Drilling Toilets for Fun and Profit - or - Forced Vacation Day 4

 Ssssssshhhhh.

Over here.

I have something to tell you, but it's gotta be very quiet. You can't repeat a single word. Promise?

It's my shirts. They're going missing.

Unlike every other house, my socks come back without fail, in pairs. It's the shirts, I swear.

Because the Department of Wash doesn't run on a schedule, I was presented with many more pairs of socks. It works very well. I already have more t-shirts than Imelda Marcos had shoes. Or even my wife. So I didn't notice it at first. Men aren't the most observant creatures on the planet, so it took a long time to realize there was a Shirt Issue<tm>. In fact, most men would miss a freight train running through the bedroom, even if they were looking for a freight train running through the bedroom. And even if they were looking for a freight train, they'd have to ask their wife where it was. 

Let's say I have one hundred t-shirts. I just took two clean ones to the room. And I only have one to wear tomorrow. That's math even a man can perform.

The thing is, there are no dirty t-shirts about. I don't have fourteen hampers of dirty shirts waiting for the Department of Wash to process. The Department of Wash, strangely, was not affected by Congress' inability to put together a budget. It has functional equipment and personnel to do the job. Just no shirts.

Every now and then a shirt will appear that I haven't seen in a year. It's clean and folded, but nobody knows how it got there or where it's been. We asked Giorgiou Tsoukalos, ancient astronaut theorist and owner of some of the strangest hair on tv, about my shirts. Giorgiou (Stan to his friends) said the ancient astronauts have tunneled through time to the future, and are taking my t-shirts back to Sumeria to help with the pyramids. I asked Stan (Giorgiou to his viewers) how my t-shirts were helping with the pyramids. He said there were only theories until a recent pyramidal excavation proved him right. While trying to decipher the heiroglyphics on the walls, they came across strange writings....

Jeff Beck - 2018 Tour

Do you know what your problem is? You're stupid.

Marshall Amplification

Yes, those would be my t-shirts. That's half the problem solved. The ancient astronauts are very bad at returning the shirts. Further, the Department of Wash is very upset because it feels it gets blamed for the disappearance of the shirts.

Score another one for ancient astronaut theorists. Watch for the episode on National Geographic. Or Science. Or whatever ($#&ing channel it's on. Next season will be dedicated exclusively to getting the shirts back or at least setting up a schedule, so I'll have something to wear. I don't have the kind of chest to go shirtless. Especially around Christmas.

This is the kind of stuff you notice when you're forced to take vacation. 

Note to the Department of Wash: if you could contact your counterparts at the Department of Marital Relations and tell them to get on their asses, no one wold have time to notice missing t-shirts. It's a win/win.

• Police urge against firing guns into the air on New Years Eve, as what goes up must come down
• Just in case you missed this in your physics class

Speaking of marital relations, Mrs. lefty is in the midst of spring cleaning. Possibly from several springs ago, but I like my body parts so I dare not ask.

As it's late on day 5 of forced vacation, she said she was going to bed a few hours ago, so she's up cleaning. I'm up blogging. This is incredibly far from a good combination, like Megadeth performing near land mines. Oddly enough, some of the sounds are the same, which is why I'm typing this.

Another thing men are horrible at is knowing the names of furniture. Men and women have reached an uneasy truce, where the guys just refer to things as 'that brown thing in the corner'. Is there some sort of class guys missed growing up that only girls attended?  So the uneasy truce also specifies that no matter how many times women say what the piece of furniture is called, men don't have to remember it. That one part has saved my bacon countless times.

I mention this because she's starting tonight's 11:30pm cleaning on one of the tall pieces of wood furniture that goes in a corner and has shelves. I'm long past asking what it's called. Have I mentioned she's part of a large group called Elephants in Tutus? Or just Princess Grace. Let's say she's... ummmm.... less than dainty, and may not hold onto things well. So there is no act she can perform that is silent, or of fewer decibels than a plane taking off. This includes putting on shoes. So she's cleaning stuff on the shelves of the Mystery Furniture.....

Are we going to use this?   CRASH

Remember this? (kicks box full of metal parts)

I'm going to put these away. BOOM (something falls off table, taking 12 other things with it).

[10 minutes later]

Weeee.... BANG.

What was that?

I tried to put something on a shelf in the pantry.

I see.

Weeee.... BANG.  Weee BANG.

Tried to put more things on the shelf?

[5 minutes later]

BANG CRASH. Bang bang crash.

Have I mentioned that the tension is ratcheted up from a long day and we just need to relax?

BANG CRASH.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAH, please STOP.

What's your problem?

[guys, you know there's a problem when she asks that question and your answer better be good or you better be in a different part of the country]

Honey, didn't you mention being tired and on edge, and that we were winding down for bed?

Yes, I'm cleaning..  CRASH. [plays an entire song with aluminum foil while things fall off a shelf in alphabetical order]

I'm waiting for the vacuum to start, but that's my job. So she starts the 74 Camaro in the dining room and punches it every now and then. I'm reading Passive Aggression for Dummies and this seems to fit the definition exactly. I dare not make the observation aloud, for fear of getting run over by said Camaro.

The thing is, I'm trying to BLOG here.  BOOM CRASH FALL

If I don't type it this moment, I'll forget it    SMASH SIZZLE FIZZ

My nerves are a little  BOOM  on edge.

I can help tomorrow, during normal cleaning hours  SMASH BANG CURSE CURSE KICK OOH

Would this be going on if I weren't on vacation?  You betcha. I'd have moved myself into bed an hour ago, and started my... ahem... nighttime rituals.

If I were on Twitter, there would be fourteen nasty tweets asking me why *I* wasn't cleaning.

Simple - I work and clean during Eastern Standard Cleaning Time. I clocked out hours ago.

BANG BANG THUMP THUMP THUMP CRASH THUMP THUMP OUCH THUD 

That was the sound of being chased with a frying pan, then having it applied to my cranium, followed by my body applying itself to the floor.

The palindrome of Bolton is Notlob

Go Ahead - Ask the Fat Lady if She's Pregnant

A woman who has been in a vegetative state for ten years gave birth.
In a vegetative state, gestation doesn't take ten years, so....
The facility has rushed to completely fix the situation, by requiring anyone going into female patients' rooms to have a female with them. The CEO resigned the day after this hit the news.

STOP IT

• In today's hacking news, over 1,000 records of German citizens and government officials were stolen. Das is not goot.

We get the good ones:

Last week we lit some candles, mumbled some words, then took the drastic step of running the vacuum. The dog was not happy. Not only didn't she like the vacuum, she didn't like a push vacuum. Fortunately she didn't like them silently. 

Within 24 hours, the entire floor was again covered in white stuffing, from stolen stuffed animals.

Last night, completely without candles, I vacuumed again (it's a record). Never complacent, within ONE HOUR, the dog had eviscerated a large stuffed animal, making the entire floor look like it had snowed. Does this mean I don't have to vacuum anymore?



Dear lefty:

• Is it true that looks don't matter?

Pigs Fly department:

A federal grand jury will hear evidence that 9/11 was a controlled demolition.

This is huge, whether you believe the assertion or not. Because of the JFK Effect, I'm somewhat skeptical of the outcome, but movement is great. 

Both buildings came down in what looked like controlled demolition. One of the major news network reporters stated that it looked like controlled demolition, once. And never again. Then there was the rather inconvenient fact of Building 7, barely damaged, coming down in its own footprint too.

I guess this is the necessary first step to legally drill holes in the official story of what happened on 9/11. If it was controlled demolition, there's the question of who pushed the button, then who ordered the button pushed. Regardless of the ruling, one of the people involved has a name that rhymes with Rick Haney. 

• Another thing police shows taught me: attractive people don't commit crimes.

Ancient Astronaut Theorists, at least the interesting ones who appear on tv, believe there's an Area 52 and a formation on Mars that looks like Stonehenge. I believe that things got way more interesting after the SJWs demanded Ancient Astronaut Theorists start including women. This caused mass disruption, when the fat, pimply Ancient Astronaut Theorists discovered there were now Ancient Astronaut Theorists with breasts. This is why, as of 2008, there has been very little heard from Ancient Astronaut Theorists. Some Ancient Astronaut Theorists believe this was a government plot to disrupt Ancient Astronaut Theorists. Since there are more female Ancient Astronaut Theorists, tv shows have seen a great boost in ratings (and female Ancient Astronaut Theorists have learned to use the phrase, "Hey, I'm up HERE.")

Where was I going with this?

Oh..
Yeah, I was thinking that Ancient Astronaut Theorists can find enough stuff on this planet before heading to Mars for more material.

• Explain Rush Limbaugh.
• Why is 80% of my weather gray and rainy?
• How's that search for intelligent life coming?
• Faceyspaces - this could take centuries!
• the popularity of reality tv, RuPaul, and Miley Cyrus
• why women are obsessed with their eyebrows
• Male Pattern Baldness

In completely not-related news, the History Channel is running a series on Project Blue Book. Of course they are - you can find anything you want on the History Channel, provided it's not history. There have been a few official projects over the years to deal with UFOs. What this means is to explain away UFOs. This is acknowledged. Project Blue Book was run to explain as many UFO sightings as possible, in a very boring way (even if it was clearly made up). The program 'explained' well over 90% of sightings, to avoid panic and so people could point at ufo investigators and laugh.

Yes, UFOs have been investigated for over 100 years. No, the results aren't available to us, unless they can be easily explained away. Even Roswell has had three official explanations. Temperature inversion and the ever-popular swamp gas were some of the ridiculous explanations for sightings.

J. Allen Hynek was a scientist brought into Project Blue Book to help explain away as many sightings as possible. As he continued investigating, he realized the phenomenon was real and became a 'believer'.  He will pop up in the show and had a cameo in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Ask yourself why someone who has seen and studied UFOs is called a believer. And why there were official projects put together to discredit ufo sightings.

• A Scottish woman has suffered chemical burns after being given male erectile cream for a dry eye.  No, it will not keep you awake all night.

A Nebraska man, declared brain-dead by doctors, woke up after the family's decision to 'pull the plug.'  Turns out he suffered from a rare condition called posterior reversible encephalopathy syndrome. That's gotta be slightly embarrassing to the family. Gee, sorry, Dad... we didn't mean to kill you.. really - they told us you were a vegetable. 

• You heard it here last: Sears is closing all its stores.
• People older than me remember the Sears Catalog. We remember shopping at a number of Sears stores and outlets. The only positive thing about this is that Craftsmen tools are now available at Lowes. RIP.

Why use TOR?

Because even though you have nothing to hide, you are still entitled to privacy. It's very difficult (but not impossible) to track people who use TOR. You can browse through it on your pc and phone (any operating system). You can check email through it. Consider it just like what you're doing now, except it may be a hair slower, but you're regaining your privacy. You can visit TOR or non-TOR sites.

• In a recent Dutch test, 42 of 100 android devices' facial recognition was fooled by a photo of the owner. Highly effective security.

Dear lefty:

• Top Topton, of Tottingham, asks how tall are you?
• Dear Bottom: ask your mother. Height is irrelevant in the horizontal plane.

As our 'leaders' (the children up top who steal and spend our money) are still stomping their widdle feets, government is still in a shutdown. You will notice that the entire country has not broken off from California and set sail to Europe. One reason is that the majority of government activity is already funded, so the strike doesn't affect the whole fetid enchilada. Yes, there are services missing, but let this serve as a small example of how overbloated this government is. You could easily cut it drastically, while not cutting services. You could cut it lots more to get rid of places (and countries) the government doesn't belong. 

• She said her hobby was playing banjo and her favorite band was Rammstein. If her hobby and band ever come together, the result would be like matter meeting antimatter.

Everybody loves a hot tub. Manufacturers love that everybody loves a hot tub. The new tubs have (wait for it....) Internet of Things connections! You can remotely set water temperature via your cell phone. The only problem is that so can anyone else near the tub... because who cares about security - it's all about features! It's so easy to get into (not the tub - the tub's alleged security) that it will almost immediately wind up on the huge site that lists open systems. Yes, Shodan has a list of open wifi, tubs, and even baby monitors that anyone can connect to. Until it's fixed (ha!), feel free to drive by your neighbor's house and set their hot tub to freezing.

• They say he found Christ in prison. 
• What was He in for?

Some interesting fellow spent three hours licking doorbells in one neighborhood. As of yet, this fetish has not been classified, so it's up to us:

• Lickomania
• Germophile
• Pranker
• Lickus Bellus
• Fetishist Dumbass
• Sick F-ing Bastard