Coffee Flavored Coffee

 

Your love is like  dirty sandpaper soup

The Science on Anal Pleasure Is In (But Not All the Way)

Stop snickering - this is Science! 

Today I identify as  Ru Paul's car mechanic

• I am not qualified to be awake - please come back tomorrow

As you no doubt remember, the houses on both sides are for sale.

One side was purchased by a couple and we took some cookies over to introduce ourselves. As that happened, I could hear the collective groan of all my ancestors and my hopes and dreams when I was little.

Being welcoming to a new neighbor?

What kinda excrement is that?

I'm the most introverted person on the block. I'm so introverted, some of the neighbors think Mrs. lefty is single.

I think we did it as a precaution.... if we sent cookies, they'll be less likely to get upset at some of the stuff that goes on around here....

• dog getting lost in the foot-tall grass and barking
• picking our (neighbors') nails
• the lynchings
• blasting talk radio at top volume
• the upside down crosses tattooed on our eyelids
• kitten bbq Fridays

It was Saturday morning.... ok, it was Saturday afternoon, but it was morning to me. I was minding my own business reading a book, and trying my best not to fall asleep. If I get over 5 hours of sleep, I can't function. Thinking quickly, I got myself another cup of coffee. Fifteen minutes later, I could feel it: now I was in a hurry to fall asleep.

• Do mask mandates work? Bay Area COVID data from June says no

• FDA calls for fall boosters against BA.4/5 as subvariants take over US

Texas Sen. Ted Cruz blasts Sesame Street – again – after Elmo gets the coronavirus vaccine

Even a broken clock is right twice a day, so although we agree with Ted once or twice...   

Elmo had to ask his two daddies if the FDA has OK'd the shot for trans kids his age, and will the side effects keep him out of the Pride Parade.

The other day I heard some woman say another woman had 'fake lips.'

Fake lips?

Did she have no lips at one point, then someone did a Mr. Potato Head on her and gave her lips?

I'm happy being a guy (except for that multiple orgasm thing). I can be ready in 15 minutes after the alarm goes off; Wife needs 60. I don't bleed regularly. I don't require makeup or foundation garments. Never in my life have I had to be pretty. I don't have to maintain my ugliness. I survive with two pairs of shoes; sneakers and the ones I haven't worn since the job interview. My semi-unibrow doesn't get plucked. It's better that my boobs don't precede me by much. I require shaving cream, but not 2 bathrooms full of creams, solvents, and exfoliants. I don't even have to remember not to use certain creams below the equator, if you know what I mean.

Where the hell was I going with this? 

It was 5:30 on my day off and I knew I needed to get things done... to do something.. to make the day feel worth it. I knew then what I needed to do: I jumped up to begin and went right to the sofa for a nap. You can't start things too quickly or haphazardly. You could get hurt or something.

A visitor to Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming has become the second person in just three days to be attacked by a wild bison.

The 71-year-old women inadvertently approached the animal as she returned to her car, causing it to charge.

I dunno about you, but I hope I'm bright enough not to screw with very large animals when I'm 71. I saw a few bison once, at a local zoo. I was terrified - those things are the size of railroad cars. What really bothered me was that there was only some sad wire fence keeping them away from us (us away from them). This lady must be fun around sharks.

They say Old Faithful is going to get us. Maybe the bison are sneaking in ahead of it. I'm sure there are many species willing to put an end to the scourge of humans upon the planet.

So how's the lunatic quadruped, you ask. You know, the fur-bearin' critter.

Well, she's still beautiful, but she graduated from barking at me to barking at the fireworks. We need to start flying out of the country on July 4th. 

North Korea claims the Flying AIDS arrived on 'alien things' near the border with South Korea. "No Flying AIDS in Best Korea until South Korea started blowing it across the border to infect us. Much hot air in South Korea."

In other news, North Korean citizens are in turmoil. Not because of the Flying AIDS, but because they all need the exact mask Kim Jong-un has or they'll be shot. The Flying AIDS will look like a head cold in comparison.

The other day in San Francisco, driverless Cruise robotaxis all stopped working simultaneously, blocking streets.

Governor Gavin Newsom said they should WORK, or he shall tell them they should work again.

BLM was seen smashing the taxis to bits and setting them on fire. They were not prosecuted because the cars are white.

Congress had a hearing on making the Venture Capital world less white and male.

Why in the universe is this any of Congress' business? Did they run out of other places to stick their noses? No more special privileges, voting themselves pay raises, or acting outraged about other things?

Happy 4th, friends, countrymen, and everyone else.

We did a great job back then. And now we're fscked again.

stupid Russian antivirus...

Street Thumpin', Rental Pumpin'

 Your love is like  skin scrapes on concrete

It's been quiet around the neighborhood, so we've been waiting for the other shoe.

In fact, Waiting for the Other Shoe would be a great blog name.

Naturally the other shoe arrived, in the form of the Neighborhood Mover Slamming Thing from last time. It has the flat platform that it launches at the ground with great force. This causes the houses on the block to shake each time. It knocks pictures off the wall and moves furniture to different floors. Many of the neighbors like where the furniture wound up and are keeping it there. Since we live in the No Design Ability House, any movement is an improvement. The couch on the roof may have to be overridden, but we'll live with it for a week or so.

It must be a new physical year, or fiscal year, depending on pronunciation. There are ripped up roads all over the place. Don't tell anybody, but the improvements are nothing but ripped up roads, for the fun of it. The streets department has a wicked sense of humor. Different departments have a Noise Contest, judged by City Hall, when they can be bothered to come into work. They bring out a noise level meter and the loudest machine wins. This led to a little cheating this time, with some crews using fireworks and explosives under the machines. One used gas tanks. A fun time was had by all. Except the people that live in the houses. It was even louder than a Who concert or a Boeing 787 taking off, assuming it managed to pass inspection.

But wait!!!!!  The trash truck is here, in bold competition with the Great Bang Truck.

So naturally I had to get on the phone with Support four times. I was 90 minutes 'late' for work.

Today I identify as  mixed gender pronouns. 

• it's not like the band I just saw on tv is put together for the show, but the left handed bass player is strumming the bass like a guitar

CAR(s)

The collision center continues to move forward with the repair. The repair cost is more than I paid for most of my old cars.

The rental squad decides to charge you random numbers randomly. They like to keep their customers on their toes. If you no like, dey come around you house, capiche?

We still haven't figured out how to turn down the tsunami of air conditioning or pair it with BlueTooth. But it starts every time, and we're used to settling. Strangely, there is no USB port.

• Duckduckgo, the search engine that doesn't track you, now has an email service that removes trackers. You can get a free @duck.com address now.

Biden blasts social media after Facebook stonewalls admin over vaccine misinformation

When the president, or any member of government, tells a site or person what they can and can't say, it's a violation of the First Amendment. Not that Joe gives a rip about the First Amendment. Or the Second.

• How your personal data is being scraped from social media

Finding 'Grace': Murder, DNA and ancestry

Great story about solving an old murder

Reminding you that the ancestry sites are used by the authorities (and marketers)

• Reminder from the lDC [lefty Disease Control] that if you are on birth control pills and taking antibiotics, use a different form of birth control.  The antibiotics make the pills less potent and you won't like the result.

I could have been in the Olympics..

No, really.

There's just no event for napping.

• Less Than 7% of the Human Genome Is Actually Uniquely Human, Study Finds
• you really are a slug

15,000-year-old viruses discovered in Tibetan glacier ice

Fauci says we must all be vaccinated against every one 

This is America

A Texas man cited 7 times for grass over the 12" limit opened fire on landscapers and police who were there to enforce the limit.

Fortunately no one was hit in the 4 hour SWAT standoff.

The man was arrested and had on some sort of hazmat suit

It's only a matter of time til this is me, right? Without the gun, of course.

But seriously, folks... why are there grass height laws, and why do police come out to enforce them?

Another example of government in action: using force 

I got an overnight envelope that required returning.

I went online to schedule the pickup.

This was my first mistake.

There's nowhere to schedule a pickup.

I can make an account if I like. I can schedule babysitting or auto repair, but not a pickup.

In the Good Olde Days<tm>, you called a number or scheduled online.

These are not the Good Olde Days<tm> 

The website is very easy to navigate, so long as you're not trying to schedule a pickup.

There's a HELP function, which connects me to a virtual assistant. This is not actually a human, nor can you find one, possibly at the entire worldwide, well-known service. This is a bot, configured with the help of Artificial Stupidity, so if you enter "schedule pickup," it responds with 13 suggestions, none of which are correct. Now I'd think scheduling a pickup is roughly 50% of their business, so not being able to find it seems... I dunno.... weird?

I continue with HELP, trying "pickup envelope," which gives me another 13 suggestions with the word 'pickup' in them, but - SURPRISE! - nothing helpful. Even if it were to make a horrible mistake and include helpful information, you can't click it. So it will say "schedule envelope pickup" but you can't go anywhere from there. This website was clearly designed to be user-hostile.

I could schedule a ground pickup. How am I supposed to know what a ground pickup is? Well, the truck runs on the ground, no? But this is an envelope, which may not be ground.

So the best way to deal with this is to ignore it. Unfortunately if I ignore it, I won't win the Idiot's Clearing House offer of 15 cents a week for life. So I gotta get this in.

I finally figured GO and scheduled a ground pickup, as my house is on the ground, firmly, I hope. It told me to wait a few (years), then check the status page. WHAT status page? There is NO status page, as there is no schedule envelope pickup page. I think they're just messing with us now. 

So I may or may not have scheduled a pickup - I have no way of knowing. Guess I'll have to wait for the imaginary status page to indicate I have an imaginary pickup on some imaginary day this week.

It's not like they can't slip me in - I don't get out much, so they can show up whenever they want. In fact, they can take it from me when they make one of their 3 daily deliveries from the Shoe Delivery Network for Wife. Why didn't I think of that in the first place?  Nah, they'd just tell me I have to schedule online. My street might become a very dangerous place for these trucks if I can't get this envelope out. Of course if I stopped the shoe deliveries, my house might become a very dangerous place for me.

TOKYO (AP) — The chiropractor for the American women’s wrestling team has apologized after comparing Olympic COVID-19 protocols to Nazi Germany in a social media post.

We're offended so were automatically right.

Monsignor Jeffrey Burrill, former general secretary of the U.S. bishops’ conference, announced his resignation Tuesday, after The Pillar found evidence the priest engaged in serial sexual misconduct, while he held a critical oversight role in the Catholic Church’s response to the recent spate of sexual abuse and misconduct scandals.

They are a criminal organization and should be investigated as such.

• Sperm Bank Holds Contest to Find Out Who Has the Best Jizz
• Had to turn away 100 women and 13 men - swallowers not allowed as judges

The new Flying AIDS (D) has affected vaccinated Capitol staffers in DC

Former surgeon general: CDC should fix ‘premature, misinterpreted’ mask guidance

We. Have. No. Idea.

We had a power outage the other night.

Power outages are ugly because they cut off Important Services: air conditioning and internet. We looked at each other and said, "WHERE'S THE INTERNET?" 

This started a cascading effect, namely, no pr0n and no napping, because it was close to 90 and ridiculously humid. Just sitting there was an activity that would cover you in sweat and grunge. If we were going to be sweaty and grungy, that was not the activity we wanted to cause it.

We 'found' the internet, in that we could use our phones to hook other stuff into.

Power outages have met the future with electrical provider websites;  you can look at the outage and get an estimate of how long it will continue. PECO has gotten into the future, that's fer sure. After a few hours, they were 'aware of an outage in the area, that affected 1200 houses.'  Ummmm..... no. This went for as far as the eye could see in all directions. Some of the traffic lights were out too. Businesses were open, but you'd never know it to look at them. Six hours later, PECO was still aware there was a problem. No estimates. Only 1200 houses without power were closer to 47,000. Small math error. 

So after 12 hours, electricity returned, around 4am. We were offering prayers of thanks to the air conditioner gods.

Wife got another 'great deal,' this time on a car battery-sized brick to power things in an outage. I wanted to know how they claimed it would run a fridge, because it was pretty light. To its credit, it charged my phone. I couldn't quite get across that this device was not the same thing as a unit that would power all the computers during an outage. I'm sure the commercial was awesome. THE NEW POWER 9000. GOT A POWER OUTAGE? THIS IS THE UNIT FOR YOU. IT WILL POWER YOUR PHONE. IT WILL POWER YOUR LAPTOP. IT WILL POWER YOUR CAR. IT WILL POWER YOUR PHONE. IT WILL POWER YOUR ENTIRE KITCHEN AND THE REST OF THE HOUSE. IT WILL POWER YOUR PHONE. BUT WAIT!!!!!

So I have to get a UPS, a real device to power the computers. This will be expensive, because it has the word Battery in it. Everything with the word battery is expensive. Even a battery holder is expensive. I don't know how, but I have a little Texas in me: bigger is better. I like big cars and big 17" laptops. If you're bored during a power outage, run a 17" laptop off battery and watch the gauge go down. Use it as a counting game for children. I lowered the brightness by 50% and it didn't matter.

TIP: get a tablet. Set it up to get your email and with your bookmarks. Use it during outages.

Or, you know, have family time. Or some sex. Try reading in the dark. Count salt shakers. Count salt.

here's something you don't see often..

Captivity - Day 66 A Memorial

I have to give it to the weather: it has held up nicely for our 3 day weekend.
It's a shame that Idiot Governor held up, still forbidding business from being done in PA. Calls to random businesses elicited similar reaction to ThermionicEmissions: Idiot Governor must step down or be impeached. Businesses are failing and Idiot Governor has no idea what he's doing, yet is driving the bus (off a cliff).

Beaches opened today. The funniest thing, aside from seeing people, was the whiners who were on screen, whining that the bathers weren't observing social distancing. This is probably the guy who calls the police when his first grade class has 1 more than the number of allowable children at the birthday party. Or counts the people in the ocean to make sure he doesn't have to call the police and fire because the sand is overcrowded. If you look closely, you can see a slight twist to his nose, from getting punched in it repeatedly.  So the beaches opened today in New Jersey and Delaware, but you couldn't buy food or stay at the motels. I don't know about you, but I desperately want to drive hours so I can play in the sand, get sunburn, eat highway hamburgers, repeatedly calm the dog, then drive hours home. A day well spent - AND you can tell everybody you went to the shore and took the dog.

Much to our amusement, there are face mask confrontations. Somebody, probably Sparky, as mentioned above, sees someone in a store, sans mask, and goes ballistic. He pushes the pre-programmed 911 button and goes nose to nose with the offender. When he reaches the hospital, the nurses groan, say "Hi, Sparky" and ask which body part someone broke this time. When Sparky hits 65, he'll be able to tell when it's going to rain when his nose hurts.



PA doesn't have much in the way of sand, but we have a shitload of brown, ugly water in which large ships put stuff and drop stuff off, presumably for concrete companies.


What did we do today?
NOTHING. Same as the other days, although no one woke me til 12:30. I had to wait til 4 for my first nap.

I don't want to know how long I've been in the house, first because I can't count, and second because it literally involved food shopping, weeks ago, plus 6 weeks before the Flying AIDS.

Mrs lefty is always helpful in these times: I think I have this figured out... she's either tired of me or fooling around (or both). When it's nice to go out, she offers me the choice of something so stupid, I'll never go. "Honey - how about we visit my sister with 16 kids showing up today?" Or "Want to go to the convenience store? They have MILK!" Or "The home improvement store just got a new shipment of Flying AIDS-free nails."  So the dog and I hang out on the couch, per Prophecy.






Our hearts go out to the brave people and families of those who lost their lives for our country. It is doubly sad that this happened for the benefit of the Military Industrial Complex.

Captivity - Day 36 I'd be a great singer if I could sing

The time we know as Weekend has started. We know because hopefully we got to sleep late. I did, which is certainly a major accomplishment. for me. Within 1 hour, Mrs lefty said I looked like my first nap was overdue; it's when see sees me looking a little green. No idea how I pull this one off, but who can argue with a free nap? Or a green person.

How do you know you're done you're done with your 1st nap?
That's a great question.

About the time it took to get to the sofa, I knew I was almost ready, but there was a small hitch: there was no one to give me permission to take the nap. Fortunately she had hidden herself well, out by the green stuff growing there. She knew that's the last place I'd look. Cheeky bugger.


We're at roughly 9 weeks since we've been in a car over for more than 5 minutes. I'd wear men's clothes again if we could go out.


I told everyone that it was only a matter of time until Gucci, Kate Spade, and Coach come out with their own coordinated masks. 1 for each day of the week. They could come to market in days. Women will snap them up, unless the Flying AIDS starts to go away.  They will help flatten the curve by giving up these $59.95 masks.


Wife runs out to 'take a ride' a lot.
Don't quote me, but I think she's actually shopping.
The 3rd time she asked me to bring in the bags was what tipped me off.


So about those hallucinations... I wouldn't recommend them.
It was a real bummer because I didn't get to see anything interesting.
I asked the doctor if he could come up with something for the weekend, or very late at night. Doctor not amused. At least he didn't say exercise. The neighbors either think I drink, or I'm Herman Munster. Let's just say I had some problems getting down the 2 steps to go out. It's not fair, if you look at it objectively. I tried drugs once and left them all behind. Now here I am, feeling like they're all coming back to pool their evil natures and turn me into a superhero. Dr Side Effects! Faster than an old candy bar keep under your seat. Because you're paying attention to your cell phone!. More disappointing than your penis not working on antidepressants! Doesn't hang out in your lip or nose hairs! It's Dr Side Effects!

So anyway, All those neato things that kept flying around me are no longer there. Either that or they're there and I can't see them during the day. Ooh, that's rather unpleasant thought.  MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. So no more hallucinations. The doc recommended another pill to stop me from being so animated in my sleep. Apparently I put on quite the show. With my clothes ON. I only fall up the steps if I have to lean backwards. On the bright side, they're cheaper than Frosted Flakes, but don't taste as good.

So right now it's 3 pills that directly work on the problem, and 2 for the symptoms of the 3 pills that work on the symptoms. Next time I'm going to ask for better symptoms. I'm not sure if they're working.. Perhaps the sea lions on the ceiling can give me a better idea.


Another billion dollar idea: Start advertising yourself as a divorce lawyer. If couples haven't killed themselves yet, it's only a matter of time. Also an OB/gyn.

Yes, It's a Reptle

Know what Winning is?
A lizard named Harriet.

• I just saw a commercial for this 'miracle combination bamboo bra', which was guaranteed to overcome every problem women have ever had with bras. I'm thinking that if you have an issue with your bra, you probably don't want one made of bamboo. Getting poked in the boobs by little bamboo probes all day has to be somewhat unpleasant. The Vietnamese used to put slivers of bamboo underneath the fingernails of their enemies to torture them.

Sometimes you gotta be a dick. Well, sometimes *I* have to be a dick. No idea why - it's almost a primal instinct. For some reason, I feel compelled to mess with people who have OCD. 

Well, not only me. At my last job, there was a lady who had some serious OCD. She'd go into a meeting room, and before the meeting, would notice a picture on the wall that wasn't straight. She'd get up from her seat to fix it. In absolutely no time at all, another Total Bastard picked up on this. He'd wait til she fixed the picture and sat down, at which point he'd get up and tilt it a bit. He'd sit across from her to watch her get up. It was beautiful to watch, especially when it happened after the meeting started.

Mrs. lefty has an OCD tendency or two. Since we're in the same house and married, I have absolutely no choice in the matter. When watching tv, the volume must be on an even number. She cannot explain why, but gets visibly upset when I ask. Therefore I must change the volume to an odd number. She gets more excited and changes it back. Not to be outdone, I change it back. She tells me it no longer matters, and she'll just watch tv. Within sixty seconds, the pressure is too great and the volume needs to go back to the even number. We actually have two remotes, just in case. If I'm in a particularly evil mood, we'll watch an entire program, then I'll casually mention that the volume was on an odd number the entire time. She says no problem, but I know she won't be sleeping that night.

A previous girlfriend had to get out of the shower by the rear of the curtain. Without any choice in the matter, I kept opening the front of the curtain and insisting we get out there. She turned white, pulled the curtain in the other direction and got out quickly, lest I catch her.

I told you I was a dick.

• From the people who brought you diversity hiring (white people), comes a new app called ShopNoir, which allows you to Buy Black this holiday season. If I had even the smallest clue about programming, my app would be called ShopSinister, which allows you to Buy Left-Handed this holiday season. 
• This will be followed by ShopCracker, for buying white; ShopHanukah for buying Jew (the Anti Defamation League will be calling later today); and ShopGyno, for female-owned stores this holiday season. Not represented so far are the potential beneficiaries of ShopWhich, the transexuals, who are currently out protesting. Last but never least is ShopCorrect, where you don't buy from the white male patriarchy and its opposite number ShopPrivilege, in case you want to shop exclusively with White Male Patriarchy Privilege.
• None of this will matter, as most people will ShopCheap.

We ran out of soda the other day [loud, suspenseful sound effect from Law and Order-SVU]. Wife said she was so desperate, she actually drank water. Sometimes I feel guilty, like I don't provide well for my family.

• TODAY'S TIN FOIL MINUTE: According to Consumer Intelligence Research Partners, about 20 million homes have a voice-activated assistant (Amazon Echo or Google Home). That's 20 million people who paid a sum of money for Amazon or Google to spy on them and keep their personal information. What could possibly go wrong?
• This is another salvo in the War on Privacy, proving yet again that people are voluntarily ignorant about privacy or they simply don't care. Or both.
• Not that the concept is a bad one.... this is the future, where you simply speak to your house and it does Stuff for you. It's truly cool to ask your house when is the last showing of Deep Throat at the Adult Metroplex, in the seedy part of town. Soon you'll be able to order tickets via your house, allowing you the option of Just Cleaned seats or discount Sticky seats.
• When voice recognition technology is processed in the cell phone, instead of going upstream to servers, where it is kept, I'll start using it. The moment you want one service to interact with another, you're putting yourself out there.

A new survey of 1,600 Australians shows most people are concerned corporations are violating their privacy online. A similar survey of Americans shows most are concerned with Kim Kardashian and cat pictures.

•  A high level IT tech receives an emergency call from his system at 5am. The main file server has gone offline. He remote connects to the system, or at least he tries.. the remote system that will allow him to access the server won't work, which is why companies pay for remote systems. They knew the server wasn't long for this world, so they built a new one that ran in parallel, so he did a few Magic Tricks, copied some operating system files, and had the entire new server up before anyone got into work. He announced this via email to everyone, telling them to reboot if their computers didn't recognize the new server.
• Our hero was called into the Executive Office and, instead of a hearty Thank You, Attaboy, or Bonus, got yelled at and called unprofessional for installing the new server, because some people never bother saving their documents and leave them open overnight, so they lost them.
• Security begins at home, then follows you to work. Unfortunately, it only follows IT people. Upper level might occasionally give a nod towards it, but abandon it immediately if it becomes inconvenient for them. They even go so far as to hire expensive security experts to make recommendations for them to completely ignore.
• My old department put PINs on the corporate cell phones, for safety and privacy reasons. We also set all PCs to automatically lock after 5 minutes, so when people got up from their desks, others couldn't walk by and see private data or prohibited medical information. The Chief Operating Office appeared at my desk one week later, demanding we remove the PIN from her phone, because "security is.... inconvenient."  Right after that, the department was dragged into a six month series of meetings to decide the right amount of time before the computers locked. Everyone had input, which was somewhat less than helpful. Finally, the topic was dropped because people found it inconvenient to have to re-log into their computer when they walked away for a meeting or lunch or to flirt with a colleague, who would rather drink gasoline than deal with their neighbor.
• We are doomed.

Good things do happen, even in Philadelphia. Some bright light ran out of gas on the highway. A homeless man happened by and, seeing her plight, walked to a gas station and spent his last twenty dollars on gas for her. Do you want to talk about Heart?

More than impressed, the motorist set up a GoFundMe page to raise a few thousand to get the gentleman set up with an apartment and job services until he could support himself well.

The GoFundMe went somewhat over expectations; about three hundred thousand dollars at last count. The man received a house and a tidy sum, along with job counseling.  What did he do? Donated money to organizations that helped him. Do you want to talk about Heart?

• Ideally, you should use a Virtual Private Network (VPN) when doing anything from your computer. The connection can't be snooped on, offering full privacy for your data. One VPN service, PureVPN, boasts they don't keep logs, so you're secure from the authorities. Well, it turns out they lied: the FBI contacted them for information on a customer suspected of committing a crime and they turned over a treasure trove of information (that they don't keep).
• If you read this far, you'll be happy to know the following are no log VPNS: NordVPN, ExpressVPN, CyberGhostVPN, SaferVPN, and VYPRVPN.

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times. And it was a bad time too. 

Some internal process started arguing with a different internal process.. I have no real idea what was happening, but the end result is that I felt like advanced death. It probably wasn't helping that I was at work. Sometimes I just sit there and nod off, which is fairly impressive if you happen to walk by. If it gets really bad, I feel like sitting under my desk. This doesn't happen often, which is probably a pretty good thing, as I like my job. They know me, so they might shake their heads, smile, and go on.

Eventually work ended and I somehow managed to convince the car to take me home. No, I do not have a self-driving car, but it always gets me home. Those of you who drink too much may experience a similar phenomenon. 

Once in the house, my mind turned to the thing I really wanted No, oddly enough, not sex.... I wanted a nap. A really satisfying nap. A deep, relaxing nap. The kind of nap that cures most of the world's problems.  With the total occupants in the house numbering two (the dog and me), I decided to use the couch.

This was my first mistake.  [I'm using the literary technique of foreshadowing here.]

Five satisfying minutes into my horizontal exercise, Marshall decided to surprise me by BARKING to go outside. This is unprecedented, as he naps when I nap. I told him how amused I was, and I stood there, waiting for His Highness to do his duty. As it turns out, dogs do not get embarrassed or agitated when you watch them go to the bathroom. No quid pro quo for me today.

Back in the house, dog safe and comfortable, I re-occupied the couch.

A short while later came a pounding on the door. No, the dog had not taken up pounding on the door with his water bowl.. it was yet another home improvement dude. This is the second one this week, which means they're infesting the neighborhood and we'll have to get one of those special exterminators out to help us. Fortunately it's a neighborhood problem, so everybody chips in. You know these clowns... they "happen to be working on a house in the neighborhood" and have "dropped by to see if you need anything done." Bless their pointy little heads. The altruism here is astounding - you just don't get this class of home improvement goodness in other sections of the city. 

I am a reasonably polite person - stop laughing NOW. Most people would simply slam the door in his face. I think that's kinda rude and Mom taught me better (even though it's rude to interrupt my nap, dinner, or anything else I'm doing, by knocking on my door). I politely tell him no thanks, but have a nice day. As it turns out, he's hip to this, probably because no one else will give him the time of day (or belly button lint). He keeps talking. I wish him a good day again, at which point he brings out the big guns: "Oh, so you're not planning to DO anything about your mess of a house?"

I could choose to be insulted. I could pitch a fit. I could throw my car at him. But I figured all of these would require putting more time (and heaven forbid, effort) into this project, so the best way would be to question the species of whatever gave birth to him, continue to wish him the most spectacular of days, and slam the door so hard he literally blows across the street, where he'll undoubtedly bang on their door. What he does next is sheer genius... he tells my neighbor they're doing work on MY house and would he like a quote. The neighbor has no choice but to order some work, because if the Problem House on the block (mine) is getting something done, others would be ashamed not to. Fortunately this is no longer my problem.

Back to the couch I go, laughing at the sheer hilarity of what has become a comedy sketch about someone trying to simply take a nap. 

And nap I did. For damn near fifteen minutes, when ANOTHER knock occurred. This is getting tiresome, I though to myself, while continuing to snicker. Praying it wasn't another chance to sign up for work on my house, I opened the door to find my wife standing there.  As anyone would imagine, regardless of whether they know her or not, my wife has house keys. To this actual house. Our house. The house with the really comfortable couch, upon which I was just napping. Judging by the plastic bag she was holding in her mouth, it appeared she'd need help. Let's face it... if I were overloaded, coming to my front door, I'd either have my keys in hand or drop something and get my keys. Perhaps being a woman comes with some sort of entitlement to have locked doors opened for you; I certainly don't know.

Deciding to keep all of my parts intact, I let her in and grabbed some bags. Strangely, I then went back to the couch, perhaps because I like pain and aggravation.

My wife, bless her, made sure to do everything she could to avoid annoying me, like talking for twenty minutes about her day, what she had for lunch, what her friends were wearing, what we were thinking about doing next week, and how about that earthquake in Delaware. Sometimes she misses subtle signs, like the way I had the blanket wrapped around my head while I was laying flat, with my back to her. She eventually stopped talking, perhaps when she sensed my breathing stop (a trick I learned in Swami School in India, back during the war).

Mindful of my damn near sleeping state, she did not talk. She did, however, hum. Lately she hums constantly. I would be judged not guilty if I murdered her for the never ending humming but I'm not like that. I wouldn't kill her, or even bludgeon her. Or run her over, or throw her from the roof. Mom raised me better.  When she hums, I politely ask her to stop. Sometimes she's so involved in humming, she doesn't hear me. So I try again, using more volume. Finally she looks at me quizzically, asks if she was humming, and apologizes. Then starts humming again.

So she's humming, being 'quiet' while I rest. Being quiet means not asking me questions (sometimes) and walking around without kicking anything (a difficult task regardless of my state). So she walks around stealthily. And when I say stealthily, I mean BOOM, PLOD, SQUONK, PLOD, PLOD. Hey, at least she's not humming, right? She quietly plods to the door, where we keep our high tech backup alarm system, which consists of a few REALLY LOUD industrial size jingle bells on a three foot strip of leather, around the doorknob. She completely avoids slamming into the bells by simply knocking them onto the solid floor with a humongous CRASH RING RING RING.  Good thing I was resting, or I'd be really pissed.

It is at points like this that I can only think of the words I'm going to type on the blog to share with you, because there's no live studio audience to watch people torture me while I try to nap.

One last time, I beg of the universe. I just want a nap.

The next thing I know, I'm hearing my parents' voices. This is not a normal thing for me, especially when I'm sleeping and they're not in my house. But the joke was on me - they were in my house, being quiet because I was napping. I didn't hear them knocking on the door.

HEY... if I didn't hear them knocking, it means I was ASLEEP for three or four seconds. I had technically NAPPED!

she asked what I want for Christmas.

Just Return the Crap and Be Done with it

Wee Wee Water

At the risk of sounding like a very popular neurotic Jewish comic, what's this nonsense about running water and peeing?  I vaguely remember hearing that if a woman wanted to pee in the bathroom or for a medical test, she should run some water. Then I remember hearing about old men having to run water to pee in general.

After I hit a certain age, I noticed this effect in reverse, sorta. I'd do my Manly Duty, washing dishes, and a short way into it, I had to pee. It sometimes takes me a while to catch on (to most things) and in a while, I noticed it.  It was a sad day for me, like maybe I should celebrate by signing up for AARP or Medicare.  Whenever I washed dishes. Whenever I got water from a faucet. And yesterday, was the final insult (I hope): while pouring Marshall's personally refrigerated Special Spaniel Water into his dish, the Pee Alarm went off again. What's happening to me?

BUT WAIT!!! If you keep reading, we'll spell out an even more absurd point, and we'll send it to you for nothing! Not even an additional handling or reading charge!  One day when filling up Marshall's water container for his refrigerated Special Spaniel Water, I felt the Urge. I thought I had outsmarted my body by going to the bathroom before I filled the container. But POOF - there it was. Only I didn't really have anything to give... yes, it was Phantom Pee Urge. This brand new diagnosis will be rushed through committee and will appear in an interim diagnosis supplement for all physicians.

• After weeks of sex with a transexual, a man kills her for "that sick thing between her legs." I'm thinking the guy must have had a small vision issue. Did he possibly miss the superfluous genitalia? For a few weeks? Is it THAT dark where he does it?

I hope your holidays were nice. 

I got a rock.

Speaking of the holidays, I thought it might be a good time to stand around the menorah, light some candles, and sing Jewish folk songs. Then I remembered I'm not Jewish.  Ok, I'm an ex-Jew... I gave it up for lent.

• The best quote of xmas had to come from my nephew, who asked the wife a question: "Do you get gift cards?" Yes. "Well, if you get any from Toys R Us, would you give them to me?"

There were a few neato mob brawls at malls over the holidays, including one in Ohio that resulted in a mall closing down. Hmmm... organized mobs.. at about a dozen malls... who's doing the organizing?

• Men are from Mars, women are from Betelguese. We had some communication issues in our marriage that we straightened out, to great relief. However, my coworker and I are going to require 145 intensive sessions of Communication Marriage Therapy to be able to work just poorly with each other. The more we talk, the more my eyeballs try to look at each other and end up rolling like a slot machine. [this takes place over text messages]:
• ME: put the red one on the green peg
• HER: all I have is green
• ME: yes, the green one. put it on the red peg
• HER: ok. what about the fact that the peg is wood?
• ME: they're all wood
• HER: I'm so stupid
• ME: why are you stupid?
• HER: because I couldn't do yesterday's work
• ME: the machine was down yesterday
• HER: nobody told ME
• ME: then you're not stupid, are you
• HER: that's ok, I'm stupid about other things
• ME: don't worry about it
• HER: I have to - it's my nature
• ME: ok, try to keep yourself up all night, worrying about it
• HER: I will, thanks. now I'll shut up.
• and people wonder why I wander up and down the aisles, laughing maniacally, cursing randomly, and banging my phone on the desk, like some sort of new-age morse code.

I wanted to get some stuff done today but I'm having some difficulty. I have a bit of a medical condition that comes and goes, generally in the morning. I asked the doctor what to do and he said to drink some caffeine-containing beverages. The medical condition, by the way, is called Tired, or as we know it, Tired. My coworkers cannot drink Mt Dew because it makes them fly around the room, frequently bumping into ceiling fans. It's a ($&#ing mess to clean, especially when it gets on your clothes. I can drink Mt Dew and feel absolutely nothing, either from sugar or caffeine. So I drink a cup of coffee every morning. It helps me wake up to the horror that will become my day. The only problem is that I run the risk of falling back to sleep for a few hours, which tends to be frowned upon, even for my friends in government. Yes, the doctor is flummoxed as to how caffeine can take up to four hours to be effective. I'll get up from my desk, pick up a pen, and start shaking wildly. This starts my own bouncing off the walls. Fortunately, due to fear of heights, I do not bounce all the way to the ceiling fans, much to my wife's dismay.

Nobody seems to have even a halfway decent answer to this question (why I don't make it to the ceiling).  They also can't figure out why coffee takes so long to take effect. As you'd expect, I have a theory. I always have a theory; usually waaaay out there in left field, so far out of the box that no one can find it, even with satellite assistance.  You see, I am asleep most of the time. Only when the caffeine hits am I awake. While I think I'm falling asleep, I'm actually already asleep. Another one solved, Holmes.

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My wife just went for a nap. This causes some sort of quantum time warp where she sleeps but in our subjective reality, it can last anywhere from five minutes to sixteen hours (you think I'm kidding?). This is precisely why we cannot understand quantum physics, or Nap Physics, as we Nap Physicists prefer to call it.

After the subjective nap time has elapsed, she will emerge from her cave, looking 3/4 asleep, not having seen her shadow or me. If I say Good Morning, she may acknowledge me in a voice that would make a frog sound like Pavarotti. She'll tell me she came out for something to drink. When I ask if she's ready to get up, she tells me she's not done sleeping yet. This is either the most brilliant statement about sleep ever, or .....