I Used to be Pretty Good at Walking

 

Your love is like  Snausages (which smell exactly like Slim Jims)

• Where was the weirdest place you got a pimple?

Today I identify as  those little metal things that keep Ace bandages from unraveling once you put them on your limb.

Another great thing about living in the current time.... there was no internet when some of our parents were raising us, thus they wouldn't come across this article called "How to tell if your child may be a psychopath"

NEW YORK — Americans who love hitting the gym and taking selfies while they work out are more likely to exercise in the morning.

What about Americans who blog and generally don't get off the couch? The answer is we're better adjusted, because even if we did exercise, we wouldn't take selfies. We're aware enough to know nobody wants to see that crap.  

 

• Senators: CIA has secret program that collects American data
• The CIA is not supposed to operate on American soil against Americans. And this is just what was found. 
• Told you so. 

Beijing Olympic News  

Kamila Valieva, the 15-year-old Russian figure skating star who helped her team win Winter Olympic gold in Beijing, failed a drugs test in December.

China says the failed drug test is caused by sigfinicant anti-Chinese bias and demands Kamila be allowed to compete. China further suspects people are still mad about that Covid thing.

China is also pissed because the rest of the world has a first name and a last name, in that order.

• the Apple update for my work phone says it will correct something about Braille displays.
• is there an ADD display too? Maybe something for dyslexics or premature ejaculators? 

Oxymoron: Effective Meetings

Hold everything! Pause your surfing. Put your texting to bed. Put your calls on Ignore. AMERICANS IDLE has a new season!

• My mom, and later on, stepdad, supported me unequivocally.
• that may explain this blog. And a lot of shocked faces. 

Tesla Extravaganza

In today's Tesla news, pedestrian warning systems in 578,607 cars, aka 'Boombox' feature will be disabled. Boombox allows owners to play music through the external-facing speaker, which is said to 'interfere with safety standards.'  

BOOO to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, which simply doesn't want anybody having any fun.

Also in Tesla news, Tesla factory is “racially segregated workplace,” Calif. state agency alleges

I don't approve of discrimination, but I don't approve of the state being allowed into the business of private business.

'Full Self-Driving' clips show Teslas on train tracks and fighting for control. Experts see deep flaws.

Full self-driving not ready for prime time. I told you so.

However, failing to stop for a pedestrian in a crosswalk is pretty cool. It will teach them to pay attention.

• Parent Livid After School Instructs 8th-Graders to Describe Sex Acts Using Pizza Toppings
• I'm trying to figure out what this would look like.
• Pepperoni won't fit through olives.... peppers are way too large for sausage... onions overpower beef....
• ok, it was a silly exercise at teaching kids you have to ask your partner what they want before sex, since it might not be what you thought.
• That's pretty clear and considerate. I might like pepperoni but she prefers veggie. But then again, would I really be having sex with a girl who prefers veggie?

Many Republicans think the NFL does too much for Black players and are losing interest in the league, poll shows

1. I did not create that headline
2. I am not a republican (I'm a libertarian)
3. I think the NFL is cuckoo for cocoa puffs, plus the players' shenanigans lately
4. I don't see this ending well
5. I think the NFL treats black and white the same - especially on Traumatic Brain Injury
6. Who fscking cares - I am the Anti-Sports

• if you're shopping for an android tablet, do NOT get any of the Amazons. Amazon sits on top of android and hijacks all your information for the benefit of Amazon. There are ways to de-Amazon the tablet on the web.

You just cannot kill everybody who doesn’t agree with you.

Dammit.

Sometimes practical advice is the worst.

The band of bad weather, including snow, has been over the area and not moving for hours. Sometimes I feel it's just a bunch of gray clouds, permanently over the area. Or just my house.

So it's snowing. Again.

this is a pretty normal and repeating sequence of events: it snows, I get aggravated. Sometimes I shovel. It's not like I live in the southwest, where it's not supposed to snow... I just wish it didn't snow here. The weatherguy said the band might slip into New Jersey, and good riddance, I say. We get enough from New Jersey - they can have our snow.

We were supposed to go out today, naturally. The only thing keeping the roads safe is that it's just above freezing. As soon as it goes down a few degrees, black ice starts.  Mrs. lefty discovered cars don't move as efficiently upside down, due to black ice, so we'll be staying in. Again. 

I had to change the tv channel, due to Sports Glut. First the Olympics, then football. The thing most mentioned was a halftime show. We are a nation of morons. I get credit for knowing all the names performing, and extra credit for avoiding them. The irony is that it's going to be really hot, wherever the game is (CA?) and it's snowing here. I'd gladly trade.

I rarely watch tv, but today it's going to be insufferable. Our Super Bowl party usually involves Monty Python movies and treats. Because I am the Anti-Sports.

• A man in upstate New York is fighting to keep his emotional support pig
• once again, the government pokes its nose where it doesn't need to be
• let them try to come for my service elephant....

On the Ice, a Question: Where Are the Black Figure Skaters?

Where are the white halftime show performers? 

• Destinee Lashaee Dies: ‘My 600-lb Life’s First Trans Castmember Was 30
• sheesh... who saw that coming?
• This is obviously discrimination against trans people
• hang on a second... this 600-lb person realized they were a different gender. How come none of the 600-lb people realize they were skinny?

Aardvarks with Anvils All in Arizona Around An Alleged Ark

 

Your love is like  peanut butter wanton soup

Keep in mind that we are now past the Groundhog Equinox. This means the days are getting longer. So watch out for .37 extra minutes of clouds and gloom.

• Pakistan: Police hunt for 'healer' who hit nail into woman's head for baby boy
• procedure for female child: cut off head

Today I identify as  a complete set of drink coasters your parents always used, but you threw away because you don't use drink coasters and they were ugly. Now that your parents are gone, you miss the coasters.

• my workplace wants everybody to know we're getting bigger, better printer copiers.
• 95% of us work from home. 

It's human nature, I know. To keep touching the spot the dentist operated on and stitched. If you're supposed to ignore it, your tongue will spend 75% of its time there. I would rather not know, so that area is largely untouched, like the collection of Playboy magazines at Neverland. I know there's no tooth there and would prefer not to. But there are stitches and I think I feel them hanging around, in not particularly attached ways. This disturbs and horrifies me, because I'm terrified of stitches, even after donating a tooth. Don't let anybody tell you there's no difference between male and female dentists: the male dentist pulled a tooth and I barely noticed anything happened. The female seemed to be doing some sort of dance, which calling out the choreography: "To one side, to the other side, to one side, to the other side." I swear when she got it out, she sounded surprised that it came out in one piece, if not at all.

So I had to make an appointment to sit there and go over options for toothal replacement (see, I already speak the lingo). They have some ingenious ways of generating appointment fees.... I think there are three ways of dealing with it:

1. Bridges: it's where several teeth are sorta bound together, but as with all bridges, there's never a toll taker when you need one. If you have more than one bridge, one can take over from the other if one is down. To the best of my knowledge, they do not raise when ships come by.
2. Implants: these are nowhere near as fun as the alien implants. At least you don't know it happened when the aliens do the work. It's a different story when dentists get involved. They bring in all sorts of pneumatic tools, stick some of it in your mouth, install a screw in your jaw, then glue something that looks like a tooth to it. The thought of this makes every single hair on my body stand up and scream NOOOOOOOOOO. Strangely, it is also the most expensive, at about one decent guitar per tooth.
3. I can't remember. Maybe just leaving it alone, leaving you toothless.

My wife has no fear, probably because they're my teeth, but she says implant. Funny, I never said implants to her.....

In the meantime, things are....   different.... in my mouth. There's another spot waiting for a decision. The funny part is that it's in roughly the same spot on the other side, so I can't chew correctly on either side. It's like internal food ping pong with sharp food. Plus I have to manage to miss the stitched side while also missing the other side. I saw a bag of mixed Salty Things tonight. They were all pointy, so I couldn't eat them. So naturally I tried. A mini Dorito can cause as much pain and damage as chewing razorblades. Naturally the sharp end goes right into the stitches.

What do they recommend?  Soft foods.

What, baby food? Meal replacement shakes? Weight Watchers pre-delivered, pre-digested pablum? I'm living off soda, soup, and ice cream, which, I guess, could be worse. For some reason, no straws. Do you have ANY IDEA what it's like to be told I can't have my little YooHoo juice boxes? SO I got out my welding torches and accessories, and managed to open the top to drink from, so I didn't use that stupid plastic straw. Necessity is a mother, or something. I guess we all have to be proud of something... most people would be proud of not passing out in the dentist's chair, not throwing up, not complaining about needles. I'm proud I can get to the cold chocolaty YooHoo goodness without the forbidden straw. Unfortunately, more of it winds up on my shirt this way.

Flying AIDS News  

CDC turns to poop surveillance for future COVID monitoring

if the shit fits...

Covid: Australia to reopen borders to international travel

Canada trucker protest: Ottawa declares emergency

Inside the $250 million effort to convince Americans the coronavirus vaccines are safe

Covid-19 vaccines and treatments: we must have raw data, now

Pfizer CEO says two Covid vaccine doses aren't 'enough for omicron'

Moderna’s omicron booster was only as good as current vaccine in monkey study

Kansas medical board faces threats from lawmakers for probing ivermectin use

seriously now - they are not allowing investigation to see if it works. SHE'S A WITCH - BURN HER!

Beijing 2022: Winter Olympics hit by deluge of complaints from athletes 

• freezing conditions, dismal housing
• suspicion that loyalty songs to Chinese leader are not normally sung every morning at 6am at the Olympics
• spy cameras are not catching their best angles
• Chinese condom quality control sub-optimal
• Elaine Chen, American skater, about to steal Olympic business secrets and emigrate to China

I finally did it. I haven't been to Guitar Center since before the Flying AIDS hit. Today we somehow managed to get out of the house to visit. It's not that they'd have anything I wanted, but to get out and sort of a symbolic visit. They told me right off the bat there wasn't a single left handed guitar in the store. It's like the Cheese Shop sketch... there sure are a lot of guitars here. On the door was a sign that said due to CDC guidance, masks not required for vaccinated customers. That changes daily, but good for us.

There was a Cracker Barrel on the way home. I see the sign but it still seems like a foreign restaurant to me. Mrs. lefty went once and suggested I de-virginize myself. We checked the menu online... if I were to make a joke about Cracker Barrel, it might start with chicken fried chicken. But no, it's on the menu. After reading through the menu it seemed like a foreign language that used the same words we do. Country ham, sugar ham, down home ham, and everything is fried, even the boneless, skinless chicken (the healthy choice). Chicken fried steak, chicken fried ham, ham fried eggs, egg fried mashed potatoes, and Coke. As much as I could decode from the menu, they seem to speak Southern. Perhaps this is revenge for the war.... Yankees ain't got no breedin'.

Small wonder Wife wanted to go... there's a large store/gift shop in front of the dining room. And there was a bizarre selection of Stuff for sale - everything from car toys to cast iron cookware (the husband behavioral aid). There was a whole half wall of sodas I'd never seen before. The most confusing one was Red Soda. Just Red Soda. WTF is Red Soda? Am I supposed to feel stupid asking? They had Windex soda, which is anything light blue, but it had the good grace to say it was blue cream soda.

Finally pried away from the buyables, we went to get sat. They had a really cool app for the tablet that showed the tables. I thought it was really cool. Off we went. Past the first section. Looking at the second section, into the third section. The hostess looked a little confused, and disappeared into the kitchen for a bit. I looked at Wife and said "This is going to get more difficult, isn't it?" She agreed, but hostess finally returned from her cigarette/line/doobie, still a bit quizzical, and finally sat us in the very rear of the last section. So I'm wondering about the point of the cool app on her tablet. Did it actually show tables, whether they were full, and the waitress, or was it all just for show and to further confuse the staff?

Reading the menu was difficult for me. I'm fairly fluent in english, but remember, this was Southern (or something). I had to keep asking Wife what this or that meant. This was weird too, as Wife has never been south of New Jersey. The menu items were just... not what we generally eat here, generally for health reasons. They did have a rainbow trout dish, which I thought would be healthier, but they deep fried it with deep fries. I decided on meat loaf, because how can you fsck up meat loaf? That was my mistake. When I ask how you can fsck something up, restaurants take it as a challenge.

I want to be fair here; after an hour or so, when the food appeared, it was good. The Coke was good. I tasted a dumpling, which I can safely say I would live just fine without, although I was assured it was a good dumpling.  It was at this point I came up with the one dish they were missing, but would put them over the top: Bacon-Wrapped Ham.

So far the score is Liked It (1), Didn't Hate It (1). You don't know this but Didn't Hate It is actually high praise. I hate everything. They suddenly ran out of everything for dessert, so I had some nice Industrial Vanilla ice cream. On the way out, I tried as best I could to corral all the little spenders, so the non-food bill was only $57. I don't understand it, but she buys large bags and gives them as presents. You'd think they were filled with gold. The entire family is thrilled with a sturdy large bag. And they stop stealing hers. Where am I going with this? Off a cliff. 

I have an extremely vague memory of a chain called Stuckey's in the South. Dan Baird even referenced it in a song (Julie and Lucky).

Oh yeah, Guitar Center had a deck of Elvis playing cards for $20. I don't know whether this came about before or after Chapter 11.

Definitions 

fantasmare: when you give in and fly out to visit your parents. Is it a fantasy or nightmare? Both.                         - contributed by Mrs. lefty

• there I sat, grumbling that the dog had once again failed to take the trash out, when I noticed it was sunny outside. I stopped for a while to let this register. It was difficult. I sat in my office and could see the sun out of the corner of my eye. It was distracting and threw me off my work.
• my coworkers, some in other states, don't understand. Their states get more than two days per week of sun. When I tell them, they look at me like I have three heads. Come to think of it, that's pretty much the way they look at me normally.
• we keep our cameras taped over for safety reasons. Perhaps the safety of the person on the other side, in case they got a glimpse of me.

Stuff, already impossible to find, has taken a new opportunity to confuse. Whereas we had a place for everything, that changed daily, we now have a place for everything, that changes slightly, perhaps by itself, but the data isn't in on that yet.

Unable to find my hand in front of my face to start, this makes things incredibly difficult. Before, stuff used to move by entire rooms or sides of the house. Now it moves a foot or two. It might as well be the entire side of the house, because I still can't find it. Just the other day I went to get something.. I forget if it was toilet paper or head gaskets for an old eight cylinder engine. I was getting ready to shout "Hey, Honey, where are the..." when I moved my head slightly and discovered the item had moved, but only a foot or so, just out of my immediate field of vision. This is not so bad with head gaskets, but potentially catastrophic with toilet paper. Just two weeks ago, toilet paper had moved from a counter display to a floor display. Men are not equipped to deal with this sort of change, and will stand there until either they re-discover it or a spouse comes along to explain it. So now I at least have a head start on finding things. Before I yell "Where is the...." I look within a two foot radius.

Now that I've figured this out, I'll need to work on how it's happening. I know all disappearances and reappearances were the work of Wife. The slight moves could still be the work of Wife, or maybe House. Stuff just happens. Sometimes we don't even bother questioning it. Like the time the bed moved to the basement. Wife can't lift it and it's just not something I'd do. So how did it get there, and why did *I* have to put it back? I guess Bed-Moving Elves could be an answer, as well as a dog who had developed super powers. I just don't get what they get out of it. Maybe they get off on the confusion they create. Poltergeists? Leprechauns? The Cauliflower Marketing Board?

We have to sage the fsck out of this place.

• The US Navy has announced a position for carrier experts, to be paid at a very high level. The candidate will be able to keep track of F-35 aircraft and see they are secured correctly. IF they land.

The USS Bajyma 

Captain: how long has it been?

Mate: a week, Sir

Captain: and still no sight of our target?

Mate: What *is* our target, Sir?

Voiceover: 25 men, aboard the USS Bajyma. Its sacred mission; find the Port of Clitorris. Explore for the good of mankind.

Mate: Oh. I have heard this Port of Clitorris spoken of, but didn't know it was a real place.

Captain: That is what we are going to find out.

Mate: Captain - I think I see it - the Port of Clitorris! After only a few weeks' sail on the Sea of Lubriccasion.

Captain: That's why you get the Big Bucks, Matey. Tie off - we're going ashore!

Mate: I've not seen the likes of this anywhere.

Captain: Aye. (because there had to be an 'aye' in there somewhere)

Mate: What are your orders?

Captain: Explore.

Mate: Captain, we've been here for a week.

Captain: what have you found?

Mate: it's going to sound silly, Sir, but there's a formation that comes and goes, occasionally getting larger.

Captain: We must document this for our backers. Shore leave!

Mate: Captain - where to now? More exploration?

Captain: We will continue to explore the Port of Clitorris. Ever since we started, the women have been very nice to us. The longer we explore, the nicer they are.

This week in Tesla News does not feature Tesla.

Instead, Kia and Hyundai warn 485,000 SUV owners to park outside due to fire risk. The cause is an antilock brake controller module, not an exploding battery. Sorry, Elon, better luck next week.

Trainspotting with the Blind

 Your love is like  herpes duplex

I just looked at the stats for the blog. Google/blogspot gives out some stats, but they're almost impossible to figure out. I pretty much trust the ones about which operating systems access this blog. In the last week, only one was linux. I am very upset about this and appeal to good sense. In fact, if I don't see more linux hits, I'll... I'll... continue to ignore the stats and say nothing.

• What is Philly famous for? Soft pretzels and cheesesteaks
• if you were at one of the most famous steak places, Pat's, you might have seen the shooting.
• Philly: Come for the cheesesteaks, stay for the shootings

Today I identify as  the slow guy when the lion chases the sightseers

I hate to get all serious, but....

UPPER MERION TWP, Pa. - A procession was held on Sunday for a Montgomery County firefighter who police say was killed by a drunk driver while he was aiding a two-car crash on the Schuylkill Expressway over the weekend.

Q. When will this stop?

A. Never

You irresponsible fscking drunks. You cost lives. There are taxis, Uber, friends, and hotels. Haven't you been alive long enough to see the Don't Drive Drunk commercials? You made a really bad decision and now a man is dead. And it's not like there are only a few of you. Both cars involved had DUI drivers.

• I'm putting together a prodigious beer belly. The only problem is that I don't drink beer. I asked the doctors if maybe I'm pregnant. They remind me of my gender and assure me that's not the case. They suggest the medicine they gave me. Sometimes I feel hung over, which also suggests alcohol consumption. But I don't really drink. I could be pregnant on one of those immaculate conception deals. They point out my extreme lack of womb. Well, if it's the medicine, how about a different medicine? No, this one works. It is extremely easy to make this sort of pronouncement when you're on the pen side of the prescription pad. Let's see YOU use it for a few weeks, then I'll consider it. Putz/

The Olympics are happening. I learned years ago that Olympics is capitalized. I remembered, but can't remember why. It's more fun hearing news around the Olympics than watching them. Like the tremendous amount of condoms used by the athletes. It would be pretty cool to have a Condom Blowing Up event, but alas, no. How about Live from the Olympic Dorms: Athlete Sex? THAT would be some ratings there, lemme tellya. Even the people like me, who don't like sports, would tune in for that. Except maybe for the Russian teams, if they still look like they used to. The Russian women's ballet team looked just like the Russian male football team.

Yeah, I don't like sports. It also seems silly that skateboarding is a sport. Maybe volleyball too. You know the ancient Greeks didn't have skateboards. Digs of ancient Greek sites never turn up skateboard parks. Greek literature does not contain a single "oh wooooow duuuuuude". I smell a surfing event next. This won't go well when the judges keep drowning.

Maybe it's time for some real sports.....

• the jar opener
• building demolitions
• pub crawl - last one standing
• picking up a supermodel

Printer ink continues to rank as one of the most expensive liquids around with a litre of the home office essential costing the same as a very high-end bottle of bubbly or an oak-aged Cognac

• my cousin is pregnant. Very pregnant. We visited the other day. She said she really doesn't like that people feel they can come up and touch her belly without asking. She's fine if they ask. I watched Mrs lefty touch her belly. I've seen this trick before, so by the time she asked me to touch it, I was already in the car.

The dog is out making friends again. The other day, at a convenience store, Wife was on the way out and noticed 2 police cars and 3 policemen around our car. They all thought Penny was gorgeous and wanted to pet her. 

Back when Marshall was sick, Wife would drive him around because it relaxed him. She got pulled over at 3am for suspicion of Bad Things and explained what was going on. Also at the convenience store, she heard one policeman talking to another about Marshall. They knew about him.

I guess it's almost like having cute kids... I dunno....

• I found out way later that there was a conspiracy around getting Mrs. lefty and me together. It involved the staff of two professional offices. I'm stupid, like most guys, and wouldn't know it if it beat me over the head. We had lunch one day, and that was IT. She hit me like a brick wall. I hope you were/will be as lucky.

Flying AIDS news

CDC to reverse indoor mask policy, saying fully vaccinated people should wear them indoors in Covid hot spots

Just making it up as we go along.

We. Have. No. Idea.

COVID surge in unvaccinated is pushing US to more mandates, masks, mitigation

Fauci Wants to Make Vaccines for the Next Pandemic Before It Hits

We. Have. No. Idea.

Bet on Rand Paul against Anthony Fauci

...on funding of Wuhan lab 

Covid passports: How do they work around the world?

vair ah your paperz?

PG&E Will Bury 10,000 Miles of Cable to Stop Sparking California Wildfires

for the second time, PG&E has been caught with their electrical cables down, causing wildfires in California. So they're going to bury the cables, at a cost of $15-30 billion. Guess who's going to pay for it?

Tokyo 2020: S Korea TV sorry for using pizza to depict Italy

you can't make this shit up

Olympics Broadcaster Announces His Computer Password on Live TV

Role model for any idiot with a computer....

Amazon reportedly has a ‘key’ to thousands of apartment buildings in US

So, they have their cameras in and out of your house, they know everything you order, and now they have keys to your apartment building. For an additional charge, you can adopt an Amazon employee. Yes, you can sponsor one of these poor line workers, who have to pee in jars because bathroom breaks were too long. If you order now, you get this nice t-shirt, with the picture of an Amazon worker, sorting boxes on the assembly line. We had to stop the part of the program where you could write to the Amazon worker you sponsored, as they are not allowed to take breaks to read your emails.

Bachman Turner Overdrive 1975
back when they used to be Bachman Turner Overweight

I've Got a Budgie in my Rhinocerous

A California man was served with a restraining order for 'stalking' Apple CEO Tim Cook.  All was forgiven after it was discovered the man was just an Apple Fanboi, who was begging for Cook to introduce a phone costing less than the Gross National Product of Saudi Arabia. The man was tackled and beaten senseless by other Fanbois, who insisted on paying that kind of money for a phone, allowing them to feel even more superior to android users.



How big companies buy credit card data on millions of Americans
meh - it's only your data - nothing to see here

• Why does this spellchecker know Wimbledon but not internet?

Dear lefty:

• Did you see the Democratic debate?
• No - let me guess: it will cost us lots of money
• Did you see the Republican debate?
• No, was Trump tweeting at himself again?

No, really, I just couldn't make myself watch it.
But let me give you the probable highlights:

• Bernie promised more Free Stuff, including funerals, food, and fornicating
• Bloomberg thought he was the smartest in the room, and never failed to tell  everyone
• Warren identified as smart
• There was a 20 minute argument over how to pronounce Buttigieg
• No one can name the others

The upcoming olympics have changed in the wake of the coronavirus PANDEMIC SCARE RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! Rather than risk the athletes' health, the Olympic Committee has ruled that the olympics will go on, with each team performing in their home stadium. The committee apologizes in advance for the lack of amusing possibilities, like javelins impaling other throwers, runners tripping other runners, and the Arizona Bobsled team, which is still looking for a practice facility.



Lambda’s claim, reproduced on its website, that “86% of Lambda School graduates are hired within 6 months and make over $50k a year”

In a section warning that student-debt collections may prove too low, it matter-of-factly states that, “We’re at roughly 50% placement for cohorts that are 6 months graduated.”

Founder defends by saying he liked the higher numbers better.

• ".... she even showed fans how to thread her eyebrows"
• Do not try this at home, guys.

Today I identify as  the dead animal on top of Liberace's head



IRS sues Faceyspaces for $9B, says company offshored profits to Ireland

Lord Zuck appears before Congress again, gets total down to $10.

• Did you know the whale is not a fish?  It is an insect
• Speaking of insects, have dinner at the Frog and Peach
• Peter Cook was a genius and one of my favorites. Watch how he cracks Dudley Moore up. It was a hobby of his.

Barclays installed "Big Brother" software to monitor employees.
"Avoid breaks", "Not enough time in the zone yesterday."
My employer uses this software too. To make sure we're not sleeping.

• McDonald's to sell Quarter Pounder scented candles
• not expected to outsell vagina-scented candles

Speaking of vagina-scented candles, I aim to bring you all the vagina-scented candle news that you can use:

• here's a headline you can't make up: Elton John loves Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina-scented candle. No. He. Does. Not.
• Erykah Badu's (real name Jamie Goldstein) vagina-scented incense sold out. She explains this to her children as marketing genius - not pussy perfume.
• Gwyneth Paltrow shares the story behind the vagina candle. When asked if the scent is hers, she winks slyly.
• Martha Stewart mocked Gwyneth Paltrow's candle, saying she wouldn't buy it. The 78 year old is holding out for 78 year old Sylvester Stallone's "Hey - this is my dick" candle. Elton John also expressed interest, as did most of the cast of cooking and dress shows.
• Little is known about Gwyneth Paltrow's next product because she's waiting til the Vagina-Furor dies down. The new product is Do It Yourself Vagina-Scented Candle Kit. It is aimed squarely at teens, who have that Do It Yourself ethos. Designed to be a lower cost alternative, the Kit costs $437, as opposed to the original's $99.99. When asked why the lower-priced alternative is over 4 times the original's price, Ms Paltrow stated that it comes with a video camera to tape the scenting of the candle, because teens have to take video of everything going into their vaginas and post it online.
• Also not released was the list of other candles that never made it to market: Smells Like My Ass candle, Athlete's Crotch candle, Clint Eastwood - Do You Feel Lucky candle - guess what the scent is, and an Elizabeth Warren candle, that identifies as a baseball bat.

Heroes of the Stupid

This exactly why some dudes be turning gay..it’s cool to show your son how to be a man but in some ways u gota hate yo pops a lil bit. When somebody shows u affection u start to love them. Your son might see something in u to make him like men. All it take is [heartbreak] or the wrong fem.

Google is cutting down on android apps that track your location in the background.  Because our tracking is the only tracking.

A group of black Israelites, managed to convince a desperate white couple to kiss their boots to apologise for slavery. They think this is helping black people.
Hang on... black Israelites? Asian basketballers? Jewish nazis? Black yachtsmen? Scotsmen at Wimbledon?

Doctors should be able to write prescriptions for housing the same way they do for insulin or antibiotics.  - Gavin Newsom, Gov CA

ThermionicEmissions celebrates Week 4 of the Missing Spellchekr. Google?

SJW Slather  

How straight 'bromances' harm the LGBTQ12345+ community.

How toxic masculinity limits men's options for expressing friendship....

Today, in a room full of cybersecurity professionals, there are still more people called Steve that there are women.

Google AI no longer uses gender binary tags on images of people
Working on 'asshole' tag

A new National Geographic commercial talks about getting scientists together to talk about their work and collaborate, in a climate of inclusion. There were Asian women, Asian men, and even a caucasian female. Fortunately the stage was not contaminated by the presence of the Patriarchy (in the form of white cis hetero males). We drink!  To the spirit of inclusion.

He's Dead, Jim

Sometimes, they are all out to get you department:

It's my wife's communicator, Jim. In the 2000s, we call them cell phones.
Through a combination of negligence, volume, and evil, that phone is out to get me.

At first, I thought it was just her forgetfulness... she went to another part of the house and just left the phone near me. It would BEEP, whirl, and whizz at random intervals. This is annoying enough, but the RING is the worst. This phone has some amazing audio and the ringer is turned all the way up, so she can hear it if she leaves it in the next state over (or the basement, whichever is further away). Dead people rise from their eternal slumber when it rings. I can't find it, but I swear the thing has a subwoofer somewhere.

Then I thought about it for a while and wondered if, instead of forgetfulness, it might be passive-aggressive, so she leaves the phone near me because she knows that when it rings, I hit the ceiling. But she's not like that.. she'll jump right up and tell me she hates me instead of dancing around the phone.

I'm sitting there, minding my own business, making all this shit up for the blog, using my ability to type really quickly, with almost 80% inaccuracy, and then the evil thing RINGS. It wakes up the half-deaf dog and I have to pull myself down from the ceiling, or the roof at times. So I asked nicely if she could take the phone with her whenever she walks out of the room. No problem, she said. Unfortunately, she never remembers the phone when she walks out of the room or her promise to take it with her.  So I remind her again, with the patience of a kindergarten teacher. She apologizes and walks out of the room without the phone. It is obvious I have lost this war.

Actually she's doing much better. The phone only terrorizes me eight hours a day. I didn't notice it as much as the ceiling, which sent me flowers and told me it missed me. So I'm sitting on the toilet, doing what men do (surfing for porn local news), when I hear RINNNNNNNNG and head up to visit my friend, the ceiling. It requested that next time, I pull my pants up before visiting.

The only possible explanation is that the phone had somehow managed to beam itself to the bathroom, where it laid in wait for me. It waited until I was in the Internet Zone and completely relaxed, before it let out another inhuman blast. I made loud, intense screaming noises, which brought its owner to the vicinity. She suggested I answer it. I suggested she perform an anatomically impossible act.

I haven't slept for four days, for fear of the evil device sneaking onto my bedside table, waiting until I drift off, then RINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG.

• IMPORTANT: since Valentine's Day is coming, Dunkin Donuts is again featuring Brownie Batter donuts (for about 2 weeks). They're heart-shaped, with chocolate frosting on top, and what one could only call brownie batter inside. I don't get paid for this. In fact, I don't even get a damn free donut. But they're that good, so get one before they stop making them til next year.

Safer Internet Day is February 6.
Who names this stuff?
To celebrate, click on any old link, and send someone your credentials. Extra points for banking login and password.

• What online sex toys can teach you about secure coding. This article features the groundbreaking Panty Buster, and is readable by most people.
• What if someone on the internet could take control of your intimate toy?
• On the other hand, what if someone on the internet could take control of your internet toy?
• WARNING: if you're going to test the theory, I'd suggest not wearing them to work.

Nestle will stop producing "Walnut Whips" because the name encourages sexual violence to men. I had to read the article to figure out how the name encourages sexual violence to men. And who could possibly have complained.. perhaps men are taking their cues from Social Justice Warriors. In case you don't want to click on the link, it refers to the practice of a man getting his testicles hit with a riding crop. The pursuit of knowledge is a good thing, but... perhaps this is slightly preferable to getting one's testicles crushed by a high heel, but let's just leave that to the imagination (and the people who enjoy this sort of thing).

• Pope Francis received a 2015 letter from a victim of abuse by a Chilean priest, detailing the abuse. Pope Francis claimed no one came forward.
• It is time to shut down what could be the largest crime syndicate on the planet. From the abusive priests all the way up the line. People should practice their religion but those up top are complicit in this crime (and others).

College Strikes Again!

Once again Campus Reform went on campus, this time to John Jay college in New York City. The students heard quotes they believed were from President Trump's State of the Union address and hated them. They hated them, then they found out they were from President Obama's State of the Union address. 

• The next governor of Michigan could be Abdul El-Sayed, a 33-year-old doctor and son of an Egyptian immigrant. A muslim.
• What could possibly go wrong?

Esmond Bradley Martin, investigator of elephant and rhino horn trades and protector, was found stabbed to death in his home in Kenya.

So sad. Someone has to speak for the animals.

What do you suppose he did to piss off the Clintons?

• More powerful than a C-130, two and a half times as fast as a speeding bullet, able to kill, destroy and mutilate foreign countries. Look. Up in the sky! It's a drone. It's a Concorde! It's The Valkyrie II, which will circle the globe in 3 hours or less. 
• Because Boeing needs to feed their kids too. With your tax dollars.

Two for the Price of One

Bisphenol A (BPA) is found in plastic containers and water bottles. In use since the 1960s, it mimics the female hormone estrogen (oestrogen if you live in Blighty). This leaves 90% of teenagers with gender-messing chemicals in their bodies. It has been linked to type 2 diabetes and heart disease, as well as declining male fertility. Ok, we could use some declining fertility, but I'm drawing the line at diabetes. 

Part 2: More teens are transgender, or identify using terms other than male or female these days. Perhaps they've all been consuming BPA. Perhaps they're full of excrement, buoyed by people in schools and colleges, who think it's ok to punch people if they don't agree with you and that free speech is only free if it agrees with you.

Don't get me wrong: people age 18 or above should be able to do anything they want with their own bodies, assuming they can afford it. But the children in the study were not 18 and some of them have already had surgical procedures. Like alcohol and driving, pick a point where they're capable of making a decision like this and stick with it.

Son: Mom, I have... something to... tell you.

Mom: Oh no. What is it, Son?

Son: Mom, I'm transgendered.

Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you were going to tell me you're gay. By the way, are you sure?

Son: Completely.

Mom: I was just wondering... you being 5 years old and all.....

Personally, I identify as a lobster. Except during lobster season, when I identify as a 1974 Pinto - the one with the exploding gas tank.

• The Guardian is reporting that "every NHS (UK National Health Service) trust assessed for cyber security vulnerabilities has failed to meet the standard required."
• Fortunately that would never happen in the US, especially with electronic health records.

A Department of Homeland Security employee demonstrated the agency's commitment to keeping America safe by sticking his classified what-if anthrax papers in his airplane seat and getting off the plane. The documents are supposed to be shredded, but to be fair to the scientist, it's not like he had a shredder with him. 

CNN found the documents and agreed to hold the story until after the Superbowl, scrubbing classified data.

It is not true that we get what we pay for. It is true that we will continue to pay more for it.

Whether or not there is weather...

• Doesn't this just seem to be our year... a false tsunami warning was sent to residents along the East Coast after a private company sent out an alert following a test by the National Weather Service. The NWS tweeted out the correction and stated that it was not sent out by them.
• The tweet to South Carolina was sent by the AccuWeather app; they stated this was a test.
• It either was or wasn't a test...  it shouldn't be that difficult to get copies of that tweet, fellas.
• There will be Finger Pointing Meetings for several weeks, until a scapegoat can be appointed, in absentia if necessary.
• New York's Whacky Mayor, Bill DeBlasio, said that a false tsunami warning was better than a false nuclear warning. After leaving office, Bill will pursue his dream gig, as a shock jock.
• Some will say there's no such thing as a coincidence.
• You gotta admit, two in under a month is quite coincidental.
• In the immortal words of rock's bard, Ozzie Osbourne, "Don't ask me - I don't know."

There is a great white shark named George stalking the Everglade waters. I need to know how they know his name is George.

Wanna see my javelin?

• Last year the International Olympics Committee purchased 450,000 condoms for the Rio Olympics. In case you're wondering, the article states that this was enough for each athlete (ath-uh-leet in Philly) to have sex about 42 times. What are those folks eating and doing there? And can we get some? It's amazing they have time to compete, unless their particular games are being scored unofficially.
• In 2012, at the London olympics, they went through 100,000 condoms the first week. Nah, they're obviously blowing them up and putting them on their heads. Or, as we're reading, it may be to protect themselves from the coaches.

It doesn't happen everyday but police were involved in a standoff with a tiger in Scotland. Things got tense but after 45 minutes, some brave soul determined that it was a stuffed tiger.  No wonder it didn't growl or look at them or move or anything....

What are today's schoolchildren up to?

• Officials in New York have postponed a Daddy-Daughter Dance because of New York City's gender neutral policy. The reason is that it excluded other genders. No word on how many genders the dance excluded. Later this year, they will drop the term 'freshman' because it connotes gender. Next year they will cease using 'senior'. There's nothing really wrong with the term - they just need something to complain about and this was convenient.
• Social Justice Warriors at yet another New York high school managed to get a production of The Hunchback of Notre Dame shut down after a cracker honky white cis male landed the lead role. An African-American male quit the project earlier when a cracker honky bitch white cis female got the role of Esmerelda. 
• The agitators other-than-white privilege students wrote a list of demands, saying that, while the young lady cast as Esmeralda was “a stellar actor, singer, and dancer” any production would be “lucky to have,” she couldn’t be cast in this role because she is the “epitome of whiteness.” This is apparently perfectly ok, so long as no one says 'epitome of blackness.' That would be wrong.
• In case you were wondering, Victor Hugo said Esmerelda was half Roma and half French. The students were in no mood to deal with this kind of logic and went further on strike.
• The best quote, however, was “Stop the racist and openly stated policy of ‘color blind’ casting.."
• A group of students at Kenyon College made so much noise about a play being racist that the author pulled the play. Not satisfied, the students formed a 'whiteness club', where no white students are allowed to ask minorities questions; white people must try to answer their questions for themselves. And no spreading rumors about what people say during the meetings. Mommmmm.... he's looking at me funny again... Mommmm
• The unemployment rate for these kids will be through the roof. It will be a truly sad time when they realize that the air is different in Real Life<tm>. Their coworkers will not join a hastily-arranged march against the vice president of Human Resources for hiring white males. The coworkers also will not be part of the coalition issuing demands to the Payroll department because they pay whites the same as blacks, calling the practice institutionalized racism. No one else will volunteer to come in on weekends to throw black paint on the walls because they're painted white....

The Philadelphia Police just released footage of suspects looting a gas station following the Eagles' win. They threw food and soda, then created a hole in the back wall. We just don't hear enough feel-good stories about Philadelphians...

Philly's mayor, Jim "Sanctuary City" Kenney, referred to the troublemakers as "the knucklehead contingent" and told them to stay home. A spokesperson for the knucklehead contingent referred to the statement as racist and threatened to turn in all the illegal aliens living in the bunker under Kenney's house.

But don't limit this to Philly - the home of the Patriots' player called Gronk was robbed during the Superbowl. Give them credit - they knew when he wasn't going to be home.

• What did I learn today? I learned that the police do not use wooden horses for people control anymore because people break them and use them to start fires. We are a wondrous, adaptive lot.

So the Australian government sells office furniture off cheap when finished with it. So this fella goes to a thrift store and purchases two file cabinets cheaply, because there are no keys. He drills them open to find two file cabinets of Top Secret Australian documents.

Like any patriot, he calls the press. The paper coordinated with the government, who scrubbed serious information.  Sliding right into action, the government is pushing a law making it a criminal offense for the press to publish government secrets if received through unofficial channels. 

Absolutely no mention of selling filing cabinets to second hand stores.
Again, be thankful for the First Amendment.

• Yet another unsecured Cloud instance was left unlocked, exposing the personal details of over 12,000 social media stars.
• Later on, we need to have a discussion about Social Media Stars.
• We are a vapid lot.
• The people who put up the cloud instance need to be jettisoned. This is not a failure of The Cloud; it's a failure of humans.

• Headline of the Day: Woman found holding her eyeball outside church
• and I thought circumcision was bad...

Dear Britons: the first modern human in England had dark skin, blue eyes, and long black hair. He died in his early twenties. This has been determined by blue gene sequencing. He was about 5'5" tall and around 10 stone (that's 47 grams squared in American).  Three schools in New York referred to the discovery as racist because it was discovered via a white, heterosexual method.

The sample of DNA used for testing came from an incredibly old skeleton, and was found in the ear canal.

The moral here is to keep your ear canals clean, if you want to keep your privacy 10,000 years in the future.

1984 Was So 20 Years Ago

There is now a wireless hack that will allow someone to unlock 100 million Volkswagens. And you thought emissions cheating was bad,,,

• Know what's weird? Twitter. It's unlike other places, in terms of variety. There's the ex-NSA guy. The current judges. The girls who show off their boobs for free (and unfortunately, the ones who want you to pay for the privilege). Aging divas who post selfies for reassurance. People who repeat things until they're convinced of them. More than one left-handed guitar player. Tons who want to sell you something and visit their Faceyspaces page. And the one who brags about the famous athletes she banged and the ones she wants to.

Still keeping with our No Olympics Policy, I can only say that there's a lot of them about. And, in spite of my love of Brazilian women, the place is a shithole. Also, if you like big boobs, you're shit out of luck.

• Know what's great about drugs? None of them work right on me. Think of the money I've saved!

it's national tell a joke day: A VA employee sits down at his desk and fulfills requests.

Thank you.

I'm available for children's parties.

• There have been lots of accusations lately where one party blames the other for being corrupt. Hint: they're both correct.

Work gives me a headache. Not work itself, but my coworkers. The cubicle to the left features a phone ring that sounds like an annoying whistle, which the cube to the right automatically parrots every time. The cube in the back has a bird chirp so real that people keep looking up for the bird. The cube on the left also has a hearing problem, so every time his phone goes off, we have to be pulled off the ceiling.

• Ok, I don't know much about geography or floods, but I'm going to go ahead and say it's time to get out of certain parts of Louisiana. Good thoughts to the fine people there. I hope they survive and thrive.

Aetna said that it would sharply reduce its participation in Obamacare's public marketplaces next year. Yes, another win for Obamacare and another loss for the people.

• Ban Ki-moon, outgoing secretary-general of the United Nations, says he would personally like a woman to take over for him.  Why does having indoor plumbing qualify one for this position? Hey, I know.. we'll send Hillary! The UN is practically worthless and we ignore it anyway....

I have an adversarial relationship with Yelp: it sucks plus I don't use it. Trying to locate a restaurant between two hotels a few blocks apart was a nightmare. Not only did it come up with an incredible amount of choices (good), most weren't open at the moment (bad). The reviews were less than helpful. 

The other day we wandered into a store and the owner got started on Yelp. Apparently every few months, perhaps as the result of a salesman change, he gets calls from Yelp, offering to enhance his position. This is quite obviously pay-for-play, which undermines their own stated business model. He said it was nothing more than a platform for trolls. The reviewers didn't say a word to him, yet posted negative reviews. If the platform had any validity, I'd have given him five stars. Honest, personable, knowledgeable, and great customer service. 

• I just read a fascinating(?) story from an Olympic swimmer about performing during her period. For your reading pleasure and general health, I have conveniently forgotten to include the link.

A nation of morons has expanded to include many nations. Pop star Adele tweeted about a burrito, which got retweeted 31,000 times.

• A second information layer of DNA has been found. This is a mixed blessing, as I still don't understand the first layer.

My area got some cooling thunderstorms last night, so it's only going up to 93 today.

This is how McDonalds can fix the $15/hr minimum wage problem

Special Non-Olympic Edition

Since this is the non-Olympic edition, I'll open with an Olympic-related matter.
Notice some of the athletes appearing with what looks like pepperonis on their backs? This is called fire cupping. In brief, a large baby food jar gets its air evacuated by a small flame and stuch onto a person's back. This provides relief for all sorts of maladies, fibromyalgia and fascia disorders among them. The vacuum in the jar helps pull at the skin and other layers, ultimately causing those pepperonis.

We at ThermionicEmissions are amused by this, as Mrs lefty had this treatment about twenty years ago, Don't we sound like hipsters? The only issue was visiting a hospital at the time, when the staff asked her if she was being abused because they had never heard of it. We're an interesting household.

• Up to 900 million android phones are at risk due to a flaw in Qualcomm chips. The bug has been fixed but your phone carrier has to do whatever phone carriers do to it before they send it to your phone. Breaking my heart, this is the bad part of android. But, as we say here, at least it's not an iDevice.

Why is it that women complain when people comment on a tv host's wardrobe but it's ok to publicly grope male athletes?

• There's a young guy at work who answers his phone "FBI." It's heartwarming to see a younger version of me, opening his trap inappropriately, without regard. He will go far (if he's not fired on the way).

Thinking of purchasing a new, computer-controlled car? Jeep was just hacked, allowing acceleration, brake slamming, and turning the wheel at any speed from outside the car.

• The dog continues his grief over his missing cat. We tried some sort of scent that's supposed to remind him of his mother. We're having some difficulty determining if it works, as we can only use it when we're not in the house. As he's still barking at the door when we leave, I'm thinking no. Next step: pharmaceuticals. It's only a matter of time until we're all on the same meds. The vet is talking Ativan.

AIRLINE NEWS:

So Delta experienced a 'power outage', which took down the entire airline on Monday. The power outage quickly morphed into a 'computer outage' and very limited functionality was restored by the afternoon. One day later, they're still pretty messed up.

Once again, I need to point out that there's a serious problem with aviation these days.  This is approximately the fourth airline that has had computer issues in the last year. What kind of infrastructure do our airlines have?  Airlines and the Federal Aviation Administration are pretty important are pretty important functions. Important functions require all sorts of important infrastructure. I'm talking about basic things like at least two sources of power, at least two paths to the internet, at least two data centers, with automatic failover to the second one, reliable backups with functional (and tested) restore, a whole buncha spare parts onsite...  are you getting the idea? If I, in my various jobs, did not have these things, I'd be out on the street the first time there was a power outage (or a computer outage). I have heard from insiders that some of the airline infrastructure is old because the bean counters emphasize profits over equipment.

One article I read stated that this might be a human issue. I'd hope that a human could not take down an entire airline by himself, regardless of what he did to the computer. Yesterday it emerged that their power company said there was an outage, but Delta's equipment failed to switch over to a different provider.

Before any significant news came out, we were assured that this wasn't hacking. This is precisely the same M.O. when there's a shooting: "We don't have any details, but it's not terrorism." I'm not saying that Delta was hacked, but after at least four airline outages, do you think any of the airlines or the FEDERAL Aviation Association would admit to a hacking? Perhaps there were four separate instances of computer outages....I certainly don't know. Decide for yourself.

• I hate like hell to descend to the depths of tabloidism, but here is a small collection of Leonardo DiCaprio's dating stall. Any of us could have a wonderful time with his rejects.

An Indian political activist is ending a 16-year fast.

16 years.

Fast.

As a result, the laws of medicine will be reinstated and thousands of women will want a copy of the regimen. It will become the most attempted diet of all time.

• A Philippine lawmaker wants to ban Donald Trump from the country. Like him or hate him, he sure generates headlines. I'm amused that he gets so much response from people outside of his own country. Meanwhile, democrats also want to ban Trump from the country.

Led Zeppelin has lost a legal bid to recoup almost $800,000 in legal fees from the recent lawsuit. The judge refused because the suit wasn't frivolous. The law is the law but let $800,000 in legal fees soak in.

• At the Olympics, Rowing in Rio was cancelled because the water kept eating through the bottom of the boats. No reschedule dates have been mentioned.

Today's Faceyspaces news: Facebook will now bypass your desktop browser's adblocker. FB and Google own 64% of the digital ad market - do the math.  So if you need yet another reason to dump FB, here it is. I get the feeling it won't matter to many- except my fine readers here.

• Bernie Sanders just bought his third luxury home, at a cost of $600 million. After he asked nicely, they allowed him to pay for it with a check from the Hillary for President campaign.

Feel the Johnson

About 200 million Yahoo account credentials were just dumped online. While there is no indication if the theft is fresh, it won't hurt you to change your password. One of my friends got hacked last week.

In fact, it wouldn't hurt you to change any or all of your passwords. Make them secure. If you're not sure what secure is, do a little searching online with your favorite search engine. I use duckduckgo.com, which doesn't track you.

• I don't wanna say I work with some interesting old folks, but the guys in the next cubicle are discussing the need for sheetrock and the fact that one of them had a half sheet that he just threw out. No, wait, he gave it to his son. Then he proceeded to describe it. It's been a year and a half and I still don't understand this place.

More earth-shattering (stupid) news: our friends over at Apple have changed their handgun emoji to a green water-pistol. Hopefully they will not reproduce. Next up: Apple changes phone shape to round, so you can't 'point' it at anyone.

• I think I'm experiencing Political Burnout. Or General Burnout - I can never tell.

ISIS has threatened the Olympics. In Portuguese. Unfortunately the Google Translate results came out like this: "Your mother is a dumptruck. We fuck goats. We will masturbate in stadiums, to images of pork and pork products."

Just in case they're serious, some of the Olympic sports have been 'adjusted':

* The 100 yard run from explosions

* Throw the javelin at the terrorist

* The itsy bitsy, teenie weenie, yellow polka dot pork bikini pageant for women and men

* The 50 foot dive while keeping your AK47 dry

• The World Health Organization has endorsed a 42 second hand-washing method. Compulsive hand-washers all over the planet rejoice.

Non-political message: Trump called Hillary the devil.

Please put your own punchline in a comment. The winning entry will be included in the next post. There will be no monetary compensation but maybe I can manage a candy bar. Probably not.

• A Dutch man waiting for an online girlfriend to show up, spent 10 days in a Chinese airport. Between the 2 of us, I don't think she's coming, Dude.

I know it's early, but can we have a remake of "Suicide Squad" starring Congress?

• This is Bachelor Week at ThermionicEmissions, as Mrs leftystrat is off tending to two sick parents. Rest easy - Marshall and I are ok, except for figuring out how to hide the hookers and blow Marshall ordered while I was at work. The wife is likely to notice the charge on the credit card.
• The Good Neighbor is concerned, as Marshall has spent less time outside, commanding her to bring him food. Speaking of which, he was so hungry the other day, he ate his own food.
• Marshall also turns up his snout at tap water. We have to put it in a spring water bottle and refrigerate it until cold. My relatives went to Disney and brought him back a water bowl that is very difficult to tip over, as he does when it's empty. At least he has something to occupy his creative side. Meanwhile, I take the water bottle out of the fridge and announce "Special Spaniel Water." He runs to his bowl and drinks the water as I pour it from 3 feet up. After he's done drinking, he paws the water out onto the floor. Nobody knows why.
• Are you getting the picture of life in my house yet?

Donald Trump made few friends the other day, when he kicked a baby out of a Virginia rally. I don't know why people are upset: when I go to a restaurant or on a plane, I always ask for the No Screaming Baby section.

• An Australian woman just became a mother at age 63. Has this possibly gone too far? Who does she think she is - Mick Jagger?

A lawsuit has been filed against the makers of Pokemon Go over players trespassing on private property. Unfortunately, you still can't sue for stupidity.

• A leading Irish Archbishop has said he will stop sending his trainee priests to study in the country’s main Catholic college due to allegations of a “gay culture.”  Still no word on the "pedophile culture".

It has already been established that California is the Land of Fruits and Nuts but the Hollywood Set is particularly affected. The following was heard at the DNC:

"Our president is brilliant" - John Legend
"I Love You, Barack Obama" - Alyssa Milano
"I don't expect to feel as proud of a president in my lifetime as I feel about Obama" - Michael Ian Black

They appear to be living in a different universe.

Get the hell out of here before you get me SHOT