Harvey Irma Jose

Feeling under the weather, I decided rest was indicated. Anyone with all but the most acute powers of observation will not be able to tell the difference between Rest Mode and Non-Rest Mode. My neighbor felt sorry for me and decided to begin a large, noisy, external home improvement project. The banging was quite accomplished, but the loud machinery really drove the point home. Somehow they even managed to produce a loud noise that sounded like they were hammering chains into my walls, for what seemed like weeks, but in reality was just every hour I was awake.

Next day was much better. They waited til I was awake to start (7am). At certain points I felt my house literally shake, as if they were performing surgery on my house instead of next door. One day I'm likely to look out the window and find out what they're doing.  I have cataloged many separate and delightful noises emanating from this project: the Mowing Noise, the Pick on Concrete Noise, the Sledge into Bricks Noise, the Entire House Shaking Noise, and the Repeated BOOM Noise, which only surfaced when I used the phone.

Just for fun, there's a lot of noise coming from the other next door.  Both of my neighbors are elderly: the one who Marshall trained to feed him treats, and the one Satan crosses the street to avoid.

• Once again, a hurricane brought out the best and worst of humanity. Irma hit Florida with a vengeance and long before it hit, the volunteers were out, manning the help lines and trying to get help from more volunteers in the field.
• While the flood of volunteers manned the lines, an army of trolls did their best to interrupt communications. I have never heard anything like this before- with every request for help was one of these young miscreants, yelling obscenities and racist comments. This was completely unlike Hurricane Harvey communications. Maybe the Troll Alarm was sounded, and all the poisonous examples of subhumanity left their caves.
• All through the communications, there were less toxic examples of humanity, who wanted information on the weather, gas, and store openings in their personal neighborhood. These people were genetically incapable of using a search engine to check the information for themselves.
• Comcast and another local provider opened up their wifi hotspots and brought in mobile hot spots, allowing everyone unlimited access.
• People were posing as the electric company and robbing houses.
• While the storm was in its early stages, the looting started. One must note the can-do American spirit of the looters, who got out there, without consideration for life and limb, in the wind and rain, to steal things from other people. To feed their hungry families by stealing sneakers. To protect large screen tv's by taking them home.

Wife comes down the steps, says, "You're going to think I'm crazy" and disappears into the bathroom.  Ok, I'll play...

• Billions of Bluetooth-enabled devices are vulnerable to attacks across all operating systems. Google and Microsoft have released patches. I got a linux patch already. iOS before 10 is affected. Samsung smart watches, Smart TVs, and refrigerators also... This is Serious Stuff<tm>, people. Best practice is to keep Bluetooth turned off except when you must have it. Antivirus systems are unlikely to catch it. The beauty of this is that it shows us how unprotected we are and how manufacturers are unprepared to patch all their devices. The only positive here is that Bluetooth has a limited range, so it's more difficult to exploit.  Bother your vendors for a patch now.

Over in Afghanistan, three people died as a result of a suicide bomb blast in a cricket stadium. I told you sports are dangerous.

• The entitled are out again, this time demanding statues of people they don't like be taken down. And localities are acquiescing.
• My Demands:
• Being left-handed, I demand all statues of right-handed people be taken down. And that we get proper desk chairs in schools.
• I am also entitled to have statues taken down because I never got a statue taken down and others have.
• I want the Rocky Statue taken down because it's stupid and it's Philly's idea of culture.

Whither Kaprinsky: Kaspersky Antivirus (Kaprinsky or Kasper Sky, according to the Great Minds at my former employer) is up against the wall these days. The government has been ordered to replace it within ninety days because of alleged connections between Kaspersky and the FSB (formerly KGB). While no definitive connection has been established, the fear is that the FSB can request/compel them to provide data on systems 'protected' by it. Kaspersky has been given the opportunity to address the issues.

My natural inclination is to hold the phone until a connection is proven, but in the interests of safety, maybe this is a wise decision. Antivirus has privileged access to your files and operating system, so it would be a good way to obtain (or leave) data or programs. On the other hand, hackers are no doubt already in government (and other) systems. Having worked with quite a number of antivirii on a corporate level, I can safely say the all suck, in terms of deployment and operation. Best Buy will not be carrying it either.

• The new iDevice includes facial recognition, although I'm told it didn't work during the Big Announcement. While The Authorities may have trouble guessing your PIN, holding the phone up to your face is certainly convenient. Rest assured the law will be convoluted to make this work. It requires eyes to be open, so it will be more difficult to use on a dead body (make with that what you will). There is also a panic disable, which requires pressing a switch five times, that will disallow facial recognition unlock. There are other legal complexities around being compelled to give your fingerprint but not your PIN.
• This latest exercise in Apple Excess can be yours for the low low price of $1,000. Start lining up around the block, drooling, wide-eyed, wallet extended, to get yours now! We used to think $150 sneakers were ridiculously expensive.
• One of the latest flagship android phones is expected to hit $1,000 also, bringing up some questions... What the hell do you get for a grand that you didn't get for half that price (or less) on your current phone? 
• You'll certainly get a better camera, but I have not a qualm about my two year old phone's camera - the pictures are wonderful. One device has two cameras with different focuses.
• A faster processor: this would certainly be an incentive, although mine is pretty snappy.
• Better battery life: I hope. This is a huge one for most of us. Removable is a good feature too, so you can keep one charged as a spare. It's a shame you have to.
• Bigger and/or Prettier screen: some people aren't happy with the size of their screen (or much else)... larger or smaller. New layouts, for people who don't use their own launchers (Nova Launcher recommended-free).
• Facial recognition: if I didn't use eyeball tracking, imagine my thrill with facial recognition. Hint: it's probably in use on your driver's license.
• Sleek new case: please.
• Is it worth that price tag for the Latest and Greatest? I say no. In fact, if you wait a few months, there will be bigger and better, or you can purchase a gently used version at a considerable discount.

The most recent episode of South Park set off Google Home and Alexa devices. Go Matt and Trey!




As usual, I was minding my own business online, when things ground to a total halt. No amount of rebooting and troubleshooting turned up a cause. My cable modem indicated everything was fine. In situations like this, I love nothing more than interacting with Comcast (or most anyone else).

The automated service told me that my issue had nothing to do with any outages and actually sent me to a human, after a commercial for the NFL. Let's forget for a moment that I can't stand sports and concentrate on the obvious importance of an NFL commercial that you cannot bypass, while waiting to repair your internet service. The attempt to reset my modem had failed, then tried again and succeded. This was not particularly effective, as the modem did not indicate it was doing anything other than failing to go online, but they told me to wait ten minutes.

Ten minutes later, with no progress at all, I called again. This time the automated voice told me there was an outage in my area and expected restore time was four hours. So messing around with the modem earlier was a total waste of time.

Do you know the sheer hell visited upon you by being without internet for four hours? I'd rather go to the dentist than be sans internet for four hours. Fortunately my cell phone had lots of data, so I could tether my computer to it. Unfortunately, no matter what I tried, I could not get the computer hooked up to the phone. Connecting with a cable failed miserably, as did every single option I tried inside the phone. There is an actual button for wifi hotspot, that failed immediately, as did everything else.

Ever try using all your apps from a huge display on a cell phone? It worked, but not in a particularly useful way. Good thing I had many other things to do (that had absolutely nothing to do with porn).

Upon calling Comcast again, I was shocked beyond belief to speak to an Indian service representative (no I wasn't), but at least this lady spoke really good English and wasn't reading off a script. After re-rebooting the modem, it clearly showed there was an error. Mrs Service helpfully suggested that someone return the modem to Comcast and get a new one.

Because I'm that kind of guy, I had an upgraded modem, which seemed to surprise my rep, as she kept trying to get me to bring the defective modem back. After a bit of reiterating, I finally got her to accept my solution. I had to give her the new modem's MAC address.

At about this point, I discovered that I had a modem but not a manual, power supply, and whatever else came with the device. Mind you, I had the box it came in. This modem has been sitting around for a few weeks, migrating from this spot to the other, but always together. Not now, of course. Stuff just happens in my house. This was followed immediately by screaming. Unfortunately, screaming had to be modified, as I was doing it right into the phone.

One thing I note as I get older is that I cannot read small print. I used to be able to read things written on a grain of rice. Now I need Serious Magnification to read six point type. It's even more difficult after 12am, with very little light in the house.

Having solved the MAC issue, the rep told me to plug the device in, then started asking me questions about my router. Lady, if I had router issues, that would be my problem, not yours. If you get my modem set up and get signal to it, I'll handle any issues post-modem.

Apparently simply hooking a modem up and repeating a MAC address four times is not sufficient to restore internet service. There are things called hooks, put in somewhere to allow the original modem to work, and these need to be removed. Hooks.... somewhere at Comcast, there are a number of fish hanging on a line, each with a hook. They had to remove the fish and the hook so they could hang different kinds of fish, corresponding with my new modem. This is all because the old modem was brown and the new modem white.

Twenty minutes later, the helpful service rep sent what's technically known as The Magic Bullet to my modem, making the lights go all blinky and restoring service. Halleleujah! Only five hours to a solution.

Our Next Long-Term National Nightmare...

Let me start off with some bright news: healthcare breaches hit an all time high in 2016. At five months into 2017, would you care to guess which way that trend is heading? From my memories of working in healthcare, we're pretty much screwed.

• As I type, there is a noise like a 100 pound bee coming from another floor. It has depth like no other. A quick search of archival memory brings back last year, when the wife told me this noise was spooking her and the dog (back when the dog could hear). A window is open, apparently creating currents of air so strong that it's playing songs with the miniblinds, like some sort of gargantuan kazoo. In addition to normal human laziness, I'm typing and don't want to be bothered with the alleged musical instrument, but it's so loud even the mostly deaf Marshall can hear it.
• I've mentioned trash before too. It's less immense for me than mowing but still annoying. I'm a big boy, though... I don't have to be reminded constantly. The Crazy Lady next door found out that cans can't be put out til 7:30 the previous evening, so she stands out there with her atomic time standard and her clipboard, waiting to POUNCE on getting those babies to the curb by 7:31. And after they're collected, they're put back precisely where they came from and ready for next week's assault before the truck is two houses down.
• Speaking of trucks, I've worked out that there are three very loud trucks that come to collect cans, every trash day. I know this because when I'm off work, each one of them wakes all the dead at the cemetary a few blocks down. After further thought, and further leaping out of bed, screaming, I realized there are not three, but six trucks in the morning, as they take care of the other side of the street.
• Just to make matters more amusing, someone is having yardwork or something done, necessitating very loud construction gear. Very loud construction gear. It might be tree-related, which means it's only a matter of time until the Industrial Tree Chipper comes into play, like a mighty present buzzsaw, with loud spikes.  A coworker often tells me about her h fantasy of putting her ex into one of these, so I know it can be done.
• Oh wait - correction... the loud noises also have something to do with stones. A humongous pile of them got dropped in the drive, and the time since has been spent shoveling them. Ever hear Repeated Stone Shoveling? It's American Water Torture.
• This might come as a surprise to you, but I'm off work today. As I type, I can hear the kazoos, with their swan song. As God is my witness, I will stop this minor annoyance!

If you're an IBM or Lenovo Storwize customer, IBM wants you to locate that flash drive they sent you and feed it to the cat. Apparently it has malware on it. Oopsie.

• A pair of Pennsylvania medical clinics have reported a 'privacy incident'. They determined that in March, a person "could potentially have accessed" data on their systems. There is no evidence that they did.   Let's dance, shall we?

If you feel your android phone needs optimizing, do not install Full Optimizer or Full Optimizer Lite from Google Play - they're full of malware and only show ads. Your phone really doesn't need optimizing. Install Android Assistant to clean it up weekly (among its other talents) and Malwarebytes to run scans for junk.

• In the latest set of public excuses as to why she lost, Hillary Clinton blames the FBI letter and "Russian WikiLeaks".  Somebody should explain to her that the election was over in November and she lost.  Even after the George W Bush Hanging Chad Miami Fiasco, the crying didn't go on this long. You'd think simply having Chelsea omnipresent in the news would be enough for her. Someone has to take over...

Some poor fella was just struck by lightning. He's alive, in the hospital, and has a rather ugly red mark from neck to below his waist. He also has another lasting trophy: a permanent erection.  In unrelated news, there is a line of nurses outside his door, stretching back to the front of the hospital. An anonymous female charity group has paid off his hospital bill, and doctors have advised him that if his erection lasts longer than 4 days, to call a dating service and have them show up at hourly intervals.

• At a fast food expo in the Netherlands, two Dutch pranksters served McDonald's food, cut into pieces and skewered with toothpicks, and then told attendees that that they were eating an organic product. Participants described the taste of the samples as being very rich, and very pure. the link goes to a YouTube video in Dutch, but subtitled. One day, I want to pull off something on this level.

On this day in 1991, Texas governor Ann Richards declared ZZ Top day.

• Remember in the last post I reported that the NSA is suspending collection of US data because it referenced a foreign target?  Check out this article on how they collected data on 151m Americans.

Yes, I could've written this, but no, I didn't. A female UCLA student and member of MENSA has developed an IQ of 220 after drinking sperm for a year. Her original IQ was 154 and she was already a MENSA member.

The article details her decision to go with this method. Her new IQ makes her smarter than Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawking, and Leonardo DiVinci. Also listed are some benefits of sperm ingestion.

You have to know I didn't let this news go to waste, alerting Mrs. lefty, who promptly told me to "get chugging." Witty as this was, I was forced to remind her that my IQ is several points ahead of hers.

You can tell neither of us belongs to MENSA because there is a regulation that you tell people you're in MENSA within five minutes of meeting them (similar to the Vegan Rule).

Judging by the story on Yoko Ono admitting to a lesbian affair with Hillary Clinton, this 'newspaper' is probably more of an entertainment source than pure news. The story above on the lightning strike came from the same source.

• One of our charities is Oldies But Goodies. It's a Virginia-based non-profit that finds homes for old cockers.  We're on their mailing list, having donated and because we're stupid enough to keep reading their emails (which would make Sarah McLachlin shoot herself). The latest is about Snoopy, who's 12. His owner died and family members took him to a vet to be put down. The vet refused, saying Snoopy had much life left in him. So the relatives dumped him at a shelter.
• Not. Human.

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I don't like to mow the lawn.
You might remember this from paragraphs to entire blog posts, ranting on this topic. In fact, there are an awful lot of activities I prefer to mowing:

• chewing razorblades
• dating dead people
• eating stinky cheese in a pit of fire
• a quiet weekend with my cannibal in-laws

My wife, dear smart woman that she is, figured out I don't like mowing (after ten years of forcing me to do it at gunpoint) and went in search of a solution. We can't afford a service and don't really have a lot of grass.

My nemesis in life, the mower, is seriously a great piece of hardware. And when I say great, I mean the engine still runs after ten years. Almost out of the box, the throttle cable broke. I purchased a replacement, which of course did not work at all, even after I did a remarkable job of attaching the cable to the handle. So I had to devise a custom rig that would keep the throttle open enough to run the bastard. This involved a pair of locking pliers and a foot of wire. Also about 30 minutes of screaming per effort. Suffice it to say the neighbors, even the very old ones, learned some interesting new vocabulary words.

Don't let my technical words and inventive solution fool you - I should not be allowed near a mower (or under the hood of a car). My solution was somewhat less than optimal, in that it lasted for less time than I needed to complete the mowing, resulting in a second case of interesting verbal output.

I am mortally terrified of going to the dentist. Even though I can generally allow him to work on my mouth, the other 2/3 of my body keeps trying to escape. I would gladly spend some quality time in his chair than mow. It's ridiculous and illogical but it's reality.

Alas, the seasons took their effect on the mower: the engine started every year, but the body got cancer and I'm afraid it won't support the engine much longer.

Just the other day I was advised that a box would be appearing. Boxes appear at my house all the time.  I gave up on asking years ago, as the answer would only frustrate me. Just the other day an outdoor gazebo/tent thingie appeared. No one knows why but I thought I caught a glimpse of the dog with a sly grin on his face.

The box arrived shortly thereafter. It was a new mower. I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or give it back to the poor driver. I was 'urged' to put it together, as that's generally the safest task, as opposed to me actually using the device. It was battery-operated, with a cute battery that looked like a car battery that was left in a dryer and shrunk to 1/3 normal size. It was also considerable more narrow than any mower I have ever seen, generating complaints because I'd have to mow more rows. After getting halfway done, I realized the instructions, which made Ikea instructions look like fine literature, failed to mention that the handle needed to be attached in only one direction. And look at me - I was cursing before even running the little bastard for the first time.

Once again the wife outsmarted me. She hired a neighbor's kid to use the new Infernal Device. He was thrilled to get paid for what he has to do at home for free and eagerly took the job. In fact, he just got done.

I have never been happier in my life.

I guess it's time to start using my dental insurance now.

Here Comes the Noise Again

I like to tell people we live in a nice, quiet neighborhood, right up until we moved in, but that's not correct. We're pretty quiet too, surprisingly. We only have odd bursts of noise, like the TRASH TRUCKS. There are three of them, plus both sides of the street, so we get treated to six trucks stopping at every house, with all the noise involved, up and down the block, for as long as we can hear them. Plus the lady who blows her #*@&ing horn at 7:05 every morning for no known reason, perhaps rudely picking up some brat or other. And the mailman, who Marshall used to bark at. Marshall's getting older and isn't always aware that his mortal enemy is coming up the steps, but once a day or so, Marshall sits on his own steps and barks at someone or something I can't see.

I love Marshall but...

Speaking of trash, if you care to look, you can tell which neighbors are retired or not working by their Trash Patterns.  What are Trash Patterns, you ask?? Glad you asked. Trash Patterns are when they put the trash cans to the curb and when they move them back to the house.

It is said that good neighbors take care of each other but this was never more apparent than when my wife started to let loose that she knew an awful lot about the comings and goings of the neighbors. The guy across the street must be sick, because he goes to work every morning at 7:17 and his car has been in his garage all week. Next door usually goes to church every morning but hasn't the past two days - I hope she's ok. There's a Monty Python sketch about this (there's a Monty Python sketch about everything, as it should be), with two women running the equivalent of the early 1970's NSA in their apartment, one reporting what she sees and the other bringing it up on one of their monitors. My wife needs no monitors.. she can tell everything from sitting on the step or just looking out the window. She also catalogs the dogs that walk by and sometimes their owners. It's weird but consistent that people always remember the names of the dog but not always their owner.  "Hey, remember Max's mom? She's having surgery this week. I forget her name."

Let me wander back to Trash Patterns. The Crazy Lady, who recently celebrated her 439th birthday, puts her trash out the night before collection. My wife can tell you what time, but no doubt it's militarily consistent. In the span between 6.7 and 9.6 minutes after the trash trucks have left, The Crazy Lady emerges from her hole and drags each humongous can back to the safety of her Can Spot. I know she has a Can Spot but dare not make a note of where. Then there's the old retired dude across the street, who in spring and summer camps out on his lawn with coffee and a lounger, waiting for the trucks to come. As soon as they've driven down the street, he marches out, also with military precision, and puts them perfectly back in their place, because everything has a place to ensure Order. This dude either needs a hobby or is desperate to get away from his wife, thus turning trash into a multi-hour escapade, after which he goes back inside and cleans off his hand tools, that haven't been used since the last time he cleaned them.

But I digress. Always.

• The doctor asked me if I have any trouble sleeping. NOPE. Sleeping is something I'm very good at. No problem there, Doc.

Yahoo announced another breach. This is in addition to the last breach they announced. Just in case, change any Yahoo passwords you have. Better yet, close them. Yahoo needs to get their act together, perhaps starting with some heads rolling.

• In Merry Olde England, a Coca Cola delivery to a theater was canceled after a huge brawl. The truck (lorry in England) pulled up to the theater to deliver his soda and parked. A traffic warden objected to the parking location and let the driver know. The driver protested that he had all his paperwork. The warden said there would be no room for emergency vehicles, at which point the driver let him know that there was enough space on either side of the truck to park a small army. The warden was not impressed and started 'waving a finger with intent to scorn.' I love that phrase. The violence in the waving and scorning is most apparent. After this, the warden's hat was knocked off.
• For some reason known only to the warden, the warden began throwing cans of soda out of the lorry. Within minutes, more wardens arrived. Glass started breaking. Four riot vans arrived. All in all, fourteen people were involved in The Great Soda Riot of 2016. Presumably it was difficult to purchase soda at the theater ($7.95 each) and the had to settle for tea ($6.95).

Continuing our International Flair, the Chileans are in an uproar because a Cabinet minister received a blowup doll as a present. I truly wish this was the United States' biggest issue. Blowup dolls for everyone!

• Police in Mt Laurel, NJ, received a call about four suspicious donkeys behind a house. Apparently this was not a common sight, as the non-specific donkeys don't get reported.

Just in time for Christmas, a Tacoma, WA, elementary school's satan club opened. Naturally there were protests. The best quote from the protesters was, 

“These 5-year-old children are very impressionable; if you have an adult come in and talk about Satan, they’re going to be harmed by that."  

Make no mistake, the First Amendment states that this is a no-no. Period. But some judges decide on a 'compromise,' where all religions are allowed to participate. Lately this pattern ends right after the satanists put on their display. At this point, the Christians decide to tear the satanists' display down when nobody's looking and then reconsider their standpoint on anybody doing this on government grounds.

Hillary

huntin. Yes, women all over the neighborhood are going into the woods, hopeful for a Hillary sighting. Unconfirmed rumors state that the RNC is raising funds to lay bear traps. Here's Freddy, the largest dog in the world. The Great Dane stands 7'1" on his rear paws, which is a really silly way to measure a dog. Aside from being tall, Freddy also went through 23 couches. Although Guinness certifies Freddy as the largest dog, there is no word on whether he has the record for Couch Destruction.

Today's information breach occurred at PayAsUGym, further proving there's absolutely no value to exercise and in most cases, it's dangerous. 300,000 accounts were affected.

Academics at Oxford University are being offered therapy in case they've been disturbed by their research. Perhaps it's time to wall off a section of the blog, to be called The Snowflake Report.

• For those of you considering a vacation this holiday season, here's a bit of text from an FAA.gov summary: Please reboot your Boeing 787 at most, every 21 days. Otherwise it might reboot while in flight. Do not run your plane on Windows.

God is Going to Get You - if I Don't First

Hey you. YOU. You with the cell phone.
Yeah, I'm talking to you.
You probably didn't hear me over that infernal device.

I don't know if you're deaf, inconsiderate, or just stupid. Your phone makes noise. Lots of noises. And you've got it turned up so dead people in the next county can hear it.

Your phone sits there, blooping. You're either too ignorant or unimaginative so you're using the stock phone settings. One of them makes a water drop noise whenever you do something. Or whenever you don't do something. Then you walk away, leaving your phone within earshot of everyone around you. And it bleeps and bloops. And drips, like a modern version of the Chinese Water Torture.

And sometimes it rings for five minutes while you're away, aggravating all of humanity. We've discovered one sure way to stop the noise: putting your phone in the toilet. This works every time without fail. If you don't silence the small, flat, loud piece of gee-whiz technology, we will silence it for you. Then we will put you in the toilet, for good measure.

--------------
My wife has some of these lovely tendencies. Her phone is well-known for having short battery life. Of course it has short battery life, it makes a noise for each keypress. When I pointed out that removing the noise (and vibration) will lenghten the battery life, she got this look of horror on her face and continues to charge it several times each day. Meanwhile I sit there, relaxing on the couch after a hard day slaving over a hot flat-screen monitor, when the phone goes off with all the volume of five guitar amps blasting away while falling down two flights of steps. Once I get myself down from the ceiling, I scream, "TURN THAT @&#$ING THING DOWN!"

"But I need to hear it," she whines.

"There are people at the end of the next block who know whenever you get a call. Air raid sirens stop in embarrassment. Entire factories cease production. Bombing in Syria grinds to a halt," I helpfully inform her.

No reaction. Then she goes for a nap, leaving the phone on the table, near me. I wonder if this is what they mean by passive/aggressive.
++++++++++++++++++++++

In related news, we all know how I feel about Microsoft. But I will come out of the closet today and let you know that I actually use their products: the ergonomic keyboard and their stock mouse. Along with their software going to hell, the letters are coming off the keyboard shortly after I start using it. I am forced to use my wife's clear nail polish to retain what little lettering I have left. I have no As or Ls anymore, which may explain the decline in the quality of posts lately.

That is all.