Thanksgiving in May

Your love is like carpenter bees

Wawa Free Coffee Tuesday - because you made it through Monday.

Wawa is a Philly-area convenience store that is incredibly well stocked. Except for the coffee. They have 8 kinds of it, but if you serve 8 kinds of dirt, each one is still dirt. I like coffee that will take the skin off your fingers, which this definitely isn't. But let me say something nice: they want some of that sweet money from coffee drinks, and these are really good. And the strawberry smoothies are really sweet.

Guitar Center misses me. Truly. To show me, they send me emails. Many emails. The first one said they missed me - the honest approach. Next day said they missed me so much, they were offering me 15% off (purchases over $27,300). The next few days, they said they noticed I hadn't used my coupon yet. I have received more emails from psychotic ex-girlfriends. Then the email came from the store's manager, who wanted to let me know I now had 23.7% off. The next day, the manager wanted to know if the coupon wasn't good enough. It gave me his cell phone number and asked me to call him. 2 days later I got a weepy email, inviting me to his house to "talk about it - just talk." I'm just putting this out into the public. If I see a Guitar Center van out front, I'm calling SWAT.

Idiot Mayor or Idiot Governor is at it again. New restrictions are to be announced Monday. New Jersey banned outside bar seating. This is perfect for the Biden administration: mandate, don't inform or ask.

Today I identify as dog hair, all over your clothes

We have a Woodpecker. Once a year, the little *%&#er pops by and makes an ungodly amount of noise. Before getting out my ACME double barrel shotgun, I took video. It was very difficult to find him because he looked nothing like the cartoon. He didn't even say "BEEP BEEP". Perhaps he's a hybrid...

A CDC Thanksgiving 

The CDC (Clueless Diligence Committee) has released its rules for the holidays. They're completely different from last week's recommendations, which we've come to expect from the worldwide organization that can't get the current weather right. Rather than listing all the rules, let's look into Christmas at the CDC

Mommy, why do we have a huge table but only you and me are sitting at it.

That's because we're social distancing by 120 miles.

But Mommy, I want some turkey. How do you get it through the video screen?

That's at Uncle Bob's house. We have McDonald's McTurkey.

Mom, how can we eat with masks on?

We're losing a lot of weight this holiday season.

Why do people sprint around with pizza at Aunt Florida's house? 

Their Thanksgiving Pizza gets a lot of exercise because they're social distancing, so they have to run it next door, instead of passing it down the table.

Mommy.. what are those little baskets by everybody's plates?

They're for silverware - everybody brought their own.

They sure are drinking a lot.

Kills germs.

Awwww... I'm tellin...  Susie has more than 10 people at her house. Call the Hotline!

I don't remember you being such a pain in the ass at Thanksgiving.

Look.. some doctor in France said we should cancel the holidays. President Trump said no masks. President Biden said masks by law. What do we do?

We're the CDC, Honey. We said masks at some point in the beginning, then no masks, then masks again a few times. We need to drink our own Kool Aid.

There's Kool Aid? Mommy Mommy I want Kool Aid!

You can't have any, it's with the turkey that won't fit through the screen.

Isn't Thanksgiving a time to be together with your family and be thankful for what you have?

That's the old Thanksgiving. This year we don't have to bother with family and we can be thankful for billions more in funding!

That's not what the teacher in virtual school said.

Your virtual teacher isn't the CDC, is she?

Yeah, but when she says words, they always mean the same thing.

Johnny, go to your *$(#ing room, down the street. And if you don't wear your mask in the shower, there will be no dessert.

Don't forget - your purchases are available for curbside pickup.

Is this one of those phrases stores use that make no sense? Guitar Center has curbside pickup. Ok, bring me a $5,000 Les Paul. No, I don't need to try it out first, I'm sure your knowledgeable and well-trained staff will bring me a good one

We order stuff online so it gets delivered to the house, not so we can go pick it up. Here's a 150 item list - can you get everything and bring it to the curb (please)? Just call 215-555-1234 if you have any questions... we'll be in the lot, quivering in fear of the Flying AIDS, with our masks on, in the car. We're the same people who have sex with our masks on - you can never be too careful. Just kidding - we don't have sex. You never know where those parts have been and you can't get past a vaginal mask anyway.

Who does this benefit? I guess if you need a printer or ink refill THAT MOMENT, but you'll experience great disappointment if you go Best Buy. You order it online, go to pick it up curbside, and the employee will tell you that it's not a stock item, so you have to stay parked there for 3 weeks.

Plus you need to admit that you actually like going into Target and shopping for nothing, and leaving with $150 of nothing. You just can't do that curbside. I've got it - I have the future of shopping(!) - get ready.. Personal Shopping, the way nobody has ever seen it. You video call the store. A Helpful Sales Associate smiles and introduces herself. She has a camera on her head and goes up and down every aisle, showing you everything you like. Virtual Shopping! No Flying AIDS and you 'get out of the house'. Of course the cookies are $199.95 because they have to staff the place, but some people will pay for anything.

If you have OCD and are a germphobe, I guess curbside might help: there are 2 less pairs of hands touching your beef than if you were inside the store. You want as few hands touching your meat as possible. Jeff Bezos (Amazon) will send you anything you want, and a few things you didn't know were available, next day shipping - why do you need curbside?

Forget I said all that - support your local businesses.

Dear lefty 

• Why do you do this.... this.... stuff..?
• Oh, absolutely the women and the money 

Trump supporters did a largely peaceful march around D.C. Largely peaceful, until the other side showed up, sparking violence, arrests, and police intervention to keep the children apart. This puts the opposition in 1 of 2 classes: blithering idiots, or organized. If I were on the winning side of an issue and the losing side held a rally, I'd sleep in... my side already won - what's the point?

Local news featured a local restaurant. The owner says, "We are a Christian-based restaurant; everybody knows the love of Christ through our food." The news should do an investigation on this - does everybody know the love of Christ through their food, or are some locals faking it?

TV Stuff

There's a Fresh Prince of BelAir reunion on the way. 30 years in the making. I feel weepy.

Devastated by the death of Alex Trebek, several days later, Jeopardy fans have petitioned, 30k strong, for LeVar Burton to be the next host. You can't say the fans don't respect their departed host. Is this what they call Internet Time? 

An appeal from ThermionicEmissions

Look around and notice the good things, big or small. If you haven't been radically affected by the Flying AIDS, do a bit to help those who were. If it was your job or your business, you could use a bit of help. Your area probably has no shortage of charities that sprung up, or an SPCA, a church, something in your neighborhood. If you can, and if you think it's the right thing to do...

We're going through our neighbor, the Church Lady, because bad things tend to happen when I walk inside a church. Or Apple store.

I don't know if BLM or Antifa is watching, but something is up with Football. To date, the NFL has bent over for everything, but I think some individualism is starting to creep through. After a play, 2 guys touched arms together, then put their hands on their mustaches. Not only is this unhygienic, it could be some sort of fascist or white supremacist sign. This must be looked into immediately. No sign of joy must be allowed to creep into football. Maybe the ADL will claim the invisible mustache is only 1" wide, like Hitler's.

I Was There When We Met

It was inevitable that I cursed thanked my fellow Americans for voting in 1 of the 2 thieves. You have caused taxes to go up. You have voted against your own wallet. And mine, unfortunately. 

Your love is like another brand new Star Wars sequel!

 

Welcome to The Invalids - a new sitcom featuring the leftys.

Mrs lefty's back has been known to take vacations: this time it's really out. The entire family is aghast, as no one has ever seen her sit still for more than 4 seconds at one time. The other day she was on the couch for 3 minutes: we checked for a pulse.

lefty's ear is still having a hissy. The doctor suggested starting slowly, with hydrogen peroxide. My understanding is that this will bleach all the tiny ear hairs blonde. So now there's hissing with tiny blonde ear hairs. We tried other things like more peroxide, YooHoo, and drain cleaner, all with no change.  The worst thing is that nobody will ever see my new blonde tiny ear hairs. Except the doctor, and if you've ever seen his scrubs, it really doesn't matter.

The doctor's office inspired confidence, 'fitting me in' within a week or 2. I nudged them ever so slightly, exercising my Tiny Medical Knowledge, and asking if maybe it might be prudent to see me sooner, given it's a semi-important bodily function: my hearing. If it were my heart, I'd wait. To put a point on my medical argument, I explained to the very nice lady that it was nigh impossible for me to procure that thing.. the Ear-O-Scope, and look in my own ear. That argument won her over. 

I am not checking Butt Stuff.

Today I identify as  fish

• Republicans: you better get started early... get out your hashtags #NotMyPresident and #Resistance and #Impeach. You'll need something derogatory, so call him President Huh? 

RIP Alex Trebek - said he wanted to be remembered as a nice guy. No problem, eh? 

• New nasal spray prevents Flying AIDS infection in ferrets
• How do they get them to snort it? 

As the White House gets ready for its next inhabitant, things are expected to change:

• furniture moved far away from other furniture to avoid tripping injuries
• kitchen restocking with applesauce and Aricept
• Secret Service order to keep the president away from microphones and anything with a vagina
• quick shortcut from vice presidential bedroom to presidential bedroom, in case of midnight promotion
• rubber bedsheets
• condom and rubber glove dispenser... just in case Joe gets loose..
• defund the Secret Service and take away their guns
• I've fallen and I can't get up button for Joe

Dear lefty  

• I didn't vote for the person who became president. What do I do?
• if the past 4 years were any indication, scream, obstruct, whine annoyingly, and start impeachment proceedings

It took quite a long time, but I finally saw a video with Queen and Adam Lambert. Freddie Mercury saw it years ago: he looked down from heaven and said, "Nope. Too gay."

How do you opine on someone replacing one of the finest frontmen in rock? There's no question that Lambert is a fine singer - hitting all the notes. But he's not Freddie.  --> Oops.

Hence my problem.

He just doesn't do anything for me. Like another rock and roll great - Paul Rogers with Queen.

• a speedboat, upside down, on fire, on the highway. Who's going to tell the boat owner it doesn't work on land? Still -that's some class-A gawking there.

Portland, Maine has voted to each get $100 when cops, govt officials illegally spy on them with facial-rec AI, minimum $1,000.

This is the beginning of a great idea. Unfortunately, Portland is displaying its ignorance of government: government doesn't have money: it's taken from you. So every $1,000 fine comes from the taxpayers. Let's jigger things around for greatest effect: a $100 fine to come from the mayor's salary, minimum $1,000. I can guarantee Portland that civil rights will become the mayor's highest priority.

In related news, San Diego voted down this type of surveillance too. Unfortunately there's no switch to turn it off: the company shut off the feed to government. 

Why Germans love getting naked in public.

To see other naked Germans? 

The rift between the royal family and Prince Harry grows.

What hope is there for us when even the reptilians can't get along? 

While viewing an apartment at a famed Hollywood building, a person leaped to their death.

Great - now the stress of showing a terribly exclusive apartment isn't enough... now the agent has to watch for jumpers...

And here is the lovely kitchen, with all modern appliances... no, Sir, the gas is not hooked up yet and there are no sharp knives. We have a world class balcony, which is locked for your safety, and you can't get at it until you sign the lease. You can choose between 2 and 3 bedroom apartments.. Sir, please stay away from the window. All trash goes down the refuse chute, which isn't wide enough to accommodate a human body. Your neighbors would be Elton John and Sandra Bullock, neither of whom will shoot you. Elton said blowing poison darts is out but blowing other things might be arranged. The entire apartment is bomb-proof and fitted with extra-strength sprinklers, in case of mysterious fire. The floor calls police when it senses blood and the Amazon Spy System knows when you're stumbling over your words and shares video with the local police. You're all covered for when you accidentally take 27 sleeping pills instead of 1.. please stay away from the picture window, Sir... and no, there are no medicines left over from the former resident... The ceiling is smooth as can be; no way of tying a rope up there. Sir, may I respectfully suggest this building might not be for you? Please stay away from the windows..

SJW During Flying AIDS

CBS pledges Survivor, Big Brother casts will now be 50% people of color

..as will winners 

Lighthouses Don't Fly

The above is an answer to people who say the Rendlesham ufo incident was just people seeing a lighthouse. This is per someone involved.



New York City is considering its own digital currency.
Unfortunately your purchases will be limited to $16 because $32 is too much to spend and the local government wants to protect you from it.



Speaking of Rendlesham, I just heard (KGRA) a show called Phenomenon Radio. John Burroughs was one of the military people who went outside the base and saw the UFO, 2 nights in a row, in December 1980.

Right after the sighting, he was diagnosed with health problems (atrial fibrillation, mitral valve prolapse, cataract). He got sick and was fixed to some degree. Years later, he got sick again, with congestive heart failure. The doctor was confused about what was happening and said it would be helpful to see his medical records from the Air Force.

When they tried to get the records from the VA, they were told no - the records were classified. They could have the records from before and after Rendlesham, but not during.

Burroughs went to his senator, John Kyle, to help get the records. He was told that Burroughs was not in the Air Force during those years. The VA lied to a senator. Burrows has paperwork and pay records for the time he 'wasn't in the Air Force.' (DD214 form, which the Air Force tried to alter).

Burrows went to long time senator John McCain, whose office did a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request for the records. It went unanswered. They could not get any information to show he was in the Air Force at that time.

Some information was released; enough to allow John to get surgery.
Burrows called the VA and was told he was being lied to - there was plenty of paperwork on him being in the Air Force during those years.

Burroughs' lawyer said he wasn't going to take the case because it looked like the VA was going to settle with him. Cheryl Bennett, of McCain's office, continued to fight, providing all sorts of documentation that he was injured at Rendlesham, during a ufo sighting. The records were finally sent to McCain's office, admitting that he was in the Air Force at that time.

Eventually the VA admitted he was at Rendlesham, and that the health issues were caused by exposure to a UFO.  Burroughs was given full medical disability.

DISCLOSURE! The government just acknowledged the presence of UFOs.

• I don't know what to do, but I need to not get it done in a hurry.

All this nonsense about the Royal Family has produced some openings.
I was offered a spot and I get to choose my title.
I'm going with what everybody calls me anyway: Royal Asshole

• I think the president unilaterally deciding to surgically bomb Iran was a good thing. By doing this, he drastically reduced the number of assholes involved in the decision.

Charmin has a 'pooptime robot' that will bring you a new toilet paper roll.
The next version will make a reservation for a seat, set your phone to Do Not Disturb, and warm the seat for you.


No way the cops are using SiriusXM to find criminals.
They're using SiriusXM Guardian.
This On-Star-like service tracks you and can give your info to police.
Rip this shit out of your car, along with any other connected feature.


Apple's scanning iCloud photos for child abuse images.
Yay - fighting child abuse is great!
Uh-oh.. Apple is looking at your pictures. Child abuse now. What's next?
Get yer frickin pictures out of iCloud. Look for a non-cloud solution, or something encrypted that the host can't see.


Google voice assistant acquires an 'undo' command.
Because you're upset that everything you say is listened to by Google, Google gives you an unrelated command to erase something you just said. So considerate and responsive.


Ring employees have been fired for 'improperly accessing Ring users' video data.'  Translated, this means they watched your videos. Note that this is not ONE employee.

[TOLD YOU SO graphic] 
Hey, I can see who's at my door!  
Wait - the police are endorsing these and want my video? 
Ring employees watch my video?



Alex Trebek has his farewell speech planned. There is no word on when he will give it. He's been fighting stage 4 pancreatic cancer since March 2019 and has shared the news with his fans.

Stop for a second and think about what it must be like, choosing to work under a death sentence.

“People all over America and abroad have decided they want to let me know now, while I'm alive, about the impact that I've been having on their existence," he said. 

This is your several-times-a-year reminder to appreciate and cherish the important people in your life. Resolve your differences, because you never know when you won't see them again. Tell people you appreciate them and what they do.



Cosmologists have no idea why the universe seems to be expanding more rapidly than expected.

They should've ask me: it's because the universe is in a hurry to get away from Earth.



A Pentagon official told Newsweek, off the record, than an Iranian anti-aircraft missile shot down the Ukranian 737-800 over Iran by mistake.

They thought it was a 737 MAX and didn't want it crashing into a school.

Speaking of which, the BBC quotes a worker as saying the plane was 'designed by clowns'

Internal emails from Boeing were released.
"Would you put your family on a Max simulator trained aircraft? I wouldn't."

Remember this next time you send email at work. Everything you type can be seen and can be released to the public.

I’m sick of hearing how we celebrities are in some kind of bubble and we don’t understand real life. When I’m out in public and people approach me, I’m always interested in what they have to say to my security detail.        - Pat Sajak

• I'm just not ready for this. "Ordinary Man" from Ozzy, featuring Elton John.
• Yes, anything is better than Cardi B, but still....

If you're still using Win 7 for some reason, this is what happens when support ends (1/14). Hint: there are other operating systems. Avoid Win 10 like the plague.





Dear lefty

• How is 2020 for you so far?
• Well, 18 days into it and nobody died, so I've got that going for me.

Today I identify as  an illegal incandescent bulb. I'm a outlaw.



Heroes of the Stupid

A state senator from Vermont introduced a new bill that would ban cellphone use by anyone under 21.  "Young people are too immature to use cellphones."
Don't stop at 21.


Army veteran has prosthetic legs repossessed after VA refuses to pay for them.
Who thought there would be negative press about this?


Not all queer people believe in astrology — and those who don't often feel alienated from the LGBTQ+ community at large. Read the author's name.