Just Pay a Separate Fee

The BBC has just put its site on TOR
I'm not sure why the BBC needed a TOR site; perhaps they don't want anybody to catch you reading it.

*TOR is where the 'dark web' is. It's much more difficult to hack into TOR, although the FBI has done it (for child porn and illegal substances). TOR helps avoid tracking by your ISP. You only need the TOR browser. No, you won't see any illegal sites unless you go looking for them.

Stay tuned for Google harvesting your medical information!



I would like to say hello and thank you to whoever in America sent 4537 of their friends here. It was probably a horrible glitch, but I'll take whatever I can get.



In an effort to be more inclusive and garner some positive press for once, Google has decided to allow their speaking devices to use different voices. I have suggestions:

• your nagging mother-in-law's voice
• your nagging spouse's voice
• the president - this will either inspire you or cause a heart attack
• British voice - it sounds like it's correct all the time, even when it's not
• Chinese voice - you can't understand it any better than tax returns
• Ebonics - it axe you way you wanna go, ho?
• Canadian voice - tells you where the nearest hockey game is, eh?
• Jewish voice - Oy vey, you vant to know where are the sales? Your mother, God bless her, should only know...
• Polish - park the car in the bathtub
• Wife - no, the other left

Dear lefty

• Who are some decent alternative presidential candidates?
• my cousin-in-law, who was autistic before it was popular

A new poll has found that a majority of Americans want to rewrite the First Amendment to "reflect the cultural norms of today" in order to stop "hate speech."

Another new poll, based upon the old new poll, has found that we are a nation of morons. Finish this sentence: If Ben Franklin heard this, he'd ................

• I'm shaking my head in disbelief and sadness: there are people against meritocracy (getting the job and advancing based upon your good work). They claim it produces inequality, stifles social mobility(?) and makes even the winners miserable.
• This is horrible parody and I wish it would stop.

Youth is wasted on the young.
When I think back, I regret that I didn't spend more time with people who are no longer around. People I can appreciate so much more, now that I'm an (alleged) adult. People whose wisdom is valuable.   Kids just don't know... I guess that's a good thing.




Today I identify as a dog bowl



We're trying to force life back to (ab)normal, after our loss. Today we took Mom to the mall. Life is always an adventure.. especially after I noticed there was no phone signal in the mall. While the ladies shopped, it became very important to text my friend to tell her there was a guinea pig in The Secret Lives of Pets 2. No signal. This seriously impacted my texting.

The movie itself wasn't as funny as the original, but isn't that always the case? The kids enjoyed it. It was the dog's first movie she actually watched.  It might have had something to do with all the dogs barking. She even stared when the cats meowed. She doesn't understand depth, so sometimes she runs around the back of the tv, looking for the dog or cat she just heard.

So we find ourselves shopping in a store with adult sleepwear in fantasy animal themes. You could put on this one-piece pajama and look like a unicorn. It wasn't enough that the kids wanted one - they insisted Mom get one too. Now the two of them can have a sleepover, dressed as unicorns. Like a small herd or something.

I have the only mother on earth who hasn't been to Starbucks in ten years or more. Even with a limited menu, it took 15 minutes to figure out what to get. Fortunately we had some help from one of the green-haired girls behind the counter. While waiting, we overheard a delightful conversation between Blue Hair and Pink Hair. Blue Hair's brother is apparently scoring with the girls big time, because they're giving him their scrunchies. At my last job, one of my coworkers would come into the office with someone's panties. You can decide for yourself which is the better trophy.

Then it got surreal.
I found myself, with wife and elderly mom, in Victoria's Secret. I know Victoria's Secret: how they get so many to pay so much for so little. The possibilities for being uncomfortable and hysterical were many. Mrs lefty is trying to draw out what kind of underwear Mom wants... they are different languages. Then the color selection started. My job was to hold everyone's drinks - a noble post.

At this time, a very cheerful Annoying Sales Person came by. She didn't take subtle hints like NO, WE'RE OK, WE'LL LET YOU KNOW IF WE NEED ANYTHING. She asked if we had any questions in the meantime. I pointed to the picture of their model Adriana Lima and asked if she was from Brazil. Judging by the look on her face, she had never heard that question before and she honestly didn't know. I had achieved my goal: she was walking away.

Color selection finished, it was time to wander around. Mrs lefty wanders like a pro, frequently using her power of Disappearance, flummoxing the rest of us. Mom needs to be monitored a bit, lest she leave her purse on a bra or wander out of the store. I was the caboose, charged with making sure Mom didn't get lost, while simultaneously trying to locate Mrs lefty. Normally I like being asked what I think of things in that store (by Mrs lefty, you bastards) but it just wasn't working. We thought everything was free, because we couldn't locate a checkout counter. It was cleverly hidden at the back of the store, where everything was dark and you couldn't see it from anywhere else in the store. The cashier was wearing a tape measure around her neck and I asked if she was required to wear it or did she use it. She described the things it could be used for, specifically measuring women for bras, which women sometimes never have done. I'm chuckling along because I'm well aware of this. I have to give the girl credit: she didn't even flinch when I told her I can correctly size breasts with a tape measure too. This is the kind of employee you want working at your business.

In the next store, Mom went into Panic Mode<tm> because she couldn't find her purse. I ran around to the places she was looking and we were relieved to find that Mrs lefty had her purse, for just this reason. Apparently I need to get out less.

Mom is having fun and it was well-deserved. We enjoyed it also, except when she'd answer a question we didn't ask, then laugh inappropriately.

On the way back, she asked if we would stop at the store to pick up some water, because she was almost out of it. Sure. Translated, this means 'you go in the store and get me some water.' I keep running into this attractive shopper... it occurred to me, by her smile, I should say a few words to her or something, but then I remembered Mrs lefty's strict No Dating Policy and walked away. The wife has absolutely no sense of humor. The sad irony is that I could never figure out when a woman was being receptive or hitting on me... the wife would point it out and I still didn't get it. Now that I can make most people laugh and occasionally pick up when a woman wants to talk, there's the No Dating Policy. I get no reward for learning and growth.

So I am in a foul mood because it's past my naptime and I'm greeted by another Cheerful Cashier. She told me it's service with a smile; she's smiling and now it's my turn. I looked at her and said, deadpan, "I am smiling." The people in line were laughing but the cashier was a little upset. We discussed the vagaries of customer service. My first job was 9 months of Retail Hell, at which I discovered that I never wanted to work in retail for as long as I lived. People weren't my strong suit. The cashier's former job was in public transportation, so being a cashier was a vacation.

When we got Mom home, I put the water away. It was a good thing we stopped for water -she only had six gallons left. So with ten gallons, she won't need any emergency trips for water for at least a day or two.


Meanwhile my phone is still not working. I am still not happy. I'm rebooting the phone as if it had Windows. Still nothing. Still not happy. After the past weeks, I don't have the reserves to fight with my phone, or for any negative news at all. At home I see it's still not working and am forced to do the first level repairs: screaming at it. This failed miserably. Second level is screaming in general, but not specifically at the phone. This also failed. Still napless, I was not in good form. Much technical testing later, I chance a look at my carrier's last text, which said my bill was due a week earlier. As a long term technical person, I immediately put one and one together, equaling three, and get further mad, realizing the bill wasn't paid. You're probably saying to yourself that I must be a real idiot to not pay my bill, but in actuality, it's Mrs lefty's fault. She says 'pay your bill' and I pay it. Since she never said 'pay your bill,' I never paid it, which is why it's her fault. I went to pay it by phone and the phone was still not working. Of course it wasn't. Even after I yelled at it further, and told it I was using the phone to pay my $*#@ing bill. Bloody hell, I'm Desperate and Phoneless. Getting on the computer, it won't let me log into their site.... bad password. I know the bleeding password by heart, plus I keep it in my password locker for this reason. Strangely, I paid the bill and the phone worked again. It was like a miracle.

• Agoraphobes have a much smaller carbon footprint: it's hard to use resources when you can't leave the house.

No thank you, I'd rather express my dog's anal glands





Heroes of the Stupid

A Florida man was arrested after being caught having sex with a stuffed "Olaf" toy inside Walmart.    Well.... was Olaf any better than Elsa? 

An Arkansas hunter died after the deer he shot attacked him.
That deer got 4 hunters last week.


SJW Sentences   (didja ever notice there are always many true SJW stories here?)

Clapping has been banned at Oxford University to stop people being triggered.

A California veterans hospital, visited by women dressed as WWII glamour girls, now wants to approve the outfits before allowing them to visit patients.   No good deed ever goes unpunished

Using proper grammar is a sign of 'white supremacy' says ASU professor.
As someone who spent time in Arizona, I can certify this fellow spent way too much time out in the 115 degree sun, in addition to being a professor.

Why there are no exorcisms in Russia

Horton Hears Voices

A Florida man was arrested after going on a multi-state crime spree, ending with him being found naked, inside a chicken coop in New York. This sounds like meth: discuss.



Dear lefty:

• If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
• The one down the block that has huge branches falling down randomly, because it's being eaten by some bug no one can identify.

We bid fond farewell to Dr. John (Mac Rebennak - 77) who passed from a heart attack. If you don't know who he is, you probably remember his hit "Right Place, Wrong Time." He was a very influential musician (piano and guitar, gruff vocals) and helped keep Louisiana on the musical map.

• Remember Ring Dings? The small round chocolate cake with white filling and chocolate covering? There's now a vanilla covering and white cake. Trust me on this, they're worth a try.
• You don't get this kind of information from normal blogs...

This week's imaginary reader participation exercise:

Moon landing: true or hoax?

• Ancient Jewish curse: may your in-laws be Joan Rivers, Rosie Perez, and Fran Drescher

My life would be even better if I never heard these words or phrases again:

• guac
• game changer
• no brainer
• imma
• easy peasy
• not tonight
• the best EVer
• your dog has cancer

Dear lefty:

• As a future Miss America, how will you make the world a better place?
• sue the Miss America pageant until they allow men
• fix everything for the children
• remove the stigma from having facial hair and wearing ball gowns
• eliminate abortion after birth
• legalize drugs - mandate them if necessary
• put an end to the scourge of doorbell-licking
• tube top Tuesdays!

Penny's Corner

The chemotherapy continues. Everyone is very happy with her progress and she might not need the final treatment - they're going to re-evaluate her. How does one re-evaluate chemo? Yes, the dog continues to not have cancer? Additionally, this might mean not having to take a third mortgage on the house.

The chemo has been no help whatsoever with her licking my pants and sofa cushions. Mrs lefty doesn't even lick my pants, why should the dog?

Penny loves spending time in her yard. Currently she's installing some large holes in the lawn. She's much more excited about installing holes than I am, but then again, everybody is more excited than I am.

• In a controversial decision, the BBC has decided to stop airing news. They discovered that some people were sad and others triggered by events in the news and the BBC apologises for any offence it might have caused. Instead, there will be a constant display of puppies, kitties, and shrubbery.

I've been to a total of two car shows, so I'm what you'd call very experienced and opinionated. Actually I'm opinionated to begin with, hence this blog. Also hence the way people remember they had something to do when I show up. 

I like car shows, but have no idea why. The cars are nice, many of which were made before my mother ever had the idea she could make babies. Some before my mother ever had the idea she existed. 

Strangely, I have only one complaint: next to the 58 Chevys there are always the 2012 Camaros, with more chrome than a dealer's lot of new cars. The engines inevitable have dual quad carburetors and that blower thingie that requires cutting a hole in the hood. How do you drive with that monstrosity blocking your view? Apparently you don't.  It turns out the size of the owner's penis is inversely proportional to the height of the engine (or so I hear). In any case, I don't want to see these things (or their penises) - the older cars are more fun to look at. 

At one point I saw something I've never seen before. It was ancient. It had wooden tire spokes. The windshield was a round piece of glass, attached to the steering wheel column. There were no doors. Turned out to be a Ford Model T! It won the award for the oldest car I've ever seen. The old folks who came with it looked like they worked on the assembly line. The sponsor has an ambulance standing by, in case any of the entries died. There's a contingency plan to get the bodies out of there without anybody noticing. They do this by disguising the ambulance as the car from Ghostbusters, so it passes unnoticed.

We remembered that the cars of our youth were not stock if there was a huge engine that came through the hood. Some cars were jokes and junk when they originally came out but now they're old and vintage, like my guitars (and me, sometimes). The restorers truly did a great job, down to the seats and covering. Seeing the late 50s cars made me wistful for the guitars made those years (no, I was not around then). If I can find a late 50s lefty, it's somewhat expensive, in the way houses are expensive. Many of the transmissions on the cars are lacking PRNDLs - instead they have numbers like 1 2 3 4. I don't like that kind. Real men are secure enough to have their gears shifted for them. 

Be skeptical when you see people in high places speak against Fake News. They try to make it sound ridiculous, like newscasters talking about people seeing UFOs. It is a fact that the CIA infiltrated newsrooms, like the one with Walter Cronkite, and planted stories as an experiment. They even had people on the payroll. From very early, there was a gentlemen's agreement not to print certain 'interesting' behaviors of presidents (JFK for one). So fake news isn't a recent phenomenon. There are YouTube videos with snippets of newscasters all speaking from a script - all using the same words. 

The news now just pushes agendas. You will see certain themes, among them inflammatory stories of people doing damage with guns. You will not see stories about someone with a gun saving others. You will see the talking heads laugh off UFOs. You will see a great emphasis on sports and social media input. Local news is somewhat less biased but generally fluff and downright stupid. If you want news from an alternate viewpoint, you can tune in news from a different country, but they're also pushing an agenda - it's just harder to see. 

Some news networks have been caught making things up and staging national news, but they're local and on a set, trying to look like they're on scene. Most news networks are against the president, except Fox. This says people up the food chain are scared. Of course Fox just waves the flag, so they're not much better.

Don't laugh off claims of Fake News. Trump did not invent the claim - he's just the first to verbalize it. You've been consuming it forever.

I am gross and perverted

I'm obsessed 'n deranged

I have existed for years

But very little has changed

I'm the tool of the Government

And industry too

For I am destined to rule

And regulate you

I may be vile and pernicious

But you can't look away

I make you think I'm delicious

With the stuff that I say

I'm the best you can get

Have you guessed me yet?

I'm the slime oozin' out

From your TV set

You will obey me while I lead you

And eat the garbage that I feed you

Until the day that we don't need you

Don't go for help . . . no one will heed you

Your mind is totally controlled

It has been stuffed into my mold

And you will do as you are told

Until the rights to you are sold

That's right, folks . . .Don't touch that dial

Well, I am the slime from your video

Oozin' along on your livin' room floor

I am the slime from your video

Can't stop the slime, people, lookit me go

I Am the Slime - Frank Zappa

Poop Everywhere!

Got a pet and a Roomba (automatic vacuum cleaner)?
Apparently you can be in deep doo-doo if the machine runs over pet poop (or any other poop, one would imagine). In one case, it spread the poop all over the house. This is the main reason I love blogging.

• CNN has admitted to shorthanding ('creatively editing') the clip of the dead Milwaukee man's sister. The edited version said, "Call for peace." The original version said, "Go burn down the suburbs, not our local businesses." CNN apologizes.

Liz Cheney won the primary for the US House seat her father held. She is reported to have her own heart but does evil run in families?

• After what must have been an unnecessary lawsuit, a New Jersey driver can now order his 8THEIST license plate. His suit claimed religious discrimination because the Motor Vehicle Commission had approved a plate that said, "BAPTIST." Why are we even having this discussion?

Eight female Egypt state TV anchors have been given one month to lose weight before being allowed back on air. Perhaps they have had some consultants in from Fox.

• At her 58th birthday party in Havana, Madonna danced on a bar. Ambulances and life support stood by. Go ahead, call me a hypocrite.. sure, most of my favorite musicians are in their 60-70s.

A Malaysian oil tanker was 'not hijacked' despite earlier reports. Because it's really easy to get confused between 'hijacked' and 'not hijacked'.

• Unwanted pet goldfish are growing to the size of footballs in Australian waters. If they don't get eaten by the giant unwanted pet alligators, we're all in trouble.

I don't have a ton of good (or bad) things to say about Taylor Swift, but she just donated $1 million to help Louisiana recover from the flood. Hats off for your humanity, Taylor.

• The BBC News reported a study on the rising number of Islamophobic posts on Twitter.  Islamophobic is defined as anything negative about Islam. Not slanted at all, is it? Hmmm.. did they study the elections? I'm sick of them - if I tweet this, am I fraudophobic? If I tweet something bad that a gay guy did, am I homophobic? (ok, bad example). I really can't stand the Olympics (Zikaphobic), Social Justice Warriors (WhiteGuiltphobic), or Kim/Kanye (ok, that's just normal). Then there's concert prices (ServiceChargephobic), bad drivers (idiotphobic), and loud coworkers (deafophobic). Might as well give up on Mainstream Media (Agendaphobic), as if that's news.

Best headline of the month:

Police to search Bath park today for more dismembered feet


 Here's some readable tech stuff:

• 5 back to school tips to help kids stay safe online. Share this with children and adults you know. Avoid sharing it with kids you don't know - people tend to get upset about this.

If you're planning to install some spyware on your husband or wife's computer, things are starting to get 'interesting' in the courts. A US court has said that a man can sue a spyware company whose software was used unlawfully by a jealous spouse to intercept his messages. This is a significant case and should be watched. Don't you like it when I get all legal?

• So that DNC hack? It was investigated and determined, as in the press, to be Russian hackers. One of two hacks proved the Russians were inside the network for a year.  This is not partisan politics, folks... this is Serious Shit<tm>. If they're inside the DNC, where else are they? Answer: safe to assume most places.

Need a little light, amusing reading? Here's what happens when your work computer is full of large amounts of porn and it needs a little bit of repair...

So tell me - what's it like, being thrown through the windshield? No, we haven't called an ambulance-this will look great on the news.

Brown Wind

So millions upon millions of European carp have flooded your South Australian waters, threatening local fish. What do you do? Dump some Herpes on the bastards. Yes, herpes, which will kill thousands in the first twenty four hours. Herpes - what could possibly go wrong?

• While we're Down Under, what do you do if you're bored? Well, if you're a fan of black humor, and who among us isn't, you name your portable wifi hotspot Mobile Detonation Device and just wait for hilarity to ensue. Yes, some lady's phone picked up this hotspot and she showed it to the plane's crew, who showed it to the captain, who showed it to two other friends, and so on. The plane was two hours late due to searching and people escaping with their luggage. The device was never found. He obviously should have called it Explosion In Five Minutes.
• Not to be outdone, a Los Angeles flight was delayed after locating a wifi hotspot called "Al-Queda Free Terror Network."  Shit is about to get hilarious!

When do you use free wi-fi? Never.
If you must, here are some tips from a real hardcore security user.

• The third largest electricity and water utility in Michigan shut down all its corporate IT systems after a ransomeware hack. Fortunately the electricity and water continued to flow but this is a very visible warning shot on a very important and visible utility. Look for this more and more, with less tolerable effects.

A Florida (of course) woman reported an 'adulterated meal' to police. She went to KFC and ordered two sandwiches, which she believed 'contained semen'. The sandwiched were swabbed for biological evidence by the police.  How does one swallow a sandwich?

• You're not paranoid if it's happening: A government surveillance program has been exposed around the San Francisco Bay area. The FBI has placed microphones in trees, under rocks, and in equipment, all without warrants, because they don't need them. The program is allegedly an attempt to prove real estate investors are guilty of bid rigging and fraud. Yeah, right. They eavesdrop with impunity.

This should make your day: Employers are having a harder time finding applicants who can pass drug tests, especially marijuana.

• President Obama has defended his transgender directive for school bathrooms. Still no word on monumental debt.

The BBC is going to close its recipes website to save 15m lbs. And let's face it, with a choice between deep fried and blandly boiled, what use is there for it?

• The first penis transplant has been performed in the US. Ewwwwwww. Ouch.

Sinead O'Connor went missing for a few days but was found alive in a hotel. She was escorted to the Happy Place. Remember, folks.. depression is no laughing matter, although her voice is. I hope she's  ok.

• According to NASA, April was the seventh month in a row to have broken global temperature records. Except in Philadelphia, where it has been cold and rainy since about 1939.

Taco Bell will no longer bolt tables to the floor at new "Upscale" locations. Well, the drunken fights at 2am will be much more interesting soon..

As you remember, we had to put Ren the cat down last week.
My wife/kids are telling me they hear him scratching at the door. I heard noises but not that.
Today I heard the scratching.
So I opened the door and let him in.