Sergeant - Arm the Dog Hair Bomb

Your love is like  used wrapping paper

It's early, I'm sitting down to work, and something's tickling me at the outside of my awareness. I know there's something just a bit off. I must've left a machine on. Nope. Look, look... an old machine I used to use has powered itself up, for no particular reason. Either that, or they're becoming alive.... ever wonder what they do when you're not around?  Yes, Mr. FBI agent, they must've turned themselves on and downloaded those files....

I just discovered I was the only one in my crew working on a (surprise) day off a few weeks ago. It's the smart wuns that make them really stoopid mistakes. As my childhood friend said, "You're the dumbest smart person I know."

Today I identify as  a coworker who never seems to do much

A small number of Flying AIDS patients develop severe psychotic symptoms.

Which seems to explain Congress....

Military recruiting crisis looms with youth too flabby to defend nation.

Who coulda seen that coming?

PRIVATE, gimme 10!

1... 1 and a half....

I said 10, maggot!

I... I can't... sir

10 laps around the course.

Sir.. I can't get to the starting gate.

What can you do, sissy?

You have any game consoles that need hacking? Chips that need eating?

Go up that ladder!

Can't, Sir - too far to go and afraid of heights.

Firing range!

No, Sir. Guns kill, like words. 

I SAID PICK UP THE GUN!

Too heavy, haven't had my Red Bull today.

In non-related news, human remains were found on Joint Base San Antonio. It appears recruits need to defend themselves from the military, not foreigners.

The Boeing 737 MAX is set to return to the skies (and hopefully not to the ground). Boeing has renamed the plane 738 MAX, in hopes no one will notice.

Tesla sales have somewhat slowed of late because they explode like a flamethrower. The slight dip in sales was followed by a surge in sales, among thrill-seekers, who enjoy the rush of knowing their car can burst into flames at any moment. Like fire. Fire good.

Tesla says that if you feel the car starting to go up in a fireball, get out of it and call their hotline: 1-666-GO BOOM. Tesla's plan to send a fire truck and another Tesla went up in flames, so to speak, when the replacement Teslas also blew up.

You better refund my money or I'll park my Tesla outside your store.

Wanna date? We'll go in my Tesla. It'll be a blast!

Sign in front of AT&T buildings: No Tesla Parking  

I have had some of the greatest sex of my life in my Tesla. It always ends in me getting blown to bits.

The Odyssey and even Dr Seuss have been burned by the Cancel Crowd, for use in schools. 

children shouldn’t have to read stories written in anything other than the present-day vernacular—especially those in which racism, sexism, ableism, anti-Semitism, and other forms of hate are the norm,”

 I, for one, welcome this Puritan-like censorship, if it means no more Shakespeare. Also canceled were:

• Homer Simpson: attitudes about junk food
• the one with the whale, Animal Farm, To Kill A Mockingbird: animal abuse
• Hansel and Gretl: elder abuse
• Catcher in the Rye: John Lennon abuse
• Green Eggs and Ham: promotes lax attitudes about food safety
• Roadrunner: everybody knows Coyotes are a code word for Jews
• Frankenstein: corpse-ism, many-isms depending on who the parts came from
• The Taming of the Shrew: sexism
• One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest: able-ism
• King Lear: feudalism
• Gulliver's Travels, Little Women: height-ism
• Harry Potter: hatred of witches and potters

Anthony Warner, alleged RV bomber, is starting to show up in the press, with all sorts of stories of what happened before he allegedly blew himself (and AT&T) up. The FBI is investigating, which can only mean one thing: Warner was very low on the IQ scale, and was telling people he wanted to blow something up. The FBI encouraged him to go ahead, gave him the explosives, and now have named the culprit. They've done this a number of times, including a NY building bomber.

Mainstream or Pr0n?: Through the Water Curtain and other Tales from Around the World, Uber Eats Clone

In case you think I'm a tinfoil cap wearing loon, check this article out, about cars being a treasure trove of information. While it's true, I am a tinfoil cap wearing loon, there's a reason for guarding your privacy with all the great new technology we have. 

The telematics system stores a vehicle's turn-by-turn navigation, speed, acceleration and deceleration information, as well as more granular clues, such as when and where the lights were switched on, the doors were opened, seat belts were put on and airbags were deployed.

This is just the beginning, especially if you allow the car access to your phone. This information is being accessed by police, advertisers, and who knows who else. Here's a business opportunity - a garage that hacks this crap out.

• The Flying AIDS bill has an interesting attachment: our spy agencies are given 180 days to disclose the truth about UFOs. 
• Damn. 
• Well, they can tell the truth OR they will say they have nothing responsive to the request. I say Rubio and Trump, with the press, should walk into Wright Patterson base and show everybody what's there. 

HIM: Let's play Epstein

HER: What's Epstein?

HIM: You ask me to massage you, then make me take my clothes off and have sex with you.

HER: ok, but only if you let me suicide you when we're done

• Wonder Woman 1984, yet another remake, is having questionable box office returns. Industry professionals are afraid to state that it might have something to do with having a trans man in the title role.

Queens of the Stone Age: they've been around for a while, but I haven't heard much from them, so I dove head first into a concert on tv. You know what they say about diving... make sure there's water in the pool. It's ok, I don't like anything.

• the Polk County, Florida, sheriff authorized a sting operation at a flea market, of vendors selling 'pirate' Amazon Firesticks.
• Don't they have any illegal gatherings to bust up?

It's lonely at work. The loneliest person ever is always the one running a meeting. I don't know who pulled their body parts out, but no one will respond to a thing the moderator says. It's not like anybody's going to get in trouble for an answer or much of anything. They just don't speak.

MOD: Hey, everybody. Good morning.

EVERYBODY:

MOD: Am I on? Can everybody hear me?

EVERYBODY: [silence].. [silence].. uncomfortable [silence].. [1 person] Uhh, yes.

MOD: So, you're all fired.

EVERYBODY:

MOD: Just kidding. You all got a raise.

EVERYBODY:

MOD: I'm trying to decide where to put the servers - behind the firewall, or just out on the internet, where anybody can get to them. Thoughts? Security Department?

EVERYBODY:

This is every meeting, whether 3 or 300 participants, regardless of moderator. Anybody who's read this blog more than once knows I abhor a vacuum. I was raised strangely, in that if someone asks me a question, especially someone who's paying me, I answer it. No one told me that was optional, so everybody got to know my voice. I realized I take some of the pressure off my teammates because they figure I'll answer the questions or do the work. OH, I get it.

I learned a valuable lesson at my first job: when the boss says 'we', he means 'you.' "We need to get that area cleaned up." The only time it didn't mean 'you' was when he said "We need to go to lunch with that hot rep."

The other day I let someone else lead, vowing to give only factual, 2 syllable answers. No sarcasm (someone wanted to check my pulse). This was because of a variant on the First Lesson: This is messed up. What are 'you' going to do about it? Gee, fella, what 'we' would normally do is call 'you' because it's 'your' equipment. 

Let me explain it another way: you set it up, you have admin rights, you fixed every issue we've had with it (after we called your boss). Whereas, we only have user rights and honestly believe there are squirrels running on a belt inside the machine.

Let me explain it another way: when I take my Chevy to the dealership because it's leaking something that looks flammable, the dealer doesn't ask me how I'm going to fix it. He just fixes it, claims the problem was out of warranty, and charges me for a new engine.

Let me explain it another way: when your wife wrecks the Chevy and asks what 'she' is going to do about it....  "Oh, I get it. Nothing more to say - I'll call you when it's fixed."

I want to learn to not answer questions in a meeting, but it's so hard... letting that dead air go... when I know the answer. Or use the opportunity to suggest getting rid of Windows and using linux on all servers. Sometimes people speak when I say this stuff... it's usually a mixture of groaning and loud applause. I have a new exercise: before I answer, I remember there are a lot of extremely intelligent people who have been there a long time and are in departments way over mine, so if they don't answer, maybe I shouldn't. 

Nah, just kidding - I have no problem telling highly capable people above me they're wrong. Plus somebody's gotta answer... don't they?

• Fish spaghetti?

Dear lefty 

• Why hasn't there been a Dear lefty in the last few pages?
• we're tired of your whining 
• Look, I'm serious.
• you don't look serious
• My girlfriend said either the guitars go or she goes. What do I do?
• ask her for a forwarding address 

Ebay is soliciting reviews on things people buy. Here's my first one:

It looked really great in the description. I tracked it anxiously, every day, even when it spent 2 weeks in the Delivery Abyss. So if it ever arrives, I'll jump back on and leave another review. How long should I wait until I cancel the order?

There are certain actors who get typecast in a role, for better or worse.

One of my all time favorites is John Astin (Gomez Addams). Sometimes I wonder if he was really acting. Whenever he popped up on different shows, all I saw was Gomez playing the part. That twinkle in his eye, that slight smile, that Zen Yogi. Morticia (Carolyn Jones) fared much better in other roles. One could argue it had something to do with not wearing a long black wig and a dress that only allowed her to shuffle. 

Then there was the Greatest Supporting Actor in a Comedy Who Never Got Recognized, Stephen Stucker (Johnny in Airplane). I just can't imagine him leaping into the air in a different movie, saying "Auntie Em, Auntie Em!" or "and Leon's getting larrrrrrger." (RIP)

Forget John Cleese (or any of the Pythons) doing serious roles. There will always be a bunch of guys in the back, shouting "This parrot is dead. It's a stiff!" Note: this does not apply to Michael Palin's series on railway trips. He's dead serious. So very serious. Incredibly serous. I watched most of a show, waiting for a punchline. I broke my own leg.

Who else? Leave a comment.

• Why does this software make me log in to tell me I have been logged out, then I have to log back in? Was the alcohol flowing freely that day?

Happy New Year.

2020 is about to bite the big one, none too soon.

I wish you

Good health, happiness, financial and all sorts of other whoopee.

Read the label carefully.

Tell your pets Penny said hi.

Please don't drink and do much of anything else. Or just drink virtually.

Take your medicine (as prescribed)

Keep coming back and tell your friends (I can't get my own family to read this)

-lefty

Buy a tree, get a free Mercedes!

Does Drinking in Your Home Office Make You Drunk at Work?

 

What about having sex on your office desk?

Try it out and report back, please.

Your love is like  ground beef with blue hair growing on it

It was almost worth pulling over to take a picture..

The liquor store, with the flashing advertising sign that said Ready for School? 

Like many, we have 2 cars: 1 for her,and 1 for the dog.

No, wait, 1 for her and 1 for her.

Hang on, 1 for her and 1 for me.

2 for her but the 1 she's mad at for me. That's it.

We have a long, wicked history with cars. 1 had over a dozen minor accidents with Mrs lefty at the wheel: none her fault. I watched people come out from nowhere to hit her. My dad gave us his sentimental car, which started every day and was just fine as long as you didn't like to accelerate faster than a lawnmower or have air conditioning. Air conditioning season was made more interesting because the driver's window didn't come down. I gladly drove this car to work because it started. Mrs lefty would go to great lengths not to drive it. One day I found her digging up the back yard for an underground entertainment center for the block, when I finally asked her what was up. "It scares me." 

The first week, some asshole dented it. Then it stopped 'just starting' and even Dad couldn't figure out why. It sat in the drive until we saved enough to fix it. Unfortunately we never figured out how much this was because a tree fell on it, smashing 2/3's of the lucky sentimental car. You cannot be seen driving to work with a just starts car in which only 1/3 is roadworthy, although this isn't such a great problem in many parts of Philly. 

Dad was not amused.

When it became clear Dad was not going to be driving anymore, they gave us their  next car, which has been in the family since 1863. It was made for exactly 1 year, by a non-car company that thought it was a good idea at the time to build cars. At the end of that year, they packed their gear, screamed, and ran off to Acapulco, vowing never to make anything with tires ever again. Their factories went back to making vacuums. It begins with an S, I think. Subaru, Suzuki, Schism, Saluki, I just can't remember. I have to avoid asking for insurance quotes because I just can't remember. I froze up last year, when they wanted not only the make, but the model. G-Bus, these people are killing me - isn't Saluki good enough? How many models did Saluki make in the single year they made cars? That's a lot to make an owner remember.

So the Saluki went in her name but nobody remembers why. It has no value and we don't drink. Every now and then she'd call with bizarre complaints, where the car would start hiccupping, snorting, losing power, and claiming to be Beyonce. We asked every member of the family, including the dead ones, what these things meant. Nobody knew a thing, and I didn't want to be the one guy on the block whose car thinks it's Beyonce - it gets no royalties, so I don't want to hear no shit about who it thinks it is. Guy down the block's car thinks it's Jen Aniston and it has so much green it gets repairs even before anything breaks. You'd never know it was over 50 years old, lawdy. Last family member said the tire light was always on, but that was only to let us know it had tires. Somebody else said the engine light was always on, and I guessed out loud that it was to remind us it had an engine. Alas, no, it was to let us know to pick up a spare engine, if we ever drove past certain vacuum factories. The other one told us the engine light never came on. Mrs left was not impressed. Further not impressive was the fact that none of this ever happened to me when I drove it. She thought maybe the car (or the family) was having a bit of a laugh at her expense. This was her fatal mistake: she is hilarious enough in her everyday life not to require Car Hijinks. So even though this car is legally hers, she refers to it as 'the Saluki."

This car did not come with a great invention of mine, as no other cars on the planet do: a pizza slot, preferably heated. You've all had to transport pizza, hopefully not across state lines, and you go to put it on a seat which isn't level, so the cheese all slides to one end. If you had a pizza slot, you would simply slide the pizza in, set the temperature for Transport, and be certain it would be as-new when you got to your destination. For a few hundred extra, you could have some Pizza Scent wafting through the car, whether or not you were transporting pizza. Yet another Billion Dollar Idea.

So the one-sided cheese pizza and I are stopped in a left-hand turning lane. We watch a car go through the intersection on the other side, stop 100' past, and start to reverse back on this busy road, eventually doing a 180 and disappearing somewhere. I was most impressed, the pizza was flipped out. As I made my left turn, I was stopped by a car just sitting there, on the wrong side of the street. Yes, it was the Great Reverser. It had been a very impressive night - even the pizza wasn't prepared for this kind of excitement.

As I got closed to my destination, the car had no power and the engine light came on. Yeah, this was just like Mrs lefty described. I'm sorry - where was I?

Today I identify as  the winter glove with no mate. It was there last year and all through the summer...

So I called Mrs lefty, both to tell her that she wasn't imagining things (well, those particular things), and that she should stand by, in case she had to come rescue me in 'her' car. I called her on her phone - no answer. I called her on the landline - no answer. This is a continuing thread. I thought I could never get in touch with her because she simply didn't want to talk to me - it was an honest, straightforward issue. But no, it's everybody who needs to talk to her. Working from home, I've been able to watch this. The moment she walks into another room, her phone rings. If she goes to let Penny out, the phone rings. If she's on the phone, the phone rings. If she takes a nap, the phone, that she leaves near me, rings. Continuously. Then the alarm she set to wake her from her nap rings. On the phone she left near me, not by the bed. I know if Satan Himself, or his earthly representative, Dick Cheney, was about to eat my soul and I got 1 phone call first, I'd tell him nah - enjoy your snack.

I pondered installing a beeper in her intestines, but knowing her, she'd change intestines on the day I needed to get in touch.

• Have you ever had a family member delivered by the police?
• Leave the story in the comments
• Mine started KNOCK KNOCK - Police. Is she yours? Do you want her?
• [confused] I guess this means she's not upstairs napping.

Heard online: the NSA is the only part of government that actually listens to you

• Famous 9-11 prevaricator and Trump stooge Rudy Giuliani turned up infected and was rushed to the hospital. We expect to find out what he's infected with any moment now...

Dear lefty  

• Should I go shopping in person this year? Is it safe?
• absolutely. Go out, take video, and don't wear your mask. I need some holiday cheer.

• A robot is now making Jamba smoothies in a California Walmart in less than 3 minutes
• Spokesperson for Walmart said robot would not be hired full time until it screws up at least 65% of orders.

Hey, whattamI, chopped liver? 

The Bad News: Penny ate the entire container of chopped liver

The Good News: she didn't touch the crackers

The Other Good News: the container is perfectly clean and free of chopped liver

Doctors say the Flying AIDS may cause erectile dysfunction. They just have to figure out how to crush a little blue pill into the vaccine.

Highest-paid sex worker in US sues state government for having no work during lockdown. This is precisely the kind of idiot government interference that's killing this country, lockdown or not. Perhaps she should do what some restaurants do: carry on business outside. 6' distancing is a real bitch, though...

(CNN)The Department of Defense released the first images of a Covid-19 vaccination record card and vaccination kits Wednesday.

The Department of Defense?

There may be questions...

Those wacky conspiracy theorists are right more and more these days.

Let's Go Shopping!

• Be careful when browsing Ebay for "english cocker spaniel" in the morning. You're liable to wind up with Joe Cocker, Jarvis Cocker, LuLaRoe, or Training Guide, teaching the dog how to train the people. Although... "Tribute" is all about the Joe Cocker Mad Dogs and Englishmen tour, as well as the tribute concert with Tedeschi Trucks. Hmmm.....
• Fortunately, you will not turn up any refurbished wireless ear buds. Why they've probably sold damn near two of them.
• You can now buy New Balance sneakers that look like they're already dirty. From the people who brought you pants with holes already in them.
• I was going to purchase some essential oils, but I had to check with Idiot Governor to make sure they weren't non-essential oils, and couldn't be purchased because of the Flying AIDS.
• Slouchy beanie hats are on sale. They would instantly confer Coolness upon me, especially in summer, when it's 90 degrees. I hope they're made from wool.
• How about a refurbished Roomba? It keeps banging into stuff and terrorizing the cat because it has the previous owner's floor plan in it.
• There's the Ninja Foodie. As I understand it, you put all the ingredients in it, leave the room, and 5 black-suited Asians come down from the attic and cook your food for you.
• Guitar Center is still at it, but has appeared to change its borderline stalking behavior to plain old ads. Stalking aside, I'm not going in there until they have something I want. They can have as many sales as they like.
• You can get all sorts of refurb power tools. I'd be all over them, but I'm not allowed to own power tools after the Mouse Incident. Heh heh.
• there's a Tag Heuer Chronograph for $2400. Because you can't legally call it a watch over $1,500.
• Ebay, in an actual attempt at targeted marketing, wants to sell me a variety of p.a. systems. If Ebay read this blog, they'd know that for me to use a p.a. system, I'd need a band. They are not selling bands, sadly. Godammit, I'm the best-equipped guitar player in my neighborhood.
• There are also 2 sets of salt and pepper shakers. I'm not sure what this means. Oh shit - they bugged the house! We couldn't find the shakers the last time we cooked.
• I could buy some gym shirts, but unless they compress flab, they're of no use to me.
• Some very smart company sells a 3 pack of laser levels. Because you're always losing one. It's like buying a wireless phone with 2 or 3 handsets. You don't need 2 or 3 handsets, but you're going to lose 1 or 2 of them. Or they're going to break.
• very popular are the 13" laptops. They're called Squints.

Shopping Help

Don't buy a smart tv - they're ridiculous privacy invaders.

Since you can't buy a dumb tv anymore, at least don't buy a Samsung: they have the most draconian 'privacy' agreement you agree to by turning the tv on.

If you purchase a wireless security video system that comes with 4 cameras, place 3 around the perimeter of your house, and 1 permanently focused on the hot neighbor's bedroom. NOTE: this does not work well with drones. Trust me.

• Here's a great article: Why Europe's big cannibis route is so hard to shut. Wait, did I say great? Is that demon marijuana coming to get us? Is this one of those Onion stories? Looks like just another justification for keeping the (failed) war on drugs going. I don't even smoke the stuff but this is just silly. I suspect the only marijuana related deaths we'll ever see are the war on drugs troops.
• You Own You. You want to put that stuff in your mouth, go right ahead. Just don't hurt anybody else in the process.

So in Flying AIDS news, most of California is under strict new lockdown.

Questions occur, such as whether this is a good thing. Maybe if they were put under voice lockdown....

China has put together a quantum computer they boast as the fastest of any computer anywhere. Unfortunately, no one can explain how quantum computers work, so they built another computer to figure this out, called Deep Photon.

Surprise, surprise: AI cameras sold to schools in New York struggle with people of color and are full of false positives. Hang on... AI cameras... sold to schools....??

In monolith news, more are being found. We know the first 2 were the aliens, messing with us. The new ones are humans. If I were them, I would guard my anus with steel equipment. You do not want to piss the aliens off. I smell abductions!

SJW Stupidity

 

In England, fans of a Colchester team who boo during taking the knee are 'not welcome'. 

The Emotional Evils of Ebay

I don't get out much, nor does my house's heater.
I don't even get online much, also like my house's heater.
Way back, I used to spend a lot of time on Ebay, to the point of having little brown boxes showing up at my door daily. If I didn't do a few transactions per week, Mr. Ebay would call me up to make sure I was feeling ok, much like Shoe Shopping Network and Mrs lefty. Eventually it occurred to me that I had to keep paying for these things and other things started happening, so the boxes stopped. No so Mrs lefty and the shoes.

Mrs lefty understands Ebay but doesn't spend a lot of time there. Being an occasionally nice husband, I occasionally point out a thing or two, like some amazing shoes and stuff she likes. If I were possessed of any live brain cells at all, I'd have stopped showing her additional ways of shopping a long time ago, but we know of my great love for shooting myself in the foot. In fact, at this point, I know of 437 ways to shoot myself in the foot, backed up by xrays. To make matters more evil, Ebay has this relative new thing... Ebay is on its way to becoming sentient, like Sky Corp, but more expensive. Wife was looking at shoes, just doing what came natural to her, and checking the Watch button on pairs she liked. She quickly learned the button can only store 500 pairs at a time, so she pared back. The thing that shows Ebay is almost alive is where Ebay watches the watch list. If the item (we'll call it shoes) doesn't look like it's going to sell, Ebay will email you that you can buy it for $20 off or some other discount. In my second shot at my foot that day, I told my wife the shoes were $20 off. BINGO - through the foot and the wallet at the same time!

I'm going to put a guitar on the Watch List, to see what happens.

If you think Ebay is bad, Amazon is already sentient. It knows exactly what you bought and can tell you what you're going to buy next. Every now and then I buy some baby toys or high heels to confuse it.



We're on the eve, or the beginning, of  a serious heatwave. No, not the song, the temperature. I hear it's going to feel like 100 on the beach in New Jersey tomorrow. Good thing we're not in New Jersey, eh? We got a break, in that it's only going to be 99 here. So many benefits of not living in New Jersey.  Due first to the Flying AIDS, and now to the temperature, we don't get out much anyway, so we're less likely to notice how hot it is, except when we lay under the car on in the driveway. To this day, we have no idea why. The only way we really know it's hot is when the news has wall to wall coverage of how HOT it's going to be. It's just like the 5 days' warning we're going to get 1/4" of snow in the winter. WARNING: we're going to have WEATHER tomorrow!

Another thing the Flying AIDS has killed is my only summer activities: guitar shows and electronics flea markets (hamfests). Thus far, they're all canceled. We know that less time out of the house is more time in the house, which means the strain goes back on Mrs lefty.  Even though places are opening up, they still require masks, and I refuse. They make my nose sweat and annoy me. So I'm still in the house, questioning my life choices.


Florida's a mess, but this time due to the Flying AIDS, which is on the rebound. They're thinking of locking down again. I say go ahead - the more of Florida locked down, the better off the rest of the states.

Speaking of Florida, a fatal motorcycle crash was listed as a Fying AIDS death. Asked to check again, the death was removed from the Flying AIDS list. Because sometimes it's hard to differentiate between a bloody motorcycle crash and a disease. They look so much alike. Looking further, other deaths that might be removed from the Flying AIDS list involved explosions, suicide by gun, leaping off buildings, and claiming to have evidence against the Clintons.

In today's Mask Follies, a woman urinated on the floor after refusing to don a mask at a Verizon store. Police had better investigate thoroughly; things are not always what they seem. Perhaps it was a statement on the quality of Verizon's service...


An NBC Sports jockey is filing suit, claiming discrimination because he's a heterosexual.


Hundreds of people tried to pull down the very large Columbus statue in Chicago. You know, these people can probably make good money in demolition. Why don't they get jobs?


In the midst of everyone having to bow down to Black Lives Matter, everything stopped while a black guy had to do an Apology Tour to be sorry to the Jews. That's power.


This is killing me... hundreds of advertisers are cutting spending on Faceyspaces. I almost feel guilty for laughing.*               *not really


A Kentucky couple was fitted with ankle monitors and placed on house arrest after the wife tested positive for coronavirus but refused to sign self-quarantine documents, according to reports. See what happens when being kept inside for too long stops drunk tractor racing?

not available on ebay

Captivity - Day 97 Johnny, get under the car

Didja ever have one of those dreams....
When you're on a couch with some relatives
When something shifts and the couch starts to move, as if on wheels
When you fall off the couch and it goes whirling out at a hundred people
And you wake up on the floor?

No?
Just me, I guess.



So I'm not the biggest fan of iDevices, but let's face it: they have a sales winner. For whatever reason, possibly drugs, everything from every company has to have a lower case 'i' in front of it. You don't believe me?

My iAndroid woke me this morning, so I could have some iFlakes. We were almost out of iMilk, so iWife put it on the shopping list. As I was getting ready for work, I sat on my brand new iChair (so comfy) and booted up my iLinux computer, as well as my iWindows work computer. At noon, I had some iSoup, which was so messy, I got it in my iEye. The iServers at work threw a fit, so I had to call out the iA-Team. They rebooted iServers A to iZ. It took so long, iI went home.




Wizards of the Coast Is Addressing Racist Stereotypes In Dungeons & DragonsKeeping geek stereotypes.



I won an auction or 2 on ebay.
Went to checkout and was told I didn't have rights to that server.
Well, that's ok - I didn't want rights to that server -I just wanted to pay the sellers. It happened twice, which did nothing to raise my morale. I checked Help, which turned up a few similar cases, which were resolved by Support. So I had to contact Support.  Have you ever tried to contact ebay Support? It's like trying to find the the underground vault where the president goes during an emergency, but more difficult.

Eventually I found it, under Ebay Community Dancing Lessons.
They did well in hiding it.
I got a nice lady in text, who was interested in helping me.
That should have been my first warning.
She asked all the questions that would indicate I was a typical idiot who texted all day. Then she asked about my device. I told her I'm not that kind of guy. No, she wanted to know how I got there.
Ummm.... computer?
Maybe it's not up to date...
Why yes, it's up to date. It's the same computer I've used for 8 years.
Oh. How about your browser?
It says hi.
Can you try a different browser?
I can, but this one's based on Chrome. I even told her about my equipment, so to speak. I didn't exactly say linux.. I just said the name of it. Then I opened another browser, at which point ebay told me the password I logged in with wasn't correct. Oh? Then came the password change; involving circus hoops, break dancing, and diapering children. I had to do this twice. I asked the helpful lady how anybody gets on ebay in the first place.

I pulled up the Stupid Browser. It's so wide open, any site with malware can send it on in. Annnnnnd it failed. ebay lady asks if I'm still there, because I'm not typing. Of course I'm there - she's lucky she couldn't hear me.

I don't use Browser #3 on ebay because it's locked down so tight that sites like this won't let me in. Since it was already up, I tried. Sure enough, it got in.

I thanked the lady. She thanked me for remaining pleasant throughout the call. It was then I felt sorry for the poor person: her job must be hell, with all the ninnies calling to bitch at her because servers don't like browsers. As browsers go, they say the great thing about standards is that there's so many of them. I finally got to pay the sellers and declined the sale over at Adult Ebay. My merchandise will be here on.... umm... about.... Eventually. And that's official.



Privacy advocates are decrying a new bill, which would force tech companies to unlock encrypted devices if ordered to do so by law enforcement with a court issued warrant.

Shocking!
From your friends in DC. It's only your data... they have a right to read it. Illegal search and seizure - 4th Amendment.


Speaking of ebay, I spent a little time there and noticed they had a ton of Pre-Owned stuff. I was told they had a lot of Used stuff, but I didn't see one.



Decorate your home of the future.. with furniture from way in the past!

Playing Hopscotch on the Telephone Pole

There is an issue with Chrome-based browsers (Chrome, Opera, Vivaldi, Brave and most that aren't Firefox). If you're especially concerned about your privacy and rely on blocker add-ons like uBlock, Chrome screws the way they work and your info could get past them and/or you'll get ads. This does not happen in Firefox, so I'll continue to recommend it as a safer browser, even though it needs some de-googling.



OnePlus' smartphone has a 'disappearing' camera.
Let's take it one step further and have a disappearing phone, for when people talk too loudly in public.

MIT scientists made a shape-shifting material that morphs into a human face.

• ALIEN TECHNOLOGY! Aliens! Maybe Reptilians. Or maybe MIT scientists. They're a pretty smart bunch, those aliens scientists. But I kid.

A father took his son to Mongolia just to get him off his phone.
Child went through detox so bad, he had to be airlifted out of the country.

• Mariah Carey's Twitter account was hacked.
• Nobody noticed until she started making sense.

60 Minutes is investigating the death of Jeffrey Epstein. That's funny.
Since you're a ThermionicEmissions reader (even if by force), you know that he was murdered. You knew this before any photos came out. Having seen a photo, it's obvious he didn't hang himself with bedsheets, at the same time the security camera failed and the guards forgot to look in on him.

I believe Epstein was sacrificed to send a warning: this is what will happen if you tell. Dat's a nize neck you got theyah. It would be a shame for anyting t' happen to it, capeesh?

• Remember the Cambridge Analytics disaster, where it misappropriated 87 million Faceyspaces profiles? It's worse than you thought. The manipulation was obscene.

Troubleshooting follows a logical path: check one element at a time until you locate the bad one. The other day, my laptop went POOF and powered off: this is not normal. Laptop batteries can fail and prevent the machine from powering up. So I pulled the battery and ran off the power supply. And the machine failed to power up. Soooo, the battery AND power are bad?  After a bit more testing, the battery WAS bad, plus Penny had turned off a power strip that controlled the laptop. Troubleshooting should not include the results of dog.

Sooooo.... I needed a laptop battery - off to Ebay.

For obvious reasons, sellers of laptop batteries and memory are plentiful and really easy to find. You don't even have to know what battery or memory your machine takes: just search for "[machine brand and model] battery" and you have 400 listings. 

Unfortunately, to purchase a battery on Ebay, you have to log into Ebay. This, naturally, was an issue. As you've read, online purchases are one of my most reliable triggers. Simply buying a battery, which anyone can do almost instantly and without a fuss, is like negotiating world peace for me; only I get much angrier.  Typically the process involves discovering that the site doesn't like locked-down browsers or linux browsers. This time it was more insidious...

It wanted my phone number.

It already has my phone number.

But it wanted it again.

I tried clicking, making up phone numbers, and hitting escape - no luck.

If I don't want to give you my phone number, why are you bothering me?

Finally I found a set of numbers that worked.

Joyous at my login, the next screen wanted me to get through a CAPTCHA. 

I hate CAPTCHAs. My browsers hate CAPTCHAs. The industry hates CAPTCHAs. This one was particularly evil, involving putting a puzzle piece in place. Normally this would've been easy, but I couldn't see the puzzle piece.

NEXT BROWSER, please.

Ok, now I can see the puzzle piece and move it to the slot. Such joy in accomplishment.

But Wait!!!!  Now it wants me to pick security questions!

Wife knew I was making an online purchase because the house was shaking, there was high level screaming, and the dog was in panic mode.

Listen, Pig Fuckers.... I've been on Ebay for lots of years. Never hacked, never a fraud. LEAVE ME ALONE. Plus you already have my security questions - I document this stuff.

Total time: 20 minutes to log in, 2 minutes to purchase.

If Ebay gave a care in the world about their customers, I'd drop them a line to tell them about my feelings. 

• Blinded by the Light was a huge cover hit for Manfred Mann's Earth Band. Don't let that be your only impression of them - they have some pretty cool music. Check them out.

If you're looking for some interesting online radio, I found 2:

http://www.radiorockuk.com/

Radio Rock is a British station that plays what can be described as 70s progressive, with bands like Yes, Camel, Cream, and the occasional Jeff Beck or Peter Frampton. It's pretty interesting listening, even for background music. I can guarantee you've never heard radio like this, for better or worse.

https://kgraradio.com/
KGRA is a really interesting conspiracy-ish station. It features shows all day and night dealing with all the typical topics: ufo, paranormal, news, etc. It's a good place to pick up some knowledge, handed down by good people in their fields. Use your discretion as to whether it's good information or not.

They can be listened to in your browser, your audio player, and your cell phone, via browser, player, or one of the net radio players, like Online Radio Box (android, not sure about iDevices). There are bunches of free net radio players available on all platforms. All of them go to Faceyspaces and other ad networks first.

• A startup called Byton is producing a small electric SUV. They got tongues wagging because the 'infotainment system' will feature a 48" screen. From pictures, it doesn't look like it could transport a 48" screen home from the electronics store. When phones and displays started making it into cars, the worry was that drivers would get distracted. How could anyone possibly be distracted by an infotainment system that is literally the dashboard, stretching across the windshield...  We won't even discuss the voice recognition and privacy implications.

22 young women were tricked into doing porn by GirlsDoPorn, and were awarded $13 million by a judge. In legalese, this means the girls will get to split $3 million, and the lawyers the rest. I am not a lawyer, but I have seen commercials for lawyers, so I feel qualified to comment. The girls answered ads for clothed modeling. When they showed up, it was porn. But they were assured it wouldn't wind up on the net; only recorded to DVD, for collectors in Australia and New Zealand.

So naturally it wound up on the net, and lawyers are claiming "severe harassment, emotional and psychological trauma, and reputational harm." I am not unsympathetic to their plight, and believe GirlsDoPorn is on the hook for damages, but I think this went too far. Yes, this clear misrepresentation, but at no point were the ladies held against their will and prevented from leaving the building. In fact, they were lured with the promise of making $5,000 per day shooting. At that point, the women agreed to the shooting. The naked shooting. Their own greed assisted the shooter (a con man). Since the trial, the con man disappeared from the country and shifted assets overseas. This doesn't sound shady at all, does it? Good luck collecting the award.

The defense used my argument, which was rejected due to the coercion tactics of the con man and company. I think seeing lawyers in commercials really helped me in this instance. Unfortunately I won't be entitled to any of the proceeds.

• A man's cleverly-hidden 5.5" horn delayed his cancer diagnosis for years. Yeah, that huge horn growing out of his back must've hidden from him and his doctors.

Whoever you are, whatever your values, recognize the historic importance of this: it is second time the US government's retaliation against *the same whistleblower* has been found equivalent to torture. Telling the truth has become the greatest of crimes.  - Edward Snowden

• the sex toy banned from CES last year is unlike anything ever seen....
• it won an award from CES, then they banned it. Good group, those folks.

More sad news: RIP Neil Innes. Neil did the music for a lot of Monty Python bits and starred in Holy Grail as one of the minstrels. He was also in the aforementioned Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band. He died of natural causes at 75.

The man was just plain FUNNY. He wrote funny songs, very well, so he was dear to me. If you haven't seen The Rutles - All You Need is Cash, you should get your posterior to wherever you can find it and see it now. The whole thing is a sendup of the Beatles, including the band members, Barry, Stig, Nasty, and Ron. Aside from being funny, the creation was pure genius. Listen to the songs and if you ignore the words, they could damn well be Beatles songs. That takes some doing (I know).


Today I identify as  the slightly worn "A" key from my keyboard.

You're No Fun Anymore

The US Navy and Marines are cracking down on nude photo sharing. Yes, this can no longer go on without permission of the person photographed nude. Apparently this regulation makes it more illegal to post nudes, as it was already illegal under "conduct unbecoming an officer and a gentleman." Kinda like hate speech.

Which brings me to my next thought: do the armed forces only hire gentlemen? What about ladies? Do we want an armed forces that only hires gentlemen - or would it be like Britain, where they apologize for bombing countries? "Oh, terribly sorry... our planes seemed to have dropped bombs on your factories."

No, I don't want gentlemen - I want rude, crude, lewd, and bright fighters.

• When the lovely folks from AntiFa peacefully attacked Trump supporters with violence and bike locks, the Reddit Detective Squad went into action to identify the culprits.  What did they turn up?  Diablo Valley College and SFSU professor Eric Clanton.  From the site: His work in political philosophy also centers on mass incarceration and the prison system. Yes, a college professor assaulted 'the enemy' with heavy metal. I don't remember these classes in college....
• Rioting 101: how to dress. Will this face mask make me look fat? What is the correct shade of black for my skin? Dreads: are they right for me?
• Rioting 201: weapons. Bicycle locks, Hyundais, and small anvils. Demonstration by the Acme Weapons Company.
• Rioting 302: when caught, how to blame Trump for your actions, the weather, and how your free speech has been eroded by being prosecuted for assault. Releasing a statement to the press about how the whole thing has been caused by the White Male Patriarchy.
• Remember, California: all of this would not be possible without your tax dollars!

A 19 year old pair of McDonalds dipping sauces sold for more than 11,500 pounds on Ebay. My calculations put that figure at $47.533 grams but the article specifies $14,700. Believe whichever you choose. Say what you want about the economy, but someone has too much money.

• Berkeley campus on lockdown after loose pages from Wall Street Journal found on park bench.  Ok, this is from The Onion, but it's not far from reality.

In today's Internet of Things news, there is an internet-connected juicer. No, really. It has a brand new feature, in that it doesn't work when the internet is down.

• The local Fox morning show, a favorite target of ThermionicEmissions, features a local kid playing hackeysack. The show is never short of useful information.

In Marshall news, he's headed to the surgeon for his (hopefully) last post-op visit. He gets his Cone of Shame removed, which should make things easier on him and his parents. It didn't take him long to get used to it, by which I mean walking around, smashing into things and knocking other things over, then circling back to do it again.

Now we have this thing I call The Doggie Dance, largely because I can't think of any other names at this moment.  Whenever he wants something, he whines. Unfortunately the same whine can mean "I want to go outside," "I'm hungry", or "I'm thirsty" and you have to try each of them to figure out what he wants.

Dog whines. I walk to door and ask if he wants to go outside. He stares at me and doesn't move. I sit down.

Dog whines. I walk to door and ask if he wants to go outside. Again, he stares at me. Again I sit down.

Dog whines impatiently.  Oh, it must be food. Fill bowl. Dog eats food. I sit down.

Dog whines and walks to door. Apparently he has to do things in a certain order. Doggie OCD? Don't ask me. And I'm not asking the vet, as we've already bought her a Mercedes and sent her entire family on a cruise to the Bahamas.

As I sit back down, Dog Barks and whines like he's being tortured. This means "I'm ready to come back inside."

By the time I'm temporarily sitting again, he's satisfied that he's caused the maximum amount of carnage and grief possible at the hour, he goes upstairs, bashes through the bedroom door, and has a nap on the bed. Who runs this house anyway?

• If you use LinkedIn and updated your iDevice app, you got a little surprise popup that asked you if you wanted to make your data available to nearby Bluetooth users, even when you're not using the app. This was a problem for anyone who watches what pops up, especially as this update was just a fix. LinkedIn, owned by a small firm called Microsoft, apologized immediately and is working on a fix. Because I want my phone to ping random strangers near me so I can talk to their owners of the joys of LinkedIn.

you are welcome to save this but do NOT tell anyone where it came from

Oh The Outrage

Gone viral is the story of a Philadelphia-ish area woman with an autistic child who was asked to leave Friendlys (an ice cream chain). The child was screaming and crying loudly. The mother, who is pushing this as a Huge Story, freely admits that the child is 'a bit of a brat' and 'loud'.

Rather than taking the child for a walk, she was 'afraid' to leave her other child at the table. Rather than simply taking the child out of the restaurant, like one would with any screaming child. The mother states this is 'intolerant', although she does not like the word tolerant. Just for fun, the show asked the child's older brother (approximately 10) what he thought of it, who referred to hate and anger. This poor child will always be secondary to his brother. The autistic child ran around and screamed in the studio.

In a statement, Friendlies states that they are "Confident that dialog is taking place."

C'mon, Mom.. you freely admit everything about your son that states he should have left the restaurant. Stop milking this, crying autism. A letter from another parent with autistic children states that she will leave an establishment when her child/children act out. Mom poo-pooed it.

• NYPD is planning to switch to Windows 10 Mobile. This is what we call a Dunderhead Move. Not because I hate Windows (well, not entirely) but because the platform is almost dead. Plus they must love pain. NYPD is already using Win 10 on their mobile phones, with the plan being to 'upgrade' them to Win 10 mobile. The reasoning is the security of the platform(!) and the mobile device management capabilities (which every other platform has too). Not only is this a stupid move, it's apparent that someone in the NYPD is either getting a kickback or is just incredibly friendly with a vendor. This isn't the first time this has happened.. many cities have selected statewide radio systems for police and fire that have been borderline useless. These people know nothing and rely on salespeople, who we know always tell the truth.

I prefer to let anatomy (especially blood) remain where it is, secure in the knowledge that it's doing what it's supposed to do, or at very least, I don't need to be looking there and passing out (possibly dying a rock star's death by choking on my own vomit). The other night we were catching up on Bones episodes. I remember them as intelligent and well-written, with funny and relatable characters and not a ridiculous amount of gore.  Apparently the focus changed while we weren't watching it. There were all sorts of hideous sights.. I can't and won't try to describe them, as I spent a good portion of the episodes looking at my computer instead of the tv. One particular delicacy involved a mostly eaten body with a carnivorous fish embedded inside what was left of it. Even the wife, a nurse, thought it was pretty gross. So Bones has changed a bit.

In addition to those bodily functions, there's one that of which I was never aware: the switch in my ass. Before your mind wanders too far, there's a switch in my butt that activates the dog whenever I sit. It lets him know it's a great time to do something that involves notifying me in an urgent manner and tone. This can be one of three things: I need food, I need to go outside, or I need water. He never asks for two at the same time, preferring to nudge me for them individually when the switch activates. As parents of bipeds, I suspect you know of this switch. Thus concludes your hidden anatomy lesson for the day (hopefully the year).

• Over 50 parents in England were furious when their children were left stranded on a bus because their Muslim driver stopped on a main road and knelt down to pray. I'm thinking that if your religion is going to interfere with doing your job that much, perhaps you need a different job. Imagine if other religions practiced during their work time...
• Islamists would park the bus across traffic, hoping cars and trucks would kill the kids
• Christians would sacrifice the children to God, while the Catholics would make them feel guilty for it
• Jews would take the kids out for a nice corned beef special, requesting the early-bird and group discounts
• Buddhists would have the children visualize going to school
• Atheist drivers would insist there are no schools and drop the kids back home

Friend to all, the IRS paid $12 million for Microsoft software it doesn't use. Not that anyone should use Microsoft software, but this is yet another example of government waste. But let's keep it between us, or else The Audits Will Begin.

• In today's Internet of Things update, Philips has pushed a firmware update that "accidentally" caused all 3rd party bulbs to stop working. In Plain English, the Philips bulbs are internet-connected. Philips sent/forced an update that makes other connected bulbs stop working. Not only will your house get hacked from outside, your appliances will fight each other for dominance. The fridge will not only refuse to tell you what's inside, it will keep trying to stop the oven from working. The oven, in retaliation, will send the fridge's password to anyone who asks, resulting in it divulging its contents and people ordering food that can't fit into it. Your heater will experience sibling rivalry with the air conditioner, causing hourly changes in house temperature, similar to changes in season. Your sleep (and sex life) will be completely ruined by hackers inflating and deflating your sleep number mattress while you're in bed.

The internet and the local Fox morning show have been awash with multiple segments about Beyonce's bleeding ear. One report had fans ripping out their own earrings. Still no word about her fans' eardrums.

• According to a Men's Health magazine poll on Faceyspaces, which might explain it, half of men shave or trim their leg hair. I find this almost as perplexing as this election.

As we can all agree, this election has been a Class A Shitshow. A dumpster fire extraordinaire. The Dirty Tricks Squad<tm> has been out in force. To give you an idea of what's been happening behind the scenes, check out this video on the Clinton campaign's Agitator Program<tm>.  Be certain that this happens on both sides of the alleged aisle. And it's only going to get dirtier from here.

• In Germany, a man turned himself in to the police, admitting that he put his baby up for sale on Ebay, but it was a joke. Apparently one cannot sell a baby on Ebay - who knew? Oh yeah, the police are only referring to the family as 'refugees'.

PornHub wants everyone to know that after the scary clown sightings, searches for clown porn went through the roof. This has been a public service announcement.

• After having won the Nobel Prize for Literature, the committee cannot reach Bob to work out details. This may be the coolest thing to happen since John Lennon returned his MBE to the Queen.

I'm not sure but it's possible Samsung has declared war on China. It seems Samsung did not include China in its initial recall of its fire-prone devices.

• Chinese media says emojis should be regulated. I agree but think they should be terminated with extreme prejudice

At a recent Amy Schumer appearance, some audience members walked out over her Trump-bashing. While I believe no one should have Amy inflicted upon them, they did pay for the tickets. Would you walk out on a comic for something like this?

• Lest we think my technical criticisms of the presidential candidates is one-sided, it has been discovered that Trump's organization is using the Windows Server 2003 operating system. Again, my love for Windows aside, Microsoft discontinued support for Server 2003 last year. This is inexcusable.
• Speaking of which, my digestion has been interrupted by news that Hillary considered Bill or Melinda Gates as VP candidates. The Official Campaign Move would be Kill Bill. Bill Clinton reported to be nervous. Truly the Axis if Evil.

With Leather!

So there's a Rebecca Black Operating System. It comes with a gun so you can shoot yourself.

• The wallpapers for Ubuntu 16.04 have been revealed. Because we don't give a shit about the operating system-we're only concerned about how it looks.

Apparently we've been playing Gershwin wrong for seventy years - the taxi horns are out of tune. The joke is on the horns, as nobody I know plays Gershwin.

• Clarence Thomas just broke a ten-year silence at the Supreme Court. He farted.

A Google self-driving car hit a bus in California last month. Twelve people sued SEPTA in Philadelphia for injury.

• In news no one saw coming, a top Vatican cardinal says senior clergy lied about child sexual abuse. I think the Catholic church has jumped the shark. They have proven time and again they cannot/will not clean their own house. Absolutely no offense meant to Catholics. 

In the interest of truth in reporting, it's very telling to note the crazed reporting of Donald Trump's Secret Service detail shoving a reporter to the ground. They seem to be conveniently ignoring the picture of the reporter grabbing the Secret Serviceman's neck first. If you need any proof of biased reporting... and Trump isn't my choice - I'm just pointing this out.

• Pennsylvania diocese knew of sex abuse for decades, grand jury says. Perhaps it's time to build a new Catholic church. The old one is riddled with child molesters and cover ups.

A British company will allow women to take days off during period. I can't decide if this is just plain silly or defamatory to women.

• How to get around Ebay's latest security vulnerability. If you're not interested in why and how, start about halfway though.

Ever wonder why tv shows and movies cover up logos? Wonder no more. I like it because I see less apples.

• Still undecided on November's election? I think I have the answer to your problems: Donald Trump and Charlie Sheen! Hookers and blow in the White House, out in the open. No more sneaking them in through the back door, a la JFK. Transparency! Make the Oval Office back into the Oral Office, as it should be. Isn't it time for beautiful women in the White House? 

Seventh Day Adventist minister and nearly inaudible presidential candidate Ben Carson has said "there is no way forward" for his campaign.  He did not say he was pulling out (if that's ok with Seventh Day Adventists), just that there was no way forward and he would not be doing the opening number at the next debate.

• The Department of Defense has invited hackers to hack the Pentagon's websites. What could possibly go wrong?

If you're into music, you should see the new movie Jaco. It's about the legendary bassist Jaco Pastorius and his influence on music. Just got done watching it - highly recommended.

I just want it to be this easy.