Thursday, February 22, 2018

Smuggling Produce

There are prohibitions on taking produce from one state to the other. This also happens from country to country. It makes perfect sense; one invasive species could do untold damage to the local ecosystem. Did you know that California salami carries the risk of foot in mouth disease. Whenever I speak, I run the risk of foot in mouth disease.

A long long time ago, we visited California. My friends gave my wife something we had never seen - a blood orange. Wasn't I surprised when she whipped it out on the plane... I went white and explained the situation to her. Being an ex-Catholic, she was even more guilt-ridden. Fortunately the Fruit Police didn't profile us.

Unfortunately some different police did profile us. My luggage 'went missing' and we were told it would be delivered the next day. Perhaps my dirty clothes looked threatening when they were looking for something to steal in Baggage.

  • Somebody did something nasty at the NSA. Strangely enough, this wasn't done inside the NSA, by its employees. There was an event at the gate, resulting in three people being injured, one shot. The NSA was waiting for the FBI to get there. I guess they preferred making a phone call to putting an alert in the FBI's computers while they were 'monitoring' the FBI network.
  • Federal officials are trying to figure out what led to the incident. I'm no crime expert, but I'd say it was the vehicle trying to get past the gate.
  • The FBI said this is not terrorism. They don't know why it happened, but it isn't terrorism.

A group of scientists at my house have discovered, to no one's surprise, that cockers like Cheese Jax.

This is why you never sit over the wing.

  • Songbirds Have Brains Specially Designed to Find Mates for Life. Humans have brains that are uniquely suited to watching reality tv.

NASA (Never A Straight Answer) is going to investigate a 10,000 year old  (East) Indian rock with paintings of what looks like aliens and UFOs.

NASA's finding will be that random environmental forces combined to produce what appears to be drawings, but is just completely random. SETI (Silly  Effort To Investigate) will offer the opinion that this drawing was part of a 10,000 year old comic strip, and wasn't meant to be serious. They checked their records and SETI 10,000 years ago said the same thing.

  • Black Panther, the movie opening this week, has split white folks on whether it's ok for white children to wear the Black Panther mask. It could be seen as cultural appropriation.
  • In unrelated news, black folks are in a tizzy over whether it's ok for their children to wear Cinderella masks and long hair. It could be seen as cultural appropriation.
  • Heaven help us from white people helping us.

Thanks but no thanks: Bill Clinton has been deemed too toxic to campaign in the midterm elections. They offered the Clinton Foundation $10,000 to keep his wife home too.

  • Amazon has confirmed that sex toys have been sent to random people and they have no idea how to stop it. I want to know who complained
  • The technique, known as "verified review hacking," could involve sellers setting up dummy accounts to buy and ship their own products to strangers.
  • Amazon has set aside fifty thousand dollars to open a thief school, where potential thieves learn to steal things and send them to their own houses.
  • So if Grandma has a new spring in her step, look for the Amazon box.

Google is about to start filtering ads in the Chrome browser.
The initially great-sounding announcement should be looked at, like everything else, with great skepticism. The 'standards' Google is using are somewhat arbitrary, using results from an ad coalition pf which Google is a part. The idea is to get people to turn off their ad blockers, because Google and others make a lot of money from them. Imagine being the 5,000lb gorilla who is able to do this.

How am I going to react?
Same as always: by not using Chrome, which phones home to Google anyway.
From Chrome derivatives: nothing. Keep the damn ad blockers on, regardless.
From any other browser: keep the damn ad blockers on.

  • Scientists warn that cleaning products are as bad for you as smoking 20 cigarettes a day.  I'm glad this was discovered and plan to do neither cleaning or smoking, so as to avoid this avenue to cancer.

Faceyspaces made things a little more safe by allowing two factor authentication. In English, this means that you log in with your password, then they send a text to your cell with a code to enter. Two factors are your password  and the code. This makes it more difficult to hijack your account (unless the thief knows your password and has your phone). Unfortunately Faceyspaces is spamming people's phones. They may or may not know this is happening.

Every day is another reason I regret for not using FB.

  • So how do those smart speakers work? Check out the link - very interesting information, in case you're curious or purchased one by mistake. 
  • This technology is Future Stuff. It's wonderfully helpful. It can save you time and effort. It can control your entire house. If you can deal with the negative sides.

If you use Chrome browser, be aware that Google has decided it's the arbiter of what is and isn't an acceptable ad. It is a member of an ad coalition and will be blocking certain ads to discourage people from using ad-blockers, which cut into Google's profits. 

I don't use Chrome, but there are a number of variants (Iron, Vivaldi, Opera, etc). I recommend running your ad-blocker and there's nothing more to be done. If you're looking for a good crap blocker, install uBlock Origin. This is also available for Firefox, and is lighter than others.

  • Everybody's favorite pontiff, Pope John Paul Jones, was hailed as a miracle when he took the gig. Lately, not so much. His calls for change have upset the powers that be in the Church. The fellow he put in charge of financial reform, Cardinal George Pell, had to take an unscheduled break to deal with historical sex offense charges in his native Australia. The commission for the protection of minors contained two abuse survivors, who resigned, stating lack of progress.
  • This man has so many people mad at him that he has been offered a secular position in the Trump White House.

I like to think America leads the world in so many things, so it's downright upsetting to see other countries outperforming us. A woman in England was arrested after leaving a nasty note on an ambulance, telling them she didn't care if the whole street collapsed; they needed to move the van because they had no right to be parked there.

This is unacceptable. To find someone so downright rude and entitled outside of the US is unimaginable.

Naturally, since this was England, she was arrested on suspicion of public order offenses. The ambulance company stressed that the arrest included verbal abuse they received, which is "completely unacceptable and must stop" There are unfortunately still a handful of narrow-minded individuals who consider leaving vile abusive notes acceptable."

While the article did mention the necessity for services to perform their duties, they seemed much more upset at the 'vile note'. I love England. If you picked up an illegal knife (longer than 3") and stabbed an entire hospital ward to death, you'd be politely taken into custody. If you stabbed an entire hospital ward to death, then made a statement disparaging Muslims, you'd be thrown the the ground, beaten, and put in jail for life. And yes, I'm exaggerating, ever so slightly.

Toxicity and Privilege Report

  • That bastion of top ten thinking, Yale University, now offers a course that teaches students 'counternarratives around whiteness'.  It explores such topics as “white imagination,” “white property” and “white speech.” Follow the link: my words cannot begin to describe the abject silliness of the theme. I think I feel my White Privilege rattling.
  • USA Today asks "Are boys 'broken'? Another mass shooting renews the debate on toxic masculinity".  Toxic masculinity? Who thinks this stuff up? Do they sit around in a room coming up with concepts that don't exist and putting them out as serious? Do they get paid? Do you notice that no one would dare say something like this about women?
  • If you leave this blog with one thing, besides a headache, remember that sociology is not necessary for understanding; take it for granted that it's bad to be white, toxic to be male, and if you're a white male, you should just be jailed before you do something Really Bad. So if this blog ever stops getting updated, either my wife has killed me and disposed of my body so well that no one will ever find it, or The PC Police have finally hauled me away to prison because I'm not thinking the correct way.

Today's Hot Headline indicates that KFC is facing a shortage of chicken.
Taking it in stride, a spokesman for KFC said it was a good thing they weren't facing a shortage of Chicken-like Substance.

  • ThermionicEmissions is proud to announce its first comment to a blog post this year. Never mind that it was spam - it was nice to see it.

Philadelphia has announced it's going to stop Porch Pirates. For those of us un-hip enough to know, Porch Pirates follow delivery trucks around and steal boxes left on porches or steps. Furthermore, Philly will also be stopping bank robberies and illegal gun sales. With legislation. Some might say Philly is an unrealistically optimistic city. Others would say Philly is silly.

Philly will be having a very large suicide march shortly. They did not indicate whether they were trying to stop it or encourage it. The following week, Philly will be holding a dance-in for gun violence.

  • For all the women screaming about inequality, here's progress: Sacramento Assemblywoman Cristina Garcia (allegedly) fired an employee for refusing to play "spin the bottle" with her, during a drunken party.  This is the second accusation for Garcia, who is on voluntary, unpaid leave. Never doubt yourself, ladies.. you can do anything a man can do.

Something odd happened today at work. I was waiting for some help from another department and I saw an attractive woman. Not just "work hot", she was pretty. This is a once a year (or more) occurrence. Someone told me about minority hires and here was the proof. Apparently we need to hire one attractive person for the entire corporation or hundreds of very good looking people will mill about, out front, with signs (that have spelling errors).

I figured this must be my lucky day, but it got better: she smiled and said hello.
I smiled and said hello, trying not to spit on her or say anything (more) stupid.
I can talk to almost any woman, just making observations or funny comments. But put an attractive woman in front of me who I might like to get to know better and I become a stuttering fool, with traces of blithering idiot. Fortunately I don't have to do that anymore, or my wife will get very angry.

An employee of this department came in, donned a wide grin, and said good morning to her. Then he saw me... and said hi.
I turned to her and asked if she noticed the difference in greetings. Like most people, she had no idea what I was talking about.
I explained, she laughed, and that was the extent of our interaction. 
I give it three weeks until she gets transferred out of sight.

  • George Clooney, tired of adoration and good will, is eyeing a 2020 run for president.
  • George believes in gun control and donates to the Southern Poverty Law Center, a terrorist organization. Need we say more?

Due to the current 'opioid crisis', officials are turning to acupuncture for chronic  pain. Many insurances would not cover acupuncture as of a few years ago. Oh, the irony. You better watch out - the insurers might cover chiropractic soon...

  • Today's Best Headline: UberEATS driver charged with killing customer. Behold the new era of dog eat dog customer service. Sometimes it's a game to see who kills whom first. Extra points for eating the body.

The Louisville men's basketball team has to give up its 2013 national championship. All this because of allegations that a former staff member arranged for strippers and hookers at their dormitory. I don't know much about sports, but I do know you need to keep morale high. And what better way to keep morale up, so to speak, than strippers and hookers? This is patently unfair to the good men of the team. The results obviously showed, as they won the championship.  Coaches, recruiters, and professional teams should take notice of this finding.

  • "Kill the NRA" sign appears on a billboard.
  • Reminds me of a saying: the NRA is the only group that gets blamed for what none of its members do.

Using the Freedom of Information Act, people got hold of all sorts of tapes and documentation of an October 2017 UFO sighting, that launched F-15 fighters to intercept it. The UFO then became invisible to radar. While there is no conclusion and the UFO disappeared, the article is full of information relevant to the event.

This is not only notable for the documentation and process, but that there was any information released at all. Normally when researchers start investigating, the object 'did not appear on radar' and 'there is no documentation because there is no investigation.' I know NOTHING. I see NOTHING.

I again did battle with my arch nemesis: the vacuum. Vacuum tubes are pretty damn fun and they sound good, regardless of the few hundred volts required to operate them. Vacuum cleaners, however, have bedeviled me since I moved into the house.

My mom tells me that when I was little, I went to people's houses to visit and took apart their vacuums. I have no knowledge of this, but my mom isn't quite given to being this creative. I think I was just antisocial before the age of eight and there were no computers to play with.

All this apparently changed recently.
At one time there were two semi-adults with long hair, plus a cat and a dog. This produced enough hair to build several full size Hair Sheep on the carpets. No problem - I'll vacuum.


I'm not old enough to be a man who grumbles GET OFF MY LAWN and They Sure Don't Make Em Like They Used To (except for cars, which are way too damn small). However, I am forced to, by the performance of vacuums. There's a vague memory of childhood and an ugly blue vacuum that rolled on the floor, with a hose coming out of it. The voices are saying "Electrolux", so they're probably the ones who took apart the vacuums when I was little. You could drag this vacuum behind a car for twelve miles and it would come back into the house (hopefully not by itself) and do the same wonderful job it always had (provided you remembered to change the bag). Everybody had one like this and no one ever had any problems.. they just worked.

Now, as you'd expect, the machines are mostly upright and made out of plastic. They are available at all price points from $99 to $2,000, with Straight Sucking, Wind Tunnel, Cyclone, and Full Blown Tornado picking up options. The joke is on the buyers because none of them work any better than the others. The colors become more attractive as one spends more, plus they're rated in amps. Here's the marketing secret: amps denotes how much electricity the motor pulls from the wall socket. It has absolutely nothing to do with how well the vacuum sucks. One assumes that because the number is larger, the vacuum is better. Although it is possible, this is not the rating that is important.

So we bought a middle of the road vacuum. Which worked for two weeks, then choked. At this point, you have no choice but to become an expert in taking apart vacuums, diagnosing, and fixing them. Or buying a new one every few months.

The next few were cheap, and worked just as well as the others, sometimes better. Then caught fire and tried to burn the house down. One trembled and disintegrated. One tried to electrocute the cat. And all of them kept choking on hair. After a quick hair removal, I noticed huge grooves in the bar, for the hair to fall into and collect, until it failed to operate. Ever the helpful little bastard, I called the vacuum company and suggested they make the grooves much more narrow, so the hair wouldn't be tempted to collect. The lady thanked me and said she'd pass it on to the engineers. Unbeknownst to me, she did pass it on to the engineers, who had a wild party, with booze and hookers, and read all the stupid suggestions sent in by poor schmucks users of the vacuums. As one would expect, mine got the most laughter, and was second only to the suggestion that they design the vacuums to last more than a few months. Even the hookers laughed at that one.

Then there's the Oreck, featured in commercials, holding up a bowling ball. We purchased one, overjoyed by the bowling ball trick, knowing it would help us in this very difficult and solemn task. I turned it on, it ate up some pantyhose, and immediately broke. So much for Oreck.

I'm not disparaging all vacuums. Our current unit is a Shark. Or Badger. Or Cyclone. Or something. I must admit that this vacuum has held together frighteningly well. It would have to, as it has to pick up tons of debris and hair, plus survive becoming airborne when it pisses me off. Which is does often.

It really picks things up; the hallmark of a good vacuum. Or any vacuum, really. It's easy to empty, requires no bag, and hasn't met a pair of pantyhose yet that it didn't like. Except it chokes. Then I spend the next fifteen minutes on my knees, with a scalpel or boxcutters, freeing the beater from the hair, dirt, and small cars it has sucked up.

My wife is having none of this and blames it all on me. Of course, this could apply to anything in the house (or out of the house). She doesn't say YOU, but I know who she's talking to, when she gets mad and says no vacuum in the WORLD will pick up the mess from only vacuuming once a month. I resent this, as I vacuum every other month. Then she tells me one cannot simply vacuum, one must rake. My head is turning around like John Cleese in Fawlty Towers, looking for some sign of intelligence in a dark tunnel.

Wife pulls out this device I have never seen before in my life. It looks like a really beefy windshield wiper blade, but shorter and more businesslike. She proceeds to 'rake', picking up small bundles of gunk that frighten the cat because they're bigger than he is. Apparently I am supposed to go around the house, on my knees, raking the carpet before I vacuum.

I have to draw the line somewhere, and this looks like a really good place for it.


I will not use two devices to clean rugs. God, or Charles Manson, gave us the vacuum to clean carpets completely, not requiring pre-treatment, like a rug shampooer.

The other day, the vacuum decided to pull a variation on not working whereby it moved the dirt around, but sucked just enough dirt to make it look like it might be working. I did not like this one bit, as I don't like to have to think on weekends, especially when it involves troubleshooting vacuums. Once again I got out the surgical kit and removed the detritus from the beater, creating a pile of hair I wish I could somehow attach to my head. Once again I resumed vacuuming and the vacuum resumed pushing the dirt around. It had temporarily outsmarted me and was laughing ever so slightly that I couldn't hear it if I didn't listen for it. The vacuum has a light at the bottom to tell you it's ok, or it's clogged, or perhaps I should really leave vacuuming to someone who doesn't have the patience of a very upset five year old. The light was green, which obviously meant something was wrong.

It finally hit me... it was clogged.
This vacuum has a lot of parts. Metal parts, plastic parts, body parts, and hoses. In fact, it has more hoses when taken apart than when assembled. I finally located the clog, forty feet into one hose. Have you ever tried to shine a flashlight through a forty foot hose to see if it's clogged? They go around corners, you know.

I got out my Johnny Home Colonoscopy Kit, which features that long, flexible hose they put up your butt to see if there's any bad stuff there, or just because they enjoy putting flexible hoses up your butt and getting paid large amounts in the process. After locating the clog, I convened a panel to discuss how to remove it, being in the forty foot hose. Pens were out, as were telescoping back scratchers, wombats (I didn't have any), and the cat (he's dead). So I did what every manly man does... I banged it on the floor in a manly way. I didn't have to listen at all to hear the vacuum openly mocking me.

One small rodent later, one end of the clog got loose. This time when I banged it on the floor, more came out. I held it to the light because I like making the same mistake several times. By then, the telescoping back scratcher worked, with the imitation hand on the end grabbing pieces of gunk. Twenty minutes later, the vacuum was completely free of obstructions, including my foot. The resultant mass on the carpet looked roughly like Whoopie Goldberg, only taller and less annoying.

Tired but energized from my first win, I started to vacuum.
And (I want my wife to read this) I did it without a rake, hoe, or shovel. It looks good. So I'll see you in a month or two.

And in the end, all there is to say is, "This vacuum sucks."
Or doesn't.

this entry passed the spellcheck with no hiccups. I wouldn't read it.

Sunday, February 18, 2018

F- Off, I'm Having a Bad Day

Well, I'm not, but that fellow in England who just got pulled over by the nice policeman probably is.

That phrase was on a bumper sticker. The nice policeman kept pointing out that this was no good; somebody could take offense (offence in Britain). So it had to come off.

The US has no shortage of issues with hurt feelings but the First Amendment covers us, sort of. We're not all that concerned about someone taking a fence. It's astounding to me. Also astounding is the absolute look of shock in the eyes of the police when someone says a bad word. They threaten to arrest them for Public Order. Citizens of England: you better stop this before your government outlaws offensive thoughts.

ThermionicEmissions has been here approximately seven years.
Time flies when you're... ummm... here.

No Idea Where I Am

The above phrase denotes location, and when there's a location issue, we just know another Garmin Rant<tm> is coming.

And we're right!

First we went guitar and device shopping. This is traditionally a total failure, and we were not disappointed. With hundreds of guitars all over the walls, there were three low line lefties. That is par for the course, so it wasn't a big deal. I spent my time looking for deals on amplifiers and pedals, none of which presented themselves to me as a deal or a must-have.

So it was the wife's turn to shop, but we weren't sure where the store was. Hey, let's ask the Garmin.

The definition of stupid is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

I joked about what happened the last time I used the Garmin... it tends to make me very angry. As the address went into the infernal device, it appeared that I was not the only person upset by the Little Black Box from Hell. It couldn't find the listing for the store. Every other store, yes; this one, no.

Why didn't you use a different device, like maybe your phone, you ask. Good question. The answer is that last time we used three different devices, all of which tried to make us drive into the water, to a different state.

Finally the address came up and we were off.  Really far off.
The long and short of the trip was that it was two turns down the road. This will be pretty easy to remember for next time, if there is a next time.

The five minute trip took a total of one hour.

The Garmin told us to go down the street a bit and make a right at "Street". I don't know about you, but I'm willing to bet there are no streets in the state called Street. There is a Street Road (no, really), but it was about an hour away. So we took a guess and turned onto Street. Went to the end. It told us to make a left. Into a parking garage. I'm a good sport, so I made a left into the parking garage, thinking we were taking a shortcut through the garage. Heh heh.

Following the EXIT signs, we came out exactly where we were when the black box told us to make a left (into the parking lot). My temperature was headed up. As the navigator, her job was to procure the directions and communicate them at less volume than a 767 taking off, or a Slayer concert, whichever is louder. The literal temperature in the car went up twenty degrees. The passengers had become quiet because they sensed war, and trusted the Garmin almost as much as we did.

I headed them off at the pass, but was foiled at every intersection by stop signs that only applied to me. Before you go thinking that my mind has finally gone south due to extreme paranoia, I must explain that we were in a large shopping complex, with complex turns. All stores were outside, like a long, winding, tortuous mall without a roof. The stop signs were all pointed at mall traffic, not street traffic, so we had to wait for street traffic to stop. The joke was on us... the street traffic never stopped.

Visually, we had one long block to go. Timewise, we might have been home before we got the length of the block. The little black box that caused explosions outside it was so friendly as to let us know to make a turn onto "Street" at the end of the block. We persevered until Street. What are the odds that a state would have two Streets within yards of each other? Thirty minutes later, I pulled the car into a handicapped spot. In lieu of a handicapped tag, I just left the Garmin hanging from the mirror, tied like a noose. The police would understand.

I'm here for your pleasure. Someone should derive pleasure from my misfortunes. Also my fortunes, should they ever occur. Statistically, they will, but statistics are pretty bad on the when. According to the many statisticians who read this blog, fortune will in fact occur; definitely by the time I am unable to type or change my diapers.

The universe is a strange place. The Universe really gets off on screwing with people, under the guise of helping them. Everything is related, according to Dirk Gently, and many other people who like phrases. The problem here is that one has to put this cryptic system together until it makes sense. This is virtually impossible, given phrases like "you will know then" and "maintaining operational readiness." It's like the bible, Shakespeare, and what the dead allegedly say to the living. It makes absolutely no sense and you're left wondering why they can't simply explain it to you in English. Because that would ruin all the fun.

Although I too can't understand the bible, Shakespeare and the dead, sometimes I see the results.... usually in hindsight, like a smack upside the head with a small foreign car. The car always loses.

So in hindsight, I figured out why I couldn't find anything to spend money on at the guitar shop: my idiot employer submitted incorrect information and I now have a tax bill that would purchase many guitars.

Stop laughing - it gets better. This bill was for a few years ago. Every year I'm going to get another bill until this clears up. You may now continue laughing. I haven't had this much fun since the IRS failed to steal enough of my money in taxes and I came up with a bill that made my head spin around and spit pea soup. And then I got mad. I actually upset the IRS, as they told my wife when she spoke to them.

One of the truisms in life is that you can't fight city hall. In fact, you can't even get in touch with city hall. I called and was put on hold but assured that their best people would be with me as soon as they were done assisting other customers.  I was assured of this repeatedly over the next thirty minutes, right up until the message changed... "We are open til five o'clock. Please call back during business hours." [CLICK].

They honestly felt bad for me, so they sent me an envelope. In it was their sincere apology and a high-level personal contact to help move this along.  Of course I'm kidding.. it was another bill, with another stack of money added in for interest, Getting Hung Up On Fee, Calling on a Friday Fee, and Affixing Postage to the Envelope Fee.

By this time, I had stopped spitting pea soup and went to blood instead. Whose blood was not important at the time. I went to call them, because it worked so well last time (see the theme here?). There was one phone number, for payments. I dug around and found another number. All circuits were busy.  BUSY? What is this - 1980? Did we overwhelm the entire city's phone network? Or was the phone company also given the day off for the Eagles parade (2 days early)?

Speaking of which, there is a public transportation lottery to see who will be allowed to board public transportation to the parade. Entire stations will be closed and bypassed. With public and parochial schools closed, people taking off work, denizens of the area, and people working in the area taking 'extended lunches', it should be a real blast. I'll probably be the only one at work.

Great.. now I've depressed myself.
But in a sadly amused and creative way.

  • Sometimes stuff seems so obvious that I scream at the tv screen or the computer monitor because they're so stupid. A perfect example was the aforeblogged news story about the government UFO secret program that studied UFOs for a few years. As I pointed out, we've been studying UFOs since at least 1947, probably longer. The facts are not hidden at all.
  • Another ridiculous excuse handed out by SETI and others is lifeforms from so incredibly far away could never visit us because it would take several forevers to get here. This sounds like an acceptable answer, provided you don't think about it for longer than about ten seconds. Forgive my fuzziness on the topic but there is a thing called the Einstein-Rosen Bridge, which is essentially a wormhole. Obviously we can't test it just now, but it's a theory, and that Einstein fellow sure was bright. I think it's safe to assume that aliens can be thousands or millions of years ahead of us, so isn't it possible they have the Einstein-Rosen thing figured out - or its replacement?
  • Keep in mind I'm not saying that the unidentified flying things seen in the air contain alien life. I'm just countering more than one excuse at a time.
  • Take a moment. Get to your Quiet Space. Now imagine handing an android tablet to Ben Franklin. What would he do with it? Would he be able to understand and operate it?
  • It's exhausting, always being right.

Good News/Bad News

Congress just put together a budget.

The good news:
  • Congress just put together a budget.
  • it is a bipartisan effort
The news you were expecting:
  • It will require one more stopgap bill to keep the government allegedly running until March
  • It will last two years
  • It will add $380 TRILLION to our spending
  • It will require Congress to increase the debt limit, as the bottom-dwelling self-serving scum-sucking subhumans do every budget, along with stalling.
  • Congress wants to thank you for all the cards, letters, and good wishes, and would like you to know that their free healthcare will continue, with no deductibles or copayments, forever, despite any other healthcare crisis that the entire country may or may not be experiencing.
The commentary:
  • One republican said he won't vote for it even if President Trump calls him and asks for his vote (somebody read The Art of the Deal ).
  • Nancy Pelosi said there was no way she'd vote for it and gave a multi-hour filibuster on why president... uhh.. .Bush.. no.. Obama.. was wrong for this country, especially considering the healthcare crisis for Uranus. Furthermore, the rain in plane stays currently on the can, which affects the brain flowers that cause ammoniamentia in puppies.
  • The president got more money for the Pentagon. So, you know, we'll all be safer. Unless, of course, we work in the Pentagon and a small drone happens to crash into it, producing four entire frames of video.
  • The dems got more money for social causes, like the opioid crisis, because throwing tons of money at problems always fixes them.
  • The country and future generations got screwed, so no change there.

If at first you don't succeed, being awake may not be for you.

  • So there's this new, magic technology that can put faces on bodies, in decent, believable quality video. Naturally this has been adopted by porn, so a celebrity face goes on a porn star body. This is called Deepfake. As much fun as this sounds, the spoilsports at Reddit, Twtter, and Pornhub have banned them. The social networks are doing what you'd expect, but when adult sites do it, you know the legal team has had their say. To be fair, we get this.

A gender equality campaigner from London has received general praise from men and women on the internet for having a 'smashing pair of tits.' A Faceyspaces occupant posted gender equality content on her page and within an hour, had 2,000 comments that she had a stupendous set of mammalian protuberances.

If the picture in the article is the person mentioned, the commenters are dead on. Even straight women are commenting in a positive fashion. I never suspected how wonderful social media could be.  Had this happened in America, there would be rampant aneurysms in collegiate circles, fainting, and Unbelievable Outrage all over social media. In response, there would be Unbelievable Hilarity from the Social Media Joy Squad, having a poke at the Fainting Feminists. It makes great reading.

As this is in England, the commentors had better watch out, because you can be hauled down to the pokey for making 'rude' comments. Wouldn't want to offend anybody Over There, would we?

  • Digressing for a moment (as usual), Philadelphia Police have stopped showing up for run of the mill crimes. The only sure way to bring them around is to say 'gun' in your call.
  • In England, it would appear that bringing the police becomes a much easier feat if you tell them that people are hurling racial slurs out in the open. It appears that the worst crime you can commit is hurting someone's feelings.
  • Keep in mind that my England knowledge comes from Monty Python and, for current day information, English police shows.

  • You simply can't out-parody reality department: Antifa disrupts Swedish  LGBT parade because 'Gays are offensive to Muslims...'
  • It would appear that this worldwide anti-fascist group is behaving in a fascist manner. The irony is obviously lost on them.

President Trump has addressed the National Prayer Breakfast, because screw the First Amendment - we need to prove we're holy. At least to court the religious backers.

  • Just in case you were bored, Richard Pryor's widow tells us that Richard slept with Marlon Brando. “It was the ’70s!” she said. “Drugs were still good, especially quaaludes. If you did enough cocaine, you’d f–k a radiator and send it flowers in the morning.” Read this - it's great.

Spirit Airlines suggested a passenger flush her emotional support hamster down the loo. Spirit wouldn't allow the rodent on the plane, even though the student checked in advance. They deny saying it.  Meanwhile, United Airlines is partying because it wasn't them this time.

I can't say more: my emotional support elephant is getting very upset.

  • Upset because they haven't been in the news for anything stupid this week, California announced it will block the transportation of petroleum from new offshore oil rigs, a Trump administration program.
  • California just won the award for most congested driving. I am going to consult for the California Department of Transportation. Although I will pad my services out for several years, the award-winning proposition will be writing TRUMP on the dirt of the trucks that bring fuel into California. In less than a day, there will be no gasoline in the entire state, hence no traffic. I'll make millions!

This security researcher decided to set up her apartment as a Smart Home. With a little help from her friend, she set up monitoring to see what the devices collected and where they sent it to. Before you die of suspense, every device collected information and sent it upstream to the manufacturer and marketers. Precisely as I said. But you should read the article anyway, to get an idea of how everything worked. The conclusion is very interesting too, although it wouldn't exactly be mine.

I'm not sure how I'd set things up if these devices were in  my house. If you stop your data from being sent, you won't get updates for the devices. The data, meanwhile, builds a profile of what you do and when. What time you're home. Exactly what you watched on tv and when. Pictures of you (and the baby), walking around, possibly naked or half-dressed. Maybe using the couch for something other than sitting.

The truly sad part is that in 1984 (the book), you watched the tv and the tv watched you. Your smart tv is already watching you. You might put cameras in the house too; at this point, you've already done the spy agencies' job for them.   The devices promise, and sometimes deliver, convenience. Why is the paranoid lunatic from that blog so against the Internet of Things? Sure I'd like a few.. but the downside isn't worth it. Take a moment and think about that.

Not addressed here is the fact that the majority of IoT devices are insecure by design, so 'others' can potentially see what you're doing.

  • Elon Musk launched a rocket. A private firm. This is pretty big. If it continues, we may infect surrounding planets with our presence. If there was any time for the aliens to make themselves known, it's probably now.
  • There is documented history of nuclear weapons being interfered with, concurrent with unknown aerial objects at close range. This is information only - you're free to do the research and draw your own conclusions.

A local concert venue just let me know tickets are on sale for Tony Bennett and Gov't Mule. Hopefully not at the same time.

  • Look.. if I don't turn you into a raving acutely aware person, let some scientists do it: A team of scientists from around the world confirmed millions of viruses rising into the atmosphere, traveling — sometimes for thousands of miles — and falling back down to the surface. All of the sudden, agoraphobia is starting to sound pretty good, isn't t?

Male dogs win the Westminster dog show almost twice as often as females.
Hollywood is now wearing brown, in sympathy with fur. All colleges are now on strike for gender equality and demanding that male dogs be excluded from the show.

  • Covered up by OXFAM, the charity's rescue workers paid refugees for sex, while helping in earthquake-torn Haiti.
  • The US military has been said to be almost an invading force to women in countries where they are stationed. I'd say OXFAM is a giant step up: they actually compensated the people they had sex with.  This provided the prostitutes a job amid all the destruction and kept volunteer morale up, so to speak. Win-win.

Thursday, February 15, 2018


Gravy Train, Kibbles ‘N Bits, & Skippy Dog Foods have been recalled due to the presence of pentobarbital, used for euthanasia.

They are put out by J.M. Smucker, which claims that there is an insufficient amount of the chemical to cause damage, but they are recalling it.  Of course, they're investigating it.

The FDA is investigating another pet food company with the same chemical contaminant, from 2016.  How does this happen?

I don't know about you, but I want the culprit caught and penalized. Perhaps a nice meal, featuring pentobarbital.

Several years back, China contaminated a large amount of food. They almost killed Marshall's cat and cost us large amounts of money at the vet. Naturally there was no prosecution. To be fair, I would have stopped short of the nuclear option.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

TMZ is FB for Television

My wife is establishing how deeply she hates me: TMZ is on the television.

No matter how frequently it happens, I still go completely red in the face, as in blood boiling. Then make some sort of negative comment, as is absolutely necessary. The other day I came up with TMZ is like Faceyspaces for television. She thought about it and agreed, smiling. What she doesn't know is that I know the smile was for the reference and the fact that she turns it on just to piss me off.

  • Speaking of Valentine's Day, what do you get the lady who wants everything? Shoes, obviously.
  • What do you get the guy who wants things that are sometimes worth more than a house? Rolos, apparently.

Valentine's Day is the day named after St. Valentine. St. Valentine used to be known as Valentine, because they were so poor back then, they couldn't afford first names.  Valentine, as was customary in those times, was married to Mrs. Valentine. They lived simply because, as I mentioned, they were poor (stay with me here).  Valentine was known throughout the area, not for his deeds, so much as the fact that Mrs. Valentine was a raving bitch from hell. She was the kind of woman they burned at the stake; not because she was a witch, but because she annoyed the hell out of everyone, including pets. And those little rodents that might be moles or voles or elephant shrews - nobody cared about biology in those days.

One particularly miserable day, Valentine set out to buy his wife some flowers. This kept the bitching and carping down to a manageable level. He visited Flow, the flower guy, who apologized that he was out of flowers. Out of flowers? What kind of flower guy are you? Flow explained that in their village of Filthyralfia, it rained so much, the flowers drowned. When it wasn't raining, there was no sun to make them grow.

Meanwhile, Mrs. Valentine was on a tear, bringing grief and destruction to the people of the town. Starting with the priest and working her way down to the rubbish people, she made sure to insult each one of them personally. She considered her job very important and brought great skill and commitment to it. Some of the peasants formed a Village Watch and would let the others know when she was near. Grown men would hide under their houses and poke their ears out, rather than listen to one syllable from Mrs. Valentine.

Valentine had to walk ten miles, in the rain and gloom, to find a florist in the next town. He was struck by the sun there, and the fact it wasn't raining. He purchased their finest bouquet of roses (roses were initially brown, just like everything else in those days) and made the ten mile trek back to his village.

He gave the roses to Mrs. Valentine, who had only seen roses on television (they were poor but very advanced).  Then the most amazing thing happened: she stopped bitching. For five whole minutes.

A cheer went up into the air.
The village cried with joy. Children came down from the trees. The carnival re-opened. Pets walked the streets, unmolested.

From then on, Valentine was known as St. Valentine. Every year, men bought their wives roses (although the wives didn't shut up for any length of time). Or whatever they could find in the village. The date was February 14th, as close as they could tell, because most of them could not read or write.  

And they all lived happily ever after. Especially St. Valentine, who eventually shacked up with the florist's wife, since the florist never seemed to do anything useful anyway. And that, children, is how we got domestic partnership.

  • In celebration of Valentine's Day, there has not been a murder in Baltimore in ten days. Experts, who get paid a lot of money to make this stuff up and go on tv, theorize that the murderers don't want to buy anything for their ladies, so they made themselves scarce. Expect the murders to go back to normal next week.

Former Canadian Minister of Defence, Paul Hellyer, has come out and said the Illuminati is real and running things from the background. You may recognize Hellyer as the hoser who said ufos are real and there are real foreigners visiting.

To some, Mr. Hellyer is a conspiracy loon.
To those of us in the know (or just passing by this blog), he's largely correct.
The irony is that most of this is in the open now, or starting to creep in.

  • What kind of health insurance do pirates use?

If you get goosebumps from listening to music, your brain might be special, according to Matthew Sachs. His study showed people who strongly connect with music have more dense fibers between auditory and emotional parts of the brain. Whether this proves anything or not, Sachs won't tell anybody. Furthermore, when listening to Led Zeppelin, pungent smoke started to appear out of nowhere.

The study also showed that people who listen to Kanye and Niki Manaj have no brain at all.

  • A Malaysian newspaper published an article on how to spot a gay. Nobody knows why. Homosexuality is illegal in Malaysia and good for twenty years in the pokey, so to speak.
  • Gay men could be identified by their love of beards and the way they checked out other men at the gym. Lesbians hug each other and belittle men.
  • In reality, trans people can be identified by some combination of boobies and a penis, that just don't seem to go well together.
  • Lesbians do not belittle men: feminists do, as do feminist men. Lesbians can be identified by their eyebrows going up when you say BOOBIES. They are extremely fun to watch girls with.
  • Gay men.... well... stereotypes don't come from a vacuum. Sweater tied around the neck, owning a Yorkie, and belittling the clothes women wear are all sure signs there's a homo about. Another dead giveaway is having sex with men.

According to the Linguistic Society of America, there are close to 7,000 distinct languages on the planet (not counting New Jersey). As of recently, there are close to 7,001 languages, as one was discovered on the Malay Peninsula.

Maybe they have a specific slur for Malaysians. My multi-year search has turned up nothing.

  • Lifehacker, is a very interesting and helpful site, featuring great tips and, well.. hacks. Today they wanted to let us know that if you put lemon in water, you get no magic properties, like detox - you just get lemon water. These guys are sharp.

The sun came out today.
People were covering their eyes. Wondering what that strange light in the sky was. Praying to the gods. Setting grain aside. Watering their dead daisies. Hope began to appear in all who saw it.

Not to worry. In ten minutes it was gone.

  • I would like to share with you the lyrics to a song I just heard on a commercial. The wisdom and sensitivity of the words is inspirational. "Imma do it like dis, Imma do it like dat."  I hope these words stay with you as long as they stay with me.

The day has finally come... Hip hop is now the largest selling music in the country. This goes to show that, like the Kardashians, just because it sells well doesn't mean it is any good. My soul cries out in pain.

We know I'm a little bit off on very popular culture, so please bear with me. You know that show with the fat bleach blond mom who rode a scooter and had a daughter who might have been a beauty pageant contestant? It had an incredibly stupid name.  In any case, Mom (Momma June?) lost a few hundred pounds and now has her own show. Do you need further proof we're in End Times? As a person who likes words, I cannot possibly describe the blight on society these reality shows constitute. Everybody has had their fifteen minutes and now we're just scraping the bottom of the barrel.

You don't watch them. I don't watch them. But like spam, somebody's clicking on it...

  • People in England purchased tickets for the Reading Festival, then wished they could unpurchase them. The lineup, typically rock, is mostly rap and other assorted garbage. One person said they were selling their expensive tickets for 17p because that's all they were worth. It's happening all over the world, folks.

Germany has ruled Faceyspaces is out of order.

"Facebook collects and uses personal data without providing enough information to users to constitute meaningful consent." They make it too difficult to find the settings too.

Unfortunately this is Germany only. 

I have to be fair: as a libertarian, I'm against government regulation. As nice as it would be to stop Faceyspaces from collecting ridiculous amounts of information by default, it's the user's responsibility to read the privacy policy and make the necessary adjustments. Or better yet, not sign up for a Faceyspaces account.

Children Are Our Future department

Princeton held a class on Free Speech.
You know what's coming, right?

The teacher said 'nigger'.
A student yelled 'fuck you'.
Some students walked out.
And the class was canceled.

What have have the students learned here? 
The SJW who whines loudest gets what he wants. Especially if he can get a 'racist' in there somewhere. Somehow I don't think this will be helpful in their careers.  Aside from the death of sense, the people who should be really upset are the parents, who are paying what amounts to a house for tuition.

A high school teacher jumped on the #MeToo bandwagon because her students were touching her and emailing her inappropriately. This was a week after another teacher went public with similar accusations.

What have the students learned here?
You have to sexually harass your target just enough to upset them, but not enough to go to the authorities.

aside:  I performed at Princeton. Never have I seen a better-educated, more polite, and smart audience. My group's song parody act ran about thirty minutes at the time. We did over an hour because of the applause and encouragement. It was the only place anybody got some of our political humor. It must've changed or something.

  • French president Emmanuel Macron said that 'France will strike' if proven chemical bombs were used in Syria.
  • The entire country stands behind President Macron and is currently printing up signs and practicing calling out from work.

A study found that self-deprecating humor is linked to greater psychological wellbeing.

If I weren't such an idiot, I might agree.

  • Kansas has ruled that a dog cannot run for governor. The dog was submitted as a candidate after a few teenagers were submitted, after some wag discovered there was nothing in the rules about age.
  • Angus, a Vizsla, is described as a “caring, nurturing individual who cares about the best for humanity and all creatures other than squirrels.”
  • Upon hearing about the ruling, Princeton canceled all classes and France went on strike.

STOCK TIP - because you get your best market info from some weird blog

Invest in corn starch and talcum powder futures.
The way people are sending white powder to politicians, there's going to be a mad run on it.

  • Iran accused the West of using lizards for nuclear spying. Because their skin 'attracted atomic waves'.
  • The West is just angry because Iran deliberately keeps being next to Iraq on the map.
  • A little-known secret is that the Kardashians are Iranian. 
  • It's all over: Iran won.

Monday, February 12, 2018

He's Dead, Jim

Sometimes, they are all out to get you department:

It's my wife's communicator, Jim. In the 2000s, we call them cell phones.
Through a combination of negligence, volume, and evil, that phone is out to get me.

At first, I thought it was just her forgetfulness... she went to another part of the house and just left the phone near me. It would BEEP, whirl, and whizz at random intervals. This is annoying enough, but the RING is the worst. This phone has some amazing audio and the ringer is turned all the way up, so she can hear it if she leaves it in the next state over (or the basement, whichever is further away). Dead people rise from their eternal slumber when it rings. I can't find it, but I swear the thing has a subwoofer somewhere.

Then I thought about it for a while and wondered if, instead of forgetfulness, it might be passive-aggressive, so she leaves the phone near me because she knows that when it rings, I hit the ceiling. But she's not like that.. she'll jump right up and tell me she hates me instead of dancing around the phone.

I'm sitting there, minding my own business, making all this shit up for the blog, using my ability to type really quickly, with almost 80% inaccuracy, and then the evil thing RINGS. It wakes up the half-deaf dog and I have to pull myself down from the ceiling, or the roof at times. So I asked nicely if she could take the phone with her whenever she walks out of the room. No problem, she said. Unfortunately, she never remembers the phone when she walks out of the room or her promise to take it with her.  So I remind her again, with the patience of a kindergarten teacher. She apologizes and walks out of the room without the phone. It is obvious I have lost this war.

Actually she's doing much better. The phone only terrorizes me eight hours a day. I didn't notice it as much as the ceiling, which sent me flowers and told me it missed me. So I'm sitting on the toilet, doing what men do (surfing for porn local news), when I hear RINNNNNNNNG and head up to visit my friend, the ceiling. It requested that next time, I pull my pants up before visiting.

The only possible explanation is that the phone had somehow managed to beam itself to the bathroom, where it laid in wait for me. It waited until I was in the Internet Zone and completely relaxed, before it let out another inhuman blast. I made loud, intense screaming noises, which brought its owner to the vicinity. She suggested I answer it. I suggested she perform an anatomically impossible act.

I haven't slept for four days, for fear of the evil device sneaking onto my bedside table, waiting until I drift off, then RINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG.

  • IMPORTANT: since Valentine's Day is coming, Dunkin Donuts is again featuring Brownie Batter donuts (for about 2 weeks). They're heart-shaped, with chocolate frosting on top, and what one could only call brownie batter inside. I don't get paid for this. In fact, I don't even get a damn free donut. But they're that good, so get one before they stop making them til next year.

Safer Internet Day is February 6.
Who names this stuff?
To celebrate, click on any old link, and send someone your credentials. Extra points for banking login and password.

  • What online sex toys can teach you about secure coding. This article features the groundbreaking Panty Buster, and is readable by most people.
  • What if someone on the internet could take control of your intimate toy?
  • On the other hand, what if someone on the internet could take control of your internet toy?
  • WARNING: if you're going to test the theory, I'd suggest not wearing them to work.

Nestle will stop producing "Walnut Whips" because the name encourages sexual violence to men. I had to read the article to figure out how the name encourages sexual violence to men. And who could possibly have complained.. perhaps men are taking their cues from Social Justice Warriors. In case you don't want to click on the link, it refers to the practice of a man getting his testicles hit with a riding crop. The pursuit of knowledge is a good thing, but... perhaps this is slightly preferable to getting one's testicles crushed by a high heel, but let's just leave that to the imagination (and the people who enjoy this sort of thing).

  • Pope Francis received a 2015 letter from a victim of abuse by a Chilean priest, detailing the abuse. Pope Francis claimed no one came forward.
  • It is time to shut down what could be the largest crime syndicate on the planet. From the abusive priests all the way up the line. People should practice their religion but those up top are complicit in this crime (and others).

College Strikes Again!

Once again Campus Reform went on campus, this time to John Jay college in New York City. The students heard quotes they believed were from President Trump's State of the Union address and hated them. They hated them, then they found out they were from President Obama's State of the Union address. 

  • The next governor of Michigan could be Abdul El-Sayed, a 33-year-old doctor and son of an Egyptian immigrant. A muslim.
  • What could possibly go wrong?

Esmond Bradley Martin, investigator of elephant and rhino horn trades and protector, was found stabbed to death in his home in Kenya.

So sad. Someone has to speak for the animals.

What do you suppose he did to piss off the Clintons?

  • More powerful than a C-130, two and a half times as fast as a speeding bullet, able to kill, destroy and mutilate foreign countries. Look. Up in the sky! It's a drone. It's a Concorde! It's The Valkyrie II, which will circle the globe in 3 hours or less. 
  • Because Boeing needs to feed their kids too. With your tax dollars.

Two for the Price of One

Bisphenol A (BPA) is found in plastic containers and water bottles. In use since the 1960s, it mimics the female hormone estrogen (oestrogen if you live in Blighty). This leaves 90% of teenagers with gender-messing chemicals in their bodies. It has been linked to type 2 diabetes and heart disease, as well as declining male fertility. Ok, we could use some declining fertility, but I'm drawing the line at diabetes

Part 2: More teens are transgender, or identify using terms other than male or female these days. Perhaps they've all been consuming BPA. Perhaps they're full of excrement, buoyed by people in schools and colleges, who think it's ok to punch people if they don't agree with you and that free speech is only free if it agrees with you.

Don't get me wrong: people age 18 or above should be able to do anything they want with their own bodies, assuming they can afford it. But the children in the study were not 18 and some of them have already had surgical procedures. Like alcohol and driving, pick a point where they're capable of making a decision like this and stick with it.

Son: Mom, I have... something to... tell you.
Mom: Oh no. What is it, Son?
Son: Mom, I'm transgendered.
Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you were going to tell me you're gay. By the way, are you sure?
Son: Completely.
Mom: I was just wondering... you being 5 years old and all.....

Personally, I identify as a lobster. Except during lobster season, when I identify as a 1974 Pinto - the one with the exploding gas tank.

  • The Guardian is reporting that "every NHS (UK National Health Service) trust assessed for cyber security vulnerabilities has failed to meet the standard required."
  • Fortunately that would never happen in the US, especially with electronic health records.

A Department of Homeland Security employee demonstrated the agency's commitment to keeping America safe by sticking his classified what-if anthrax papers in his airplane seat and getting off the plane. The documents are supposed to be shredded, but to be fair to the scientist, it's not like he had a shredder with him. 

CNN found the documents and agreed to hold the story until after the Superbowl, scrubbing classified data.

It is not true that we get what we pay for. It is true that we will continue to pay more for it.

Whether or not there is weather...

  • Doesn't this just seem to be our year... a false tsunami warning was sent to residents along the East Coast after a private company sent out an alert following a test by the National Weather Service. The NWS tweeted out the correction and stated that it was not sent out by them.
  • The tweet to South Carolina was sent by the AccuWeather app; they stated this was a test.
  • It either was or wasn't a test...  it shouldn't be that difficult to get copies of that tweet, fellas.
  • There will be Finger Pointing Meetings for several weeks, until a scapegoat can be appointed, in absentia if necessary.
  • New York's Whacky Mayor, Bill DeBlasio, said that a false tsunami warning was better than a false nuclear warning. After leaving office, Bill will pursue his dream gig, as a shock jock.
  • Some will say there's no such thing as a coincidence.
  • You gotta admit, two in under a month is quite coincidental.
  • In the immortal words of rock's bard, Ozzie Osbourne, "Don't ask me - I don't know."

There is a great white shark named George stalking the Everglade waters. I need to know how they know his name is George.

Wanna see my javelin?

  • Last year the International Olympics Committee purchased 450,000 condoms for the Rio Olympics. In case you're wondering, the article states that this was enough for each athlete (ath-uh-leet in Philly) to have sex about 42 times. What are those folks eating and doing there? And can we get some? It's amazing they have time to compete, unless their particular games are being scored unofficially.
  • In 2012, at the London olympics, they went through 100,000 condoms the first week. Nah, they're obviously blowing them up and putting them on their heads. Or, as we're reading, it may be to protect themselves from the coaches.

It doesn't happen everyday but police were involved in a standoff with a tiger in Scotland. Things got tense but after 45 minutes, some brave soul determined that it was a stuffed tiger.  No wonder it didn't growl or look at them or move or anything....

What are today's schoolchildren up to?

  • Officials in New York have postponed a Daddy-Daughter Dance because of New York City's gender neutral policy. The reason is that it excluded other genders. No word on how many genders the dance excluded. Later this year, they will drop the term 'freshman' because it connotes gender. Next year they will cease using 'senior'. There's nothing really wrong with the term - they just need something to complain about and this was convenient.
  • Social Justice Warriors at yet another New York high school managed to get a production of The Hunchback of Notre Dame shut down after a cracker honky white cis male landed the lead role. An African-American male quit the project earlier when a cracker honky bitch white cis female got the role of Esmerelda. 
  • The agitators other-than-white privilege students wrote a list of demands, saying that, while the young lady cast as Esmeralda was “a stellar actor, singer, and dancer” any production would be “lucky to have,” she couldn’t be cast in this role because she is the “epitome of whiteness.” This is apparently perfectly ok, so long as no one says 'epitome of blackness.' That would be wrong.
  • In case you were wondering, Victor Hugo said Esmerelda was half Roma and half French. The students were in no mood to deal with this kind of logic and went further on strike.
  • The best quote, however, was “Stop the racist and openly stated policy of ‘color blind’ casting.."
  • A group of students at Kenyon College made so much noise about a play being racist that the author pulled the play. Not satisfied, the students formed a 'whiteness club', where no white students are allowed to ask minorities questions; white people must try to answer their questions for themselves. And no spreading rumors about what people say during the meetings. Mommmmm.... he's looking at me funny again... Mommmm
  • The unemployment rate for these kids will be through the roof. It will be a truly sad time when they realize that the air is different in Real Life<tm>. Their coworkers will not join a hastily-arranged march against the vice president of Human Resources for hiring white males. The coworkers also will not be part of the coalition issuing demands to the Payroll department because they pay whites the same as blacks, calling the practice institutionalized racism. No one else will volunteer to come in on weekends to throw black paint on the walls because they're painted white....

The Philadelphia Police just released footage of suspects looting a gas station following the Eagles' win. They threw food and soda, then created a hole in the back wall. We just don't hear enough feel-good stories about Philadelphians...

Philly's mayor, Jim "Sanctuary City" Kenney, referred to the troublemakers as "the knucklehead contingent" and told them to stay home. A spokesperson for the knucklehead contingent referred to the statement as racist and threatened to turn in all the illegal aliens living in the bunker under Kenney's house.

But don't limit this to Philly - the home of the Patriots' player called Gronk was robbed during the Superbowl. Give them credit - they knew when he wasn't going to be home.

  • What did I learn today? I learned that the police do not use wooden horses for people control anymore because people break them and use them to start fires. We are a wondrous, adaptive lot.

So the Australian government sells office furniture off cheap when finished with it. So this fella goes to a thrift store and purchases two file cabinets cheaply, because there are no keys. He drills them open to find two file cabinets of Top Secret Australian documents.

Like any patriot, he calls the press. The paper coordinated with the government, who scrubbed serious information.  Sliding right into action, the government is pushing a law making it a criminal offense for the press to publish government secrets if received through unofficial channels. 

Absolutely no mention of selling filing cabinets to second hand stores.
Again, be thankful for the First Amendment.

  • Yet another unsecured Cloud instance was left unlocked, exposing the personal details of over 12,000 social media stars.
  • Later on, we need to have a discussion about Social Media Stars.
  • We are a vapid lot.
  • The people who put up the cloud instance need to be jettisoned. This is not a failure of The Cloud; it's a failure of humans.

  • Headline of the Day: Woman found holding her eyeball outside church
  • and I thought circumcision was bad...

Dear Britons: the first modern human in England had dark skin, blue eyes, and long black hair. He died in his early twenties. This has been determined by blue gene sequencing. He was about 5'5" tall and around 10 stone (that's 47 grams squared in American).  Three schools in New York referred to the discovery as racist because it was discovered via a white, heterosexual method.

The sample of DNA used for testing came from an incredibly old skeleton, and was found in the ear canal.

The moral here is to keep your ear canals clean, if you want to keep your privacy 10,000 years in the future.

Monday, February 5, 2018

State of the Blog Address

Blah blah blah.
Blah blah God blah blah family blah blah.
Blah blah blah Make Blog Great Again blah blah.

  • One of the many benefits of living in my house is that it's never boring. No matter what time of day or night, what part of the house, or who's involved, there's no shortage of Sheer Fun. This morning I found a wife busily scrubbing a dark brown substance from the couch.
  • Uh-oh.
  • Apparently it all started with a 32oz cup of chocolate milk. The dog decided to 'help' by leaping up, causing the entire 32oz to do an experiment on the science of chocolate milk's suitability for flight.
  • The results were so spectacular that we will be cleaning chocolate milk from a twenty foot radius of Ground Zero for days. Equipment across the room got splattered. Fortunately, at no point did Hawaii issue an incoming chocolate milk alert.
  • The only thing that got spared was the dog, who just sat there and licked his paws.  [chocolate can be fatal for dogs]

I bitch a lot about the weather. I bitch a lot, period.
According to this morning's Weather for Idiots, it's much colder here than Minneapolis. Plus the Minnesotans are making fun of our accent.

I'm not kidding about Weather for Idiots: you get the temperature, but it's almost irrelevant: you are given the weather quality on a one-to-ten scale (the Eagles Forecast). Then there is a two dimensional character called Bus Stop Buddy, who shows up dressed in weather-appropriate clothing, standing at the bus stop. Even the dog complains that this is beneath his level.

Then there's Bother. Every news team has a Bother... the one member who instantly annoys everyone who watches. You wonder how this person is still employed until you come to the logical conclusion that they have pictures of Rupert Murdoch with midget donkeys and cream cheese. At least I hope that's cream cheese.

Bother makes people leap off their couches with the urge to kill him or her. Even people walking by the television. Neighbors. Cousins who don't even watch the news.  Our particular Bother is one of the aforementioned midgets, only this particular height-impaired human is also one of the Ritalin Children, who never outgrew (or medicated) his A.D.H.D.  He bounces around like a pinball, talking at top speed and top volume, torquing off 90% of the viewers. Unfortunately, he also has pictures of them with Rupert Murdoch (the donkeys refused). 

As if this weren't enough, two people appeared on the show with German Shepherd heads and two actual German Shepherds, dressed in Iggles t-shirts. I'm hoping the SPCA raids the set and arrests them for animal cruelty. That would be Must See TV.

There is some parlor in Philly giving out free Iggles tattoos.
The wife's Instant Analysis was that the lunacy hasn't begun - it's just ramping up exponentially. Win or lose, the city is going to have to do more than grease the light poles this time.

And the city managed to get through it with only a few fires, store windows smashed, and turning-over of cars, sometimes onto other cars. It just goes to show that Los Angeles and Chicago aren't the only places that can throw a good riot.

  • Everyone's celebrating Dem Iggles winning the Superbowl in their own way.  One man, exemplifying Philly, bent down and scooped up some horse manure. Instead of hurling it into the crowd or setting it on fire, he ate it. The crowd cheered. His wife got an emergency restraining order and is reportedly looking for a 'good Philly lawyer' for her divorce.
  • The Ritz-Carlton's awning collapsed because people were standing on it.
  • Macy's and TMobile's windows were smashed. Nothing was taken. When asked for comment, a bystander (who swears he had NOTHING to do with the windows) was quite  offended at the suggestion that Philadelphians loot. "In Philly," he said, "we do not loot. We set our own cars, or someone's cars, on fire and flip them onto other cars."
  • The police were out on horseback, but were unable to trample and of the revelers. Their parents would be ashamed, if they weren't helping them turn the cars over.
  • To show they were good sports and there were no hard feelings, the crowd chanted FUCK TOM BRADY!
  • Although the light poles were greased (11 knocked down), those unstoppable fans managed to get up there anyway. The Army has representatives in Philly today to study how hard a head has to be to ignore grease. "It's amazing none of them demonstrated the ability to hover," said Sergeant Stedenko. 
  • The city's top cop took a bottle to the back of his head. He said he was proud to get stitches because the Phillies made it to England.
  • Quote from New York Post: Philadelphia was on fire, in some cases literally...
  • There will be a parade.  This will not end well.  I will be the only one at work.
  • Philadelphia schools, public and parochial, will be closed, so they can see the historical parade. Gee, wouldn't it be nice if Philly could get anything else organized as quickly as this? And if schools taught something useful, instead of sports? 

  • In case you don't fully understand how America was screwed by Congress, which just authorized the NSA to collect all of our communications without a warrant, here's a very good explanation from security expert Bruce Schneier. In essence, the NSA is now legally allowed to do what they've been doing all along. Edward Snowden's head just exploded. Next time a member of Congress complains about something, remember what they authorized.

Best Headline, US Edition: One in 10 Americans think HTML is a sexually-transmitted disease, study finds. One in four think MP3 is a Star Wars robot. One in three think computer viruses are transmissible to humans.

  • Today I learned: there is a person named Fetty Wop.
  • This illustrates what's so good about America: anyone can name themselves whatever they want, no matter how stupid or certifiably insane. There is a Nordic country that must approve the baby's name first, proving my point.
  • Unfortunately there is no such agency protecting pets from being named by their owners.

There is a killer whale who can speak! It can say hello, goodbye, count to three, and say the name of its trainer, Amy. In addition to the obvious reasons, this is remarkable because whales do not have the same vocal structure as humans. Already, Ellen has invited him on her show, although we suspect it's just to get to Amy.  Republicans and democrats are worried: after a few more weeks of training, the whale will beat them in the midterm elections.

  • The Trade is a new docu-series focused on the stories of addicts, their families and the law enforcement officials trying to curb the epidemic that kills 91 Americans a day. 'It needs to make you uncomfortable': the opioid documentary set to shock America
  • What the documentary will fail to show is the person in the long dark coat, forcing the addicts to shove the needle in their arm. Or buy the pills for recreational use.  Oh wait.. there's no one forcing them to do this?
  • This will only hurt the people who need opioids to help control their chronic pain.

Good God, they're still after me.
I went to see the young one performing with the school's orchestra. They closed with the Eagles fight song. Unfortunately it wasn't the Joe Walsh Eagles. As I was reminded, it would probably be a bad thing to smash a few violins on the conductor's head and about her person.

  • On sale, tickets for Paul Rodgers (Bad Company), Ann Wilson (Heart), and Jeff Beck (Jeff Beck). This is going to be a real treat for everyone. Two great rock voices and arguably the world's greatest guitar player. My wife, who doesn't play an instrument, goes to every Jeff Beck concert. Highly recommended.

Speaking of concerts, I found something odd about this one: the conductors announced the song, then spoke about the composer and the song, sometimes including the song structure. Although I've been a musician for many many years, I don't 'get' classical music, nor does most of the audience, I'm willing to bet. How, then, does explaining it to the Great Unwashed help?

"This next piece, Rhapsody in Puce, was written by Leopold Liberace, during his food poisoning period in France. It's interesting to note that Leopold, whose friends called him Ted, didn't start composing til shortly before he started decomposing. If you listen closely, you'll hear the composer's use of the chromatic didactic during the flourish. You'll also say to yourself, 'Hey - that's the song from the Tide Pod commercial!' "

I don't think the person sitting next to me appreciated my question about the concert so far, when I asked about the presence of the conductor's hair down there. It's ok, though... Mom's used to my outbursts.

So I'm sitting there, both amused and puzzled, mentally composing this entry. How would this look if it happened during a rock concert? To make the blog less of a chore to read, I'll go ahead and show you....

"Yo. Thank you, thank you. You guys here in [looks around, pauses] Delaware are the BEST!"
[audience cheers wildly, even though the concert is technically taking place in Nebraska]
"Thank you. This next tune... I'm serious, guys... this next tune is called 'The Plight of the Bumblebee in Relation to Vacuum Theory.' This one was written by Bob, our drummer, during his blackout phase in Utah, while coming to the realization that he should start considering one of those celebrity drunk tanks. The song features a standard rock structure, except during the break, when Bob inevitably f's up the third fill and misses the chorus, even though he wrote the goddamn song. Interesting story: at the end of the tour, if not sooner, Bob's going back to the clinic and we're replacing him with a drum machine. Don't tell him, ok?"

Bitching (speaking) about weather, the Five Day Forecast is gloom with precipitation and low temperatures. This is similar to last week's forecast. Perhaps you remember the order, but I expect it to rain toads, blood, and Brussels sprouts with rosemary. At the end of the street, some old dude is loading animals into a large homemade boat.

Punxatawny Phil, the rodential mascot for Punxatawny, Pennsylvania, is due to pop out of his abode, and if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of movie stars complaining about the president. The joke's on us, as it's never sunny in PA, so he'll never see his shadow. This means we'll have three to seven more years of Hollywood complaining about the president and accusing Punxatawny Phil of sexual harassment.

But seriously, folks, the script changes this year. It seems that Phil has been diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder. It's particularly bad at this time, because he hasn't seen the sun in three months. When he fails to see his shadow, he's going to get out his Groundhog Grenade, pull the pin, and swallow it.

In completely unrelated news, Punxatawny has announced a new mascot for next year. Due to pressure from social justice advocates, the new rodent is Punxatawny Philomena. Philomena is a female-identifying transgender trans-species animal, who identifies as a Sherman tank. She describes herself as a Jew and an antisemite, whose hobbies include deep connections with women's social justice causes and prostate cancer. If you misgender or microaggress her, she will pressure the mayor to send you to a country where stoning is not only allowed; it is encouraged.

  • Wildlife Strikes Back: a Maryland hunter was airlifted to a trauma center, after a dead goose fell from the sky and landed on his head, causing head and facial injuries.

Here's a list of the twenty most hated companies in America. The results are pretty much what you'd expect, with a few surprises. Number one should be fined so heavily, it will go under.

  • Immigration (ICE) raided 77 North California businesses, looking for illegals. There were no arrests. Probably because Governor Jerry Brown blocked the doors with his body.
  • In the Cliche Department, ICE raided one hundred 7-11 stores last month, arresting 21 suspected illegals.

STING instigates violence: a couple was in the midst of a domestic dispute when one of them went to the bedroom and played Sting's "If You Love Someone, Set Them Free." At this point, the dispute went physical, according to police. Sergeant Smith stated that individuals should not, under any circumstances, play Sting songs.

  • George Washington University was rocked by a picture on social media, featuring two students, one of which was holding a banana, with the caption "Izzy: I'm 1/16 black."
  • This is unprecedented. It's an outrage. It's 2018! I have absolutely no idea why this is racist. If you can enlighten me, please leave a comment.

The Dow plunged 666 points this week.
I think it's a sign: the Dow is talking to me.
Do not doubt me - the Beatles talked to Charlie Manson...