Saturday, October 23, 2021

Playing the Piano with an Anvil

 Your love is like   full body poison ivy

Here’s what we know about booster shots for Moderna’s and J&J’s COVID-19 vaccines

WHO warns pandemic will drag on deep into 2022

Faceyspaces is talking about changing its name.

Because all of its evils will then be cured.

Don't sit there on your overbloated bum - make some suggestions. Help Lord Zuck!

  1. Snotbook
  2. AllYourInfo Book
  3. Anthrax Book
  4. You'llDoWhatYou'reTold Book
  5. IWipeWith$1,000Bills Book
  6. Zuckerburg's Famous Pig
  7. Your Life, Backed Up
  8. Covidbook
  9. Your Mother's Book
  10. Phlegm Book

Today I identify as   your left nipple

Mrs. lefty fell over laughing at this page on revenge....

In 2012, Billy Gibbons was named the official guitarist of Texas.  Shortly after, Texas Governor Ann Richards named a ZZ Top day.

According to a British cop tv show, which is somewhat older, their auto license plate readers can give a summary of where a car has been for two years. Combine that with their ubiquitous spy cameras and Big Brother is bloody Huge Brother. This is why we have to keep both out. And keep on the correct side of the road.

The further adventures of teeth

There are no further adventures of teeth this week.

Can't you just LEAVE ME ALONE?

The Adventures of TV

Kodi is possibly the future of tv. Install and use the net for all your tv.  It comes with a few channels installed, all perfectly legal. You can watch YouTube and pay services. You can also locate other channels, if you're even mildly clever. Everything installs as an add-on. It can run in its own set top box or on your computer/laptop/phone. Its free.

I get a kick out of British police shows. I cannot explain it.

Kodi runs on Win, linux, and android, among others.

While we're at it, there's VaughnLive. Also free. Works in a browser. Click the link and browse the MISC section. You'll be knocked out at the selection.

There's also Stirr. Legal and free. And commercials out the wazoo.

And Pluto. Legal and free. Also full of commercials.

So there are some legal alternatives to cable. Not to mention a small antenna and local tv.

Our good friends at Apple are currently backed up on their new $19 cleaning cloth.

Marketing Consultant: What's that?

Apple: It's a cleaning cloth.

Marketing Consultant: That's nice. You can probably get a few bucks for it.

Apple: $19

Marketing Consultant: I'm going to say what most of humanity will say:"$19 for a cleaning cloth?" People can buy microfiber cloth for pennies.

Apple: You forget, it has the Apple logo on it.

Marketing Consultant: I repeat: "$19 for a cleaning cloth?"

Apple: People will want an official Apple cleaning cloth. There's no telling what will happen if they use an off-brand cloth.

Marketing Consultant: But...but... $19

Apple: You forgot the Smug Factor<tm>. Having the most expensive phone adds to your smug. Why do you think Hollywood is so obsessed with it? Of course Apple customers will want an official Apple cleaning cloth. Any other cleaning cloth just isn't an Apple. Sure, you can buy a $1 cleaning cloth, but there's no Smug there. Apple owners are smug enough to leave all the decisions to us: we know better. They know better than to question us.

Marketing Consultant: I see.

  • Colombia Is Finally Sterilizing Pablo Escobar’s Hippos
  • wouldn't it be much easier to give them condoms?

Congressional staffers exempt from vaccine mandates

The Flying AIDS puts us in an historic time. Put aside your beliefs and take a look at what's happening. The moment the virus hit the fan, I started hearing there was something wrong, not from the usual suspects, but from friends and family who were normally good sheep. People who didn't think outside the box.  People who never had anything bad to say about anybody, smelled something off kilter. This alone was amazing.

Now that the major vaccine mandates have hit the fan, people are leaving their jobs and being fired, some losing pensions. People feel very strongly, and this is the first time in memory they are making their feelings known. The public is losing police, airline employees, school system employees, health system employees, and other important jobs, in addition to jobs you never see. When was the last time you saw this kind of thinking and action?

Doctors Blame TikTok For Surge In Teen Girls Experiencing Tics
  • watching TikTok videos on Tourette's Syndrome can cause tics
  • watching YouTube videos makes you stare straight ahead, because they erase your brain
  • watching social influencers makes you a mindless sheep, but you already knew this, didn't you?
  • watching cat videos makes you a pussy


Gather round, people, while I relate the story of the life-sucking couch.

What is a life-sucking couch, you ask?

Glad you asked.

Let's say you come to visit. Once you get over the initial shock, you manage to make it to the couch. Within 5-10 minutes, all the life is sucked out of you. You're so.. blah... that you can't conceive of getting up, no less actually performing the getting up activity.

We have done the science: if you sit in a chair, you will not blend into it. There is some smaller effect, but it falls off with the square of distance, like the danger of the neighbors hitting me with homegrown tomatoes.

So I guess if there's some high stress or an event that has you wound up, c'mon over. Ask to borrow the couch. Just be very careful about the plastic stuff. If you kick it hard enough, it goes BOOM.

The couch itself is a funny and tragically sad story, like our lives.

When we moved into our house, we hadn't thought about a couch. The parents were getting a new one, so we adopted the old one. Quite frankly, I can't remember how it got from their house to ours. I have a sneaking suspicion that it simply transported itself, so it could suck the life out of everyone at my new house. It's a pullout, so it sleeps 2 (4 if you're having a really good night). Ya know how, if you pull the cushions, you can find all sorts of things, including bodies and new dinosaur types? I don't want to say my mother was a neat freak, but the inside of the sofa was cleaner than my house, a state it maintains to this day. Except for forks, I think.

The sofa itself is now in its old age. We had to prop it up a bit. We don't have any sort of sentimental attachment to it - we just can't pull a new sofa out of our butts. Every year, for the past 10 years, we decided we'd use our tax return money for a new sofa. And every year, something else breaks, requiring all the tax return money, plus more. Last year, we went as far as a furniture warehouse to test out sofas. There were approximately, about, over, near, ohhhh... 150 couches. There was everything from fuzzy white couches to 50s style, to something that had arms that came up and looked like some sort of Intercontinental Ballistic Missile targeting sofa. We here are most concerned about back support. We also hate pillows as a back. So out of 150, I found.... .wait for it...   one. The weirdest thing about the sofa was that it wasn't the most expensive in the store. It's probably because I didn't tell them I was left handed, in which case they would have added a 25% upcharge (like the guitar companies).

So we were pretty excited about the couch. And absolutely no emergencies presented themselves to claim the tax refund. This turned out to be fortunate, as there was no return. The IRS had 'questions.' So we missed Biden's giveaways too. And the couch remains in its spot, sucking the life out of anyone who sits on it. During lunch, I have to sit in a different place, or I won't be able to return to work. If you're not careful, it can eat your life and depress you. Can you imagine returning to work after lunch, almost unable to type, with tears in your eyes? Well it's even worse if you sit on the couch.

  • Multiple flights affected after Charlotte Airport ran out of water
  • Charlotte's mayor, Evangeline Scum, said it was a good thing they didn't run out of air

I learned stuff at work (before telework). 

  • The main thing I learned is what not to say. I learned this right after I said the things. 
  • I learned not to sit under your desk if you don't want people asking you why you're sitting under your desk. 
  • I learned that the 30 minute lunch suffers from a math error and is actually a 60 minute lunch.
  • That all itches shouldn't be scratched immediately, no matter where they itch. 
  • I confirmed my experience that there are zero attractive women in IT. The only time there are attractive women is when you're taking a course and they put up a picture of generic coworkers.
I also learned that if you don't take vacation, the days kinda back up, like my toilet, and you can't roll them over (also like my toilet). So I've got rather a lot of days to vacation or lose. As we're in the final quarter of the year, I realized I had better get busy vacationing. I gathered the wife together to discuss this. The problem here is that I try not to be a dick to my coworkers, so maybe I shouldn't take December off. Of course, this didn't stop my coworkers from being dicks to me and taking two weeks off in the middle of a shitstorm. 

I could take Tuesdays off til the end of the year. Why Tuesday? I like the way it's spelled.
I could take Mondays and Fridays off, but somebody might notice I'm gone.
I just can't take more than three days in a row, because I want to remember what I do when I come back. Logins, passwords, how to work stuff.
So I have to think. 
Maybe I'll tell them Fridays, but only on even dates. Make them work for it. On odd dates, Wednesdays. See, I can be a dick too!

  • Queen cancels Northern Ireland visit on medical advice
  • doctors say she's dead

I haven't been following the Gabby Petito case too closely, other than the main points.
Today I read they were documenting their trip on social media.


February 12: froze our asses off in southern Seattle
March 4: found a McDonald's in the forest. Ate well.
March 25: killed Gabby
March 26: went home to see parents. It's been a while.

  • Note to women taking pictures: I don't know a lot bout photography, but here's an observation - the closer your ass is to the camera, the bigger it looks.

It's National Disability Employment Awareness month.
That's a lot more words than most months.
My coworkers should be aware of me, because... well... I'm me.

  • Polk County, Fla. Sheriff Grady Judd on surge in violent crime: “Just chill out, drink a 7-Up, eat a MoonPie, quit murdering people.”
  • wisdom for the ages...

Browser settings to change ASAP in Chrome, Safari, Firefox and more to protect your privacy

  • The medical show has a scene where the nurse tells the doctor that the patient tripped over his dog. Once in the patient's room, they said he tripped over his cocker spaniel.
  • hmmm... I wonder if this is in the breed standard. Mine spends a lot of time trying to trip us.....

ACLU: 10-year-old girl was arrested at school for drawing a picture that upset a parent

The LGBTQ protesters against Dave Chappelle's show say 'we're concerned that the jokes are taking lives.'

Wednesday, October 20, 2021

Give Blood. If You Can't Give Blood, Give Teeth

 Your love is like  snot that you can't get out of your nose, no matter how you try

White House ransomware summit calls for virtual asset crackdown, without mentioning cryptocurrency
They have to get their hands on it some way...

The federal government and police are finding new ways to use drones to invade privacy.

  • Hundreds of Israelis have stripped naked by the Dead Sea in Israel to draw attention to its dramatically receding shoreline. 
  • This is the type of environmentalism we fully support.

Today I identify as   Journey

Mother, 38, is arrested in front of her children and locked in a cell for seven HOURS after calling a transgender woman a man on Twitter

IBM and airlines won’t comply with Texas governor’s ban on vaccine mandates

Nearly 40% of California state workers remain unvaccinated despite Newsom order...

Challenges mount to president's vaccine mandate

Across the U.S., clashes intensify between city officials and the police over vaccination issues

The Anti-Vax Movement Can't Wait for Kyrie Irving to Be Its Idol
-interesting because team leadership doesn't want to keep him off the court

  • Russia and China left out of global anti-ransomware meetings
  • It's like trying to figure out who's eating chickens and not looking at foxes

Meet the People Who Won’t Have Sex Until They’re Sterilized

What a tremendous idea! The only problem is that the people who shouldn't breed won't be getting sterilized.

The Further Adventures of My Mouth 

Back for my next dentist visit, I found myself feeling less like I was walking into the electric chair. My food stayed down and I could still think about sex, so I knew things were improving. Since I stopped worrying about them killing me, I had a chance to look around a bit. Their staff consists of young, petite, skinny ladies in their twenties, mostly blonde. This is JACKPOT for a lot of guys. I wondered if there was a hiring specification or all their hires look that way by accident. As nice as that would be, that's discrimination, so it must all be coincidence.

They were all happy. Very happy. Alarmingly happy, having just come in off the field in their cheerleading uniforms. Since the p.a. system was broken, they all got used to YELLING instead of speaking.


It was outrageous and embarrassing. To think that I'd believe the doctor would be right with me.

In addition to their matching uniforms and personalities, each one got their own little positive exclamation.

The xrays are done? Super.

Are you doing ok? Awesome.

You didn't get yourself caught in your zipper again, did you? Excellent.

You can't afford the copay?  Good deal.

They were required to use their positive exclamation after every sentence. This way if you couldn't remember their name, you could refer to them as Super, Awesome, Excellent, or Good Deal. "Did Awesome do your least cleaning? Good deal."

I guess you could say they were the Stepford techs, but it's not really true - they had different shades of blonde hair. I was thinking to myself that they were too young and didn't really strike my fancy, when I met the reject.. the single brunette. I was smitten. She was like the rest, but I could detect sarcasm that wasn't present in the blondes. That's another quality that excites me in a woman. Hell, if I couldn't say anything sarcastic, I couldn't speak. Unfortunately, unlike other practices, the uniforms came up to their necks tightly, so I couldn't look down. I got over it during the panic. One had blonde hair and brown eyebrows. For some reason, that looked pretty cool. I also spotted a lone male. He must be really popular.

They did a good job this time, so fewer parts of my body kept trying to escape from the chair as they worked. I didn't ask for Happy Gas, so I remained present during the entire operation, so to speak. I know my insurance wouldn't cover it, but they could have offered me some... ahhhhh.... relief... before the procedure, to keep me calm. I'd have paid out of pocket for it.

Last time I donated teeth, so this time they went about getting me new ones. You'd be amazed at all the technology they have now. There's a scanner they wand over your teeth and it puts together an internal view of your mouth. There was another little buzzing device, but they told me I couldn't use it. Since my tooth donation, the gum has been understandably sore. This explains the extra pressure needed to make the mold thingie for that tooth. It wouldn't stay put at first, so she banged on it, harder and harder. My entire body kept heading in the other direction, when I explained to her it was sore. Then she finished the explanation. Well if she knew it was so sore, why did she use a pneumatic hammer to get it to stay?

They pulled out the samples and asked me which color I wanted for my replacements. C'mon, how many male patients does this practice see? I just looked at them with the 'You gotta be kidding me' look and suggested they use their best judgment. There were two women there - they stood a 127% chance of matching it perfectly. If I had to do it, I'd have wound up with dark blue. Seriously, when they take their husbands clothes shopping, who picks the colors (and the clothes)? Hint: not the husbands.  I'm secure enough admitting this, so the choosing went by quickly.

So next time, they're going to install some custom geo-spatial cable bridge between two teeth. They won't tell me which two, because I don't have a need to know. Oddly, I do have a need to know how much copay it will cost me, and they remind me of it before, during, and after the appointment, via text, email, and coming by the house. I'd offer them tea, but the house is a mess and we're not scheduled to clean it again until 2025.

I went with the bridge, but there were other options. One was a plate, which would require remembering to put it in (so that was out). Another involved some sort of screwjack boring into my jaw. At least I think it was my jaw. I wouldn't ask anyone else. Yet another involved Super Glue. Kids, let's face it - nothing good ever comes of Super Glue. You glue your hands to a table, glue your lips shut, or glue your penis to your nipple, so it's best to avoid it. I'd only wind up with a new tooth on my forehead.... it's just not worth having to explain it to everyone I meet. "Know how there's a third eye? I have a thirty third tooth."

This leaves the hole vacated by my other donated tooth. I suspect they're forgetting about it on purpose, so later on I'll ask about it and it will cost more to fix. They told me I have a cavity in my wisdom tooth, way in the back. They like to remove them, but it's pretty traumatic over a certain age, and it ain't broke, so don't fix it. I figure I don't need the cavity filled because I don't even get to use the bloody tooth in the first place. It just sits there, under the gum line, peeping out now and then. For some reason, the doctor told me I was wrong here. Little did he know the worst thing you can do is tell me I'm wrong. I'll reach in and extract my own damn wisdom tooth, just to prove him wrong.

So the long and short of it is that I no longer look like a crack addict. Well, my mouth no longer looks like the mouth of a crack addict. And all I had to do, besides showing up, is sign the second mortgage paperwork. I have really great insurance. And when I say great insurance, I mean great, huge copays. Have you noticed that politicians are going after health insurance, but nobody mentions dental insurance? My theory is that the dental industry has pictures of Congress, on a fact-finding junket to Mexico, at the donkey show.

  • Pro Tip: when you come home from the store, put the ice cream in the freezer. The floor will not keep it cold.

Twin Cities Man Accused Of Operating Private Airport In Field Behind His Home

Planes always ran on time. Big airlines upset.

After another hack on a water system, someone needs to start being concerned.

We have all sorts of utilities connected to the net, some with horrid security. This is an emergency waiting to happen. I'd hope somebody is looking at it. It also makes one wonder why utilities need to be connected.

Wifely Quantum Physics  

Him: Hey, why did you turn off the fan?

Her: I'm cold.

Him: You didn't think anyone was using it, what with it being pointed directly at me?

Her: You're not cold?

Him: I feel warm. With that in mind, I turned the fan on.

[sound of car keys]

Him: Where ya goin?

Her: Have a few errands.

Him: Then may I put the fan back on, please?

Her: No, I'm cold.

Him: I see.

Her: Did you turn the tv off?

Him: Yes.

Her: Why?

Him: Strange you should ask. Were you not on the phone with your mother for two hours?

Her: She talks a lot.

Him: So it would have been difficult, even for you, to watch tv, while you were upstairs taking the call.

Her: Yeah, but I'm watching it.

Him: You certainly were watching it. I couldn't disagree with you there at all. But you haven't come within fifty feet of it in the last two hours.

Her: But I was watching it.

Him: If you can show me how you were watching it from a different room, I'll eat your shoes. The whole room full of them.

Her: Well, I was going to be watching it.

Him: Can I turn the fan on, while you're making calls upstairs?

Her: NO - I'm cold.

  • 5GAA argues C-V2X technology as the way to secure transport at the ITS World Congress
  • advocates cellular car-to-car communications - what could possibly go wrong?
On the positive side, you'll be safe when you drive on the Moon - it will soon have its own internet
The aliens plan to hack into it. Turns out they have developed a bit of an interest in pr0n.

New Zealand city parts ways with its wizard
I don't think this is progress. The hat alone is worth the title. Naturally he was criticized over comments about women

The fastest-spinning white dwarf ever seen rotates once every 25 seconds
CNN has been canceled for using the word 'dwarf', and not its proper replacement, 'midget.'

Sunday, October 17, 2021

Purple Eggs was the Working Title

 Your love is like   an Olympic-size pool of feces

  • SHAFT to be remade with all white cast

Katie Couric edited her interview with Ruth Bader Ginsburg, cutting out her comments on NFL knee-taking, so people wouldn't get upset. Isn't that sweet?

Today I identify as     a queer LGBTQ - I'm straight

It's time to get serious and address an issue of major import: today I speak directly to Nabisco.

As a fan of Oreos since birth, I just picked up some Double Stuff Golden Oreos. Sitting them next to regular stuff, it's obvious that there's way less stuff in the regular ones, and the double stuff has about what the regular ones used to have. Double Stuff is a uniquely American treat - a manifestation of too much of a bad thing. Are profits so bad that you need to Cut the Stuff? Do you need a boycott, featuring thousands of rowdy, unhappy stuff fans, giving you the kind of publicity you don't want? Halloween's coming up, and we already have to deal with shrunken candy bars - please don't join them.

Flying AIDS Follies

Southwest Pilots Warn Fatigue, Frustration Could Fuel Further Outages  Executives say they are addressing labor challenges
Unsupported ‘sickout’ claims take flight amid Southwest woes.
I spoke with an industry insider, who told me "Yeah, it's the vaccine mandate."
  • 'Huge problem': Passengers are bringing a record number of guns to the airport, TSA says
  • They're having a hard time getting into jail and wanted to go with a sure method
  • it's not exactly news that you're not allowed to carry on planes, friends... did you miss 9-11?

Boeing workers are planning a #FreedomFlu sickout.

Italy will require all workers to show a coronavirus health pass from Friday, one of the world's toughest anti-Covid regimes that has already sparked riots and which many fear will cause "chaos".

The mystery of how long Covid damages our memory

Passengers couldn’t fly after NHS vaccine passport went offline 
vare ah your paypuz?

FDA advisors unanimously green-light Moderna boosters for people 65+, high-risk

Storm brews over 46x price markup of Merck’s Thor-inspired COVID pill

President Taxit envisions wind farms on both coasts. He says they will serve a dual function: if we are ever attacked, we can reverse the turbine fans to blow away any ships headed our way. We can also lower them under water in case of submarines. 

Why Jimi Hendrix was a Racist

Jimi Hendrix put Fender guitars and Marshall amplifiers on the map.

Jimi was black.   RACIST!

Jimi forced Marshall to make 100 watt amps.

The amps were covered in black tolex.   RACIST!

The amps always used tubes.

Jimi was a paratrooper in the army, along with other black men in his squad.    RACIST!

He broke a bone and was discharged.

After the army, Jimi played the 'chitlin circuit' in the south, backing many black acts, like Little Richard    RACIST!

During this period, Jimi used Fender amps, also covered in black tolex      RACIST!

When Jimi first played England, rock royalty turned out to see the crazy man with the guitar (the Beatles, Jeff Beck, Jimmy Page, Eric Clapton). They were devastated.

When he got famous, he used white Stratocasters     RACIST!

Buddy Miles, who was black, had one of Jimi's white Strats     RACIST!

At the height of fame, Jimi had a lot of pressure from black groups but didn't bow       RACIST!

Jimi believed there was no color, just music         RACIST!

Most of Jimi's music was engineered by Eddie Kramer, a white man from South Africa     RACIST!

The Faucet  

So after all the sweat and phone calls and arm hair and YouTube videos, we were no further than when we started. The faucet still refused to come out of its box.

On the bright side, there was precious little to do.

On the dark side, we probably have to call a plumber. ACK!! This means it's either the mortgage or the plumber. We also have to move the ICBM so he can get in the front door.

  • Hey, remember that medical advice to take aspirin to help against heart attacks?
  • Medical advice retracted, especially in over 60s. They cite the risk outweighing the benefit, in that aspirin can eat holes in your stomach. So take it with food, dummy. It would seem that's a minor risk, but I'm not a doctor, even though I have the long white coat and say 'gynecologist' a lot.

Oracle's new data center is in Israel, nine floors down, and able to withstand rocket attacks.

Ummm.... if you were going to open up a high-availability data center, would you choose an incredibly unstable region for it? Maybe they should move it to Iran.

  • Google has certified its search engine 100% Flying AIDS-free

President Taxit will have an audience with Pope Francis at the Vatican October 29th.

The president plans to ask why he wears a yamulkah and what they did with Netanyahu's body.

  • NASA is sending 'Lucy' on a mission to the Trojan asteroids
  • Decided no additional protection is necessary in Jupiter's orbit

The Kongsberg, Norway, bow and arrow attack appears to be terrorism. The shooter recently converted to Islam. It's obvious they need common sense bow and arrow laws.

  • Waymo Self-Driving Vehicles Keep Going Down the Same Dead End San Francisco Block
  • Waymo says they're going home to spawn, before they die

Army slows ~$20bn project to put Microsoft's HoloLens VR headsets into the field
The commanders are afraid to expose the soldiers when they have to reboot

  • Seattle school cancels Halloween parade because it ‘marginalizes students of color’

Friday, October 15, 2021

Superman - a Bundle of Sticks

Your love is like   cholera

  • Superman Comes Out, (as bisexual) as DC Comics Ushers In a New Man of Steel
  • Making Superman bisexual is 'bandwagoning not brave' - actor Dean Cain
  • 70 years in the closet is a long time  

Amid drop in covid rates, Dr. Lord Fauci encourages outdoor trick-or-treating and says 'enjoy Halloween'
Says it will be safe, with the following provisions:
  • masks must be worn under and over Halloween masks
  • must stay over six feet from other trick or treaters and houses.
  • people in houses must throw candy at children's bags, six feet away. Whatever goes in they keep.
  • all candy must be vaccinated

Today I identify as  a number three pencil

  • Laser vagina menopause therapy shows no benefit in trial

California's been busy, as usual, doing Weird Shit.
Sales of gas-powered lawn mowers and leaf blowers will be illegal. GET YOURS NOW. Soon only criminals will have gas-powered lawn tools!  You could make some real money, trucking them in from out of state.

Governor and head of Light Entertainment, Gavin Newsom, hath decreed that large toy stores must have an aisle for non-gendered toys. No pink or blue. No sense.

Stealthing: California bans non-consensual condom removal
also bans sneezing, murder, and running people over with bicycles

  • Pentagon says hypersonic weapons are too expensive
  • hang on... when was the last time the Pentagon said something was too expensive?
  • They must be going with an even more expensive weapon

The Faucet

Finally having retrieved the faucet from the car, where it was hiding, I opened it carefully, lest it think I was a newbie and go SPLOING, sending all its minuscule parts all over the kitchen. Looking at the instructions, I should have taken them to the Reading Room and spent a week ingesting its wisdom.

I don't do plumbing. I've seen it done, but preferred to leave it in the realm of Magic. I prefer electricity. I'd rather change a light switch with the power on than try plumbing. They say homeowners become plumbers, electricians, and general handymen. Others say they have to, because plumbers, electricians, and handymen don't return calls or show up. Still others recommend calling the company that rhymes with Moto Scooter, who always show up, but only for plumbing. If I remember correctly, Moto Scooter has a flat fee system, wherein they tell you what the fee is and you go flat. I think sinks are $400.

The box said easy installation - all you need is a screwdriver, wrench, and a left handed smoke shifter. I was overjoyed, as all these tools were within easy reach and with 3 tools, it couldn't be too difficult! They lied. All you need is a screwdriver, wrench, left handed smoke shifter, and a plumber.

This process was kicked off by the hot water knob breaking off. Since even I won't use pliers to turn the hot water on, we needed a new faucet. The instructions were well-illustrated and in three languages, so I knew they were serious. It looked mildly do-able, plus all my friends and family said it was almost idiot-proof. You know when something is idiot-proof, they just make a better idiot, and here I am. The first issue seemed to be the traffic jam we created by running separate hot and cold into one lane. This worried me, but I decided to have faith (this one time) in the instructions.  The long and short of it is that you plug the faucet's lines into the shutoff valves.

BZZZZZT - there are no shutoff valves. 

I suspect I need the wet suit from the bedroom (don't ask).
The problem with my house is my the builder of my house. Everything is rigged and every shortcut was taken. Of course there are no shutoff valves. There may be one on the toilet, but I've never found it. I think the house did not originally have a second floor, making it very difficult to get to sleep at night. At any moment, the second floor could take the express elevator and become the first floor. The only thing I'm sure of is the humongous joists and concrete floor. Unfortunately the concrete floor is on the second floor, not the basement. We have a swimming pool, but it's more of an unintentional pool and only operates when it rains. Fortunately it's not on the second floor.

So now I've come to the first difference between the instructions and Real Life<tm>. This is very bad because my plumbing knowledge is only slightly greater than my ballet knowledge and opera knowledge combined.  I decided to flout the instructions, and start out doing things the Man Way. This means I tried ripping it apart.

BZZZZZT - the large nut holding the hot knob down also turns the hot knob. Even after I cleaned it out, every time I tried to get the nut off, the hot water turned on. Fearing this was a warning of exactly how this was going to proceed, I did the smart thing and gave up immediately. I thought this was a two man job perhaps, or at least a one man job for someone who knew what they were doing. Since the men in the house totaled one, I had to wait til the woman got back from the shoe store, where she was praying to find me alive (or dead) when she got back. (if I were alive, I'd die when I saw what she bought)

They say there is always a silver lining and there was: I got all the dishes washed without hurting myself or the dog.

  • Windows, aka The Great Titanic, needed to reboot on the work computer, making it so much easier to type this. You cannot stop it, not even with a note from the principal.

The first Arab mission to Mars is yielding significant data.
There are a few minor problems, though... 
  • ship can't figure out which direction to turn to pray
  • kept firing on the Israeli satellite
  • backup computer kept getting fouled with beard hair

Chevy Bolts have been recalled, for new battery packs. They, too, have been spontaneously combusting, and they didn't want to be outdone by Tesla.  In fact, Chevy is boasting more battery fires than Tesla already. Remember the days of the internal combustion engine (last week), where there were no fires? Twenty years from now, auto manufacturers will boast about their battery-powered vehicles, stating there was a small period where they had to get the battery technology right...

  • Study reveals Android phones constantly snoop on their users

In an interview, Paul McCartney finally let loose that John Lennon actually broke up the Beatles. He wanted to fly solo. When reading the interview, it reads best if you substitute Yoko for every instance of John Lennon.

  • Germany unveiled the first self-driving train
  • Germany is very efficient: more dead if the train crashes vs self-driving cars

France: Train kills three migrants lying on tracks
Hey, let's lay on the train tracks - what's the worst that can happen?

Flying AIDS News
  • Southwest Airlines, the military, and more are Very Angry about vaccine mandates. Southwest crew is suing, no one else has gotten them. Southwest. 
  • Speaking of Southwest, they are experiencing their 5th day of serious cancellations and have yet to convincingly explain why.
  • 911 System In Jeopardy As First Responders Reject Jab
  • Texas Governor Greg Abbott bans mandatory vaccination in state
  • Wisconsinites plan to sue “every school board” that ignores CDC’s COVID advice

Her: Come look at this in the basement
Him: I can't see. Gotta flashlight?
Her: let me remember where I put it. Oh, here it is.
Him: battery's dead.
Her: let me find another one
Him: You have 52 flashlights, there has to be one that works
Her: sorry
Him: ok, we need batteries. Let me put them on the list. Gotta pen?
Her: Can't find one.
Him: You collect pens. We have more pens than individual specks of dust. Why can't I ever find one?
Her: Your socks are still here, in pairs, so maybe the pens go wherever the socks would go....
Him: I need a drink. Please tell me you can find one..

There's a war brewing. You want to keep your head down because it gets nasty.
Yes, I'm talking about jimmies vs sprinkles.
We've always called them jimmies. Never heard of sprinkles til recently.
Wife is very upset.
I just want to stay out of firing range.

So William Shatner finally made it to space.
He had comments....
  • Who in their right mind would send a 90 year old man into space?
  • Dammit.. why didn't Sulu fire on Earth when I ordered him to?
  • Somebody tell them I'm an actor - I've never really been in space
  • What do you mean Spock's dead?
  • If you don't behave, I'll sing... I swear
  • can I get a nurse to clean me up, please?

India man jailed for killing wife with cobra in Kerala
The snake bit the sleeping woman but not the guy who carried it to the bed?
Didn't he have the smarts to be 'out of town' when this happened?
Death penalty demanded: no mention if for husband or snake

Tuesday, October 12, 2021

Discuss: Brian Wilson was Terrified of Sand

 Your love is like  an accidentally bifurcated tongue

Ransom Disclosure Act would give victims 48 hours to report ransomware payments

Biden wants to tax them

Good News

Our reader with the Flying AIDS is well again. Thanks for your kinds words, prayers, wishes, and offers of chocolate.

Today I identify as   unhealthy

  • Plane flying ‘will you marry me’ banner crashes, killing the passenger and injuring the pilot
  • Further proving that marriage is fatal.

Leaked Grant Proposal Confirms Chinese and American Scientists Planned to Create Novel Coronavirus

Most serial killers are male. 

I know this is a fact that has occupied a lot of your time. We're all shocked that there aren't more marches and calls for Serial Killer Equity. That no one noticed the male serial killers get paid more than female serial killers. That no one has called for hiring quotas for more female serial killers.

As usual, you're gonna ask yourself how I know this stuff.

Easy, I don't. Wife does.

Facts tend to slip in and out of my head with regularity, but my serial killer knowledge is cemented in there. This is because Wife is a bit of a serial killer groupie. She has stacks and stacks of serial killer books. She watches the tv shows and movies. She knows how to get rid of the bodies too, so if I ever go missing for more than 48 hours, they won't find my body. Ever.

In the end it comes down to this: there's no challenge in it for the women.

If you're a male serial killer, you have to make plans. Come up with believable scenarios. Lure your victim. Women have heard every line in the book, so you have to do one better to manipulate and entice your victim. Play on their responsibilities and fears. Nab them at just the right moment.

Whereas with men, it's so simple as to be boring.

Science has proven that less than one inch of cleavage has more power over a man than a pocket full of hundred dollar bills. And this starts at twenty five feet. More than an inch of cleavage has power of the cube squared. Anything over a C-cup will enslave a man (and some women) for hours, sometimes years. Men will follow women anywhere, including doors with "DANGER: You are going to your death" on them. They will hold the knife while the female killer ties them down, thinking this will get fun-kinky. Sometimes something that just looks like a wink is enough. After a while, females just got bored and decided to go into more challenging areas, like golf and fashion.

A surprising victim (sorry) of this has been gay men. Statistically, if you're going home with a guy, he's 99% or more likely to be a serial killer than if you went home with a woman. Screwed if you do, screwed if you don't...

I gotta go - I think that blonde over there just winked at me....

  • Finally, Dildos are Getting Safety Standards
  • I'm wondering if sex toy research is something we want to be involved with
  • not that we want the govt involved here - you need a license to cut hair and permission to own your car
  • Related: the 20 year patent on teledildonics has expired

GM’s next driver-assist system will be hands-free in “95% of situations”

so long as the car isn't moving

  • South China Sea: US submarine collides with unknown object
  • Because our phenomenally expensive submarines, which are phenomenally equipped, cannot detect an 'unknown object.'
  • The object is not another submarine - we don't know what we hit, but it was not a submarine
  • I hope it didn't hit a torpedo...

US Senate averts crisis by voting to extend debt ceiling

Of course they did - the lowlife, tax and spend, big govt do-nothings
But it's ok - it only lasts til December, when the whole thing will start over again....
It's nothing but Debt Theater
No one said a word about paying it down...

  • Microsoft has committed to Right to Repair
  • unfortunately not the OS

I'm pretty well known for my mouth; I have no filters.
It's not like I'm not trying... it's just that I lost my last two filters in a tragic verbal attack.
Realizing that I'd probably need them, I asked around and found a pair of really cheap filters.
I don't start out trying to offend people, it just happens. So I figure the filters will help. Thus far I haven't insulted any pregnant women or people with dead relatives, so that's a start.

Looking back, I figured out I must be around some pretty liberal, tolerant people, because they turn me loose. I don't know if this is because they find it hysterical when I get going, or they just believe lefty is lefty and they can't do anything anyway. I have never been disinvited anywhere because of my filtration situation. In fact, I sometimes have trouble getting myself disinvited from places I don't want to go. I tried to find times when people said (behind my back), "Gee, we probably shouldn't invite lefty, for obvious reasons." Or maybe they're hoping that, with my superior talents, I get myself fired, disinvited, excommunicated, or canceled. And to this date, it hasn't happened. I'm told there was a small volunteer group at work that used to go around and apologize for whatever I just said, but I never saw it. I used to do roasts of outgoing employees. Some of them jumped through 5th floor windows, rather than hear what I had to say..

My family learned a long time ago. I'd simply show up and tell them exactly how I felt. Hey, I thought you were supposed to share your feelings, not keep them bottled up inside. It's unhealthy, I'm told. The family used a trick on me: saying "That's our lefty." Unfortunately for them, it backfired. If they accepted everything I did, mistake or not, I'd simply try harder. After a while, I simply stopped showing up. And when I didn't show up (again), they'd say "That's our lefty - he's his own man." Now I'm a little older and don't want to bother with the effort to try harder, so I have Mrs. lefty thank them for me.

It's more difficult when you have the social skills of an anvil.
The typical introvert will sit in the corner at a party and read a book, terrified that someone might come over and talk to them. The typical introvert will work diligently not to be invited to parties, or have some really great excuses why he cannot attend:
  1. the dog ate my invitation
  2. the dog ate my pancreas
  3. something or other is in retrograde
  4. I have a phone call that night
  5. extrovert lessons
Then it will all be over when they apply guilt. No one can stand guilt, especially over time. Einstein put together his Special Theory of Guilt, but it didn't get near the press that relativity did. 

Guilt equals time plus whining.
Yes, it actually grows.

So bring a really good book (or three) to the party.
If you bring pr0n to a family event, everybody over 40 will leave you alone. Or will pretend to.

  • WATCH: Philly Fans Get Arrested for Having Sex in Bathroom Stall During Eagles-Panthers Game
  • this could not happen in Philly - anyone not watching a game would be beaten silly(er)

Mrs. lefty slipped in the yard (I'VE FALLEN AND I CAN'T GET UP) and I was called to help her up. Blasting out of the house, I found her flat, not really damaged, and smoking a cigarette. I get the impression if she somehow cut her arm off, she'd figure out how to light a ciggie while waiting for the ambulance. Reattaching the arm would be touch and go because they don't let you smoke in the ambulance or at the hospital.

Saturday, October 9, 2021

Attack of the Killer Tampoons

 Your love is like   the great taste of razor blades

AI completed Beethoven's unfinished tenth symphony.

It sounded like a combination of Sinatra and Megadeth

Historians (and AI) are reasonably sure Beethoven knew Sinatra. There is some debate about Megadeth.

Today I identify as   a broken coffee machine - the saddest thing on earth

Why does depicting the Prophet Muhammad cause offence?
(and why can't the British spell?)

It's not in the Koran, but Muhammad was a jolly dude who had his one little 'thing'. You know... all of us have that one 'thing'. One little hangup that almost sets us apart, that people can point to and laugh at. Muhammad didn't like his picture taken, therefore you can't picture Muhammad.
The problem here is that nobody knows this, so they can't use it as an excuse to burn stuff and cut off body parts. [have I been canceled yet?] Quite frankly, I don't like to have my picture taken either, and I get kinda choppy when somebody tries to depict me.

Muhammad and Jesus haven't come back and I don't blame them. When they see what is being done in their name, they will have a cardiac event.

  • There’s a Multibillion-Dollar Market for Your Phone’s Location Data
  • your data is out there being collected and sold, and you certainly aren't benefiting from it
  • law enforcement too....

Amazon Astro is ‘terrible’ and will ‘throw itself down’ stairs, developers reportedly claim

This is the best thing to ever happen to Internet of Things devices: Security through Suicide!
The device looks like some weird futuristic electric dog that follows you around. Add the spying for Amazon and you have another $42 billion for Jeff Bezos.
This thing wouldn't last 13 seconds in my house, even if it didn't spy. The dog would see it following her mommy around and promptly disembowel it.

Fun in the Workplace

Someone, way up the chain, who gets the Executive Pharmaceuticals, decided everyone must get a Flying AIDS shot. 

This was not a popular decision for everyone up the chain under the decider.
The amount of tiptoeing and purposely not commenting but commenting is amazing.
The supervisors made it plain that if you have questions, ask the decider, not them.

We know how I feel about mandates.
There's no reason in the world I should be mandated to receive shots - I work from home every day, do not go into the office, and do not come in contact with any coworkers or customers. I don't even need a frickin' mask. This is precisely the governmental overreach we need to vote out. *I am not saying you don't need a vaccine - YOU make that decision. I am saying I don't need a mandate (or a vaccine).

You voted this in. I keep paying for it.

The Car? 

You thought we were done with Car Repair Hell.
Well, we were.
Now it's Inspection Hell.
All of the necessary paperwork was in the glove compartment at the time of the accident.
The inspection garage says there's nothing there.
Of course there's nothing there.
We can't walk to the mailbox without things falling from the sky or having to fill out paperwork online and paying a fee.

So we call the insurer to send a copy of the insurance.
They haven't returned the call.
I noticed that they never answer the phone. I leave a voicemail and they call me back. I think they have better things to do than do their jobs, like maybe doing their other jobs. Pretty soon it will be leaf-raking season. Tutoring their kids at home. Something to do with Pokemon.

Then we do the one thing everyone hates, the thing that makes Roman gods, Superman, and the president quake in their boots: go online to the DMV.

The DMV site was put together by bid, with the winner being the lowest bidder. The Bargain Bidder learned his lesson (Bob, at Bob's Web Sites, Inc.) by having to sit with DMV personnel, to make it impossible, as well as relatives of the late Dr. Josef Mengele, to make it extremely painful. This resulted in a site that nobody can use. Nobody can even traverse it. In fact, you're lucky if you can pull it up at all. The server that houses the site is an old android phone, in Bob's basement.

You are presented with a myriad of choices, making you think you can do these things or get somewhere on the site. You spend 30 minutes looking for the button that says "copy of registration," only to find out there is no button called "copy of registration." You continue to putz around the site, eventually settling on Registration. You are presented with a bunch of options you can perform in reference to your registration: buy a new one, buy a personalized new one, pay for other stuff, and eventually, get an instant copy. Yay - you found it!

No you didn't. There is no link to get an instant copy, merely the assurance that you can.
Thinking, in spite of the massive headache brewing, you take a silly wild-ass guess (SWAG) and hit Online Services. Believe it or not, there's an option to get "copy of registration." They want your credit card number, eye color, and nostril diameter. Ok, that's doable. They also want your plate number and title number.

Oh, geez, the plate number will be difficult to see because the car is 20 miles away at the garage, which isn't open whenever you need to call. The title number... well... WTF is a title number? Strangely, title number has a link. Even more strangely, the link goes to an explanation of what a title number is and where to find it. 

Where do you find the title number? On the registration slip.
Welcome to the DMV. Leave brain by the door. Do not pass go. Pay $200.
Incidentally, The DMV has been responsible for more divorces than cheating. Either way you get fscked.

Where IS all this paperwork we need?
Well, it WAS in the glove compartment.
When the car got hit, it was given to the tow driver.
It hasn't been seen since.
It is in Tow Document Limbo.

Call the inspection garage and catch them between off hour blocks.
Oh, you're going online? Good luck with that. Phew.
Oh, and by the way, I just wanted to let you know... when we DO the inspection, you have a plate light out. It is placed strangely. WE WILL HAVE TO TAKE OFF THE BUMPER TO REPLACE THE BULB.

Sometimes I wonder if there are cameras following us around. This stuff is too whacked out and too numerous to happen to normal people. We are a tv show.

Speaking of us, I was asked whats wrong with the hot water.
This is typical of the questions I receive and can mean anything from 'there's no hot water' to 'there's not enough hot water to wash your service elephant'. In this case it meant 'the hot water knob fell off the faucet.'

My ancestors did not do plumbing. There was nothing to pass down. 
My dad could do a lot of stuff, but there's no way to get his assistance, being dead and all.
My brother replaced a toilet paper roll once.
My mom got a new kitchen.
So you see, I'm screwed.

This being 2021, one can take a picture of the damage and ask the helpful folks at [insert home repair megastore that doesn't have enough staff to ring purchases, no less suggest plumbing repairs].

Wife: my faucet broke. I have pictures.
Cashier: I see.
Wife: what do you think?
Cashier: were those 2 for $5?
Wife: about my faucet
Cashier: [looks at pictures] Yes, that's definitely broken. In all the pictures.
Wife: do you have anybody who has ever seen a plumbing part working today?
Cashier: [popping chewing gum, sexting boyfriend] Ummmm..... no. Due to the Flying AIDS, we're horribly understaffed. Would you like a job? You get a 10% discount on screws.
Wife: Nah, I'm already feeling kinda screwed, thanks.

Now comes the everyday difficulty in communication between wife and me:
What I said: Please go to the store and ask if it can be fixed.
What she hears: It's time to get one of those spiffy new faucets, with the wand so I can shoot you for getting too close to me in the kitchen. They have BlueTooth and let the entire internet know when they're passing water. [I thought about something to let the entire internet know when I pass water once...]

What she said: I got this great deal on a faucet at CostCo.
What I said: how much?
What my brother said: it's so easy even you can do it, provided the valves are ok
What I said: What's a valve?

What I said: Where did you put the faucet you bought?
What she said: It's in the trunk of the car, where it's staying tonight.
What I heard: I'm strengthening my resources and looking for earplugs for when you start to install it.

The only faucet mildly interesting to me is Farrah. She shares my dad's complete failure in the respiration department.

US road safety watchdog decides against probe into Tesla battery fires

Tesla said it was not aware of any non-crash "battery fires associated with fast charging in the United States or any other country" other than those two in China. "And F- China." Tesla added, "We're only aware of twenty five spontaneously appearing fires, but they don't count because they're not traveling on roads, therefore not covered by road safety agencies."

An Air India plane learned some more about physics, specifically that you can't take a seven foot plane through a six foot underpass. 

Asked for comment, Air India said the plane was scrapped and sold, and is not their responsibility.
And even if it was, their technical staff at the Delhi airport is all new and has ADHD, so they tend to miss stuff every now and then. Small things like sixes and sevens and the word  'not.'

Many drew parallels with a similar incident which reportedly happened in the state of West Bengal in December 2019 when an abandoned Air India post plane got stuck under a bridge. The word in India is that if you buy a scrapped Air India plane, you cut it up and fly it out.

  • Sometimes it's just better if Nemo isn't found

It's not like I don't hate Windows enough... it just keeps giving me reasons to hate it more.
I got a large notification that there was an update and was going to reboot. I snoozed it for 3 hours.
15 minutes later, it informed me it was going to reboot. It had a SNOOZE button, but it was grayed out.  This is my work computer, so I kinda need to work. Then it's going to take 30 minutes to apply the updates I am not 'allowed' to refuse. Then it will reboot and continue updating. By allowing this alleged operating system to exist, work have tacitly informed me that working is not necessary; indeed it is secondary to vagaries of the operating system.

Windows: it's not an operating system, it's a virus.

It's that time of the year, when rodents get cold and figure out how to get in the house. This is as opposed to ant season, which I don't have the strength or desire to go into. This is a great time of year to have a cat. Since our cat has been dead for many years, the dog has stepped up. She has caught a number of mice, but outside. She has also caught birds, squirrels, and candy bars. In impersonating a cat, she has developed one of the most annoying cat behaviors: she knows where we're going to walk and is there before we are. It's like herding people. The other day, she heard something, so she went on the hunt: she stood there and barked at it. This was about as helpful as a barking cat. Of course if cats could bark, they would do it all day, just because it was annoying.

This caused the unintended effect of Alert Status. 
The dog goes into Hunt Mode.
I go into Sleep Mode.
Wife gets serious and gets armed. There's a helmet, a vest with pockets, several small arms, and a surface to surface missile she drags behind her. The insurance company told the mortgage company, and now I have to limit the amount of explosives in the missiles. Bastards.

We also have every type of mouse trap ever made. None of them work, and are just an exercise in making the purchaser feel better. Sometimes they just eat the bait without triggering the trap. Mostly the traps just sit there, hopefully out of the dog's range. If she started barking at the traps, we'd have to move.

I'll naturally keep you up to date as events proceed. My goal is a picture of the little bastard, with a spike through its head (fsck PETA).

  • ‘It’s Bad, It’s Bad’: Proctor Teens Say Students Used Item To Sodomize Teammate, Shared Video Online, causing Minnesota high school to cancel its football season
  • I think these students showed great initiative: this stunt is so incredibly stupid that they are already showing signs of Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). This is pro football at the high school level!

Speaking of Traumatic Brain Injury, two white tv anchors were suspended for wearing afro wigs on the air.
Seriously now... who, from the anchors to the head of the network, could fail to predict the outcome of wearing afro wigs on the air?

A Turkish man did the right thing and joined in the search for a missing person.
It was only a short while until he discovered he was the person being searched for.
He got drunk, slept at a friend's house, and his wife reported him missing.
This story is laced with postitvity: at least his wife missed him enough to call.

Tesla ordered to pay $137M to Black former worker subjected to racist workplace

They completely blew this... they should have given him a Tesla. It would only be a matter of time until the car spontaneously combusted, taking care of the problem and saving them almost $100,000.

  • An 88 year old South Carolina man died in a freak lawnmower drowning: the beast overturned into a creek and he was stuck under.
  • And you laugh at my fear of's deadly!

Taking the SJW to Space

SpaceX’s Satellite Megaconstellations Are Astrocolonialism, Indigenous Advocates Say

Givenchy criticised for noose necklace at Paris Fashion Week

Wednesday, October 6, 2021

It's Raining Cats and Recliners

 Your love is like  cockroach souffle

NEW YORK  Today, Jimmy Olson announced the retirement of Superman.

"It's not like Superman is getting old or his super powers are waning... it's just that he can't find a single place to change without surveillance cameras."

Today I identify as  null


Flying AIDS news

A year later, 45% of COVID patients in Wuhan still have symptoms

Pfizer/BioNTech vaccine antibodies gone by 7 months for many

J&J vaccine could be linked to another clotting condition: EU

Biden sued by Air Force officers who compare vaccine rule to death sentence

Rand Paul makes example out of HHS secretary for 'lying to people about naturally acquired immunity'

Meet molnupiravir, Merck’s Thor-inspired pill that hammers COVID

1 in 8 people say loved ones with opposing Flying AIDS views won't get holiday gifts.
  • So there's a car for Betty Sue, and a wireless racer for little Jimmy. "What about big Jimmy?" He gets NOTHING. He won't wear a mask.
  • Lisa is dead to me. She's out of the will. She refuses any of the booster shots.
  • I threw Bobby out - he says Wuhan was an accident.
G-bus, this is worse than Trump/Biden 

The McDonald's customer who called in a bomb threat to an Iowa restaurant because he did not receive dipping sauces with his 30-piece Chicken McNuggets order has pleaded guilty to a harassment charge

Oh c'mon... who among us hasn't been so pissed off at the incompetence of fast food workers that they haven't called in a bomb threat?

  • Thousands of paedophiles active in French Catholic Church since 1950, commission finds
  • people around the world are shocked
  • Hint: check the Vatican

The 43-million-year-old remains of a four-legged killer whale, found in Egypt's portion of the Sahara Desert, have been identified as a newly discovered species

Researchers so surprised, they didn't report the 2008 find til this month.
When asked about a whale with four legs, they believe it was replaced with the two-legged model, a few million years later.
It is believed the whale got tired of seafood and evolved legs so he could go get some fast food when he felt the need. But even 43 million years ago, whales knew there was no fish in Filet-O-Fish sandwiches.
The whales put the prehistoric motorcycle business out of business, when they kept crushing bikes. It is a well-known fact in prehistoric academic circles (where they fancied themselves fancy, but were as dumb as a box of rocks) that four legged whales could not resist a Hog. The convertible whale never existed - it was a hoax.

The whales had quite an effect on the prehistoric economy, as everything had to be made bigger to accommodate them. Wendy's drive-thru can take everything from a Harley to a semi, but not a whale (4 legs > 18 wheels). Other scientists posit that the leg-like appendages were the remains of a really big penis, which made the whales very popular with female whales, as well as wives of scientists. At this point, one group of scientists say the whales walked right out of the water while the other says the whales hopped, like a massive pogo stick. The two groups agree on one thing: funding for future research.

Even whales did not eat kale or tofu, but liked asparagus because it smelled in their pee for a day after they ate. They liked a good steak, like the rest of us, but prepared theirs a bit more fresh: they ate the steer. They really liked the scratch off lottery tickets, but had to get somebody to scratch for them. Sometimes the octopi would, which led to a symbiotic relationship, where the 8 armed buggers would ride the whales into town, to pick up chicks. The women would later complain "they were all over me - it was like they had 10 arms." The whales liked to play guitar, but couldn't find one large enough, although the Gibson Les Paul certainly was heavy enough. They really hated dolphins. You definitely didn't want to mention dolphins around the whales. They felt the dolphins got all the good press, with their leaping about and funny noises, so the whales ate them. 43 million years later you see how well that worked out.

Stay tuned next week, as scientists will announce the discovery (in 1971) of sharks with boobies.

  • This week's dead: Janis Joplin, Danny Gatton (the world's greatest unknown guitarist), Mike Gibbins (Badfinger drummer)

Faceyspaces whistleblower said the documents she leaked proved that Facebook repeatedly prioritised "growth over safety".

I hate like hell to come out on the side of Faceyspaces, but it's not their job to police content. Personal responsibility (of which there is none), needs to be exercised. Yes, it's toxic - pay attention and get out

Speaking of social violence, a drunk TikTok cosplayer killer her friend while pretending to be The Penguin. She was playing with a loaded gun and shother. This is a very slow way of thinning the herd, and the wrong herd is being thinned.

Speaking of non-social violence, a man alleged to have been part of a group that blew up at least 15 ATM machines in Germany.... take a guess..... wait for it.... blew himself up.

Waymo and Cruise get the go-ahead from California DMV for self-driving taxi service.
With every ride you get:
  • a homeless person, who will defecate in the cab
  • a driver you can't see or yell at
  • no one cleaned the seats after the homeless guy shit on them
  • being able to watch your own accident
  • the tax on the taxi goes up as you're riding in it

A Ukranian airline did something intelligent, not done before in the entire history of commercial aviation: their stewardesses now wear sneakers. I figure if they're not gonna wear hooker heels, why not something comfortable? They're on their feet all day and night....

X-rays reveal censored portions of Marie Antoinette’s letters to Swedish count
Phrases include:
  • I dig your meatballs
  • I can make your man bits disappear
  • I am really a man in a fancy dress - they don't call me the Queen for nothin'
  • It's chocolate cake with chocolate icing, silly

It's obvious I need a vacation.
Where does the guy who doesn't like to leave his couch go?
Can he take his couch?
What about the dog?
And a guitar or two.
Come to think of it, a vacation would just cause more stress than staying home and needing a vacation.

SJW Sickness
  • The maintainers of the Ruby programming language have updated their Code of Conduct to add "Tolerance for opposing views no longer enforced." This after a member posted a joke deemed to be sexist and ageist.  So if you're programming in Ruby, you are notified that you don't have to tolerate opposing viewpoints. NYAH NYAH.

A David Walliams story about a Chinese boy is to be removed from one of his children's books after criticism that it contained "harmful stereotypes".

Yes, the Chinese boy was smart and wore glasses.
We have hit another milestone in SJW-ness: a group isn't even allowed to have a positive attribute.

Sunday, October 3, 2021

Clog Dancing with the Service Elephant

 Your love is like  rug rash

Cats are dicks. You might already know this.

There's one who likes to walk on the fence, just out of Penny's reach, while Penny barks at it.

A friend's cat, who I really like, enjoys throwing things off tables.

Today I identify as  a cordless phone battery that won't charge

The last place I worked had a stably unstable platform that involved moving the furniture around quarterly and meetings to plan new meetings. I worked there for 10 years and there were some meetings around longer than I was.

The new place, with so many working from home, has taken to moving whole departments around. I'm not sure, but I think I heard Network Security has been moved under Janitorial. The problem is that the moves come at least quarterly, if not more frequently. One must pay close attention to email or one will miss a change and find their group working under Sales, which is somewhat like the 8th ring of hell, but hotter and less pleasant. So not only do you have to watch email, one must keep an ear to the ground, to hear what others might have heard about tomorrow's changes, which will supersede last week's changes. Make your daily meetings, because your supervisor may have some important news for you. After the (at least) quarterly change, there will be a full-company conference, wherein the new structure will be explained. It is at this point you can tell what your company is up to: if you watch the conference and nod off within the first 13 seconds, it's obvious the company doesn't expect anything of you and everybody else is nodding off too. The only thing left is the snoring. If you understand what they're talking about, this is a really bad sign. You will be required to stay in the 4 hour meeting, where most of the time will be devoted to new organization charts. The people who nodded off will be spared.

What is the point of this exercise?

Nobody knows.

Your pay doesn't change, but you might be stopped in hallways or emails, and asked where your group falls in the new current scheme (as opposed to the old current scheme). If you cannot answer the question correctly, you will be required to work in H/R for a week, listening to people whine about every topic under the sun and claiming someone harassed them by doing nothing as they walked by them the other day.

If anyone in the entire company does anything even remotely related to programming, the only safe answer is DevSecOps. This is a buzz phrase incorporating security into Corporate Stuff<tm> and they eat this shit up. If you can squeeze The Cloud and AI in there too, you're golden. Warning: do not mix DevSecOps with SecDevOps. These are two completely different buzz phrases, even if no one can tell the difference. Entire wars have been fought over the meanings.

  • Dutch chain Grocery Store Opens ‘Chat Registers’ for Lonely Customers
  • Walmart has studied this and will open a Suicide Register, but you have to pay first

NASA halts Mars comms for two weeks as Sun gets in way of Red Planet

Vogons brought in to destroy Sun

Viral ‘Jump Humping’ TikTok Teaches the World About Mormon Sex

As unlikely as it seems, this "soaking" and "jump humping" are sex acts that horny teenagers perform to remain virgins in the eyes of god.

This is even better, and more creative, than having anal sex to remain a virgin

  • The FCC will open a $1.9 billion program to replace Chinese networking equipment in mostly rural telecom carriers.
  • Translated: $1.9 billion taxpayer dollars will go to rural phone carriers to buy new equipment after removing Chinese equipment
  • Yes, Chinese equipment should be removed for security reasons. No, we shouldn't pay for it. Contact your Congressmen and FCC.

A rare white deer was shot running down the street.

What country was this - 

  1. US
  2. Iraq
  3. Brazil

That's right, it was number five, England.

The RSPCA said darting the animal could be a bigger public safety issue than blasting it out of existence. We humans sure have a funny way of dealing with problems. Now the UK needs pickup trucks and beer. Although William Robert doesn't have the same impact as Billy Bob.

I say - it's the Queen, y'all!

  • NY prepared for tens of thousands of unvaccinated health workers to lose jobs
  • sure they are.... this will not cause a crisis in healthcare at all
  • they have a plan. 

Her: What do you need from the store?

Him: the same things I needed yesterday

Her: How am I supposed to know?

Him: It's on the list.

Her: What list?

Him: the list you made yesterday

Her: I made a list yesterday?

Him: Yes. Yesterday, when you asked me what I wanted because you were going to the store

Her: But I didn't go to the store yesterday.

Him: But you did make a list.

Her: Perhaps I thought I was going to the store yesterday.

Him: Yes, hence the list.

Her [looking through pad]: Nope, no list.

Him: The absence of a list on your pad does not mean there was no list made.

Her: What was on the list?

Him: the stuff we needed at the store. I don't remember a single thing because you made the list and I forgot everything as soon as I said it.

Her: Hmmmm.... ok, but what do you need at the store?

The rescheduled tooth donation went off as scheduled.

I was impressed - I couldn't feel the teeth going. Couldn't see them going either, but that was because my eyes were shut so tightly that you couldn't pry them open with a small nuclear device.

Remember: ask for the nitrous. It's worth whatever you have to pay for it. I only tried to escape from the chair a little bit. The only thing that hurts is the spots where the needles went it. 

I was told no hot beverages or food for a while. I have to wait for my coffee to cool? WHAT?

Now I have huge holes until everything gets fixed. I'll tell people the Flying AIDS ate my teeth.

Me: Damn, it's cold in my office.

Her: Why don't you run that little heater?

Me: Because the fan is plugged in.

Her: Why don't you unplug the fan and plug in the heater?

Me: NO!

Her: Why not?

Me: Because if you plug the heater in and run it, you're admitting it's getting cold and the seasons are changing and soon there will be snow, messing up the roads and requiring shoveling....

Her: I see. Stay cold then.

They're Baaaaaack

 As New York, San Francisco and a few other U.S. cities and counties require restaurants to check proof of COVID-19 vaccination to dine indoors, some fast-food chains are simply shutting their seating areas altogether - a move that may dent their sales.

  • What happens when you have a bunch of Special Ops guys training at an airport?
  • a dude dressed as a ninja, wielding a sword, injured 2 and forced them to shelter in a hangar
  • the police would have shot him
  • They should hire that guy.. he has balls

Portland’s KATU has ‘No News Monday’ so staff can attend trauma and stress management seminar

I would never laugh at your job stress, but this is hilarious. Fortunately nothing happens on Mondays.

  • ‘Nobody will tell me the truth’: Man’s death pinned on cougar attack; wildlife experts say no way
  • Mrs. Sonia Spam, 47, denies responsibility, says she's happily married.

Secret military aircraft possibly exposed on TikTok
  • Lockheed Skunkworks mum
  • people are stupid and post anything, not to mention streaming suicides
  • Think about this: Stealth planes were used in Vietnam. Something new has to be flying around.

According to someone or other, it's Suicide Prevention Month. Finally, something worth celebrating, even though it should last all year, like Breast Appreciation Month.

ThermionicEmissions renews its call for you, if depressed or suicidal, to talk to someone. One big surprise is you don't have to feel this way. There are many ways that can help. You need to take the first step: talk to someone. A mental health professional, you primary doc. If you're feeling like ending it, talk to someone. The aforementioned. Suicide Hotline (1-800-273-8255 - 24/7 free). Family, friends, religious leaders, local health groups or organizations, even the police. They're there to help keep you safe, to whatever degree. There's therapy and meds that can help. Now there's elephant tranquilizers that help depression (ketamine). There are ways to help you pay for help, but you're not going to be turned away if you feel dangerous to yourself or others. 

This is going on all over the planet, unfortunately. It can hit anyone of any age or profession. Please speak up and stay safe. Remember: If you take yourself out, that's one less reader of ThermionicEmissions.

also suggested: Chinese lady with cymbal hat

Thursday, September 30, 2021

Watch Out for Flying Enemas

 Your love is like  reading too much of this blog

I have a smart nephew.

My smart nephew is also funny.

The teacher announced they would be playing German dodgeball.

My smart nephew asks if this means they only kick the ball at the Jewish kids.

He sat the entire game out.

Smart kid.

He's back to school physically, five days a week. He told me they had to attach things to each other in the bathrooms because people were stealing toilet paper holders and urinals. Apparently this is a TikTok thing.

In my day, we didn't bother stealing urinals. We lit explosives and flushed them down the loo. What's wrong with kids today?

Today I identify as  a nipple clamp. the left one.

CDC director Dr. Rochelle Walensky decides to overrule her own agency’s advisory panel and recommend boosters for workers who interact with the public a lot, calling into question the administration’s simplistic and often inaccurate slogan, “follow the science”

  • 'The Wire' star Michael K. Williams overdosed on cocaine, heroin, fentanyl accidentally: ME
  • That's an awful lot of drugs to accidentally overdose on 
  • dammit.. did I take too much fentanyl with my cocaine and heroin?

Arm the Homeless

A homeless man went into Shake Shack in Canoga Park, CA, got loud, and was asked to leave.
He returned and opened fire on the store.
Fortunately no one was hurt, although the shakes had a metallic taste for a few hours.

  • An elderly Michigan man is accused of trying to bomb phone stores to stop the spread of porn.
  • He was from "The Coalition for Moral Telecommunication" 
  • The only question is whose morals
  • Next week he will be trying to bomb hairdressers to stop wars

News from Occupied Australia

Australia Police Goes Door to Door: "Are You Aware Of Any Planned Protests Or Events Coming Up?"

  • Over here we put food on a plate, we do not plate food

Check out "Nona and the Carefully-Placed Listening Devices" - a great lesbian spy noir romance, taking place in beautiful downtown Detroit. "Detroit sure has changed," Nona thinks to herself.

Nona's love interest is Stevie. Stevie looks around and says to herself, "Detroit sure has changed."
They meet at Van Dyke's, a popular bar for spy noir romances. They're both dressed in suits and ties, causing some concern, because the dress code says only one tie per couple. It is decided only Nona will wear the tie. To meet in the middle, she puts on Stevie's tie too. Nona mentions she's a spy, and Stevie says no way - she definitely looks more like a grass mechanic and part time yield sign. They commiserate over the face that no one yields anymore..

"Well, grass mechanic is my cover for spying," intones Nona.

"Who are you spying on, and for?" asks Stevie.

"If I told you, I'd have to...."

"Kill me?"

"No, shave your body hair."

"Shall we leave?" asks Stevie, face flushed.

In their hotel room, the tv is playing a commercial... Ladies... is your nipple hair so long you can braid it? Try new Nip-Ex! Spread it on, the hair's gone. Bring a friend. Have Nip-Ex parties. Try it on your husband!

Stevie asks if Nona has noticed the general decline in the level of advertising these days.

"It started when Bruce Jenner died," said Nona.

"Bruce Jenner never died. He just changed sexes."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. He went from the cereal box straight into the operating room. They even shaved his adams apple down. But strictly between us, he doesn't make a very fetching chick. I hear they modeled his vagina on Oprah's."

"Let me see if I have this correct: Bruce jumped the fence instead of the hurdle. The Kardashians only date black men, and Bruce's vagina is black."

"This is why you're such a great spy. You pick things right up and you know the color of a vagina. Would Bruce date black men too?"

"I like black women but not black vaginas. You?"

"I've never seen a woman with a different colored vagina."

"You need to get out more."

Stay tuned for part 2 of  "Nona and the Carefully-Placed Listening Devices" on this here blog, As the Stomach Turns.

  • Paralympic swimmer Nadine Grossman died yesterday when she fell into a pool

Your tax dollars at work 

After 47 years, the Tennessee Valley Authority will give up its construction permit for its unfinished nuclear plant.

Refund checks to the taxpayers will be issued next week.
Heh heh heh. Refund checks.

We know I'm the Anti-Sports. We know it was fascinating and enraging when I discovered projected/artificial lines over hockey and football fields. What would we like to see?
  • tiny pictures of Princess Meghan naked
  • long urls to pictures of Princess Meghan naked
  • minute-by-minute earnings of team owners
  • biggest secret of each team (pictures of the front 4 in women's clothing)
  • who has the Flying AIDS and is still playing
  • whose wife is about to catch him and with what
  • fake nudes of Princess Meghan
With a few minor modifications, maybe sports will be tolerable after all...

Wouldn't it be cool if you could remove your head? Like a hat... just take it off.
Think of the hijinks!
  • scare the bejesus out of most people who see you  (except morticians)
  • give new meaning to 'getting some head'
  • become a ventriloquist without practicing
  • constantly repeat "I'd lose my head if it weren't attached to me... oh."
  • make sex really kinky
  • have fun riding horses
  • prove you're not talking out your ass and it's impossible to put you head up your ass
  • finally be able to perform oral sex on yourself   (don't tell me you never thought about it)

Happy birthday Moon Unit Zappa
gag me with a spoon

  • One of my delightful coworkers told me if I hated Windows 10, wait til I saw Windows 11
  • I feel all warm and tingly now 

I just sat next to my silent phone in the office for 8 hours.
I got up to get a Coke and when I came back, I had missed a call.
This is why I don't get invited to parties.

According to new stats from Public Health Wales:

-99% of people who tested positive for Covid in the past week were under 60 years old

-63% were vaccinated

-87% of COVID hospitalizations were vaccinated.

Interesting numbers.

  • Karen Croake Heisler: 67 year old forner Notre Dame professor says "damn the unvaccinated," dead 12 days after third Pfizer mRNA injection

President Taxit has included in his infrastructure bill, fines and enforcement for vaccine mandates. Think about that for a a minute...

Know what's creepy?
Going into your browser and it saying "Hi lefty" up top.
Why did that happen?
Because it's MS Edge, yet another differently-abled MS browser. It's shoehorned in so tightly with Windows that it knows your login and greets you. NOTE: Firefox does not greet you.
MS software is getting worse and worse this way. Between Sharepoint, Office, and Teams, everything's aware of what you're doing and almost anyone can look at the history of what you've done with the software. NOTE: this can also be controlled by system administrators, but it's there

I'm not sure how many degrees of Public Separation this is, but Dog the Bounty Hunter has entered the manhunt for Brian Laundrie, boyfriend of the late Gabby Petito. Hopefully Doggie has his shoe lifts all tuned up. No, wait, that's not fair. Hopefully he has his mullet tuned up. No, that's not fair either. Hopefully he has the camera crew in great shape.  Regardless, Dog -  Do the Laundrie.

I live in a 7 ring circus. The number of rings runs from 5-7, unless it's a particularly weird day.
I do not want my circus taken away.... I'd just like the rings taken down to 3 most days. If the circus went away, I'd have to create my own mayhem, and we wouldn't want that.

[on phone to me] I didn't realize it was so late
and we're tragically down to 37 clocks 
  • There are 3 lanes for takeout at the Chik Filet
  • the car in front of me turned into a submarine
  • a 17 car pileup because someone's car figured out how to fly and everybody looked up
  • an intersection closed down because there was a car with flashing lights on (before the Tesla hit it)
  • the dog drank my milkshake
  • traffic isn't moving because somebody got out of the car to walk their alpaca
  • my straw broke in the car and I couldn't drink anything
And this is normal for "I just have to run an errand"

[Judge]  I understand you do charitable work
[defendant] Yes, I work with poor children
[Judge]  What do you do?
[defendant]  I take them around and show them other parts of the city. Parts they'll never be able to afford.
[Judge]  GUILTY!