Sunday, February 17, 2019

The House of Waffles

Stop laughing.

We found ourselves at one of the above-mentioned restaurants, having breakfast at 8pm (because breakfast tastes better after dinner). The first thing we noticed was that the place was empty. Very empty.. like the Food Police just left.

In spite of this, we got seated quickly.

The next thing we noticed was the large volume of cold air hitting us, as if someone figured out how to make an eight foot solid window open. The waitress asked if we wanted to move to a different spot which wasn't as cold. Nice lady.  I went from shivering with my coat on to not shivering with my coat on.  It turns out the air conditioning was on and the controls locked. This is Great Business Practice. Mid-February, near the mountains; crank up the a/c.

Oddly enough, I don't complain much in restaurants. You really have to go out of your way to make my food miserable, or make me wait an hour for it, before I'll say anything. But here's a restaurant (stay with me and stop laughing) where people are sitting there, eating with heavy coats on. And no one can turn off the a/c. Perhaps the owner is menopausal.

The food arrived. When I say the food arrived, I mean everything but mine.
She eventually brought mine over and asked if it was too dark. Ummmm... I have to admit I've never heard that question before. Well, chocolate tends to be dark, so no problem.

Problem.

There's no chocolate.
I ordered a chocolate chip waffle. This being Waffle House, I didn't expect an issue. You know... ordering a waffle at Waffle House. The overcooked waffle, missing its chocolate chips. If I think about this any further, my head will hurt even more than it does (and the voices will get louder and angrier).

While we're on the topic, there's no coffee either. I've never been in food service, but I've ordered an awful lot of it. The coffee comes first. Honestly.   As it turned out, the extreme lack of coffee was actually a gift, which we figured out when it arrived. It would be rude to compare the taste to an ashtray, so I'll just say it tasted a lot less like a caramel-colored ashtray when two or six creamers were installed. Unfortunately this pushed the level of the coffee way up, causing a small physics issue, wherein the coffee sought a new place for itself and found it,  on the table, my plate, and the greater part of my pants. So technically, I wet my pants.

The waffle was, as you'd imagine, dark and a bit more stiff than I like. Unfortunately, so were the hash browns. They had the effect of being one solid, crunchy piece of potato. I am obviously not a purist, but I have never had bad Waffle House food or service.  Just so no one complains that I never say anything positive, the orange juice was exactly as described and in no way messed up, served at the proper temperature, and nicely aerated.  I am not complaining about the waitress.

Hours later, our stomachs and intestines remain unpunctured. We will give the place another chance, although I worry that if we go in the summer, the heat will be locked on.








Wednesday, February 13, 2019

You Gotta Love Blonde Asians...

An Australian lady went to Vietnam. Upon return, she got pulled aside for inspection. Turns out her boyfriend, a plastic surgeon, installed buttock implants in Vietnam.

Say it again: buttock implants.

We know they're not new, but think about it..it's inserting something pillowy in the body. Like breast implants... a few years back, a woman was arrested in Philly for doing butt implants, one of which killed someone.

Epilogue: the butt implants contained large amounts of drugs.




  • A man proposed to his girlfriend in court. That's so romantic, ain't it? She was in court for stabbing him 13 times. That should be some marriage... all lawyers in the court gave him their cards.


This probably went viral last week... the 16 year old girl who called 911 because Daddy took her cell phone away. The policeman sternly explained that 911 is for real crimes and went on to tell the child that everything really belongs to Dad anyway - she's a minor.

I think she's due for a Learning Opportunity. She will work in a 911 center, shadowing operators and listening to actual 911 emergencies. Hopefully this will help her understand the difference. While she's there, she can help out by cleaning the bathrooms. 



Dear lefty:
  • I try really hard to get my boss to like me. What else can I do?
  • Nothing. Your head is already so far up her ass, when you sneeze, she burps.



As I type this, Betty White turns 97.
After the nuclear apocalypse, there will only be Betty, shacking up with Keith Richards.




There's a great article on a new treatment for PTSD. This poor Seal Team Guy has been experiencing all sorts of horrible PTSD, causing all sorts of horrible problems. He walked in, had a treatment, and walked out, happier than he had been since before joining the service. There are variations of this treatment, but it's basically shooting very minor electricity at your brain, via a small wand the doc holds. You are not physically touched, and there's a small noise inside. Some people don't get full relief immediately. One variation is in use, although who knows if insurance covers it. The name contains 'transcranial'. I can remember this, but have no idea what I had for breakfast. Or lunch. Or where my keys went. Did I remember to use protection? Will prayer be needed?

The funny thing is that the Seal described some of his major symptoms and I joked that after seeing the list, I must have PTSD. Somebody close, who shall remain nameless (but married me) looked at me as if I were a complete idiot (a look I see often) and said, "Duh - you scream PTSD. Sometimes literally."

Well gee, it would've been nice if at least one of 15 therapists told me this, before they all committed suicide.




  • BULLETIN: The Canadian Winter Festival was cancelled due to heavy snowfall.
  • The Pennsylvania Winter Festival was cancelled due to cold weather.



It was so cold yesterday...
HOW COLD WAS IT?
It was so cold, I had to run my hands under cold water to warm them up.

It was 7 degrees outside.
The poor dog, who came from down south, has never even heard of this temperature before. She never saw snow til recently. She wants to go back.
It got better later, when it finally hit 13 degrees.
It's not a climate - it's a plague.




  • Today I beheld a tool that looked like a small chainsaw that goes on a pole. It looked like it might be fun at parties.
  • At least it didn't take up more room than the hedge trimmer in the bathroom.



Dear lefty:

  • Quinn Quinones, from Queensland, asks our opinion on climate change.
  • Dear Quality: are you out of vegan shampoo again?





Arizona state Representative Gail Griffin(R) proposed a bill to require all computers sold in the state be locked from accessing porn. Users would pay a $20 fee to unlock it, which would go toward The Wall.


  • I think the technical term for this is Blithering Idiot
  • You cannot regulate access to porn anyway - it's impossible. Too many varied sources, with new ones popping up all the time. This is why filters don't work well.
  • I believe regulation of access by the state is a 1st Amendment issue.
  • If you build your own computer, will each piece be taxed? Will your video card be taxed more because it allows you to SEE porn? Will your mouse be protected from porn too?





I LIVE IN THE INDIGNATION

I often hear what my wife's watching on tv when I'm in the next room.
Most of the neighborhood can hear what my wife's watching on tv.
The 'news' provided some sickening material recently...  it was largely about viral videos. There is one about a high school kid smirking at an Indian guy and another about a large child dancing shirtless in a stadium.

I'm looking at this from as for above as I can... we are a nation of morons. I've said it before. Frequently. We're fiddling while the country burns. Think about it - we're absolutely fascinated by online videos, to the point it makes the nightly news. This also says something about the news. We are sitting wherever we sit, looking at a huge video site, picking out videos that amuse us. It's like a worldwide sport - all we're missing is Sports Hooligans rioting in the stands, although that would be a viral video too. Everyone's free to do what they want with their time, but we essentially watch Stupid TV to amuse ourselves. We have become fat and lazy, amused by video-lets. Does America riot when taxes are raised or levied? No, we're busy being hypnotized by YouTube, which is the next step from being hypnotized by the Boob Tube.  The people Up Top benefit from this. Less resistance to subjugating the Proles. Our tv's already watch us.

Having said that, YouTube can be an incredible asset: aside from entertainment value, the knowledge passing how-to videos are priceless. Never fixed a dryer before? There's a video for that. Oven's paint peeling? There's a video for that. Car making a noise like a pigeon being strangled? That one's about to be uploaded. Dads dancing, Guitar lessons, how to apply makeup for the cosmetically-impaired. How to dress like a ho and how this celebrity dresses like a ho. People hanging from very tall light poles, during a riot after a Philly team won a championship? It's all there. And viral.









Sunday, February 10, 2019

I Watch LivePD - I'm Almost a Cop

I'm missing out on family outings because of my loose bladder.
I typed that as it just spewed from the tv. How many times have you heard that phrase?




  • due to the order in which I put things together, this was written on February 30th.




What has the dog humped today?
Glad you asked. Her original boyfriend was a large sofa pillow. When her mommy made it CLEAR that he was no good for her, she switched her affections to a huge purple stuffed elephant. This is the same stolen elephant she tore holes in the first week she arrived. Now she can't figure out whether to shred it or hump it. I think we have an abuser in the house.

Hey - aren't male dogs supposed to do the humping?




Dear lefty

  • Reader Stepphan Keys, of Cross Keys Avenue, in the Florida Keys, asks why men put stuff up their butts.
  • Go fuck yourself, Stepphanie.




What's in a name?
Siobhan (shuh-VAWN) is an Irish name.  You can tell because the spelling has absolutely nothing to do with the pronunciation. Yet it is also spelled Shavaun, Chavon, Chevron, Shavonne, and Rhinoplasty, all pronounced the same way.

In related news,
James is Jim.
Margaret is Peggy.
Jeffrey is Geoffrey or Jeff (where did they come up with that?)
Richard is Dick. Most people named Richard had rough childhoods.
Sometimes John is Jack, except for when he's Julie.
We can never remember which Quade is the 'funny' one - Dennis or Randy.
By any standards of language, one cannot pronounce Phoebe, yet Phoenix makes sense. Sort of.
Karen is close to Kieran, yet not close enough for anyone to care.
Ian can be pronounced E-an or I-an, depending on what hand they throw with.
Not wanting to be left out, the Irish spelling is Ioin. I know one.
All children are Jesus Christ I Said Get Over Here.
My friend Michael is known to all as Michael. We have no idea where he came up with that.
Both Leslie and lefty are Leh.
Wife says the short form of lefty is Asshole. But it has the same number of syllables.  Oh...




  • I'm ok playing fetch with the dog but after a while I get tired of fetching and the toys get soggy.





There is a great tale of the late Jackie Gleason, wherein he got picked up in a limousine driven by the late Richard Nixon (late president and part time sign post), who had escaped his protection detail. He drove Gleason to a military base and showed him some... people... who weren't from the region. Or hemisphere. Or globe. It is a tale without any factual backup. As far as we know.




  • The key to making life interesting is never self-censor. If you've got something to say, say it! Speak the first thing that comes to mind. Blurt out stuff randomly, for no reason. Not only will this amuse you, you won't get invited to any of those annoying parties and social events.



I always suggest using a password manager/locker to hold all your passwords. The great majority of these use The Cloud. I recommend Keepass, which doesn't use The Cloud. Why? Because the moment you can't touch your data, it's no longer yours. The Blur password manager was just discovered to have a ridiculous amount of their data open to everyone. This is precisely what I warned about. This was a configuration error, discovered in December, with no idea when it started. Since it was a configuration error, one would think the problem started as soon as it went online. Regardless of which you use, your data is elsewhere; susceptible to hackers and config errors. You might as well put your password on a sticky note on your monitor. There's s reason I wear a tin foil hat, and it's not because I like being laughed at. Ok, a little.



  • After an airplane crash, an autopsy is always done on the cockpit crew, to look for alcohol or drugs, whether they survived or not.




Iphone users: if you have any of the listed games, they're communicating and sending data to Bad Places. This is odd, as Apple prides itself on vetting its apps.

Commando Metal: Classic Contra
Super Pentron Adventure: Super Hard
Classic Tank vs Super Bomber
Super Adventure of Maritron
Roy Adventure Troll Game
Trap Dungeons: Super Adventure
Bounce Classic Legend
Block Game
Classic Bomber: Super Legend
Brain It On: Stickman Physics
Bomber Game: Classic Bomberman
Classic Brick – Retro Block
The Climber Brick
Chicken Shoot Galaxy Invaders





  • If you're a linux user, aliases are great things. You can take a long command and shorten it to a few letters. This applies to the command line only. 



A lawsuit was filed against the Weather Channel because their app misled its users about how it would use their personal information. 

Tin foil advice: most, if not all apps, are excuses to mine your personal information. When you install (android) apps, they frequently ask for way more permissions than needed. I have a word find app that asked for mic, location, camera, and several others. We all know these are not needed. When they are, it's purely for your data. Pay attention to what the apps request. You can also take permissions back inside android or uninstall the app. As a rule, I don't install apps that replace logging into a website, for this very reason. Faceyspaces is the worst offender by far: demanding access to things like your contacts, so it can mine them for information. If you must use Faceyspaces, use a browser - not the app. This is good advice for all apps.





  • I don't know about you, but I'm going to forget all my own advice against Internet of Things devices and buy this Kohler smart toilet, which promises an immersive experience. Although I thought the idea of a toilet was to avoid an immersive experience...



Dear lefty:
  • A cornucopia of cunning linguists asks why there's so much information tech and security stuff here.
  • You are what you eat.







Thursday, February 7, 2019

Philly is Hell with Steak Sandwiches

Philly: it's not a climate, it's a plague.

It's snowing. Of course it's snowing - snow is what it does when it isn't raining.
For days, they've been forecasting snow. Light, heavy, coming from Kentucky (drunk snow), won't be much locally. Naturally I woke up this morning and was told 2-6". Of course that much snow - it's my only day out of the house (even voluntary agoraphobes get out now and then).  All plans scuttled. The plans included the best milkshakes in the area, so you know I'm PISSED.

My phone's weather app said a dusting. Two news sources said 2-4 or 3-6. Of course we got 1/2", which wouldn't have killed our plans. Oh, the perfidy, the utter sadness and shame. 

Score one for open source weather apps.
And just for fun, there's a little sun out. This is Mother Nature, on crack, laughing at me.



  • Commercial: If your gums bleed when you brush, you could have gingivitis.
  • You could also have cancer. NEXT!



While tuning around, I noticed local coverage of some game or other. It had the morning news crew and one said, "blah blah football blah blah and the game will start in 40 minutes." They were sitting at a huge table, full of food. I know pre-game goes on for about 8 hours, but people are sitting there, watching the anchors eat. The show after this features evening news anchors picking their noses. Meanwhile, the game itself is a bunch of large men wiping their asses with 100 dollar bills that the fans gave them for a cheap seat.



Dear lefty:

  • Marvin Michaels, from Mounting, Montana asks "What are you - some kinda liberal?"
  • Did you see any doctors when you were little?




I just washed my hands in the kitchen sink. Apparently I used the wrong soap... my hands smell like.... woman. No, that's not why I washed them. Why can't we just use soap? Or some sort of liquid soap? I smell like flowers. I'm not exactly a mountain man, but I'd prefer not to smell like flowers (or eat that 'salad' that looks like someone ran a mower into a flower bed). From a practical standpoint, a huge chemistry department went through the trouble of finding a chemical that would make your hands stink after washing. This means your hands are never really clean after you wash them.



  • The Who is coming.  Well, at least 50% of them.



A California judge has ruled that police can't force people to unlock a mobile phone with their face or finger.  If you could POOF yourself back 20 years, you'd hear jokes about putting out fires with your face.

I wonder if the esteemed judge had anything to say about the TSA....




Dear lefty:

  • Rubin Robinson, Rebar Researcher, wants to know why the sun is yellow.
  • Dear Robin: don't be lazy - do the science yourself... visit the sun.















I Picked A Bad Day to Give Up Printing

Just let me rant.

In the Unreasonable Expectations category, printing a single page is certainly near the top.

I forgot to install my printer.
No problem - plug it in and it's installed. Except for the small fact it won't print, all is well.
I could tell already that this was going to be another snowball from hell, rolling downhill to run me over. Is it personal? Sometimes it feels like it.

The printer kept saying it stopped. Well, the software did - the printer says READY, as it sits there, mocking me and blinking away.  Maybe it doesn't like snow (I don't either). No matter what I do, I can't get it to do anymore than it's doing. Desperate, I switch to a lesser operating system, which doesn't even see the printer. Super.

Back to linux, I ran some utilities, which told me I was missing just a few files (57 and a half). Ok, I'll play your game... I installed them, yet the printer continued to mock and challenge me.

Ok, let's visit HP, which has all sorts of drivers and utilities and headaches, but very few pain relievers. Finding drivers is a bit rough, as HP's web designers get better drugs than the rest of us. Or they just like screwing with the customers (like their printers). I'll have you know it went in flawlessly last time. The website wanted to identify my printer. But it failed. So I tried another browser, which also failed. I tried yet a third browser, completely open to HP and viruses, which also failed. Apparently HP wants a special browser, with features unavailable in normal browsers. I remember this from somewhere, deep in the past... like the last time I tried to find something on HP's site. Ok, let me just pick a driver from a list. Oops, you can't do that... it would contravene the Geneva Convention, like using your turn signals. It's really sad when you have to use a search engine to find which page you need on the site you're visiting now. The first page wanted to identify my printer again. VAIR ARE YOUR PAPERZ? it asked. My system replied PAPERZ? WE DON'T NEED NO STINKING PAPERZ. The second link was back to HP, where it wanted my printer's model. My typing is particularly bad today, so 5 minutes later, I finally got the correct model typed in. And HP couldn't find it. I tried a few more times, with different orders of letters (and different yelled words), with the same response.

At this point, HP has essentially said the universe is not as I understand it. Basically, I don't have the printer sitting next to me because it doesn't exist. This is quite the metaphysical dilemma. We can all plainly see it. I can even hear it mocking me. Yet it doesn't exist. And it's still snowing. Let's put this in plain language: you believe in Jesus. Jesus happens to be sitting next to you, doing Jesus things... healing, blessing, damning people to an eternity with Flo from Progressive Insurance. You go online to ask Hewlett Packard if Jesus wore plaid and it tells you Jesus doesn't exist. You can clearly see Jesus, and you've been chatting merrily with him for an hour or two, so you're a bit confused, especially concerning the whole holiness business. You took your medicine, haven't started drinking yet, and have the complete assurance of Jesus himself that he exists, yet HP says he doesn't. Are you starting to get my dilemma now?  You then head out to some other Jesus sites on the web, but the search engines have no links for Jesus, even when I type his name correctly.  We need to dig Einstein up to explain this for us, although perhaps in this universe he doesn't exist. In that case, the guy in the wheelchair is unlikely to assist us either.

Back to searching; a software site, replete with loads of HP drivers, confirmed the non-existence of my printer. The printer must be feeling some kinda way by now. Or it has gone incognito, in which case the clearly printed model number was falsified by someone or some printer. Do you see my dilemma? Do I? This is after 2 cups of coffee the size of a Hyundai, so I'm marginally awake.

I narrowed my search to the model number and 'for linux'. The first site had all sorts of drivers for all versions of Windows and some Macs, but not one linux. These were all drivers for the printer that doesn't exist, confusing me even further. If Jesus were still here, I'd ask him why this is.  The second link took me to a cleverly hidden HP page for my exact printer, which HP said doesn't exist. Can you smell my frustration from my typing? The 2 options ask whether my version of Windows is 32 or 64 bit and I don't see my operating system listed. Well, I refuse to answer Windows questions, especially deeply personal ones like this, so I went with the operating system link. It told me that the drivers should already be present in linux, which I already knew, but the computer didn't. I downloaded the driver in a tarball, which has absolutely nothing to do with heroin, although I might be headed that way in about 5 minutes. It was a small download, about 3gigs, which took up a few of my spare hard drives (after I cleaned all the hamster pr0n from them).  The file made some suggestions that were anatomically impossible, so I figured I'd use the IT Crowd method: did you try turning it off and turning it on again?

Having read the above, can you guess how the IT Crowd method went?
Yup. No change.

I figured I'd give it the weekend off, to recharge and download new ways to terrify me. I also gave me the weekend off, to sleep, take up recreational pharmaceuticals, and beg the wife to spank me.

#####################

In spite of the day of the week persistently being Monday, I had to tackle the beast. I thought the weekend off would recharge me...  it recharged me for more recharging.

The voices told me to uninstall the HP printing software. They sounded reasonable this time, so off I went, followed by a reinstall. HP was very helpful, in that it let me download their version of the software, and provided instructions on installation. When I say instructions, I mean a few paragraphs about installing a previous version, from about 1985. They said if this part or that part didn't work, you just do xxxx.  This would not be possible for some users, but fortunately I'm a masochist and Hyundai-herder, so I went forth. It produced a few error messages that even HP couldn't decipher, involving hieroglyphics and lewd pictures of alligators. I'm weak on my alligator, so I just went with the defaults and completely refused to acknowledge the errors. You know the drill... if you don't acknowledge them, they do not exist.

The new software worked perfectly. It didn't take long to install, had no errors (that I acknowledged), and installed the printer perfectly. *except it didn't print. Same error. I briefly considered reaching through the internet and telling HP exactly how I feel about their software, but I'm told that's rude, like suggesting the owners of a work computer that it might work better if connected to a car battery, with a pair of battery cables.  I get a gold star for that... 10 years ago, I would've plowed ahead and suggested it with a smile.

I managed to find an error. Linux also found the error and asked me if I wanted to submit it. I did, then felt really bad, because I heard that every time an Ubuntu person received an error with HP in it, they shoot (usually themselves... usually). Since HP's error was the same error as the first time, I decided to do the right thing and shoot. Since I couldn't decide on who to shoot, I refused to acknowledge that I installed the printer and installed it again.

POOF - IT PRINTED!!!!!!!!!!!!

When they picked me up off the floor, I tried again, just to make sure it didn't print in my dreams after I passed out. It continued to print. I could feel, at that moment, the Flying Spaghetti Monster smiling down upon me. Then I tripped and fell on my face.

The moral of the story is to avoid alligators.
And to always install 2 of the same printer, because Printer won't print, but Printer2 will.





P.S. If you're really bored, put on some Monty Python and some pr0n at the same time. You'll wind up watching pr0n with a laugh track. Or so I hear.






We can laugh, but history's last laugh will be loudest

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

That Was Fast. Too Fast.

I met her at my last job. A real down to earth lady and a genuine sweetheart, able to give back as good as she got, sometimes to a bunch of male coworkers. She bounced around at different positions and getting promoted out of departments. She got laid off and came right back as an IT person. She picked up quickly and was already a hit with everyone.

In fact, she was so nice,  she had to keep being told not to give people whatever they wanted, at the expense of taking care of other issues. She couldn't say no (a trait I admire in women).

Describing herself as a feco-phobe, she used to get Lemon Face whenever someone said 'butt sex.' She'd say ewwwwwwwwwwww. We named a piece of network equipment ewwwwwwwww, in her honor. We used to say 'butt sex' a lot, just to watch her reaction. This was a woman you could say anything to without a reaction. Except, apparently, butt sex.

At a work social outing, she met Mrs lefty and made fast friends, even doing strange arts and crafts at the outing. They laughed at our coworkers as they displayed their social ineptitudes (mine too).

I left, she left, and we did lunch, but she was pretty bad with email and we know how I am with Faceyspaces.

Today the text chain found me to let me know she left us.
She was a young woman with 4 kids.


ThermionicEmissions salutes and bids a sad farewell to Mupht.
The existential agita is high today.

Sunday, February 3, 2019

Bra Burning Had A Lot of Support

  • Work has its own way of doing things. The other day I got notice that my request was completed. (Last October)


Let me say something nice about the dog: she comes when called.
Let me say something that was observed: ripping apart all sorts of stuffed animals was bound to have an effect. Her output is very.... colorful.



Dear lefty:
  • Sam Suck, from Surrey, Saskatoon, South America, asks when we're going to feature stories on right handed people.
  • Dear Suck: you were dropped on your head a lot as a baby, weren't you...



The final, egregious insult to the tv-watching public was just observed: there is a dental commercial in the UK with a spokeslady I like to moon over.  The other day I saw the same commercial in the US and the hottie spoke American.  This is not acceptable. They think we don't know. Although the British accent sounded smarter and more trustworthy.




  • After doing the Science and proving that I cannot fly, I decided to stop trying. Even inadvertently. Ever helpful and safety-conscious, Wife went out and salted the ice. This morning we have ice with a lot of holes in it, like Jerry Seinfeld's comedy.




SNOW ALERT!!!!
It's that time again... I think they call it winter.
You know what that means.....PANIC!
There are two storms forecast for the weekend. Last time they forecast a dusting, then 3-6, and we got a dusting.

People were lined up at the supermarket before it opened. It's only a matter of time til the governor tells the National Guard to stop their research on medical marijuana and warm up. Shovels fly off the shelves, ice salt cannot be found, nor can thousand dollar snowblowers. A gallon of milk will go for $27.50 on the White Market and bread will be way beyond your means. Heaven knows you won't find anything in the stores. Except bologna and head cheese, which always seem to be in stock. That's because they're the same bologna and head cheese that were there when the store opened.




  • She was watching a movie so old, John Wayne had no rug.



It might be time to leave when your IT department gives you the password password1.




  • In the What Could Possibly Go Wrong department, Divers got to swim with one of the biggest great white sharks off Hawaii.



Millions of Oklahoma government files were exposed by a wide-open server. Patients with AIDS and FBI information (1986-2016) were available to anyone for about a week. The server was listed with a site that shows vulnerable servers and open devices connected to the net.

The FBI said not to worry, it was only 3 terabytes of data.
I'm kidding - they said nothing.




A baby was found dead in a Phoenix Amazon distribution center.
They really need to go easier on their packages.




Del Rio, Texas, got hit with ransomware attack, taking them offline and back to the ancient times of pen and pad (without the little i in front of it). No word on whether they got everything back together. All it takes to get back up is a good backup and a competent IT staff. I'll guess they weren't doing backups because 'they're not important' and 'we don't have the budget'.



Dear lefty:
  • My cousin wanna know if youz coming downa shoor onna weekend.
  • Horseradish.



A Microsoft partner portal exposed every support request filed worldwide. How do you measure something so large? Must be half the internet.



  • Two people were killed at an Alabama IHOP the other week. Apparently Waffle House was closed.