Friday, March 27, 2020

Captivity - Day 7

In true American spirit, the US has bested China in the number of Flying AIDS cases, with more than 82,000 reported. NOBODY surpasses the US.

  • It's only a matter of time til people start taking selfies with the victims of the Flying AIDS.

After all the guessing on the origin of The Flying AIDS, I think I nailed it: reading  BBC news, they were talking about social distancing of 2 meters. Everybody knows it's 6 FEET. This is a conspiracy on the part of Europe to force America to use their silly system of Grahams, metres, theatres, flavours, and Louvres. Guys - it failed miserably last time - don't bother trying again. You know damn well that your cars drive in miles per hour, not litres per kilograham. Limeys.

  • People are homeschooling - I think that's great. More people should. It keeps failing here because I can't get the dog to stop licking my face or social distance.

It's Friday - time to contemplate all the neat things you'll do with the entire family, trapped in your home, for an entire weekend. Makes you want to go back to work, doesn't it?

  • Speaking of work, 2 tested positive. I was out of the blast radius. I hope they're well.

A creature of habit, I charge my phone in the morning, in case I need it later, when I go out.     Oh.

The Loud Family lived across the street. Every member of the family was loud. The dog was loud. Even the termites were loud. One day the Loud Family moved out, loudly.  Ah, the quiet we looked forward to... noise. The next family certainly looked quiet. The children were quiet! The wife was quiet. The husband, on the other hand, made enough noise for several construction companies and a demolition outfit or two. We finally figured out he was redoing the house. But the electric tools went on day and night, When he was done remodeling, it turns out he started on the next renovation. There were certain walls with 27 levels of plywood. Whenever we wanted to nap, there was a switch between our pillow and table saw. Now that the Flying AIDS has taken over, it's been eerily quiet. So quiet you could hear paper drop in the street. I needed a little more noise. Eager to please, the guy across the street, through with his mower, started up the table saw. I think he was cutting the top off a car to make it a convertible. We heard noise all night too, but it was muted. Turns out he had to run a circular saw in the bedroom or he couldn't sleep.

Pennsylvania GOVERNOR WOLF, another incompetent, big government politician - just issued a stay at home order. Throw him out, legally and immediately. It would be nice if he could do one positive thing during his 2 terms. Why do we keep electing and re-electing these people? Will I be arrested for walking the dog? The dog will send him a 'present.'  Guess I should wait a bit before I call his office to tell them how I feel about his order....

Thursday, March 26, 2020

Captivity - Day 6

Still imprisoned.
Our semi-friendly guard has slightly unzipped his hazmat suit, having been here 2 weeks, figuring we're clean. Maybe tomorrow he'll take the coffee we keep offering him. The Pop Tarts are fresh too. We're still the only house on the block with a guard.

We're catching up on our bad 70s shows (that we never watched originally).
And the old game shows, where each contestant, host, and celebrity guest is dead (except Betty White, of course). Anything but TMZ and that furry show at the top of the ratings.

  • We are deeply saddened by the mask and rubber glove shortage. We donated all our rubber gloves to the hospital, and now we can't have sex.
  • It's also a great time to work on household projects. Or, in my case, to keep on ignoring household projects.

Wife said there are 3 kinds of people: hoarders, pack-rats, and normal people.
She is a pack-rat and she said I'm a hoarder. I'm not exactly sure what the difference is, but I dare not doubt her or ask for an explanation.

None of us are hoarders. How do I know?
We applied to go on that Hoarders show, but were rejected when they found out they could walk around freely, with no piles of newspapers over 2 feet. Also, our psychiatric diagnoses weren't spectacular enough... neither of us would even cry.

So I set out to document the difference between pack-rat and hoarder.
Both of us have the faceplate screw from a 1950 Hammarland tube shortwave receiver. These are valuable. If I understand correctly, the pack-rat doesn't remember what it's for and throws it out. The hoarder holds onto it, just in case a 1950 Hammarlund tube shortwave wanders into his house. It would have to wander, because it weighs around 60 pounds. Or maybe he can give it to somebody who needs it.

The pack-rat has half a house worth of Stuff, cleverly located in the middle of everything, in every room, mostly shoes. It required a board meeting with at least 2/3 present, to decide what's going. The hoarder has half a house worth of Stuff, but has it cleverly located where it's much harder to see. And nothing's going. Wait! We are hearing from the hoarder.. as a concession, he will throw out the remote control for a 1983 Radio Shack answering machine. He will not throw out the machine itself, in case he needs it somewhere down the road. Hang on... he has another magnanimous gesture: he will add the pushbutton phone with no # or * keys, even though it will be a collectors item (about 25 years after he's dead).

When there's a project, the pack-rat cannot find anything purchased specifically for any project and goes to the store for more of them. The hoarder goes to his collection of parts and finds everything he needs to build an electronic doodad (Shop At lefty's!).

The pack-rat buys slightly older Barbies because they will be worth something.
The hoarder bought a $50 guitar toy. Because a famous person was associated with it, it will be worth $500 or more, when he sells it.

The pack-rat put a Barbie steering wheel cover on her head, as a hair band. She realized she did it when the neighbors just shook their heads: this wasn't the first time. The hoarder is never bothered by neighbors because federal agencies routinely knock on their doors and ask questions about him.

See where I'm going here?
Neither do I.

  • Dunkin Donuts is still closed, despite a corporate statement they were open. Mrs lefty is going through detox. I want a damn frozen hot chocolate. We're simple people.

We have to be very careful with Penny. Dogs have gotten the Flying AIDS, so we need to make sure she doesn't. It's incredibly difficult to practice social distancing with a delightful fuzzy dog, who licks your face and sleeps between you two in bed.

  • It's funny and odd what captivity will do to people. The poor parents are now stuck with their kids, husbands and wives are stuck with each other, and boyfriends/girlfriends have decided to shelter separately. Divorce lawyers will make out wonderfully, if they're ever allowed to leave the house.
  • We don't have problems here. We're married AND actually like each other.
  • The only change is that Mrs lefty has turned into a raving nymphomaniac.
  • I had to get up early this morning, so that's all I remember of my dream.

New Jersey has a lot more cases of Flying AIDS than Pennsylvania.
I think it's a good idea to close the bridges so the Jersey-ites don't get into Philly. Of course I think this is a good idea 365 days a year. You don't have to pay a toll to get from Philly to Jersey but you do to get from Jersey to Philly. They knew people would pay handsomely to get out of New Jersey.

We're Going to Need Something Else to PANIC About

Making the worst of a horrible situation

Talking to friends, I realized what kind of shape we're in: financially, without hope, and looking for some tiny bit of... something... to make life tolerable.
In a nod to positivity, we've said the following:
  • The car overheated. It only cost $250 to fix!!!
  • The dog got sick. The vet bill was only $375 WITH blood work!
  • I opened the curtain and there was only 95% cloud coverage. There was even a tiny spot on the sidewalk that looked like it might start drying...
  • I put my frozen dinner in the microwave. Yes, it came out black, but I finally figured out how to set the power level!
  • Only 4 of my friends died of coronavirus!
  • My retirement account only lost 25% during the Great Coronavirus Panic of 2020!
  • the dog only got half of the thanksgiving turkey!

It's kinda sad when this is what we're excited about.
Although it does speak to the resilience of the human spirit...

Please comment with yours.

  • Things that are certain in life: death, taxes, and rain on the night the trash has to go out and/or when the bins have to come back. I kid you not.

We continue with news of The Great Coronavirus PANIC of 2020
Today's report is brought to you by Mrs lefty, woman on the street:
It's really dead out there.
Thank you, Mrs lefty.

A brief call to several local businesses had entire malls closed and entire malls open. Restaurants were open, but I wasn't allowed to go outside to visit them. Every website had the same disclaimer:

We apologize for coronavirus and for being a business and for being open, because our families have to eat too. We want you to know we have taken every precaution to keep our customers and employees safe. If an employee feels sick or has vomited up his intestines, he can get a note from his doctor and miss work that day. He won't be paid, though.
We have engaged the services of the best cleaners in the entire state. They show up in a nuclear green pretty serious-looking truck. They all wear hazmat suits and carry bottles that have 'Coronavirus Eradicator' written on them, in crayon.
I'm not kidding... they all say something to this effect. Ok, they don't say nuclear green - that was.... what's that thing called? Poetic license.
Wait, we have a bulletin from Mrs lefty:
Mrs lefty, I understand you were out checking on your mother in law today.
Yes, lefty, I was.
And how was she.
Well, lefty, she was in a panic.
Why is that?
She didn't have any bottled water.
A quick check on her yesterday revealed 6 one gallon jugs of water under the sink.
Exactly, lefty, but that's not enough for her. She drinks water, you know.
6 gallons?
No, but she wants to have it there just in case.
Good thing she doesn't need any toilet paper.
Heh heh heh, lefty. Back to you in the studio...

All of the past and current democratic primary candidates released a statement, blaming President Trump for the virus.

They were going to blame Hillary Clinton, but changed their plans when they started to disappear, one at a time. The coroner reported that they all committed suicide while handcuffed, shooting themselves twice in the back of the head, then hiding the gun.

  • Know who's suffering the worst from The Virus?
  • Hypochondriacs - the people who always think they're sick. They're feeling left out (and sick, of course) and are jamming emergency rooms across the country.
  • The National Guard has been mobilized, and have been authorized to shoot these people

Governor Andrew Cuomo (D-Uranus) is pleading with the president to mobilize the military to fight coronavirus. Do you want to explain it to him or should I?

In an attempt to stop a Hawaiian lava flow, the army bombed it in 1935.
WTF is wrong with us? We also bombed the Moon. There are other options... we don't have to bomb everything we see.

  • Everybody could use a little more cash. Since I don't make anything from blogging, I do what I can. I stand out on a corner, selling toilet paper and hand sanitizer. Mrs lefty ho's me out and calls me 'her main bitch,' whatever that means. She said if I do over $5,500, I get my own corner. If I do under $5,500, I take a beatin'.

A spokesman for Hollywood said that they are losing $20 billion, more or less, each weekend. As a result, Meryl Streep, Robert DeNiro, and Rob Reiner have released a statement, blaming Trump personally for the virus.

Things are pretty good at the lefty mansion.
Mrs lefty lets me out every 6-8 weeks (whether I want to or not).
But now that she's keeping me indoors because of the Flying AIDS, I suddenly want to go out. Why is that?  Maybe if I get her to tell me we're going out, I will calm down and go back to sleep in the basement.

  • What do you have when you find an open pie container, with most of the pie hollowed out but not the crust, and a spoon in the middle?
  • Kids

Israel takes step toward monitoring phones of virus patients.
Monitoring? We call that spying when the CIA/FBI/NSA does it.
Now is the time to watch carefully. See what goes on with restrictions and official reactions. Don't let it bog you down - just notice it.
Israel has some technology - they also use it to spy on us.

In his address, Netanyahu acknowledged the technology had never been used on civilians. But he said the unprecedented health threat posed by the virus justified its use. 

In the US, this would be largely the same, except it would be 'for the children.'

Today I identify as  Dolly Parton

List of Free Software and Services During Coronavirus Outbreak

  • Creepiest headline: What is a smart diaper and how does it work

In case you slipped and clicked the MS Edge browser's also sending serious data back to MS. Win 10 wasn't enough...

  • Apple bans COVID-19 games.
  • what an odd little company

Next time you complain about your period, remember MRKH Syndrome: the girl that was born without a vagina. Not kidding and not giggling.

  • Data of millions of eBay and Amazon shoppers exposed
  • Haven't we had enough of this? It's the same cause every time..

If you've got a few million to burn, check out McClaren's ELVA - it has no windshield.   For that price, it should sexually gratify you too.

  • Now that we're all working from home, let me give you my first tip
  • turn off... ummmm... anything you might be watching... when the boss calls.

Please use birth control - you don't want your kids to be known as coronavirus babies

Wednesday, March 25, 2020

Captivity - Day 5

2 males, in PA and NJ, have been arrested for purposely coughing on people and telling them they had coronavirus. The people were 57 and 50, which is a little shocking. I love a good joke, but that's not one of them.

Equifax still sucks eggs.
Irony: it's impossible for customers to access information, but hackers have an open door.

Our friends in DC have approved a $2 billion aid package.
Who's going to pay for this?
Is it taxable?
What kind of pork is in the bill?
I'm not saying it isn't a great offer, just wondering...
I am going to refuse my check (stop laughing). Every time I get a few spare dollars for the Guitar Fund, something comes along and eats it. I figure if I don't get any money, nothing bad will happen.

Trump has stated that he was thinking Easter for a return to work.
Idiot Mayor said he would rely on his experts, not the president. This is the sanctuary city mayor. He bends over for anything except the law. i strongly believe Trump will not make the decision unilaterally (and I didn't vote for him).

The trip to work was smooth - no dog toys on the steps.
Work was a little weird because it was full of meetings. Surprisingly, we actually get things done in meetings, but it's difficult when there are so many of them. It's also difficult to keep my mouth shut. Extremely difficult. Sometimes it builds up and I get a few words in. My boss understands and gives me a gold star for trying.  Because our team leader is out for a bit, people have started asking me questions. This is not a good thing, for them or for me. If you sound authoritive and certain, people will believe you, so I used that for a while. Although this helped, people will only call me next time, because I sounded so sure last time. I'm shooting myself in the foot, yet again. Both feet look like Swiss cheese.

But I'd never work anywhere else.

I leave you this evening with one question:
Why is my wife watching The Flintstones?

Tuesday, March 24, 2020

Captivity - Day 4

To the best of my knowledge, no additional restrictions have been put on our liberties, except that the state Supreme Court ruled that gun shops are not "life-sustaining". I wonder who defends the Supreme Court and do they have to show up without guns. 2nd Amendment, folks.

Penny remains positive, especially when it involves belly rubs.

Working from home continues to have a bright sheen on it. I want to do this permanently, or at least til Mrs lefty gets home from visiting family. There was no traffic this morning, owing to us putting Penny's toys away last night. The only pain it causes is when we have remote conferences: I have to keep my mouth shut. It hurts. My boss is a gentleman, who advised his entire team to act professionally. Mind you, he said ACT - not BE. Do you know how difficult it is not to tell my boss' boss that he's wrong? Most conferences, I have Mrs lefty tie my hands behind my chair. Then leave them there for later.

Certain rules are mandatory at home: the most important being the MUTE BUTTON. You have no idea how much can leak from your home office when you forget to use the MUTE BUTTON. I went absolutely ballistic on a worthless Microsoft program and found out everyone was treated to my little love poem to Microsoft. Hundreds. Many of these stupid conferencing programs don't bother to remember your preferences, so always check first. That mute button - does that mean it's already muted or do I press it to mute. What were these people smoking when they designed this?

Then 4 hours of begging the wife to turn off TMZ.

Dunkin Donuts is closed. Two in the area.
Dunkin should qualify as mission-critical.
This is terrible... these folks are hourly and they have no income. There's nothing wrong with coffee. Idiot Governor strikes again. Government is not going to help us. 

The convenience store was open, practicing social distancing, with the floors marked in 6' squares. Fair enough. Only they had to make your coffee. Asking for extra cream and 12 sugars must be embarrassing. Asking for good coffee was even more difficult. Fortunately they still had the strawberry icee drinks with whipped cream.  Penny was all over the whipped cream. Not so much the strawberry.

As if it's not bad enough we're getting played by our own government, I got played by my own wife.  "Can you help me put some twigs in bags?" Sure - I don't want you bending down and hurting yourself. [Mistake #1]

Use these bags.
Aren't they large? [Mistake #2]
Yes, everything's in piles.
There sure are a lot of piles here.
I'm trimming some bushes.
The bushes are dead. [Mistake #3] Didn't you say you needed help picking up some twigs? There is a small truckload of twigs here.
But I got you a lot of bags. [HER Mistake #1]
Don't I have to do the dishes?
Yes, but this first [HER Mistake #2]
Don't we have some indoor priorities?
Outdoors is every bit as important.
Gee, it looks like you're in pain - maybe you should stop now.

Hey, that was the neighbor. She said it was weird to see you gardening, not to mention outside. [HER last mistake]

* please remember: anybody with 2 live brain cells is going to remain home and work from home. Observe social distancing, just in case.  What we don't need is some overbloated, money-stealing organization making it law and drafting the state police to enforce it. The government cannot organize a sock drawer, no less a pandemic.

Monday, March 23, 2020

Captivity - Day 3

Covid-19: the biology of an effective therapy.
A vaccine may not arrive for at least a year, so what to do?
Tell your SO that sex has been shown to help prevent it, but only in sufficient quantity. What is sufficient quantity? Whatever you say it is.

The day started out like any other, except for the major virus and working from home. I have to admit my coffee is light years better than in the office. We have a Keurig machine at work, but it's a fact that the closer to Philly water you are, the worse the water tastes. By the time it hits our house, it has had a chance to mellow, by eating the pipes on its way.

Working at home is pretty cool - I don't know why I didn't start earlier.
Oh yeah - my boss told me no.
I told him we all needed to be using linux.
He was amused.
Now it's ok to use linux to work from home.
Vindicated, once again.
Let's face it - when Windows machines connect to the network, they're likely to be full of viruses anyway (97%, according to an article last week).

The dog is over the moon because I'm home.
Mrs lefty, not so much.
She's one of those Loud Talkers on the phone, so she's banished to the back yard every time the phone rings.
This has the effect of rolling downhill: whenever Wife goes out back, Dog comes into the office and stares pitifully at me. I have been reduced to a doggie door opener.

Idiot Governor Wolf considering shelter-in-place order.
Idiot Governor Wolf considering opening alcohol stores (it's state run in PA).
Idiot Governor Wolf wants all non-essential businesses closed at 8am this morning.
Idiot Governor Wolf's subjects ask where to send their bills if forced to close.
Idiot Governor Wolf calling on state police to enforce business closures.
Idiot Governor Wolf needs to find out the meaning of trebuchet.
Idiot Mayor Kenney has declared no non-essential people work in Philadephia. I'll bet he's forcing the $250/night hotels to house his illegal aliens.

A Portland strip club was forced to close, so the employees started delivering food. Perfect example of adjusting to the times. It still doesn't explain why burgers are $50....

There is some sad news for guitar players: Seymour Duncan has to stop work on their famous pickups for the time being, but they are available to answer questions.

We used to call it WFH: Working From Home.
Let's be safe out there... let me provide a few tips, which the very intelligent people who read ThermionicEmissions don't need...

  1. Update your operating system
  2. Virus scan your operating system
  3. Back up your important files, just in case
  4. For the maximum protection, plug right into your router - no wireless
  5. If you are using wireless, make sure your wireless system is set to use WPA2 - anything else is NO GOOD. You're flying a red flag that says "HACK ME!" Turn off the feature that auto-joins pc's to your router (WPS?).
  6. If possible, use one computer only for work. Keep it clean, although you should keep all computers clean.
  7. It's a royal PITA, but use a computer's firewall. Windows has one, as does linux.
  8. See #1 and #2
  9. Once a week or so, clean the PC. Bleach Bit is a great program, but pay attention to the settings or your computer will 'forget' things.
  10. Mac and linux have LittleSnitch, which is sort of a firewall. Use it.
  11. Remember to take care of yourself too.
  12. Nobody pays attention to this, but you're at your computer desk for 8 house a day. Go ergonomic: set your chair so your elbows are at a 90 degree angle. Do not bend your wrists up to get to the keyboard: this will result in pain and possibly repetitive stress injury. Check out an ergonomic keyboard - I love them. Get a comfortable mouse - some are wireless. Take frequent breaks (you can set a timer to schedule them).
  13. Remember: if you have sex with your SO, it counts as having sex at work
  14. if you have any questions, please ask. I've been doing this for a while.
  15. Don't open email. Any email. Especially if it's corona-themed. If it's from a friend, ask them if they sent it before opening it. The subhumans are taking advantage of the virus to spread malware.
  16. You'll be much safer with Mac or linux (had to)

These tips are good in general. Don't wait for a human or computer virus to pop up before observing good computer hygiene.

You've Got Your Pandemic on my Rhinocerous

Catholic priests are so upset about COVID-19....


They're so upset, they're demanding clean COVID-19 tests from little boys before molesting them.

[you know you'll be telling that one at work tomorrow]

Cell Phone Stupidity

Verizon is offering a phone plan that contains a Yahoo Mail account.
Next they will offer a plan that includes an AOL account and a bag phone.

Comcast mistakenly published names, phone numbers, and addresses of nearly 200,000 customers who paid monthly fees to make their numbers unlisted.
Customers paid $3.50 to $5.50 monthly for this service. Comcast will not be satisfied until they have sucked every cent possible out of you. Then they'll find a way to get more.  This is a perfect example of a duopoly: Philly allowed only 2 cable companies to operate: Verizon and Comcast. More competition would drive prices to more reasonable levels.

  • Are female urinals the answer to queues at the loos?
  • What a tremendous idea... women's bladders are smaller than men's, so the lines are always longer.

Alex Jones ordered to stop selling fake coronavirus cures, by New York attorney general. Apparently generating coronavirus PANIC is ok, though. New York desperately wants to be the new California, and is working very diligently toward it. Like him or not, leave Alex alone. It truly is the responsibility of the buyer, not government. The AG referred to Jones' 'latest mistruths'.  I wonder if it's ok to sue an Attorney General for this. It's defamation, but apparently there are no statutes against that.  If nothing else, Alex is quite (inadvertently) funny. No one else would bullhorn the Bilderberg meetings.

Data of millions of eBay and Amazon shoppers exposed
To their credit, eBay and Amazon are not involved; instead it was a third party. So you're still exposed. What can you do?

  • The White House told federal health agency to classify coronavirus deliberations
  • Just cut it the f- out. There's always need for secrecy, but we're beyond out of hand now. We pay YOU, yet you decide what we can and can't see? Government for and by the people, not leading the country, doing what you feel like.
  • If we had a real pandemic, these 'public servants' would classify that too. The people have no 'need to know.'

AT&T CEO pay rose to $32 million in 2019 while he cut 20,000 jobs
To be clear, I have no trouble with corporate salaries. I am not a socialist and don't believe these people are obligated to share their wealth. What bothers me is that he did it on the backs of those 20,000 ex-employees (most likely among other things). This is a personal opinion, and out of step with the libertarian position that it's a private company and can do what it wants. I'm am not a hypocrite: I just hold 2 differing opinions at the same time.  There was also a hedge fund involved here somewhere; it was over who was going to maintain the hedges outside the corporate offices.

  • One of the reasons I like Firefox is the addons. My latest is Mouse Gesture Events. You'd be surprised (maybe you wouldn't) what you can do with just a mouse gesture.  Forward, backward, shut current page and go backward, all sorts of stuff. It's in the normal addons spot.
  • Another is ColorfulTabs. The default Firefox has tabs that are all the same color. This auto-colors them so the one on top is easy to find. You can also make it use colors you prefer.
  • If you're running Firefox under linux and want to use the Backspace key to go back a page, open about:config, search for browser.backspace_action, change the 2 to zero. Done. Test to make sure.

One newspaper asked if the 2020 elections could be postponed because of the virus.  No, the country would never get that lucky.

An article in the Guardian says that the virus is creating hell on OCD patients who are compulsive hand-washers. Part of the treatment is not washing their hands.  Up until recently, those antibacterial dispensers weren't for viruses: they were OCD tests.

  • Everyone's favorite dictator and Wild and Crazy Guy, Vladimir Putin, signed a boatload of amendments to the Constitution (not specified whose), allowing him to run for Dictator once more. The amendment after that one had him winning the election.
  • Not to be ignored, the Bernie Bros have stated that they'd rather hand Trump the presidency than vote for Biden. When the NY Post published this, they used the word 'exodus.' I thought they meant the socialists were leaving the country. Oh well.....

Everybody's favorite perv uncle, Joe Biden, forgot the year and wandered out of frame during a livestream. This man is presidential material. THIS is the Joe Biden we wanted to see while he was Vice President. It has been speculated that President Obama told the Secret Service to tie Uncle Joe to a chair for 8 years. Unless they find him with a 5 year old in a hotel, where pictures and video are already on the internet, this is the presumptive democratic nominee for president.

  • Being stubborn, rigid may lower your risk of Alzheimer's.
  • Hello... this is my wild card! Not only won't I get Alzheimer's, neither will my entire family. I have enough stubborn for the East Coast of the US.


Happy Easter to those who celebrate (or care).
Although I'm not Catholic, I want you who are to enjoy whatever it is that you do.

In truth, I am part of a large, non-Catholic denomination that celebrates Easter. We are commonly known as the Holy C (candy). The malted balls are a favorite here, as well as the Reese's white chocolate candy.  As with any group, we had to split into 2: the people who dive right in, and the people who wait a day, til the candy goes on sale. Having been both, sometimes on the same day, I belong to the Sale Group. If I find myself at an Easter celebration and there's candy, I will switch over to the Dive Right In group for the day. I know, I know, religious hypocrisy. But let's face it: I'd have to want to leave the house and go to an Easter celebration for that to happen.

Since I'm not Catholic, my view of Easter is largely candy, complicated by reality. It's never fun when reality creeps into the picture. So I'm going to explain Easter to my fellow non-Catholic readers (so you'll only sound like a partial doofus at gatherings).  Warning: if you are an easily-offended Catholic, you want to stop reading right now. Solution: if you are easily-offended, you wouldn't be reading this blog, so....

Easter: Jesus comes out of his cave and looks around. If he goes back in, with a sad look on his face, we get another 6 weeks of gloomy weather (this happens regardless of Jesus where I live). If he goes jogging, it will be a good year for the crops (and thusly, Monsanto).  The final option, Jesus doing miracles, has been hoped for over 2,000 years. He will heal the sick (putting doctors and insurance companies out of work, so their lobbies got this option taken off the sheet). He will cure ailing cars (putting mechanics out of work, so they, too, got this removed from the list). Lastly, he will create peace the world over. This option proved the most difficult. This would force the Military Industrial Complex to starve, ruining entire economies, and giving millions nowhere to fight, causing worldwide starving. Jesus had no way of knowing that Peace = Starvation. Also put out were the politicians, who pretended to care about peace, and the one actually working for it. Lastly, President Trump was all set, in his third term, to create peace in the middle east, so he's Very Mad at Jesus. His only remaining satisfaction is that he's still richer than Jesus. They will go on to be great friends - the best of friends. Can I have a hand for Jesus? Jesus will be white-listed at all the presidents' golf clubs, resorts, and hotels (although I'd stay away from New York for a few years).

Stations of the Cross: this is where you guess how many gas stations will be open on Easter Sunday. This is a very complex religious game, because many stations have not set their hours yet. Exceptions: any gas station that produces its own food, like Fried Quickie Chicken. Any station run by a Sikh, and anything with an expiration date. The stations are north, south, east, and Bob.

Palm Sunday: This is where the devoted, the semi-devoted, and the people who are dragged into it by relatives, for some reason, beat each other about the head and shoulders with palms. At this point, they realized that this palm thing isn't all that bad, right?  This is also the time when the non-Catholics start to pay attention and think maybe these Catholics have a point. However, they want to modify Palm Sunday so the celebration is done at individual homes, sometimes with only 2 people, sometimes with up to 25.  Sssshhhhhhh  - the safe word is BUNNIES.

Ash Wednesday: People go to church, whereupon a person in a very silly white getup puts ashes on their forehead. The first time I saw this, I was aghast... how could people walk around with dirty foreheads for an entire day? My friends, bless them, took me aside and explained it to me. Then I became privately aghast. I have it on good authority that children sometimes celebrated this holiday in their own individual tradition: they smoked a cigarette, while writing their excuse notes for school, and put the ashes on their foreheads. This only worked once, because Catholic mothers know the difference between cigarette ashes and Proper ashes. Even modern science can't tell the difference, but MOM can. They just never asked her. Oddly enough, Jewish mothers can also tell, but nobody asked them either. The Jews think Jesus was ahead of his time: he worked at the first ever Car Wash. This gave him a lot of spare time to do miracles and stuff.

Jesus: I was really far out of the loop on Jesus, so it took quite a while to figure out this whole Father, Son, and Holy Ghost thing. You can't be 3 people.... unless.... Jesus with the first with multiple personalities! Just wait til the church starts fighting with psychology! The church will say there's no such thing as multiple personalities. Psychology will say there's no such thing as Jesus. It will be funny to watch for the first few hundred years; after that, it will get tedious.

Good Friday: The Catholics, overnight, in a quiet raid, borrowed a worldwide tradition. After an entire week of working, we celebrate by getting drunk, having sloppy sex, hugging telephone poles, eating things that don't go well with alcohol, and drinking alcohol that doesn't go well with other alcohol. Everybody looks forward to Friday. When the Catholics 'appropriated' it, they gave official standing to Friday Activities. The only thing they changed was during sloppy sex, you cannot use a condom, and you have to have sloppy sex strictly for having a baby.  Good Friday happens 52 times a year, but officially it only happens once. If you forget and use a condom in your drunken state, you must enter the Holy Closet and whip out a few bills for the poor and the PAL (Priests Alcohol Locker).  You are forgiven, and free to go out and do it again next Friday.

Super Saturday: This is a brand new (under 1,547 years) tradition that means nothing. Saturday just felt lonely, between Good Friday and Easter Sunday, thus was given its own holiday. We all have the person in the family who thinks he deserves his own holiday.... no one invites him to family parties, yet he shows up anyway.

Easter Sunday: on this day, most of the stores are closed. This is the way you can tell Catholics are serious about this holiday. Skipping ahead a few months, this is why the Jews eat Chinese food on their holidays. The Catholics have no choice but to eat at delicatessens, where they think corned beef is some dark shade of red, not brown, as Jesus decreed.

Easter Monday: when the candy sales start. Also typically when employers give their employees the day off, in celebration of Jesus the candy sales.

  • According to a Vatican exorcist, one exorcism he presided over had the person levitate and stay on the ceiling for 6 hours.
  • YOU - You get down off the ceiling and get exorcised, you demon from hell. This is precisely what my mother used to say to me.

Today I identify as   a missing COVID-19 test kit, going for $1950 on Ebay

Heroes of the Stupid

Utah may make it illegal for cops to masturbate in their cars.
Is there a need for this law? what about at home?

SJW Saltiness

Bulletin: It's racist to shut down travel from places that are heavily diseased.
It's racist to identify where the disease came from.

Furry hate is always just a cover for queerphobia
not when the #1 show in the nation features furries...

Tammy Bruce: Dem erasure of Tulsi Gabbard is the ultimate misogyny
Damn - I thought having a penis was the ultimate misogyny

Sunday, March 22, 2020

Captivity - Day Two

TV is getting interesting. Rather, the commercials are getting interesting. I'll bet you never thought that would happen. Food delivery has expanded and become less expensive. A large hoagie chain offers buy one/get one. A large pizza chain has deals (although they shouldn't be allowed to call that stuff pizza). I feel sorry for the people and businesses who are hurt.

Financial institutions are offering emergency loans. Guitar companies are happy to ship anything you want, and get it on sale. Eastwood is having a sale on lefty guitars only.

Amazon is hiring another 100,000 employees to deal with the expanding volume of orders. Amazon employees are very unhappy because it's business as usual, with no precautions. Perhaps the additional 100,000 are replacements (sshhhhhh). Comcast offers basic service at a basic price for a while. If you're a customer, you're welcome to keep your service at the bargain rate of $265 per month, if you have tv, and $100 if you only have internet.

I can't find breakfast foods, like Raisin Bran. I may have to make some angry calls. If you want yogurt, you had better be mad for raspberry lime, because even starving people won't eat raspberry lime. Don't worry - it's available in great quantities. Until I locate Raisin Bran, I have no choice but to eat my weight in chocolate chip muffins. Fair is far.


But seriously.

Screw you, Governor, you haven't interrupted my routine. I even got up early for a Sunday, around 11.  And then again at 3. You know you're doing well when your first nap of the day doesn't occur for hours after you get up.

We were getting all sorts of bored, so a grocery trip was planned. It's pretty sad when you're excited about grocery shopping. All I saw was signs talking about social distancing. They recommend 6'. I had a tremendous idea: I'd dress like an antenna, with each of the radials being 6' long, in each direction. Wife would have been impressed, had she been listening. She says it's hearing loss, which is certainly a creative excuse. But 6' is a tremendous idea normally, although I prefer 50' in all directions. Someone told me my way of life has finally been vindicated.

I thought now would be a great time to own a t-shirt company. COVID Collector, COVID Donator, Back Off, Leave me alone - I might have it. You know, the typical antisocial stuff. I don't know why, but I'm often told my 'great ideas' are not appropriate for my age. I'll be making fart jokes as they plant me.

A huge imitation burger chain now offers hands-free drive through. A very popular electronics store with a yellow sign also offers hands-free driveup.

Off to the grocery store, I'm impressed with the amount of food and lack of shoppers. Announcements about social distancing play and there are signs stating that certain items are restricted. It looked good, it felt good, and it was good, right up til we hit the 2nd aisle. It weird to see full shelves with 10' gaps, where stuff used to be. Very little water and toilet paper was pure unobtainium. The bakery section was all there and fresh. Cereal was funny - chocolate covered chocolate bits were there aplenty. I wanted some decaf coffee for later in the day, lest the blog entries get even more frantic. Barely one box.

No bread, no peanut butter, and no soup, unless you like cream of cauliflower. Let's face it - these cans go back 25 years, to when the store opened. Even the rodents in the store won't eat cream of cauliflower. Literally no soup. No pasta, no sauce. Tons of salad dressing, but it would only be good on cream of cauliflower soup because romaine lettuce was ridiculously expensive. They weren't price gouging - apparently this is what lettuce costs. No iceberg lettuce. Most other fruits and veggies were well represented. No frozen pizzas (HORROR!) and only very expensive ice cream. Either they had lots or none.

We left and went in search of frozen hot chocolate at Dunkin Donuts. We heard that they were open, but takeout only. Annnnd they were closed. We hope it was just closed for the day. We'd miss our drinks, plus our friends there aren't in good shape to suffer closure. No one is.

Tomorrow I work, again from home. The traffic was murder on Friday. There was a backup due to dog toys on the steps. My coworkers are all concerned about working from home.... well, what I mean is their wives are all concerned about them working from home. Fighting Hours are from 7am to 11pm, plus they get agitated when their boyfriends can't come by during the day.

Still - throw the governor out.

Saturday, March 21, 2020

Captivity - Day One

Idiot governor Tom Wolf declared closure as of last night, so Pennsylvania is locked down.

I got up early this morning, around 1pm, and surveyed the damage.
It was sunny, which only served to add to the confusion. This happened because idiot governor and state legislature ruled that it can only be sunny once a week at most. Mother Nature obeyed.

The guard posted at our door nodded good morning. I invited him in for coffee; he seemed about ready to come in, then he recoiled. For some reason, we're the only house on the block with a guard. He has a hazmat suit, so I figure he's one of idiot governor's boys. We make coffee a lot and leave the door open, so he can smell the rich aroma of French roast. If they're going to stand outside, we're going to play with them.

Mrs lefty had been on the phone. This is not actually different from normal. She talked to all our relatives, plus some other people's relatives.  She revealed the discussions to me, when I fell down the stairs at 1pm. Everybody was calm. Most knew there was something off with this. There is nothing sweeter than vindication.

If you're going to be held hostage in your house, the present is a decent time, strictly in the area of technology. You have the internet, phones, and video conference. Unless, of course, the other end of the video has an iDevice, then you're f'd. iDevices use Facetime, which no other device on the planet does, so you have to find another way to do things.  Hint: the encrypted text messenger called Signal has video too, and runs on all phones or computers.

Me? I'm still furious.
We are big boys and girls. We can make our own decisions. If we want to play at Corona Playground, there's no reason we shouldn't. We have had our movement restricted for no good reason, nor is there a good reason to restrict movement.

Stay with me a moment, please.
If you have a brain cell in your head, you're not going out close-dancing. You're going out for food, medicine, and hopefully to help others. There is no radical change - you use your best sense. We do not need to be restricted in movement. The government isn't going to rid us of anything but tax money. This is a perfect explanation of why we don't need Big Government. In fact, many Big Government roadblocks have been removed, so food and services can continue. Just like the libertarians said. You don't need all that crap to live your life. The roadblocks aren't helping anybody.

  • most importantly: remain calm
  • if absolutely necessarily, watch the news or check social media ONCE a day. More than that is toxic: it focuses you on Bad.
  • help others, especially the elderly and sick - there have been all sorts of stories of neighborhoods getting together, maintaining help groups and keeping in touch by email.
  • make Family Time. This ancient art existed before Faceyspaces. Play board games. Tell scary stories. Watch some absolutely hideous tv.  What manly men haven't played Barbies with their little girl? What manly men haven't played Barbies without their little girl? What manly men haven't played dress up like Barbie? Please don't respond to that question.

Mrs lefty stated that the captivity will have some consequences: family feud, divorces, alcoholics, and Corona Babies. Please use contraception unless you are already trying for a baby. I'm thinking about alcoholism, but my old boss suggested drugs. He said it took too long to get good at alcoholism. RIP, you big dummy.

I'm thinking of removing our car's muffler and painting FREE CORONAVIRUS on the sides of the car, so I can go cruising. If you're in the hood, stop by and see me. I'll be just in front of the police car with the flashing lights. You should probably wait the til police car goes away first. You don't want idiot governor to throw you in gulag without hazmat suit.

Friday, March 20, 2020

If You've Got a Virus Up There, I'm Not Scanning for It

Let's start with some good old "hey, that's cool!"
Arcimoto is testing its electric rapid responder with a fire department
It's a 3 wheel electric vehicle. The fire company is having fun with it.  I always wanted to be a fireman, but I discovered there aren't a lot of positions for firemen who can't stand heights or when it gets too hot. Other than that, I'd be #1 on the squad.

  • Huawei expects a 20% drop in phone sales, thanks to lack of Google apps
  • Hell - if the hardware didn't come from China, the lack of Google apps would be a plus for everyone!

Dear Russia:
We have read many stories of alleged interference with our elections.
We have noticed a serious uptick in the number of Russian readers, for which we are thankful. IF any of you have come here to affect the next election, whoever you're getting your intel from is smoking crack again. This blog couldn't influence anyone's choice for lunch, no less an election.

I'm kidding.
Thanks for coming by.

Because of MASS PANIC over CORONAVIRUS, ridiculous steps are being taken, such as working from home. We did some research on occupations not yet endorsing work-from-home....
  • pilot
  • sanitation engineer
  • breast lump checker
  • dog
  • bra fitter
  • Well Heeled Oral Retention Expert.
  • bus driver
  • mob enforcer

  • There's a reason Morning and Monday start with the same letter....

Jesse Jackson now endorses Bernie. This should cause your decision to be made, for or against.  Bernie said he'd endorse Biden, should Biden win. Reached for comment, Biden said, "The percolater's on the roof and the cardboard needs refreshing." At his last appearance, it took just over 20 seconds to start an argument about guns.

Biden extends lead over Sanders
---> in a tiny nod toward sanity, old white socialist losing ground.
---> in a nod toward Politics as Usual, old white, somewhat forgetful former VP whose former boss won't even endorse him, gains lead.

Let's step back for a moment and look at what we have here:

  • on the rep side we have a president who was voted in as a protest and is the literal example of divide and conquer, even before he took office
  • on the dem side, the primary field was shockingly... weird, led by a socialist.  At this point it's coming down to the socialist and the former VP, a cranky old guy who is prone to misstatements, forgetting things, and has the people skills of Kim Jong be Illin, without all that nasty self-confidence
  • I weep for my country
  • meanwhile, the best man for the job wears a boot on his head (and won the MA libertarian primary)

DHS claims 2020 will be the 'most secure' election in US history
Where were you when the first piece of software was a total failure?
These people couldn't secure their pocket change.

Exclusive: Critical U.S. Election Systems Have Been Left Exposed Online Despite Official Denials

“If nothing else works, a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through.”
~ General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett.

BULLETIN: Menstrual cup misuse can cause pelvic organ prolapse

I have questions....
WHAT is a menstrual cup?
Can you drink coffee from it?
Do you wear it on your head?
Why does it look like the front half of a condom?
How do you know if you're misusing it?

WARNING: we hope the veracity of this article is not tainted by a country that sends people to the gynaecologist.

  • 10 actors you forgot guest-starred on Deadwood
  • hint: Dusty Hill and Billy Gibbons

Today I identify as   a menstrual cup

  • There are many kinds of fish, but 2% are mouthbreeders: they keep their fertilized eggs in their mouth
  • ThermionicEmissions would never stoop to under-water blowjob jokes 

Each generation has its own cross to bear. The current one is "Life and struggle after YouTube fame".  As you giggle, remember this is called schadenfraude (joy in the misery of others).


People who can't spell their middle name have suddenly memorized COVID-19.

More BBC news: Health Minister Nadine Dorries tests positive for coronavirus.
Also: Iran's health minister tests positive for coronavirus
You can't make this stuff up....

US health insurers will cover costs of COVID-19 testing and treatment.

Coronavirus grows up: officially a pandemic!

  • One of the things my father will be remembered for was his love of Coast to Coast radio, with George Noory.  He called him Nardi. No one knows why.

Some people make the same mistakes over and over again, without noticing.
Some notice. Some insist on replicating the mistakes over and over again. As far as going to IHOP, I'm in the latter category. My mom likes it there and they're very consistent from restaurant to restaurant. Well, the food is rather consistent - the noise isn't.

Last time I asked for the No Screaming Children section and they sat me 3 feet away from a real screamer. This time there were about 4 tables full and an empty restaurant. We were roundly ignored til the cook took pity on us and found us a table.

Within minutes the table next to us broke out into bawling children.
Minutes later, the table on the other side went NUCLEAR, with the little gentleman screaming his fool head off at the top of his precious little lungs. His mother was practicing a new style of parenting... she simply ignored the Duke of Decibels and continued to give her order as if he weren't there screaming so loudly that the IHOP in the next town asked him to turn it down.

This gorgeous little man (I think - I can't tell by screams alone) continued to try outdoing the volume and ferocity of his previous outburst. Mom was quite consistent in her parenting: she consistently did not shut the child down. That took effort. And balls.

My mother, half deaf, kept jumping in her seat, as Bob Marley's Wailer exploded in shriekdom. At one point he was doing a story he wrote, with Spiderman and Batgirl in it, playing both parts simultaneously.

Four hours later, we noticed the side order of pancakes never appeared, so they brought it by, because they're nice that way.

As we can no longer stand the children and didn't bring hearing protection, we got ready to leave. At this point, the prime instigator kept leaping up, looking at my mother, then hiding. Much to our surprise, his mother's training program fell apart and she scolded him for jumping up. She did not say a word while Young Pavoratti serenaded several restaurants and blew out untold numbers of eardrums, but he could not be allowed to jump up in his seat.

My mother was aghast as we left. Her kids put her through hell, but only when they were teens. I hear stories that we were perfectly behaved when we went out. As you can tell, we got worse as we grew up. It's at times like these that I'm thankful for dogs. And maybe impotence.

Heroes of the Stupid

Florida seventh grader sends 41 to hospital when he mistakes pepper spray for body spray.

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

The World is My Oyster. I Don't Like Seafood.

Life is like a really good restaurant: you spend an hour waiting, then you're told it's going to be another hour, then the waitress is rude and the food's late. When the food shows up, it's not cooked right and you have to send it back, where the staff takes turn spitting on it. By the time the food is reheated, the other dish is ice cold, but you don't dare complain, because parts of the reheated dish are moving. You immediately put in your dessert orders, because you know it will take at least 45 minutes to arrive, during which time the staff all gathered around and somehow figured out a way to ruin ice cream. When your really bad meal, including the one not moving, is done, your dessert finally shows up, covered with some sort of brown stuff, in a strange pattern all over your ice cream. In fact, everything from this kitchen has brown stuff drizzled over it. You wish it were on the plate, instead of the food, but you ain't getting nothing, buddy, because the head chef, who almost graduated from Chef School, was taught that everything had to have something drizzled upon it, giving the restaurant 'class'. You dare not ask what the drizzle IS, but it's brown and smells; you know where I'm going with this. When you ask for the check, it arrives magically - you don't even have to wait an hour for it, like everything on the menu. One of you completely flips out because you were charged for the water, which you didn't even order. It's not even on the table. You don't say anything because if you do, the leftovers they're wrapping up for you will also be moving and even the dog won't touch anything in the doggy bag. You go to the cashier, nausea rising, pay, and she asks you if everything was alright. You smile and say of course it was and exit quickly, because you'd never actually complain to anyone who could actually do anything about the problem.

And that is what life is like.

Hackers can clone millions of Toyota, Hyundai, Kia keys

Let's give them some sort of token they can carry, perhaps in their pants or pocketbooks. The tricky part is that it emits no radio signals. You just put it in the slot, turn it, and the door unlocks. Cloners have a harder time because they have to have the token in-hand to clone it. I think we might have something here..

  • Next time you're feeling all high-tech and running the latest and greatest Internet of Clean auto-vacuum, remember: over 80% of medical imaging devices run on outdated operating systems.
  • So before you get that xray, demand to see a device health report, complete with details of the operating system. It's only fair - they see your info too.

I think I'm noticing something otherwordly. In my kitchen.
No, really, here's my situation: I spend a long time doing dishes - a LONG time. The next day, the dishes are dirthy again. For once, I don't blame the government. I called in Giorgio Tsoukalos,


 ..who assured me the dishes are not manipulated by ancient astronauts (or WERE they?). We put up video cameras all over the kitchen, in case there were ghosts or spirits, or Mayans. When reviewing the video, it turned out that the culprit behind this was the last one we thought: it was my WIFE. We caught her eating and putting the dirty dishes in the sink.

So the next time something otherworldly happens in your kitchen, screw the Science - blame your spouse.

Relevant Tsoukalos facts:
  • Born in Switzerland. 
  • Real name: George Applebaum
  • Wife: yes
  • Wife's name: Kris Beeble
  • Work ethic: will work 24x7 if necessary, unless hair gets too tall or out of control. During the first season of Ancient Astronauts, his hair tried to kill him. Look for video on YouTube.

If you're minding your own business, as we all do so well, and you receive notice from your phone provider that you have 7 days to legally stop a police request for your cell phone information, here's what happened. Pay close attention to the end.

  • You wanna see creepy?  The state of Utah has given an artificial intelligence company real-time access to state traffic cameras, CCTV and "public safety" cameras, 911 emergency systems, and other sensitive data. They will combine the data with social media, satellites, etc, to 'detect anomalies'.
  • The goal is for the system to alert law enforcement of crimes as they happen.
  • This is right out in the open. Hidden in plain sight. If your handbasket's auto-drive wasn't programmed for hell, it is now.

  • While we're talking creepy, wanna know what Clearview AI has been keeping on you?
  • Wanna know what Clearview has been slurping up, Faceyspaces aside?

Former DHS official charged with theft of confidential government software, databases.  Do ya feel safe, punk? DO YA?

HER: I think you should vacuum.
HIM: [silence]
HER: I really think you should vacuum.
HIM: I vacuumed last year.
HER: That's not funny.
HIM: It wasn't funny then either.
HER: What's your bloody problem?
HIM: (under his breath) I married her. Ummm.... I can't. It's a memorial.
HER: A memorial to what? Dust? Dirt? Dog hair?
HIM: Exactly - dog hair.
HER: Why do we need a monument to dog hair.?
HIM: It belonged to our previous dog, so vacuuming it up would be like having to say goodbye permanently.
HER: You've been watching Relationship TV again, haven't you?
HIM: Look, I'm telling you, it's the dog's fault.
HER: We've just been through that, Mr. Grief.
HIM: No, that was the old dog. This is the new dog.
HER: Do regale me - I can't wait.
HIM: The last time I vacuumed, it took a full day for her to shred enough stuffed animals to make it look like I never vacuumed.
HER: I think really think you should vacuum.
HIM: Have you not heard a thing I've said?  It's this kind of miscommunication that hurts relationships.
HER: Vacuum AND stop watching Relationship TV.

[2 hours later]
HER: It looks beautiful, thanks!
HIM: (points at huge pile of dog cookie crumbs) LOOK. This time it took her two hours to undo the vacuuming. Next time, she's going to follow me around, dropping crumbs behind the vacuum. That does it - I'm not vacuuming for eight years.
HER: Why 8?
HIM: She's 10. Statistically she'll live to 18. That's the next time I'll vacuum.
HER: Why didn't I leave with that nice biker who wanted to make me his bitch?

Today I identify as   Goldilocks' cousin, Baldilocks

  • Further proving that nothing happens until it's on Faceyspaces, a large-scale heroin and meth dealer got 15 years after he posted videos of himself driving to crimes on Faceyspaces.
  • I don't know where kids found this out, but sex also doesn't happen til it's posted online. Nothing goes in little Cindy's vagina unless it's posted to Pornhub. Felicity's tri-racial gangbang simply did not happen til the video, with all faces and names credited at the end, went to
  • Up til the 90s, you couldn't have sex if you didn't have a condom. Now you can't have sex if your phone battery is low.

Are people with ADHD better at creative tasks?
I want a cookie. Huh?

"There was a time when a willingness to criticize one's own government when it was wrong was the very definition of patriotism." - Ron Paul

Don't be fooled, experts warn, America's anti-child-abuse EARN IT Act could burn encryption to the ground. The old "It's for the children" act is being trotted out again and Attorney General Barr does not like encryption, as he stated publicly. They will not be happy until they can be in every private and public area of our lives. Now is the time to put an end to this.

  • The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy celebrated its 42nd anniversary recently. If you haven't read this 5 book trilogy, you owe it to yourself. They are among my favorite books. There was a tv series and at least 2 movies, but they're mostly better unwatched. Douglas Adams might have been the funniest author to walk the planet, but decide for yourself.

There was a plane in the air. The pilots were watching a... light... that was a craft... that moved in non-conventional ways. Eventually it flew away. The captain goes to check on his passengers and asked if anyone saw anything. One guy says, "I'm a scientist and I don't believe in those things, so I didn't look."

Continuing Coronavirus Coverage

eBay bans sale of masks and hand sanitizer over gouging concerns

Repurposed drugs may help scientists fight the new coronavirus

Seattle’s Patient Zero Spread Coronavirus Despite Ebola-Style Lockdown
 (also, why to not live in Seattle)

US coronavirus cases top 550 with 22 deaths as virus spreads to over 30 states
Folks, this is one day of e-news. One day.

In the midst of entire countries shutting down, Mexico is terrified that the US can spread coronavirus and is considering making it harder to get into the US. President Trump: this COVID-19 thing was brilliant. Why waste all that money on the wall?

I'm going to provide some real world advice. It's worth exactly what you paid for it.

  • Don't spend all your free time on a virus, reading or watching tv for Virus News. If all you see is virus, all you'll get is virus.
  • You don't have to welcome a sickness with open arms, but let your mind deal with other things. Friends, family, will adult websites have more content because people aren't going to work or school?
  • Check on your neighbors, specifically the older and less capable ones.
  • We have some great technology: call or video call your family. Watch a movie with them online. Chat.
  • Think a few good thoughts for the people whose jobs and businesses will be affected. If you get something delivered or are helped by someone, show your appreciation.

My state, probably like your state, has gone nuts. Schools, some malls, businesses, and the governor has closed the liquor stores (they're state-run in this hellhole). The last thing you want to do is close liquor stores. There are 2 things people need at a time like this: alcohol and birth control.

There is a total of 63 cases in my state. 63.
Just a few in my general area.
Is it possible that this is overblown?
Yes, it will spread, but we're going insane in response.

SJW Slack

University of California students strike to protest graduate student pay.
Next week's protest will be over rising tuition

Don't forget to vote!

Saturday, March 14, 2020

My Service Elephant has Coronavirus

Thirdhand smoke wafting off moviegoers hurts air quality in theaters
Thirdhand smoke? Is that the smoke by the candy stand?
When was the last time you saw someone smoke at the movies?

UPDATE: Are you ready? Thirdhand smoke is the residue of smoke left on coats and clothes. Think of the benefits... you can smoke without smoking! Just go to a theater and inhale. You'll still get cancer, but at least you didn't have to light anything.

  • You can now jailbreak an iPhone with an Android phone
  • No, I did not write that headline.

Linspire 8.7 Is Trying to Persuade More Windows Users to Use Linux
I'd recommend Xubuntu, but take a look.

  • Harvey Weinstein moved to jail after heart surgery
  • Yeah, sure. Convenient walker, convenient heart surgery. Upcoming: convenient AIDS. His entire body is failing before prison - this is unprecedented. And shocking! He's trying to escape, one piece at a time.

SJW Speakings

Described as a horror drama, Antebellum tells the story of a 'modern-day social activist who finds herself traveling back in time to the 1800s.' It's Blog Gold here at ThermionicEmissions.

  • The citizens immediately institutionalize her because she has green hair.
  • They burn her at the stake, because she has a bone through her nose.
  • She gets wooden teeth! Every time she says something about women running things, people hit her in the mouth with a 2x4.
  • Her sex life is exactly like it was in 2020: even her fellow inmates think she's too crazy to have sex with.
  • frequently accused of being a weird man
  • her fellow inmates at the Happy Place<tm> keep asking who Hillary is and why women should vote for her. Also, what is vote?
  • Insists that women are just as crazy as men, so why aren't there more women in the Loony Bin?
  • Never makes it back to 2020 because she was killed after trying to explain that men can have periods too.

We went out for dinner just for fun. Usually this involves people dying (and we hoped it wasn't us). As we walked in, there were ladies handing out roses for Women's Day.
Women's Day?
I couldn't hear the explanation because of the blood boiling in my ears. She refused to give me a rose. I told her I identify as a woman, and can get pregnant like a woman, and even menna... minister... mennistrate..... but she did not recognize me as a woman. Next weekend we're picketing the place. I'm bringing in the Ladies Guild: at the front of the march will be 20 very large women with facial hair and signs, demanding gender equality. And free food.

  • Alanis Morissette's debut - Jagged Little Pill, is 25 years old.
  • And still sounds like a cat having an operation without anesthetic

Ya know Virgin Media? A data breach exposed 900,000 customers' info.
In other words, a breach made them Virgin no more.

  • Microsoft, Faceyspaces, Amazon workers told to stay home because of coronavirus
  • And because nobody likes them 

Special Coronavirus Coverage

The coronavirus has spread to Venice, California.
Governor Newsom is passing a law against it.

Speaking of coronavirus, we have it locally now. 
Because some idiot who has it attended a function. 5 schools are closed.
They need to jail this person, but I have it on good authority that you can't arrest someone for excessive stupidity.

Some local groups have canceled weekly meetings, claiming there are cases closeby.

People are going insane in stores, like they do here when 1/4" of snow is forecast: they buy all the bread and milk. Now they're buying masks and flu medicines. And condoms, because you gotta do something while you're stuck inside.

There has never been a better time to have some strange neuroses, especially with coronavirus running rampant, like Congress running to vote itself a pay raise.
  • Agoraphobes are now being celebrated - they don't leave the house!
  • Germphobes take all sorts of precautions and never shake hands.
  • Obsessive Compulsive hand-washers are now being recognized as The Neurosis to Have, according to Time Magazine.
  • The paranoid wear masks so no one knows who they are. Now they blend right in. Plus facial recognition doesn't work with masks.
  • The depressed don't feel like getting out of bed anyway.
  • The bipolars are running to the store to buy everything, but.. they're... probably.. gonna... for.... a...while.
  • The schizophrenics don't go out because they're having a perfectly nice conversation. With the front door.

Today I identify as   a 5 day Postal Service delivery box that costs $24.99 to mail across town.

  • I asked Wife why coronavirus doesn't attack the eyes.
  • She said nothing.
  • I asked again.
  • She said nothing again.
  • I think she's onto me.

Most people are in PANIC mode, not helped at all by the 24 hour TV/Radio/News/social media barrage. It's quite frankly not fair. Nobody talks about the Good that the virus will bring

  • you will finally be able to get a seat at that restaurant (although you'll probably be ignored for 30 minutes when you first enter)
  • there will be no traffic at all, when you paint CORONAVIRUS on your car
  • while police and fire get right of way, World Health Organization will always get in first
  • there will be a coronavirus baby boom, but the kids won't know what that means
  • there will be a divorce boom, after husband and wife are forced to be in the same house for a few weeks

  • I just discovered I'm dyslexic. Mrs lefty asked me how it took so many years to figure this out.
  • Because I see the year 2020 and read it as 1970.

In the time I have had my last 2 phones, my dear wife has had only one. The screen is cracked (in letters that spell her name). The case resembles a pair of jeans that just gave up and keeps ripping itself, hoping its owner will finally develop sense and throw it out. I think it has encephalitis: it randomly changes account pictures and phone numbers, so you never know who you're dialing. This week, I'm Dr lefty Giancanna, with a picture of her sister's dog. Nobody in or out of the phone industry has ever seen this before. It's not a virus.

Normally this would not bother me at all.
But this is my house we're talking about. The phone rings only when I need to be undisturbed. Mrs lefty sets an alarm when she takes a nap. I know this because the alarm goes off 6 times because the phone was left near me, not taken to the bedroom. She has alarms set to remind her there are alarms set.

The worst, and I mean worst, thing about the phone is that it randomly changes ringtone. I made her a bunch of ringtones from her favorite songs, guaranteeing we'll never hear any of them. The current tone sounds like... stay with me for a moment... take a set of stairs, with about 20 steps. Line up a marching band, complete with instruments, 2 per step. Push the top person down, starting a domino effect, taking the rest of them down, one step at a time. If anyone doesn't fall over, the second set of marchers will go down, so we'll have several lines of marching band, falling down the steps, playing their instruments.

And that's what the ringtone sounds like.

  • Before we invented civilization, the White House area was nothing but swampland. Since we upgraded civilization, the White House is a beautiful building, occupied by mud, mosquitos, and lethal parasites.

We got one of those horrible noise alerts coming from our phones the other day. We hoped it was a test of the Emergency Broadcast System, because those are cool. It turned out to be a serious weather warning: EXTREME SUN FORECAST FOR THE NEXT 2 DAYS. REPEAT - EXTREME SUN FORECAST FOR THE NEXT 2 DAYS. Keep small children inside and use plenty of sunscreen, especially if you're walking to your car.

Fortunately we had a Family Plan, so after we got done yelling PANIC PANIC, we consulted the family plan. We just got done spending two days in the basement, where it was cold and dark, like every other day. That was a close one.

Wednesday, March 11, 2020

Cat Urine as Cat Soap

I don't want you to take what I say as gospel. I'd prefer that you take it as a starting point to do your own research. Toward that end, a great reading room is The Black Vault. Owner John Greenwald, at a young age, discovered the Freedom of Information Act. He became a real star at getting official government documents - all legal.

John has an unbelievable vault of these FOIA documents... UFO, declassified, unknown, message forums.  I strongly urge you to take a look. Remember: this is not opinion.... this is official government documents.

Dear lefty

  • Where do you come up with this shit?
  • Where do you come up with that alleged mustache?

Using drag queens to unite communities (in Serbia and Kosovo).
Imagine a world where Israeli drag queens dance openly with Palestinian drag queens. Where normal drag queens perform with SJW drag queens (they're already in costume). Where national news drag queens mince it up with Fox drag queens. Where Trump-supporting drag queens perform with Trump-hating drag queens (let's not push it).

  • Brain waves common during sleep also show up in awake sheep.
  • So stop diddling sheep- this is your final warning.

Today I identify as   a hose that I ran over with the lawnmower

  • I never thought I'd be typing this, but there's another Microsoft update with another bug. Win 10 KB4535996 (optional) has been causing Blue Screen of Death, random freezes, and other performance issues. Also failed installs and sound issues.

Hey, remember that Walgreens was putting together an in-store ad system that profiled you? Their app was just found to allow users to access other users' information. Yet another great reason to avoid Walgreens. And store apps, of course.

  • I have sensations in my breasts again!
  • The woman was a good candidate for breast cancer, so she had a protective double mastectomy. A new surgery allowed feeling in her reconstructed breasts. This was also a factor with implants, but has gotten better.
  • You thought I was going to go wild on this, didn't you?
  • I would never make fun of an area so close to my (and her) heart.

British sisters campaign against gender-based street harassment, modeled on a French law.
I would tell them to go f- themselves, but that's already illegal in Britain.
These sisters are what we call useful idiots: they help the state's campaign to limit rights/speech/whatever else.

Britain already has draconian limits on speech, especially compared to us fat, obnoxious Americans. One of the worst things you can do is racially harass someone, followed by saying f-. You can literally be locked up for 'disturbing public order.' Not happy with that, you can also be reported for doing this online. These useful idiots are just helping the assault on free speech in their native country. Understand that freedom of speech is moreso a concept (Britain), as opposed to being guaranteed (US), so it's easier to gut it. Since it's gender-based, it would appear that it does not apply to women 'harassing' men.

  • GoodRx stops sharing personal medical data with Google, Faceyspaces. They got caught by Consumer Reports and swore to do better (not get caught again). Betcha didn't know they did, eh?  Time to let them know how you feel. HIPAA does not protect your data in this case! If you look at the blog post, they haven't exactly stopped sharing...
  •  +1 855 268 2822 is the customer support number. You can email them at

SETI@home gives it up after 21 years - "Reached a point of diminishing returns."
Really? Who coulda seen that coming?
Looking around for random signals over 21 years and finding exactly one false alarm. In business, this would've been a loser in under a year.

I believe this was a convenient distraction.
If you're looking for life elsewhere, you'd have a better chance of finding something interesting on whatever those things are that fly in ways our technology can't.  I'm not saying what they'll find, but they're way more likely to discover something interesting than listening for signals with radio telescopes. Seth Shostak, SETI's Grand Ambassador, is part of the Denial Squad: a number of people trotted out every time there's a sighting, to say it's an easily-explainable event (swamp gas, anyone?).

Oddly: Help cure coronavirus with your PC's leftover processing power.

The lastest AMD processor is called the Threadripper.
That's kinda harsh.
Nobody asked me for help in naming their chips...
  • Brainsucker
  • Pancreas Puller
  • Eyebrow Threader
  • Nipple Extruder
  • Ball Kicker

Protein discovered inside a metiorite

  • Simple systems have less downtime
  • We can all make a lot of money with studies like this 
  • Smaller cars use less gas
  • Electric cars use more electricity
  • Breathing extends like of test subjects

So it's been a bad day.
In pops the dog, jumping up to see if I'm ok.
She looks at me, signals she wants to give me a kiss.
I bend down and urrrrrrrrrrp, she burps in my face.
Dogs are sometimes a metaphor for life.

  • Microsoft Reveals a New Design for the Windows 10 Start Menu
  • "We prefer to keep our customers guessing"