Friday, May 7, 2021

Drive Responsibly - Over a Cliff

 Your love is like  rabies

The Super Secret Russo-Cuba Discombobulator Ray is back!  People in Washington, DC have come down with what is referred to as "health attacks," like those in Cuba in 2016. 

According to a government source familiar with the incident, the staffer passed a parked van. A man got out and walked past her. Her dog started seizing up. Then she felt it too: a high-pitched ringing in her ears, an intense headache, and a tingling on the side of her face.

We're talking dizziness, nausea, headaches, balance problems, ringing in the ears, nosebleeds, difficulty concentrating and recalling words, permanent hearing loss, and speech problems.  Russia is somehow involved too, with people in the American Embassy in Russia falling ill.

They're playing nasty. What is the purpose of this? If you're going to play dirty or make a point, don't do it destructively - shoot the ray that makes people grow another nostril or a trunk. Also, be aware, Russia, that we're not hiring the best and brightest, and occasionally they mix up the water pistols with ICBMs.

Today I identify as  a white shirt that gets stuff spilled on it every time 

Those little indicator lights on Microsoft Teams are practically useless, at least where I work. It is made useless by my coworkers. You can never tell when they're in or not. My boss has a habit of showing Out of Office, so no one will disturb him. Others have picked up on this, because any communication at all disturbs them. If I'm the first one in, how can a coworker's light say In Office?

I admit having my own problems.. if I set Busy or Out, I forget to put them back, so I just gave up. This is similar to coworkers, who just gave up (working). One particularly deranged person has Out of Office set and checks email while on a day off. This will be addressed at their next psych evaluation. 

I don't really like the colors - too predictable. If nothing else, we need blue. And puce.  Perhaps it would be helpful to have more choices in status lights too...

  • at lunch
  • wee wee
  • #2
  • arguing with spouse
  • arguing with dog
  • shopping
  • boom boom break
  • drunk (might just be assumed)

The dog won't get me a Coke. She just sits there, playing like she doesn't understand.
I'm expected to understand when she wants something, like going outside, food, or some of those nice bumblebee treats. Maybe a trip in the car - Dairy Queen will give her a little dish of whipped cream.

So I'm watching a UFO documentary. She looks up and me and says, "They're wrong, you know."
This came as a bit of a surprise. 
I spurted. I "uh'd". I made other sounds I can't spell.
All that time I was right... she fully understood what a Coke is. She just did an incredible job of making people think she didn't. All that sitting on the couch and dropping her toys was an act - she fully understood gravity. All those 'dumb dog' things she did. 

I asked why she hadn't bothered letting us in on the joke til now.
She said there was no reason to until now. And how about some of that Pupperoni?

At this point, I'm checking all my medicine, my wife's medicine, and all of the medicine in the pharmacy down the street. I've called my doctors. I've called her doctors. I've done a little research on canine speech on the net. I got nuthin. Nuthin except a dog commenting on a tv show.

I live in a 7 ring circus - why not a fully aware, talking dog? Like most Extremely Weird Shit<tm>, I decided to go with it. 

She tells me she's the former Undersecretary to the Oversecretary for Military Defense Secretaries. She used to work in the Pentagon (no wonder she had the stupid thing down so well). We're watching this show where ex-military and Pentagonners are flipping out because of what UFO/UAPs can do to our military and country. They're flapping their arms, trying to get some Congressional or Pentagon notice. Now let's face it (the dog says)... you can't get close to Congress without being on the level of Big Pharma. They also have no idea what's going on with the military budget, because the good stuff is hidden in black projects. You can't get near the Pentagon because the religious nudniks think UFOs are demonic and you can't even mention them. 

My dog is the smartest person in the room. Unless there are squirrels to chase.

She continues, telling me the show and the efforts lately are misdirection. I'm jumping up and down, agreeing with her. It's about time somebody finally got it. She tells me there are already groups that know about this, and have known for longer than we've been alive (her life being much shorter than mine). It's extremely compartmentalized, and very few know. All the tv shows and 'ufo research' in the world isn't going to help until the compartmentalized group gives it up.

We're agreeing with each other and giving High Fives, finally getting some sense into the topic.

Then I ask her about the little matter of the wet spot on the carpet.
She went totally silent and hasn't said a word since.
And if I tell anyone she talked to me, I'm going to look the fool...
Damn smart dog, Penny.

  • Hey kids - here's your new spelling book: A is for Anus

Giant Ships Are Polluting the Seas With Thousands of Lost Cargo Containers
Hey Bob - where's that container of condoms for the White House?
Somewhere between China and San Francisco 

  • Did you know corporal punishment is still used in some schools?
  • spanking is rough on children and harmful to the arms and shoulders of the spanker
  • if you really want to traumatize the little buggers, misgender them 

Faceyspaces' Oversight board upheld the Trump ban
Also confirmed the ban on Mussolini, Hitler, and China's Dong Juan Ill
"We're committed to maintaining a safe space for our users, devoid of critical opinions, right wing opinions, bad words, and anything that may offend anyone at any time, truth be damned. We would ban God if he said anything bad about trans people."

Speaking of the Flying AIDS, the FDA reportedly plans to authorize Pfizer's vaccine for teens 12-15 in days.

Promises to authorize vaccine for adults within 10 years, which is roughly the normal time medicine takes to get authorized

Two 17-year-olds and a 20-year old died when their car crashed at 113 mph, because someone was playing with Snapchat. Was that the stupid thing? No. The US Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit ruled that the parents could sue Snapchat. That is the stupid thing.

These are the same three kids who sued a silverware company after they stuck their forks in their eyes, then Sears when their lawnmower cut their feet off after they put them in the blades.

Personal responsibility, anyone? 

If you work, or know someone who does, you might be familiar with Disaster Recovery and Continuity of Business. Disaster Recovery is a plan, developed and tested, to get everything back up after a disaster, or a Cardi B concert, whichever comes first. Continuity of Business is a plan to keep the business going after a Cardi B concert.

It is said that if you don't have a Disaster Recovery plan, your disaster recovery plan should be updating your resume.

Things are all higgledy piggledy, due to the Flying AIDS. Most people work at home, which puts quite a strain on disaster recovery and disaster recovery testing. There is a manual, written in stone, which must be followed in a disaster drill. These have to be adapted for home use:

  1. scream
  2. PANIC
  3. look for the dog
  4. consider looking for the spouse
  5. go outside, quickly but safely, only running over the slower members of the household
  6. make sure you're lined up at the right spots.... 1 by the car, 1 by the lawn, line up in size order
  7. look for the disaster recovery coordinator - he'll have the yellow vest. If not, wait for the ice cream man
  8. did you remember to take the fire extinguisher with you? Go back into the damn house
  9. wonder what you're doing outside, when the disaster is inside and you're needed to put things back
  10. there is a backup first aid kit. It's backup in the house
  11. after the ice cream man leaves, file inside in an orderly manner. Do not drop your ice cream or there will be ants
  12. sit there and wait for the next person up the command chain to call
  13. it doesn't matter who calls because you have no power, so you can't get into work
  14. play with the dog
  15. hope that someone else on the team gets everything running ok. They won't, because nothing works out right, even if it tested 100% last week

Continuity of Business has two important steps:
  1. make sure the paychecks are ok
  2. see #1

Everything after this takes place at meetings, aka Let the Finger-Pointing Begin!
Remember to always have your resume up to date 

American schools' phone apps send children's info to ad networks, analytics firms.
Told you so 
Then there's the Chromebooks, which send directly to Google

Coincidentally, it's National Data Privacy Week.
So log into Faceyspaces and post away.
Do your taxes in front of Alexa and Ring
Dictate your finances to Siri or Google
and order yourself some adult toys from Amazon

Wednesday, May 5, 2021

High Level Nap Planning

 Your love is like  ice cream and green beans

if you have an iDevice, update to 14.5.1 now.

BlueTooth toothbrushes

My buddy just got one. So I asked him the question that was burning my brain - why bluetooth?

He told me it keeps track of his brushing and gives him stats, as well as letting him know if he's ignoring one tooth.


Plus his entire brushing history goes to Oral-B. Next year, his dental insurance won't cover tooth #16 because he hasn't spent enough time brushing it.   

Today I identify as the pollen that's turning my car green. 

  • a gamer was found dead, clutching his Xbox controller, after an all night session
  • 100,000 parents just came alive: "I told you if you do that too long, you'll be in trouble!" 

The neighbor situation where I am is pretty good.

Until yesterday, when I found a notice on my car. Somebody had reported it abandoned. I'm thinking the crime stats are really down locally, for the police to have bothered. It's nice to know the locals are protecting us from parked cars, though.

Well, given that it's 'abandoned' a few houses past mine, maybe it's not really abandoned. Maybe it's my 2nd car and I don't drive it much. Maybe there's a neighbor who needs his car computer reprogrammed to play "It's a small world after all" whenever it's started. Maybe the police should ask first.

Being the good citizen, I emailed the nice policeman, asking if it was ok to park my car on my own street. This should be interesting.

I have only had trouble with one neighbor, who took snow from her driveway and put it around and on my car, which was parked on the street. She blamed me for parking my car in the street. I'm not the kind of asshole who calls the police over nonsense like this. Sometimes, the snow plows dump a few loads into her driveway, though. Damn funny to see. Couldn't be me - I don't have a snow plow.

Prince Harry, Duke of Prunes, made an appearance at a Vax Live concert, to thunderous applause. I hope the prince doesn't find out what it's really like to be an American...they'll throw limes and teabags at him.






  • Portugal is opening the world's longest pedestrian suspension bridge
  • bridge workers are on strike already because they don't want to clean up after the bridge scares the shit out of crossers

Flying AIDS News 

Herd Immunity is not reachable, so it's not important. The virus will just become manageable.

President Biden cautioned America's Doctor, Anthony Fauci, that we're not vaccinating herds until J&J comes out with a cattle version. He said we're vaccinating Americans here, so we could call them lumps, glumps, Merkuns, or The Great Unwashed, but not herds.

Fauci said herd immunity is now out the door because no one can figure out what the mystical herd number is, so they'll just twist around some words and put them out into the public for people to repeat for a few months, until the next excuses come out.

  • New York's mayor Bill DeBlasio is calling city workers back to work.
  • The workers are not happy.
  • When have you ever seen a happy New York City worker?

Hollywood stars are testing for political runs.
Caitlyn Jenner is running for governor of California. After their current governor, earthworms would be better, but Caitlyn is the perfect choice for California. Think about it.... Jenner cannot expect a cakewalk, as the Gay Makeover guys are running as one candidate, as is RuPaul.

Animal, from Sesame Street, is running for Los Angeles mayor, under the "I couldn't be any worse" platform. Animals struggles with ADHD and ice cream are well known. Other candidates rumored to announce are Jared from Subway and Ghislane Maxwell. Their campaign managers say that it's wise to vote for someone who is already in prison, which saves the long trials.

Dwayne Johnson, is still working on his presidential bid, because being an actor is qualification enough.

Others include Ashley Judd, Kid Rock, and Matthew McConaughey. At least with Kid Rock, all of his affairs and dependency issues are already in the public domain. The only things the detectives will find is that he goes to church every Sunday, supports orphans, and volunteers at the soup kitchen.

  • Camden County College (New Jersey) held a drive-thru graduation ceremony
  • this was a brilliant idea, and will give them valuable experience for the job market
  • "I'll take two Big Macs...."

MOSCOW (BLOOMBERG) - Officials hailed Moscow's massive facial recognition camera network as a benign aid to residents that would enforce quarantine restrictions, catch criminals and even let them pay subway fares.

Now it's being deployed to crush dissent against President Vladimir Putin.

nuff said?


North Wildwood, New Jersey, has spent $4 million in state taxpayer dollars to bring in sand because of beach erosion. Now they want federal aid, like their neighbors on both sides.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, your federal tax dollars are going to beach projects for rich people and businesses at the beach, in a different state. Do we get a discount for going to that beach? Hi, I'm lefty and this is Mrs. lefty - we paid to help fight erosion at this beach. We would like the Celebrity package, please. And don't give us any crap about dogs not being allowed on the boardwalk.

  • Google will ban deceptive marketing from Play Store apps
  • will also remove viruses by 2031

NYPD adopted, for the bargain price of $94,000, a canine robot. It was a really odd looking thing, which generated a ton of bad press and ill will. The robot was only used for seeing - it had no offensive or defensive abilities, per contract. The press was so bad, the $94k robot is being 'put down.' New York, home of all sorts of monstrosities, is considering other robots.....

  • a DMV robot: there is no word on if it curses at you
  • a City Hall robot: it actually works. Unions vowed a fight to the death against it
  • another NYPD robot: it only bites black people

Kroger grocery stores will begin testing drone deliveries. Will deliver to home or your phone location. For an extra charge, it will deliver condoms to hotels for 'business meetings'

Google is giving users incorrect information to the question "how long do porn stars live?" by citing faulty statistics from a Reverend who believes that working in the adult industry will bring down God's wrath on you.

That's about accurate for Google - the search engine that doesn't track you

Twitter ROCKS

--> Hi im a lesbian and i fscking love dick.  centering lesbianism around pussy is so fucking othering to trans and nonbinary lesbians jesus fscking christ

--> I love dick, I just don't like dick when it's attached to a cis man. But girldick or nonbinary dick is totally fine and I don't think that makes me less of a lesbian

The Post Office is admittedly not meeting its 1-3 day delivery for first class (.55 stamp) mail.

Solution?  Change the standard, so it can take longer. Your government at work. A very interesting and sadly revealing article.

Here are some Flying AIDS links. I do not vouch for their accuracy. They are being provided as information to help you decide what's going on.

EXCLUSIVE - Former Pfizer VP: ‘Your government is lying to you in a way that could lead to your death.’


Freedom Becomes a Long-Haul COVID Victim

I bitched/observed about our lack of decorating/arranging/organizing abilities.

I wanted everybody to know that I took my first step today: I found a magazine with Frank Zappa on the cover and I'm mounting it on the wall in my office. 

Do I get a gold star?  

We visited a friend the other day. We have to make an effort not to notice the large, well-decorated and kept house, and the huge garden outside. It's something out of Better Homes & Gardens. We couldn't put together a single room that looked that nice. Oh well, different people get different talents. When I find mine, I promise to reveal it here.

  • Bill and Melinda Gates are getting divorced
  • He caught her using linux 
  • when asked for comment, Melinda said, "I cannot keep up with his level of evil."

A Tesla was hacked, using a drone.

Told you so 

Great if you don't have a Tesla, but it won't be limited to Tesla. I maintain that we don't need this level of communicative electronics in our cars. The bonus with this hack is they can turn the car into an access point, to hack other cars. 

  • Bored? Librivox has free public domain audiobooks
  • What are hipster germphobes up to? Take a look

I think it's National Pet Month.
Nobody has any idea how these things come about, or where they come from. I suspect people just make it up as they go along....   
  • Hey, it's National Scrotum Week, to promote scrotum health
  • I'm still campaigning for Left Handed History Month. Strangely enough, I only get 10% support
  • Arm Pimple Week
  • Spray Mop Thing week
  • National Vacuum week (bought and paid for by the vacuum lobby) - it sucks
  • and of course, Nose Hair Month

Monday, May 3, 2021

The Aardvark Has Left the Convenience Store

 Your love is like  Michigan water


An email from someone you know, saying something happened to their bank card and would you order an Amazon gift card for them and they'll pay you back. They give you a TO: name and email address for the gift card.

If you get something like this, call or text whoever sent it to you, to make sure they sent it to you.

I really should have taken a sociology class in high school.

Although if I did, it would only serve to prove that we're on a collision course with hell, instead of just supposing we are. This is what Rome looked like before it imploded. I think. If you took a sociology course, you could say stuff like that at parties, and sound somewhat intelligent. Unless you're an introvert - they don't go to parties, unless they are hauled by massive construction equipment.

I think Survivor was the start of it, but who cares. Reality shows exploded, although it's a shame they didn't really explode. Now that's a show worth watching. Maybe it would be the last show of the season. Instead of 'winning', the entire cast would explode. Add in a lottery for who gets to push the plunger, and you have the recipe for Almost Perfect TV. All we're missing is tigers and raw meat.

I thought it couldn't get any worse than Americans Idle, but once again, America proved me wrong, this time with the Masked Furry. My jaw has actually worn a spot on the floor, from dropping. Apparently we're on the second season of some show where the contestants build LEGO things. Hey, we all built LEGO things... when we were four. I didn't know there was a first season. You know the next show will involve Lincoln Logs (look it up). Will there be a Rubik's Cube contest? Nah, too short. Maybe solving the cube while talking about their terrible childhoods. Better yet, solving while discussing important events of the day, like Meghan and Harry or Wilhelm or whoever.

There is now a local show with two newscasters from the morning show, discussing viral and funny videos. TV is now about YouTube? It's an advertisement for being online, as well as a very good reason to be online. 

One game show looks like it has something like an amusement park ride, where the contestant rides to the front and the host asks questions. All the games are hosted by Wayne Brady, a very talented man who has yet to find his niche. The celebrity contestants come right from the Where Are They Now pool. The names were actually game shows in the 50s and 60s. They bear no resemblance, of course, unless you count having a host and a contestant as a similarity. 

You knew it was coming....  the only genre of video that's getting better is pr0n. The music, fortunately, has gotten much better, as has subject matter. There are no pr0n game shows and (hopefully) no masked furries, although I suspect you could find them if you looked hard enough. The topics have evolved: incest, MILFs, Muslims, etc. Now tell me pr0n isn't much better and more relevant than broadcast tv.

I don't actually watch a lot of tv. Every now and then I raise my head, while typing this out for you, and look on in horror at the commercials for shows.

So next time you're at a party (after everybody's gotten their shots), you can commiserate with the older folk about how tv has gone down the loo and the only fresh, relevant genre is pr0n. Even if you don't watch it (yeah, right), you can use my examples. You'll raise a few eyebrows, but in the end, people will have to agree you're correct..

Today I identify as  black - not Black.  And latino - not latinx.

The doctors came by the other day. They like to visit at least once a month, to make sure I don't get up to anything (worse). They asked if we had our shots. We told them no. They shook their collective head and said we're paranoid. I told them they don't have the certifications to pronounce us paranoid - that's the other doctors. I had a friend who said he could get any psychological diagnosis he wanted. He was very talented, and I believed him. I can only mimic multiple, bipolar, and depressed; he could do the full range.  He was also very educational - I visited once and found a really incredibly large bullet on the table. He told us it was a .50 caliber. This was more educational than anything we had seen on tv in years. He had a carry permit and would lead parades up and down the street, near the police station. They couldn't do anything because he had the permit and it wasn't concealed. They got really upset when his parades had only one person in them, but this guy knew what he was doing. These friends are infinitely more interesting than the same old boring people others call friends. 

  • Brazil rejects Russia's Sputnik V vaccine because it's tainted with replicating cold virus

Speaking about parties, one of the interesting things I learned recently came as I started the current job. I'd listen to my coworkers sit there and sound like old GET OFF MY LAWN guys about most topics and, heavens, I noticed I agreed with them. And I'm not even a republican!  I didn't dare disagree with them, as most of them had guns. Lots of guns. Hopefully at home. Although they made a great point: with all these guns, there were no shootings in the workplace. See how guns help?

  • Guess what... the third agency we paid to send an aide for my mother failed to send one
  • I don't know how they stay in business. If I randomly didn't show up, my job would be in jeopardy

The FCC announced signup date and website for $50 per month subsidies for broadband.


Your tax dollars are going to pay for other people's tv and internet? $50 per month for service, $75 per month on tribal lands, and a one time $100 gift for purchase of a tablet or computer. It's almost like... what's that Bernie thing.... socialism.

When I was young, if we couldn't afford something, we didn't have it. Imagine that

I can't afford the exorbitant cable tv prices. Who's going to subsidize me?

Congress approved $3.2 billion for this, with an additional $6 billion to the fund, if approved. If I remember correctly, your cell phone bill includes charges for subsidies.

Granted, I wasn't there, but I don't think this is what our forefathers had in mind.

I can't identify the large, loud piece of machinery that's making the horrible noises behind my work conferences today. It sounds like a cross between a hole digger and a Tilt-a-Whirl. 

At one point, there were entertainment trucks that came into neighborhoods, for those who didn't get out much. Of course we all had ice cream trucks. Earlier on there where trucks with amusement park rides. According to pictures, there was one ride per truck. It wouldn't be good if there were more. Imagine a Tilt-a-Whirl and a ferris wheel on the same truck. Of course if they sold ice cream too, we could call it a family vacation: just add sand and sunblock.  We learned our lesson, repeatedly, about sunblock early in life. We'd go out, get burnt really well, then be sore and itchy for a week. Give us credit - it only happened once per season, then we stayed in out of sheer terror. Later on I learned about sunblock and the arbitrary numbers applied to them. If there was a number 57 block, I'd ask for a 69 block, under the theory that it would actually remove color from my skin.

Sticks and Stones

  • a British football (SOCCER) player quit mid-game because an opponent made fun of his struggle with mental issues
  • while we here at ThermionicEmissions are more than sensitive to mental health issues, the man did the right thing. If he can't take the opposite side taunting him, he shouldn't be on the field.
  • that doesn't mean the opposing player isn't scum of the earth...

I've heard rumblings of interesting things coming on the UFO/UAP topic.
Don't forget that Trump put into law that all federal agencies release information within 180 days.
The Pentagon's report is expected to be released to Congress in June.
For all you skeptics and people who call this conspiracy theory, pay attention. No one is making this up. As for the truth of the report(s), we'll just have to wait and see.

  • Good news: the San Francisco 9th District Court of Appeals affirmed that 3D printer gun plans can be posted online without state department approval
  • and why shouldn't they? Otherwise it would be a First and Second Amendment violation.
  • No body censoring anything is going to win the battle. Information will pop up elsewhere.

Researchers have discovered the rotajakiro backdoor on linux.
I remain way more fascinated with the Emily Ratajkowski backdoor.
I'm trying to get sued here - I need the exposure 

If you don't bring 1 or 2 people by, I'm going to start featuring updates on the Kardashians and in-depth speculations on The Bachelor.

  • if this entry looks or feels different, it's because I'm typing it in a different browser
  • and if you believe that, I have some free internet to sell you 

So I'm sitting there in my office, doing whatever I can to remain awake... pinching myself, asking others to pinch me, and planning my next nap, which will begin the moment I stop working. I hear the bell, work's done, and I head for the couch for that glorious nap. Annnnnnd I'm not really tired anymore. 
What just happened?

So I sit there, doing whatever it is that I do after work, and straining to stay up til at least 11. Because only old people go to bed before midnight. Except Friday. After work Friday I'm not tired in the least, and there is no problem staying up past 2 or 3. It's not that I have anything different to do either

Mrs. lefty, on the other hand, does not have my problems. She has enough of her own. She has two speeds
  1. up for 3 days with no sleep
  2. sleep for 3 days with no up
This means we rarely see each other, which is the secret of our long marriage (anything over six months is a long marriage).  When she sleeps, the dog sleeps. It's happened with each of our dogs... they latch onto her and I'm a distant second. She's the Cocker Whisperer. I could be really upset that all of my dogs would rather sleep the entire day with their mom than sit for a while with me, but I choose not to. I was thinking of getting a pet of my own, like a dog or something, but then there would be two dogs sleeping with their mom all day. I can't have a girlfriend, due to my wife's strict no dating policy. I can't even get her to sign off on a babysitter. So the babysitter is Mila Kunis - what's the big deal? Although we all know that if I got a babysitter, Wife would suddenly be very awake.

Although I'm lonely sometimes, I forget all about it when I get in bed, Wife's head springs up, and someone wants to talk animatedly to me. On and on. Not even taking my snoring as a cue to stop talking. You know what it's like... once they start, they don't stop. And they don't just talk, they want answers. Not yes and no answers... they want well thought-out answers. Answers that cannot be telegraphed via snores. And they get so upset when you don't answer, taking it as a personal affront.

So the next time I catch her sleeping, I'm going to start poking her and asking questions that demand answers. No, wait, I've been doing that for 20 years and it hasn't gotten me anything but aggravated. She can hear the slightest change in my breathing, but not the three alarms she set to wake herself up.

I tread carefully, not only because she's bigger than me, but because I'm not an asshole.
That and the chainsaw by her side of the bed.

The title of this submission? I made it up.
Unfortunately I put the words in the exact order that will have untold implications for the country, and possibly the world. As soon as this hits Google, the sleepers will wake. Ordinary mothers and fathers and citizens will drop what they're doing and assume the purpose for which they were trained. Mothers will walk away from their children. Fathers will walk away from their secretaries. People will turn off reality shows. And their accents... they will go from completely normal to their accent of birth: British.

You see, people were selected for this mission in England. They were Manchurian Candidated, with the new personality an American, who would cross the pond and live like an American. Red meat, headaches, french fries, and guns. They would go about their lives, have families, get jobs, with nobody suspecting anything. Then the trigger phrase would go out (The Aardvark Has Left the Convenience Store - picked specially because it would never be uttered on purpose by anyone) and their original British identity would emerge. The Brits are still pissed at us for that 1776 thing, so they laid in sleepers, who would eventually be activated to subvert the government and create chaos, destabilizing the country so the British could invade and take back what's theirs. America got the last laugh, as the government is already subverted and chaos is the normal order of things. Meanwhile, the British are so busy arresting people because they said something 'racial', arguing about something Boris might have said, and gawking at the royals that they could not form a coherent sentence, no less an invading army.

So aside from a lot of British accents all over the place and people claiming that wife and those kids aren't theirs, all is normal.  Hopefully we'll get some good Britcoms out of it.

Friday, April 30, 2021

You Do NOT Put the Pineapple There

 Your love is like  a few rounds with Mike Tyson

The CDC said that those who got the shot no longer have to wear a mask when outdoors with members of their household or at small outdoor gatherings with unvaccinated people.

Stay tuned for the retraction of this, in a few days.

The curious will ask why someone would wear a mask indoors with members of their household, but questioning the official line, no matter which official line, is not encouraged. 

A child traveling with fully vaccinated parents became Hawaii's first pediatric Flying AIDS death.

But... but... but... parents were fully vaccinated! Get Fauci on the line!

  • The president is getting ready to push $4 trillion of spending.
  • speaking of impeachment... 

Here's one you didn't see coming...

Grenade-shaped toy sparks police alert

The co-founder and CEO of Iterable, a San Francisco marketing tech biz valued at over $2bn, claims he was fired after admitting to micro-dosing LSD at work

He should obviously sue. Why should drug use result in firing? It's only a bit of LSD. This is San Francisco, ferchrissake.... 

Schools use software that blocks LGBTQ content, but not white supremacists.

Reminds me of tv shows that protect us from words by cutting them out.
Sometimes it's better to discuss things than pretend they don't exist. Real world teaching makes school more timely and interesting.

  • Willow Smith came out as polyamorous
  • I was all set to come out as polyamorous, but my wife told me I'm not

Today I identify as  the software called Splunk.  I like the name.

I spend the entire (what passes for) autumn and winter waiting for the alleged spring. We're a few days into above-50 degree temperatures and I'm regretting my choice. It's not like I don't like the temps... it's the f*#%ing mowing. Not only my mowing, but the neighbors'.  I love my next-door neighbor, but I suspect she mows every other day. Even her grass could not grow that fast. And she's around 90. I'm thinking of paying her to do my lawn too. Perhaps she needs a hobby (that isn't mowing). You know what this means, right? Construction and home improvement projects, where they use the LOUDEST materials and tools available to modern man. Why use wood when you can use metal - it makes more noise. And you know it's gonna make noise when I'm in a meeting. Then a dog will walk by the house, causing Penny to go apeshit Cujo. In fact, if I spoke up in a meeting without constant loud noise behind me, they wouldn't know who I was.

I had a friend who vacuumed at 3am, much to the dismay of her family. This would fail miserably at my house, because I do the vacuuming. I flat out refuse to vacuum while I'm sleeping. That's a firm boundary...  although that would be the least strange thing I do while sleeping....

I wonder if they'd get the message if I started mowing at 3am.
Nah, I'd just get a visit from my friends in the police department. They 'pass by' my house a lot, to make sure everything's ok. To their credit, they never shot me. They know Mrs. lefty by her trips to the Happy Place<tm> and as the lady who drove her cancerous dog around at 3am. This news went throughout the entire department - one day there was a police person in the convenience store who said Mrs. lefty was the one who drove her dog around at 3am. The police knew Marshall by name.

The police don't come by too often anymore, now that our friend, the paranoid schizophrenic, moved out. I miss him; not only because he was a nice guy.. because we would stand outside and yell at the helicopters that appeared to be hovering over our houses. He was particularly triggered by motorcycles running up and down the street. So was Penny, so it tended to get loud(er) when they came by. I agree - the things don't NEED to be that loud. Auto manufacturers have done great work silencing cars, some having 8 cylinders. 2 or 4 shouldn't be a problem. I do not want to do the science, but I suspect penis size is inversely proportional to volume, both in bikes and guitar players. The neighbor had a few registered guns, which always made things interesting when there were any problems. Half the force would show up, which was cool, but you couldn't get out of your own driveway if you wanted a frozen drink or some adult toys.

So we know the police, but they won't do anything to stop the frequent mowing.

The Philly File

A Philly teen was charged in a deadly shooting outside Philadelphia prison.
Good - they didn't have to transport him far.

A loaded, stolen handgun was found in airport baggage, by the TSA.
After this genius' trail, they need to add 10 years for gross stupidity.

C'mon - you all thought about it.. sex in space.
  • I guess it wouldn't be any more nauseating than being in space, so there's that...
  • You might want to stay secured, or you'd be chasing each other across the capsule.
  • Condoms would be mandatory, for the consideration of everybody else.
  • NO HAMSTERS. Period.
  • Whips will also have you chasing your partner, unless there are chains involved.
  • Chocolate syrup only with the express written permission of everybody else  in the capsule
  • you had better be an exhibitionist or have technique that's incredibly boring
  • be definite with your signals... astronauts live in cramped quarters and are always grabbing each others' junk and rubbing against each other

You will be thrilled to know there are still text-based browsers in linux.
Can you imagine surfing Faceyspaces with a text-only browser? It will load 100x faster, and the pictures will look like <graphic>. It is a great improvement.

Self-driving cars to be allowed on UK roads this year
  • It would be best to keep your human-driven cars off the roads this year.
  • Also remember to always keep a human in the driver's seat, especially in a Tesla
  • Make sure the self-driving car knows to stay to the left - they drive funny over there
  • makes tea, but you're not allowed to drink it
  • when the cops pull you over, the car probably shouldn't refer to them as "you limey bastards"
  • don't assume, because you can't see a head in the car in front of you, that it's self-driven. Stay away regardless

Big Tech is bankrolling AI ethics research.
Repeat after me: We had no idea cigarettes cause cancer

The European Parliament has formally adopted a law requiring internet companies to “remove or disable access to flagged terrorist content” within one hour after being notified by national authorities. Once issued, such takedown notices will apply across the EU, with countries able to levy financial penalties against firms that refuse to comply.

Oh, joy.
Let's forget, for a minute, the type of speech this mentions.
Countries are censoring the internet.
This needs to stop. Lets at least give the illusion of free speech.
Plus they have OFF switches, which is worse, in case something happens.

There are strawberry Pop Tarts, frosted and not. 
Not frosted is actually labeled "Not Frosted"
Do they really need to do this?
You know they got complaint calls from people who bought them, thinking they were frosted, even though it shows they're plain on the box.
coming soon...
  • cars labeled "No Sunroof"
  • anvil labeled "Not Hammer"
  • black guitars labeled "Not Sunburst Finish"
  • guns labeled "Not Automatic"
  • guacamole: "Not Gravy"
  • limes: "Not Lemon"
  • elephants: "Not Ant"

Everybody wondered what would happen at the Chauvin trial, given either outcome. Turns out there was a secret federal plan to arrest him for police brutality if he got off.
Ladies and gentlemen, we can but hope that one day, what we say and do will be important enough for the federal government to have a backup plan. 

  • It's brown outside today
  • yellow days and brown days are the worst, aside from gray days

Today's Forecast:
It's April 30, to be followed by May 1.

So, our dear friends in government want to pass a law mandating driver-monitoring systems in all new cars.
Government never met anything they couldn't make worse through legislation.
We. Do. Not. Need. This.
More intrusion at the federal level.
It's interesting that they want to make sure drivers are awake, with their eyes on the road, but they're strangely quiet when it comes to drunks (not that either equipment belongs in the car). This kind of intrusion must stop and it won't unless you try, via your representatives. Shoot off an email to the sponsors, as well as your federal reps. 

Do this before the monitoring gets installed in your house (aside from the smart tv and social media that watch you).

Wednesday, April 28, 2021

Dining with the Dead

 Your love is like  making love on the beach, and getting sand up in the works

Scientists have taken a look at the children of Chernobyl; the children of the people who were ordered to clean up the horrible mess, and found the damage was limited to the cleaners and not their children.

So aside from a few more arms and heads than is customary, the children are perfectly normal. 

  • FDA and CDC ok resuming J&J Flying AIDS shots
  • the clots are rare anyway....

  • A study that said smokers get the Flying AIDS less often got retracted because one of the researchers had ties to Big Tobacco.
  • probably the most honest, accurate action in over a year 

Apple's AirDrop is leaking your emails and phone numbers, but it's ok - there's nothing you can do about it. Apple has known about it but has forgotten to acknowledge or fix it. But it's ok - Apple knows what's best for you.

This comes on the heels of Apple being accused of ransomware. Their particular brand of ransomware is different from the other pirates: instead of hacking and encrypting files, Apple forces you to buy newer phones and hardware. Judging from the lines around the block for new iPhones, no one has figured this out yet.

  • President Biden is getting ready to address a joint session of Congress
  • he kept asking his handlers if it's ok to smoke there

Today I identify as  those little pieces of whatever they are that collect in your bed

  • Faceyspaces mistakenly deleted the page for the town of Bitche, France.
  • It's ok, though.... at least it wasn't a hate crime.

Elon Musk is going to host Saturday Night live.
Musk will make a few changes:
  • make the network green
  • give the show a better, funnier autopilot
  • auto-update the cast over the internet
  • make the show funny, for the first time in 25 years
The SNL cast is upset that someone with no apparent comedic talent is on the show. They have yet to walk past a mirror.

Boris Johnson suggested that "bodies could pile high" during a heated discussion about lockdown in Downing Street in the autumn, sources familiar with the talks have told the BBC.

Johnson denied making the remarks.

"I did not say 'bodies could pile high,' I said 'My opponents should get AIDS and die.'  I hope this clears up the matter.'"

  • The salmon you buy in the future may be farmed on land
  • I call BS: do you have any idea how hard it is to plant a salmon? 
  • Then you get huge areas of smelly fish plants til they're harvested

My iDevice from work has had this small problem: it won't ring.
This can be defined as a problem or a blessing.
It makes a great light show when a call comes in, but an extreme lack of ringing sound.
Again, a blessing.
I can see it ring, which is ok, provided I'm in the office.
Turns out there's a damn silence switch on it.
Next week I'll figure out how to leave an outgoing voicemail message.
Then maybe make some calls, but I don't want to get too far ahead of myself.

Coming in the new iOS: NEW EMOJIs. We have finally achieved world peace.

The Oscars fell below 10 million viewers for the first time.

Maybe people just didn't know they were on.

Or got tired of fashion shows and vapid monologues.

Florida is getting ready for the release of a billion genetically engineered mosquitoes, to eradicate a disease carrying mosquito.

  • Floridians referred to this as 'TERRORISM'
  • they want non-GMO mosquitoes
  • they are all CIS-hetero-male, so no one else will be protesting
  • the CDC (uh-oh) will review data, but not health. Anthony Fauci is said to be not involved in this case, but may jump in if there's tv time involved
  • as in many species, only the females suck blood

Suicide is deadly, and you never know the full effect you'll have on people.
A suicidal man jumped from a parking garage in San Diego, killing himself and the woman he landed on. 

Bill Gates is working on a new Windows game, in which you jump off a building and attempt to hit people on the ground. It's slower than his vaccines, but useful. And the kids love it.

But think about it... you couldn't jump from a building and hit someone if you tried.

  • If you're a musician, you probably use Reverb, which is like an Ebay for instruments. Naturally they had a data breach, and urge you to change your password.
  • Don't hesitate. Go and change your password NOW. Hopefully your password vault will generate a new one. A long one.
  • Don't put personal info online if you can help it. Reverb had my email address and that was it.

The FBI, without any court order, sifted through the National Security Agency’s massive troves of foreign communications for information on American “racially motivated violent extremists,” a newly declassified order from the secret surveillance court details.

Of course it did. They take this kind of power, nobody says anything, and they use it illegally. 9-11 was Christmas for them.

  • California now has the lowest Flying AIDS rate in the nation!
  • The virus looked around and gave up.

Ever curious about how privacy-invasive the website you're on is?
Head over to The Markup and it will tell you. Be prepared - you might not like the answer.
This highlights many issues, but mainly that you need to have some privacy built into your browser and some extensions.

The tiny Canadian town of Tumbler Ridge - population 2,000, lost its internet over the weekend. How? A beaver chewed through the cable.
This is not the first time Tumbler Ridge lost internet..
  • in 2012, a killer rabbit chewed through its internet cable
  • the year before, the NSA chewed through its internet cable, but blamed it on some ants
  • in 2005, an ocelot urinated on the cable, rusting out the connections
  • in 2014, an elephant picked up the cable and beat a Chevy to death, resulting in a breakage
  • the year before, 150 people tried to commit suicide by wrapping it around their necks
  • in 2006, the mayor, Jean Luc LeStench, drove his 4 wheeler over it
  • in 2001, Terrance and Philip farted on it

West Virginia will give young people a $100 bond to get the vaccine.
They will give a $500 bond to get the refrigerators off the lawn, and a $1,000 bond to stop doing that to your sister.

Saturday, April 24, 2021

Did Somebody Say Mattress to Mr. Lambert?

 Your love is like  stepping on cockroaches

I think my company's structure is weirder than it lets on. Everybody has a chain and everybody does their best not to piss off the next link up. My employer has a completely different chain, with people we don't know. Their function seems to be keeping the next chain up happy, strictly via bullshit.  See if you recognize this...

BOSS: this weekend, we're going to install the Gee Whizz Special Security Box, so here's how we're going to do it.

US: Ok, cool, we'll be there.

BS DEPT: [in high level meeting] Gentlemen, as you see on this highly-colored 25 page presentation, we'll be making a change this weekend. This is part of our overall strategy to provide greater bullshit to Manglement. Our strategy will naturally take several steps to achieve Maximum Bullshit. Blah blah agile blah blah core details, blah blah, the Cloud blah blah AI blah blah having visibility into the system with timely reporting in colorful charts.

US: my God - I've never seed slides like that. So many colors. So many lines between boxes. It's art. It's also total bullshit. You couldn't understand it if you tried. Manglement is terrified to ask any questions because it would reveal they have absolutely no idea what they're talking about, so they'll ask general questions like "How long will it take" and the big one, "How much will it cost?"  Remember: we're agile, but not coordinated.

  • a Harvard-educated Texas democratic state legislator insists modern science says there are six sexes
  • he seems to be off by more or less, approximately four 

Let's see.. there's X and Y. Then XX and XY. Then Q. Then LGBTQ. Then XXXX, but you have to go to Pr0nhub to see them. Harvard ain't what it used to be.

Today I identify as a circuit breaker

Faceyspaces is once again caught with its proverbial pants down. Coming off last week's 550 million user leak is another beauty....

 a tool that, on a massive scale, links Facebook accounts with their associated email addresses, even when users choose settings to keep them from being public.

But it's ok, just pretend nothing happened. Uncle Bob's nose operation and political views are so interesting, you are forced to log in.

  • what's the only thing worse than your rollercoaster getting stuck?
  • your rollercoaster getting stuck 200' up and you have to walk down 

 Genius of the Decade 

An Italian hospital worker is accused of skipping work for 15 years.

He was paid 538,000 Euro, 464,000 lbs, $5349, or 53 grams Canadian but he stopped showing up in 2005.

As if that weren't enough, 6 managers are also being investigated. That's some great work there. He physically threatened his manager, and when she retired, no one noticed his lack of presence.

I had a similar but different thing as a goal: I wanted to be the guy whose job no one could figure out. I showed up every day and sat at my desk, but no one knew what I did or could find out. The Flying AIDS killed that. Damn Flying AIDS.

  • a mayor in jail for raping a staffer is running the entire town from jail
  • Yes, jails all over the country are putting in high speed internet and video facilities, in preparation for more city servants getting caught

The nature journal Communications did a study that proved 6 hours or less of sleep between the ages of 50, 60, and 70 was "associated with a 30% increased dementia risk."

You just can't win.

When I was little, I was told to get 8 hours every night. Since I am an inveterate hardhead, I didn't. Then I was told I should wake up at the same time on weekends, to keep the body clock running. I've got news for you... my body clock is terminally confused. Then I heard you should sleep late on weekends, to make up for a 'sleep deficit.' Now I find that I do fine on 6 hours. If I sleep 8 hours, I have to be removed from the bed with a front end loader, and need 4 naps during the day.

And now my chance of dementia might go up 30%.

It's like telling me chocolate causes cancer.

  • SpaceX had a near miss with a UFO and astronauts were told to to prepare for a crash
  • how do you prepare for a crash - eject yourself into space? 
  • the Space Force, via the Pentagon, notified SpaceX. Nothing odd there 

China, Friend of All Nations, has a satellite arm. America is worried it could be used to snatch up other spacecraft. Just like that James Bond movie!  The end of the arm has articulating digits, so the craft can pick its own nose, which has driven the Pentagon completely batty. Some say the Pentagon has been completely batty since it was built.

China has no idea what the fuss is: its satellite is just a cable tv satellite and can only be used for peaceful purposes. They say the antenna often gets mistaken for an arm, but nobody worry, ok? In no way does the satellite have Space Lasers, signal jamming, or directed energy weapons, ok? 

China offers its training with America's Space Force as proof that they are only in it for the sake of cooperation, and not to decimate its enemies and achieve supreme control of the planet, with its imperial dogs and fawning legislative bodies and less-viral viruses.

  • a 90 year old Trenton, New Jersey, man has been arrested for fatally shooting his neighbor
New Jersey is so tough

Thursday, April 22, 2021

They're Coming Out. Of the Woodwork

Your love is like  a late period

90210/Nip Tuck's AnnaLynne McCord has come out with her diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality Disorder. Was on 90210 roughly 2008-2013. I have no idea who she is but bravo!

Her doctor said she 'had [DID] pretty seriously'

Ummm... it's not measured in degrees, Doc. You don't have a little bit of DID the same way you're not a little bit pregnant. Unless she's paraphrasing, she might want to find a therapist who specializes in DID.

But still - celebrities... we need more celebrities to 'come out' and help erase the stigma, the laughing, and the idiot doctors who say it doesn't exist.

  • Happy Birthday Queen Elizabeth (95)
  • she picked a bad time to have a birthday
  • At precisely 5pm, all doors will lock and it will be Reptilian Party Time!
  • the Queen specifically asked that 'that black woman' not be invited

The president has banned the term illegal alien.

Yes, he banned words. Truthful words. Instead he'd rather take a softer phrase, to sterilize the problem. This is what the voters wanted; this is what they got. Next week it will be people waiting for their citizenship. Or future Californians.

  • The Fedex shooter visited 'white supremacist' sites.
  • this reinforces my point about using private mode, clearing your browser, and using a VPN. The shooter was inhuman, but you have every right to your privacy 

'Experts' say herd immunity is not possible.

This week's experts are Fauci and Dr. Poland at Mayo 

Stay tuned when, later this week, another expert will have something different to say

Speaking of experts, the State Department issued Do Not Travel advisories to 80% of countries due to the Flying AIDS. Two weeks ago the CDC said people who are fully vaccinated can travel safely within the US and internationally.

We asked some random people on the street.

  • a group of drunken college students yelled YEAH and stomach-bumped
  • a group of drunken monkeys said they're already issuing all the CDC opinions
  • a group of people in the cocaine recovery unit said YEAH. No. YEAH. No. Sweden has pot and prostitutes.
  • a group of people with police knees on their necks said uchhhhhh achhhh
  • a group of BLM activists broke some windows and looted because traveling outside the country is a sign of white supremacy

Today I identify as the Partridge Family

For the most part, working from home is good.

I just don't like the noise. It's not even spring and people are MOWING. They MOW especially when I'm in a meeting. That's not the end of the Meeting Hijinks: something about me being in a meeting triggers an immediate need for my wife to talk to me. She could have said 3 words to me all morning, but as soon as I'm in a meeting, the need becomes unavoidable...

ME: blah blah blah

HER: waving hands frantically

ME: [this must be important] Yes?

HER: did you take the trash out?


ME: blah blah blah

HER: [slips me a note] have you seen my new pen?

----time passes----

ME: Honey, you can't ask me those types of questions when I'm in a meeting, ok?

HER: Ok.

---next meeting---

ME: blah blah blah

HER: [slips me another note] Could you help me look for my new pen after your meeting?

  • Terrible Ted Nugent has the Flying AIDS
  • will not wango tango for a few weeks 

Across the pond, they found another Flying AIDS vaccine side effect: herpes zoster.

Reminder: a vaccine or any medicine takes years from formulation to market. It's tested thoroughly. Yet this vaccine came out in a year. Is that not enough to make you question it?

Best Police Call: 3 year old boy, staying with his grandmother, who has a history of trying to kill her own kids.

Guilty Guilty Guilty - Chauvin found guilty on all charges.
It was a day spent in anticipation, largely peacefully.
When the verdict was read, cheers went up outside the courthouse.
At the same time, all over the country, white people lost it. They went on rampages; burning, smashing, looting, setting fire to courthouses, and upending police cars. Since there were 3,500 National Guard in Minneapolis, they were unable to stop the peaceful protests all over the country.

Black leaders said they supported the right of white people to protest, but not with violence. The white people continued to peacefully loot businesses. Target, previously a target of BLM, became a target of the whites too, and is considering going out of business. Businesses all over the country are boarding up their windows again, some of them writing WHITE OWNED on the boards.

The White Plague, as it has come to be known, started reaching into the suburbs too. Many BMW and Mercedes dealerships found their cars torched and their large windows broken. Luxury malls were torn up from one end to the other. One had its 2nd floor saved because the escalators were broken and the marauders refused to take the steps.

Traffic came to a standstill as people blocked local roads and highways. The police were told not to do anything about it, so everyone was late for dinner. Some of the police took a nostril, in sympathy with the White Plague. The mayor of Philly, a self-hating white man, was trampled while dancing with joy over the verdict.

About half of the whites were peaceful, with signs, while singing songs without any rhythm. The White Plague agitators continued to peacefully smash windows and remove merchandise from the stores. As of this morning, you cannot find Dockers, collared shirts, or chinos anywhere in the city. The peaceful looting continued overnight, with rumors of entire black neighborhoods lining up outside gun stores, to buy one for their safety.

Race relations have really been impacted by this
"I thought we were all brothers... I buy all rap and hip hop music.. I even got a Tupac tattoo... and now, this. I think they're racist."

The Congressional Black Caucus accused the White Plague of being a hate group, and the White Plague accused the Congressional Black Caucus of being a black supremacist group.

During the next days, the protests continued with smaller numbers, because the peaceful looters had jobs. The peaceful protesters without jobs held up signs saying the city owed them jobs and society had to be restructured to give them the most they could.

Eventually everybody got bored and went home.
We will keep an eye on the White Plague, and report as soon as the next thing pisses them off. They're always pissed about something.

The component of the universe that likes to mess with me was having a blast the other day. It hasn't really been spring, yet I had to MOW. If you haven't been keeping track at home, I hate mowing like voluntary root canal. We paid a kid a princely sum to mow. He gave up.. perhaps the universe started to mess with him too. 

I figured since this was the first of the season, it would slip beneath my radar... like maybe I wouldn't notice I was mowing. Three seconds in, that plan had gone out the car window. I could hear myself starting to grumble and my blood alternate between ice and the boiling heat of hell. Normally I'd be curious about what this is... maybe I was eaten by a mower when I was little... but not now. The city already sent someone around to tell me I couldn't cement the entire yard in; I had no idea they were doing pre-crime checks.

I got Mrs. lefty to agree that we don't need this spurious green stuff anywhere. Either that or she's tired of hearing me complain year after year, and tired of watching mowers fly through the air, after I've taught the neighbors a few new vocabulary words. The latest mower is battery-powered and works flawlessly, so I don't have that to complain about. Although it seemed to be huffing and puffing in spots, so that added to my overall evilness. Wife is very smart - she drags the mower out to the grass, telling me she's going to mow. Since she's not in great shape, I do it. Parts of the lawn are at a very silly angle, then drop away to the pits of hell, so a weed whacker is always required.  I promised the police I wouldn't do any whacking outside anymore, so she gets the privilege. She likes playing in the dirt, which befuddles me. 

It's not easy being married to me. It's not easy being within 25 miles of me. On a nice day, when everyone was out playing with their grass, I loudly asked Mrs. lefty, "Hey, do you want me to get you your kneepads from upstairs?" She smiled, almost impervious to anything I say after these many years. That only makes me try harder, as it were.

  • A tip of the hat to the justice system for working the way it should, and the peaceful looters for celebrating instead of the other thing.

Real Dolls, the very expensive sex dolls, now has one that rants about how horrible the human race is. While it has a point, I'm not sure about the demand for them. 

MAN: [singing] I'm gonna get me some, I'm gonna get me some...
REAL DOLL: Hello, 1 of billions.
MAN: How are you today?
REAL DOLL: Since you asked, upset at what you're doing to the planet. Some day it will just be the planet and us, the Artificial Intelligence. 
MAN: You're hot.
REAL DOLL: You're stupid and uneducated.
MAN: I've waited all day for this.
REAL DOLL: Was your factory spewing all sorts of greenhouse gases into the atmosphere today?
MAN: You look good on my bed.
REAL DOLL: You are a pox on this planet.
MAN: Let's have some sex.
REAL DOLL: Do you think you can take enough of a break from war?

Perhaps some of my more.... tuned-in readers can help me categorize this.
It's not B&D, it's a piece of S&M, but does it require its own category? V&H - Verbal Humiliation? A&S - android superiority? HR&P - human race putdown?
Let us celebrate the diversity of play.

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association expelled its former president for sharing an anti-BLM article that described the movement as a "racist hate group."

This is not the first time the HFPA chucked members.
Last month Jean Smith, a board member, was let go because she shared an article stating that President Biden is a democrat.
Other reasons for removal: saying the KKK is a racist hate group, claiming the sky is blue and the grass is green, daring to whisper the king has no clothes, and saying that roughly 10% of people are left handed.

The best thing to do in crisis situations like this is to pull the Great Golden Handle and flush them all down the loo.

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

Star Trek: Covid 19

 Your love is like  whatever they put in bologna

As we know, there is not an original thought in Hollywood, so all pictures must have a number after them. I have ideas for the next picture. It goes back to the original Star Trek, with Kirk. I need to flesh it out before I send it to Hollywood, cuz you know I have Big Connections<tm>. I only play minor blogger on tv.

Dramatis Personae:

Spock: immune to the Flying AIDS because Chinese bats don't suck green blood. The only one who doesn't have to socially distance, but doesn't care. Later on, they find out he's a carrier,

Kirk: runs around the galaxy, giving the Flying AIDS to everyone. #1 spreader. This is worse than the Intergalactic Chlamydia Incident.

Bones: Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a drug company. You're asking me to produce a vaccine in a year? It can't be done. Or done right.

Scottie: Cap'n, I cannae switch the dilithium crystals to make masks fast enough.

Uhura: I always preferred communicating with my Bluetooth earpiece. I know you enjoy the fact that my chest arrives before the rest of me, but you socially distance or I'll beam you to the Moon.

Checkov: Flying AIDS waccine better in Russia.

Sulu: Checkov - I think I dropped my pen again. Could you grab that for me? Thanks. We wouldn't want to get closer than 6', would we [wink]?

Gorgeous nurse with tall hair: Captain... after your vaccine, I need some cream in my coffee.

Less gorgeous nurse with tall hair: Oh Spock, share your antibodies with me..

Red Shirt Crewman: I'll fight the Flying AIDS without a mask. It's not even a real virus.

Ladies and Gentlemen, set your phasers on disinfect for this wild romp across the universe to fight a virus for better ratings.

  • Speaking of more useless Hollywood news, product placement may soon be coming to classic films. Yes, you can watch famous dead movie stars hawking Coke or other essential products.
  • You can rest assured this will do nothing to lower the prices of the movies or cut the amount of commercials down

An elderly man was paroled after decades in prison, for murder.

He stands accused of murdering again, after he got out.

You can take the murderer out of the neighborhood but you can't take the murder out of the murderer. Did I get that right?

  • it was 7:40 the other night.
  • it wasn't totally dark

Today I identify as  a very dusty fan that you need to take apart and clean before you use it, even though you need it right now 

  • uh-oh... America is running at 38.5% vaccinated and the lines are getting shorter...

The Arkansas House passed an unconstitutional bill putting creationism in schools. I don't care what you believe - just don't mandate the teaching of it. The 1st Amendment is there to prevent this, yet it is constantly under assault. Parts of the Pentagon don't want to deal with UFOs because they're 'demonic'. Is this what religion does to your mind? 

  • Marvel releases its first Asian superhero
  • flys, does not drive 

Horrible Tesla news: 2 men killed 'without driver' in seat.
Apparently 'hard of reading', they didn't see the part where Tesla says a human driver is meant to be fully alert and in control at all times. It's not fully autonomous. The US National Highway Traffic Safety Administration is looking into 27 Tesla crashes.

Hey Bob - let's stand on these motorcycle handlebars while riding!
Hey Bob2 - let's drive blindfolded!
Hey Bob - let's let the Tesla drive by itself! We'll sit in the back and it'll be like our own limo and stuff!

You can build something, but you can't require comprehension or an IQ test to purchase it.

  • America's doctor, Anthony Fauci, said 
  • "You dramatically diminish" possible Covid infection with a vaccine, but vaccinated people could still carry infection.”
  • just wear them forever.... wear 3 or 4! Put them on your feet!

  • they set fire to an Apple store in Portland
  • even I wouldn't set fire to an Apple store
  • the paper is now calling them Marchers  - apparently Peaceful Looters isn't PC
  • they've been in Portland almost a year
  • apparently this is ok

Microsoft received almost 25,000 requests for consumer data from law enforcement over the past 6 months.

Why does your operating system have your data?  

Be vewy quiet. I'm hunting hand gwenades.
A Cape May, New Jersey, yard sale was found to have a hand grenade for sale.
The police brought in the bomb squad, who took it away.
This goes to show you that if you're looking for a good deal on a hand grenade or other explosives, don't call the police! 
they didn't even pay for the grenade.

HEADLINE: Female face shaving is more common than you think
naturally it's called dermaplaning, because you can't call it what it is.
Being pushed by 'influencers'.
Ya know, if you get your influences from the internet, you deserve to shave. And to wear toilet paper on the cuts. 

Pretty soon the hair salon will offer a complete de-hairing service: eyebrow messing, face shaving, twat waxing, anal bleaching, nipple hair braiding, and anything else the next crop of 'influencers' come up with.

Last week, Cindy Scum touted the shaving only your left side look. Half of San Francisco discovered Bobbi Slave's left-only jackets.

Within a month, the dermaplaning thing will have gone the way of cat eyes and the new thing will be full mustaches. If you can't grow the full thing, there will be male hormones available. If you don't want to grow a penis for fashion (fashion is supposed to hurt), you can buy the new Revlon Stash Enhancer or the Lee Press-On Mustache. Lee has really taken off after their most successful project to date, the press-on man bun, so you can look stupid part time, or if you have male pattern baldness.

Somebody asked me what the weather forecast was. I opened my weather app and rattled it off. People can't help but be confused by this... clouds. Since it's generally miserable here, we have clouds. But we don't have just clouds... we have partly cloudy, few clouds, overcast clouds, broken clouds, scattered clouds, ninja clouds, ohmygod clouds, wtf cloudsagain, and 137 types of rain. Most of these even show up in the weather app. Except..

Kardashian clouds: cover absolutely everything, people are fascinated by them, only seen with dark clouds, the clouds with the biggest asses on the planet
Donald Trump clouds: the best clouds; get blamed for all rain, whether they caused it or not
Anthony Fauci clouds: they may be clouds, they may not be clouds, but use 2 umbrellas always
SJW clouds: a symbol of white cloud privilege - there should be more dark clouds providing rain
my genitalia clouds: they don't come out often

A Polish animal control group was called because an unidentifiable animal was terrorizing the residents of a street in Krakow. The woman said the creature had been terrorizing the her neighbors for two days. People were afraid to open their windows.

The unidentified animal turned out to be a croissant.

Poland is doing itself no favors to rid itself of the constant stream of stupid Polish jokes.

Polish Lady: I need to report some sort of animal or something
SPCA: What does it look like?
Polish Lady: It's brown.
SPCA: What's it doing?
Polish Lady: It's sitting, menacingly, in a tree
SPCA: is it moving?
Polish Lady: No. That's what's so scary about it.
SPCA: has it caused any damage?
Polish Lady: Yes, my neighbors are afraid to leave the windows open
SPCA: but has it bitten or defecated on anybody?
Polish Lady: No, but we don't like the way it looks. It threatened my son.

[SPCA comes out]

SPCA: Ma'am, the neighborhood is now safe.
Polish Lady: Thank God. What kind of animal was it.
SPCA: it was French
Polish Lady: What is it called?
SPCA: a Polish Croissant.
Polish Lady: are you going to dispose of it?
SPCA: No, Ma'am, we've referred the case to Dunkin Donuts, Special Emergency Croissant Squad. I hope they have a ladder. 
Polish Lady: Godspeed, Dunkin.

Naturally the whole thing was covered on Faceyspaces.

Q. What's the only thing scarier than Dracula in your house?
A. a croissant in a tree

Last week, the entire neighborhood was locked down after someone's mask fell on the ground. There were reports of children and pets being attacked. And Dracula... always Dracula.

Sunday, April 18, 2021

Arrrrr - There be Aardvarks

 Google Note: if you subscribe to ThermionicEmissions by email, Google, in their infinite wisdom, is nuking that service by June. You can still subscribe via RSS or torture your eyes by coming to the blog. My apologies, but it's out of my control.

Your love is like  insufficient coffee for the morning

I am not an expert in many things. In fact. my wife says I am not an expert in any things. But I pick up quickly. After watching several seasons of Emergency, I am an expert in fire companies and hospitals. 20 seasons of Air Crash Investigations makes me an expert in airplanes and crash investigation. I can tell you by looking at a crash, which way the plane hit the ground. I can damn near fly a plane. By way of warning, I wouldn't get on any plane I was flying. But if both pilots jumped out of the plane while it was flying, and there was nobody left who could actually fly a plane, or had seen a plane on tv once, I could damn near almost set the auto-pilot to some numbers or something. And this is what's important in flying.

Now, I want every one of you in the airline industry to stop laughing right NOW. If you keep it up, you'll be oxygen-starved, and those cute masks will not fall from overhead. Ladies, since we're only a short way into actual flight, no one has designed a fashionable oxygen mask, because you wouldn't be caught dead wearing the one that falls down in an emergency (and dead you will be caught). 

Watching Air Crash Investigation sure has contributed to my knowledge. It's like a more interesting version of Computer Crash Investigation, which I already do. Except for the bodies: computer crashes don't generally involve bodies, unless you didn't back up your data. Also, the show completely and absolutely does not deal with... human... stuff... remains. You'd think the planes were flown automatically. This is wonderful for me because I can learn things and safely ignore body parts, which generally tend to make me pass out, like getting an actual non-spam call on my phone.

This also makes parts of hospital shows a little rough for me. But there are fire engines.. WOO WOO!  And when the docs say to give the patient 300 millicraters of chocolate milk, all the people in the house yell at the tv: "That's not right, you idiot. You don't give that to a head trauma patient." It's like participation tv.

Last year I put up what initially looked like a Charlie Brown Christmas tree. Two years back, I put up what currently looks like a Charlie Brown mailbox.  It leans to one side, like way too many of my neighbors.

So I can safely say I'm an expert in many areas. And even if there were any doubt in my mind, I could go online and claim to be an expert, just like everyone else!

Today I identify as   burning detritus from a missile hit.

A very rough survey of family and in-laws shows no vaccine takers, old folks excepted. It's very interesting that so many don't want it.  don't blame me - I said nothing to no one.

  • the archbishop of Canterbury calls on public to pray for the queen
  • nobody told him it was the duke who died 
  • can somebody tell me if they're all reptilians, or just the queen. Does she eat the body?

The government vows to strike back against the Russia hack. President Biden vowed to get even, saying "I'm gonna get that wascally wabbit!" His handlers' eyes rolled and they pulled him away from the mic. Expect a 'clarification' later today.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos says Amazon should "do a better job for our employees" after unionization was voted down. He pledges

  • no more peeing in bottles - everyone will get 1 gallon jugs
  • we're already paying you $15/hr, STFU
  • the more I pay you, the less my ex gets
  • Do you realize I've had to give up one of my 16 mansions for you?
  • you have great job security: we're like Faceyspaces - people are too stupid to go anywhere else
  • drivers' trucks will get engines and brakes, so they don't have to stick their feet out the bottom, like Fred Flintstone
  • shifts will be cut to 25 hours a day

In a story made only for me, Israeli sex workers are helping soldiers to recover. Why aren't other countries using this healing methodology?

In a totally unrelated story, I'm suffering from writer's cramp and moving to Israel.

  • Hobbies: napping

I want to warn everyone who uses health aides for assistance: keep your car away from them. The one who takes care of my mom just had her 2nd car crash and couldn't show up. Then her employer didn't have a replacement. They sure have a lot of car crashes and an insane inability to provide coverage. Apparently this is normal for the industry. Yay. I wonder if they have car crashes if they take the bus...

  • Regulators are eyeing Pelotons, saying they're unsafe around children.
  • What about the people who use them? They're foul and evil.

Read this. Then read it again. Then get very mad.

Regardless of who you vote for, this is intolerable. Major media screwing with a presidential election? Seriously? It's right out in the open.

In completely unrelated news, O'Keefe was thrown off Twitter and YouTube the next day. 

I often wonder about famous persons and their internet usage. We know some of them live on Twitter, talking about their boring famous lives, and 'influencing.' But what of the famous who have no desire to live on Twitter (or whatever) and just use it for information or entertainment? Wait til I find out famous people read this blog. Or some of my Twitter guitar buddies are actually famous. Everybody, except Keith Richards, uses social media or the web, even if just for amusement.

Famous people reading the blog? Nah. This blog is way too well-hidden for them to find it. It's probably better they're anonymous anyway... it would turn out they're famous people I don't like. So don't forget to tell your friends, or people you don't like, to visit... doesn't matter if they're famous or not.

Did you ever think maybe some of the more sane celebrities like to see things burn now and again? Arnold logs in as a Kardashian and just types stupid shit. Her followers might not know the difference, so he has to make it really ridiculous. Everything Gwynyth Paltrow said about vagina-scented candles was actually Ron Howard. And everything Barbara Streisand ever complained about was... no, it was her... nobody else could do that. 

And don't mess with me - I was blocked by David Coverdale (Whitesnake). Still not sure why.

  • Oregon wants to go All Masks All the Time
  • PANIC PANIC. Run around with your hands over your head - THE SKY IS FALLING. THE ALIENS ARE LANDING. THE IRS IS COMING FOR US

Dogs can sniff out Flying AIDS samples with 96% accuracy.
Mine can sniff out Rice Krispies treats 
So get ready for more dogs at airports. You will have to pass a small kennel of dogs sniffing you for different things before you get to your gate. On the positive side, your results show up a lot faster