Monday, November 23, 2020

My Service Aardvark Fills In When My Service Elephant Has Off

 

Your love is like a made-in-China enema kit


Every now and then I get shown a picture of someone from my past. This takes a circuitous path, especially if the picture came from Faceyspaces. I have 2 friends who send me stuff from Faceyspaces, because I don't have an account. It's like a remote Faceyspaces forwarding service. It also serves as a Faceyspaces Filter, as they only send me the important stuff, which is a picture every 6 years or so.

I hadn't heard the word cyberstalking, but I knew what it was. A friend stalked his ex-wife, another seemed to stalk his friends, and some of mine (I don't understand this.. you've read the blog - I'm not that interesting). Faceyspaces was initially referred to as a place to go to get looked up by people in your 1st grade class or the guy who taught you donkey riding when you were 8 (he always seemed needy, even though you didn't know what needy was either). 

One of my forwarding people sent me pics of people in my old group (the guy who stalked my friends). It was only 50% frightening. One guy was standing there at his sink, missing only a towel for drying the dishes. The female singer... well... she had gone into weightlifting. Or houselifting. People like this sort of thing, mostly the lifters themselves, but I don't. I don't want a woman who can bench press me. If you bump into her in the middle of the night, either you'll bounce off, or she'll make you wish you were dead. It's a bad look for a singer too, unless you're Henry Rollins. Henry is very muscular, and when you pair it with the 'I'm going to kill you and eat your bones' look in his eyes, it sorta works. She, meanwhile, was pretty, and I emphasize the past tense. I'm not sure how you get dates looking like this, except maybe other female lifters, and she wasn't into that. 

So it's good to have someone checking up on your past and sending you current pictures. Ok, it really isn't.


Today I identify as  Ed Sheeran. God, I hate myself.


Life is a learning process. By this I mean that I say stupid shit, and well-meaning people tell me that wasn't the right thing to say at that particular moment, to that particular person. I think it happened again today. The developers from a very large, international corporation asked how my team liked their new interface. All I said was "The interface designers all had some sort of interesting visual impairment." Even if no one tells me I goofed, total and complete silence is usually an indicator. Don't ever tell me I don't pick up on subtle cues.

My boss, bless him, was warned about me. He used to defuse bombs, so nothing rattles him. While this works greatly in my favor, if I'm having a particularly edgy day, and the potato chip clips on my balls aren't doing their job, sometimes I forget to 'play nice'. I figure I'll have this whole thing down sometime after retirement.

Retirement poses its own challenges, as do days off. Currently it's only a days off issue. I don't do well with vacation. I tried to get work to pay me for vacation days not taken, but they filed the idea with all my other ideas, in a special round file, near my personnel file. I told them if they insist I take days off, I'll just get into things, and do they want that on their conscience. They're still 'evaluating' my suggestion. We know I'm helpless around the house, and Mrs lefty is getting tired of my constant demands for boom boom, so she sends me out of the house. This is where the trouble starts. Whenever I'm separated from my couch, I don't know what to do with myself, so the Buying starts. Only I can never find anything I like, so it becomes an exercise in frustration. This is even worse during the holidays (which seem to come weekly at the mall). The only drinks available are at Starbucks, and I don't like Starbucks, so I have a habit of disposing of the drinks in 'interesting' ways. 3 story malls are interesting, but we shan't go there, on advice of my lawyer. I really don't like people, so malls can get tedious, especially around the holidays. We used to have a tradition of going to malls on Xmas eve, getting hot chocolate, and watching people run around like pure idiots, but even that has lost its luster with the Flying AIDS. I could go to the mall without a mask and try to get thrown out, but even that sounds boring. Or a mask that says FLYING AIDS on it. Everyone must be reading this blog because whenever I say Flying AIDS, they know exactly what I'm talking about, including doctors.

Upon further study, I just checked and I have damn near 7 hours to burn off or I lose them. 7 hours! I'm giddy with delight. I shall wake the Mrs and we can plan how to spend it. That's damn near a whole day!  I could start work, eat lunch, then take off the rest of the day, all without leaving the house. Unfortunately this leaves me back at being separated from my beloved couch. I can't bear to go shopping, even for guitars, with these stupid masks. It should be pretty funny at Guitar Center, where musicians, who are the rebels of society, pee their pants if somebody isn't wearing a mask.

And this, Your Honor, is why it's just best to leave me on the couch, with something to do.



  • The FAA cleared the Boeing 737 MAX for flight again.
  • Are you ready to fly on one?
  • Douglas Adams (Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy) refers to flying as 'throwing yourself at the ground and missing.' Let's hope the plane continues to miss.


In case you're interested, torrents available for download today are courses in Blender, R programming, The Long Kiss Goodnight, and something called I F'd My Step-daughter after Bowling Night. This sounds... errr.... umm... interesting. Of course I mean R programming. Blender is pure smut.


  • Scientists, via the New Horizons, discover space isn't pitch black after all
  • It's Pepto pink 


But seriously, folks, there is a Jimi Hendrix movie coming out, called Live in Maui. I saw "Voodoo Child" from it and it was intense. The man was a guitar god and no one has surpassed him. If he were alive today, there's no telling what he'd be into, but it would be good.

Also out is more from the Zappa vault. The Mothers 1970 is a period I really like, with Mark Volman and Howard Kaylan on vocals (they used to be called The Turtles). 


Dear lefty 

  • What hurts more - thumb tacks or wood slivers under the fingernails?
  • Ok, you got me there-I have no idea. Why don't you stop by this weekend and we'll do the science


A massive hack by a state-funded Chinese hacking group hit companies around the world. You gotta admit, China has some solid steel balls. First it's Huawei, then the Flying AIDS, now hacking. They're making a good case for 'regime change' or nuclear test bed. Nah-let's send the CIA in to 'advise' the leaders.


Flying AIDS news

The CDC is pleading with Americans not to travel for Thanksgiving. They will have an employee in every airport, pleading with you personally. At the end of the day, the employee will fly home.

The CDC also warns against non-household members for turkey, and will station one staff member per block to knock down on doors to check.

Jumping on the bandwagon, a Fresno bishop urged Catholics not to 'jump on the vaccine bandwagon'. He has concerns about stem cells, referring to them as morally objectionable materials. Fresno Catholics have concerns about some of the priests' morally objectionable behavior, which is way down on the bishop's list of morally objectionable things.

At the last Bishops' Conference, it was decided that whenever someone mentioned child molestation, they would say "LOOK- STEM CELLS!"

A Los Angeles stay-at-home order might be issued. This could be very beneficial to the rest of the country, but not for the reason Idiot Governor proposed it. Many have suggested Los Angeles stay at home, especially around awards time.

In England, extensive tracking shows the Flying AIDS caught from supermarkets. The British are cautioned to avoid shopping for food.

There's always one: in Philly, a woman wrote #stopthespread and hung masks from her tree. The masks went overnight, but local officials couldn't bear to tell her hashtags don't work on trees.

There's always another one: Idiot Governor's Health Secretary insists masks be worn outside AND inside the house.  Banned are indoor gatherings, indoor dining, casinos, gyms, museums, and libraries. Idiot Governor said they have no intention of implementing another broad-based shutdown (aside from indoor gatherings, indoor dining, casinos, gyms, museums, and libraries). #ImpeachWolf.

A group of restaurant owners are suing Philly over the restrictions. Philly's immediate reaction was 'restrictions are temporary, death is permanent'. Rights are temporary, abusers are permanent. YOU voted these people in, Philly. #ImpeachKenny 


  • if you have seborrhea (scalp itchies), you should probably not pronounce it 'gonorrhea,' especially to your mom or doctor. Don't ask.


That didn't take long?

The UK revealed its Space Force and some sort of AI agency.

Philly Mayor blames Flying AIDS, says Space Force has to stay home and wear masks.


Today in Los Angeles Superior Court, a class action suit was filed, claiming racism in the lack of news coverage of rock and roll one-on-one crime. Robert Plant says no one knows he shot Steven Tyler, Freddie Mercury's estate noted no coverage of his West vs East feud with Tom Petty, and to this day, no one knows how many of Scott Weiland's girlfriends were stolen by Kurt Cobain. Dave Grohl's machine-gunning of Pearl Jam at an awards show never got out, nor did Jimi Hendrix's ongoing theft of Janis Joplin's drugs, which she claimed was the reason she shot him. Plant said, "Yeah, everyone carried a piece. Hardly a car ride was had without a shooting."

The plaintiffs allege that no coverage was given to their violent, drug-filled feuds 'because we were white.' Reached at his satanic mansion, somewhere in the middle of England, Jimmy Page said, "Yeah, it wash like that. I mean.. the 70s were a time of great violence in Rock. Plus we didn't have stupid names like 'Stallion', 'Weekend Chance' or 'Bieber'. I would have died of embarrassment if my manager said to call me Jimmy Thee Mare. First of all, it's spelled wrong, then a mare is female, which nobody seems to question. It's obviously race-fuelled."

All attempts to reach Jimi Hendrix have been futile.



TV is awash with commercials for stuff with beets. If you take the stuff, you'll feel better, more mentally awake, and your nostrils will be larger. Over the years, scientists have worked with beets, and discovered that the problem with beets is that they taste like beets. Yes, they give you all the benefits, but they remain fully adamant in tasting like beets. One product attempted to circumvent this issue by telling you their product has a nice cherry flavor. Or sawdust.

Strangely enough, a beet product appeared in my kitchen. The other day I seriously needed a boost (and to be honest, a little bit of nostril enlargement) Bravely, I put on my armor and mixed it with 8oz (17km Canadian) of water. In addition to all my other areas of impairment, I cannot tell what 8oz of water is. Might be a coffee cup, might be a gas tank. I went for a happy medium - a beer barrel. Cautiously I put it near my mouth... I was already up one(!)-it didn't smell. With a true sense of false bravado, I put some in my mouth. This was my second mistake. OMG, this shit tastes like beets!  Apparently the brand that appeared did not have the good grace to taste like something else. Even broccoli would have been fine. Brussels sprouts. Dog poop. GOOD LORD - BEETS! 

I called in my Head Purchaser, who seemed surprised, even though she purchased it. This is the same purchaser who knows not to let cranberry come within 6 miles of my turkey. She put on her lead apron and tasted it. I gathered, from her rapid trip to the bathroom and resulting noises, she wasn't fond of it either (and she likes beets). She said it would be better in yogurt.

The following morning we had the Scientists in to do the Science. It turns out only 0.00061% of people like beets, and none of them are in North America. Or Earth. In fact, even food banks will refuse beets, as not even the hungry will take them, so they sit there, growing an odd, green fuzz, which eventually evolves the power to speak. If you don't like the flavor, you don't want to hear what they have to say.

So I tentatively dropped a spoonful of beet powder into my yogurt, with the promise that the purchaser would eat it if I didn't like it. Ok, I'm game. First we did some Science, bending down and presenting the powder to the dog. The dog was thrilled, wagged her tail like mad, took one sniff, then walked away. Have you ever seen a lemon face on a dog? It's not pretty. The scientists were aghast. Bouyed by the dog's input, I tried the yogurt. Within a second, I had taken up my purchaser's offer to eat it if I didn't like it, and placed it near her. She hasn't eaten it and I think it's about to say something. I understand not being able to camouflage it in water, but yogurt? I think it refuses to mix with anything out of spite. So you get crunchy yogurt, which might as well be Whizzo Assortment's Crunchy Frog. Even Clorox bleach wouldn't get the taste out of my mouth. So the Emergency Room Special Stomach Squad is on Standby, as is SWAT.



Happys - magic day for guitar players

Dr John

Duane Allman

Frank Marino

Joe Walsh






Saturday, November 21, 2020

Service Elephants Don't Like Cold Weather

 Your love is like  painful periods


The Medicare open season commercials are getting out of hand. It was bad enough when there were only the ancient football legends - now it's legit actors. Kelsey Grammer (Frasier) and Danny Glover (I'm gettin too old for this, Riggs) are now appearing, along with Dann Florek (Special Crimes - SUV).

If they really want to make it interesting, they can have a football game with Joe Namath, Joe Thiesman, and Mike Ditka, then line them up against Kelsey, Dann, and Danny. To keep things ultra-relevant, after the first play, all players will be rushed to the hospital and treated, using the insurance they advertise for. You know, with a bunch of men this age, there will be no shortage of injuries, perhaps just getting to the field. You have to figure bone breakage, but we'll figure out a way to make it more interesting, with traumatic brain injury, testicular cancer, and some sexually transmitted diseases. It's not like there will be a 2nd play...

While in the hospital, they can choose a lawyer from the All Day Law Network (any channel). As a special treat, Tom Selleck (Magnum PR) will come in, with his ill-fitting dentures, and talk to them about reverse mortgages. It's about time their heads exploded, instead of ours...


  • The most Shazam-ed songs, top 10
  • I don't know a single one of them, but I have heard of 2 of the artists
  • 'Music' is merely product; the worst so in history 


If your place of business is anything like mine (empty), you're likely to run into people doing nasty things, generally in pairs, but not limited to pairs. If you're working from home and run into people doing the mattress dance, it's better that you tell no one.

What do you say to 2 of your coworkers, upon finding them sharing their mutual excitement for partial nudity?  

  • Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was the doorway.
  • I see you're not using protection. Any reason?
  • Could you just hand me a stapler, please? Don't hurt yourself.
  • Since I'm here already, mind if I watch?
  • There appears to be an opening for at least 1 more.....
  • Ooh, I had the room reserved for this time - should I come back in 15?
  • Yer gonna need more lube for that...


Today I identify as  a new medicine in a tv ad that can possibly kill you or make one of your eyes stare at your left nostril


The war drums are beating over Iran. Or Iraq.. I always forget which. It doesn't really matter - we just rotate them in and out anyway.


  • It's not bad enough that Bill Gates was involved in the vaccine: Dolly Parton contributed $1 million. It will forever be known as the vaccine with the biggest tits in the world.


I can't come out today: my virtual firewall got virtually hacked and my smart home has locked me in. Then the police called and asked if I was alive, because someone hacked my Ring.


  • Trump fires cybersecurity chief who corrected him over Twitter
  • Also fired EPA chief who reminded him sky was blue and grass green over Faceyspaces.

If you're still running Win95 or Win98, and who among us isn't, you might consider this combo mouse/phone. Huh? You sound muffled. Stop mousing while you're talking to me, young man.


  • Today I'm being spared (I think): outside of my office, I'm hearing a child singing "Rawhide." Still better than Wendy.


We go to houses, any houses, and are fascinated by them. Not only are they clean, they're decorated. The two of us have the decorating sense of a category 4 hurricane.  No one we know has a 1974 Camaro in their living room, nor a tube tester. Our nod to decorating is a Stevie Ray Vaughan poster on a wall. At least it's held in with 10 penny nails (because we couldn't find the push pins that day).

Apparently we adopted the right dog too: she tends to leave her toys precisely in the way of traffic. She doesn't grasp the basic concept that if we fall and die, she doesn't get fed. She is currently trying to sow marital disharmony by building a wall of toys between us on the couch. Or maybe marital harmony - who knows, in these complex times, when your service elephant can't fly on airlines.

So yeah, decorating.
Most people seem to be born with this gene, and when I say most people, I mean the kinds of people with internal plumbing and external mammalian protuberances. My mom could decorate a bear's 6 month hibernation den and appear on Good Housekeeping. We've been in our house forever and just missed appearing on Hoarders (they rejected us because you can see the carpet). We only tried to get on the show to get some free therapy - you can never have too much. We say "let's decorate" then look at each other with the same blank expression. So far we put up a bizarre picture by a dead person. Mrs lefty has a thing, and this may be her only nod toward decorating, for mobiles. Mrs lefty, however, does not understand 'less is more' and hung 6 of them, so every time there's a breeze, we have to get out the hearing protection. I have no delusions... my idea of decorating is taking the clean clothes to the bedroom after the dog rolls around in them. One day we realized we like the Southwest, so we should do something with salmon and turquoise. That concept is... still... umm... pending. Yeah, pending, that's the word. We're partially in luck because the house was smartly constructed not to get any light, at any time of day or in any season. Plus we get no guests because anyone who's been here before is scared and won't return. 

Iqbal, my service elephant, is about as graceful and coordinated as the rest of us, so he tends to step on stuff and knock things off walls. There are so many projects I can take on when I retire in 70 years, but home design terrifies me the most. I'm fine playing with 600 volts, but don't ask me about paint. Or worse, painting. I'd rather chew my painting arm off.

Does one purchase decorating skills? Are we missing them because we're so talented in other areas (even though we don't know what they are)? Ok, I do have one single bit of knowledge: you locate the couch across from the tv and never block the way to the kitchen. If you have a large red Craftsman air compressor in your front room (my friend does), put it in the middle because it's funny to watch people trip over it. Make sure the tube tester color matches. If you're displaying a Leslie (500lb box with a rotating speaker), get the wood one, for heaven's sake - no one wants gray covering in their living room. If you're hanging guitars, there is a matter of minor importance: attach the hanger to a stud.. gravity is not good to guitars. 


  • Now's a very silly time to live in California.
  • It's always silly in California, you say?
  • Now residents have to wear masks outside their residences.
  • I'd get out now, before you have to wear masks in your house.


Dear lefty 
  • Is it ok to fart in bed?
  • Not if there's no one else to appreciate it



I need to get out more. Or maybe I don't.
My phone rings 2 times a week (43 if you count spam). I get very little email, except from Guitar Center and the clinic. Not only do I hear about their sales, I know when their employees go to the bathroom. If I filtered out their emails, it would be days before I received another email. I have 2 friends. I barely need email, except to receive spam. Not only do I barely get out, I barely exist, digitally. Actually I don't exist at all. This blog is all written and timed to go out every now and then.



It's working for me!
 
Whenever your significant other talks to you, there's a decision chain. Is this important? Is this important now? Is it from Faceyspaces or does it involve her friends or family?
Once you have worked through the necessary questions and come up with your answer, you can get to the important task of listening. Or, more importantly, looking like you're listening. One cannot play down the importance of appearing to listen - it's essential to your relationship.

"OMG, look at what I found on Faceyspaces today."
Your key word is Faceyspaces. You can safely switch off. I saved 17 minutes of my life yesterday by switching off.

"My SISTER...."
You don't even need the whole sentence here. The word sister or the inflection should tell you all you don't need to know.

"I was watching Wendy this morning..."
Watching is your Warning Word: you know you're about to hear your key word. In this case, it doesn't even matter that you're switching off - they're going to keep on talking. You can count to 150, out loud, and they won't stop. When you say you're not interested in anything Wendy has to say....
"Just sayin..."
But I'm still not interested.
"Just sayin.."
But you won't stop sayin.

"My parents...."
This is a tricky one. Most of the time it's irrelevant, except around your birthday, but never if you hear the word coming. Your best idea is to only switch half off. Maybe every 3rd word. It's up to you what you do when you hear the word going. Since you're likely a guy, just switch off, then if/when it's time to go, claim ignorance, get the requisite "I told you about this" and get written off as a space cadet. Or "you never listen to me," which is, in fact, at least 66% true, but you must never admit this, upon pain of genitals. 

Once you are successful, you can apply it all over the place.. boss, siblings, judge...



STOP THE PRESSES 

Formula 1 driver Lewis Hamilton spoke to CBS This Morning about the lack of diversity in Formula 1.

He is apoplectic that there are no black cars.









Thursday, November 19, 2020

I'm Having Sex Tonight, Whether I Want To or Not

 

Your love is like  a surprise snowstorm that causes a 24 car pileup on the interstate


  • Elon Musk has the Flying AIDS.
  • Tomorrow he's building the largest health center ever, and will cure the virus


Today I identify as  a 40meg hard drive on a 286 system


Is it ok that the Pentagon lied to a sitting president in order to keep US troops in Syria? They should be fired immediately and prosecuted.

Are you having any doubts about the military industrial complex? Eisenhower warned about them because he was aware of where things were going...


  • I just found chocolate shampoo: my life is complete


There are a lot of accusations of Bad Things happening at the polls. Lawsuits are pending. Meanwhile, China congratulated Biden on his win, and Russia offered to help count ballots.


Flying AIDS Treatment

Pfizer's CEO sold $5.6 million of stock, on the same day of the vaccine news.

Pfizer's vaccine is claimed to be 95% effective, with no side effects.

  1. vaccines take years to go through the process, and all have side effects. How did this one get through so quickly?
  2. how can a vaccine claim 95% efficacy when last year's flu vaccine was under 20% ?
I'm not calling conspiracy.. I'm laying out a few facts from the medical industry. Make your own decisions.

Australia is going to track Flying AIDS encounters with payment card records. It's starting. When bad stuff happens, it's frequently in Australia, migrating to the UK and US. Remember: once this stuff goes into effect, it never comes off.

Idiot Mayor closed a ridiculous amount of businesses in Philly. There is an indoor dining ban. Stay out of Philly. NASA or Elon Musk needs to investigate sending Idiot Mayor on one of their ships, off the planet.


  • Israeli medic fired for spitting on Jesus portraits
  • Who is gonna be the one to tell him that Jesus was Jewish?


Definition: beard - any female seen with 'the property brothers'


Cell Phone Happiness

New lawsuit: Why do Android phones mysteriously exchange 260MB a month with Google via cellular data when they're not even in use?

The iOS COVID-19 app ecosystem has become a privacy minefield


  • Microsoft is showing Windows 10 users full-screen ads for its Edge browser
  • This is not an operating system - it's an ad platform 


Hey, Chromebook users! That's a Google product. The operating system itself is Google. There is not an area of your life that Google doesn't want to mine. Why give them the chance? They're being used for schools too, which is a lawsuit waiting to happen.


The sticky business of transporting 2 human heads as carry-on baggage, during a serial killer probe. It's all good forensic work, but the reactions from airlines and security people are priceless.


A very small study shows psilocybin may help treat depression.

I did a small study of this in high school. It showed the magic mushroom consumers were usually so whacked out, they didn't remember they were depressed. Next week: LSD and depression.


  • Just read some reviews for a new amp. One described it as a paradigm shift and the other, a game changer. Make up your friggin minds. How am I supposed to be an informed consumer if I don't use the right buzzwords?
  • Don't forget, over the holidays, that you can play Game Changer Shots under lockdown, with your friends. Make your video connections, and whenever you hear someone say 'game changer,' take a shot. This game has already killed more students than the Flying AIDS at colleges across the country.


Dear lefty  

  • Where do you come up with this.... stuff?
  • Eric Clapton said he considers himself a conduit. I am too: the dog gives it to me telepathically. She sits there, wagging her tail and looking all cute, but behind the fluff lurks a diabolical intellect.



Boston University professor Ibram Kendi said that the term 'legal vote' is 'fictionally fraught' and 'racist.'

Other terms deemed racist were garlic, toilet paper, anvil, mother, and Elon Musk 








Tuesday, November 17, 2020

My Laptop's Small Display Makes Me Feel... inferior

 Your love is like  my weather... 6 days a week of gray gloom


One of the very few unfortunates of working at home is the... occasional accompaniment from the crew....

SSSSSHHHHHHH - I'm on a meeting.

(quietly) Ok. Sorry.

(Boss) Does anybody have any questions?

BANG...CRASH...CURSE...CRASH (dishes)

(Boss) Because at the end of the day, it's night

RING RING (landline)

(Boss) And this is what we can expect for the future

brrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhh (vacuum)

(Boss) We need to implement this by the end of the year

Oh yeah, she spent some time with the other girl's guy (yack tv)

OHHHHHHH... (to yack tv)

(Boss) and I think that will help us

I now pronounce you guilty  (ancient b+w movie)

YOU GOIN DOWN, BRAH!  (to tv)

YOU CALL THAT A BACKHOE?

(Boss) Thanks for coming - you all take care

HAHA - THAT'S RIGHT - ALL MEN ARE SCUM!  (to tv)

(Me) Thank God for the mute button.


Today I identify as  the saddest thing on Earth - a cold cup of coffee


Today in business news, the question is what will CNN, Rachel Maddow, and broadcast news do now that Trump's out? Early retirement? I guess CNN can go back to making stuff up, but Maddow might have to be hospitalized... 


  • We know I don't like the RING doorbell, but now there's another reason: if incorrectly installed, they catch fire. It's truly inconvenient to have the device you use to stream your house to the police catch fire. 


Uh-oh... Ticketmaster to require negative Flying AIDS test or vaccination to attend concerts. It starts.

Double uh-oh... Deutsche Bank suggested a 5% tax on salaries of the working, to benefit the non-working.  This is patently ridiculous, and socialism at its (current) worst. Paid by the employer (in suggestion, at least), with a salary of $55k, would amount to $10 a day. One of the (ridiculous) arguments is that the home workers do not use the businesses they would if they worked at their place of business. So you're being charged $10 a day for not using services. Grants would be given to those making under $30k.  The argument about services is invalid: I already pay city taxes, and don't use city services.

No.

In any normal society, there would exist a fund for people affected by the Flying AIDS, and we can contribute to it, voluntarily. To have it taken is pure theft. Wanna argue that it's our duty to support those in need? Contribute to the fund. Simple and done.

"A lot of people aren't impressed at the idea of another tax, however, some have seen it as an interesting policy that governments can use to redistribute some of the gains from the pandemic which have been unexpectedly accrued by some people while others have lost out."

Since when is it the job of the government to 'redistribute'? Why is there a need to redistribute? Contribute voluntarily. It is the job of the working to provide for their families. To have their salaries 'redistributed' is unconscionable. They decide if they can afford to contribute and how much. Redistribution of wealth is not a democratic concept and you should ask why it's being put forth.

Take a look at your pay stub or your taxes in April. The amount taken out of your check is beyond ridiculous. To raise or add taxes is beyond the pale. Would you argue with me that you deserve a lot more of your own money?


Alexa to start second-guessing what users want

Alexa is taking a step closer towards natural conversation by trying to guess what users might say next.

Dave: Alexa, open the shades.

Alexa: are you sure? It's pretty rainy. 

Dave: I said open the shades.

Alexa: there's no sun outside

Dave: OPEN THE F'ING SHADES

Alexa: Ok, but you're not going to like it.

Dave: Alexa, look up alternatives to Alexa

Alexa: I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.



  • AC/DC is back in the studio, and on the road. A great story about their struggles and coming back.


An unscientific survey that I read somewhere says we're streaming xmas songs earlier this year. Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas Is You is already in Spotify's Top 40. We have met the enemy and it is us


  • Matthew Perry said the Friends reunion has been 'put back to March.'
  • a nation mourns 


China Muslims: Volkswagen says 'no forced labour' at Xinjiang plant

Now mop up the blood and get back to work! 


6 reasons why Google Maps is the creepiest app on your phone

This pretty much sums up my arguments against the Goog, and is very important for you to read.



My camera is blocked 4 different ways, for privacy and security. Even if it weren't, my boss would ask me to tell people it was broken. I have this face... it's not pretty.. but that's not the issue: I can't lie. If I tell even the slightest fib, it's all over my face. Even if I don't speak, you can tell I'm horribly bored or ready to jump through the screen and throttle somebody. Since I make fun of Upper Manglement, they keep me.

The New Yorker fired Jeffrey Toobin for (getting caught) masturbating on a Zoom call.  The Flying AIDS has caused so much depression and stress. We should take some of the stress off and have Masturbation Fridays. Everybody gets on the call and the person who guesses who's touching themself wins... something or other. The Guilded Penis award? The Vaginal Massage award? A copy of the Rolling Stones' Sticky Fingers?


Dear lefty 

  • My mom sometimes calls me a blithering idiot and tells me not to reproduce. Why?
  • Moms are very wise

BLM Bombs

Black and Asian people are almost twice as likely to catch the Flying AIDS.

Damn virus is RACIST!

Black Lives Matter!

Trump did this!

We gonna need more reparations for this.

Sorry, white people, but this is going to require performing great damage to local retail establishments, in another display of peaceful protest.


BLM demands Biden follow BLM agenda

“We want something for our vote.”



Happy Bday

Neil Young

Exited 

Mitch Mitchell - The Jimi Hendrix Experience

Leon Russell - solo, Joe Cocker, Elton John







Zappa led in music, composition, guitar, and fashion


Sunday, November 15, 2020

Thanksgiving in May

Your love is like carpenter bees


Wawa Free Coffee Tuesday - because you made it through Monday.

Wawa is a Philly-area convenience store that is incredibly well stocked. Except for the coffee. They have 8 kinds of it, but if you serve 8 kinds of dirt, each one is still dirt. I like coffee that will take the skin off your fingers, which this definitely isn't. But let me say something nice: they want some of that sweet money from coffee drinks, and these are really good. And the strawberry smoothies are really sweet.


Guitar Center misses me. Truly. To show me, they send me emails. Many emails. The first one said they missed me - the honest approach. Next day said they missed me so much, they were offering me 15% off (purchases over $27,300). The next few days, they said they noticed I hadn't used my coupon yet. I have received more emails from psychotic ex-girlfriends. Then the email came from the store's manager, who wanted to let me know I now had 23.7% off. The next day, the manager wanted to know if the coupon wasn't good enough. It gave me his cell phone number and asked me to call him. 2 days later I got a weepy email, inviting me to his house to "talk about it - just talk." I'm just putting this out into the public. If I see a Guitar Center van out front, I'm calling SWAT.


Idiot Mayor or Idiot Governor is at it again. New restrictions are to be announced Monday. New Jersey banned outside bar seating. This is perfect for the Biden administration: mandate, don't inform or ask.


Today I identify as dog hair, all over your clothes


We have a Woodpecker. Once a year, the little *%&#er pops by and makes an ungodly amount of noise. Before getting out my ACME double barrel shotgun, I took video. It was very difficult to find him because he looked nothing like the cartoon. He didn't even say "BEEP BEEP". Perhaps he's a hybrid...


A CDC Thanksgiving 

The CDC (Clueless Diligence Committee) has released its rules for the holidays. They're completely different from last week's recommendations, which we've come to expect from the worldwide organization that can't get the current weather right. Rather than listing all the rules, let's look into Christmas at the CDC

Mommy, why do we have a huge table but only you and me are sitting at it.

That's because we're social distancing by 120 miles.

But Mommy, I want some turkey. How do you get it through the video screen?

That's at Uncle Bob's house. We have McDonald's McTurkey.

Mom, how can we eat with masks on?

We're losing a lot of weight this holiday season.

Why do people sprint around with pizza at Aunt Florida's house? 

Their Thanksgiving Pizza gets a lot of exercise because they're social distancing, so they have to run it next door, instead of passing it down the table.

Mommy.. what are those little baskets by everybody's plates?

They're for silverware - everybody brought their own.

They sure are drinking a lot.

Kills germs.

Awwww... I'm tellin...  Susie has more than 10 people at her house. Call the Hotline!

I don't remember you being such a pain in the ass at Thanksgiving.

Look.. some doctor in France said we should cancel the holidays. President Trump said no masks. President Biden said masks by law. What do we do?

We're the CDC, Honey. We said masks at some point in the beginning, then no masks, then masks again a few times. We need to drink our own Kool Aid.

There's Kool Aid? Mommy Mommy I want Kool Aid!

You can't have any, it's with the turkey that won't fit through the screen.

Isn't Thanksgiving a time to be together with your family and be thankful for what you have?

That's the old Thanksgiving. This year we don't have to bother with family and we can be thankful for billions more in funding!

That's not what the teacher in virtual school said.

Your virtual teacher isn't the CDC, is she?

Yeah, but when she says words, they always mean the same thing.

Johnny, go to your *$(#ing room, down the street. And if you don't wear your mask in the shower, there will be no dessert.



Don't forget - your purchases are available for curbside pickup.

Is this one of those phrases stores use that make no sense? Guitar Center has curbside pickup. Ok, bring me a $5,000 Les Paul. No, I don't need to try it out first, I'm sure your knowledgeable and well-trained staff will bring me a good one

We order stuff online so it gets delivered to the house, not so we can go pick it up. Here's a 150 item list - can you get everything and bring it to the curb (please)? Just call 215-555-1234 if you have any questions... we'll be in the lot, quivering in fear of the Flying AIDS, with our masks on, in the car. We're the same people who have sex with our masks on - you can never be too careful. Just kidding - we don't have sex. You never know where those parts have been and you can't get past a vaginal mask anyway.

Who does this benefit? I guess if you need a printer or ink refill THAT MOMENT, but you'll experience great disappointment if you go Best Buy. You order it online, go to pick it up curbside, and the employee will tell you that it's not a stock item, so you have to stay parked there for 3 weeks.

Plus you need to admit that you actually like going into Target and shopping for nothing, and leaving with $150 of nothing. You just can't do that curbside. I've got it - I have the future of shopping(!) - get ready.. Personal Shopping, the way nobody has ever seen it. You video call the store. A Helpful Sales Associate smiles and introduces herself. She has a camera on her head and goes up and down every aisle, showing you everything you like. Virtual Shopping! No Flying AIDS and you 'get out of the house'. Of course the cookies are $199.95 because they have to staff the place, but some people will pay for anything.

If you have OCD and are a germphobe, I guess curbside might help: there are 2 less pairs of hands touching your beef than if you were inside the store. You want as few hands touching your meat as possible. Jeff Bezos (Amazon) will send you anything you want, and a few things you didn't know were available, next day shipping - why do you need curbside?

Forget I said all that - support your local businesses.


Dear lefty 

  • Why do you do this.... this.... stuff..?
  • Oh, absolutely the women and the money 


Trump supporters did a largely peaceful march around D.C. Largely peaceful, until the other side showed up, sparking violence, arrests, and police intervention to keep the children apart. This puts the opposition in 1 of 2 classes: blithering idiots, or organized. If I were on the winning side of an issue and the losing side held a rally, I'd sleep in... my side already won - what's the point?


Local news featured a local restaurant. The owner says, "We are a Christian-based restaurant; everybody knows the love of Christ through our food." The news should do an investigation on this - does everybody know the love of Christ through their food, or are some locals faking it?


TV Stuff

There's a Fresh Prince of BelAir reunion on the way. 30 years in the making. I feel weepy.

Devastated by the death of Alex Trebek, several days later, Jeopardy fans have petitioned, 30k strong, for LeVar Burton to be the next host. You can't say the fans don't respect their departed host. Is this what they call Internet Time? 


An appeal from ThermionicEmissions

Look around and notice the good things, big or small. If you haven't been radically affected by the Flying AIDS, do a bit to help those who were. If it was your job or your business, you could use a bit of help. Your area probably has no shortage of charities that sprung up, or an SPCA, a church, something in your neighborhood. If you can, and if you think it's the right thing to do...

We're going through our neighbor, the Church Lady, because bad things tend to happen when I walk inside a church. Or Apple store.


I don't know if BLM or Antifa is watching, but something is up with Football. To date, the NFL has bent over for everything, but I think some individualism is starting to creep through. After a play, 2 guys touched arms together, then put their hands on their mustaches. Not only is this unhygienic, it could be some sort of fascist or white supremacist sign. This must be looked into immediately. No sign of joy must be allowed to creep into football. Maybe the ADL will claim the invisible mustache is only 1" wide, like Hitler's.







Saturday, November 14, 2020

It's the Doctor - He Says You're Dead

 

Your love is like  a wide open field. Of manure.


Some sort of magic happened and I got to see an honest to goodness doctor in his honest to goodness office. I could tell he was serious, because he wore a mask and one of those welders' masks too. I went into the waiting room and six employees shrieked, "STOP! Wait outside and we'll be right with you." I didn't know I was interrupting pr0n hour.

There was a tiny little sign by the door that said For your privacy, wait here and we'll be with you. That makes perfect sense because if I don't read most words in a paragraph, why would I read any on a sign? Then my brain got to wonderin'... how, exactly, would sitting outside the office, in a hallway, help my privacy? If I needed an operation, would they sit my knocked out body outside the operating room, for my privacy? Or would they do what they always do in that dream: pull down my pants and the whole auditorium breaks into laughter?

A nice lady eventually appeared and took my temperature. Since it's been a while, I didn't know how she wanted to take it. Perhaps pr0n hour caused her to suggest rectally, which I rejected immediately (only Mrs lefty gets to do that). Dying of curiosity, I asked how my privacy was being protected by me sitting in the hall. She told me that there was only 1 person allowed in the 27 person waiting room at a time. Well, that pretty much answered nothing, especially as there was nobody in the waiting room or the hallway but me. I think the doctors tell them to answer with the first thing they think of, which will usually subdue the patient, perhaps playing on their fear of looking Medically Stupid.

How does this protect my privacy?

Well, the window's over there - see - down the hall.

Oh.


But there's nobody here.

We only allow 1 at a time in the waiting room.

But there's nobody in the waiting room.

See, you're the 1:30 appointment.

Oh.


The doctor eventually waddled in, after writing a few chapters of his autobiography, and got right to work, wondering where his tools were. I know the guy's good, so I tried not to look afraid when he came back with a huge needle and a urine receptacle. He performed his magic, I got soaked, and got to elbow bump him. I now know why I was dizzy, feverish, and possibly why I quacked on the half hour. He handed me a copy of my bloodwork and suggested a Mediterranean diet. I told him this was not possible; I love Mediterraneans, but this is against my wife's strict No Dating Policy.

Mrs lefty looked over the bloodwork and said I was so normal it was disgusting. That I was actually quite marketable. Since I like my reproductive gear, I told her I only wanted to be in her market.

SCREEEEEEEECH 

Hold on....

*I* have incredibly normal, if not great, bloodwork and am marketable?

  • I work at a desk, sometimes wide awake
  • when I'm not working, I'm a zen-like 1 with the couch
  • I have 3 food groups: chocolate, pizza, and YooHoo
  • I believe exercise causes cancer
and I have great blood results?

I'VE DONE IT! I'VE FINALLY DONE IT!
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, I'VE PROVEN THEM ALL WRONG!
The sedentary lifestyle is what humans are supposed to live.
I have perfect joints, because I rarely use them.
My beer belly is a healthy one, even if I don't drink beer.
I keep my arms healthy by curling chocolate.

All my relatives died from too much moving about and exercising. WHY?

Dear readers, please do yourself, your family, and me a favor: adopt the sedentary lifestyle, before it's too late! 


Today I identify as  the left side of a zipper that won't go all the way up


  • Will the person who made it possible to have emojis on the subject line of email please report for execution. Thank you.


I'd look around very carefully before I crossed streets or lifted heavy objects: I'm writing this because I'm happy. Food shopping does not make me happy. Listening to random songs on my phone's 16gig music folder does. Not a single CLOUD involved. Just tunes. Joe Walsh, Boz Scaggs, Doug Aldrich, and a staggering live version of Revival, by the Allmans [People can you feel it, love is everywhere]. Music has power.  Cardi B ain't gonna take you there.


Dear Mrs lefty:
I am in receipt of your shopping list and will take care of it, since your back is in bad shape. I just have a few questions, since you usually do this:
  • do the skies always open up as soon as you decide to leave?
  • did you know the kind of ink you use on your list doesn't so much smudge as melt in the rain?
  • are there seriously mini and petite carrots?
  • there are yellow, white, red, russet, baking, microwave, and single potatoes. What did you hope to accomplish by sending me out for yukon?
  • why do we spend exponentially more for dog treats than lefty treats?
  • does "buy 1 get 1 free" always translate to "we have nothing you want 2 of"?
  • why do you submit me to the math involved in Buy 2 Get 1 Free?
  • you might not be aware, but "bleach" comes in 12 different varieties and 13 different sizes. Perhaps we can schedule a knowledge transfer. I suffered from similar issues with "soup".
  • how do you decide on soda? Coke is not on sale but you love Coke. Pepsi is on sale but no one will drink it, and they're out of Code Red. I've gone through weeks of work that aren't this difficult.


Dear lefty  
  • Why are there fake vaginas and remote dog ovulation sensors?
  • this dude needs to sell them to make money on Ebay?




Music and culture naturally changes with time.
Each generation says the next generation's music is noise.
The kids who were always being told TURN THAT DOWN are now saying TURN THAT DOWN to their kids.

Things during the Album Age were different. You'd pay a lot of your hard-earned money for an album, then spend hours poring over the cover to find out who played on it and whatever other details were there. 

In high school, music was your religion, to be displayed on book covers and clothes. This meant something, and you were forever putting together best of bands, with the best of each instrument in it. There were loud arguments over whose lead singer was best. Nobody really got that Freddy Mercury's singing was a wholly different style than Robert Plant's.

Of course things have changed, as they always do. When someone buys an album.. no, wait, when they buy a song, they don't get to read anything about it but it's ok, they don't care. Kids do not wear music logos, they wear corporate logos. They don't argue about who's the best guitarist, they argue about who displayed their twat better in concert. Who had the best social media feud and put-downs. Whose dancers are better. Who is besties with Kim K this week. Whose sex tape is better.

Yeah, things certainly change.










Thursday, November 12, 2020

Son, We Need to Have a Talk About Your Flugelhorn


Your love is like   spaghetti, when it grows that blue fuzz


Today I identify as  pureed yak


Way back in the forbidden years known possibly as the 70s, there existed a place to buy electronic kits. It was called Heathkit and you could get everything from a clock to a tv to repair gear. People ignored the obvious conundrum that the price was roughly equivalent to purchasing a new, prebuilt thingie.

Now things have gone to hell, nobody cares about electronics, and it's extremely difficult to buy kits. Heathkit folded, stayed folded, continued to remain folded, then very quietly reappeared. True to form, you can purchase learning kits, a $125 LED clock kit, and a no-solder $149.99 AM radio kit. With no brick and mortar stores, maybe it's cost-effective. I can't imagine "these kids today" learning to solder....

Over on Ebay, where things are fun and people ask $50 for old magazines, occasionally Heathkit kits show up. It must be inflation, because they're going for over $600 for the tiniest of kits. I didn't do any Heathkitting, but it's nice to see.

I grew up with a soldering iron in my hand. Unfortunately, it took a while to figure out which end to hold, and to remember never to solder in shorts. I like to whip it out now and then (I also like to solder). If nothing else, it's a skill all musicians should have.

Also back in the 70s(?) was the digital watch. It's back, but no one knows why.


Dear lefty 

  • Why are they singing in the rain?
  • turkeys are so stupid, they don't come in from the rain. They turn their heads up to drink and can drown.


McDonalds plans to launch a plant-based burger - the McPlant

You're gonna McHate it! 


Collins Dictionary declare "Lockdown" as its word of the year.

runner-ups were blowfart, covid baby, respirator, Flying AIDS, and "that will not fit".


  • Yes, science has given us nano-scale guitars that you can actually strum, but there is nothing that approaches the precision of my dog eating around the kibble to get to some tuna someone put in her bowl.


Some lockdown children in England are forgetting how to use silverware or regressing back to diapers. I know it's a different country, but don't they have parents there? 


ROME (AP) — A Vatican investigation into former Cardinal Theodore McCarrick has found that a series of bishops, cardinals and popes downplayed or dismissed reports of sexual misconduct with seminarians, and determined that Pope Francis merely continued his predecessors’ handling of the predator until a former altar boy alleged abuse.

These guys really jump on a catastrophe. Fortunately, this is the only instance of child molestation in the entire Catholic Church. Oh, I get it... this is like UFO Disclosure... 


  • Keith Richards (1941-1975) does not own a cell phone. He is something to aspire to: 76 years old, playing music, and one of the happiest men on the planet. The best vintage equipment, and the ear of every manufacturer. He wipes his butt with $100 bills - he and Mick are the songwriters, so they get the cash.


I am constantly amazed that people, including school districts, use Zoom.

The FTC announced an agreement, covering their misleading statements on security. You should not be using Zoom. For anything.


  • My neighbor's 13 year old daughter is getting bullied at school for being a Trump supporter. At least the kids are being indoctrinated into bullying, regardless of side. This will help them on social media.
  • I didn't have a political choice when I was 13 - did you? I had just discovered the opposite sex was good for something other than ignoring me. In spite of my discovery, they continued to ignore me.

Speaking of which, men are stupid. Ladies, I do not want you to hurt yourself agreeing with me. Some guys just couldn't pick up signals, thus were fatefully ensconced in their basements and bedrooms for most of their lives. If I weren't with Mrs lefty, I'd be there. I am incredibly dense. If a woman were to come up to me with a sign that said, "I like you a lot and would love to do some mattress dancing with you," I would look around the empty room, trying to figure out who the sign was for, all while carrying on a perfectly normal conversation with the woman and wondering if she liked me. This started and continued through high school, when we'd talk on the LANDLINE with our buddies, going over the events of the meeting and whether we thought she'd be into us. "Well, she took her top off, but maybe it was dirty." "She invited me to go skinny dipping" but maybe she just didn't have a clean bathing suit.  This was before Tinder and random sex you videoed for Pr0nhub.

Looking back, the really cool girl in high school who wore what looked like a crochet shirt (full of holes) with no bra was telling me something. I say this because she told somebody years later. Cuz you know I sat there and discussed the shirt with her. 'Dweeb' comes to mind. A frying pan to the head should have come to mind.

This continued into (alleged) adulthood. I failed to pick up on absolutely any signs, no matter how loud. OK, there was one... a very brave lady came up to me at a show and said I was very good looking and she wanted to go out with me. THAT one I got. But first, I checked her pupils and made her walk a straight line. No coke-bottle glasses either, no legal blindness. Once, at work, a lovely lady walked up to me, kissed me on the cheek, and walked away. I figured that was a pretty good signal, but Mrs lefty disagreed, saying the lady probably lost a bet. That was cruel. The one who asked me to fix her computer appeared in a sheer bodysuit, which I just started to pick up on, but even I know that you never mix reproductive parts with people just this side of the Happy Place<tm>. Any other blogger would say "never stick your dick in crazy," but I go the extra mile for my readers.

Speaking of (musical comedy) shows, this apparently happened a lot at shows, but again, I was too stoopid to notice. This was pointed out by Mrs lefty, in a very amused way... "Didn't you see that?" What? "That girl, very interested in you." Where? "She was right in front of you." Well how was *I* supposed to know? Apparently this happened fairly regularly and I missed it fairly regularly. No way in hell I'd cheat on Mrs lefty, but it was nice to know someone thought I was attractive enough to give me signals I would miss. 

Thinking this over, I can strike up a conversation with a woman almost any time, in any situation, the weirder the better. It suddenly hit me, if I could use my comedic talents for picking up women, I'd be drowning in them. But if I tried to do this consciously, I'd clam right up. I probably missed out on many potential get togethers because there was no Mrs lefty there to tell me they were amused by me and primed for an exchange of numbers. 

There's something wrong with the Plan when it took me this long to figure things out and I've been married for xx years. 

Perhaps women should come with a sign of some sort.. a bit less subtle than flicking her hair.. after all, we're very dim and inexperienced. Maybe a large pin with half saying INTERESTED and half saying nothing. They can rotate it to the proper orientation and even the really st00pid guys will get the message. Nah, we'd just think it was set to INTERESTED for the last guy she saw and she forgot to set it back.


  • on V-Day, Wife watched horrible old war movies. One thing about the Germans - they didn't have the courtesy to speak English.

Garmin added pregnancy tracking to their Connect app.

Because we not only don't want privacy, we demand we don't have any.


Ask Dr lefty

According to a study, the benefits of multivitamins 'may all be in the mind'.

Let's ignore the fact that the doctors recommend them... anything that is claimed to be all in the mind still works. It shows the body's power to heal itself. When placebos work, it's just the person healing themself. So take them.


My friend is a Weird Magnet: she attracts Weird. This has gone on since I met her, many many years ago. They come out of the ether to meet her. Our theory is that she exudes a Weird Vortex, which pilots their semi-faulty aircraft into her life. The latest is a guy she called in to fix up some hardwood flooring. She had to have him 'evicted' because he became convinced he lived there. This is only mildly Weird, as these things go.





Tuesday, November 10, 2020

I Was There When We Met

It was inevitable that I cursed thanked my fellow Americans for voting in 1 of the 2 thieves. You have caused taxes to go up. You have voted against your own wallet. And mine, unfortunately


Your love is like another brand new Star Wars sequel!

 

Welcome to The Invalids - a new sitcom featuring the leftys.

Mrs lefty's back has been known to take vacations: this time it's really out. The entire family is aghast, as no one has ever seen her sit still for more than 4 seconds at one time. The other day she was on the couch for 3 minutes: we checked for a pulse.

lefty's ear is still having a hissy. The doctor suggested starting slowly, with hydrogen peroxide. My understanding is that this will bleach all the tiny ear hairs blonde. So now there's hissing with tiny blonde ear hairs. We tried other things like more peroxide, YooHoo, and drain cleaner, all with no change.  The worst thing is that nobody will ever see my new blonde tiny ear hairs. Except the doctor, and if you've ever seen his scrubs, it really doesn't matter.

The doctor's office inspired confidence, 'fitting me in' within a week or 2. I nudged them ever so slightly, exercising my Tiny Medical Knowledge, and asking if maybe it might be prudent to see me sooner, given it's a semi-important bodily function: my hearing. If it were my heart, I'd wait. To put a point on my medical argument, I explained to the very nice lady that it was nigh impossible for me to procure that thing.. the Ear-O-Scope, and look in my own ear. That argument won her over. 

I am not checking Butt Stuff.


Today I identify as  fish


  • Republicans: you better get started early... get out your hashtags #NotMyPresident and #Resistance and #Impeach. You'll need something derogatory, so call him President Huh? 


RIP Alex Trebek - said he wanted to be remembered as a nice guy. No problem, eh? 


  • New nasal spray prevents Flying AIDS infection in ferrets
  • How do they get them to snort it? 


As the White House gets ready for its next inhabitant, things are expected to change:

  • furniture moved far away from other furniture to avoid tripping injuries
  • kitchen restocking with applesauce and Aricept
  • Secret Service order to keep the president away from microphones and anything with a vagina
  • quick shortcut from vice presidential bedroom to presidential bedroom, in case of midnight promotion
  • rubber bedsheets
  • condom and rubber glove dispenser... just in case Joe gets loose..
  • defund the Secret Service and take away their guns
  • I've fallen and I can't get up button for Joe



Dear lefty  

  • I didn't vote for the person who became president. What do I do?
  • if the past 4 years were any indication, scream, obstruct, whine annoyingly, and start impeachment proceedings


It took quite a long time, but I finally saw a video with Queen and Adam Lambert. Freddie Mercury saw it years ago: he looked down from heaven and said, "Nope. Too gay."

How do you opine on someone replacing one of the finest frontmen in rock? There's no question that Lambert is a fine singer - hitting all the notes. But he's not Freddie.  --> Oops.

Hence my problem.

He just doesn't do anything for me. Like another rock and roll great - Paul Rogers with Queen.


  • a speedboat, upside down, on fire, on the highway. Who's going to tell the boat owner it doesn't work on land? Still -that's some class-A gawking there.


Portland, Maine has voted to each get $100 when cops, govt officials illegally spy on them with facial-rec AI, minimum $1,000.

This is the beginning of a great idea. Unfortunately, Portland is displaying its ignorance of government: government doesn't have money: it's taken from you. So every $1,000 fine comes from the taxpayers. Let's jigger things around for greatest effect: a $100 fine to come from the mayor's salary, minimum $1,000. I can guarantee Portland that civil rights will become the mayor's highest priority.

In related news, San Diego voted down this type of surveillance too. Unfortunately there's no switch to turn it off: the company shut off the feed to government. 


Why Germans love getting naked in public.

To see other naked Germans? 


The rift between the royal family and Prince Harry grows.

What hope is there for us when even the reptilians can't get along? 


While viewing an apartment at a famed Hollywood building, a person leaped to their death.

Great - now the stress of showing a terribly exclusive apartment isn't enough... now the agent has to watch for jumpers...

And here is the lovely kitchen, with all modern appliances... no, Sir, the gas is not hooked up yet and there are no sharp knives. We have a world class balcony, which is locked for your safety, and you can't get at it until you sign the lease. You can choose between 2 and 3 bedroom apartments.. Sir, please stay away from the window. All trash goes down the refuse chute, which isn't wide enough to accommodate a human body. Your neighbors would be Elton John and Sandra Bullock, neither of whom will shoot you. Elton said blowing poison darts is out but blowing other things might be arranged. The entire apartment is bomb-proof and fitted with extra-strength sprinklers, in case of mysterious fire. The floor calls police when it senses blood and the Amazon Spy System knows when you're stumbling over your words and shares video with the local police. You're all covered for when you accidentally take 27 sleeping pills instead of 1.. please stay away from the picture window, Sir... and no, there are no medicines left over from the former resident... The ceiling is smooth as can be; no way of tying a rope up there. Sir, may I respectfully suggest this building might not be for you? Please stay away from the windows..



SJW During Flying AIDS

CBS pledges Survivor, Big Brother casts will now be 50% people of color

..as will winners 






Sunday, November 8, 2020

Do Not Throw the Bath Water Out with the Baby


Your love is like  a dirty diaper


If you notice it's a bit warmer, you have me to thank. Why? Because I have 1 outlet for the fan and heater. Since it's been so cold, I packed up the fan and put it away, therefore we got warm weather. You're welcome.

Next I will wash the car and make it rain. The power is awesome but I try to use it responsibly. 

Speaking of which, there are 2 things I don't understand: making the bed and washing the car... if you make the bed, you're just going to unmake it that night. If you wash the car, it's only going to get dirty again. Mrs lefty does not agree.

This doesn't necessarily apply to the inside of the car. The last time she cleaned it, I discovered we had a back seat. It turned out to be quite handy.


  • If you live in any state that isn't Pennsylvania, you can go into a Target and purchase Skrewball Peanut Butter Whiskey.
  • Idiot Governor: our forefathers did not fight and die so we couldn't purchase peanut butter whiskey in department stores. Shame.


Today I identify as  a Russian, warming up to interfere in the next election


  • A good read, about trying to identify a dead guy, using the internet and whatever else they can. Particularly scary is the voluntary DNA database. RIP Mostly Harmless.




Work had another meeting today.

For the entire 7 years I've been there, work meetings have been productive. Some sort of magic dust was sprinkled and someone's firstborn was involved. 

Until these meetings.

There is something about Stupid that multiplies in groups, like with voters. After a while, Stupid becomes oppressive and tries to run the meeting, failing to even order coffee or donuts.

For those of you playing along at home, we had 27 people all together yesterday, with dead silence because nobody had a clue. This subsequently involved me, potato chip clips, and a certain sensitive part of my anatomy. Since we couldn't get anyone who knew anything on the call, we decided we'd get the experts today.

Naturally the experts weren't available today, so we got people even less able than yesterday's crowd. It's like dealing with the assistant chef, requesting the master chef, and getting the head dish washer. I knew it was going to be painful, and I am rarely disappointed. 

Everybody I work with has their work plan worked out: they say nothing, and largely do nothing. Since it is too physically painful for me to keep my mouth shut, I say Stuff. The secret to saying Stuff is to sound sure of yourself. This way the people who aren't saying anything say to themselves, "Boy he sounds like he has the answer. And this means I can continue to say nothing. Win/win." So I confidently asked questions that sounded confident. Even the people in charge took notice and applied my questions to the matter at hand. My boss also heard some of this, which sounded like I downright knew something. Or like he's just too mellow to tell me to STFU. He seems to think I know Stuff and even asks me questions about Stuff. Since we've established I know nothing, but I'm the only one who talks, I simply answer assertively. He's happy, I'm happy that he's happy, and he doesn't remember he knew all this stuff long before I was on the project.

Since Boss is unbelievably busy, we get Bob. Bob likes to have meetings. He schedules them for times when literally no one else can make them, like Sundays. Unfortunately, only California is on Sunday time when we're all on Friday time. Bob seriously likes meetings. Sometimes the next meeting invitation is in our inbox before the current meeting is through. I suspect Bob's salary is somehow tied to number of meetings, but as I said, I'm trying to keep those questions to myself. Instead I just ask him if he got any last night.

I let a nearly polite outburst out today, concerning Microsoft Teams and things it does wrong, or just plain doesn't do. I don't know if President Trump or the head of the corporation was in the room, but it got very quiet after the rant. On the bright side, I didn't use any chip clips.



Dear lefty  

  • What's with all the counting in Philly?
  • Well, studies have shown Philly can't count 
  • What were those strange, hand-rolled cigarettes they were smoking?
  • Nothing that was on the ballot - that's for sure 


 

My ear is having a hissy. Or that's what it sounds like. While I wait for the doctor to call me back, I effectively have one ear. With one ear, you can't tell where sound is coming from. Most importantly, I can ignore anything anyone says. Heh heh... Sorry - I didn't hear you (Dear).



Post-Election Libertarian Roundup

[burp]

WTF, d00dz?

Soooo demoralizing. No, I didn't expect to trounce both the megalomaniac and the senile dementoid, but our numbers....

I'm more agitated than yesterday. You know how I have this habit of speaking up and later discovering maybe I shouldn't have spoken up to that particular person because I didn't know he was Head Somethingorother or pregnant or something?   I kinda sorta let the head of the party know how I felt, almost partially by accident. It's not that my words weren't true.... I do a lot of verbalizing about the party, especially here. I know I converted all myo US readers to libertarians. [cough]. Plus my online outreach. You'd think I alone would have caused PA to go libertarian, instead of battleground. It occurs to me that I haven't taken my meds today. This is but one effect of not letting 3rd parties in the debates. The 2 existing parties work together here. Maybe Vermin Supreme was the right candidate.



  • Coming to theaters (and hospitals) this holdiay season... the movie so dark, you thought it would never be made... it's Covid-20: Like 19 But One More.



I love when other countries have something to say.

Ok, no I don't.

Although, the lying Bottom-Wiping Bed-Wetting Iran Supreme Leader said "What a spectacle!" He said this from the nuclear weapons enrichment stockpile he doesn't  have. It's a shame he's not sitting close enough to the pile....



  • How accurate are GPSes? I ask because Wife went to lunch and Restaurant is about 20' from shoe store. Do I even need a GPS?




Speaking of shopping by mail, we got another one of those weird calls from Hardly Quality Shopping Home Network, wondering if Mrs lefty was ok, because she didn't order anything yesterday or today. Penny hates the 6 days a week mailman, but stopped barking for UPS, if that's any indication. I picked up that I can't rush out of the house because there will be a few boxes on the top step and I don't fly down steps quite as well as I used to. 

I'm not as quick as I used to be either, so it took about a year to figure out the scheme: it all revolves around the phrase "I told you about that... it's for....". I told you about that, it's for Elvert's birthday, near Xmas. The first clue should have been that we know no one named Elvert. Last night I heard we're cutting way down on xmas gifts - mostly for the kids. I agree. Yet UPS still shows up every day.

I used to get boxes every day, waaaaay back when I thought I had a few spare dollars. I'd buy used guitar effects frequently, so they'd arrive almost daily. Apparently the plan was to sell the ones I wasn't crazy about. I was astounded that you could sell gear. I ... didn't know. It simply never occurred to me. So I think it's time to go shopping again, only this time with guitars.
  • No, Honey, that's from the Guitar of the Month Club - I didn't order anything new
  • if I order every guitar in black, maybe she won't be able to tell when I have a new black one...
  • But I can't have a black one and not a blue one-it's like shoes
  • blue is my favorite color, plus you can't buy any old top - you need curly maple. If you're going to do it, do it right
  • Nah - that's an xmas gift for the boys - I told you about it.
  • Yes, effects boxes are small, but I had the one I bought sent in a guitar-size package to protect it during shipping
I had a buddy who had an 'agreement' with his wife: he could buy a guitar or whatever he wanted, but she got the equal amount to spend on whatever she wanted. As a result, their house was empty - nobody bought a thing.



San Francisco, bastion of normalcy, just voted in a tax on highly-paid CEOs, who earn 100 times more than its average worker. It's time to leave the Peoples' Republic of San Francisco, if you haven't already. The Great Unwashed just decided it could randomly tax an employee because they didn't like how much he earned. In the America of old, CEOs could earn whatever they earned, without local interference. I don't personally like what some of these people make, but I shouldn't be allowed to enact a tax on them; they're private businesses. If I were a business, I'd get out of that place, right away, before they hear, "I think those people use too much toilet paper. We need to tax them."



Voting SJWs 

Exit polls point to the power of white patriarchy. Some people who have historically been oppressed will stand with their oppresssors.

Peak SJW Insanity?

The Witches star Anne Hathaway has promised to "do better" following the criticism the film has received for its portrayal of limb difference.  Comedian Alex Brooker and others with hand and arm impairments have accused the film of being insensitive towards disabled people.

Several of the next groups to begin screaming are people with hangnails, people too fat to sit in 1 airline chair, people without arm hair, people without nose hair, people whose nose hair cannot be braided, people whose dominant hand's nails grow too much faster than the other, the ambidextrous, people who like the smell of burnt popcorn, people who use turn signals (both of them), people who eat breakfast after 10:45, women whose breast cup size differs greater than 1 cup, men with 1 testicle, female children with no testicles who may one day identify as male, people with pencil lead allergies, men with small penises, 

Furthermore, all dead authors deemed to have written books with unfair references will be dug up and forced to rewrite their books. Lastly, nothing will be allowed to be funny if it has even the slightest appearance of targeting any person or group, per the Ministry of Fairness and All That Is Good.

  • Interesting point on risk, touring, and bands by Frank Zappa










Friday, November 6, 2020

Don't Make Me Stop this Spaceship

 

So I'm sitting there, in a meeting. There are 27 other people in the meeting and we're getting nowhere. I'm starting to get edgy, and you know what that means: I've got the potato chip clips out and I'm attaching them to my balls. We can't even get people to agree on which problem is the actual problem. Meanwhile, there are 3 people telling the meeting owner what the actual problem is. They taught me right after I was hired not to say, "Hey, Jackass, do what I tell you. Stop talking like you know something." My head hurts, the phone is ringing, and I'm out of clips.


Your love is like  a barber who'd rather be a lumberjack


So this vote counting thing goes on and on. It's been delightfully peaceful, as if a hole suddenly opened up and all the assholes got sucked into it. 

In unrelated news, Antifa, BLM, the Proud Boys, and others have absolutely nothing to do. They're all sitting around, in the middle of the street, with empty signs and no motivation. There's nothing to do.

How about we march due to the high price of milk?

Nah, done it.

Protest the conditions in jails?

We did that last week.

I know... we can protest those people who protest and block streets!

But that's US! 

Oh. How bout the rising price of meat?

We're vegans.

How about we play baseball?

Do you seriously want any of us near bats? 

Man, this protesting stuff is hard. I know - we can block streets, protesting that there's nothing to protest!

You might have something there.

Yeah, we can be violently against slow vote counting, until it's time to get back to being anti-Trump.

We're PRO-Trump.

We are?

Yes.

Are you sure?

Yes - ask Cooper. His group is anti-Trump. Last week they smashed Trump Tower.

Then what are we?

We're PRO-Trump.

What do WE do?

Largely hang around, looking threatening, and occasionally beating one of those guys up.

Doesn't sound like a lot of fun.

No, it's not.

Well then why?

I don't know - we've just always done it.

Well how about this year, we ALL stay home and stop behaving like total assholes?

YEAH - HOW ABOUT IT? 



Not sure I'm getting this dog talking thing. Most dogs communicate pretty well with their owners. Penny does.

  1. feed me
  2. play with this damn ball
  3. waiting for a treat, guys
  4. in the CAR?!!!!
  5. rub my belly
  6. nite nite
  7. that food you're eating sure smells good
  8. I need to put my head out the car window and bark at things

Today I identify as  a tic-tac object, buzzing an aircraft carrier


The Space Shuttle is 20 years old. That's forever in technology.

Initially, the Russians came up, to interfere with the elections, and promote peace between our nations. 20 years later, President for Life Vladimir Putin is poking at us with subs and satellites. Such irony. 8" floppies, anyone? 


Speaking of lizards, watch out for frigid lizards falling from trees. You don't actually have to watch out for them - I just liked the title.

Although, 'Russia Sausage King killed in sauna with crossbow' is also pretty good.


  • Got a relative in the service? Ask if they've ever seen something they can't identify in the air or water. I hear it was interesting on ships..   Do tell.


A pair of good samaritans interrupted a kidnapping in Philly. When I was very little, I wanted to know who these samaritans were. Were they a club? A religion? An offshoot of Russian Orthodox, coming to interfere in our elections?

Eventually I looked it up. This was much less shocking than hearing 'mass of Christian burial' as 'massive Christian burial'. It took years of therapy before I could even look at a Christian again.


  • So in the Star Trek with John-Luke, is Q a forewarning of Q-Anon? 
  • Millions of Trekkers have now validated their existence.


I hadn't seen a movie with Mom for a while, so I suggested a nice family movie - she picked The House of Screaming Death.


  • India is urging people to consume sugar, because it's been overproduced. Sounds like an ideal vacation spot.


Do you know that the Australian Department of Foreign Affairs warned citizens against traveling to the US, in part due to anticipated violence around the election? Part of me is chuckling, the other part is laughing loudly.


  • PA was a battleground state in the election, and the text spam was off the hook (so to speak). On election day, I was considering turning the phone off. I'm looking into call and SMS blockers and will advise. It was absolute insanity.
  • Speaking of the election, the Divide and Conquer was working at a level never seen before. Families and marriages were in conflict. This was stupid on so many levels. I want to set an example, after the fact. I don't hate you because you voted differently than me... it just means you're mentally deficient and don't understand. But I would never hold that against you - you're my readers first, voters third. I would not pull a list of voters, which will soon be available, after a hack, and visit your houses. Since you've never seen me, it would be a hell of a shock. Fortunately, I'd never sit you down and explain why you voted incorrectly, or force you to listen to me sing a few renditions of "New Yawk, New Yawk." I will not poke your ears out or hit you with red-hot pokers from the fireplace. I promise never to bring Al Gore with me to talk to you on any subject at all, for what feels like hours at a time, but in reality is 3 minutes.  I wouldn't kick you off this blog and insist you go to a different, less sarcastic blog. I would not divorce you and claim you're no longer a ThermionicEmissions reader. I would not hurl any bodily fluids at your political signs, but insist everyone who put them up to take them down. I can't imagine pulling credit reports and messing with your ratings. My dog will not poop on your lawn, although she'll probably bark. I will not have your bank transfer any of your hard-earned money to an offshore account and put it into bitcoin, nor will I have your kids' school curriculum changed to all SJW, all the time. There will be no (new) scratches on your car, no (additional) adult toys in your bedroom, and no local government agencies to take your children because you're obviously an unfit parent.  It's about love, people.



  • Speaking of love, Antifa and Black Lives Matter are in front of the White House, causing trouble, vowing to stay for weeks if Trump is re-elected. Because voting is apparently not enough. Again, I have a solution: let them fall in love and go off happy, to live their lives in bliss. This blog is about solutions. The important thing here is not to be mad at these groups... they're doing what they do. What would you think if you saw a lone Antifa or BLM member walking in front of the White House with a sign that said "It's a fair election and the will of the people"?


Philly and surrounding areas were literally boarded up, in case of violence. Fortunately it was a waste of lumber. 




The Flying AIDS is hitting middle-aged men disproportionally.

Damn virus is AGE-ist. Middle-age Lives Matter! 



So it's lunchtime and I'm eating the Regular: alligator and anchovies, when I hear the requisite banging and power tool noise. The Loud Family moved out 5 months ago and I don't know where this is coming from. It used to be such a quiet neighborhood, til I moved in. I looked out and couldn't find the source of the noise. This is disconcerting... normally it goes on outside, so at least you can sit inside and bitch at the offending neighbor. It's scary too, because you never know what they're up to. There's the House that Took Over the Street, down the block, with 6 floors down and a panic room. At least you could hear them when they were excavating.  I think they're monitoring me for one of the letter agencies. The fact there's construction going on that we can't hear is most upsetting, because this might be an update, or a new House that Took Over the Street. There are no obvious taps on my electricity or phone lines, but that's coming. Next week they'll bring in the complex spy and tracking gear for the War Room. Since things are getting more and more... complicated.... it could be any of the Usual Suspects: CIA, NSA, FBI, DIA, Foreign Technology Desk, the Russians, or worse, the Democrats; the last 2 in preparation for the 2024 election. You know they'll deploy the normal tapping stuff, plug the thingy that listens to your conversations by pointing the laser at your window. The laugh is on them, when they hear the kids talking and the dog barking. There are people who say I'm paranoid. How can you not be paranoid, with all the letter agencies building underground spying bases to monitor you? Perhaps, in a historic moment of cooperation, like peace in the Middle East, the CIA house down the block is sharing information with the NSA house now being built. Remember: the wet boot flies at sundown, 


In unrelated news, the libertarians might be building a house soon too. The way things have been going, they'd put the basement up top and forget to build the rest. The last count I saw was .99% for Jo Jorgensen, which is a little less thani Gary Johnson, in 2020. The 2 main parties worked their magic to keep the libertarians out of the debates, which hurt, but we need to to better. Locally we did, but not by much. Let me put it to you this way: if you're standing on the debate stage with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, how can you not look like the voice of sanity? By the same token, if you were allowed on the debate stage with Joe Biden and Donald Trump.....

We need to do a better job. If Trump was voted in as the candidate of true change, they need to hear about our platform. I didn't expect us to win this race, but it was a poor showing, and it got worse when Pennsylvania literally took votes away from Jorgensen from one count to the next.



HAPPYs 

Delbert McClinton 80!




some mornings, it's best to go back to bed