Monday, October 16, 2017

Mom's New Times

My mom is obviously enjoying the hell out of life since she got out of the dementia facility. Most people leave that place under a more terminal form of discharge. I hear there was a little confusion, as they're not used to discharging via the front door.

There is an oft-repeated phrase about weather forecasters: they're the only people who get paid for being wrong all the time. You may not believe this, but there's a close tie-in between weather and parents. We wanted to take them out on a people-watching excursion that involved indoor and outdoor parts, so we needed half decent weather. Earlier in the week, the forecast for Saturday was 80 and sunny.  The weather app on my phone appeared to be off, as it said every day for the next week was 60 and rainy/cloudy/humid. The weather app on my tv wanted to keep the weather a secret and wouldn't advance to Saturday.

So naturally, it rained on Saturday, postponing our trip til Sunday.

At 6am, the weather forecaster on live news said about 80 and sunny. It should be painfully obvious that I would not know this information. It came from the wife, who has the Mother of All Sleep Disorders. When she's not practicing not sleeping, Marshall has trained her to get up whenever he pops up to feed him. This can happen five times per night. He has trained her well. We got the smart cocker.

So naturally, it was positively miserable on Sunday. The forecast did say the clouds and junk were going to burn off, leaving it 80 and sunny. When I checked my phone app, it must've been afraid to be wrong, so it told me it couldn't hit the server. Way to play it, phone app.

It was so miserable outside as to land in the category Philly Miserable. Philly Miserable is its own category of weather, as well as its own category of miserable. The sky is a dark gray, or as we say, not a sun in the sky. It's either raining or so close as to be indistinguishable from rain. I asked if there was any way possible to get a little more humidity and was met with a rousing NO. It was probably close to 105% humidity. Paper wilted and fell over. Asthmatics had trouble breathing. Obese people heeded the Fat Warning and stayed inside with their air conditioners turned up to Siberia. No problem, though... it would burn off.

Off we went, way too early in the morning. I only have two days to sleep late, and they happen to happen on the weekend. Thus I was foiled both days. But I got even by going back to sleep Saturday, til 2pm. When I got up, I was more tired than when I went to bed. Perhaps I should just sleep four hours and be down with it.

A while later, we arrived at our destination, Q-Mart, or the Quakertown Market. It features an outdoor flea market and an indoor... ummmm... huge building with... umm... retail stalls. It was still miserable outside, possibly having created an entire category of misery by itself: static rain. It's 100% humidity and it's not actually raining, but it feels kinda like it. What happens is that the rain freezes in place wherever it is, so you're walking among raindrops but they're not falling from above. I'm sorry, this is the best I can make up while I'm typing this. But it's ok, it's going to burn off and hit 80.

Quakertown Mart is a venue and an experience unto itself. It is only within the last few years that smoking has been stopped indoors. Quakertown is far enough removed from Philadelphia as to be a different place, and takes full advantage of this opportunity. It's an interesting place to people watch, but not for extended periods of time, lest you start to look and act like them. For a while, people looked like mountain men (even the women). This has changed, ever so subtly, to a more modern (for them) bipedal life form, looking more and more like regular humans as the years pass. This version of humanity has a problem with the local water supply, which has turned everyone's hair different colors. So in essence, you get one or two degrees more hick than The City (as they refer to any far off, wondrous place with a population larger than 1,000), with colored hair. And I'm talking grandmas too. It's a good thing the parents didn't drink anything local, lest their hair become full of color too. I can't see my mom with purple streaks, although my dad might look good in blue. He's color blind, so he won't notice.

Very interesting was the housing development that had sprung up next door. I'm having trouble figuring out how they sold more than three of these $500,000 houses, with a huge Mart next door. The answer is obviously that people who live in $500,000 houses love a good schlocky bargain, like the rest of us.

The outside flea market is open whenever people want to rent tables, including mid-winter, during the snow. I have not checked out whether this happens, as I don't drive a snow plow, don't have four wheel drive, and the helicopter's in the shop again. That thing cannot keep a cyclonic blowshaft for more than 1,000 miles to save its own life. So there we were. For whatever reason there weren't as many tables, but we got to lookin' immediately. We refer to it as the greatest collection of schlock (junk) ever assembled for sale, possibly in the country. Today was a new breed of interesting. We found cases of 8track tapes (remember those?). In case you were wondering what you'd ever do with a case of 8track tapes, you could probably get the seller to throw them in with the complete stereo with the 8track player. Tell them what they won, Johnny! YES, YOU'VE WON A BRAND NEW STEREO SYSTEM [audience applauds loudly]. YES, A MAGNAVOX ALL-IN-ONE STEREO SYSTEM WITH EXTERNAL SPEAKERS, A RECORD PLAYER AND AN 8TRACK TAPE PLAYER [audience screams and passes out]. Thanks for watching Match Game 1973!

If you are not up for the more modern 8track, why not pick up a reel-to-reel player? Yes, an ancient home reel-to-reel combination stereo. No, this is not your standalone tape player - this is part of the integrated, up to date, modern stereo (and of the 70's). It matches that huge piece of furniture you call a television, which takes up most of your living room, with a display that was two feet thick. Hey kids - did you know there was a time when you turned on the tv and had to wait a minute or two for the tv to warm up? Yes, it was the Dark Ages.

Uh-oh, that was the 1st table. Better hurry this up.

Further we went, past the records, 40 year old pot holders, non-functional appliances, discount dish soap, cameras manufactured before the 1970's, old silverware, older tools, and fabric pumpkins. Walking further, we came upon a stereo repair shop, with tons of 1970's and later all in one stereos, piled all the way up. The same with computers, also stacked up.

Unable to contain our excitement anymore, we extricated ourselves from the out of doors and moved to the in of doors. The mart proper is a humongous building, divided into rather a lot of stalls. Each stall is occupied by what one would technically call a business. The sheer range of businesses strains the bounds of believability. For instance, you're probably wondering where you can get your sewing machine repaired. And while you're getting your sewing machine repaired, maybe you could get your vacuum repaired too. At the same shop! Or buy some bags for it. Or purchase a refurbished canister vacuum, made long before you were born.

There's a video store. It's actually a really good video store. It's so good that after an hour or two, my wife has to be physically carried out (if I'm not asleep on the bench outside). They have LOTS of movies. The best part was the sign on the outside that said "Buy 1 VHS tape, get 20 free". Wife left with several movies, including Return of the Son of Cousin Three Times Removed Bride of Reanimator 5, Again (This Time It's Just A Sequel).

The parents were full of observing and observances. There were Amish butchers and Asian produce salespeople. Did you know there is a pork steak? A donut that's sliced in half with mounds of cream in the middle? A donut so big, you can slice it like a cake and feed your whole family dessert? Donuts are fun, so we got some. Mom spent several moments looking at the huge variety and driving the staff nuts. The lady asked what she wanted and Mom looked up and said blueberry. Then only problem was there were no blueberry donuts. Perhaps she was shopping at a different donut place.  It took all I had not to order an oregano donut. To get to a dozen required the on-staff dentist to come out and pull some teeth.

After all the bizarrity, we had one stop left. No, not the Gas Station Sushi. The seafood store. In this strange assemblage of retail and not quite city folk is one of the best fish places we've been to. Everything is fresh. Several fishy purchases later and we were in the car, being careful of the small lakes that had appeared in the parking lot, one immediately behind the car, requiring waders to open the trunk.

And as we closed the car doors, the wife looked up and said, "HEY - this isn't 80 and sunny."

Thursday, October 12, 2017

It's Raining Twinkies. Or Minions

Israel hacked into antivirus provider Kaspersky, where they discovered the FSB (Russian spy agency) has been, along with NSA spy tools and viruses. Kaspersky said they don't help any governments nor will they. Kaspersky detected a breach and reported on it. Israel warned the US in 2015. Quick as you can say 'chrysanthemum,' two years later, the US government banned Kaspersky from its networks. At this point, no one has proven Kaspersky to be involved in any of this directly. Regardless, they've been smeared and implicated and their business is going to take a hit.  It's like James Bond on acid.

  • October 11 is National Coming Out Day. I'd like to make an announcement. It's been very difficult on me for many years, but it's time to reveal myself to my readers for what I am. From this day forward, I will be known as heterosexual.

The Department of Treasury denies domestic spying.

The Office of Intelligence and Analysis (OIA) is under Treasury and examines foreign intelligence. However, there is evidence (twelve anonymous sources) that, like their friends in the NSA and CIA, it is spying domestically too.

The Department of Treasury denies domestic spying.

Banks and financial organizations are required to turn over information daily and the OIA has had its nose there.

The Department of Treasury denies domestic spying.

Leaks made it to the government and Buzzfeed. Congressional inquiries went unanswered.

The Department of Treasury denies domestic spying.

These departments and this government are completely out of hand. If the opportunity for expansion exists, they'll take it. If the opportunity for spying exists, they'll take it. Any attempted oversight is ignored, stymied, and laughed at. There is no accountability.  And we're paying for the privilege of being spied upon.

  • A New York man threatened a Las Vegas style shooting at a Denver company. He stated that he would get on a plane and fly there if they didn't pay him $100. I would have demanded at least enough to cover the plane ticket.

Google admits its new smart speaker was eavesdropping on customers, after a reviewer caught it uploading everything it heard to Google. Google says they have fixed the 'bug', by which they mean they've made it much harder to detect. People are paying for a device that will let Google (or Amazon) spy on you. I am shocked. SHOCKED, that Google eavesdrops.

  • The Boy Scouts have announced they will admit girls into the Cub Scouts and establish a program for older girls. This is a big step forward. It's quite original.. you could almost call it something like... girl scouts. That would be a good name.

Faceyspaces went down for a bit the other day. Production in all sectors of America went up and brain cell loss went down 80%.

  • I'm home, on a late business call. A long time ago, I learned to mute my microphone at all times, unless I'm speaking. I learned this because it keeps me from imitating my boss' accent or injecting 'witty' comments about the current topic.
  • I noticed some noise.
  • Good thing my mic is muted.
  • In any other house, this would be amusing or distracting. In my house, it's like a live-action cartoon.*
  • Thump thump thump... HEY LEFTY...LEFTY...
  • I quietly point to my phone, as if to say WILL YOU LEAVE ME THE $*#& ALONE - I'M ON AN IMPORTANT BUSINESS CALL. BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG does not help my concentration and the boss likes when I listen to him.
  • Thump thump thump.
  • BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. Because if it doesn't work, keep trying the same solution. BANG BANG BANG BANG.
  • Call ends, I take a look. Somebody locked the bathroom door. Gnomes, probably. Since this is a very secure lock, I can probably dislodge it with my Secret Lockpicking Kit.
  • Most of my early life was spent looking for phillips screwdrivers. Since my religion forbids putting anything away after I use it, I could never find a phillips driver. Mind you, I had standard screwdrivers all over the place. Now that I'm grown (allegedly), I can only find phillips screwdrivers. Phillips drivers are the one driver that will not go in my Secret Lockpicking Kit.
  • Since people keep giving me those really cool multitool knife jobbies, I found my most Swiss version, with the LED flashlight built in. I had to keep adjusting it because the LED would come on by itself. Gnomes, probably.
  • After 15 minutes I managed to make the standard screwdriver come out to play and fired up the LED so I could see. POOF - the last forever, low power LED didn't work - the battery was kaput.
  • One blind screwdriver insertion and twist later, the door was open and I was muttering to myself much more quietly and not even cursing more than normal. Good thing this lock is very secure.
  • This would look like magic to the person requesting access to the bathroom, but she had disappeared during the uninterrupted portion of my work phone call. Gnomes, probably.

* My house is frequently cartoonish. Stuff happens that you often see in cartoons. While 'helping' me cook or do dishes, Marshall sits or lays on the kitchen floor. If I fill his bowl with food, he leaps up to follow me. Unfortunately the floor is some type of lineoleum and he can't get traction on it, causing him to keep trying over and over again, slipping each time. I keep waiting for the banging on pots sound effect that goes with this in cartoons.

The other day I managed to produce absolutely the most perfect, unavailable, cannot reproduce sight gag that ever existed. While taking out the trash, my view down was obstructed. I stepped on a push broom and the handle jumped right up and hit me in the face. You cannot make this happen even if you set it up perfectly, or you are one of the Three (dead) Stooges. Since my nose was not broken, all I could do was laugh (and start mentally typing it up for ThermionicEmissions). Dear readers, I live my life for you.

  • "Fatphobia is violence", some fat lady opined online, complete with pictures of her being fat in lingerie. Words kill. In this case, pictures too.

This month's Microsoft patch includes a fix for a tiny issue. You can encrypt messages in Outlook. And if you do, they will encrypt, and the recipient will unencrypt them. The tiny issue is that, with the encrypted message is a plain text copy of the email. To their credit, Microsoft jumped right on this issue, which was discovered in May.

  • This Harvey Weinstein affair is tragic and will continue to be in the news for a while. Aside from the heinous nature of his abuses is the heinous covering up by Harvey's famous people and news outlets. Everybody knew what he was up to and nobody spoke up til recently. Now everybody's piling on, which is a step in the right direction. Except Lindsey Lohan, who is staunchly defending him. After five days, even Hillary Clinton spoke up.

An Australian man was hurt by a flying dildo, launched from the naughty bits of an exotic dancer. This is the kind of news story we need. It has it all: injury, physics, and an exotic dancer. Think of her muscular control!

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

I Don't Want You Dead - Just Stop Breathing

Dove apologized for a body wash commercial where a black woman turned white after using the product. Hellfire and Fury ensued. Be fair - who could have seen that going wrong?

  • Do satanists threaten their children that if they're bad, they'll go to heaven?

Harvey Weinstein has been caught with his pants down. Literally.
Another sexual harassment suit has hit, this time going public. The previous ones haven't, because Harvey is the price of being a star. You apparently had to have sex with Harvey. Everyone was afraid to say anything, lest they be thrown out of Hollywood. Incidentally, Harvey was just thrown out of The Weinstein Company, which he formed with his brother and two others. Incidentally, there has been a number of suits settled already, which means this was even less a secret.

There's absolutely no excuse for the behavior of this animal. Who knows how many were hurt.

Corey Feldman has stated that there are pedophiles in Hollywood, that have messed with young stars. He is terrified to name names, for obvious reasons. I wonder if Harvey is the name he wanted to say. The name Charlie Sheen may pop up also, in reference to Corey Haim.

While we're on the topic, designer Donna Karan defended Weinstein, saying that the way the actresses dressed, what were they asking for? Yes, she just blamed the victim.

  • Our friends over at United Airlines are in the news again, but this time it's not their fault. A passenger tried to escape the plane by opening the emergency exit door, but failed. Then tried again. And again. The third time was the charm, in terms of a Federal Air Marshal restraining him and having him arrested upon landing. The moral of the story is that if you feel warm, talk to a flight attendant. They will open the emergency exit for you.

Angry that her husband played too much golf, a woman cut off his penis and flushed it down the toilet.  Judging from her actions, he'll continue to get as much sex as he did before she pruned his hedge.

  • Look out for more information on the Las Vegas shooting. The lone wolf shooter narrative looks to be falling apart, as there are reports of other shooters, some on the ground. There is also video, as the casino is surveilled, plus a camera that looks downward from the roof.

This is Wales' most haunted public toilet. As determined by the Twenty Seven Point Wales Restroom Haunting Scale. And because there are lesser haunted public toilets in Wales.

  • Why does privacy matter? In simple terms, if you haven't been paying attention to my constant ranting.

As mentioned earlier, Whole Foods has experienced a payment card breach. Oddly enough, it's at the in-store table service and taprooms, not at the checkouts, which use a different Point of Sale (POS) system. The breach was announced two weeks ago and hasn't been updated. Why upset your customers more?

  • Over 5,000 Morrisons (British supermarket) staff have sued the company, after their personal and financial data was leaked by a disgruntled insider. Things get more interesting when Morrisons claimed it was not liable. Morrisons was, however, awarded 170,000 pounds for the leak, but the employees got nothing. This company's behavior is so abhorrent, American companies want to bring them in as consultants.

In this month's (year's?) best headline, "Florida man drops pants and sodomizes pink flamingo to death." Harvey Weinstein refuses to divulge his whereabouts on the day in question.

  • North Korea hacked South Korea's military network, gaining access to 235 gigabytes of sensitive data. And by sensitive data, we mean pictures of big-breasted Korean women in skimpy bathing suits.

Top defense contractors, including Lockheed Martin, Raytheon, and Boeing, do not have HTTPS web encryption enabled by default. This is why we can't have nice things. It's also why the biggest-spending war machine in the world doesn't stand a chance against electronic espionage. PORN websites have HTTPS encryption enabled. Or so I hear.

  • Millions of Pornhub users have been hit with a malvertizing attack. An ad on the page, disguised as a 'legitimate' ad, redirected users to a fake webpage, where Chrome and Firefox users were presented with an update screen, which installed the malware. Not that any of us go to Pornhub, the largest group of porn sites on the internet.

October 10 is World Suicide Prevention Day.
ThermionicEmissions interrupts its normal merriment to get serious:
  • You feel like shit - we understand. The pain is crippling. 
  • Reach out and talk to someone.. a friend, relative, counselor, online friends, suicide hotline 1-800-273-TALK (8255). 
  • From someone who has been there.
  • You may think you mean nothing to anybody. You're wrong. You will leave a trail of destruction in your wake that you can't imagine. Family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, even online buddies' lives will be affected and this will carry through to the end of their days. People close to me, after having seen what death does to families and friends, swear they'll never commit suicide, no matter how bad the pain gets.
  • It is important to all these people, and me, that you reach out when you're feeling like hurting yourself (or others).
  • You don't have to feel like this. This is not normal. There are professionals to talk to and medicines that help.
  • Let's not lose one more.

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Quiet - I'm Trying to Think

Like many people, I sometimes do some online learning. This is a hair more difficult for me, as I have the attention span of a pregnant gnat (on drugs). So I asked my wife for a little quiet, so I could get through it more easily.

For the entire day, I could barely hear my wife, except when she spoke to me. This is almost uncharacteristic of her, as she has the grace of an elephant in a tutu (she will tell you this).

As I started the numbered material, it became Cleaning Time:

Item #1: [the crunch of brown bags opening]

Item #2: [boxes being moved]

Item #3: [stuff falling against wooden furniture]

I'm laughing, as it's not too loud, just slightly annoying.
Wife goes into the other room and I think good - no more noise.

Item #4: [an entire basket of hangers attempts to commit suicide by leaping to the floor].

At this point, I lose it.

Item #5: [tap tap tap]
Your parents are coming over. Where do I put the guitars?
But, I just...
DON'T. Please don't.

Item #6: [folding chair falls to ground]
Wife: "Ok, I give up."
Please do.

I have deliberately omitted the part where the elephant led the parade through the living room, as well as the eight lane highway being started out front. If people are watching this, our ratings are through the roof (along with the giraffes).

  • It sure is early this morning.
  • It looks like it's getting longer.
  • The morning meeting that makes me get up an hour early was not attended by the person who set it up
  • The muffin I got for breakfast lept onto the floor, making a perfect hole in the powdered creamer spray, which quickly followed it to the floor.
  • A pile of Stuff on the back of the couch decided to see if it could fly and failed spectacularly, hitting the seat cushion and bouncing to the floor.
  • While filling the dog's water bowl, I spilled most of it down the front of me
  • It's 8:25. If things get any better, I'll be on sick leave by 9.

It's a bad time to be someone who's not really fond of Tom Petty

  • A woman in South Carolina ordered a yoga mat. When she opened it, she found 20,000 pills valued at $400,000 instead. Meh - yoga mat, $400k in illegal drugs, what's the difference?

Use the Stupid, Luke: a security expert recommends using a black marker to write 'PIN: 5372' on your ATM card. It increases incorrect PIN entries if the card is stolen. You are reminded NOT to use your REAL PIN.

  • White House Chief of Staff John Kelly's personal phone has been hacked for over six months. Yes, that's right, six months. He sent the phone to IT for repairs, where the hack was discovered. He claimed not to use the personal phone for business. We have met the enemy and it is US.

Russian spies used Kaspersky Antivirus to swipe NSA exploit code, according to anonymous sources.
Well, that's the headline anyway.. the overly uncautious snoop took the code home and put it on his home computer, which was running Kaspersky Antivirus. It is alleged that Russian hackers used Kaspersky to identify the files and steal them. The claim is from 2015, because the public has no right to know. The NSA won't comment, as a matter of policy.  Because you have no right to know. 

For its part, Kaspersky vigorously denies any of this happened and has offered its source code to government officials. There are no reports of anyone taking Kaspersky up on its offer - just allegations which have not been proven. 

Kaspersky has been banned from government equipment and Best Buy has pulled it from their shelves. Until I see undeniable proof, I'm not inclined to believe this. This is very easy for me to say, as I run linux.

  • Continuing the Annoyance Thread, I'm on an early evening business call, on speakerphone. At this exact moment, the tree people show up next door, to cut down a few trees. With loud gas-powered saws.

This week's definition of Mom: the lady who blew off an opportunity to get out and stayed home, making some sort of tuna meat loaf for the sick granddog. Marshall barely got a sniff of it and went face-down in his food bowl. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised - I grew up on her cooking and it was always good, if not great. This from a lady who, two months ago, was in a facility with dementia.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Wet T-Shirt Nite

Yes, that's right, the secret phrase for tonight is Wet T-Shirt Nite!

  • US casino stocks fell after the Las Vegas incident. No one saw that coming.
  • Remember: guns don't kill people - country music does.
  • Speaking of guns, gun stocks went up.

A CBS legal executive, Haley Geftman-Gold, stated on Faceyspaces that she had no sympathy for the Las Vegas victims because country music fans are right wing, gun toters. She had no hope that the Repugs would do the right thing. Several hours later, she was without employment. CBS disavowed her statement.

Not to be outdone, Hillary Clinton said this event should not be politicized, then went on to politicize it, going after the NRA.  Lest anyone be confused about gun control, the weapon used by the shooter was an automatic, which is already illegal and difficult to obtain. So much for gun control working.

  • RIP Tom Petty. I wasn't a fan but can't deny his impact.
  • Tom spent the better part of the day in the hospital after a cardiac arrest. At this point, everyone could agree that he was in the hospital but no one could tell if he was alive or dead. Calling Dr. Schroedinger...
  • Tom used to follow me.. not in the creepy paranoid way.. more in the "Oh God, here he is again" kinda way. Like I said, I'm not a fan, but if I got in the car and turned on the radio, there he was. If I went into a department store, his music was playing overhead. It got so bad, as verified by others, that when I'd turn on the tv, he was there too. Fortunately The Petty Effect went away, years ago.

Hey, it's National Cybersecurity Awareness Month!  So go about your business and ignore it.

  • They're baaaaaack. Yes, Loud Construction Company is back, after a week's break, working on the neighbor's house. Perhaps they went to a seminar on how to Keep It Loud. It started and continues with the Serious Sledgehammer on Concrete noise. It sounds like it's coming from my front steps.
  • Because my nerves are a little off-kilter today, Loud Construction Company isn't going to be alone, no sir. The house phone rang, like an icepick through my ears. At the same moment, my phone rang. While this symphony of ring is happening, I'm listening to Robin Trower on my computer. All of this cacophony is unnerving, like an icepick through my skull, pounded in with a sledgehammer (on concrete).
  • While my eyeballs roll around like a slot machine, my wife is talking to me on my phone. We have a special feature activated when I'm trying to talk, called the No Talk Feature. When she's talking, if I attempt to say anything at all, she can't hear me and keeps talking. Sometimes when she's not talking, she still can't hear me. I'm starting to wonder if the No Talk Feature was ordered through our phone company or something she just made up.
  • It's the end of my work day and I'm having trouble finishing up two items. I let my coworker know that the two items need attention. He asks which two items. The two items I mentioned, one of which has my bloody name on it. I think we are burdened by speaking the same language, which is generally referred to as English. Perhaps he speaks the Swahili variant of English, wherein he misses every other sentence. Or the Urdu version, where every other word is dropped but still spoken. It doesn't matter if I email him - it's every bit as frustrating in email, but I can shout and bang my head on the floor.

Marshall has had few side effects from his chemotherapy: largely it's lethargy. He went back for bloodwork today, after which they decided to lower his dosage because he shouldn't have side effects (damn him). Aside from dosage, I asked what the blood showed. It won't show anything til they check next week. But didn't they take blood last week? Yes. Didn't they do chemo last week? Yes. Then why didn't they know anything between last week and this week. Well, he has to have chemo first. But he DID have chemo - last week. Yes. But.. but.. but.. there's a reason I don't like the medical field, and it's not just because I tend to pass out when I see blood.

  • Remember that 2013 Yahoo email breach that didn't hit all their accounts? They 'revised it upward' so that it now hit all 3 billion email accounts. Math.

A Drexel University professor blames the Las Vegas shooting on 'Trumpism' and white men. Drexel stated that the professor's tweets don't represent the university. Those who can, do. Those who can't do, teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym. Those who can't teach gym, teach at universities. I think I'm going to need a Safe Space now. With soft pillows and a puppy.

My boobies lie over the ocean
My boobies lie over the sea
My boobies lie over the ocean
Bring back my boobies to me

Friday, September 29, 2017

A Witty Title

Today's network breach is Sonic, the alleged restaurant. Payment card information was stolen - rather a lot of it. If you go to Sonic and pay with a card, you should examine account activity immediately. I think this is revenge for some of the worst television commercials in the known universe.

Second on the hit parade is Amazon's Whole Foods, which is investigating their Point of Sale systems, which were hacked. Pay cash.

  • What does that huge online corporation know about you? The author asked Tinder for her information. She got 800 pages back, which surprised her. I know we don't use Tinder (snicker) but replace Tinder with Faceyspaces, Whatsapp, Instagram, Snapchat, etc. and think about what you may find.

Today's Fast Fact: even Bill Gates does not use a Windows phone.

  • Guitar fans: check out the Rig Rundown of Metallica's current tour

A GOP senate nominee believes that homosexuality should be illegal. This is obviously another constitutional scholar. We remain thankful he's not a nominee for judge.

  • This week's best headline (so far): Homeowner found naked burglar dangling from ceiling. He was surprised by police while hiding in the attic. No reason for his lack of clothing but can you imagine laying on insulation naked? The emergency room would spend six hours removing the fibers from your genitals alone.

The Maryland Zoo's polar bear could be the first to give birth by artificial insemination...

Hey Bob - what do you do?
I work at a for-profit that works inside a governmental non-profit putting together knock knacks to sell to people who stop by during the week.

John - what do you do?
Inseminate bears.

  • A woman was pulled off a Southwest plane after claiming her serious allergies required removal of a helper dog and one other on the plane. The woman was unable to provide proof of her allergy. When told to get off, she refused. Staff and the police tried politely to reason with her. Failing that, she was forcibly removed. As the plane wasn't going to leave until this was settled, she's lucky the other passengers didn't throw her off.
  • Entitlement lessons - $100 per session. Why so much? Because I'm entitled to it.

RIP Hugh Hefner. We all own the man a debt of gratitude. And a couple cases of tissues. He will be buried in a large, stiff sock.

  • A wanted subject from the Dark Web was just apprehended. On the way to a beard contest. Sorry, this is funny in so many ways.

A woman pulled over for erratic driving was found to be drunk, with three syringes and $20 in her vagina. Potentially a very prickly situation, although I wonder why she needed to hide currency there. Unless she normally does, which would be cumbersome in checkout lines.

  • If you were in an airport Thursday, odds are the entire computer system was down. Gatwick, Washington DC, Paris Charles De Gaulle, Frankfurt, Sydney, DC, South Africa, and Lufthansa were among the affected. Gatwick said there had been "no delays." A spokesman for Lufthansa said the Amadeus Altea software - used by multiple airlines - was affected. 
  • The cause of the problem was unclear.
  • What in the universe is wrong with airline software/hardware these days? Are they connected by bag phones? Rest assured planes are safe and the backup systems have backup systems. The systems on the ground seem to be where it's hit or miss.
  • If this kind of thing happened at my job repeatedly, I wouldn't have a job. You either.

Latest news in the Injured Rock Star Department: Aerosmith's Steven Tyler collapsed after a show in South America. According to a source close to the band, it was a seizure. Still up in the air is Deep Purple's Glenn Hughes, with no cause for his collapse. Take care, guys, we've lost more than enough lately.

  • Watch your emails carefully. More carefully. Some of the dangerous emails have gotten more dangerous. Emails from UPS, Fedex, and sometimes even your own coworkers! My friend received a message from her coworker in accounting and almost clicked on the link. It looked perfectly legit, until she hovered over the link and realized it didn't go where it said it did. This is how the Bad Guys<tm> get into your network to steal data or virus the system. If you have any doubt at all, please ask someone. You don't want to be that person.

The king of Saudi Arabia has ruled, moving them 3 days out of the stone age, that women may drive. But only if a man says so, or else she'll have to be dragged out, stoned, then beheaded. Saudi women are celebrating, very quietly, lest they be dragged out, stoned, then beheaded. Somebody had to alert the king that you have to hang them before you behead them. Meanwhile, in the United States, women (and their men, who do what they're told) are celebrating this great step for Saudi Arabia. Still no word on being dragged out, stoned, then beheaded.

MARSHALL UPDATE: After the first chemptherapy treatment, we were told that side effects, if any, would show up two to three days after. He slept the next day and has been fine! My mom shows up every day and does energy work with him. She says he is really strong and getting stronger. For his part, he loves the attention.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

It's a Sign!

It was early in the morning, my body still in a state of shock from being awakened to go to work, when I saw the article: "Boston Red Sox Caught Using Technology to Steal Signs".

Like any decent geek, I asked myself what the hell the Boston Red Sox would need with signs? Would they put them in the parking lot? Make a Sign Museum? Put them on the field to confuse the opposing team?

OH - hand signs between the catcher and the pitcher. Cameras all over the place watch players, figure out the signs, then relay them to the coach via an Apple watch or Fitbit.

Kids- if you ever wonder about the effects of growing up without a father (and being smart but kinda dim), here it is.

  • They broke the mold after me. By popular request.

There was an insane amount of football chatter all over the place the other day. By this I divined that there was a lot of football, and the Great Unwashed Sheep were at it again, this time distracted by a ridiculous controversy over sitting, standing, taking someone's knee, or masturbating while the national anthem is playing.

We have real problems in the country and the world, yet we fall for this Divide and Conquer nonsense every time. Bread and circuses.

  • Where will you spend eternity? Here's one idea. Mine would be a huge guitar or booby. 

It pains me to say this, but if you have an iDevice, hold off on iOS11. No. wait, it doesn't pain me.. what's that other thing? It amuses the hell out of me. There is an issue if you use the operating system with Outlook 365 that won't allow you to get your mail. Just for fun, the other issue is that the battery drains at twice the normal rate. Aside from that, it's perfectly ok.

  • This is a winner: Muslim nurses in the UK refuse to wash hands before medical operations, say it 'compromises religious beliefs'. I wonder if they would prohibit the surgeon operating on them from washing his hands. Oops, sorry, my religious beliefs demand infections. As if that weren't good enough, administrators have granted them an exception. Don't offend them by asking them to wash their hands!

So you're on one of twenty ships in the Black Sea, and your ship seems to be in the sea, then at an airport, then back in the sea, you've probably been the victim of GPS spoofing. Or the Philadelphia Experiment is happening, in which case it's advisable to stay away from walls and hover over the deck. Assuming spoofing, there was a demonstration a number of years ago, in which a briefcase with about $1,000 of equipment performed this experiment, this time it's Real Life<tm>.

In 2015, the US Naval Academy, aware of this spoofing, opted to reinstate instruction in celestial navigation. You know - navigating by the stars, like sailors have been doing since the beginning of time. Of course it's only a matter of time til the Russians hack the stars...

  • HEALTH WARNING: Swedish Fish have been known to pull crowns out. That is all.

A thirteen year old Brooklyn boy suffered ruptured testicles after exiting a train via the window and surfing on top of it.  No one could have seen this coming. It's only a matter of days until his parents sue, blaming the train for not having signs that say WARNING: DO NOT EXIT VIA WINDOW AND JUMP ON ROOF. But ruptured testicles.....

  • A man accused of robbing a Fresno, CA Starbucks is suing the man who stopped the robbery for 'excessive force.' The thief's mommy said that the man who wrested the knife away didn't have to stab her son so many times to subdue him.  Furthermore, the man is suing the police for calling him a bad name and hurting his feelings. Since this is California, he probably has a chance at a win.

I'm looking for it.
If I find it, I'll let you know.
I've heard the process is more important than finding it.
I have no idea.