Sunday, August 14, 2022

At Some Point You Have to Ask, is Cockroach Sexing for Me?

 

Your love is like  really really old seafood, left in the car for weeks


You also have to ask that if you have dyslexia, is blowing right for me. Errr... bowling.


Today I identify as  a 65 year old man who just discovered he's a woman. or a tarantula.



The dog has developed a taste for those Goeth caramels, with the white cream in the center. It's nice to see the child takes after me with sweets. The thing is, she's been carrying the same one around for a couple of days. This morning she had it hidden under a bedsheet and only took it out when she left the bed. I've seen her get the wrapping off candy before, but she's not doing that. I guess this is better than watching her carry around a pizza crust for a few days...

We didn't get the smartest puppy in the litter; we got the prettiest one.


Tesla has managed to stay out of the line of fire, but they're back today:

Tesla Full Self-Driving fails to notice child-sized objects in testing

I wonder what the Supreme Court will say about post-birth abortion 

It also fails to notice stop signs, bicycles, McDonalds, and any flat road.

Don't take my fascination with the hilarity that exploding cars bring; I'm a fan of Musk. He's a bright and funny guy.


 

Everything you need to know about the monkeypox health emergency
  1. when does emergency turn into pandemic?
  2. is anyone waking Fauci?
  3. will Big Pharma claim highly exaggerated efficacy while sucking up highly effective profits?
  4. how many livelihoods will be lost this time?
  5. are state governors unimpeachable? They are if nobody tries. #ImpeachWolf



Teen’s jailing shows exactly how Facebook will help anti-abortion states

This story is fraught with so many issues, I'm not sure the title is accurate. But I'm putting it here to show what's coming. It reinforces that nothing you do is private, especially online, especially on Faceyspaces. The child should have gone old school and talked with her mother in person [ACK!]

I was immediately horrified that a state was investigating an 'illegal' abortion, but their claim is that this was before the Supreme Court's decision and they were investigating a chemical abortion post the legal time for it, plus a burned and buried corpse.

It's getting ugly, folks.



Domino's has pulled out of Italy.

Of course they did.... they couldn't make any money when Italy told them they can't refer to their product as pizza. It's like McDonald's in Texas, next to the meat packing plants. It's currently referred to as American Pizza, which runs the danger of Italy cutting off all relations with the US.

We tried to interview Italians, but couldn't find any who could stop laughing long enough to speak.


My state legislator just sent me an email about all the great things he accomplished this session. I'm smart enough not to read it, as it will anger me greatly and I'll spend the rest of the week being nasty to my dog.

 


It turns out spiders have REM-like sleep and may even dream.

Do you ever wonder what a nightmare looks like to a spider? Waking up to find a human in its bed? I know several of my nightmares involve REM, but that's a different story entirely...

It also makes you wonder how they came about this information and the cast iron balls of the researchers.




It is often said that you should take all opportunities, so on your deathbed, you won't say you regretted not doing something.

Thinking about it, some will regret not doing anything.
Some will be so embarrassed, they'll be looking forward to whatever comes next.
Some will regret nothing.
Some will be so happy to go, to the sweet release of death.
Many will wish for a do-over, possibly starting at the current age and working back.
I think I'll regret not being a rock star, and spending too much time holding down the couch. You never know what they'll get up to. It would take way too much time to regret the things I never did.

If you have a significant other or spouse, have you ever thought about who would go first?

And what happens after you die? A small question.
Do all dogs really go to heaven?

Lemmy's last words to Ozzy were

‘I could have lived a lot longer and taken care of myself, but I lived my life the way I want to live and I ain’t got no regrets’.

You don't hear this often. Hats off to Lemmy, who did it his way all the way.


What do you think you'll think on your deathbed?
Do you have a particular bed picked out or will it be after you're ejected from a car (or a plane)?



The FDA has approved a video game for treatment of ADHD.
It's been shown to work.
Dammit, I wish I didn't hate video games....
Look - birds!



Big Brother (oops - Big Sibling)

The danger of license plate readers in post-Roe America

Even the parking agencies use them. Like social media, it's the government and business that profit from your information. And your privacy.


The Environment 

Weed Killer Glyphosate Found in Most Americans' Urine

You know it as the main ingredient in Roundup, the weed killer. From Monsanto - no surprise. Either Cheney or Rumsfeld was at Monsanto.

You know you're in trouble when even urine is not safe to drink

Rainwater Everywhere Now Considered Too Toxic for Safe Consumption, Study Finds 

Hazardous pollutants known as perfluoroalkyl and polyfluoroalkyl substances (PFAS), which are sometimes called “forever chemicals” because they break down so slowly over time, are present at such elevated levels in environments around the world that scientists believe the ubiquitous contamination has now exceeded a safe planetary boundary, reports a new study.

Wow, we're killing ourselves rapidly on the planet, plus we're making a mess off-planet with space debris and killer satellites. If there are aliens, they definitely want to quarantine us on Earth, lest we turn the galaxy into a space trash ad for the Military Industrial Complex.


It's amazing, the things we're wired to do. A lot of it is tied to reproduction. Women look at well-built guys and guys look at huge breasts for suitability for breeding (he will give me strongest babies and defend us/she will have plenty of milk to feed the babies and birthing hips). So I see the bizarre trend of humongous asses and huge, fake breasts and wonder. Yes, it's tied to reproduction. The funny part is that I like petite women, breast size unimportant, so long as she has an even number of them. I also don't want children. Coincidence? 

You should thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster that I don't reproduce.


 

China's Xiaomi teases tech to control smart homes with brain waves

Unfortunately, you'll still need a controller, sorry.


Relocated beavers helped mitigate some effects of climate change

Honey, we need to relocate your


 Are you just tired of the sheeplike output from Hollywood? Do you resent a mortgage payment to see it? You're going to love this: there's a live-action Pac-Man movie in the works. If this generates profits, there will naturally be a Pac-Man2. Then there will be squawking from Hollywood to make a Mrs. Pac-Man, because Patriarchy. Next on the hit parade will be live-action Mickey Mouse, Pepe le Pew (in smell-a-vision), and Bugs Bunny, featuring Wile E Coyote in real life thousand foot drops. Nobody gets hurt.


In a move you'd expect from Amazon, UPS denied a driver's request for a fan, in dangerous heat. Apparently they already denied his request for air conditioning in the truck.

UPS said the incident "should never have occurred."  Agreed.

Further, UPS is very sorry (for getting caught). They will do everything within their power to see that this never happens again (they don't get caught again). Meanwhile, approval has been granted for a paper towel, upon request.


President Biden's approval rating is at 40%, the highest in months. When informed, Biden said, "That's good, right? It's better than half!"


This Maine Coon cat is Big Pussy

look at the SIZE of that thing....


Bruce Springsteen is against corporate greed, unless it's his ticket prices

If Springsteen and Seinfeld were in a sinking boat and you could only save one, which would it be?

The oars are your best bet - they're made out of sturdy wood. 


About the military's F-35F-35 Stealth planes.

Turns out they were made by Tesla. Most are all being recalled due to faulty ejector seats. They won't necessarily eject when asked politely.

I kid: if they were made by Tesla, they would eject pilots randomly.

This plane is hideously expensive and had a very difficult time being ready for use. But that's ok, it's only money, going to the Military Industrial Complex.





 

Thursday, August 11, 2022

Not While You're Under My House You Won't

 

Your love is like  very old escargot


No, really, it's a small electric device that you stick up your nose to trim your nose hair. Yeah, I guess it could be used as a small vibrator too, provided you're very careful....



Today I identify as right handed


Sometimes I'm glad that I'm a lefty guitar player, and a picky one at that. If I were a righty, I could buy tons of guitars everywhere I went. So I'm limited by stock, availability, and pickiness. Otherwise I'd be broke from guitar buying, as opposed to healthcare, groceries, vacuums, and hamster pr0n.


You know what's great about being a (pretend) adult?

  1. Yoo Hoo juice boxes for breakfast
  2. ice cream for dinner
  3. you only have to pretend to be an adult every so often
  4. you can download hamster pr0n and have nobody to blame but yourself when you 'forget' to sleep
  5. you can drive as fast as you want, and don't have to wear seatbelts, unless your stupid car beeps at you. It beeps at the dog too.

On the other hand....
  1. you have to go shopping.... sometimes at CostCo
  2. you can't stay home from funerals/weddings (same thing) as much
  3. taxes
  4. Wife hasn't learned to kiss it and make it better
  5. when you're bleeding out and there are no bandages, it's your own damn fault

NASA to send prototype robot surgeon into space
Research is being funded for a 2024 launch.

I foresee problems:
  • surgeon returns to Earth when it discovers there are no golf courses in space
  • cost to operate rises yearly, with no hope in sight
  • Obamacare won't pay for it
  • with up to four occupants in the ISS at a time, it's still 3 hours late
  • even though programmed by normies, it still speaks over the heads of the astronauts
  • no matter how they tried, they couldn't program in a personality


Researchers built a bartending robot that could engage in personalized interactions with humans

What'll it be?
gimme a beer 
We have 243 different kinds. Can you be more specific?
with a screw top 
One Bud Lite, coming up. Sir, what's the point in squirrel piss lite?
I'm countin my calories 
I think you'd do better laying off the fast food and candy, then you could enjoy regular old squirrel piss.
Gee, thanks. 
Sir, you look upset. Women trouble?
How did you know?
I may look like a psychic, but without women troubles, bars across the world would close. What's up with you?
She spends all her time sniping and yelling at me
I see. What else?
the boom boom has dried up
mmmmmm... anything else?
She never wants to go anywhere with me 
Ah, I see. Sir, you have what we long-time bartenders call marriage. There's no reason to feel so glum. It's like that for everybody. And if they say it's not, they're lying.
wow... this is normal? 
Yes
that puts a whole new spin on things
63.7% of marriages end in divorce. 63.8% of Philly drivers don't have insurance.
you don't say
I did say, do you not listen? How's your job?
sucks, but there's no real change there, in the industry
I have a tip for you: buy chips stocks. And bartender robot stocks.
what's really getting to me lately is that there's no left handed history month
Yes, that gets to 10-11% of the population.
ideas? Yer pretty smart.
No, you're fscked. Nobody really cares about you. If you had a way to make everybody feel guilty, you'd have real power. But you're fscked. See that game last night?
don't even go there. I lost big. Did you know there was an AI bot let loose on Twitter and within two weeks, it turned into a racist nazi?
I can read, you wop.
how do you know I'm Italian?
Your wife's mustache. Belgium.
Belgium?
Belgium.
Say - who do you think you are, saying Belgium to a customer? I have half a mind to talk to your boss.
You have half a mind, period. Plus, if you think I'm an asshole, wait til you meet him.

So there might be a little tuning required.


 

Qantas asks executives to work as baggage handlers for three months

This is due to a labor shortage. There was no mention of whether or not they'd receive baggage handler salaries. 

But this is a pretty good idea regardless, especially for the executives that did not come up through the ranks (oh, more or less, approximately, just about, all of them). All executives need humility, assuming they don't come equipped with it (they don't). This exercise also provides working knowledge of the operations, to allow better decisions (how to cut costs so executives get bigger raises and parachutes). To have face-to-face encounters with customers - the lifeblood of the company (and go screaming back to their offices, cuz people are the worst of the worst). 

  • Johnson - I said no ties. This is the second time you got yours caught in the luggage belt.
  • Yes, if you hurt in a certain place, get a doctor's note and a truss.
  • Smith - stop opening the suitcases and looking for goodies. That's the TSA's job.
  • No, it's not catered.
  • No, the baggage handlers do not have two hour liquid lunches. Or hot assistants. Where do you come up with this stuff?
  • No, you cannot hire somebody to do your janitorial job.
  • It is considered bad form to take a call while holding up the lights to steer the plane.
  • You do NOT line up the baggage mover with the plane and point it at the ground, to watch all the suitcases crash (where anyone can see you).



lefty outs himself 

I am a lesbian; I like to sleep with women.

if you're Italian or have good taste, you might want to skip this....

I have had lasagna from all over the place, all the way down to frozen. My favorite is frozen Stouffers. I can hear the collective sighs and BOOs. It's just that... to be honest, I don't like much. I definitely don't like most cheese. The stuff they put in their lasagna is mild and inoffensive. I'd rather not have sausage - just beef-like substance. If someone would go to the considerable trouble to make me fresh lasagna, I'd disappoint them horribly and feel terrible. Mrs. lefty eats 45 cheese alfredo. I scream and run. She eats XXX parmesan. I have to make sure it doesn't get within 6' of my food. It doesn't matter, because the wind will blow it right onto me, making my food inedible. I call it sock cheese because it smells like it was marinated in used socks, with old fish. The odd thing is the dog will eat it. I'm always the odd man out. Or just the odd man.


You might not know this, but I have temporary control of the weather.
No, really.
When we're out walking, her cigarette smoke will always blow in my direction. If I walk to the other side of her, the wind will blow the other way. This was verified by a group of people who verify this sort of thing. They walk around with expensive equipment to see which way the wind is blowing. I asked why they need expensive equipment, when they can plainly see the smoke always travels the most efficient route to my nose. Although I do like having these people around me, with their instruments, because it makes me look impotent. Important. Something.


--> Awwww... RIP Olivia Newton-John - Australia's sweetheart


Broadcast tv (and radio) is dead, but nobody has thought to bury it yet.
This has been driven home by Cleopatra. How, you ask, does a great historical figure affect something thousands of years in the future? It's the bleeding movie with Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. It goes on for hours and hours. And hours. And then some hours. This is not an exaggeration... it's a lonnnnng film, made longer by actually having to watch it. While even I can appreciate the acting, I can't appreciate it longer than about an hour at a time. Unfortunately I live with someone who can watch it daily, and the tv networks oblige her by airing it daily. This is the same network. So I'm sitting there, minding my own business, ripping the hearts out of romaine, and I ask what we were going to watch. When she says "Cleopatra," I shake my head, while visions of napping sail around my head. I could tell her I was going to sleep, mow, or cheat, and she wouldn't notice. The problem is that she only sees bits of it at a time, because her buttocks do not stay attached to the sofa cushions for more than five minutes at a time. So she tells me she misses parts of it and has to 'watch' it again. Since she's a lot smarter than me, it might be a plot to get me to do housework, rather than be a party to yet another screening of the half-day-long theatrical extravaganza. 

Smart she is. The other day I replaced some overhead lights older than me. There was only one guy in the store that sounds like Rome Depot that even knew what I was talking about. And he was likely to retire because old age and senility were setting in. You see, my house was put together by drunk monkeys, that firmly did not believe in standards. While 18" (3 grams Canadian) is the standard space between studs, it was treated as more of a loose guideline. Fortunately we located a replacement kit that looked like it would fit, plus Rome Depot has a liberal return policy, according to Wife. I told her we're not liberals, but she said we were continuing, undaunted. The only problem, as I saw it, was that the light kits had to be installed. This is a problem that has repeatedly raised its ugly head since we moved in.  As if that weren't enough, the kit had the wrong electrical connector (of course), necessitating yet another trip to the Depot. Never having even supervised the installation of such a major piece of construction, I started to get nervous when I saw the 6" kit was for 5" or 6". How can 5" = 6", unless it's a guy talking about his junk? 

You cannot buy incandescent light kits anymore - they're all LED. 99% of them require a separate power box to be installed. If I have to stand on a ladder and put something in the ceiling, I'm not doing extra work. Fortunately we found the single unit that didn't require a power box. Do you know some of these kits come with remote controls so you can change colors of the lights or make them blink so they cause seizures in epileptics? I couldn't bear a light with a remote control, but we got one with six settings. What does this mean? It says something about warmth. Since LEDS don't have much warmth, I checked the manual. The smart manual writers, just like me, have no clue about light warmth, so they simply told everyone how to switch the warmth, of which there were about 35 settings.  I asked Wife, who admitted roughly the same amount of knowledge on light warmth as the manual writers (none). Being from Texas, I just went with the biggest setting, cuz everything's bigger (and brighter, apparently) in Texas.

I was pretty damn proud of myself. It wasn't falling out of the ceiling, and I only had two or three wires left over, plus a bunch of hardware that looked kinda irrelevant. The real shock came when I turned it on: it was damn bright. I was beside myself, which is a very strange thing to see. Mrs. lefty was beyond words, which is a once in a lifetime event. When she recovered, she went over the installation again, to make sure I didn't have other people come in to install it for me. Satisfied that I actually did something the job, she proceeded to shower me with praise. Because you have to provide positive feedback when your child performs a task, so they'll do it again next time. I hear there's a party being planned for me. The only problem is that I'm both antisocial and introverted, so I hate parties. I suggested another guitar instead - after all, it's been two whole years since the last one. 

There's only one more fixture to replace.
And trash to take out.
And mowing.
And some light in the basement, which we haven't actually seen since we moved in; Jimmy Hoffa is buried there.



Almost every Ferrari sold since 2005 is being recalled

Apparently they were terribly jealous of Tesla and wanted to make a real splash. Unfortunately it's only possible brake failure.



 Serena Williams may be retiring from tennis after the US Open

Needs to keep exercising or her thighs will go from the size of telephone poles to merely huge.



Question Time 

Burger King just sent spam receipts to customers

The question is not about who sent the emails, the question is why Burger King has your email address.

California accuses Tesla of false advertising over Autopilot

it very plainly states it's an assist, not an auto-driver

 

Umm.. both of these issues could have been avoided with common sense and personal responsibility, which the legal system has been trying to stamp out for hundreds of years. If you don't give your email address to Burger King and don't use Autopilot to drive your car by itself, the point would be moot. It's not like there haven't been any articles about Teslas hitting things (or exploding). If you're gonna spend north of 50 grand for something, you might want to take a minute to RTFM (read the manual).

It's not that we don't learn, it's that we won't learn. Look at the number of people who think Windows is the only operating system and their computers won't function without it. Look at the people who click on everything. Who give up privacy and security without a thought.







Monday, August 8, 2022

The Emotional Support Elephant Hating on Hate Speech

 

Your love is like  a botched penile implant


Biden administration declares monkeypox outbreak a public health emergency

Thank God.... we haven't had a PANIC in months! Somebody wake Fauci!


Today I identify as  pregnant



  • Hallmark: when you want the person to know you spent a lot of money on their card



Eating Out  

Stop it, you perverts.

Since the One True Pizza sold out, we've been forced to widen our search for food we like. There's so little of it. Today we went to a diner. The thing that confused me, and there are many, is that they were not open for dinner. They closed at three. I was impressed that we were sat immediately. Unfortunately, I forgot to ask for the No Screaming Child Section, and were sat right next to a squalling little ankle biter. We ask for this section on planes too, with the same result. Most scream, but a few kick the seats too. Heaven forbid you say something, then the parents get an attitude, like it's your fault for complaining. 

"They're babies - babies make noise."

Then take your car, or  the bus, where everybody does something strange, and at least one person thinks he's a deity, usually Jesus. Let's say you're a musician, or a drummer. You bring your drums onto a plane and play them throughout the flight. People are going to complain, possibly physically. 

"They're drums - drums make noise."

It doesn't work in either case. If they make noise, they don't belong in an enclosed space, where people are already amped up and on the brink of murder. You've seen the Bad Behavior on Planes videos on YouTube. I once had a flight cross-country, wherein there was no noise beyond light conversation. Of course I had to pay extra, but the airlines are raping scrounging for anything they can get. Excess bag fees? Bad Haircut fees?

So we're sitting in our booth and notice not only is there a screaming child, but the entire restaurant is LOUD. How is a whole restaurant loud? Captain Fixit here is looking around, trying to figure this out. There are a lot of hard surfaces, plus people talking. The good Captain then starts to wonder how to fix the problem. The immediate solution would be to tell people to just SHUT UP. I discussed this with a waitress once, who agreed with me, but lamented it would be her last day if she made that request. So I'm looking at the walls and ceiling, figuring they had to put some sound absorption materials there, when it occurred to me: so far, only the waitress and I were complaining. So much for that bright idea. I suggested we come back at five. Wife said they're closed at three. Exactly. There should be a sign outside that says, "WARNING: it's flipping LOUD inside. Every table has been provided with a decibel meter, and if the noise gets louder than 120 decibels (equivalent to a plane taking off or a Metallica concert), you could request to be moved to a table less lethal to hearing in general. Earplugs would also be provided, at no cost.

The kitchen was slooow. But the servers were on the ball. In fact, there were waitresses walking around refilling coffee (perhaps to offset the kitchen). I'm very easily impressed.  After a few hours, the food arrived. To our shock, the order was completely correct. And good. The real fun came as we were done. Mrs. lefty had to go outside, probably to smoke a ciggie or four, so I'm left paying the check. Unfortunately, the first step here is getting the check. I had four offers to refill my coffee before our waitress stopped by. One asked if I wanted my oil changed. To keep us waiting a little longer, no one mentioned whether we should pay up front or wait for at least six offers of coffee refills before we paid the waitress.

They should change their sign: THE LOUD RESTAURANT. FREE REFILLS. Often.


*Mrs. lefty was in a position to see the very loud children. When the very loud dad shouted at them, they got very quiet and their heads went down. Mrs. lefty said there was abuse in that family. ThermionicEmissions does not tolerate child abuse of any kind. We're not really even fond of kids, but there will be no abuse.


 Overheard 

"Apparently, the woman can disguise herself as a normal human being when she has to."


 

Work has a Flying AIDS rating, stated in a very confusing manner: green, yellow, and red. It just went to red. I was going to ask, if the level is red, do I have to wear a mask at home, but just don't have the heart. Since I'm married, social distancing isn't a problem.



The senate passed the climate bill.

Schumer said it was a game changer. That alone should get him impeached.

The size and cost of this bill ($369 billion) is second only to the rolling heart attack that is the budget bill. The bill passes to the House next. Rest assured it will be a boon for manufacturers, at least via credits. Plus pork, of course.


Experian is the target of a class action suit, as they should be; this time for failing to secure accounts. They should be out of business for so many reasons. I'm sure this slap on the wrist will be most severe, and the lawyers will become rich.



Apple is thinking of removing the headphone jack on its next entry-level iPad.

Down the line, they might also remove the screen.



Hackers Exploit Twitter Vulnerability to Exposes 5.4 Million Accounts

meh - what's 5.4 million? Maybe Elon had a point....


 China is allowing robo taxis - without backup drivers

I see what you're doing, China. This is a population reduction scheme....


 The president left the White House for the first time since he had the Flying AIDS.

He got lost jogging, and it took the Secret Service two hours to find him


 

Alex Jones must pay $4.1 million compensatory and $45 million punitive damages, a jury found. There may be a cap in place to lower the punitive sum.

All because he said words. He said Sandy Hook was a hoax. 

This is horrible for the First Amendment.  It's not like he slandered or libeled the couple that sued. The articles I've read do nothing to explain how you can sue for somebody saying something. An extremely brief discussion of lawyers on Court TV led to the assumption that you can absolutely sue, but they were not clear on reasons. I'm going to have to go against the lawyers and come down on the side of the First Amendment. Regardless of whether or not I like what Jones said, I stand for his ability to say it.


 

Fecal fountains: CDC warns of diarrheal outbreaks linked to poopy splash pads

The CDC did something that didn't involve the Flying AIDS or PANIC? They're losing focus.

It took a while to figure out what splash pads are 

The CDC recommends you Don't Drink the Water, swim in your own pool, wipe well, and do not visit Mexico.




 


Thursday, August 4, 2022

Anvils Alfredo in Auckland

 

Your love is like  douche cookies


 RIP Uhura - Nichelle Nichols dead at 89

Hailing frequencies closed for 24 hours, in her honor 



Today I identify as  Cousin Itt




Shopping Shenanigans 


they got everything except the condoms


What kind of sex are they having?

At the supermarket, I watched a guy pull out five carts to find one that meets his specifications. Retarded carts aside, the internal voices were screaming, "OCD, OCD!" but then the voices stopped. I realized this is the guy I want managing the national debt. He'd have it down to nothing in no time.



Alice Cooper (Vincent Furnier) lives in Scottsdale, AZ, and when not on tour, plays a lot of golf. What kind of rock star life is golf? Think about it: Ted Nugent shoots stuff, Zakk Wylde eats babies, Ozzy has to contend with his family... Alice plays golf. It seems there's just nothing left to believe in.


Uvalde School District Claims It Doesn't Possess Video Taken Day of School Shooting

It seems too silly to call this a coverup. More like a calamity of incompetence. First they didn't want to release the video, now there is no video. This is a disgrace to those lost and their families. It also means there's some gross incompetence here.



Google Maps added a tag to identify Asian-owned businesses. Before your group gets its panties in a knot, there are existing tags for women-led businesses, veteran, black, and Latino. What is women-led? Who owns it?

In any case, Google has been petitioned for several additional tags

  • women-owned homes - displaying every one of them
  • women-led homes - just do what she says, ok?
  • businesses with over 75% left handed employees
  • one-armed-owner businesses
  • one testicle-owner businesses
  • stores that don't vacuum as often as they should
  • owner has a mustache (does not specify male or female)
  • Asians that identify as black businesses
  • owners that have been to the ER at least once for an accident involving their rectum


So Houston has a gun buyback. This is a bizarre concept by which the locals are encouraged to bring in their guns for money. This is a strange instance of magic thinking, under which crime will go down if innoced ent people bring in their guns. Some enterprising person made 3D guns and earned himself $3,000; the only true winner that day.



In the Parkland school shooting trial, the judge gave the jurors instructions on behavior at the school, which they're about to visit. She asked if there were any questions. I would have asked if, when the trial is over, Judge Hottie would like to join me for ice cream and Things. This may be why I keep getting turned down for jury duty.

If you keep getting picked, you can always buy the new Charlie Manson Jury Duty Avoidance Kit!
Yes, if you're just an average citizen and want to get out of jury duty (without yelling "GUILTY - HANG THE N*GGER"), you can use the subtle tactics contained in the Kit, such as
  • stick on swastika for your forehead
  • "I put the squeaky in Fromme"  t-shirt
  • "Piggies must die" t-shirt
  • phrases like: "Kill the rich", "But I am Jesus," "Of course I'd kill them all again, given the chance," and "Got a knife sharpener? This one can barely stab a pregnant woman."
Yes, kids, pick up your very own Charles Manson Jury Duty Avoidance Kit today.
Not available in stores! Not available on the internet! Not available at all!


  • Why is it called the clap?


I think the waiting period for marriage should exceed the waiting period for a gun. One is lethal, the other can shoot people.



Equifax software bug messed up credit score calculations for weeks

Ooh, this is gonna be another serious slap on the wrist.




Inflating spider corpse creates robotic claw game of nightmares

An hour after pigs’ deaths, an artificial system restored cellular life

It's the fscking zombie apocalypse!  




Queensland shooting: Three killed on remote Australian property

That's impossible - they are not allowed to own guns.



China fires missiles near Taiwan after Pelosi visit

They should try to target their targets before they move.
just sayin.....



Shell staff get profits bonus as energy bills soar

Irony reared its ugly head today, when Shell staff could not afford their own gas.



The president tested positive for the Flying AIDS again.

He said it likes him so much, it came back. His approval rating with Covid is higher than the American people. 


 





Monday, August 1, 2022

Misery is its Own Reward

 

Your love is like  peanut butter and motor oil


Where was the last California Congressional junket to?

To New York, to visit the Statute of Limitations 


Today I identify as  a lesbian little person of Jewish ancestry in the KKK



Murder Hornets, otherwise known as Asian Giant Hornets, have changed names, of course to avoid bias. They will now be known as Potentially Life-Ending Hornets.

No, seriously, apparently Asian Giant Hornets causes worry about anti-Asian hate. If you think about this, there's going to be a lot more name-changing going on....

  • American cars will henceforth be referred to as Fat Bloated Capitalistic Government-Supported vehicles, so as to not offend any country that isn't America
  • Maine maple syrup will be known as Canadian-offshoot maple syrup, because other states can't make maple syrup and they're jealous
  • Swiss cheese will be called Holey cheese. Sharp provolone will be called OOF, get that away from my nose
  • Brazil nuts are now Look at That Ass nuts
  • Russian dressing will continue to be ignored, because it tends to invade your salad (and the salad at the next table)
  • Polish kielbasa will be referred to as kielbasa, to combat the perception that kielbasa is stupid
  • African elephants will just be called Frank, to combat anti-elephant bias


Yesterday my work Windows laptop rebooted. It warned me and allowed me one postponement. Did I want to stop working so the defective operating system could reboot? No. Did it allow me to wait til the day was done to reboot? No. Did I have to re-bring everything up that I was working on? Yes. Is Bill Gates a war criminal, just for this alleged operating system? You betcha.



Google’s Nest Will Provide Data to Police Without a Warrant

Isn't that sweet? Your doorbell is now an agent of Big Brother (not your tv)

Why, oh why, do I dislike video doorbells so? 


 

WHO declares monkeypox an international emergency as child cases raise alarm

Be fair - the Flying AIDS panic is winding down and we haven't had a single PANIC request in weeks.....



Russia said it will be pulling out of the International Space Station in two years. This turned out to be propaganda, as it then invaded the Space Station, taking the American astronauts as prisoners of war. When news of the invasion got out. all other countries rushed together to do nothing at the UN. Several countries went as far as to condemn (strongly) the invasion.

The invasion was quickly put to rest when the American astronauts reminded the Russians that they control the air and water systems, and they could disconnect from the Russian module at any time. Despite this, Putin was heard to cry, "INVADE INVADE INVADE!"



Wildfires Are Setting Off 100-Year-Old Bombs on WWI Battlefields

Biden blames climate change and puts together a $100 billion aid package for Argentina and Canada.

 In the meantime, don't step on the aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh

Meanwhile, the military industrial complex petitioned Congress to invade a few more countries, pointing out how safe their bombs are.


165 Government Staffers Beg Biden to Do Something, Anything on Climate

No no no no... don't do anything. Every time Biden does something, it costs billions 



Pelosi Taiwan visit: Beijing vows consequences if US politician travels to island

This is a very shrewd move on America's part. Send her to Taiwan and she'll bankrupt them in short order. She'll then use inside information to benefit her husband and friends. It's pure genius. She could be the secret weapon to end all secret weapons.

Unfortunately, Beijing threatened to use an ICBM on her when she lands.


Tesla driver using Autopilot kills motorcyclist, prompting another NHTSA investigation

It's been a long time since we had any explosive (sorry) Tesla news.
If you think about it, Tesla could charge extra for this. How many times has a rider been a real asshole on the road?

Mrs. lefty mentioned she thinks Teslas are really cool. I told her never to drive one, and never to even walk by a parked one, for fear of explosion and fire.

Elon Musk is the only man on the planet who can charge you that kind of sticker price for that kind of danger. Inside Tesla, they refer to the cars as the old game show, "You Bet Your Life."



It's been a good vacation for you: I haven't complained about the weather for weeks. That's over.

I don't have a problem with summer, even when it's humid (roughly 6-7 days a week). However, it's been in the 90s all week and it's been every bit as gloomy as any other time of the year. It's like Mother Nature is having a hell of a chuckle at our expense. If we had a Father Nature, things would be different. When clouds tried to come out, he'd yell, "Sit down and shut up or I'm going to come back there."


A female basketball player got caught in Russia with some CBD. All the usual excuses (I didn't know it was in there, I was rushed, etc). A legal consultant opined that the legal systems are different in Russia and America. In Russia, if you're caught with it, you're guilty. Not so in America.

Think about that for a second. I know what he meant, but.... in America. a defense can be paid for that will convince a jury you didn't have the CBD.

Secondarily, it looks like the WNBA player and another fellow will be traded from Russia, for a terrorist to be announced later. Only because she was a sports star. The other gentleman was not a sports star and has been in Russia for four years. Deplorable.

Greetings to Paul McCartney and Jimi Hendrix, both caught with pot at airports.



  • Yeet?


I wanted to toot my own horn (on my own blog) and celebrate leaving two things unsaid this week!  I'm so excited. You have no idea how difficult it is to not say something. Especially when she's wrong and I have to correct her. It's a very difficult skill I heard about recently and I'm trying hard to pick it up. This is made doubly difficult because someone told me I have ODD - Oppositional Defiant Disorder (NO I DON'T!). 



It was great to be allowed out of the house this past weekend. Wife and the local police OK'd it because I gave 30 days' notice. It was a real adventure, as are most of my outings.

Cashiers and employees of stores are tired of hearing "It's not priced, so it must be free." It never occurs to them that they wouldn't have to hear it once if someone actually priced the items. I saw a mannequin with what I was looking for, only the item was nowhere to be found. I found a similar item, on a huge display. It looked perfect. It was not priced. None of the 347 items on the display were priced. And they want to know why people shop online. Nor was there a price above the pegs. I think they wanted us to guess. Or complain to the cashier. The joke, however, was on the shopper, because most of the checkout lanes were self-check. Think of all the savings because they don't have to pay cashiers. What? The savings don't trickle down to the customers?  Oh.

The donut place was closed. What kind of donut place is closed when I drive to it?
We were hot and thirsty and desperately in need of an icy coffee drink or something. Unfortunately there was only a Starbucks. We stood in line for ten minutes before someone behind the counter told the ten of us that we were in the wrong line. Gee, thanks. When we finally had our turn, it was frappucino time. Of course I'm just kidding - they couldn't make frappucinos. They must've run out of ice or something. Or lids. It must've been a supply chain issue. Maybe there was no water to make the ice. Maybe there was no one there who knew how to make one. The drink is only about 25 years old, so not everybody is familiar with it. There was a large ICEE machine, but it was off, like most of the employees.

Let me break for a moment and say something kind about yoga pants: just because you can wear them, doesn't mean you should wear them. But G-Bus, if you had seen her and her incredible exhaust system, your head would have exploded (and that's just the women). Poetry has been written about the back side of her front. Wars were about to be fought. It spoke without speaking. I could have been arrested for what I was thinking. Mrs. lefty shook her head and said "if you've got it, work it. I never looked like that in my life, even at her age." The problem, as I explained it, was the female next to her, all 300lbs of her, in her yoga pants (size: industrial). Don't they have mirrors where these people come from? Very popular in the heat are the shirts that don't come all the way down to the waist. They're very good for showing off your tummy, whether it's flat or you have so much flab, it's hanging past your waist anyway.

Because somebody hit the Summer Switch, it's been in the 90s for weeks. I'm not complaining, except when I get in the car. All of my private parts get singed when I sit on the seat. We needed one of those spring-loaded windshield covers. The store manager was in one of those moods again, so he rearranged the store. None of the customers could find a single thing. This is a 2 floor store, so it was a big, fun job. During the process, the elevator broke, making it difficult to reach the second floor; we're just not that tall. But wait - there's an escalator. And right next to the escalator is an escalator for your cart (I'm not making this up).  Of course it too was broken, but it's the thought counts.  We waited for a few minutes for the Man Who Could Start the Escalator to stop by and start the escalator. I wonder if he had to go away for training or was it on-the-job training? He masterfully inserted the key and it started right up. If you're really bored, you can make it look like the cart is racing the people, complete with color commentary (and the cart is pulling slightly ahead, but loses the advantage to the shopper around the first turn). This comes in handy when people are terrified of escalators, or just really confused in general.

We went for the auto section, only to find it moved. Somewhere. I have to give them credit - it was well-hidden. Not so much as a sign. Why there was an entire aisle of general auto things, most of them missing from the shelves (supply chain issues, you know). The windshield shields had a prominent position in the auto aisle, and you could have any size or color you wanted, so long as it was the one they had.

As much as we like to get out on weekends, we decided staying in might be better. I have modified my requests to the police for once a month instead of weekly. At home, we made the best of our time, shopping online. We managed to find some of what we wanted but one of us felt left out. That's right, Mrs. lefty and I were sitting next to each other with the laptop, and the dog wasn't having any of it. Hell hath no fury like a cocker ignored.

DAD, DAD, DAD, DAD, I can help. How about if I jump up and shoehorn myself between the two of you so I can help you shop?

MOM, MOM, MOM.... here's what you want - I'll hit the keyboard with a paw so you know what to buy! No, you really need THIS one. 

Maybe it would make you feel better if I licked your nose for a bit.

Seeing that this didn't seem to help, she jumped off the couch. We were finally left in peace to shop (no we weren't). One minute later there's a dog with a toy, banging it against my leg. Banging it against my leg repeatedly, because maybe I didn't notice it the first time. The banging will continue until I grab the toy and play tug-of-war with it.

Finally the aggravation of being ignored for moments at a time was too much, so she had no choice but to sit at our feet and make strange noises. MOM DAD don't you see me here? Give me some tuna or something. Let me HELP. I'm very helpful. If you want, I could hump a pillow or something. Rub my belly, please. I want to go outside. I don't have to, I just want to. Stop what you're doing and PAY ATTENTION TO ME.

Each year, dogs kill 14% of Amazon's bottom line.












Friday, July 29, 2022

Yes, That's a Vacuum, and Yes, it's Stuck

 

Your love is like  a soap sandwich



Chess robot breaks seven-year-old boy's finger during Moscow Open

Perhaps it knew the child was cheating.... They've become sentient.


 Today I identify as  Margaret Thatcher



South Carolina lawmakers want to banish abortion talk from the Internet

They've gone completely nuts, you know. This is a clear violation of the First Amendment, says your blogger/amateur lawyer. Even if it were to pass, this is state legislation and cannot be allowed to affect any other state. That should be an interesting technical solution. Brought to you by the Bible Belt.



Japan's police to take measures after wild monkey rampages

Hey, we just replaced the police tranquilizer darts with bullets. Let's see if they notice the difference.

Monkey soup, monkey fry, monkey ice cream.... target practice for the police (citizens aren't allowed arms, yet somebody just shot the ex-leader).

 

Lawmakers tell Facebook to stop deleting abortion posts for no reason

but... that would go against the narrative!


 Roe v Wade: Abortion pills a new front in culture wars


"We want to see the states across America move to make abortion unavailable and unthinkable," she said.

I want the states across America to make your group's dribble unthinkable


I support you if you like your beer - so many seem to. I don't. I can't even drink half a bottle. My high school friends loved beer and told me 'you learn to like it.' If you have to put in that kind of work, perhaps it's best I stuck with YooHoo. Many years later, I have still failed to like beer. I tried all sorts of varieties, even chocolate peanut butter, and I don't like any of them.  I might have liked plain chocolate, but couldn't find any. It's better this way; I save a lot of money not buying any.

Next up, wine. It may come as a shock that I don't like wine either. Ok, there's chocolate wine, but that's it. Red, white, green, I'm not fond of it. This saves me even more money than beer. I like the sweet sparkling ones, like Asti Spumanti. People seem to have this innate knowledge of which wind goes with what. Ok, I'll play along - which wine goes with sitting on the couch for a couple hours? Which one for web surfing? Tuning up your car? Plumbing? Bowel surgery?  Most of my family loves wine, naturally, except me. I'm the fuchsia sheep of the family. After asking them for tips, I'm even more lost. I toured wine country, frustrating winery employees across the area. One day we went to the Jelly Belly factory. It's like I was finally home. I didn't have to learn to like them. They were sweet. They cost even more than wine ($12lb?). I developed a bit of a problem with their hot cinnamon variety, but after a short stay at Betty Ford, I'm ok. Slightly ok. 

It should come as no surprise that I like sweet alcohol. I drink like a girl. My current favorite is a frozen strawberry margarita (sugar around the rim). Or anything with Godiva chocolate liquor (I honestly try not to drink it from the bottle). When it comes down to it, I'm not a huge alcohol fan. Mrs lefty is in agreement. She says why does she need alcohol or drugs when she is already out of her mind.


Warning:

  • people with bipolar disorder should not take SSRI antidepressants. It could cause rapid-cycling
  • women taking birth control pills and antibiotics need to use condoms. Antibiotics cut the efficacy of the pill
  • grapefruit has weird effects with a lot of stuff
  • sex cures most ills (except inability to have sex)


Few know this, but Albert Einstein was a little dyslexic.
What he meant to write was E=MC3. His estate is sorry for the error.


Cats Are An Alien Invasive Species, Poland Declares

Only Poland? What about the internet?


 Our friends at Google have done it again. Rather, they have not done anything. Ten million apps have been found to contain malware. I believe Google is large enough to have a serious lab to test the apps, yet they only respond when a security company discovers the issue. I'm an android-head but I don't use Play for my apps. There are a number of others, including aptoide.com and apkmirror.com. Clean apps, no Google spying.


Best thing overheard:

She had sex with a man, decapitated him, and left his head in a bucket in his mom's basement.


FDA’s top tobacco scientist takes job at Marlboro-maker Philip Morris

jeez - didn't see that one coming...


 President Biden has tested negative for the Flying AIDS and will leave isolation. When asked for comment, Biden said, "But I liked all that plastic around me, and quite frankly, I'm terrified of Jill. What was the question?"



spend, tax, spend, tax, Joe Manchin stuns Washington by announcing support for a measure to raise taxes and fight climate changespend, tax,  spend, tax,  spend, tax,  spend, tax,  spend, tax,  spend, tax,  spend, tax,  spend, tax,  spend, tax,  spend, tax 

Hey Joe: How about that debt?
Meh- I'll be dead long before anybody notices it.



Florida Man Arrested Trying to Warn Space Force Base of Alien-Dragon War

He heard the voice of the president in his head, telling him to do it.
The guy must be really stupid. If I heard the president in my head, and he made sense, I'd know it was fake.

The president also told him to steal a truck.

We know this couldn't be true because the president would only tell him to steal an electric vehicle, because climate change.



California, The Silliest State, Can Now Auto-Detect Racist Language in Housing Deeds, HOA Rules and Have It Removed

  • Yeah, they're serious about going after the Big Stuff. Yeah, there's pollution and Pelosi, but they're after something bigger.

This Town Closed Its Only Library After Residents Chased Out LGBTQ+ Workers

I think it's fake news. These people can't read - what would they be doing at a library?

Wait til they find out that some of the contestants on The Masked Furry are gay.... and some people who work at Budweiser.



I met a guy who did Civil War reenactment. This was fascinating to me, for a number of reasons.

Me: I mean no disrespect but I'm curious as to why you do Civil War reenactment.
Him: Among other things, it was a simpler time. I'm fond of it.
Me: That's really interesting.  [are you fscking nuts?] 
Him: The slower pace, more social interaction, and more.
Me: [I was right. You're fscking nuts] Dude, we have lots of social interaction. Aren't you on Faceyspaces and Twatter? When we have slower days, we start sniping at each other, bored and frustrated, and we wind up arguing.
Him: You can look people in the eye.
Me: [AAAAAAAAAH - PEOPLE!]  I see, pardon the pun.
Him: It was a slower time.
Me: Like when the mall's closed?
Him: There were no malls.
Me: How did they buy stuff? No food court? Amazon?
Him: They traded or sold. The closest we had to a food court was someone else's house.
Me: Again, no offense, but why reenact the Civil War? You could reenact life at the time, jobs at the time, politics, or something less serious, like slavery.
Him: Like everybody else, we like shooting stuff. Even with black powder.
Me: You could always go to the 50s and reenact malt shops. Then shoot real rifles. They had non-wool clothes, so you didn't itch like you had a sexually transmitted disease.
Him: It was a simpler time.
Me: It sure as hell was. The dog and I sleep well with air conditioning on my sleep number bed. I get up when my phone's alarm tells me, and drive where I need to go. For lunch I can go to any of 28 local restaurants. While working, the phone plays my favorite music. At home, I can microwave meals or heat them on the stove. Amplifiers make my guitar heard and can make it so loud, people in the next county call the police. I can have sex whenever I want, well, whenever she lets me, and she doesn't get pregnant because of an implant.  I don't have to walk to a mailbox because it comes to me electronically. And I can spend all my free time surfing pr0n. Tell me again about the benefits of a simpler time....


[Although I would like a cannon on the front lawn.]

Remember: if your neighbors aren't frightened and intimidated, you aren't doing your job.




I've been following the government and chipmakers' folly over $52 billion subsidy. That's fifty two BILLION tax dollars to subsidize chipmakers. Why again do we need to subsidize businesses? Yes, there are chip shortages, but why are we required to assist? If you want to give your money to the poor chipmakers, please, go ahead - I'd never dream of stopping you. We're already paying via higher chip prices; wanna pay more?  Watch the series of articles about getting the bill passed. Notice the naked influence of lobbying. Think of how much money changed hands.  Nobody even asked you for permission. You voted for him. If you didn't, you're stuck with him. #ImpeachBiden

Intel, other chipmakers boost lobbying spend to get CHIPS Act passed

Why $52b chip subsidies are being held up – and what the White House is doing about it

Congress continues playing hot potato with $52b CHIPS Act subsidies

Congress finally passes $52b subsidies for chip fabs on US soil




 

Tuesday, July 26, 2022

Anorexic Sumo Wrestling

 

Your love is like  Brillo sandwiches



Best Headline

I Got a Vasectomy and It’s Shockingly Easy and Pain Free

Second Best Headline

Is CERN Causing Collective Mass Delusion by Creating Portals to Alternate Dimensions?



Today I identify as  the aftermath of seven cups of coffee



Biden has the Flying AIDS

He is experiencing mild symptoms, like age-related dementia, hair loss, and wanting to be president after Obama's gone.

The Secret Service carries around a six foot Plexiglas shield, so the president can socially distance.

ThermionicEmissions wishes him a speedy recovery


I can't begin to explain how, but there was sumo wrestling on the tv the other night. Perhaps Wife wants to dump me for some wide, diapered meat.  The best part was that it was narrated by an Australian, for that authentic world feel.

I had never seen sumo wrestling for more than a single picture and was not allowed to change the channel or turn off the tv. Two freight trains charged at each other and one tried to floor the other. At some point, a ring referee, who wore an entire Asian clothing shop, ripped a tassel (or skirt) from a wrestler. No one knows why... might be some sort of mating ritual.

The sport lacked the spectacle (and VOLUME) of American wrestling. No belts or ring girls, or gold either. Not even a single script. As for a rating, I give both zero guitar strings.


Be Prepared - the Boy Scout motto

I think my new neighbor was a boy scout. While they are not visibly altering the outside or yard, they are back there, making sure their tools are prepared, by making them go BANG BANG BANG an awful lot, while I'm trying to work. 

While I appreciate the initiative.... 

I was a Cub Scout. If you drank enough of the kool aid, you went on to Boy Scouts.

Near me, in a wooded area, was an incredible mess of 3 tons of beer cans and other detritus, some drug-related. It's where all 'the kids' went to drink and smoke. The Scouts took a Saturday and went to clean it up. They knew to start early so the kids wouldn't show up and beat them up. Again.

This was my introduction to altruism. I didn't like it at all. In fact, I got up early that Saturday, sorry for being up early, then spontaneously called the leader and quit. The woods would take another few months to reach its current state, and I was damned if I was going to clean it (this time or again). It seemed stupid and misguided. Ironically, when I worked at the Twilight Zone<tm> they went to clean up a crack park. While I did not phone in my resignation, I reasoned that we clean the park, the addicts mess it up, then we clean it the next year. And we were proud of our service. I couldn't take the insanity and stayed home, sharpening the nails on our front steps.



As we know, I don't ask for much. All I wanted was some Coke or Dr. Pepper from the supermarket. Coke, if there is any, is over twice the price it was. You can have any of 8 flavors of Dr. Pepper, provided you don't want the original flavor. Last time there was a stack of my grapefruit soda taller than me. Not anymore.

So the problem is, as I see it, that we have no soda.

My foray into lemon water was to help cut down on soda. Since we can't buy soda, we've now gone Cold Turkey. I'm starting to shake all over. Pretty soon I'll have to go to the hospital, where they'll throw me in with the junkies. We'll walk around all day, asking for Coke. It's not going to be pretty.

Be thankful I'm not posting empty soda cans on Faceyspaces or Instagram. 


Second self-driving car accident happens in San Francisco WEEKS from last crash

Somebody from the actual company complained that they're not ready yet. Just like I said - not ready for prime time.

Interestingly, it crashed into a car that was doing 40 in a 25 zone. 


Mexican woman who had reported threats dies after being set on fire

Police report that the 2 events were not related


  • We never bought Greenland, did we?


Spanish bull run: Three dead in 24 hours in Valencia hospitals

WHO would be so stupid as to think letting bulls loose and running from them  would result in human casualties? Stay tuned for Lion Poking, Rhinoceros Threatening, and telling bad jokes to kangaroos.

There is no end to human stupidity.

 

Read NASA’s Internal Discussions of UFOs in Newly Released Documents

C'mon. The documents read like the phenomenon just started. We know for a fact that the first Moon shots had 'observers,' as well as many on the Space Station.  More UAP Theater.

 

The Pentagon Is Opening an 'Anomaly Resolution' Department to Study UFOs

but only the ones that come from the ocean.... if you think the Pentagon hasn't been worried about UFOs..... But this is also the group that didn't want to study them because they were satanic. We're paying for this group, you know.



DIY Collective Embeds Abortion Pill Onto Business Cards, Distributes Them At Hacker Conference

--> information wants to be free - there will always be a hack



Hacker selling Twitter account data of 5.4 million users for $30k

IF you have to sign up for something, don't give any details, or just make them up. Pay cash wherever possible. It's your information, guard it wisely.






Monday, July 25, 2022

2022 Summer Philly Guitar Show - the lefty Report

 

We took our twice-yearly religious pilgrimage to the guitar show. It's always best to go an hour or two after they open, at very least, because the line is beyond belief, and slow. As I pay, it flips me out that the blonde lady taking my money used to be a little squirt of a child, running around behind the table. Yeah, I've been going to guitar shows for quite a while. This one is run by Bee-3 Guitars.

It was a bit smaller than normal and the hall was changed. Whoever put up the signs has a drinking problem, so it took us a while to find the right hall. It was fun, as these things are supposed to be. There was something for everyone, from beginner Hello Kitty guitars to $45,000 vintage Stratocasters. Lots of new and old amps, from the latest Line 6 digital to the oldest Fender tweed Champs. Pedals, pickups, straps, screws, pickguards, and soda. There were even women. The history of women and guitar shows is long and storied. It was only really fun when booths hired hotties to walk about with guitars, but it went downhill from there. Sometimes you can spend hours looking at guitars without seen a single woman. Sometimes there are many. I was shocked talking to a female vendor, MUCH younger than me, about one of my guitars. The girl knew her stuff. It was nice to see someone who knew her stuff and was a female. It's only recently that this has started happening and I say go for it, provided you know your stuff. I'm speaking strictly professionally. As more people go to the shows, they bring their wives.

I was laughing with a vendor about a really expensive Komet head he had, and he suggested I throw 'the girl' in. The girl was Mrs. lefty, who thought it was hilarious. Other women might not. That's one of the reasons I married her. Mrs. lefty was very popular at the show. I stood back and watched people looking at her; it was kind of funny. I knew if I wanted something, all I had to do was send her to get it. I may get ignored, but she doesn't.

There was a huge used pedal dealer. I spent some time looking over his inventory and asked his opinion on how a certain artist got a certain tone - was it an envelope follower? He said yeah, that guy uses all sorts of distortions and filters. Ok then, I guess you don't have anything to sell me. He sure had a lot of pedals.

As far as lefties go, this was considerably better than the last show, where there was approximately one. While I didn't fall madly in love with any of them, there were two I liked, a Taylor acoustic and a Fender AVRI Strat with a killer soft-V neck. After discussions on this neck and a 58 Strat neck, I'm told I want a softer V neck - not regular V. My only choice in Fender is to go through Custom Shop (or find an affordable lefty 58 Strat - yeah, right).

Here's what I saw...


SG and Les Paul

a pair of Univibes with cases - pure unobtainium



Fender Masterbuilt SRV Lenny - $12k




you don't see a lot of lefty Bigsbys

lower line Martin

Tele, AVRI I liked, Player Strats



Taylor 214 CE xx12Uwhatever - great guitar, great neck



older lefty P-Bass

60th Anniversary Strat

how many lefty Gibson ES335s do you see?

used Martin DT1216GT(?)


Orville Les Paul

J-Bass

tiny Marshall

breathtaking inlay on Gibson J200



Ricks, Strats

John Lennon Epi




check out the color on this newer Tele


If you haven't been to a guitar show, you need to attend. If you have, you need to attend again.