It's the Bees' Proboscis

 

Your love is like  catching your nose in the blender

I can almost guarantee that there's not someone in your house, watching Three Faces of Eve, screaming at the tv that "YOU'RE WRONG," "STFU," and "I can do better than that."

Three Faces of Eve is an old movie about multiple personality disorder, starring Joanne Woodward. Joanne went on to star in Sybil, as the therapist for Sally Field's Sybil, who was multiple.

Today I identify as  canned air

We've all heard of some bad jobs, but what about the people at the Make A Wish type foundations? What must it be like when all your charges die? Do you need a wish yourself?

I watched the news last night, which is never a good idea.

It was kinda nice to see the story on how local groups are getting together to help Ukrainian citizens by sending basic food and supply packages. This is both a humanitarian and libertarian ideal.

We have a real problem with gangs riding ATVs and bikes, almost flash-mobbing intersections and terrorizing drivers. The police said it's too much of a resource-drain and are no longer bothering with it. I'm going to start robbing banks, since the police are no longer enforcing laws. Hell, I've already got my mask....

As with any city, we have a full complement of news personalities, including a phalanx of Weather Weirdos. Since none of them is ever correct, the networks have to hire them for their proclivities. The general favorite is the generic Large-Breasted Weather Lady. Quickly up and coming is the Scarily-Dressed Weather Lady. We only see commercials with her in them, and boy, is she a sight. Most of the time, it looks like her pre-teen daughter dresses her.  This is apparently not a problem, perhaps even a feature for the station. She is, as they now say, a Woman of Size<tm>, so onscreen appearances would be especially important to dress for. I am no expert in these matters, but she is likely pregnant too. When I say not an expert, I mean it's difficult to tell, and even *I* avoid asking women if they're pregnant or just fat. (I've come far, haven't I?)

When not dressed by her daughter, she's dressed by a blind person, in a wheelchair, in the dark. The other night it was some sort of neon green drapes or something, plus what looked like black sneakers, when they showed all of her. She obscures or outshines the weather board thingie in the background. They say some pregnant women look like they're carrying a basketball in there. She looks like she's carrying the whole court. Regardless of the reason, she is still gifted below the neck, so perhaps they were going for generic Large-Breasted Weather Lady, and got a belly with their breasts. Original generic Large-Breasted Weather Lady also seems to expand below her mammalian protuberances, but in more traditional shape for her background. 

Maybe it's just me; I like petite.

Before you get on my case for being 'fat-phobic,' it was the choice of the news producers to hire these people, so they're fair game. And don't get me started on the small guy with the bowtie and little extra body surface. 

Then there was coverage of the St Patty's Day parades.

Everybody is Irish on St Patty's Day, as my friend Muhammed Cohen tells me.

The main thrust of the parades seemed to be dancing, banner-holding, and drinking. One enthusiast dyed his hair neon green, plus there was green beer. It just doesn't seem enough for a parade. In fact, they tell me it's just a normal Friday in more southern parts of the city. The worst part, of course, is the interviews. I think Philly doesn't get its due in the accent department. Of course the country thinks the South is pretty funny, as is Boston. but the heavier Philly accent is absolutely cringe-inducing, even for Philadelphians. I think the city needs to hire consultants to get its accent more widely laughed at. Knowing the city, there are probably consultants already hired for this, but no one can find them, yet the checks are already cashed.

The spongy moth’s new name replaces an ethnic slur

In a further effort to make everyone say "Just give it a rest," the gypsy moth has been renamed the gypsy beaver. This should hopefully not offend anybody. Well, maybe beavers, but until they make their offense known, the moth should be ok.

Windows Suckage 

Dear Windows: when I tell you to automatically connect to a particular wireless system, it's not a wish or request, it's an order. When the system tells me it has no path to the internet, I look at wireless connections and see mine, with the "connect automatically" box checked. But it didn't bother to connect. 

Let's add to this, in a recent beta, File Manager started serving ads. 

I don't know about you, but I am not a target for my operating system's ads. If you read what you signed on for in Windows, ads were included. I recoiled.

Funny, none of this happens in Mac or linux. You don't even need a Mac or linux account to sign on. 

I have no choice, because work uses it, but there are no Windows in my house, making Mrs. lefty a happy woman. We don't do Windows. I don't think you should support this nonsense either. 

• Microsoft's second annual Work Trend Index report shows that half of bosses are out of touch with reality. This is right up there with cow farts studies.
• But seriously... who among us doesn't know this? If they understood reality, they wouldn't be your boss. The Peter Principle states "you are promoted to the level of your own incompetence."

Hey, if you've got lots of millions to throw away, Jeffrey Epstein's two islands are for sale. The islands do not come with underage girls, underage boys, airplanes, open access to Ghislane Maxwell (yes, she is still alive!), and any guarantee of anonymity. Ok, anonymity is still on the table, because when you entertain the kind of clientele Epstein did, you either forget everything or go to jail, committing suicide by shooting yourself, then hiding the gun.

A Ukrainian priest was shot by Russian soldiers at a checkpoint and is being investigated as a suspected war crime. 

You've probably sat down and asked yourself why there are Rules of War.

And these rules are agreed upon.

• Yes, you can bomb cities, but you may not shoot a priest.
• It's ok to shoot chemically-equipped rockets but not at a children's hospital.
• Do not get caught throwing people into ovens.
• Go ahead and shoot social media influencers but not orphanages.

I'm way more fun when asleep, apparently. I do Stuff. Stuff I don't even know about. Apparently the other night I was sobbing. Strangely, the dog was too. Poor Mrs. lefty. A while back I was singing Joe Cocker. I'm just wondering why I can't do anything useful in my sleep, like sleep. Or why I can't get paid to sing Joe Cocker songs while awake. I used to get paid to sing and play, but as with any gig like that, it came with band members. Band members who usually made the entire effort excruciatingly painful. Who would insist on practicing three nights per week, then get onstage and make mistakes as if they never practiced the songs. To this day, I don't understand it. Then there was the other band. I hadn't heard from them for a few weeks, so I called one of them. The band had broken up, but they forgot to tell me. Apparently the keyboard player flaked out at random intervals, and this was his time. How I was supposed to know that is beyond me. We played at a swim club a few times. It was summer (no, really?) but it was the absolute dregs of summer, about 92 degrees, with 95% humidity. I move around a lot when I play and noticed the sweating. Then the shortness of breath. I wondered if they had ambulances around - I never passed out onstage before. Fortunately I made it through the 3 hour set (ok, one hour), took off my shoes, and walked right into the pool. I would have played the rest of the day from the pool, but I suspect it would have involved electricity and more ambulances. But it sure was dandy they had a pool there (at the swim club) so I could cool off. 

Flying AIDS News 

Omicron is trouncing the argument for “natural immunity” to COVID

UK Covid infections climb by a million in a week

• South Africa wants to fight SIM swapping with biometric checks
• Usually this crap doesn't happen in South Africa first. Maybe Australia or the UK. Pretty soon you'll have to scan your eyes to use a phone.... no more burners either. You need to be ever-vigilant or your rights will go right out the window.

Life is not fair.

We mistakenly got that impression somewhere.

Remember this the next time it snows on your parade, the tree installed a hole in the windshield, the glass in your bedroom window decides to test gravity, and your screen door is parked in your neighbor's parking spot. You have a disease that doesn't have a name yet, the sentence for murdering your neighbors has increased by ten years, and your entire wireless network has taken a vacation.

I should probably have that on a t-shirt or five.

In bed, I notice there's no wireless.

I'm learning to just shake my head and go about (aboot in Canada) my business .

The next morning, I'm faced with a weird (not dead) network.

The problem here is that I set everything up, so I'm the only one who can fix it (I think). Why does my phone work but not my laptop? I sure as hell didn't do anything to anything to cause this. After a few hours of screaming (one cannot fix anything to do with computers without screaming), I got it fixed. The wireless told me it didn't have internet. Well duh, neither did my laptop. I think it was a bad cable (that somehow became bad late at night, all by itself). 

I stepped out of the office, cables wrapped around my neck, cutting off some necessary blood flow to my brain, tripping on other cables, going face-down on the floor, and announced "IT'S WORKING." It was all for naught, as I was the only one around. So I had to settle for being silently pleased at my great job. Not even the dog was there to wag her tail at the announcement. She always wags her tail, but I was willing to suspend disbelief and claim she was proud of me too. She wags her tail at the groomer's; he says she's the only dog who does.

I guess I could have the standard wireless setup from the cable company, but where's the fun in that? 

Existence is Futile [Borg updated]

Hey, how bout those Teslas..  The Teslas that every owner just got locked out of, with an "Unknown Error."  Customer Service lines are melting. Nobody knows. Unless you have the key card and fob, you're fsckd.

YouTube will be fined up to $200 million over COPPA investigation.
Staff in an uproar - that's the weekly toilet paper budget for the Executive 
Lavatory.

In a race with the government and Google for most evil, Faceyspaces now has facial recognition for all users. Fuck yourself with a molten ingot.

Headline: Yahoo email users logged in to discover email was broken.
Real Headline: People use Yahoo email.

Google's spellcheck for bloggers is broken. Please excuse any errors (I read the first word or two of every other paragraph, so I'm not much help).


A mid 1800s (People's Republic of) California law criminalized able-bodied people not helping the police when requested. The governor struck down the law.  This goes nicely with the other governor who governed that no one should assist ICE in their sanctuary city. I'm trying to get our governor to decriminalize bank robbing and online bank hacking. And those really interesting adult businesses on the edge of town....

A different governor noted that hurricanes and fires are getting worse, but he's happy with what his party's doing (D - DisneyWorld).  The next presidential debate will note this climate change and officially blame Trump.

• Hurricane Dorian hit Florida. Both were moving at 8mph.

Dear lefty

• What's today's gripe?
• Those guys I hired apparently didn't 'modify' your brake cable

Lefty guitarists, this is your once in a lifetime chance!
For only $399, you can buy a PRS Private Stock.... case.  I love ebay.

• The brave protesters in Hong Kong have won: the extradition bill has been withdrawn. They fought for freedom, using American inspiration and slogans. We fight for more kitty picture on Faceyspaces.

Major automakers have agreed to equip nearly all US vehicles with systems to remind motorists of passengers in the back seat, in an effort to avoid deaths of young children left behind in hot cars.  Congress never met a topic they couldn't 'fix' with legislation. How long til it alerts the authorities?

• Joe Biden had a press op at a Dairy Queen. He ordered a Whopper.

• Seth Ator, the man accused of killing 7 people in Texas, was already barred from purchasing firearms due to mental disability.
• He had also been calling police and the FBI for years, leaving incoherent messages. It's almost as if they weren't doing anything on purpose....

No thank you, I'd rather pull bugs out of my cereal

• Best Tweet: If you think an AR-15 is too dangerous, you should check out the MK-Ultra.  @beinlibertarian

I think one of my credit cards is having a good time at my expense.
They send me ridiculous emails every day, with some magic offers, none of which are relevant, and none I want to receive. To make matters worse, they put stupid little graphics on the subject line. That alone merits punishment. Nobody puts emojis or whatever the hell they are in my email program.

So I showed them. Last week I went to their site and opted out from all their ridiculous emails. Then they showed me, by emailing garbage, as if I hadn't opted out. This morning, furious at the invasion of my mailbox (yes, before I took my meds), I went BACK to the site and again opted out of everything. HA!

When I got back from that, there was another email in my inbox. With an emoji. They have one week to fix this, before I have them strung up for spamming their customers. I will also have their pets adopted out to other families, and replaced with ostriches. Their blenders will all fail, and they'll have nothing but hand mixers. And their internet will all be G-rated. Do not mess with me.

• 20 members of Boris Johnson's Conservative party have voted against him to prevent the UK from leaving the EU without a plan in place. They want a swimming pool.
• Boris' plan to suspend UK Parliament ahead of Brexit is lawful, a judge in Scotland ruled.  Emboldened by the news, Boris will be firing all of his opponents.

Coworker Follies

ME: can you find the Bob List?
HIM: what's a Bob list?
ME: a list with 'Bob' in it. I'm assured it exists.
(5 minutes later)
HIM: found it. Would you like a screenshot or should I share my screen?
ME: (starting to shake head violently) Just tell me where it is, please.
HIM: it's in the Jimmy Box - go here, ask it for everything, and there you go.
ME: How does asking for everything give you the Bob List?
HIM: Ummm.. it just does.
ME: (looks, yells, removes paint from walls) Ok, send me the screenshot.
HIM: Here you go.
ME: Thank you. Now where on this screenshot is the word 'Bob'.
HIM: No, there's no Bob on that list.
ME: THEN WHEN DID I SPEND THE LAST 10 MINUTES OF MY LIFE WITH YOU 'finding' SOMETHING that doesn't show WHAT I ASKED FOR?

At least he's consistent... he consistently aggravates me by consistently answering questions incorrectly.

One hour later....

HIM: Hey - I found the Bob List! It's here. I can get to it.
ME: do you plan on sharing it with me or did you just want me to know you found it?
HIM: It's easy.
ME: I remain in a waiting state. (eyeballs banging into each other)
HIM: hit the arrow button on the top left, next to the logo.
ME: pretty neat - let me give it a shot
ME: (searches around, cannot find an arrow) Ummm sorry, I don't have an arrow
HIM: I'm 5 steps ahead of you. I sent you a screenshot. (nothing if not disorganized).
ME: the arrow up top
HIM: yes!
ME: on the screenshot, you circled the arrow button up top... the BACK button on the browser.
HIM: Yup - it worked.
ME: You're telling me to hit the BACK button to make the Bob List come up.
HIM: Yes!
ME: We used to get vaccines so we didn't have people like you.
(5 minutes later)
HIM: I can't repeat this reliably.


Work is fun... we have these surveys... we are encouraged to fill them out. I enjoy filling out surveys, in the way I enjoy getting getting checked for.. whatever it is they're checking for when the doc puts his finger up your butt. This is made easier by the surveys being voluntary and anonymous. Yup, 100% voluntary. Right up til they notice I haven't filled it in and they contact my boss. Please do not deluge me with requests for job applications.

• The dog has been quiet all morning, in her yard. This is odd. If she barks, she comes inside, so as not to annoy the neighbors.
• Hours later, I go to the bathroom and have a seat.
• BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK

Heroes of the Stupid

My behavior in bed is atrocious. Stop - this is G-rated.
According to a reliable source, who isn't the dog, I am quite entertaining. I start with Mattress Dancing, where I twitch, jump, and roll. When the warmup is done, I get to the main show: laughing, cursing, crying, and punching. I am horrified that I punched my wife.  When I wake up, I'm given a review of my performance: "I'll give it two fists, Bob."

No matter when or how I call my wife on the phone, I don't get through. If I text, she texts back, forgetting that it takes from an hour to 3 days for it to reach me. When I mention this, she says "Ida know..."  Reflecting on this, maybe the phone and the punching are subconscious.



SJW Stunts


Kansas university faculty wants Chik-fil-A banned from campus for fears of 'safety' and 'mental well being'. They believe the chain violates "safety and inclusion"  When do these people have time to teach?  Oh.

Council member says cleaning feces off Seattle streets with a power washer is racist.  It's getting worse when these headlines go under SJW and Stupid.

Porsche is making a leather-free version of its new Taycan electric sports car in the latest attempt by a German automaker to play up green credentials as environmental activists lobby for a boycott of the industry.  Then all the SJWs will buy a Porsche!

Well, mine is...

Stan Stops UFO Research

RIP Stanton Friedman (84), the father of UFO research. He just retired from the circuit. We lost a great one.

Stanton was a nuclear physicist who brought science to the UFO field, first concentrating on Roswell. His firm allowed him to lecture at work and elsewhere. Did you know there are over 400 people on record regarding Roswell?

Stanton accurately described the denizens of planet Earth as a 'primitive society whose major activity is clearly tribal warfare.'

He was a funny guy, said to be quite nice, by those who met or interviewed him. He referred to people like Bill Nye and the SETI folks as Noisy Negativists, for taking an opinion based on nothing and ignoring the evidence. In honor of a lifetime of work, I suggest we rename Area 51 to The Stanton Friedman Memorial Roswell Research Center.

Read his books and check out some videos on YouTube.
Who knows - maybe he has the answers now...



Dear lefty

• How do they make oven-proof glass?
• From boron, you moron.

After a philanthropist got an honorary degree and picked up the tab for the entire class, Oprah was called out for not doing the same.

What's the matter with these people?
You're not allowed to tell someone how to spend their own money. I'm not an Oprah fan, but this applies to everyone. I think the guy's a hero, but haven't demanded anyone else do the same. Oh, wait, this was on social media. That explains everything.

Hmmmm... maybe ThermionicEmissions readers could make some demands:

• Faceyspaces' Mark Zuckerberg should donate generously to the presidential re-election fund.
• Google should send a few billion to the Electronic Freedom Foundation.
• The RNC should donate to the Freedom from Religion Foundation

The kilogram has gotten more accurate by changing what it's related to.

It has traditionally been tied to the English Prime Minister's shoe size. It will now reflect a more static value - the amount of countries currently on the moon.

• Canada is using cardboard cop cutouts to catch speeders.
• Last year, the cardboard shot 8 people - 7 more than the real police.

Let's watch some morning news:
FOX: this is the damage caused by multiple tornadoes in Oklahoma. Ted Cruz says Yale unfair to Christians... and conservatives.
CNN: We need to impeach Trump: here's a democrat to tell you about it. The president talks like a mafia boss. Maine's lobster industry is concerned because of Trump's trade war.

I want to watch news. What's happening? Did I miss something important overnight? Anything coming up? International stories? The Broken Needle Networks are worthless.



On the issue of abortion (I'm for it, sometimes mandatory), many people say that it's the woman's business, not the government's (I agree). Why, then, is everything else the government's business? Alcohol, tobacco, drugs, sex work, vaccinations, medicines, etc. Let's be intellectually honest and apply this across the board.

• After the revelation of barbaric treatment of England's mentally ill. the government has rushed into action and put together a program to stop people from jumping into the Thames River. With signs. Maybe a fence.
• Other suggestions included putting a rubber pool cover over the river, and making it illegal to jump.

Florida (we can't go too long without mentioning FL) man accused of threatening to behead another man and several police officers, then eat their tongues and eyes. 

Man apologizes. What he meant to say was, "The job situation in the country is looking up."

• Here's a feelgood headline: Flight Grounded for Hours with Body Inside After Passenger Dies Mid-Flight. I'll bet they charge him the freight rate also.

IMPORTANT:
Make sure your operating system and programs are patched. There's a particularly nasty Windows vulnerability that uses Remote Desktop Protocol (RDP). RDP allows you to connect to your pc from inside or outside of the network. NEVER EXPOSE RDP to the internet. There are other ways to access your home pc remotely. RDP has no security and anybody can hack in.

40 Years Gone

I watched Dan Rather interview Robert Plant.
Dan's in his later 80s and is a solid interviewer.
Fortunately at the bottom of the screen, they referred to Robert as "Led Zeppelin singer", because some of us might not know that.

It seems like last year that I heard Robert's young son, Karac, died.
Per Robert, it's been 40 years. My heart bleeds for him and family.
Where the #&@) did time go?
Remember - when you're in school, bands are a religion. You had to have their likenesses all over your books and clothes. You argued with your friends. You paid even more outrageous prices for good tickets, sometimes camping out. Am I dating myself? Do I put out on the first date?

The Zep is one of my favorite bands - you can't deny them. They paved the path, sometimes through hotels and bars. The whole is definitely greater than the sum of its parts. RIP John Bonham, rock's greatest drummer.

If you've spent time listening to Plant's lyrics, you might guess that interviews are 'interesting', and this one was. The answers tended to go on. I tended not to understand some of it... a combination of flowery and over my head. It's odd for my 69 year old hero to refer to Tony Bennett.




Dear lefty:

• What do you call a fat, bloated, actively nasty, expensive parasite that does nothing?
• Congressman

The current legislative hoo-ha is around allowing males who identify as females (or transexuals) to play on women's sports teams. Tennis luminary Martina Navratolova says it will kill tennis. Since men have a physical advantage, it seems reasonable to keep the genders separate.

If I identify as black, will I be more talented at sports? Or talented at all? Will my wife enjoy the bonus?

• Google stored plaintext passwords since 2005.
• Now Google has all your information and everyone else has your password.

Washington is the first state to legalize human composting.

So let's hurry up and get those bodies in the ground. Ignore the screaming.

• North Korea called Joe Biden an imbecile for Kim criticism.
• keep him away from your wife and kids, Kim.

When thinking about politics and laws, think of this simple statement: You own yourself.

It's News Time again!

FOX: We're here on an aircraft carrier for Fleet Week, made from 9-11 steel.
CNN: Democrats consult professor of psychology - says Trump losing grip on reality
CBSN: Harriet Tubman won't be on any currency

Apropos of nothing, the US has no test for aging or sickness or mental state on the Supreme Court or Congress.  While one would assume they're all crazy, there is no test or requirement for sanity. Witness Justice Ginsburg falling asleep, Hillary's tremors and tripping, and Pelosi's gaps and halting speech. And Harry Reid's black eye.

• A Mississippi lawmaker punched his wife because she undressed too slowly
• If only there were a law for this...

The Patriarchy Strikes Again:

According to the UN, female artificial intelligence voices reinforce existing gender biases.

• I don't know if this should worry me, but QVC just called to ask how Mrs lefty is doing.

Taleban supporter John Walker Lindh is being released from prison after 17 years. What to do?  Accuse him of selling drugs so he'll be put away for life.

A Florida (YES!) man did not pull over for police because his passenger was giving him sexual favors. There's a man with his priorities in order!

Why can't I fly with my Comfort Elephant?

A small town in Oregon is experiencing cougar sightings.
People are afraid and are being warned to avoid them (here, kitty).

No word on the whereabouts of the Real Housewives of Oregon.

• One of the airlines has decreed that comfort animals can only be dogs or cats. I'm going to complain under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

The president has set up a GoFundMe for private contributions to building The Wall. In two days, the donations total about $20 million. 

Sorry, Mr President, but the government gets way too much of my money already. Bring all of our troops home and take it out of the defense budget. With the invasion of the illegals, we have a real defense security issue, unlike Iran or Afghanistan.

Dear lefty:

• Why do I have so many headaches in the morning?
• Mixing beer and wine, and hitting yourself on the head with a shovel.

• I can't go an hour without hearing someone say 'Mongolian gynecologist'. You?

Politics

A Danish politician put an ad on Pornhub, seeking votes. He explained that 'you have to be where your voters are.'

A bright light in the cesspool of politics.

The Texas state House has introduced a bill that would fine men $100 for masturbating. Hopefully they mean outside.

Ever try finding a news station?
CNN: Trump sucks
Fox: Trump rules
NPR: We've convened a panel of experts to tell you what Trump did wrong today
NBC: Hi, we're the propaganda wing of the DNC
RT: We have an interesting mix of actual news and propaganda
Local news: varies, some more interested in social media than news, less overt bias than the nationals.

"We read what we're told, right from the script."

• With the final episode of Game of Thrones comes news that 10 million people are expected to call out sick from work. We are a nation of morons. But wait!!!! At least one website is offering counseling. But there's always someone working to take advantage - it's the American Way.

So we're minding our own businesses, as we do, when we hear a loud CRASH. The two of us and the dog are on the couch. In the kitchen, an iron skillet, placed safely on a counter, tried to commit suicide by launching itself to the floor. By itself.

• South Korea's government is switching to linux.
• If North Korea does, we're in trouble.

You Gotta Love Blonde Asians...

An Australian lady went to Vietnam. Upon return, she got pulled aside for inspection. Turns out her boyfriend, a plastic surgeon, installed buttock implants in Vietnam.

Say it again: buttock implants.

We know they're not new, but think about it..it's inserting something pillowy in the body. Like breast implants... a few years back, a woman was arrested in Philly for doing butt implants, one of which killed someone.

Epilogue: the butt implants contained large amounts of drugs.

• A man proposed to his girlfriend in court. That's so romantic, ain't it? She was in court for stabbing him 13 times. That should be some marriage... all lawyers in the court gave him their cards.

This probably went viral last week... the 16 year old girl who called 911 because Daddy took her cell phone away. The policeman sternly explained that 911 is for real crimes and went on to tell the child that everything really belongs to Dad anyway - she's a minor.

I think she's due for a Learning Opportunity. She will work in a 911 center, shadowing operators and listening to actual 911 emergencies. Hopefully this will help her understand the difference. While she's there, she can help out by cleaning the bathrooms. 

Dear lefty:

• I try really hard to get my boss to like me. What else can I do?
• Nothing. Your head is already so far up her ass, when you sneeze, she burps.

As I type this, Betty White turns 97.

After the nuclear apocalypse, there will only be Betty, shacking up with Keith Richards.

There's a great article on a new treatment for PTSD. This poor Seal Team Guy has been experiencing all sorts of horrible PTSD, causing all sorts of horrible problems. He walked in, had a treatment, and walked out, happier than he had been since before joining the service. There are variations of this treatment, but it's basically shooting very minor electricity at your brain, via a small wand the doc holds. You are not physically touched, and there's a small noise inside. Some people don't get full relief immediately. One variation is in use, although who knows if insurance covers it. The name contains 'transcranial'. I can remember this, but have no idea what I had for breakfast. Or lunch. Or where my keys went. Did I remember to use protection? Will prayer be needed?

The funny thing is that the Seal described some of his major symptoms and I joked that after seeing the list, I must have PTSD. Somebody close, who shall remain nameless (but married me) looked at me as if I were a complete idiot (a look I see often) and said, "Duh - you scream PTSD. Sometimes literally."

Well gee, it would've been nice if at least one of 15 therapists told me this, before they all committed suicide.

• BULLETIN: The Canadian Winter Festival was cancelled due to heavy snowfall.
• The Pennsylvania Winter Festival was cancelled due to cold weather.

It was so cold yesterday...

HOW COLD WAS IT?

It was so cold, I had to run my hands under cold water to warm them up.

It was 7 degrees outside.

The poor dog, who came from down south, has never even heard of this temperature before. She never saw snow til recently. She wants to go back.

It got better later, when it finally hit 13 degrees.

It's not a climate - it's a plague.

• Today I beheld a tool that looked like a small chainsaw that goes on a pole. It looked like it might be fun at parties.
• At least it didn't take up more room than the hedge trimmer in the bathroom.

Dear lefty:

• Quinn Quinones, from Queensland, asks our opinion on climate change.
• Dear Quality: are you out of vegan shampoo again?

Arizona state Representative Gail Griffin(R) proposed a bill to require all computers sold in the state be locked from accessing porn. Users would pay a $20 fee to unlock it, which would go toward The Wall.

• I think the technical term for this is Blithering Idiot
• You cannot regulate access to porn anyway - it's impossible. Too many varied sources, with new ones popping up all the time. This is why filters don't work well.
• I believe regulation of access by the state is a 1st Amendment issue.
• If you build your own computer, will each piece be taxed? Will your video card be taxed more because it allows you to SEE porn? Will your mouse be protected from porn too?

I LIVE IN THE INDIGNATION

I often hear what my wife's watching on tv when I'm in the next room.
Most of the neighborhood can hear what my wife's watching on tv.
The 'news' provided some sickening material recently...  it was largely about viral videos. There is one about a high school kid smirking at an Indian guy and another about a large child dancing shirtless in a stadium.

I'm looking at this from as for above as I can... we are a nation of morons. I've said it before. Frequently. We're fiddling while the country burns. Think about it - we're absolutely fascinated by online videos, to the point it makes the nightly news. This also says something about the news. We are sitting wherever we sit, looking at a huge video site, picking out videos that amuse us. It's like a worldwide sport - all we're missing is Sports Hooligans rioting in the stands, although that would be a viral video too. Everyone's free to do what they want with their time, but we essentially watch Stupid TV to amuse ourselves. We have become fat and lazy, amused by video-lets. Does America riot when taxes are raised or levied? No, we're busy being hypnotized by YouTube, which is the next step from being hypnotized by the Boob Tube.  The people Up Top benefit from this. Less resistance to subjugating the Proles. Our tv's already watch us.

Having said that, YouTube can be an incredible asset: aside from entertainment value, the knowledge passing how-to videos are priceless. Never fixed a dryer before? There's a video for that. Oven's paint peeling? There's a video for that. Car making a noise like a pigeon being strangled? That one's about to be uploaded. Dads dancing, Guitar lessons, how to apply makeup for the cosmetically-impaired. How to dress like a ho and how this celebrity dresses like a ho. People hanging from very tall light poles, during a riot after a Philly team won a championship? It's all there. And viral.

Renting a Life

The phone rings.
This is never a good sign.
Wife wants to know if I want the bad news or the really bad news.
I told you it wasn't a good sign.

Unable to pull over on the turnpike in time, the dog decorated the car seat.
Lovely.
And speaking of the car, it was running very strangely and the Check Engine light was on. This car simply doesn't do that. By the way, the call was coming from two and a half hours away, in Outer Mongolia.

Outer Mongolia was less than convenient for most of us, especially as I needed to perform some job-related errands the following day and the mechanic was near home.

I had to rent a car. Jinkies.
The company that picks you up was the only choice.
I got an Altima, through very little choice of my own.
The largest surprise is that there are no dogs allowed. NO DOGS? Fortunately Marshall doesn't think he's a dog, so that won't be a problem.

My personal car is a thing of beauty, generating no problems. Because of its age, it has none of the things people today are used to. I don't even have an AUX in on the stereo.

The rental had stuff I'd never seen before. These lights kept going on and off. It took me a while to figure out they were 'radar' to tell me there was a car coming up on that side. Great invention. The two zone air conditioning was handy, as Wife prefers arctic air and I prefer to drive in a less than icy state.

I never knew about this, but when you shift into reverse, there's a tv on the dash! The only problem is why should a tv be wasted running only in reverse. And I hate to say this, but the programming was total crap. It was largely about streets and curbs. The audio seemed to be broken.

When you see car commercials, you'll notice there's very little about the actual car: it's more about stupid features and the stereo.  And there was a stereo in this car. It had many controls, which probably makes car buyers orgasmic or terrified. It had buttons and the buttons had buttons. It was a complete nightmare of user hostility. Hooking my phone to it was a delicate dance, but you'll be happy to know nothing got broken, went airborne, or got punched. For some reason it wanted permissions to my messages, which wasn't working for me. There were a few other phones listed.. when I get some time, I'll find the info they left in the car. The long and short of this is the thrill I got, not having to listen to the radio. I got to hear my own music. Yes, this is normal for everyone with recent cars; it's just new to me.

On the other hand, this car's seats hurt our backs. It probably had a tiny engine because it couldn't get out of its own way. The ride allowed us to experience every nuance of the road. In English this means "it's really goddamn bumpy." So our 'old' car blew the very new car away. Fortunately the engine light went out in our car. Everybody knows there's nothing wrong with a car when the check engine light goes out. We can all breathe easier.

A friend related a story about a new car stereo. His wife's new car had all sorts of complex gadgets. She found a button labeled HD. Enthused by High Definition, she switched on the obvious satellite radio and noticed that they played all her favorite music. They played entire CDs of her favorite music. A tiny amount of detective work by my friend revealed that HD stands for Hard Drive, and it played the favorite music because it recorded the CDs she played.



The FBI and other sources are raising the alarm over a type of router malware, called VPNfilter. This can take over your router and potentially be used in a botnet. The long and short of it is that you need to update the firmware in your router and reboot it. Firmware tells the device how to operate. However, trying to get owners to do anything even vaguely security-related is advanced dentistry, like pulling teeth. You should be updating the firmware periodically anyway, and definitely now, whether or not your router is on the possible list. In addition, here are five tips to protect your router.

• Can't Kill This: a Texas man killed a snake while gardening. When he went to get rid of the head, it bit him. He was rushed to the hospital, where it appears he will recover. This is definitely one for Science to study.
• It's also the last time his wife will place two deadly snakes in their yard.

They're baaaaaaack!
The ants.
No idea what's going on here but the past few years have been Ant Crazy<tm>. We used to think it reflected on the cleanliness of the occupants but that was dispelled when the antiseptic OCD micro-cleaning ladies on either side of us got them; one in her tub.

So if you happen to be visiting, never mind Mrs lefty, who is prowling the house with her holster. In one slot is ant spray. In the other slot is pet-friendly ant spray. She has her hands over the spray cans, ready to DRAW at a moment's notice. She hunts stealthily, so those stupid ants won't hear her silent stomping. When she finds them, there's the initial WHOOOOOOOSH, as she sprays them, but the fun's only beginning....  now it's time for Tracking. One cannot just kill the ants - one must track them to their source. See where they came from and how they got into the house. This is Grade A Detective Work, or, as we call it, deteckin.  I dare not open cabinets, lest I find our current supply of ant spray is taking over the house.

When all the (visible) ants have gone to meet their maker, it's time to hunt MOTHS. We did a credible job of eradicating the little buggers, but every now and then we see one. If we're eating, I manage to continue, but not Wild West Mrs lefty. She puts her fork down with a crash, reaches for anything in a aerosol can, and LETS LOOSE. I will not speculate on why there's always an aerosol can handy. If, heaven forbid, there's no aerosol can around, she leaps into action, throwing herself in the general direction of the moth, and clapping her hands together so fast I can't see it happen. Can you imagine dinner with the family, discussing how everyone's day went, when all of the sudden Mommy leaps out of her chair, into the air, and dispatches a moth before gravity acts upon her body?  She's like the Bionic Moth Hunter. All she needs is a Steve Irwin accent and some khaki clothes.

• A soldier has been arrested after stealing an armored vehicle and giving police a two hour tour of Virginia. They were very specific that it was not a tank, for some reason. Naturally, pictures appeared across social media.
• I'd check to see if Joe Walsh wasn't back on the sauce...

According to a Pew Research Center poll:

Almost seven-in-ten Americans (68%) feel worn out by the amount of news there is these days

So we better get on this and cut down the amount of stuff happening.

• Hey - are you on myheritage.com? Data on more than 92 million users were exposed in a breach on October 26, 2017, reported June 4, 2018, because they just learned about it.  Nice job, guys.

Aside from Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones, what are Men in Black?
They're are a real phenomenon, occurring after UFO sightings. Out of nowhere, two or more men, typically dressed in black but might also be a uniform, show up at your door. They look like something out of the 50s: black coat, black suit, sunglasses, black hat, getting out of a large, old car, and something wrong. Like a facial feature being a little off. Various things have been reported, including hypnosis, threats of bodily harm if the person talks, telling him he never saw anything, and plain old asking what he saw.

They haven't changed in years and years, since they were first reported. There is audiotape of several people who were visited, as well as stories. There is at least one picture of one of them.

Many possible explanations exist as to who or what they are: our government, desperate to know if 'someone' is visiting. Somebody else from somewhere else. How do they know you were just visited or had a close sighting? Some say in addition to alleged extraterrestrial UFOs, there are ARVs - Alien Reproduction Vehicles, which our government made from capturing and reverse-engineering crashed UFOs. Some of these are alleged to be able to swoop in and abduct people. Since we're veering way off known reality, let's add the theory that the pilots of the (not ours) UFOs are US from the future. I don't know about you, but I don't want to 'evolve' into a Gray.

I have no answers. Just creating more questions.

• Did you buy any of those CloudPets for your kids? The kids record a message and it goes in The Cloud? Last year, more than half a million people had their information exposed.  16 months later, they're being pulled for the shelves by the stores, over concerns that were never addressed. Bluetooth vulnerabilities discovered were ignored. The manufacturer never responded to emails. The parent company, Spiral Toys, went out of business last year. This is the future, people.
• There is yet another Adobe Flash flaw, addressed by an emergency fix. Do the update, folks.

If you lived around 1880, you might run an ad for a wife:

Chance for a spinster. A young man in Aroostook County, Maine, advertising for a wife, speaks of himself as follows: "I am eighteen years old, have a good set of teeth, and believe in Andy Johnson, the star spangled banner, and the 4th of July. I have taken up a State lot, cleared up eighteen acres last year, and seeded ten of it down. My buckwheat looks first-rate and the oats and potatoes are bully. I have got nine sheep, a two year old bull, and two heifers, besides a house and barn. I want to get married. I want to buy bread-and-butter, hoop-skirts, and waterfalls for some person of the female persuasion during life. That's what's the matter with me. But I don't know how to do it."

If he posted this on Faceyspaces, he could have his choice of hundreds of thousands of women, almost immediately.

• Scientists developed Norman, the Artificial Intelligence. They wanted to turn Norman into a psychopath, so they fed it some of Reddit. POOF - Instant Psychopath - just add Reddit!

A lot of people ask me how they can be safe online.
I look off into the distance, thoughtfully, and tell them, "Don't go online."

• new Hallmark card: Sorry I Gave You Chlamydia

Years ago, I was asked to look into a product offered by a huge pc manufacturer, that would analyze firewall traffic. So I called, and the salesdude told me I'd have to forward our traffic to them for analysis. I told the guy our data doesn't leave the building. He acted surprised and got annoyed with me, like I was the crazy one. Remember: if you can no longer touch your data, it's no longer yours.

• Dear Mr. Cameraman: when the guitar solo starts, be sure to focus in on the drummer.

Here's an uplifting story: the story of Badfinger.

You might remember them from "Day After Day", "Come and Get It", "Baby Blue", and "Without You". Pete Ham was the band's chief songwriter and singer. They played locally, eventually getting seen and signed to Apple Records, as the first band. Paul McCartney and George Harrison produced the band and helped out. Stardom followed. "Without You" was covered by everybody from Harry Nilsson to Frank Sinatra. They were all over the charts, touring America and back to England.

And there was no money.

They were hoodwinked by unscrupulous financial people. Eventually the record company wanted their advance back and the band was stopped cold. The guys were despondent. They couldn't get a new deal to pull themselves out. Pete Ham hung himself.

Tommy Evans, bassist and Pete's cowriter, went downhill. He had tax problems and a lawsuit. Eight years after Pete's death, Tommy hanged himself. There were various albums with various members between and after the deaths.

Guitar player Tommy Molland, brought in after the first album was recorded, is touring as Tommy Molland's Badfinger.

All that great music plus the music that never came...

• and when my life is over, remember when we were together, we were alone and I was singing this song to you - Leon Russell

Typhoid lefty and the Amazing Weather Event

The new job is going well. No, really, it's going decently. I have very few complaints, with the exception of the heat.  It's traditionally women who complain about the temperature being too cold, so I thought they were responsible for the eighty-degree temps in our humongous office.  Where I work is a bit of a cliche, so I asked if we had to fill out a form 8753 in order to get the temperature down below roasting. Even the women were complaining.

Speaking of women, I work near three women or so, who have apparently been sick off and on for months.  I told them if I got typhoid, it would be their fault. Little did I realize that they had been playing Pass the Germs for way longer than I have been there.

Sure enough, my throat began to feel icky. This was followed, in short order, by my head ringing and being in a vise.  It is difficult to concentrate on your job when you're desperately attempting to fail at falling off your chair.  This all happened in one day.  So I chose to stay at work and irradiate the rest of my coworkers who had not yet become sick.  I'm a giver.

You'll be surprised to learn that I don't get sick like normal people. Being a man, I had to ask my wife if I had a temperature, which she verified. The joke is somewhat on me because whenever I ask if I have a temp, my wife tells me yes. Why we do Fever Theater<tm>, I'm not sure. One day when I'm well, I am going to ask her to feel my forehead, just for fun. And then maybe I'll tell her that's not where my forehead is.  I figured the smart thing to do, aside from consuming copious amounts of ibuprofen, would be to take some Nyquil equivalent to help me sleep. It kept waking me up at hourly intervals, like a seriously snoring spouse with a chainsaw.

By the next morning, I was on our Natural Cocktail: zinc, echinacea and vitamin C. You start taking this the moment you feel sick and it will either help you to ward it off or shorten its duration.  If you don't have trouble swallowing pills, you will when you see echinacea.  It looks kinda like a clear capsule of oregano, only it's the size of a small football (deflated, of course).  And it's a good thing I dumped all this crap down my throat because the relatively simple act of sitting on the couch made my skin hurt. When the phone rang, my head exploded.  When my wife spoke, the hair follicles on my arm contracted and sent pain shooting to my brain (what was left of it).  Even innocent email checking rendered my eyebrows non-functional. My nose does not run but my stomach does: right to the fridge. When I get sick, my appetite goes through the roof. Keep your hands and feet away from my mouth.

SNOW

We're about to get a noreaster, whatever that means. It means PANIC. It means clean out the stores of milk and bread in mass PANIC. Depending on who you listen to, we're getting two or three snow storms. This includes between one and twelve inches of snow, depending on which attractive weather woman you prefer to watch. At least this time they came right out and admitted that there was no way to accurately predict the amount of snowfall, instead offering four different scenarios. This happened on three different networks, as if they were colluding.

The news is calling this the storm of the century. This indicates that total snowfall will be somewhere in the area of an inch to an inch and a half.  Mind you, the news also features shots at grocery stores, where the shelves are literally picked clean. You'd think they weren't going to get out to the store for three weeks. They're now calling it Snowmageddon.  This is why I get my news online.

The real mess is going to happen tomorrow, so naturally my wife asked me to stop at the store and pick a few things up. She is the one who goes shopping, so it's a crapshoot when I have to enter that dark place.  Let's start with walking in: most people have no trouble - not me.  I walk up to the door and it won't open. I strongly suspect it is refusing on purpose, perhaps on principle.  I'd have the store manager come out and explain it to me but as it is, he's busy plowing the lot (or one of his cashiers).

In front of me at the deli counter is an old lady who is apparently feeding a small battleship's complement.  She requires a pound and a half of swiss but it has to be in three packages for some unknown reason. Then some turkey.  No, that's not thick enough. Then a half a pound of ham. That's too thick. I held on well, managing not to strangle her with her own turkey pastrami and half an hour later, it was my turn. Mind you, they didn't have what my wife sent me to purchase. It's friggin' cheese - what's so difficult?

Just to make things more interesting, the Deli Lady wound up in front of me at the cashier. It turned out she had a husband, who kinda popped up when the bags were in the cart. I have no idea where he was the whole time; perhaps he was off trying to convince them to sell him three gallons of milk, but in seven plastic containers.

Once outside of the store, I tried carrying the packages to the car. Fortunately for me, it remained in the place where I parked it.  My wife's creamer took a leap right out of the bag, while I had four plastic bags on me. When I got home, the creamer, which obviously had something against me, had once again removed itself from its confines. This was made more amusing by the fact that I keep confusing the trunk release with the gas release. This won't be a serious problem until I start filling up the trunk with gasoline.

The cherry on top of the ice cream sundae has to be the mayor of Philthydelphia's press conference. It's fun to watch because we like to laugh (we're outside of Philly). He emphasized that they're serious about snow removal.  If so, this would be the first time.  There will be 375 people and 800 pieces of equipment deployed.  Two days later, people will be wondering why there's snow all over the place, as if they had no idea it was going to snow.  Furthermore, do not throw snow back in the street - it's disrespectful. Disrespectful is promising to clear the streets and failing completely.  It would be a fair bet that it's been snowing here for longer than there has been a city of Philadelphia, yet they have consistenly failed to do an even passable job of cleaning up. There are actually cities all over the country that manage to clean up way more snow way more frequently.  Driving in Philly is a nightmare with no snow.

I have to go now. The dog is doing us a favor, protecting us from the last bag of Cheese Jax (by eating them).  After it gets done snowing, the Abominable Snow Span will grace the freshly-washed blanket on the couch, which was washed yesterday because he was out in the rain and mud.

WHAT Time Again - Asketh the AntiSports

My esteemed blogging colleague, the Nocturnal Slacker, notes that `it's that time again', in reference to baseball.  I started to answer his post but decided to keep it here at ThermionicEmissions, where no one will see it.

Right you are, Eric, it's that time.

It's definitely politics time.  I barely watch tv and can recite political commercials verbatim, including the schmaltzy Oven Mitt commercial about saving someone's daughter.  One wonders if further commercials will feature the Marvelous Mormon walking on water or some such nonsense.  [side question: do Mormons walk on water?]

But really, it's Sports Time too.  I can tell because the news is so full of news about Dem Fills (the Phillies in English) that it's positively nauseating.  It's not any particular network; they all suck.  When they get through being commercials for Americans Idle or Dancing with the Stars, they become commercials for the sports teams, including the actual places where the teams play.  There was a multi-day story recently, covering the new food at the stadium.

But that's not all, no sir.  You can't even watch the weather without constant reminders that Dem Fills are playing.  Every day on the onscreen calendar there's a little Phillies logo when the team is going to play.  It's not a weather forecast, it's a Phillies Forecast.  They even tell you what the temperature is likely to be for the first pitch.  I am nauseous.   They never mention what the weather will be for the polls, concerts, or much of anything else.  Not that they are capable of accurately forecasting that it will be light during the day, with continuing periods of dark at night.

After all this unending entertainment, we're usually treated to a shot of Dem Fills Fans; the semi-toothless, inebriated masses, complete with unintelligible accents and clad in Full Fills Regalia, yearning to hand over a week's salary for the chance to watch their team lose.  Everyone hates a hopeless optimist.

The only thing I love more than sports is Corporate Welfare, when the city or state kicks in money so the poor owners don't have to build their own stadiums.  Then charge twenty bucks to park.

Lots of our work reps offer us sports tickets.  Not one has ever offered anything interesting.

But that's why I'm the AntiSports.

{NOTE: this blog is unlikely to go viral in Philthydelphia}

Real News Where You Can Find It

I am not a patient man.  When they gave out patience, I must have been elsewhere.  I probably couldn't stand in line long enough for it.

I have actually strained what precious little patience I have beyond the breaking point, looking for real news.  Our fourth estate has abdicated its responsibility.  Mainstream media is the lapdog of the White House.  All newspapers are owned by about five companies.  If you go there looking for truth, you're not going to find it.  Disappointment will ensure.

We used to have shortwave radio.  We still do, to some small extent.  Many broadcasters have given it up.  The internet has almost killed radio.  But you have to go outside the country for anything approximating balanced news (Fox News is as balanced as Mussolini, as are the rest of them).

You can also search the internet.  Surveys show that most people get their news from the internet these days.  This is good, as people can largely find what they want online, regardless of bias.

While channel-surfing last week (we only have broadcast television - no cable) I came across the most interesting news I have seen on television.  They gave all sides.  They mentioned Ron Paul (which is expressly forbidden in the US).  They interviewed people on the street in New York (which was ugly).  A fellow named Max Keiser gave a very astute political reading.

What off-planet source did I hook into?  Russia Today.

Before you fall off your ergonomically-correct computer chair laughing, go check out the link and let me know what you found.  Here in Philly, Pennsylvania, US, RT is channel 35-4.  Check to see if you have it locally.  At this very moment, the moderator is stating that Mitt Romney makes more money in one day than the average American makes in one year.  His guest is explaining this and breaking it down.  They are discussing Reagan and taxes.

You are not going to see this on any other news program you watch.  Check it out.