My Service Elephant Likes Beans. Not Pleasant.

Snuck into the legislation on 9-11 is using biometrics on aliens who apply for citizenship. Also on their sponsors. You only have 20 days to comment, so go for it. Just be polite and make your point. We need no biometric collection for anything.


Your love is like playing tennis with your pancreas



Dear lefty

• Why were those 2 people graveside, wearing masks?
• good question - I'd say the damage is already done...

Washington, DC, is absolutely thrilled about the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Let me rephrase that...
Sad with the passing of RBG, Washington is absolutely gleeful at something else to fight about, and is getting its ammunition ready. Yes, it's a full Court battle. He said, she said, they said, you said! But what about...? The reps have controversial choices, the dems are lining up pr0n stars, male escorts, and drug dealers for each of them. Business as usual, but with renewed vigor... this Flying AIDS business was too depressing.

• Because I was curious, I discovered women did not drive tanks in combat in WWII. In 2015, the Defense Secretary said all combat roles were open to women. I hope there wasn't a parallel parking test..

 Experts say spending too much time on social media can be damaging to your mental health, especially when consuming too much negative news.

Told you so.
Another example of how pr0n will save us all.



Hey, did you know Americans are recorded by security cameras 238 times per week? This has me VERY ANGRY, for obvious reasons, plus not leaving the house much. Now I have to find all the cameras around my house - I told you they were recording me....

• They told me her booty was off the hook. All I said was somebody should put it back on the hook. Now I'm the bad guy? 
• While I'm mentioning it, I probably didn't need to put the 'FUN' into FUNeral the other day. 
• This is why I don't go out much.

Mark Chapman has apologized for killing John Lennon, saying it was a 'despicable act'. In spite of that, he was denied parole for the 11th time. He might as well scrawl a swastika in his forehead and go with the Manson Defense. I miss old Charlie... he was nothing if not entertaining (after he got caught).



Russian Interference Daily: Pravda says they're watching the election closely, for any signs of tampering.

• Mrs lefty noticed her friends were packing on the pounds. She refers to it as 'The Covid 15'.

Our good pals at NASA are spending over $28 billion to send a man and woman to the Moon by 2024. How do they know a woman will qualify for the task? Oh, I get it, Social Justice. Of course there are great female astronauts, but I'm old fashioned and believe in the best person for the job. NASA didn't go all SJW when they put people on the moon the first time; they picked the best people for the job.

Ok, so $28 billion. Peanuts, right? Especially considering the Flying AIDS bailout. I'm still confused over this Moon thing. We were there before. Why is it such an allegedly impossible task to go back? Shouldn't we go to Mars or somewhere else? Will the aliens give the ship parking tickets? Will NASA invent [cue echo] SPACE TAMPONS?



It's that time again: nomination for Supreme Court. Who's good?

• M. Mouse
• Richard Nixon
• that Jewish chick from the pr0n movies, with the really big...
• Kim Jong Illin
• Jeffrey Epstein
• Vladimir Putin
• leave your suggestions in the comments

Perhaps it's women of a slightly more sane generation who don't 'get' the whole sexting thing. I say this because I had to explain it to Mrs lefty, who's north of 20. I complained that, even though I'm north of 20, I think it's a great idea, especially pictures. She remained unimpressed.  So I decided to explain it to her [cue imposing music].

It's disgusting.
Think of it this way.
Uh-oh - I smell mansplaining...
I like boobies, right?
Oh yeah. But mine are yucky.
You're missing the point.
Usually.
If you send me pics of them, you're doing something I love. It's not how you feel about them, it's how I feel about them.
Nobody wants to see that.
*I* want to see that.
I can't.
C'mon, this is the girl who flashed me in the middle of a mall.
Well, yes, but that was a long time ago.
They're the same boobies, I hope.... how about verbal?
I'll have to think about it.
Ok, try this: tell me all the things you're going to do to me when you get home.
That I can do. I'm going to ask you to take the trash out. Then I'm going to have you wash the dishes. If you're really good, you can cook dinner. Did I do that right?
I guess a blowjob is out of the question.

In the end, I got the result I usually get: "We are not amused."


Happys

David Coverdale - Whitesnake (69- how appropriate)
Ray Charles
Roy Buchanan - talented, influential guitar player
Tony Hymas - played with Jeff Beck
Dan Toler - Allman Brothers/Dickie Betts, highly underrated
Julio Iglesias - not a guitar player
Linda McCartney - famous photographer, spouse


Our idols are collecting Social Security. This is disconcerting.
After the final war, when even the cockroaches have died, there will be only Keith Richards, shacked up with Betty White.


Unhappys

Robert McIntosh - Average White Band
Robert Hunter - dead, Grateful Dead
Buckwheat Zydeco - accordion, a favorite breakfast food



SJW Stinkies

A former YouTube content moderator is suing the Google-owned company for failing to properly protect her and her co-workers from the mental harms caused by reviewing hours and hours of graphic footage every day.  Ya reap what ya sow, YT. The people you hired to 'protect' us are suing because you didn't protect *them*.

According to a hashtag, it's National Mental Health Month.
I'm beyond help, but the rest of you suffering need to talk to someone. It turns out you don't have to feel like this. Your first step is to ask for help. You can ask the standard therapists or mental health workers in general. If you can't afford it, check with your city or county: there are programs for you. Oddly enough, some religious institutions can help (I know a pastor who took psychology so he could help, instead of telling you to pray on it). Talk to friends and/or relatives. Someone knows someone who can help. There is a way back to 'normal', WTF that is. Remember: if you're depressed, you might not come around to read this blog, which would make me unhappy. Leave a comment if you need to chat - they are not public until made so.

statues are fighting back..

Brussels Sprouts

Marshall the cocker will eat raw Brussels sprouts, but he prefers them slathered in butter and salt.

Moments after the explosion, the French rushed right in and did the right thing: they surrendered to the Brussels Airport, American Airlines Division.

• In England, sexting among under-16s is 'skyrocketing', leaving the rest of us to wonder, longingly, where this technology was when WE were young.

The FBI is warning new car owners about hacking risk (from the FBI).

• Batman vs Superman? We have truly exhausted every plot imaginable. God vs Muhammed? The Tick vs Bipolar Bear?

The self-lacing shoe? Have we finally reached the point where we're too lazy to tie our own shoes (people in pain aside)? I appreciate the surety of taking the trash out and untying my shoes automatically (and tripping). Or running out after the dog at 3am because he's barking. This way, the neighbors get the dog barking and me cursing over shoelaces magically coming untied. I think the neighbors look forward to these events (it's a quiet neighborhood). But seriously.. self-dressing underwear? Auto-install bras would take half the fun out of things.

• What happens when you introduce an innocent Artificial Intelligence chat robot to Twitter? Well, it's kind of predictable - you get an evil Hitler-loving, incestual sex-promoting, 'Bush did 9/11'-proclaiming robot. There is a slight possibility that aritficial intelligence is not ready for prime time.

A woman has married the sperm donor father of her child. Dates, like sperm, are hard to come by.

• TMZ, the foul, evil, stupid tv show, has been sued for naming the wrong rapper who cut his penis off. Is this a thing now?

A Saudi prince has been sued for trashing a $100,000 Hollywood mansion via wild cocaine, stripper-fueled parties. Who knew the Saudis could party like this?

• Flight MH370 has become so good at not being found that a remote-controlled robot that was searching for it disappeared.

Bill and Ted 3 is waiting for a script and has studio support. This includes Alex Winter (who is working on a Frank Zappa movie) and Keanu Reeves. Whether or not we want to see it is anyone's guess.

When I die and go to hell, it will look just like Chuck E. Cheese

Why Are There Lemon Bars?

When you first come upon ThermionicEmissions, after the shock and horror has worn off, please check out the Pages, found right above this text. Recent additions are the timeline for Hillarygate and Windows 10 cautions.


In a recent survey, 88% of adults said that they have sexted with someone -- 82% in the last year. So prove the psychologists right and get busy with those phones. Sext someone today. Your SO, your mistress, your relatives, random strangers...

• A Microsoft study finds technology hurting attention spans. Walrus!

Here's a Sad and Funny: Imagine if everything were priced like cable service.

• The Army wants you to watch more tv! No, really... the freedom of our nation depends on it. Read about how the crap that passes for entertainment fits in with the Army's plan... specifically mentioned was Americans Idle.... I told you so.

On the one year anniversary of the Ferguson riots, fifty people looted a beauty store, after an otherwise peaceful day. The residents are apparently upset because the police are infringing on their right to riot.

• Who woulda seen this one coming? London's gay establishments are closing due to tolerance. It's almost no fun being gay anymore.

China has been reading the emails of many top US officials. Not their secure government emails... their Gmail and other provider emails. Why are government officials using Gmail? Why did Hillary have her own server for official government businesss?

• Bob Guccione Jr has declared that today's music is no good. Stars are more interested in their social media strategy than their music.  Are you serious Bob?  Did you just come to this momentous conclusion?

Ready for the Internet of Things (IOT)? Already there's a drone that can map and hack it. Watch out what you're plugging in at your home.

• Greece has reached a deal for third bailout. What could possibly go wrong?

Hillary Clinton says all work-related emails from her private server were provided. She went on to emphasize that Bill did not have sex with that woman.

• The EPA has apologized for saying that it was cleaning up abandoned mines in Colorado. What they meant to say was that it dumped a million gallons of toxic chemicals in to the Animas River in Colorado, causing the water to turn a bright yellow.. In other news, the EPA has apologized for saying that a million gallons of toxic chemicals have been dumped into the Animas River in Colorado. What they meant to say was three million gallons of toxic chemicals have been dumped into the Animas River in Colorado. Fox reporter Megyn Kelly has blamed the spill on Donald Trump. UPDATE: the EPA says it was 'very careful' (when spilling three million gallons of toxic chemicals into the Animas River in Colorado).

In North Carolina, a man in a clown costume swung an axe at a woman. The woman was not hurt, recognized the man and swore out an arrest warrant. What has this country come to when a man can't dress as a clown and swing an axe at a woman? Isn't this why Ben Franklin fought the Germans? 

• President Obama issued an executive order calling for a massive boost in the power of supercomputers. The president also called for repeal of gravity and quantum adult novelties.

In a banner day for politics, California Governor Jerry Brown (ex-Linda Ronstadt) signed a law banning the word alien from the state's labor laws. Also banned were the words elephant, dingleberries and sanity.

• Astronauts declare the first space-grown salad awesome. California Governor Jerry Brown immediately signed a law banning space lettuce from the state, saying it disenfranchised undocumented lettuce-pickers.

Three people were hurt when pranksters entered a theater in Newport Beach, brandishing a leaf blower. A common thread in these attacks is theaters. California Governor Jerry Brown has signed a law banning theaters from the state. The governor refused to comment on leaf blower legislation at this point.

• Meghan Trainor (All About that Bass) has cancelled the rest of her tour due to 'ongoing problems with her vocal cords'. In other words, even Meghan realized there is nothing there.

Why yes, there is a machine that turns poo into water. Watch our presidential race flow (further) down the drain!

• Think you live in a funny place? Try Licking, Ohio.

Padi the labrador's fate is in the hands of a judge. He is accused of biting a 4 year old child. The child chased the dog and threw things at him. The only fair solution is to put the child down.

• Marijuana farms have been engulfed by the fires in California, releasing smoke in the area (causing a marked increase in the number of flights over the farms).

A woman used her Fitbit (heartbeat measuring device) during sex and posted the results online. The Fitbit “started after foreplay, so the preceding 20 minutes are untracked,” (she bragged).

DR WHO?

I'm going to take a left hand turn, being a left-handed kinda guy. Most of the musical treats here will be guitar players. Today is a rare piano player, although he does technically play guitar (rarely). I give you Mac Rebbenack, aka Dr. John. Dr. John has been around forever and is a fixture everywhere, no less in his Louisiana neighborhood. I saw him open for Little Feat, which was my pleasure.

One of my favorite Dr. John tunes is Iko Iko. This song tells the story of the collision of two tribes of Mardi Gras Indians. The words are flat out impossible to understand or write out, without visual aids and copious amounts of New Orleans Hurricanes (the drink that's just to the right of the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster). 

Iko. Iko. Iko Iko unday. 

Jockamo feeno ah na nay

Jockamo fee nah nay.

I strongly suspect it means I've fallen and I can't get up.  Another translation is Respected gentleman, your mother is a garbage truck.

The next tune came up on my player's rotation. In a Sentimental Mood caught me completely by surprise. Completely free of guitars, I was not prepared to like this song so much but it leaped out and hit me over the head, gently.  Lastly, you know this song. If you don't, you're either ten years old (and shouldn't be reading this blog) or you missed it while you were at the Miley Cyrus concert. I used to sing this song with my not-so-talented cover band. Listen to the tasty guitar solo... (I had to get one in there).