The Pizza Has Developed Ants

What's the best thing to say to a very mad, agitated person?
Calm down.
It's the best thing because it will piss the person off more, providing additional entertainment for you.

• Today's best police call: Car vs House
• Todays worst tv utterance: This olympic sprinter is taking it all in stride
• One can purchase vegan shampoo. Hopefully it's caffeine and gluten free
• When is life officially over? When you've been told you're no longer welcome at Walmart.

Perhaps it's better that Wife and I are not in the same room (or house) in the morning. So far I've been interrupted six times with Various Important Stories from whatever morning show is giving her ideas.

If you want to protect your kids from being tagged Nerd, you better get ready for Inside Out Pants. Yes, pants that look like they're inside out. Buy seven at only $1,100 per pair! Think of it as an investment in your kids' mental health and self-esteem.

The mascot for the Trenton Thunder, some sort of sports team, is a pork roll. Although that might be a plus for some locals, it proves we're beyond embarrassment. Why not the Trenton Scrapple? Probably because there's already a scrapple team in Philly.

The Good Neighbor, who Marshall trained to feed him on command, picked Tuesday to hose down the outside. Spritz. Spritz. Only she doesn't leave the hose on... no.... Spritz. Spritz. Spritz.

Hey, I should try to fix this.. Spritz. Spritz. Spritz.
Laptop..Spritz. Spritz. Spritz. Tonight..Spritz. Spritz. Spritz. Spritz.
You know what would be gr... Spritz. Spritz. Spritz. A malt! Spritz. Spritz.
She's a really nice neigh..Spritz. Spritz. Spritz.
Ever see a garden hose enema? Spritz. Spritz. Spriiiiiiitz. Spritz.

• Our good friends at PETA, because they haven't gotten much press lately, have demanded that Aretha Franklin's (RIP) family donate her furs to Charity. 
• I'm in Deep DooDoo because one of my readers is a member. As an animal lover, I agree with some of their platform, but they are a bit silly sometimes. I miss Act Up, the AIDS group, which would pull very silly public stunts, like carrying coffins and throwing condoms. Those people were creative.
• PETA got caught euthanizing dogs a while back, so their authority is somewhat questionable. Ultimately, my commitment to free speech overrules anything else.
• I am informed that the demanded furs are to make PETA's rescues comfortable. I love comfortable animals, but this strikes me as somewhat hypocritical.
• Perhaps ThermionicEmissions needs to start publicly demanding things... I demand Hollywood actors and actresses do unpaid internships at Second Amendment organizations. I demand the executives of major social media sites (FB, Twitter, Google) do unpaid internships at First Amendment organizations. I demand that the president take creative writing and when to shut up courses. I demand that Steven Segal donate his 1954 left-handed Stratocaster to ThermionicEmissions and $500,000 to left-handed charities. If he can't find any left-handed charities, start one.

Q.  How do you have the Best Sex Ever with Hollywood actresses?

1. get naked
2. get on top and start the fun
3. whisper in her ear, "I just made a donation in your name to the NRA."
4. hold on for dear life.

Really bad broadcast television is showing up all over the place. You know - the channels way up in the UHF band. They run all sorts of ancient shows, probably because copyright has expired or some other ridiculous reason. Today's treat was Adam 12, where you can hear phrases like "Don't give me that jive" and "what about the fuzz". I heard a familiar voice and looked up - Mickey Dolenz (The Monkees), as "Oiler", per the credits. After that, it's Emergency (KMG365 is their call sign). Some classic Bad TV. Who would have imagined that their large box radio used to call the hospital would turn into a small thing that everybody carries, with all the answers?

• Know what's telling and depressing? When watching COPS, I might find the police arresting a really cute female. Within seconds, I find out they're being arrested for meth or something. Yeah, I like them skinny. And drug-dependent, apparently.
• I also notice that most of the people pulled over have much nicer cars than me. They're not employed and I have a good job. I still love my Hyundai, and will buy another one when the time comes.

I just saw my second commercial for Born Like this. Still no idea why people watch it. The commercial was about two people in the show getting married. It is absolutely adorable when my dogs occasionally had their tongue hanging out the side of their mouth. After seeing the bride's face, I'd prefer my wife not do that. And that's all I have to say about that.

• Today I got email letting me know ukulele kits are 50% off. Of course they're 50% off - it's rude to play ukulele or speak French in public.

Google (Do Evil), due to a flaw in their Chrome browser, can associate your incognito data to your other identified data. Of course Google claims they don't do this, and they'd have no reason to lie (see FB).  This also includes android data from Chrome on your phone. All of this comes courtesy of one of their ad partners. I'm pretty sure the stock android browser is built on Chrome.

I don't want to point out an issue without offering a solution. 
The obvious: Don't have anything to do with Google. This includes Google the search engine (use duckduckgo.com). You can de-Google your android phone, but it's beyond the scope of this missive (take your email address off the phone and use an alternate store like apkmirror.com or aptoide.com). Don't use gmail because it's read and because it's Google. Install a good ad blocker, which will go quite a bit toward keeping your information private. If you can root your phone, you'll get the best protection (do a search on rooting unless your carrier is Verizon, which won't be rooted). Don't use Chrome browser or the stock android browser. Use Firefox, Waterfox, and others, on your desktop too. Also make sure the browser isn't based on Chrome.

You'll get a lot of information by doing a search. You can also ask here.

The Mailbox

I was ahead of the curve when I was very little. Tools were acquired and I liked to play with stuff. I took vacuums apart and somehow managed to get them back together. This is extremely odd and ironic, as I want nothing to do with them today. 

Now that I'm a homeowner, these skills come in handy.

Actually these skills would come in handy.

But they don't actually come in handy.

I don't know what the hell happened, but I have gone Stupid. I still have my tools, some of which are actually in my toolbox, except for philips screwdrivers, which are like socks, disappearing into the Matrix. I just don't use them.

When I can, I prefer to pay or barter for fixing things.

A few years back, a brother-in-law, who could build a barn out of a piece of wood and two matchsticks, came by and showed me how to install a mailbox. Turned out to be pretty easy, but I had no way of knowing.  Unfortunately the brother-in-law, as well as the mailbox, are gone. Well, almost gone. The mailbox is leaning precariously. Poor mailman.

After way too long of beating me about the head, my wife 'convinced' me to install the new one. I was worried, as it had been here long enough to rot, like the old one. It actually looked relatively easy (cue ominous music). The first thing was to ignore any sort of concrete and literally put a screw into the ground. When I say screw, I mean a thing slightly larger than a baseball bat, with threads. They gave us a piece of 3/4" thick rebar to twist it into the ground. I got this, I said to myself, which, unfortunately, I said out loud. I began screwing (shut up) and discovered it was failing to screw, even putting all my considerable weight into it. Ok, maybe I hit concrete. I moved left and screwed again, with exactly the same result. IS MY ENTIRE HOUSE BUILT ON IRON or slabs of concrete? I sat down on the steps, with water dripping off me. I couldn't tell if it was sweat or tears. Probably both. I went into the Wayback Machine, when my tools and I could actually complete a task successfully.

One foot over proved to be the key and it screwed in fairly easily, by which I mean halfway.

It was the nastiest part of summer. Ninety degrees with close to ninety percent humidity. Walking down the front steps provided enough sweat to require a shower, no less screwing something into stubborn grass and dirt. Sweat was dripping all over me. Don't forget, I'm a network security guy. The most exercise I get is walking to my computer (and scouring the house for a philips screwdriver). I was a mess. After getting the screw to its estimated height, it was time to attach the baseball bat sized 4x4. This attached with very long screws, for stability. The whole thing was well engineered and very simple for those who aren't simple and can assemble things. I really missed my brother-in-law, moreso. The screws required a socket wrench or box wrench to install, as they were three inches long. I ran to get my handy sockets, which were, for some reason, all together in my toolbox.  I noticed I didn't have a box wrench in that size anyway, so it was the socket set. I was so proud to have the right tool at the right time. I got to screwing and quickly noticed that the wrench itself had a stripped gear, barely catching for long enough to turn the socket. Oops.. in the deepest recesses of my failed memory, there was a wrench that I was going to take to Sears and exchange, because of the lifetime Craftsman warranty. A long time ago. Really long.

I got two screws in far enough for the 4x4 to stand damn near vertically. Since most of the house (and its occupants) stand damn near vertically, it didn't look out of place. All I needed was to finish screwing (shut up, still) and the thing would be done. Since it was wobbly, we put the mailbox part on the step for the time being. Poor mailman. And it was off to Sears for the replacement ratchet. When I say off to Sears, I mean it went on The List. Weeks later, we still haven't made it to Sears, the post continues to lean precariously, and the mailbox has taken up near permanent residence on the step. And Wife keeps telling me we need to finish the mailbox. Like most bosses, 'we' means 'you'.  To be fair, 'we' have had Very Important Issues, preventing us from getting out. I believe her when she tells me this, although I have no real idea what the Very Important Issues are. Since I'm married, I'm happy to take her word for it. Happy Wife, Happy Life.

I was hoping to get out today, provided there were no Very Important Issues preventing us from going. After all, it's the weekend and I was up at the crack of noon. I stumbled down the stairs drunkenly, which was a shame because I don't drink.

I promise to keep everyone updated, should the mailbox become completed, perhaps because the brother-in-law resurrected long enough to complete it. Poor mailman.

The Unemployment Follies (#6) - Lefty's Flying CIrcus

Yes, it's another installment of the Unemployment Follies, starring the leftystrat household; the wives, the pets and me.  Judging by the title, you know I'm still without serious employment (or even non-serious employment).

SINKING?

How are things, you ask?
Things are, by and large, still things, only shrunk down by fifty percent. It getting time to call some creditors.  Do you think I can explain to them that since my income dropped by fifty percent, my payments will drop accordingly?

Perception is everything, though.
To anybody looking in, I must look like I'm on some pretty heavy drugs. I spend every day looking for jobs for a few hours, then do some housework (while my wife holds me at gunpoint).  But I'm surprisingly calm.

Of course, I'm probably the only one who's calm. The wife is absolutely Not Impressed with my state of Not Working.  She (et.al.) is in a state of PTSD-induced unrest.  She keeps me on the straight and narrow, memorizing my phone and in-person interviews and asking me if they're still happening.  While the dog is still loving having me home, the wife is definitely not.  Since I have been home, she has taken up a new hobby: laundry.  Nobody knows why but a girl has to have her recreation time.  I tired telling her that it's not necessary to wash clothes every day but there's no dissuading her.  I was kinda hoping she would take up nymphomania but things don't always work out the way one would like.

The neighbor who asked if the house will be going up for sheriff's sale has been really nice, bringing over stuff from the garden.  The other neighbor has been leaving care packages.  For some reason, they include a lot of bread.  Fortunately the dog loves bread, as if we could keep him out of it.  My mom just made us dinner.  We're not destitute by any means but I feel rich in friends and family (ok, and slightly embarrassed).  I even took down the NOT STARVING sign on the house.

AUTO-MOBILE

I'm not exactly certain which neighbors know what but the reactions are priceless. The lady across the street came over to congratulate my wife on the new car.  My wife had to tell her it was a rental.  The good neighbor took one look at the rental car and said, "Oh dear... not again!"  Several other neighbors no doubt think we own a car lot (or are drug dealers).

I have come up with a solution for our next car.  The first part is to NOT LET HER DRIVE.  The other part is to purchase the car and three entire sets of bodies (to be stored at the body shop).  This way, when people hit us (and they WILL hit us), all we have to do is drop the car at the shop and have them replace the body part(s) from our existing inventory.  We won't even have to call the insurance company (at least until we're through the three entire sets of bodies).

Speaking of accidents, my dear wife finally realized that she has a sprained knee and opposite ankle.  This is somewhat compounded by both of her feet swelling like clown feet.  The neighborhood children want to use them for pool floats.  In fact, she's sitting next to me as I type this, blissfully unaware of the content.  Swelling feet are going to look minor in comparison with what she's going to do to me.

Speaking of doing things to me, I have to do my part to help by wrapping ace bandages around her ankles.  Here we are, with this perfect deviant sexual aid, and we're using it for health reasons. Again, I am embarrassed.


WHAT DO YOU DO ALL DAY?

So when I'm not job-hunting, doing housework at gunpoint or wrapping my wife's ankles for health reasons, there is always TV.  I prefer internet tv, as there's almost always something I want to watch. My wife, on the other hand, lives on broadcast tv. You know, old style, plug in the rabbit ears, horrible reception television.  What makes this really horrible is that she likes to watch ancient black and white movies (from just after they added sound) and really old, horrible sitcoms from before we were born. Leave it to Beaver, anyone?

The absolute worst time of the day is during the day, when all the court shows are on. Judge Lynn, Judge Stanislaus, and the most repugnant (and famous) show of all, Judge Judy.  I am convinced that we can eliminate the national debt by selling tickets to have a whack at Judge Judy with a two-by-four (with a railroad spike in it).  There's Divorce Count, People's Court and Banana Nut Bread Court. After being an involuntary spectator in all of these courtrooms, I figure there's really only one court we need: Grammar Court.  Have you heard how these people speak?

With any tv, you get the absolute best part - commercials.  There is a current commercial for a digital tv antenna that boasts tremendous reception and no cable costs.  For those of us with a functional brain, this is a rabbit-ears equivalent that's being sold as a small miracle.

I also discovered that with a certain cable service, one can DVR up to fifteen programs at once.  This is stunning news, that must be reported at once to either Guiness World Records or your local exterminator.  The first thing that occurs to me is why you need to record up to fifteen programs at once when you can barely find one program that's even halfway decent at any time.

Then there's the sue Sue SUE attorney ads.  No matter what the ailment, they can get you MONEY. And they can do it NOW!  Their close cousins are the drug ads.  If you have suffered from a sore groin, hypertension or death, please call 1-800-SUE-YOU2.

Huh? If you have suffered from death, please call?  Dunno about you, but I'd love to be there to watch that phone call.

Today we got an extremely rare treat.. we got to watch CHIPS on the Antedeluvian Channel.  I never saw the show when it came out but I was aware of it and the fact that it was a joke.  Today I found out precisely why it was a joke.  Absolutely the worst acting, writing and shooting job I have ever seen.  You know things are bad when you find yourself longing for the clarity, wit, and fashion sense of The Fresh Prince of BelAir.

We watched stuff like that?
CHIPS was bloody huge in its day (tell them, Eric).

Also amusing were the wacky antics of the police in ADAM-12.  This museum-view of the police took place when people used dial phones and before police started randomly beating people, shooting dogs, and breaking into apartments, shooting babies, then discovering they had the wrong house.  They used antiquated phrases like 'Yes Sir', 'Yes Ma'am' and 'You get it, Pete.'  There was something odd about police in California arresting lowlifes with southern accents.


THE JOB

So how goes the job hunt?
Apparently pretty poorly, judging from the title of this post.  I hope I'm still going to be amusing when I get a new job.

Since I last wrote, I've been approached for jobs in Arkansas, New York, New Jersey and possibly Saudi Arabia (relocation costs covered!).  When travel time is over an hour, the job stops being local.

I'm told this is the time for information security people.  You'd think that the recent breaches at Target, Home Depot and (horrors!) Dairy Queen would indicate the need for security professionals.  One recruiter told me all the security people are employed (except for this one, obviously).

But I'm online, on phone and on the toilet a lot.  Things are opening up (so to speak).  I'm even in a pilot program from the state to help the unemployed find jobs.  The last time I went to the pilot program, the doors were all locked.  I suspect the pilot crashed.  It does make me wonder why I was specially chosen.  Is it because I'm the first ex-Jew they have ever seen?  Maybe it's because my dog is black.