I Used to be Pretty Good at Walking

 

Your love is like  Snausages (which smell exactly like Slim Jims)

• Where was the weirdest place you got a pimple?

Today I identify as  those little metal things that keep Ace bandages from unraveling once you put them on your limb.

Another great thing about living in the current time.... there was no internet when some of our parents were raising us, thus they wouldn't come across this article called "How to tell if your child may be a psychopath"

NEW YORK — Americans who love hitting the gym and taking selfies while they work out are more likely to exercise in the morning.

What about Americans who blog and generally don't get off the couch? The answer is we're better adjusted, because even if we did exercise, we wouldn't take selfies. We're aware enough to know nobody wants to see that crap.  

 

• Senators: CIA has secret program that collects American data
• The CIA is not supposed to operate on American soil against Americans. And this is just what was found. 
• Told you so. 

Beijing Olympic News  

Kamila Valieva, the 15-year-old Russian figure skating star who helped her team win Winter Olympic gold in Beijing, failed a drugs test in December.

China says the failed drug test is caused by sigfinicant anti-Chinese bias and demands Kamila be allowed to compete. China further suspects people are still mad about that Covid thing.

China is also pissed because the rest of the world has a first name and a last name, in that order.

• the Apple update for my work phone says it will correct something about Braille displays.
• is there an ADD display too? Maybe something for dyslexics or premature ejaculators? 

Oxymoron: Effective Meetings

Hold everything! Pause your surfing. Put your texting to bed. Put your calls on Ignore. AMERICANS IDLE has a new season!

• My mom, and later on, stepdad, supported me unequivocally.
• that may explain this blog. And a lot of shocked faces. 

Tesla Extravaganza

In today's Tesla news, pedestrian warning systems in 578,607 cars, aka 'Boombox' feature will be disabled. Boombox allows owners to play music through the external-facing speaker, which is said to 'interfere with safety standards.'  

BOOO to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, which simply doesn't want anybody having any fun.

Also in Tesla news, Tesla factory is “racially segregated workplace,” Calif. state agency alleges

I don't approve of discrimination, but I don't approve of the state being allowed into the business of private business.

'Full Self-Driving' clips show Teslas on train tracks and fighting for control. Experts see deep flaws.

Full self-driving not ready for prime time. I told you so.

However, failing to stop for a pedestrian in a crosswalk is pretty cool. It will teach them to pay attention.

• Parent Livid After School Instructs 8th-Graders to Describe Sex Acts Using Pizza Toppings
• I'm trying to figure out what this would look like.
• Pepperoni won't fit through olives.... peppers are way too large for sausage... onions overpower beef....
• ok, it was a silly exercise at teaching kids you have to ask your partner what they want before sex, since it might not be what you thought.
• That's pretty clear and considerate. I might like pepperoni but she prefers veggie. But then again, would I really be having sex with a girl who prefers veggie?

Many Republicans think the NFL does too much for Black players and are losing interest in the league, poll shows

1. I did not create that headline
2. I am not a republican (I'm a libertarian)
3. I think the NFL is cuckoo for cocoa puffs, plus the players' shenanigans lately
4. I don't see this ending well
5. I think the NFL treats black and white the same - especially on Traumatic Brain Injury
6. Who fscking cares - I am the Anti-Sports

• if you're shopping for an android tablet, do NOT get any of the Amazons. Amazon sits on top of android and hijacks all your information for the benefit of Amazon. There are ways to de-Amazon the tablet on the web.

You just cannot kill everybody who doesn’t agree with you.

Dammit.

Sometimes practical advice is the worst.

The band of bad weather, including snow, has been over the area and not moving for hours. Sometimes I feel it's just a bunch of gray clouds, permanently over the area. Or just my house.

So it's snowing. Again.

this is a pretty normal and repeating sequence of events: it snows, I get aggravated. Sometimes I shovel. It's not like I live in the southwest, where it's not supposed to snow... I just wish it didn't snow here. The weatherguy said the band might slip into New Jersey, and good riddance, I say. We get enough from New Jersey - they can have our snow.

We were supposed to go out today, naturally. The only thing keeping the roads safe is that it's just above freezing. As soon as it goes down a few degrees, black ice starts.  Mrs. lefty discovered cars don't move as efficiently upside down, due to black ice, so we'll be staying in. Again. 

I had to change the tv channel, due to Sports Glut. First the Olympics, then football. The thing most mentioned was a halftime show. We are a nation of morons. I get credit for knowing all the names performing, and extra credit for avoiding them. The irony is that it's going to be really hot, wherever the game is (CA?) and it's snowing here. I'd gladly trade.

I rarely watch tv, but today it's going to be insufferable. Our Super Bowl party usually involves Monty Python movies and treats. Because I am the Anti-Sports.

• A man in upstate New York is fighting to keep his emotional support pig
• once again, the government pokes its nose where it doesn't need to be
• let them try to come for my service elephant....

On the Ice, a Question: Where Are the Black Figure Skaters?

Where are the white halftime show performers? 

• Destinee Lashaee Dies: ‘My 600-lb Life’s First Trans Castmember Was 30
• sheesh... who saw that coming?
• This is obviously discrimination against trans people
• hang on a second... this 600-lb person realized they were a different gender. How come none of the 600-lb people realize they were skinny?

My Hovercraft Remains Full of Eels

 Your love is like  a bone graft

Nothing fills me with joy and hope for humanity more than discovering Americans Idle is in its 19th season. Except that the bigger, better show is The Masked Furry. Rome is burning - who's fiddlin'? 

The CDC, always correct damn near all the time, said to end the hygiene theater. The Flying AIDS is spread through the air - stop sending Clorox stock through the roof.

America's Doctor, Dr. Fauci, will send out a statement disagreeing with this, in 5..4..3..2..1..

Now if we can only get rid of Security Theater at the airports.

Headline: Death Row Inmate Dies

U.S. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen on Monday urged the adoption of a minimum global corporate income tax, an effort to at least partially offset any disadvantages that might arise from the Biden administration’s proposed increase in the U.S. corporate tax rate. 

This appears to be a band aid for countries easing taxes on businesses.

1. Who is any country to levy taxes on other countries?
2. Why not go after the cause of the problem?
3. We're a One World Government, a-comin down the tracks

The ACLU is now sharing your info with Faceyspaces.

You can opt-out but you have to look for it.

The ACLU has done some great work, like them or not. This is not.

Today I identify as  axle grease

NATIONWIDE KETCHUP SHORTAGE

The country is in major panic.

People are taking off their masks and running into stores to find the precious red substance.

People may have to stop putting it on hot dogs and lunchmeat (a sick practice)

• Hollywood, soon to be back in business, is writing its first major picture as we speak: Covid 2 - This Time it's Also Fatal. If this is successful, you guessed it: Covid III - Mutated, Immune to the Shots

Today's Question: if someone with bipolar disorder is out of meds, can they consume lithium grease?

The Vatican has been digging a secret tunnel in Jerusalem in order to exhume King David's DNA and resurrect the Messiah, a rabbi has claimed.

This should be interesting...

He's my messiah.

No, he's my messiah. 

George Bush said God spoke to him personally. Maybe he can ask God what's up with this.

COMMENTATOR: In this corner, weighing 1,000 tons of treasure, is the Catholic Church. Tell us about the Church, Bob.

COLOR COMMENTATOR: Well, the church isn't as popular as it once was, owing to the decline in organized religion, and the worldwide coverup of child molestation. They still have almost unlimited resources and have long been the heavyweight favorite.

COMMENTATOR: in the far corner is Israel. 

COLOR: Long the underdog, Israel is a furious fighter, with missiles second only to the US. And Ralph, this is going to be a difficult one; bringing about the messiah. Especially when every mother thinks their son is the messiah.

Catholics believe that Jesus Christ was the son of God and the Messiah predicted to come and save the world from its sins in the Old Testament, and are holding out for his Second Coming one day.

However, believers in Judaism don't believe Jesus was the son of God, and are still waiting for the first coming of the Messiah. 

COLOR: So we have a fundamental difference of opinion here, Ralph, which should make for an interesting fight. I have to admit a tiny bit of skepticism here, over the claim that the Church is trying to get King David's DNA to build a clone to fool people into believing he's the Messiah. That's some dirty pool.

COMMENTATOR: Indeed, Bob. Indeed.

• LG is quitting the phone market
• bummer - they were a great alternative. I've had 2.

30 year old Soviet TV adaptation of Lord of the Rings surfaces on YouTube

Comrade, I look for ring

No, ring is for all peoples

Putin: ring is for me. I am President for Life

Speaking of which, Russian physicians studying why opponents of Vladimir "the Impaler" Putin always develop fatal diseases have suddenly ended their study. The verdict is that they were incorrect, everything is fine, and they apologize most humbly and sincerely to Mr. Putin.

• I just got a big-ass bag of caramel M&Ms. It says 'sharing size'.
• do I have to share? 

Mrs. Sri Lanka suffered head injuries after her crown was seized by a rival seeking her disqualification. 

Now this is what we like to see - the ratings will go through the roof!  All we need is to add Donald Trump and the ratings will top Americans Idle.

Chick fight!

• Many people are getting really upset about AI and facial recognition because it doesn't identify black people. Ummm..... let's think about this for a minute... isn't the goal in a free society to not be identified? I'd be damn happy about it. 

I didn't think this was going to be a bad time, but AAA is really making my head spin. Day One they tried to start, failed, then had to order a tow. Day Two I had to call and they said 'it was next'. Day Three they called with a list of suggested repairs. No. The battery price was obscene. Granted, I haven't purchased a battery in a while, but it was well under $100 and I installed it myself. This time it was pushing $200. JFC. Next time I'll know - buy and install privately. JFC.

They recommended a few other services, like those oil change places:

• one windshield wiper was starting to streak
• the animanicapistan was on the fritz
• three oil changes, because the battery died
• nose hair adjustment, because the battery died
• and the required air filter change because the battery died. the labor for replacing the air filter is $400. Any malady with any car will require an air filter, even if you just replaced it the prior day.
• the battery is guaranteed for 6 years, which is a lot longer than the car

This car is like that movie with the odd little lady and the girl who went 'into the tv' (Poltergeist?). The father character, Craig T Nelson, had a bit of an adversarial relationship with his station wagon. He gave it to the (American) indian character, whereupon it worked flawlessly. This car really doesn't like Mrs. lefty. Four other people have driven it and look at her like she's nuts because it works fine for them. She's terrified to drive it more than 2 miles. It misbehaves terribly - stopping, barely running, chugging, and parking itself in front of shoe stores. I've never heard of the last one, but Mrs. lefty does not lie.  What this means is that it's going to become 'my' car, and she gets to drive the nice new one. Smart woman. 

This may be the largest topic ever (not) covered on this blog: sleep 

Sleep info is relatively easy to come by, and is wrong only about 99% of the time.

My mom always said to get as much sleep as possible.

I find the more I sleep, the more tired I am. If I get over 6 hours, I'm dragging.

The 'authorities' say to get a lot of sleep. 

Some 'experts' say you have a sleep deficit. I can sleep 22 hours Friday and Saturday nights. These were the same experts who said to get the same amount of sleep every night. This led to Zombie Weekends, with or without alcohol-fueled mayhem.

No matter what they say, they're wrong. Or my body laughs at them. My body, like most of me, laughs at everyone.

If I get 4 hours of sleep, I'm fine, and good for technical and car racing tasks.

If I get 6 hours of sleep, I'm fine, and can get through work fairly asleep.

If I get 8 hours of sleep, I drag, and probably shouldn't try to fill up the car.

If I get 10 hours of sleep, I need 4 naps. Sex is fine, because that part never sleeps.

If I get 12 hours of sleep, I stay in bed because I'm too tired to get out. I start remembering dreams, which is not a good thing, if you've ever seen my dreams.

If I get 3 hours of sleep, I'm much better with small, intricate tasks, provided I'm not given small, intricate tasks. I'm more alive and focused, whatever that means. My camera is focused, not my person. Besides, people with ADD can't focus.

Although several units of excessive time are getting out of bed, starting to put socks on, and putting the 2nd sock on. You just sit there, in space somewhere. It's difficult to move. Not to mention the loud shriek every morning you hear the alarm. OH NO! NOOOOOOOO! JUST KILL ME NOW. THAT WASN'T 5 HOURS. BUT THE DOG WAS SNORING ALL NIGHT. 

Sleep: you're never gonna get enough. 

The latest Flying AIDS silliness is about handshaking and touch....

"The pandemic forced us to stop hugging, shaking hands: that's not necessarily a bad thing"

Please.

If you don't like to touch people, fine.

The pic (and the concept) is hysterical.

I guess the Boob Exam and the Genital Rub are out.

500 million + records leaked

Catching Up Around the Mansion

NEIGHBORS - WE HAVE NEIGHBORS

Remember the Crazy Lady next door?  The one who called the township because we had some plating materials on our lawn?  The county inspector was fairly amused at the entire claim.   Well, he apparently hadn't seen nothing yet because Sparky, the alzheimers-addled old fellow out back, called the township because one of his neighbors `had too many birdhouses in her yard'.  The poor inspector... he has to be wondering what's in the air over our block (nothing but black clouds, of course).


SO, WHAT ARE THE PETS INTO TODAY?

Everything.

Marshall the cocker is sitting on my lap the other day, content to have his flaps rubbed.  All of the sudden my wife sits down with a bag of Cheesy Poofs.  Marshall's radar clicked on with an audible BANG and his head rotated 180 degrees and kept locked on that bag of Cheesy Poofs.  Whenever the bag moved slightly, the head followed (keeping the proper angle so he could get rubbed also).

Finally he abandoned all pretense of sitting with me and devoted 100% of his attention to the orange bag on Mommy's lap.  Since Mommy was half asleep (Cheesy Poofs - breakfast of champions), she was moving a Cheesy Poof toward her mouth when Marshall intercepted it.  He crunched greedily.

The only thing better than Cheesy Poofs is kettle corn.  And the only thing better than kettle corn is CAT FOOD!

Speaking of which, my wife came downstairs this morning to a heartwarming sight:  Marshall had located the bag of Cheesy Poofs and was in the process of eviscerating it.  But he was sharing with Satan the cat, which is so sweet.  Marshall's method of consumption is akin to a vacuum cleaner.  Satan just sat there, licking one Cheesy Poof busily.

Normally I'd be upset but they're my wacky kids.  Plus there's a hidden agenda...  I only like Bachmann Cheese Jax.  My wife feels the same, however, every time she goes shopping, she seems to forget this and bring home a different brand.  Since I won't eat them, the pets are just doing me a favor: we're just going to need more so another shopping trip is in order.

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Just in case there were any doubts, Bill Clinton still has it.  Now let me ask you how many famous people `who should know better' pose for pictures with just anyone?  And why couldn't he display this level of taste while he was in office?

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There was encouraging news today from the world of the Great Unwashed.  Americans Idle has dropped thirty percent in the ratings, for its lowest finale ever.

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Lastly, I wanted to send everyone some good news for once.  I know this blog sometimes portends doom, whether at my house or in the world in general.  Today I bring you actual good news.

Gridlock is easing up in many metropolitan areas.

I thought to myself `how wonderful' and then wondered how gridlock can ease if there is no additional road surface to contain the volume.  Stupid me, I assumed the volume was constant.  No, the reason there is less gridlock is that the economy is in the toilet and gas gouging is at record levels.

But at least I got to bring you good news for once.

If Facebook Goes Below $30.....

Will it shut down completely?

We can only hope that someday we will be waving goodbye to Faceyspaces.

But then there's Americans Idle....

Why We Dumped Fox News (and... )

Whoever described television as a vast wasteland seriously understated the issue.

We're a broadcast tv family, first because we couldn't afford the rapidly rising costs associated with premium television; second because there wasn't much more happening there than broadcast tv.

After a year or two without cable/dish, we have come to a number of sad conclusions. 

1. There is little to nothing of value on broadcast tv
2. Broadcast networks don't care and run infomercials to prove it
3. Public tv is the only ray of hope left
4. If you want to watch anything other than reality shows, you're screwed
5. You will not escape with anything approaching information from the news
6. There is not one original idea in television

I was all set to be happy, not paying for dish programming.  What I discovered is that the quality of broadcast programming is horrendous, almost as if the networks are just biding their time until everyone just gives up on watching it.

In addition, the switch to digital was way overhyped and not in our best interest.  What else could we expect from the FCC and our friends in D.C.?  The signal strength is dismal, it requires additional equipment to function, and the weather has a negative effect on the picture.  There is no fuzziness - it simply stops working.

THIS IS NEWS?

We always hear about liberal (or conservative) bias in news.  Fox News is known for its conservative bias.  In spite of this, we became a Fox family, largely as my wife tends to watch it a lot (note: we're libertarians and there is simply no news available with a libertarian bias).  Since it's local news, they tend to add in all sorts of local angles, spending way too much time on Things That Are Not News.

When Americans Idle got popular, they used to feature all sorts of stories about it.  Why this qualifies as news is completely beyond me.  Since X Factor is starting up, there are all sorts of stories about it.  In fact, Fox News has become little more than a commercial for X Factor, along with other reality shows that come on after the news.  It's bad enough we're inundated with an insane amount of inane commercials for the shows; now we have to deal with them in the guise of news.

To add insult to injury, Fox News is now all about social networking.  Quite frankly, if I were interested in what's happening on Twitter or Faceyspaces, I'd look there; not my nightly news.  Of precisely what news value is Faceyspaces Friend of the day?  During the recent, ridiculously overhyped hurricane Irene, the news kept going to their `social media center' to tell us what people were saying online.  Even when there is no severe weather, the anchors seem to spend a frightening amount of time glued to their cell phones and laptops, frequently while speaking.

Whatever happened to reporting the news?

My wife finally awoke to this nonsense (or got tired of hearing me point it out) and declared we were switching news stations.  The first night, our local CBS news seemed to spend most of its on-air time on sports, plus a bit of weather.  And a lot of Dancing with the Stars.

We're not getting much world news.  We're getting nothing of value (yes, lefty, that's the idea).  There is still a news blockade on the mention of Ron Paul.  We hear nothing about the protests on Wall Street.  We do get to hear about Brad Pitt's relationship with Jen Aniston.

Bread and circuses.

Our ABC affiliate featured local stories of virtually no import.  Plus stories on reality tv.

My wife and I looked at each other in stunned silence.  The others were almost as bad as Fox News in their own ways.  Television is clearly not the place to go for anything resembling news (regardless of your preferred bias).

I know public television has some nightly news shows.  They're next on the viewing list.  After that, I'm going to continue my video news blackout and get my news from the `net, where there are infinite amounts of bias and sources to be had.  Perhaps back to shortwave a bit too.

Where do you go for a dose of something that looks like truth?