I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus

Ladies, gents, and readers of ThermionicEmissions: Happy Whatever.

We celebrate xmas, but only in the most commercial sense of the holiday. With a black xmas tree. We have a blue garland and I suggested wrapping it around Santa's neck, but I was overruled by She Who Must Be Obeyed. Yes, it's xmas day, and we're still considering decorating. We're lucky to get the tree out. Oh, who am I kidding, the black tree is for Halloween (last year), and also didn't get decorated for it. To emphasize the positive, the decorations have gotten really close to the tree this year, so that's something....

Things are different at ThermionicMansion.

I'm just happy to get a blog entry happening on xmas.

Once again I have a buttload of vacation days to burn up or I lose them. Work won't pay me for them, so once again, it's Forced Vacation! This means a lot of sitting, so we had to prep the couch.  Mrs. lefty has been spending too much time in close proximity to me (some say any time near me is bad) and has decided to stay in for Forced Vacation and xmas. Her close 473 relatives will not be happy. They expect I won't show up, but she kinda has to. The first year it was pretty bad; we walked in and I developed fear of people and dove under the first table I could find. Unfortunately (or fortunately) it was the women's table and there were a lot of short skirts. But the noise was so bad, I couldn't stand it; like when I went to the dentist and was so afraid, I didn't even look down the shirts of the dental techs.

I watched early on and noticed one of the brothers-in-law dropped off his wife and either stayed in his car or left. This became a goal of mine, one I have more than succeeded in. It drives Wife crazy, because they all still love me and say nice things about me. When Wife spends a lot of time visiting her parents, Dad says to thank me for letting her come. I play stupid, but inside I'm laughing hysterically. The key here is to set expectations (to zero) early on, then show up once a year or three. It's like Christ has come back and is playing guitar and singing (Black Sabbath) songs for the family.

My parents are steadfast in their decision to remain dead, so the holiday has changed a bit for me.

I feel the need to compose an xmas ditty.

We know I'm a bit skewed. As a result, it's very difficult to get me presents.

On the first day of xmas, my family gave to me

One gallon of cologne

And a yappy little rodent-type dog.

On the second day of xmas, my family gave to me

Two ugly sweaters  [redundant, I know]

 etc etc, like I'm going to type this all out.

3. a Taylor Swift cd

4. three matching mittens

5. Five Golden iDevices

6. a comb for my Male Pattern Baldness

7. ads on my blog

8. two right handed guitars

9. President Giveaway t-shirts

10. Dubya-signed plaque proclaiming America the smartest dang ol' city on Earth  

On second thought, no new songs.

Happy Whatever

Yes, Happy Whatever. It keeps the whining down.

Just remember to keep the Flying Spaghetti Monster in Xmas!

John Schneider, actor who played 'one of them dang Duke boys' and vociferous 2nd Amendment supporter, is in trouble. Again. He had a lot to say during the Alec "I never pulled the trigger" Baldwin trial, and he seemed largely correct. Now, not so much. He suggested publicly hanging the president. I want to drive home to my new readers that this is NOT a smart thing to say. I'm absolutely certain that Joe needs no help. Oh, and when someone threatens the president, even President Giveaway, the Secret Service takes offense. 

John had a few good points in his new deleted x/Twitter rant, but ThermionicEmissions does not condone violence. ThermionicEmissions recommends throwing them all out at the voting booth. As Joe was installed at the voting booth, ThermionicEmissions is very disappointed in some of you.

UFO caught on camera hovering over Air Force 1 at LAX during Joe Biden's fundraising trip to Los Angeles

I told the aliens not to bother, but they wanted to see what kind of extraterrestrial the president is.

Naturally the UFO was variously identified as lenticular clouds, ducks, Roseanne Barr, those meddling kids, and of course, swamp gas.  Freedom of Information act requests will read that there was nothing above the president's plane and that's their final answer. 

An LAPD helicopter was seen orbiting the object. Because if there's a vehicle that can cross space and time, then hover above the main man of the free world, for sure a helicopter will be able to handle it. They used their bullhorn to tell the object to PULL OVER or they'd hold them down with their knees until they couldn't breathe whatever it is they breathe.

Turquoise taillights tell you this Mercedes is driving autonomously

Mother to children: if you see turquoise taillights, STAY AWAY FROM THE CAR.

If you see a Mercedes, stay away from the car. BMWs too. Their drivers are complete assholes.

Musk floats idea of boat mod for Cybertruck

because the truck keeps rolling its windows down when it detects water.

 

When do cats play fetch? When they feel like it

was there ever a more obvious answer on this blog? 

We had a cat who would initiate playing fetch and stay with it. We had to stop when the dog kept  insisting the ball was his. When the cat died, the dog grieved for months.

Tesla recalls every car with Autopilot as feds say it’s too easily misused

Finally, the federal government admitted Americans are too stupid to drive.

Now that they got away with it, look for more things Americans are too stupid to do:

1. brush their teeth
2. vote (for other than R or D)
3. cross the street  (oops, jaywalking fines go to $1,000)
4. think (oops, COVID, do what you're told)
5. own a dog without a license
6. this sure ain't working out like I thought it would

Your Smart TV Knows What You’re Watching

I've been saying this for years. Think about your Fitbit, car, phone, phone apps, and anything that connects to the net. We need to demand better (and not use this garbage).

Tesco recalls Christmas stuffing mix because it may contain moths

 The British Moth Marketing Board is seeing red and wants you to know that there are many tasty stuffing dishes one can prepare with moths, so snap these up while they're still around.

 

Help, My Wife is a Plant

It was late. I wanted to go out because it was late. No problem, malls are open late before xmas.

Except this year. They close at 6pm on Sunday (6:34 in New Jersey). I was sad. Let's face it - because of the sad state of retail, I am usually sad. Well, the sad state of retail and the refusal of the doctors to give me the meds that work, instead of the ones that make my hair grow only on the left side of my body.

Naturally I blame this on President Giveaway and Idiot Governor Tom Wolf, who put mandates in place during the Flying AIDS pandemic and closed businesses and randomly decreed other businesses 'essential.' I wonder what it looks like inside malls. My guess would be Empty. As empty as it has been all year. All malls we visited were uncluttered by those nasty stores. At least one had a Cinnabon, which made the trip tolerable.

So I was sad and Wife did the smart thing; went to bed (naturally with Dog trailing her). It was the smart thing because it's not pleasant to be around me when I'm sad; less so when I'm angry. Things tend to go flying across the house. Things like glasses, Heffalumps, and 1970s Chevrolets. 

It's not that we're those odd pet owners, but Penny's not quite the puppy she was and the bed is really tall, so we bought her some stairs so she could get in the bed. Aside from Cockers for Cold Cuts, her other charity is Sleep Number Beds for Cockers. She was apoplectic when she heard other cockers don't have sleep number beds. She likes to stretch out. Unfortunately the sleep number bed belongs to the humans, but we learned to adjust. It's not that I sleep deeply, but I hear tell that the dog sometimes sleeps on my chest or my head. I laughed because I can't get Wife to do this.

Speaking of which, after we got married, we vowed we'd never go to bed angry. That's why I've been awake for the past 18 years.

After Thanksgiving, Black Fridays, Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday, there's now Green Monday, which  I believe is any Monday after Cyber Monday, retailers are out of their minds, trying to come up with more stupid sales days... let's help, shall we?

1. Bottom of the Barrel Monday
2. Shopping for ME weekend
3. Gift Card Tuesday
4. Buy a Stupid Gift Week
5. Not Really a Sale Wednesday
6. We're Out of Stock Thursday
7. Nose Hair Clipper Friday

Little Johnny's mom took him shopping, then remembered why she hasn't taken him shopping the past year. Little Johnny is going to grow up to have a blog, because he doesn't know any better and has no filters...

• Mom, that guy is a trans... transsexual, like Dad watches when you're not home.
• HEY LADY - stop picking your nose and eating it!
• Mom, that lady has a leash on her kid. Why can't I follow them and bark?
• Look! That lady has no arms!
• Hi, Mrs. Smith. What's a hooker? Mom says you dress like a hooker.

Tesla recalls every car with Autopilot as feds say it’s too easily misused

As much as  it pains me, I  have to agree with Tesla, but the correct title of the article is "Tesla recalls every car with Autopilot as people are too stupid to use it correctly."

Dropbox spooks users with new AI features that send data to OpenAI when used

 You can opt-out but it ain't easy 

Humana also using AI tool with 90% error rate to deny care, lawsuit claims

Humana sees nothing wrong, and is pretty excited by this result. Their humans only managed an error rate of 80%, so now more claims will be denied (especially cancer patients). Let's face it, folks... insurance is where you bet a very large, powerful corporation that they'll pay your claim. As they say in Vegas, "The house always wins."

 Let’s attempt to decode Google’s confusing new location data settings

Let's not. Just say NO to Google.

 Time slows down - really.

As I was sailing down over the steps, using air-gravity as the method, for the nth time, I think maybe it's a good idea to put a mattress at the bottom of the steps. A mattress and maybe one of those "I've fallen and I can't get up" buttons. No matter how many times I remind myself to remain in contact with ALL the steps, I find myself taking the airborne shortcut. Thus far I haven't hurt my head too badly, although many will argue this point.  I have a doozy of a nasty-looking line on my arm. People might say I tried to commit suicide, but it's too far up and in the wrong direction. This goes to show you how bright people who say I tried to commit suicide are. 

Xfinity waited 13 days to patch critical Citrix Bleed 0-day. Now it’s paying the price

For those of you playing along at home, there was a nasty flaw in some Citrix equipment. Xfinity did not patch the flaw immediately and got hit. Data on 36 million customers is in the hands of hackers. As for Comcast paying the price, I'm sure a very serious wrist-slapping is in order.

As we're watching commercials (the only thing left on tv), we start to notice people wearing these glasses that appear to be made of very dark I-beams. Mrs. lefty says they look like they're wearing furniture.

Is the Glass Half Full or Half Empty? It's Both, you Nimrod

While I'm sitting there, trying to decide whether my pancreas pain is mild to moderate or moderate to severe, I look down into a large zippered bag with art supplies. Naturally the 'I Can't Believe it's not Butter,' spray is there. Naturally. I mean, what kind of idiot doesn't go there to look for butter substitute?

We have 2 remotes. Ok, actually we have 12 remotes, in the Remote Bag, but only 2 that are functionally used daily; 1 for tv power, 1 to change channels, volume, and intelligence of the commercials (forever broken).  I noticed it was broken when I tried to raise the IQ of the commercials for a car online purchasing service (Car-something, right?). The denizens of the commercial, all hopped up on some recreational pharmaceutical or other, are insane with glee because they can set their payments. Some hurt their legs from jumping up and down. Others blow out their voice shouting. And the ringleader is sometimes this long-haired lady with zero softness and zero likability; the kind of lady who stabs her coworkers when they're not looking. In fact, she's downright nasty. Now I'm generally good at figuring out who this crap is marketed to, but this leaves me baffled. It's borderline insulting. I'm thinking maybe kids who listen to Taylor Swift (because no adults listen to Taylor Swift) or people who soil their panties when numbers change on their phones or there are pretty pictures, or people who just like buying alligators. Last night every commercial break featured this commercial, resulting in a result the car company thought about: people hate the commercial so much they won't use the service. This does not affect me, as I hate everything, long before the commercials appear.

As you'd expect, 1 of the remotes went missing. This is somewhat surprising, as 1 is used right before the other, the result being that 1 is used right after the other one. Only at ThermionicMansion, we get worried if this doesn't happen. And sure enough, we were short 1 remote. The problem here is that it's the channel-changing remote, so we were, in the vernacular, fscked. Fortunately and surprisingly, the Flying Spaghetti Monster looked down upon me kindly and the tv was already tuned to the channel I sought (the one with the 1970s show 'Emergency,') because I like to watch it at lunch, and because it doesn't treat the viewer as if all their brain cells suddenly went to North Dakota in the middle of winter, for a nice warm vacation. 

You have to know what happened next, right? After a 57 minute search, the errant remote was located, in an upstairs bedroom, in a hidden spot under the floor, in yet another zippered art supply bag. Since the concept of just putting something back in its correct place is way too bizarre for the people (and animal) that live in the house, I decided that we will no longer have art supplies in the house. Mrs. lefty suggested we put them in the basement, but I overruled this, as we'd have to walk downstairs to find the remotes or lettuce.

Pharmacies share medical data with police without a warrant, inquiry finds

Shocking! No, wait, what's that other word.... expected.

The growing abuse of QR codes in malware and payment scams prompts FTC warning

 lefty says Just Don't. These codes can take control of your phone or parts of it. There is little in a QR code that can't be found on a website.

Proposed US surveillance regime would enlist more businesses

Big brother, big sister, big business. 702 up for renewal - contact your reps and tell them NO. Don't listen to any crap about the terrorists and child pornographers winning; this is our right to privacy!

5 Most Privacy Focused Web Browsers

Written from an open-source/linux POV, it holds for any operating system. Notice that Chrome isn't there. You can do a lot with Firefox, which remains my recommendation. 

Tesco recalls Christmas stuffing mix because it may contain moths

Aside from that, it's perfectly fine.

 

Solar wind gave Mars a breather and its magnetosphere inflated

Good... now the Rover can keep its hat on.

 

H&R Block launches AI tax filing assistant

Yeah, let's use AI against the IRS. What could possibly go wrong?  

 

Your Smart TV Knows What You’re Watching

Of course it does. It's been doing it since smart tv's came out. Told you so.

 

Princess Excretia

Yeah, the title refers to Dog, whose new meds make her pee a lot, sometimes in the house.

Your love is like  random excretia from Dog (or cat) (or service elephant)

Worm’s rear end develops its own head, wanders off to mate

Some would say this explains Congress, bur I hold out for the entire political process these days....

 

HP printer app is installing on PCs whether they have HP printers or not

Which, as they say, can be a real bummer if you don't have an HP M106w.

"MS says printers should mostly still work."

These guys are hysterical.

 

You Say Potato, I Say It’s a Vegetable—a Loaded Topic for Debate

US Diet Committee Debates Whether Potatoes are Vegetables or 'Starchy Grain'

 

Your tax dollars at work: botanists say potatoes are a vegetable, but the US Diet Committee says they're an airplane. We sure contribute a lot of tax dollars.

A maverick physicist is building a case for scrapping quantum gravity

“When we started, maybe 99 percent of our colleagues thought we were crackpots and that’s now down to maybe 70 percent,” quips Oppenheim, of University College London.

 What they don't know is that 70% is the threshold of gravity in quantum physics. Or Doom Theory.

23andMe updates user agreement to prevent data breach lawsuits

CEO: What's with our security?

CIO: We sent it off to vacation in the Virgin Islands.

CEO: When?

CIO: Only.... about.... a couple years ago.

CEO: Well, at least it wasn't a decade.

CIO:  [silence]

CEO: 5.1 million users had information leaked!

CIO: Yeah, that's a real shame.

CEO: The Virgin Islands are an expensive place to live when you have no job, Bob.

CIO: Don't worry, I have it all wrapped up.

CEO: How?

CIO: We just change the user agreement so they can't sue.

CEO: I take it back, you can go to the Virgin Islands with full pay. Just send Security back.

Teslas will be able to automatically call 911 if you get in a crash

You're saying to yourself that this is the second useful feature on a Tesla, after the fire extinguisher. Unfortunately, it won't dial 911 if if the crash is a Tesla-caused problem; only if it's the driver's fault. 

Mystery of the Missing ISS Tomato Finally Solved

Thank God. Some of the wackier astronauts claimed that the tomato was actually running the ISS. The Pentagon said Jesus ran the ISS. The tomato was lost months ago, out of shame, when Russian astronauts fought American astronauts over whether the tomato was a fruit or a vegetable. The reason the Russians left is that they discovered the tomato is actually a screwdriver. It kept their air leak under control for a few months. The tomato joins a vintage Playboy, a 3oz Subway hoagie, and the only functional pens on the entire ship. When asked for comment, the tomato said, "It's frightening - there are over 9,000 pieces of space junk and nobody driving. It's like a Tesla with no auto-drive. The entire ship is full of poop and the aliens tell really bad jokes. "

 

Be Decisive - more or less

Your love is like  shredded wheat

The surprisingly robust careers of Star Trek stars who became video game voice actors. 

Later this week, we'll have a war in Comments about which Star Trek was the real Star Trek.

Roar of cicadas was so loud, it was picked up by fiber-optic cables

It turns out more cicadas than thought visit Pr0nhub.

Hackers stole ancestry data of 6.9 million users, 23andMe finally confirmed

Told you so, only I told you it was via (already) sharing with law enforcement.

Automakers’ data privacy practices “are unacceptable,” says US senator

Then he went back to his nap. Just kidding, this is Markey, who occasionally has some good ideas about privacy.

California pilot who crashed plane for YouTube clicks is headed to federal prison

but he got the views!  Pretty soon you won't be able to step outside for the falling planes for views.

Plants may be absorbing 20% more CO2 than we thought, new models find    

Well, isn't that interesting....

 

COP28: Head of UN talks hits back at climate denial claims

strange coincidence, no?  

UK porn watchers could have faces scanned

annnnd it begins..... 

FDA warns chemical company not to mix brake cleaner into hand sanitizer

This is not the first warning....

 

Horseradish root - a favorite of women everywhere

The Pitter Patter of Nuclear Weapons

Mom said, "You're not like the other boys, lefty.

Wife said, "Your brain does not work like other people's."

What you mean is that my brain doesn't work. You can't fool me, with yer motherly love and yer wifely tolerance.

After putting together an external fan to cool a laptop, I realized I neglected to consider the negative effects of the dog interfacing with the power supply. In one move, she pulled both wires apart, which then shorted out, taking out the wall wart. Today I figured I'd like a little (more) aggravation, so I determined the wall wart was heaven-bound (or wherever wall warts go), located another wall wart, of the proper voltage, soldered it to make it 10% more dog-proof and it worked. Sure, it's louder than a 767, but the laptop is cooler.

Except the soldering. Once again my hands shook like a 90 year old meth freak with Parkinson's. The really smart person inside of me, way down deep, so far he's almost never seen, said I should go see a doctor; any doctor. I'm starting to think he might be right.

I have a box where I put all the superfluous wall warts and laptop power supplies. The professional people on tv, with initials after their names and tv shows guaranteed to last at least a week, would call me a hoarder. But when my fan needed a 12v wall wart, I dug into said box and pulled one out. When the dog shorted that out, I went back in the box and pulled out another wall wart. That's not hoarding; that's being prepared for future dog-related electronic circumstances. Just don't ask me about my stash of resistors, capacitors, and tubes.

I'm going to guess there aren't a lot of electronic hobbyists reading this blog. The blog's title, ThermionicEmissions, refers to how vacuum tubes (valves in the UK) work. I'll just do this for me...

Why do you have so many capacitance meters?

I like diversity.

How is that diversity?

I take a capacitor and measure it on 4 meters. Each result will be wildly different - that's diversity.

Then how do you know the value?

It's printed on the capacitor.

If my wonderful readers promise to have their friends read the blog, I promise no more electronics humor.

So let's set our scopes on Wife instead.

There are many things I don't understand. Getting married proved there were many more. 

Me: Honey, why are there upside down soda cans in the sink?

Her: Oh, I had to drain them before throwing them out.

Me: Ok, but why are they still in the sink?

Her: I am working more efficiently... I turn them upside down then go on to something else.

Me: I see. But they're still in the sink, thereby cutting efficiency by 50%.

Her: Were you thinking of sleeping on the couch again tonight?

I strongly suspect that is related to this:

Water is boiling. The whistle from kettle is deafening. People across the state know we have achieved very hot water. The instigator of this is nowhere to be found. Finally she comes through the door, cursing and screaming.

Me: Why are you screaming?

Her: Stupid water is boiling.

Me: Did this come as a surprise, after turning the burner on? Perhaps you could stay in the general vicinity of the water, then you don't have to come running while cursing its parentage.

Her: But I'm getting other things done...

Efficiency, as it turns out, is not.

Her: Yes it is: I get you to do it, cutting 50% of my duties.

Guys, no matter what you think your wife's IQ is, she's smarter than you.

Amazon packages reportedly overwhelm small post offices, delaying other mail

When they say 'delaying,' what they mean is that there is an agreement that Amazon packages have priority over regular old USPS letters. That's right - Humongo Corp now runs the US Postal System. On the other hand, it probably can't get much worse...

CEO Reminds Everyone His Company Collects Customers' Sleep Data

Remember this: Fitbits, watches, phones, games, and everything else collects data. Your data, which isn't yours anymore. The article is about a 'smart mattress topper.'