You Didn't Wound the Front Steps, Did You?

Your love is like  a 40' table for 2, where they're so far apart, conversation is impossible.

 

I love those How It's Made shows.

However, they don't always love me. Today, while eating, I learned how waste water is.... fixed? It was probably an episode better left for non-eating time. I learned that by the time the water is through the plant it has 80% less floating particles and 60% less phosphorus.

Ummm... 80% less floating particles?  

[new plant manager] Ummm... guys... hi. Nice to meet you. So... about this 80% less floating particles thing...  I'm just not.....comfortable... with it.

We're sorry, Sir. How can we make you more comfortable?

Thank you for asking. How close to 100% do you think you could get?

Today I identify as  a car condenser, which is actually a capacitor, which is no longer used in cars.

There's nothing funny about dementia.

Ok, there are just a few things.

My mother is completely obsessed with clear saran wrap. Nobody knows why. Whenever we visit, before we leave, we have to check the saran wrap, to make sure there's enough. Generally this task belongs to Mrs lefty. The other day, Mom chased me down the hall because Mrs lefty wasn't there.

Mom has the Industrial Size Saran Wrap - the size the animal processors use to wrap all the different parts, by the hundreds. Every time we check, there's still a ton of wrap. To make things easier for her, we bought her another box. For some reason, that was not good enough. So we have to check the existing box, which also requires discussion because it is thought to have less. When we mentioned the new box, a mild panic set in. All of the relatives are 15 minutes away, so if there's a Saran Wrap Emergency, we can drop what we're doing and get right over there.

The other day, I was all sorts of proud (chuffed for the British, WooWee for the Canucks) because I solved the Saran Wrap Issue. I opened the 2nd box and pulled the wrap through, making it ready to go in case of Saran Wrap Emergency. It's got this wonderful zipper thing that fits over the cutter, so you don't cut yourself (unless you try really really hard). She looked at it with suspicion and asked me to make sure she had enough in the original box.

Then I told her the problem with the toaster cord falling out was that one has to plug it all the way in. Apparently this is not the first time this has been discussed, but we can't get past the idea that it would work perfectly if she stopped pulling it out. We got the general feeling we had spoken heresy and politely backed out of the apartment, facing the Saran Wrap at all times.

Dear lefty  

• I get an erection whenever I'm around my girlfriend. It's really embarrassing. What should I do?
• f-ck her

For those of you who can't sleep, wondering what I did with my 6 hours of use or lose vacation time, I have your sleep aid: I took a whole day off. As you know, 8 hours is more than 6 (except in New Jersey), so I dipped into my reserves. But wait!!!! I also took another day off. Mrs lefty broke into applause and the doctors all said this is great progress, and they'd like to see me again as soon as I pay their bills from last time.

I feel like my life is finally going somewhere. 

It's going to sleep late 2 more days.

They let me in the kitchen the other day. This only happens at holidays or when my EZ Bake Oven breaks. Mrs lefty was in pain, so I got to cook. It was the least I could do. I came in in the middle of sweet potato pie casserole thing. Mrs lefty had gotten out all the ingredients, for which I was forever grateful. If I had to look for stuff, I'd still be looking for stuff past retirement.  "Everything in its place, and the place changes every day." 

There were several problems with me cooking, the first being I've never had or baked a sweet potato pie casserole thing. This means when I screw it up beyond belief, I won't know (unless it's red and crunchy). There's the tiny chance that I won't screw it up, but I still won't know. The pressure was massive. Fortunately it was just the 2 of us, plus the Chopped Liver Bandit.

Another small problem is the small print on the can. I used to be able to read War and Peace, printed on a grain of rice. Now I can't see the grain of rice. While funny, 3/4 tsp might read 3/8 tbsp and we'll wind up with a sweet confection that's mostly flour. 

After the fact, as one would expect, Mrs lefty made it to the kitchen and hit me with some Cooking Knowledge. Cooking knowledge that might have been helpful had I known it before they let me into the kitchen. Apparently 'mix' does not involve a mixer. Stupid me. 

Mix means Fold. 

Well, if mix means fold, what does fold mean? Which one involves the hand job... err... mixer?

Mix. 

Ok, how about mash- it was a really funny tv show? 

Oh no. No no. No no no no no no. You can't mash with that... thing. You need the masher. 

We have a masher?

Of course we have a masher - it's over behind the thing.

The thing?

The thing.

The thing?

You know.. the THING. The thingie thing.

Ohhhhh, the thingie thing. Why didn't you say that the first time? Nope, no masher.

Oh, sorry. It was under the sofa.

Stupid me. Why don't I ever start looking there? So I mash with the masher.

Yes. I have to sit down.

The other problem is ADD. I have to try really hard not to miss ingredients, instructions, and anything about ovens. When I'm done 1 step, it takes a while to figure out where I was. Entire sections of directions sometimes go unread, like that asparagus brownie cake last Christmas. 

Someone told me I am dyslexic too. This is less bothersome when cooking because 3/4 cup is just not going to be 4/3 cup. There just ain't enough medicine for this.

She watched me take it out of the oven. The kids helped me put marshmallows on it. Not a peep. This either meant it was as-expected, or she didn't want to hurt my feelings. Nah, it had to be as-expected. Hurting my feelings is a family sport.

I tasted it. Carefully. It definitely wasn't red and crunchy, so I had that going for me. It was... marginally ok. Kinda weird, like it could have been much better. The next morning, quite a bit was missing from the pan, so I figured someone liked it. There were no tombstones with RIP on them, so I guess it didn't taste poisonous. So tonight, as I go to bed, I'll ask Mrs lefty what she thought of it, as she's getting up out of bed. The secret to marital longevity is sleeping on opposite schedules so you never see each other.

We have established I cannot let the dog out because her mommy does it better. This morning the dog got up and I asked if she wanted to go outside. She got all excited, wagged her tail like mad, and ran back up the steps at top speed. Either she's not the smartest pup in the litter or she wants me to think she's not the smartest pup in the litter.

The Amazon Quantum Uncertainty Delivery Principle is still hard at work. The package that bent time at least one week still hasn't arrived, so I told them to do something physically impossible with it. Mind you, it's supposed to be out in the wild somewhere. I'm checking Ebay for a few things and the delivery times look pretty good, except things from Hungary, which can take up to a month. Even Asia has it down better. Drat - I was really looking forward to those Hungarian items. More hilarity will ensue, I promise.

We also need a name for buying too much in quantity. I needed 2 diodes (stupid little electronic parts). It was cheaper to buy 50 than 2. When I was 16, that wouldn't have been a thought.... sure - I'll use them eventually. Perhaps not so much now. Amazon Economic Scale Quantity Principle? Regardless, if you ever find yourself short of 1N4148s, let me know.

• One press rag listed groups most likely to receive Flying AIDS vaccines first. According to this list, I'm in one of the groups.
• Ha. Ha ha ha.
• HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
• I'm going to rent a Formula 1 car so I can get to the vaccine location first!
• Ok, stop it. I have to go to work now.

A few months ago, my email provider returned a payment, saying I was overpaid. Apparently I was over 4 months overpaid, cuz I haven't heard a word from them. I'm way too honest, so I called, and the number wasn't in use. I got them to email me: it seems my account was closed a year ago. This came as quite a surprise to my email.

I suspect it has something to do with my original local provider having been bought out 17 times since I signed on. Some of the buyers were exceptionally dim, but never failed to mail me a bill. Either that, or Bill Gates is secretly running my email server. That would not be pretty. People out in the middle of streets, ritually disemboweling themselves. Children being pulled into houses to be spared the sight, instead playing violent Playstation games. I'll bet Steve Jobs has a hand in this too... posthumously.

An Arizona college student has taken over 60 driverless Waymo trips during testing. I feel sorry because he must have a relative who needs one of his body parts or a spouse who needs the insurance money. "He says it's been rock solid." Videos show easily cleanable, modular passenger seats, which facilitate scraping passengers off and cleaning up bodily excretions. ASU psychology professor I.M. Dimme, says it's a sort of adrenalin rush, similar to jumping out of a plane. It's also mighty handy when constipated... it gets everything flowing nicely. It's good for suicidal people: they get an idea what it would be like to die, without actually dying (57% of the time). 73% of people who survive the rides no longer want to kill themselves.

While this fails in Arizona, New York looks forward to drivers that ignore them. One of the issues is listed as waiting for pedestrians in Costco parking lots. Anyone who has visited a Costco parking lot knows you're supposed to speed up for pedestrians - you're doing a service for the rest of the world. Waymo has come up with a temporary solution: a huge banner that says "WARNING: this car has no driver". It scares the crap out of the people in the parking lot, making them less likely to behave like assholes. Waymo is working on a solution for the inside of Costco, in the form of driverless carts. The feature is in early testing and has killed twice the number of old ladies than Waymo cars in the parking lot.

In 6 million miles of driving, there have been 18 crashes during testing; all with safety drivers in the cars. Waymo is currently hiring safety drivers without Faceyspaces accounts or phones. 

• Coke, Pepsi, and Nestle named top plastic polluters for 3rd year in a row.
• Spokesmen for Coke, Pepsi, and Nestle said, "We are proud to once again receive this award. Anything else?" 

Aliens in hiding until mankind is ready, says ex-Israeli space head

Granted, this is the New York Post, but he didn't make this stuff up himself - most of it has been around for years.
 

“They don’t want to start mass hysteria. They want to first make us sane and understanding.”

 Apparently the aliens have infinite patience. 

In sad news, IKEA is ending their print catalog. Now customers will have to go to the store to look at items they have no hope of ever assembling. In happier news, IKEA's assembly business posted 900% gains.

Flying AIDS

A 91 year old woman in the UK was the first to receive a Flying AIDS vaccine.

She was so happy she wanted to sing, but she had lockjaw. She raised her arms in celebration and only 1 fell off. The doctors assured her the full body rash and inability to breathe would go away once she went home and took some benedryl (or died). The doctors were unable to explain her sudden attack of libido and were tired of a 91 year old woman chasing them around the hospital.

She looks forward to her 2nd jab.

In Russia, the Sputnik V vaccine was rushed out to wary Russians.

Asked for comment, Yury said, "In all countries, Flying AIDS attack people. In my country, vaccine attack people."

In case you're curious about Pfizer's vaccine, here are 5 questions and answers. For my money, they don't exactly inspire confidence. Ymmv.

 

Trump administration is requiring states to submit personal information of people vaccinated against Covid-19 — including names, birth dates, ethnicities and addresses — raising alarms among state officials who fear that a federal vaccine registry could be misused.

UN: Don't hug

US: let the UN go - don't hug it, don't support it

While the UN is on a roll, they warn 2021 could be the bleakest and darkest year.

They should see 2020!

The UN may have a point - theaters are closing and there will be no place to show Covid-20: Son of Covid-19.

China developing biologically enhanced snipers who can 'see twice as far as human being'

Jeepers these guys are slow. We were at work on this 40 years ago.

The Australian white supremacist who killed 51 people at two mosques in Christchurch, New Zealand was radicalized by YouTube, according to a 792-page report on the March 2019 shooting.  No, he was not radicalized by YouTube: he allowed himself to be overly influenced by YouTube content. No, the driver of the car did not 'lose control' because the car wrested control away from him. No, the White House didn't say anything. Let's stand up and take personal responsibility.

• Idiot Mayor quarantining after Flying AIDS exposure.
• unfortunately he will not be audio quarantining.
• that aside, we hope he's ok.

Mt Everest grows by nearly a metre to new height. The world's highest mountain, Mount Everest is 0.86m higher than had been previously officially calculated, Nepal and China have jointly announced.

Everest has a long and storied history of height disputes. When it was discovered, in 1984, it was measured at 8844.43m (14.43 grams celsius). During the civil war, it grew an inch, but it felt really bad about things and went back to its normal height. It experienced a growth spurt during its teens, but all the other mountains were mean to it because it was the tallest and it always had to stand at the end of the line. The extra foot was found to be a combination of excrement, plastic bottles, and dead climbers. Nepalese critics say the mountain never actually changed height; it was just a plot between China and Nepal to confuse climbers and enrich China's climbing equipment industry. Chinese critics have all disappeared and were not available for comment. Both countries, in a rare show of solidarity, advise you not to be on that fricking hill when it grows. The mountain was measured by tying together 450 KMart tape measures.

For reasons no one can understand, Japan wants to increase the birth rate, using AI matchmaking to help. The UN sent Bill Gates as an emissary, who wants to cut  80 million people to make the Earth more eco-friendly. The details will be available on X-Box, and can be ordered for $99.99, called Samurai Sperm Soldiers.

SJW but Not?

A women's university football match in China had to be called off after players were told they were not allowed to have dyed hair, state media report. - it wasn't black enough.

the Windows 10 truck also doesn't run

An Unfortunate New Page (section above)

Last year we saw Mom have some really strange moments. What followed was a solid year of trying to get her to doctors. After unbearable strife, she has a diagnosis: dementia. Advanced.

The new page (in the section above, called Dementia) will chronicle some of the experiences surrounding the diagnosis. I suspect this is a combination of journaling for me and an attempt at documenting and possibly assisting others.


From my heart - I hope you never have to deal with this.

It Ain't Easy Being Queen

According to a Coventry (UK) study, sex can help ward off dementia for men and women. The study was published in Age and Aging. Now get out there and do your best to ward off dementia!

• I'm trying to decide if this is a good thing or not: Hookers for Hillary. Yes, Nevada's finest are coming out for their candidate. No word on whether their servers are in the bathroom or not..

It's great to be alive: Doing the Science on what makes a vagina beautiful.

• A gay high school teacher was fired after someone broke into his Dropbox account, stole a sex tape, and posted it to the school's site. This is the price we pay for bad security, bad judgment, and good connectivity. Remember Bob Crane? You may know him as Colonel Hogan, from Hogan's Heroes. Bob was involved in all sorts of interesting extracurricular activities but didn't post the results in an easily accessed public location with questionable security. Plus Bob was limited to 8mm film and no internet, so things kept themselves pretty private until he was assisted (murdered) in leaving this plane. What did we learn? 
• We learned not to make sex tapes. Since we're obviously going to ignore this, find an incredibly safe place to store them. Not on your phone. Not in The Cloud. Not on your parents' phones.
• We learned not to put them in a place that can be publicly accessed (Dropbox).
• We learned not to keep the Dropbox credentials in email (Gmail).
• We learned to use an encrypted password manager (try Keepass).
• We learned that if we're going to use a Dropbox-like service (which we shouldn't use), to make sure the data is encrypted (beyond the scope of this message but software to do this is at link).
• Lastly, we learned that a really interesting topic, like famous sex tapes, can deteriorate into a data safety lecture.

A Seattle man is in hot water because he was found using a women's locker room. He cited the gender rule, which allows people to choose a bathroom based upon gender identity. This sure would have kept me out of a lot of trouble when I was little. While I identify as an octopus, I just liked hanging around naked women.

• Calls em where I sees em: I'm no fan of iDevices but Apple just turned down the FBI's request to hack into one of the San Bernadino shooters' cell phones. Way to lead, guys! If you repeat this to anyone, I will flatly deny saying it.

A man accused of stalking Gwyneth Paltrow was acquitted on charges of felony stalking and attempted stalking by a jury at Los Angeles Superior Court. As I mentioned in last week's missive, this fellow, who spent a bit of time at the Happy Place<tm>, has been stalking Gwyneth for seventeen years. During the trial, Gwyneth testified to the harm this man had caused her. There was undeniable proof that he was stalking her, including admissions from the stalker. Yet the jury acquitted. There was no actual stated reason for the acquittal. His lawyer stated, "He's unique.... He's special...he's very cogent." Stay out of California.

• 5G is coming! What will it mean for you? It will mean you'll only be able to connect at 3G or 4G.

Five members of Friends are reuniting for a much-anticipated reunion on TV. Because the entire world has been awaiting this moment. This show will obviously cure cancer and bring about world peace. No, really.

• Hollywood has an "epidemic of invisibility" for women, minorities and LGBT people that runs across the industry, a study suggests.  And, as it turns out, the NBA has the same "epidemhttp://www.networkworld.com/article/3032567/android/7-android-tools-that-can-help-your-personal-security.htmlic of invisibility". Who you gonna call?

Hotels, sometimes unable to fill rooms, have taken to offering day rates, which they refer to as "Afternoon Delight" rates. Yes, hotels come into the 21st century!

• Guess what's back.. Microsoft Word document viruses!  Simply opening the document will hijack every file on your system.  Please read the article at the above link. You don't have to be a company to have this happen.  DON'T CLICK ON EVERY LINK. DON'T OPEN SOMETHING YOU AREN'T EXPECTING. CHECK WITH THE SENDER IF YOU'RE NOT SURE. Kirk out.

If you downloaded Linux Mint recently, DELETE IT. It was compromised and contains malware. The distribute should be downloaded from the proper channels (which were hijacked recently and are now fixed). I prefer Xubuntu. Ask questions if you have them.

• It's tax time and the IRS is a mess. Last year many refunds were hijacked, going to incorrect recipients. I know a victim of this who had to hire a lawyer to get her own money from her refund. It took the better part of a year. The IRS reports a 400% increase in Phishing and malware in the past year. Be careful out there. Again, if you have questions, ask.

 FBI Director James Comey claims the agency doesn't want to break anyone’s encryption or set loose a master key to devices like the iPhone. However, if Apple complies with the request, this is precisely what will happen. Comey is being disingenuous, as usual.

• 7 Android tools that can help your personal security.

Four people go into a pizzeria and ordered pizza knots. They came out with cheese, which the patrons DID NOT WANT. One lady gets huffy and demands her money back. Police were called because this lady felt that the employee put the money on the counter in a rude manner. She and three others ransacked the restaurant. Someone threw a glass parmesan cheese container, which damaged a tv. Kitchen ransacking ensued. The happy foursome fled but were captured by police.  I'm still trying to figure out why the employees considered this an unreasonable response - if more people made this sort of correction, fewer incorrect orders would be produced..

COPS is filmed before a live studio audience

• When it really needs to be out of this world, the pros use linux. On the International Space Station there are seven laptops running linux-based software. On the Russian Segment, there are about seven laptops, which are also linux-based. The Curiosity rover, doing its thing on Mars, is remote-controlled with the help of a linux machine from Earth.

I learned about haggis from the source that taught me most important things in life: Monty Python. In spite of the fact that I urge you not to click on the link, curiosity will get the best of you (and you will live to regret it). Haggis is a Scottish dish and the Scots have been trying forever to get haggis into the US market; the problem being that sheep lungs are banned from being imported.  Sheep lungs. Say it slowly.. s-h-e-e-p  l-u-n-g-s. Savor it. This delectibly delightful main ingredient has been on the no-no list since 1971. The Scots are suggesting that the recipe be 'tweaked' to allow import to the US - we owe this to our Scottish brothers.  What do you suppose is a similar experience to sheep lungs? Goat intestine? Elephant brains? Eye of newt?


Students demand and receive resignation of University of Missouri president. Students further demand that Niger change its name because it's racist.

•  Movies: I don't do movies often, possibly because I have the attention span of a gnat. Somehow I managed to take in the latest Mission Impossible, the one co-starring Simon Pegg. Lots of great action, as one would expect (and I'm not a Tom Cruise fan). Also an unexpected bit of fun called Rikki and the Flash. Try to imagine Meryl Streep as an aging rocker, fronting a band in a dingy bar, with all sorts of family issues. She's a hell of an actress.

Smartphone injuries: 43% of people have walked into something while glued to their screen, while 60% have dropped their phone onto their face while reading. And this is before selfie-related injuries (SRI). 16% have fallen off gym equipment, 44% burned themselves ironing, 35% tripped over their pet, 28% hammered fingers, 27% fell off curb and 27% walked into a glass door.

• Russia is denying reports about state sponsored athletic doping. This is the difference between Russia and the US: Russia uses dope - America puts them on tv.

The Missouri University Police Department has urged students to report any hateful speech they encounter on campus.

• A change in sense of humor can signal a sign of impending dementia. Symptoms include laughing inappropriately at tragic events, loss of inhibition, and more impulsivity. Many developed a dark sense of humor.  Well, folks... see you the next time around - it's been grand. I gotta go soil myself.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is visiting President Obama to mend US-Israel ties. They both agreed that a few billion more in financial aid should do it for the time being. University of Missouri students march, demanding Obama take sensitivity training.

• SeaWorld is going to replace the 'Shamu' killer whale show in San Diego. Kim Kardashian's ass not available for comment. BaZINGa.

The president is coming dangerously close to fulfilling a campaign promise, requiring immediate attention. The promise to close Guantanamo Bay is controversial, but the president has come through again: he has promised to close the prison and send all the inmates to Dick Cheney's basement. A brief poll of inmates reveals that they have no problem with Guantanamo Bay at all, thank you, and look forward to spending the rest of their lives there. University of Missouri students march, demanding free waterboarding.

• Do you own a Vizio smart tv? It is the worst spying offender yet. The tv that watches you back.

OK Faceyspaces users:  Facebook has decided it doesn't pester its users enough, so it's going to use its facial recognition technology as the basis of a new nag-screen.  The ad network is testing a feature in its Android app that will scan a user's recent images for photos that look like their friends. If it spots a match, it'll ask if the photos should be shared with other people in them. It is being tested on the Australians first.  Just thought you'd want to know.

• President Obama says he didn't break his promise by sending ground troops to Syria. Because when he said, "No boots on the ground," what he meant was, "JFK was the first Jewish president". It was a simple misunderstanding.

Hassan Rouhani, Iran's president, said that US-Iran ties could be restored but the US must apologize. And when choosing for sports, the US must wait til after the Fat Kid gets picked. University of Missouri students march, demanding the US create a 'safe space' for Iran.

• Sony is ceasing production of Betamax tape. Stock up!

• High Thermionics: You should NOT take micro-doses of LSD while you're at work. Who could have seen that coming?
• Dolphins get high on puffer fish and pass them around. Don't bogart that puffie.
• Catnip only works on 70-80% of cats. University of Missouri students march, demanding catnip work on ALL cats. But only the black ones.
• When you give drugs to spiders, unusual web patterns ensue. So don't give drugs to spiders.

From an alien viewpoint, we are a primitive society whose major activity is tribal warfare - Stanton Friedman, father of ufo research

• In case you haven't had your sugar for the month, Ihop has Caramel Bon Bon pancakes. I'm a chocolate guy but these things were really good. Think caramel topped pancakes with creamy, sweet globs between them. One bite and you'll spit out your pancreas. University of Missouri students march, demand Free Ihop Franchise per Student.

MUSIC AND POLITICS?


Here's a timely tune called Vote for Me, by Joe Walsh. It was released a long time ago but some wag added pictures, featuring special guests Vermin Supreme, Ron Paul, and Pat Paulsen (for you old folks). The lyrics are written out. Enjoy some reality hilarity.