My Other Service Animal is an F-35

Your love is like   bifurcated tongue on purpose

I need your help, readers.

We need to do all we can to get napping added to the next Olympics. I will bring home the gold!

Today I identify as  the entire mixed-gender Olympic bumper cars team

You can't help but notice our celebrities and rock stars are dropping off like mad. Cancer and even old age are taking them. They've given so much to us and now it's time to give back: I'm introducing the Adopt-A-Celebrity program. We all chip into a fund to have our favorite people medically tested weekly.  If I lost Jeff Beck, I'd be inconsolable. Dammit, I'm still dealing with the loss of Frank Zappa. If we had gotten Frank checked more frequently, he'd still be here with us.  So we'd pay to get them checked on a weekly or monthly basis, prolonging their lives and assuring ourselves more of that golden output. So it's more of an enlightened altruism, but it works out best for all. Remember: Adopt-A-Celebrity today!  Special rates for Alec Baldwin and bands I don't like.

This Tesla news is not about a Tesla - it's about an Elon Musk tweet. He deleted it after 12 hours, but it was a picture of Hitler, with the words "Stop comparing me to Justin Trudeau. I had a budget." You just can't make a good Hitler joke these days. I'm getting disgusted at the Speech Police. If you don't like it, don't read it.. this goes for anything from anyone.

Microsoft Strikes Again

You will need a Microsoft account to set up Windows 11. With Windows 10 and currently 11, you can set up a local account. This is going away.

Windows should be going away. You owe it to yourself to use a different, privacy-intensive operating system. At work, everything I do is available to my coworkers - they just have to click on my profile and they can see what programs I have been using. Do you think Microsoft fails to take advantage of this? I don't need an account to set up a Mac or use linux. Windows 10 should have started the stampede away from Microsoft, yet it didn't.

Using linux, you can put together a desktop that looks and works exactly like Windows, so there's very little learning time. You can run a 'live usb' version, which will show you how it works and not change anything on your hard drive. If you have any questions, ask away.

• Sydney shark attack: Beaches reopen after British swimmer's death
• authorities are stymied as to the lower numbers of swimmers  

It's been a fun week of weather: during the week, we've seen just about every kind of weather, focusing largely on clouds and precipitation. Today it's so windy, cars and small houses have been seen blowing down the streets. The news said it was 20-30-40mph gusts. Interestingly enough, small amounts of sun are managing to appear between the clouds, like talent appearing in songs on the radio.  Some younger people on the block have never seen the sun and have to be therapized accordingly. No one is too concerned, because the sun will only disappear when the clouds have noticed it got through.

Definition

refrigerator: where you put stuff to keep it warmer than the air outside

Dad takes down town's internet by mistake to get his kids offline

What are you complaining about? The kids couldn't get online - mission accomplished....

Back to the dentist.

It went precisely as I figured, with the Doc looking at the previously-donated tooth site and telling me it was fine. Sure it was fine, except for taking pain relievers every four hours, lady. Then she started to do some more serious extracting, this time from my wallet. The prices to do anything involving putting back a tooth are beyond ridiculous. Some of them, not covered by insurance, cover a Fender Custom Shop guitar. Aside from that, the procedure gives me the screaming heebie-jeebies (technical term). My insurance is kind enough to cover half of the bridges we're building. By the time they're done, my mouth will be a series of holes, bumps, and bridges, none of which you want to cross.  

Naturally, they 'discovered' several more teeth that required 'things' done to them. 

I don't remember being told about this, but I suspect this is part of the Dental Operation: Shock and Awe. They beat you with Major Stuff<tm>, then you're likely to approve anything else of a smaller nature. They're quite clever that way, like Dick Cheney. As part of Shock and Awe, after the doctor is done, they send back a staff member to discuss what the options will cost. Sometimes this is so shocking, they don't need to numb teeth. So they send back the most attractive staff member in the office to go over everything, so if you're a guy (or lesbian), your brain is fried between looking at the prices and looking at the tech. They have her strategically unbutton a few buttons on her shirt to further befuddle you. By the time I got back home, when Wife asked me how it went, I just shook my head and continued to mumble "expensive.... boobies.... Chrissie.... boobies..." and she got the general idea. To further confuse me, Chrissie sat with me a while and discussed personal stuff: she has a pet alligator names Alowishcious, just went up to DD with her new implants, and will only swallow on special occasions. I 'forgot' to tell Wife about this part. I suspect the office pays for the implants for the girls and writes it off as a business expense.

So all that's left is to make an appointment. This is like making an appointment for.. the dentist.... oh, wait.... for the.. 

• According to my email, Fluffy tickets are now on sale!
• I wonder if they're fuzzy too, and maybe nice to touch.

So it's the weekend and we try to get out a little.

Naturally you know something's coming.

Wife took Saturday off, so she and dog stayed in bed.

I was up bright and early Sunday (1:30pm), which pretty much ruled out anything but food. 

I know we're foolish, but the ads for a certain damn near Italian chain really make the food look good (as opposed to Sonic, whose ads are used to cure constipation). Last time we went, there was a 45 minute wait, which I don't.

Deciding to get breakfast early (4pm), we took the small car. Which wouldn't start (with the new $300 battery). Neither the car nor I like the cold.

Off we went, in the larger car.

Annnnnnd the Garden of Olives had a 40 minute wait. 

One could say at least they're consistent.

I wouldn't say that, because I was cursing in a way that would make the entire navy blush.

Plan B was in effect, so we had a nice breakfast there.

As we were pulling up to the house, Wife said "That's the check engine light, isn't it?"

Why yes, yes it IS the check engine light.

Do I have to shove some sage up my ass and light it?

Even the doctors tell me we get way more than our share of bad luck. They should know - they went to 10 years more school than me.

HE: As I was saying, before I kept getting interrupted...

SHE: [interrupts] But I don't interrupt.

Aardvarks with Anvils All in Arizona Around An Alleged Ark

 

Your love is like  peanut butter wanton soup

Keep in mind that we are now past the Groundhog Equinox. This means the days are getting longer. So watch out for .37 extra minutes of clouds and gloom.

• Pakistan: Police hunt for 'healer' who hit nail into woman's head for baby boy
• procedure for female child: cut off head

Today I identify as  a complete set of drink coasters your parents always used, but you threw away because you don't use drink coasters and they were ugly. Now that your parents are gone, you miss the coasters.

• my workplace wants everybody to know we're getting bigger, better printer copiers.
• 95% of us work from home. 

It's human nature, I know. To keep touching the spot the dentist operated on and stitched. If you're supposed to ignore it, your tongue will spend 75% of its time there. I would rather not know, so that area is largely untouched, like the collection of Playboy magazines at Neverland. I know there's no tooth there and would prefer not to. But there are stitches and I think I feel them hanging around, in not particularly attached ways. This disturbs and horrifies me, because I'm terrified of stitches, even after donating a tooth. Don't let anybody tell you there's no difference between male and female dentists: the male dentist pulled a tooth and I barely noticed anything happened. The female seemed to be doing some sort of dance, which calling out the choreography: "To one side, to the other side, to one side, to the other side." I swear when she got it out, she sounded surprised that it came out in one piece, if not at all.

So I had to make an appointment to sit there and go over options for toothal replacement (see, I already speak the lingo). They have some ingenious ways of generating appointment fees.... I think there are three ways of dealing with it:

1. Bridges: it's where several teeth are sorta bound together, but as with all bridges, there's never a toll taker when you need one. If you have more than one bridge, one can take over from the other if one is down. To the best of my knowledge, they do not raise when ships come by.
2. Implants: these are nowhere near as fun as the alien implants. At least you don't know it happened when the aliens do the work. It's a different story when dentists get involved. They bring in all sorts of pneumatic tools, stick some of it in your mouth, install a screw in your jaw, then glue something that looks like a tooth to it. The thought of this makes every single hair on my body stand up and scream NOOOOOOOOOO. Strangely, it is also the most expensive, at about one decent guitar per tooth.
3. I can't remember. Maybe just leaving it alone, leaving you toothless.

My wife has no fear, probably because they're my teeth, but she says implant. Funny, I never said implants to her.....

In the meantime, things are....   different.... in my mouth. There's another spot waiting for a decision. The funny part is that it's in roughly the same spot on the other side, so I can't chew correctly on either side. It's like internal food ping pong with sharp food. Plus I have to manage to miss the stitched side while also missing the other side. I saw a bag of mixed Salty Things tonight. They were all pointy, so I couldn't eat them. So naturally I tried. A mini Dorito can cause as much pain and damage as chewing razorblades. Naturally the sharp end goes right into the stitches.

What do they recommend?  Soft foods.

What, baby food? Meal replacement shakes? Weight Watchers pre-delivered, pre-digested pablum? I'm living off soda, soup, and ice cream, which, I guess, could be worse. For some reason, no straws. Do you have ANY IDEA what it's like to be told I can't have my little YooHoo juice boxes? SO I got out my welding torches and accessories, and managed to open the top to drink from, so I didn't use that stupid plastic straw. Necessity is a mother, or something. I guess we all have to be proud of something... most people would be proud of not passing out in the dentist's chair, not throwing up, not complaining about needles. I'm proud I can get to the cold chocolaty YooHoo goodness without the forbidden straw. Unfortunately, more of it winds up on my shirt this way.

Flying AIDS News  

CDC turns to poop surveillance for future COVID monitoring

if the shit fits...

Covid: Australia to reopen borders to international travel

Canada trucker protest: Ottawa declares emergency

Inside the $250 million effort to convince Americans the coronavirus vaccines are safe

Covid-19 vaccines and treatments: we must have raw data, now

Pfizer CEO says two Covid vaccine doses aren't 'enough for omicron'

Moderna’s omicron booster was only as good as current vaccine in monkey study

Kansas medical board faces threats from lawmakers for probing ivermectin use

seriously now - they are not allowing investigation to see if it works. SHE'S A WITCH - BURN HER!

Beijing 2022: Winter Olympics hit by deluge of complaints from athletes 

• freezing conditions, dismal housing
• suspicion that loyalty songs to Chinese leader are not normally sung every morning at 6am at the Olympics
• spy cameras are not catching their best angles
• Chinese condom quality control sub-optimal
• Elaine Chen, American skater, about to steal Olympic business secrets and emigrate to China

I finally did it. I haven't been to Guitar Center since before the Flying AIDS hit. Today we somehow managed to get out of the house to visit. It's not that they'd have anything I wanted, but to get out and sort of a symbolic visit. They told me right off the bat there wasn't a single left handed guitar in the store. It's like the Cheese Shop sketch... there sure are a lot of guitars here. On the door was a sign that said due to CDC guidance, masks not required for vaccinated customers. That changes daily, but good for us.

There was a Cracker Barrel on the way home. I see the sign but it still seems like a foreign restaurant to me. Mrs. lefty went once and suggested I de-virginize myself. We checked the menu online... if I were to make a joke about Cracker Barrel, it might start with chicken fried chicken. But no, it's on the menu. After reading through the menu it seemed like a foreign language that used the same words we do. Country ham, sugar ham, down home ham, and everything is fried, even the boneless, skinless chicken (the healthy choice). Chicken fried steak, chicken fried ham, ham fried eggs, egg fried mashed potatoes, and Coke. As much as I could decode from the menu, they seem to speak Southern. Perhaps this is revenge for the war.... Yankees ain't got no breedin'.

Small wonder Wife wanted to go... there's a large store/gift shop in front of the dining room. And there was a bizarre selection of Stuff for sale - everything from car toys to cast iron cookware (the husband behavioral aid). There was a whole half wall of sodas I'd never seen before. The most confusing one was Red Soda. Just Red Soda. WTF is Red Soda? Am I supposed to feel stupid asking? They had Windex soda, which is anything light blue, but it had the good grace to say it was blue cream soda.

Finally pried away from the buyables, we went to get sat. They had a really cool app for the tablet that showed the tables. I thought it was really cool. Off we went. Past the first section. Looking at the second section, into the third section. The hostess looked a little confused, and disappeared into the kitchen for a bit. I looked at Wife and said "This is going to get more difficult, isn't it?" She agreed, but hostess finally returned from her cigarette/line/doobie, still a bit quizzical, and finally sat us in the very rear of the last section. So I'm wondering about the point of the cool app on her tablet. Did it actually show tables, whether they were full, and the waitress, or was it all just for show and to further confuse the staff?

Reading the menu was difficult for me. I'm fairly fluent in english, but remember, this was Southern (or something). I had to keep asking Wife what this or that meant. This was weird too, as Wife has never been south of New Jersey. The menu items were just... not what we generally eat here, generally for health reasons. They did have a rainbow trout dish, which I thought would be healthier, but they deep fried it with deep fries. I decided on meat loaf, because how can you fsck up meat loaf? That was my mistake. When I ask how you can fsck something up, restaurants take it as a challenge.

I want to be fair here; after an hour or so, when the food appeared, it was good. The Coke was good. I tasted a dumpling, which I can safely say I would live just fine without, although I was assured it was a good dumpling.  It was at this point I came up with the one dish they were missing, but would put them over the top: Bacon-Wrapped Ham.

So far the score is Liked It (1), Didn't Hate It (1). You don't know this but Didn't Hate It is actually high praise. I hate everything. They suddenly ran out of everything for dessert, so I had some nice Industrial Vanilla ice cream. On the way out, I tried as best I could to corral all the little spenders, so the non-food bill was only $57. I don't understand it, but she buys large bags and gives them as presents. You'd think they were filled with gold. The entire family is thrilled with a sturdy large bag. And they stop stealing hers. Where am I going with this? Off a cliff. 

I have an extremely vague memory of a chain called Stuckey's in the South. Dan Baird even referenced it in a song (Julie and Lucky).

Oh yeah, Guitar Center had a deck of Elvis playing cards for $20. I don't know whether this came about before or after Chapter 11.

Definitions 

fantasmare: when you give in and fly out to visit your parents. Is it a fantasy or nightmare? Both.                         - contributed by Mrs. lefty

• there I sat, grumbling that the dog had once again failed to take the trash out, when I noticed it was sunny outside. I stopped for a while to let this register. It was difficult. I sat in my office and could see the sun out of the corner of my eye. It was distracting and threw me off my work.
• my coworkers, some in other states, don't understand. Their states get more than two days per week of sun. When I tell them, they look at me like I have three heads. Come to think of it, that's pretty much the way they look at me normally.
• we keep our cameras taped over for safety reasons. Perhaps the safety of the person on the other side, in case they got a glimpse of me.

Stuff, already impossible to find, has taken a new opportunity to confuse. Whereas we had a place for everything, that changed daily, we now have a place for everything, that changes slightly, perhaps by itself, but the data isn't in on that yet.

Unable to find my hand in front of my face to start, this makes things incredibly difficult. Before, stuff used to move by entire rooms or sides of the house. Now it moves a foot or two. It might as well be the entire side of the house, because I still can't find it. Just the other day I went to get something.. I forget if it was toilet paper or head gaskets for an old eight cylinder engine. I was getting ready to shout "Hey, Honey, where are the..." when I moved my head slightly and discovered the item had moved, but only a foot or so, just out of my immediate field of vision. This is not so bad with head gaskets, but potentially catastrophic with toilet paper. Just two weeks ago, toilet paper had moved from a counter display to a floor display. Men are not equipped to deal with this sort of change, and will stand there until either they re-discover it or a spouse comes along to explain it. So now I at least have a head start on finding things. Before I yell "Where is the...." I look within a two foot radius.

Now that I've figured this out, I'll need to work on how it's happening. I know all disappearances and reappearances were the work of Wife. The slight moves could still be the work of Wife, or maybe House. Stuff just happens. Sometimes we don't even bother questioning it. Like the time the bed moved to the basement. Wife can't lift it and it's just not something I'd do. So how did it get there, and why did *I* have to put it back? I guess Bed-Moving Elves could be an answer, as well as a dog who had developed super powers. I just don't get what they get out of it. Maybe they get off on the confusion they create. Poltergeists? Leprechauns? The Cauliflower Marketing Board?

We have to sage the fsck out of this place.

• The US Navy has announced a position for carrier experts, to be paid at a very high level. The candidate will be able to keep track of F-35 aircraft and see they are secured correctly. IF they land.

The USS Bajyma 

Captain: how long has it been?

Mate: a week, Sir

Captain: and still no sight of our target?

Mate: What *is* our target, Sir?

Voiceover: 25 men, aboard the USS Bajyma. Its sacred mission; find the Port of Clitorris. Explore for the good of mankind.

Mate: Oh. I have heard this Port of Clitorris spoken of, but didn't know it was a real place.

Captain: That is what we are going to find out.

Mate: Captain - I think I see it - the Port of Clitorris! After only a few weeks' sail on the Sea of Lubriccasion.

Captain: That's why you get the Big Bucks, Matey. Tie off - we're going ashore!

Mate: I've not seen the likes of this anywhere.

Captain: Aye. (because there had to be an 'aye' in there somewhere)

Mate: What are your orders?

Captain: Explore.

Mate: Captain, we've been here for a week.

Captain: what have you found?

Mate: it's going to sound silly, Sir, but there's a formation that comes and goes, occasionally getting larger.

Captain: We must document this for our backers. Shore leave!

Mate: Captain - where to now? More exploration?

Captain: We will continue to explore the Port of Clitorris. Ever since we started, the women have been very nice to us. The longer we explore, the nicer they are.

This week in Tesla News does not feature Tesla.

Instead, Kia and Hyundai warn 485,000 SUV owners to park outside due to fire risk. The cause is an antilock brake controller module, not an exploding battery. Sorry, Elon, better luck next week.

That's not a Divot, it's a Small Aircraft

Your love is like  drinking bleach to kill the Flying AIDS

• Don’t be afraid to shoot for the stars. Even if you fall short, you could make it to the moon! Sadly, the nature of its atmosphere would kill you almost instantly. Have a nice day, anyway.     --Pat Sajak  [@patsajak]

Today I identify as  a CIS trans lesbian

In the Late to the Party department, the groundhog did its thing, as it is wont to do. As usual, it was horribly depressed, saw clouds, and thought about shooting itself to end the pain. It thought better because it might miss the important parts of its brain and render itself still alive, but a cripple.

Because the Sun Never Shines in Philadelphia.

I feel accomplished or something. I finally got a look down the shirt of a dental tech where I go. It was not my fault - she bent over. Naturally she wasn't the good looking one. But still... boobs is boobs.  This office is weird. Maybe because they're all skinny or size their uniforms correctly or, heaven forbid, don't want to show off their mammalian protuberances. I can't even see their faces because of the damn breathing arrestors (masks). You know the most beautiful eyes there don't show that she has a mustache. Judging from some of the arm hair, it's thicker than mine.

Don't call me sexist - every tech there is now complaining about their patients being ugly, like lefty. "Maybe he should keep his breathing arrestor ON."

While I'm waiting for my emergency dental appointment, I don't really care what they look like - just that they're really good at what they do. The tooth that hurt like hell now doesn't. The pain has migrated to a different tooth, as well as the palate. And a headache that feels like someone with an industrial drill took a 3/4" bit and has been drilling for hours. If huge amounts of ibuprofen didn't help, I'd be in the emergency room.

UPDATE 

The dentist spent too much time discovering I needed a lot more numbing than normal people, drilled a bit, and told me it had to come out. I sincerely hoped she was talking about the tooth. Afterwards, she patted me on the back and said that was it. I had to speak up, because apparently my tears weren't sufficient to get the point across. IT HURT. REALLY BADLY. I begged for ibuprofen. So they gave me acetaminophen. Which covered about 20% of the pain. At home, a handful of ibuprofen later, and I could at least function. And it hurt. Really badly. I may have to dip into my 497 sick days. I also have to remember that antibiotics can mess with birth control pills....

• Don't forget - it's Black History Month
• still no left handed history month..
• by the way - if you wish to celebrate Black History Month at work, I wouldn't go with anything but a button. Many were disciplined for wearing Mexican hats on Mexican History Month. No dreads. No fro. No rap getups. No lamp chains around your neck. Nothin. And please, God, no watermelon.

Flying AIDS News 

Community furore after police stop St Bernadette’s Glendalough church service to check masks

Ottawa Fears Vaccine Protest Has Morphed Into an Occupation

Omicron BA.2: What we know about the Covid sub-variant

Europe entering Covid pandemic 'ceasefire', says WHO

For T-cells, omicron is nothing unusual

A faulty immune response may be behind lingering brain trouble after COVID-19

I just went past a car with two occupants, both wearing masks.

These people are allowed to drive on the same roads as the rest of us.

• Woman applauded after giving birth on transatlantic flight
• Unfortunately a fight broke out because the baby wasn't wearing a mask 

The UK is spending 1.4 billion pounds (14 grams Canadian) on a Space Laser "to bolster our interests in space." Boy will they be sorry when they realize they have no interests in space.

Between the spy satellites, the communications satellites, the Chinese satellites which can literally devour other satellites (James Bond, anyone?) and the Space Lasers, we have created a Space Traffic Jam the likes of which no planet has ever seen. Yes, we militarized space, but then we took our poor road planning and traffic jams there too!

Once again, the aliens watching us are shaking their heads. No other planets or associations want to meet us because of what we've done to the planet. Their only interest is keeping us from getting out past the Moon, to do damage elsewhere. As if monitoring our television and seeing The Masked Furry wasn't enough. The gray aliens will continue to stick things up our butts and the black aliens will continue to date Kardashians. Other than that, it's Hands Off.

Speaking of which, Israel is developing a laser-based interceptor, to demolish more local threats, like drones. Even poor African nations are getting into the Space Weapons Race. The United Nations has a rotation of Space Traffic Reporters to let all countries know if they can proceed and using what routes. 

Welcome to UN radio. We'll get right back to our feature, Fauci Said I Had to Wear a Mask to Bed, after this traffic report from our ace reporter, Johnny 'Slowdown' Bugger. Johnny?

There is a bad Space Jam on planet route 95 due to volume. There is no alternate route, so expect your satellite to take quite a while to orbit. Route 87 has a four parsec backup due to a Chinese satellite with a flat antenna. We recommend using the bypass. Finally, Interplanet 78 has random slowdowns because Space Force is hiding behind internet satellites and giving out speeding tickets. Back to you, Bob.

• do you have the [whatever it takes] to wink at someone?
• much like dancing and sports, I just look stupid.

NSA watchdog finds 'concerns' with searches of Americans' communications

You had no say in a special court and they ignore it anyway. This is not the government you signed up for. Are you shocked yet?

Havana Syndrome may be caused by ‘directed energy’

A very short time after it was declared to be caused by things equivalent to swamp gas, all of the sudden it may be caused by 'directed' energy. Of course it's something like directed energy. It's what they've always done. To put it down to a psychological cause is disingenuous. 

International Space Station will plummet to a watery grave in 2031

• Expected to come down in the Pacific, maybe, but other countries are still in the running. NASA has an unofficial poll, with a $50 entry fee.
• NASA says to 'just ignore' those radioactive bits - it will dissipate in a few million years
• stay away from the Russian section - they were always short of toilet paper
• it's about the size of a football field, so if it misses the Pacific Ocean, you're pretty much screwed.
• the plant growing experiments got a little out of hand, so if one of them talks to you, you should probably leave it alone.
• does not come with the attached alien ship, batteries not included, do not fold, spindle, or mutilate, without the express written permission of the NFL

When someone with multiple personalities watches "Three Faces of Eve" or "Sybil," does it set up a feedback loop and change reality as we know it? 

Tesla should put together a weekly newspaper because of all their problems. Hey, wait, ThermionicEmissions is kinda their weekly newspaper. This week we feature the recall of 817,143 vehicles because the seatbelt chimes are rather more silent than they should be. If I owned a Tesla, I wouldn't take it back: I don't want to hear from my car if the seatbelts aren't in use. Seatbelts seem to be useful for getting caught in the door and not allowing it to close (plus holding your dead body in the car). These are particularly amusing, as they freak out if you have a dog in the seat. At twenty-some pounds, they can't decide if someone is sitting in the seat or not. 

Mom - Jimmy's Out Licking the Light Pole Again

 

Your love is like   a sushi lunch from 7-11

• New York mayor pledges to rid city of gun violence
• bringing in Superman and Wonder Woman, housing criminals on Krypton 

Today I identify as  a dump truck - vooooom!

ThermionicEmissions has its sixth follower. I am beyond excited. Can't you tell?

Pr0nhub and Google better watch out.

Don't Let Your Roku, Apple TV or Other Streamer Track You. Change These Privacy Settings

Flying AIDS News

It's difficult to sort out the best Flying AIDS headline, but I think I found it:

Washington DC Requires Nude Strippers To Be Masked, Clubs Warned About ‘Staff Not Wearing Masks’

They are required to wear a mask, while sharing bodily fluids with you. Brilliance that could only come from DC. Has anybody seen Fauci?

Get well wishes to Reggie Dwight, aka Elton John, who tested positive for the Flying AIDS. He was vaccinated.

There’s a new version of omicron but so far it doesn’t appear to be more dangerous

no no no no very dangerous, PANIC, get 5th booster!  

They had covid-19 once. Then, they got it again.

WHO warns of potential for more variants as omicron subvariant found in US

Two-thirds with Omicron say they have had Covid before

OSHA will try a different route to a vaccine mandate for businesses

Red wine could reduce chances of COVID-19 infection, U.K. study suggests

between the pot and red wine, the world could become a better place..

California’s COVID gun store shutdowns ruled illegal

• Pentagon Places Thousands of Troops on Standby for Deployment to Eastern Europe in Standoff With Russia 
• #ImpeachBiden  now. Hurl the Pentagon skyward to see how aerodynamic its shape is.

You're probably going to say that you didn't see this coming....

Child badly burned while pouring gas onto bonfire at home in New Jersey

Same child will die while demolishing his house from his bedroom

Denmark, New Zealand and Finland top list of least corrupt nations while South Sudan is the worst and US drops out of top 25 amid 'continuous attacks on free and fair elections'

At least we're moving in the right direction. That old American spirit shows itself yet again! 

• After all the creative work I put into the blog, who'd have thought that the page that gets the most visits, by far, is the review I did of a police scanner.

I watched Jimmy Fallon last night. And by watched, I mean played with my laptop and listened here and there. [Foreshadowing] A headache appeared out of nowhere. Ok, I'm late to the party, again. I wondered what the jokes would be about, as a study showed every late night show was very left-leaning and anti-Trump, while he was in office. Fallon went after Biden, shockingly. In a very stupid way. He even managed to get a shot at Trump (I voted libertarian). So very little has changed. He's still got that younger brother personality, full of energy. Not my speed. The headache felt more and more like drilling in my head, so I went to bed.

Ya know, I have a bad feeling my headaches are secondary to a toothache. This is frightening and disturbing, as I had all that work done last year. Yes, dentistry is a racket, but they fixed my problems. How do I know there's a tooth problem? When Wife looked at it, it hurt like hell. Pizza doesn't look good to me. I couldn't take out the trash (this may or may not be related).

The disturbing thing about the dentist was they all wore masks, so I couldn't see their faces. Dentist offices are usually bubbling over with gorgeous women. Don't get me wrong - I was happier that they knew what they were doing, but still... Anyway, I have no desire to go back, masks or not. The pain isn't pleasant (no, really?) so I'll have to pull all my resources together to make an appointment. I don't know why this is, but it is. My arm could be broken, but calling the doctor to check my injury could take weeks. I'm bad that way. I'm bad in many ways, but Wife and Dog tolerate me well.

Dog is out of control, being aided by Wife. Dog flatly refuses to pick up her stuffed animals, which frequently are in places that would trip us. Wife keeps reminding Dog that if she kills us, there will be nobody left to follow around the house, or even feed her. Then Wife goes to pet store and buys Dog three more stuffed animals. Speaking of killing, I have to keep reminding Wife that I don't have enough life insurance to make it worth killing me. I keep it this way on purpose. Did you ever get out of bed to a huge pile of true crime novels? They started like "True Mafia Killings." I'm starting to get suspicious because her new books have titles like "Death of an IT Guy" and "The Guitar Player Murders." 

For all the people and media screaming DISINFORMATION, has anybody thought about the actual 'experts' that can't agree? The steadily-changing advice? When you hear DISINFORMATION, it's DISHONEST and a PLOY, with an AGENDA.

Cranky old Neil Young (I'm a fan) told Spotify that Joe Rogan needs to be pulled or Neil's music will be pulled. Over misinformation.

Idea: subject the misinformation to the same brief tests as the 'official' cure.

The self-driving car industry is abandoning the term ‘self-driving’ and leaving it to Tesla

Recommends it be renamed: self-crashing, auto-exploding, talks with strange accent 

C'mon guys.... the Batmobile could operate with no one in the car. It's 2022 already.

Disney responds to Peter Dinklage's criticism of Snow White remake

Peter Dinklage, known good actor and least likely to get on most Disney rides, had some things to say about Woke Disney casting actors not similar to original parts, such as the upcoming Snow White. Surprisingly, Dinklage seems to be for more of it. 

In the remake of Snow White, Disney wanted to make sure no character was white. And that there was room for 14 more sequels. The casting so far:

• latina Rachel Zegler as Snow White  (the woman is seriously beautiful)
• Dennis Rodman and his North Korean basketball team as the 8 Dwarves
• Whoopie Goldberg as the evil stepsisters
• Steve Irwin as one of the Brothers Grimm (we are never told which)
• and Meat Loaf as the glass coffin

A Night at the Opera, A Day at the Dentist 

Something happened to a tooth. It's a tooth not touched by the dentist (yet). I have a theory.... after all the necessary work was done, the other teeth got jealous and demanded services too. Maybe the dentist hypnotized them, I don't know.

In any case, there was some serious pain. In a place I like to use. At this point, everybody's main goal is to get rid of the pain, ASAP.  And I forgot how these folks operate. Let me give you an example: let's say you walk in the door with a dog stuck in your jaw. A smiling, personable tech will sit you down and take xrays. They like taking xrays. If you told them your arm hair hurt, they'd take xrays. After the pleasantries are finished, she will ask you what the problem is. You never went to dental school, so you figure you better explain it, so they'll be able to fully diagnose the problem. So you tell her the story, she takes xrays, then tells you she's off to see the wizard doctor, who will have a look at everything. Thirty minutes later, the doctor appears. You look around for where the applause is coming from. It may be the overhead speakers, which normally play absolute crap you do not want to hear. The doctor asks what's wrong. You have the privilege of saying the exact thing you said to the personable tech. You feel that you are repeating yourself repeating yourself. 

Just to make sure you're serious and not kidding about the problem, Doc is going to 'tap' on the area and you say when it hurts. Even the patients whose bodies do not regularly try to escape the chair by themselves feel a little scared when she brings out the Dental Sledge. You see the size of this instrument alone and inherently know this part of the examination is not going to go well. Dentists have a horrible reputation, some deservedly so, and they're not going to help themselves by bringing out stone age nazi tools of torture. Unfortunately, things are not stopping there, no sir. One phrase that automatically indicates you should be anywhere else in the world but in that chair is, "Tell me if it hurts." Then the gentle tapping starts. And when I say gentle tapping, I mean banging away. They cut you a break - the first tap is never the problem....

Dentist: I'm going to tap. Tell me if it hurts. BANG. Does that hurt?

Me: [recoiling in terror] Nope.

Dentist: Does this hurt? BANG.

Me: Nope.

Dentist: Here? BANG.

Me: OMFG YES, THAT'S DEFINITELY THE ONE, YES SIR, YOU HAVE DEFINITELY HIT IT, I HOPE I DIDN'T WET YOUR CHAIR.

And they look at you as if you're being unreasonable by screaming when they slam your painful spot with a sledgehammer.

Some think dentists are nazis, getting off on inflicting pain.

Dentist: I'm going to tap. Tell me if it hurts. BANG. Does that hurt?

Me: [recoiling in terror] Nope.

Dentist: Does this hurt? BANG.

Me: Nope.

Dentist: No? How about here? BANG. No? Here? BANG.

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAH.

Dentist: So here, right?  BANG.

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAH - right.

Dentist: Ok, how about here?

and it becomes almost a game, like Pound the Pain, or Pound the Gopher, or Pound the Patient. The really good dentists manage to keep a straight face when they hit you, some not even displaying symptoms of sexual excitement.

Finally the doctor pronounces a diagnosis, which you cannot pronounce.

Well, Mr. lefty, you have a dog stuck in your jaw. This is called canine mandible impactus.

What can you do - it hurts?

Well, we can shave some of the tail hair down, so it doesn't get into your mouth.

But it hurts.

Here's what we gonna do: we'll make you another appointment in eight weeks, and you'll come in. We'll get out the canine mandible impactus meter to check everything out. Then we'll do a short procedure called a canine mandible no impactus, which should take care of your problem. Ok?

Ummm... ouch... I was kinda hoping you could do something today, to get rid of the pain.

No, we can't possibly do that - we won't get as much money that way. Here's what I'll do: I'm going to send another of our personable techs to discuss finances with you.  You think you're in pain now.....

• World's Smallest Books:
• Famous Jewish Basketball Players 

Don't joke about that shit.... the Anti-Defamation League will git uppity and start demanding the NBA hire more Jewish players.

Similarly speaking.....

With an upcoming spot in the Supreme Court, President Taxit promises to appoint a black woman. With a history of dumb moves, The Diversity President strikes again. This is the highest court in the land. It's rather important. You want the best and brightest. But Biden doesn't hire that way - he appoints by gender and race. This is racism and sexism to start with. If he announced he wanted a white male justice, we'd have (more) riots. And it would be illegal.

Just like my stance on tech workers, I don't care about any of your personal stats - I want the best person for the job. In my interviewing history, that's the only candidate that got hired. We turned out to be a very diverse group; but we didn't go hiring by gender, race, sexual preference, hair color, or religion.

I knew a woman who was thinking of becoming a phone sex worker, back when that was a thing. She thought it would be cool to go further and become a Mistress, with a house full of slaves; guys in maid outfits, cleaning the place, with no expectation of sex.

Did I mention we were a couple for a year?

NO, not that way. I turned in my maid outfit as soon as I was promoted. Something about maids not having mustaches and a successful game of Rock Star and Groupie. The relationship got off to an auspicious start when she showed my brother some nudes she was particularly proud of. And she had reason to be proud..

She had an amazing talent. Ok, a few amazing talents. She could do the thing that stupifies every man; take her bra off under her shirt. But she could also appear taller. She was not a tall lady, but she could dress a certain way and everybody thought she was tall. Either that or she was skilled at mass hypnosis.

This is precisely why I don't write about my girlfriends.

Somewhere out of the blue (more likely gray), I found out we were coming into a major snowstorm in a few days. I guess not paying attention is occasionally a problem. I mean, you can usually just count on it to be gray, with a few odd days of sun here and there. For some reason, we have all our groceries. Usually we're in need of something as it snows. No doubt the shelves are picked clean of milk and bread, if there was any delivered (Supply Chain Shortages). We do not get snow like Canada or Minnesota, where 12" is just an annoyance. We get 4" and everything's a mess until July. All these years with snow and the city has not figured out how to manage it. They could even ask Minnesota how they do it, but no. Wait... I know why... if they learned how to do it right, they wouldn't need a small army of snow removal workers. Nobody does anything to endanger bureaucracy (except firing toll takers to put in the Automated Spying System{ASS}). 

As you know, I've been trying to get out on weekends, so we already have the reason I can't get out this weekend. With the amount of times this has happened, you'd have to call it a conspiracy. Either that or everybody got together to make sure I never got out to bother them. Like they did to make sure I never had kids. You realize that I haven't been to Guitar Center since before the Flying AIDS. Yes, I know I'll be disappointed when I get there, but I'd at least like the option of going.

Again, remember, most heart attacks occur while shoveling, so don't shovel.

Earlier, Neil Young was cranky about Spotify and threatened to pull his music over Joe Rogan's 'misinformation' about the Flying AIDS. Neil said it was either Neil or Joe. Spotify chose Joe. Meanwhile, Apple has taken advantage, sending notice to its subscribers with playlists, tweets, and push notifications.

I spent a few seconds on this.

No disrespect to the people who are affected by this, but the problem never touched me. Why? I rip albums and CDs to my hard drive. Everything's automatically available (including a folder full of Neil Young songs). I can take it anywhere (on my phone) and no one is keeping a record of what I listen to, to market to me. I don't have an account to any streaming service because it never occurred to me that I needed to do it that way. Plus I'm not really sure the services are going to have the music I listen to. I also don't want tweets and push notifications.  Just a thought.....

• OK, WTF Is Going On With the Reddit Antiwork Subreddit and the Fox News Ambush?
• Indeed. Although the article looks at the Fox News ambush, it's interesting to note the viral posts in the subreddit.
• It looks like a bunch of waah waah waah, sprinkled with an idea here and there. Perhaps these people recently graduated from one of our Woke universities and are demanding to sit home and have somebody pay them. Most of their complaints come down to this: do something, instead of complaining. Don't like your boss or your job? Get a different one. Come up with a need and fulfill it. Prefer unions? Organize. You are responsible for you.

Give Blood. If You Can't Give Blood, Give Teeth

 Your love is like  snot that you can't get out of your nose, no matter how you try

White House ransomware summit calls for virtual asset crackdown, without mentioning cryptocurrency

They have to get their hands on it some way...

The federal government and police are finding new ways to use drones to invade privacy.

• Hundreds of Israelis have stripped naked by the Dead Sea in Israel to draw attention to its dramatically receding shoreline. 
• This is the type of environmentalism we fully support.

Today I identify as   Journey

Mother, 38, is arrested in front of her children and locked in a cell for seven HOURS after calling a transgender woman a man on Twitter

IBM and airlines won’t comply with Texas governor’s ban on vaccine mandates

Nearly 40% of California state workers remain unvaccinated despite Newsom order...

Challenges mount to president's vaccine mandate

Across the U.S., clashes intensify between city officials and the police over vaccination issues

The Anti-Vax Movement Can't Wait for Kyrie Irving to Be Its Idol

-interesting because team leadership doesn't want to keep him off the court

• Russia and China left out of global anti-ransomware meetings
• It's like trying to figure out who's eating chickens and not looking at foxes

Meet the People Who Won’t Have Sex Until They’re Sterilized

What a tremendous idea! The only problem is that the people who shouldn't breed won't be getting sterilized.

The Further Adventures of My Mouth 

Back for my next dentist visit, I found myself feeling less like I was walking into the electric chair. My food stayed down and I could still think about sex, so I knew things were improving. Since I stopped worrying about them killing me, I had a chance to look around a bit. Their staff consists of young, petite, skinny ladies in their twenties, mostly blonde. This is JACKPOT for a lot of guys. I wondered if there was a hiring specification or all their hires look that way by accident. As nice as that would be, that's discrimination, so it must all be coincidence.

They were all happy. Very happy. Alarmingly happy, having just come in off the field in their cheerleading uniforms. Since the p.a. system was broken, they all got used to YELLING instead of speaking.

HI, LEFTY! HOW ARE YOU? THE DOCTOR WILL BE RIGHT WITH YOU. DID YOU GET YOUR SYPHILIS CLEARED UP? 

It was outrageous and embarrassing. To think that I'd believe the doctor would be right with me.

In addition to their matching uniforms and personalities, each one got their own little positive exclamation.

The xrays are done? Super.

Are you doing ok? Awesome.

You didn't get yourself caught in your zipper again, did you? Excellent.

You can't afford the copay?  Good deal.

They were required to use their positive exclamation after every sentence. This way if you couldn't remember their name, you could refer to them as Super, Awesome, Excellent, or Good Deal. "Did Awesome do your least cleaning? Good deal."

I guess you could say they were the Stepford techs, but it's not really true - they had different shades of blonde hair. I was thinking to myself that they were too young and didn't really strike my fancy, when I met the reject.. the single brunette. I was smitten. She was like the rest, but I could detect sarcasm that wasn't present in the blondes. That's another quality that excites me in a woman. Hell, if I couldn't say anything sarcastic, I couldn't speak. Unfortunately, unlike other practices, the uniforms came up to their necks tightly, so I couldn't look down. I got over it during the panic. One had blonde hair and brown eyebrows. For some reason, that looked pretty cool. I also spotted a lone male. He must be really popular.

They did a good job this time, so fewer parts of my body kept trying to escape from the chair as they worked. I didn't ask for Happy Gas, so I remained present during the entire operation, so to speak. I know my insurance wouldn't cover it, but they could have offered me some... ahhhhh.... relief... before the procedure, to keep me calm. I'd have paid out of pocket for it.

Last time I donated teeth, so this time they went about getting me new ones. You'd be amazed at all the technology they have now. There's a scanner they wand over your teeth and it puts together an internal view of your mouth. There was another little buzzing device, but they told me I couldn't use it. Since my tooth donation, the gum has been understandably sore. This explains the extra pressure needed to make the mold thingie for that tooth. It wouldn't stay put at first, so she banged on it, harder and harder. My entire body kept heading in the other direction, when I explained to her it was sore. Then she finished the explanation. Well if she knew it was so sore, why did she use a pneumatic hammer to get it to stay?

They pulled out the samples and asked me which color I wanted for my replacements. C'mon, how many male patients does this practice see? I just looked at them with the 'You gotta be kidding me' look and suggested they use their best judgment. There were two women there - they stood a 127% chance of matching it perfectly. If I had to do it, I'd have wound up with dark blue. Seriously, when they take their husbands clothes shopping, who picks the colors (and the clothes)? Hint: not the husbands.  I'm secure enough admitting this, so the choosing went by quickly.

So next time, they're going to install some custom geo-spatial cable bridge between two teeth. They won't tell me which two, because I don't have a need to know. Oddly, I do have a need to know how much copay it will cost me, and they remind me of it before, during, and after the appointment, via text, email, and coming by the house. I'd offer them tea, but the house is a mess and we're not scheduled to clean it again until 2025.

I went with the bridge, but there were other options. One was a plate, which would require remembering to put it in (so that was out). Another involved some sort of screwjack boring into my jaw. At least I think it was my jaw. I wouldn't ask anyone else. Yet another involved Super Glue. Kids, let's face it - nothing good ever comes of Super Glue. You glue your hands to a table, glue your lips shut, or glue your penis to your nipple, so it's best to avoid it. I'd only wind up with a new tooth on my forehead.... it's just not worth having to explain it to everyone I meet. "Know how there's a third eye? I have a thirty third tooth."

This leaves the hole vacated by my other donated tooth. I suspect they're forgetting about it on purpose, so later on I'll ask about it and it will cost more to fix. They told me I have a cavity in my wisdom tooth, way in the back. They like to remove them, but it's pretty traumatic over a certain age, and it ain't broke, so don't fix it. I figure I don't need the cavity filled because I don't even get to use the bloody tooth in the first place. It just sits there, under the gum line, peeping out now and then. For some reason, the doctor told me I was wrong here. Little did he know the worst thing you can do is tell me I'm wrong. I'll reach in and extract my own damn wisdom tooth, just to prove him wrong.

So the long and short of it is that I no longer look like a crack addict. Well, my mouth no longer looks like the mouth of a crack addict. And all I had to do, besides showing up, is sign the second mortgage paperwork. I have really great insurance. And when I say great insurance, I mean great, huge copays. Have you noticed that politicians are going after health insurance, but nobody mentions dental insurance? My theory is that the dental industry has pictures of Congress, on a fact-finding junket to Mexico, at the donkey show.

• Pro Tip: when you come home from the store, put the ice cream in the freezer. The floor will not keep it cold.

Twin Cities Man Accused Of Operating Private Airport In Field Behind His Home

Planes always ran on time. Big airlines upset.

After another hack on a water system, someone needs to start being concerned.

We have all sorts of utilities connected to the net, some with horrid security. This is an emergency waiting to happen. I'd hope somebody is looking at it. It also makes one wonder why utilities need to be connected.

Wifely Quantum Physics  

Him: Hey, why did you turn off the fan?

Her: I'm cold.

Him: You didn't think anyone was using it, what with it being pointed directly at me?

Her: You're not cold?

Him: I feel warm. With that in mind, I turned the fan on.

[sound of car keys]

Him: Where ya goin?

Her: Have a few errands.

Him: Then may I put the fan back on, please?

Her: No, I'm cold.

Him: I see.

Her: Did you turn the tv off?

Him: Yes.

Her: Why?

Him: Strange you should ask. Were you not on the phone with your mother for two hours?

Her: She talks a lot.

Him: So it would have been difficult, even for you, to watch tv, while you were upstairs taking the call.

Her: Yeah, but I'm watching it.

Him: You certainly were watching it. I couldn't disagree with you there at all. But you haven't come within fifty feet of it in the last two hours.

Her: But I was watching it.

Him: If you can show me how you were watching it from a different room, I'll eat your shoes. The whole room full of them.

Her: Well, I was going to be watching it.

Him: Can I turn the fan on, while you're making calls upstairs?

Her: NO - I'm cold.

• 5GAA argues C-V2X technology as the way to secure transport at the ITS World Congress
• advocates cellular car-to-car communications - what could possibly go wrong?

On the positive side, you'll be safe when you drive on the Moon - it will soon have its own internet

The aliens plan to hack into it. Turns out they have developed a bit of an interest in pr0n.

New Zealand city parts ways with its wizard

I don't think this is progress. The hat alone is worth the title. Naturally he was criticized over comments about women

The fastest-spinning white dwarf ever seen rotates once every 25 seconds

CNN has been canceled for using the word 'dwarf', and not its proper replacement, 'midget.'

My Emotional Support Elephant is Wiccan

 Your love is like  a bottle of herpes

• TikTok is removing educational hacking videos
• Watch the dance videos. Drool. Be a good citizen.

Today in Olympics news:  George Harrison disqualified from Paralympics when judges ruled death does not qualify as a handicap

President Taxit wants to create hundreds of thousands of jobs with a civilian climate corp.

priorities as young adults find work installing solar panels, planting trees, digging irrigation ditches and boosting outdoor recreation... 

This will obviously cost nothing. Obviously a government function. Boosting outdoor recreation?

Out of control.

Today I identify as  a womb

A Generation of American Men Give Up on College: ‘I Just Feel Lost’

Yet somehow this is bent around to being discriminatory to women.

Or something. There's a lot of statistics.

In the end what they're saying is to wait a while then go to college, when the women far outnumber the men. You chance of scoring goes up exponentially. Lesbians too.

• Singapore Police to Deploy Snitch Bots That Search for 'Undesirable Social Behaviors'
• I don't live in Singapore but this is pretty frightening 

Sex can relieve nasal congestion, and other work honored by 2021 Ig Nobels

So, uh, get to work....

• immutable law of physics: if you have two keyrings in your pocket, you will always pull out the wrong one

So there's one day til my dentist appointment.

He's going to do something to me that I haven't had done before.

The procedure rhymes with 'pull'.  Or "I'm going there to donate teeth."

I'm scared shitless. I hope the chair is non-stick.

I asked what can help nervous patients. I suggested not showing up, but he poo-pooed that idea. I asked about sleep meds, and he said no, because he likes to see the terror in patients' eyes. I asked if getting drunk would help. They only have nitrous. I want the happy gas, dammit! I want to be knocked so far out that I want to have the procedure.

They gave me a choice of what I wanted done with the hole. This would normally be an easy shot, but we're talking about my mouth here. It's usually open, so I want to be careful. Doc offered me one of those plate things. I have this repeating nightmare of taking care of a plate for the rest of my life. Then he suggested the Drill and Screw and Glue option, wherein they take a metal screw and put it in your jaw, then put a tooth-like substance on top of it. There is no dental insurance in the world that's gonna pay the $2,000 per screw. Plus I get the Screaming Heebee Jeebies (aka the douche chills) about screwing something into my jaw.  

When he found out my favorite color was green, he said he could glue in a green metal tooth. I suggested maybe hot pink. He parried with a grill. I told him I don't listen to the kind of music that requires grills. He suggested a barbecue grill, which got my attention. I asked about smokers... I like my meat smoked, so why not my teeth. He said insurance will cover 50% of grills but not smokers.

He told me about a thing called a bridge. I asked what the toll would be, and would the monies go directly to me. Apparently they remove a tooth and build a superstructure between the two adjoining teeth. He thinks I'm stupid, though... he wants to remove 2 adjacent teeth, which would require a suspension bridge, which would twist frighteningly in the wind.

There's these veneer thingies. This is where the dentist brings in his kids, some tooth-shaped material, and some super glue. The kids attempt to get the fronts on the teeth before the glue dries and the teeth go on sideways. This either makes the kids enthusiastic to go into dentistry, or decide on a safer career, like cow inseminator. 

To make all of this worse, I found out the doctor is a lefty, which is rare in dentistry. Are you reading me here? All of the equipment is backwards. So I'm going to let a dentist do stuff to me with equipment designed for the wrong hand. That's reassuring. 

• those of you who work.... in any talk with superiors, mention AI. It's the current buzzword. It will make them aware how forward-thinking you are. It doesn't even have to be anything intelligible - "I was thinking AI would really give us good ROI on the sanitation project." It will only be a matter of time til your promotion. Or til your boss takes credit for your idea.

There are a ton of HD external cameras available for your computer.

Most laptops have cameras built-in.

Trust me - the last thing you want is your colleagues to see you in Hi Def....

Most of us don't wear pants

• Biden and his staff are exempt from the vaccination/testing mandate
• hmmmmm.......
• NEW - Dr. Fauci: Proof of vaccination or negative test for domestic travel within the U.S. "is on the table for discussion."
• Which countries are vaccinating children and why?
• Tension over boosters rises as FDA regulators quit and publicly blast Biden’s plan - side with WHO on boosters, citing insufficient data

Hypergiant Industries is trying to launch satellites to search for UFOs on earth.

That's a serious duplication of effort and waste of money. Don't you think existing satellites track incomings? The answer is classified, but you can start with NORAD.

• According to Science, the world now sees twice as many days over 50C
• Quite frankly, I'm not taking climate change seriously until they start measuring temperature in Fahrenheit

Cows toilet trained to reduce greenhouse gas emissions

...taking the world by storm:

• airplanes taught to hold it in - "I told you to go before we left"
• Mexico closes after beans outlawed
• people taught to use toilets (except San Francisco)
• remember: if you outlaw poo, only outlaws will poo
• cats refuse all training, but nobody seriously expected that to happen

The doctors told me it's bad form to kill people.

It's been 2 days.

The alcoholics say "One day at a time."

Unfortunately, I'm not an alcoholic.

• Know what sucks?
• many many things
• among them is staff meetings, eulogizing lost coworkers

I like to learn the hard way.

In fact, I insist on it.

So I report spam.

Yesterday I reported spam from an Outlook account.

Today I got a notice that the email violated Outlook's terms of service and they took appropriate action.

It must've been swift and severe, because I reported the same spam last week.

I am currently at war with my ear. In order to maintain anonymity, I'm not going to tell you which one.

For no apparent reason, it gets itchy.

So I scratch it.

This morning all was well, so I told myself I wouldn't scratch.

So naturally I scratched it.

And it started itching.

So I scratched it.

When it stopped itching, I noticed my hand reaching up to scratch it.

This went on all morning.

I may have to wear an ear guard. Or a hand guard.

My dental insurance sent me an email with teeth health tips.

The absolute best was to avoid sugar.

If I avoided sugar, I'd have nothing to eat.

When I was a little bastard, I'd eat Sugar Snacks. When we were out somewhere, I'd open a sugar packet and eat the contents. The parental response was priceless. I should probably stop that sometime soon.

• The Teamsters File for First Union Election at an Amazon Warehouse in Canada. Canada is in no way ready for broken windshields, slashed tires, verbal harassment, broken limbs, and all the other joys that come from the Teamsters. After about two days, Canada will tell Amazon to get it's stuff together and tell the unions to leave.

Miss Ireland 2021 is the first black winner of the crown.

A case of whiskey was delivered backstage, after which a huge brawl broke out over someone's mother and because Miss Ireland didn't sound Irish enough.

• Remember the shutdown of Gatwick Airport in England because of a drone?
• There was no drone, except for the police drone, looking for the offending drone
• miscreants and jokers kept calling in alerts
• I continue to smell shenanigans

[Scientists] Boffins say Martian colonists could pee in buckets, give blood if they want shelter

Honey, I smell something.

Oh, you always smell something.

It's only during the day.

Sure it is. What do you smell?

I'm not sure, but I think I smell pee.

You smell pee?

Yes.

During the day?

Yes. And why can't we get blue bricks?

Because they're all red - you know that.

I'm beginning to think this living on Mars thing is way overrated.

I don't know what you're complaining about. Aside from no breathable atmosphere, no plumbing, no food, and making shelter with blood and piss, what's wrong? Try being grateful for once in your life. We only paid $4 million for this honor.

• It's almost predictable: watch out for Flying AIDS spam or phishing

Michelin now has an airless tire. The reviews are in:

• Flat
• Not as square as one would expect - (Science)
• Flatter than an anorexic at a food-tasting event
• Flat - (Auto Trend)
• Flat Flat
• Mostly round, except where it's flat
• They should have considered air, like all other tires
• Flat - (Batman)
• What is it - a Tilt-a-Whirl? - (Joe Biden)

There's been a whole lotta noise lately about 'right to repair'. If you don't know what that is, allow me: Tesla wanted $22,500 to replace a battery in an out of warranty car. An independent repair shop fixed it for $5,000. Many companies want to be the only ones to do any and all repairs, like Tesla and Apple. This is why. The government is going after the giants to allow right to repair. Please consider this if you're considering a Tesla. Is even a $5,000 charge ok?

Napping Upside Down

 Your love is like  finding gray hairs

• News sites are liable for defamatory Facebook comments, rules Australia’s High Court
• oh c'mon - news is news, even if Faceyspaces doesn't like it. Australia is becoming a draconian, dystopian nightmare
• Faceyspaces apologized after AI labeled black men 'primates'
• will there be a major protest, shaming, and closing of accounts?
• stop it.

Today in Olympic news:  27 athletes denied competition because they didn't have man buns

Yes, it's back to the dentist time. My main work was done by the guy I semi-affectionately call Dr. Mengele. We didn't see eye-to-eye so I decided to go elsewhere. And when I say I decided to go elsewhere, I mean sit home and not go to the dentist. You see, I'm beyond terrified of the dentist. I used to be perfectly fine, then something happened. Aliens? I have no idea. I just know fight-or-flight kicked in and the bottom half of my body spent most of its time trying to escape from the chair. This did not work well with the very top of my body being worked on with all sorts of tools and nauseating sounds. Wanna know how terrified I was? I didn't even look down the dental tech's shirt when I had the opportunity (yes, she was a she).

Putting on my big boy pants, I found another practice, Fly by Night Dentists, Inc. The moment I walked in the door, I smelled cheap, disorganized office. When they were being dishonest, I told them to give themselves a screw-in partial permanent crown hat, do not pass go, and pay $1200 deductible to start. 

At that point, I took another 'break' from weird dentistry and doctors who I couldn't understand when they spoke. And when I say break, I mean sat home in only mild panic.

Deciding to try again, I looked for a local dentist who took my (very common) insurance. Several told me I had to pay up front and I could keep the insurance payment. WTF is this? So I have an appointment. My break from insurance was interrupted by a toothache in a nasty-looking spot. By the time I'm done, I will have paid for the Dentist's new vacation house in Aruba. And why not - I already paid for the vet's car, her daughter's car and education, and two vacation homes. I'm a walking charitable foundation and get not a cent off in taxes.

I have that toothache numbing liquid. I couldn't get it to stop the pain as directed, and it turns out drinking it also fails to help. I was wondering about that fire whiskey stuff. Or allergy/sleeping pills. Either would put me out of commission at work, but I'd just look like all my coworkers. 

Today I identify as  a lamp with a halogen bulb and no federally mandated fire protection

• President Taxit has struck another blow for huge government by declaring all federal workers must get the vaccine(s). Can't he just go to the Home and live out his life?
• Oahu and Maui will start ‘vaccine pass’ programs.
• CDC tightened masking guidelines after threats from teachers union, emails show (who's running this whorehouse anyway?)

On boosters.... 

"has already drawn criticism from US experts who say the medical need for third doses is not yet clear, and the decision to offer them overstepped review by the Food and Drug Administration and expert advisers for the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention."

Still. No. Idea.

At the dentist's office, it was very nice. 

The ladies at the front desk were wonderful.

And loud. And incredibly helpful. In high school, they probably did things that involved pom poms.

Things have been modernized to the extent that all paperwork to fill in is done on a tablet.

Unfortunately an iTablet, so naturally we didn't get along.

Fortunately an ex-pom pom user happily helped me. She assured me it wasn't my fault, even though the tablet or I was producing smoke. 

My tech agreed that the ladies out front were very helpful. And loud. And motivated. And were probably well acquainted with pom poms.

NOTE: we all need pom pom people. I am not saying they're bad. Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, ok? 

At almost no time did the lower half of my body try to escape from the chair.

This probably had something to do with nothing getting done.

Dentistry is weird.

You can walk in with half of your face blown up and they'll ask you what brought you in.

You tell them there's so much pain, you can barely function.

They'll proceed to take xrays, wherein you get that boffo heavy blanket.

Then other xrays with some weird thing they hold.

Then still other xrays where you stand up and things spin around, unrelated to pain or medicine.

At this point I'm thinking either my tech or I should be taking the other out for dinner; I just can't figure out which. She knows my mouth way better than I do and I'm trying to figure out whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

She disappears to check out your xrays and make purple marks on them. This is a time-wasting exercise - they don't use these xrays.

The next set she goes over with you, telling you some Dental Stuff.

While half your face continues to hang off your head, she numbs you and starts doing some Other Stuff.

The she says you need Deep Cleaning. This is called many different things at many different practices, and actually only serves to annoy you and your gums. Most insurances pay for it anyway, so it's just revenue enhancement for the practice. You need a cleaning even if you have dentures. There are enough xrays to prove your dog needs a cleaning too.

You find out all sorts of Interesting Dental Information, such as the high school the tech went to, how she has a second job washing cars topless, and that she can do your job better than you.

At this point, you notice that your jaw hurts so much you're seeing stars, and you're still on cleaning.

Your appointment was for five, and the dentist appears around seven.

He pokes, prods, and pokes again, making Thoughtful Noises.

Then he gives you the news. There will have to be Deep Dental Procedures proceeded.

You have a choice of different procedures per tooth: you can have it drilled, removed, disinfected, put in a post, or just generally drilled for fun and practice. In fact, my body didn't try to escape until he mentioned putting in posts.

So I'm still sitting there, certain parts of me fused to the chair, and he mentions I said I was suffering greatly, with pain up into my scalp.  He sounds somewhat concerned, so he does what any healer would do: sets up a Plan, finds out what insurance will pay, and comes back with the Whole Deal. You find out that, with really good dental insurance, it will only cost you two grand. 

HUH?

Two grand ain't nothin, I was assured.

Two grand is something, I was assured, by Wife.

So I quietly mention I'm still in horriffic pain.

Doc tells me to schedule the appointment so we can begin The Plan.

Dentistry is funny.

If you take a pneumatic nail gun and nail your forehead to a 2x4, it's fairly obvious, plus you're in a bit of pain.

Whereas with half your face hanging off, dentistry wants you to make an appointment, next week or so. Or next month - whatever works for you.

But Doc, I'm sitting here in unbelievable pain.

Take some ibuprofen.

For the next week or month? 

What else would you like me to do?

MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY - THAT'S WHY I'M AT THE DENTIST'S OFFICE.

I told you to schedule an appointment so we can get to you as early as possible.

By the laws of physics, as early as possible is RIGHT NOW.

And, conveniently, here I am, right in the very chair I would sit in to be worked on. Imagine that.

I'd stick with soft foods and we'll see you later, lefty.

As much pain as that entire routine caused, it does not compare to the pain of coming home:

HER: How was it?

ME: It was the most recent visit to the dentist ever.

HER: Did he make the pain go away?

ME: No, but he told me when he will.

HER: let me guess - next week?

ME: Exactly.

HER: and how much is this going to cost you?

ME: Do I hear the phone ringing?

HER: No. How much?

ME: Is dinner ready?

HER: Of course. How much?

ME: dwrgtjjjdtrrs

HER: Stop mumbling

ME: I said two grand.

HER: TWO GRAND? How are we supposed to come up with two grand? Shall I whip it out of an orifice to be named later? Or whip it out of the mortgage payments for the next few months?

ME: errr.... I don't know?

HER: Don't you have really good insurance?

ME: Yes. You should have seen the price without insurance.

HER: Did you at least get to look down the tech's shirt?

ME: I wasn't panicked enough to forget, but she had a heavy sweater on, dammit. On the bright side, every one of them was born here, so I could understand them. Except during the dance segment.

Why tell the doctor where it hurts, when you could use emoji instead?

Because people have become so simple, they can only communicate in tiny pictures?

Uhhh... guys.... we're going to need emojis for 

• the dog ate my insurance card
• afflictions of the pancreas
• colonoscopy
• nose hair calamities
• diarrhea
• STDs
• I shut the car door on my penis

Revealed: LAPD officers told to collect social media data on every civilian they stop

but..but..but... I have to post these pictures of my cat doing something cute, along with my social security number!! 

Things are getting even more hairy aboard the International Space Station, specifically the Russian section. After last week's 'mistaken' firing of Russian boosters, this week the smoke alarms went off.

US: What are those alarms? Smoke alarms?

RU: Must be time for battery change.

US: Battery change is one beep, this is constant.

RU: It is not.

US: Yes it is.

RU: We hear nothing.

US: Why is there smoke coming in from your side of the station?

RU: Is nothink.

US: It's right there.

RU: Oh, dat. Uh, Sergei burnt Pop-Tart.

US: Nuh-uh. Pop-Tarts burn horizontally, with color dependent on the flavor.

RU: Maybe Leonid smoke ceeg.

US: The rules state cigarettes can only be smoked outside the ISS.

RU: But can't light outside.

US: Then don't smoke. Hey - that looks like flames.

RU: Isn't.

US: Is.

RU: Isn't.

US: The temp has gone up 30 degrees  (40 kilometers Russian).

RU: Is ceeg, I tell you.

US: does that look like molten metal?

RU: No. Look like joke - ha ha.

US: it just set off the sprinkler system, so you better be ready to go swimming in 5 minutes.

RU: Nooooo. Not at all. Boris is taking bath again.

US: We don't have enough air til we can send for the Chinese

RU: Goot. Esk for #42 Moo Goo Gai Pan.

US: You better fix whatever it is, before we wind up in a David Bowie song.

RU: So sorry. Did I say bath? No, Leonid make small trajectory adjustment with monkey wrench. Not heppen again, I promise.

• President Taxit: a woman's body is her own
• President Taxit: unless she has the Flying AIDS
• Executive overreach

'Black national anthem' makes its debut at the NFL

Stop dividing. Come together.

[Can also function as the left handed national anthem]

It's nice and sunny outside. Naturally I am inside. I don't actually have a desire to be outside, but I'd like some representative sun to appear inside.

The person who built my (Sears, no, really) house made sure to orient it so no sun got into it, no matter where the sun was, and no matter the season. 

I've got two friggin' windows in my office. I can sorta tell it's sunny out, but that's the end of it. I was thinking about turning the house around, but I've got too many responsibilities already, with working, sitting, blogging, and making sure the dog's comfortable on the bed. Her sleep number is 65.

How in the world do you orient a house so no light gets in?

Oh, wait, there's exactly one window on the east side. Most are north-south.

This will become important as we go to the cold season. We only have two seasons here: hot and cold. Somebody flips the switch and we go to the other season. I'd like to have more light during the cold season. It tends to get depressing and the neighbors really want to chip in and get me more light, any way it has to happen. They prefer the summer lefty to the winter lefty.

Did you know that most of the musicians who have lefty in their name don't play guitar lefty?

I think we'd have to install new windows on the east-west sides, which would mean WALL DEMOLITION!!! The only problem is that the Crazy Lady's house would still block the light. HOUSE DEMOLITION!!!  This is why the city stops by for a soda once a week or so.

This just proves windows is good for nothing.

• Definition of chutzpah: potential juror shows up to courthouse in black t-shirt with RIOT in big letters and black balaclava.
• we need more of this in America

The public hoo-ha over Britney Spears' finances came to a head after her father petitioned to be let go as the conservator.

Buoyed by this news, Britney got engaged! 

We wish Ms. Spears and Tupac the best of luck

Period facilities are needed at live events

also needed:

• removing items from rectum labs
• somewhere to go to the bathroom
• places for wine. chilled to the correct temperature
• wiping sweat from forehead stations
• diarrhea treatment and resources
• lactose intolerant booths