I heard an author say 'gobsmacked.'
When somebody says gobsmacked, it's time to change the channel. No exceptions.
As I said the other day, just because the doctors say you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
It's decidedly green today, with the intrusion of brown and traces of actual sun. Again the committee looks out the window and considers its duty - hitting the Sun Alert. The Sun Alert became ceremonial after the window was invented, but positions don't go away; especially political positions. Just to throw things off, it became sunny and windy. At this point, it's anyone's guess.
It's Friday. Don't research - just take my word.
So stay where you are today and tomorrow.
Have some sex. If you don't have a SO, have some Rental Sex. Failing that, use your hand - self-love is a great thing. You don't have to worry about STDs.
There's a lot of shine. The sun?
No. The police. They don't like where we parked the car.
Some local person has started a movement to impeach Idiot Governor. I love this shit.
We replenished the Snapple reserves, so we can't walk in the basement anymore. Really cold lemon Snapple makes my nipples hard.
I always though it would be great to do a tv show or movie about us. Today my sole activity, besides falling asleep at work, was knocking things over and dropping things. How many of you have dropped peanut butter on your computer keyboard? Kicked anything on the floor, no matter where it is? Beat up a few neighbors? Yelled at the birds because they're dive-bombing the dog?
Showing posts with label police. Show all posts
Showing posts with label police. Show all posts
Friday, May 15, 2020
Saturday, December 7, 2019
His and Hers Spatulas
You gotta love Faceyspaces and Twitter. Two third party controls have been caught holding personal data. Not that this will have any effect on logins...
People (and comedians) have used the difference between the first 2 genders as fuel forever. Now it's people, comedians, and bloggers. Here are some inexplicable differences, but these might be differently different than others....
I have a pair of sneakers.
She has a shoe room.
I have a winter coat.
She has a coat rack, on which the seasonal coats reside. There are so many of them, the rack tips over whenever you look at it.
I have a couple of pairs of jeans.
She has an entire room, plus 6 external dressers and 2 closets, for just seasonal clothes. It takes two weeks and a front-end loader to change seasons.
If there's a fire, I grab a guitar and run. The dog follows me.
If there's a fire, she has to go to the bathroom, smoke a cigarette, put on some makeup, ask 'does this look good?', smoke a cigarette, approach the door, go back for the forgotten cold Coke, and leave. Then returns for her keys, which she forgot. Then returns for her pocketbook, which she forgot. Then smokes a cigarette, using the firey couch to light the thing. In other words, the dog and I will be safe, but she will be pulled out by paramedics, burnt black, and asking if she can have a cigarette before they take her to the hospital.
When I'm tired, I go to bed.
When she's tired, she sits on the couch and nods off. Then she goes up to bed. Within 5 minutes, she's back down because 'some unthinking person didn't bring a cold drink for me.' Then back up. 5 minutes later, she's back down for a cigarette. Then back up. 10 minutes later, its back down for something sweet.
Between 5 and 20 minutes later, she comes back down because she couldn't sleep. Then sits on the couch and nods off.
Dear lefty
Penny's been with us for about a year now. She is absolutely the sweetest dog we know (unless you're a bird she snatched out of the air). Aside from cancer, the only bad thing she came with is barking. You cannot stop her. You can yell, jump up and down, get right in her face and stare her down, and she will not stop. Related is Office Barking. I sit in my office, Wife talks to me 10' away, dog gets in the middle and starts barking and talking to her. It's not defensive, she's not protecting me... it's like she wants something, whenever we talk. WOO WOO ARRRRR WOO. No idea what it is. She's the least weird dog we've ever had.
I remember picking her up at the airport. I looked in the carrier at that beautiful face. By the time we got home, she jumped right on the couch and was ours. The rescue people said she was ok where she was fostered, but she needed a place where she could be The Queen. Yeah, she got it.
Want some basic info on UFOs? Richard Dolan is a well-respected researcher. He knows people, he's done the legwork, and he has a lot of interesting things to say.
My buddy works from home. He loves it.
He tells me that he attends all meetings naked.
--> That must be nice.
"Not for my neighbors."
Are you ready for 5G?
Don't worry, neither are the providers.
AT&T says real 5G will only be as fast as its fake 5G. They claim there will be significant speed increases in 2020.
Current 5G is hampered by the frequency used, which is subject to interference from walls, dish soap, and air.
Verizon says 5G on the lower bands will be like "good 4G."
In other words, we're once again being sold a bill of goods. They knew full well before it rolled out that it was an improvement strictly for the marketing department. Businesses were offered millimeter-wave 5G by AT&T, but not real people.
If I understand this correctly, the providers have been building hype for quite a while, knowing that there's nothing there, but planning to have something there... next year. The Great Hype is arriving, but only at last year's speed. And let's face it - 4G is no prize. Rest assured - you will pay for it, regardless of coverage or strength. Your phone had better be 5G-compatible. Read the article - if I try to type more, I might suffer cranial explosion. Let us not forget the debate on 5G safety (I don't know enough to comment).
While we're (not) on 5G, the Department of Defense has come out against using the 1-2GHz range for 5G because it's in their GPS range. The FCC is making a mess of this, as is their calling.
An entire school district in Colorado has been shut down by a particularly nasty stomach bug. School districts across the country are on alert. School children across the country are asking for samples, for... you know... science.
How bout those Nazca Lines? The ones in all the ancient astronaut shows. IBM and Yamagata University had AI look at the lines and came up with a hidden human figure (with a tv for its head).
Today I identify as JFK. They lied, btw.
Suspecting a man of dealing meth, police attached a GPS tracker to his car. The man found it and removed it. The man is now being charged with theft(!) Court case is pending.
No thank you, I'd rather write songs with Miley Cyrus, in the midst of her latest programming failure.
Heroes of the Stupid
Sunbathe your asshole, for wellness.
what if you can't get them out of the house?
California is against facial recognition (Yay!).
The California DMV makes $50 million a year selling your personal data
SJW Similies
Transgender model outraged after porn offer retracted due to her penis - and UK police are investigating it as a hate incident. Remember when porn was a bad thing? It still is.
Transgender activists force menstrual products brand Always to remove 'woman' symbol from their packaging. Welcome to 2019 - the Absurd Decade.
CDC: Nearly 2 percent of high school students identify as trans.
Jessica Yaniv (WAX MY BALLS!) has to pay legal costs to the business owners she harassed at the Human Rights tribunal. The do not have to handle her junk now or ever. I was made aware of the waxing process. The mere idea of this makes me scream.
People (and comedians) have used the difference between the first 2 genders as fuel forever. Now it's people, comedians, and bloggers. Here are some inexplicable differences, but these might be differently different than others....
I have a pair of sneakers.
She has a shoe room.
I have a winter coat.
She has a coat rack, on which the seasonal coats reside. There are so many of them, the rack tips over whenever you look at it.
I have a couple of pairs of jeans.
She has an entire room, plus 6 external dressers and 2 closets, for just seasonal clothes. It takes two weeks and a front-end loader to change seasons.
If there's a fire, I grab a guitar and run. The dog follows me.
If there's a fire, she has to go to the bathroom, smoke a cigarette, put on some makeup, ask 'does this look good?', smoke a cigarette, approach the door, go back for the forgotten cold Coke, and leave. Then returns for her keys, which she forgot. Then returns for her pocketbook, which she forgot. Then smokes a cigarette, using the firey couch to light the thing. In other words, the dog and I will be safe, but she will be pulled out by paramedics, burnt black, and asking if she can have a cigarette before they take her to the hospital.
When I'm tired, I go to bed.
When she's tired, she sits on the couch and nods off. Then she goes up to bed. Within 5 minutes, she's back down because 'some unthinking person didn't bring a cold drink for me.' Then back up. 5 minutes later, she's back down for a cigarette. Then back up. 10 minutes later, its back down for something sweet.
Between 5 and 20 minutes later, she comes back down because she couldn't sleep. Then sits on the couch and nods off.
Dear lefty
- What do we do about global warming?
- Run your air conditioner.
Penny's been with us for about a year now. She is absolutely the sweetest dog we know (unless you're a bird she snatched out of the air). Aside from cancer, the only bad thing she came with is barking. You cannot stop her. You can yell, jump up and down, get right in her face and stare her down, and she will not stop. Related is Office Barking. I sit in my office, Wife talks to me 10' away, dog gets in the middle and starts barking and talking to her. It's not defensive, she's not protecting me... it's like she wants something, whenever we talk. WOO WOO ARRRRR WOO. No idea what it is. She's the least weird dog we've ever had.
I remember picking her up at the airport. I looked in the carrier at that beautiful face. By the time we got home, she jumped right on the couch and was ours. The rescue people said she was ok where she was fostered, but she needed a place where she could be The Queen. Yeah, she got it.
- The Pennsylvania Supreme Court ruled that people are not required to give up their passwords to police!
Want some basic info on UFOs? Richard Dolan is a well-respected researcher. He knows people, he's done the legwork, and he has a lot of interesting things to say.
My buddy works from home. He loves it.
He tells me that he attends all meetings naked.
--> That must be nice.
"Not for my neighbors."
Are you ready for 5G?
Don't worry, neither are the providers.
AT&T says real 5G will only be as fast as its fake 5G. They claim there will be significant speed increases in 2020.
Current 5G is hampered by the frequency used, which is subject to interference from walls, dish soap, and air.
Verizon says 5G on the lower bands will be like "good 4G."
In other words, we're once again being sold a bill of goods. They knew full well before it rolled out that it was an improvement strictly for the marketing department. Businesses were offered millimeter-wave 5G by AT&T, but not real people.
If I understand this correctly, the providers have been building hype for quite a while, knowing that there's nothing there, but planning to have something there... next year. The Great Hype is arriving, but only at last year's speed. And let's face it - 4G is no prize. Rest assured - you will pay for it, regardless of coverage or strength. Your phone had better be 5G-compatible. Read the article - if I try to type more, I might suffer cranial explosion. Let us not forget the debate on 5G safety (I don't know enough to comment).
While we're (not) on 5G, the Department of Defense has come out against using the 1-2GHz range for 5G because it's in their GPS range. The FCC is making a mess of this, as is their calling.
An entire school district in Colorado has been shut down by a particularly nasty stomach bug. School districts across the country are on alert. School children across the country are asking for samples, for... you know... science.
- Prince Andrew's birthday party was canceled by the Queen. He was never born and the reptilians win another one.
Tinder is for rookies. Go to Facebook Marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It'll show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size. - Twitter.
How bout those Nazca Lines? The ones in all the ancient astronaut shows. IBM and Yamagata University had AI look at the lines and came up with a hidden human figure (with a tv for its head).
Scientists have detected alien sugars on Earth-bound meteorites. Although this is very significant, we won't know if the aliens are advanced til we detect alien chocolate.
Today I identify as JFK. They lied, btw.
Suspecting a man of dealing meth, police attached a GPS tracker to his car. The man found it and removed it. The man is now being charged with theft(!) Court case is pending.
Humans have been placed in suspended animation for the first time. Let's freeze Congress (because it's illegal to do the other thing to them)
No thank you, I'd rather write songs with Miley Cyrus, in the midst of her latest programming failure.
Heroes of the Stupid
Sunbathe your asshole, for wellness.
California is against facial recognition (Yay!).
The California DMV makes $50 million a year selling your personal data
SJW Similies
Transgender model outraged after porn offer retracted due to her penis - and UK police are investigating it as a hate incident. Remember when porn was a bad thing? It still is.
Transgender activists force menstrual products brand Always to remove 'woman' symbol from their packaging. Welcome to 2019 - the Absurd Decade.
CDC: Nearly 2 percent of high school students identify as trans.
Jessica Yaniv (WAX MY BALLS!) has to pay legal costs to the business owners she harassed at the Human Rights tribunal. The do not have to handle her junk now or ever. I was made aware of the waxing process. The mere idea of this makes me scream.
Friday, November 22, 2019
Laptops are for People Who Like Supermarkets
One android-related item: I've said it before, but you never realize how bad things are until you put a firewall on your phone. This might sound difficult, but hear me out...
Let's take our normal android phone.. you install a cool internet radio app like TuneIn radio. You fire the program up and listen to whatever stations you like. It became my #1 player.
Since my phone met its maker, I had to transfer everything to a new one (whatever you pay for insurance is worth it). LG, in addition to great phones, has a great transfer app. I found this out after I did everything manually on the new phone, because I only know how to do complicated things - I get nervous with anything easy. My original firewall was No Root Firewall, named because you don't have to root your phone to use it. I decided to give Netguard firewall a try.
With a firewall, when you fire up TuneIn Radio, you will get ill seeing where it goes. The firewall shows you every destination. You will see the obvious packets to the radio's domain. Then you'll see a shitload(technical term) of packets going all over the place. Spend any time looking them up and you'll see they're all advertising. So for each call for radio, there are 5 or more ad calls. One of the things about android that pisses me off is the apps are allowed to 'come alive' when they're not being used. TuneIn runs constantly, contacting ad domains. It has absolutely dominated my logs, moreso than goog calls.
Btw, you don't need goog. You don't need to put in a goog account. You don't have to allow goog outside the phone. Since all apps phone home, the firewall stops them. Many apps don't need any net access at all, yet demand it. If you install a puzzle app, there's no reason it needs access to your phone, camera, storage, and internet access. So stop it with a firewall. You also won't see ads on everything... it's a less automatic ad-blocker.
If you have any questions, please ask.
RIP Bill Macy (97), who played the husband on the tv show Maude.
Today's Worthless Fact: Hollywood's William H Macy had to be identified by that name because you can't have 2 people with the same name, because of some ridiculous union rule. Another example is Aerosmith's Brad Whitford and actor Bradley Whitford.
Dear lefty
How the FBI abused NSA mass surveillance data.
Let's take the time machine: way back to a previous employer, which had a kitchen with actual silverware. They caught one person licking the silverware and putting it back in the drawers. He probably migrated to doorbells.
It Begins....
Amazon handed over audio from 2 Echo devices in a Florida murder case.
Yes, there was a subpoena.
Let's review, shall we?
Today I identify as fuzzy chartreuse shag carpeting
On Halloween, hospitals used to offer free xrays of candy to look for foreign objects. If you want to xray your leg, that will cost $495.
Meanwhile, a child got sick because his candy was tainted with antipsychotic meds.
An analysis of 136 depression-related sites in France, Germany, and the UK revealed a majority embed an "impressive" number of trackers, mostly for marketing. Well, that's depressing.
A man buried 42 schoolbuses.
no word on whether they were full or not.
New York Times: refugees needed to fill 'void of cultural diversity' in white towns.
Let's take our normal android phone.. you install a cool internet radio app like TuneIn radio. You fire the program up and listen to whatever stations you like. It became my #1 player.
Since my phone met its maker, I had to transfer everything to a new one (whatever you pay for insurance is worth it). LG, in addition to great phones, has a great transfer app. I found this out after I did everything manually on the new phone, because I only know how to do complicated things - I get nervous with anything easy. My original firewall was No Root Firewall, named because you don't have to root your phone to use it. I decided to give Netguard firewall a try.
With a firewall, when you fire up TuneIn Radio, you will get ill seeing where it goes. The firewall shows you every destination. You will see the obvious packets to the radio's domain. Then you'll see a shitload(technical term) of packets going all over the place. Spend any time looking them up and you'll see they're all advertising. So for each call for radio, there are 5 or more ad calls. One of the things about android that pisses me off is the apps are allowed to 'come alive' when they're not being used. TuneIn runs constantly, contacting ad domains. It has absolutely dominated my logs, moreso than goog calls.
Btw, you don't need goog. You don't need to put in a goog account. You don't have to allow goog outside the phone. Since all apps phone home, the firewall stops them. Many apps don't need any net access at all, yet demand it. If you install a puzzle app, there's no reason it needs access to your phone, camera, storage, and internet access. So stop it with a firewall. You also won't see ads on everything... it's a less automatic ad-blocker.
If you have any questions, please ask.
RIP Bill Macy (97), who played the husband on the tv show Maude.
Today's Worthless Fact: Hollywood's William H Macy had to be identified by that name because you can't have 2 people with the same name, because of some ridiculous union rule. Another example is Aerosmith's Brad Whitford and actor Bradley Whitford.
Dear lefty
- Why don't you like Faceyspaces?
- Why don't you like flesh-eating bacteria?
How the FBI abused NSA mass surveillance data.
- a kangaroo court (FISA) was set up to rubber-stamp requests for surveillance on foreigners only.
- the NSA slurped up everything it could, including Americans
- the FBI violated everyone's rights by warrantlessly going through the NSA eavesdropping data.
- This is a very clear 4th Amendment (search and seizure) violation.
- 9-11 was a bonanza for mass surveillance, as planned.
- As Zappa said, the only thing we have to fear is our own government.
- Nancy Pelosi introduced an NSA Reform bill that is closer to a "Let Them Continue To Do What They Want" bill.
- Nancy Pelosi is the lowest form of politician one can find, if one can even imagine such a thing. This is your voting, California. This is what we have near the top of the pyramid. Do you still think there's any difference between Reps and Dems?
Let's take the time machine: way back to a previous employer, which had a kitchen with actual silverware. They caught one person licking the silverware and putting it back in the drawers. He probably migrated to doorbells.
It Begins....
Amazon handed over audio from 2 Echo devices in a Florida murder case.
Yes, there was a subpoena.
Let's review, shall we?
- They bought a spying device that didn't eavesdrop.
- Ok, well, maybe it eavesdrops a little.
- The device didn't activate until its name was heard
- Ok, well, it kinda listens all the time.
- It only records your voice 'for more accurate voice recognition'
- Ok, well, it records everything.
Since it records everything, the police want the recordings because they might contain evidence of a crime.
Before you read anything else, run out and buy one of those Ring doorbell cameras that allow you to see who's there when you're not home. The police love that device, and have even helped sell them to neighborhoods, so they can review the footage.
Lastly, an IoT set of videocams around the house, so AmazonFaceyspacesGoogle can see what you're doing and so can the police. To prevent crime, send the feed to the police first, then Google. They promise it will be kept private.
Would we lie to you?
Again?
Today I identify as fuzzy chartreuse shag carpeting
Today in the news: Multiple People Killed in Rollover Crash Involving LAPD Pursuit
That was the headline.
The story was that a 3 minute chase resulted in the perp crashing and rolling his vehicle. 3 dead and one hospitalized from the vehicle only.
- There is now a frozen rising-crust pizza stuffed with bacon. That's disgusting.
- I'll let you know how about it as soon as I finish it.
On Halloween, hospitals used to offer free xrays of candy to look for foreign objects. If you want to xray your leg, that will cost $495.
Meanwhile, a child got sick because his candy was tainted with antipsychotic meds.
- Ain't technology great? Our gadgets automatically make the time changes. We no longer have to be aware, for those of us who were historically aware. My mother used to call her kids to remind them to change the clocks. Now the kids might have to call her.
- In completely unrelated news, I found a great way to get out of bed quickly: the one clock that didn't adjust itself told me I was an hour late for work. You shoulda seen me jump!
Say, do you live in the wildfirey areas of California?
If so, PG&E (We provide power, unless we shut it off) requests that you kindly stop shooting at its employees. Thank you and that is all.
How do we know this is fake news?
Because you can't own guns in California.
No thank you, I'd rather have a long chat with Kim Kardashian, where she tells me all her ideas about things and stuff.
An analysis of 136 depression-related sites in France, Germany, and the UK revealed a majority embed an "impressive" number of trackers, mostly for marketing. Well, that's depressing.
- ThermionicEmissions regrets to announce that Beto has dropped out of the race. Not that the rest of them are any better, nor are your Second Amendment rights safe.
Heroes of the Stupid
There is a tumbler page on which an entomologist rates ant emojis.
A man buried 42 schoolbuses.
no word on whether they were full or not.
SJW Stinkies
Do you have asthma and want to reduce your carbon footprint?
Stop using your medicine and find "greener" meds, per UK researchers.
Or you could stop your meds altogether and die, canceling your carbon footprint forever.
New York Times: refugees needed to fill 'void of cultural diversity' in white towns.
 |
| do NOT misgender the employees |
Thursday, August 8, 2019
Monday, February 25, 2019
Police to English Translator
Here's my new app: Police to English Translator
It's free and worth every penny you're paying for it.
At a high rate of speed
Fast
Made visual contact with
Saw
a green, leafy substance that might be marijuana
Pot
Cannabis
Pot
Male subject
Man
Canine officer
Dog
10-25 PP
I have to go to the bathroom
10-69
Sex with partners horizontally reversed
Code 4
All is well and we're at the bar
Code 3.57PQNVVY72
yes
Code canine 92
Why are my female partners such friggin dogs?
On scene
Here
Method of conveyance suffered a full horizontal reversal
Car turned over
Obstructed license plate
They have drugs
No license plate light
They have drugs
Window tint too dark
They have drugs
Failure to signal for the full 2 seconds
They have drugs
The reason I pulled you over is...
Do you mind if I search your car for drugs?
Bumper is too shiny
They have drugs
The canine has indicated
The dog said there's drugs
Hang out for a second
You have drugs I haven't found yet
There are drugs in plain sight
We pull over many stupid people
Bro, you gotta clean your car
There are used condoms all over your car
Ok. Ok. Ok
You know I'm humoring you before I taze you, right?
Do you have your license and registration?
Nobody has a license or I.D. but I like wasting everybody's time by asking
You're very attractive, ma'am
You used to be a man, didn't you? Do we need a male or a female officer to frisk you?
Ok
You're full of shit
I understand
You're full of shit
Code brown
He took a dump in my cruiser
Ya feel me?
knowwhatImsayin?
You are being detained, not arrested
These cuffs will not come off til you get to the station
Imo taze you
This may shock you, but....
Whose drugs are these?
Everybody say NOT MINE at once
Don't make me run after you, bro
I am mad
Git on the GROUND, NOW
I am VERY mad
The dog will bite you
The dog is also very mad
STOP - POLICE!
This is some sort of inside joke the police never share with the public
Mating Call of the adult male policeman
I'll bet you look pretty without 30 pounds of body armor
These are actual responses from people when police talk to them:
You said you're Lori but the license says Steve
I am a transexual and used to be Steve. Parts of me still are. Wanna see?
Why were you running?
Because you were chasing me
Your sister said the drugs are yours
Dat not my sister
You were driving the car
Dat not my car
I pulled the crack from your pocket
Dat not my pants
Why didn't you pull over?
I didn't see those piercing blue lights or hear the deafening siren
How can I help you?
He sold me $20 of pot but it's stinkweed. I want my money back
I'm citing you for all this pot.
Can't I get half of it back? That's my weed!
Did you swallow anything?
I didn't swallow anything
You look like you just swallowed a leprechaun
C'mon out - stop being stupid.
You should stop being a criminal - you're not very good at it.
Is that your underwear in your coat? Whose underwear do you have in your coat? A gift? Who did you buy underwear for - new or used?
You take traffic - I'll rescue the model
It's free and worth every penny you're paying for it.
At a high rate of speed
Fast
Made visual contact with
Saw
a green, leafy substance that might be marijuana
Pot
Cannabis
Pot
Male subject
Man
Canine officer
Dog
10-25 PP
I have to go to the bathroom
10-69
Sex with partners horizontally reversed
Code 4
All is well and we're at the bar
Code 3.57PQNVVY72
yes
Code canine 92
Why are my female partners such friggin dogs?
On scene
Here
Method of conveyance suffered a full horizontal reversal
Car turned over
Obstructed license plate
They have drugs
No license plate light
They have drugs
Window tint too dark
They have drugs
Failure to signal for the full 2 seconds
They have drugs
The reason I pulled you over is...
Do you mind if I search your car for drugs?
Bumper is too shiny
They have drugs
The canine has indicated
The dog said there's drugs
Hang out for a second
You have drugs I haven't found yet
There are drugs in plain sight
We pull over many stupid people
Bro, you gotta clean your car
There are used condoms all over your car
Ok. Ok. Ok
You know I'm humoring you before I taze you, right?
Do you have your license and registration?
Nobody has a license or I.D. but I like wasting everybody's time by asking
You're very attractive, ma'am
You used to be a man, didn't you? Do we need a male or a female officer to frisk you?
Ok
You're full of shit
I understand
You're full of shit
Code brown
He took a dump in my cruiser
Ya feel me?
knowwhatImsayin?
You are being detained, not arrested
These cuffs will not come off til you get to the station
Imo taze you
This may shock you, but....
Whose drugs are these?
Everybody say NOT MINE at once
Don't make me run after you, bro
I am mad
Git on the GROUND, NOW
I am VERY mad
The dog will bite you
The dog is also very mad
STOP - POLICE!
This is some sort of inside joke the police never share with the public
Mating Call of the adult male policeman
I'll bet you look pretty without 30 pounds of body armor
These are actual responses from people when police talk to them:
You said you're Lori but the license says Steve
I am a transexual and used to be Steve. Parts of me still are. Wanna see?
Why were you running?
Because you were chasing me
Your sister said the drugs are yours
Dat not my sister
You were driving the car
Dat not my car
I pulled the crack from your pocket
Dat not my pants
Why didn't you pull over?
I didn't see those piercing blue lights or hear the deafening siren
How can I help you?
He sold me $20 of pot but it's stinkweed. I want my money back
I'm citing you for all this pot.
Can't I get half of it back? That's my weed!
Did you swallow anything?
I didn't swallow anything
You look like you just swallowed a leprechaun
C'mon out - stop being stupid.
You should stop being a criminal - you're not very good at it.
Is that your underwear in your coat? Whose underwear do you have in your coat? A gift? Who did you buy underwear for - new or used?
You take traffic - I'll rescue the model
Monday, October 22, 2018
Walmart Loves You
Walmart loves you so much, it wants to ensure your health by taking your vital signs while you shop.
A patent application is very revealing of their desire to keep everyone safe: a biometric sensor in shopping cart handles.
Well, if that isn't the creepiest thing you read today, I'll eat my hat. Better yet, I'll eat Shakira.
Walmart will have to convene a panel to figure out why all their customers are wearing heavy gloves in the summer. Better yet, why people are shopping elsewhere (except the useful idiots who think it's nice of Walmart to monitor their health, in case they have a heart attack while shopping).
Your even bigger surprise is that there's no way listed of opting out of this chicanery. And of course, no personal information will be collected (aside from every biometric sign available).
ThermionicEmissions has some journalistic connections, who advise us they print only what they're told to. ThermionicEmissions also knows some sneaky people, who helped us discover some other patent applications about to be filed by the mega-giant and seer of all retail health things:
A patent application is very revealing of their desire to keep everyone safe: a biometric sensor in shopping cart handles.
These sensors would track the shoppers’ heart rates, temperatures, grip strength, and stress levels, not to mention the cart’s weight, speed and idle time. Next, that info would be sent to a server where the data could be analyzed and compared against baselines obtained when the customer first grabbed the cart.
Well, if that isn't the creepiest thing you read today, I'll eat my hat. Better yet, I'll eat Shakira.
Walmart will have to convene a panel to figure out why all their customers are wearing heavy gloves in the summer. Better yet, why people are shopping elsewhere (except the useful idiots who think it's nice of Walmart to monitor their health, in case they have a heart attack while shopping).
Your even bigger surprise is that there's no way listed of opting out of this chicanery. And of course, no personal information will be collected (aside from every biometric sign available).
ThermionicEmissions has some journalistic connections, who advise us they print only what they're told to. ThermionicEmissions also knows some sneaky people, who helped us discover some other patent applications about to be filed by the mega-giant and seer of all retail health things:
- a sensor for your dining room chairs, that detects how you're feeling when you get home from Walmart, and at all other times. Also, whether you washed recently. This sensor is taking a while to be approved, as it keeps beating Alexa up.
- a sensor to monitor your colonic health. This is inserted rectally, for the best connection. This will also tell when you clench your butt cheeks, after hearing what Walmart is up to this time.
- sensors for your genitals, to tell when you're really excited about a sale.
- a scanner for all your important paperwork, to save Walmart the research
- all of these sensors to be tested in Walmart's new
campssleeping facilities.
We always feel protected by our guardians in Washington, but we'll never feel the level of protection afforded to the citizens of Ireland. Like the US, every piece of mail coming into the country is subject to scrutiny. The US protects its citizens from surprise by examining the contents of the letters. Ireland protects its citizens from any sort of plant or drugs. It is even more magnanimous via protecting manufacturers from fake goods. But that's not it, no sir.. they protect their countrymen (and women) by protecting them from offshore medical products. The kind people order over the internet. "You never know what they're made from," says the helpful package opener. Never mind that some citizen ordered this with full knowledge, probably because the pharmaceutical company gouges the people in Ireland, like they do in the US. Ireland is concerned, more than anything, with the health of its people. You can tell by the way they confiscate cigarettes mailed to people. It has nothing at all to do with the usurious tax rate on ciggies.
- Some stuff that happens in England with the police leaves me howling. Usually it's uncontrolled panic over someone with a steak knife. Even funnier, if you can imagine that, is watching a policeman using a broom after an accident; cleaning up. Where I live, the victim of the accident is ordered to clean up. And there's no broom.
How's Space Force, you ask.....
As usual, you'll be sorry you asked.
Due to some additional funding that hasn't materialized, Space Force is at a standstill, as new projects go. You simply do not let a force of ADHD-addled, top of the line, highly driven types go without any significant direction. Last we heard, they're out racing saucer-shaped craft. It's a great team-building exercise, and every now and then, the aliens let them win.
- I have a remote coworker I've never met. I can tell she's tall from the way she types.
Do you feel protected now, punk? Do you?
Department of Defense Travel System Exposed data of 30,000 Civilian, Military employees.
Probably occurred months before the October 4th discovery.
"..the breach occurred at a travel management services firm that handles "a small percentage" of DoD's travel services.
Good thing it was a small percentage... only 30,000. A major breach would be rough, eh?
- I an ugly happenstance that I don't understand, Myanmar used Faceyspaces to help fight a war. FB had no idea it was going on and rushed to shut down 'a bunch of accounts.'
- The Myanmari military operated without any scrutiny, as they didn't malign muslims or any other minority.
Remember Do-Not-Track?
After taking a look at it the first time, I knew where it was headed (the digital trashcan). Let's face it - much like being on the Do-Not-Call list, it depends wholly on people at the other end respecting your choice. Let's face it - that ain't gonna happen, no way, no how.
And now we hit the crux of the biscuit: even the author of the article mentions the user experience. Folks, if the user experience is more important than the security of the device and your personal information, perhaps you need to reevaluate your stance on the matter. Maybe you need to get hit with the exploit (or a 2x4) to adjust your thinking accordingly. Is it any wonder I haven't been asked to write for any major (or minor) publications?
This information may be moot because people don't care enough about security to read or take notice. Well, not on this blog, but one that has a wider circulation (although I'd prefer this blog, for some reason).
- WHY IS THERE A BOX OF LEMON BAR MIX in my kitchen?
Just in case you were feeling that your government was made of a bunch of doofuses, know that there's no difference the world over: UK's Ministry of Defence discovered 37 security breaches of protocol last year. Breaches of protocol are even more astounding than the garden variety breaches because it's just stupid people doing stupid things. Send sensitive information over the web, unencrypted. Plug USB drives into your computer without checking or scanning. Leave the computer locked when you walk out of the room.
There is a long list, but the people up top don't want to discuss it, because it might lead to a cyber-attack. I have to admit, that's a good one. "Gee, we'd truly love to tell you every detail of how we screwed up royally, but we're really concerned that doing so might somehow put you at further risk. If we tell you, the terrorists win, yeah? Believe me, there's nothing we'd rather do, but our hands are tied here. It's for the children.
That's irony, right?
Still no word from the Ministry of Speelling Things Incorrectly.
- Do you have or need a baby monitor? This guy did the research on putting one up safely.
A Spanish security person has discovered a second bug in the iPhone lockscreen, which allows a person with the phone to hijack your pictures and send them to another phone. Got a pissed off spouse (who doesn't?), disrespectful kids (redundant), or someone who happens to be in the house and curious?
While waiting for the Apple patch, the temporary solution is to disable Siri from the lockscreen.
Of course, disabling Siri would cripple your iOS 12 experience...
And now we hit the crux of the biscuit: even the author of the article mentions the user experience. Folks, if the user experience is more important than the security of the device and your personal information, perhaps you need to reevaluate your stance on the matter. Maybe you need to get hit with the exploit (or a 2x4) to adjust your thinking accordingly. Is it any wonder I haven't been asked to write for any major (or minor) publications?
This information may be moot because people don't care enough about security to read or take notice. Well, not on this blog, but one that has a wider circulation (although I'd prefer this blog, for some reason).
- If you're an old computer soul, you'll remember Winamp, which whipped the llama's ass. It was THE player of audio. Bought by AOL, it kinda floundered. A new company has purchased it and it's officially coming back.
- The program is referred to as broken and dated. It still plays audio files, so how broken can it be?
- Once again, the article includes the word experience. I don't want a playing experience: I want to play my files. Nothing else. No blinky lights, no waveform display that looks like a heartbeat on a hospital monitor (he's in v-fib! Charge to 240- CLEAR!), and no equalizer whose curve looks like a smile. Not even a trick button that makes you think you're listening to surround sound instead of missing half your music.
There is a vacuum in the house.
Not the kind that picks up dirt.
It's an anomaly in the vortex.
It's a small black vacuum that's always there, frequently following us around.
It makes no sound, but is omnipresent.
It's very familiar, yet the absolute opposite of something we knew.
it's been three months and still tears me apart
 |
| I'm telling you - the Russians are meddling in our process... |
Monday, September 10, 2018
The Pizza Has Developed Ants
What's the best thing to say to a very mad, agitated person?
Calm down.
It's the best thing because it will piss the person off more, providing additional entertainment for you.
I just saw my second commercial for Born Like this. Still no idea why people watch it. The commercial was about two people in the show getting married. It is absolutely adorable when my dogs occasionally had their tongue hanging out the side of their mouth. After seeing the bride's face, I'd prefer my wife not do that. And that's all I have to say about that.
Google (Do Evil), due to a flaw in their Chrome browser, can associate your incognito data to your other identified data. Of course Google claims they don't do this, and they'd have no reason to lie (see FB). This also includes android data from Chrome on your phone. All of this comes courtesy of one of their ad partners. I'm pretty sure the stock android browser is built on Chrome.
I don't want to point out an issue without offering a solution.
The obvious: Don't have anything to do with Google. This includes Google the search engine (use duckduckgo.com). You can de-Google your android phone, but it's beyond the scope of this missive (take your email address off the phone and use an alternate store like apkmirror.com or aptoide.com). Don't use gmail because it's read and because it's Google. Install a good ad blocker, which will go quite a bit toward keeping your information private. If you can root your phone, you'll get the best protection (do a search on rooting unless your carrier is Verizon, which won't be rooted). Don't use Chrome browser or the stock android browser. Use Firefox, Waterfox, and others, on your desktop too. Also make sure the browser isn't based on Chrome.
You'll get a lot of information by doing a search. You can also ask here.
Calm down.
It's the best thing because it will piss the person off more, providing additional entertainment for you.
- Today's best police call: Car vs House
- Todays worst tv utterance: This olympic sprinter is taking it all in stride
- One can purchase vegan shampoo. Hopefully it's caffeine and gluten free
- When is life officially over? When you've been told you're no longer welcome at Walmart.
Perhaps it's better that Wife and I are not in the same room (or house) in the morning. So far I've been interrupted six times with Various Important Stories from whatever morning show is giving her ideas.
If you want to protect your kids from being tagged Nerd, you better get ready for Inside Out Pants. Yes, pants that look like they're inside out. Buy seven at only $1,100 per pair! Think of it as an investment in your kids' mental health and self-esteem.
The mascot for the Trenton Thunder, some sort of sports team, is a pork roll. Although that might be a plus for some locals, it proves we're beyond embarrassment. Why not the Trenton Scrapple? Probably because there's already a scrapple team in Philly.
The Good Neighbor, who Marshall trained to feed him on command, picked Tuesday to hose down the outside. Spritz. Spritz. Only she doesn't leave the hose on... no.... Spritz. Spritz. Spritz.
Hey, I should try to fix this.. Spritz. Spritz. Spritz.
Laptop..Spritz. Spritz. Spritz. Tonight..Spritz. Spritz. Spritz. Spritz.
You know what would be gr... Spritz. Spritz. Spritz. A malt! Spritz. Spritz.
She's a really nice neigh..Spritz. Spritz. Spritz.
Ever see a garden hose enema? Spritz. Spritz. Spriiiiiiitz. Spritz.
The Good Neighbor, who Marshall trained to feed him on command, picked Tuesday to hose down the outside. Spritz. Spritz. Only she doesn't leave the hose on... no.... Spritz. Spritz. Spritz.
Hey, I should try to fix this.. Spritz. Spritz. Spritz.
Laptop..Spritz. Spritz. Spritz. Tonight..Spritz. Spritz. Spritz. Spritz.
You know what would be gr... Spritz. Spritz. Spritz. A malt! Spritz. Spritz.
She's a really nice neigh..Spritz. Spritz. Spritz.
Ever see a garden hose enema? Spritz. Spritz. Spriiiiiiitz. Spritz.
- Our good friends at PETA, because they haven't gotten much press lately, have demanded that Aretha Franklin's (RIP) family donate her furs to Charity.
- I'm in Deep DooDoo because one of my readers is a member. As an animal lover, I agree with some of their platform, but they are a bit silly sometimes. I miss Act Up, the AIDS group, which would pull very silly public stunts, like carrying coffins and throwing condoms. Those people were creative.
- PETA got caught euthanizing dogs a while back, so their authority is somewhat questionable. Ultimately, my commitment to free speech overrules anything else.
- I am informed that the demanded furs are to make PETA's rescues comfortable. I love comfortable animals, but this strikes me as somewhat hypocritical.
- Perhaps ThermionicEmissions needs to start publicly demanding things... I demand Hollywood actors and actresses do unpaid internships at Second Amendment organizations. I demand the executives of major social media sites (FB, Twitter, Google) do unpaid internships at First Amendment organizations. I demand that the president take creative writing and when to shut up courses. I demand that Steven Segal donate his 1954 left-handed Stratocaster to ThermionicEmissions and $500,000 to left-handed charities. If he can't find any left-handed charities, start one.
Q. How do you have the Best Sex Ever with Hollywood actresses?
- get naked
- get on top and start the fun
- whisper in her ear, "I just made a donation in your name to the NRA."
- hold on for dear life.
Really bad broadcast television is showing up all over the place. You know - the channels way up in the UHF band. They run all sorts of ancient shows, probably because copyright has expired or some other ridiculous reason. Today's treat was Adam 12, where you can hear phrases like "Don't give me that jive" and "what about the fuzz". I heard a familiar voice and looked up - Mickey Dolenz (The Monkees), as "Oiler", per the credits. After that, it's Emergency (KMG365 is their call sign). Some classic Bad TV. Who would have imagined that their large box radio used to call the hospital would turn into a small thing that everybody carries, with all the answers?
- Know what's telling and depressing? When watching COPS, I might find the police arresting a really cute female. Within seconds, I find out they're being arrested for meth or something. Yeah, I like them skinny. And drug-dependent, apparently.
- I also notice that most of the people pulled over have much nicer cars than me. They're not employed and I have a good job. I still love my Hyundai, and will buy another one when the time comes.
I just saw my second commercial for Born Like this. Still no idea why people watch it. The commercial was about two people in the show getting married. It is absolutely adorable when my dogs occasionally had their tongue hanging out the side of their mouth. After seeing the bride's face, I'd prefer my wife not do that. And that's all I have to say about that.
- Today I got email letting me know ukulele kits are 50% off. Of course they're 50% off - it's rude to play ukulele or speak French in public.
Google (Do Evil), due to a flaw in their Chrome browser, can associate your incognito data to your other identified data. Of course Google claims they don't do this, and they'd have no reason to lie (see FB). This also includes android data from Chrome on your phone. All of this comes courtesy of one of their ad partners. I'm pretty sure the stock android browser is built on Chrome.
I don't want to point out an issue without offering a solution.
The obvious: Don't have anything to do with Google. This includes Google the search engine (use duckduckgo.com). You can de-Google your android phone, but it's beyond the scope of this missive (take your email address off the phone and use an alternate store like apkmirror.com or aptoide.com). Don't use gmail because it's read and because it's Google. Install a good ad blocker, which will go quite a bit toward keeping your information private. If you can root your phone, you'll get the best protection (do a search on rooting unless your carrier is Verizon, which won't be rooted). Don't use Chrome browser or the stock android browser. Use Firefox, Waterfox, and others, on your desktop too. Also make sure the browser isn't based on Chrome.
You'll get a lot of information by doing a search. You can also ask here.
The Mailbox
I was ahead of the curve when I was very little. Tools were acquired and I liked to play with stuff. I took vacuums apart and somehow managed to get them back together. This is extremely odd and ironic, as I want nothing to do with them today.
Now that I'm a homeowner, these skills come in handy.
Actually these skills would come in handy.
But they don't actually come in handy.
I don't know what the hell happened, but I have gone Stupid. I still have my tools, some of which are actually in my toolbox, except for philips screwdrivers, which are like socks, disappearing into the Matrix. I just don't use them.
When I can, I prefer to pay or barter for fixing things.
A few years back, a brother-in-law, who could build a barn out of a piece of wood and two matchsticks, came by and showed me how to install a mailbox. Turned out to be pretty easy, but I had no way of knowing. Unfortunately the brother-in-law, as well as the mailbox, are gone. Well, almost gone. The mailbox is leaning precariously. Poor mailman.
After way too long of beating me about the head, my wife 'convinced' me to install the new one. I was worried, as it had been here long enough to rot, like the old one. It actually looked relatively easy (cue ominous music). The first thing was to ignore any sort of concrete and literally put a screw into the ground. When I say screw, I mean a thing slightly larger than a baseball bat, with threads. They gave us a piece of 3/4" thick rebar to twist it into the ground. I got this, I said to myself, which, unfortunately, I said out loud. I began screwing (shut up) and discovered it was failing to screw, even putting all my considerable weight into it. Ok, maybe I hit concrete. I moved left and screwed again, with exactly the same result. IS MY ENTIRE HOUSE BUILT ON IRON or slabs of concrete? I sat down on the steps, with water dripping off me. I couldn't tell if it was sweat or tears. Probably both. I went into the Wayback Machine, when my tools and I could actually complete a task successfully.
One foot over proved to be the key and it screwed in fairly easily, by which I mean halfway.
It was the nastiest part of summer. Ninety degrees with close to ninety percent humidity. Walking down the front steps provided enough sweat to require a shower, no less screwing something into stubborn grass and dirt. Sweat was dripping all over me. Don't forget, I'm a network security guy. The most exercise I get is walking to my computer (and scouring the house for a philips screwdriver). I was a mess. After getting the screw to its estimated height, it was time to attach the baseball bat sized 4x4. This attached with very long screws, for stability. The whole thing was well engineered and very simple for those who aren't simple and can assemble things. I really missed my brother-in-law, moreso. The screws required a socket wrench or box wrench to install, as they were three inches long. I ran to get my handy sockets, which were, for some reason, all together in my toolbox. I noticed I didn't have a box wrench in that size anyway, so it was the socket set. I was so proud to have the right tool at the right time. I got to screwing and quickly noticed that the wrench itself had a stripped gear, barely catching for long enough to turn the socket. Oops.. in the deepest recesses of my failed memory, there was a wrench that I was going to take to Sears and exchange, because of the lifetime Craftsman warranty. A long time ago. Really long.
I got two screws in far enough for the 4x4 to stand damn near vertically. Since most of the house (and its occupants) stand damn near vertically, it didn't look out of place. All I needed was to finish screwing (shut up, still) and the thing would be done. Since it was wobbly, we put the mailbox part on the step for the time being. Poor mailman. And it was off to Sears for the replacement ratchet. When I say off to Sears, I mean it went on The List. Weeks later, we still haven't made it to Sears, the post continues to lean precariously, and the mailbox has taken up near permanent residence on the step. And Wife keeps telling me we need to finish the mailbox. Like most bosses, 'we' means 'you'. To be fair, 'we' have had Very Important Issues, preventing us from getting out. I believe her when she tells me this, although I have no real idea what the Very Important Issues are. Since I'm married, I'm happy to take her word for it. Happy Wife, Happy Life.
I was hoping to get out today, provided there were no Very Important Issues preventing us from going. After all, it's the weekend and I was up at the crack of noon. I stumbled down the stairs drunkenly, which was a shame because I don't drink.
I promise to keep everyone updated, should the mailbox become completed, perhaps because the brother-in-law resurrected long enough to complete it. Poor mailman.
Wednesday, September 5, 2018
It's a Good Thing People Don't Have to Remember to Breathe
Speaking of net neutrality, Verizon throttled Santa Clara County, California, fire company's 'unlimited' data plan. This fire company happened to be fighting the fires out there and had to pay Verizon more money to end the serious throttling, even after explaining about the fires. As this is America, there is a lawsuit.
What have we learned? That cable companies' definition of Unlimited is Somewhat Unlimited.
What have we learned? That cable companies' definition of Unlimited is Somewhat Unlimited.
- This morning's 7am noise was something very loud that required a backup beeper. Wife said it was a neighbor, this time digging up his driveway. I've seen this drive... you could eat off it and use it to calibrate your level.
- I've known the owner since we moved in. He had this child with a frightening look in his eyes. Wife and I looked at each other and agreed that there are many dead animals in his back yard, because that's how psychopaths start. This same child just bought the house from his parents. I'll bet he's trying to unearth his ex-pets. Maybe he's making amends. Maybe he's making dinner.. who knows?
The electric company in Naperville, IL, wants to put electronic 'smart' meters on everybody's service, with no opt-out. Some people in Naperville were very opposed to this, as everyone should be, and filed suit to stop it. At very least, this is a violation of the Fourth Amendment (search and seizure). Additionally, this would allow the electric company to determine electrical usage and a profile of the user. This is why these meters must be opposed. You know this data will be sold.
The judge agreed that this is Search. However, and there's always a however:
Although a Constitution fan, it's possible I could be ignorant of certain legal concepts. If any of you know, please chime in.
The Fourth, as indicated above, guarantees against illegal search and seizure. This means the police require a warrant to enter your house, which had better cover whatever they're looking for. A perfect example of this is drunk driver stops. Although somehow ruled legal, the police have no reasonable suspicion that anyone driving on the road is drunk, yet they stop you. Additionally, if they find money on you and seize it, that is also illegal (although needs to be fought in some states).
Here's where things get shaky: The Amendments, to my knowledge, are solid; not to be balanced against government interest. Here's a hypothetical: your local police department (or SWAT) breaks down your door, without a warrant, looking for guns. They find guns and confiscate them. In court the homeowner's lawyer claims a clear violation of the Fourth Amendment. Let's face it - he's right. This is a clear cut case. The judge agrees: this is illegal Search and Seizure. However, and there's always a however, the government's interest in removing guns is reasonable and the case is dismissed.
Do you see my problem?
It's your problem too.
The judge agreed that this is Search. However, and there's always a however:
.....because the collection of smart meter data allows utilities to reduce costs, provide cheaper power to consumers, encourage energy efficiency and increase grid stability, it is very much in the government’s interest and can be allowed.
Although a Constitution fan, it's possible I could be ignorant of certain legal concepts. If any of you know, please chime in.
The Fourth, as indicated above, guarantees against illegal search and seizure. This means the police require a warrant to enter your house, which had better cover whatever they're looking for. A perfect example of this is drunk driver stops. Although somehow ruled legal, the police have no reasonable suspicion that anyone driving on the road is drunk, yet they stop you. Additionally, if they find money on you and seize it, that is also illegal (although needs to be fought in some states).
Here's where things get shaky: The Amendments, to my knowledge, are solid; not to be balanced against government interest. Here's a hypothetical: your local police department (or SWAT) breaks down your door, without a warrant, looking for guns. They find guns and confiscate them. In court the homeowner's lawyer claims a clear violation of the Fourth Amendment. Let's face it - he's right. This is a clear cut case. The judge agrees: this is illegal Search and Seizure. However, and there's always a however, the government's interest in removing guns is reasonable and the case is dismissed.
Do you see my problem?
It's your problem too.
- Still have a Faceyspaces account? They want to figure out if you're legitimate or a fake news provider. You will be assigned a rating on how trustworthy you are.
- Since when is it the job of social media to indicate your trustworthiness? By what standards is this judged? Can standards apply? Will the political leanings of the decider affect the answer?
I watch LivePD. I have a strange affection for police shows, aside from the previous rant about the War on Drugs. There's another show called Nightwatch, which is live ambulance crews in different states. LivePD is very instructive. Today I learned that it's perfectly ok to wear a bra and shorts, but only if you're female and have a humongous gut that hangs over your waist or sticks straight out, like a beer gut. These grown women are on national tv looking like this.
The criminals are a lot different than years back. They stand there and argue with the police, then get righteously indignant when the police want to pat them down. Don't forget that everybody's a lawyer. When the guy in his house fires a gun and the police taze him and carry him away, he's screaming the entire time that they didn't have a warrant to enter his house. This guy screamed at the top of his lungs for about 15 minutes. The producer of the show, who apparently hates his audience, kept the cameras rolling the entire time. I have to give the police credit for not tazing a large percentage of people they meet. This is precisely why I'm not allowed to have a taser.
I also found out that everybody is related, cops and criminals. Everybody calls everybody else 'bro'. Ok, mostly the men. Some lady called the police because somebody parked in her spot and is disrespecting her. It's a great thing it's not illegal to be an asshole: we'd have to triple the number of police on the streets.
Here's one tip: you can get out of a strip search if you defecate all over yourself.
The criminals are a lot different than years back. They stand there and argue with the police, then get righteously indignant when the police want to pat them down. Don't forget that everybody's a lawyer. When the guy in his house fires a gun and the police taze him and carry him away, he's screaming the entire time that they didn't have a warrant to enter his house. This guy screamed at the top of his lungs for about 15 minutes. The producer of the show, who apparently hates his audience, kept the cameras rolling the entire time. I have to give the police credit for not tazing a large percentage of people they meet. This is precisely why I'm not allowed to have a taser.
I also found out that everybody is related, cops and criminals. Everybody calls everybody else 'bro'. Ok, mostly the men. Some lady called the police because somebody parked in her spot and is disrespecting her. It's a great thing it's not illegal to be an asshole: we'd have to triple the number of police on the streets.
Here's one tip: you can get out of a strip search if you defecate all over yourself.
- I was minding my business when I got a picture in text. It's my best friend, standing next to Jeff Lynne, of ELO. People around me live very exciting lives. I make shit up and put it on a blog.
- I take that back: a couple of porn stars follow me on Twitter. [@leftystrat]
Today was another one of those days.
You know them.... the days where something doesn't go right, then nothing else goes right. It's kinda like a dark slapstick comedy that rolls downhill like a snowball, smashing at house at the bottom.
We're watching tv. Wife decides to go up for a nap. I decide to stretch out on the sofa for my own nap. Just as I drift off, Wife comes down the steps. We watch 10 minutes of tv and Wife goes up for another nap. I dare not try again because she'll be down again. Watching her nap is like watching a tennis ball. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up Down. The joke is always on me because she doesn't sleep.
I need breakfast, because it's getting close to 2pm. In the kitchen is leftover pizza, which I can't wait to eat. Oops, the ants have won this battle. You do NOT screw with a man's pizza, especially this pizza. I killed each one of them individually, using different methods. The real problem here is how to discourage other ants from trying this sort of thing. The Mongols would cut off their enemies' heads and put them on posts at the city limits, as a warning to anyone else who would try it. Have you ever tried to cut off 100 ants' heads? And put them on posts, as a warning to any other ants who might try it? Maybe if I staple them to the pizza box.
I go back to the couch and immediately kick something very heavy, creating pain in my foot worse than the pain developing in my head. Why was it in the way? Because we moved it. No matter where we move something, one of us will kick it or trip over it. If we nailed it to the ceiling, we'd find a way to trip over it.
I want a bigass tablet, but they're prohibitively expensive. I have my old first generation large tablet, which I retrieved. Annnnd there's no charging cable. This was back when every company used their own cables. I saw this cable within the last 2 weeks, so naturally I couldn't find it. I looked where I put all the cables I find. Nope. It was difficult to see because my house has no natural light. It's so bright you'll burn out your eyes if you go outside, but most of my house is black. The house was designed by someone with one of those diseases where they can't get sun or they'll develop herpes or something. As a consequence, the windows were placed so the sun won't shine in the house unless it rises in the north and sets in the south. We used to have this really cool halogen lamp that lit up the entire floor. They were made illegal because they fell over and started fires. I'm perfectly willing to take that chance, but nooooo. You can't buy a 200w bulb anymore, so unless I want to have 12 lamps in my living room, I'm screwed. So Wife gives me one of her 427 flashlights; the only one she can find. As soon as I point it where I need to look, it flickers. Of course it flickers, it's a super bright LED flashlight. Technology has definitely improved our lives.. the bulbs can flicker much longer these days.
Turning around, I tripped over my shoes.
I took a pause to reflect and for inspiration, at which point a large Styrofoam package fell on my head. I'm doing well - I haven't killed anyone in a long time. I switch on the small halogen light, which is very efficient. It gets so hot, it could cook the (ant-covered) pizza in the kitchen. It smells because dust lands on it. Well, dust plus the shade I made out of the skulls of my enemies. Giving up, I decide to heat something in the oven. On the way to the kitchen, I kicked something...
What is today's lesson?
It's harder to remember your medicine on weekends.
And make sure that when you put the heads of enemies on posts, the posts are UL approved for use in your city.
- I get more entertainment from ticket companies than some of the acts they promote. Today's was Jason Bonham's Led Zeppelin Evening. Right under that was the music of Michael Jackson vs. Justin Timberlake.
- I'm going to give Jason Bonham a pass: his father was John Bonham, of Led Zeppelin. When the Zep played the O2 center in England, Jason played drums. So you figure if he played with Led Zeppelin, he might be good. However, and there's always a however, the music of Michael Jackson vs. Justin Timberlake? And you have to pay to watch it? No, this is obviously a leftover April Fools joke. People who aren't Michael Jackson or Justin Timberlake are going to dress up and sing their songs, in some sort of competitive game, and you are expected to fork over money to watch it? What a cruel joke....
Speaking of cruel jokes, RIP Senator John McCain (R-Hell). I am repeatedly reminded not to speak ill of the dead. Repeatedly. So I'll just say that the good senator never met a country that wouldn't look better with bombs falling on it. Lockheed paid tribute to him publicly and immediately regretted it. Because John was a Class A Warmonger, billions went to Lockheed. Of course they regret his passing.
- Next time you're around people (a place I try not to be), try this one out: "That's not your real nose."
Friday, July 6, 2018
Golf Balls do NOT Talk
The Marshall Follies
Because having cancer becomes boring after a while, Marshall found a Thing growing on his leg. Multiple doctors said it was completely benign.
Until yesterday, when we noticed it had grown to almost the size of a golf ball and started talking to him.
We took him and his benign Thing to the vet. While the Thing was still technically benign, it could rupture, causing him to leak Important Red Fluid. Of course that will require an operation. I wonder, if operations were $25, would he require so many of them. Marshall is unfazed and requested another malt.
ONE DAY after typing the above, Marshall passed me in the hall. There were bloody pawprints all over the carpet, steps, and through the house. He's now bandaged and his operation is in the morning. Nobody really cares about the blood - Marshall just has to be ok. And he will.
ONE DAY later, he had his operation and was just fine. The entire vet office came out to see him. The owner ran out to see my wife and congratulated her on the cocker with 10 lives.
Unfortunately he's wearing the Cone of Shame. It only took a few hours, after knocking half the house down, to figure out you have to get the cone over the bowl to eat or drink. Now he sits next to us, panting and whining. He has his own fan, to which he is always oriented.
TWO DAYS later, the cone came off. It confuses and unnerves us when he behaves like a dog. Well, he behaved like a neurotic dog, and within a few minutes, had licked his wound open. Suffice it to say he now needs daily antibiotics and daily bandage changes. The vet office has been wonderful to us since this started.
Since the vet office isn't open on Sundays, it was our day to change the dressing. To day it didn't go well could be the understatement of this entire multi-year experience in blogging. I don't ever want to do that again, nor does he. He went to the emergency vet to have it done and is now sporting a glowing green bandage, which goes really well with his black fur.
Coworker Follies
I write about him largely because we have the most amazing communication breakdown in history. We can't get out a sentence without the other not understanding.
ME: You got stuck with Windows 10? That's horrible.
HIM: We'll see how you feel when you get it.
ME: Fortunately my machine won't ever break or need replacement.
HIM: Your home laptop?
we're talking about work machines. Where did my home machine come into this?
He sends me a text about an issue that's really cumbersome and will add a long time to tasks. We go back and forth, trading ideas. I send a final suggestion. He says he's ok with it as it is.
Then why did you bother telling me about it? Did you want to argue with yourself by proxy? Do you have so little to do that you have to needle your coworkers and make sure they're not doing anything either? Do you have some sort of really weird fetish that involves wasting your coworkers' time? Was it good for you too?
One Day Later....
ME: Oh man, I just took that technical training. HR stated that the PTSD incurred is worse than a day at the DMV.
HIM: Oh... wow... so you are exempt from taking it?
Meanwhile, we have to take a Workplace Harassment class.
I figure by next year, I'll be teaching the class. As a how-to.
The good news: WPA3, the security successor to your wireless network's aging and already cracked WPA2, has been announced.
The also good news: WPA2 will continue to be strengthened.
The less than good news: it could be a few years before you see WPA3.
The OMG they did it again news: Easy Connect is a feature that makes it easier to connect Smart Home and Internet of Things devices to their networks. What could possibly go wrong?
A New York school district wants to introduce facial recognition, to make its children safer. Ooh - new, invasive technology! But the privacy nuts won't like it. No problem, we'll say what we always say: It's for the children.
Ooh, wait.. it's not an accurate, proven technology. It isn't good at recognizing people of color. It also isn't good at detecting guns, although that's what the school board wanted to do.
The ACLU formally protested. The school board, in a closed session, rolled around the floor laughing. One actually peed in his pants.
Just to let you know what kind of job police have in England, a woman attempted to rob a convenience store. The clerk locked her in and hit the Police button. She had a knife. Since she got nowhere with the knife, she picked up a bottle. The clerk wasn't impressed with the bottle, and she started threatening the people on the outside of the locked door. The police, understanding that the woman, on the other side of the locked door with the bottle, might use it on them. The cops went into Full Panic Mode and responded with riot gear and pepper spray.
Other countries should have this kind of trouble.
Because having cancer becomes boring after a while, Marshall found a Thing growing on his leg. Multiple doctors said it was completely benign.
Until yesterday, when we noticed it had grown to almost the size of a golf ball and started talking to him.
We took him and his benign Thing to the vet. While the Thing was still technically benign, it could rupture, causing him to leak Important Red Fluid. Of course that will require an operation. I wonder, if operations were $25, would he require so many of them. Marshall is unfazed and requested another malt.
ONE DAY after typing the above, Marshall passed me in the hall. There were bloody pawprints all over the carpet, steps, and through the house. He's now bandaged and his operation is in the morning. Nobody really cares about the blood - Marshall just has to be ok. And he will.
ONE DAY later, he had his operation and was just fine. The entire vet office came out to see him. The owner ran out to see my wife and congratulated her on the cocker with 10 lives.
Unfortunately he's wearing the Cone of Shame. It only took a few hours, after knocking half the house down, to figure out you have to get the cone over the bowl to eat or drink. Now he sits next to us, panting and whining. He has his own fan, to which he is always oriented.
TWO DAYS later, the cone came off. It confuses and unnerves us when he behaves like a dog. Well, he behaved like a neurotic dog, and within a few minutes, had licked his wound open. Suffice it to say he now needs daily antibiotics and daily bandage changes. The vet office has been wonderful to us since this started.
Since the vet office isn't open on Sundays, it was our day to change the dressing. To day it didn't go well could be the understatement of this entire multi-year experience in blogging. I don't ever want to do that again, nor does he. He went to the emergency vet to have it done and is now sporting a glowing green bandage, which goes really well with his black fur.
- This week's stats are in and the winner was Spain, with either 130 or 7 page views. I'm sure this is not Google's fault, because I always mix up 7 and 130.
- The positive takeaways are that linux is the most popular operating system and Internet Explorer is the least used browser.
- The most popular visitor name is Juan. Google knows all.
- I made that up. The Juan thing. Google still knows all.
Coworker Follies
I write about him largely because we have the most amazing communication breakdown in history. We can't get out a sentence without the other not understanding.
ME: You got stuck with Windows 10? That's horrible.
HIM: We'll see how you feel when you get it.
ME: Fortunately my machine won't ever break or need replacement.
HIM: Your home laptop?
we're talking about work machines. Where did my home machine come into this?
He sends me a text about an issue that's really cumbersome and will add a long time to tasks. We go back and forth, trading ideas. I send a final suggestion. He says he's ok with it as it is.
Then why did you bother telling me about it? Did you want to argue with yourself by proxy? Do you have so little to do that you have to needle your coworkers and make sure they're not doing anything either? Do you have some sort of really weird fetish that involves wasting your coworkers' time? Was it good for you too?
One Day Later....
ME: Oh man, I just took that technical training. HR stated that the PTSD incurred is worse than a day at the DMV.
HIM: Oh... wow... so you are exempt from taking it?
Meanwhile, we have to take a Workplace Harassment class.
I figure by next year, I'll be teaching the class. As a how-to.
- I've been living in the same house for a long time. I love my neighborhood. It's nice, safe, and quiet, as I tell everyone. Apparently I lied. It was quiet, until the machines took over. It started with the House That Took Over the Neighborhood. It started as a small starter home and now, in a 4 year process, is three times as large on the outside, and has seven floors down, the last one being 3,004 feet underground. Perhaps they're preppers. Maybe this is a Neighborhood Military thing to surprise the enemy (when we find out who the enemy is). Then the Loud Family, which has some form of construction every day of the week, including rain days. It usually involves a loud circular saw biting into something metal.
- Today it's BEEP-BEEP-BEEP, like a backup beeper from an 18 wheeler. The BEEP-BEEP-BEEP is coming at ten second intervals, as if the 18 wheeler is backing up, moving forward three inches, then backing up again. Perhaps one of our neighbors has opened one of those schools that you see on tv, where you learn to drive a truck in only four weeks.
- My wife, who keeps track of everything that happens in the hood, told me the neighbor was digging up her yard. Looking out the window, the 18 wheeler turned out to be one of those cute, tiny little Caterpillars that you rent to dig up yards when your shovel breaks. It digs one foot of dirt, then backs up. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP. All day. Probably all night too. I just want to know why a piece of 'construction equipment' half the size of a VW Beetle, requires a backup beeper. Is it to protect little children riding by on their little trikes with their little helmets?
Unlike mowing, I do not have a pathological hatred of vacuuming.
It's a household thing, as even Marshall doesn't care about the nemesis of all dogs. He barked a bit when he was younger, now he figures screw it.
Tell me if you hear any of this while vacuuming... [I'm in italics]
You can't just vacuum. You've got to pick stuff up first.
Doesn't the vacuum pick stuff up?
No - that stuff will clog it up.
Let me give you the rug rake.
Why do I have to rake the rug?
To get up all the pet and people hair.
Doesn't the vacuum pick it up?
No - that stuff will clog it up.
I need to get at that dirt.
What dirt?
The dirt under the weed whacker. In front of the tv.
What is that huge black stain from?
You should try vacuuming under the chair too.
Why is there a three foot long screw by the couch?
That's not the dog - it's a dust cocker.
Are your guitars migrating to the living room?
No.
How many do you have out?
One - next to the couch. That's not a lot.
What are those?
Oh. Four total. That's not a lot.
Could you move that one - your parents are coming over.
Which one?
I can kill you from here, you know.
Please do something with that whip before your parents get here.
Does this vacuum pick up [THUMP - screech]. Apparently not.
- Wanna impress your snotty cybersecurity friends at parties? The answer is hell yeah, until you realize that cybersecurity people aren't at parties, so they stopped being invited years ago.
- Try this: a RAT is a Remote Access Trojan. It is placed on a system to create a backdoor for future access. A bank in India discovered its ATM wasn't working, despite being full of money. It was then they discovered the RAT. When they opened the machine, 17,500 rupees were shredded, by the dead rodent they found. Sometimes this stuff becomes literal.
- If you're a customer of the southern US PDQ food chain, hope you didn't use your cards to purchase anything. From May 19, 2017 – April 20, 2018 the system was hacked. PDQ had no idea, hence the ridiculous amount of time it lasted. The announcement said it might have happened via a vendor's remote access. They have no idea, but figure if you were a customer during that time, your card information was accessed. I'm sure they are very sorry, but forgot to say that in the announcement.
- Comcast shut down an interface on its site after it was discovered to reveal home addresses, account numbers and additional customer data without permission to others sharing the same network as the customer or using an app on the network. Comcast naturally apologizes and says they don't believe any data was accessed because you need to be logged into the network already.
- “Overlooking basic API authentication illustrates a shameful degree of negligence at Comcast,” Ben Johnson, CTO and co-founder at Obsidian Security
The good news: WPA3, the security successor to your wireless network's aging and already cracked WPA2, has been announced.
The also good news: WPA2 will continue to be strengthened.
The less than good news: it could be a few years before you see WPA3.
The OMG they did it again news: Easy Connect is a feature that makes it easier to connect Smart Home and Internet of Things devices to their networks. What could possibly go wrong?
- You know I hate social news stories, but my wife brought up that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban have never texted. Kidman said it forces them to talk to each other. Wife said that they stole this from us.. we rarely text. Why, you ask? Because her phone is so brain damaged that it might refuse to ring or claim the call is email. If she tries to text me, it takes up to three days to arrive. Before you tell me this is on purpose, it takes the same amount of time for everybody else.
- Just to make things more interesting, it developed alzheimers and randomly mixes up information. When her mom calls, the first name displayed is the vet, the last name from my family, and a random picture. If she didn't know the phone number, she'd have no idea who was calling. I've spoken to phone experts who have never seen this before.
A New York school district wants to introduce facial recognition, to make its children safer. Ooh - new, invasive technology! But the privacy nuts won't like it. No problem, we'll say what we always say: It's for the children.
Ooh, wait.. it's not an accurate, proven technology. It isn't good at recognizing people of color. It also isn't good at detecting guns, although that's what the school board wanted to do.
The ACLU formally protested. The school board, in a closed session, rolled around the floor laughing. One actually peed in his pants.
- A hot new internet trend is posting pictures of the cat in your house that somehow appeared but isn't yours. So if your children ask where cats come from, tell them cats are a quantum lifeform that both exist and doesn't exist at the same time. When you are not observing them, they pop into existence and POOF - you have a cat. It's really that simple.
Just to let you know what kind of job police have in England, a woman attempted to rob a convenience store. The clerk locked her in and hit the Police button. She had a knife. Since she got nowhere with the knife, she picked up a bottle. The clerk wasn't impressed with the bottle, and she started threatening the people on the outside of the locked door. The police, understanding that the woman, on the other side of the locked door with the bottle, might use it on them. The cops went into Full Panic Mode and responded with riot gear and pepper spray.
Other countries should have this kind of trouble.
Monday, February 12, 2018
He's Dead, Jim
Sometimes, they are all out to get you department:
It's my wife's communicator, Jim. In the 2000s, we call them cell phones.
Through a combination of negligence, volume, and evil, that phone is out to get me.
At first, I thought it was just her forgetfulness... she went to another part of the house and just left the phone near me. It would BEEP, whirl, and whizz at random intervals. This is annoying enough, but the RING is the worst. This phone has some amazing audio and the ringer is turned all the way up, so she can hear it if she leaves it in the next state over (or the basement, whichever is further away). Dead people rise from their eternal slumber when it rings. I can't find it, but I swear the thing has a subwoofer somewhere.
Then I thought about it for a while and wondered if, instead of forgetfulness, it might be passive-aggressive, so she leaves the phone near me because she knows that when it rings, I hit the ceiling. But she's not like that.. she'll jump right up and tell me she hates me instead of dancing around the phone.
I'm sitting there, minding my own business, making all this shit up for the blog, using my ability to type really quickly, with almost 80% inaccuracy, and then the evil thing RINGS. It wakes up the half-deaf dog and I have to pull myself down from the ceiling, or the roof at times. So I asked nicely if she could take the phone with her whenever she walks out of the room. No problem, she said. Unfortunately, she never remembers the phone when she walks out of the room or her promise to take it with her. So I remind her again, with the patience of a kindergarten teacher. She apologizes and walks out of the room without the phone. It is obvious I have lost this war.
Actually she's doing much better. The phone only terrorizes me eight hours a day. I didn't notice it as much as the ceiling, which sent me flowers and told me it missed me. So I'm sitting on the toilet, doing what men do (surfing forporn local news), when I hear RINNNNNNNNG and head up to visit my friend, the ceiling. It requested that next time, I pull my pants up before visiting.
The only possible explanation is that the phone had somehow managed to beam itself to the bathroom, where it laid in wait for me. It waited until I was in the Internet Zone and completely relaxed, before it let out another inhuman blast. I made loud, intense screaming noises, which brought its owner to the vicinity. She suggested I answer it. I suggested she perform an anatomically impossible act.
I haven't slept for four days, for fear of the evil device sneaking onto my bedside table, waiting until I drift off, then RINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG.
Safer Internet Day is February 6.
Who names this stuff?
To celebrate, click on any old link, and send someone your credentials. Extra points for banking login and password.
It's my wife's communicator, Jim. In the 2000s, we call them cell phones.
Through a combination of negligence, volume, and evil, that phone is out to get me.
At first, I thought it was just her forgetfulness... she went to another part of the house and just left the phone near me. It would BEEP, whirl, and whizz at random intervals. This is annoying enough, but the RING is the worst. This phone has some amazing audio and the ringer is turned all the way up, so she can hear it if she leaves it in the next state over (or the basement, whichever is further away). Dead people rise from their eternal slumber when it rings. I can't find it, but I swear the thing has a subwoofer somewhere.
Then I thought about it for a while and wondered if, instead of forgetfulness, it might be passive-aggressive, so she leaves the phone near me because she knows that when it rings, I hit the ceiling. But she's not like that.. she'll jump right up and tell me she hates me instead of dancing around the phone.
I'm sitting there, minding my own business, making all this shit up for the blog, using my ability to type really quickly, with almost 80% inaccuracy, and then the evil thing RINGS. It wakes up the half-deaf dog and I have to pull myself down from the ceiling, or the roof at times. So I asked nicely if she could take the phone with her whenever she walks out of the room. No problem, she said. Unfortunately, she never remembers the phone when she walks out of the room or her promise to take it with her. So I remind her again, with the patience of a kindergarten teacher. She apologizes and walks out of the room without the phone. It is obvious I have lost this war.
Actually she's doing much better. The phone only terrorizes me eight hours a day. I didn't notice it as much as the ceiling, which sent me flowers and told me it missed me. So I'm sitting on the toilet, doing what men do (surfing for
The only possible explanation is that the phone had somehow managed to beam itself to the bathroom, where it laid in wait for me. It waited until I was in the Internet Zone and completely relaxed, before it let out another inhuman blast. I made loud, intense screaming noises, which brought its owner to the vicinity. She suggested I answer it. I suggested she perform an anatomically impossible act.
I haven't slept for four days, for fear of the evil device sneaking onto my bedside table, waiting until I drift off, then RINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG.
- IMPORTANT: since Valentine's Day is coming, Dunkin Donuts is again featuring Brownie Batter donuts (for about 2 weeks). They're heart-shaped, with chocolate frosting on top, and what one could only call brownie batter inside. I don't get paid for this. In fact, I don't even get a damn free donut. But they're that good, so get one before they stop making them til next year.
Safer Internet Day is February 6.
Who names this stuff?
To celebrate, click on any old link, and send someone your credentials. Extra points for banking login and password.
- What online sex toys can teach you about secure coding. This article features the groundbreaking Panty Buster, and is readable by most people.
- What if someone on the internet could take control of your intimate toy?
- On the other hand, what if someone on the internet could take control of your internet toy?
- WARNING: if you're going to test the theory, I'd suggest not wearing them to work.
Nestle will stop producing "Walnut Whips" because the name encourages sexual violence to men. I had to read the article to figure out how the name encourages sexual violence to men. And who could possibly have complained.. perhaps men are taking their cues from Social Justice Warriors. In case you don't want to click on the link, it refers to the practice of a man getting his testicles hit with a riding crop. The pursuit of knowledge is a good thing, but... perhaps this is slightly preferable to getting one's testicles crushed by a high heel, but let's just leave that to the imagination (and the people who enjoy this sort of thing).
- Pope Francis received a 2015 letter from a victim of abuse by a Chilean priest, detailing the abuse. Pope Francis claimed no one came forward.
- It is time to shut down what could be the largest crime syndicate on the planet. From the abusive priests all the way up the line. People should practice their religion but those up top are complicit in this crime (and others).
College Strikes Again!
Once again Campus Reform went on campus, this time to John Jay college in New York City. The students heard quotes they believed were from President Trump's State of the Union address and hated them. They hated them, then they found out they were from President Obama's State of the Union address.
- The next governor of Michigan could be Abdul El-Sayed, a 33-year-old doctor and son of an Egyptian immigrant. A muslim.
- What could possibly go wrong?
Esmond Bradley Martin, investigator of elephant and rhino horn trades and protector, was found stabbed to death in his home in Kenya.
So sad. Someone has to speak for the animals.
What do you suppose he did to piss off the Clintons?
- More powerful than a C-130, two and a half times as fast as a speeding bullet, able to kill, destroy and mutilate foreign countries. Look. Up in the sky! It's a drone. It's a Concorde! It's The Valkyrie II, which will circle the globe in 3 hours or less.
- Because Boeing needs to feed their kids too. With your tax dollars.
Two for the Price of One
Bisphenol A (BPA) is found in plastic containers and water bottles. In use since the 1960s, it mimics the female hormone estrogen (oestrogen if you live in Blighty). This leaves 90% of teenagers with gender-messing chemicals in their bodies. It has been linked to type 2 diabetes and heart disease, as well as declining male fertility. Ok, we could use some declining fertility, but I'm drawing the line at diabetes.
Part 2: More teens are transgender, or identify using terms other than male or female these days. Perhaps they've all been consuming BPA. Perhaps they're full of excrement, buoyed by people in schools and colleges, who think it's ok to punch people if they don't agree with you and that free speech is only free if it agrees with you.
Don't get me wrong: people age 18 or above should be able to do anything they want with their own bodies, assuming they can afford it. But the children in the study were not 18 and some of them have already had surgical procedures. Like alcohol and driving, pick a point where they're capable of making a decision like this and stick with it.
Son: Mom, I have... something to... tell you.
Mom: Oh no. What is it, Son?
Son: Mom, I'm transgendered.
Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you were going to tell me you're gay. By the way, are you sure?
Son: Completely.
Mom: I was just wondering... you being 5 years old and all.....
Personally, I identify as a lobster. Except during lobster season, when I identify as a 1974 Pinto - the one with the exploding gas tank.
- The Guardian is reporting that "every NHS (UK National Health Service) trust assessed for cyber security vulnerabilities has failed to meet the standard required."
- Fortunately that would never happen in the US, especially with electronic health records.
A Department of Homeland Security employee demonstrated the agency's commitment to keeping America safe by sticking his classified what-if anthrax papers in his airplane seat and getting off the plane. The documents are supposed to be shredded, but to be fair to the scientist, it's not like he had a shredder with him.
CNN found the documents and agreed to hold the story until after the Superbowl, scrubbing classified data.
It is not true that we get what we pay for. It is true that we will continue to pay more for it.
Whether or not there is weather...
- Doesn't this just seem to be our year... a false tsunami warning was sent to residents along the East Coast after a private company sent out an alert following a test by the National Weather Service. The NWS tweeted out the correction and stated that it was not sent out by them.
- The tweet to South Carolina was sent by the AccuWeather app; they stated this was a test.
- It either was or wasn't a test... it shouldn't be that difficult to get copies of that tweet, fellas.
- There will be Finger Pointing Meetings for several weeks, until a scapegoat can be appointed, in absentia if necessary.
- New York's Whacky Mayor, Bill DeBlasio, said that a false tsunami warning was better than a false nuclear warning. After leaving office, Bill will pursue his dream gig, as a shock jock.
- Some will say there's no such thing as a coincidence.
- You gotta admit, two in under a month is quite coincidental.
- In the immortal words of rock's bard, Ozzie Osbourne, "Don't ask me - I don't know."
There is a great white shark named George stalking the Everglade waters. I need to know how they know his name is George.
Wanna see my javelin?
- Last year the International Olympics Committee purchased 450,000 condoms for the Rio Olympics. In case you're wondering, the article states that this was enough for each athlete (ath-uh-leet in Philly) to have sex about 42 times. What are those folks eating and doing there? And can we get some? It's amazing they have time to compete, unless their particular games are being scored unofficially.
- In 2012, at the London olympics, they went through 100,000 condoms the first week. Nah, they're obviously blowing them up and putting them on their heads. Or, as we're reading, it may be to protect themselves from the coaches.
It doesn't happen everyday but police were involved in a standoff with a tiger in Scotland. Things got tense but after 45 minutes, some brave soul determined that it was a stuffed tiger. No wonder it didn't growl or look at them or move or anything....
What are today's schoolchildren up to?
- Officials in New York have postponed a Daddy-Daughter Dance because of New York City's gender neutral policy. The reason is that it excluded other genders. No word on how many genders the dance excluded. Later this year, they will drop the term 'freshman' because it connotes gender. Next year they will cease using 'senior'. There's nothing really wrong with the term - they just need something to complain about and this was convenient.
- Social Justice Warriors at yet another New York high school managed to get a production of The Hunchback of Notre Dame shut down after a
crackerhonkywhite cis male landed the lead role. An African-American male quit the project earlier when acrackerhonkybitchwhite cis female got the role of Esmerelda. - The
agitatorsother-than-white privilegestudents wrote a list of demands, saying that, while the young lady cast as Esmeralda was “a stellar actor, singer, and dancer” any production would be “lucky to have,” she couldn’t be cast in this role because she is the “epitome of whiteness.” This is apparently perfectly ok, so long as no one says 'epitome of blackness.' That would be wrong. - In case you were wondering, Victor Hugo said Esmerelda was half Roma and half French. The students were in no mood to deal with this kind of logic and went further on strike.
- The best quote, however, was “Stop the racist and openly stated policy of ‘color blind’ casting.."
- A group of students at Kenyon College made so much noise about a play being racist that the author pulled the play. Not satisfied, the students formed a 'whiteness club', where no white students are allowed to ask minorities questions; white people must try to answer their questions for themselves. And no spreading rumors about what people say during the meetings. Mommmmm.... he's looking at me funny again... Mommmm
- The unemployment rate for these kids will be through the roof. It will be a truly sad time when they realize that the air is different in Real Life<tm>. Their coworkers will not join a hastily-arranged march against the vice president of Human Resources for hiring white males. The coworkers also will not be part of the coalition issuing demands to the Payroll department because they pay whites the same as blacks, calling the practice institutionalized racism. No one else will volunteer to come in on weekends to throw black paint on the walls because they're painted white....
The Philadelphia Police just released footage of suspects looting a gas station following the Eagles' win. They threw food and soda, then created a hole in the back wall. We just don't hear enough feel-good stories about Philadelphians...
Philly's mayor, Jim "Sanctuary City" Kenney, referred to the troublemakers as "the knucklehead contingent" and told them to stay home. A spokesperson for the knucklehead contingent referred to the statement as racist and threatened to turn in all the illegal aliens living in the bunker under Kenney's house.
But don't limit this to Philly - the home of the Patriots' player called Gronk was robbed during the Superbowl. Give them credit - they knew when he wasn't going to be home.
- What did I learn today? I learned that the police do not use wooden horses for people control anymore because people break them and use them to start fires. We are a wondrous, adaptive lot.
So the Australian government sells office furniture off cheap when finished with it. So this fella goes to a thrift store and purchases two file cabinets cheaply, because there are no keys. He drills them open to find two file cabinets of Top Secret Australian documents.
Like any patriot, he calls the press. The paper coordinated with the government, who scrubbed serious information. Sliding right into action, the government is pushing a law making it a criminal offense for the press to publish government secrets if received through unofficial channels.
Absolutely no mention of selling filing cabinets to second hand stores.
Again, be thankful for the First Amendment.
Like any patriot, he calls the press. The paper coordinated with the government, who scrubbed serious information. Sliding right into action, the government is pushing a law making it a criminal offense for the press to publish government secrets if received through unofficial channels.
Absolutely no mention of selling filing cabinets to second hand stores.
Again, be thankful for the First Amendment.
- Yet another unsecured Cloud instance was left unlocked, exposing the personal details of over 12,000 social media stars.
- Later on, we need to have a discussion about Social Media Stars.
- We are a vapid lot.
- The people who put up the cloud instance need to be jettisoned. This is not a failure of The Cloud; it's a failure of humans.
- Headline of the Day: Woman found holding her eyeball outside church
- and I thought circumcision was bad...
Dear Britons: the first modern human in England had dark skin, blue eyes, and long black hair. He died in his early twenties. This has been determined by blue gene sequencing. He was about 5'5" tall and around 10 stone (that's 47 grams squared in American). Three schools in New York referred to the discovery as racist because it was discovered via a white, heterosexual method.
The sample of DNA used for testing came from an incredibly old skeleton, and was found in the ear canal.
The moral here is to keep your ear canals clean, if you want to keep your privacy 10,000 years in the future.
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