A Month of Mondays

Your love is like  asparagus jelly

It's Women's History Month, as work reminded me. These emails are getting through my filters, then I get agitated, then I take it out on you, the readers.

Still no left handed history month 

How, you ask, does one celebrate Women's History Month? Let me count the ways..

1. pray for the next ridiculous month's celebration to come quickly
2. bitch, yell, carp, scream, or complain at somebody, preferably a man
3. talk about window treatments, new furniture, and the perfect flowerpot for that space
4. take 4 times the usual number of minutes (hours) to get ready
5. pretend you didn't notice your shirt is buttoned as low as it is
6. when somebody cuts you off, don't scream at them
7. when asked to take out the trash, tell your spouse not now, you have a headache

Today I identify as  Lieutenant Columbo (deceased)

The Phrases are getting out of hand.

"Game Changer" has to be used at least once every 3 minutes, whether on tv or at work.

"At the end of the day" is quickly catching up.

The only good news is that "it is what it is" is falling out of favor.

We, as Linguistic Police, have a duty to knock this stuff out of the lexicon.

You're going to be shocked. Or maybe not.

But there are now babies born with 3 parents, currently only legal in the UK.

Apparently there are a few ways of doing this, but the easy way is always the best. It involves 3 or more people, a mattress, a donkey, and Alec Baldwin's 'stunt' gun. If one of the persons has a disease, you might want to go via genetic manipulation, which is considerably less fun, even though the donkey is still on the table.  The 3 parent technique could create babies at risk of severe disease.

• So called 'normal' people want some time to figure out what's going on, because they blank out when someone says 'science.'
• Republicans desperately need something in there about killing babies so they can pass a bill against it.
• LGBTQ+1 organizations (the democrats) need something in there about killing babies so they can pass a bill protecting it.
• Religious organizations forbid it because the 3 parents aren't married and can't be married (but send the donkey anyway).
• What about the man in the street? People in the street should get to a sidewalk quickly, lest they become a statistic.

Supreme Court declines to decide whether city-backed prayer vigil violated First Amendment

Of course it did. The clickbait headline neglects to mention that the courts are first deciding whether the 2 plaintiffs have a right to sue. In refusing, it gets kicked back to lower courts to make the determination of standing, then violation.

At issue for the Supreme Court was a more procedural question: Whether the plaintiffs, who attended the rally and alleged they were “aggrieved” by what they saw, were injured enough to meet the threshold for suing.

Huh? I don't believe you need to be a certain degree of 'aggrieved' to sue. A violation is a violation. I'll be back with more Backseat Legal Driving next week. The Supreme Court is moving to the side of religion lately. This issue needs to be monitored- it affects all of us.

Scientists have mapped a secret hidden corridor in Great Pyramid of Giza

Ancient Astronaut Theorists say this is proof that the pyramids were constructed by aliens because the Egyptians didn't have the technology or ability to build a corridor.

Regular Old Theorists say this points to there bring a big hole in the pyramid.

Archaeologists say they're pissed because they can't even get permission to look at the pyramid.

The dog was chewing on something. Upon closer inspection, she had brought in a mouse. Or most of a mouse. Instead of dropping it on her mommy as a present, she decided it was too tasty to give away. After a brief but loud discussion, I was elected to remove it (or what was left of it). Part of me is revulsed, the other part proud. I will keep this in mind later, when she starts to lick my pillow.

Biden FCC nominee withdraws, blaming cable lobby and “unlimited dark money“

• Oh yeah, she's also a lesbian. This fact made a certain political party very upset. I won't mention which one. Much mud was thrown at her.
• I remember the 2016 elections. The Log Cabin Republicans were a group of gay people voting republican. The R-tent looked very inclusive back then. Apparently the tent shrunk in the wash, only leaving room for certain republicans.
• Nobody mentioned Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg.

Spokespersons for both parties preferred to emphasize the positive: they are in complete agreement with each other in many areas: higher salaries, larger government, less rights, and higher taxes.

Wife, returning from whatever it is she does in the morning, asked what I wanted for breakfast.

Apparently she didn't take me seriously when I said malt, bacon burger, or barbecue. After all these years, she still doesn't know when to take me seriously. I'll probably wind up with one of those disgusting breakfast things. The convenience store has Breakfast Burritos. Burritos are my favorite Mexican food, but Breakfast Burritos have things like eggs and sausage in them. Who eats this stuff in the morning? Or at all? Then I reminded her we probably still have Breakfast Burritos from last week. If we do, they're a lovely shade of blue and furry now. I suggested an egg, cheese, bacon sandwich, hold the egg and cheese, but she doesn't remember too good, so it's always a surprise; usually not in my favor. As least I can count on a Coke (unless Supply Chain Difficulties stopped all Coke products from showing up. Again). 

There are certain foods that are foreign to me because my mom didn't make them. Sausage is one. It's ok, as I really don't like it. I remember having the best popcorn of my life once, at a friend's house. After a bit of intensive detective work, it was discovered that Friend used butter, while Mom used margarine on our popcorn. We solved it amicably, by promising not to call Child Services if she used butter in the future. Have I mentioned we were complete bastards? Nothing changed.

Another thing that really threw me for a loop was people getting burgers with mayonnaise. No sane person where I grew up put mayo on burgers. Whenever we left the area, I had to specify NO MAYO on burgers. It was counter-intuitive.  When I forgot, I had to give the burger to my brother, who hated mayo on burgers too, but I was the bigger brother and would maim counsel him if he did not follow my orders instructions.

Speaking of instructions, we went food shopping last night, reminding my why food shopping is not one of my chores. I will gladly do dishes and haul service elephant poop out of the living room, so long as I don't have to go food shopping. First of all, we have to make sure it's not more than the mortgage payment. I noticed the dog eats better than we do, especially treats. Her treats are more numerous and healthy than anything we eat. And more expensive. This is because there are more stringent regulations for pet food than human food. This is counterproductive, because if we die first, who will buy treats for the dog?

Never ask 2 people with little to no memory to go to the meat counter. Since there were only 2 people behind the counter and 2 people in front of the counter, they were completely jammed up. One was on strike and the other involved in deep conversation with the good looking blonde next to us. We noticed that nobody was actually slicing anything, so we used the electronic order thingie to order and we'd pick it up later in our trip. Hopefully the guy allegedly slicing the meat would be done with the blonde by that time, assuming a brunette hadn't shown up later. Later at home, Wife asked if I put the meat away. No I didn't, largely because neither of us remembered to go back to the meat counter to get our already-sliced order.  Damned if we do, hungry if we don't. Next time we go shopping with an adult.

No blog entry would be complete without news of Tesla.

Last week it was rear seats turning into ejector seats. Like there's something wrong with that.

This week it's steering wheels falling off. This is a particularly good one. I wonder if you hit autodrive when the steering wheel falls off or just panic and scream your head off.

• There's a Tesla down the street.  Every time I pass it I laugh and think of posting updates on it. I'd tape them to the windshield, but I'd be afraid it would fall out or spontaneously combust.

But we're not done with Elon Musk yet. The EU told him to hire more staff to moderate Twitter.

I'm not sure why his business is any of the EU's business and highly encourage Elon to troll the hell out of them on Twitter. Perhaps he can encourage the EU to fund their demand.

A place to exercise your brain? Introducing mental health gyms

Yeah, we've run out of good and even marginally bad ideas. Now we're beneath the bottom of the barrel. Mental health gyms? It's not polite to poke fun at people with issues, especially considering my entire house has issues, including the dog. But you're reading ThermionicEmissions, where we poke at everything. Besides, what do you suppose you do at a mental health gym?

• Parietal lobe push-ups
• Cerebral Cortex chin-ups
• Frontal lobe fscking around
• Basal ganglia boxing
• Brain Stem Boogie -cool down

Volkswagen took some heat last month, when they were asked to track a car by the police. Volkswagen told the fuzz that they wouldn't track nothin' till somebody paid the bill to reactivate the 'connected car service.'

Volkswagen is very sorry  they got caught and says it will never happen again they will not get caught a second time. The service has been made free so they won't get caught again. They are testing implants that let the police know what the driver and passengers are thinking. At this point, the implants are rectal, so when the state makes them mandatory, the driver can tell them to stick it up their ass.

It's International Women's Day. Or it was International Women's Day.

It comes in the middle of Women's History Month.

I dunno.... it looks to me like the people who come up with this crap are all female.

Every day is Women's Day. We love them. We worship them. They demand it.

It was just Valentine's Day. I never get a thing on V-day. Not so much as a piece of candy. It's all about the women. Roses increase from $12/dozen to $75/dozen. If you have a penis, you had better be prepared to bring the goods, whether flowers, candy, dinner, jewelry, or new cars. Maybe a yacht or a small office building. Perhaps a reversal of your vasectomy. Perhaps a vasectomy. You never see women rushing all over stores, worried and upset they can't find the perfect V-Day gift for their husband(s). 

So it's Valentine's Day, International Women's Day, Women's History Month, Do as you're told year, and She Who Must Be Obeyed life. It carries you from birth to death, which may be hastened by failure to observe any of these mandatory holidays. 

Mrs. lefty specifies there will be no presents on V-Day (not just for me). She forgets to balk when the flowers show up. 

Drunk Blogging

 

Your love is like  buying a social media site called Twatter

On the bright side, we've gone a long way toward solving the Laundry Issue. We just found a bunch of missing wash, in missing baskets. For some reason, perhaps they were scared, they moved into the dining room. It was obvious why we never saw them: they were behind the arc welder.

Today I identify as  Alex Jones - the only person Elon Musk refuses to let back on Twitter. At least Musk is pro free speech. Musk did a poll as to whether Trump should be allowed back, and the answer was yes. I'm shocked.

As if the laptop saga weren't enough, my phone experienced a bit of nostalgia the other day.  I know some people who never escaped Woodstock and some people who never escaped a war. My phone told me I had nothing going on. This is unprecedented, as I always have highly important, sometimes secret things, like my nephew's cello concert. Oops. After some looking around, I discovered my phone had never escaped April 4th, 2003. This is not a significant date, at least for me (and Woodstock non-escapees). In fact,. I can't figure out a way to set the phone to that date and make it stay that way. We just went to Daylight Savings Time and your phone made the adjustment automatically (leaving the rest of your house an hour off). How could this be? Am I in a temporal disturbance? I checked my car and job, which were all current, so I stared a bit and checked the liquor bottles.  Also current, and with some left. 

For lack of any other idea, I turned it off and on again. It worked. I should be surprised, but I'm not. Why wouldn't my phone set itself to a random date? It happens all the time, doesn't it? It doesn't? Oh. 

I'm starting to think there are other entities at play. I don't have any chickens to sacrifice, piles of money to burn, dolls with pins, bibles, holy water, or much else of religious significance, aside from a bunch of commemorative Jimi Hendrix stamps. Do I need to hire people in uniforms to come in and say stuff inside the house?

If you could see me now, I look like a large black cloud, with thunderbolts shooting out, and a really strange, Thor-like creature in the middle. With a very stylish, black, left handed Stratocaster.

HOLD THE PRESSES 

Since we're approaching the holidays, you can now buy white chocolate covered Oreos. Drop what you're doing and get out to the store with the least Supply Chain Issues and pick up whatever you can afford. Trust me.

Week's best pr0n title: She Blew Out Your Can  (?)

Week's worst pr0n concept: My Big Fat 600lb Sex Life

Trump is in for the 2024 election.

Everybody is shocked.

Going strictly on history, here is my prediction: Democrats, trying their damnedest to put up mediocre to bad candidates, will continue to run Biden, because apparently he hasn't done enough damage (yet). His slogan will be "Giving away your money for free stuff!" The Democratic National Convention will serve only toast, because no one can afford much else. Trump supporters will burst into the Republican convention and burn Biden in effigy. The convention will be very cold, as no one can afford heating. The libertarian candidate will remain a secret until one month before the election. It won't matter, because he or she will only get 1% of the vote, even with some of the most idiotic candidates in the history of the country running in opposition.  There will be accurate claims of vote stealing, which will be dismissed as conspiracy theory. Video of trucks hauling votes to burning facilities will be all over YouTube, before they're banned as disinformation.

About Biden running: I wish he'd start running now. Don't fret, he'll only be 80; plenty of time for whatever's left to dissipate (as well as his ratings).

The people, in their gross ignorance, will again prove their gross ignorance by causing another 50/50 split in the results. They enjoy doing the same thing every time, hoping the outcome will be different this time. While this is traditionally the description of insanity, it has also become the definition of American voting. Furthering the proof of the midterm elections, Democrats will largely win, because people are largely stupid. Republicans will win some smaller elections, proving that their people are largely stupid too. The stupidity of republican voters matches the stupidity of republican politicians, especially where the election-losing policy against abortion rules the land. Don't let them fool you - it's 2 sides of 1 warped coin.

While you were touching yourself watching The Masked Furry, the world population hit 8 billion. While I would never suggest Bill Gates was right (about anything), perhaps we're overpopulating the place. If nothing else, we're making a hell of a mess out of it.

Another cryptocurrency exchange went bust (FTX), owing money to over a million people. 

Crypto was a tremendous idea. I watched closely. Then I watched insiders flee with assets and hacks. I watched currencies fail and fall. I just couldn't see getting involved, with that much to lose. Instead my 401k plays the stock market, where there's even more to lose, just as there always has been.  I TOLD YOU SO. Considering (I think) I'm always right, you'd think I could make something from that. Alas, no.

Many interesting things happen at Thermionic Manor. Daily.

Having settled my upcoming days off, I said I have to give the list to Wife.

This morning I'm awakened at the glorious day off time of 7:30.

Did you put air in the tires?

[grumble, think] fzsnitzness

Huh?

No.

I have to go to the doctor and can't bend to do it.

I know. My fault.

Good thing it was my first vacation day off.

I began the process of Not Going Back to Sleep. This can take up to an hour, involving trash cans, an incredibly happy spaniel licking my forehead, thinking about chocolate, and a nagging internal voice, demanding I do something... all combined with the most powerful force on earth: guilt. I was readily aided by someone outside doing... something... that alternated between slamming something into metal and launching tires with a trebuchet. Bless my neighbors - they have a noise for everything.

I can't tell you how I did it, but I found myself out of bed and even dressed.

She looked at me with one of her 157 patented Strange Looks. She went on to tell me she had canceled her appointment, so all was well, just go back to sleep like I didn't wake you on your vacation day and you didn't spend half an hour winching yourself from the bed, semi-awake. And by the way, aren't you supposed to be working at this time?

I'M ON VACATION!

It was at this point I said to myself that if this is what vacation was going to look like, I would forfeit my 20 days. Give em to somebody more deserving. Somebody single.

And hurry up with giving Wife a copy of my days off.

• Because it's a week after Veterans Day and not a holiday, there are fireworks outside.

Up I get, 9:00 on a Saturday, because... you guessed it.... air in the tires.

The only place around is a gas station. The machine takes only quarters, to dispense what you breathe freely, which is just a single one of today's ironies.  The machine instructs you to put the quarters in slowly, probably so it can feel the satisfaction from each quarter.. pure profit. Notably, there are 2 metal poles in front of the machine, as well as its sister, the car vacuum. I'll bet there's a funny story there. 

A car vacuum? What a concept.

I can't see much use in that. It would be admitting that your car gets dirty, and I just don't want to go there. We're driving a really nice car, which simply doesn't get dirty. Dusty, but not dirty. So there's nothing to vacuum.

Ah, but there is. Cars seem to attract trash. Cigarette packs (no idea whose), candy wrappers, condom wrappers (no idea whose), and 5lbs of paper you have to take off the straw before you use it. Do you have any idea how much of that paper it takes to make up 5libs? It actually rides in the back seat, occasionally hinting for a bigger car and a seatbelt extender.

So, at 9am, I pull into the station. And at 9am, there's already some guy using it. I managed to laugh slightly, as only 1 person in line before me is a very small number. 5 is closer to normal. I pull up close, so the fellow knows somebody's next. To be honest, I pull up, hoping against hope it will speed his airing up. Naturally it didn't. I have my rearview mirror set so I can watch to see if he leaves. I spend a lot of time looking at it. This guy apparently needs some serious air. Either that or he's letting the summer air out of his tires and replacing it with winter air. He had a truck, but it only had 4 tires, so that didn't explain his lack of hurry.

Meanwhile, I took the time to push all the buttons in the car that I can't push when I'm driving. Well, that I shouldn't push when I'm driving. Just in case I was worried, it showed me a little car with numbers for each tire, and whether that was low or not. The low ones flashed red. Somebody got paid a lot of money to design this. I liked it, as I'm easily amused, especially by blinky lights. Looking up again, I saw Skippy the Truck Driver hang the hose up on the machine. I sighed with relief. Unfortunately I sighed too soon: Skippy had a lot more to do. I thought since he still had time left on his quarters that he was maybe inhaling the air. Checking that his tires were still round. Walking around the truck, admiring its lines. Looking to see if there were any new scratches (he has every one of the 141 scratches notated in his Scratch Database). It's about 32 degrees out, which is coincidentally the pressure required in my tires. I figure no one wants to assess the exterior of his vehicle in this weather, but I was wrong. The expensive system for telling me which tire is low does everything but indicate what normal is. This quickly becomes a research project. Rather than squat, I figure I'll check the manual. The car is the only thing on Earth that still comes with a manual. And if the manual were in the car, I'd probably have an answer. The 2nd question was WHY was the manual not in the car. The possible answer was there was no room left in the glovebox, after the actual gloves, aspirin, condoms (again?), and that bangy tool that can break your window in an emergency. How you get to it in a frozen car is beyond me. The 3rd question is why is there a need to examine the manual elsewhere? Is it homework from Hyundai? Will there be a quiz?  How many miles should there be between oil changes? Do I have to stay after class again?

Finally Skippy drives off, completely satisfied, re-aired, and smug, with a fine day's work done. He was probably going home to sleep, where I should have been at 9am. Not at his house - at mine. He wasn't my type, being a guy and all. I wish he had stayed to watch a Real Man put air in his tires. There is 1 way you can find out if we've had the car for more than a month: if there are no screw-off caps on the air stems. We had exactly 2, of different types, which tells us the car is 2 years old. Now if Wife cannot bend well and I am meticulous about putting the caps back on, where did they go? I'll bet the *$&#ers who held the car for ransom stole them. They probably had to mail them to the state, to prove something or other, for which we'd be fined a 2nd time.

My entire operation lasted under 5 minutes (6 kilograms Canadian). The only problem was that either the hose or my car's expensive display system was miscalibrated: I filled it to 32, and the display said 31. This is an OUTRAGE. Someone will feel the sting of my keyboard! Where are Standards and Measures? They calibrate the pumps and they get that little sticker. Why not the air? Miscalibration could lead to all sorts of driving issues, even a crash. Your left side could be higher that your right, which is the wrong way to go if you're looking for that jumping up and down thing that the real lunatics want. Lastly, the guages did not change. I was beside myself, until Wife explained that the car needs to be on the road for a few miles before it read correctly and the alarms ceased their flashing and screeching. 

What have we learned?

1. do NOT get up at 9am for anything (except that)
2. acquire one of those portable compressors that run off the cigarette lighter. It won't save you from having to put air in the tires, but you don't have to drive anywhere and wait behind the Skippies to do it.
3. know thine air pressure. commit it to memory. it's much easier than remembering your wedding anniversary.

Oh yeah, 9 in the morning.

I'm in the bathroom, doing bathroom things, when there's a question from Wife. Wife talks regardless of where I am or what I'm doing. 

"Do you have $20 so I don't have to go to the machine?"

Uhhhh...... not on me. I don't have clothes on me.

Oh, because I have to go to my sister's then the convenience store then...

If you could stop talking in paragraphs and please let me get on with the bathroom things.....

In my sock drawer is a bottle of A+W Root Beer, just sticking up from the drawer. I asked Wife, who just stared at me and said, "I don't know."

This is by far not the strangest thing that has happened this morning.

I know you're saying to yourself that you'd understand a Coke or 7up, but A+W is pretty serious. And you'd be correct. But I'm learning to pick my battles, so I'll leave this and wait for whatever greets me later in the day. It will definitely be weirder and more challenging, possibly involving 4 hours of fighting and 2 hours of apologizing. Why just the other day I had the temerity to suggest we use the chair for our butts, as opposed to the brand new Leaf Eviscerator 2000 and Barbies. You'd have thought I said something about her mother and tweeted it to Elon Musk. We observed the required 12 hours of silence.

please excuse the lack of hilarious and thought-provoking memes, but they're all on one of the fallen machines.

Somebody is Drugging my Emotional Support Elephant

 

Your love is like blue cheese that started out yellow, then turned blue

It's the little things. They pile up. They gang up. They multiply.

Until they fscking eat you.

Today I identify as a 2nd grader, fighting my parents, who keep telling me I'm transexual.

Seen in your inbox: The meeting on effective scheduling of meetings has been postponed.

Laundry 

Around about 2 weeks ago, I put my winter blanket in the dryer. As we know, I have night terrors over operating the washer and sometimes the dryer. After drying, I assumed, foolishly, it would somehow make it to the actual bed. I mentioned it was foolish, right? While the wash process was happening, a different blanket appeared on the bed. Wife put it there (I hope). The blanket is not just heavy, it can protect you during arctic expeditions. I do Weird Stuff in my sleep, but to the best of my knowledge, I do not have arctic expeditions. I don't even go as far as North Dakota. So although the blanket is very comfortable, I sweat in my sleep. I can't remember if sweat is supposed to be full of manly hormones to attract women (or my wife) or it just makes me smell. Out of an abundance of caution, I asked for my original blanket, which doesn't make me sweat (or make me attractive to anyone). 

Have you seen my blanket?

It's in transit.

This could be the single silliest thing I've heard about how things happen in the Thermionic Mansion. In transit? Does it get loaded into the semi and get hauled to the bedroom? I could imagine it would have to be signed for at every stop, like Fedex, because I would dearly like to track it. I wonder if she has one of those cute little tablets with all the tracking info on it. I wonder how much it cost me. Is there a url I can check to track it? I didn't get a tracking number, which is how the system will get out of actually giving me the tracking information.  Was it Linus that always carried his blanket around? Well I don't carry it, but I really like it on my bed. I know I'm being unreasonable, but if she asked, I'd have carried it up the steps to avoid it being eaten In Transit. Must be with the missing dark wash. Tomorrow it's socks, so I'm prepared not to see them again for weeks.

For Halloween, Army base Fort Sill loaded up and fired its High Mobility Artillery Rocket System (HIMARS) full of candy. Over 275 children were killed or injured. Or both.

Halloween was rough this year. Due to Supply Chain Issues, we had to give out the smaller candy bars (and I had to keep my hands out of the bag). Neighbors walked by and talked to each other about my  scary costume (I wasn't wearing one). Other neighbors stopped to tell me they thought I didn't live there anymore because they never see me. Mrs. lefty was welcomed, as always. A 'Halloween tree' appeared on the lawn (so long as I don't have to mow it, I don't care). I begged to be let out of Candy Distributing Duties, but alas... The scariest costume was Joe Biden. He had to keep being pointed to wherever he was going by the Secret Service costumes. My neighbor came up with the greatest costume ever: a vaccination. There was an awesome green alien. I asked the kid if he wasn't supposed to be gray. Perhaps that was over his head. Perhaps I shouldn't be allowed to interact with children. 

Since we are where we are, it rained for a good portion of Candy Day (the only holiday endorsed by the American Dental Association). Smart Wife bought chocolate candy I don't like, so it will stay around a while. I have never seen so many nice people before. The same people who would stab you in the back were wishing us a Happy Halloween and thanking us for the candy. I must live in a good neighborhood (in spite of me) because I never recognize any of the kids; they are dropped off.

Smartphones "have made it easier than ever to avoid interacting with the people in our immediate environment

Can't argue. Wouldn't want to. 

Besides.. if you wanted to interact, you could text them.

UC Berkeley is in the news again, this time because of an IRS audit. The IRS wants to know, given 3,000 students, why there are 5,000 listed Jew/intolerance monitor deductions. They say the math doesn't add up. UC Berkeley will allow the fascist invasion of their books, but not if the examiners are Jewish. If so, they will not be allowed on campus.

After monitoring this blog for a month, UC Berkeley decided it needs to start picking on a different group, because 'the Jew thing' has gotten too much mileage here. They're debating on which group is next; Christians, astronauts, pregnant women, waste processors, or pregnant men. If you try to point out that men cannot get pregnant, YOU will not be allowed on campus. 

What are the evolutionary origins of nose picking?

Fifty bucks the Smails kid eats it.

What are the evolutionary origins of ass grabbing? Ball scratching? Michael Jackson? 

We're getting to that time of year. The time where I check my Use or Lose vacation time and realize I should have started taking off already and will basically not be working the month of December. I'm trying to take it easy on my coworkers, because this year most of them know my name. They are likely to be upset if I take too much time off because it will force them to speak up in meetings and answer actual questions. Some have volunteered to pay my vacation days if I still come in. It's not that I'm any smarter than they are (I am); they just don't speak up. Ever. With 15 people in a meeting, it always sounds like the boss is having a conversation with me.

I was replacing a part in a server yesterday when I saw something. I had to shake my head and rub my eyes to make sure I was getting correct information. In our server room, there was an actual woman, of the female persuasion. This was unprecedented. In my entire time at this job, I have never seen a woman in the server room. This has nothing to do with gender or hiring - it's just that I have never seen one. I have also never seen a Corvette or gila monster in the server room and I would have been almost as surprised. We have women and minorities out the wazoo, it's truly a diverse environment. Just not in the server room. Attractive IT women are like ugly Victoria's models.

Now, lets get down to the nitty gritty: not only was she female, she was very attractive, made almost to my exact specifications. This sort of thing just doesn't happen. She asked a few questions, so I spent another minute or two with her. Sigh. It appears that I'll be going into the office a lot more in the next few months. But then I went back to my car and remembered my wife's strict No Dating policy. Sometimes she's most unreasonable.

After the fully-vaccinated head of the CDC got the Flying AIDS, it returned. 

But by all means, get the shots. Do your patriotic duty. If not, do your duty to Pfizer's shareholders.

• CostCo ran out of Halloween candy
• It was a great secret, kept from 99% of their employees. We asked where the candy was, and they had no idea. Normally this could be explained by Product Shifting. After they close, everything in the store is moved around, so even the most frequent shoppers can't find it next time. The product shifter is a real sadist, putting the cases of soda all the way at the rear of the store.
• I am told we got Rice Krispies treats. They're much harder to 'modify' than the candy. Now with the flus and Flying AIDS variant Q, the hospitals are full and unable to xray the candy for the kids. What have we come to as a society?

Moon has been drifting away from Earth for 2.4 billion years, rocks reveal

This must explain Trump's Space Force. They were formed to drag the ungrateful bastard satellite back into its proper orbit. Get ready - I think this is going to cost us a LOT of money.....

SHTF at Twitter after Elon Musk purchased it. He sent executives packing, will reinstate Trump's account, and says the blue check might cost monthly. COST will be a fun thing to watch. The whole thing will be fun. Since Big Tech is controlling the narrative, maybe this will be a break for speech and opinions. It will be interesting to watch him start fires without batteries....

Comcast, one of the greediest companies on the planet, wants to raise prices, again, because they're not getting enough new business. I've had Comcast since day one, for something like $25. I don't expect to pay that little today, but it's gotten out of hand. They claim the average customer pays $136, which doesn't sound right to me. There are special plans for low-income people. I don't even use tv and shouldn't be paying that much. I'm sure the fees and taxes are ridiculous too, but I can't even get one of my state senators to respond to me, yet he wants my vote. Don't forget Amazon and Google for the Greedy-Fest.

New neighbor has a leaf blower. New neighbor is home during the day. Therefore new neighbor uses leaf blower during the day. First time today. Therefore exactly when my work meeting started. What new neighbor doesn't know is that *I* have a leaf blower too. I would not stoop so low as to use it, but I will spend some amount of time tuning it to be LOUDER. It's probably electric (probably because I spend no time with it at all and simply take Wife's word that we have one) but I will find out whatever engineering the manufacturer did to keep it quiet and reverse each and every bit of it. I know we're all going electric, but maybe there's an electric to gas conversion kit somewhere, on a back shelf. We could go with gas, then I'd 'forget' to install the muffler. If I spent as much time doing as I did plotting...

One of the frequent arguments against a government agency that studies UFOs is that it would leak. Consider the Stealth airplanes. They were made in absolute silence and the public did not know about them for 15 or so years, when they saw them fly. And The Bomb - the public knew nothing of it. Coincidentally, one of the bomb-handling sites was Roswell Army Air Force Base: there was no separate air force at that time. Yes, the government can keep a secret. 

Now that the jury was dismissed, I thought Darrell Brooks, of the Waukesha SUV murders, should waive the penalty phase and go with a good, old-fashioned ranking with the judge. The judge has been over patient with his antics, so she might be up for it...

Mr. Brooks, are you ready?

Your Honor... your mom's so ugly, politicians won't shake her hand.

Mr. Brooks, you have the legal talent of a dead squirrel.

Your Honor... both your parents are blonde - did your mom screw a skunk?

Mr. Brooks, go ahead and claim Darrell Brooks isn't your name. Were you hatched?

Your Honor - You so ugly, your parents didn't touch you til you were 5.

Mr. Brooks - Yo mama is so loose, you probably had many uncles.

Your Honor - you need to go back to school to learn how to rank. I'll plead guilty.

I was watching the news and a suspect was picked up in a 5 year old murder of two teen girls. They were out walking, there was no cell signal, and they were killed. I wonder if their parents could sue their cell carrier, along with everyone else involved. Cell carriers should be held responsible for their alleged service, or lack of thereof. We must pay our bills in full every month, no matter how horrid the service. My text messages now take up to 24 hours to reach my wife. Tell me that shouldn't have been solved by now. Our condolences to the parents, relatives, and friends. The saddest thing in the world is burying a child.

• Scientists invented a quantum watch. This way, it can be 1:00 and 2:33.

If you shop on Ebay, Amazon, or anywhere else online, check your privacy settings. Not that you wouldn't anyway. The companies will get your preferences and personal info, but you need to make your purchases private, lest some of those items come back and get you. I had a buddy tease me because I bought Eeyore items, including underwear, for Wife. If he ever found out I bought that dual-headed... hammer, I'd never live it down. Although it sounds like my friend needs a real hobby.

UC Berkeley is prepared to strike, pending the decision on whether or not Eeyore is Jewish.

Hey lady... yeah, you... I'm glad you took your health in hand and started jogging - good for you. You should try it on the sidewalk, not the street. Street for cars, sidewalk for joggers. Because if you got in the way of my car, I would somehow be responsible for your injuries.

You really need to keep up on local politics. Here's an example: we have a road that is always a mess. The road got fixed, and now we have a bicycle path too. Why do we need a bicycle path? The road narrows for the bicycle path. This creates a dangerous situation for the bicyclists. This is getting ridiculous, especially as these are highly congested areas. Although you have to thank bicycle manufacturers for using much lighter materials, so they fly farther when you hit them. 

Oh Lord, please deliver us

Provide us with a tracking number, 

and keep us out of the hands of the USPS.

Absolutely Thinking About Getting Around to Doing Something About the Lawn

Your love is like  marijuana edibles without the marijuana

• Australia has mandatory voting. Some French said they didn't vote because nothing will change. The US stays home, watching Americans Idle and the new Kardashians show. Ultimately, only the French are correct.

Today I identify as  a chest of drawers

Yes, it's that time again. Time when the repeated rains (Hello, London!) cause certain grass to grow. And by certain grass, I mean mine. It might not even be grass, but it's green and it grows and I have to mow it. It grows in clumps, as does most of my yard. It grows mainly in front, so I can share the view of unmowed grass with my neighbors, who hopefully know of my trauma and PTSD around lawnmowers. Nobody knows where from the trauma comes... perhaps I was bitten by a lawnmower when I was little. The doctors can't tell. Wife says it's weeds and we have to put some chemicals on them so just the grass will grow and I don't have to cut it every few minutes. Well.... wife..... get out the ($&# chemicals. You're not making this any easier on me. But then again, that may be the definition of wife.

• Stone Age people may have gathered at night to watch animated “fireside art”
• The Masked Furry would not go into production for a few thousand years...

Efforts to ban books jumped an 'unprecedented' four-fold in 2021, ALA report says

Book banning efforts are inspiring readers to form banned book clubs

C'mon people - it's 2022 - can we do away with the pitchforks and torches?

No.

Every Teen in the US Can Now Get Free Access to Banned Books

How Democracies Spy on Their Citizens

Please read this - knowledge is good  

WINNING!

Army of worm larvae hatch from man’s bum, visibly slither under his skin

It's great that 'magazines' review cars, for obvious reasons. However, I really don't understand why somebody reviewed the new electric Fedex truck. First they mention the 'infotainment' system. Why do delivery drivers need more than a radio? I can't imagine the bosses approving this. Then they mention certain areas being spartan. IT'S A DELIVERY TRUCK, STUPID. It's not the latest Porch SUV or a Lamborghini. More from the review....

• It has four tires. They are very effective at sticking to the road, and as part of the peppy electrical drive system.
• It does not have the VOOM that the Mercedes SUV has.
• the ride suffers when compared to a Cadillac
• room for 12, but only one seat
• surprising amount of room for cargo

Flying AIDS News 

By way of observation, when I've been out, there are very few masks.

Cases of rare vulvar ulcers have been diagnosed in adolescent girls after 2nd dose of Pfizer mRNA vaccine

Mysterious outbreak of hepatitis in children grows, first death reported

Fauci confirms parents’ nightmare: FDA may delay COVID vaccines for kids under 5

Beijing kicks off mass testing after spike in Covid cases

Bill Gates Gives TED Talk Proposing New Global Team to Quickly Prevent Epidemics 

Two words should always make you wary: Bill and Gates. He is not here to help us.

When Tom Justice failed to make the Olympics he decided to use his cycling skills to rob banks instead. 

Now this is the kind of feel-good Olympic story we need!

Presidential Hijinks

Boris Johnson is fighting claims of misogyny.

I told you he was England's Trump 

France's Emmanuel Macron said he's "the president of all."

This will probably come as a surprise to all the other presidents - they're probably humoring him, like Biden.

In certain species of spiders, after insemination, the female eats the male.

This has direct parallels to humans, only it happens painfully slowly, over years.

Sometimes it's so slow, the male doesn't realize it and staunchly denies it to the other males.

Wife is talking back to the tv today. Overheard:

Don't give it to her - she'll use it against you. Women are evil.  

• Google’s AI-Powered ‘Inclusive Warnings’ Feature Is Very Broken
• A feature rolling out this month uses algorithms to suggest edits in Google Docs, but falls into the same bias traps it’s trying to prevent.
• Errr.. why does anyone need their word processor to warn them when their language is not inclusive? Another case of the small diameter squeaky wheel getting the attention. 

The US Is Sending Ukraine a New Type of ‘Suicide’ Drone

Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster (and Grumman). Although we're not going boots on the ground, we're still spending/sending millions in killing technology their way. Although the tech is expensive, it won't develop PTSD and be subject to the VA because it's not returning. So although this doesn't look like Endless War, it still is. In fact, no one can track what we sent to Ukraine. I'm sure the next 'war' is already planned and is heating up.

Elon Musk 

What do you do after you put together $42 billion to buy Twitter?

Watch an Autopiloted Tesla Crash Into a Multimillion-Dollar Jet

It's not like the technology is Not Ready for Prime Time, like I said repeatedly, but it's Not Ready for Prime Time. 

I haven't read anything on it, but I can just feel insurance companies hiring lawyers and ramping up for autopilot.

Speaking of Twitter, it's hilarious to see heads exploding, from staff to users. "OMG - he will allow people to say stuff we don't like!"

I reserve judgment.

Viola Davis responded to critics of her Michelle Obama portrayal

People complained because she pursed her lips too much.

Others complained about her erection.

Seriously? Were her nails not the right length? Teeth not bright enough?

There must be something in the water. Or people need stuff to do.

Finance 

Two 9volt batteries are $10.

Gas went nuts, Exxon showed massive profits, Congress went nuts (redundant, I know), gas went down a bit.

I can't wait to see what happens to prices when this is over. Will they go down to pre-Flying AIDS levels?

Deppaholics 

America (at least) has gone nuts over the Depp/Heard trial.

I'm not a lawyer. I have seen brief snatches of it, so I can't say much.

However, today there was a (smokin' hot) psychologist on the stand, and a Court TV banner that said Heard was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. This is my wheelhouse, having a wife with that diagnosis. Observations:

• MPD is now referred to as Dissociative Identity Disorder, and has been for quite a while. The banner was just there for an exciting headline.
• The MMPI test is a good start for diagnosing DID
• You are not likely to walk in, examine the patient, and come away with a diagnosis of DID unless the person is faking. It *can* take quite a while, provided the therapist believes DID is a legitimate diagnosis. Some are still in the Dark Ages.
• The term 'personality disorder' was being thrown around a lot. Multiple Personality Disorder is not in the category of personality disorders, believe it or not.
• I called it before the psychologist did: Borderline Personality Disorder. This diagnosis would cover Heard's alleged volatility and odd behavior. Again, I don't know too much about her and BPD was a decent guess.

When watching trials, you start to realize how lonnnnng and drawn out they are. 

They ask some of the most interesting questions:

• What were you wearing on the first day of your job, twenty years ago?
• Did you have any previous school experience when you started college?
• Have you ever seen your mother naked?
• Have you ever seen your parents 'do it'?
• Where were you, Sir, at the moment of your birth?
• Were you bottle or breast-fed? And don't tell me you don't know.
• Have you ever been to a Turkish prison?
• When was the first time you dressed as a woman, ma'am?
• Did you, in fact, have a cat that you referred to as Dog?
• How long have you been an adolescent, son?

Gag Reflex Not Helpful - Please Try Again

 Your love is like  food poisoning

ThermionicEmissions tries to bring helpful information to everyone. 

If you're going to 'play' with candy canes, do not plug them into the female genital interface. The sugar upsets the delicate chemical balance. It's already a deep, dark mystery in there, so don't complicate things.

Seasons Greetings

• NOTE: if you're in IT and adopting the Zero Trust model, it does not apply to your boss.

Today I identify as  a girl scout, at the girl scout jamboree. If you say otherwise, I'll sue and shut the entire organization down. And you'll be canceled.

This week is also the anniversary of Pearl Harbor, when the Ethiopians bombed Eritrea and blamed it on England. This resulted in the bombing of Japan, cuz why not? It laid the groundwork for all future attacks on oil-rich countries starting with "I".

• hate exercise? don't like getting out of bed? think jogging causes heart attacks?
• the UNFitBit ignores your heart rate, instead showing pictures of ice cream, fudge, and brownies. 
• you can alternate with 100 sets of high fat foods. you can even set it to random!
• when you're stuffed, it shuts off
• No data sent to any servers.    
• Pick up UNFitBit at stores near you. Better yet, order online - walking is hard.

Flying AIDS News   

Italian Man Tries To Avoid Getting COVID Jab With Fake Silicone Arm

Judge blocks Biden vaccine rule, citing “liberty interests of the unvaccinated”

More omicron detected as hospitals strain under delta surge

Omicron variant may be less dangerous than delta, US health officials say

NYC has mandated vaccine passports for 5-11 year olds to enter places of public accommodation.

Belgian police used water cannon and tear gas to disperse protesters in Brussels as the country tightened COVID-19 restrictions to counter a surge in infections.

COVID vaccinations spike in US as delta rages and omicron looms

A massive 8-year effort finds that much cancer research can’t be replicated

• I've been working diligently to figure out quantum computers. As best I can tell, they stop working when you observe them.

Some people hate trackpads on laptops.

Much like some people hate bullies and gray weather.

I never had any problems and kinda like them, up until the current laptop. 

It's bad.Very very bad.

But I do my best.

There are some people, however, who shouldn't use trackpads.

In fact, they shouldn't be in the same room with a trackpad.

Better yet, the same city.

Mrs. lefty is one.

I sat and watched, for hours, trying to help, while she shopped.

It was not pretty.

What's worse was my pathetic attempts to help... 

Some married couples can patiently, ably assist each other with new tasks. This, of course, would not be us. We're like a pair of alpha lions. Leaders of the pack. The pack of two. All growling and no learning.

Overheard:

• You don't have to push the button, you can tap the pad.
• WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
• You just shut down my blog.
• I can't make that happen. How did YOU?
• LEAVE. ME. ALONE.
• I'm not sure, but I think you just threatened China in email.
• Please tell the dog that trackpads weren't designed for paws.
• How about I get you a mouse instead?
• Click on the tab, don't close it.
• What do you mean 'why did that happen?' You MADE it happen.
• Don't click on... never mind. Bring it back up.
• Perhaps you should shop for shoes in the store....
• No, the browser in your phone works the same way.

And speaking of trackpads, my laptop's keyboard bit the Big One, so I had to order a new one.

$25 to ship the thing USPS. I wouldn't trust USPS to mail a letter next door, especially after last year's debacle getting the xmas presents to me. 

When I first got the laptop, I put in NVMe drives, so it was no trouble to  open and work on.

That is, until I tried to open it this time.

I took a ton of screws out and it would not come apart.

At one point, it looked like a few screws had put themselves back - I briefly considered taking up drinking.

I had no choice but to take the option of last resort. Go online and find the manual.

The manual rated this operation as easy(!). Fortunately it listed the number of screws and pointed me to the one I couldn't see. BOOM - the thing came apart.

Have you ever seen flat cables? There were two that connected the keyboard. This is precisely the point you need to call somebody who doesn't do coke (or meth) and their hands don't shake.

I finally got the new keyboard in, with only one broken plastic part and two screws left over.

You shoulda seen me - cock of the walk. I bragged to Wife that I fixed it. I swaggered when I stepped. I jumped over the dog (tripping and spraining an ankle). 

After all that crap, I had Side Effects, completely unrelated to the keyboard: a new battery icon, greater difficulty with the touchpad, and an HDMI port that decided it too was going to bite the Big One. 

Keyboardwese, evetytngh's werknng fahn.

The head of the European Space Agency has urged the continent’s leaders to stop facilitating Elon Musk’s ambition to dominate the new space economy, warning that the lack of coordinated action meant the US billionaire was “making the rules” himself.

-- doesn't Musk understand WE want to make the rules? We better teach this young whippersnapper a lesson. No, we don't have any actual ships there, but that doesn't matter. Dammit.

Biden News  

RIP Bob Dole. They told Biden that 'Bob was going away on a long trip, ok?'

The video conference with Putin went well, after the staff explained to him that it's just like the talkies, and he can watch that guy with the funny accent. Afterwards they promised to take him to Disneyland.

• Noting the crippling ransomware attacks on worldwide businesses, worldwide businesses said, "[silence] NA NA NA NA NA NA WE CAN'T HEAR YOU NA NA NA NA"

Billy Joel referred to Taylor Swift as the Beatles of her generation.

Swift said that 'broke her brain.'

Billy was quickly hauled to the Happy Place<tm>, then scheduled for a hearing test.

• 'I had to move across America when I became allergic to the sun'
• all the poor lady had to do was to move to SE PA. We're allowed 2 days per week of the sun, maximum. We just crossed over from the hot and rainy season to the cold and rainy season

You're probably saying to yourself, "Gee, I'd love to build my own stun gun."

You're in luck.

This basic taser page has the info..

If you're even halfway decent with electronics, it's pretty easy. 

There's only a wiring diagram. It's a 9v battery into a stepup transformer (about $9).

Basic cautions apply. I don't want to hear your funny stories about tasing yourself.

Ok, I do.

• with all the cyber attacks and ransomware in the news, it's a great time to remind you to USE CASH. Don't give out any personal info. It worked perfectly well for a very long time and never got hacked. Robbed, yes, but no one got your details.

Nobody has seen anything like it... New York is running short of cream cheese.

I'm Having Sex Tonight, Whether I Want To or Not

 

Your love is like  a surprise snowstorm that causes a 24 car pileup on the interstate

• Elon Musk has the Flying AIDS.
• Tomorrow he's building the largest health center ever, and will cure the virus

Today I identify as  a 40meg hard drive on a 286 system

Is it ok that the Pentagon lied to a sitting president in order to keep US troops in Syria? They should be fired immediately and prosecuted.

Are you having any doubts about the military industrial complex? Eisenhower warned about them because he was aware of where things were going...

• I just found chocolate shampoo: my life is complete

There are a lot of accusations of Bad Things happening at the polls. Lawsuits are pending. Meanwhile, China congratulated Biden on his win, and Russia offered to help count ballots.

Flying AIDS Treatment

Pfizer's CEO sold $5.6 million of stock, on the same day of the vaccine news.

Pfizer's vaccine is claimed to be 95% effective, with no side effects.

1. vaccines take years to go through the process, and all have side effects. How did this one get through so quickly?
2. how can a vaccine claim 95% efficacy when last year's flu vaccine was under 20% ?

I'm not calling conspiracy.. I'm laying out a few facts from the medical industry. Make your own decisions.

Australia is going to track Flying AIDS encounters with payment card records. It's starting. When bad stuff happens, it's frequently in Australia, migrating to the UK and US. Remember: once this stuff goes into effect, it never comes off.

Idiot Mayor closed a ridiculous amount of businesses in Philly. There is an indoor dining ban. Stay out of Philly. NASA or Elon Musk needs to investigate sending Idiot Mayor on one of their ships, off the planet.

• Israeli medic fired for spitting on Jesus portraits
• Who is gonna be the one to tell him that Jesus was Jewish?

Definition: beard - any female seen with 'the property brothers'

Cell Phone Happiness

New lawsuit: Why do Android phones mysteriously exchange 260MB a month with Google via cellular data when they're not even in use?

The iOS COVID-19 app ecosystem has become a privacy minefield

• Microsoft is showing Windows 10 users full-screen ads for its Edge browser
• This is not an operating system - it's an ad platform 

Hey, Chromebook users! That's a Google product. The operating system itself is Google. There is not an area of your life that Google doesn't want to mine. Why give them the chance? They're being used for schools too, which is a lawsuit waiting to happen.

The sticky business of transporting 2 human heads as carry-on baggage, during a serial killer probe. It's all good forensic work, but the reactions from airlines and security people are priceless.

A very small study shows psilocybin may help treat depression.

I did a small study of this in high school. It showed the magic mushroom consumers were usually so whacked out, they didn't remember they were depressed. Next week: LSD and depression.

• Just read some reviews for a new amp. One described it as a paradigm shift and the other, a game changer. Make up your friggin minds. How am I supposed to be an informed consumer if I don't use the right buzzwords?
• Don't forget, over the holidays, that you can play Game Changer Shots under lockdown, with your friends. Make your video connections, and whenever you hear someone say 'game changer,' take a shot. This game has already killed more students than the Flying AIDS at colleges across the country.

Dear lefty  

• Where do you come up with this.... stuff?
• Eric Clapton said he considers himself a conduit. I am too: the dog gives it to me telepathically. She sits there, wagging her tail and looking all cute, but behind the fluff lurks a diabolical intellect.

Boston University professor Ibram Kendi said that the term 'legal vote' is 'fictionally fraught' and 'racist.'

Other terms deemed racist were garlic, toilet paper, anvil, mother, and Elon Musk 

At Least I Pooped Today...

You know you're living with PTSD when....
There's only 2 of you, but you have the 48 pack of toilet paper.



Your love is like  your mother's.


The goog is starting to take security more seriously. So seriously, I can't get into my own gmail with my own phone. I used to... but it suddenly told me that someone used my password to try to access my mail. Yes, of course someone did - it was ME. Apparently I've done such a good job of disguising my phone, the goog doesn't recognize it.

Sometimes a time machine would be fun.
Can you imagine going back to visit Ben Franklin, noted bright guy, inventor, and ladies' man, with an android tablet. With transexual videos. Ask him what he thinks about SJWs. Or forward 100 years, to watch people just shake their heads in silence, looking back at our time in history.


AI, the Buzzword for the next 10 years, is moving forward by leaps and bounds. You probably don't know this, but you've seen AI for years. It's a very early and flawed implementation, but sourced reveal it's Larry King.  Larry's been dead for 10 years, and what you're seeing is an AI likeness, complete with wheezing, coughing, and heart arrhythmia.


To the science-minded and anyone concerned: sperm swim more like otters than eels.


Libertarian candidate for president, Jo Jorgensen, has to get 5,000 signatures to get on the ballot in the hole that is PA. Republicans and democrats require 2,000.



Dear lefty:

• To what do you attribute the serious rise in global readership?
• Bad taste knows no boundaries.

What do you do when you drop to earth in a space capsule, and have 5 hours to kill until the ship comes for you? You use your satellite phone to make prank calls. This is why America is the greatest nation on Earth.



The NSA recommends privacy-conscious turn off find-my-phone, wifi, and Bluetooth whenever not using them.  HA. The NSA is finally taking my advice.

They turned me loose today. Or I escaped... however you'd like to phrase it.
What did we learn today?
First, we learned that the Flying AIDS is keeping people inside. Where there should be stopped traffic, there was no traffic.

We learned that someone needs to give some serious thought to dog-proofing the car. And the GPS. Especially the GPS.

Our original GPS and I had a very bad relationship, like the mower. The touch screen caused an incredible amount of grief, and not just with me. After it tried to drive us into a large body of water, we gave up. It would say things like, "Turn 500 feet at .. Road." I suspect it had better things to do than give us directions.

When the new one showed up, I started getting douche chills and asked Mrs lefty if she was deliberately trying to torture me. She said not at all, but she said it too quickly and I thought I saw a twinkle in her eye. There was no need to plug it into a computer to have it run, which was good. The screen went from the horrid push screen to a touch screen, and behaved pretty well. It only screwed up about 10 times for me, which was a great improvement over the old one. Unfortunately the device is not dog-proof. We kept trying to figure out why the device was on a screen we had never seen. It was Penny, touching it with her nose. Repeatedly. Cars used to come with bench seats, like your couch. This left much room for a 3rd passenger or a dog. The tiny individual seats are no place for canines. Penny is happy to try to get past this by sneaking up from the back, sitting on my lap, scratching the crap out of my legs, and trying to stick her head out the window. As for the car being dog-proof, Penny either knows how to open the window or keeps hitting it by mistake. We have to literally lock the window controls so she doesn't open the windows. It's pretty funny to watch her flaps flapping in the breeze, but we like to err on the side of caution. One squirrel and it might be over.

We were in outer Mongolia, visiting. You see different things in outer Mongolia. For instance, we watched a chipmunk walk up to someone and take a peanut. That was amusing, but I didn't expect to see a young bear, popping by, eating some food, then putting his paws on the railing, looking for more. He was just fine with people; mainly looking for more to eat. I saw pictures of the Three Little Bears, playing in the tree, with their momma watching. Next to the porch. If there's one thing you don't piss off, it's Trump. If there's another thing you don't piss off, it's a momma bear. There was also a video of the little ones, trying to figure out what to do with a marshmallow. Discovering it wasn't much of a toy, they did what all children do: stick it in their mouth. I get in trouble for sticking things in my mouth to this day. The local authorities say that it's ok to feed the animals. Ok, then. It's pretty cool to look at bears. At about a mile away, or in those nice postcards. Having to change your underwear frequently is tiring. Penny went nuts, less so for the bear than the chipmunks. She stood guard the entire time. We felt secure in the knowledge we were going to go unmolested by chipmunks. This is one serious hunting dog (when she's not anchored to her mommy, napping). Hospitality is the same everywhere, which I realized when our host provided us with vodka bottles and straws. These were the good straws, not the kind that collapse. Although it would've made the trip more interesting, we declined, hoping for Drano instead.

It was great to get back home to my couch, where there was no danger of bears, except on the tv. Aside from discovering the new GPS added an hour to our trip, the ride home was fine. This is much better than last time, when we drove through a hurricane. We saw flying tree branches, trees, small houses, trucks, and bicycles with Nancy Pelosi riding them.



Always late to the party, I discovered you can't pay a turnpike toll: it's all billed to you. Hmmmm.... that would be pretty convenient if EZ PASS wasn't working to remove cash, tracking, and toll takers. Watch the alleged coin shortage get blamed for cutting off other cash transactions. As it is, some stores say you need exact change or you have to use a card. I'm starting to vibrate (harder).

Kinda Captivity - Peanut Butter Steering Wheels

I'm typing this on the new laptop. See System76 on the front page.


Pieces of Precarious Penguin Poo can shoot 4 feet.
I thought you needed to know.



2020 Has not gone well, he said, in his typical British understatement, even though he's not British. I would like to have a do-over. Let's have a New Year's Eve, right after our July 4th, and just do it normally, ok?


Annnnnd here we go; a new swine flu.
I'm gonna give you free advice: don't fuck pigs.



An asteroid's moon just got a name, Dimorphos, so we could blow it up. It's not in danger of hitting the Earth: we're just testing our ability to blow things up. Perhaps this is the reason the aliens don't make themselves known: they're afraid of Earth trying to blow them up. We're a screwed-up little planet.



Elon Musk is starting a school.
He's also starting a car wash, nail salon, sex change one-stop, and drive-thru oral gratification service. He's a man ahead of his time. And with too much time.


Homework assignment: How can BLM tear down Mt. Rushmore?


STOP and take notice: soap is racist, because of a Christian sermon and being used to cleanse African people of their sins.

This is definitely going to cause a problem.



Sooo...... who got the government bailouts this time?
Read them and weep.


RIP Charlie Daniels (83) from a stroke

RIP Ennio Morricone (91), changed the sound of movies



Ghislane Maxwell, pal of Jeffrey Epstein, is in jail. Her lawyer says she's in danger and might kill herself or be silenced. The attorney suggested she could shoot herself 12 times in the back of the head and hide the gun. She could handcuff herself behund her back, then inject herself with poison. She could open an investigation into the death of Vince Foster. She could become suicidally depressed over the video system in her cell being broken. She could cry out that the guys with the guns can't get into her cell block. The problem is that no one will sit in her cell on suicide watch, fearing they too will be suicided.

F- Off, I'm Having a Bad Day

Well, I'm not, but that fellow in England who just got pulled over by the nice policeman probably is.

That phrase was on a bumper sticker. The nice policeman kept pointing out that this was no good; somebody could take offense (offence in Britain). So it had to come off.

The US has no shortage of issues with hurt feelings but the First Amendment covers us, sort of. We're not all that concerned about someone taking a fence. It's astounding to me. Also astounding is the absolute look of shock in the eyes of the police when someone says a bad word. They threaten to arrest them for Public Order. Citizens of England: you better stop this before your government outlaws offensive thoughts.




ThermionicEmissions has been here approximately seven years.
Time flies when you're... ummm... here.

No Idea Where I Am

The above phrase denotes location, and when there's a location issue, we just know another Garmin Rant<tm> is coming.

And we're right!

First we went guitar and device shopping. This is traditionally a total failure, and we were not disappointed. With hundreds of guitars all over the walls, there were three low line lefties. That is par for the course, so it wasn't a big deal. I spent my time looking for deals on amplifiers and pedals, none of which presented themselves to me as a deal or a must-have.

So it was the wife's turn to shop, but we weren't sure where the store was. Hey, let's ask the Garmin.

The definition of stupid is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

I joked about what happened the last time I used the Garmin... it tends to make me very angry. As the address went into the infernal device, it appeared that I was not the only person upset by the Little Black Box from Hell. It couldn't find the listing for the store. Every other store, yes; this one, no.

Why didn't you use a different device, like maybe your phone, you ask. Good question. The answer is that last time we used three different devices, all of which tried to make us drive into the water, to a different state.

Finally the address came up and we were off.  Really far off.
The long and short of the trip was that it was two turns down the road. This will be pretty easy to remember for next time, if there is a next time.

The five minute trip took a total of one hour.

The Garmin told us to go down the street a bit and make a right at "Street". I don't know about you, but I'm willing to bet there are no streets in the state called Street. There is a Street Road (no, really), but it was about an hour away. So we took a guess and turned onto Street. Went to the end. It told us to make a left. Into a parking garage. I'm a good sport, so I made a left into the parking garage, thinking we were taking a shortcut through the garage. Heh heh.

Following the EXIT signs, we came out exactly where we were when the black box told us to make a left (into the parking lot). My temperature was headed up. As the navigator, her job was to procure the directions and communicate them at less volume than a 767 taking off, or a Slayer concert, whichever is louder. The literal temperature in the car went up twenty degrees. The passengers had become quiet because they sensed war, and trusted the Garmin almost as much as we did.

I headed them off at the pass, but was foiled at every intersection by stop signs that only applied to me. Before you go thinking that my mind has finally gone south due to extreme paranoia, I must explain that we were in a large shopping complex, with complex turns. All stores were outside, like a long, winding, tortuous mall without a roof. The stop signs were all pointed at mall traffic, not street traffic, so we had to wait for street traffic to stop. The joke was on us... the street traffic never stopped.

Visually, we had one long block to go. Timewise, we might have been home before we got the length of the block. The little black box that caused explosions outside it was so friendly as to let us know to make a turn onto "Street" at the end of the block. We persevered until Street. What are the odds that a state would have two Streets within yards of each other? Thirty minutes later, I pulled the car into a handicapped spot. In lieu of a handicapped tag, I just left the Garmin hanging from the mirror, tied like a noose. The police would understand.


I'm here for your pleasure. Someone should derive pleasure from my misfortunes. Also my fortunes, should they ever occur. Statistically, they will, but statistics are pretty bad on the when. According to the many statisticians who read this blog, fortune will in fact occur; definitely by the time I am unable to type or change my diapers.

The universe is a strange place. The Universe really gets off on screwing with people, under the guise of helping them. Everything is related, according to Dirk Gently, and many other people who like phrases. The problem here is that one has to put this cryptic system together until it makes sense. This is virtually impossible, given phrases like "you will know then" and "maintaining operational readiness." It's like the bible, Shakespeare, and what the dead allegedly say to the living. It makes absolutely no sense and you're left wondering why they can't simply explain it to you in English. Because that would ruin all the fun.

Although I too can't understand the bible, Shakespeare and the dead, sometimes I see the results.... usually in hindsight, like a smack upside the head with a small foreign car. The car always loses.

So in hindsight, I figured out why I couldn't find anything to spend money on at the guitar shop: my idiot employer submitted incorrect information and I now have a tax bill that would purchase many guitars.

Stop laughing - it gets better. This bill was for a few years ago. Every year I'm going to get another bill until this clears up. You may now continue laughing. I haven't had this much fun since the IRS failed to steal enough of my money in taxes and I came up with a bill that made my head spin around and spit pea soup. And then I got mad. I actually upset the IRS, as they told my wife when she spoke to them.

One of the truisms in life is that you can't fight city hall. In fact, you can't even get in touch with city hall. I called and was put on hold but assured that their best people would be with me as soon as they were done assisting other customers.  I was assured of this repeatedly over the next thirty minutes, right up until the message changed... "We are open til five o'clock. Please call back during business hours." [CLICK].

They honestly felt bad for me, so they sent me an envelope. In it was their sincere apology and a high-level personal contact to help move this along.  Of course I'm kidding.. it was another bill, with another stack of money added in for interest, Getting Hung Up On Fee, Calling on a Friday Fee, and Affixing Postage to the Envelope Fee.

By this time, I had stopped spitting pea soup and went to blood instead. Whose blood was not important at the time. I went to call them, because it worked so well last time (see the theme here?). There was one phone number, for payments. I dug around and found another number. All circuits were busy.  BUSY? What is this - 1980? Did we overwhelm the entire city's phone network? Or was the phone company also given the day off for the Eagles parade (2 days early)?

Speaking of which, there is a public transportation lottery to see who will be allowed to board public transportation to the parade. Entire stations will be closed and bypassed. With public and parochial schools closed, people taking off work, denizens of the area, and people working in the area taking 'extended lunches', it should be a real blast. I'll probably be the only one at work.



Great.. now I've depressed myself.
But in a sadly amused and creative way.

• Sometimes stuff seems so obvious that I scream at the tv screen or the computer monitor because they're so stupid. A perfect example was the aforeblogged news story about the government UFO secret program that studied UFOs for a few years. As I pointed out, we've been studying UFOs since at least 1947, probably longer. The facts are not hidden at all.
• Another ridiculous excuse handed out by SETI and others is lifeforms from so incredibly far away could never visit us because it would take several forevers to get here. This sounds like an acceptable answer, provided you don't think about it for longer than about ten seconds. Forgive my fuzziness on the topic but there is a thing called the Einstein-Rosen Bridge, which is essentially a wormhole. Obviously we can't test it just now, but it's a theory, and that Einstein fellow sure was bright. I think it's safe to assume that aliens can be thousands or millions of years ahead of us, so isn't it possible they have the Einstein-Rosen thing figured out - or its replacement?
• Keep in mind I'm not saying that the unidentified flying things seen in the air contain alien life. I'm just countering more than one excuse at a time.
• Take a moment. Get to your Quiet Space. Now imagine handing an android tablet to Ben Franklin. What would he do with it? Would he be able to understand and operate it?
• It's exhausting, always being right.

Good News/Bad News

Congress just put together a budget.

The good news:

• Congress just put together a budget.
• it is a bipartisan effort

The news you were expecting:

• It will require one more stopgap bill to keep the government allegedly running until March
• It will last two years
• It will add $380 TRILLION to our spending
• It will require Congress to increase the debt limit, as the bottom-dwelling self-serving scum-sucking subhumans do every budget, along with stalling.
• Congress wants to thank you for all the cards, letters, and good wishes, and would like you to know that their free healthcare will continue, with no deductibles or copayments, forever, despite any other healthcare crisis that the entire country may or may not be experiencing.

The commentary:

• One republican said he won't vote for it even if President Trump calls him and asks for his vote (somebody read The Art of the Deal ).
• Nancy Pelosi said there was no way she'd vote for it and gave a multi-hour filibuster on why president... uhh.. .Bush.. no.. Obama.. was wrong for this country, especially considering the healthcare crisis for Uranus. Furthermore, the rain in plane stays currently on the can, which affects the brain flowers that cause ammoniamentia in puppies.
• The president got more money for the Pentagon. So, you know, we'll all be safer. Unless, of course, we work in the Pentagon and a small drone happens to crash into it, producing four entire frames of video.
• The dems got more money for social causes, like the opioid crisis, because throwing tons of money at problems always fixes them.
• The country and future generations got screwed, so no change there.

If at first you don't succeed, being awake may not be for you.

• So there's this new, magic technology that can put faces on bodies, in decent, believable quality video. Naturally this has been adopted by porn, so a celebrity face goes on a porn star body. This is called Deepfake. As much fun as this sounds, the spoilsports at Reddit, Twtter, and Pornhub have banned them. The social networks are doing what you'd expect, but when adult sites do it, you know the legal team has had their say. To be fair, we get this.

A gender equality campaigner from London has received general praise from men and women on the internet for having a 'smashing pair of tits.' A Faceyspaces occupant posted gender equality content on her page and within an hour, had 2,000 comments that she had a stupendous set of mammalian protuberances.

If the picture in the article is the person mentioned, the commenters are dead on. Even straight women are commenting in a positive fashion. I never suspected how wonderful social media could be.  Had this happened in America, there would be rampant aneurysms in collegiate circles, fainting, and Unbelievable Outrage all over social media. In response, there would be Unbelievable Hilarity from the Social Media Joy Squad, having a poke at the Fainting Feminists. It makes great reading.

As this is in England, the commentors had better watch out, because you can be hauled down to the pokey for making 'rude' comments. Wouldn't want to offend anybody Over There, would we?

• Digressing for a moment (as usual), Philadelphia Police have stopped showing up for run of the mill crimes. The only sure way to bring them around is to say 'gun' in your call.
• In England, it would appear that bringing the police becomes a much easier feat if you tell them that people are hurling racial slurs out in the open. It appears that the worst crime you can commit is hurting someone's feelings.
• Keep in mind that my England knowledge comes from Monty Python and, for current day information, English police shows.

• You simply can't out-parody reality department: Antifa disrupts Swedish  LGBT parade because 'Gays are offensive to Muslims...'
• It would appear that this worldwide anti-fascist group is behaving in a fascist manner. The irony is obviously lost on them.

President Trump has addressed the National Prayer Breakfast, because screw the First Amendment - we need to prove we're holy. At least to court the religious backers.

• Just in case you were bored, Richard Pryor's widow tells us that Richard slept with Marlon Brando. “It was the ’70s!” she said. “Drugs were still good, especially quaaludes. If you did enough cocaine, you’d f–k a radiator and send it flowers in the morning.” Read this - it's great.

Spirit Airlines suggested a passenger flush her emotional support hamster down the loo. Spirit wouldn't allow the rodent on the plane, even though the student checked in advance. They deny saying it.  Meanwhile, United Airlines is partying because it wasn't them this time.

I can't say more: my emotional support elephant is getting very upset.

• Upset because they haven't been in the news for anything stupid this week, California announced it will block the transportation of petroleum from new offshore oil rigs, a Trump administration program.
• California just won the award for most congested driving. I am going to consult for the California Department of Transportation. Although I will pad my services out for several years, the award-winning proposition will be writing TRUMP on the dirt of the trucks that bring fuel into California. In less than a day, there will be no gasoline in the entire state, hence no traffic. I'll make millions!

This security researcher decided to set up her apartment as a Smart Home. With a little help from her friend, she set up monitoring to see what the devices collected and where they sent it to. Before you die of suspense, every device collected information and sent it upstream to the manufacturer and marketers. Precisely as I said. But you should read the article anyway, to get an idea of how everything worked. The conclusion is very interesting too, although it wouldn't exactly be mine.

I'm not sure how I'd set things up if these devices were in  my house. If you stop your data from being sent, you won't get updates for the devices. The data, meanwhile, builds a profile of what you do and when. What time you're home. Exactly what you watched on tv and when. Pictures of you (and the baby), walking around, possibly naked or half-dressed. Maybe using the couch for something other than sitting.

The truly sad part is that in 1984 (the book), you watched the tv and the tv watched you. Your smart tv is already watching you. You might put cameras in the house too; at this point, you've already done the spy agencies' job for them.   The devices promise, and sometimes deliver, convenience. Why is the paranoid lunatic from that blog so against the Internet of Things? Sure I'd like a few.. but the downside isn't worth it. Take a moment and think about that.

Not addressed here is the fact that the majority of IoT devices are insecure by design, so 'others' can potentially see what you're doing.

• Elon Musk launched a rocket. A private firm. This is pretty big. If it continues, we may infect surrounding planets with our presence. If there was any time for the aliens to make themselves known, it's probably now.
• There is documented history of nuclear weapons being interfered with, concurrent with unknown aerial objects at close range. This is information only - you're free to do the research and draw your own conclusions.

A local concert venue just let me know tickets are on sale for Tony Bennett and Gov't Mule. Hopefully not at the same time.

• Look.. if I don't turn you into a raving acutely aware person, let some scientists do it: A team of scientists from around the world confirmed millions of viruses rising into the atmosphere, traveling — sometimes for thousands of miles — and falling back down to the surface. All of the sudden, agoraphobia is starting to sound pretty good, isn't t?

Uh-oh.

Male dogs win the Westminster dog show almost twice as often as females.

Hollywood is now wearing brown, in sympathy with fur. All colleges are now on strike for gender equality and demanding that male dogs be excluded from the show.

• Covered up by OXFAM, the charity's rescue workers paid refugees for sex, while helping in earthquake-torn Haiti.
• The US military has been said to be almost an invading force to women in countries where they are stationed. I'd say OXFAM is a giant step up: they actually compensated the people they had sex with.  This provided the prostitutes a job amid all the destruction and kept volunteer morale up, so to speak. Win-win.