The Case of the Materializing Hair

I found a hair.

Woody Allen starts his hysterical routine about a moose this way: 
"I shot a moose."


I carried my laptop from the office to the living room. A few minutes later, there was a hair on it. Normally this wouldn't be an issue, as the people and the (former) pets had lots of it. There are no more pets but there is obviously still hair. Also, I cannot rule out that an elephant has been through the place, dropping off one small hair on my laptop, just because I didn't see it.

Upon examination, the hair was not human in origin. How do I know this? Technically I don't, but I've seen enough hair (usually in the vacuum) to tell the difference. As yet, I haven't been called to testify in court as an Expert Hair Witness. This is a shame, as they get the Big Bucks.

How does one describe a hair? I might as well sing an aria about avoiding super glue as a lubricant to a deaf person.

Ok, maybe not that bad....
Human hair is round, more or less. This was flat. Very flat. Calista Flockhart flat. It also had a pointed tip, like a sword, in case its owner needed to defend himself with a pointed hair. Down at the bottom, it had a lot of little 'spikes' or feathering. It was stiff. On this basis, I assume it isn't human. As it is not currently attached to its former owner, I'm at a bit of a loss. I'm also at a bit of a loss as to how it got there. It doesn't look particularly aerodynamic and seems like it wouldn't be blown around like a human hair. I've never seen one before, and hair doesn't usually materialize on my laptop unless it comes directly from me. If this came from me, it wasn't there when I moved the laptop.

Since this is a completely minor and bizarre matter, I needed to follow it up post haste, using all of my attention (such as it is) and whatever resources I could bring to bear on the matter. I got my top people on it, with emails going right out to The President's Committee on Hair Identification, as well as England's Ministry of Hair That Feathers a Bit Near the Bottom. While I waited for inspiration and emails, I did what most humans on the planet do: no, not nap.. I went to the internet.

What kind of query do you put into a search engine for hair? The results are not going to be pretty regardless. I used "hair identification," which provided 1,237 links to finding out what type of hair you have on your head, so you can style and care for it properly. Later today, I'll start seeing ads for hair care products while I surf, and wonder why.

One interesting link was how to figure out whether it's human or animal.
This turned out to be a scholarly discussion on putting the found hair next to a known people or animal hair and seeing if it looks the same. If I say I already thought about this, will I be eligible for a Nobel Prize?

The next link had some real promise: it was from the FBI's Forensic Science Communications, entitled Microscopy of Hair Part II: A Practical Guide and Manual for Animal Hairs. You can tell this is reliable information because it has a lot of words in the title, even though the largest word only has four syllables. They start by examining hairs under a microscope, noting cells, and comparing. Nowhere does it mention shape or deal with the hair outside the cells. This is Real Science<tm> and I'm excited that I'll find an answer, even if the Ministry of Hair That Feathers a Bit Near the Bottom fails to get back to me.

Astute observers will astutely observe that I do not have a microscope. I have a telescope, which is close, right? Same basic principle... it makes things bigger... Since the telescope will require the assistance of a Telescope Detector and a dump truck to find, I continued on. There's a small bit on what could be feathering, but naturally is called coronal scales or spinous scales. I think this is a dead end, as the picture of the Free-Tailed Bat hair didn't bear any resemblance.  Nor did mink, ginger, or ovoid bodies in cattle/human/canine hair. Fortunately the next section, "Animal Versus Human Hairs" held promise.

Animal hairs are grouped into three different types (guard, wool, tactile, and nose) but all any pet owner knows is the type that fouls the vacuum, requiring small scissors and an intricate surgery that run 37 minutes.

I'm going to seriously foul up Real Science<tm> here and assume that it did not belong to the groups covered, those being Deer Family and Antelope, White Tailed and Mule deer, Caribou, and Woody Allen's Moose. Also out were rabbit, seal, mink, muskrat, chinchilla, raccoon, and red fox (although I loved him in Sanford and Son). To be honest, the closest I saw was beaver. There are no beaver in the area because Beaver College had to change its name. When you went to look it up online, 'beaver' produced all kinds of interesting results. Ruling out these results contaminates the science. Who says a giraffe didn't walk past the laptop and deposit the hair in question? It's a possibility, as the living room ceiling is higher than the office.

The article concludes with three items, which I will paraphrase:

1. if the questionable hair looks like a known hair, you can conclude that it looks like your known hair
2. If the questionable hair doesn't look like a known hair, you can't say it's the same species as the known hair (unless it came from a Kardashian).
3. if the questionable hair looks like a known hair in some places but doesn't in other places, it can possibly be from Kanye, which is as close to a Kardashian as you'd ever care to be.

To no one's surprise, the FBI was of no help at all.

I did learn that it's best not to blow dry my type of hair and that you can wholesale human hair from China. Body parts too, as I hear it.

An article called Alopecia: Types of Hair Loss and How to Identify Them was also of no assistance. Just change the name to MY FUCKING HAIR'S FALLING OUT!!!  

Not sure How to tell if Brazilian hair is real is helpful either, but I'll check with my Portuguese friend (Brazil speaks Portuguese, so their hair is related).

What have we learned?

1. Nothing
2. some investigations should not be performed at work
3. when Mom drops off some fresh chocolate buttercream icing, it's best to wait until it gets close to room temperature before shoveling the entire vat into my mouth
4. I shouldn't display such enthusiasm for bizarre events
5. for the sake of my readers, I shouldn't write about my enthusiasm.
6. Whether it's animal hair or those little bugs you found on your mattress, do the same thing: put it in a sealed container for the professionals to identify. You don't have time in your life for this shit.

• Rushing to take control, under pretext of censorship, the British banned internet porn for children. Yeah, right.. it turns out that millions of porn videos are exempt via their own regulations. But let's face it - this isn't just about porn. They're keeping the UK safe. From what, we're not sure... why not terrorism? If people see porn, the terrorists win.

The amount of cell phone tracking is draconian - we can all agree. Google and Apple, bless them, will let you know what they know about you. For Google, log into your account. For Apple, go to their 'privacy portal'. They got their naming conventions from DC (Patriot Act anyone?).

• This week's best headline: "What if Hitler had Access to my Facebook Data"

A recent Supreme Court case may have serious implications for Google, Twitter, YouTube, and other social media.  The case will decide if a private operator of a public access network can be government-regulated.

I'm no Constitutional scholar, but that never stopped me before...

Although the case is more intricate, this could get ugly. For example, the First Amendment states that the government may not regulate speech or establish religion.... it does not apply to private businesses. As it stands, Faceyspaces, Google, etc, are not government businesses - they're private, hence are not subject to this amendment. That's how it is, according to #1A. The case wants to allow regulation by declaring these companies 'state actors'. In other words, they want to add (these) private companies to their loophole. Tricky.

Speaking not as a libertarian, I'd love to see these companies forced to eat their own crap. Let's face it: if I say things these companies don't agree with, I'm out the door too, although not as fast as the right. To be clear, censorship shouldn't travel in any direction. But according to the Constitution, they can't be controlled right now, so that's the way we have to go. Using the courts to decide is also the way to go (provided they agree with my interpretation).

• Need to make some quick cash?  Tell Justin Bieber you'll give $1,000 to his favorite charity every time he says "I dig chicks with green hair." Then bet the National Star Enquirer five million that you can turn tens of thousands of kids' hair green overnight, without saying or doing a single thing (plus a signed Bieber 8x10 to their favorite charity).

New Yorkers: you're famous for your rulers (NYPD) obtaining serious technology to use on you. proposed is the POST Act, which will force transparency. Keep in mind that right now, shotgun microphones, video surveillance, face recognition and automatic license plate readers are in place (and that's the stuff we know about). Do you feel protected now? Do you feel surveilled everywhere but your shower? Get with your reps and urge them to support POST. Naturally the act has no teeth, but it's a start.

Where's That #**#@ Phone???

Marshall the Wonder Cocker is on way too much medicine. One of them evolved nicely to something that looks like a Rolo, which is beef-flavored so the dog will eat it. Except my dog, who won't have anything to do with it. Perhaps if it were cat food flavored.  The medicine issue was quickly solved with cold cuts, specifically turkey. He ate it right up. Right up until the point when he stopped. We switched to ham, which he really loved. This worked for damn near two weeks; a record. Then he stopped liking the ham. This week it's cheese. He loves him some cheese.  In fact, when he follows me into the kitchen and the refrigerator door opens, he gets all excited. He snarfed up his meds, wrapped in cheese, for damn near a week. Damn near. Evolving, his new trick is to take the cheese/pill bundle, chew to see if there's anything that doesn't belong, and spits it on the floor. If there's something he'd rather not eat, it stays on the floor, while the cheese gets consumed. To make matters more interesting, he has ear drops. He now recognizes the bottle and goes running the moment he sees it. It's a bitch when your pet is smarter than you.

UPDATE: not sure if I should feel better about this, but my very smart child is now laying outside, in the rain, on the steps, sleeping.

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Encrypted messaging app WhatsApp has at least one very serious security flaw. that will let a third party listen to your FB voice messages. I mention this because I don't use it, but someone who reads this might. The flaw will allow WhatsApp, or more likely, the government, to eavesdrop on your messages. Your secure messages. Security Guru Bruce Schneier says it's not technically a flaw so much as a design decision. Regardless of which you consider this, I'd drop the app and move to Signal. And drop FB, of course.

• Censorship of media, in the Old Days, came from the right, frequently the religious right. These days censorship comes from the left, frequently from the Social Justice Warriors, demanding things be thrown out because someone is or might be offended. This is unacceptable in either case. I may disagree with what you have to say, but I will fight for your right to say it. Please watch for it and keep the above words in mind. No one likes when the KKK marches but to not allow them to march is to not allow your child's sports team to march.

So hey, how about the Ukraine power grid problem? What problem? It got hacked. Then it got hacked again, both times cutting power to the area (the Pivichna substation). Officials believe the hacks were performed by the same entity. Most, if not all of us, do not live in Ukraine, but utility hacking is getting more prevalent and more successful. This is partially due to the utilities being hooked to the net in the first place. This is a no-no. It is also due to ancient technology hooking it up. There have been all sorts of hacks and alerts across the US. Recently, there were a number of tests across California. I can't tell you what's happening to combat hacking, but it had better be fast and it had better be effective.  You know what will happen, though....

• A US judge just ruled that because Sony 'monitors' you on the PS3, you have a reduced expectation of privacy on info stored on the PS3. Not only do some of these devices monitor you via mic and/or camera, the data they store is open to the court system (or anyone else who can get at it, of course).  It's a fine time to own a gaming console (that's hooked up to your smart tv, which also watches you, then transmits the data up the line). 1984 all over again.

A United Airlines passenger has been arrested for a bomb threat. The budding Einstein tells the flight crew he found a note in the bathroom, saying not to land or the plane will blow up. When the crew asked him to write an account, they noticed that his handwriting looked awfully similar to the bomb note. The plane did land and failed to explode. The passenger will upgrade his living facilities for ten years to the federal pen and pay a fine of up to $250,000. That's some expensive practical joke there. Maybe he can send a note to the warden that the prison will explode if it doesn't let the inmates out. In his own handwriting, of course.

• The NYPD has said that if Trump enacts any legislation targeting Muslims, they will ignore it. Furthermore, the NYPD has a chaplain. Read that again. Why does a police department require a chaplain? Next thing you know they'll be in DMV offices and churches.

Talentless donut-licker and BDSM sexpot who complains about being objectified, Ariana Grande, has done it again: she has proclaimed herself the hardest working 23 year old girl in the world. Factory slaves in third-world countries, working for 25 cents a day disagree, for some unknown reason. I have never been interested in Ms. Grande, but it looks like she has some real comedic potential.

• Musicians with iDevices - update Garage Band. There has been an update that includes a security fix. Not that any of us here use iDevices...

I've mentioned my problem with my wife's phone before. In truth, it's my problem, as my wife has absolutely no problem with it.  The phone rings at a volume roughly equivalent to a Who concert, which is the loudest concert on record; slightly above the roar of an airplane's jet engine. One of the reasons this is not my wife's problem is that the phone is always near me when it goes off, resulting in me finding myself hanging upside down from the ceiling, like a cat who just got spooked. This would be hilarious to anyone present, but my wife is never present when the phone erupts like Mt Vesuvius.

Phone Eruptions are almost as amusing when someone is sleeping and doesn't hear it because it's on a different floor. So the phone rings, I wind up on the ceiling, and Wife sleeps right through it. Because why interrupt your snoozing when you can have your phone remotely annoy (and terrify) your spouse? Much as I've complained about it, and I have complained about it much, the ringer volume and location do not change, almost as if on purpose. This may or may not have something to do with Marital Dynamics.

In a nod to compromise, she sometimes takes the phone with her but puts it in Airplane Mode, which essentially shuts the phone off. Now she won't be disturbed and I won't leave claw marks in the ceiling, as it should be. Of course this strategy fails 100% of the time when I'm out of the house and need to get in touch with her. Fortunately I barely leave the couch. Currently I'm going for my Agorophobic Certificate. So I tell Wife to just shut off the ringer and allow certain numbers through.

Because she has very little continuity, my wife puts stuff down and immediately forgets where it is. This is usually a Guy Thing, but not in this case. Putting things down invariably will involve searching for things later. Frequently it's the phone. This used to involve tearing up areas in which we think the phone may be located. Getting smart, we used the landline. It is said that house phones are only used to locate cell phones these days. It is correct.

The other day I notice that Wife has the house phone in hand, calling her cell phone to locate it. I ask where she thinks it is because we don't hear it ringing. It turns out my wife outsmarted herself by turning off the ringer so it wouldn't disturb her, just like I said. It also will not ring when she calls it with the house phone. Why? Because I said to turn the ringer off and because she didn't hear me say to allow some numbers through (like the house phone).

It's not that I don't love my small, special little family - I do. But....

Johnny, what do you make of this?

Oh The Outrage

Gone viral is the story of a Philadelphia-ish area woman with an autistic child who was asked to leave Friendlys (an ice cream chain). The child was screaming and crying loudly. The mother, who is pushing this as a Huge Story, freely admits that the child is 'a bit of a brat' and 'loud'.

Rather than taking the child for a walk, she was 'afraid' to leave her other child at the table. Rather than simply taking the child out of the restaurant, like one would with any screaming child. The mother states this is 'intolerant', although she does not like the word tolerant. Just for fun, the show asked the child's older brother (approximately 10) what he thought of it, who referred to hate and anger. This poor child will always be secondary to his brother. The autistic child ran around and screamed in the studio.

In a statement, Friendlies states that they are "Confident that dialog is taking place."

C'mon, Mom.. you freely admit everything about your son that states he should have left the restaurant. Stop milking this, crying autism. A letter from another parent with autistic children states that she will leave an establishment when her child/children act out. Mom poo-pooed it.

• NYPD is planning to switch to Windows 10 Mobile. This is what we call a Dunderhead Move. Not because I hate Windows (well, not entirely) but because the platform is almost dead. Plus they must love pain. NYPD is already using Win 10 on their mobile phones, with the plan being to 'upgrade' them to Win 10 mobile. The reasoning is the security of the platform(!) and the mobile device management capabilities (which every other platform has too). Not only is this a stupid move, it's apparent that someone in the NYPD is either getting a kickback or is just incredibly friendly with a vendor. This isn't the first time this has happened.. many cities have selected statewide radio systems for police and fire that have been borderline useless. These people know nothing and rely on salespeople, who we know always tell the truth.

I prefer to let anatomy (especially blood) remain where it is, secure in the knowledge that it's doing what it's supposed to do, or at very least, I don't need to be looking there and passing out (possibly dying a rock star's death by choking on my own vomit). The other night we were catching up on Bones episodes. I remember them as intelligent and well-written, with funny and relatable characters and not a ridiculous amount of gore.  Apparently the focus changed while we weren't watching it. There were all sorts of hideous sights.. I can't and won't try to describe them, as I spent a good portion of the episodes looking at my computer instead of the tv. One particular delicacy involved a mostly eaten body with a carnivorous fish embedded inside what was left of it. Even the wife, a nurse, thought it was pretty gross. So Bones has changed a bit.

In addition to those bodily functions, there's one that of which I was never aware: the switch in my ass. Before your mind wanders too far, there's a switch in my butt that activates the dog whenever I sit. It lets him know it's a great time to do something that involves notifying me in an urgent manner and tone. This can be one of three things: I need food, I need to go outside, or I need water. He never asks for two at the same time, preferring to nudge me for them individually when the switch activates. As parents of bipeds, I suspect you know of this switch. Thus concludes your hidden anatomy lesson for the day (hopefully the year).

• Over 50 parents in England were furious when their children were left stranded on a bus because their Muslim driver stopped on a main road and knelt down to pray. I'm thinking that if your religion is going to interfere with doing your job that much, perhaps you need a different job. Imagine if other religions practiced during their work time...
• Islamists would park the bus across traffic, hoping cars and trucks would kill the kids
• Christians would sacrifice the children to God, while the Catholics would make them feel guilty for it
• Jews would take the kids out for a nice corned beef special, requesting the early-bird and group discounts
• Buddhists would have the children visualize going to school
• Atheist drivers would insist there are no schools and drop the kids back home

Friend to all, the IRS paid $12 million for Microsoft software it doesn't use. Not that anyone should use Microsoft software, but this is yet another example of government waste. But let's keep it between us, or else The Audits Will Begin.

• In today's Internet of Things update, Philips has pushed a firmware update that "accidentally" caused all 3rd party bulbs to stop working. In Plain English, the Philips bulbs are internet-connected. Philips sent/forced an update that makes other connected bulbs stop working. Not only will your house get hacked from outside, your appliances will fight each other for dominance. The fridge will not only refuse to tell you what's inside, it will keep trying to stop the oven from working. The oven, in retaliation, will send the fridge's password to anyone who asks, resulting in it divulging its contents and people ordering food that can't fit into it. Your heater will experience sibling rivalry with the air conditioner, causing hourly changes in house temperature, similar to changes in season. Your sleep (and sex life) will be completely ruined by hackers inflating and deflating your sleep number mattress while you're in bed.

The internet and the local Fox morning show have been awash with multiple segments about Beyonce's bleeding ear. One report had fans ripping out their own earrings. Still no word about her fans' eardrums.

• According to a Men's Health magazine poll on Faceyspaces, which might explain it, half of men shave or trim their leg hair. I find this almost as perplexing as this election.

As we can all agree, this election has been a Class A Shitshow. A dumpster fire extraordinaire. The Dirty Tricks Squad<tm> has been out in force. To give you an idea of what's been happening behind the scenes, check out this video on the Clinton campaign's Agitator Program<tm>.  Be certain that this happens on both sides of the alleged aisle. And it's only going to get dirtier from here.

• In Germany, a man turned himself in to the police, admitting that he put his baby up for sale on Ebay, but it was a joke. Apparently one cannot sell a baby on Ebay - who knew? Oh yeah, the police are only referring to the family as 'refugees'.

PornHub wants everyone to know that after the scary clown sightings, searches for clown porn went through the roof. This has been a public service announcement.

• After having won the Nobel Prize for Literature, the committee cannot reach Bob to work out details. This may be the coolest thing to happen since John Lennon returned his MBE to the Queen.

I'm not sure but it's possible Samsung has declared war on China. It seems Samsung did not include China in its initial recall of its fire-prone devices.

• Chinese media says emojis should be regulated. I agree but think they should be terminated with extreme prejudice

At a recent Amy Schumer appearance, some audience members walked out over her Trump-bashing. While I believe no one should have Amy inflicted upon them, they did pay for the tickets. Would you walk out on a comic for something like this?

• Lest we think my technical criticisms of the presidential candidates is one-sided, it has been discovered that Trump's organization is using the Windows Server 2003 operating system. Again, my love for Windows aside, Microsoft discontinued support for Server 2003 last year. This is inexcusable.
• Speaking of which, my digestion has been interrupted by news that Hillary considered Bill or Melinda Gates as VP candidates. The Official Campaign Move would be Kill Bill. Bill Clinton reported to be nervous. Truly the Axis if Evil.