If You've Got a Virus Up There, I'm Not Scanning for It

Let's start with some good old "hey, that's cool!"
Arcimoto is testing its electric rapid responder with a fire department
It's a 3 wheel electric vehicle. The fire company is having fun with it.  I always wanted to be a fireman, but I discovered there aren't a lot of positions for firemen who can't stand heights or when it gets too hot. Other than that, I'd be #1 on the squad.

• Huawei expects a 20% drop in phone sales, thanks to lack of Google apps
• Hell - if the hardware didn't come from China, the lack of Google apps would be a plus for everyone!

Dear Russia:
We have read many stories of alleged interference with our elections.
We have noticed a serious uptick in the number of Russian readers, for which we are thankful. IF any of you have come here to affect the next election, whoever you're getting your intel from is smoking crack again. This blog couldn't influence anyone's choice for lunch, no less an election.

I'm kidding.
Thanks for coming by.





Because of MASS PANIC over CORONAVIRUS, ridiculous steps are being taken, such as working from home. We did some research on occupations not yet endorsing work-from-home....

• pilot
• sanitation engineer
• breast lump checker
• dog
• bra fitter
• Well Heeled Oral Retention Expert.
• bus driver
• mob enforcer

• There's a reason Morning and Monday start with the same letter....

Jesse Jackson now endorses Bernie. This should cause your decision to be made, for or against.  Bernie said he'd endorse Biden, should Biden win. Reached for comment, Biden said, "The percolater's on the roof and the cardboard needs refreshing." At his last appearance, it took just over 20 seconds to start an argument about guns.

Biden extends lead over Sanders

---> in a tiny nod toward sanity, old white socialist losing ground.
---> in a nod toward Politics as Usual, old white, somewhat forgetful former VP whose former boss won't even endorse him, gains lead.


Let's step back for a moment and look at what we have here:

• on the rep side we have a president who was voted in as a protest and is the literal example of divide and conquer, even before he took office
• on the dem side, the primary field was shockingly... weird, led by a socialist.  At this point it's coming down to the socialist and the former VP, a cranky old guy who is prone to misstatements, forgetting things, and has the people skills of Kim Jong be Illin, without all that nasty self-confidence
• I weep for my country
• meanwhile, the best man for the job wears a boot on his head (and won the MA libertarian primary)

DHS claims 2020 will be the 'most secure' election in US history
Where were you when the first piece of software was a total failure?
These people couldn't secure their pocket change.

Exclusive: Critical U.S. Election Systems Have Been Left Exposed Online Despite Official Denials

“If nothing else works, a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through.”

~ General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett.

BULLETIN: Menstrual cup misuse can cause pelvic organ prolapse

I have questions....
WHAT is a menstrual cup?
Can you drink coffee from it?
Do you wear it on your head?
Why does it look like the front half of a condom?
How do you know if you're misusing it?

WARNING: we hope the veracity of this article is not tainted by a country that sends people to the gynaecologist.

• 10 actors you forgot guest-starred on Deadwood
• hint: Dusty Hill and Billy Gibbons

Today I identify as   a menstrual cup

• There are many kinds of fish, but 2% are mouthbreeders: they keep their fertilized eggs in their mouth
• ThermionicEmissions would never stoop to under-water blowjob jokes 

Each generation has its own cross to bear. The current one is "Life and struggle after YouTube fame".  As you giggle, remember this is called schadenfraude (joy in the misery of others).




CONTINUED CORONAVIRUS PANIC

People who can't spell their middle name have suddenly memorized COVID-19.

More BBC news: Health Minister Nadine Dorries tests positive for coronavirus.
Also: Iran's health minister tests positive for coronavirus
You can't make this stuff up....

US health insurers will cover costs of COVID-19 testing and treatment.

Coronavirus grows up: officially a pandemic!
PPPAAANNNNNIICCCC!

• One of the things my father will be remembered for was his love of Coast to Coast radio, with George Noory.  He called him Nardi. No one knows why.

Some people make the same mistakes over and over again, without noticing.
Some notice. Some insist on replicating the mistakes over and over again. As far as going to IHOP, I'm in the latter category. My mom likes it there and they're very consistent from restaurant to restaurant. Well, the food is rather consistent - the noise isn't.

Last time I asked for the No Screaming Children section and they sat me 3 feet away from a real screamer. This time there were about 4 tables full and an empty restaurant. We were roundly ignored til the cook took pity on us and found us a table.

Within minutes the table next to us broke out into bawling children.
Minutes later, the table on the other side went NUCLEAR, with the little gentleman screaming his fool head off at the top of his precious little lungs. His mother was practicing a new style of parenting... she simply ignored the Duke of Decibels and continued to give her order as if he weren't there screaming so loudly that the IHOP in the next town asked him to turn it down.

This gorgeous little man (I think - I can't tell by screams alone) continued to try outdoing the volume and ferocity of his previous outburst. Mom was quite consistent in her parenting: she consistently did not shut the child down. That took effort. And balls.

My mother, half deaf, kept jumping in her seat, as Bob Marley's Wailer exploded in shriekdom. At one point he was doing a story he wrote, with Spiderman and Batgirl in it, playing both parts simultaneously.

Four hours later, we noticed the side order of pancakes never appeared, so they brought it by, because they're nice that way.

As we can no longer stand the children and didn't bring hearing protection, we got ready to leave. At this point, the prime instigator kept leaping up, looking at my mother, then hiding. Much to our surprise, his mother's training program fell apart and she scolded him for jumping up. She did not say a word while Young Pavoratti serenaded several restaurants and blew out untold numbers of eardrums, but he could not be allowed to jump up in his seat.

My mother was aghast as we left. Her kids put her through hell, but only when they were teens. I hear stories that we were perfectly behaved when we went out. As you can tell, we got worse as we grew up. It's at times like these that I'm thankful for dogs. And maybe impotence.




Heroes of the Stupid

Florida seventh grader sends 41 to hospital when he mistakes pepper spray for body spray.

No Sex, Please - There's a New Star Wars

Unfortunately I've been saddled with Windows 10 at work. Further up on top of this is our Pages section. Read Windows 10 if you want to hear the stories.


"The Walt Disney Co. is asking exhibitors worldwide to warn moviegoers that Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker may pose a seizure risk to audience members with photosensitive epilepsy," 

[correction]
"The Walt Disney Co. is asking exhibitors worldwide to warn moviegoers that Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker ticket prices and tired, endless drawn-out sequels may pose a seizure risk to audience members" 

• RIP Marie Fredriksson (61), from cancer. Sang in Roxette (The Look, It Must've Been Love).

Dear lefty:  

• What's the difference between a smart tv and a dumb tv?
• Its owner

The man who called 911 to report that he was injured by his homemade contraption, which authorities thought was a nuclear reactor may be charged with inducing a panic. There was no radiation, no nuclear power, and the device was a homemade capacitor.  The neighborhood was evacuated for a few hours. The guy didn't purposely incite panic. Now that his neighbors know who he is, he'll no doubt be very popular with them.   Hey Bob, I need a few capacitors - can you whip me up something in the garage? 



Tesla wants to clean windshields with laser beams.
I want people to clean my entire car with bikinis.

• Check this out, by Richard Dolan - a great ufo researcher and author. Watch a few of his videos and make up your own mind.

Today I identify as  a folding chair

In his latest emission, Bernie Sanders promised free high-speed internet for all.  He also announced free houses, free cars, and free wildly-increased taxes.

• Your privacy is gone - you just don't know it yet

Mercedes Benz and Bosch are testing self-driving taxis in San Jose.

What kind of leap of faith does this require? Drive - watch out for that.....OW!

Essential smart tv security tips to protect your privacy.

1. don't buy a smart tv (good luck)
2. don't plug it into a network
3. if the FBI has issued a warning about smart tv's, you should probably start taking an interest (they're just jealous)
4. READ the agreements before blindly agreeing
5. read the article

Yes, I want to go to the recording studio

But they use Macs. 

As soon as they hit RECORD, either the Mac or I will sizzle

This is a predicament.

Work asked me for a personal development plan.
How the hell should I know? Nobody ever discussed it with me.
Guess I'll have to wing it...

• Develop my ability to keep the job
• Develop skills to answer any boss in the correct way, so they leave me alone, while feeling satisfied
• Develop raise-earning strategies
• Develop ways of ensuring that my skills do not make me look like a leader - just a bright tech guy. Don't make me manage people!
• Knowing when to stop. Also, the ability to stop

Cinnamon Coke?
Revolutionary.
Also new for 2020: Oregano Coke, Garlic Coke, Diesel Exhaust Coke, and Orange Vanilla Diet Coke.   Oops, one of those already exists. Guess which one.

Science News: licelike insects munched on dinosaur feathers around 100 million years ago.  Politics truly is the oldest profession.

Heroes of the Stupid  

5 myths that anti-porn crusaders keep repeating

Ring footage will give location to the square inch. So get out there and buy!
Get another for inside the house!

AT&T is raising DirecTV prices again, despite losing millions of customers.
Then they'll complain while customers continue to drop cable.

SJW Silliness   

Greta Thunberg is on the cover of Time, as their Person of the Year.
Fighting the patriarchy does pay!

Do not mourn - celebrate a man who lived life entirely on his own terms

There Are Some Days, and This Is One

This is the kind of thing we read this blog for: a Michigan highway billboard was hacked to play porn for 15-20 minutes. This is positive hacking. They destroyed nothing, made some people happy, possibly caused some outrage and a car crash, and everybody gets a funny story. I'd avoid the rush, however, to move to Michigan, as police have a bit of video and are searching for the perps.

For those of you who are upset about their work computer being locked down, there's a fake browser update that will infect the entire network with banking trojans. If you're locked down and updates are automatically installed for you, this won't matter.

Anyone who has read at least one of these entries knows of my great love for Faceyspaces. Well, it hurts like hell, but I have to back Faceyspaces. No, really.  Attorney General Bill Barr, along with the UK and Australia, is about to ask Lord Zuck not to go ahead with his plans for end-to-end encryption across its messaging services until it can guarantee the added privacy does not reduce public safety.

When you're done producing filling for your barf bag, allow me to translate: We, the Five Eyes, are rather upset at your attempt to keep all of your information away from our five prying eyes. If you don't leave everything wide open or accept one of our Extremely Safe Backdoors, you are making it very difficult for us to steal scan your information for terroristic threats and to keep the world safe from democracy. Because everybody except lefty and two of his friends uses Faceyspaces, it is our largest source of information. If you do not allow us access, we will convince the founder of Faceyspaces, the NSA, to allow us access.

Remember when back doors were something fun?



Dear lefty

• How do you categorize people?
• There are only 2 classes of people: Munsters and Addams Family

Today I identify as a shrubbery



China recently celebrated 70 years of communism with parades and displays of weapons. And riots and a shooting of a protester. The people of the People's Republic also celebrate, but only when they're told to.

In unrelated news, The US celebrated their public education system by publishing these stunning results: first in spending of any country per student, 38th in results.

In yet still more actively unrelated news, Maria Bartiromo reports that... well... I don't really care - look at that face. She's a classic.

In related news, police are filing criminal charges against the person they shot during the riots.    I always say, "If you shoot them, they'll never do it again."  

The young man will be charged with rioting and assaulting a policeman.
Back in Tianamen Square, the lone protester was finally charged with assaulting a tank.

No thank you, I'd rather spend a few weeks with with Richard Nixon, in his  underground bunker.

• Every now and then, one must give thanks for even random positive events: today I'm thankful that the new project will no longer require Windows 10. I argued so politely and so strenuously, they redid the project just for me.
• Sometimes a good thing comes in the middle of tragedy. This is one.

Bernie Sanders, genial old Silly Person, noted communist, and inveterate alpaca plooker, said there should be no more billionaires*. What a funny old dude. He says random sentences with 'free' in them, generating cheers from his fanbase; like Bruce Springsteen, but much more expensive.

*Unrelated news: Billionaires said there should be no more Bernie Sanders.

• Today I want to share something of great import. I feel it will enrich your life and keep your kids happy too. Unfortunately I already forgot what it is. The mind is a terrible thing to... ummmm...

I am proud to let everyone know I like Orange Crush.
I am proud to raise my eyebrow upon seeing a bottle of Watermelon Crush.
I am proud to say eewwwwwwwwww upon tasting it. Yes, they got it right, but watermelon soda? Join my campaign for Kidney Stone Crush.





When a reporter for the United States Army Training and Doctrine Command interviewed Frank Zappa for the Command's news syndicate, the story was held by a superior who demanded that Zappa - who had been rather hard on the Army - answer one more question: just who does he think will defend the country without the Army?

Zappa's reply: "From what? The biggest threat to America today is its own federal government.... Will the Army protect anybody from the FBI? The CIA? The Republican party? The Democratic party? The biggest dangers we face today don't even need to sneak past our billion-dollar defense system... they issue the contracts for them."

The interview was not run.

We need Frank more than ever today....





Heroes of the Stupid

A federal judge ruled that Harvard University’s undergraduate admissions program is constitutional, rejecting a challenge accusing the school of discrimination against Asian American applicants.

In a decision released on Tuesday, US district judge Allison Burroughs in Boston said that while Harvard’s admissions program is not perfect, “the court will not dismantle a very fine admissions program that passes constitutional muster, solely because it could do better”.   Reached for comment, the KKK was outraged that their Harvard admissions will be capped at 20%.

Why is my cable bill so ridiculous? It couldn't be because of added fees, could it?



SJW Time

University and College Union apologises after failing to include Jews on list of groups of Holocaust victims (the Jewish Chronicle).

It described how the Nazis had persecuted groups such as “trade unions, including social democrats and Communists”, “Europe’s Roma and Sinti people”, “Black people”, “disabled people”, “freemasons”, “gay and lesbian people”, “Jehovah’s witnesses” and “'asocials’, which included beggars, alcoholics, drug addicts prostitutes and pacifists” were persecuted by the Nazi regime.

The international section in your supermarket is racist. The food is segregated.

sometimes you need to keep your soda cold

Ants in My Toilet, Skip to Loo Two

Many GPS trackers are shipped with the default password 123456. Many users don't change them.  In fact, many users change their other passwords to 123456.



Hurricane Dorian did untold damage to the Bahamas. It's even worse than anyone thought, with 200+mph winds. Although not a US territory, they asked for aid. Nassau is the staging ground. They need everything and are grateful for the aid. Nancy Pelosi hosted a gathering of Congress to see what they could do. Their solution was to officially blame Trump for the hurricane.

Fortunately, Dorian was downgraded to a Category One hurricane. Gavin Newsome, governor of California, introduced legislation to restore Dorian to Category Five, because he doesn't want Dorian's feelings to be hurt by the downgrade.

Speaking of the CIA, George H.W. Bush's Maine home was demolished by a hurricane in 1991. He had the hurricane shot and buried where no one would find it.

• AUSTRALIA: Around 2,000 people have planned a massive barbecue in Perth, outside the home of a vegan woman who took her neighbour to court because she could smell barbecued meat in her backyard.

A Beijing company has cloned their first cat, Garlic (great name).
They started with dogs, but things turned evil and now they clone cats. This is a metaphor for things to come.




Having had four dogs is an education in cleaning, mostly vacuuming. We have gone through untold amounts of vacuums, with all sorts of failures and excuses. I know in the past that people managed to have dogs without their houses looking like an assembly line to make stuffed animals. The first 3 dogs were black, which did a tremendous job of remaining hidden, unless you were wearing white. Penny is red, which is like golden with a red tinge. After a few trips in the car, it is now full of red hair (including the roof). Within an hour of getting out, people ask passengers if they have a dog. The bigger issue is the rug in the house. This rant will repeat each time I vacuum (yearly). Our cheap little vacuum, which surprised us by outperforming expensive ones, can pick up a Tesla. Unfortunately it can't pick up dog hair, preferring instead to equitably redistribute it across the room, like Socialism for Dog Hair.  It's like a huge red tint on the carpet. For Christmas we're deciding on whether to build a new dog, or somehow graft it to the places where it's missing on my head.



Every now and then I like a phrase or name that rolls off the tongue pleasantly. The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band is not one. This was a band featuring Neil Innes, who went on to write music for Monty Python and appear in their movies and shows.



The malicious former dictator of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, died at age 95 in Singapore. The avowed socialist died in a different country, being attended to by private doctors, in a private hospital.  [Sky News]  Quick - somebody call Bernie!

Speaking of Comrade Bernie, he is under fire for intimating that we should use abortion for population growth, against climate change.

Buoyed by the interest in this position, Bernie released a couple more 'good ideas' he has:

• Nuking China to get rid of those horrible white masks
• Poisoning the water to eliminate North Korea's ridiculous hairdo
• Killing baby seals to protest Japan's whaling industry
• donating a few of his houses to fellow comrades who don't have one

No thank you, I'd rather tell the president he's wrong about something.



Dear lefty

• Things are just starting and I'm already tired of the 2020 elections. Who should I vote for?
• Sirhan Sirhan

Unfortunately, Sirhan was recently stabbed in jail. While recovering, the rest of the unit decided to show their support by giving him a nickname. Say hello to Sirhan 'Sirhan' Sirhan.

Heroes of the Stupid

Jussie Smollett lawyers: Even if actor faked attack, cops didn’t need to investigate it so vigorously.



SJW Sightings


Sacramento bar under fire for new dress code which critics call a modern-day 'WHITES ONLY' sign

When you tell women and girls to learn self-defense, or carry weapons against rapists, you're not reducing rape. You're just saying "let him rape someone more vulnerable."

Stop calling for dystopias. Start working to end patriarchy. Make a world BEYOND RAPE.  [Twitter]

Be Careful Not to Catch Kubernetes

One of the signs of the end of 'civilization' has arrived: there is an attack for android that uses the accelerometer to 'listen' and transmit the results to an attacker.

Microsoft, Google, and Apple clouds are banned in Germany's schools. They do not satisfy Germany's privacy standards.  Pay close attention to the section on Windows 10 telemetry.  There is also a city government in Germany that jettisoned Windows for linux.

Here's 100 linux command line commands explained, for your linux pleasure. No, linux does not have to be run from the command line - it can look just like Windows or anything else.


You're probably bored with your drone and need a little more excitement. Boy, are you in luck: Throwflame has a drone, complete with flamethrower. 

How about those new USB-C cables? Did you know there are 6 different kinds, that all look the same? My brain hurts.

2300 National Health Service (UK) computers are running Win XP.
I told you socialized medicine is no good.




Say thanks.
Some of the most underappreciated people are those who work at the counter or behind the scenes. People who may know you when you come in to use their services. Some are even downright friendly.

Next time you go to one of these places (vet, doctor's office, etc), bring something along, if you appreciate their service. Nobody else does, and the reaction is open-mouthed surprise. Thank the person who gave you a later appointment when you overslept, or who got something done for you faster than usual. Bring a donut or a dozen. Coffee. Candy. It costs little and means a lot.



Dear lefty

• What is phishing?
• When people who can't spell stick their thing in the water to catch stuff

NATO mistakenly published the location of 150 US nuclear warheads in Europe. Pure genius. Also, the US is reportedly spending up to $10 billion to modernize this arsenal.

1. can I have a few of the old ones?
2. I TOLD YOU about the dangers of Big Government and the Military Industrial Complex. Endless war. Your money is paying for this. Imagine how much more of your own money you'd have if the military were for a strong defense only... you could more than afford ridiculously expensive health insurance.
3. President Eisenhower said this about the Military Industrial Complex

Irony Runs Thick

Bernie Sanders' campaign workers are demanding a $15/hr "living wage" and 100% free healthcare for those earning under $60k.  The campaign has thus far resisted.

UPDATE: unable to take the battering of the Irony Squad, workers were granted $15/hr. And had their hours cut.

• I'm telling you, pick up some YooHoo in juice boxes and put it in the fridge. Your taste buds will thank you.

Coworker Follies

ME: asks can you please see if you can find this for me? I can't find it.
HIM: when is the meeting?
ME: what meeting
HIM: the meeting with Bob's Incorporated
ME: I'm not aware of any meeting
HIM: the one with Bob's
ME: I'm still not aware of any meeting
HIM: you sent me an email, asking me about the meeting
ME: no, I sent you an email, asking you to FIND this in the Bob Box. If it makes you happy, you can meet with Bob's.
HIM: No thank you. I'm confused.
ME: I concur.

There is such a basic level of miscommunication, it sounds like we're married.

• Don't let them hoodwink you and charge you extra: guacamole is frog in a blender.

A woman claims Taco Bell served her a 'doorknob' in her nachos.
The joke's on her - it was the healthiest part of the meal.

• Remember the Mosquito? The device that emits high frequencies that only 20 somethings can hear, but not 30s. It's to repel people, like in riots. Well, it's being used in public parks in Philthydelphia. The city that wants your guns, taxes your sugary beverages, and is proud to be a sanctuary city.
• The city is using a riot tool to keep people out of city parks after dark.

There's some sort of problem with the way humans hear and (hopefully) comprehend. It comes in 2 forms: phone and email. The words in capitals are the words the person hears....

PHONE
Hi - I want to kill your daughters HI BOB - HOW ARE YA?

for some reason, people don't hear the first words you say.


EMAIL
1. DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE REPORTS ARE?
2. Would you like a raise?

you will get an answer to 1 but not a word about 2. This applies to anything you ask for with 2 topics or more.



We always like to think our children are gorgeous and bright. I know mine is gorgeous, but the jury is out on bright. Last night, she somehow managed to get a rear paw nail caught around her ear. Same this morning. We thought maybe she was special.

During her final chemo appointment, they put a bandage around her leg. She was trying to get it off.

Maybe if I hide, no one will see me...

The results are in, and Penny is CANCER FREE!
The vets are happy for us and for themselves, because they want her back every 3 months for Very Expensive Tests.




Florida man arrested for "being awesome" after throwing his son into the ocean to 'teach him to swim'.  The police did not think I was awesome for throwing the neighbor into the ocean.



SJW Antics

The Apollo program was designed by men, for men. If we do not acknowledge the gender bias of the early space program, it becomes difficult to move past it
[New York Times]

The People's Republic of Berkeley, CA, is removing all gendered language from city code. No more He and She - now it's They. Including rest rooms.

Instagram is hiding 'likes' in Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Ireland, Italy, Japan, and Brazil, in the hope it will make people feel less judged.

Every woman has a right to have her scrotum waxed  [twitter]

Ivanka Trump mocked for giving 'all white' dog to her daughter.  [Newsweek]

Children of color make up more than half the student population—but only 20% of public school teachers are people of color. Our plan will devote $500 million per year to create-world class teacher academies at MSIs and HBCUs, so more students can have teachers who look like them.  [Beto O'Rourke]

Trump Announces Run for Re-Election in 2020

Donald Trump, otherwise known as The Prez, announced he will be running for re-election in 2020.  For coverage of the reaction, we go to NBC, and our correspondent, Vince Scum. Vince, what do you see?

[nods head, like they all do when going to a remote reporter] Yes, thank you, Bob. Large scale fainting has already been reported in California, which causes concern over the San Andreas Fault. The people who reject reality are updating their "Not My President 2016" signs to "Not My President 2020".  New twitter hashtags are ready (#NotMyPresidentAgain), and neck muscles are being built up for shaking their heads in abject denial. Reached for comment, Nancy Pelosi said, "Peanut Butter."

A huge list of celebrities say if Trump wins (again), they're moving to the moon. This comes on the heels of a huge list of celebrities saying they were going to leave the country if Trump won in 2016. To date, none have kept their promise. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, who was on that list, was not available for comment, but the faint sound of snoring was heard from behind her office door.

Thanks, Bob.
Thank you, Vince.
Now for the reaction on the right, we go to Audi Porsche, from NPR. Audi, what's the word from the right?

[nods head, like they all do when going to a remote reporter] Thank you, Bob. I've been rather upset over this most recent event. We put together a panel of experts to tell you why the president is wrong.

Thank you, Audi. Now let's go over to Vince Snetterton-Lewis, a wombat.

[nods head, like they all do when going to a remote reporter] Sits there, staring at the screen.

Thank  you, Vince.  Little known fact: wombats are members of the refrigerator family.

Wait, I'm hearing we have someone actually on the ground, who's actually going to report on the Right's reaction - we go to Vince Hogg, in Texas. Vince?

[nods head, like they all do when going to a remote reporter] Thank you, Bob. As you can see, I'm here at the future site of Trump Re-election Headquarters, in the parking lot of the NRA, right by Charlton Heston's grave.  The NRA tells us that sales are suddenly in a slump. Barack Obama gave the largest boost to gun sales in the history of the country, and sales were up after the school shooting in Florida, bless the children and their families. The moment Trump announced, people stopped panic-buying.

Can you hear the cheering, Bob? That's the sound of pickup truck dealers all over the country. Just today, pickup sales have gone through the roof. The governor of Texas has announced two new plants are being built to manufacture oversize Merkin flags and bumper stickers, bringing four hundred and one jobs to Houston. Back to you, Bob.

That was Vince Hogg, in Texas. Few people know this, but up until today, Vince was an exotic dancer and part-time spoon at a very prestigious restaurant in Dallas.

As one would expect, social media has been a war zone ever since the announcement. Instagram features selfies with various lawn signs, Faceyspaces is aghast and everyone with an account is forwarding everything to everyone, resulting in another day at Faceyspaces. The largest reaction was on twitter, where a collective aneurysm occurred, then the hashtags started to be slung. Then all was silent except back-slapping and high fives, as twitter management put into effect its surprise new policy, where anybody who says "Trump" or anything negative about liberals is guilty of Hate Speech and thrown off immediately. This isn't too different from twitter's former policy, where conservatives were thrown off for insulting protected minorities. Over at GAB, the free speech network, servers were buckling under the load. People who managed to get in reported whooping and gunshots at the largest celebration they'd ever seen online. Even the actual nazis there were in good humor, although they blamed Trump's previous victory on the Jews who run everything.

At Democratic Headquarters, a look of confusion mixed with horror is the uniform of the day. Democratic leaders say they fully expect to lose win the 2020  election, on the strength of their performance in the 2016 election. The Committee to Blame Another Country for Interfering in the Election is already formed and working feverishly on a hemisphere. The early indication is some place that ends in -stan. Off the table is Israel, which has pictures of all of them at the Donkey Show. Not mentioned are any possible candidates, but rumor has it that the list includes Barbara Streisand, who is also on the list to move to the moon if Trump wins, and the attendees of the Emmy, Grammy, and Tony awards. Speculation is that the field will also include a jellyfish, Barbara Feinstein's cat, several small bits of bellybutton lint, and Chelsea Clinton (who has already been declared the winner).

Things are all atwitter at Libertarian Party Headquarters, where they expect their greatest chance of winning in the history of the party. The thought here is that, judging by their humiliation in the last election and Trump's great momentum, Democrats might vote libertarian. This is because their candidates may not be able to win, even though they have 'friends' in the election business. To further their chances, dems just purchased livertarian.org, hoping nobody will notice the difference. Meanwhile the libertarians, in an official statement, said they expect to have a candidate by 2019 but don't expect to be allowed to debate or get listed at the polls. The candidate will be likeable, mild-mannered, and know exactly where Aleppo is. Unfortunately he won't know where Canada is. In order to avoid the disgusting spectacle of last year's convention, where one delegate appeared in nothing but a left sock, they are hiring Ted Nugent to reprise his old stage bit of wearing a loincloth, swinging from a rope, and shooting flaming arrows at a picture of Hillary Clinton, while simultaneously playing a guitar solo.

Approached for comment on Trump's announcement, the Green Party said, "Who's Trump?"

Perennial candidate Vermin Supreme will be in the running too. He has modified his platform of dental health and a free pony to dental health and free guns, in order to court undecided Second Amendment supporters. The other perennial candidate, Pat Paulsen, has chosen to remain dead.

First to the mic, though, was Bernie Sanders. Bernie wants everybody to know that we all deserve free education. And free houses, with free cars in their free driveways. Unfortunately, he won't be running this year, as Hillary told him not to and bought him another free house, bringing his total to seven.

All is hushed at Trump HQ, while potential running mates are discussed.  On the short list are Eva Braun, Bob Dole's arm, and Jared from Subway - a man who truly represents both parties.

Trump campaign spokesperson, Judge Judy, released a picture of Donald sitting on his golden toilet and smiling that smile.

Special Non-Olympic Edition

Since this is the non-Olympic edition, I'll open with an Olympic-related matter.
Notice some of the athletes appearing with what looks like pepperonis on their backs? This is called fire cupping. In brief, a large baby food jar gets its air evacuated by a small flame and stuch onto a person's back. This provides relief for all sorts of maladies, fibromyalgia and fascia disorders among them. The vacuum in the jar helps pull at the skin and other layers, ultimately causing those pepperonis.

We at ThermionicEmissions are amused by this, as Mrs lefty had this treatment about twenty years ago, Don't we sound like hipsters? The only issue was visiting a hospital at the time, when the staff asked her if she was being abused because they had never heard of it. We're an interesting household.

• Up to 900 million android phones are at risk due to a flaw in Qualcomm chips. The bug has been fixed but your phone carrier has to do whatever phone carriers do to it before they send it to your phone. Breaking my heart, this is the bad part of android. But, as we say here, at least it's not an iDevice.

Why is it that women complain when people comment on a tv host's wardrobe but it's ok to publicly grope male athletes?

• There's a young guy at work who answers his phone "FBI." It's heartwarming to see a younger version of me, opening his trap inappropriately, without regard. He will go far (if he's not fired on the way).

Thinking of purchasing a new, computer-controlled car? Jeep was just hacked, allowing acceleration, brake slamming, and turning the wheel at any speed from outside the car.

• The dog continues his grief over his missing cat. We tried some sort of scent that's supposed to remind him of his mother. We're having some difficulty determining if it works, as we can only use it when we're not in the house. As he's still barking at the door when we leave, I'm thinking no. Next step: pharmaceuticals. It's only a matter of time until we're all on the same meds. The vet is talking Ativan.

AIRLINE NEWS:

So Delta experienced a 'power outage', which took down the entire airline on Monday. The power outage quickly morphed into a 'computer outage' and very limited functionality was restored by the afternoon. One day later, they're still pretty messed up.

Once again, I need to point out that there's a serious problem with aviation these days.  This is approximately the fourth airline that has had computer issues in the last year. What kind of infrastructure do our airlines have?  Airlines and the Federal Aviation Administration are pretty important are pretty important functions. Important functions require all sorts of important infrastructure. I'm talking about basic things like at least two sources of power, at least two paths to the internet, at least two data centers, with automatic failover to the second one, reliable backups with functional (and tested) restore, a whole buncha spare parts onsite...  are you getting the idea? If I, in my various jobs, did not have these things, I'd be out on the street the first time there was a power outage (or a computer outage). I have heard from insiders that some of the airline infrastructure is old because the bean counters emphasize profits over equipment.

One article I read stated that this might be a human issue. I'd hope that a human could not take down an entire airline by himself, regardless of what he did to the computer. Yesterday it emerged that their power company said there was an outage, but Delta's equipment failed to switch over to a different provider.

Before any significant news came out, we were assured that this wasn't hacking. This is precisely the same M.O. when there's a shooting: "We don't have any details, but it's not terrorism." I'm not saying that Delta was hacked, but after at least four airline outages, do you think any of the airlines or the FEDERAL Aviation Association would admit to a hacking? Perhaps there were four separate instances of computer outages....I certainly don't know. Decide for yourself.

• I hate like hell to descend to the depths of tabloidism, but here is a small collection of Leonardo DiCaprio's dating stall. Any of us could have a wonderful time with his rejects.

An Indian political activist is ending a 16-year fast.

16 years.

Fast.

As a result, the laws of medicine will be reinstated and thousands of women will want a copy of the regimen. It will become the most attempted diet of all time.

• A Philippine lawmaker wants to ban Donald Trump from the country. Like him or hate him, he sure generates headlines. I'm amused that he gets so much response from people outside of his own country. Meanwhile, democrats also want to ban Trump from the country.

Led Zeppelin has lost a legal bid to recoup almost $800,000 in legal fees from the recent lawsuit. The judge refused because the suit wasn't frivolous. The law is the law but let $800,000 in legal fees soak in.

• At the Olympics, Rowing in Rio was cancelled because the water kept eating through the bottom of the boats. No reschedule dates have been mentioned.

Today's Faceyspaces news: Facebook will now bypass your desktop browser's adblocker. FB and Google own 64% of the digital ad market - do the math.  So if you need yet another reason to dump FB, here it is. I get the feeling it won't matter to many- except my fine readers here.

• Bernie Sanders just bought his third luxury home, at a cost of $600 million. After he asked nicely, they allowed him to pay for it with a check from the Hillary for President campaign.

Filibustering Democracy

The democrats interrupted a moment of silence for the victims of the Orlando shooting to filibuster to advance their anti-gun agenda.

• Taylor Swift News: Word has reached our ears that Taylor Swift's last boyfriend has been replaced by a new boyfriend. As we know, I have worked tirelessly to figure out why I am not fond of her; she's attractive, which is generally enough. Maybe it's because her music sucks eggs. Regardless, I must go with results and congratulate Ms. Swift: she has advanced equality light years by going through men just like male stars go through women. She's like Slash but taller, female, blonde haired, and seemingly without much instrumental talent.

Searchers have found the black box of EgyptAir 804. Meanwhile, Flight MH370 still successful in remaining missing.

• Know those round caramel candies with the white cream in the middle? Yesterday we discovered that spaniels really like them. We'd be shocked but we're too busy not being shocked.

At least they flush the toilet: At the work kitchenette, someone left the water running. Not to be outdone, someone else blew up a soda can in the freezer. There are bits of frozen soda all over the shelf, as well as a shredded soda can.

• There is an Islamic text on the right way to beat your wife. Just in case you were doing it wrong.

Three New York police commissioners have been arrested on corruption charges. They gave their people sodas that were larger than 16 ounces.

• Why is there no label on forks that says, "WARNING: do NOT poke yourself in eyes with this"?

Bernie Sanders has admitted 'it doesn't appear' that he'll be the nominee. Marilyn Manson still campaigning for Nobel Peace Prize.

• The Democrats have started a House sit-in on the floor for gun control. They need to show they're serious by holding their breath while they jump up and down during their fit. In other news, the old folks in the party needed to have their legs amputated after their circulation stopped from sitting on the floor.

Transvaginal Mesh

McDonalds salads have more calories than their Big Mac. What did I tell you about rabbit food?

• Coldplay is honored to play at the Superbowl but they 'know nothing about football'  Or music.

RIP Edgar Mitchell (85), Apollo 14, 6th man to walk on the moon. Lived a very interesting and productive life post-moon.

• A Temple University professor has stated that listing gender on official forms is nonsensical. I dunno - have you seen some of their students?

I just heard someone say 'Awesome Sauce'. When I'm president, that phrase will get you 6 years in jail.

• And speaking of the death penalty, if I hear the words Superbowl, Coldplay, Beyonce, halftime, or commercials....

Today in Upside Down World, a Chicago cop is suing the family of a teenager he fatally shot for $10 million, claiming emotional distress. You simply cannot make this shit up.

Continuing the theme, California has issued 605,000 drivers licenses to illegal aliens. Somebody has an agenda here but I'm not smart enough to figure out what it is.

In case you missed hearing about the University of Missouri, the VP of the students association is tired of the  First Amendment because it's creating a "hostile" and "unsafe" environment.

• A frozen lake used as a parking lot at the annual Winter Fest in Wisconsin melts, sending cars plunging into the water.  Hmmm.. parking on ice over a lake... weather forecast... who could have seen this coming?

Nanny State New York Mayor Bill de Blasio unveiled new regulations for crane safety in the wake of the recent crane collapse.  You know, try not to fall over and kill people. 

• Bored in London? Stop by Jimi Hendrix's apartment. The decor is a bit reconstructed by his former girlfriend, Kathy Etchingham, but it's history. Handel lived there too, sorta. There's a great story about Jimi giving tours to lovers of Handel. CORRECTION: Jimi died from sleeping pills, not the generic 'drug overdose'.

Gwyneth Paltrow is taking the stand in the case against her seventeen-year long stalker. He must not be much of a stalker if this has gone on for seventeen years. Perhaps prison will provide some remedial stalking lessons for him.

• HEADLINE OF THE WEEK: Mutant sperm-factories spread in men's testicles as they age to increase the risk of children with genetic diseases, researchers have shown.

A man has been arrested for lobbing a three foot alligator through a fast food drive-in window. He should not be punished-he should be rewarded. Every one of us, at some point, has wanted to throw a live alligator through a fast food window, haven't we?

Speaking of which, Chipotle will close their restaurant if anyone barfs. This will prove quite problematic should McDonalds adopt the same policy.

• A migrant headed to Spain managed to hide himself, strapped into a car's rear bumper. For some unknown reason, he got nabbed. That had to be a hell of a ride.

It's a very interesting time to be alive, at least for us Little People. The Powers That Be (PTB) have a more difficult time putting things over on us due to the near instant communication available these days. If it weren't a problem, countries wouldn't be rushing to censor or stop the Net. Anything large happening tends to appear online for monitoring.

There are a few mobile apps for monitoring police/fire scanners from all over the world, the best being Scanner Radio (free for android, not sure about others). From home, you can monitor all this at broadcastify.com (where the mobile feeds come from). Reddit (.com) has live feeds for large events. 

Twitter may be the fastest and most complete, yet overloading and frustrating. You can set up a search for whatever you want, in real time. Last night I monitored the situation with the group occupying the bird sanctuary in Oregon, on Twitter. So much info that I couldn't read it as it zipped by onscreen. Youtube carried audio being broadcast from inside the building on many different channels. The FBI had surrounded the building and was demanding their surrender, using all sorts of obvious tactics. I have no doubt that the situation would have turned out differently (READ: ugly) if they weren't livestreaming from inside the building.

This is a tremendous step up from days we relied upon mass media for our (quite biased) information (regardless of how we feel or the legality of the event). Perhaps the internet should get a Nobel Peace Prize, as opposed to warlike presidents.

• Regardless of how you feel about him, Bernie Sanders could potentially be the first Jewish president. Think of the implications... remember the shit-storm when Kennedy was the first Catholic?
• Hanukkah would be a national holiday with eight days off
• Only kosher hot dogs will be served at stadiums
• No more bacon cheeseburgers
• Two sets of dishes at the White House
• Weekly bombing of Iran.
• Anti Defamation League will make up his Cabinet (and drawers)
• Everyone entering the White House will have to wear a beanie, but we'll call it a Bernie
• All press conferences to begin with "Oy vay"
• Contracts will be negotiated for wholesale pricing only
• All disputes solved by using guilt

More than 100 schools have been closed in Bangalore due to sightings of leopards. And here in PA/US, schools close after a forecast of 1/2" snow.

• Noted without comment: How to file your 2015 taxes for free.

The Presidential Clown Car

There are so many people running for president that ThermionicEmissions put together a brief comparison of the major candidates so you don't have to. I'm sure this matrix will allow you to make a more informed choice for next person to occupy the White House. Another public service from the liberty-minded folks here at ThermionicEmissions.

	Donald Trump	Vermin Supreme	Bernie Sanders	me
Party	Republican	Free Pony Party	Democrat	Left-Handed Party
Most Notable	Endorsed by ex-wife, who he did not rape	Only bona-fide American Presidential Candidate to actually donate a living organ	Socialist	The best left-handed guitarist on his block
Best Known for	That thing on his head	Wearing a boot as a hat and carrying a large toothbrush	Socialist	Male Pattern Baldness, unsuccessful blogger
Platform	Let all the damn wetbacks in	Zombie apocalypse awareness (and zombie-based energy plan), time travel research (in order to go back and kill Hitler before he was born)	Take away all guns	Jail the Kardashians, force Congress to use Obamacare
Slogan	I've got $9 billion and you don't	Screw world peace - I want a pony	The accent Trump wishes he had	Running with scissors for YOU

	Hillary Clinton	Libertarians	Chris Christie	Rick Santorum
Party	Democrat	Libertarian?	Donut	Barefoot and Pregnant
Most Notable	The only woman Bill wouldn't sleep with	Ron Paul	Stopping traffic out of spite, blaming it on others	Didn't realize Intelligent Design was religiously motivated
Best Known for	Sucking out all bodily fluids from Vince Foster	No government spying	Using storm aid for ads	Pennsylvania's emarrassment
Platform	Whatever the Bilderbergers, Trilaterals and Council on Foreign Relations say, personal servers for me alone	Maximum freedom, minimum government, free market healthcare (because that worked so well before), stop 'exporting freedom'	Shouting down anyone who disagrees, lap band surgery in every pot (belly)	Intelligent design, no birth control, no same sex marriage, deregulate pro wrestling, waterboarding
Slogan	I ran the White House for eight years - what the hell else do you want?	Leave us alone	Shut up!	My values are the country's values

Since I don't want to unduly influence you, dear readers, here is a list of famous libertarians:

Squint Eastwood, Vince Vaughn, Ayn Rand, Chris Rock, Christina Ricci, Dave Barry, David Letterman, David Lynch, Dean Koontz, Denis Leary, Dennis Rodman (his nose rings are reportedly voting for Hillary), Donald Fagen (Steely Dan), Howard Stern, Matt Stone+Trey Parker (South Park), Penn&Teller (Penn&Teller), Kurt Russell, Drew Carey, Frank Zappa (absentee ballot), Gene Simmons, Hugh Downs, John Malkovich, Matt Drudge, Matt Groening (Simpsons), Neil Peart (Rush), Raquel Welch (I rest my case), Robert Duvall, Tom Selleck and Tommy Chong (enthusiastic marijuana user)