Do NOT Press the Red Button. NOT Red. Ok?

Your love is like  broken glass underwear

• Maybe if I say "the sofa told me to bomb that building," I can get it taken away free.

Today I identify as  male pattern baldness

• Why do so many horror movies have a dance scene at a high school gym?

 It's the weekend. Some weekend. I got up at the crack of 2pm and stumbled around, looking for the coffee machine. It was days ago, but it's always International Coffee Day for us. We found a new barbecue place and were excited to go. Well one of us was more excited than the other, apparently. The other announced she/they were taking a nap. Napping, as you know, is not conducive to getting bbq. It is also not conducive to getting pizza, Chinese, or a nice Brazilian wax.

I politely waited for the nap to end, neglecting to perform my brand new concerto for cymbals and explosives. It's a real hummer and the end's a real bang. Eventually I heard the stirring. Then the walking. To and fro, to and fro. Then the bathroom. Back to the bedroom. Hall for a bit. Bathroom again. Guys, we're all smart enough to know we'll never understand women. We won't even get close, so there's no point obsessing or being mad about it. Twenty minutes later she pops down. I figured she must've been getting dressed in something special to take that long. Yes, they were special jeans, with special holes in them. And she's always the better dressed of us. Twenty minutes.

I'm ready to go out to the car, but I know better. Wait... wait... wait..... she has to figure out which coat to wear - it's starting to get chilly. Where's her phone? Normal guys would be very mad and very loud by this time. I am not normal and the doctors have told me it's not healthy, as has my lawyer.

Oh, wait. I bought flowers for the neighbor for the favor she did for us. I better give her some jam too.

Why can't you just give her the flowers, like you said? 

It was a really big favor. See this card?

Of course there's a card too. 

The technique on the front is called frontechnique. It's brand new and very fancy.

That's magnificent. Should we give them a vacuum too? Better yet, a mower!  

Just go to the car.

[the phrase guaranteeing longevity in relationships]  Yes, Dear.

I drive to the restaurant. The first thing we see is a large Eagles banner, with the schedule for the season. 

Uh-oh.

You see those kinds of things on sports bars. I'm here to eat barbecue. Out of the car, I stand there like a dolt. Why? Because of the thing that controls my life: cigarettes. I have to stand there because part of a cigarette must be smoked before we go into any building. Since most people don't like smoke, we stand further out. Then I wait. And wait. And take the time to wait.

Finally in the restaurant, we discover it's not a restaurant, it's a sports bar. The little voices in my head are no longer little, and they're telling me stuff it would be better not to repeat, especially in a sports bar. They were kind enough to suggest there's a table in back. When they say there's a table in back, it means there's a table outside, in the gray rain, in a little shed, and somebody's already sitting at it. The waitress seemed surprised we didn't like that option, but found a small table with lawn chairs for us, near the humongous circular bar, where we could smell the wonderful smell of barbecue. Mrs. lefty has spent enough time being Mrs. lefty to know how I am going to react so she thanks the nice waitress, grabs my hand, and RUNS out of the place. She didn't even have the time to give her any flowers. Or a card.

I get in the car. You know what's next, right? A cigarette. I must wait for the other half of the cigarette to be smoked before she gets in the car. My foot is tapping on the gas pedal, in a most threatening and a-rhythmic way.  I was doing everything I could to not back the car up and drive home. When the half cigarette was done (halleleuhah!) we discussed going to a real restaurant. As we start discussing, I hear the door open.

What are you doing?

I'm going to smoke a cigarette.

I'm told my scream could be heard in four states.

I want Chinese food.

Fine. Drop me at home and get Chinese food.

Ok, what do you want?

I want something very special.

What?

Nothing. You know I don't like Chinese food.  [imitates martyred mother] Don't worry about me eating. I'll have a cracker or something.

Is this sarcasm?

Have I eaten Chinese food in the last twenty years? 

Oh.

She returns an hour later. The Chinese food place is two blocks over. They watched her standing there for ten minutes before telling her there was a 45 minute wait. They are take-out only.

Is this Cosmic Revenge or what?

The next place had a register breakdown.

The next place had power problems.

The last place, a convenience store, had food, but didn't carry milk in gallons. Since the last gallon we bought, 2 days ago.

She came home, dying to tell me about this, but I had gone nappy, due to my inability to deal with it anymore. I can safely assume she went out back to have a cigarette.

• As we rush(?) to the end of another year, we're still stuck with GAME CHANGER. Won't this pox on the language ever go? 
• Don't forget this year's worst: super.  It's super bad in our super happy lexicon.
• and the fscking Medicare commercials... those people better walk around carefully, because they may be at risk of serious bodily injury if anybody sees them on the street.

In case you missed it, sex change surgery is out. "Gender affirming" surgery is in. A major hospital just stopped all procedures on children under 18, due to republican pressure. As much as I hate to admit it, the republicans are right. You can look back in the blog history for statements to the effect that under 18's are not equipped to make this important decision. Some over 18's are not equipped either.  I get that you feel the way you do and I respect it. But wait til you're at least 18. In the meantime, live the way you feel.  

The weather is back.

We have 2 seasons: Hot and Rainy.  Hot runs from June-September and rainy is the rest of the year. Spring and Fall were fired; we were told it was a Supply Chain Issue. When I was little, the seasons changed gradually. Now Mother Nature flips the switch and voila, it's the next season. Last week it was 90. Today it's 50, gray, and raining. It's been that way for days. Mother Nature is a bit of a Certified Bitch<tm>, hence Hurricane Ian and the misery constant gray skies bring. Either that or she's flipped her wig and is waiting for a room at the Happy Place<tm>. Global warming my ass.

The republicans are dropping their fight against Obamacare.

I told you: 2 sides of the same warped coin.

 Dear lefty 

We have 3 trash cans in the house, due to recycling. Does this mean I need 3 trash cans in the bathrooms, bedrooms and office?  - Puzzled in PA

Dear Stupid: I am not going to answer that question. Just call the local Trash Police and ask them. They will say something about your medication being off and send you on your way. OCD is not a pretty thing.

Speaking of OCD, I tread lightly with Mrs lefty. I don't make fun of any of her diagnoses. Except OCD. I guess I'll never get over being an Asshole. It's a compulsion (sorry). My latest is coming out of the closet and saying I have it too. So when the tv has to be on an even number, I tell her is has to be on an ODD number. Whenever I have to put anything in her pocketbook, it must be over 3' in the air.  My sandwiches have to be cut straight, while hers are diagonal. I told you I'm an asshole. But I'm a lovable asshole. I may not be easy to live with and I may not be easy on the eyes, and I may not dress well, but.... at least I'm an asshole.

Cult leader meets the Pope: Apple CEO chats to Francis

JFC, if they ever get together, I'm toast. I'm toast already, but I'll go down a few levels in hell.

Fun Fact: Toyota's CEO is Akio Toyoda

I mentioned getting attacked at the refrigerator by the lidless container of chopped liver. It happened again, this time with yogurt. All I did was open the door, and the large yogurt container shot past me, in a short trajectory to the floor. Yes, it had a lid on it this time, but this didn't seem to matter. Rivers of yogurt all over the fridge, the floor, the flamethrower AND the chainsaw, and of course, me.

I'm beginning to think the fridge doesn't like me. It keeps launching stuff at me.

If the fridge was really smart, it would get warm when the door is closed, making me unknowingly eat food that had gone bad. Instead, it lobs the stuff at me. I can't imagine why it's so upset at me.. I paid for it, use it regularly, feed it, and talk nicely to it when I walk by. I'm working on Be Nice to Your Fridge Day. I'm having trouble getting it passed; UC Berkeley says I'm insensitive because not everyone has a refrigerator. 

Come to think of it, most things in this house send projectiles in my direction. Wife, dog, fridge, side tables, and the rocket launcher (which is particularly nasty). What have I done? Do I have a bullseye tattoo on my forehead? Am I the fat kid in my house? Will I have to spend another few years on the therapist's couch (assuming it doesn't throw things at me)?

I want a bowl of cereal. This requires milk, which requires opening the fridge. I'll need my kevlar underwear, a facemask, and one of those I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up thingies.

One of these is King Charles. One is a Cavalier King Charles spaniel. 

One has huge flaps on the sides of his head. The other is a dog.

Ever since Charles' recent promotion, his mates have been instructed not to use any of his old nicknames in public

• Chuck
• Princy
• King, NOT!
• Susan
• 'arry's Dad

Augmented eyewear is here! This is generation 2 of Things That Make You Walk Into Walls.

I expect you out there, with your phones, taking video. Extra points for somebody falling into a hole.

Coroner lists Instagram algorithm as contributing cause of UK teen’s death

  

"an act of self-harm whilst suffering from depression and the negative effects of online content."

The family is naturally blaming Meta and Pinterest. I hate like hell to sound like a Redditor, but if the family, who spends more visual time with her than social media, looked at her well-being, maybe they could have gotten her some help. Or if she spoke up.

Now that social media has been listed as an official cause of death, people will be coming out of the woodwork to censor.  Please read the article and make up your own mind.

Morally, it's absolutely sick the way Pinterest and Meta's algorithms wound up giving the girl back what she was looking at in suggestions (self-harm, suicide). They can do better, but it wasn't set up this way on purpose.

You know me as a First Amendment supporter and a free internet supporter. It was designed to be redundant and free. Now countries are blocking an censoring and installing OFF switches. With all this admitted crap available, the parents have a responsibility to look into what their kids are doing. It's not radically different from what parents have done all along. Of course the UK is putting together the Online Safety Bill. It has already censored saying bad things about people, with a fine.

There is nothing sadder than losing a child. We are terribly sorry for the family's loss. 

Security forces were forced to a Tehran university, due to protests.

What Security didn't know is that TU is a remote partner of UC Berkeley, which was shut down in solidarity.

The FCC ruled that all the cell carriers have to help each other in an emergency. Because unfortunately, you have to legislate what neighbors would do. Meanwhile, the only communications were the radio amateurs (hams). They were also the only communications on 9-11, when all cells were overloaded or down. They're like a volunteer army of people doing this for the general good.   arrl.org

Be advised: because of the Flying AIDS, Christmas trees will be more expensive this year.

And they will have to wear masks.

No, seriously, did the virus inhibit growth in trees? Did Fauci invest in trees? 

Kanye went 'death con 3' on the Jews, but can't be antisemitic because blacks are Jews too.

He was immediately tossed off social medias (obviously because the Jews, of which he is one, own it).

I like Kanye. Not his alleged music, but his outbursts. He was really funny with Trump. He generally made sense, whether or not you agreed with him. This one seems a bit... odd, paranoid, conspiratorial, silly, and requiring more sleep or less chemical assistance. Everyone knows the Jews run the banks, not the record companies. Sheesh. Can't anyone find him a long-haired woman with an incredibly large butt for her size? She could keep him 'busy' to avoid these outbursts. But what do I know about rap?

I just proofread this blog.

Small wonder the only comments I get are from therapists.

You Thought I Was Kidding, Didn't You?

Your love is like    raw Brussels sprouts

The good news: Waukesha public schools are closed today.

The bad news: because somebody in an SUV plowed through the Christmas parade. Two dead so far. Twenty three taken to the hospital. One "person of interest" in custody. Police fired on the vehicle but didn't stop it. Law enforcement examining whether vehicle and occupant were fleeing another crime (stabbing per NBC). The suspect is Daryl Brooks, a 38 year old black male, per Heavy.com. He was charged with another crime, jumped bail, was arrested for domestic abuse, then allowed to bond out.

Twitter has videos (#waukesha). YouTube has milder videos.

Among others, several of the Milwaukee Dancing Grannies were impacted. Waukesha Hospital is in need of blood donations.

ThermionicEmissions does not approve of this sort of thing and sends its best to the victims and families.

Today I identify as  the kiss Vanessa Hudgens plants on me

I mentioned eyebrows... eyebrows were but one thing in the Box of Annoyances I used on coworkers, friends, family, and band members. The funny thing is, I didn't know it at the time. I thought my only annoying trait was my mouth. That particular aperture is capable of causing upset, severance, annoyance, and explosions of varying sizes. Only when I think about it does it register that I have more ammunition to use in the war on sanity and normalcy.

Most of it involves the other party having OCD.

    There was my bandmate who got upset that my socks were at different heights. Being the fine gentleman I am, I pushed them apart even more. Some might say this affected his performance that night. I say that his lack of talent affected his performance every night.   [weirder than this was the declaration that I was wearing the wrong socks. It just made my head hurt.]

    Then there was the coworker who asked why, when I used the microwave, I'd put the dish in for 1:26 instead of 1:30. Only I didn't know this was a problem til later.

    The other coworker was upset about the aforementioned eyebrows. There was always (at least) one hair that pointed in some other direction than the rest of them. It took a while, but in a time of stress, this fact came out. Boy, was I surprised. My eyebrows, however, continue to mock me, and everybody who sees me.

Isn't it sad that in life, sometimes you never know what little things really torque people off? These things could really help you... or at least torque people off.

• After 20 Years of Failure, Kill the TSA
• Great idea, but government never shrinks - it only grows (and taxes more)

U.S. Interior Secretary Deb Haaland, the nation's first Native American Cabinet secretary, said a newly created federal advisory committee will review and recommend changes to derogatory geographic and federal land names.

Didn't I just say something about government only growing?

I only half understand this one: Somerset Cricket Club (England) have "reprimanded" Jack Brooks over historical tweets he sent which contained racist language.  In 2012.  Rather than laugh, spit, or have his cranium explode, Brooks unreservedly apologised.

As if that isn't silly enough, one of the instances was for calling Cheteshwar Pujara 'Steve'. I guess we don't get this because we speak the wrong English.

I want you to know, celebrities, sports stars, people in the public eye, and anyone on Twitter.... your tweets are under examination. You will be called to answer for anything you tweeted that can be even vaguely be considered racist. No word on antisemitism or picking on the left handed.

Although I don't have the time or space to catalog my affronts to race and good taste, I wish to unreservedly apologize (suck it, England) for tweeting

• Christopher Colombus is a weenie who didn't discover a thing - all his discoveries were made by his cross-dressing alter ego, Chrissie
• Michele Obama is not a man. She's a reptilian, people-eating alien.
• No, really, Trump's hair is like that naturally.
• If Booth shot Lincoln, I'm the next president.
• Lady Diana had to sleep with Charles and took the easy way out.
• Jimi Hendrix is black colored negro nig African American person of color non-white dark skinned a hell of a guitar player. The left handers are a special breed.
• I have a friend called Steve. I call him Bob. Is this racist?
• I'll do that when NASCAR is 50% black
• That Michael Jackson... he sure wants to be Italian
• I'll tell you why there's no Polish navy - they kept installing screen doors on the ships and drowning
• Nah, smoking is cool!
• Jewish women, I tellya. What do they make for dinner? Reservations.   [oh wait... this isn't a problem yet. Wait til the ADL gets word....]

And every redhead on the planet for saying their hair is orange. Only punk rockers have red hair.

When man makes the first time machine, it will be used by everyone to go back to the past and delete their tweets.

• A look at the intimate details Amazon knows about us
• Read em and weep. No, really, you need to read this.

Tesla has given us our weekly fun. Well, sort of.

There is now a device made specially for extinguishing fires in electric vehicles. Apparently regular fire hoses are wasteful and don't directly hit the batteries, which keep getting hot and restarting the fire. This device fires up, from under the car, to hit the batteries directly.

So now Tesla will have to build more fire hose resilient cars (or hide the batteries better).

• Upcoming smart home products wirelessly charge without cable or pad
• The future is here. Isn't it?
• I can tell you that wireless charging is grossly inefficient. I can't tell you about the specific effects of transmitting electricity (look at what it did to Tesla), but I have my suspicions. The jury seems to still be out on cell phones and our bodies.

Badminton

 I'm sorry to have to use that word, but things are getting serious.

Shuttlecock, tits, and blue boobies are all things that fly.

Boeing 737 MAX does not fly.

Your love is like a quickie sex change

The meatloaf sandwich had a slice of meatloaf so large, I almost had to unhinge my jaw to get it in my mouth. You're just waiting for me to say "now I know how Mrs lefty feels" but I'm not going to do that.

I'm happy to say the house is now decorated, as is the tree. It looks fantastic; more fantastic than I could ever make it. Presents were exchanged the other night. There was great tittering about the Eeyore onesie. Onesie is a stupid word, with an even more stupid spelling. Yes, we need a new word for it, but let me explain: it's almost Eeyore pajamas that you step into and zip up. We have Eeyore shirts, mugs, sweatshirts, overalls, jackets, and even panties. There are no Eeyore bras (I looked).

There are multiple (haha) advantages of living with a dissociative. It's always Christmas, because they don't always remember getting the present. You can ask one what the other would like. They're also not likely to remember what they told you they like or what they told you to order, so it's new again!

A short while back, I wrote about the evolution of PONG and video games in general. What should appear but a box with a 3' tall Pac-Man game. I'm more impressed with all the ways you can mount it - they did a great job. There is approximately 1 video game enthusiast in the house, although I haven't asked the dog yet. "But who do I play against?" Yourselves? "They suck."  And I'm going to be any better? I don't even like video games.

"I'm going to take a nap and set my alarm. When I'm done, we can play video games."

I see. And what time are you setting your alarm for?

"Well, the first one for 1:35, the second one for 2:25, and the 3rd for 2:45."

I see. And why do you need 3 alarms?

"In case I miss one."

I see. Wouldn't you be better off setting them for 5-10 minutes apart because you're not likely to be in the same sleep cycle?

"NOOOOOOOOO - this is the way we do it."

I see. Enjoy your nap.

Today I identify as  mace - the spice and the pointy implement you swing around to cause great damage

I got a thing for xmas. It's really difficult to describe. Take a tv soundbar and shrink it down to about a foot. Then plug it into your tv (or laptop). There's a setting to emphasize speech frequencies, in case I'm going to have a problem with my hearing.

The thing sounds really good plugged into the laptop, which is just not made for hifi sound. I even tested the speech emphasis, which does exactly what it says it does. It's not that I'm not grateful, I just want to know the mindset that produced this product as a gift for me. As far as I know, my hearing's ok. I hope these people aren't psychic...

Mrs lefty, however... it's difficult to tell how much is hearing loss and how much is Space Cadet. I have banged on a door she's sitting against, then scared her when I spoke. I have taken to trudging through rooms so she'll be aware I'm coming. When I say hello, she levitates 6". This became a very popular party game with the nieces and nephews. They'd creep up behind her and say HELLO, and she'd leap. I believe the winner was the one who got her to leap the highest. The sad part about this is that even without knowing about the party game, the kids (and my brother) would still come up behind to watch her levitate. I think it's abusive, so I stopped (last week).

Ever see the stamps dot com commercial? Sure you have - everybody has. If you know anything about the final lady with the big hair, leave the info in comments, please. Just for science, of course.

Where are your packages, lefty?

UPS continues to give insights into the never-before-explored area of Package Delivery Dynamics (PDD). One box has spent 3 weeks taking trips around the seller's state. Several more are in the Abyss. I understand this might've been a volume issue, but it's not like the Flying AIDS was a secret and nobody knew people were buying online. Didn't we discuss this during the election, with mailin votes? People have long advocated privatizing the post office. This should be the final nail. Roughly half of my gifts are still in USPS Delivery Uncertainty Hell. These gifts were guaranteed to be here long before xmas.

Mainstream or Pr0n: I'll list a title of a recent release. You tell me if it's mainstream or pr0n. SpongeBob SquarePants Battle for Bikini Bottom Rehydrated

So Hoarders is on. I have no idea why Mrs lefty watches this. Maybe she wants to feel better about us.. you can see carpet and there are pathways in our house. This 1 poor guy hoarded and had OCD - he hit the jackpot. I feel terrible about the issues these people face. Either that, or I'm terrified the city will come around and demand we clean up or else... or else... Idiot Mayor will mandate masks inside the house.

Of course I'm kidding. I take the trash out and vacuum on special occasions.

OCD is rough. My sis-in-law has it. Twice. She would make sure the cereal boxes were in alphabetical order, then arrange the pots and pans. I have no idea how someone with OCD arranges pans, but there's a fair chance if we find out, we'll explode. Her young child picked up rearranging the pots and pans and did it as a form of play (not as OCD). This might be the first ever case of OCD by Proxy. I just made that diagnosis up.

Before the Flying AIDS, there were compulsive hand washers. Look under the sink, people. If there's a gallon jug of hand cleaner, there might be an issue. If there are several gallon jugs of hand cleaner, one of those tv therapists from Hoarders might be convinced to come by. OCD is compoulsion to do stuff. Like pulling the door shut 3 times or you can't go anywhere. Or pulling the door shut on your foot, in which case you can't go anywhere, but as the ambulance is carrying you away, you're SCREAMING that you have to go back because you didn't pull the door 3 times. Another is having to come back to the house 4 times to make sure you didn't leave the gas burner on. This is particularly interesting when you're late for work. What you don't know is the neighbors are standing at their windows with stopwatches, timing and counting your returns. The one who comes closes wins a prize. Hint: don't go to the neighborhood fair. That's where they present the prizes.

Make sure to get your cereal and other boxes lined up alphabetically. Or is that size order? You gotta have this right or you can't go on to making certain the toilet paper comes off the right side. Not that anything like this would happen in our house, but we were food shopping once and I was throwing cans on the slider. I was informed that the labels had to be pointing OUT. Because I'm a complete bastard, I kept pointing them in other directions, causing great consternation. This is but a tiny example of the horrors of living with me.

But I want to defend us: we're not hoarders, we're putting-it-back impaired. If we put stuff back, the place would look almost normal. Mrs lefty doesn't hoard shoes - she just keeps buying new ones before she's worn the old ones much. I am certainly not a hoarder - I just have Guitar Acquisition Syndrome (GAS). What if I need to make a certain sound or tone? I have equipment for that. Even if I don't play with a band or record at all. I'm not a hoarder - I'm extremely well prepared.

Some of these people don't throw out trash. There can be rats, mice, or deceased pets in the mess. Thus far no deceased spouses, but it's early in the season.

What causes hoarding? Lack of sex.

C'mon, lefty, you blame lack of sex for everything.

Do you really want to prove it isn't?

Oh. Ok.

Sometimes it's trauma. A death. An abandonment. Some ass turning all your labels the wrong way. The takeaway here is that you get help for the issue before you're swimming in 5 year old UPS boxes you never opened, swimsuits 5 sizes too small, a kitchen you can't get in to cook, and several cries for help that are getting progressively softer by the day.

Uh-oh.

Just as I said that because of sex robots, women had better be nicer to men, it appears that for procreation, men had better be nicer to women.. parthenogenesis: how females from some species can reproduce without males.

What of Windows?

How, you ask, is my favorite operating system?

When I shut it down last week, it gave me no option to update, so I  shut it down and it updated. Now that I boot it up this morning, for WORK, it decides it has to update some more. So far I'm 10 minutes late for work. My coworkers are chuckling - "I'll bet old lefty's Windows had to update some more! He's probably red with anger and ready to launch the laptop into the stratosphere. Heh heh." [general laughter]  It's been at 84% for 5 minutes. 84 is a sacred number with Windows (unless it gets stuck at some other number). As if to mock me, it says not to turn off the pc and "it will take a while." 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 LIFTOFF! We have liftoff, one laptop, on this historic lunar laptop trip. Bob, this will be the 1st time Windows has been to the moon. Yeah, Frank, although many suggest that's where it belongs.

It finally allowed me the privilege of logging in, after which it just stared at me and said 'preparing Windows'. What kind of preparation does an operating system need? Does it go around the corner for some coffee and donuts? If it does, it never got ME any. Linux never got me breakfast either, but then again, it never makes me wait while it prepares itself. Women make you wait while preparing themselves, not operating systems.

After 30 minutes, it allowed me to get to work. And when I say it allowed me, I mean I was technically connected, but moving like Congress through a pay cut. It tells me the disk is 100% in use, but the listing shows about 5%. The recent 'updates' changed the task manager and put a search bar in my task bar (HEY - you've got your search bar in my task bar!). Yes, I turned it off, but I didn't need it there. Next update will be an IoT toaster meter, which keeps track of anything in the toaster, whether I have a toaster or not. STOP HELPING ME, WINDOWS. That's a persistent cry.

Science is a wonderful thing.

The astronauts on the International Space Station grew radishes in a microfarm.

Sometimes you have to sit down and ask Science why? 

The group of people who stole the monolith in Utah, on their way out, came across another group, on their way to destroy the monolith - "That's exactly what we didn't want to happen". For those of you following along at home, the thieves didn't want the destroyers to destroy the item they thieved.

The thieves discussed the matter with BLM and had quite a shock when they realized they were talking to Black Lives Matter, when they needed to speak to the Bureau of Land Management. For their part, Black Lives Matter pronounced the monolith a tool of white supremacy and racist, before asking what a monolith was.

President Trump signed the Flying AIDS package into law.

What you don't know is that the president is in Walter Reed Hospital, after a heart attack.

Congress came up with the $600 per person bill and sent it to the president.

The president said it was rubbish, and suggested $2,000 per person.

Nancy Pelosi and the democrats were jubilant, and lined up squarely behind the president, for the first time in 5 years.

The president had a heart attack.

Exercise Causes Cancer

I'm annoyed by the exercise mirrors. I'm annoyed by most things, but that's not relevant now. You've seen the commercials... impossibly fit people exercising in front of a mirror, some impossibly attractive, while the offscreen instructors' voices urge them on. Some riding bikes. Some lifting weights. It's a horror movie for me; not only for the privacy invasion, but for the exercising. Those people are sweating. Is this the kind of thing you want to do with your day?

The devices are impossibly expensive and depend on your home's wireless internet connection. The moment you start using them, the kids are going to start hurling sharp, pointy sticks at you, because you're interrupting their torrenting, Kardashians, and pr0n. You're not going to win here. Nothing good will come out of it. I should be one of those offscreen instructors (or offscreen destructors)..

What's it today, coach?

Warmups. Warmups are essential before any exercise. Sit on the floor, legs crossed.

Ok, now what?

Take out your tablet and surf a bit. We're working on both mind and body.

[15 min later] Ok, I surfed.

Very good. I was watching and liked the way you did that. Now stand.

Standing.

This is the final part of warmup. Stand there and feel your vibes. Locate each part of your body, and make note of any that are missing.

When do I start exercising?

You are exercising, Grasshopper. You can't blow up a building without Thermite.

What does that even mean?

Are you sure you want to exercise today?

Yes, I'm sure.

This is your day off, isn't it?

Yes.

You should treat yourself... go back to bed and get up when you're done resting. You work hard. You deserve it.

Look, I paid $4,000 for this bloody exercise mirror so I could exercise.

Open the freezer, Grasshopper, and grab some Haagen Dazs.

Ok.

Have a spoonful.

Ok.

Have another.

Ok.

Isn't that good?

Yes, but I eat too much of it.

Have another.

Ok, one more.

Have another.

Coach, I can't.

Dig down deep and find the strength to have another spoonful. I know you have it in you.

Mmph....groan..... I DID IT!

I'm very proud of you. Now take a shower and a nap. I'll see you next week.

I don't know why or how this would happen, but let's say someone left one of these torture devices at my house one day....

Hi, you're new. It's lefty?

Yup.

lefty, what's your end goal?

For Bob to get his mirror the hell out of my house.

What's your end goal for your body?

Ummm... lots of attractive women touching it?

lefty, be serious.

I am serious.

Let's warm up.

It's 75 degrees outside. The air conditioner's about to come on, Why on Earth would I want to warm up? Let's cool down. Besides - exercise causes cancer.

lefty, what would you like to work on?

mmmm... I already did napping... hey, I know, my sleep is interrupted a lot lately. Whatcha got for that?

Well, we have an exercise that...

HOLD on.. you can't exercise before bed or you won't be able to get to bed.

What should we work on - arms, legs, abs?

Penis.

Penis?

Penis.

Why do you want to exercise your... thing? 

Well, it thinks it's busy all the time and needs to be convinced to rest. It doesn't get half the fun it thinks it does. All the ladies at work call me Tripod. It's embarrassing,

I'm sorry, lefty, we have no exercises for your... genitals. Say, you're looking a little scrawny, with a small beer gut, how bout some sit ups?

Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how difficult it was to sit up in bed before I got in front of this mirror?

Have you ever done any lifting?

Tons. With my fork.

Why don't you try the bicycle?

Why don't you try the bicycle? Besides, it doesn't go anywhere.

It's not supposed to go anywhere, it's a fitness bicycle.

Well what's the point of that? You put all that energy into pedaling and you don't go anywhere..

How about jogging in place?

Same thing, isn't it?

Chin ups?

Oh man, I always hated those. One time in high school I did one.

Push ups?

Too much like having sex by myself.

You sure are creative.

So I'm told.

Especially when it comes to not exercising.

It's my life's work.

lefty, how about we get you one of those impossibly fit. attractive models to demonstrate the exercises - would that be ok?

Perfect, thank you.

How would this affect your views on exercising?

No change. She'd go through the exercises, I'd sit there and evaluate her performance. Please be sure to send a clipboard.

I hear your wife has a strict No Dating policy.

Only below the belt. Please don't send a fat one.

Can you imagine being my parents?

If you ever feel you're not getting enough out of the USPS mangling your delivery, sign up for alerts. You already know from looking at the tracking info, the package has gone "into the system" and no one will ever see it again. I just discovered that the package sent 3 weeks ago from one state north has just shown up: one state east. Perhaps it needs to complete the entire compass before arriving. I'm signing up for alerts for the rest of the packages that never showed up. I desperately need the entertainment.

Hey, lefty - how's the new car?

I'm glad you asked. I was handed the quick start manual the other day, because manuals are Men's Jobs. You know you're in trouble when there's a quite start manual for your car. Suffice it to say the description of the car on the website was... somewhat.... lacking.. in a good way. Not that I remember a single thing I read (ever), but there's a lot of stuff in that car. I think what they do is use a template: car comes complete with 4 wheels, seats, 5 cylinder engine, and trunk. Going further might hurt someone's coffee cake. 

I mentioned remembering old Lincoln commercials where seat positions had 2 different memory settings for different drivers. Check. Auto-start - check (with app). What kind of car requires an app? Turn off backup camera (suck it, neighbors!) - check. Other ridiculous stuff - check. I feel like I bought a luxury car. There is absolutely nothing wrong with Hyundais, but they're not exactly luxury cars. Mrs lefty loves it already. I was allowed to drive it once. The problem is that there's some connectivity to the outside world. This is an extreme no-no. Things like GPS and OnStar-like services have to GO. And this isn't a new car. They're tracking beacons. Since the cars are more electronically controlled, they're easier to find and easier to remotely operate. Now I have to find the bloody modems and rip them out. Wanna buy a modem, anybody? Maybe we can switch, so your Ford identifies as a Hyundai and vice versa. I just don't need that kind of connectivity....  Unfortunately this will require some kind of sleuthing and mechanical ability, so I'm pretty much in trouble...  

Before the previous Hyundai, we experienced Sticker Shock when buying new tires. I bought tires for my land yachts for $60. Hyundai tires were $250! And they had considerably less rubber, perhaps with considerably less comfortable ride. And need to be replaced more often. Do car makers own the tire companies?

Text Me

Texting is the Next Big Thing. Yes, we've been using it all along, but businesses are getting into it. Doctors are texting to burn up the coverage for the year, so they can start burning up next year's coverage next year. Phone carriers text. Quite frankly, I'm all for it. When you text, you have to keep it short and you don't have to talk to anybody - what greater gift could there be to humanity and agoraphobes specifically? I'd rather spend twice the time scheduling office visits than actually call the office. Now there are a bunch of businesses (and people) you wish would get on the texting bandwagon... (definitely not politicians) like...  your relatives. The older they are, the more fun they are in text. Some sign them - Love, Aunt Martha. If they like to dictate them, it's even funnier - And the mask is tomorrow love you Fritos.

You've Got Your Pandemic on my Rhinocerous

Catholic priests are so upset about COVID-19....

HOW UPSET ARE THEY?

They're so upset, they're demanding clean COVID-19 tests from little boys before molesting them.

[you know you'll be telling that one at work tomorrow]



Cell Phone Stupidity

Verizon is offering a phone plan that contains a Yahoo Mail account.
Next they will offer a plan that includes an AOL account and a bag phone.

Comcast mistakenly published names, phone numbers, and addresses of nearly 200,000 customers who paid monthly fees to make their numbers unlisted.
Customers paid $3.50 to $5.50 monthly for this service. Comcast will not be satisfied until they have sucked every cent possible out of you. Then they'll find a way to get more.  This is a perfect example of a duopoly: Philly allowed only 2 cable companies to operate: Verizon and Comcast. More competition would drive prices to more reasonable levels.

• Are female urinals the answer to queues at the loos?
• What a tremendous idea... women's bladders are smaller than men's, so the lines are always longer.
• FEMALE URINALS? WTF?

Alex Jones ordered to stop selling fake coronavirus cures, by New York attorney general. Apparently generating coronavirus PANIC is ok, though. New York desperately wants to be the new California, and is working very diligently toward it. Like him or not, leave Alex alone. It truly is the responsibility of the buyer, not government. The AG referred to Jones' 'latest mistruths'.  I wonder if it's ok to sue an Attorney General for this. It's defamation, but apparently there are no statutes against that.  If nothing else, Alex is quite (inadvertently) funny. No one else would bullhorn the Bilderberg meetings.


Data of millions of eBay and Amazon shoppers exposed

To their credit, eBay and Amazon are not involved; instead it was a third party. So you're still exposed. What can you do?

• The White House told federal health agency to classify coronavirus deliberations
• Just cut it the f- out. There's always need for secrecy, but we're beyond out of hand now. We pay YOU, yet you decide what we can and can't see? Government for and by the people, not leading the country, doing what you feel like.
• If we had a real pandemic, these 'public servants' would classify that too. The people have no 'need to know.'

AT&T CEO pay rose to $32 million in 2019 while he cut 20,000 jobs

To be clear, I have no trouble with corporate salaries. I am not a socialist and don't believe these people are obligated to share their wealth. What bothers me is that he did it on the backs of those 20,000 ex-employees (most likely among other things). This is a personal opinion, and out of step with the libertarian position that it's a private company and can do what it wants. I'm am not a hypocrite: I just hold 2 differing opinions at the same time.  There was also a hedge fund involved here somewhere; it was over who was going to maintain the hedges outside the corporate offices.

• One of the reasons I like Firefox is the addons. My latest is Mouse Gesture Events. You'd be surprised (maybe you wouldn't) what you can do with just a mouse gesture.  Forward, backward, shut current page and go backward, all sorts of stuff. It's in the normal addons spot.
• Another is ColorfulTabs. The default Firefox has tabs that are all the same color. This auto-colors them so the one on top is easy to find. You can also make it use colors you prefer.
• If you're running Firefox under linux and want to use the Backspace key to go back a page, open about:config, search for browser.backspace_action, change the 2 to zero. Done. Test to make sure.

One newspaper asked if the 2020 elections could be postponed because of the virus.  No, the country would never get that lucky.

An article in the Guardian says that the virus is creating hell on OCD patients who are compulsive hand-washers. Part of the treatment is not washing their hands.  Up until recently, those antibacterial dispensers weren't for viruses: they were OCD tests.

• Everyone's favorite dictator and Wild and Crazy Guy, Vladimir Putin, signed a boatload of amendments to the Constitution (not specified whose), allowing him to run for Dictator once more. The amendment after that one had him winning the election.
• Not to be ignored, the Bernie Bros have stated that they'd rather hand Trump the presidency than vote for Biden. When the NY Post published this, they used the word 'exodus.' I thought they meant the socialists were leaving the country. Oh well.....

Everybody's favorite perv uncle, Joe Biden, forgot the year and wandered out of frame during a livestream. This man is presidential material. THIS is the Joe Biden we wanted to see while he was Vice President. It has been speculated that President Obama told the Secret Service to tie Uncle Joe to a chair for 8 years. Unless they find him with a 5 year old in a hotel, where pictures and video are already on the internet, this is the presumptive democratic nominee for president.

• Being stubborn, rigid may lower your risk of Alzheimer's.
• Hello... this is my wild card! Not only won't I get Alzheimer's, neither will my entire family. I have enough stubborn for the East Coast of the US.

EASTER

Happy Easter to those who celebrate (or care).
Although I'm not Catholic, I want you who are to enjoy whatever it is that you do.

In truth, I am part of a large, non-Catholic denomination that celebrates Easter. We are commonly known as the Holy C (candy). The malted balls are a favorite here, as well as the Reese's white chocolate candy.  As with any group, we had to split into 2: the people who dive right in, and the people who wait a day, til the candy goes on sale. Having been both, sometimes on the same day, I belong to the Sale Group. If I find myself at an Easter celebration and there's candy, I will switch over to the Dive Right In group for the day. I know, I know, religious hypocrisy. But let's face it: I'd have to want to leave the house and go to an Easter celebration for that to happen.

Since I'm not Catholic, my view of Easter is largely candy, complicated by reality. It's never fun when reality creeps into the picture. So I'm going to explain Easter to my fellow non-Catholic readers (so you'll only sound like a partial doofus at gatherings).  Warning: if you are an easily-offended Catholic, you want to stop reading right now. Solution: if you are easily-offended, you wouldn't be reading this blog, so....


Easter: Jesus comes out of his cave and looks around. If he goes back in, with a sad look on his face, we get another 6 weeks of gloomy weather (this happens regardless of Jesus where I live). If he goes jogging, it will be a good year for the crops (and thusly, Monsanto).  The final option, Jesus doing miracles, has been hoped for over 2,000 years. He will heal the sick (putting doctors and insurance companies out of work, so their lobbies got this option taken off the sheet). He will cure ailing cars (putting mechanics out of work, so they, too, got this removed from the list). Lastly, he will create peace the world over. This option proved the most difficult. This would force the Military Industrial Complex to starve, ruining entire economies, and giving millions nowhere to fight, causing worldwide starving. Jesus had no way of knowing that Peace = Starvation. Also put out were the politicians, who pretended to care about peace, and the one actually working for it. Lastly, President Trump was all set, in his third term, to create peace in the middle east, so he's Very Mad at Jesus. His only remaining satisfaction is that he's still richer than Jesus. They will go on to be great friends - the best of friends. Can I have a hand for Jesus? Jesus will be white-listed at all the presidents' golf clubs, resorts, and hotels (although I'd stay away from New York for a few years).

Stations of the Cross: this is where you guess how many gas stations will be open on Easter Sunday. This is a very complex religious game, because many stations have not set their hours yet. Exceptions: any gas station that produces its own food, like Fried Quickie Chicken. Any station run by a Sikh, and anything with an expiration date. The stations are north, south, east, and Bob.

Palm Sunday: This is where the devoted, the semi-devoted, and the people who are dragged into it by relatives, for some reason, beat each other about the head and shoulders with palms. At this point, they realized that this palm thing isn't all that bad, right?  This is also the time when the non-Catholics start to pay attention and think maybe these Catholics have a point. However, they want to modify Palm Sunday so the celebration is done at individual homes, sometimes with only 2 people, sometimes with up to 25.  Sssshhhhhhh  - the safe word is BUNNIES.

Ash Wednesday: People go to church, whereupon a person in a very silly white getup puts ashes on their forehead. The first time I saw this, I was aghast... how could people walk around with dirty foreheads for an entire day? My friends, bless them, took me aside and explained it to me. Then I became privately aghast. I have it on good authority that children sometimes celebrated this holiday in their own individual tradition: they smoked a cigarette, while writing their excuse notes for school, and put the ashes on their foreheads. This only worked once, because Catholic mothers know the difference between cigarette ashes and Proper ashes. Even modern science can't tell the difference, but MOM can. They just never asked her. Oddly enough, Jewish mothers can also tell, but nobody asked them either. The Jews think Jesus was ahead of his time: he worked at the first ever Car Wash. This gave him a lot of spare time to do miracles and stuff.

Jesus: I was really far out of the loop on Jesus, so it took quite a while to figure out this whole Father, Son, and Holy Ghost thing. You can't be 3 people.... unless.... Jesus with the first with multiple personalities! Just wait til the church starts fighting with psychology! The church will say there's no such thing as multiple personalities. Psychology will say there's no such thing as Jesus. It will be funny to watch for the first few hundred years; after that, it will get tedious.


Good Friday: The Catholics, overnight, in a quiet raid, borrowed a worldwide tradition. After an entire week of working, we celebrate by getting drunk, having sloppy sex, hugging telephone poles, eating things that don't go well with alcohol, and drinking alcohol that doesn't go well with other alcohol. Everybody looks forward to Friday. When the Catholics 'appropriated' it, they gave official standing to Friday Activities. The only thing they changed was during sloppy sex, you cannot use a condom, and you have to have sloppy sex strictly for having a baby.  Good Friday happens 52 times a year, but officially it only happens once. If you forget and use a condom in your drunken state, you must enter the Holy Closet and whip out a few bills for the poor and the PAL (Priests Alcohol Locker).  You are forgiven, and free to go out and do it again next Friday.


Super Saturday: This is a brand new (under 1,547 years) tradition that means nothing. Saturday just felt lonely, between Good Friday and Easter Sunday, thus was given its own holiday. We all have the person in the family who thinks he deserves his own holiday.... no one invites him to family parties, yet he shows up anyway.


Easter Sunday: on this day, most of the stores are closed. This is the way you can tell Catholics are serious about this holiday. Skipping ahead a few months, this is why the Jews eat Chinese food on their holidays. The Catholics have no choice but to eat at delicatessens, where they think corned beef is some dark shade of red, not brown, as Jesus decreed.


Easter Monday: when the candy sales start. Also typically when employers give their employees the day off, in celebration of Jesus the candy sales.

• According to a Vatican exorcist, one exorcism he presided over had the person levitate and stay on the ceiling for 6 hours.
• YOU - You get down off the ceiling and get exorcised, you demon from hell. This is precisely what my mother used to say to me.

Today I identify as   a missing COVID-19 test kit, going for $1950 on Ebay


Heroes of the Stupid

Utah may make it illegal for cops to masturbate in their cars.
Is there a need for this law? what about at home?



SJW Saltiness


Bulletin: It's racist to shut down travel from places that are heavily diseased.
It's racist to identify where the disease came from.


Furry hate is always just a cover for queerphobia
not when the #1 show in the nation features furries...


Tammy Bruce: Dem erasure of Tulsi Gabbard is the ultimate misogyny
Damn - I thought having a penis was the ultimate misogyny

Yes, It's a Reptle

Know what Winning is?
A lizard named Harriet.

• I just saw a commercial for this 'miracle combination bamboo bra', which was guaranteed to overcome every problem women have ever had with bras. I'm thinking that if you have an issue with your bra, you probably don't want one made of bamboo. Getting poked in the boobs by little bamboo probes all day has to be somewhat unpleasant. The Vietnamese used to put slivers of bamboo underneath the fingernails of their enemies to torture them.

Sometimes you gotta be a dick. Well, sometimes *I* have to be a dick. No idea why - it's almost a primal instinct. For some reason, I feel compelled to mess with people who have OCD. 

Well, not only me. At my last job, there was a lady who had some serious OCD. She'd go into a meeting room, and before the meeting, would notice a picture on the wall that wasn't straight. She'd get up from her seat to fix it. In absolutely no time at all, another Total Bastard picked up on this. He'd wait til she fixed the picture and sat down, at which point he'd get up and tilt it a bit. He'd sit across from her to watch her get up. It was beautiful to watch, especially when it happened after the meeting started.

Mrs. lefty has an OCD tendency or two. Since we're in the same house and married, I have absolutely no choice in the matter. When watching tv, the volume must be on an even number. She cannot explain why, but gets visibly upset when I ask. Therefore I must change the volume to an odd number. She gets more excited and changes it back. Not to be outdone, I change it back. She tells me it no longer matters, and she'll just watch tv. Within sixty seconds, the pressure is too great and the volume needs to go back to the even number. We actually have two remotes, just in case. If I'm in a particularly evil mood, we'll watch an entire program, then I'll casually mention that the volume was on an odd number the entire time. She says no problem, but I know she won't be sleeping that night.

A previous girlfriend had to get out of the shower by the rear of the curtain. Without any choice in the matter, I kept opening the front of the curtain and insisting we get out there. She turned white, pulled the curtain in the other direction and got out quickly, lest I catch her.

I told you I was a dick.

• From the people who brought you diversity hiring (white people), comes a new app called ShopNoir, which allows you to Buy Black this holiday season. If I had even the smallest clue about programming, my app would be called ShopSinister, which allows you to Buy Left-Handed this holiday season. 
• This will be followed by ShopCracker, for buying white; ShopHanukah for buying Jew (the Anti Defamation League will be calling later today); and ShopGyno, for female-owned stores this holiday season. Not represented so far are the potential beneficiaries of ShopWhich, the transexuals, who are currently out protesting. Last but never least is ShopCorrect, where you don't buy from the white male patriarchy and its opposite number ShopPrivilege, in case you want to shop exclusively with White Male Patriarchy Privilege.
• None of this will matter, as most people will ShopCheap.

We ran out of soda the other day [loud, suspenseful sound effect from Law and Order-SVU]. Wife said she was so desperate, she actually drank water. Sometimes I feel guilty, like I don't provide well for my family.

• TODAY'S TIN FOIL MINUTE: According to Consumer Intelligence Research Partners, about 20 million homes have a voice-activated assistant (Amazon Echo or Google Home). That's 20 million people who paid a sum of money for Amazon or Google to spy on them and keep their personal information. What could possibly go wrong?
• This is another salvo in the War on Privacy, proving yet again that people are voluntarily ignorant about privacy or they simply don't care. Or both.
• Not that the concept is a bad one.... this is the future, where you simply speak to your house and it does Stuff for you. It's truly cool to ask your house when is the last showing of Deep Throat at the Adult Metroplex, in the seedy part of town. Soon you'll be able to order tickets via your house, allowing you the option of Just Cleaned seats or discount Sticky seats.
• When voice recognition technology is processed in the cell phone, instead of going upstream to servers, where it is kept, I'll start using it. The moment you want one service to interact with another, you're putting yourself out there.

A new survey of 1,600 Australians shows most people are concerned corporations are violating their privacy online. A similar survey of Americans shows most are concerned with Kim Kardashian and cat pictures.

•  A high level IT tech receives an emergency call from his system at 5am. The main file server has gone offline. He remote connects to the system, or at least he tries.. the remote system that will allow him to access the server won't work, which is why companies pay for remote systems. They knew the server wasn't long for this world, so they built a new one that ran in parallel, so he did a few Magic Tricks, copied some operating system files, and had the entire new server up before anyone got into work. He announced this via email to everyone, telling them to reboot if their computers didn't recognize the new server.
• Our hero was called into the Executive Office and, instead of a hearty Thank You, Attaboy, or Bonus, got yelled at and called unprofessional for installing the new server, because some people never bother saving their documents and leave them open overnight, so they lost them.
• Security begins at home, then follows you to work. Unfortunately, it only follows IT people. Upper level might occasionally give a nod towards it, but abandon it immediately if it becomes inconvenient for them. They even go so far as to hire expensive security experts to make recommendations for them to completely ignore.
• My old department put PINs on the corporate cell phones, for safety and privacy reasons. We also set all PCs to automatically lock after 5 minutes, so when people got up from their desks, others couldn't walk by and see private data or prohibited medical information. The Chief Operating Office appeared at my desk one week later, demanding we remove the PIN from her phone, because "security is.... inconvenient."  Right after that, the department was dragged into a six month series of meetings to decide the right amount of time before the computers locked. Everyone had input, which was somewhat less than helpful. Finally, the topic was dropped because people found it inconvenient to have to re-log into their computer when they walked away for a meeting or lunch or to flirt with a colleague, who would rather drink gasoline than deal with their neighbor.
• We are doomed.

Good things do happen, even in Philadelphia. Some bright light ran out of gas on the highway. A homeless man happened by and, seeing her plight, walked to a gas station and spent his last twenty dollars on gas for her. Do you want to talk about Heart?

More than impressed, the motorist set up a GoFundMe page to raise a few thousand to get the gentleman set up with an apartment and job services until he could support himself well.

The GoFundMe went somewhat over expectations; about three hundred thousand dollars at last count. The man received a house and a tidy sum, along with job counseling.  What did he do? Donated money to organizations that helped him. Do you want to talk about Heart?

• Ideally, you should use a Virtual Private Network (VPN) when doing anything from your computer. The connection can't be snooped on, offering full privacy for your data. One VPN service, PureVPN, boasts they don't keep logs, so you're secure from the authorities. Well, it turns out they lied: the FBI contacted them for information on a customer suspected of committing a crime and they turned over a treasure trove of information (that they don't keep).
• If you read this far, you'll be happy to know the following are no log VPNS: NordVPN, ExpressVPN, CyberGhostVPN, SaferVPN, and VYPRVPN.

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times. And it was a bad time too. 

Some internal process started arguing with a different internal process.. I have no real idea what was happening, but the end result is that I felt like advanced death. It probably wasn't helping that I was at work. Sometimes I just sit there and nod off, which is fairly impressive if you happen to walk by. If it gets really bad, I feel like sitting under my desk. This doesn't happen often, which is probably a pretty good thing, as I like my job. They know me, so they might shake their heads, smile, and go on.

Eventually work ended and I somehow managed to convince the car to take me home. No, I do not have a self-driving car, but it always gets me home. Those of you who drink too much may experience a similar phenomenon. 

Once in the house, my mind turned to the thing I really wanted No, oddly enough, not sex.... I wanted a nap. A really satisfying nap. A deep, relaxing nap. The kind of nap that cures most of the world's problems.  With the total occupants in the house numbering two (the dog and me), I decided to use the couch.

This was my first mistake.  [I'm using the literary technique of foreshadowing here.]

Five satisfying minutes into my horizontal exercise, Marshall decided to surprise me by BARKING to go outside. This is unprecedented, as he naps when I nap. I told him how amused I was, and I stood there, waiting for His Highness to do his duty. As it turns out, dogs do not get embarrassed or agitated when you watch them go to the bathroom. No quid pro quo for me today.

Back in the house, dog safe and comfortable, I re-occupied the couch.

A short while later came a pounding on the door. No, the dog had not taken up pounding on the door with his water bowl.. it was yet another home improvement dude. This is the second one this week, which means they're infesting the neighborhood and we'll have to get one of those special exterminators out to help us. Fortunately it's a neighborhood problem, so everybody chips in. You know these clowns... they "happen to be working on a house in the neighborhood" and have "dropped by to see if you need anything done." Bless their pointy little heads. The altruism here is astounding - you just don't get this class of home improvement goodness in other sections of the city. 

I am a reasonably polite person - stop laughing NOW. Most people would simply slam the door in his face. I think that's kinda rude and Mom taught me better (even though it's rude to interrupt my nap, dinner, or anything else I'm doing, by knocking on my door). I politely tell him no thanks, but have a nice day. As it turns out, he's hip to this, probably because no one else will give him the time of day (or belly button lint). He keeps talking. I wish him a good day again, at which point he brings out the big guns: "Oh, so you're not planning to DO anything about your mess of a house?"

I could choose to be insulted. I could pitch a fit. I could throw my car at him. But I figured all of these would require putting more time (and heaven forbid, effort) into this project, so the best way would be to question the species of whatever gave birth to him, continue to wish him the most spectacular of days, and slam the door so hard he literally blows across the street, where he'll undoubtedly bang on their door. What he does next is sheer genius... he tells my neighbor they're doing work on MY house and would he like a quote. The neighbor has no choice but to order some work, because if the Problem House on the block (mine) is getting something done, others would be ashamed not to. Fortunately this is no longer my problem.

Back to the couch I go, laughing at the sheer hilarity of what has become a comedy sketch about someone trying to simply take a nap. 

And nap I did. For damn near fifteen minutes, when ANOTHER knock occurred. This is getting tiresome, I though to myself, while continuing to snicker. Praying it wasn't another chance to sign up for work on my house, I opened the door to find my wife standing there.  As anyone would imagine, regardless of whether they know her or not, my wife has house keys. To this actual house. Our house. The house with the really comfortable couch, upon which I was just napping. Judging by the plastic bag she was holding in her mouth, it appeared she'd need help. Let's face it... if I were overloaded, coming to my front door, I'd either have my keys in hand or drop something and get my keys. Perhaps being a woman comes with some sort of entitlement to have locked doors opened for you; I certainly don't know.

Deciding to keep all of my parts intact, I let her in and grabbed some bags. Strangely, I then went back to the couch, perhaps because I like pain and aggravation.

My wife, bless her, made sure to do everything she could to avoid annoying me, like talking for twenty minutes about her day, what she had for lunch, what her friends were wearing, what we were thinking about doing next week, and how about that earthquake in Delaware. Sometimes she misses subtle signs, like the way I had the blanket wrapped around my head while I was laying flat, with my back to her. She eventually stopped talking, perhaps when she sensed my breathing stop (a trick I learned in Swami School in India, back during the war).

Mindful of my damn near sleeping state, she did not talk. She did, however, hum. Lately she hums constantly. I would be judged not guilty if I murdered her for the never ending humming but I'm not like that. I wouldn't kill her, or even bludgeon her. Or run her over, or throw her from the roof. Mom raised me better.  When she hums, I politely ask her to stop. Sometimes she's so involved in humming, she doesn't hear me. So I try again, using more volume. Finally she looks at me quizzically, asks if she was humming, and apologizes. Then starts humming again.

So she's humming, being 'quiet' while I rest. Being quiet means not asking me questions (sometimes) and walking around without kicking anything (a difficult task regardless of my state). So she walks around stealthily. And when I say stealthily, I mean BOOM, PLOD, SQUONK, PLOD, PLOD. Hey, at least she's not humming, right? She quietly plods to the door, where we keep our high tech backup alarm system, which consists of a few REALLY LOUD industrial size jingle bells on a three foot strip of leather, around the doorknob. She completely avoids slamming into the bells by simply knocking them onto the solid floor with a humongous CRASH RING RING RING.  Good thing I was resting, or I'd be really pissed.

It is at points like this that I can only think of the words I'm going to type on the blog to share with you, because there's no live studio audience to watch people torture me while I try to nap.

One last time, I beg of the universe. I just want a nap.

The next thing I know, I'm hearing my parents' voices. This is not a normal thing for me, especially when I'm sleeping and they're not in my house. But the joke was on me - they were in my house, being quiet because I was napping. I didn't hear them knocking on the door.

HEY... if I didn't hear them knocking, it means I was ASLEEP for three or four seconds. I had technically NAPPED!

she asked what I want for Christmas.

The Great Sock Crisis of the 2000's

Today I'd like to revisit an old, important, and painful issue: socks.

As some of my original readers might remember, I have had many issues around socks.  It started innocently enough, when I caught my wife snickering to her friends about throwing out certain socks.  The girls were all snickering along knowingly.  When I listened in, I discovered that my wife was systematically disposing of all my socks with colored stripes around them.

When confronted, she claimed it was only because they were worn out.  This might also explain why the new socks that tended to magically appear now and then had no stripes whatsoever.  You can call them Magic Socks if you like but I was pretty agitated when I discovered this nefarious plot.  And you have never experienced anything like a room full of women knowingly laughing at you (I hope).

Next up was the grief I experienced from my band, all older than me, some by ten years.  I appeared at an outdoor gig with shorts and suffered no end of teasing from my bandmates about my socks.  I checked for stripes but there were none, so I had no idea what was so funny.

This time the issue was height.  Yes, apparently my socks were too high.  After the trauma of the stripes, I couldn't imagine things could get worse, but there I was, with socks that were apparently way too tall.  Now I know for a fact that my socks did not grow: they were the same socks at the same height I had always worn them.  For purposes of identification, the packages say Crew Socks.  They have heels and come midway up the leg.  I refer to them as Regular White Socks, as I'd imagine most of us do.

A quick look around revealed that my bandmates were either wearing nothing or gay socks.  Now before you get your panties in a knot, my wife's best friend, a gay male, refers to socks that don't cover the ankle as gay socks.  My wife, thrower-out of all socks striped, confirms that I'm simply not a gay socks kinda guy.  I'd have to go along with that assessment.

I have to admit this was a bit of a surprise.  There I was, playing the guitar like a man possessed, totally unaware of my apparent Fashion Faux Pas, when the guys, impersonating the Fashion Police, dropped the sock bomb on me.  I was totally unprepared for it.

Fortunately the lead antagonist, the drummer, is also a bit OCD and complained additionally that my socks were not even (pulled up to the same level).  I pushed one all the way down, much to his vocal dismay, and did the rest of the set that way.  This might explain his performance that day.  Imagine... being picked on by a drummer!

Apparently the band was too polite(?) to mention my shorts.  Shorts, much like socks, have always been the same for me.  I managed to ignore the `shorts' that come below your knees, as well as the Multi-Person Pants, into which you can probably fit a small band, not to mention pants that look like you're going to walk out of them at any moment.  I'm opposed to crack in any form.

Our yearly outdoor pig roast is almost upon us and after looking at pics from last year, I have decided to avoid all of the usual hagging and criticism from my Queer Eye bandmates and just not wear shorts, thereby hiding my apparently way-embarrassing socks.  As they're expecting 500 people this year, that comes to 250 people laughing at each sock.

But things haven't all been sunshine in the sock department.  My niece looked on in horror as she patiently tried to explain socks to Old Uncle lefty.  She really tries to look less mortified as she attempts to correct my horrid abuse of clothing (and speaking) etiquette.  After her explanation, I realized that I had taken on the appearance of a Crazy Old Man who doesn't even realize that most of the known universe laughs at his socks (even when he wears them with long pants).  It was a sobering moment.

Unwilling to remain sober for too long, I consulted a coworker who is hip and only ten years my junior.  I thought for sure she would understand socks.  But nooooooooo..... she too recognized gay socks as the only socks.

My nephew apparently loves socks.  No one knows why.  He told my wife that if he ever wins the lottery, he wants enough socks to wear a new pair every day (aim high!).  Oddly enough, Jerry Lewis refuses to wear a pair of socks more than once.

I was feeling terribly old and decrepit (even though I'm in my late forties).  Suicide was contemplated but quickly taken off the table.

The other day I auditioned an additional band.  I liked their selection of music and they spent the entire time verbally assaulting each other.  It was a beautiful thing; just like where I work.  Everything seemed ok until I stopped and looked around.  Every one of them was wearing shorts that came past their knees.  Two of them wore gay socks.  The rest of them wore no socks at all.

I officially give up.

Welcome to ThermionicEmissions [or Please ask the dog to stop humping the cat]

I didn't start out intending to be a blogger.  I wanted to be a lumberjack.
No, actually I just had a stupid webpage and someone suggested this as a better outlet for my frustrations (and observations).

While I'm new to Blogger.com, I have several years of blogging under my belt.  I hope to bring these to bear in an amusing, thought-provoking, and sometimes alarming way.

The cute little fella in my avatar is my dog, Marshall.   He was named after those huge black amps you see behind all the rock stars.  Marshall is that most dangerous of dogs: a smart cocker.  He will sit there and watch to make sure we're not looking, then blast off to steal something; usually a treat or cat food.  There is nothing in life Marshall enjoys more than cat food.

PET FOOD BALLET

Every morning the wife and I get to participate in or observe Pet Food Ballet. This is a highly skilled maneuver involving Marshall and his sibling Ren (aka Satan) the cat, along with a bowl of dog food and a bowl of cat food.  Ren eats in the kitchen, behind closed louvered doors.  As soon as he's done, Ren opens the doors and heads right for the dog food.  This allows Marshall to get into the kitchen and get at the cat food.  Voila - Pet Food Ballet.

This is somewhat complicated by the fact that Marshall is pushing forty pounds, which is rather large for a cocker, and Ren is pushing twenty (we were told he's part lynx).  Last year we spent well into four figures treating Ren's diabetes and got him completely stabilized.  We were told to keep him out of the dog food because of this.  So Marshall doesn't need the calories and Ren doesn't need the carbohydrates

DON'T ASK ME HOW THEY FIGURE IT OUT

Both of the `children' have figured out how to open the bi-fold doors to the bathroom.  For the life of me, I cannot figure out how they figure this out.  We have had a total of three rescue cockers and two cats, all of whom have figured out how to open the doors to the bathroom.  This wouldn't be worth discussing if we didn't mind being on the loo and having one of two pets bursting through the doors to say hello.

But the bathroom holds other amusements too.  Marshall loves shredding tissues but prefers used ones.  What better place to find used tissues than the bathroom trash can?  If necessary he'll get a fresh one from the dispenser.  Occasionally Marshall enjoys a brief dip in the toilet too, which is usually followed by wet paw prints all over the place.


The one thing we can't figure out is why Marshall humps Ren.  They're both about seven year old fixed males.  I guess it's purely dominance but there is no conversation stopper so grand as Please ask the dog to stop humping the cat.

But don't let me have you believing that Marshall's loves stop at cat food, no sir.  Another favorite of his is coffee.  My wife knows everyone at Dunkin Donuts by name, such is the result of her manic coffee-drinking.  Marshall, being the smart cocker, somehow figured out how to remove the plastic lid from the styrofoam cup.

No, I did not believe this either, until I watched one day.  He gingerly took one nail and went around the lid, prying it up, around and around until the lid popped off.  At that point it was face-first into the cup and drink whatever he could get before Mom decided she wanted some.  From my wife's point of view, she was driving down the street and reached for her coffee.  The lid was in her pocketbook, there was precious little coffee left, and Marshall was licking his lips to get the remaining coffee residue from them.  Sometimes he gets the lid up by licking at it until it comes up.  He tried that tonight. The road noise was perfect camouflage for his coffee-stealing activities.

Today when I came home, Marshall had procured two extra large Dunkin Donuts coffees from up on tables, pried the lids off, and consumed the contents.  And it doesn't affect him at all.

TODAY'S QUESTION

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is all the rage these days.  Monk is a national hero.  Everybody has a `thing' they do or are uncomfortable with that can drive others nuts.

My wife, for example, must watch tv with the volume on an even number.  Since I cannot let anything alone, I will frequently set the volume up or down one so it's an odd number.  This drives my wife through the roof and we spend the next few minutes chasing each other around the couch in the endless quest for the remote control.

I don't have weird stuff like that.   Ok, maybe one thing... I prefer not to drive with things leaning on me.  If my wife's pocketbook lands on me while I'm driving, I get agitated.   Aside from that, I'm perfectly normal.  Heh heh heh.

So what is your weird little thing?  (please don't send pictures)