Unicorn Sightings Are Rare These Days

Peter Fonda's in the news, after he posted a tweet suggesting Barron Trump be ripped from his parents and put in a cage with pedophiles.

Melania Trump called the Secret Service.

Fonda deleted the tweet and apologized. We are assured that the Secret Service visit had nothing to do with the cracks in his skull, black eyes, and individually broken fingers.

We checked Twitter for Other Tweets Peter Fonda Deleted:

1. Obama is black, the bastard
2. Watch me put my penis in this pencil sharpener
3. DAMN my daughter is hot
4. I've got snails in my rectum

ABC has apologized for a graphic declaring Manafort pleaded guilty to manslaughter. What they meant to say was "Manafort builds model cars." Anyone could make that mistake.

• Many have predicted that the apocalypse will occur on the summer solstice, for some reason or another, ranging from Billy Graham dying to Kelloggs discontinuing Chocolate Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows. As the solstice has passed, some are starting to doubt the dire predictions. The people who predicted the tragedy said they made a mistake and pushed the date forward, but refuse to tell us when.
• Hollywood blames the NRA for the Apocalypse's failure to occur.

Speaking of proof of God's existence, Star Wars sequels have been put on hold after the most recent cash grab flopped. Also, there is only one treehouse show left on tv.

• Janet Jackson revealed her battle with depression.
• My wife is bipolar and has never bared her nipples onstage.

A woman is suspected of serving her ex-lover's remains at a barbecue.

Guests said, "He tasted like chicken."

• A Kansas man was charged for repeated attempts to have sex with a parked car's tailpipe. 
• The man's blood alcohol was four times the legal limit. His lawyer said, "There is no legal limit for having sex with a tailpipe."  Asked for comment, the man said, "It was a really hot tailpipe."
• Florida's Governor proposed a new state motto: We're messed up but least we didn't try to have sex with a tailpipe.
• Peter Fonda blamed Trump. Democrats called for gun control.

Canada has announced that it will not be attending the Philadelphia Guitar Show this year. The prime minister will be dress shopping with Celene Dion. A spokesman for Dion said she hopes to find him something nice and not too splashy.

• Guilt is twelve times stronger than gravity

Software tip: if you're looking for linux software that does what popular Windows software does, check out AlternativeTo - it also works for other operating systems. OS Alt finds open source alternatives to closed source or commercial software.

My new old office at home is proving quite useful, if for nothing else, escape from humanity. There is a phone on my desk, which makes me feel important. It isn't connected to anything, which also helps in my quest to remain invisible. It still has its original dust, which has kept the insects from taking over. One of the little buggers had developed speech and says stuff to confuse me during evening hours... it can successfully imitate my wife and gives conflicting orders, successfully imitating my wife.

Nothing has fallen and injured me, which is a very pleasant surprise, suggesting that the room exists in a parallel universe. The door, which doesn't shut fully, is actually the portal into the alternate universe. Thus far, everything is the same in the new universe: a profound disorganization, inability to find a single thing that I need, and every flat surface taken up with Stuff. This is precisely the kind of place Hoarders would put on tv, but there is no such show in this universe and the original show won't touch it because their union won't cross universes.

I have a new fan, with six speeds.. I feel so decadent using it. And it has a remote control, so I don't have to reach three feet over to adjust it.  My bigass old tube shortwave boatanchor receiver still works. Pro Tip: do not leave anything with batteries on top of this radio unless you want to see what happens to batteries when heated. In the winter, the radio will heat the entire office, if not the entire alternate universe. Still not answered is the question of why there is an odd number of speakers. Just like in the universe you know, the room eats screwdrivers. Unlike the universe you know, all the pens write. 

I need to speak to someone about getting cold running Snapple and hot running coffee. Somewhere is an old black and white tv. If I try to move it, one of the piles will fall on me and they'll never find my body. There are new popsicle sticks on my desk. There is a great story about these, but I don't know it.

The only serious difficulty occurred when I moved the wireless router into the office, rendering the rest of the house unable to connect. Unfortunately the wireless signal won't cross universes...

• A woman stabbed a stranger in the head with a high heel in a Queens subway brawl.
• Taken to Bellvue Hospital, the man required several staples in his head. A week later he was back at Bellvue because he tried to take them out with a staple remover he had on his desk.
• Democrats, England, and Canada demanded something be done about Shoe Control. Hollywood was strangely silent.

Saudi Arabia's ban on women driving has been lifted.
Saudi comics have requested American comics send them women driving jokes.

• In a nationwide phenomenon, people are dying in Walmart parking lots I told you that shopping there was dangerous.

California Congressman Maxine Waters, founder of Fairness in Politics, has ordered people to harass Trump officials in public places. "The thing I want you to know is that we're not desperate.  If anybody asks, blame it on the Russians."

Maxine also ordered the military to make fun of Trump's hair at White House appearances. "Nyah nyah should be enough to get our point across."

Asked for a quote, the republican party could not comment because it was rolling around on the White House lawn, tears of laughter running down its face.

Maxine also proclaimed God is on our side.
Reached for comment, God was really mad. He said a little birdie told him Maxine should make sure her affairs are in order.

It's a Car Chase in California!

Last night I was made aware of yet another car chase in California.  By law, it seems California has to have at least two of these per month.  The added bonus was that the police were chasing a tow truck, not a car.

Channel 7, the ABC affiliate, was streaming live video of the chase so I, as a dutiful internet denizen, tuned right in.  It was my wife's first televised car chase, so we were both pretty excited.  Yes, I know.. it doesn't take much.

All we knew is that a large phalanx of police vehicles were chasing a tow truck through California.  I'm sure residents of California don't find this exciting anymore but the rest of us, for whom this isn't a weekly occurrence, perked up our ears and eyes.

To begin with, this chase was different due to the tow truch driver obeying all traffic laws, with the possible exception of pulling over when told.  The guy was driving on city streets at the speed limit, signaling his turns, stopping at red lights and generally driving like a model citizen.  In fact, I understand the California Department of Transportation is going to use video of his driving to teach others how to obey the law, with the possible exception of pulling over when told.

The driver seemed to have no real plan, driving up through Hollywood, Glendale, and all sorts of other cities for which we non-Californians have no reference.  The guy appeared calm and didn't even cut other drivers off or brandish the finger.  This initially made the police wonder if he was even from this planet.  In fact, most of the California drivers behaved in exemplary fashion.

My experience in California was very different from life in PA.  I noticed that people yielded so we could get on the freeway instead of speeding up to cut us off, like at home.  The greatest trick my wife pulled was to turn an entire car full of seasoned California drivers white with a maneuver called Cross Four Lanes and Exit Immediately.  And then there was the wrong turn that allowed us to tour the scenic Compton neighborhood.

As car chases go, this one was not exactly a great example.  What made it memorable, especially for my wife, was the entire circus surrounding the event.  The most obvious amusing bits were provided by the folks at the ABC affiliate.  Three or four of them apparently felt it was their duty to speak throughout the event, regardless of the fact that they had damn near nothing to say and very few facts.  They carried on undaunted.

At this point, another astounding thing happened: the driver took off his safety vest.  The intrepid reporters spent a good five minutes on what this meant, no to mention the white tshirt he was wearing under the safety vest and what this could possibly mean for the chase.

Finally a scoop: a young girl who witnessed the event that started everything called the news.  Apparently the tow truck driver did not have the proper paperwork or licensing and drove off, triggering the massive chase.  They interrogated this poor fourteen-year-old with a vigor usually reserved for murderers, then asked if she witnessed the even with her mother.  But alas, the young lady admitted that she was with her boyfriend.

Fourteen year olds with boyfriends.  Well, this is California, you know.  She probably wasn't past her first divorce yet.

With a severe lack of new facts, the news team decided to discuss unknown specialist territory.  Since their entire knowledge of police procedure came from watching COPS, they started to discuss the relative merits of the PIT maneuver on a vehicle estimated at 7.5 tons.  Someone mentioned the dually rear tires.  Someone else mentioned the blue color of the tow bar and that it was hanging down in a manner that suggested it might be dragging on the street (only no sparks).  At this point the helicopter reporter chimed in and mentioned that there was an AAA emblem on the truck but that many private towing companies were contracted by the AAA.  Eventually they managed to get close enough to determine the name on the side of the truck.

At this point, the news helicopter that was filming the show had to return for fuel, prompting the news team to run previous footage of the chase and re-explain what had happened.

Meanwhile, an official lieutenant from the police called in to answer some questions.  This fellow, with all good intentions, said very little but maintained a very professional, calm demeanor.  If I were the tow truck driver, I'd pull over after listening to this guy.  He made it plain that there was no escape.  The hilarity continued as the news team debated the PIT maneuver and spike strips with the lieutenant, as well as what the charge might be.  They suggested felony evading (again, because they say it on COPS) but the policeman refused to be pigeonholed.

But don't think that the reporting staff had the only hysterical but inane input.  Apparently car chases are now a spectator sport in California.  People saw the chase on the news and came out onto the sidewalks to be a part of the Big Event<tm>.  They talked on their cell phones and waved at the choppers.  They held up their phones to video the tow truck as it went by.  Some even waved to the driver to become a lasting part of the great love-in that was this chase.

Not to be outdone, fellow motorists decided to get in on the act.  One fellow in an SUV kept pulling up to the tow trucks passenger side and yelling into the window, presumably in an effort to get the guy to surrender.  After a few lights, the truck driver grew tired of the pleading and rolled up his window.

After the SUV gave up, it was time for some guy on a motorcycle to try his hand.  He made his grand attempt from the driver's side but was blocked by an already-closed driver's window.  This guy apparently had no fear (but wore a helmet) and kept pulling up next to the truck to make his plea.  He ultimately failed but managed to stay in the shot for quite a while.  I'm certain his head shot is available somewhere now.

The reporters wasted no time at all in talking about how stupid, dangerous, and futile it was for citizens to get involved, especially as the police car convoy was hanging back half a block and not using lights or sirens.  I guess there's some sort of California law that states police cannot abridge the rights of criminals to flee by chasing them.  One of the reporters allowed as he was a bike rider himself and this was extremely dangers and should be left to the police.

Lacking any significant additional input, the bright and creative news team got the fourteen-year-old back on the phone to once again go over each little factlet for the benefit of new viewers.

By this point, the sidewalk crowds were growing exponentially; leaping, shouting and waving to the cameras.  The police were trying spike strips and failing completely.  Someone should probably explain to the last guy to try it that you need to deploy the strips in front of the vehicle.  Hurling them at the evading vehicle from the rear out of frustration is unlikely to produce a positive outcome.  Of course I'm speaking purely as a citizen - maybe the guy was right after all.  Maybe I watch too much COPS also.

This insane bit of fun went on for about two hours.  When my wife left the room for a moment, the tow truck driver stopped in the middle of the road, got out of the passenger side, and laid on the ground for the police. It was over.  No fatalities, wounds or traffic violations, with the possible exception of not pulling over when told.

Why We Dumped Fox News (and... )

Whoever described television as a vast wasteland seriously understated the issue.

We're a broadcast tv family, first because we couldn't afford the rapidly rising costs associated with premium television; second because there wasn't much more happening there than broadcast tv.

After a year or two without cable/dish, we have come to a number of sad conclusions. 

1. There is little to nothing of value on broadcast tv
2. Broadcast networks don't care and run infomercials to prove it
3. Public tv is the only ray of hope left
4. If you want to watch anything other than reality shows, you're screwed
5. You will not escape with anything approaching information from the news
6. There is not one original idea in television

I was all set to be happy, not paying for dish programming.  What I discovered is that the quality of broadcast programming is horrendous, almost as if the networks are just biding their time until everyone just gives up on watching it.

In addition, the switch to digital was way overhyped and not in our best interest.  What else could we expect from the FCC and our friends in D.C.?  The signal strength is dismal, it requires additional equipment to function, and the weather has a negative effect on the picture.  There is no fuzziness - it simply stops working.

THIS IS NEWS?

We always hear about liberal (or conservative) bias in news.  Fox News is known for its conservative bias.  In spite of this, we became a Fox family, largely as my wife tends to watch it a lot (note: we're libertarians and there is simply no news available with a libertarian bias).  Since it's local news, they tend to add in all sorts of local angles, spending way too much time on Things That Are Not News.

When Americans Idle got popular, they used to feature all sorts of stories about it.  Why this qualifies as news is completely beyond me.  Since X Factor is starting up, there are all sorts of stories about it.  In fact, Fox News has become little more than a commercial for X Factor, along with other reality shows that come on after the news.  It's bad enough we're inundated with an insane amount of inane commercials for the shows; now we have to deal with them in the guise of news.

To add insult to injury, Fox News is now all about social networking.  Quite frankly, if I were interested in what's happening on Twitter or Faceyspaces, I'd look there; not my nightly news.  Of precisely what news value is Faceyspaces Friend of the day?  During the recent, ridiculously overhyped hurricane Irene, the news kept going to their `social media center' to tell us what people were saying online.  Even when there is no severe weather, the anchors seem to spend a frightening amount of time glued to their cell phones and laptops, frequently while speaking.

Whatever happened to reporting the news?

My wife finally awoke to this nonsense (or got tired of hearing me point it out) and declared we were switching news stations.  The first night, our local CBS news seemed to spend most of its on-air time on sports, plus a bit of weather.  And a lot of Dancing with the Stars.

We're not getting much world news.  We're getting nothing of value (yes, lefty, that's the idea).  There is still a news blockade on the mention of Ron Paul.  We hear nothing about the protests on Wall Street.  We do get to hear about Brad Pitt's relationship with Jen Aniston.

Bread and circuses.

Our ABC affiliate featured local stories of virtually no import.  Plus stories on reality tv.

My wife and I looked at each other in stunned silence.  The others were almost as bad as Fox News in their own ways.  Television is clearly not the place to go for anything resembling news (regardless of your preferred bias).

I know public television has some nightly news shows.  They're next on the viewing list.  After that, I'm going to continue my video news blackout and get my news from the `net, where there are infinite amounts of bias and sources to be had.  Perhaps back to shortwave a bit too.

Where do you go for a dose of something that looks like truth?