Morning Late in the Afternoon

Your love is like   green eggs and spam

So, Trump's in trouble again.

Today I identify as  the only "offensive" street sign in California that hasn't been changed

Respected snake researcher dies from rattlesnake bite

No one saw it coming....

Why Are People Moving Out of California?

They hit their heads on the renamed politically correct street signs and experienced a moment of clarity?

• When are the supply chain issues going to end? 

Conspiracy Theories and Uncertainty About Monkeypox Are Spreading Really, Really Fast

Let's clear our heads for a moment and think about what happened with the Flying AIDS, then wonder why there are conspiracy theories. It doesn't seem that far out to me...

So I was sleeping, kinda. I got up for a moment and cursed the guy next door, who was pounding on something. I wondered how early it was and how he had the nerve to be making that kind of racket on a Sunday.  Looking at my watch, I grumbled because he was banging in the morning at 2:30pm. Oh. It was entirely possible I needed some sleep the previous night. They call it a sleep deficit. Of course it's a sleep deficit; it can spend some quality time with my house deficit, car deficit, sex deficit, and financial deficit. It's a life of deficits, as some annoying old man said hundreds of years ago. Wife celebrated by falling out of bed. She doesn't drink either.

So at 2:30, I came to the stunning realization that Wife didn't set her alarm for early, so we could visit one of those 'quaint' little towns in the morning. I asked, but she was too busy falling out of bed to answer. I suddenly realized what a tremendous idea she had. No one bothers you for anything when you fall out of bed. I could make a career out of it, but I fear the floor isn't padded well enough to protect my body after a few tries. I could get one of those Traumatic Ass Injuries. Plus I think she doesn't like setting her alarm because then she'll have to wake me. This is an activity best performed from across the street. Or across the state. I am not pleasant when awakened. Come to think of it, I am not pleasant.

After falling out of bed lost its steam and became boring, I left the bed, in search of coffee. The bed is a bad place to get coffee, kind of like the basement. Since I haven't gotten my Coffee-to-the-Desktop app going, I'm limited to the general area of the coffeemaker. After making myself a proper cup of brown gold, I found the effort taxing and was ready for my first nap of the day. This is what weekends are for. Weekdays too, as soon as I get my boss to approve it.  

It's a beautiful day out, with nice summer temperatures (it's not 90). We have lots of sunlight left, so it's good napping weather. Since I'm awake, the neighbor has stopped pounding on whatever he was pounding on. If we go by the obvious clues, he purchased the house to wake me up. It gets listed as a skill on his resume.

I heroically decided to push through the tired and find something to do. When not napping, sitting is good, so off I went. Unfortunately that was the end of my ideas of what to do, so I needed something that required little awakeness, thought, or effort. That's why I'm typing this now. Unfortunately, sitting is usually a prelude to getting tired, requiring a nap. I am unsure if this counts as my second nap or first nap, even though I didn't avail myself of the first one. I couldn't spend any more time on this kind of frivolity, so I figured it would solve itself during the nap sometime.  After a few well-had naps, it turned out to be 6:00. 6:00 is one of those times. It occurs every day at the same time. To some it's dinner time. In our case, we both sat there, staring at each other, inquiring what we were having for breakfast. No, it's not dinner just because it's 6:00. It's my first meal of the day, so it's breakfast - sue me.

Wife asked me what time to set her alarm for tomorrow morning. I smell a trap.

No, they're absolutely not tracking you

• Facebook’s In-app Browser on iOS Tracks ‘Anything You Do on Any Website’

 

• Facebook can track your Internet history and credit card number on other websites

 

• Data brokers amass profiles of pregnant women – and, of course, it's all up for sale

 

• GM Makes $1,500 OnStar Subscription Mandatory on GMC, Buick, Cadillac Models

 

• Amazon’s Roomba Deal Is Really About Mapping Your Home

           (told you so... now Bloomberg agrees)

 

• 'Ring Nation' Is Amazon's Reality Show for Our Surveillance Dystopia

There are two kinds of people; men and women.

No, there are four kinds of people; men, women, now, and eventually.

I'm a man and a now.

Wife is a woman (really!) and an eventually. It is safe to say that if we had a fire, she would take so long to get ready, she wouldn't make it out.

This can best be illustrated by the simple act of getting out of the car.

We went to a hamfest, which is an electronic flea market, concentrating on amateur radio. This is fun for me, even if I can't explain why. I park, open the door, and head straight for the tables. This is also what happens at restaurants. It is not so simple for Wife. Wife is not a girly girl, so none of this involves makeup or hair manipulation.

Park. Step out. Close door. Let's ROCK!

She is still in her seat.

Gets tangled in seatbelt. 

Does things with pocketbook.

Looks for stuff.

"Can you open the trunk?"

Yes, Dear, now that I've locked the door, let me unlock it and open the trunk.

Does more things with pocketbook.

Fills out raffle ticket for tomorrow, after intense search for pen.

Steps out door.

Remembers something else she needs.

At this point, I'm tired of idling and moving toward agitated.

What do you need in the trunk? 

"A bag, in case we buy anything."

Smart.

"I wonder if I should bring the black mesh one. The flowery one is bigger. I really like the blue one with elephants in a barbershop quartet."

JUST GRAB A BAG 

"Oh, I called my mom yesterday. She said...."

Can we please get moving? 

"Oh, sorry. But just let me tell you this."

NO. 

"Mom said my sister is visiting for the summer. Isn't that something?"

Oh yeah, it's something alright. I just don't know WHAT 

"What are we doing for dinner?"

Is there any way we can move this along a bit? The flea market closes in four hours and I wanted to see a few tables.... 

"Oh, sorry. I'm thirsty."

Didn't you bring your water bottle? 

"I forgot."

Anything else? 

"I have to go to the bathroom."

I told all of you to go before we left. 

"I'll go to the building and look for one."

Why are we standing here, outside the building? 

"I need a cigarette."

My entire fscking life is run by cigarettes and I don't even smoke. 

"Where can I get a soda?"

At home, or one of the 37 convenience stores we passed on the way here. How about that coffee we stopped for?

"I want soda."

Of course you do.

"Ooh, did you see her earrings?"

No, I don't track earrings. I was looking at her breasts.

"I'll bet you were."

Hey, don't get on my case - I'm a Subject Matter Expert.

"I'm going to ask her about the earrings."

You better hurry up - the hamfest just closed and everybody's packed up. Maybe next time we should arrive two hours in advance, so we can see something. Anything at all. Or we could save a lot of gas by not going. 

Me: now.  She: eventually.

If I ‘Had a Penis’ I’d Be President
Elizabeth Warren slams disgusting misogyny of Democratic voters

I call fake news. Warren could just identify as a penis.

 

CDC no longer gently recommends COVID precautions most weren’t following anyway

Unvaccinated people no longer need to quarantine and physical distancing is de-emphasized.

They. Have. No. Fscking. Idea.

Dad restrains woman who stripped to underwear and tried to storm Jet2 cockpit - twice, yelling 'Allahu Akbar'

It turns out that this is the new in-flight entertainment. If the woman is attractive, they let her into the cockpit.

Knife-wielding muslim attacks Salman Rushdie, ruins eye, puts him on ventilator.

This is your brain on religion

 It's bad enough we're stuck with Old Joe; Nancy Pelosi is 82. In 2018, she promised not to run again for House dem leader, but forgot and is running again. Dementia? Nah, naked political greed.

Study claims doctors aren’t warning young women about the dangers of anal intercourse

study also finds doctors aren't telling young women how much fun it is

A walrus, a protected species, was euthanized in Oslo because they couldn't guarantee the safety of people, who wouldn't stop coming up to her, sometimes taking pictures, sometimes with children.

Why didn't they just euthanize the people?

We're a sad species.

So I picked on Alice Cooper for golfing. His stories about interactions with other famous people are hilarious. Elvis, Raquel Welch, Peter Sellers, Mae West, and more.

 

At Least the DOG is Happy to See Me

After stumbling to the kitchen, forgetting where the dog food was, feeding the little darling and tripping over a pair of size 27 clown feet (mine), I decided to make a change. I got all positive and told the Universe it was going to be a great day.. an unprecedented day... a real change. As I said this, I tripped and fell backwards into a chair.

Unprecedented.

• My good friends at the supermarket have been busy lately. Remember, this store has a full time employee to follow me around, see what I buy, and stop carrying it immediately.  This is in addition to the Confuse the Customer Initiative, where they keep moving stuff around for no apparent reason.  "Coffee? - that's all the way up the other end." But it was here yesterday. "Yeah, we moved it."
• The latest victim was my creamer. The full time lefty impaler saw me buying this one brand and type of creamer. I don't need to tell you how important coffee is, right?  Within a month, they stopped carrying that flavor. As of the other night, they stopped carrying the brand.
• Every now and then I wonder how normal people live.

Dear lefty:

• What about Mondays?
• They are known to come right on the heels of Sunday, but one can have up to 5 of them per week.

Coworker Follies:

HIM: WAAAAAAAH - I can't get to that website! What's the address?

ME: Wait, I have to look it up - you use it every day, I don't.

HIM: Ok, got it. No, I don't. I can't get there. WAAAAAAH!

ME: what did you type?

HIM: is it an http or an https? 

ME: always assume S - for 'secure'.

HIM: what about the www?

ME: Did I tell you to use www?

HIM: No, but all web addresses use www.

ME: [eyes starting at the back of my own head] No they don't.

HIM: Well, I can't get out. This must be a bigger problem.

ME: Can you get to Google? Or whatever your default pr0n site is?

HIM: Yes.

ME: Then it's not a bigger problem.

HIM: Oh.

ME: The bigger problem is that you somehow got hired.

• I do not find it unreasonable for a phone's dictionary to have 'taser' in it. Apparently LG does.

Speaking of Judge Judy.... the woman stirs up thoughts of illegal actions. Don't even....

I realize that my previous idea of a show where people pay to watch people hit her with a 2x4 might be a little much, but why not a taser? Taze Judge Judy! Within one season, the national debt will be wiped out.

If, and I can't imagine why, people ever tire of watching Judge Judy get tased, we can expand things to Taze Your Favorite Celebrities!  Are you tired of people being celebrities for no reason? Taze the Kardashians! Taze the Talking Heads (news and music).  Taze Oprah! Think of the possibilities. After the national debt is paid off, we can give billions to charities. It's a win-win.

• Oops -Google has been caught again. This time it's the Nest security camera, which was just found to have a hidden mic in it. 
• Think about it - Google is literally spying on you. This is deliberate.
• Between Faceyspaces and Google, it's a race to see how much of your data can be slurped up. Are you mad yet?  No.

• Speaking of Faceyspaces, they were just discovered using their own technology to keep tabs on ex-employees they feel can hurt them.

Dear lefty:

• Woger Wainbow, from Wolling Wock, Wisconsin, asks where this crap comes from.
• Well, Woger, the voices dictate and I just type. Don't tell anybody.

This week's paranormal research turns up two great headlines:

• Invisible UFO Recorded on Infrared Camera in Wiltshire  .... well, if it weren't invisible, how could it be recorded?
• 'Elixir of Immortality' Discovered in Ancient Chinese Tomb ...... apparently not all that successful

Let's finish up with something light.

How to 'fix' healthcare in the US.

Having been in the medical industry, a consumer, and an advocate, I have some experience and knowledge on the topic.

The Bernie-ites want socialism, and claim healthcare is free, as is college. If you have a remotely healthy number of functioning brain cells, you know nothing is free, regardless of politics.

Big Pharma and Big Insurance want whatever will cost them the least. They have been paying for this for years and years and are always the best bet for winner. Blame your representatives, who take the bribes contributions.

The lower-income folks believe they should be covered regardless.  Libertarians believe it's up to family, friends, and private charities. Others say it's society's duty to help those who can't (almost the same thing). Still others say let them drown. I think this routine is disingenuous: if prices for healthcare were reasonable, this wouldn't be an issue.

The UK and Canada thumb their noses at us because their system is superior.

Ahem.

Both have developed private healthcare systems because the main one doesn't work that well. Wait times are sometimes ridiculous. I can't get an approximate from either as to how much their 'free' healthcare costs them yearly. Mental healthcare is horrid, regardless of what country you're in. 

So how to fix it, regardless of the opinions of corporates with money?

I have no idea.

I can tell you in older days, you paid the doc out-of-pocket for your visits and insurance covered tests and hospitalizations. If you have Obamacare, it's not really insurance, until you pay your $5k+ deductible (more for a family). Many people can't afford insurance anyway. You can always negotiate a cash price with a doctor, but that doesn't work as well with the hospital. Also notice that private practices are being gobbled up by [hospital name] Healthcare System. This can't be good.

So, there are a bunch of facts and issues. Now what?
Whatever it is will have to be drastic, otherwise we're bandaging a bleeding artery, like Obama and Trump.

Please suggest something.

Bottled Snakes?

So we smartasses know we're being tracked by our cell phones. Some of us don't care. Some of us are positively incensed, bordering on explosion. We turn off Location functions and the GPS, but we know we can still be located by cell tower triangulation.

We also know that apps use ad networks, potentially both spying on your location, and whatever other info they care to gather.

Well, guess what.... there's a new way to track us suckers. It takes 2,000 lines of code, inserted into an app that can go tens or hundreds of thousands of lines.  What can we do? Absolutely nothing at the moment. Well, that's not strictly accurate: you can turn off the phone. There are hardware and software features than can be implemented, but that depends on the phone manufacturer and Google (for android) or Apple (for iOS). Considering that manufacturers don't seem to bother pushing out security updates, I doubt we're going to see privacy upgrades.  Having said that, I'm not sure if we're going to see this code in apps, as there's detective work to be done to find where the phone thinks you are. This doesn't mean the operating system won't have it in the future.

When I said the only thing you can do is turn off the phone, I wasn't completely accurate. You can also firewall the phone and decide specifically where the app can go to, but that's only for really strict privacy weirdos, with control issues and way too much time on their hands (raising hand, sporting evil grin).

• New Zealand's airport customs folks, while examining packages, came across (non-live) snakes. Because there's always (non-live) snakes being sent all over the world.  Two of the little beauties were positioned on a base, 'standing up.' The other two were in jars. Because when we don't send taxidermied snakes, we send them in jars.

Knowledge Transfer

I believe in sharing knowledge, both at work and at home. Knowledge is power. 

Let's say you're going to England and want to sound like a native. Well, the first thing you have to do is learn the accent, which tends to vary from block to block. Then you have to learn the lingo.

Let's start: 

• When you need your car repaired, you take it to the GARRidge.
• If the plane goes down on the way over, the National Transportation and Safety Board (NTSB) will look for DAYbree. This is the kind of word you can be smug in knowing, but will not get a chance to use after the plane touches the ground.

Learning the accent and language are only two thirds of the package. For some reason known only to Julius Caesar (inventor of the dressing), the Brits spell words incorrectly. A lot of words. They watch their favourite television programmes in their vividly coloured pyjamas. In their defence, they pay for a television licence with aluminium foil. They keep their spare tyres in the boot of the car. Instead of a wrench, they use spanners. I have a cocker spanner.

England and the United States: two countries separated by a common language.

• There's another nephew orchestral concert this week. I'm already building myself up for the event. Wife suggested copious amounts of drugs. I may just go with the flesh-colored earplugs.

It's Saliva Time, Kids!

There is a Chinese delicacy called bird's nest, which is made from bird saliva. The Chinese are a very silly people.

Since this lovely dish is a delicacy, we can reasonably expect that Bird Saliva Harvester is an honored position in China. WANTED: Bird Saliva Collector for 1,500 year old Bird's Nest dynasty. All male heirs have killed themselves in advance, rather than take the position. Fair pay and ducks to hang in your window. No forks.

In the name of humanity, who thought up this dish?

After a bit of digging, it is rumored to have originated with a Mr. Too Faht, special cook to the King of China, in or around the year 245BBS (Before Bird Saliva).  The king wanted something new, something special, something so rare and delicious that the kings of other countries would be terribly jealous, when they gathered at their King Retreat, located at the fabled Basketball Stadium of China. Interesting historical note: archaeologists have ancient China mapped out, but have never been able to locate the Basketball Stadium. It is rumored that the reason the Stadium cannot be found is that it was located next to the mythical Chinese Driving School.

Too Faht, the cook, was a fat, lazy man, with the occasional brilliant idea. Unfortunately, the majority of his ideas were total shit. After the King's demand, Too Faht didn't want to bother because he had a planned an entire night of sitting. It was then that he came up with one of his more brilliant ideas. He would suggest something so disgusting, so supremely vile, that the King would lose his appetite and suggest Too Faht take the night off.

So the cook told the King of his latest idea for a delicacy, called bird's nest, made entirely of bird saliva. Too Faht stood there, visions of ChinaLoungers in his head, when the King thought about it and declared, "That must really be something Faht... make me one." And that is how we got Bird's Nest.

How the bird saliva is collected is a closely guarded secret, known only to Bird Saliva Collectors and their mentors, at Chinese Driving School. With that name, no one would think saliva collecting was going on, plus no one would show up at the school anyway.

• There is now a hair shampoo with caffeine in it. This way, at least your hair will be awake in the morning.

Our last installment featured news of more human feet washing ashore in Canada. In true American spirit, Detroit floated to the top, where human organs were found at a wastewater treatment plant. But that wasn't all. This was the second time in two days. Either the mafia is getting lazy or rank amateurs are attempting body disposal again.

• RAF Mildenhall is an American base located in England, where today, a man drove onto the tarmac, stopping just short of a CV-22 Osprey. After a brief firefight, the man was taken into custody. This is, of course, not terrorism. The base spokesperson hasn't see the video and the investigation is in its early stages, but she already knows it's not terrorism. America is lucky to have this kind of psychic talent on its side.
• He drove onto the airfield of an American base and parked near a plane. How in the Sam Hill (where did that come from?) did the man get near the military base? You have to have all your papers in order, including your birth certificate and whether or not you were breastfed to get onto a military base (don't ask how I know). If you attempt to breach the gate, you will quickly gather more holes than Swiss cheese. Maybe the airfield is accessible via a route other than the front gate, but that doesn't sound so tactically smart.
• Our friends at the TSA are worrisome enough, but now this?
• I remember when the Ospreys first came out. They had so many problems with it that the saying was "Boeing killed more of our people than the enemy." You'd think the guy would get out of the car and an engine would fall on his head or something.
• at least it's not terrorism.

How's Marshall?

Glad you asked. The previous chemotherapy stopped early because he's doing so well. He will likely go on oral chemo. The oncologist wants to do another operation, most likely due to the new kitchen she's planning. After all, we just finished paying off her Mercedes.

Meanwhile, Marshall is in great shape, physically and attitude-wise. He's running around like a puppy (at 13). He still whines a lot when he wants something. When we've had enough, we tell him. Then he goes to take a nap in the bed. He's an enigma, wrapped in fur.

In the Ridiculous Coincidence department, we were overjoyed that the oppressive vet bills have ceased. Maybe the Flying Spaghetti Monster would visit for FSMas after all! But it was not to be... somehow the city heard that there might be some discretionary income and sent a huge bill for funds not taken out of my check by my awesomely alert employer.

Certain schools of thought state that we live many lives, each time to learn a lesson.  If this were true, this time around, I'm learning to value what I have, as something always manages to suck up every dollar I make. I'd let you know what I find out, but there seems to be inexplicable difficulties involved in communicating post-mortem.

• it's another one of those weird weeks. For the second week in a row, it wasn't raining when I took the trash out (at gunpoint). Something's up.
• Speaking of weird trash, I've got something wrong with me. At this point you're saying "and it took you this long to notice?" I am utterly incapable of putting things in bags. Sure, I can grab some fries and put them in a plastic bag, but if I have to put something in an open trash bag, I will wind up wearing it or cleaning it up off the floor. My wife wonders why I won't go near her if she's holding a bag open, asking me to dump something inside it.
• It doesn't matter if she's holding the bag open with a three foot radius - whatever I try to put in it will wind up everywhere but IN it.
• I have yet to ask the doctors what happens in childhood that would cause this, because I have much more pressing issues to discuss with them.
• Someone suggested it might be related to my lack of basketball skills, but I pointed out that I'm equally horrible at all sports.
• I can put things into other things.... in fact, it's my favorite hobby. No one ends up wearing it*, nor does it wind up on the floor.  *unless specifically requested
• Sometimes I wake up screaming in the middle of the night. It's because I just had a horrible nightmare about trying to put one small bag into a larger bag. Eager to help, my wife bought earplugs.

France just halted an auction of a manuscript by the Marquis de Sade, referring to it as a national treasure. Eh - national treasure... instruction manual... whichever.

• President Trump, and his cadre of Very Smart IT People, have officially blamed Wannacry on North Korea. North Korea's response, from King Kong very Ill, was, "Nyah nyah, you can't catch me, imperialist pig, with your hair even sillier than mine!"

I'm thinking of getting politically involved...

Soggy Cocker

Happy After July 4th, folks. Check the emergency rooms for your friends and neighbors because the fireworks were flying, as well as the limbs and digits. I hope your pets were ok during the BOOMs.

• The Girl Scouts of America have announced a cybersecurity badge. To earn it, they have to hack Nordstroms or Macys and deposit their stolen booty into Bitcoin, with a receipt.

Since Marshall's pool went up, he likes to go out to do his business, then take a dip before he returns. Whoever lets him in yells SOGGY COCKER so the other one can make sure there are towels to cover his favorite spots. This tends to happen at 12am, before bed. Since he's mostly deaf, the fireworks did not bother him. Last year there was barking.

In less pleasant Marshall news, we saw some blood in his mouth and took him to the vet. It's a growth and he's scheduled for surgery and biopsy next week. Your best wishes because it's going to come up benign are always appreciated. He is in no discomfort and his behavior is absolutely normal (whatever that means).

• Out driving the other day, I noted a sign. It said "Do not stop on railroad tracks." We need a sign for this? There are actually people who stop on railroad tracks? Of course there are. Some very large law firm made a lot of money right before the sign went up.

My buddy learned something new last week: letters come back to you if you fail to affix a stamp. Life is for learning.

• We know CNN has given up any pretense of decent journalism and pretty much makes things up at this point. After the recent very silly, unpresidential Trump tweet, CNN actually managed to locate the person who made it, got an 'apology', and threatened to publish his name and info at any point in the future. This, me hearties, is blackmail.
• Would Walter Cronkite do this?
• Have they gone insane?
• This has absolutely no relation to journalism.
• With the 'detective work', CNN has pissed off Reddit, where they discovered the artist. It is very dangerous to piss off Reddit, so things should get interesting shortly...
• If this bothers you, stop watching CNN.

I tend to misbehave. I'm particularly bad at funerals and churches. And weddings, which are technically funerals where you can smell your own flowers. My buddy is an alcoholic and I volunteered to go to a meeting for support. It turns out I also exhibit misbehavior at AA meetings...

• you do not tell anyone you're powerless over the effects of chocolate
• if asked to share, do not start out with "Three nuns walk into a bar..."
• noting that meetings are the place where you exchange your alcohol addiction for your coffee and cigarette addiction is also frowned upon
• breaking out into song and sighing while looking at your watch can earn you some pretty nasty looks
• telling the story about three hookers and so much Jack Daniels that you had to be told what you did with the donkey is very amusing, but should probably wait til long after the meeting is over

My friend thanked me profusely, noting that he felt so supported that he didn't need any more support for quite a while. Sounds like win/win to me.

• Everybody's favorite network, Faceyspaces, won another one in court, when a suit was thrown out over tracking users after they signed out. The judge said the plaintiffs did not show harm or prove a reasonable expectation of privacy.
• Solution 1: do not use Faceyspaces. I know you're surprised that I'd suggest this, but we must do what we must do.
• Solution 2: the tracking takes place via cookies. Disable cookies-at least 3rd party cookies. This may make FB behave strangely (moreso) but it's worth a shot.
• Solution 3: use browser addins that aggressively block and clear cookies - especially trackers. Ghostery will stop trackers and works on most, if not all, browsers. Firefox has a Self-Destructing Cookies addon, plus BetterPrivacy
• Solution 3+: configure your browser to 'forget' history when you close it. This will remove all cookies, data, and history. It can also be accomplished by using the Private Browser Window in most browsers: the moment you close the window, all data is erased. It is important to close this window/browser or your data will be available to the next places you visit.
• FYI: cookies are tiny text files that sit on your computer, placed there by sites and ad networks. They remain after you log out or leave pages, where all subsequent sites can read them. How did one site know you looked at lawnmowers on another site? Cookies. How can they possibly know to put an ad for Tampax on a completely different site? Cookies. How is a detailed profile of you built up on Faceyspaces and across huge ad networks? Cookies. How can all of your information eventually be matched up, with income and other personal details? Cookies. Your choice.

A huge WWE leak has exposed the data of three million wrestling fans. The bad news is somewhat mitigated by the fact that most of them don't know their own data.

• You're probably asking yourself "How do I protect myself from this ransomware and malware he's always going on about?" Here are some safe strategies:

1. Don't go online.
2. Don't do anything stupid.
3. Keep your operating system up to date/patched
4. Don't do anything stupid.

Parents have been warned over exploding fidget spinners powered by Bluetooth. Yes, everything's better with Bluetooth. Related: do not get them stuck on your penis.

• Read about the Military Industrial Complex's war for our data. Article references the UK but the idea remains the same.

We're Gonna Do Something DIFFRENT Tonight

The head of Germany's spy agency claims that Russian hackers will disrupt the upcoming election. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a potential winner. Whenever you don't want something to happen, claim that the Russians are going to hack it. This should be useful for everything from local elections to presidential elections to getting out of tests in school.

• Are you enjoying Uber? Know that with the latest software upgrade, the app is tracking your location, regardless of whether you're in an Uber or not, so long as you have it running in the background. And it wants access to your address book.  Take a moment and ponder what this means... your location, 24 hours per day, plus your contacts... that would be the end for me but I celebrate by not using Uber in the first place.

Kelloggs, the cereal people, has decided to pull its advertising from Breitbart, a right-wing news network. As soon as the news hit, Breitbart users initiated a boycott against Kelloggs. Things are shaping up to be interesting, with existing boycotts against other companies. I'm not exactly a Breitbart reader but this is shaping up to be an active season. There is actually a list of active boycotts, which becomes ridiculous as you have to check it every five minutes if you're shopping. Fortunately I'm already boycotting the NFL (I don't do sports), Pepsi ( you couldn't pay me to drink it), and various others.  The one that really confuses me is a potential banning of Trump's Twitter account. Do you really want to 'censor' the president's account? And what does this say about the media in general?

• The FBI has, through no surprise, gotten the legal OK to spy on any computer, anywhere in the world. All they need is a handy judge to approve things and they're off. Somehow I don't think this is the type of government the Founding Fathers had in mind. I urge you to read this.

Yes, it's the appliance you've been waiting for: the wifi-enabled 6-quart slow cooker. Walmart has it for a great price. The only problem is that it doesn't work if wifi is down and you can't hook it to your wifi anyway. Aside from that, it's a handy device and a bargain.

• Reminder not to wait to update Firefox and Tor browser. Do not put it off. Nasty hack available for it makes it unsafe to run. Period. If it asks you to upgrade, do so. If it doesn't ask, download the new version. Or don't, but your system might be used to hack something and you don't want the nice people at the FBI to stop by your place for a nice visit.

Most computer infections these days come from removable USB devices. With that in mind, you need to protect your systems, particularly the USB devices. No need to worry, folks, because now there's a USB Condom. The device technically disconnects the data pins of your device, allowing only electricity to flow. I'm not entirely sure you'd want to use a device without data, only to charge, but we are assured that this is THE device to have. I think I'll wait a bit.

• As if Faceyspaces weren't enough to get your Really Good Social Media Juices<tm> going, one can now be a Social Media Influencer. As best I can tell, if you have a Metric Shitload<tm> of followers, they apparently hang on your every word and will be influenced by the things you say (type). As if this weren't Boffo enough, you can add Social Media Influencer to your profile. This may encourage companies to give you Free Shit<tm>. It might also cause potential followers to laugh hysterically at you and all of your offspring, born or potential.  Amongst other things, the Influencers are generally good-looking, which rules me (and most of social media) out. Companies will PAY you for your influence. If there were only a commercial platform for sarcasm, I'd be rich beyond my wildest dreams.

One of the disadvantages of buying concert tickets online is the targeted ads from the ticket vendors. One sends me 'hand-picked suggestions'. After Rick Astley and Sarah Silverman, I unsubscribed. Apparently their algorithms are what we refer to as really f-d up. Also recommended was the For Today Farewell Tour. I didn't even know there was a First Tour.

• The inventor of the Big Mac has left the planet. I said I'd be nice to McDonalds, as they closed their Gaitlinberg store to provide food to residents and firefighters - a Fine Gesture. If I hadn't promised to be nice, I'd have said something like "arteries across the world have started unclogging," but I'm a man of my word.

Hey, have you been on the Adult Friend Finder site? They were hacked in October, alerted, and finally have their Best People on it. Just so you know, they also kept data on deleted accounts. Their passwords were not protected either.  Just don't, ok?

I sure picked a bad day to stop taking amphetamines. No, wait.. to sleep late. It's been a while since I got to sleep late. I didn't get to last weekend because of some work on a space project which I cannot divulge. Today was a day or pure joy - sleep until I was done. Then nap.

Almost on cue, the neighbor's company arrived. And when I say company, I mean the guys who showed up to cut down her tree.  I'm sure they were delightful guys (they were guys, or at least chicks with really deep voices) but I try not to mix tree-cutting with sleep. The neighbor called, bless her, to tell us to move our car out of the driveway, lest we have to submit a rather large insurance claim.  Can you imagine trying to figure out which insurance company is supposed to handle this? They could successfully keep this in the legal system so long that our estate would have to handle it. We'll have to leave instructions to disburse the money to the dog(s).

The actual tree-cutting wasn't all that bad, but the trucks were insane. I kept banging my head on the headboard and cursing the tree-downing profession. As if that weren't pleasant enough, they were disposing of the tree's remains on the spot, which meant a chipper. For those of you not familiar, it's a wheeled device into which they feed tree bits. It has a whirly chopping blade-thingy inside, which renders the tree bits to sawdust. One would think this would also be a great aid for disposing of bodies, but one would be incorrect. The evidence, as it were, would be all over the place. You need a device that will properly (and untraceably) dispose of the evidence (but don't tell anyone you read it here).

Wife warned me in advance not to let Marshall outside, as he'd want to stand there, like an idiot, barking his head off at them, not moving. Again, as if precisely on time, Marshall had to go outside. I think the wife knew before she left and was counting on my semi-dead state to not question and laugh hysterically at me once she left. Marshall used to bark when he wanted to go out. Now he stands there, whining pitifully. If that fails, he approaches, puts his head on my arm and whines. This will go on until he gets what he wants. This is also how he runs the entire house. He's now getting medically special dog food that he hates. So we located medically special dog food in varieties, like chicken and vegetables and beef stew. Let me tell you, there isn't a whine to be heard when he goes face-down into his food bowl. It's cleaned, so well that you couldn't tell it was a dog food bowl approximately 90 seconds ago. And a family of four could eat cheaper than one can of this food.

Half dead, I donned my shoes, checking to see if my pants were already in-place (they were - it was a good morning) and prepared to drag myself outside so I could watch him go to the bathroom (like he does to us every day) and keep him from barking like a loon at the tree guys. But Marshall, being much smarter than me, saw me putting on my shoes and decided that this meant I was going somewhere without him. He assumed his Sad Perch on the steps and prepared to look pitiful and alone. It took five minutes to convince him I was taking him outside. Once outside, he immediately rushed to the side of the house and started barking at the tree guys like a loon. This was confusing, as this is the same spot he uses to bark once at the neighbor so she will bring him a treat.

He thought he would evade my please to return to the house by hiding in the bushes. What he failed to realize was that it's almost winter and there are no leaves on the bushes under which to hide. I finally got him in the house, but not until after he discovered a convenient muddy puddle and stood in it for a bit, obviously contemplating the meaning of life or other Spaniel Mysteries. We now know why he comes in the house with wet paws and leaves sticking to him.

Good thing we made it into the house when we did, because Drama had just broken out with the tree guys. One guy, who we'll assume was the boss, was yelling at his minions, telling them not to come to work until they were ready to work. This progressed to how he was going to get two new minions because these two were nothing but grief. At this point, the smarter minion (we'll call him Leroy for no particular reason at all) fired up one of the heavy pieces of equipment, as if to signal to Boss that he couldn't hear him - he was too busy working.

I desperately wanted to go back to bed but couldn't. I wasn't too upset, though, as the unstable compound I slipped into the chipping device while they were arguing would combust the next time they turned it on.

Pneumonia, Parkinsons, Pexhaustion, Pwatever

Friends: thanks for reading. Although this blog is the 'best kept secret' on Google, I appreciate you loyal folks.



ING's data center in Bucharest, Romania, was knocked offline over the weekend during a fire extinguising test. Are you ready for this? It was caused by inert gas. No so much the gas itself, but the noise of the escaping gas. It got to the heads on the hard drives, ruining them. The site went offline and the company relied on its backup data center, seriously inconveniencing its customers. Good to know: noise will not affect solid state drives. So don't fart too loudly in front of your computer.

Can you believe I get paid for this shit?
Just kidding.

• Apparently the version of android tracks you even if you uninstall Google Maps. Lovely. The only way to avoid this is to disable GPS and only activate it if/when you need it. I saved myself by disabling GPS when I got the phone. You might also want to do this.

Seagate, the hard drive manufacturer, is in trouble. Their H/R department fell for a phishing scam, released all sorts of W-2 data, and now the employees are suing.  Does phishing rhyme with fishing?

• If Hillary Clinton had a heart attack outside her ambluance and fell on the ground, her supporters would say "she just needed a nap - why are you picking on her?"
• Speaking of Hillary supporters, they're lining up to meet her and catch her pneumonia as a remembrance.

BREAKING: three people killed, tripping over adapters needed to use headphones with new iPhones. See Airpod samples.

• Elon Musk says pending Tesla updates could have prevented fatal crash. Oopsie.

A woman is suing the manufacturer of her (phone-connected) dildo because it knows too much about her. Folks, if you buy a FitBit, a VagBit or anything else phone-connected, the data will flow upstream from your phone. Rest assured it will be used for marketing, at very least. If you can deny internet permission for the app, do so. Otherwise, firewall it or just Don't Use It.

Again, I use No Root Firewall on my phone. As the title indicates, you don't need to root your (android) phone to use it. The moment I installed it, I saw a frightening amount of data leaving my phone. Why do my file manager, internet radio and others so desperately want to contact Faceyspaces? Why do apps need to go to the internet when I'm not using them (or at all). No Root Firewall is not for everybody - you have to have a real interest in privacy and a few moments here and there to decide what YOU want to let contact some address outside of your phone. Allowing one app might allow all sorts of addresses you don't need to contact, so you have to go with granular permissions (yes, it may contact the addresses it needs to do its job but not Faceyspaces or ad networks).

• Today is International Chocolate Day. What 'they' are not telling you is that EVERY DAY is International Chocolate Day. Don't be fooled.

A man using stolen wifi from a neighbor's unlocked system downloaded and distributed child porn. Whose house do you think the authorities raided? That's right.  Secure your wireless.

• As we know, I'm no Trumpian, but I find the charges of racism to be manufactured. If he said to deport illegal aliens, that's not racism- it's the law.
• Come on with the Hillary Health Hoo-Ha. The woman is sick; all that remains is a correct diagnosis. First it was dehydration, then is was pneumonia, per her own campaign. Then the press that she owns said she tripped. Lie upon lie, although her supporters say this is all Trumped up. The Kool Aid is unbelievable.
• Meanwhile the Great Unwashed are most concerned with Various Activities performed by millionaire football players during the national anthem. Can you say diversion?

Happy 70th to Freddie Mercury. Rock on.

• Got a Samsung 7? I'd do something with it before it does something to you. They're catching fire and exploding. Using one is now discouraged on airplanes. Discouraged? Ban the damn things. Those hoverboard things were banned... do you want one of these on a plane? Btw, this is not the only phone with this problem.

inSecurity News for the Week

When the US Army found it difficult to locate IT people with the correct certifications, it did the only logical thing it could: lowered the requirements.

Hey, remember the break-in to the Utah Department of Health's Medicaid server?  It turns out the damage is just a teeny bit worse than suspected, to the tune of ten percent (280,000 Social Security numbers).  Ah, what's a decimal place or two?

The Department of Justice just seized more than $896,000 and seven domain names for selling counterfeit sports apparel.  Isn't it great to see your tax dollars hard at work (supporting large manufacturers)?

Just in case you thought the TSA could manage to stay out of the news for a day, another TSA worker has been charged with child porn.

Perhaps next time you buy a cell phone it will come with the new Broadcom chip that can help locate you to within centimeters! Won't it be nice to know that Faceyspaces can locate and market to you while you're in the mall or an underground parking facility?  Or worse?

Just in case you wondered why unmanned drones are being used by local police, check out this guy, who got arrested and will be suing.  No good will come of drones.


Dear Readers: please keep your systems patched, antivirused, and up to date.  Windows is releasing a boatload of fixes to their buggy operating system.  Java and Flash will now auto-update if you allow them to.  Regardless of whether you use linux or one of the inferior operating systems, you need to keep everything current.  This includes you 600,000 infected Macs.

Remember - the majority of hacks are caused by not patching.

HTC Sensation 4G Early Review

My employer (the Twilight Zone<tm>) made the decision to go from expensive and reliable (Verizon) to less expensive (T-Mobile).  This has caused some rumbling, as T-Mobile doesn't have the best reputation for coverage.  It will likely cause a lot more rumbling.

Some of the folks in my department went by a recommendation and opted for the HTG Sensation. 

I come from a different cell phone point-of-view.  My most recent phones were a Treo 650, Treo 700, and an original Droid.  I still fondly remember my Treos - they simply did what I wanted to, worked, and didn't give me a lot of grief.  I have little to no use for The Cloud, preferring instead to sync locally.  It's a privacy and security issue, which means it's pretty silly to use a Google (Android) phone, but here we are.  They're still the best phones for my money and purposes.

My Droid, like the phones before it, was getting long in the tooth and I was looking for a larger screen and faster processor.  Both criteria were met with the Sensation.

The screen appears to be one of the biggest and clearest available.  The default clock is so large, blind people and Space Station residents can read it.  The performance is beyond snappy, leaving the Droid in the dust (as well as the Samsung Galaxy).  It's even a hair faster (subjectively) than the Xoom I used for a while.

The phone isn't has heavy as the Droid.  I don't really care about weight so this is for reference.  Although it's lighter, it feels every bit as sturdy, although the rep cautioned me against driving nails with it (he also didn't know what ROOTING is, so I'm taking his advice with a grain of salt).  It fits nicely in the vertical pouch I used for the Droid, saving a few bucks.

Thus far there have been no coverage issues.  4G is very nice, where available.  The phone has wireless and wired tethering available, which is good, as the company paid for it.  The upgrade from the Droid was seemless, even though I'm not fond of storing data in The Cloud.

I have no serious gripes (yet, but it's early).  The volume available from the internal speaker isn't as loud as the Droid, which I liked.   Charging through a usb port took forever (the phone has a micro-usb connector).

Trying to use my own ringtones was a hemorrhoid.  I located where the ringtones were in the phone's directory hierarchy and attempted to copy mine there, which failed.  That aside, mine became available shortly after.  No idea how to make my notification tones work instead of the horrid existing ones but all things in time.

A token complaint is that I can't stand moving things into a circle to operate or answer the phone.  I will live.  A slightly more serious complaint is that I saw email sync even though I had all sync turned off.  This might be a result of some security software we use at work but I'm not sure.


A STRANGE KIND WORD

Just for fun I tried out Slacker Radio.  I have had really poor luck with these kinds of services, where I select one or two artists I like and allow the service to recommend more.  How anybody gets from Jeff Beck to Joe Jackson, I'll never know (and I don't want to know).

So I typed in Jeff Beck and got a lot of suggestions, number one being Jeff Beck Radio.  As big a shock as that was, the next few artists out of the box were Gregg Allman, Little Feat, and Joe Walsh.  Boy, the quality of the algorithms must have gotten much better - I'm liking this.

THE ROOT ISSUE

I rooted my Droid and never looked back.  One of the happiest days with that phone was removing Facebook, Twitter, and the other detritus that Verizon shipped with it.  T-Mobile shipped its own stuff with the Sensation but none of it is a deal-breaker (nor is it removable without root).

Since I've had the phone for less than twenty-four hours at this point, I'll leave rooting for further consideration.

DON'T TRACK ME, BRO

I try to minimize my visibility.  To their credit, HTC or T-Mobile put the tracking screen up front in the setup.  You might not call it the tracking screen but I do - the GPS and location services.  OFF, I say!

All in all, I like this phone.  I'm hoping for good clean fun until the next phone arrives.  Now if I could only remember which one that is and when...

[stay tuned for the Samsung Galaxy review]