Your love is like old open canned tuna
Yes, the Zero G Network: just like the 5G network, but with 5 less Gs.
Today I identify as my dog
Pfizer today announced 'many Omicron variants' are really 'sneaky' and are ganging up to hit this winter. They suggest a very long and expensive course of vaccines.
President Biden heard the plight of Nicolas Cruz, the Parkland shooter. His attorney fees are in the hundreds of thousands of dollars. The president gave him a few million to make sure the poor lawyers wouldn't suffer while Cruz was languishing in prison forever. The president stated that suffering lawyers are bad for the entire legal system and we can't have that sort of thing going on in these United States.
Meanwhile, VP Kamila Harris vowed that Biden's few million dollars would go to black attorneys first. After the Secret Service tackled her (again), it was announced that the money would go to everyone equally, even if they couldn't find any black or minority lawyers in the crowd. UC Berkeley was incensed, voting to take off the rest of the week, and burning down a few of their own buildings. Firemen stated there were no Jews in the building when it was burned. UCB grumbled.
Speaking of the Parkland trial, I have never seen such vehemence after a verdict came back. Cruz got life in prison. The entire observing area wanted death. Now, if possible. It was stunning.
My mom used to tell me she didn't understand people wearing jackets and shorts. She made a very good point. I countered with hip guys wearing wool hats in the summer.
Sign at Jiffy Lube: Gluten-free oil - get it now before it's gone
As I have mentioned here, a man I truly respect is Ben Franklin. The intelligence, the wit, the playing around on 2 continents (ssssshhhhhhhh). As if his actions weren't enough, he left a ton of wise sayings. I want to leave wise sayings as part of my legacy. Let's see how I'm doing, vs Ben...
“He that lies down with Dogs, shall rise up with fleas.”
My dog has an air mattress. Mine.
“Better slip with foot than tongue.”
My feet look like Swiss cheese from shooting myself in them.
“Well done is better than well said.”
I have no filters. I lost them in a tragic accident when I was little.
“What you seem to be, be really.”
Sometimes I'm a real asshole.
“Pardoning the Bad, is injuring the Good.”
Line em up and shoot em
“Hide not your Talents, they for Use were made. What’s a Sun-Dial in the shade!”
It's never sunny in Philadelphia
“It is better to take many Injuries than to give one.”
Yeah, I'm goin right to hell...
Here are some more. Guess which one of us said the following:
Crackers and dip are set up on a quantum level to never be in the house at the same time. Even if you bought them at the same time.
I don't even like sour cream, but if you mix in some French onion dip, I'll eat it with a spoon.
The great thing about being an (alleged) adult is you can have as many Yoo Hoo juice boxes as you want at a time.
If I see one more Joe Namath Medicare commercial, I will not be responsible for my actions.
I want to touch Linda Fiorentino in her bad place.
My favorite:
“They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.”
I truly wish I didn't have to repeat it so often....
Perhaps I should leave something other than my sayings for posterity.....
Well, that was a waste....
The season was ending, the last hamfest was upon us. A hamfest has nothing to do with edible quantities - it's a flea market for radios and electronics. We go because.... because... well, I don't know, but we go to local ones. Perhaps I like to see electronic parts in little bins. Perhaps I feel nostalgic for Radio Shack. Perhaps because the neighbors are terrified to find out I still exist. So after a hard-earned 3 hours' sleep, off we went.
They moved the location. I didn't expect this to be a problem, unless they moved it off-planet or worse, out of state, but I got handy dandy directions from their website. I'm not a webmaster, but you'd think a large event would merit findable directions. But like I said, I'm not a webmaster (HEY JOHNNY: hamfest is coming - make sure to hide the directions under nonprofit status or something). I just merrily click away until I beat them at their own game.
We got pretty close to the place. I think. Ever get to one of those signs that make you feel like an idiot? The one that says "Route 37" and has a slightly turned arrow? There are 4 possible turns, none of which seem to be indicated by the sign, one of which is a 180 degree turn. So you pick the first one and go merrily down the lane, only realizing it's the wrong street when the guy with the tractor is blocking the road. There's red spots on the tractor from when he mowed down the henhouse. I don't need no map to tell me this is NOT the right way. Also, the lack of Route 37 signs was a dead giveaway. So we went back to try yet another possibility to the Great Turning Enigma. Did you know Albert Einstein came up with the Theory of Relativity after coming to one of these intersections? Fortunately someone else was driving.
After much hilarity, we finally figured out that the cleverly-placed sign meant to tell us to Keep Moving Forward, we were just merging with Route 37. Oh. The Town Council is still laughing about that sign. They put up a camera to document the hilarity. At the town Christmas party, they view the top 10 and give awards for Worst Turn, Worst Panic, and Best Argument in the Car (alone or with other occupant).
Civilization was upon us. We figured this out by the lack of tractors and the presence of businesses and actual houses. It was an exciting time, let me tell you. Right up until the houses and businesses started to disappear and the fields started to get bigger. We shook our heads and pulled into a convenient Adult World convenience store to regroup and be all modern with our electronic devices. Wife has a 50-50 relationship with her phone, in that she can sometimes get what she wants out of it. Unless I'm within 50" of the phone. She does well with getting directions out of it. Unless I'm in the car too. My phone is of precious little help, as it's locked down for nuclear war: even Google can't tell it's a phone (sometimes I can't either). The event was at a community college. No problem - even one of OUR phones will bring up a community college. Whoops, strike that. It will bring up a community college, but not if there is more than one campus. The phone desperately wanted to give up directions to the one closest to our house, 40 miles in the opposite direction. It's a good thing we were out in the hinterlands, as it doesn't look good, arguing with your phone in public. My somewhat stilted brain remembered something from the ancient past (5 years ago); "Hey, don't we have one of those GPS thingies?" Ah yes, my arch enemy. The case had all sorts of scratches and dents from being lobbed around the car. The box that wanted to send us into the river, rather than an address. The box that only accepted every third keypress, that wouldn't even work right with a stylus. THAT box. Garmin will rot in hell for that box. It was the singular reason I had to go on blood pressure medicine that year. The doctors have no idea how I recovered so quickly, but it coincided with finally smashing the GPS to death one day, after it suggested we fly instead.
So the new GPS came out. I was praying to the GPS gods that this one was more friendly and less 'special.' And sure enough, it pointed to the college near the house. I didn't want to be the one to tell it that we weren't AT the house, even though any GPS that hadn't spent the weekend with Keith Richards should know this. Eventually I pursuaded it that it was NOT at home and POOF - it 'discovered' there was another branch of the college, 2.3 miles away! Ah, the GPS gods were smiling on me. This one did not need to go airborne, like the last two or three. I made the mistake of bringing the target up, at which point it asked me if I wanted to add it to our route, add it to next year's route, or select a route involving a river. Rather than blast a hole through the non-existent sunroof, I gave it to Wife. She's the GPS Whisperer, you know. My decision was fortuitous, because within 1.5 seconds, she had erased the location and the device thought it was home again. My eyeballs were spinning like a slot machine, then looking at each other, like a bad set of breast implants. Not to be deterred, Wife said the college was 40 miles away. 3 hours' sleep. I told her I knew of 4 diners on the way home, not requiring a GPS. I put the blasted device in the window and kept trying to close the window, but alas, the window would not break the device. Garmin has a very special business model: sell black boxes with pretty displays that don't do anything. Then get people to buy the new black boxes that don't do anything. And make sure you keep them updated, but you need a Windows computer to do this (fsckers). It also turns out that, in a clever design update, you cannot damage the box by repeatedly running over it. The car just glides over it. Just wait till I get home and break out the e$plosives.
So I figured I'd catch up on some sleep, 3 hours being insufficient, even for me. Oops, too much coffee, in an attempt to counteract 3 hours' sleep. Can't nap. Meanwhile, Wife figured she'd catch up on her shoping. DSW wasn't open, nor were her other 47 favorite shoe stores. She was so upset, she went food shopping. Or rather, tried to go food shopping. One store had a line for parking. Another hurt her back walking to the door of the place. The third was even more affected by Supply Chain Inflationary Shortages, and while you could park, you couldn't get into the place. I'm glad I stayed home and stared into space for a few hours - the guitar stores didn't open until way later.
When everybody was seated in their spots, I suddenly realized I was hungry. I didn't think of it before, but my stomach was kind enough to let me know, via playing the theme from the Godfather. Wife's was playing counterpoint. The only problem here was she was a bit tired. How did I know? Even with her stomach playing a song, she kept falling over to the floor. We had to have the floor cushioned because of this. We used very stiff, springy material, so she'd bounce back up to her seat, never knowing anything was wrong. You should see her drive when this happens! I suggested maybe a nap was in order (I'm very clever this way), then we could have breakfast/lunch/dinner. Wife put me on a diet, only I didn't know it (she's very clever this way). She took a short nap, resting for the rest of the day. I didn't make dinner, hence didn't eat. But the joke was on her... remember those boxes of donuts? The crumbs were very good, the plain sucked (as usual), but the chocolate-drenched were my favorites.
On my deathbed, the only regret I will have is waking up on this day.
Drug abuse is killing more children lately. It's fentanyl, which is deadly.
The Mexican cartels are sending it north and the kids, as kids do, are taking it. And sometimes dying. Schools are urged to carry Narcan (reverses the effects of opioids) and some are urging students to carry it in their backpacks. Is this the 2022 equivalent of carrying condoms? Hey Bob - you're turning blue. Can you hear me? Let me stick this up your nose - it could save your life. Things were better at Woodstock, where people were warned not to try the brown acid. It might give you a bad trip, but it wouldn't kill you.
This is an easy one. Don't use Google, emojis, or Apples. I'm already there.
This is the same device that takes a scan of your iris when you put it on.
Why? In the case of Meta, for targeted ads.
US Officials are Discussing How to Regulate Cryptocurrencies and Stablecoins
Told you so. They were salivating to get their hands on it. Now it's not an if - it's a how to regulate.
Ooh, if that ain't creepy, what IS? If you thought you had grief problems before, you just wait til you hear THIS! And no, insurance will not cover it.
Fresh from being banned from Twitter for antisemitic rants, Kanye bought Parler, a free speech, conservative platform that wasn't doing so well. Now he can rant about the Jews til something smashes into Earth, destroying it completely. Unfortunately, not many will get to read his rants, before or after the planet dies. You have to wonder what else he'll say.... don't forget - not everything he says is untrue or offensive or plain stupid.
- WASPs worship Satan
- Black people may be Jews so most of em aren't worth shit anyway
- hot dogs are health food
- See - I was right about Trump
- I dumped Kim because I was tired of the spotlight (and her butt was the size of a city block, proportionally)
- the voices are mad at me for taking medicine to make them go away
UC Berkeley came out in support of Kanye, closing the campus for a week. In their press release, it said, "We're with Kanye, especially if what he says is about the Jews and Zionism. Or just the Jews... we can't tell the difference anyway." So far, the UCB has spent 2 days in the classroom this year, and that was to protest having to be in class for 2 days.
Kanye was diagnosed bipolar, which can explain some of this. Or he could just be an asshole, which would also explain this. Kanye is not one of the fun bipolars. Patty Duke Astin would jump on a plane and shop til she dropped in another city. Mrs. lefty would go shopping at 2am.
- if you use the word "hawt," I don't want to know you
The country of Kenya wishes you to know that they are not, in any way, Kanye. A press release is planned for the dyslexic.
UC Berkeley, not quite knowing what to do with this, went on strike (their default), "out of an abundance of caution".
WARNING: Although it is very difficult, especially before coffee, pay attention to your creamer. If you don't, you might get your spouse's pumpkin spice. Or coconut creme. Is this the kind of morning you want?
- Bill Gates wants us to eat food made from cyanide.
- the government wants us to eat food they can tax
- Kanye wants us to eat Soylent Blue, which is made from Jews
Europe - you're doing it wrong.
Another study showed a rise in American births.
We all like original ideas, but this guy might've gone a little too far. Just a bit. Just a hair over the line. The hill upon which he has chosen to die is full of termites and hollow underneath. Although in NYC, this is but a blip on the electoral radar. He should have been filmed being nice to people on the street. That would cause a ruckus.
Alaska Canceled Snow Crab Season for the First Time Ever Because All the Crabs Are Gone
ThermionicEmissions put its crack staff, so-named because they're on crack, to the task of finding out what happened to the crafty crustaceans, the hardshell habitants...
- Aliens. It's always aliens.
- Left to join the dolphins. So Long and Thanks for all the Shrimp?
- finally figured out what life had in store and refused to show up
- got lost because they wouldn't stop to ask for directions
- got UC Berkeley to go on strike with them, to have them reclassified as Not Food
- decided it was just too cold up there and moved to Florida. UC Berkeley realized there are a lot of Jews in Florida and has banned crabs from the campus.
So your area suffered the worst flooding in recent history (Florida).
Now you have a new wave of flesh-eating infections.
God has a strange sense of humor.
I think the crabs should reconsider their decision to move from Alaska to Florida.
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