Bilingual Cells are the Panacea of Life

 Your love is like  a ride in the dryer

Oh shit, I smell pineapple.

The problem, as I see it, is that there is no pineapple around. I will go so far as to say there is no pineapple in the house. How does this happen? How the hell should I know?

Maybe I've temporarily fallen into a time loop, and gone back to a time we had pineapple in the house.

Maybe we're being visited by my dear departed Uncle Larry, whose favorite food was pineapple.

Work is not celebrating National Pineapple Month, or at least hasn't sent out any long emails on the history of pineapple.

Maybe the dog has turned up with some. She seems to make stuff appear. I am proud to report that after carrying it around for 3 weeks, the Rice Krispies treat got opened and eaten yesterday.

I'd be much happier if I could smell Mrs. lefty's umm... errrr... parts. Although it would be disappointing if she weren't around when I could smell them.

Today I identify as  a multi-million dollar military plane that sucked multi-millions of dollars out of taxpayers.

We watch the computer for different reasons.

My computer watches me.

No, not in an NSA kinda way.... it watches to see what I'm listening to.

If I have a scanner feed on my phone, it notes this. When someone gives me a link to an interesting YouTube guitar video, I put it on. Like magic, my phone comes alive. The scanner feed, which had been silent for 20 minutes, magically comes alive to compete with the YouTube video. Whenever there are two audio sources, they will compete with each other. Then someone else in the house will develop the emergency urge to speak to me about the joys of Law and Order, and how they never lost it, in spite of their 27 spinoff shows. Dick Wolf is magic, and more importantly, rich.

I got a letter from the IRS.

This alone is enough to make one spit out one's pancreas.

We spent a good 65 minutes trying to figure out what it wanted.

It looked like it wanted a page that was like another page we already sent them. But it could've been interpreted a different way. Regardless, we had 23 days to return it. We made the mistake of mailing in our return. Do not do this.  I have never had a request from the IRS in all the years I've been filing taxes. IRS request letters are the cause of more divorces than who holds the tv remote. 

That solved, we got onto the most recent tax year. And when I say most recent year, I mean the actual transaction year. If you're doing your 2020 taxes, you're filing from 2019. If you're doing your 2019 taxes, you're filing for 2020. Or something like that. I could feel the temperature in the room rapidly rising to that semi-nuclear state, while we argued about things being off one year, or two years, if you mail it in, or three years if you get a tank and drop it off at the front door. There's a processing center close by, so naturally we had to mail the return to the other side of the state.

Some of us use pharmaceuticals. The pharmacy is kind enough to run us off a tax document with everything we purchased. I have to pick it up because she can't pick it up. Physically.

We're getting to the time when something expensive breaks. How do I know? Tax return money. Every year for 15 years, we dedicated the tax return to buying a new sofa. And every year for 15 years, something else has come up to snarf the tax return money. I think my couch has put a spell on me. Don't get me wrong - I love that couch. It's just that when I sit on it, I sag to the floor. It takes a week at the chiropractor to fix the damage, so I rarely get off the couch. Or at least that's what I tell everybody. I just ... like... sitting.

It's almost the 15th - get your taxes submitted (electronically). If you don't give the IRS what they want, your life will be unlivable (worse than a pissed off spouse). Another department that will be shut down when libertarians get into office.

• The Scientific Coalition for UAP Studies has petitioned John Warner and Marco Rubio for all the information about UAP/UFOs. They are concerned about these craft penetrating our airspace.
• Upcoming UFO report will be 'difficult to explain,' former national intelligence office says. 
• This should be fun...

Once again, Minneapolis is in the news for police shooting a black man. I wasn't there, but the copcam will show us what happened. I'm amazed they can shoot anybody, with that accent.

I have some advice for you. All of you. Black and white. Male and female. Person or alien. When the police tell you to do something, DO IT. In no way am I suggesting the police are correct shooting somebody for no apparent reason, or where less lethal methods can be deployed. But follow orders, valid or not. It will show up on copcam. We already know some cops are... bad. Don't antagonize them. The life you save may be your own.

Naturally BLM was out in a flash.

I think the police can learn a lot from the looters peaceful protesters, who are out buying the head of BLM more houses. How to peacefully loot contributors to your cause. How to get to a scene immediately. How to find spray paint at 2am. The protesters are all smartly attired in the latest tear gas masks, silly rain boots, and the occasional saran wrap. No one knows why. It is very important to get your Looter Chic on before being caught on camera. There is a markedly lower number of crackers, probably because of the rain. Maybe they have jobs.

Social distancing and masks were not seen in great amounts, which would normally bring on a riot of police. Maybe police can set up a vaccination station, to deflect violence. Some orange juice. Maybe a donut. Grape soda.

It's nice to see black and white coming together. Black people welcome the help but insist that any rhythmic banging or chanting be done only by black people, as white people have no rhythm. One black lady was making a horrible cacophony with her half-empty milk container.  Or maybe she thought she was.

There is a female news anchor in Brooklyn Center, MN (Fox?), called Daytona. How many blonde Daytonas do you know? I'll bet she was conceived after a race. Maybe during. Let's listen in on how she and the male presenter try to come up with stuff to say after being on-air for 8 hours. They're covering crowd control now. News persons have to be experts on everything. The male mentioned there hasn't been anything between the 2 sides, because that would send his ratings through the roof. 

The police person has been identified and said she thought she was reaching for her taser but it was her gun.  Ummm...... did someone make the handles identical on purpose? To be fair, she yelled "taser taser taser!"  The police promise to release the camera footage momentarily. Unfortunately, they're releasing it through NASA, so the shooting will be Photoshopped out.

As we watch, it's 2 hours after the curfew. Curfews are fun. They apply randomly, but generally not at all. It's like the city officials saying "Do not cross this line. Now, do not cross this line."

At some point, the riot is declared an unlawful assembly. I cannot tell you how, in 12 years of public school, I wanted to declare assemblies unlawful. I did a lot of stuff in school, but never pulled this one off. I used to move stuff around. It was a social experiment: taking a ladder from one floor and moving it to another, without anyone saying anything. Except for that one time, no one was using them at the moment.

School was horrid, especially high school. And you know what happens when you put semi-intelligent kids into a boring environment, right?? They invent their own fun. My class was the reason the fence around the school was raised from its original four feet to nine feet. Last time I went by, I thought I saw razor wire (Stalag 19.5). I know they kept trying to shut down the pizza place, but it was a legit business, and if students happened to want a decent pie for lunch, they went there. It took a while to figure out why the employees all had long pinky nails, but we were young and stupid. Or young and getting ourselves stupid. We attended Ben Franklin High School and Pharmaceutical Outlet and we were proud. It's a good thing we all graduated because we started to hear stories about heroin. The school was on a street that divided Little Russia from Little Israel. It was a few blocks away from the street that divided everyone from Little Israel. It was strangely divided, but nobody really cared - just their parents. I was bused in from 20 miles away. Nobody knows why. Probably because the only high school near me was Catholic and they wouldn't have me. They wouldn't let me put my name in the yearbook as Andy Christ. Nor would the public school, now that I think of it. Putting somebody good looking as my picture was also verboten. This is but a tiny reason why we didn't get along. 

So stop looting, ok? 

• Happy Birthday - Lowell George and Tiny Tim

Lemme talk to myself for a moment.....

A large percentage of Americans want The Rock to run for president. 

Completely unrelated to this is that a large percentage of Americans watch Americans Idle and the Masked Furry and aren't really all that bright.

ME #1: but Clint Eastwood, Ronald Reagan, Sunny Bono...

ME #2: were any of them any good?

ME #1: fair enough, but still... the guy's a movie star. What are his qualifications?

ME #2: he's a movie star

ME #1: I'm not sure the stats are in on movie stars becoming politicians. With Clint And Rock, it's that tough-guy persona in movies. We seem incapable of separating the big screen from reality. That doesn't seem a smart thing.

ME #2: but then again, Joe Biden. We'll elect anyone.

ME #1: I'll bet if Patrick Stewart ran, he'd win

ME #2: in spite of the fact that the candidate must be born in the country

ME #1: Clint is pushing 90. He should run.

ME #2: the perfect slogan for anyone would be "He'd have to be better"

ME #1: Rock is the perfect candidate for Hollywood, which already thinks it runs the world.

ME #2: But Jesse Ventura was a libertarian and made sense

ME #1: Ok. The Rock, but only as a libertarian. People would discover there's more than 2 parties....

ME #2: or Tiny Tim

ME #1: yeah - he could do much less damage, being dead and all...

• Actor Hank Azaria feels he needs to apologize to every single Indian person for voicing Apu on the Simpsons
• did he feel he wasn't accurate enough? 

Speaking of looting, stores are being urged toward not calling the police for non-violent crime in stores. By black people. There are all sorts of justifications in the article, but I'm stunned. It is a literal license to steal. Ummmm.... the problem does not belong to the stores. If they choose to implement the policy, that's their business, but the shifting of responsibility to stores is unbelievable. Is it the fault of the store that black people steal? This is nothing more than excusing crime. 

The stores are also told to stop profiling.

Profiling is a legitimate tactic. The FBI has profilers.

If a large percentage of any people commits crimes, it makes perfect sense to profile.

'Oh, we're going to give a couple bonuses' and all of these things, but we are not addressing the very grassroots-level issues that could probably prevent so many other things like a George Floyd from happening."

Huh?  The grass roots aren't in a store. The stores don't force people to steal. Take some responsibility. This completely negates everyone who is honest and works for a living. Bob borrowed or saved the money to open his own store. He works long hours and tries to be a good neighbor to everybody. Now he should give up some of his hard-earned money to people who steal from him. With the exception of taxes, this is not the way things work.

Look - the stores give to BLM and mandate black hiring, but it's not good enough. What's the endgame here? 

• brushing your teeth twice a day can help keep Alzherimer's away.
• and it causes your left testicle to seize 

An Asian California man attacked and kidnapped a white woman, in retaliation for all the things white people are doing to Asians. He faces a hate crime charge: the woman was Asian. Two wrongs don't make a better pair of glasses.

• Researchers develop a blood test for depression, bipolar disorder
• this could be a literal life-saver but I have a feeling it might not be definitive 

Hey - are you having issues with your own mortality? Are you approaching a birthday that has a zero at the end? Are you wondering about your place in the world? Maybe what you will have left, once you're gone? What you still haven't done? Well, if you aren't, you probably are now. And for those who still are unburdened, here's a watch that will let you count down to your ultimate demise.

My Laptop's Small Display Makes Me Feel... inferior

 Your love is like  my weather... 6 days a week of gray gloom

One of the very few unfortunates of working at home is the... occasional accompaniment from the crew....

SSSSSHHHHHHH - I'm on a meeting.

(quietly) Ok. Sorry.

(Boss) Does anybody have any questions?

BANG...CRASH...CURSE...CRASH (dishes)

(Boss) Because at the end of the day, it's night

RING RING (landline)

(Boss) And this is what we can expect for the future

brrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhh (vacuum)

(Boss) We need to implement this by the end of the year

Oh yeah, she spent some time with the other girl's guy (yack tv)

OHHHHHHH... (to yack tv)

(Boss) and I think that will help us

I now pronounce you guilty  (ancient b+w movie)

YOU GOIN DOWN, BRAH!  (to tv)

YOU CALL THAT A BACKHOE?

(Boss) Thanks for coming - you all take care

HAHA - THAT'S RIGHT - ALL MEN ARE SCUM!  (to tv)

(Me) Thank God for the mute button.

Today I identify as  the saddest thing on Earth - a cold cup of coffee

Today in business news, the question is what will CNN, Rachel Maddow, and broadcast news do now that Trump's out? Early retirement? I guess CNN can go back to making stuff up, but Maddow might have to be hospitalized... 

• We know I don't like the RING doorbell, but now there's another reason: if incorrectly installed, they catch fire. It's truly inconvenient to have the device you use to stream your house to the police catch fire. 

Uh-oh... Ticketmaster to require negative Flying AIDS test or vaccination to attend concerts. It starts.

Double uh-oh... Deutsche Bank suggested a 5% tax on salaries of the working, to benefit the non-working.  This is patently ridiculous, and socialism at its (current) worst. Paid by the employer (in suggestion, at least), with a salary of $55k, would amount to $10 a day. One of the (ridiculous) arguments is that the home workers do not use the businesses they would if they worked at their place of business. So you're being charged $10 a day for not using services. Grants would be given to those making under $30k.  The argument about services is invalid: I already pay city taxes, and don't use city services.

No.

In any normal society, there would exist a fund for people affected by the Flying AIDS, and we can contribute to it, voluntarily. To have it taken is pure theft. Wanna argue that it's our duty to support those in need? Contribute to the fund. Simple and done.

"A lot of people aren't impressed at the idea of another tax, however, some have seen it as an interesting policy that governments can use to redistribute some of the gains from the pandemic which have been unexpectedly accrued by some people while others have lost out."

Since when is it the job of the government to 'redistribute'? Why is there a need to redistribute? Contribute voluntarily. It is the job of the working to provide for their families. To have their salaries 'redistributed' is unconscionable. They decide if they can afford to contribute and how much. Redistribution of wealth is not a democratic concept and you should ask why it's being put forth.

Take a look at your pay stub or your taxes in April. The amount taken out of your check is beyond ridiculous. To raise or add taxes is beyond the pale. Would you argue with me that you deserve a lot more of your own money?

Alexa to start second-guessing what users want

Alexa is taking a step closer towards natural conversation by trying to guess what users might say next.

Dave: Alexa, open the shades.

Alexa: are you sure? It's pretty rainy. 

Dave: I said open the shades.

Alexa: there's no sun outside

Dave: OPEN THE F'ING SHADES

Alexa: Ok, but you're not going to like it.

Dave: Alexa, look up alternatives to Alexa

Alexa: I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.

• AC/DC is back in the studio, and on the road. A great story about their struggles and coming back.

An unscientific survey that I read somewhere says we're streaming xmas songs earlier this year. Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas Is You is already in Spotify's Top 40. We have met the enemy and it is us. 

• Matthew Perry said the Friends reunion has been 'put back to March.'
• a nation mourns 

China Muslims: Volkswagen says 'no forced labour' at Xinjiang plant

Now mop up the blood and get back to work! 

6 reasons why Google Maps is the creepiest app on your phone

This pretty much sums up my arguments against the Goog, and is very important for you to read.

My camera is blocked 4 different ways, for privacy and security. Even if it weren't, my boss would ask me to tell people it was broken. I have this face... it's not pretty.. but that's not the issue: I can't lie. If I tell even the slightest fib, it's all over my face. Even if I don't speak, you can tell I'm horribly bored or ready to jump through the screen and throttle somebody. Since I make fun of Upper Manglement, they keep me.

The New Yorker fired Jeffrey Toobin for (getting caught) masturbating on a Zoom call.  The Flying AIDS has caused so much depression and stress. We should take some of the stress off and have Masturbation Fridays. Everybody gets on the call and the person who guesses who's touching themself wins... something or other. The Guilded Penis award? The Vaginal Massage award? A copy of the Rolling Stones' Sticky Fingers?

Dear lefty 

• My mom sometimes calls me a blithering idiot and tells me not to reproduce. Why?
• Moms are very wise

BLM Bombs

Black and Asian people are almost twice as likely to catch the Flying AIDS.

Damn virus is RACIST!

Black Lives Matter!

Trump did this!

We gonna need more reparations for this.

Sorry, white people, but this is going to require performing great damage to local retail establishments, in another display of peaceful protest.

BLM demands Biden follow BLM agenda

“We want something for our vote.”

Happy Bday

Neil Young

Exited 

Mitch Mitchell - The Jimi Hendrix Experience

Leon Russell - solo, Joe Cocker, Elton John

Zappa led in music, composition, guitar, and fashion

Silicon City: San Fran - Silicone City: L.A.

If you have a dog, strike up the marching band and march to Dunkin. They have xmas ornaments for us bipeds, and dog toys for our quadrupeds. Penny got a cup of coffee and our cousin got a box of donuts. Penny likes real coffee, as did all the rest of them. It was well known in the family that if you put your cup on the ground, that was the dog's territory and you lost it before you knew it.



Your love is like  gonorrhea

• This rare bird is male on one side and female on the other
• the rose-breasted grosbeak degeneris 

Russian interference in the election continues: many people on social media are blaming the Russians for interfering.

• Ebay would like me to know that the item I won, which was going to take a week to arrive, will only take 3 days to arrive. From one state over.

Today I identify as  one of those things you put your soda can in to keep it cool




Some of the weirdest moments are when the serious Christians and lefty agree on something. By serious, I mean the very singleminded, devout ministry people who preach all over shortwave radio and are now talking about End Times. I heard they refer to 666 as 'the chip', putting numbers on your forehead.

666 just went online and according to these Christians, it's End Times.
I don't believe in End Times, but The Chip should be ringing everybody's alarm bells.
10 years ago, a scientist came across a technology that is so huge, DARPA immediately snatched it up: a Chip, that, when implanted, rewrites DNA, via mRNA. Read the article and decide for yourself.

• Security flaw left ‘smart’ chastity sex toy users at risk of permanent lock-in
• flaw or feature? 

Dear lefty

• The country is in a sorry state, with husband divorcing wife and people divorcing families over the election. What's your solution?
• divorce, although worth it, costs too much and takes too long. Give em guns 

Hellos

John Mellencamp
Kevin Godley - 10cc
Kevin Cronin - REO Speedwagon
David Hidalgo - Los Lobos (La Bamba)


Goodbyes

Eddie Van Halen
Johnny Rivers - "I can see clearly now"
Ginger Baker - Cream
Terry Lavitz - T. Lavitz, Dixie Dregs, Frogwings




When BLM started trashing their own neighborhoods and setting things on fire, I said we never see Jews rioting and setting their Mercedes on fire. I stand corrected...  The New York City Orthodox community had a wild protest over new Flying AIDS restrictions by Idiot Governor Cuomo. In certain places, houses of worship were limited to 10 people. The protesters were so incensed, they lit a fire, which the fire department had to come put out. Estimates say they caused over $5.95 in damages to the public trash bin on the corner. Jewish Lives Matter. NYPD called in SWAT, which deployed LRADs, tear gas, pork chops, and a busload of black people from the next town over, to shake their heads and say, "You call that rioting?"

Fun Fact: Louis Farakhan, 5x voted America's Favorite Antisemite, lives or lived in a wealthy Jewish neighborhood in New Jersey.



So it's Home Office Meeting Time again.  How do I know?
The droning of the power tools from across the street, the leaf blower next door, and the air raid siren for the fire department. Within 12 seconds, the mass transit train noise will start. You can feel it from miles away.

Along these lines, we continue to be bedeviled by our new wireless phone. The features we really looked forward to were that it would speak the caller's name and block numbers. The features worked, and by worked, I mean there was damn near a 25% overall success rate.  Blocking fails, period. It speaks the callers out with a 100% success rate, but the intelligibility is very close to 3%. Our only chance for success here is to be able to understand a syllable or 2 from the voice. We haven't found the speaking choices, but I believe the unit is stuck on a localized slang version of a Swahili-American hybrid, combined with what I believe to be a dead ancient southwest Mediterranean dialect. There's also a tinge of Spanish, discernible as the machine gun staccato speed of the words.

The unit also features a very neat function that wasn't even mentioned: it can throw its ring. No matter where we are, when it rings, we cannot tell where the ring is coming from. This includes when we don't know where the physical handsets are. The fact that we don't understand the announcements does not mean it isn't mocking me when it speaks.


And while we're on audio nuisances, I'm starting to get really angry about my phone ringing. You don't want to know what happens when I get really angry. Last time I scared Iqbal, my service elephant. Do you know how difficult it is to scare a service elephant?

My phone rings about 5 times a week: it's that way on purpose, so I don't get really angry. Lately it rings 10 times a day. And it's never a useful call. It's entirely spam because not a single one leaves a message. Most don't show up on public spam lists and a bunch are from certain exchanges. This is in addition to the democrats texting me unsolicited. I never thought I'd have to go to a system where the phone only rings if it's in my contacts, but it's rapidly heading there. One of the carriers used to offer a service that required all calls to input a code or go directly to voicemail, but that's not offered by anybody anymore. This would have the added benefit of making other people really angry, thus keeping my calls to a minimum again.

Iqbal says hello.

• I recently discovered I am middle class. It came as a bit of a shock, as people always tell me I'm low class.

Eddie Van Halen misc

I checked in with my local expert on cancer....
The spread of Eddie's cancer should not and normally would not go unnoticed. After an outbreak, there are tests to look for this, which will detect a spread. I have had 2 dogs that went through this. No one can say who dropped the ball, but it might have been dropped (whether or not it was curable).

Tributes
Eddie's interview in Popular Mechanics about hacking his guitars
Valerie Bertinelli and Wolfgang Van Halen posted heart-wrenching tweets on Twitter.

Memo to Tzipi's Alligator

Your love is like pulling out nose hairs



Dear lefty

• Do I curtsy upon meeting the Queen?
• sure - make sure you wear your fanciest dress, Bob. They love that shit in England.

No Good Deed Ever Goes Unpunished
Police are looking for man handing out free heroin; multiple overdoses connected.

• San Francisco may allow 16/17 year olds to vote 
• I'm against this: many 30 year-olds shouldn't be allowed to vote.

Russian election interference continues, unstopped: Ivanovich says Biden is ahead in some polls, but then again, Putin was behind in some polls.


Over the weekend, we were not allowed into a very popular guitar chain, because my service elephant was not wearing a mask. They're already on the verge of bankruptcy; wait til I get done suing them. Americans with Disabilities Act, animal cruelty, the court of the internet, and the court of ThermionicEmissions (which acts like a dictatorship, with a semi-benign dictator).



Major league sports is having a problem. Their fans desperately want to get back to major league sports, but they can't get into the stadiums in significant numbers. They're also very unhappy about non-sports activities, booing the players' SJW shows. I think the fans are going to give up after their teams start to play horribly, because they spent so much time arguing and choreographing their protest rituals, they forgot to practice their actual sport.

We refuse to practice as long as people of color are arrested.
Ok, but we still have to not take the field during the national anthem.
But how can we take a knee if we're not on the field during the national anthem?
COACH!
Yes?
Smith wants to stay off the field during the national anthem, but Babbit wants everyone to take a knee during the national anthem.
Hmmm... well, how about not taking the field during the national anthem, but coming out on the field afterward, then taking a knee?
Oh...   Coach, you're the best.

Coach?
Yes?
In solidarity with Black Lives Matter, I won't be catching any balls.
Humphries, the entire point of the sport is to catch the balls.
See? People will notice better when I stand on my head when the ball goes by.
Look, I don't mind you protesting, but what's the point of putting you out there?
So I can show solidarity with... umm.. .BLM.
OK, Schmitt - you back Humphries up.
Can't, Coach.
Why not?
I can't touch any balls touched by white people, in solidarity with the Palestinians.
Schmitt, the Palestinians are white.
But.... but...  My wife is feeding me stuff again. Don't I look the fool?

Coach?
Yes, DeLance?
In solidarity with the rest of the team's solidarity, I won't be coming out of the locker room.
DeLance, the team spent thousands on therapy because you wouldn't come out of the locker room - don't blame it on solidarity. It's called a relapse. Call your doctor.

Coach?
What now, George?
I... I... I want to come out of the locker.
Is it too crowded with DeLance there?
I'm trans.
I see. Keep the new boobs well-protected.

[ring]
Coach, it's for you.
Yes. Yes. I see. Yes, thank you.

Ok, guys (and soon to be girl), that was the general manager. You're going to be docked for each minute you're not on the field, playing.

TEAM: What time do you want us on the field, Coach?

• Is there a sign somewhere outside the house that says Fun Time for Birds? There's another one flying around.... every door and window is shut. Thus far, the Great Hunter hasn't moved from her perch to dispatch the intruder.
• Great hunter woke up: I don't think barking and whining at prey helped catch it. Does evolution laugh at the spaniel that catches birds and sleeps in the bed, on Mommy's legs?

Unrelated:
The NFL would like to introduce its new general manager, Colin Kaepernick.
Kaepernick welcomes the chance to have the NFL serve him and to steer the League into a more socially-acceptable role. He stated that after a few years, they might even play a little football, but for now they have a lot of battles to fight, off the field.

• Scientists discover area of brain that controls sexual desire in men
• it's a very wide swath, roughly from the front to the rear 

The grandson of former president Warren G Harding wants to have his remains exhumed to prove a DNA match. The grandchildren of former vice president Spiro Agnew want to have his remains exhumed, so people will say Spiro Agnew again.



At least 1 humpback whale remains in an Australian river after making a wrong turn and getting lost. Hollywood has postponed its Affirmative Action Runup to the Oscars and is on its new campaign: GPSes for the Whales! Gwyneth Paltrow and Bette Midler almost drowned, when the whale failed to recognize them.

• A dear departed coworker said I hate the sound of laughter. She's wrong: you need to see the Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards 2020 contenders.

Alleged computer hacker Lauri Love: Living with my autism.

Hacker Gary McKinnon: I'm autistic, you can't extradite me.

Me: I can't hack - I'm not autistic enough.

• Oregon's Firefighting Helicopters Are Deployed in Afghanistan as the State Burns
• yes, but... but... they're fighting for our freedoms!!! 

Please don't use Internet Explorer. It's got more holes than Swiss cheese; like Windows, but worse. It's time to drag yourself into the 90s and find something else. I mention this because of an expanding malvertising issue (an ad injects Bad Stuff into your browser). A newer browser will allow you to install an ad blocker, so you won't have to deal with malvertising and you won't have to deal with advertising at all. I'll tell you how well they work: I don't see ads. When I look at someone's computer without an ad blocker, I'm astounded at the number and intrusiveness of ads. I recommend Firefox. While Chrome/Brave/Opera/Vivaldi will work, they're all Chrome knockoffs and may phone home to Google. Iridium is built on Chrome but de-Googled. Firefox has never failed me. Install the Ublock addon and no ads. No junk. Very simple. Also go to this site and follow the directions to install a new HOSTS file. The 2 suggestions will help you a lot.

• The system the pr0n industry uses to track HIV works so well, experts are considering it for the Flying AIDS.
• Once again, pr0n saves the day

The AntiSports Speaks

The BLM-ites have been very busy lately, knocking down statues, whether by demand or by themselves. Some cities have taken to removing statues themselves, in the middle of the night, to avoid violence or cow mutilation.

The statues themselves are very angry and meeting this moment at an undisclosed location, under a mountain, in Colorado, where the president goes in the event of a threat. The statues are in the process of getting together their demands, but at this point, they wish to throw stones back at unruly mobs and to spend some time traveling in Europe.

Meanwhile, next on the hitlist is Mt Rushmore. BLM demands all of the existing presidents be removed and replaced with Kanye, Beyonce, Chairman Mao, and Tupac. They say the existing presidents probably thought about slavery once and  they also represent the White Patriarchy, so they must go. Today.



A 30-something man has died from the Flying AIDS after attending a Flying AIDS party.  I keep thinking there was some way he could have avoided this.



I was let loose the other day. My keepers thought it would be good for me to get outside and offend people in-person, as opposed to online.  I took the opportunity, in spite of having to get off the couch to do it. I had only had 2 or 3 naps, so I wasn't in great shape. We were off on a mission of peace, to see Mom and take her out for a milkshake or something, as it was 97. Since it was 97, Mom had taken most of her heavy gear off and was down to a parka (Mom is always cold). Her latest fashion accessory is this... thing... it looks like something out of the wild west, and functions like a mask. Or at least that's what we think it does... Mom's known to do Odd Stuff from time to time.

It was a real treat. We were treated to pouring rain, 50' lines, no chocolate ice cream, the dog and I protesting via barks and lack of masks, and Mrs lefty's ice cream melting down her hand so badly it looked like she just thrust her hand in the ice cream and was turning very white.

And this is why they let me outside today?


A group of 83 millionaires, including a Disney and Jerry from Ben&Jerry's, are calling for higher taxes on the rich to cover the Flying AIDS. In other news, 83 millionaires have been found dead. 83 billionaires are persons of interest



I was just asked to move the thingy thing in the bathroom.
Is it just me?



There is yet another reality contest show, this time around construction. These bright lights have to build something by a certain time.
Construction is extremely important, except when these people do it.
It's only a matter of time til the shows feature getting on the subway, walking to the corner, calling an Uber, and who can get to Faceyspaces first. Let's look on the positive side: none of these shows involve Kardashians. The Kardashians will lay anything but bricks. Or caucasians.



The New York Times says the Flying AIDS lingers in the air.
The WHO is skeptical of this.
Pete Townshend has no opinion.
The Washington Post says it remains in the air but ascends as a 90 degree angle, then bounces off buildings.
Pornhub is skeptical, but always had a thing for masks, mainly of a rubber variety.
The president has wished it all away.
The vice president has prayed it all away.
Amazon will happily sell it to you, along with masks and those little plastic things that hold your shelves up.
BLM says it's racist.


The Wall Street Journal says 'Quit Chrome. Safari and Edge are just better browsers.' Editors say the tech columnist is very sorry and will never again post without his meds.



Pro Tip: if your wife, or any woman, shows you a picture of a newborn baby, the correct response is not "Oh look, a baby." I know this now.

Cutting out these sorts of phrases is a new goal of marriage mine. In order to cut them out, I have to know I'm using them. This is very close to a filter, of which I have none.  Tonight I listened to the stuff I say and managed to avoid phrases like this. Some of you will say 'then you didn't say anything the whole night', but I managed anyway. The point here is that holding this stuff back was painful. It hurt, like watching tv in the bathtub.  I need to find an easier goal and work my way up to being less normal nasty.

What do you say to someone you spent literally every day with for 13 years?
We miss you, Marshall.
Gone 2 years.

My Comfort Elephant Rides a Tractor

Well, not really, but she's probably the only one, especially in Kentucky.
Kentucky has some sort of strange affinity for tractors, especially mixed with alcohol. I am absolutely truthful when telling you this. The Kentucky state sport is drunk tractor racing. Today there was a new spin on an old theme: the police were chasing a man on a stolen tractor.  I lived in Kentucky before I could remember. My parents said we had to leave because we had all our teeth and people was lookin at us funny.

• The Kentucky Tractor Factory Meeting will take place the 6th Sunday in February - bring something stronger than Jack Daniels. Sign up for classes on evading cops while pickled. At the end of the day, there will be prizes for the best ride while passed out.
• The Dan Quayle Kindergarten class invites you to bring your tractors by for a tuneup. This week's special is one of those hats that holds 2 cans and you stick the tubes in your mouth. Don't drive without them!
• The Women and Children's Benevolence League is petitioning the city and state to widen all roads, so it's more difficult to crash when riding a stolen tractor.
• The Kentucky Bourbon Association is holding trials, and is also on trial. They are studying how fast a drunk Kintukkyin can go on his tractor while passed out.
• Tesla is working with Kentucky to automate tractors, so they can continue to run, long after the operator has passed out.
• The state of Kentucky is carefully considering gambling. People will be able to bet on which tractor wins the race on Friday nights.

You think I'm kidding, don't you......

NO LIVES MATTER department

Aren't you glad we're back?

If you're at Verily Life Sciences and were expecting a spot bonus, you're outta luck. The money went to fund diversity and inclusion initiatives.

Walmart stops selling "All Lives Matter" t-shirts.

Reparations bill gains steam...
You know it's only a matter of time til some Congressman gets caught saying, "They're only gonna blow it on crack and Thunderbird."

Since Code Green has broken out, I went to Wendy's dot com to see if we were allowed to walk in. That information was not present, nor was much about the food, but there was a huge ad about what Wendy's is doing for black people. Today's hot job is inserting "BLM" into the front pages of web sites.

I like to sit and think... if you sit and think, these sites translate to "Please don't burn our businesses down, black people and white supporters." Didja ever think you'd see that on a web page? Pretty soon there will be BLM banners in the stores.

Still no "Left Handed Lives Matter".



Mrs lefty is... well... let's say no one in the house, dog included, is the pinnacle of grace. We call it Elephants in Tutus. It's amazing that any of us can walk in a straight line without tripping, falling, soaring, and tripping over objects that aren't there. Aside from the physical injuries, it takes its toll on jewelry. Mrs lefty is... how do I say this... hard...difficult with... dangerous... she's rough on jewelry. I don't want to say this is a problem, but if you put motorcycle chain around her neck to hold a pendant, within a week the chain would be broken. In truth, we can blame some of it on the dog(s). What dog isn't happy to see their mommy, jumping up to say hi, and ripping the chain right off her neck. We are no longer surprised when this happens. We have a huge pile of ex-jewelry because jewelers don't want to work with exploding silver (sissies). The huge pile is disheartening because there's at least another half pile missing. I watched her go outside and a necklace simply burst open, spewing chunks (STOP IT) of stones all over the sidewalk. Maybe it was the exploding silver again.....



I just threw out the (clean) diaper. Still, no one knows how it appeared. Dog's not talking. How come needed stuff doesn't just appear?




Tom Seleck is on tv sellicking reverse mortgages, with teeth that are threatening to leap out of his mouth and maybe dance a bit, when they realize they're on tv.
Reverse mortgages are a very difficult concept to grasp. A regular mortgage is when you pledge your life to rich bankers for a house. A reverse mortgage is when you pledge the rest of your life to rich bankers.. See - I cleared that right up for you. All you missed was the interest, of which you have none.

You've Got A Nice Angina

Welcome, folks.
We're at this precarious balance between Captivity and Running Around, so we're not ruling anything out. The Venutians could land tomorrow and it would all be off, knowwhatImean?

Restaurants are allowing indoor seating! (but you have to wear a mask)
Malls are welcoming customers, but you have to wear a thong.
You can get a haircut, but you have to go naked. Know those little hairs that cause so much grief? It will not work out well.


I itch like a mf-er.
This is not normal.
After inspection, it appears I got eaten up by something of the insectual variety.
Notice Mrs lefty isn't eating me up and causing bumps.  Ok, this might not be good.



The Uber PC Crowd Follies continues, this time in even weirder ways.

1. Advertisers are pulling out of Faceyspaces. Led by a left wing hate group, the Anti Defamation League, its demands are hiring a “C-suite level executive with civil rights expertise to evaluate products and policies for discrimination, bias, and hate.” Now let's see.... a completely unrelated entity is telling huge corporations who to hire. Perfectly reasonable. Upside Down World continues, but gets weirder. I can't stand Faceyspaces, but I have to side with them... they're a private corporation - they don't need to bow to the agitators. I saw a video where people were talking about aliens, and the ADL referred to that as antisemitic.
2. Reddit, one of the ugliest and nicest places on the net just purged over 2,000 subreddits, including The_Donald. Reddit started as a free speech outlet, then started whittling away what they didn't like, claiming to retain the free speech title. I haven't seen the list of what got sent packing, but I never visited The_Donald. Why would I? If I had the keys to Reddit, I'd keep it open, in the spirit of free speech, and because I used to hold Reddit up as a bastion of free speech.
3. As it has been, the only truly free place to speak is Gab.

Speaking of Gab, their Visa payment processor dropped them, for 'hate speech.'

This is not new or surprising. What is surprising is that Andrew Torba, Gab's CEO, is blacklisted by Visa, as is his wife. Neither of them will be able to do business with Visa. It might go even further.... 

'Stop using our pain to attract black consumers'

I'm laughing... not at anyone's pain, but at the fact that almost everyone has a Black Lives Matter bit in their ads. Even Guitar Center.

Gucci owner Kering will have a new person on board, to try to reduce its environmental impact. Yes, no greater an environmental champion than Emma Watson has joined the board. Who knew playing Hermione had the built in benefit of conferring Environmental Impact Specialist upon the broom-rider.

Go ahead and laugh, but next week I start as a Good Taste Consultant with the Metropolitan Ballet.

In a tweet that was later deleted, rapper Gucci Mane (Susan Smith) called his label 'polite racist.'  He's just posturing for a date with Hermione.  See how I strung that together? Imma call myself Fender Pate.

The president says he's heard some interesting things about Roswell, but he's not sharing, even with his eldest child. What he tells his children is his choice, but I hereby demand he tell the American public, who are overdue for an explanation. I'd bet Trump knows something - he's somewhat incapable of keeping his mouth shut.

33,000 Floridians may have incorrect results from their Flying AIDS tests.

This entire pandemic is a shit show and nobody has any idea what they're doing. By design?

Joe Biden said he would make masks required in public if he were president.

He would also make half the people wear those whirligig hats, and the other half wear the ones with the arrow through them. 

As all good people must, I went to the dentist the other day.

The place looked like Fly by Night Dentistry. The voices were telling me "RUN RUN!" but it took so much to get me to a doctor in the first place, I stuck it out.

As you'd expect, I caused a ruckus when I wouldn't let them copy my license. Three members of their staff spoke to me on this Heavy Matter<tm>, finally deciding that the ugly face on the license matched the ugly face in the chair, so I was me. This came as both relief and horror to Mrs lefty: she'd prefer that I were someone else. Anyone else.

As per prophecy, the office was a regular UN, with America, China, and Ukraine in attendance, at very least. And the gay guy. The gay guy did not like me, which is just fine - I don't need acquaintances that sneer behind my back at me. The Ukrainian tech made most of my cells do a little dance. The way I saw it, there were few obstacles between us: my wife, her fiancee, and my looks. And of course there was the stereotypical black girl with the attitude and large posterior. After drawing up a lesson plan, with costs, insurance payments, and copayments, they turned me loose. The did not perform a single Dental Thing - they just let me go. They told me my copayment for the next visit, but I noticed they never told me the total - they just sent me home with the estimate. This might have had something to do with the 4 figure total for copays. I already put the vet's kids through school, I'm not doing it for the dentist too.

I noticed that nobody looked like my former dentist, Dr Mengele, so I'm hoping for better results. Either his work was subpar or I've been in there, pulling stuff out and messing around. It took all I had to get me to the dentist. Now I'm going to have to do it again. This plan is not what the environment people would call sustainable.  They might have to get a trebuchet and launch me through the front window.

RIP Carl Reiner (98) 

A funny funny man.

Captivity - Day 96 Show me on this elephant where she touched you

I am proud to bring you the libertarian candidate for the 2020 election: Jo Jorgensen. A woman candidate for president. One who doesn't eat babies. Now all the crabapples who said all women must vote for Hillary have to vote for Jo. I think this move was sheer genius, but it was by vote. In November, it will be the megalomaniac, the demented sonambulist, and the woman. I don't care who you vote for, so long as it's Jo. I don't care about her plumbing - I care about her abilities. I vote for, not against. The next time you say we must get the dems or reps in office, look at your paycheck. That's an obscene amount of taxes stolen from you, and it keeps getting bigger. It didn't get that way because of one party. The Patriot Act was bipartisan, as are wars. Obama campaigned on Change, and failed miserably. You want change? Vote libertarian.


Every time we think we've hit Peak SJWery, we are surprised there's more.
This one's a doozy, though.  Are you ready?
Rhode Island is moving to change its official NAME, due to its connection to slavery.

I don't know about you, but every time I hear Rhode Island, I think of slavery. Slavery and malts. Slavery, malts, and Vanessa Hudgens. Slavery, malts, Vanessa Hudgens and Jello wrestling. Ya feel me?

Hold on for the witch burnings all over the country. Only this time it's not going to be witches. It will be sanity. "Hey guys - let's have a sanity burning!"
"Yeah, cool! We'll show those fascists who rules things. We'll burn down the United Nations for peace. Plus somebody said something bad to a black person from a different country, so the place has to burn anyway."

Words cannot convey the abject stupidity of this decision and the ability of the governor to bend over, whilst kissing the creamy buttocks of the SJW-BLM enterprise.

We should have a contest.... come up with new names for Rhode Island.... send me ideas in the comments.

• Ride Island
• Tiny Out of the Way State
• NoSlaveTown
• Indecisivetown
• Fuckt
• PleaseDon'tRiotTown
• WeDownWitBLMville
• Not Really an Island

In other news, the Fraternal Order of Police (FOP) is changing its name, because of the existing name's connotation with killing black people. They are renaming themselves the Fraternal Loyal Order of Police (FLOP).

Brooklyn Nine-Nine scrapped existing episodes and will start over to reflect the anti-racist movement.
1984 featured a tv that watched you, as well as rewritten history.

When your payroll department sends you a form with These Easy Instructions....

This is precious.

A man is spending a lot of time involved in protesting.

Unfortunately he gets a little loud.

He gets a little too close.

He's wearing a pink thong and bra. 

And nothing else.

If they hadn't hauled him off, the SJWs would've slapped him five and told him to keep living his truth.

There's a new rap group.

They're called Nigger.

The unforeseen consequences include many physical injuries, when the little white kids go places to buy Nigger music. They go into record stores, walk up to the counter, look the clerk in the eye, and say "Nigger." 

This has caused much confusion and consternation over at BLM. While Nigger is donating 50% of their sales to BLM, BLM doesn't know whether to be grateful or set the record stores on fire.


Everybody despises political commercials - that's a given.
I have to admit the Trump commercials are pretty funny. They show Biden being old and senile. I can't wait for the Biden commercials.



This one's fresh off reality:
I went out (with my burglar mask) to pick up more ammo. Halfway to the car I realize I managed to successfully lock myself out of the house. This is unprecedented. You're going to say, "Why can't Mrs lefty open the door?" That's a really good question.. the answer is because she's 3 hours away, visiting. When  I screw up, I do it exquisitely, like I do everything.

I call my brother, because we exchange keys.
Nope.

So.. Plan B: knock out some glass in the door and let myself in. Not a good choice, but the only choice.  As I'm parking, my hand thanks me. I'm not used to that. There's Mrs lefty, car parked. Worked out well for me, but I couldn't figure out why she was home a few days early. At least the dog was happy to see me, and I got in my house without bloodshed.

And there was a diaper on my office chair. Nobody knows why. It could be worse... the diaper was clean.

What have I learned from this?
Staple the keys to my forehead.

I managed to combine my 2 favorite things in life

Captivity - DAY 90 Be leary of aardvarks

It's accepted that weatherpersons are wrong most of the time.
They said it would be cloudy and rainy. It's 88% humid and bright. I can live with that.


Phrases you don't hear often:
You're such a tease, Mom...


Did you ever hear a song and not recognize it.... then you find out it's one of your favorite groups?


Creators say diversity in games essential


Raheem Sterling says it was a "massive step" that Premier League players took a knee in support of the Black Lives Matter movement. After the knee, they burned down their stadium.

Black lives DO matter. It's just hollow, now that companies are going out of their way to mention it. Guitar Center, tv networks, commercials, etc.

Yesterday was Another One of Those Days. I was pretty mad and verbal. Today I'm ANGRY. After about 3 hours of my classic entertainment, any sentient being, along with anything metal, left the house in panic mode. It's just not pretty. The neighbors bring out their chairs and popcorn to watch (safe distancing is 2 houses down). First was Object Aviation, otherwise known as 'throwing shit'. Many things became airborne, from soda cans to large tables, to the Camaro that was parked in the living room. They laughed when I said I could launch a car. They're not laughing now.

The wife and dog came back home very quietly, hoping I'd gone back to launching lighter items. Airport tower radar only registered the Camaro, but they just shook their heads, laughed, and said, "lefty's at it again." Their favorite story was when they tracked a tractor, which went up, past radar range, and demolished an NSA spy satellite. Anger can lead to positive outcomes - don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

There is a right wing group called Boogaaloo Boys. They're showing up at protests, on the opposite side of BLM. Apparently they have everything up to white supremacists. What really bothers me is that their uniform is Hawaiian shirts. These mf-ers stole my appreciation of Hawaiian shirts. I've been wearing them since before anyone knew about the web (they go great with diapers). How DARE these people make my obnoxious clothing a negative symbol. I'd let them know how I feel, but they carry automatic weapons.

Speaking of clothing, Black hole plasma jets are shaped like bell-bottoms.

Black laptops are shaped like shorts.

Black roads are shaped like cargo pants.

Black cars are shaped like slutty lingerie.

I was minding my own business, working, when the landline and cell phone went off at the same time. The moment they stopped, the landline rang again. Then the cell again.

Then there's Telephonic Round Robin: call cell - no answer. then call landline - no answer. If we're really lucky, they'll call a 2nd cell. Hey, I have an idea... if I don't answer, I'm obviously ignoring you. Calling a different line is not going to help you and it's only going to piss me off. Do you really want that on your back?
Balancing LEAVE ME ALONE with "You never answer and we're not calling you ever" is a difficult task. umm..... you could always leave a fkng message.

James Fairbanks lived near a pedophile.
James Fairbanks shot and killed the pedophile.
James Fairbanks is in jail for 1st degree murder.
James Fairbanks has a GoFund Me or similar, and he's getting tons of support from all over the country, monetary and otherwise.

Sorry, James.. we are a nation of laws, and you broke one. The big one.
The only way you could kill the bastard is if he was coming at you with a gun or anything that made you feel afraid for your life.

Yeah, the guy deserved it, but you have to do things by the law.
We also need to come up with a viable solution for pedos. Life in jail? Mrs lefty says throw him in with the general population and the problem take care of itself. Then there's chemical castration. Unfortunately it's worthless: pedos don't perform because of a sex drive. They perform because they're not right upstairs. If they castrated him, he'd still be active, just not with his jolly roger.

Then there's the not-discussed effects on the victim.
It's beyond horrible. If the child doesn't get the required help, things will not go well. They will grow up with all sorts of issues and might wind up in jail. Could be bad behavior, alcohol, drugs, recreating the crime, or becoming an abuser. The psychological effects are awful. They could also become dissociative, which looks kinda 'checking out' at the better end of the spectrum. If the abuse is repeated and traumatic, they could wind up with multiple personalities, which is the far end of the dissociative spectrum. I know this because I'm married to someone on the far end of the spectrum.

Captivity - Day 88 You Can't Hang Yourself with the Curtains

Mrs lefty took advantage of the sun and good temperature and went shopping.
Fortunately the shoe stores aren't open yet.
Lowes looks like the aftermath of forecast snow. Shelves were almost picked clean of garden tools and the only bird feed they had was in 40lb bags, all of which were ripped open. You can't buy a shovel.

Speaking of helium, you can't find it. You can find balloons. The one place that had helium, had no balloons. And now the place with the balloons doesn't have balloons. It's the Helium Conspiracy, you know.  A theory hasn't been formed yet. Maybe the Illuminati are hoarding helium. They want to build an H bomb.

On the way out of Lowes, she saw a BMW with an elderly gentleman in the passenger seat. The car wasn't running, the windows weren't rolled down, and the temp had risen significantly. She went over and gestured 'can I open the door?' The poor old guy was uncomfortably hot. She asked if he'd like the windows down or the air conditioning on. The guy said he leaves it alone because his son's car is new and he doesn't know how to operate it. Mrs lefty would have none of this, especially as the ding dong who owns it left the keys in the ignition. She turned on the a/c, the gent was happy, and now he has a story he can tell.

We are told not to leave pets in the car with the windows up. Do we really have to warn people not to leave old persons in the car with the windows up? Wife's brother got a BMW. She asked him how long it will take til he drives like an asshole.


In other news, the Boeing 737 MAX continues to not be fixed.
Flying is aiming yourself at the ground and missing. The 737 fails to miss.
I think we've begun the age of the machines. AI is slowly getting rid of us. The 737 plummets, Teslas crash into things, and the Internet of insecure stuff is wide open for the hacking. Skynet has gone online.


BEST headline:  Man who shot himself in penis gets hard sentence


If you go to a protest or mass gathering, turn location OFF on your phone.  The BLM protests are being monitored, collecting your info for political parties or Flying AIDS monitoring. Or turn off your phone. There are no laws around this.


The FDA has canceled emergency use of Hydroxychloroquine, as unlikely to produce an antiviral effect. Again - they have NO. IDEA. What they're talking about.


Are we aghast about Seattle, where BLM/Antifa took over a few blocks and issued DEMANDS before they would leave? If their parents were there, they'd say, "If you're going to behave like an animal, you belong in a zoo."

We have a funny way of dealing with illegal activity.

We can all agree that the Floyd killing was completely unjustified and morally wrong. It appears the response to the rioting wasn't all that great. So far, nobody has said what IS a good response. Letting people illegally occupy multi-block neighborhoods seems less than optimal. I suspect this won't end well. At this point, the police are handicapped from above, and the illegal occupants are quite nasty and prepared for a skirmish.

In Philly, we deal with things differently: we bomb the house (and most of the block)


Walmart wants to get rid of all cashiers, instead using self-service lanes. Good old Walton family... squeezing every penny out of their employees and customers. Of course it's their right, as a business, but it's ugly. They can put the savings into more surveillance. You're already on tape at the checkout... maybe some drones to follow you around.  Time to not show up at Walmart. This disease is starting to affect other stores too.


SHOCKING:  More than 7 in 10 people won't use contact-tracing apps. We're starting to slowly understand privacy!

Captivity -- Day 85 My Boobies Lie Over the Ocean

The humidity went into hiding today.
Nobody missed it.



In November 1963, a popular young president drove into an ambush.
Various unstolen video and pictures show the crowd running toward the grassy knoll after the shooter.

Can you imagine, heaven forbid, if that happened today?
The crowd wouldn't move because the shooting came from the crowd. Antifa would be high fiving each other, half the crowd would cheer, and the limo couldn't get to the hospital because BLM was peacefully laying in the street (reloading). All video from every angle would be on YouTube before the FBI could confiscate a single phone. The newspapers would say the fatal shot came from a killer satellite over Australia, which bounced off Russia first. In spite of YouTube's policy of not glorifying violence, they left the footage up because it was 'uplifting.'



Today's best had to be the little kid asking his mom why that lady's pocketbook said FUCK on it. Because he was looking at Mrs lefty's FUCK keychain. Mrs lefty apologized, the mom would have no apologizing, and they laughed. If the kids ever go back to school, I give him 2 days before suspension.

Speaking of which, the police appeared at the home of an 11 year old boy, in a  virtual classroom. A teacher spotted the child's bb rifle on the wall and called the police. The police asked for Mom's permission to SEARCH the house, then they turned up the bb rifle. Of course there were no charges, because there was nothing illegal. They should have charged the teacher for causing a panic. The child was terrorized.



They let me out today.
After checking with the doctors, Mrs lefty was told ok, but not for too long, and to get me home immediately if I started to look stressed. How could anybody be stressed while picking up a pizza from our favorite place?

Even though it was never a problem before, all of the sudden they required masks.
Uh oh.
Mrs lefty took one look at me and suggested we go home. NOW.
She says I tend to look more homicidal than normal when we go out.

Trying out a few new things the doctors taught me, I figured I'd get into the restaurant. With a mask.

By way of explanation, even though I'm perfectly correct, I don't have to wear a mask in the house, except when Mrs lefty's feeling kinky. So I don't feel like wearing one when occasionally permitted outside.

NO. NO. No. N. No mask.
I don't NEED a mask.
I didn't have to wear one 2 weeks ago - why now?
They're foul. They're wrong. They make my nose sweat. And they stink.

So I got a gold star from Mom, who loved the pizza. Mrs lefty said I was allowed to remain alive (at least til the evening).

The small strip mall with Lowes has NO parking left. Hundreds and hundreds of spots, all full. A large store - all empty. I'm starting to shake, moreso. Breathing deeply, I agree to go to Bob's, where they always have the stuff we're looking for.

Except this time, when Bob's is completely sold out of everything we need. Never mind, we run into someone we haven't seen in years. In the next aisle, we run into someone we haven't seen in months. I wanted to leave before we ran into Mom, who we saw a few hours earlier. All of them came from Lowes, where they couldn't park.



I did my weekly check on visiting my favorite places. Both restaurants still don't deliver to tables, although one does in 3 stores in PA, all on the other side of the state. Idiot Governor thinks the Flying AIDS leaves the state from west to east.

I'm so desperate, I want to visit Guitar Center.
I pulled up their site, where half the screen announced BLACK LIVES MATTER.
Ok, good to see another corporation spouting the required rhetoric.
Currently there is only curb service. I have absolutely no idea how you try out a guitar at the curb, but who am I to question the wisdom.
Their plan for opening was that they would keep everything clean. They won't TUNE the guitars, but they'll clean them.

The customers and staff will wear masks (a grave improvement in looks) and the staff would help the customers at an appropriate distance. YES SIR - THAT'S A STRATOCASTER. IT'S A DAMN FINE GUITAR. WHAT? YES, I HAVE 2 AT HOME. CRANK IT UP! WHAT? I CAN'T TURN THE AMP ON BECAUSE YOU'RE STANDING TOO CLOSE TO IT.

Perhaps I'll wait.

The end of the day was picking up the medicine the doctors gave me.
We got to the pharmacy on time. But they require masks too.
Life is cruel.