Black Friday! Starting in February!

Black Friday is a recent pestilence. But no, that wasn't enough... there was Cyber Monday, which also wasn't enough. Now there's Black Friday Week and pre-Black Friday. It's a retailer's dream. I've been getting all sorts of emails about Black Friday sales. Since I don't pay attention to the calendar or sales, it caught me by surprise (and by disgust). One retailer is claiming 15% off on guitars, but the 15% is coming from the manufacturer, nor the retailer. Another is offering all sorts of sales, none of which is an actual deal. But this doesn't stop either from sending me emails. My outgoing spam filters won't even let me go to these pages, as they're heavily tracked by mailchimp and rs06.com.

PRS, a famous, high quality guitar maker, is offering 15% off their guitars. They're very well-made, even their offshore offerings, so I'm watching. I need to touch the guitar before I buy it, to see how it feels. Naturally there is not a store within miles and miles that has one. PRS is being really nice to lefties lately and I thought I'd take advantage. Oops, another hospital trip for the dog, costing a reliable used car. Then a $120 followup visit. At least all the employees OOH and AH whenever they see her, It's almost worth it.

The Bathroom 

The other day I went into the bathroom, to find a large plant growing in the sink. Most of what I find over the years has failed to impress me, including the Camaro in the dining room, the chainsaw in the living room, and even the plant in the bathroom sink. It is certainly well-watered, although I wonder if the soap has any effect.

The next day the plant was gone, but another one had appeared, next to the toilet. I thought plants needed to be outside, or at least near the sun. But this plant seemed ok next to the toilet. I gave up asking questions years ago, but had something of an issue with the leaves growing onto the toilet seat. There's something unsettling about plant leaves under your buttocks, agreed?

I'm holding off for something more bathroom-appropriate, like a car battery or construction equipment.

Forced Vacation 

We're at that time of year when I have to burn off vacation days or I lose them. I don't learn quickly (or well). Ok, I learned a little bit, having taken off most of November and December last year. This year I've arranged 3 day work weeks. I'm going to feel really bad in January when I have to go back to 5 day weeks. I don't feel too bad, as a coworker is taking December off.

The Railing 

My wife has gone to war with the railing. Like the scanner calls about pedestrian vs car, the railing is 2-0 so far. How does one break a railing? I have no idea. I'm beginning to suspect she felt clumsy on the flat surface and gave the railing a workout. Iron is no match for Wife. As a result, she's been in bed a lot, not in a good way. As another result, I'm on my own a lot. This requires doing battle with the washer, dryer, and oven. I've built computers and taken apart laptops, but nothing has prepared me for the washer. It has more lights than my obnoxious neighbor's Christmas light display, and more information on its screen than all of the letters on my laptop. I have to put in my shoe size and birthdate before it will start moving. I have to do this all myself, which makes it worse. Meh... who cares if my jeans are pink... no one will mistake me for a woman.

I am not happy leaving the house, being an Amateur Agoraphobic. Going shopping is somewhat less annoying than mowing the lawn, but still not on my Top 100 list of fun things to do. If I'm supposed to pick up the 8oz sour cream, the store will only have 16oz. Since I only like sour cream in dip, this presents a problem. Coffee creamer will be available in 26 varieties, except the one I use all day. This is because the store has an employee whose sole job it is to follow me around to see what I buy, then stop ordering it. One time they stopped carrying Coke.

Know what's not scary? Driving on an interstate when an eye decides to start burning for no apparent reason. Know what's scary? Driving on an interstate when both eyes decide to start burning for no apparent reason. It also provokes quite a reaction in passengers.

 PETA (People Eating Tasty Animals) has been out of the news for quite a while, so they needed to do something so over the top, so insipidly stupid, so idiotic, that people would remember they exist. Either that or they wanted everyone to smile for the holidays:

Animal rights pub name row 'undermines real issues'

They're up in arms because of the pub named The Sly Old Fox, saying the name is derogatory. I'd be up for complaining if PETA and 'smart' were used in the same sentence.

Does Duct Tape work in Space?

We just passed New Years day. For the somewhat impaired, this means we passed New Years eve.

We were invited to the normal place for NYE. Have you ever had to go somewhere and while getting ready, realized you'd be much happier not going? Maybe boiling your hands in some water or shaving your own ass? That didn't happen to us. Instead, we just sat there and stared, realizing that to go to the party, we'd actually have to get off the couch and move. This is easier said than done. We knew we'd have a good time, but staying seated seemed like a lovely idea.

Mrs. lefty, not a girly girl, said she'd be ready shortly. Apparently Mrs. lefty had transitioned into a girly girl,  because shortly turned out to be 45 minutes. I kept wanting to point out that we were already 2 hours late, but I like my reproductive bits.

Finally on the road, we began our game of pissing off every other driver on the highway, by only doing 20mph over the speed limit. There was honking, there were fingers raised in salute, there was laughing. We noticed that there was little traffic, both ways. Like everything else, people were probably celebrating online, maybe over at Amazon. Or we hadn't driven close to any bars.

At the party, the poor host probably got tired of people asking, "What's THAT?" after I walked away. The food was smashing: we bought Death by Chocolate cake, and most of the rest of people bought cannolis. What are the odds that most of the guests would bring the same thing, no less the same thing being cannolis. When does 'cannoli' pop into your head? Was there a sale on cannolis at every store? I'm not complaining - I like cannolis. It's one of the few cheeses I eat, probably due to sugar content. Everything I eat is due to sugar content, especially drinks. I drink like a girl when I drink. Get me a frozen strawberry margarita and I'm happy as a Biden after a nappy.

While we contemplated cannolis and the imminent fall of the ball, I asked Wife about the traditional Midnight Kiss. She said yes. I asked where. She said lips. I asked which. She said northern. So it was going to be that kind of new year. And, true to form, the lefty Show was off on its New Year's day. My first 3 transactions failed: I couldn't get a receipt for gas, couldn't get an advertised milkshake at a convenience store, then couldn't replace it with the candy bar I wanted. Seems like I was starting things off right.

Happy New Year, dear folks.

Resolutions are a sticky subject, as no one in the history of the world has ever kept one, especially the ones with 'weight' in the title. I don't even bother making them, because I'm just setting myself up for failure and I do enough of that already. OK, the truth is that I won't remember making them on January 2. I might not even remember them next December. So why bother? But since this is my blog, it is incumbent on me to come up with a few, off the top of my balding pate...

• grow my hair back, everywhere except the ears
• continue to not see the dentist, with no ill effects, in spite of their pleading text messages and calls
• keep everybody well, including the 4 legged one
• spur world peace
• get work to stop with the constant meetings
• get companies to stop with the constant billing me
• grow a few inches (vertically, at first)
• stop the use of 'super' (that was super cool)
• replace Jeff Beck as World Guitar God

I don't find a single one of them ridiculous or unattainable, provided I can remember I made them.

2024 will, by virtue of being a new year, have to be better than 2023. Yes, I'll have to spend a few months getting used to writing 2024. 2023 was just shit. Losing Jeff Beck is still a shock to me. He's been my idol since the 80s... we were deprived of further joy by bacterial meningitis. His musical legend will never die.

Oh yeah, my mom died also (cue wise remarks about my priorities). I am deprived of further joy by Alzheimer's.

I spent the great majority of my life trying to be independent, starting as a child. The other day I watched a child go to his mother for comfort.  I'd love to have that chance again. Bring independent, I'd never take it, but knowing it was available would be comforting.

As forced vacations go, this was the least horrific of them. In fact, I have to go back to work, like the rest of you. Yes, I could take more vacation days, but I'm told it doesn't look good taking January off. So I sat there, watching each hour go by, thinking of what I failed to accomplish on said vacation, and thinking of the joys awaiting me upon returning to work.

• BATMAN - Men in Tights

Reindeer can sleep while they chew

So can Congress, if you can catch them in office.

 

Dust off your X's - Xmas is coming!

 

Your love is like   prune and prawn cocktail

Ladies and blog readers: we have no time in our lives for people who say 'OMG' out loud. These people need Internet Lessons at a special camp for a few years.

I'm at that point again: forced vacation. This is when I have to take my accrued vacation days or I'll lose them. Since I like to work, I have a few vacation days left (last I checked, 137 days). Ok, I'm kidding - 37 days. Last year and all the years before it, I didn't bother planning so I wound up taking December off, plus every Monday and Friday or so. Definitely every Saturday. Since I only waited til Halloween this year, I managed to not take any full months off, even though my appearances in December are still pretty sparse.

I mention this because I'm not like other people. No, really. Like other special people, I require structure. At home there's no structure, so unless there's something interesting to do (or Wife is screaming at the top of her lungs), I kinda default to my comfy chair [PUT HIM IN THE COMFY CHAIR!]. Very little gets done, and that's the crux of the biscuit. For some people, this is not a good thing. I am one of them. But sit I do. I need to read the news to find out which of our mortgage or credit card companies has been breached this week (by a vulnerability that has been known about for months). 

Plus you never know how it will go if I get bored. It could take me all the way to the deep end and I'll do something unthinkable, like clean. Or I could get up to Mischief. I had to cut down the mischief after Mrs. lefty took up martial arts (although I prefer marital arts). Now I get her input before Mischief, and only commit it outside the house.

So I'll be reporting: Updates from the Chair

I will be 'politely requested' to do some home chores [I WANT THAT NEW FAUCET IN THE BATHROOM BY END OF WEEKEND or you don't eat] or take the car out for a wash [why do you wash a car - it only gets dirty as you drive out of the car wash - like making the bed]. I'd vacuum but out of the 14 vacuums making up our Vacuum Graveyard, only half of one works, and that's waiting for someone to take a second look at it (with a flamethrower, to clean out the dirt). Strangely, the only one that lasted more than a few months was the tiny, cheap, plastic, pull-along thingie. It's red. Vacuums frustrate me, like many things. They tend to clog up, but only in places where I can't find the clog. Or in the brush: between 2 people and a dog, there's enough hair in the brush to make up another 2 people and a dog. But mostly it's clogged so we can hear it but not find it. The little red vacuum (that couldn't) has no complex path for dirt, so when it clogs, as it is now, you can't find a single thing wrong with it. As I wait for Mrs. lefty's expert opinion (I always wait for the 2nd one, because the 1st one is invariably 'buy a new one'), I notice the household dust and dirt has gone past the 2" EMERGENCY mark and my guitar cords not only move, but something's speaking to me and it ain't the normal voices.

Soooooo I won't be vacuuming on forced vacation. I won't be shopping, as I hate people even more during the holidays. The mall around the corner has enough parking spaces for the entire city, but during the holidays, you can't find a single one. Little children are pulling their parents along, apologizing for the parents' behavior, the sales aren't, and you can't swing an unloaded flamethrower around without hitting people. And why would you carry an unloaded flamethrower around anyway? 

Besides - the mall is missing all functional shops except Victoria's Secret and Cinnabon. The pop-up Halloween shop is still there, with all costumes 10% off. One must run the gauntlet of foreign-born men trying to squirt you with stuff you hope is perfume, and most of the 'stores' are 'kiosks'. At 10pm, everybody in the mall stops what they're doing and says, "God, I am sorry for whatever I did to deserve this punishment. I am shopping online starting tonight."

People are so frazzled, the 4 restaurants left in the 'food court' make tasty food, except for Chik Filet, which isn't open on Sundays and any other day with 'day' in it. I don't want to say this mall is past it, but Starbucks closed and ran away screaming. I don't want to seem totally negative about Starbucks - their caramel crunch is really good, when the machines aren't broken. I suspect it doesn't have any actual coffee in it, so be sure to get a shot of espresso with it. But since the mall still has a Cinnabon, get a mochalotta chill. It's the best thing to drink with your cinnabons (or without them, heaven forbid).

So I won't be vacuuming OR going to the mall on forced vacation. I will also not be going caroling, even with all the great carols I know

• Since girls, single girls, going all the way
• [drummer boy] I'm hasidic, baruch atah tah
• I saw daddy kissing Santa Claus
• Mommy got run over by an armored personnel carrier
  
• Oh Tanenbaum, oh Birenbaun, oh Cohen and Slutzky

I tried caroling once. One thing I never considered before caroling was what people would think, opening their doors to me. Suffice it to say that it didn't go well, kinda like Gaza. You just don't want to see me at your door singing Christmas carol parodies... except that one guy, but I don't think he was listening to me singing and I didn't like the way he was looking at me. It's ok... Mrs. lefty got me out of there in time.  I couldn't picture myself mounted on his wall. Or in his living room. I will never understand why gay men like me so much. Sure, I'm gay-friendly, but not that friendly. If only women looked at me with that kind of leer..... Mrs. lefty would kill me.

So I won't be vacuuming or caroling. Or a partridge in a pear tree. I have never seen a partridge, or a pear tree, so I couldn't make it real enough. It looks like my default: sitting. I do it well. And often. And playing the guitar - I do that decently and not often enough. And sex... I do that decently but not often, and usually by myself.

I could frolic in the snow, but it hasn't snowed much and I don't really like snow. My frolicking days were over years ago.  I could give out presents to kids, but they frighten me. Best to give out presents to their mothers.

It turns out that after doing the Science, real and fake xmas trees are the same: neither do a thing until you do something. They both sit there in an uninspired heap until or unless you put them up. They both stay there for months after xmas unless you take them down. That's more responsibility and work than I'm happy taking on at the end of the year.

So if I find anything to do over Forced Vacation that isn't sitting, I'll be sure to report it here.

Meanwhile, here is a carol I'm composing as I type... just in case you're wondering what to get your favorite blogger (or me) this year...

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Vanessa Hudgens

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: a 1958 left handed Stratocaster

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: blogging lessons

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: more true loves

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 5 Sports Illustrated Supermodels

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: an Alexander Howard Dumble amp

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: a non-cancerous cocker

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: a car that won't break or get hit all the time

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: a house that won't demand my salary

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: a wife in no pain

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: world peace

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Linda Fiorentino  (and Vanessa Hudgens, not in a tree, on alternate days)

I'm not supposed to know, but my wife wants to get me a jam session with my favorite guitar players, Jeff Beck and Jimi Hendrix. They're dead, so...  Ohhhh, I get it.

Happy Whatever - or - Continued Forced Vacation #2

 Your love is like  spinal tap soup

What came first - the chicken or the hen?

read very carefully to your children. 

Today I identify as  some dude with frankincense

ThermionicEmissions would like to wish everyone a Happy Whatever.

Keep the Flying Spaghetti Monster in the holidays, and may you be touched by his noodly appendage.

When planning my vacation days (at the last minute), I somehow managed to be working one day this week. This way I can start things and leave them for coworkers who weren't nice to me during the year.  My boss gave me a last minute request, almost like he thought I wasn't nice to him during the year. He is extremely ADD and types what he thinks but not what he means, requiring an explanation for every email. Unfortunately he never told me what he means, so I'm going to get dragged into meetings about something or other, of which I have no knowledge. Just to keep things interesting, the person with whom I must meet was not born in this country and is incredibly difficult to understand. People take sick days rather than meet with him.  

Dog got into the holiday spirit by growling at me when I got into bed. She was found as a stray; she probably ran away from an abuser. That said, it's still nice to get into bed without Cujo growling at me, as if I were going to assault her. Speaking of bed, Wife asked me to set an alarm because she had to get up early for something or other. Not only did I set an alarm, I set a double alarm, to make sure she got up. Precisely 10 minutes before the alarm, I woke her up by falling out of bed. This was a very special alarm because I haven't ever fallen out of bed. 10 minutes later, the other alarm went off. It was anticlimactic. No one else fell out of bed. It's dangerous to fall anywhere in the house, because there are no flat surfaces; they're all taken up with Stuff<tm>. Fortunately, the thing I fell on was not sharp or tall, and the trip to the emergency room was short. I have a very interesting black and blue splotch, but I'm disappointed that I can't show anyone, due to its location. "You should see the other guy."

The sun was out yesterday, but the clouds moved in to put a stop to that within minutes. If the clouds didn't respond immediately, they'd lose air cred with the other clouds.

Recently overheard at Thermionic Mansion 

Look - I found a left handed banjo!

Ummm.. I have been very nice, very supportive, and followed you everywhere. But a banjo? There has to be a line somewhere, and this is mine.

The Depp/Heard circus threatens to occupy another courtroom near you soon. Or maybe not - it's very difficult to tell with these two. Court TV keeps telling Depp they'll give hundreds of thousands of dollars to his favorite charity if he'll appear in court again. Their ratings went through the roof last time and it would be the greatest Christmas present ever. I remember my favorite part of the trial was watching Depp's legion of fans cheering as he was driven by. Heard got booed. It was either that or watching him doodle naked stick figures of her while she was testifying.  I asked for his lawyer as a Christmas present, but Wife's No Dating policy is going to torpedo that wish with immediacy. This tends to happen a lot, for some reason.

Just in case you have too much time on your hands, this keyboard has an actual display under the keys. You can literally watch something burning as you type.  Like cocaine, it's an indicator you have too much money.

So what do we want for the holidays?

• I want a pr0n star or very talented escort, but like I said, that will get torpedoed. 
• I'll have to go with the usual stuff: late 50s left handed Fender Stratocaster and matching Telecaster. Maybe a nice tweed amp to go with them. 
• good health for Mrs. lefty and my readers
• the cessation of war. everywhere. there has never been a better time for peace on Earth
• continuously-functioning laptops, cars, house

I got one of those funny-looking envelopes the other day. It was from Delaware. I don't know about you, but I find letters from entire states disquieting. The idea was that we somehow owed them a dollar for a toll. Apparently Wife had a problem at that toll, so we do indeed own them a dollar. Unfortunately Delaware math is different from math in the rest of the universe, where $1 = $51. There are basketball fees, road fees, feed the babies fees, and a fee called Slush Fund. They piled them on like they were taxing cigarettes. Sure, we're welcome to ask for a court date. We can drive a few hours to get there, only to find out that arguing with an entire state is not productive, fun, or interesting. Screw Delaware.

We fought a ticket locally and won. It cost us exactly the same price as the ticket to prove ourselves innocent.  American Justice! 

Citizen: Your Honor, we received a $250 ticket for breathing too hard.

Judge: That's ridiculous. Case dismissed. Pay $250 court fees.

I have been critical of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, roughly since it opened. Donna Summer and Tupac are past inductees; do you take my point? Another recent inductee is Dolly Parton. I like Dolly Parton... she seems to be a very nice, genuine person. But not even deaf people would characterize her music as rock and roll. Hmmm... deaf people.... maybe this explain things.

There is a bird in the house. Again.

We have no idea where they come from (eggs).

It's winter; the windows and doors are closed, yet there is a bird.

The total agitation of the situation is ramped up by our great hunting dog, whose solution is barking at it repeatedly. I do not think her ancestors used barking as a hunting method, or she wouldn't be here.  I am, naturally, working, making this even funnier. Iqbal, my emotional support elephant, is easily stressed so the barking isn't helping him.

We get several birds per year. Nobody knows why.

There was a stupid old commercial for a window cleaning fluid, where the birds kept crashing into the windows because they were so clean. That happens here too. Perhaps they haven't seen the commercials.

College-educated Americans are now markedly more likely to belong to a church than those without a college education, according to Gallup polling.

 Of course they do.... they're praying they can pay off their loans

Speaking of Iqbal, he always gets homesick at this time of year. There are African and Indian elephants. Iqbal is from Saturn. Speaking of Saturn, Science is extremely excited because one of Saturn's moons was found to have one of the chemical building blocks for life.... I think it was chlorine. Big deal, I say... my friend's pool has a ton of chlorine, and very little life. Back on Saturn's moon, you can view the news as very good or very bad. It could mean that in 4 million years, Saturn will invade Earth (if we don't invade Saturn first). And you know, when they start their invasion, social media will be alight with Saturn supporters, calling everyone else Saturnists, and taking donations so the people from Saturn can make us their slaves. You can point out that they blasted half your family with their ray guns, but the SJWs (Saturn Justice Warriors) will hear nothing of it, blaming it completely on you. Earth will finally be saved when the Saturnians discover Faceyspaces and Americans Idle. We cut a deal with them, offering to beam all of this garbage directly to Saturn, so they won't miss a thing. Iqbal cries at the futility of it all.

 

Enjoying another day of Forced Vacation, I was dragged out of bed at the ridiculous hour of 11:00, to go out to breakfast. Mrs. lefty promised her people they could go out. I'm not sure how I got involved in this, but sometimes you 'go along to get along.'  Looking around in the tiny diner, I started to get the heebie jeebies. Everybody was old. Is this what someone's idea of retirement is? Sure as hell ain't mine.

At dinner with my BFF, he asked if I'd ever considered retirement. Errr.... no: I'm nowhere near that age, and will have to work til I'm 89 to pay off the mortgage. He concurred, but added that he thought about it. He realized that he could then be home all the time, with his wife... then decided he would be working til the meat wagon hauled his corpse out from behind his desk. I figured the only difference between us is that I like my wife, and they'll haul my body off the couch. Depending on the amount of time I've been deceased, they may have to haul the couch too.

President: I want everybody in here, on the double!

Chief: Yes, sir, what can we do for you?

President: You see that tree out front? The one with the lights all over it?

Chief: Yes, sir.

President: I want it gone.

Chief: But sir, that's the White House Christmas tree

President: I don't care what it is - it's blocking my view of that really hot chick outside the bar across the street.

Chief: Sir, the Secret Service investigated this last month. It's a cardboard cutout of Christie Brinkley, from one of the Vacation movies.

President: Are you telling  me she's not hot?

Chief: She's very hot, sir, but she's made out of cardboard.

President: Like Kamala?

Chief: We wish, sir. 

President: Look, I don't want to be bothered by trivialities, I want that tree gone. I didn't rise through the ranks to become vice president for nothing.

Chief: Sir, you're the president.

President: Really?

Chief: Yessir.

President: What's the difference?

Chief: Sir, Jill wanted me to remind you it's nap time.

This is your yearly reminder that for some, the holidays are a horrible time.

If you're feeling this way, talk to someone. Religious, county, city, friend, family, doctor, hospital, state congressperson, bartender, hotline, guy at the guitar store, whoever. Keeping it to yourself only makes it worse. It IS possible to feel better. Talk to someone. Work at a soup kitchen. Keep yourself safe. Wait til the other drunks are off the road before driving. ThermionicEmissions cannot afford to lose any readers.

Go Ahead- Smoke Near the Gasoline-See What Happens -or- Forced Vacation, Day 1

 Yes, like last year, I have a bunch of vacation days that I have to use or lose. Since they won't pay me for them, I figure I'd use them. Since I don't pay attention well, I was off the month of December last year. This year I paid attention, so I'm only off half the month of December. 

Why is it a forced vacation? Because I don't do well without structure (not defined as a wife screaming at me). So while I'm off, my job becomes finding things to do. Anybody with a functional set of eyes could look around the house and find a lifetime of things to do, especially in the living room. Depending on your decorating tastes, the 74 Camaro sitting nose-down may or may not be a keeper. If nothing else, it's really tall, and brings to mind the monolith from 2001 - A Space Odyssey. So the artsy-fartsy among us could consider it an homage to Stanley Kubrick. Or just an absolute original in the Department of the Abstract. 

Incidentally, due to the laws of physics, you too can have a monolith in your home. Anything even mildly out of place, like a welding rig or Camaro, left there for more than 3 days, starts to become invisible. You walk past it and it doesn't register. Eventually you catch it out of the corner of your eye and realize it looks pretty good there and you'd miss it if it 'had to go.' This all started with my friend's beautiful sitting room. One day I noticed a large red air compressor on wheels. The following week it was still there. I told my friend that it was a spectacular decoration and she should definitely keep it there. She didn't know what I meant because the laws of physics had rendered it part of the room. So I had to go out and get my own air compressor, in red. The only problem was my house lacking a sitting room. I was flummoxed and I was beat, because I do not have the skill set to add a sitting room (or turn the bathroom into one). I can wield a hammer by the correct end damn near 84% of the time. Same with screwdrivers. I hit 100% with my soldering iron, for obvious reasons.  I guess I could buy a pre-fab shed-like thing, but couldn't attach it to the house, plus it would lack light. So the red air compressor sits unused in the bedroom. Almost unused, but I won't expand that.

So on my first day of Forced Vacation, I was awakened precisely at almost 11am (12:37 New Jersey time). Wife, who was getting into bed (don't ask), informed me it was snowing. This is a dangerous trio: awakened, gloom, and snow. The stupid weather doesn't even have the decency to have sunshine with our snow. I think somebody roofied Mother Nature. 

Apparently the mailman snuck up on me and delivered my NEW MEMORY! The laptop's new memory, but it would be great to order my own, right? Then the strangest thing happened: I installed the memory, the laptop recognized it, and everything ran ok. I had to wake Wife to have her explain it to me. She told me "Essentially, it failed to fail." It may take a few days for this to sink in. Anyway, now I can open up 12 programs at the same time, without everything stopping due to no memory. The irony here is that I don't have 12 programs I use, and after 3 programs, the tiny 13" display won't show them anyway. So things run faster and it makes downloading my hamster pr0n a breeze. The memory only took 4 days to arrive, from just under 10 miles away.

But even I know that vacation (even forced vacation) should include more than installing RAM and downloading hamster pr0n. Let's see.... there's..... ummm... and then.... but.... I know - breakfast! Sugar Frosted Chocolate Sugar Bits await me. Oh. No they don't. The store didn't have any. Supply Chain Issues, you know. It's pretty sad when a supermarket doesn't have the most popular breakfast cereal in the world. I think they may have to be reclassified from a supermarket to a market if this keeps up. There's nothing super about it. It now costs more for lunchmeat than to fill your car. Perhaps because it's so expensive, I notice a lot of 'help' when making a sandwich lately. The dog has laser-focus upon the lunchmeat. She's helping me, in case it tries to attack me by falling to the floor. She will throw her body between the lunchmeat and me, then eat it so it's disarmed. I'm thankful for dogs, especially this one. She has a t-shirt that says COCKERS FOR COLD CUTS. She's a lot smarter than I thought. So after being awakened at 11, it's time for breakfast at 3.

And after breakfast, there's napping! And after napping, there's napping. I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm woefully behind on my napping. There are some days I get barely 3 naps.. can you imagine?  It has been brought to my attention that people do stuff and go places on vacation. Really? It's a pretty good bet the dog doesn't do rollercoasters, so that's out. The only guitar store I really want to visit is the Southpaw Shop, all the way at the bottom of the country, in Houston. So it's a pretty nasty drive. Plus if I see an entire shop of lefties, I may not want to come back, and they probably won't let me live there. So I'm a bit limited on places to go. Wife doesn't have this problem: there are shoe stores everywhere. Plus she lost weight and now nothing fits her anymore. WARDROBE SHOPPING! Vacationing looks too expensive. I think I'll spend my time becoming a zen-like one with the couch. Oh, wait... that's what I'm NOT supposed to do. I'll report in as I figure it out.

The Biden administration refused to obey the law and withheld a percentage of the JFK records, which were supposed to be 100% released already.  #Impeach

On another day of forced vacation, I awoke (at noon) to some strange light in the sky. It took me a while to figure what it was. The neighbors all pulled their kids inside and rolled down the shades. If I listened closely, I could hear murmuring, chanting, praying, and of course, the neighbor's continuing construction. I thought the construction guys had a clause that said they couldn't work if the sun came out, but I never really saw the contract.  I know they only speak Spanish because they kept telling the dog to shut up in Spanish and I informed them she didn't speak Spanish, so they gave up.

Although I could see light in the sky, I could also see clouds. Lots of them. They were hanging back, getting their strategy ready to begin their assault. Even though we are allowed 1 or 2 days of sun per week, the clouds are not happy about it and are never far away, just in case. PA has what scientists call Shoe Weather. Whenever it's sunny, people get nervous, waiting for the other Shoe to drop. I heard one parent talking to her frantic children, telling them "It's ok, kids.... it will be gray and rainy tomorrow, just like every other day."

Last year England called and wanted its weather back. This year they called to say they're thankful their weather isn't as bad as ours, and if it's all the same to us, they'd rather we keep ours, please. So a spot of tea and Bob's uncle is the bees' nipple.

Google is introducing end to end encryption to Gmail.

Now only Google will have access to your email.

Further in the Great Laptop Debacle 2022, my laptop has been received by the manufacturer and is being looked at by their technicians. Impressive  - it only took a week and a half to arrive there. Probably because I didn't want to lose a mortgage payment to the shipper. I can imagine them looking at it.... picture a line of technicians. Shipping hands the laptop to the first technician, who shakes his head, says tsk tsk, then hands it to the 2nd technician. This goes on the larger part of the first day.  Not that I blame them. Aside from the crappy plastic hinge that broke, I mean. Every Monday morning, I wipe the laptop down, using a hideous green brush on the keys. When I took the laptop out of my somewhat dim office (caused by its somewhat dim owner), the thing looked filthy. "But I have a hideous green brush," I thought to myself, as I handed it over to be shipped.

NOTE: do NOT use anything but a soft cloth and a little soap to clean monitors, laptop or external. Anything with alcohol in it will dry out the plastic. No special green cleaners or anything else. Don't apply too much pressure or you too will have to send it back to the manufacturer.

So now it's only 2-3 weeks before my sainted laptop makes its way from Bumfuct North Dakota to my house. Naturally this depends on whether they can fix it and how much it will cost. But mostly if I can afford return shipping. If I were smart, which I am obviously not, I would have purchased another laptop in the meantime, to act as a backup. So I'm still pounding away on the 13" old laptop, only running 32 bit software. On the bright side,  it hasn't ever failed me, and it runs much better with 8g RAM, as opposed to 2g. 

While I'm meandering from subject to subject,  I wanted to talk about updating your laptop. If you don't have a laptop, pretend you do and play along nicely with everybody else. In the case of my ancient laptop, there were a few obvious upgrades. Of course you have to decide if this is financially viable, but let's continue. Since I only had 2g RAM and the meter was constantly pegged, I needed RAM, desperately (like television  needs to lose its reality shows). It cost me the staggering amount of $23 to go from 2 to 8g. There is no arguing that upgrade. This also goes for home machines. More RAM never hurts, especially with very popular operating systems starting with W.

I can't do anything about the CPU or the 32 bit operating system. A traditional bottleneck in laptops is the hard drive. Many laptops have tiny hard  drives with poor specifications, like a 5400 rpm drive. These are extremely slow. Yes, you can upgrade to a larger, faster (7200 rpm?) drive, but don't. The answer is to upgrade to a solid state drive (SSD). The performance is so much better, it will floor you. Same for your desktop. It will feel like a new machine. None of these suggestions is very expensive. I've seen SSDs for well under $100. Shop carefully.

The greatest and cheapest upgrade comes when you don't hold the pursestrings: I wanna new laptop. This one's slow.

And just out of fscking spite, the keyboard on the old machine seems to be developing a finicky space bar. Sometimes it doesn't work, sometimes I get 2 spaces. Sometimes they really are out to get you.

Why is there a gaming mouse pad? We all know that a regular mouse is $19.95, but you call it a gaming mouse and it's $79.95. But a gaming mouse pad? Does it dispense Monster overcaffeinated drinks? Does it tell Mom to SHUT UP, I'M GAMING IN HERE? Assist in other antisocial activities? When was the last time you used a mouse anyway?

While we're at it, a laptop cooler was suggested for my laptop woes. These are rectangular jobbies with a lot of fans in them. You put the laptop on them and it keeps the laptop cool. I was just about to buy one when I decided to look into the comments. Sure enough, you are supposed to put the laptop on the cooler, but on a surface. This kinda defeats the purpose of the laptop.. you know.... being on your lap. On the other hand, all those fans whizzing probably make an interesting device to have in your lap. Think about it.....

Another Great Reason to Get a Ring 

On November 8, for instance, local police in West Covina, California, received an emergency call purporting to come from a minor child reporting that her parents had been drinking and shooting guns inside the minor’s home. When police arrived at the residence, Nelson allegedly accessed the residence’s Ring doorbell and used it to verbally threaten and taunt the responding officers. The indictment alleges the men helped carry out 11 similar swatting incidents during the same week, occurring in Flat Rock, Michigan; Redding, California; Billings, Montana; Decatur, Georgia; Chesapeake, Virginia; Rosenberg, Texas; Oxnard, California; Darien, Illinois; Huntsville, Alabama; North Port, Florida; and Katy, Texas.

Musk's alleged stalker identified; no evidence of ElonJet tracking, report says

Last Wednesday, Elon Musk seemed absolutely convinced that an alleged “crazy stalker” used a Twitter account tracking his private jet to accurately pinpoint the Twitter CEO’s live location at a gas station outside the Los Angeles International Airport

at a GAS STATION??

Musk polls Twitter users on whether he should be CEO - 57.7% want him to quit.

This single act proves Musk doesn't get Twitter.  Say you asked Twitter who Jesus was. The top 2 answers would be 'serial killer' and 'racist'.  So either he doesn't get Twitter or he's a megalomaniac.

Oh.

Long genital spines on male wasps can save their lives

And you thought it was hard to get a date now? 

(You're a) HO HO HO

Yes, it's Xmas 2022. Things are different this year, as we learned at the mall the other day. Rather than staying open ridiculously late, stores are making up their own hours. By the time we were done at the department store, I was dragging Mrs. lefty into the mall, so maybe I could see something interesting. Typical of things lately, we were surprised to find a mall with most of the lights off. At 6pm on a Sunday, right before Christmas.

This particular department store is a very nice one, with friendly employees and stuff other stores don't carry. This was discovered to be another difference in 2022. Most of the employees one could find were nice, but therein lay the problem. We went by 3 sales desks and there were no cashiers. Did the corporate bean counters want to save money by not scheduling employees? Hint: if you don't put people on registers, no one can ring up sales, and it will be a coal-shaped Christmas for you, beanies.  So we eventually track down a cashier with only a few people in line. No, wait, they were employees. Great - we're up! Err... no, we're not. It looked like the purchasing employee was purchasing 1,437 individual gift cards, then teaching the newbie employee how to ring them up. And we stood there, foolishly thinking our turn at bat would come. It didn't. Nor were we acknowledged. Both of us are fairly easy to spot in line, or from a helicopter. But nothing. Not so much as a hello, be right with you.

Employee #3 went back to his station, leaving the 2 on the Ignore Desk to do their thing, whatever that was. #3 left with a spring in his step, a hee-hee worthy of Michael Jackson, and a mustache. So I was not entirely certain I had the correct pronouns. Since the Ignoring continued, we discovered another cashier, halfway across the store and fled. I'm sure they never noticed us leave. I was thinking of a small stink or smoke bomb, which I always have  with me, but Wife warned me just as I was about to pull the pin on the grenade (dammit). So where do we wind up but at the counter where the Pronoun Person works. I thought it was nice of the store to hire... different... people. I had no trouble with whatever he wanted to do or be (provided it didn't involve reality tv), but I just needed to figure things out. 2 xmas ball earrings, a uniform pullover in the shape of a dress, a high, giggly, underage voice, and a mustache. And a tremendous cashier, most importantly. But.... he kinda looked like someone just told him about gender, and he wanted to try them out, at the same time.  Wife was having a blast comparing earrings. I was just thankful we were getting out of there, because I was tired and he was a great cashier.  As is my norm, I wanted a malt. But of course the shop was closed, with the rest of the mall.

I finally figured it out: next time we go through the mall first, THEN she goes to the department store. I'm a little slow, I'm not good looking, sometimes I smell a bit, but I'm entertaining to hang around.

Hey - is anybody investigating where the Flying AIDS came from?

Just askin' 

Adjusting Ring Adjusters - or - Forced Vacation, more or less Day 11

 lefty.

lefty?

LEFTY!

huh.. oh.. uh... what? Is the house on fire? Sale on ice cream? Does somebody want sex?

What's today's date.

You have no phone?

I don't know where it is.

So it's my problem, then. 

Yes.

Never, even on forced vacations, wake me at 8:30 to ask the date.

Ok. Don't forget - you have to go shopping with us today.

I know.

What day is today?

This is more than you've said to me all weekend. Why does it have to come out all at once, during NSH (Normal Sleeping Hours)? 

I'm... sorr.... [snore.....snore...snore...]

So... she goes back to sleep, I can't sleep, and the city is about to knock on my door, asking to see my permit for operating heavy equipment. It's ok, the inspector will hear her snoring, we'll laugh, and he'll go back to prosecuting people who put pools in their yards or built some outdoor furniture. But you seriously want to be careful if building something in Philly. It's not that the inspectors are on the take, but there is a pre-printed, plastic covered sheet with the building activity and the suggested bribe for it.

POOLs (below 4')     $20

POOLs (above 4')     $40

Fix broken concrete sidewalk     $30 before it hardens, $40 after, 

POOL (in ground)     $100-500 depending on complexity and level of bikini around it

Homeowners are advised to make the 'donation' early. If my supervisor has to come out, all suggested donations are doubled. Beer would be nice too.

Please place 'donation' in brown envelope, on nearest steps, then turn around for 30 seconds, as if you were remembering something, Make sure you look thoughtful.

Kentucky is very busy cleaning up after that horrible 'weather event.' 

When they're done, they want to change the state motto:

• Kentucky - WHY?
• Kentucky - our tornadoes are better than your tornadoes
• Kentucky - there are states that don't have tornadoes at all
• Kentucky - roads are clear, drunken tractor races are on!

Our Kentucky reader had some damage to the house but is safe. And everybody is terrified.

PTSD is quite real, and as soon as the wind blows over 10mph, they're right back there, in the midst of things. Houses will be rebuilt - people take longer.

Being Attention Addled, I have to use every trick I can to help myself function.

I have a small container by the door, with everything I need to take with me when I go out.

This helps immensely.

Until last night.

I grabbed everything I needed, drove away, and realized I forgot my phone.

Why?

Because it was next to the container with everything I needed to go.

Sometimes I even outsmart myself.

Here's our tribute to 'Who's on First', called 'Who Has 98.6'

So I'm getting ready for that aforementioned shopping trip, now that it's 1:30 and everybody's awake (but me). I have a wisdom tooth that likes to pop up, just to annoy me, and cause mouth pain. It somehow knew I was desperate to get out of the house and popped right up. Just for fun, I decided to see if I had a temperature....

Where is the thermometer this week?

Hang on.... 

Ah, on the toilet. I should have known.

[takes temperature]

Well, I have either 96.7, 98.4, or 99.5. Isn't it supposed to DING when it's done? Why is this so difficult? 

Lemme look at it. I guess LO means it needs batteries.

I'll back you on that. The next question is where the batteries are today.

[looks in bathroom, dining room, under car] Dammit - where are they?

[returns with different thermometer]

We have a second one?

Yes, push the button and scan across your forehead.

Beep beep beep. 70.5

I TOLD YOU TO PUSH THE BUTTON AND SCAN ACROSS YOUR FOREHEAD.

Which is, strangely, what I did.

[grabs thermo, puts it to head, looks at result] Great - this one needs batteries too.

Good, I was terrified you wanted me to shove it up my ass.

I could do that, you know....

Perhaps later, thanks. Any idea which number we like?

You feel warm. Stay home.

Ain't technology grand?

• What's that noise?
• Something fell off the table, so the dog is barking at it.

Johnny, Keep That Away from Your Sister's Rectum - or- Forced Vacation, Day 6

 My days are getting mixed up - especially the numbers.

I was up at 5am!!!

Strictly because I was going to bed.

So naturally I'm up at 9.

• Your love is like  giving birth to a baby, while having kidney stones

Since we've been locked in the house, we naturally have to go out for dog food. I'm getting ready, with chainsaws, machetes, and the old reliable flamethrower. And that's just to get in the car. There should be a Dog Food Lane at the store. Last time through, they only had 50lb (20oz Canadian) bags. Supply Chain Issues, of course. Penny weighs less than half that. Hopefully they have the smaller ones, or we'll have to fire up the heli-motor and visit different stores. I don't know what it's called, but I installed those hubcap accessories. You know what I'm talking about... the ones that sprout knives to shred tires of cars that get too close. People too, but don't tell anybody. I'd visit Guitar Center, but we can't keep the heli in the air that long, and it's bad form to crash your car into a house, especially from above.

The other problem with this trip is that it's messing up Mrs. lefty's coping strategy for me being home. Her coping strategy is to be on twelve hour opposite shifts from me. When I come down in the afternoon, she's just going to bed. When I go to bed, she's just coming down. This makes shopping together nigh impossible, which is actually great for me - I like shopping like SJWs like guns. Her strategy is quite similar through the year too. This is the secret to our (very) long marriage. So today we'll have to collaborate, which should be interesting. Meanwhile, the dog likes kielbasa, cornbread, and burgers.

She wants to go to Lowes. I said no's. To begin with, there are two state numbered streets required to get there. These streets were parking lots earlier in the week. The only chance we have is to wait til later, which suits me fine. She chimes in that everything will be closed then. Precisely.

Even if we survive the two streets, we'd have to survive Lowes. Even before the holiday season, they were beset by Supply Chain issues. Did you know supply chain issues also apply to staff? There's one poor, stupid, brand new employee running the place. She has to check people out, run to the back to check inventory, answer the phone, and talk on her phone to her girlfriend. 

Whatcha doin?

Sucks. I gotta work.

No, right now. There are 37 people in my lane. I'm going slow so I get it right. Accuracy is important.

No. You're kidding me. Really? But I thought she wasn't allowed to own broom handles over ten feet.

The other employee comes in in a few hours. She keeps asking the customers how to operate the cash register and does anybody have the key. Meanwhile, the customers are left to help each other, which is a recipe for disaster, especially close to the holidays. Most are too busy in armed fights for the last toilet plunger to assist anybody. The lone employee gets on the p.a. system and tells everybody there's a six percent discount if you can help anybody find anything. This sometimes stops the gunfights and makes people downright pleasant.

Customer 1: Gee, those rat traps are huge. And expensive. There's only one - you take it.

Customer 2: You're too kind. But you were here first - you take it.

But only for so long...

Customer 1: I SAID YOU TAKE IT, YOU BASTARD

Then the guns come out again.

So we compromised: we're not going to Lowes today.

I'm starting to get pissed at my laptop. I had to replace the keyboard. Now I noticed that the buttons under the trackpad aren't even. As in the left button is halfway pushed down. The moment it becomes all the way down, I will send it back to the manufacturer with some dead shrimp inside. Note: this method of complaint is much more effective in the summer. It's bleedin one year old. The last one was over eight.

There is a special new organic deodorant out. It can also be used 'down there.'

Please tell me why we need a deodorant for Down There?

Oh, it has a name. One that I've completely forgotten.

I think it needs a more memorable name....

• Twat Fresh
• Bootylicious
• Dick Delightful
• Vag-a-Sweet
• Penis Proud
• Aromatic Asshole
• Crotch Corrector

If I can't get canceled, maybe I can get sued.

Minds work funny. Some funnier than others. Some more neurotic than others.

Being on forced vacation, I just noticed I passed Week 1, having accomplished more or less, just about, approximately nothing. So I'm getting nervous that I only have one more week left. Are you with me here? See, I can be neurotic just like normal people!

At least I'll be able to get out of the house next week (he says, as the Universe laughs, heartily but soundlessly). 

As of last week, the dog got two mice.

And when I say got, I mean he scared the shit out of them and they ran right into the trap.

Dog 2, Mice 0.

Then Wife saw two mice crossing the sidewalk.

Then Wife watched an episode of a show that was called The Mouse.

What is someone trying to tell us?

The neighbors get them too., until summer, when it's Ant Time.

I can't wait for Snow Leopard Saturdays!

You know your date is going south when....

• You discover hers is bigger than yours
• She wants you to sit on her lap so she can feed you because she's much bigger
• She will wrestle you for the check
• She wants to move in. After the first date.00000000000
• She keeps saying you'd look really good with nipple clamps
• She wants to talk to you about white male privilege
• She threw out your old clothes and bought you things 'you'd look much better in'
• You have to keep her for life because every time you try to break up, she threatens to slit her wrists

That got ugly quickly....

Drilling Toilets for Fun and Profit - or - Forced Vacation Day 4

 Ssssssshhhhh.

Over here.

I have something to tell you, but it's gotta be very quiet. You can't repeat a single word. Promise?

It's my shirts. They're going missing.

Unlike every other house, my socks come back without fail, in pairs. It's the shirts, I swear.

Because the Department of Wash doesn't run on a schedule, I was presented with many more pairs of socks. It works very well. I already have more t-shirts than Imelda Marcos had shoes. Or even my wife. So I didn't notice it at first. Men aren't the most observant creatures on the planet, so it took a long time to realize there was a Shirt Issue<tm>. In fact, most men would miss a freight train running through the bedroom, even if they were looking for a freight train running through the bedroom. And even if they were looking for a freight train, they'd have to ask their wife where it was. 

Let's say I have one hundred t-shirts. I just took two clean ones to the room. And I only have one to wear tomorrow. That's math even a man can perform.

The thing is, there are no dirty t-shirts about. I don't have fourteen hampers of dirty shirts waiting for the Department of Wash to process. The Department of Wash, strangely, was not affected by Congress' inability to put together a budget. It has functional equipment and personnel to do the job. Just no shirts.

Every now and then a shirt will appear that I haven't seen in a year. It's clean and folded, but nobody knows how it got there or where it's been. We asked Giorgiou Tsoukalos, ancient astronaut theorist and owner of some of the strangest hair on tv, about my shirts. Giorgiou (Stan to his friends) said the ancient astronauts have tunneled through time to the future, and are taking my t-shirts back to Sumeria to help with the pyramids. I asked Stan (Giorgiou to his viewers) how my t-shirts were helping with the pyramids. He said there were only theories until a recent pyramidal excavation proved him right. While trying to decipher the heiroglyphics on the walls, they came across strange writings....

Jeff Beck - 2018 Tour

Do you know what your problem is? You're stupid.

Marshall Amplification

Yes, those would be my t-shirts. That's half the problem solved. The ancient astronauts are very bad at returning the shirts. Further, the Department of Wash is very upset because it feels it gets blamed for the disappearance of the shirts.

Score another one for ancient astronaut theorists. Watch for the episode on National Geographic. Or Science. Or whatever ($#&ing channel it's on. Next season will be dedicated exclusively to getting the shirts back or at least setting up a schedule, so I'll have something to wear. I don't have the kind of chest to go shirtless. Especially around Christmas.

This is the kind of stuff you notice when you're forced to take vacation. 

Note to the Department of Wash: if you could contact your counterparts at the Department of Marital Relations and tell them to get on their asses, no one wold have time to notice missing t-shirts. It's a win/win.

• Police urge against firing guns into the air on New Years Eve, as what goes up must come down
• Just in case you missed this in your physics class

Speaking of marital relations, Mrs. lefty is in the midst of spring cleaning. Possibly from several springs ago, but I like my body parts so I dare not ask.

As it's late on day 5 of forced vacation, she said she was going to bed a few hours ago, so she's up cleaning. I'm up blogging. This is incredibly far from a good combination, like Megadeth performing near land mines. Oddly enough, some of the sounds are the same, which is why I'm typing this.

Another thing men are horrible at is knowing the names of furniture. Men and women have reached an uneasy truce, where the guys just refer to things as 'that brown thing in the corner'. Is there some sort of class guys missed growing up that only girls attended?  So the uneasy truce also specifies that no matter how many times women say what the piece of furniture is called, men don't have to remember it. That one part has saved my bacon countless times.

I mention this because she's starting tonight's 11:30pm cleaning on one of the tall pieces of wood furniture that goes in a corner and has shelves. I'm long past asking what it's called. Have I mentioned she's part of a large group called Elephants in Tutus? Or just Princess Grace. Let's say she's... ummmm.... less than dainty, and may not hold onto things well. So there is no act she can perform that is silent, or of fewer decibels than a plane taking off. This includes putting on shoes. So she's cleaning stuff on the shelves of the Mystery Furniture.....

Are we going to use this?   CRASH

Remember this? (kicks box full of metal parts)

I'm going to put these away. BOOM (something falls off table, taking 12 other things with it).

[10 minutes later]

Weeee.... BANG.

What was that?

I tried to put something on a shelf in the pantry.

I see.

Weeee.... BANG.  Weee BANG.

Tried to put more things on the shelf?

[5 minutes later]

BANG CRASH. Bang bang crash.

Have I mentioned that the tension is ratcheted up from a long day and we just need to relax?

BANG CRASH.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAH, please STOP.

What's your problem?

[guys, you know there's a problem when she asks that question and your answer better be good or you better be in a different part of the country]

Honey, didn't you mention being tired and on edge, and that we were winding down for bed?

Yes, I'm cleaning..  CRASH. [plays an entire song with aluminum foil while things fall off a shelf in alphabetical order]

I'm waiting for the vacuum to start, but that's my job. So she starts the 74 Camaro in the dining room and punches it every now and then. I'm reading Passive Aggression for Dummies and this seems to fit the definition exactly. I dare not make the observation aloud, for fear of getting run over by said Camaro.

The thing is, I'm trying to BLOG here.  BOOM CRASH FALL

If I don't type it this moment, I'll forget it    SMASH SIZZLE FIZZ

My nerves are a little  BOOM  on edge.

I can help tomorrow, during normal cleaning hours  SMASH BANG CURSE CURSE KICK OOH

Would this be going on if I weren't on vacation?  You betcha. I'd have moved myself into bed an hour ago, and started my... ahem... nighttime rituals.

If I were on Twitter, there would be fourteen nasty tweets asking me why *I* wasn't cleaning.

Simple - I work and clean during Eastern Standard Cleaning Time. I clocked out hours ago.

BANG BANG THUMP THUMP THUMP CRASH THUMP THUMP OUCH THUD 

That was the sound of being chased with a frying pan, then having it applied to my cranium, followed by my body applying itself to the floor.

The palindrome of Bolton is Notlob

Shouting at Basements - or - Forced Vacation, Day 3

 Whoo... another rough day.

At least I'm trying. I put incredible amounts of energy into getting up by noon.  Well, I didn't exactly set an alarm or anything, but I somehow found myself not entirely asleep at 11:30 and poured everything I had into being awake and physically at least close to extracting myself from the bed. feel the burn

Today was the day I was to finally leave the house. I've surpassed my old record of 7 weeks, attempting to go somewhere on weekends and failing beyond miserably. We were both in that 'going' mode and she asked me where I wanted to go. Then she laughed, scorchingly, at my idea, telling me there would be a real mess at the stores and traffic all over the place. One of the things I really hate is traffic - I will stay home before I sit in it. So stay home we did.

Over seven weeks. At this point, it's personal.

After the first few naps, I could hear my stomach jamming along with a song I didn't recognize. Ah, I should probably eat breakfast before five. Yes, I have been eating a good breakfast for years, so off I went, to find the Ben&Jerry's Caramel Sutra. There is simply nothing like the taste of a great ice cream, plus the naughtiness of being an adult and eating it for breakfast (at 5).  

Wife mentioned one of our favorite restaurants should be triangulated on our outing, so I am seriously missing that place. It's another place we can eat like adults: the frozen strawberry daiquiris with sugar on the rim (I drink like a girl) are a tremendous warmup for the hot brownie with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce. It turns out they have entrees too.

SINCE I am not allowed to go out, I am ignoring the trashcans that must be moved back to the house. Well, not ignoring, but since I'm not allowed to go out, I'm not allowed to go out and get the cans. My area spent a lot of money ordering special garbage trucks. They made sure they got the special metal that RANG when something was put into them. Garbage trucks, unlike Hess trucks, are about the loudest thing that rolls through the neighborhood. The city wanted to make absolutely certain that no one would miss them, especially those sleeping in because they're on forced vacation. It took years of research to find the loudest metal, the loudest doors, the loudest lifting mechanism, and hiring the loudest crew. The latest trucks are electric, but were out of the running because they didn't make any noise, like the HUGE diesel engines. In fact, the stock trucks had gasoline engines, but we upgraded to diesel because they made that much more noise. In the old days, the trash guys had to bang two garbage can lids together, to add to the cacophony. Today they can just bang on the truck, which, as you remember, is made of space-age LOUD metal. A diesel motor was added for when the truck compacts the garbage, in case all the other upgrades failed to wake the masses. A state of the art p.a. system was added, to broadcast the most noxious noise possible, usually the Top Ten Hits on the radio. We are lucky - we're at the beginning of their route, so the trucks start around five minutes before the alarm goes off. I can make an educated guess that this is one symptom of the reason for our ridiculous taxes.

• Congresswoman Mary Gay Scanlon was the victim of an armed carjacking near FDR Park in Philadelphia.
• Another questionable form of participative democracy

Philadelphia officials announced the return of the New Years Day Mummer's parade.

Mummers must show proof of triple vaccination, have their temperature taken rectally, and be quadruple masked (especially the horn players). The CDC and Lord Fauci never mandated rectal temperature taking, but Philly always likes to give it to you up the butt.

• My brother asked me how vacation was coming. I told him. "Just like normal, but more of it."

When men buy a house or get to a certain age, they have 'my chair.' It can be anything at all their butts will fit on, but it's hallowed ground. If there are children, they are told from infancy, "Don't sit on Dad's Chair." They go through life afraid to sit on chairs; most can only sit on couches, if at all.

Normal Stuff doesn't usually happen to me, but somehow I wound up with a chair. It reclines. At first I didn't want to feel that important or old, but eventually I adopted it. Wife won't sit on it, but sometimes I have to remove Dog, whose favorite spots are where my butt was last located. I get the feeling My Chair wasn't well-made, especially because I put it together. Also because it should have cost more than a new couch, which I've wanted for over twenty years. This week I noticed the fabric on the seat is starting to rip from the rear. Since there's no actual pillow there, I'm thinking the chair will shortly be used to bang, loudly, against a trash truck. I could go Full White Trash and duct tape it, but I never inherited the White Trash Gene, nor can I get out to buy duct tape. As such, it will have to go. Which leaves me the Life Sucking Couch, where I used to sit. Five minutes in that seat and you're ready for sleep, even if you just consumed a pot of coffee after getting out of bed.

Wife says we need a new chair. Technically she's correct, but I don't want to see what she'll come home with. The current chair matches Penny, but how she knew we were getting a red dog years before we got a red dog, I'll never know. And it would make my head hurt to think about it. I've never purchased expensive furniture, but I'm guessing it doesn't require assembly. My Chair arrived in a small cardboard box, with sub-Ikea directions. Does good furniture arrive in a small cardboard box that you sprinkle water on and it grows to full size? With leather? Oh, I've just been advised that good furniture arrives by truck and actual men bring it into the house.

So this leaves disposal. My area has gotten trash wise, and charges a fee(!) for large items. A tv is $50. No idea what a chair is or if you get a discount for more than one. It doesn't seem right to me, so here's my plan: put it on the curb, set fire to it, and have the firemen put it out. Firemen take stuff away, right?

Oh.

• Amazon workers have walked out in protest to demand better treatment and higher wages during the holiday rush.
• Jeff Bezos, personal friend of God, told them to get back to their stations, or to expect a 'Kentucky-like weather event' at their factory.

Shooting Catamarans - or - Forced Vacation, Day 2

 We're locked down. Rations are dwindling. Have to feed the dog tuna. She's never been happier.

Ok, maybe not.

Wife had to brave the cold and roads to go out. The cold we can suffer, but the roads are parking lots. This includes the main road that our street dumps onto. If we want to get something to eat, there's no point in taking the car - just put on our winter best and hike. The snowshoes are worthless, as there is no snow. We can still use the ski poles, or maybe pick up some branches for walking sticks. Maybe if we take the dog, people will be nice and let us cross the street without running us over. Running us over with all traffic stopped - they'd find a way.

An old Christmas tradition is on Christmas eve, we go to the nearest mall, get some hot chocolate, and watch the loons run around at the last minute. They need to pick up a few things, and by that I mean they need to do their entire Christmas shopping in the hour the mall remains open. They are generally men, and of course they are. We are clueless. The women have had their entire list made up and crossed off since June, whereas we don't have any ideas for our spouse or significant other. We haven't listened to a thing they've said all year, sometimes out of necessity, so we don't know what to get them. We pass the displays of fuzzy slippers, bath robes, shoes, adult toys, and gloves, with panic on our faces. We don't know her shoe size, clothes size, ring size, or favorite color. 

Laughing harder are the salespersons. I can't call them salesmen or this blog will get canceled. They have gone through special training for Last Minute Christmas and have switched to Last Minute Mode. They make sure never to make eye contact with potential customers. If one looks particularly manic or in panic, they subtly move in the other direction. If all else fails and a customer manages to wrangle a salesperson, they are taught to be calm and dense as tar....

Sales: Can I help you?

Customer: Yeah.. I need.... everything. [panting]

Sales: Oh, Sir, calm down. Are you calmed down now? If you calm down, we can get through this together. Who are you buying for?

Customer: My family. All of them. My other family, in different states. My boss. My secretary.

Sales: Oh, I see. Well, our shipping department has closed and I don't think you'll find one in the entire state that can get packages across the country by tomorrow. I hope this doesn't ruin your calm.

Customer vibrates 

Sales: Do you have a wife? Husband? How many?

Customer: just the traditional wife. HURRY.

Sales: You have to buy carefully, or you'll be sleeping on the sidewalk. How about a snowblower?

Customer: Why on earth would I buy my wife a snowblower?

Sales: To keep the sidewalk clean when you sleep there. We have sex balls.

Customer: WHAT are sex balls?

Sales: The things over there, next to the sex massagers.

Customer: for my WIFE?

Sales: You know what they say - happy wife, happy life. You could just buy them for your secretary.

Customer: She has them.

Sales: Well, we're all out of clothes.

Customer: What are all the things hanging on racks all over the place?

Sales: Props. How about some slippers? What size is she?

Customer: How the hell should I know?

Sales: They come in small, medium, and large, so you can just estimate.

Customer: I saw them on the way in. They're picked over, mismatched, and some old lady almost  broke my arm to get to the last pair.

Sales: Socks are thoughtful. Oh, but you have to know her size. Pocketbook?

Customer: No, I don't have one.

Sales: For your wife, silly. What colors does she like?

Customer: She's a tough woman - black and blue.

Sales: Over there are our pocketbooks, in green and yellow. I'm sure she'll love one. Better run, there are only two left.

Customer: What does a pain in your chest mean?

Sales: It means you better finish your shopping fast. How about a lawnmower?

Customer: She doesn't mow.

Sales: Rake?

Customer: She doesn't rake.

Sales: Large green shed?

Customer: She doesn't like green. The HOA would have a fit.

Sales: Hideous rubber boots - they're all the rage.

Customer: She'd sooner eat them than wear them.

Sales: Jewelry?

Customer: Already bought some. For my secretary.

Sales: Fire extinguisher? As Seen On TV lawn spritzer and pillow set?

Customer: I'm beginning to think you're messing with me.

Sales: Sir, we're committed to customer satisfaction. How about a gas container, with gas.

Customer: POP...nnnngh... blah blah..... goo goo...

Sales: We got another one, station two. It took a while, but my training pulled me through. Take him away and add it to my bonus.

• Deer penis is a Chinese medicine.
• On a completely unrelated note, be careful what you put in your mouth.

So it's Day Two, more or less. I got up way too early, at 11.

The plan was to go out.

What I didn't know was Shoe Depot was having a sale. So much for that idea. 

Wife calls eventually: do you want me to pick up something for dinner? Well, I've been cutting down on hoagies and pizza because of my teeth. Oh yeah. Just pick something up. Ok, you like the hot version of the tuna hoagie, right? Since this is a half mile away, it will only take 90 minutes.

So yes, it's getting more and more difficult to leave the house. After joking about my Agoraphobia Certificate, it seems the Universe is trying its best to confer one upon me.

So I'm left wondering what to DO. At 11am, I'd be looking forward to lunch at work. Because I'm not working, I'm not looking forward to lunch because I'm not hungry for some reason. Might have something to do with the four slices of Chocolate Death Cake I had for breakfast.

At 2am, the Crazy Lady next door went for a ride in an ambulance. No matter what anyone tells her, she will not stop trying to fly, using the bottom steps as a landing strip. I could boobie-trap her place, but there's no sport in it. We decided that her punishment for being a nasty old $&#^ to us was having to live next to us.

You see that it's only my second day and I'm already looking around, bored. If this keeps up, there will be mischief. 

Life hasn't changed for Mrs. lefty - she's still doing all the things she does daily. Actually life has changed... she now has to put up with me, and I see what she does daily. No, vacation is not going well for anybody. Except the dog. Penny hates my laptop because she believes my lap is hers exclusively. Now she simply leaps onto my lap and screw the laptop. She will nap for hours, with me having to try to reach around her to hit the ENTER key. It turns out that paws DO operate a trackpad, as I discovered when I sent a Christmas email to my boss.

I was told to get Wife NOTHING for Christmas. Now think about this.... what would happen to you if you didn't get your SO presents for Christmas? You'd be walking funny for weeks. But she's serious. Fortunately the internal children/alters have put no such restrictions on the holiday. But this year, the Hess Truck is a plane. I don't think that will be a problem. So the kids get their toys and, since Wife wants nothing, a small tractor-size load next to the tree shall suffice. This year I got romantic: I hired out her favorite shoe store for a few hours, no other customers - just her. She's free to go up and down every aisle. I will enjoy the spectacle from the sidelines, with a tub of vanilla buttercream icing, a spoon, and lots of alcohol (remember, I'm learning how to drink properly). The joke was on me last year: I was expecting Serious Marital Relations, but instead, she sat there, checking out her booty (the shoes, not her butt). She has no booty, and for that, I'm thankful. I just don't like a posterior so large, you can sit your drinks on it. I'm not particular about boobies either, I just require an even number of them. I don't know what Mrs. lefty preferred, but she's stuck with me. Really poor judgment.

So that's why I haven't done much on my second day.

I think I'll take off every Friday next year, which means it will only snow on Fridays.

Who is this lunatic and why does he whine about having to take vacation?

Pentagon issues rules aimed at stopping rise of extremism

This must be Extremism Theater.

One of the reasons for extremism is the government's insistence on extinguishing our rights.

And this is their response?

*the rules have to do with what people in the services can and can't do 

Ya know what's clumsy this week? Christmas Eve day. We need a better name for it.

Kwaanza is out. Hanukkah has been and gone. We could call it Fred, but we'd need pretty wide acceptance. Unboxing day? Final Rush day? Oh Fsck day?

The Belgian Spider Shuffle -or- Forced Vacation, Day 1

Your love is like  cat burgers

Why You Should Stop Using the Phrase 'Master Bedroom'

the SJWs will be the death of us....

Today I identify as   a spork

 With great hope and even more trepidation, I started my first day of Forced Vacation. You remember - the days Work told me I have to take or I lose them. Only vacationing is... hard.. for me. When I work, there's always something to do, and a right way to do it. Without the structure of work, I get confused. And I get up to things, like organizing a Pied Piper to lead all the loud little neighborhood children off the street. You'd think the neighbors would have a vested interest in keeping my little mind occupied. Except for next door, who also thinks the children are too damn loud.

I began my day just like any other: screamed in horror at the realization I had to get up. The only difference is that I screamed at 2pm, not 7am. And believe me, after all that sleep, I needed a nap. I wasn't even sure I had enough energy to carry me from the bed to the sofa, where I could safely start my napping activities in earnest.

After hooking up the coffee IV, I began to plan the day. More accurately I planned the day's naps. I nap well. I was even going to go professional until I discovered depressed people can sleep all day. How could I possibly compete with that? It was so demoralizing, I needed a nap.

After I got that sorted out, I screamed again, because I remembered this was day 1 of my forced vacation. I wasn't ready. How does one prepare for something like this? I didn't have the time to do the research before I got my days off. I'm a vacation novice - I was scared. After some breathing exercises the doctors gave me, I screamed again. Breathing exercises don't work. Nor does visualization or meditation, or any of that other crap, especially on the attention-addled. One doctor had me close my eyes and picture myself going down flights of stairs. When he was done, it was apparent he had hypnotized himself, while the whole exercise just annoyed me and I could hear every car that went by the office, through the closed window. It was right out of a sitcom, maybe Monk. Maybe Three Stooges.

I sat with the dog for a while. Dogs are great for people. They get anxiety and blood pressure down. I asked her what we should have for breakfast and what I should do on my first day of vacation. The answers, as usual, were a can of tuna, and rub her belly. Oddly, this did not lower my blood pressure. And I stopped eating tuna for breakfast after the porta-potty incident.

I had been giving some thought to what to do on vacation. Let me know if you think any of these would be good....

• taking the time to learn to drink properly 
• getting a job as a reviewer of pr0n, writing about the plot
• a second midlife crisis
• learn a quick, easy foreign language. Like Chinese.
• translate all versions of the bible to Swahili
• crash course on making those little drink umbrellas
• find a trophy girlfriend (made difficult by Wife's strict No Dating policy)
• Learn how to be a chef. At least learn to drizzle stuff over something the chef made.
• help Wife get rid of her frequent headaches

While I'm dealing with this crisis, Mrs. lefty tells me not to mention it too frequently. She thinks there will be precious little sympathy for me. I think she's out of touch, but I humor her because I love her. Our relationship is based on love. Love and humoring the other one.

The second bouncy castle death incident happened the other day in Australia. This time five children died. Word of advice to the alleged adults: get the children out before you launch the castle into the air. This proves we haven't learned anything from history. In medieval times, the castle was used for defense, to protect the people. As a side note, it was not bouncy either. At no point did people launch the castle at the invaders. Had we paid attention in school, or if there was a live brain cell among the adults, those children would still be alive today.

• Firefox users can't reach Microsoft.com. A workaround has been published, leaving users to believe there's something wrong with not being able to reach Microsoft.

Flying AIDS News  

Current vaccines are enough to fight omicron, but massive wave is coming fast

Fauci says PANIC, dammit!  

No jab, no job: Google will fire unvaccinated employees

Omicron largely evades immunity from past infection or two vaccine doses

‘Striking’ vaccine resistance in Omicron variant: Columbia University

Fauci says a redefinition of fully vaccinated is 'on the table'

Today’s coronavirus news: Ontario’s limit on indoor social gatherings to be cut from 25 people to 10, and outdoors from 100 to 25, with indoor capacity at restaurants and bars halved: sources

Court allows Biden employer vaccine mandate to take effect

Scuffles break out at anti-lockdown protest in Parliament Square as thousands of protestors opposed to vaccine passports and Plan B rules clash with police while ministers consider more restrictions

I'll bet the bastards didn't see this coming...

London's New Year's Eve celebration in Trafalgar Square cancelled due to Covid surge

Covid's icy grip on Europe: Winter infections soar on the continent as Belgium rages with anti-lockdown riots, Holland enforces brutal new curbs and Germany bans tourists in desperate bid to slow the march of Omicron

Mask-wearing on planes may be here to stay, Fauci says

Health officials say omicron variant likely to cause record-high coronavirus cases, hospitalizations in U.S.                      but but but    we're vaccinated and triple-masked

Have a seat, cuz this one is a shocker....

Nancy Pelosi (D, Hell) rejected a stock-trading ban for members of Congress and their spouses.

"Like, if we couldn't make millions on stocks and bribes, we'd have nothing to do all day. If we didn't do anything, the people would get the idea we're beholden to them or something. They would, like, call and email and stuff, asking for stuff and asking me to vote one way or the other. What kind of representative democracy would that be?"

• a Florida man was kicked off a United flight for using a thong as a mask, in protest
• he said since the thong covered both his mouth and nose, he was in compliance with rules, and compared himself to Rosa Parks. Parks could not be reached for comment.
• United said it stands behind its crew: "Thongs are only allowed in the cockpit."

I'll bet you didn't know there is a Ham Sniffer

I don't think panty-sniffing counts as experience.

Or hair-sniffing. But you could ask.

A Florida man denied owning meth packets wrapped around his penis.

I guess he wanted to go all night 

Dat not my meth

• An Idaho man charged with murder and cannibalism in the death of a 70-year-old man allegedly believed that eating the victim’s flesh would “cure his brain.”
• I'm not a doctor, but I think he'll need more than eating the guy to cure his brain,

I'm still quaking from the dental work. It has truly affected my life.

I'd be so happy, grateful, and ignorant, if the doc didn't tell me, on the way out, "I'd still take it easy for the rest of my life. No breaking or pulling food with your front teeth. Like pizza."

Well fsck. It's not like half of my diet isn't pizza.

But that warning from her sits in the back of my head, making me nervous (competing with all the other voices). Evaluating everything I eat. Saying NYAH NYAH. Ridiculing the size of my... junk. Making me neurotic, like some bad sitcom star.

Strangely enough, Mrs. lefty has developed a real taste for pizza and hoagies lately. Have you ever seen a man eat a hoagie with a KNIFE? Cutting off half inch SLICES of it to shove in his mouth?

As if that weren't bad enough, the cherry on top is that I can no longer play the guitar with my teeth, ala Jimi Hendrix. Pretty soon, I'll have to turn in my Man Card<tm>.

What do you want for Christmas, little boy?

I want a Jaguar

the Flying Spaghetti Monster

It's, like, Christmas, you know, d00d.

I think we'd all benefit from holding hands and singing

2021 SJW Non-Denominational Songs of the Season  

1. I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
2. Grandma Got Run Over by Antifa
3. We Wish You a Non-Denominational Song of the Late December Season
4. On the First Day of Christmas, my true love gave to me-One Just Made BLM Sign
5. We Need a Little Kwaanza
6. Silent Night (with no hate speech)
7. Feliz Navidad (you better learn Spanish-we're changing all the street signs and legal forms)
8. I'm Dreaming of No White Privilege
9. O Little Town of Bethlehem, where nobody was allowed to carry guns
10. Hark! The 256-Gendered Angels Sing
11. All I Want for Christmas is Preferential Gender and Minority Hiring
12. Deck the Halls with Parts of Whitey

The staff of ThermionicEmissions wishes you a Happy Whatever.

The usual reminders apply:

If you're hurting, talk to someone

Keep your family and friends close - you never know when you can use one to take the fall

Consciously appreciate those close to you. Tell them so.

If someone does a good job- let them know. They may never have heard it before.

Thanks for coming by. I appreciate you.