Thanksgiving in May

Your love is like carpenter bees

Wawa Free Coffee Tuesday - because you made it through Monday.

Wawa is a Philly-area convenience store that is incredibly well stocked. Except for the coffee. They have 8 kinds of it, but if you serve 8 kinds of dirt, each one is still dirt. I like coffee that will take the skin off your fingers, which this definitely isn't. But let me say something nice: they want some of that sweet money from coffee drinks, and these are really good. And the strawberry smoothies are really sweet.

Guitar Center misses me. Truly. To show me, they send me emails. Many emails. The first one said they missed me - the honest approach. Next day said they missed me so much, they were offering me 15% off (purchases over $27,300). The next few days, they said they noticed I hadn't used my coupon yet. I have received more emails from psychotic ex-girlfriends. Then the email came from the store's manager, who wanted to let me know I now had 23.7% off. The next day, the manager wanted to know if the coupon wasn't good enough. It gave me his cell phone number and asked me to call him. 2 days later I got a weepy email, inviting me to his house to "talk about it - just talk." I'm just putting this out into the public. If I see a Guitar Center van out front, I'm calling SWAT.

Idiot Mayor or Idiot Governor is at it again. New restrictions are to be announced Monday. New Jersey banned outside bar seating. This is perfect for the Biden administration: mandate, don't inform or ask.

Today I identify as dog hair, all over your clothes

We have a Woodpecker. Once a year, the little *%&#er pops by and makes an ungodly amount of noise. Before getting out my ACME double barrel shotgun, I took video. It was very difficult to find him because he looked nothing like the cartoon. He didn't even say "BEEP BEEP". Perhaps he's a hybrid...

A CDC Thanksgiving 

The CDC (Clueless Diligence Committee) has released its rules for the holidays. They're completely different from last week's recommendations, which we've come to expect from the worldwide organization that can't get the current weather right. Rather than listing all the rules, let's look into Christmas at the CDC

Mommy, why do we have a huge table but only you and me are sitting at it.

That's because we're social distancing by 120 miles.

But Mommy, I want some turkey. How do you get it through the video screen?

That's at Uncle Bob's house. We have McDonald's McTurkey.

Mom, how can we eat with masks on?

We're losing a lot of weight this holiday season.

Why do people sprint around with pizza at Aunt Florida's house? 

Their Thanksgiving Pizza gets a lot of exercise because they're social distancing, so they have to run it next door, instead of passing it down the table.

Mommy.. what are those little baskets by everybody's plates?

They're for silverware - everybody brought their own.

They sure are drinking a lot.

Kills germs.

Awwww... I'm tellin...  Susie has more than 10 people at her house. Call the Hotline!

I don't remember you being such a pain in the ass at Thanksgiving.

Look.. some doctor in France said we should cancel the holidays. President Trump said no masks. President Biden said masks by law. What do we do?

We're the CDC, Honey. We said masks at some point in the beginning, then no masks, then masks again a few times. We need to drink our own Kool Aid.

There's Kool Aid? Mommy Mommy I want Kool Aid!

You can't have any, it's with the turkey that won't fit through the screen.

Isn't Thanksgiving a time to be together with your family and be thankful for what you have?

That's the old Thanksgiving. This year we don't have to bother with family and we can be thankful for billions more in funding!

That's not what the teacher in virtual school said.

Your virtual teacher isn't the CDC, is she?

Yeah, but when she says words, they always mean the same thing.

Johnny, go to your *$(#ing room, down the street. And if you don't wear your mask in the shower, there will be no dessert.

Don't forget - your purchases are available for curbside pickup.

Is this one of those phrases stores use that make no sense? Guitar Center has curbside pickup. Ok, bring me a $5,000 Les Paul. No, I don't need to try it out first, I'm sure your knowledgeable and well-trained staff will bring me a good one

We order stuff online so it gets delivered to the house, not so we can go pick it up. Here's a 150 item list - can you get everything and bring it to the curb (please)? Just call 215-555-1234 if you have any questions... we'll be in the lot, quivering in fear of the Flying AIDS, with our masks on, in the car. We're the same people who have sex with our masks on - you can never be too careful. Just kidding - we don't have sex. You never know where those parts have been and you can't get past a vaginal mask anyway.

Who does this benefit? I guess if you need a printer or ink refill THAT MOMENT, but you'll experience great disappointment if you go Best Buy. You order it online, go to pick it up curbside, and the employee will tell you that it's not a stock item, so you have to stay parked there for 3 weeks.

Plus you need to admit that you actually like going into Target and shopping for nothing, and leaving with $150 of nothing. You just can't do that curbside. I've got it - I have the future of shopping(!) - get ready.. Personal Shopping, the way nobody has ever seen it. You video call the store. A Helpful Sales Associate smiles and introduces herself. She has a camera on her head and goes up and down every aisle, showing you everything you like. Virtual Shopping! No Flying AIDS and you 'get out of the house'. Of course the cookies are $199.95 because they have to staff the place, but some people will pay for anything.

If you have OCD and are a germphobe, I guess curbside might help: there are 2 less pairs of hands touching your beef than if you were inside the store. You want as few hands touching your meat as possible. Jeff Bezos (Amazon) will send you anything you want, and a few things you didn't know were available, next day shipping - why do you need curbside?

Forget I said all that - support your local businesses.

Dear lefty 

• Why do you do this.... this.... stuff..?
• Oh, absolutely the women and the money 

Trump supporters did a largely peaceful march around D.C. Largely peaceful, until the other side showed up, sparking violence, arrests, and police intervention to keep the children apart. This puts the opposition in 1 of 2 classes: blithering idiots, or organized. If I were on the winning side of an issue and the losing side held a rally, I'd sleep in... my side already won - what's the point?

Local news featured a local restaurant. The owner says, "We are a Christian-based restaurant; everybody knows the love of Christ through our food." The news should do an investigation on this - does everybody know the love of Christ through their food, or are some locals faking it?

TV Stuff

There's a Fresh Prince of BelAir reunion on the way. 30 years in the making. I feel weepy.

Devastated by the death of Alex Trebek, several days later, Jeopardy fans have petitioned, 30k strong, for LeVar Burton to be the next host. You can't say the fans don't respect their departed host. Is this what they call Internet Time? 

An appeal from ThermionicEmissions

Look around and notice the good things, big or small. If you haven't been radically affected by the Flying AIDS, do a bit to help those who were. If it was your job or your business, you could use a bit of help. Your area probably has no shortage of charities that sprung up, or an SPCA, a church, something in your neighborhood. If you can, and if you think it's the right thing to do...

We're going through our neighbor, the Church Lady, because bad things tend to happen when I walk inside a church. Or Apple store.

I don't know if BLM or Antifa is watching, but something is up with Football. To date, the NFL has bent over for everything, but I think some individualism is starting to creep through. After a play, 2 guys touched arms together, then put their hands on their mustaches. Not only is this unhygienic, it could be some sort of fascist or white supremacist sign. This must be looked into immediately. No sign of joy must be allowed to creep into football. Maybe the ADL will claim the invisible mustache is only 1" wide, like Hitler's.

27" Displays Displaying 28"

‘Transsexual Satanist anarchist’ whose slogan is ‘f*** the police’ wins GOP nomination for New Hampshire county sheriff


Your love is like root canal



Dear lefty

• When I go to my girlfriend's house, is it proper to kiss her mom on the cheek?
• left nipple

In these days of intentionally mangled political communications, miscommunications, distortions, and downright lies, it's good to see someone telling it like it is, speaking unequivocally:

Belarus opposition politician told she would be deported 'alive or in bits'

United Sued for Packing NFL Charters With Young, Blond Crews

...and the problem is?
Ah yes, more interference.

Today in Flying AIDS news, singing is among the easiest ways to spread it.
I've been telling people not to sing forever. Usually after somebody turns the radio on.

PA Idiot Governor hath decreed that alcohol may not be served after 10pm. However can we thank him for nannying the entire state? His highness also allowed restaurants to go from 25 to 50% occupancy. He needs to be impeached. If we need his 'help', we'll be sure to ask for it. It really is America here... we can make our own decisions. Recommendations won't hurt, but they have no idea what's going on anyway. This is no doubt happening in your US state too.

• Russian election interference, latest edition: Pavlotsky overheard saying, "That's going to be quite an election over there."

Russian, Chinese, and Iranian hackers are targeting the election, according to Microsoft. Can we get this from a reliable source, please?

• In his most recent commercial, Joe Biden emphasized education and promised free admission for all to the electoral college.
• President Trump, in his most recent press conference, dismissed claims of racism. He noted his nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize, and mentioned that the darkie before him also got one.

The pope says the pleasures of food and sex are 'simply divine'.

Sure, when you get your food prepared and your little boys delivered to you.

• Ya know how people say a rabbit's foot is lucky? Apparently Penny didn't get the email: she just brought us a rabbit's head.
• I am terrified to get in bed.

This week, the British government announced limits on gatherings of people to groups of no more than six. 7 people were dragged from the water at Brighton, by police with SCUBA gear. 27 soccer football games were broken up by police dressed as grass. 157 pubs were raided, by police dressed as Guinness, and Scotland Yard arrested itself.  Parliament wanted to make clear that this was for the good of the country, and that video conferences of more than 6 people are also on the banned list.

In other news, the Prime Boris was asked for additional funding for police. It seems they're so busy busting up gatherings of more than 6 people, that they've stopped dealing with any other crime. Just yesterday, a man walked down the street with a carpet knife in his pocket. He would only have been stopped if he met 6 of his buddies down the carpet store (by police dressed as carpet tacks).

BIRTHS

Tommy Shaw - Styx
Mickey Hart - Grateful Dead


LEFT THE BUILDING

Joe Zawinul - Weather Report

SJW Sandpaper 

In France, the book "Men, I Hate Them" is selling very well, in spite of the ministry on gender equality's statement that the book incites hatred on the grounds of gender, which is a criminal offence. The publisher called it a "feminist and iconoclastic book" that suggests misandry can actually be a way of "making room for sisterhood."    yes, we broke the law, but it's ok


Why black Americans are more likely to be vegan.
because meat is racist


NFL ratings drop double digits, fans boo
Dolphins won't take field for national anthem

The University of Michigan-Dearborn hosted racially segregated events on Tuesday, one for “Non-POC,” and the other for “BIPOC” (Black, Indigenous, and People Of Color) students.    Contacted for comment, Dr. King just continued to spin in his grave.

Cher calls Trump a 'mass murderer' & says 'punishment is death' in deleted tweet

Captivity - Day 94 You've got your republicans in her democrats

Today's best line:  I loved the Llama so much, I wondered what it would sound like if I had 2 Llamas.    - review of the Way Huge Red Llama guitar pedal


Idiot Governor says a few more things can open, but not til July 3rd.
Clueless power-grabbing ass, who must have left his virology doctorate at home.


The Philadelphia Parking Authority, featured on the vast wasteland that comprises bad tv, showing up on Parking Wars, will be resuming their nefarious activities.  Strange.... we can't go into businesses, yet the places we'd need to park are strictly enforced. Just what we'd expect from Mayor Spineless, who never met a cent he couldn't take from someone to advance his namby pamby agenda(s). I have nothing against the Authority; they're doing their job, and the idiots who park where they shouldn't, deserve what they get.  We'll add Idiot Governor, who hasn't done a thing, aside from holding onto his godlike power over the entire state.  The good news is that contactless payment is available. You can pay for your parking spot without fear of the Flying AIDS, then turn around to see the Mr Urine, napping against the bank. And he's not wearing a mask!


My latest billion dollar idea: laptop and external monitors that repel dust.


Belated and double Happy Fathers Day.
As for me, I asked Penny, of the Elite Spaniel Squad, for a laptop. We'll see how it works out. She doesn't say much, so it's difficult to figure out what she's up to. I told Mrs lefty I wanted a new amplifier. This could work out to my advantage, provided they don't talk to each other about it.

UPDATE: radio silence from Penny, but I won an auction for a very interesting amp. I won, I paid, and I got my money refunded. "Gee, we're sorry - we sold it out of the store and someone forgot to take it off the site."  Well. that's customer service. He could have offered something... "I'm really sorry for that. It shouldn't have happened. Pick something from the store and I'll see to it that you like the price. Or we'll give you free shipping." This is how you gain and keep customers.


A very special Fathers Day to the fathers who left us.
If only we could tell them...



The Food and Drug Administration has a Generally Regarded as Safe list
I don't know about you, but I'd feel safe taking medicine from that list.
I would not take medicine from the Sometimes Regarded as Safe list or the You Really Shouldn't Put That in Your Mouth list, as well as the You Took WHAT? list.



With the recent closure of SETI, I wonder what we listen for coming from space. SETI was a colossal waste of money and time. SETI was also colossal in size. What sorts of things should we listen for? People say the aliens see our tv shows from space and avoid Earth by any means necessary. Let's think 'outside the box (I hate that phrase)...

• like Earth, every civilized society has a lowest common denominator. So Really Bad TV might show what the Great Unwashed are up to. The aliens must think we're all the lowest common denominator
• If SETI proved anything, it was that there's nothing doing within its receiving range.
• Get the remote viewers on it (Men Who Stare at Goats)
• Ask Barbara Streisand
• We may not have to strain the range of our equipment. In fact, we may not need the equipment. It is said that if we look hard enough, we will find what we're looking for. Perhaps closer than we think.

2 big 1970s artists:

The Captain and Tenille
The Carpenters

The Captain (Daryl Dragon) died years ago.
Karen Carpenter (Karen Carpenter) died more years ago.

Coincidence?


Useless trivia:
The Captain (Daryl Dragon) and his wife, Toni Tenille (Tony Tenille) had humongous hit with Love Will Keep Us Together. It came from every speaker in every radio on every station for a year.  This was particularly confusing to the talk radio station's listeners. The Captain was noted for his captain's hat, a very silly head covering. It turned out his hair was green, from a suspicious groupie incident, and the hat hid his shame.

It was later discovered that Toni (Tony) was a male impersonator, and all her vocals were done by Joe Biden. Joe was replaced by Betty White when he started to forget the words. The group recorded a version of Muskrat Love, at which point the entire country sat there, mouth agape, and turned off the radio in unison. Not a bad idea, when you think about it...

The Carpenters were Karen and Richard Carpenter, siblings. Karen had a very good voice, and played the guitar. This was a minor problem, as they used to sit her behind the drums. Richard played the piano (allegedly) and pretty much sat there. Later on it was discovered that he was a major prankster and had bipolar disorder. They had to glue him to the piano bench, so he wouldn't get up to anything. Several band members disappeared under suspicious circumstances on tour, but they managed to keep it quiet. They were never found.

Karen (Caren) unfortunately developed anorexia and died, which put quite a dent in the band, from which it never recovered. To this day, Richard roams the streets of Cleveland, asking passers-by, "Don't you know who I am? I played piano for Karen Carpenter." 20 years later, it was discovered they were more than brother and sister. The comeback tour will feature Richard, with Nancy Pelosi on vocals, who looks borderline anorexic herself.

Vietnam is the largest nation without Flying AIDS deaths.
Apparently Agent Orange kills it.


ThermionicEmissions gives you tentative proof of God: the Philadelphia boy who is in the hospital, after being shot 12 times.

I'm here to clean up The Flying AIDS. It's going to be a dirty job.

Captivity - Day 76 Motel Hell

So we're minding our businesses, as we always do, in partial silence, and I'm working from home, enjoying the partial silence. Then I hear LOUD winds and rain. Then several huge BOOMS. Apparently is was raining. Well, too.

The BOOMS must have had something to do with all the neighbors, standing outside, with their masks and color-coded umbrellas. I think all the trees decided to go on vacation. They went down the block and embedded themselves  in the convenience store. It looked like a porcupine or that stupid Covid graphic.

Called Power company - all lines busy. Uh-oh.
It's all over the city and suburbs. They said it would be 24 hours for a fix. Impressive.
The guy who works at the provider said DAYS.
Ummmm.....

Mrs lefty said NO.
I can't work with no power (I'm powerless), so we found a hotel that was dog-friendly. Mrs lefty was absolutely in heaven because I had to register and she didn't have to listen to my extended grumbling about having to wear a *$#*ing mask. At least the room had a bed.

The dog was impressed too. She barked. At ridiculous times. For no reason. And when she barks, she won't stop, no matter what you do. So I went into action and slammed my finger in the heavy metal door. It was a good night.

You can't find or buy food in the area. Our power outage caught most of the restaurants (that weren't closed). We actually got voicemail at a pizza place. No convenience stores. Most traffic lights out. Even the vending machines were empty. It's 2020, people.....  Why did this happen? Some bizarre weather event we're not even supposed to get: a derecho.

While I'm at a virtual meeting, the dog starts barking again. I run to stop her, with my usual lack of success. Her mommy is taking her back home, but she has to change her clothes first (mommy, not the dog). I'm standing there, dog barking, missing my meeting, open-mouthed, because a change of clothes is needed. I was worried the car would start to fly and the hotel would turn upside down, cuz I wasn't dealing with reality - just watching it.

We're living in the Twilight Zone. More accurately, the Twilight Zone Hotel.
We were lucky... power was back early. All color-coded umbrella neighbors happy, and most of the trees removed from the convenience store. Dunkin was open, so frozen hot chocolates for breakfast and a thank you for staying open during the Flying AIDS crisis.


To recap, we have the Flying AIDS, looting, massive power outages, and the cicadas are ready to come out. The favorite tv show in America features furries, we can buy candles with the scent of Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina, Black Lives Matter has split with Looting Your Stuff Matters, and police are learning how to dance on a neck. The president came in with a long list of people he wanted to piss off and by God, he's nearing the end. His opposition fondles little girls and can't remember doing it (or much of anything else).  Maybe them there televangeelists have a pernt. Will there be beer in heaven? Will there be beer for those of us staying here?


So how's your day?





George Floyd, RIP, was contacted by a spiritual medium today. Asked what he wanted people to do in his memory, he said, "Well, peacefully protest. And loot. Definitely loot. Peacefully protest AND loot at the same time."  Asked what he wanted at his funeral, he said, "Oh God..noooooo.....not Al Sharpton!! He'll just make things worse! He didn't bring Jesse Jackson, did he?" Asked about racism, he said, "Sometimes it ain't about race. People see racism everywhere."


Idiot Governor says PA will move from red to yellow tomorrow. For those of you following along at home, he means PA will officially allow things Pennsylvanians have been doing anyway.  I remind you again: I didn't vote for this half-governor. We're being TOLD what we're ALLOWED to do. Not what our founding fathers had in mind.

Vote libertarian- you won't get this crap.

Captivity - Day 66 A Memorial

I have to give it to the weather: it has held up nicely for our 3 day weekend.
It's a shame that Idiot Governor held up, still forbidding business from being done in PA. Calls to random businesses elicited similar reaction to ThermionicEmissions: Idiot Governor must step down or be impeached. Businesses are failing and Idiot Governor has no idea what he's doing, yet is driving the bus (off a cliff).

Beaches opened today. The funniest thing, aside from seeing people, was the whiners who were on screen, whining that the bathers weren't observing social distancing. This is probably the guy who calls the police when his first grade class has 1 more than the number of allowable children at the birthday party. Or counts the people in the ocean to make sure he doesn't have to call the police and fire because the sand is overcrowded. If you look closely, you can see a slight twist to his nose, from getting punched in it repeatedly.  So the beaches opened today in New Jersey and Delaware, but you couldn't buy food or stay at the motels. I don't know about you, but I desperately want to drive hours so I can play in the sand, get sunburn, eat highway hamburgers, repeatedly calm the dog, then drive hours home. A day well spent - AND you can tell everybody you went to the shore and took the dog.

Much to our amusement, there are face mask confrontations. Somebody, probably Sparky, as mentioned above, sees someone in a store, sans mask, and goes ballistic. He pushes the pre-programmed 911 button and goes nose to nose with the offender. When he reaches the hospital, the nurses groan, say "Hi, Sparky" and ask which body part someone broke this time. When Sparky hits 65, he'll be able to tell when it's going to rain when his nose hurts.



PA doesn't have much in the way of sand, but we have a shitload of brown, ugly water in which large ships put stuff and drop stuff off, presumably for concrete companies.


What did we do today?
NOTHING. Same as the other days, although no one woke me til 12:30. I had to wait til 4 for my first nap.

I don't want to know how long I've been in the house, first because I can't count, and second because it literally involved food shopping, weeks ago, plus 6 weeks before the Flying AIDS.

Mrs lefty is always helpful in these times: I think I have this figured out... she's either tired of me or fooling around (or both). When it's nice to go out, she offers me the choice of something so stupid, I'll never go. "Honey - how about we visit my sister with 16 kids showing up today?" Or "Want to go to the convenience store? They have MILK!" Or "The home improvement store just got a new shipment of Flying AIDS-free nails."  So the dog and I hang out on the couch, per Prophecy.






Our hearts go out to the brave people and families of those who lost their lives for our country. It is doubly sad that this happened for the benefit of the Military Industrial Complex.

Captivity - Day 65 Susie-don't put that in your mouth

What's the best way to tear a paper towel diagonally?
Tear it on the pre-perforated straight line.


Something's up... I found myself awake at 10:30 (that's a.m. for anybody still reading). I think the best way to deal with this is to take a nap. I've been told I snore like a Saturn rocket: I don't hear it at all. Occasionally I give her a break and nap on the couch (it's easier than typing 'she told me to sleep on the couch').


What's the best way for a normal couple to discover they need to use the bathroom NOW?  That's easy - break the toilet.  Well, we didn't break it so much as it stopped working. There are exactly 2 people in the house plus one dog. The dog has it taken care of, but I suspect I'd upset the neighbors even more if we followed her example. The bipedal denizens of said house have the plumbing aptitude of Idiot Governor. This is, as they say, NFG.

We threw stuff at it. Everything the internet told us, although I suspect we came upon a few joke pages (M-80, C-4, lasagna, baking soda) and I can affirm that throwing lasagna and baking powder at a toilet is a bit of a failure. Especially if you miss the toilet. Then we tried putting the stuff IN the toilet. We were triumphant in our success, although the toilet remained broken. I remember my school days, when explosives always had an effect on plumbing, but felt it was the wrong effect. I had just gotten done reading an article about plumbers charging $400 to take phone calls over the weekend, and we were short of lasagna. We called Cousin Luigi and asked if rigatoni was an accurate substitute for lasagna. He said no, because it took much longer to cook.

We were starting to get upset. Well, she was. When something bad happens, I surf harder. It makes the house a lot more quiet.

To make a long story longer, like magic, the toilet was functional this morning. And there was not so much as one Saturn V missile missing from my stash (the NSA is going to have a blast with trigger words on this blog today).


Speaking of giraffes, I was forced to do that thing that I hate most in life: mow. It's not so much forced as Mrs lefty goes out to do it, interrupting my 2nd nap of the day, and I can't rightly let her do it. I'd set fire to anything green but I'm told that's not legal, even on one's own property. Last year we hired the neighbor kids at a ridiculous rate, to mow. It was a pleasure, no matter how much they want. All of the sudden, this year, they have to study. What child has ever said they don't want money - they have to study? Maybe they don't like grass either. At least they get paid to not like grass - I get paid to grow it.

Mrs lefty takes the mower out and I give up. She wants to mow with the mower and a cane. There goes my 2nd nap. I growl and notice the crazy lady's front area is full of stones without a single blade of grass. I loudly told Wife that someone was going to mow the grass that wasn't me, or the area will be like the crazy lady's.  Or the crazy lady will call the police again because the grass is 1" over the 36" limit. "But we were social distancing from our grass, Officer."


According to the news, New Jersey is opening Tuesday. I guess their Idiot Mayor used the state protocol too (threw darts at a calendar). The hotels and motels are closed, so that should put a sunny sheen on everybody's plans. Pennsylvania lobbied to keep New Jersey closed for the foreseeable future, but that's still in negotiations. Can you imagine being 230 feet in the air on a ferris wheel that is stopped every car to check if everybody has masks and is social distancing? Have I mentioned my terror of heights? I may have to test the bathroom. Again.

According to phone calls, Idiot Governor hath decreed that there will be no in-restaurant service until he turns pink. There is actually a suit against Idiot Governor - I have to sign and contribute. Impeach Wolf! I didn't vote for the idiot. Put the libertarians into office and this crap won't happen.

Captivity - Day 64 Jimmy - stop spray painting the plane

Thank God people are willing to break these draconian laws; women can now get manicures! One lady had to wait two months.

Hey - hand sanitizer people: left in a hot car, it burst into flames.
You're just screwed no matter what you do.


The weather forecast is rains, storms; equivalent to green here. 107% humidity.


Idiot Mayor stops free parking because it must no longer be essential.

All Philthy counties anticipated to go to yellow phase by June 5, according to Idiot Governor.  Idiot Governor put on spaceship by entire population of Pennsylvania.

Christmas will soon arrive for the city, as Idiot Mayor authorizes speed and red light cameras to begin operating June 1.


Here we are, at the beginning of the 3 day Memorial Day vacation. It's hot, ridiculously humid. What to do? A phone is ringing but I can't find it. That's ok, who wants to talk to anyone anyway? If they want to talk to me, they can read this blog. The house line is probably the one ringing, but that can't be answered. No one ever knows where the handset went. One day it discharged and we couldn't find it for 6 months. Nobody noticed. Now it's lost on a daily basis. I expect to find it in the back yard at some point, perhaps by the dog.



We're are doing battle with a toilet.
It's winning.


I'm happy to note that the first day of the weekend went smoothly, with only 2 naps. The first one was an hour, the second, the rest of the day.

Captivity - Day 63 Return of the SJW

The University of California (of course) has dropped the SATs because they're unfair to minority and poor students.

Lori Laughlin was found guilty and surrendered in the case of paying so her rotten child could get into college.  Why doesn't Lori Laughlin surrender to me?


With the Memorial Day weekend upon us, people are revving their internal and automobile motors to get the f- out of their houses. Some just want the freedom of driving around the block. Some want to go into the water without their mayor dragging them back out. Some want to avoid social distancing in the water. Some will delight in hearing their little bastards misbehave at a restaurant, affecting everyone around them. Ah, the good old days.


Speaking of good old days, restaurants and other public places can make use of the Cone of Silence (from the 1965 sitcom Get Smart). Married people can use the device at home. Little did they know they were producing the first encrypted text messenger...

Like Get Smart, I missed the first runnings of the show. I also missed Paul Lynde, the funniest of the Hollywood Squares. Paul was gay before it became fashionable. He was a self-loathing homosexual who channeled it into his retorts. He was damn funny.  You won't see much of him today, except as Roger the Alien on American Dad. Roger was given Paul's voice as a nod to the performer.

You've seen the news lately, with each of the talking heads talking from a room in their house. A study the other day said people would rather watch movies from home, as opposed to the movie theater. Hollywood, always a follower, never a leader, heard this news and will now put out new movies, starring:

Johnny Depp, from his laundry room, as a rocker/pirate or something.
Al Pacino, from his foyer, as Generic Italian Guy #2.
Robert De Niro, from his balcony, shouting about punching the president, featuring the Secret Service, just under the balcony, tapping his phone.
Nicolas Cage, from front yard, as Man Battling Hair Loss
Sandra Bullock, from her upstairs bathroom, where we sit there and watch her breathe.
Cameron Diaz, from her #4 clothing closet, changing bikinis

All starring in the brand new Hollywood, never before seen production, of A Star is Born (on my couch).


Idiot Governor 'eyes lifting' of many more pandemic restrictions.
You know, the restrictions that were in place yesterday. Because one day makes the difference. We have no idea what we're doing or what we know.



If you intend to spend some of your 3 day weekend on tv, my advice for you is don't. Wife looked around for her programs last night and tv was Devoid of Content, in an extreme fashion. The alleged content mostly consisted of celebrities, at their houses, talking, singing, and repairing the world through music. Yes, their alleged music was going to heal the Flying AIDS. Social distancing wasn't always used, and the only thing to do during this was to watch for social distancing errors and yell at the screen. My wife did that. I shook my head and cried for music in general. Everywhere I looked, this crap came up. Even the tiny little out of copyright channels had these idiot shows. We gave up quickly. There was nothing to do but put in DVDs or, heaven forbid, YouTube. I chose sex, she did not, which pretty much describes our sex life in general. It was stunning in its total lack of talent. Vapidity. Sadness. Lack of soul. And really fat women with less clothes than they needed in any society. I'd rather count dust particles on the ceiling.

There were Fix The World from our Living Room shows on the radio too, but they got shot down when the SJWs discovered there were no sign language interpreters.



The state sport of California is the car chase. I don't do sports, but there's something about California car chases that's just so much fun, I have to watch. You can frequently find it live on YouTube. Part of the actual chase is the audience. They'll figure out the route of the chase and will do anything they can to get on tv. This particular chase after a truckjacking, featured an audience member positioning himself in the middle of the road, throwing something at the pickup.  Another citizen helper blocked the truck with his own truck. Finally a wheel fell off, which didn't seem to bother the thief at all; he continued to lead the police on a medium-speed speed.

The chase was ended by Governor Newsom, who outlawed chases because it wasn't fair to minorities, and there wasn't any social distancing or masks.

[sigh]
it's so sunny and nice there....



lefty's Law
Anything that can possibly go wrong will go wrong.
Twice.

Captivity - Day 62 Live by the Faceyspaces, Die by the Faceyspaces

Your new Apple devices have the Flying AIDS trackers in them, but it's ok - you have to opt in.  Yup - no problem there.

The sun continues to be uncovered by clouds, but I'm told it's a little nipply out there today.


Remember the barbershop in Michigan that got fined for opening?
They just had Operation Haircut, giving out free haircuts in protest.
If you'll close your eyes and drift across continents, to North Korea, you will remember everybody getting haircuts like their leader. Do you want that sort of thing here?


A Mississippi church that sued on virus restrictions just burned down.
Either God or the arsonist does not like the odds.


Sideways related to the Flying AIDS is down there in Australia, the dolphins miss the tourists, who used to line up to feed them. The dolphins have started to bring 'gifts' ashore, including sponges, barnacle-covered bottles, and fragments of coral.  So long and thanks for all the fish.


Idiot Governor tweets about a great PA citizen on twitter, immediately gets deluged by people unhappy with his 'progress' and handling of the Second Amendment. I'm so proud.


The new White House Press Secretary said God and prayer made Trump President. She also said, "Hey - let's dress as the KKK and run through the NAACP meeting!"  Regardless of whether you believe her or not, this is a hell of a way to start her White House career.

Since science, medicine, and especially politicians have absolutely no idea about the Flying AIDS, here are some materials brought by as a potential cure:

• styrofoam
• canned air
• sleeping pills
• cat hairballs
• nose hair trimmers
• old cell phones
• monkey feces
• used band aids
• frog penis
• well-mannered social media posters

Captivity -- Day 53 Dr Phil is not a doctor

Let's start with the weather:
it continues to be actually sunny. This is because the clouds are having coffee and haven't realized how sunny it has gotten. Within a short time, one of the clouds will recognize the unsupressed sun and it will all be over. And when I say all over, I mean the sun; the cold will stay with us. Yes, its May, and we're enduring February temperatures.

Idiot Governor maintains he's still in charge and will drop in with the paratroopers if any business tries to open. If he deems Dairy Queen non-essential, I'm joining the Resistance. One simply does not cut off malts for an entire area. Idiot Governor is overstepping his bounds.


The Flying AIDS is spreading in the White House.
The White House disclaims all knowledge and fault for the spread and asks why everybody attributes everything to it? It does good things too - but they never get reported.


A fight broke out at a Target after customers refused to wear facial covering (that's a mask to you and me). Idiot Governor Gavin Newsom rushed in with the 3rd Armored Division when it was discovered that one of the 2 perpetrators weren't female or a significant minority. When contacted for comment by the news, Target's official statement was that you usually have to go to Walmart for this level of hijinks.


Bible scholars claim Book of Revelation seals broken, 'Four Horsemen are ACTIVE.' Historically, the horsemen are death, war, famine, and disease. The Book of The Slightly Modified for Scaring You More Effectively, claims the seals are just fine, thank you, and people should stop their campaign against seafood. The other signs are Furries on the #1 tv show in the nation, social distancing, and over 90% of computers using Windows.


In addition to the Synchronized Stereo Mower Team that operates daily, today we have the Synchronized Stereo Airplane Brigade. There is no explanation of how their schedules managed to sync. Either it was pure coincidence, or meetings took place at a very High Level, possibly involving Pence, or someone at the White House who doesn't have the Flying AIDS (yet). Listen closely, as this is the technical part: the mowers achieve their stereo sound field by all being on the horizontal plane, with many many mowers riding at once. The planes also occupy the horizontal plane (see what I did there?) but they're at different altitudes, ergo, et al, sickly, they produce a very wide stereo field, especially when there is more than 1 plane. For whatever reason, most plane traffic involves more than 1 plane. The really good plane antics are not only louder than the Who; they knock shit off the walls. Like that picture of Aunt Fuck (RIP). There's a lot of noise for a small hood. Nowhere was there a sign for DANGER - YOU MIGHT LOSE YOUR HEARING. Actually, prospective buyers thought it said WARNING - YOU MIGHT LOSE YOUR EARRING.

Speaking of commercials, have you seen the one with the hot older models, pimping yet another Special Cream, designed to make them look 2 years younger, for the discounted price of $400 per small bottle. The shoot normally would have taken 3 minutes, but wound up taking 3 days, because they had to teach the models to say "Hyaluronic Acid."

Captivity - Day 49 Nostril hair

I got a tip on the weather.
Shhh... don't tell anybody....
Since it's May, it May snow today.

What kinda extra-planeticular lunacy is this?

This is why they(?) call it Mother Nature.
You know damn well this is the kind of hysteria that doesn't often come with the penis crowd. They'd be sitting there, remote in hand, watching something masculine on tv, like maybe sports. They'd set the temperature to a reasonable spot for the year and go back to arguing about goals per average.

Mother Nature, on the other hand, is..... somewhat more complex.
Did the kids cleaned up their toys yesterday?  Minus 10 degrees
Did Father Nature spend most of last night begging for a little tsunami and fall asleep?  Snow in the Sahara.
Did Father Nature take his buddies out to the High Winds Review and come home late, stinking of chocolate milk and looking for a Blow Job? You betcha it's cold in hell right now....


To continue our science coverage, the Flying AIDS has been found in men's semen. If you ever meet the person who thinks this stuff up, don't shake hands.


Idiot Governor says Philly stays closed til June 4.
Critics bemoan the fact that Philly is never open, especially at City Hall

Why does Mrs Wolf always get on top?
Because Governor Wolf can only f- up.


So it never snowed. It's not that we never saw it snow, though. The doctors say not to look outside - it's too depressing.


There's some sort of magic show where they're dropping cars on people.
I think this would be a great addition to the political games. As soon as you screw up, we drop a car on you. Just think of the transparency!!

The next candidate is a very attractive British lady, in danger of getting spiked. We already know this is fake, because there are no very attractive British ladies on tv.



What 3 words mean your phone is about to be in trouble?
"Install our app"

Captivity - Day 42 Leave the damn elephant alone already

42 is the magic number, at least according to the Hitchhikers Guide to the Universe.  And its author, Douglas Adams, is/was most always right, so major parts of humanity go with it.

10 minutes ago, the sky looked like the sun might win today.
At this moment, the clouds are doing their level best to banish any light, mirth, and fun from the skies. We may have to protest, the problem being, to whom.


It's Friday, conveniently the day after Thursday, as it is wont to be.
It's not as hazardous as Thursday, but we recommend a hazmat suit just the same. We will also continue, as always, to bring you absolutely nothing, but in a wordy sort of way. First (and second) off, we here at ThermionicEmissions want to remind you to keep your Flying AIDS news viewing to an absolutely minimum. I look at it once a day, max. Sometimes not at all. This has contributed a less than tragic overview of the World In General (WIG), as well as a general evil smile at the grass. Smiling at the grass is some sort of end-times sign. Because it rains here 8 out of 9 days, the grass grows like weeds, so there's constant mowing. Since I was bitten by a lawnmower (or something) when I was little, it's traumatic to address it. The flashbacks... the flashbacks...

Speaking of which, we knew it was going to happen, and it did so today. Yes, I went outside. Well, it was temperately sunny and I felt I should, or the voices would tell me I'm missing a vital part of being alive. I really have to have those voices fixed. - won't they be surprised. So there I was, on a perfectly sunny evening at 7:32, sitting on my own front step. Still entirely not sure why. Not much doing, except for my high-strung neighbor trying (once again) to put her husband's body through the tree-shredder machine. She told me they're difficult to clean and leave much forensic evidence.


So what are we going to do when Idiot Governor 'allows' us to leave our homes?
I have many suggestions (of course I do)...

• get a malt (they're available now, but f- social distancing
• guitar shopping (just to be next to them, even if they have no lefties)
• one of those goofy women's clothing stores for women who aren't small and women who aren't overweight. It's not for me to judge, but have you seen the pictures at the overweight stores? Women in bikinis? Lingerie? I know a few Chubby Chasers, but lingerie.... even other overweight women don't want to see that stuff.
• tuna, toilet paper, and pasta in supermarkets
• the Mexican place, which has takeout, -  but we suspect the hot food and the ice cream won't survive the trip home
• maybe that real imitation pizza-like substance

How are the hallucinations?

Glad you asked. I looked out of the office yesterday and said to myself that the guitar is not supposed to move around like a snake. I figure that qualified as a hallucination.  The problem with being a smartass is that nobody takes you seriously when you're serious.  I say to doc that the medicine works very well, but I'd really like the hallucinations turned down a bit. The doc is laughing because I'm such a wiseass. "No, really, " is a phrase I use a lot..

NASCAR will be the first race starting in May.

An entire load of Idiot Governors will be on the tarmac to enforce social distancing between the cars. Failing that, they'll be used as orange bumper guards.

My ass hurts. It's from sitting on my front steps for more than 1 minute.

Captivity - Day 40 Who are you supposed to be?

This is a very special day because 40 is divisible by 7.


So this morning thing... it's not working out quite the way I had hoped.


I suspect something (more) weird is happening at the lefty Mansion.
Ever since Idiot Governor slapped the locks on our front doors, Mrs lefty goes out twice as much as before. Not that we went out anyway, but since she was told to stay in, she can do nothing but go out. It's like a cigarette: she can go 9 hours without a cigarette. If you tell her she's not allowed to smoke, all hell breaks loose.


We don't get enough happy news, so I'll start here: Feds buy 100,000 more body bags, preparing for the worst. Everybody gets up in arms about this stuff. The Feds are doing their bit to shore up the economy and play a Fed Game called Guess Who's in the Body Bag.  I'll leave the rest to your imagination.


Kim Jong be-Illin is either in the hospital, doing well, dead, recovering, or playing a really long game of Monopoly. Maybe he doesn't want to leak that he's got the Flying AIDS.


We haven't heard from Idiot Governor lately, so we figured he was out where he couldn't do much harm. Naturally we were wrong. He was doing a tour all over the state, teaching the fish to socially isolate.


WTF is this fascination with Chicago? I was there once. It's windy - it didn't let me down in that respect. But the tv shows... Chicago PD, Chicago FD, Chicago Hospital. Coming next season: Chicago Bee Farmer, Chicago Walmart, Chicago Tampon Squad, Chicago Colonoscopy

Captivity - Cay 27 Run to the light

I got a look at what it will be like when I'm old yesterday, after proving that people can't fly (at least with a mower). I looked like a 90 year old, with mower-related injuries. Since it was a very real injury, I want to use it to my advantage - no mowing for at least 10 years. My psychic abilities tell me this will work almost as well as Joe Biden's mind, or Trump's attempts at subtlety.

I can't help noticing that it was very early this morning.

Statistics, that I just made up, says 1 in 7 in New York residents may have the Flying AIDS.  Because of this, we need to put a fence around California.

Today I identify as  the same thing I identified as yesterday, and likely the same thing I will identify as tomorrow.

It's a bad time to be in PA. Generally.

You want to avoid public transportation. Last week, 10 police stormed a bus to remove a lady not wearing a mask. Last night, a man shot 3 teenagers in self-defense. While the system is giving out masks, perhaps they should switch to bulletproof vests. UPDATE: riders are stealing the masks.

Idiot Governor made masks mandatory and when he was done, said he plans to veto legislation allowing some businesses to run. ACHTUNG DUMBKOPF!  Since Herr Fuhrer mandated masks, let's open the businesses.

Whenever you think Idiot Governor, thank your deity that you're not in California, where the governor is handing out $500 checks to illegal aliens. Statistically there has to be somebody with some sense in the entire state.

Idiot Governor will quietly approve a measure next week that requires all cars to wear masks. 

In Philly, where health workers are needed, they're being furloughed because the Flying AIDS is hurting the hospitals' bottom line.

Masks, as mandated, are still hard to come by. Suggested is making your own. Sometimes you have to use alternate materials:

• car stereo (remove from car first)
• China (turnabout is fair play)
• dining room table
• Aunt Margaret, who you never really got along with
• bra (over 38C for maximum protection)
• If you want maximum social distancing, Judge Judy (come near me and I'll talk to you)
• steal someone else's

I need to make a music CD for the car. For some reason, probably because I don't work at a place with them, I'm completely out. Where does one get blank CDs? Amazon does not consider them essential; my car does. Drug stores have them, at $9.99 for one. Hey - there's Best Buy! They now have curbside service. WTF is curbside service for audio? Do you yell across the lot to any convenient employee "HEY, I WANT SOME BLANK CDs"? He goes inside and comes out with the closest thing they have: a home audio system, with couch and 74" tv. No, No, No, you explain, and show him a CD in your car.  The lightbulb goes off over Darwin's head. He returns with an iPad.  Darwin suggests you use the app. The app wants permissions to your contacts and your underwear size. Finally you give up and go home. You order over the web, which tells you that it's ok to pick up. In the parking lot of the store you were just at. In fact, your cheerful sales associate, Darwin, will be happy to help you. You go home and wait til Amazon starts selling everything else.

People are pissed. People are concerned about privacy and government bullshit. People are protesting - in the streets. It makes me proud that people finally care enough to actually turn off the Wednesday Night Furries and DO SOMETHING. That is all.

Captivity - Day 3

Covid-19: the biology of an effective therapy.
A vaccine may not arrive for at least a year, so what to do?
Tell your SO that sex has been shown to help prevent it, but only in sufficient quantity. What is sufficient quantity? Whatever you say it is.

The day started out like any other, except for the major virus and working from home. I have to admit my coffee is light years better than in the office. We have a Keurig machine at work, but it's a fact that the closer to Philly water you are, the worse the water tastes. By the time it hits our house, it has had a chance to mellow, by eating the pipes on its way.

Working at home is pretty cool - I don't know why I didn't start earlier.
Oh yeah - my boss told me no.
I told him we all needed to be using linux.
He was amused.
Now it's ok to use linux to work from home.
HA!
Vindicated, once again.
Let's face it - when Windows machines connect to the network, they're likely to be full of viruses anyway (97%, according to an article last week).


The dog is over the moon because I'm home.
Mrs lefty, not so much.
She's one of those Loud Talkers on the phone, so she's banished to the back yard every time the phone rings.
This has the effect of rolling downhill: whenever Wife goes out back, Dog comes into the office and stares pitifully at me. I have been reduced to a doggie door opener.



Idiot Governor Wolf considering shelter-in-place order.
Idiot Governor Wolf considering opening alcohol stores (it's state run in PA).
Idiot Governor Wolf wants all non-essential businesses closed at 8am this morning.
Idiot Governor Wolf's subjects ask where to send their bills if forced to close.
Idiot Governor Wolf calling on state police to enforce business closures.
Idiot Governor Wolf needs to find out the meaning of trebuchet.
Idiot Mayor Kenney has declared no non-essential people work in Philadephia. I'll bet he's forcing the $250/night hotels to house his illegal aliens.



A Portland strip club was forced to close, so the employees started delivering food. Perfect example of adjusting to the times. It still doesn't explain why burgers are $50....


There is some sad news for guitar players: Seymour Duncan has to stop work on their famous pickups for the time being, but they are available to answer questions.




We used to call it WFH: Working From Home.
Let's be safe out there... let me provide a few tips, which the very intelligent people who read ThermionicEmissions don't need...

1. Update your operating system
2. Virus scan your operating system
3. Back up your important files, just in case
4. For the maximum protection, plug right into your router - no wireless
5. If you are using wireless, make sure your wireless system is set to use WPA2 - anything else is NO GOOD. You're flying a red flag that says "HACK ME!" Turn off the feature that auto-joins pc's to your router (WPS?).
6. If possible, use one computer only for work. Keep it clean, although you should keep all computers clean.
7. It's a royal PITA, but use a computer's firewall. Windows has one, as does linux.
8. See #1 and #2
9. Once a week or so, clean the PC. Bleach Bit is a great program, but pay attention to the settings or your computer will 'forget' things.
10. Mac and linux have LittleSnitch, which is sort of a firewall. Use it.
11. Remember to take care of yourself too.
12. Nobody pays attention to this, but you're at your computer desk for 8 house a day. Go ergonomic: set your chair so your elbows are at a 90 degree angle. Do not bend your wrists up to get to the keyboard: this will result in pain and possibly repetitive stress injury. Check out an ergonomic keyboard - I love them. Get a comfortable mouse - some are wireless. Take frequent breaks (you can set a timer to schedule them).
13. Remember: if you have sex with your SO, it counts as having sex at work
14. if you have any questions, please ask. I've been doing this for a while.
15. Don't open email. Any email. Especially if it's corona-themed. If it's from a friend, ask them if they sent it before opening it. The subhumans are taking advantage of the virus to spread malware.
16. You'll be much safer with Mac or linux (had to)

These tips are good in general. Don't wait for a human or computer virus to pop up before observing good computer hygiene.

Captivity - Day One

Idiot governor Tom Wolf declared closure as of last night, so Pennsylvania is locked down.

I got up early this morning, around 1pm, and surveyed the damage.
It was sunny, which only served to add to the confusion. This happened because idiot governor and state legislature ruled that it can only be sunny once a week at most. Mother Nature obeyed.

The guard posted at our door nodded good morning. I invited him in for coffee; he seemed about ready to come in, then he recoiled. For some reason, we're the only house on the block with a guard. He has a hazmat suit, so I figure he's one of idiot governor's boys. We make coffee a lot and leave the door open, so he can smell the rich aroma of French roast. If they're going to stand outside, we're going to play with them.

Mrs lefty had been on the phone. This is not actually different from normal. She talked to all our relatives, plus some other people's relatives.  She revealed the discussions to me, when I fell down the stairs at 1pm. Everybody was calm. Most knew there was something off with this. There is nothing sweeter than vindication.

If you're going to be held hostage in your house, the present is a decent time, strictly in the area of technology. You have the internet, phones, and video conference. Unless, of course, the other end of the video has an iDevice, then you're f'd. iDevices use Facetime, which no other device on the planet does, so you have to find another way to do things.  Hint: the encrypted text messenger called Signal has video too, and runs on all phones or computers.


Me? I'm still furious.
We are big boys and girls. We can make our own decisions. If we want to play at Corona Playground, there's no reason we shouldn't. We have had our movement restricted for no good reason, nor is there a good reason to restrict movement.

Stay with me a moment, please.
If you have a brain cell in your head, you're not going out close-dancing. You're going out for food, medicine, and hopefully to help others. There is no radical change - you use your best sense. We do not need to be restricted in movement. The government isn't going to rid us of anything but tax money. This is a perfect explanation of why we don't need Big Government. In fact, many Big Government roadblocks have been removed, so food and services can continue. Just like the libertarians said. You don't need all that crap to live your life. The roadblocks aren't helping anybody.

• most importantly: remain calm
• if absolutely necessarily, watch the news or check social media ONCE a day. More than that is toxic: it focuses you on Bad.
• help others, especially the elderly and sick - there have been all sorts of stories of neighborhoods getting together, maintaining help groups and keeping in touch by email.
• make Family Time. This ancient art existed before Faceyspaces. Play board games. Tell scary stories. Watch some absolutely hideous tv.  What manly men haven't played Barbies with their little girl? What manly men haven't played Barbies without their little girl? What manly men haven't played dress up like Barbie? Please don't respond to that question.

Mrs lefty stated that the captivity will have some consequences: family feud, divorces, alcoholics, and Corona Babies. Please use contraception unless you are already trying for a baby. I'm thinking about alcoholism, but my old boss suggested drugs. He said it took too long to get good at alcoholism. RIP, you big dummy.

I'm thinking of removing our car's muffler and painting FREE CORONAVIRUS on the sides of the car, so I can go cruising. If you're in the hood, stop by and see me. I'll be just in front of the police car with the flashing lights. You should probably wait the til police car goes away first. You don't want idiot governor to throw you in gulag without hazmat suit.