Your love is like dysentery
We were having trouble looking out the windows. Turns out they were just blocked. By snow.
Yes, it's the Week of the Damned, where it snows all week.
As a result. we're out all week, re-moving the snow. We removed the snow the first time. Since then, it's all re-moving. Are you the kinda person who liked to do the same thing repeatedly? Involving physical exertion?
You realize this is going to lead to nasty arguments, possibly shootings.
HEY - YOU GOT YOUR SNOW ON MY SNOW.
NO WAY, THAT'S *MY* SNOW.
HOW CAN YOU TELL?
IT'S WHITE.
This is the city where triple parking is enforced, by the parkers, with handguns. Where there are yearly stories about chairs left in empty parking spots, resulting in verbal attacks, which are sometimes worse than the shootings.
- UC Berkely bans outdoor exercise
- also any hope of a normal adult life
The news, long held to be a questionable source of information (and sanity), referred to outdoor dining as comfy cozy. Mrs lefty observed that these people were nuts - 17 degrees is not comfy cozy, even for Eskimos. She was also amused that as soon as restaurants got outdoor freezing dining going, the city came along and demanded they install up-to-date HVAC. This city is not stupid. Well, yes it is, but it's stupid greedy. It will also keep the inspectors busy measuring table separating for social distancing.
- PA police are looking for an umbilical cord thief. Yes, someone stole an umbilical cord and other things from a storage unit. Thus far, no one asked the victim why he keeps an umbilical cord in his storage unit. The thief did not steal the pancreas, which was just behind the umbilical cord.
Sometimes, when bored, we take turns reading out different forecasts. Mine shows no snow. Hers shows 3 days of snow. Meanwhile, the dog is figuring out how to levitate, so she doesn't have to touch the snow when she goes out. This will go well with her Walking on Water trick. Not everyone's dog is the Messiah, but we don't treat her any differently. Quite frankly, it's a little..... boring... having the Messiah. After 3 very mentally deranged American cockers, this English cocker is only slightly deranged, and very similar to... a... dog. We always wondered what it would be like to have a dog, and now we know. Aside from the standard abandonment complex, she's a dog. She barks when anyone goes by the house. I gotta tell you, having a 'normal' dog is overrated. After that many dogs with complex personalities and oddities, having a normal dog is almost tedious. No otherworldly abilities, aside from the tendency to snatch stuffed animals from shelves she can't reach. She has a big mouth, like everyone else in the house. Maybe we should get her her own cat, just to make things weird again. Marshall had his cat. Although we were told Penny liked to chase cats.... I guess she could heal the sick, but that would create quite a burden on our down time. Plus she'd bark each time one of the sick knocked on the door.
Today I identify as the pile of dust that always accumulates on your laptop, both screen and keyboard.
Ignoring the special geniuses who wear their masks so their nose sticks out, we have a Great National Tragedy, which is Mask Slipping. It's even worse with those gaitors (not to mention those crocodiles). We need a Great American Inventor to come up with a Mask Bra! This will also satisfy the outrageously stupid recommendations to double mask. Naturally the DD-Bra wearers will be way more popular... even the guys.
- Bruce Springsteen was popped for DUI last year, after accepting a shot from a fan.
- Bruce Springsteen should be popped for his music, not DUI
Today the president nervously demanded the impeachment proceedings be disbanded. He feels he did nothing to deserve it. And that somebody should take a hose to Nancy Pelosi
- In an historic first, women begin boot camp at Marine Corps Recruit Depot in San Diego
- We support equality here. Women have every right to be as gullible as men, believing they're defending the country, while they're actually supporting the Military Industrial Complex
Today the Russians started influencing Faceyspaces users to continue the impeachment. Of Biden. So far the campaign is going well, with large numbers of users forwarding the ads to all their friends and their friends' friends and people they went to 1st grade with.
- White House looks at domestic travel restrictions
- we're not Conspiracy Theorists - we're Futurists
Denmark's top court will on Thursday begin an appeal hearing in which it will be asked to decide if coughing at someone while shouting "corona" constitutes threatening behaviour. This is a very important case, especially for people like me, who call this Just Plain Fun, and practice it against people who annoy us in public. It's much funnier and more subtle if you just cough.
- Senate republicans say the trial has ended any chance of Trump running for office in the future.
- Huh? These people are even more disconnected from reality than we think. Yeah, make him the nominee for president in 2024! Vote him in as President for Life - no problem there. Even the greatest Obama fan will finally understand the necessity and inevitability.
- speaking of inevitability, the Debt will exceed the size of the economy - even before the new bailout. And we don't care. Congress should be pilloried for this. Instead, more spending.
My state just allowed itself a tax on out of state purchases.
Why should the state get a present from my purchases, made with money I had left over after I paid taxes for having a job?
- I need a cup of coffee to keep myself going. But the coffee maker is all the way in the other room...
TIP: do not use Ikea furniture for Adult Activities
TIP: If you're looking for Frank Marino (and Mahogany Rush) videos, which you should be, be aware that there's a Frank Marino who is a female impersonator. You're bound to be disappointed if you're looking for a groundbreaking guitarist and find lipstick, wigs, and penis-hiding. Although Frank Marino (guitarist) has long hair, it is not a wig and he is not the least bit impersonating a female. By the same token, looking for a female impersonator and coming across a great guitarist could be odd too, although I can't say I've done it. By their very nature, guitar players hide their penises, but inadvertently, with a guitar. The Red Hot Chili Peppers would sometimes hit the stage dressed in only a sock. Still, the guitar would obscure that. Frankly, I'd be terrified of that dream, where you're in front of people, naked, even with a guitar. Do you want close to 10lbs of solid wood banging into (arguably) 6" of personal wood? How would you explain it to the people in the E/R?
Was it a sex injury?
No, not at all.
We're you clothed?
Nope.
Did someone hit you with a baseball bat?
Not exactly.
What happened, then?
Well, I was having that dream where I'm in front of people, naked, with a guitar.
I know that dream.
Then I repeatedly hit my equipment with my equipment. I couldn't walk off til I finished my set.
[staff] Ouch. Take these, ice it, and rest for 2 weeks. No gigs, or even dreams of gigs.
What about practicing at home? Clothed?
Not even with a winter jacket.
How about a sofa cushion?
Not til after 1 week.
What about Sex?
No thank you.
With my girlfriend.
I don't know her.
Can *I* have sex?
No, but thanks for asking me.
With my girlfriend.
Try this... bring her in on my break.
Can *I* have sex with my girlfriend?
I don't know - can you?
With my penis?
Well, that would be the traditional way.
It won't hurt?
It won't hurt me.
Look. Using my slightly damaged johnson, will it be bad to have sex with my girlfriend?
Probably for her.
You're not helping.
You will probably scream a lot too.
So I should avoid sex?
That would be up to your girlfriend.
I could always take matters into my own hands...
Let me put it this way: go ahead and try. You will know instantly whether it's a good idea or not.
Where did you say you went to medical school?
I didn't.
You didn't say or you didn't go?
Both.
I see. What are you doing here?
Practicing annoying people.
Couldn't you just run for public office instead? Same effect.
I like it here. I get to annoy people who are having the worst day of their life.
How much does insurance pay you?
Nothing - I do this for free. And the nurses.
But seriously, we're graduating from snow to sleet, freezing rain, ice, and toads. The toads are the best of it because you can see them. You don't see the rest of them until your car finds them. I'm going to get some pictures of Arizona, have them blown up, and tape them to my windows. Nothing to see anyway - just every variety of precipitation possible and the entire state cursing. The sun has successfully hidden behind the clouds and only faith assures us it's there. The more brave and inquisitive of us are outside, trying to figure out whether it's sleet or freezing rain. These are the people who stand outside and measure the rainfall, in case the large breasted newslady is lying.
