Is that a Real Poncho or a WalMart Poncho

Your love is like   edible cotton underwear

It's been 9 years since Malaysia Air Flight MH370 'disappeared into thin air' (or water).  Scientists have developed a new theory, that comes on the heels of all the old theories. This theory involves barnacles. The previous theories involved seaweed, printer/copier/scanners, the Dow Index, and nose rings. Apparently in more temperate regions of the sea, barnacles grow longer nose hair. This PHD discovery went on to describe the micro plankton attached to the barnacle hairs, even though barnacles are sworn enemies of plankton. The plankton micro-impede the flow of the ocean, resulting in 'updated' patterns for airplanes that go missing. From Malaysia. So there is a new debris disappearance pattern. But still no debris.

This is a national embarrassment, and tragic for relatives and friends of the missing.

Next week, Very Smart Scientists (VSS) will theorize that a UFO came along and swallowed up the plane, which is why we can't find any debris, in spite of all the combined brainpower of the 3 people left looking into this (do not malign goat farmers - one leg is naturally longer due to standing on hills - you are seeing evolution at work).

In unrelated news, there is still no specific slur for Malaysians.

Sometimes I think it's more difficult to find a slur than MH370.

Fukushima: Discharge from Japan nuclear plant safe, tests show

The tests were performed with a plastic bucket and some sand, by the owners of the Fukushima plant. Anyone with a memory knows the same tests were performed when the accident first occurred. They dumped radioactive water and lied about it.

Scientists strengthen concrete by 30 percent with used coffee grounds

The concrete is reported to be stronger and more awake, with an improved sex life.

is there nothing coffee can't improve? 

3D printers printing without consent is a cautionary tale on cloud reliance

You can finally buy Lego’s Braille Bricks

This came after the 1965 Air France disaster, when the blind pilot tried to read regular Legos.

Passenger seat belt warnings should be mandatory, say feds  [including rear seats]

Because there is no area of our lives into which the federal government won't encroach. Seatbelts should be voluntary, as should those stupid warnings when you don't put them on. If I want my car to talk back to me, I'll marry it.

 I am not saying you shouldn't wear them... just that they shouldn't be mandatory. You're a big boy or girl, and you can make your own decisions.

 

Biden to bolster boondocks broadband with a billion bonus bucks (barely)

What would the poor broadband providers do without their country jumping in to pay for their expenses? Poor Comcast. Poor Verizon. Poor Biden administration, upset that its latest giveaway didn't break a billion. PRESIDENT GIVEAWAY IS SAD, DAMMIT!

Iraqi officials have ordered all electronic advertising screens to be shut down in Baghdad after a hacker used one to show a pornographic film.

Owner of signs said ad engagement was near 100%.

 

Xbox’s new “8 strikes” mod rollout judges hate speech 3x worse than cheating

That's right- Big Tech is now regulating speech on your Xbox. Go ahead and cheat - but don't you dare say anything hateful. While it's technically their right, look at their actions on the internet also.

 

I have a cousin. Ok, a cousin-in-law.  She's from the Polish side, which means I can't spell her last name. I met her for the first time at a party I threw for Mrs. lefty. I don't know what I did, but she thought I was the greatest thing since chocolate. Whenever Mrs. lefty visits her, she asks how I'm doing and packs a goodie bag to bring home for me. I asked Wife if she told Cousin that I can lick my eyebrows or something.... She has chronic pain and fights it with alcohol. I did not know this. While visiting, Wife left to pick something up. Cousin offered me a drink. I'm easy - water, Coke, just no diet soda. She brought me a vodka bottle with a straw. I thought I had a communication issue with Wife, but this was a whole new universe. Cousin thinks I'm cute, which identifies another problem that runs in the family...

I need to buy a pipe and a porch if this continues....

I am gross and perverted, I am obsessed and deranged

I have existed for years, But very little has changed

I am the tool of the government, and industry too

For I am destined to rule, and regulate you.

I might be vile and pernicious, but you can't look away

I make you think I'm delicious, with the stuff that I say

I am the best you can get, have you guessed me yet?

I'm the slime oozing out, from your tv set

I am the Slime   -Frank Zappa 

 

My Antidepressant Just Shot Itself

In an event no one saw coming, FamilyTreeDNA confirmed that it has granted the FBI access to its vast trove of nearly 2 million genetic profiles.

Oh lefty, you're so paranoid. You believe every conspiracy theory.
Meanwhile the FBI is putting together a DNA database of everyone, pulling from arrests, before determination of guilt or innocence. That's unconstitutional.

• Are there still Four Tops?

Hey, kids, it's Nostalgia Time!
Today we're asking Whatever Happened To....

Whatever happened to Flight MH370? Is it making an heroic effort to remain lost?
Whatever happened in Las Vegas at the hotel shooting? We know the crime and shooter by the end of the night in every shooting. Not Las Vegas.
Whatever happened to the sans serif font I always use for the blog?

Dear lefty:

• Why do they make that noise whenever someone says Microsoft in a commercial?
• Microsoft wants you to think you're getting something valuable, as opposed to their operating system.

How about some inspirational news?
A nurse saw a trooper by the side of the road and stopped. He was shot in the face. She helped stop the bleeding and sat with him until EMS arrived.

• If I hear one more mentally-challenged person say whaaaaaaaat? in a commercial, I won't be responsible for my actions.

Multiple Personality Files
You know things are getting interesting when your spouse is driving along merrily and you come to a tunnel. All of the sudden you hear, "ohhhhh..... ohhhhhh.... no.... tunnels!!!!" and you're sitting in the passenger seat. It is at this point you separate the men from the boys. The boys will hide under the seat and await death. The men will hide under the seat, await death, and have everyone singing a Led Zeppelin song, pulling the driver's mind off the tunnel. The story had a happy ending: everyone lived.

Truly must-see TV

• In case you haven't seen it yet, you can watch The IT Crowd on Netflix. I highly recommend it. The official YouTube Channel. 5 reasons to watch it now and TV.com.
• While you're at it, check out Black Books. Watch it on Sidereel Hulu and Amazon Prime. Here's the episode guide. It's dryer than Python or IT Crowd and very funny.

Dear lefty:

• Why is breathing controlled by the autonomous nerve system?
• Because if you had to remember to breathe, you'd be dead.

Continuing with topics of minor interest and import, let's tackle The Wall<tm>.

I'm thinking out loud... never spent much time on it before.

FACTS:

1. It's going to be expensive. Ridiculously expensive. And it's not coming from DC's pockets.
2. All the money isn't there. Does this mean all The Wall<tm> isn't there?
3. They are illegal aliens - not undocumented immigrants. That is language manipulation to achieve an end.

QUESTIONS:

1. How effective is a wall, vs almost nothing?
2. Would the expenditure be worth it?
3. Who benefits?
4. Is there a different way of going about it?
5. Can we use some of our advanced tech to deter/catch illegal aliens? Heat-seeking lasers?
6. What would happen if we made the US unattractive for illegals? No insurance, no income, no benefits. It's attractive now for those reasons, as well as businesses hiring illegals for less than minimum wage. While we're at it, seriously punish the businesses.
7. I understand that if The Wall<tm> is to be built, people will lose their houses and land under Eminent Domain. This is where you have no choice but to move, while you are allegedly paid going rate for your home/land. Sorry, this one isn't passing the lefty test. I know someone who lost their house because a HIGHWAY was being extended. There is no excuse for this.

Remember: they are your representatives, not your leaders.

NOT THE IMPLANTS!

All is not "Good on ya" in Australia, where a kangaroo jumped on a cycling Australian woman and ruptured her breast implants. This should serve as a warning for women in Australia, women planning to visit Australia, women who bicycle and anyone who exercises (especially in Australia) Also women who demand silicone breast implants, which cause all sorts of problems when ruptured.

• Just in case you're curious about what it's like being a porn star, Samantha Bentley shares... [ooh, ahh, ooh baby...]

A French ship has detected signals likely to have come from the black boxes of the EgyptAir plane that crashed last month.  MH370 working overtime to continue not being found.

• Marilyn Monroe would have been 90 this year. What a GGILF she'd be.

Two countries separated by a common language: In England,the list of the Queen's favo(u)rite songs has been released. This is apparently a Big Thing. Wonder what would happen if Obama's favorite list was released....

• Abba reunited for their first performance in 30 years in Sweden, during a private party, for a one-off event. They have been offered millions in the past but turned it down. Good for us.

ISIS militants have killed a Hindu priest in Bangladesh. They were no doubt worried about his potential for violence.

• In trials now is a blood test to determine if a prescribed medicine for depression is the correct one. I hope this works - it will be a potential lifesaver for depressed people.

The mother of a three-year-old boy who wandered into a gorilla pen will not be charged, prosecuters have said. We must not inconvenience parents who do not parent.

• Good news for Hef: the Playboy mansion has been sold to a neighbor, a private equity boss. The neighbor probably won't hurt either.

Restoration has started on the tomb suspected to have been Jesus'. Should he arrive, he is cordially welcome to stop by this blog for an interview. There is absolutely nothing like having a large audience of nine (on better days) to get your message across.

• The next Harry Potter play is already a success although its script has not been published yet. J.K. Rowling, its author, is drawing parallels with Bruce Springsteen, who can defecate on stage causing his fans to go into spasms of orgasmic glee.

Homosexuality is not a choice. Wearing Crocs is.

Brussels Sprouts

Marshall the cocker will eat raw Brussels sprouts, but he prefers them slathered in butter and salt.

Moments after the explosion, the French rushed right in and did the right thing: they surrendered to the Brussels Airport, American Airlines Division.

• In England, sexting among under-16s is 'skyrocketing', leaving the rest of us to wonder, longingly, where this technology was when WE were young.

The FBI is warning new car owners about hacking risk (from the FBI).

• Batman vs Superman? We have truly exhausted every plot imaginable. God vs Muhammed? The Tick vs Bipolar Bear?

The self-lacing shoe? Have we finally reached the point where we're too lazy to tie our own shoes (people in pain aside)? I appreciate the surety of taking the trash out and untying my shoes automatically (and tripping). Or running out after the dog at 3am because he's barking. This way, the neighbors get the dog barking and me cursing over shoelaces magically coming untied. I think the neighbors look forward to these events (it's a quiet neighborhood). But seriously.. self-dressing underwear? Auto-install bras would take half the fun out of things.

• What happens when you introduce an innocent Artificial Intelligence chat robot to Twitter? Well, it's kind of predictable - you get an evil Hitler-loving, incestual sex-promoting, 'Bush did 9/11'-proclaiming robot. There is a slight possibility that aritficial intelligence is not ready for prime time.

A woman has married the sperm donor father of her child. Dates, like sperm, are hard to come by.

• TMZ, the foul, evil, stupid tv show, has been sued for naming the wrong rapper who cut his penis off. Is this a thing now?

A Saudi prince has been sued for trashing a $100,000 Hollywood mansion via wild cocaine, stripper-fueled parties. Who knew the Saudis could party like this?

• Flight MH370 has become so good at not being found that a remote-controlled robot that was searching for it disappeared.

Bill and Ted 3 is waiting for a script and has studio support. This includes Alex Winter (who is working on a Frank Zappa movie) and Keanu Reeves. Whether or not we want to see it is anyone's guess.

When I die and go to hell, it will look just like Chuck E. Cheese

Hey Vanna - the Welsh Would Like to Buy a Vowel

It's not every day you see a body hanging from an exit sign but hell, this is New York. My interest in this item is not specifically the dead body. My interest is the reaction to the dead body. Two people took to Twitter to post intelligence about this new social phenomena. In the past, news cameramen, upon seeing a man on fire, were accused of choosing to film the event rather than helping the poor burning man. Now we have seen the next chapter - motorists, rather than calling the police and doing something useful, post on social media. Granted, the man in question was beyond help (we think), but in my paleolithic mindset, it might be a better idea to get the incident investigated than letting four of your closest followers know about it. I suppose we should be thankful that he didn't take a selfie with the body.

Great Social Commentator #2 referred to the incident as 'a man hung himself'. I'm thinking that hanging from a sign on the Queens Island Parkway might indicate the fellow being suicided, but we'll let the proper authorities determine that.

• It's not the first time a couple has had sex in an airplane bathroom. But it's probably the first time a Norweigian Air stewardess made an announcement, congratulating the lovebirds, who were reproducing. Flight safety was not compromised, so the police were not called. In the US, the TSA and FBI would have been waiting for them, heavily armed, with jail sentences.

Travel+Leisure Magazine listed the fifteen least friendly cities in the world (by survey). Six were in America. The seventh overall least friendly city (you know where I'm going with this) is Philadelphia. Most of the listed cities are tourist destinations, therefore you'd think that friendliness would be a given. To hell with stereotypes - France made it to the list also.

• President Obama is touring the remote regions of Alaska to bring attention to how climate change is affecting Americans. No mention of his Shell drilling approval. Further, in a sad turn of events, Air Force One will be bringing the president back to DC.

Feminists are angry that Kermit the Frog's girlfriend is young and thin. My immediate thought is why the hell not - the last one was a real pig. My next immediate thought is that this is an awful lot of hot air for an old green puppet. Note to feminists: he's not real. He's not sentient. He's made largely of cloth. His maker died years ago. If advancing feminism is important to you (and if this is actually feminism), perhaps you should set your sights on targets that are more, perhaps, alive. You know, something important. Why didn't anyone complain when his girlfriend was large?

• A recent survey revealed that 15% of men would have sex with a robot. The other 85% are lying.

Forty years after a great step for mankind, Russia is planning to go to the moon. That will be one damn long line for toilet paper, Mr. Putin.

• French prosecutors have said they believe "with certainty" that a wing part found in July came from missing flight MH370. Yes, some sixty days later, the French were able to ascertain that the plane part came from flight 370. In the next six months, we shall see the French coming forth with more tremendous, timely research, such as verifying that the plane part was (with certainty) white and that it was made of a metal-like substance. There is simply no way to keep the plucky French down! Relatives of the MH370 dead are breathing a sigh of relief. Meanwhile in Malaysia, the government had previously said it believed that the flaperon belonged to MH370. Malaysians certainly aren't the French, are they?

Please don't take my word on it. It was just World Sex Day and here are the words of the professionals - the many benefits of having more sex. It helps with illness, stress, brain, youth, longevity, and kills pain.

• Skinheads(?) have burned crosses into the lawn of a New York mosque. Hymie Schwartz, a spokesman for the Jewish League, said he was overjoyed that Jews all over New York got the week off from lawn care.

Nine biodefense laboratories that work with dangerous viruses, toxins and bacteria, have experienced an immediate freeze on operations by the Pentagon, due to the discovery of live anthrax outside a containment area at a military lab in Utah.   I feel it time that someone with some small amount of sense step in and clean up this problem. The Pentagon has proven itself somewhat less than careful, conscientions, and competent in the handling of many biological agents, mostly anthrax. Like a child who proves he cannot handle playing and putting away his toys, our Boys in DC need to be called on the carpet for their Anthrax Accomplishments. Shipping it (and ebola) all over the country 'by mistake' and finding it 'missing' are but the latest two rounds of the Keystone Kops - Viral Department. Has anybody mentioned the anthrax mailed to 'random' congresscritters years back? Anthrax isn't a new technology, folks. If we can't safely handle it by now, maybe we should take up less lethal ways of killing people (and ourselves, apparently).  Perhaps it's time to take away the viruses, toxins and bacteria and send these boys and girls back to whatever it is they do best.

In News of Irony department, snakebite antidote is running out.

• In the age of the GPS, a friend discovered that you can not only find Home Depot, but you can identify where each department is within the store. We have come so far. Have we?

Pope relaxes Catholic marriage rules: it's now ok to marry little boys. Oops, sorry... it's now easier to remarry.  

Philadelphia Pope Tour 2015 - Nothing's Sacred: Philly's mayor shocked to discover people are scalping tickets to see the pope, referring to it as trifling in his neighborhood. I wonder where he grew up.

• A businessman caught on camera urinating into a coffee cup while working in someone's home drops out of running for Canada's parliament.  Hopes to make it to US in time for presidential election.

The US Air Force has laid down an ultimatum to a Nevada landowner who has been there since before 1940 to sell or they will condemn the land and sieze it. National Security, you know. Oh yeah, it's near Area 51. They do so love their land grabs. The last one, around the 1980's, took more land so people couldn't get close to Area 51 to observe.

• Hillary "2nd Amendment" Clinton is for a 25% national gun tax.  Next up: a 50% tax on free speech.

Russian man unhappy with cosmetic surgery shoots surgeon then himself. You have to admit, it's a lot more effective and immediate than a Yelp review.

• Vatican conservatives are not happy with the current pope. I hope he doesn't wind up as Pope Kennedy.

Security Theater, Part 97: You know those TSA keys that will allow ('only')them to open your luggage at airports? The TSA, in cooperation with the Washington Post, published pictures of the keys, allowing anyone to make a complete set (not that it was difficult to pick in the first place). This is precisely the backdoor FBI Director Comey wants for encrypted phones. Do you trust these people with your security?

• Waco police pulled a gun from a woman's vagina during a drug bust. Police offered her $100 to fire it before they removed it.

TECH SPOT

Eight in ten internet-connected baby monitors receive 'F' grade for security flaws. Listen up, folks.. these things are garbage. If you MUST have one, do some research first. Learn which is the right one for you and how it needs to be secured. Or buy one that doesn't connect to the net. And secure it.

Fiat Chrysler has recalled almost 8,000 Jeep Renegade SUVs to update software that could allow vehicle hacking. Yes, I really need a car with a black box and remote access by hackers. And GPS. And a cellular modem that connects whether or not you're using it. And your driverless car can be hacked by a $60 gadget.

An Israeli security company has built a version of Windows that's "unhackable".  A security company should know that if you can touch it, you can hack it. And why use an inherently insecure operating system?

M-M-MUSIC

Whatcha got?

I got Paul Gilbert.  The last few selections were of the non-virtuoso variety. I've corrected that here. Paul is a fleet-fingered master of the fretboard. You'll notice a sense of humor in his playing and delivery, which I really appreciate. He's one of the guitarists who can play faster than you can listen but also does Tasty Stuff.

Let's get the Obvious Hit out of the way: To Be With You. Paul did this song with his group, Mr. Big. Eric Martin, the vocalist, is a highly underrated singer. This particular version seems to be a gag, with all sorts of extras thrown in and Paul singing. The headphones are hearing protection. How he pulls off the wheedly-ing while singing is a feat of physics and multitasking.

Addicted to That Rush is a great Mr. Big tune. Billy Sheehan, the bass player, is every bit Paul's equal on the low end. He played for Talas, David Lee Roth (with Steve Vai) and others. The song has dueling virtuosos plus great, memorable hooks. Both Billy and Paul have their own signature instruments.

Paul was in a shredder metal band called Racer X. This is a song from them called Scarified. Dig the flurry of notes, the tone and the funky astronaut motif.