Trump Takes Up Meditation

Apparently the Boy Scouts have a very serious pedophile problem. People are coming forward and telling their stories.  Who the hell do they think they are - the church?

• Leslie Van Houten, one of the Manson Family, has been denied parole for the third time. For some reason, Charlie's Angels aren't very interesting - perhaps it's the lack of carving things into their foreheads. Charlie, on the other hand, was always amusing (after jail only). You could count on good old Charlie to say or do something stupid, like Joe Biden.
• But seriously, if you're bored, check Charlie out. His childhood pretty much guaranteed his adulthood would be 'interesting'. Not quite this interesting, though. The eyes say it all. One wonders if he had any 'help' becoming so persuasive.

Philly government, jealous of how long Baltimore has been non-operational due to ransomware, stepped right up and got virused. This is the first time Philly government has stepped up to do anything. Currently the court system is the only one affected, but the other departments are making appointments to plug into their network.

Rumor has it that the IT systems are being run by illegal aliens the mayor gave Sanctuary status.

Dear lefty:

• How many angels fit on the head of a pin?
• Do you do anything besides masturbate?

A Washington man called the police after a prostitute would not leave, preventing him from going to church. It was her 'come to Jesus' moment....

• Another mission into the jungle with my nemesis, the mower. It's bleedin' 2019 - has every child in the area found a better job? Back in Frozen Tundra Season, one enterprising youth went around with a shovel, charging a lot of money. This smart fella probably bought a lot of goodies on Amazon (or drugs) that night. This is one child in twenty years. The rest are probably shoveling in enhanced reality online games.
• Time Warp is in effect, with the young couple across the way sending their kids out to shovel the walks of their older neighbors (or else). I offer to pay, but noooooooo. I want to offer to do my elderly neighbor's lawn, but it's an inhuman struggle to do mine. Plus the lady enjoys mowing. Perhaps I should have her do my lawn too. She's only 89, fer chrissake. A young 89. Apparently she doesn't see mowing as The Job From Hell. 
• Perhaps I was bitten by a lawnmower when I was little.

Wife bemoaned having to drink powdered milk as a child. 

I had to drink instant water.

• After watching a child get very excited over a new toy, I realized it doesn't happen to me anymore.

Faceyspaces' employees held a mass protest over nipple censorship.

Never has a protest struck so closely to my heart....

• A Florida (well it's about time) man covered his sleeping girlfriend in ketchup, believing that she had been cheating on him. He should really try oil or chocolate syrup. Oh. Never mind.
• A Florida woman stabbed herself repeatedly because she's "tired of living in Trump's country".  Under law, she can be involuntarily committed to the Happy Place as a danger to herself. I've seen this referred to as Trump Derangement Syndrome.
• A Florida man was arrested after trying to flee police, only to wind up in the middle of a law enforcement convention.

Trump Goes to Blighty

As you can't help but see and hear, the president went to England.

The president's people (including Fox News) say it was to pay a visit to our best global partner and discuss economics.  

The queen, who just turned 147, kept asking her assistants who the tall guy with the funny hat is. They kept explaining that it was not a hat on his head, but gave up after a while. After meeting, she referred to Trump as Elizabeth. No one knows why, but Trump tweeted he'd be the best Elizabeth England has ever seen.

The Ministry of Silly Hats took a small vacation, as the ladies' hats made it in just under ceiling level, which is frightfully small for England. Like him or not, the First Lady is stunning. The others laughed at her because her hat was so small, it fit under the door frame.

The amount of Englanders taking exception to the president was so loud, you'd think he was their president. 

The press was very British, treating the visit with respect.

The US press was 94% negative. CNN took a moment out from "Everything he did wrong" to bring on an English journalist, who said Trump actually behaved himself.  It was CNN/NBC/everyone vs Fox. None were watchable. 

If the president made an announcement that anthrax is fatal, 50% of the country would be dead overnight. The headlines would say "Trump Kills Half the Country."  When he won the election, the headline was "Hillary Loses." 

Not that there weren't gaffes..... Trump kept referring to Prince Charles as Jug-Ears and had to dodge Lady Camilla's advances, which got more brazen over the night, with the application of alcohol. He spoke to many decorated war veterans and asked his people if this was the war on the beach. In a speech, he referred to WWII as the Great War, the Best War, and said England was Winning. 

Piers Morgan interviewed the president, with respect, then presented him with a bowler. The joke was on Trump, as the rules state no one over 5'7" (50 British pounds) can wear a bowler.

Trump left the country, but only after the queen told her best filthy jokes. He said Lady 27th From The Throne Megan Markle has nice ones, but his wife had the best implants ever, of any first lady.

The American press went crazy on French President Macrone, decrying the fact that he spoke French. They demanded to taste some of his fries and his dressing.  The presidential staff had a blast, mis-translating French in Trump's earpiece. When Macrone welcomed him to the conference, the staff translated it as, "He says you're a pussy." At the end of the conference, France officially surrendered to Trump.

The following day, the president went to Ireland. You won't see much in the news, because no one could understand them. He was heard to say, "these people are almost as bad as the Welsh - they have no vowels."

All in all, it went much better than expected; England making no plans to bomb the US (because they'd have to ask permission first).

• I like elephants. You know - not the in-person elephants... the ones on tv. Everybody loves elephants. Now take a minute and look at an elephant. What kind of drugs was evolution on when this came about? They're obviously not descended from apes. Maybe aliens. Maybe the aliens were on something when they were here. A trunk? Where else in nature???
• Don't get me started on aardvarks.

the new iDevice STAND is $999

It's Raining Twinkies. Or Minions

Israel hacked into antivirus provider Kaspersky, where they discovered the FSB (Russian spy agency) has been, along with NSA spy tools and viruses. Kaspersky said they don't help any governments nor will they. Kaspersky detected a breach and reported on it. Israel warned the US in 2015. Quick as you can say 'chrysanthemum,' two years later, the US government banned Kaspersky from its networks. At this point, no one has proven Kaspersky to be involved in any of this directly. Regardless, they've been smeared and implicated and their business is going to take a hit.  It's like James Bond on acid.

• October 11 is National Coming Out Day. I'd like to make an announcement. It's been very difficult on me for many years, but it's time to reveal myself to my readers for what I am. From this day forward, I will be known as heterosexual.

The Department of Treasury denies domestic spying.

The Office of Intelligence and Analysis (OIA) is under Treasury and examines foreign intelligence. However, there is evidence (twelve anonymous sources) that, like their friends in the NSA and CIA, it is spying domestically too.

The Department of Treasury denies domestic spying.

Banks and financial organizations are required to turn over information daily and the OIA has had its nose there.

The Department of Treasury denies domestic spying.

Leaks made it to the government and Buzzfeed. Congressional inquiries went unanswered.

The Department of Treasury denies domestic spying.

These departments and this government are completely out of hand. If the opportunity for expansion exists, they'll take it. If the opportunity for spying exists, they'll take it. Any attempted oversight is ignored, stymied, and laughed at. There is no accountability.  And we're paying for the privilege of being spied upon.

• A New York man threatened a Las Vegas style shooting at a Denver company. He stated that he would get on a plane and fly there if they didn't pay him $100. I would have demanded at least enough to cover the plane ticket.

Google admits its new smart speaker was eavesdropping on customers, after a reviewer caught it uploading everything it heard to Google. Google says they have fixed the 'bug', by which they mean they've made it much harder to detect. People are paying for a device that will let Google (or Amazon) spy on you. I am shocked. SHOCKED, that Google eavesdrops.

• The Boy Scouts have announced they will admit girls into the Cub Scouts and establish a program for older girls. This is a big step forward. It's quite original.. you could almost call it something like... girl scouts. That would be a good name.

Faceyspaces went down for a bit the other day. Production in all sectors of America went up and brain cell loss went down 80%.

• I'm home, on a late business call. A long time ago, I learned to mute my microphone at all times, unless I'm speaking. I learned this because it keeps me from imitating my boss' accent or injecting 'witty' comments about the current topic.
• BANG. BANG BANG.
• BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
• BANG BANG.
• BANG BANG BANG BANG.
• I noticed some noise.
• BANG BANG BANG BANG
• Good thing my mic is muted.
• BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG
• In any other house, this would be amusing or distracting. In my house, it's like a live-action cartoon.*
• Thump thump thump... HEY LEFTY...LEFTY...
• CAN YOU OPEN THE BATHROOM DOOR? I CAN'T GET IN.
• I quietly point to my phone, as if to say WILL YOU LEAVE ME THE $*#& ALONE - I'M ON AN IMPORTANT BUSINESS CALL. BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG does not help my concentration and the boss likes when I listen to him.
• Thump thump thump.
• BANG BANG BANG
• BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. Because if it doesn't work, keep trying the same solution. BANG BANG BANG BANG.
• Call ends, I take a look. Somebody locked the bathroom door. Gnomes, probably. Since this is a very secure lock, I can probably dislodge it with my Secret Lockpicking Kit.
• Most of my early life was spent looking for phillips screwdrivers. Since my religion forbids putting anything away after I use it, I could never find a phillips driver. Mind you, I had standard screwdrivers all over the place. Now that I'm grown (allegedly), I can only find phillips screwdrivers. Phillips drivers are the one driver that will not go in my Secret Lockpicking Kit.
• Since people keep giving me those really cool multitool knife jobbies, I found my most Swiss version, with the LED flashlight built in. I had to keep adjusting it because the LED would come on by itself. Gnomes, probably.
• After 15 minutes I managed to make the standard screwdriver come out to play and fired up the LED so I could see. POOF - the last forever, low power LED didn't work - the battery was kaput.
• One blind screwdriver insertion and twist later, the door was open and I was muttering to myself much more quietly and not even cursing more than normal. Good thing this lock is very secure.
• This would look like magic to the person requesting access to the bathroom, but she had disappeared during the uninterrupted portion of my work phone call. Gnomes, probably.

* My house is frequently cartoonish. Stuff happens that you often see in cartoons. While 'helping' me cook or do dishes, Marshall sits or lays on the kitchen floor. If I fill his bowl with food, he leaps up to follow me. Unfortunately the floor is some type of lineoleum and he can't get traction on it, causing him to keep trying over and over again, slipping each time. I keep waiting for the banging on pots sound effect that goes with this in cartoons.

The other day I managed to produce absolutely the most perfect, unavailable, cannot reproduce sight gag that ever existed. While taking out the trash, my view down was obstructed. I stepped on a push broom and the handle jumped right up and hit me in the face. You cannot make this happen even if you set it up perfectly, or you are one of the Three (dead) Stooges. Since my nose was not broken, all I could do was laugh (and start mentally typing it up for ThermionicEmissions). Dear readers, I live my life for you.

• "Fatphobia is violence", some fat lady opined online, complete with pictures of her being fat in lingerie. Words kill. In this case, pictures too.

This month's Microsoft patch includes a fix for a tiny issue. You can encrypt messages in Outlook. And if you do, they will encrypt, and the recipient will unencrypt them. The tiny issue is that, with the encrypted message is a plain text copy of the email. To their credit, Microsoft jumped right on this issue, which was discovered in May.

• This Harvey Weinstein affair is tragic and will continue to be in the news for a while. Aside from the heinous nature of his abuses is the heinous covering up by Harvey's famous people and news outlets. Everybody knew what he was up to and nobody spoke up til recently. Now everybody's piling on, which is a step in the right direction. Except Lindsey Lohan, who is staunchly defending him. After five days, even Hillary Clinton spoke up.

An Australian man was hurt by a flying dildo, launched from the naughty bits of an exotic dancer. This is the kind of news story we need. It has it all: injury, physics, and an exotic dancer. Think of her muscular control!

Hack Hack Hacking a Lung

A UK woman, for some reason a model, wants to be so fat she can't move. No, really. He boyfriend, a feeder, is feeding her obsession. She currently weighs 50 stone, which, according to an online converter, is 700 pounds. Regardless of conversion accuracy, she's a flipping disaster. Her plan is to reach 1000 pounds. This is a sexual fantasy, people.  I figure she must have some interesting life insurance and the boyfriend is gonna get his jollies then she's going to die in short order. Apparently nobody told them it's dangerous to be to fat.

Oh yeah.. don't say anything bad or you'll be fat-shaming.

• Apparently fax machines can be radicalized. Yes, binLaden figured out a way to turn your machine against you. If you still have one, keep an eye on it. You never know what it will get up to. The real problem is not the fax machine - the real problem is that the government is getting involved to help us. (article is from 2015)

There is now a petition on Change.org to End Discrimination of Young Women by the Boy Scouts of America. I don't know where these miniature Einsteins come up with this stuff, but it looks like they're serious. It also looks like they're not aware of the Girl Scouts and Brownies. Until the Girl Scouts are petitioned to end discrimination against young men, I'm not signing. The good news is that gays can now join Boy Scouts but atheists are still persona non grata.

• Senate democrats are holding up a Zika funding bill over language inserted by republicans relating to Planned Parenthood. This sounds like a perfect time to enact my One Topic Rule: all legislation will be restricted to one topic only. No inserts or backdoors. One topic.

Amy Schumer says that anyone who isn't a feminist is insane. Amy is a Subject Matter Expert (SME).

• A potential entry for Best Headline: Fish Fraud is Absolutely Rampant. In a recent study, one in five samples was mislabeled. Next time your order flounder, remember that in reality, you could be eating the bumper of a 1975 Pinto.

In a very alarming trend, HSBC bank has become the latest financial institution to allow selfies as a form of identification. This must certainly be the final horseman of the apocalypse.

• Londoners were urged to look out for and report brothels so the government could watch for sexual exploitation. It's for the children. In other news, the IRS has urged Americans to report businesses and people not charging income tax, so the government coud look out for sexual exploitation. Tax cheating is the gateway drug to sex-trafficking.

According to just-released research, over half of 18-24 year old female students experience sexual harassment. one in seven males too. Just short of half 18-24 year old female students and six in seven male students are protesting for the right to be harassed too.

• My best friend got dragged to a Springsteen concert. It was only fair - he drags his wife to his concerts (although his concerts are naturally lots better).  This morning he sent me a link to an article noting that Bruce just broke the record for longest concert held at that venue. It's like being 'volunteered' for the Afghani army. The torture never stops.

My company has done a tremendously safe thing and outlawed Firefox from its desktops. In fact, the system is so safe that even its own administrators cannot install Firefox to the desktops, despite incredibly expensive software and systems designed for just this purpose. Although I require Firefox to perform my duties and have Supervisor Permission, nobody in the entire corporation can install the program.  Just between us, I installed Firefox when I first arrived. The other day I was using it and POOF, it completely disappeared. Uninstalled by itself, by the same system that cannot install it. The institutional incompetence is mind-boggling.

• A woman has been accused of setting fire to a blanket and a control panel on a jetBlue flight. We're sure glad the TSA has protected us against this sort of thing. Good thing she didn't have a box cutter, eh?  Did we have this level of Crazy before 9-11, which went unreported?

In another bold move for equality, Brown University will be making tampons available in men's restrooms. No word yet on where men are going to put them...

• Mark the date: September 8th is National Ampersand Day. Because we've run out of all other days. Well.. maybe National Twig Day. National Belly Lint Day. National Termite Day. National Mother-In-Law Day (although that's going too far).

I know you're asking yourself how to generate a good, safe password. While you're waiting for an answer, here are the top 40 passwords - please don't use any of these:

Think it can't happen to you?

I strongly urge you, if you haven't already, to get your affairs in order. Life insurance for those who will be left behind, will, power of attorney, advanced directive, burial wishes and payment, disposition of your Stuff, etc. Please do this before it's needed. Save those left behind a lot of additional grief and assure your wishes are enforced.

Happy 15th Anniversary

Pope Ain't No Dope

So the nazi pope has stepped down, which came as a surprise to apparently everyone (yes, he was a nazi when he was younger).

Pope can cite ill health all he wants; the last time a pope retired, many people could not read and write.  Usually popes are buried, hence my skepticism.

One of the more interesting pieces of news around this announcement is that They are saying that perhaps it's time to go with a new pope from a different area, like Africa.

BOOM!
FLASH!
It hit me instantly: this pope is getting while the getting is good.  He is not a stupid pontiff; he sees the legal writing in the wall.  He is escaping before the excrement hits the rotating device.

Then, when he's gone, they're going to blame it on the black guy.

=========================

The Catholic Church appears to be one of the largest, most corrupt organizations on the planet.  In case you're not up to date, this is an organization that has tacitly approved pedophilia by covering it up and reassigning the offenders to other parishes, sometimes in different countries.

You can call it coincidence if it happens in one or two United States but when it happens in many states in many countries, it's no longer a coincidence.  When there is evidence of a cover up and proof that the church repeatedly moved pedophile priests around to offend in new places, the church has a legal problem (not to mention a moral one).  And don't get me started on the Boy Scouts.

A psychologist I know provided the best insight into this problem: when you take a group of people and put them in a situation where they have to ignore a basic human instinct, you have a problem like this.  Others have suggested that priesthood is a calling for pedophiles in the first place.

I have previously called for the United States to prosecute the church under the RICO statutes.  RICO refers to racketeering and was used initially against organized crime.  Then our good friends in government started to apply it outside of the mafia, especially when they discovered Asset Forfeiture.

A legal source said that while it is possible to bring a RICO case against the church, no one would dare do it because the political ramifications would be dire.  It's sad but I get it.

Perhaps the UN or a similar body could make itself useful and bring the church up on charges in front of the whole world.   There is no doubt of their guilt but they should have a fair trial.



NOTE: Many of my friends are Catholic.  I have no problem with them or their faith.  My issue is with their headquarters.

Questions - We Have Questions

Does Down Syndrome affect black people?

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Don't you think that, sometime before Beaver College changed their name to Arcadia, the cub scouts would rename the Weblos?

Funny story, that.  

For some reason, I found myself in the cub scouts.  And I was apparently a Weblo, which was pretty funny even then.  I don't remember getting much from the experience but there I was.

One day they decided they were going to clean up the trash in the woods by my house.  The area was used largely for drinking and partying by older kids and was an unholy mess.  Along came the Appointed Morning, Saturday, and my alarm was going off at eight a.m.  

I found myself at an existential crossroads at that moment.  But like a bolt of lightning, it hit me: I was not an altruist (in its most pure form).  If I had bothered to drag myself out of bed and assist in the cleanup, the entire area would be dirty again within weeks.  This wasn't what I wanted to do with my free time, especially the free time I spent sleeping on weekends.  I promptly phoned in my resignation from the `Blos'.

Now for the irony:

I work for a social services non-profit.  One would be correct to inquire as to how my lack of altruism found me working at this sort of place.  Most people work there due to their beliefs or altruism.  Don't tell anyone but I work there because they accepted my resume when I needed a job.

One of the activities my socially-minded workplace engages in is cleaning up the crack park on Martin Luther King day.  And the following year, to celebrate, they go out and clean the crack park again.

I did not know Dr. King.  I didn't spend a lot of time reading up on the gentleman.  But I believe I know enough to understand that he was for education and lifting one's self up, not cleaning up drug paraphernalia year after year.

Needless to say, I do not volunteer for the effort.

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Say lefty - is exercise as bad for you as you always say?

For some, exercise may INCREASE heart attack risk.

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So why does radio suck these days?

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A present: Sofia Vergara spot.

For my birthday, I simply asked for Mila Kunis or Sofia Vergara.  I ask for so little - and that's precisely what I got.

Wives typically don't have a very good sense of humor (except mine: she married me).