Service Elephant go Washy Washy

Your love is like   finger sandwiches, with real fingers

Pharmaceutical drugs are polluting rivers worldwide, study warns

On the positive side, we have some of the most well-adjusted fish in the world 

Today I identify as  a set of 5 year old transgender triplets

Something happened and we were allowed out of the house. No snow, no small explosions, no deaths in the family. We came back to the house and the dog was watching Walker, Texas Ranger. Between you and me, I don't think she was watching it. I think it's Mrs. lefty, "leaving the tv on for the dog." I'm sure the dog would rather she leave the oven on with a pizza cooking. One of those all meat pizzas - no crust.

Walker has a pretty good rug.  So anyway, they're in the back of a small Learjet, when out of nowhere, something that looks like a WWII Messerschmitt(?) pops out of nowhere and starts strafing the Lear. The Lear now has 50+ holes in it and is still flying. The only damage is to the front of the plane, meaning the pilot and copilot, who are occupying their seats, bereft of life. Naturally, Walker can fly a plane, because we can all fly planes when the pilot takes a few bullets in the head. After a number of strafings, the fuq5rrel tank gets hit. There is fire. Walker (and his rug) decide to land in the river. Poof - he puts it down like Sully. Oops. It doesn't work that way, unless you're Sully. It woulda broken apart real nice. I know this from watching 20 seasons of Airport Crash Investigation. I can fly planes AND tell you why they crashed. Spoiler: Chuck, girlfriend(?), and rug all made it out safely. I apologized to the dog and muted the tv, so I could type this missive.

We visited our favorite upscale restaurant (Waffle House) for breakfast. There are NO Waffle Houses anywhere near the Philly area. You have to drive at least an hour to find one, making us very silly people (because you didn't know that already). It turned out to be a bit of a mistake because I had a small headache and the place sounded like they were slamming large stacks of dishes, all through the meal. I can't complain about the chocolate chip waffle, though.

On the way back, we stopped at their local Mart, until recently, the only place in the country you could still smoke in, while shopping. Apparently they replaced cancer sticks with dogs; we saw a lot of them. The world would be better if dogs were allowed everywhere. Anyway, this Mart used to be full of people whose eyes spent their time looking at each other. They graduated(?) and now it's full of people with green, blue, and hot pink hair. I can't tell you what the mean number of colored-hair people per mall is, but they were way over.  It is an unusual time when *I* look like the straight, uptight, suit and tie worker, by comparison.

I got dragged into some sort of natural store, with 7 shelves of 'local' honey. I asked Wife if their local honey was better than our local honey, an hour away. She attempted to explain, then I attempted to explain 'rhetorical' or 'joke'. But if I needed honey and went by myself, I would have been in Deep Doo-Doo. In this store, you do not buy honey, no sir. You buy different varieties of honey. As a man and a man who puts honey in tea twice a year, this was daunting. There was clover, wildflower, and buckwheat honey. There was blueberry, ketchup, and Brussels sprouts honey. I'd have to ask the lady where the honey was, then explain to her that I'd like the honey I'd buy in a supermarket. This would go into the rather large and growing Failure Pile. Fortunately, Wife knew exactly what she needed. 'Needed.'

Another store had military surplus. I had no idea why, but I had to see everything in the store. My favorite was the grenade pouches. I didn't buy any, because it turned out they didn't come with grenades. The same problem arose with the M-16 cleaning kit. They did have some fine Lithuanian army underwear, just not in my size.

It has just hit the shelves: the Mothers Live at the Fillmore '71 three cd box set, with extras, including the night John and Yoko joined them onstage. I had no choice - the money jumped out of my wallet before I could stop it. Review to follow.

We were pleasantly surprised to win a prize for the only people with their natural hair color. Unfortunately the prize was a carton of cigarettes. Generic cigarettes.

It's really nice when the universe lets us out.

lefty Law states one cannot pass a Dairy Queen without visiting. On the way in, Mrs. lefty says the next car over is pretty nice, and discovers it's a Tesla. "STAND BACK!" I said. "You never know when it will spontaneously combust." The only way it would have been better is if the owner was around.

Know what's mind-bending?

My nephew just hit legal age.

We were there the night he was born.

The other night, we saw our latin american friends, with their dog. I asked if the dog was bilingual, and they said she absolutely is - she understands Spanish and English. Especially if food is involved.

 

Woman Sues Over Delivery of Chocolate Penis With 'No Redeeming Qualities'

Sounds a bit subjective to me. Who decides what redeeming qualities of a penis are? I know a ton of women who would think it's quite redeeming, and a ton more who would simply get the joke. 

Let's take a moment to be really sad for her husband.

Flying AIDS News

What do we mean by ‘COVID-19 changes your brain’?

7 in 10 long COVID patients still battle memory and concentration problems

Why some Americans haven't gotten COVID yet and why it's not inevitable they ever will: Experts

Ivermectin Didn’t Reduce Covid-19 Hospitalizations in Largest Trial to Date

Please stop putting COVID-19 test solution in your eyes and nose, FDA says

Murky case for fourth doses now with FDA as protection wanes, BA.2 looms

Omicron vs Zero-Covid: How long can China hold on?

Tesla (Flying) News

We love us some Tesla. They could have their own blog, full of weekly entertainment stories. To be fair, this has nothing to do with Tesla flaws, unless you needed to prove it can't fly.

This week it's the guy in Los Angeles, whose parked car sustained damage, because someone rented a Tesla and sent it airborne. Video has apparently gone viral. I hope the Tesla renter had insurance. It seems Mr. Subaru didn't and has a GoFundMe (post GoFsckMe). There is a hunt to find the airborne driver. The hunt was very difficult, as the driver had already posted it on TikTok. I guess TikTok is the new Faceyspaces. What kind of education was missed, causing people to commit crimes and put video of them online? Brain aberration? Are we going to have to add this to the first grade curriculum? Maybe after do not steal.

The hunt for Nigerians who can change into cats

As if the Nigerians weren't bad enough, with their scamming, apparently many believe they can turn into cats. Bad juju. Maybe we should stop laughing at the Catholics. MeanI addedwhile, people are looking for others who can allegedly do this.

As it turns out, research shows Nigerians aren't the only ones with strange beliefs:

• Botswanans believe they can turn into the Dodo, which is good, as they're extinct
• Kiribatis believe they can turn into Elon Musk
• Slovakians believe they can turn into anything that isn't Slovenians
• Micronesians believe they can turn into Macronesians - the jury is still out
• North Macedonians believe they can turn into South Macedonians (studies show there is no South Macedonia)
• Guineans want you to know they can't turn into the pigs
• Kyrgyzstanians believe they can turn into something spellable
• Nigerans believe they can turn into anything that isn't spelled that way, for obvious reasons

How Oil and Gasoline Prices Actually Work

We're well over $4, California over $5.

Epson payments snafu leaves subscribers unable to print

Internet of Things Strikes Again

The moment you have to connect your device (printer, game box, fridge) to the net, something bad is going to happen.

So you have a nuclear power plant.

So there's a bit of a problem in your country.

So there's a shortage of nuclear power plant workers.

After about 600 Hours, 64 Workers at Ukraine's Chernobyl Nuclear Plant Finally Relieved

Worker1: Hey, is that a fuel rod over there?

Worker2: Nah, that's Bugs Bunny

Worker1: Are we being paid to operate Bugs Bunny? I forget.

Worker2: I think we're supposed to do stuff to make sure there's no Chernobyl

Worker3: How can we do that with the trains running through the control room?

Worker1: Those are not trains - they're bears escaped from zoo

Worker3: What do the dials say?

Worker1: They're singing Hendrix tunes. How do you think I'm staying awake?

Worker4: They say after 48 hours without sleep, you start to hallucinate

Worker1: Never happen. Not here. Were trained nuclear plant operators.

Worker2: Yeah, plus we could use that coffee to power the plant, instead of the fuel rods

Worker3: Hey, there are tanks out there. They look like ours. I don't generally hallucinate military stuff

Worker2: That's not a hallucination - they're bringing in replacements!!!

Worker1: No they're not - that's Mr. Freeze, The Riddler, and the Joker - all sworn enemies of Batman.

Worker3: Isn't he The Batman now? Where's Robin?

Worker2: Home - he's sore from too much sliding down the Batpole.

All: Ewwwwwwww 

Worker1: Wait - I think I see Batwoman

Worker3: Which one?

Worker1: Too far to tell; I hope it's Julie Newmar. Shall we let them in?

Worker3: What if she's only dressed like Batwoman and is evil?

Worker2: We can't afford to let them in. Too much danger. Are you crazy?

Worker1: Do you know we've been here 600 hours?

All:  UNLOCK THE DOORS

Laptop Hinges That Heal

Black Lives Matter.

Click here to see what ThermionicEmissions is doing for black people.

We would like to acknowledge the first responders, at the convenience stores, at Dunkin Donuts, and Dairy Queen.

Ok, now that we have that out of the way......

Today's Irony News:
Mexico closes border to US due to Flying AIDS fears

I pretended all was well and ran some errands today.
The construction guys tearing up the street... no, what I mean is the guys who leave the Caterpillars and construction signs want us to know they're aware of the Flying AIDS and have put precautions in place: there's a sign that says Covid 19 precautions in effect. It doesn't appear they're doing anything anyway and we can't imagine what kind of precautions are necessary for heavy equipment, but we play along at home.


Nothing has changed at Dairy Queen: you still have to wear a mask and only 2 people are allowed in the store at one time. This results in a small city developing at their door, hungrily waiting for an ice cream product. It also results in me not stopping there, as I have the patience of a pregnant gnat. Years from now, these people will still be there.. the Soft Serve Zombies.


The most horrid thing caused by the Flying AIDS is that nude beaches feature no clothes, but you have to wear a mask. On your face.


Human sitcom Governor Gavin Newsom (R-Uranus) ordered all California wineries closed. Except his.



Never mind the Flying AIDS, Australia has a flesh eating bacteria problem. If you catch both, you could wind up on a respirator without any skin. Now shut up and go have lunch.

Waaaaay back before the bean counters started running things, you could get a good job and count on being there for life. You had a pension, steady work, and maybe even a Coke machine. 

Not anymore.

Especially the Coke machine.

What did a steady job get you?

Funny you should ask...  in the 1895's (1950's for the non-dyslexic), Leo Fender started making guitars. To give you an idea of how successful he was, you won't see a group onstage these days without a Fender guitar or amplifier. Jimi Hendrix played a Fender Stratocaster (yeah, me too). But this isn't about Leo, Jimi, or even me... this is about a little-known member of the Fender assembly line, Abigail Ybarra.

Abigail Ybarra was with Fender early on, winding pickups (those things under the strings, that use a coil of wire). Guitar players are weird on a good day; it goes downhill from there. A famous artist, or better, a famous deceased artist, obviously has something to show all guitar players, the world over.... it's just a matter of what it is. Jimi had Marshall amps. Eric Johnson has a pedal called the Fuzz Face (as did Jimi). Stevie Ray Vaughan had a pedal called the Tube Screamer, which caused a cheap box to go to $300 to start. Like I said - weird.

When dating a Fender guitar, you do not take her to a Mexican restaurant. You open her up and look for signs of the date she was made. There are also identifying initials.  People noticed the AY initials coming up a lot around pickups, so they got excited because they had Abigail Ybarra-wound pickups. Because of this, there is now an official Abigail Ybarra set of pickups you can order from Fender. She's well-known in the lunatic Fender fringe. She's famous simply for doing her job. And now one can buy Abigail Ybarra-wound pickups.

What have we learned?

1. It paid to have a job for life.
2. guitar players are waaaay out there on the stupid suspicious scale

All of my dogs have had... weird... somewhat human... talents.
Penny is a dog. And that's apparently where it stops.
I tell you this as she sits next to me, with her latest toy: a dish sponge, that she got out of its wrapper.

Today I'm reviewing Microsoft Teams.

After a considerable amount of time with it, my review is thus:

Don't.

Well, sure it works. It's solid and doesn't crash much. But the design team was off that week, so anybody who could hold a crayon was in charge. It's done in early You Can't Get There from Here style. The most notable feature is the audio/video settings. Naturally I keep the mic and camera OFF.  Microsoft supports people like me by not remembering audio/video settings. I have to turn them both off every time I use the program. Ah, Microsoft, your quirks are why I love you.  (and why I use linux)

Captivity - Day 80 lefty Lives Matter

You'd have to be dead to miss all the protesting lately. Some agree, some disagree, some throw acid, and some just don't understand. We didn't understand, until yesterday, when we started lefty Lives Matter.

You think it will never happen to you.
Until it does.
Then you get an appreciation for the struggles of others.

It was a nice day - there were no clouds or any obstructions. No demonstrating.
As on all good days, there was a trip to Dairy Queen to procure a malt and banana split (sometimes only a split, because dogs don't like bananas).

Out of nowhere, a police car comes ROARING around Mrs lefty, causing her to brake. Officer Zoom waved 'oops' and flew down the street. And everything that came from Dairy Queen was all over the car.

This was only because I'm left handed - don't tell me otherwise.
This is an insult to anyone who doesn't use their right hand. An insult to Dairy Queen and all other ice-cream-like stores. An insult to us all, as citizens of the Earth. And, according to Al Sharpton, an insult to black people.

There will be demonstrations.
Demands for reparations.
Huge cleaning bills.
Looting of stores that don't carry things for lefties.
Throwing right handed legislators off bridges.
A huge contingent of right handers marching with us  (Right Guilt)
People who identify as lefties.
Police will have to take Dexter Sensitivity Training. Colleges will offer them.
A special contingent of the Lactose Intolerant, marching in solidarity (sorta).
In protest, all major sports will Take A Straw before the game (in their left hand)
Any member of the press who questions the movement will have to apologize.
The street will be closed down as a permanent memory of the injury and reminder of systemic left-ism.
A clear distinction between the left handed and the political left
Don't give me that crap about them not knowing I was left handed, even though I wasn't in the car

Upside Down World

In an effort to mend fences with the black community in Minneapolis, police were caught on tape slashing tires at a protest.

[Kentucky governor] Beshear says state will put resources into making sure all black residents have health insurance.

It's not like I haven't been saying this.....

Just let me know, through the Comments, when I've been locked up too long.

Captivity - Day 58 Frank - here's your house back

I'm not stupid, but I can do a reasonably good impression, but there are 2 things for which I have to call in the Marines (better known as Mrs lefty). The first is cereal. As a kid, none of us had a problem getting the boxes open, even to the point of taking the treat out before our siblings got it.  We never failed (except for the only children, who got everything they wanted all the time anyway).

The long and short of it is that I open the box - no problem - I open the plastic - no problem - and I pour in in the bowel - problem. If my quantum physics class
finds about this, I'll be the laughingstock of Bob's Basement School of Quantum Physics, plus they won't let me wear the propeller hat for 2 weeks.

Determined to find the solution, I apply brains (hopefully not my own) to the problem. I get either nothing or everything. I tried a very long, very sharp knife, which succeeded in opening the plastic enclosure all the way across. Nothing. I tried pouring with shaking. No luck. I tried jumping up and down. Only a warning from Mrs lefty. Using what was left of my gray matter I finally figured it out: the cereal companies found out they could save $0.004 per box by not gluing the plastic to it. Unless I have the terminal mesh and talc causes cancer lawyers, I will never get the plastic glued to the box.

I know you're bored. Most of the world is bored.
Even the aliens are bored. The secret is that they know what we're up to and the loser had to keep an eye on us before we blow up the neighborhood. We're a danger to most universes.

One thing you can do when your bored is watch the commercial for My Pillow and try to imitate his very silly Minnesota accent.

In addition to my Very Large Problem with getting cereal out of the box, there is one that's even larger, because everybody can see it: putting bags into bags. Although it's possible I was bitten by a bag when I was little, the doctors don't think so. Mrs lefty gives me a small bag and instructs me to put it in the larger trash bag. This is where things start to get ugly. If there are guests, I start to sweat. I hear the voices of my ancestors, laughing and pointing, saying what a dumkopf he is, look at him!. In spite of this positive reinforcement, I put on my Brave Face and have a go at it. Naturally I fail, which is when the laughter starts. I try again: the end of one bag won't go inside the end of the other bag, even though it's 4x as large. Even Mrs lefty laughs at me, while taking the bag back and easily putting it in the larger bag, while I watch, as if it were magic.

The doctors are not concerned about the dream where I wake up with no clothes, addressing Congress.... this is the one they want to discuss...



There's a tv show featuring collectors, with different collections. Today's is a Star Wars collection. The pretty lady next to the collector is not his SO - it's his mom. Mom has bought him all sorts of collector's pieces. He even has a eral-life Spock figure. Little Stanley obviously needs a job. Mom needs to get little Stanley a hooker. Can you say enabler? Little Stanley probably can. He has a billboard. A billboard.


I was out of my mind (further) because Dairy Queen closed early. All I wanted was a malt. Judging by the 32 person socially-distanced line, I wasn't the only one.

If There's a Bustle in Your Hedgerow, See a Doctor

Malware found in android app CamScanner, with 100+ million users.



Boris Johnson (R-Blighty) asked the Queen to make a speech and shut down Parliament for a while, to keep Brexit plans in-place. Johnson says this has nothing to do with Brexit; there is important legislation to work on - more laws to hold up, more fighting to do, and more pressure on Parliament to have ridiculous haircuts (and new, taller hats). Asked for comment, the Queen said, "Huh? Are you talking to us?"

Scotland's representative said this is the action of a despot. She said a few other things, but nobody could understand them.

Critics have said this is a Constitutional Outrage, Absolutely Wrong, We Cannot Have This Sort of Thing, and some of them went so fas as to be Highly Miffed. They said Trump Johnson should be thrown out, possibly even for the weekend.

Things are so similar between the UK and US, when a member of Parliament is sick, they call Nancy Pelosi to have her send over a congressman.



Life is sweet, you get cancer and die.

RIP Eddie Money (Eddie Mahoney- 70). Guy gets a horrid reality show, revives his career, then finds out he has stage 4 esophageal cancer. He passed peacefully. Condolences to his family.

• It's not that I've been married for a long time, but when I see an attractive lady, I say, "Boy, could I make her life miserable."

Dear lefty

• Why are you so crusty all the time?
• Why do you ask me questions all the time?

10 best sites to download free ebooks.

• Be prepared - September is National Preparedness Month.
• In the Old Days<tm>, schools had nuclear bomb drills, then fire drills. Now it's cybersecurity drills. During the exercise, they simulate Faceyspaces being down. That stopped after the first time, when students passed out and developed PTSD. Parents sued school districts for cruelty. Faceyspaces also sued, but you're not allowed to see the paperwork because they believe in privacy.

• Dairy Queen has confirmed that their burgers are not made with human meat.   That's outrageous - who goes to Dairy Queen for burgers?

I love my coworkers.

One just texted me.

Her: Hi.

Me: I'm not here today. Hi.

  --> 2 minutes of total silence

Her: really?

Me: I can't say. Need to know only.

  --> more silence

Her: haha. Anyway, I have an issue.

Me: see a specialist.

Her: ha ha, can you help me or do it for me?

Me: No.

Her: lol

2 hours later....

Her: now that you've done the work and emailed it to me, how do I save the file you emailed?

Me: Call Microsoft and ask to speak to an Outlook Specialist.

1 hour later

Her: can I show you my screen?

Me: why?

Her: well this is what I get.

Me: yes, I know. You told me and I sent you the file.

Her: but I need you to send me the file.

Me: I already sent you the file.

Her: Oh, I didn't see it.

Me: [remembering] They already warned me about killing coworkers.

I love my coworkers.

I suspect another one of them uses their 8 hours to work a second job.

• With the second weather-related state of emergency being declared in Puerto Rico, it occurs to me that Puerto Rico was a bad investment.

No thanks, I'd rather run over some nuns while drunk (me AND the nuns)

My father had a stroke or three.

I am typing this because you should know that people don't always hold up a sign saying I'M HAVING A STROKE. He just looked bad for a bit. We only noticed one side of his mouth droop and rushed him to the hospital. Fortunately he's a stubborn guy, like his son, and will eventually be ok. Tons of tests, watching for swallowing difficulties, and more tests. He walked into the emergency room, which says something. The other night, his advice for me was not to get sick. I will take him up on that immediately.

Watch carefully, ok? If someone looks bad, get them to their doctor quickly. If they look really bad, get them to the emergency room. The local hospital has a wonderful, kind staff; many of whom are very attractive. This is an important thing to watch for in hospitals.

The best thing I've seen so far: my mom waking my dad to ask if he's comfortable.

This is a 100% non-partisan post:
Why does every picture of AOC look like this?

She looks very unhappy. She is not an unattractive woman - if she smiles... does she smile?

Heroes of the Stupid

An Oklahoma woman forced kids to eat dog feces. She somehow avoided jail, perhaps because the judge enjoys some nice feces now and then.

A woman who stabbed her boyfriend 39 times during a sex game has been freed from prison. This must be what they call Rough Sex.

SJW Attacks

A Sydney, Australia, university will lower the engineering entry bar for females as a part of a plan to get more women into the field.  Do you want to live in a building designed by affirmative action engineers?