My Ear Hair Hurts

Remember: cake is merely a delivery system for the icing. Cut out the middleman and just eat icing. You can buy it in a can or make it yourself. Grab a spoon and dig in.


Your love is like  an icepick to the kidney


I don't know about you, but if I lived in Indiana and anyone called me a hoosier, I'd run them over with a chainsaw.



Dear lefty

• Why do you have a mock advice column in your blog?
• Why are your questions always so stupid?

I just spent over 30 highly unsatisfying minutes with my best friend, Windows 10.
These were 30 minutes I wasn't in work, because the computer didn't want to connect to work. Then the 20 minute reboot, then the DNS-blindness, then the refusal to 'see' hardware that it saw perfectly 20 minutes ago, then another reboot. When it finally came up, Outlook once again came up full screen, even though I never use it full screen and have tried many suggestions on how to fix it. I'd replace the box with linux, but I'd have to get a signed note from God himself before my boss would consider it.

Windows: it's not an operating system, it's a virus.



Flying AIDS news

Headline: Everywhere
It's bad. It's going to get worse, unless you follow rules or get a shot or...
This will be the worst [insert period of time] ever.

There is a humongous list of things we may not do because of the Flying AIDS, yet children should go back to school. What's wrong with this picture?

Florida, never gone from the news long, reports that Chinese masks are showing up at many addresses, unsolicited. I guess the Chinese got bored of sending packets of seeds. Odd people, those Chinese. What does this say about Chinese Floridians?

The head of the Department of Natural Resources is telling employees to wear face masks on teleconferences — even when they’re not around others and at no risk of spreading the coronavirus.  Mrs lefty says, "Well, they're certainly drinking the Kool Aid."  In unrelated news, the Department of Natural Resources told its employees to wear condoms 24 hours per day, whether or not they're getting laid.

Hey, if you're in the mood to go back to the movies, you can get 15 cent tickets AMC. Hmmm.... 15 cent tickets... chance of Flying AIDS..... let's get a busload to go!

• speaking of teleconferences, please don't use Zoom. Zoom's privacy issues are all over the press, yet people keep using it. If someone asks you to use Zoom, explain to them that it's a real privacy and malware issue. There are alternatives.

Trumpie

• Trump unloads on ‘stone cold crazy’ Pelosi, ‘mad woman’ Kamala, ‘poor student’ AOC
• for all his faults, and there are many, he sure is entertaining sometimes

I joke that if Trump produced peace in the middle east, people would deny it and use it as grounds for impeachment. I'm a little shocked to read that Israel and the United Arab Emirates have reached a peace deal, which Trump helped broker. Good on all parties!  Oddly, the Palestinians are not pleased, referring to it as treason (which is why there will never be total peace in the middle east).

A man killed himself, allegedly because his wife wouldn't have sex with him.
"You can SUE for that?" you say.
This happened in India, where the decedent's mother is suing the wife for "abetment to suicide."
Although the US has the best and most litigious litigators in the tri-galaxy area, even they couldn't get much past failure to consumate.


Hollywood's Biggest Secret
Ok, Hollywood's Second Biggest Secret
It's Ed Begley, Jr.
You've seen him in black and white movies, current movies, older movies, and he Does. Not. Age.

• In Egypt, archaeologists have unearthed hieroglyphs depicting pharaohs with huge headgear, who look suspiciously like Ed Begley, Jr.
• In the Wild West, Ed Begley, Jr's saddles were #1 and his face was etched on the saddle. His motto was "Buy an Ed Begley, Jr saddle and sit on Ed's face!"
• In a recent inspection of a 1917 Ford Model T, there was a picture of Ed in the glove compartment.
• In the rubble of the Twin Towers, there were cases and cases of Ed Begley, Jr brand thermite: "Have a blow up on Ed!"
• Records indicate there was no Ed Begley, Sr.

Did you delete anything on Instagram?
It's supposed to take up 90 days. Turns out it might have kept things for more than a year.  I hate to say this again, but don't post anything online that you wouldn't post in the local library or give to your grandparents. Assume that when you post something, even privately, it's available for public view, or at least view by the employees of the service.



Department of Justice says Yale discriminates against whites and Asians


SJWs Worldwide

India, Jamaica, and Canada are also celebrating Kamala Harris' appointment, largely for the same reasons the democrats are: she's black, female, lived in Canada, and has Indian roots. In other words, India, Jamaica, and Canada are every bit as shallow and dim as America.


LA Times: Camping is often called America's favorite outdoor activity. But camping and national parks have a complicated past when it comes to racial equality and equal access for all. One modern barrier to entry: the cost of camping gear. Yes, camping is racist.

This Death Thing Must Stop

Work is weird.

Of course work is weird - it's work.

The current employer could not be anywhere near as weird as the previous one, but it has its own particular weirditees. Everything requires a process, including getting a computer and desk. Just because the 2437 form was filled out doesn't mean there's a computer or desk waiting: no one knows where the form goes or how the process works - only that most of the time it doesn't. It was decided I had the job at the beginning of December, and my January 2nd start date came and went, with no computer and no desk. It took an additional six weeks for the computer to arrive. I discovered that it wasn't mandatory to do your job here either, when my boss saw things undone and merrily breezed past them, as if this were normal (it was). After a number of years, this still astounds me. If there's one thing the Twilight Zone<tm> taught me, it was to do your job well and communicate progress. This turned out to be laughably unnecessary. I have the problem of all newbies: I do my work and expect the same from others. My coworkers just laugh at me (most people do) and tell me the job will eventually remove my soul so I'll be just like them (shudder). If someone asks for something that can't be done immediately, I communicate progress. They laugh, shake their heads, and say, "Newbie."  I have requests that were made months ago. When I send reminders, they're promptly ignored. My employer is a parody of itself, like Congress.

• A nod to the draconian government of the UK, which just enacted the most sweeping snooping legislation in the entire world. Naturally there was barely a whimper from the Great Unwashed.
• Why do I care - I'm in the US. Because the UK is frequently a staging ground for the US. Rest assured, it's coming. -Ever vigilant.

• I'm passing this along, even though I know my people don't use iDevices. 12 iPhone security tips for iOS 12. I plan to use as many as I can. 
• The world has taken a large step toward security by using HTTPS instead of HTTP to get to websites. In case you doubt the seriousness of this, important, secure businesses like banks use HTTPS. In case you're still not convinced, PornHub uses it too. To use it yourself, install your browser's version of the HTTPS Everywhere extension, which will only allow HTTPS connections unless the site doesn't support it. You won't have to do anything after installation.

Last night we saw one of those drug commercials with a 15 minute list of possible side effects. It was a cancer drug for post-menopausal women. My favorite warning of all time is "don't take this new med if you're allergic to it." If you experience death, call 1-800-LETS-SUE. The other warning was not to give it to anyone if they may be pregnant. I'm not a doctor (although I'm interested in gynecology and specialize in psych disorders), but post-menopausal women don't get pregnant. Even the alleged Immaculate Conception occurred before the lady in question was 40. Speaking of which, how can anybody be part of a religion which refers to 'without sex' as 'immaculate'?

How can anybody take seriously a blog that starts a paragraph with drugs, migrates to the Virgin Mary, then closes with a Christian sex question?

• If you're ever bored, go through the labels list for this blog. I think anybody thinking of reading ThermionicEmissions should look at them. It's a delightfully absurd hodgepodge of words, which will excite or completely put off a prospective reader.

A new study by Yale professor Cydney Dupree suggests that white Americans who hold liberal socio-political views use language that makes them appear less competent in an effort to get along with racial minorities. Yale. Education has also become a parody of itself. Missing is the black outrage because white liberal Americans think they're stupid.

Meanwhile, every department in which I worked had absolutely no trouble interacting with 'minorities.' We were a team full of minorities, including the rarest of them: women. All that matters is that you do your job well; that's where the difficulty interacting came in. We were either way ahead of our time or woefully behind.

• I will never forget the day the hiring manager came into our office and told us he needed to see more faces of color in our department. As he was finishing, he looked directly at me, as if he was expecting a witty retort. For some reason, perhaps naked fear of job-hunting, my mouth stayed shut. Little did I know, this event foreshadowed the profound stupidity that was to follow. WE NEED DIVERSITY! Why, are minorities better at IT? WE NEED DIVERSITY! What about hiring the best person for the job, regardless of anything else? WE NEED DIVERSITY!
• That particular job made me a pretty happy employee, because I could do my job the best way possible and still pull off goofiness in a way I became known for (and accepted!). While on a late night project, the head of HR asked if we'd like a beer. I told her I didn't drink. She looked at me in horror and said, "You mean you're like this without drugs or alcohol?" It was one of my finest moments.
• I discovered one of my coworkers was a cheerleader in high school. She told me not to tell anybody. Naturally I procured pom poms and followed her down the main hallway, shaking them, right past a managerial meeting. She turned red, the managers fell off their chairs, and I smiled. They left me alone because I did my job well.
• Another Red Moment came when I was under a desk, hooking up a computer. Someone at a nearby desk started a rant about Stupid IT never fixing anything. I popped up from under the desk and she turned shades of red her department had never seen. Her coworkers were in hysterics. She apologized at regular intervals.

Whether or not you consider it valid, people line up for Past Life Regression. Let us suspend disbelief and consider it for a bit.... everybody who comes out says they were a famous person in a prior life: Joan of Arc, Pope John Paul XVIIQ - CMM, or Atilla the Hun. If this is true, who picked up the trash? Who cooked the food? Who taught New Yorkers to add an 'r' to random words (brar, sawr)? After studying this for damn near fifteen seconds, I think I have the rhythm of the method. Let me translate:

• I was Napoleon: I was Napoleon Smith, the guy who fetched hyena meat and wiped Napoleon's ass for him
• I was a highly-decorated naval seaman:  I was frightfully, obnoxiously, annoyingly gay and enjoyed seamen
• I was a famous obstetrician: I got a lot of women pregnant
• I was George Washington, the father of our nation: I got a lot of women pregnant
• I was a very early champion of women's rights: I got a lot of women pregnant and insisted on abortions
• I was JFK: I got a lot of women pregnant
• I was Thomas Crapper - inventor of the toilet: I was the guy who cleaned shit out of Rome's sewers
• I was a judge of early French cuisine: I was a vulture that only ate dead things
• I was a health pioneer, celebrated the world over with raised arms: I was a mosquito, carrying malaria

Careful what you wish for department:

Our dogs have always been small furry people. I wondered what it would be like to adopt a dog that was actually a dog. Yes, we got one. She defends the house by standing at the window and barking like a lunatic when someone is on her sidewalk. I watched her 'find' something, then dig a hole in the yard to go after it. I have only seen dogs dig in cartoons. Then I get dragged out when the door opened because there was a bird flying over her yard.

Thinking further, I prefer small furry people.




Things are going nicely in society's rapid descent to the place where the red guy with the horns is in charge. As proof, I submit this page, which describes a child being prepared for sex change surgery. Have I mentioned he's 6 and is in line for chemical castration at 8?

WTF?

Standard Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and know absolutely nothing about gender reassignment. Of course there's a however coming... However (I told you it was coming), it doesn't take a PhD (Piled High and Deep) to figure out that a 6 year old is not legally allowed to and is not capable of making this decision, Then there's another small issue: he hasn't hit puberty yet. If the mother child decided to become an alcoholic, would this be ok?

Here is where it truly devolves to Peak Stupid:

• Mom has changed his name to Luna and dresses him in female clothes
• Mom enrolled him in school as a female.
• Mom has support and financial backing
• There is a nasty custody battle
• (non-custodial) Dad, who seems relatively sane, is required to pay for this
• Dad has been accused of abuse for saying his son is male
• The 'debate' is being fought on social and religious issues.

Of course the plea is slanted (it's Dad asking for help), so we can be sure this isn't the full story. But I'm sure the main concept (sex change) is correct.

Fact: children under a certain age (16-18?) cannot have nose jobs for cosmetic reasons.

Announcement: today I identify as a 6 year old and demand to be treated as such. I'm enrolling in first grade and will sue if I am age-bullied. Hopefully I will not be the tallest kid in class - that's hard on kids. Since I'm so socially awkward, I won't bother the girls (or the boys, probably). Class Clown status is virtually assured, like the last time I was 6. If they give me a Chromebook, the class will get a presentation on security. If they give me a Macbook, I will spend the rest of the week in the principal's office. Ah, good times....

• Have you noticed the commercials for the products called "That's What I Call Music"? Inevitably it's not.

As Captain Picard Kirk said, or one of those other captains, "Keep your friends' genitals.." no.. wait.. "Keep your friends close, keep your enemies in France." No, that wasn't it either. France... maybe it was Napoleon. Remember the good old days, when people with certain disorders thought they were Napoleon? You don't see many Napoleons these days. Is this a good thing? Not if you wear your socks on your ears it isn't.

Pithy emissions aside, the last few days have been rough and I felt a strange compulsion (different from my other strange compulsions) to say something (not again), as if saying something is going to make a difference. No, they haven't changed the medicine again.

A superstitious relative says death happens in threes.

[Rod Serling voice] A perfectly ordinary couple, going about their lives.

His mother goes into the hospital and passes in short order.

Immediately after the funeral, they got a call and drove three hours to say goodbye to her father. A few days prior they went to visit their neighbor, with end stage cancer, to say goodbye. He died several hours after they left. While putting together the shiva/wake for his mother, she received news that her father died.

If this were us, I'd start calling us the Angels of Death. People could pay us not to visit their loved ones. Or to visit their loved ones, depending on how they felt about them.

How sadly lucky these people were, to be able to say goodbye. 

If they didn't get the chance, it would haunt them (sorry) for the rest of their lives. The message here is to value what you have. To never be in a position where you'll regret what you said or didn't say. Don't let friends and family be ignorant of your feelings for them. Before you leave mad, ask yourself how you'd feel if that was the last time you spoke to them.  Remember the Big Picture. The only nice thing I can relate is the couple visiting their terminal neighbor brought him joy, possibly the last joy he experienced.

Say what you will, but we treasured each day with Marshall. When he left, we weren't burdened with 'we could have done better'. Unfortunately this doesn't stop grief - it just doesn't add to it. (he's talking about his dead dog again...)

We knew one of the three people well. We had the pleasure of meeting another, with whom I shared a hobby. One passing is more than enough.... three caused a serious ripple in reality. For the couple mentioned above... can you imagine? The only comfort seemed to be friends and loved ones showing up.

We have a lot of thinking to do. Maybe you do too. Maybe you already did. 

Care to tell people what you came up with?

• Coming up next on ThermionicEmissions Television: Things I have pulled out of my foot.

Smuggling Produce

There are prohibitions on taking produce from one state to the other. This also happens from country to country. It makes perfect sense; one invasive species could do untold damage to the local ecosystem. Did you know that California salami carries the risk of foot in mouth disease. Whenever I speak, I run the risk of foot in mouth disease.

A long long time ago, we visited California. My friends gave my wife something we had never seen - a blood orange. Wasn't I surprised when she whipped it out on the plane... I went white and explained the situation to her. Being an ex-Catholic, she was even more guilt-ridden. Fortunately the Fruit Police didn't profile us.

Unfortunately some different police did profile us. My luggage 'went missing' and we were told it would be delivered the next day. Perhaps my dirty clothes looked threatening when they were looking for something to steal in Baggage.

• Somebody did something nasty at the NSA. Strangely enough, this wasn't done inside the NSA, by its employees. There was an event at the gate, resulting in three people being injured, one shot. The NSA was waiting for the FBI to get there. I guess they preferred making a phone call to putting an alert in the FBI's computers while they were 'monitoring' the FBI network.
• Federal officials are trying to figure out what led to the incident. I'm no crime expert, but I'd say it was the vehicle trying to get past the gate.
• The FBI said this is not terrorism. They don't know why it happened, but it isn't terrorism.

A group of scientists at my house have discovered, to no one's surprise, that cockers like Cheese Jax.

This is why you never sit over the wing.

• Songbirds Have Brains Specially Designed to Find Mates for Life. Humans have brains that are uniquely suited to watching reality tv.

NASA (Never A Straight Answer) is going to investigate a 10,000 year old  (East) Indian rock with paintings of what looks like aliens and UFOs.

NASA's finding will be that random environmental forces combined to produce what appears to be drawings, but is just completely random. SETI (Silly  Effort To Investigate) will offer the opinion that this drawing was part of a 10,000 year old comic strip, and wasn't meant to be serious. They checked their records and SETI 10,000 years ago said the same thing.

• Black Panther, the movie opening this week, has split white folks on whether it's ok for white children to wear the Black Panther mask. It could be seen as cultural appropriation.
• In unrelated news, black folks are in a tizzy over whether it's ok for their children to wear Cinderella masks and long hair. It could be seen as cultural appropriation.
• Heaven help us from white people helping us.

Thanks but no thanks: Bill Clinton has been deemed too toxic to campaign in the midterm elections. They offered the Clinton Foundation $10,000 to keep his wife home too.

• Amazon has confirmed that sex toys have been sent to random people and they have no idea how to stop it. I want to know who complained. 
• The technique, known as "verified review hacking," could involve sellers setting up dummy accounts to buy and ship their own products to strangers.
• Amazon has set aside fifty thousand dollars to open a thief school, where potential thieves learn to steal things and send them to their own houses.
• So if Grandma has a new spring in her step, look for the Amazon box.

Google is about to start filtering ads in the Chrome browser.
The initially great-sounding announcement should be looked at, like everything else, with great skepticism. The 'standards' Google is using are somewhat arbitrary, using results from an ad coalition pf which Google is a part. The idea is to get people to turn off their ad blockers, because Google and others make a lot of money from them. Imagine being the 5,000lb gorilla who is able to do this.

How am I going to react?
Same as always: by not using Chrome, which phones home to Google anyway.
From Chrome derivatives: nothing. Keep the damn ad blockers on, regardless.
From any other browser: keep the damn ad blockers on.

• Scientists warn that cleaning products are as bad for you as smoking 20 cigarettes a day.  I'm glad this was discovered and plan to do neither cleaning or smoking, so as to avoid this avenue to cancer.

Faceyspaces made things a little more safe by allowing two factor authentication. In English, this means that you log in with your password, then they send a text to your cell with a code to enter. Two factors are your password  and the code. This makes it more difficult to hijack your account (unless the thief knows your password and has your phone). Unfortunately Faceyspaces is spamming people's phones. They may or may not know this is happening.

Every day is another reason I regret for not using FB.

• So how do those smart speakers work? Check out the link - very interesting information, in case you're curious or purchased one by mistake. 
• This technology is Future Stuff. It's wonderfully helpful. It can save you time and effort. It can control your entire house. If you can deal with the negative sides.

If you use Chrome browser, be aware that Google has decided it's the arbiter of what is and isn't an acceptable ad. It is a member of an ad coalition and will be blocking certain ads to discourage people from using ad-blockers, which cut into Google's profits. 

I don't use Chrome, but there are a number of variants (Iron, Vivaldi, Opera, etc). I recommend running your ad-blocker and there's nothing more to be done. If you're looking for a good crap blocker, install uBlock Origin. This is also available for Firefox, and is lighter than others.

• Everybody's favorite pontiff, Pope John Paul Jones, was hailed as a miracle when he took the gig. Lately, not so much. His calls for change have upset the powers that be in the Church. The fellow he put in charge of financial reform, Cardinal George Pell, had to take an unscheduled break to deal with historical sex offense charges in his native Australia. The commission for the protection of minors contained two abuse survivors, who resigned, stating lack of progress.
• This man has so many people mad at him that he has been offered a secular position in the Trump White House.

I like to think America leads the world in so many things, so it's downright upsetting to see other countries outperforming us. A woman in England was arrested after leaving a nasty note on an ambulance, telling them she didn't care if the whole street collapsed; they needed to move the van because they had no right to be parked there.

This is unacceptable. To find someone so downright rude and entitled outside of the US is unimaginable.

Naturally, since this was England, she was arrested on suspicion of public order offenses. The ambulance company stressed that the arrest included verbal abuse they received, which is "completely unacceptable and must stop" There are unfortunately still a handful of narrow-minded individuals who consider leaving vile abusive notes acceptable."

While the article did mention the necessity for services to perform their duties, they seemed much more upset at the 'vile note'. I love England. If you picked up an illegal knife (longer than 3") and stabbed an entire hospital ward to death, you'd be politely taken into custody. If you stabbed an entire hospital ward to death, then made a statement disparaging Muslims, you'd be thrown the the ground, beaten, and put in jail for life. And yes, I'm exaggerating, ever so slightly.

Toxicity and Privilege Report

• That bastion of top ten thinking, Yale University, now offers a course that teaches students 'counternarratives around whiteness'.  It explores such topics as “white imagination,” “white property” and “white speech.” Follow the link: my words cannot begin to describe the abject silliness of the theme. I think I feel my White Privilege rattling.
• USA Today asks "Are boys 'broken'? Another mass shooting renews the debate on toxic masculinity".  Toxic masculinity? Who thinks this stuff up? Do they sit around in a room coming up with concepts that don't exist and putting them out as serious? Do they get paid? Do you notice that no one would dare say something like this about women?
• If you leave this blog with one thing, besides a headache, remember that sociology is not necessary for understanding; take it for granted that it's bad to be white, toxic to be male, and if you're a white male, you should just be jailed before you do something Really Bad. So if this blog ever stops getting updated, either my wife has killed me and disposed of my body so well that no one will ever find it, or The PC Police have finally hauled me away to prison because I'm not thinking the correct way.

Today's Hot Headline indicates that KFC is facing a shortage of chicken.
Taking it in stride, a spokesman for KFC said it was a good thing they weren't facing a shortage of Chicken-like Substance.

• ThermionicEmissions is proud to announce its first comment to a blog post this year. Never mind that it was spam - it was nice to see it.

Philadelphia has announced it's going to stop Porch Pirates. For those of us un-hip enough to know, Porch Pirates follow delivery trucks around and steal boxes left on porches or steps. Furthermore, Philly will also be stopping bank robberies and illegal gun sales. With legislation. Some might say Philly is an unrealistically optimistic city. Others would say Philly is silly.

Philly will be having a very large suicide march shortly. They did not indicate whether they were trying to stop it or encourage it. The following week, Philly will be holding a dance-in for gun violence.

• For all the women screaming about inequality, here's progress: Sacramento Assemblywoman Cristina Garcia (allegedly) fired an employee for refusing to play "spin the bottle" with her, during a drunken party.  This is the second accusation for Garcia, who is on voluntary, unpaid leave. Never doubt yourself, ladies.. you can do anything a man can do.

Something odd happened today at work. I was waiting for some help from another department and I saw an attractive woman. Not just "work hot", she was pretty. This is a once a year (or more) occurrence. Someone told me about minority hires and here was the proof. Apparently we need to hire one attractive person for the entire corporation or hundreds of very good looking people will mill about, out front, with signs (that have spelling errors).

I figured this must be my lucky day, but it got better: she smiled and said hello.

I smiled and said hello, trying not to spit on her or say anything (more) stupid.

I can talk to almost any woman, just making observations or funny comments. But put an attractive woman in front of me who I might like to get to know better and I become a stuttering fool, with traces of blithering idiot. Fortunately I don't have to do that anymore, or my wife will get very angry.

An employee of this department came in, donned a wide grin, and said good morning to her. Then he saw me... and said hi.

I turned to her and asked if she noticed the difference in greetings. Like most people, she had no idea what I was talking about.

I explained, she laughed, and that was the extent of our interaction. 

I give it three weeks until she gets transferred out of sight.

• George Clooney, tired of adoration and good will, is eyeing a 2020 run for president.
• George believes in gun control and donates to the Southern Poverty Law Center, a terrorist organization. Need we say more?

Due to the current 'opioid crisis', officials are turning to acupuncture for chronic  pain. Many insurances would not cover acupuncture as of a few years ago. Oh, the irony. You better watch out - the insurers might cover chiropractic soon...

• Today's Best Headline: UberEATS driver charged with killing customer. Behold the new era of dog eat dog customer service. Sometimes it's a game to see who kills whom first. Extra points for eating the body.

The Louisville men's basketball team has to give up its 2013 national championship. All this because of allegations that a former staff member arranged for strippers and hookers at their dormitory. I don't know much about sports, but I do know you need to keep morale high. And what better way to keep morale up, so to speak, than strippers and hookers? This is patently unfair to the good men of the team. The results obviously showed, as they won the championship.  Coaches, recruiters, and professional teams should take notice of this finding.

• "Kill the NRA" sign appears on a billboard.
• Reminds me of a saying: the NRA is the only group that gets blamed for what none of its members do.

Using the Freedom of Information Act, people got hold of all sorts of tapes and documentation of an October 2017 UFO sighting, that launched F-15 fighters to intercept it. The UFO then became invisible to radar. While there is no conclusion and the UFO disappeared, the article is full of information relevant to the event.

This is not only notable for the documentation and process, but that there was any information released at all. Normally when researchers start investigating, the object 'did not appear on radar' and 'there is no documentation because there is no investigation.' I know NOTHING. I see NOTHING.

I again did battle with my arch nemesis: the vacuum. Vacuum tubes are pretty damn fun and they sound good, regardless of the few hundred volts required to operate them. Vacuum cleaners, however, have bedeviled me since I moved into the house.

My mom tells me that when I was little, I went to people's houses to visit and took apart their vacuums. I have no knowledge of this, but my mom isn't quite given to being this creative. I think I was just antisocial before the age of eight and there were no computers to play with.

All this apparently changed recently.
At one time there were two semi-adults with long hair, plus a cat and a dog. This produced enough hair to build several full size Hair Sheep on the carpets. No problem - I'll vacuum.

Nope.
Problem.

I'm not old enough to be a man who grumbles GET OFF MY LAWN and They Sure Don't Make Em Like They Used To (except for cars, which are way too damn small). However, I am forced to, by the performance of vacuums. There's a vague memory of childhood and an ugly blue vacuum that rolled on the floor, with a hose coming out of it. The voices are saying "Electrolux", so they're probably the ones who took apart the vacuums when I was little. You could drag this vacuum behind a car for twelve miles and it would come back into the house (hopefully not by itself) and do the same wonderful job it always had (provided you remembered to change the bag). Everybody had one like this and no one ever had any problems.. they just worked.

Now, as you'd expect, the machines are mostly upright and made out of plastic. They are available at all price points from $99 to $2,000, with Straight Sucking, Wind Tunnel, Cyclone, and Full Blown Tornado picking up options. The joke is on the buyers because none of them work any better than the others. The colors become more attractive as one spends more, plus they're rated in amps. Here's the marketing secret: amps denotes how much electricity the motor pulls from the wall socket. It has absolutely nothing to do with how well the vacuum sucks. One assumes that because the number is larger, the vacuum is better. Although it is possible, this is not the rating that is important.

So we bought a middle of the road vacuum. Which worked for two weeks, then choked. At this point, you have no choice but to become an expert in taking apart vacuums, diagnosing, and fixing them. Or buying a new one every few months.

The next few were cheap, and worked just as well as the others, sometimes better. Then caught fire and tried to burn the house down. One trembled and disintegrated. One tried to electrocute the cat. And all of them kept choking on hair. After a quick hair removal, I noticed huge grooves in the bar, for the hair to fall into and collect, until it failed to operate. Ever the helpful little bastard, I called the vacuum company and suggested they make the grooves much more narrow, so the hair wouldn't be tempted to collect. The lady thanked me and said she'd pass it on to the engineers. Unbeknownst to me, she did pass it on to the engineers, who had a wild party, with booze and hookers, and read all the stupid suggestions sent in by poor schmucks users of the vacuums. As one would expect, mine got the most laughter, and was second only to the suggestion that they design the vacuums to last more than a few months. Even the hookers laughed at that one.

Then there's the Oreck, featured in commercials, holding up a bowling ball. We purchased one, overjoyed by the bowling ball trick, knowing it would help us in this very difficult and solemn task. I turned it on, it ate up some pantyhose, and immediately broke. So much for Oreck.

I'm not disparaging all vacuums. Our current unit is a Shark. Or Badger. Or Cyclone. Or something. I must admit that this vacuum has held together frighteningly well. It would have to, as it has to pick up tons of debris and hair, plus survive becoming airborne when it pisses me off. Which is does often.

It really picks things up; the hallmark of a good vacuum. Or any vacuum, really. It's easy to empty, requires no bag, and hasn't met a pair of pantyhose yet that it didn't like. Except it chokes. Then I spend the next fifteen minutes on my knees, with a scalpel or boxcutters, freeing the beater from the hair, dirt, and small cars it has sucked up.

My wife is having none of this and blames it all on me. Of course, this could apply to anything in the house (or out of the house). She doesn't say YOU, but I know who she's talking to, when she gets mad and says no vacuum in the WORLD will pick up the mess from only vacuuming once a month. I resent this, as I vacuum every other month. Then she tells me one cannot simply vacuum, one must rake. My head is turning around like John Cleese in Fawlty Towers, looking for some sign of intelligence in a dark tunnel.

Wife pulls out this device I have never seen before in my life. It looks like a really beefy windshield wiper blade, but shorter and more businesslike. She proceeds to 'rake', picking up small bundles of gunk that frighten the cat because they're bigger than he is. Apparently I am supposed to go around the house, on my knees, raking the carpet before I vacuum.

I have to draw the line somewhere, and this looks like a really good place for it.

No.

I will not use two devices to clean rugs. God, or Charles Manson, gave us the vacuum to clean carpets completely, not requiring pre-treatment, like a rug shampooer.

The other day, the vacuum decided to pull a variation on not working whereby it moved the dirt around, but sucked just enough dirt to make it look like it might be working. I did not like this one bit, as I don't like to have to think on weekends, especially when it involves troubleshooting vacuums. Once again I got out the surgical kit and removed the detritus from the beater, creating a pile of hair I wish I could somehow attach to my head. Once again I resumed vacuuming and the vacuum resumed pushing the dirt around. It had temporarily outsmarted me and was laughing ever so slightly that I couldn't hear it if I didn't listen for it. The vacuum has a light at the bottom to tell you it's ok, or it's clogged, or perhaps I should really leave vacuuming to someone who doesn't have the patience of a very upset five year old. The light was green, which obviously meant something was wrong.

It finally hit me... it was clogged.
This vacuum has a lot of parts. Metal parts, plastic parts, body parts, and hoses. In fact, it has more hoses when taken apart than when assembled. I finally located the clog, forty feet into one hose. Have you ever tried to shine a flashlight through a forty foot hose to see if it's clogged? They go around corners, you know.

I got out my Johnny Home Colonoscopy Kit, which features that long, flexible hose they put up your butt to see if there's any bad stuff there, or just because they enjoy putting flexible hoses up your butt and getting paid large amounts in the process. After locating the clog, I convened a panel to discuss how to remove it, being in the forty foot hose. Pens were out, as were telescoping back scratchers, wombats (I didn't have any), and the cat (he's dead). So I did what every manly man does... I banged it on the floor in a manly way. I didn't have to listen at all to hear the vacuum openly mocking me.

One small rodent later, one end of the clog got loose. This time when I banged it on the floor, more came out. I held it to the light because I like making the same mistake several times. By then, the telescoping back scratcher worked, with the imitation hand on the end grabbing pieces of gunk. Twenty minutes later, the vacuum was completely free of obstructions, including my foot. The resultant mass on the carpet looked roughly like Whoopie Goldberg, only taller and less annoying.

Tired but energized from my first win, I started to vacuum.
And (I want my wife to read this) I did it without a rake, hoe, or shovel. It looks good. So I'll see you in a month or two.

And in the end, all there is to say is, "This vacuum sucks."
Or doesn't.




this entry passed the spellcheck with no hiccups. I wouldn't read it.

The New Wave: Symbolic Protest

The Yale Graduate Student Union is holding a symbolic hunger strike. What's a symbolic hunger strike? Students can leave and get food when they're hungry.  This is likely to take off into a worldwide phenomenon. Personally I'm going to hold a symbolic sleepless protest, where I can go to bed when I'm tired.

• Hacking has taken on a whole new meaning. Somebody got hold of ten episodes of 'Orange is the New Black' and demanded a ransom from Netflix. Netflix refused and the hacker leaked the episodes. Before you ask, I do not have the location.

Australia is the land of animals you never want to see, no handguns, and privacy erosions the likes of which you also never want to see. They have a thrilling and incredibly sad legal framework in which they can get at least the metadata of all phone use, including VPN or encrypted information. Same in the US, actually. Metadata does not reveal what's in the message; it reveals FROM, TO, TIME, which comes in handy in investigations. Happy Day to all.

• Let's talk stats: 
• the majority of traffic came from the US and France
• the top browsers used were Chrome and Firefox
• the top operating systems were Windows and linux
• number of visits.... well... let's say that I appreciate you coming by

Speaking of brain cells, here are four hacks to grow your brain cells.  I'm particularly fond of number four, except where it says it improves cognitive functions in dementia. I'm not going to suggest this to my mother.

• Twas a good day to stay out of Texas today
• Dallas: EMT shot, manhunt happening
• Austin: UT-Austin, 4 stabbed, 1 dead, suspect in custody
• Sensitive College Student: I felt very unsafe when Campus Carry passed. Oops, this was a knife.

Our good friends at Faceyspaces used algorithms to collect data on 6.4 million Australian children under the age of 14, based upon their emotional state for targeted advertising. Leaping to accept responsibility, Faceyspaces says the use of the algorithm was an 'oversight'. There is a reason I refer to FB as the Front Page of the NSA. They got caught here... what else do you think is going on? What other data harvested? Who else marketed to? Please don't make me say I told you so.

• The NSA is ending its controversial warrantless surveillance program. This is spying - I mean surveillance on any communication that references a target outside the country. You believe them, right? They wouldn't lie to us, would they? They're completely above board, aren't they?

The Trump crowd is boycotting Starbucks due to the owner's actions. I boycott Starbucks because it sucks (Peet's for me). Last night we wanted to leave the domicile, as we are wont to do once a month. Barnes&Noble was the decision and they have a Starbucks in house. Since we do enjoy a frappucino now and then and since we went from 50 to 80+ degrees in a few days, this seemed like a good idea.

Well, right up til we sat down.

Almost immediately after we sat in the uncomfortable seats, I heard loud, urgent talking, which morphed into loud, urgent, constant whining. A child of tweenish age was complaining to some adult about her parents not letting her do anything. They sat down and it continued in its loud, urgent tone. At one point the adult told her to lower her voice, bless her, but it went right back up to the Kill Level. It seemed like she had some sort of psych issue and wasn't dealing well with limitations imposed by it. 

I'm trying to read a magazine to glean some information but had great difficulty due to the volume of her aural assault. My first thought was to take the Ironic Approach and go to her table to explain that my A.D.D. prevents me from reading when there is loud noise. Once in a while I manage to moderate myself, yearly, and I'm proud to say this was my effort for 2017. 

I didn't have much time until The Loud Couple appeared at a closer table and had a loud discussion about what kind of drinks were available, loudly questioning some of the flavors. Her loudness was the major irritant but it served to make his volume, and irritant level, that much louder.

Fortunately this calmed down, so Loud Child could become the Lone Irritant.

But not for long.

I heard very loud breathing next to me, as an older fellow, possibly missing a lung, and/or a heavy smoker, started rearranging the table. He pulled it out six inches from its original location, and started placing Stuff and napkins about the table. The breathing was very loud, and went breath, awhhhhhhh, breath, awhhhhh.

Meanwhile the child continued, with brief interruptions from the Loud Couple.

And in back of me, two loud students were flummoxed by the tables not being large enough, using their student brains to come up with pushing two tables together. They must have been engineering students. Mind you, there were two of them, plus a laptop, so with tables for four, I was unable to see an issue. Fortunately the debate raged no further.

I remember wondering if these people were raised in barns, by wolves.  I was taught to be considerate by a considerate mom, so when I go to places like this, I don't use my booming voice. Apparently I'm the only one. The only surprise was why a spontaneous basketball game or small heavy metal concert didn't break out while I was finishing my drink.








I had some killer pictures to upload, just to bring a smile or a frown. Unfortunately, something changed and I can no longer upload graphics or sometimes even log in, from about six browsers. Thanks guys!