NOT THE IMPLANTS!

All is not "Good on ya" in Australia, where a kangaroo jumped on a cycling Australian woman and ruptured her breast implants. This should serve as a warning for women in Australia, women planning to visit Australia, women who bicycle and anyone who exercises (especially in Australia) Also women who demand silicone breast implants, which cause all sorts of problems when ruptured.

• Just in case you're curious about what it's like being a porn star, Samantha Bentley shares... [ooh, ahh, ooh baby...]

A French ship has detected signals likely to have come from the black boxes of the EgyptAir plane that crashed last month.  MH370 working overtime to continue not being found.

• Marilyn Monroe would have been 90 this year. What a GGILF she'd be.

Two countries separated by a common language: In England,the list of the Queen's favo(u)rite songs has been released. This is apparently a Big Thing. Wonder what would happen if Obama's favorite list was released....

• Abba reunited for their first performance in 30 years in Sweden, during a private party, for a one-off event. They have been offered millions in the past but turned it down. Good for us.

ISIS militants have killed a Hindu priest in Bangladesh. They were no doubt worried about his potential for violence.

• In trials now is a blood test to determine if a prescribed medicine for depression is the correct one. I hope this works - it will be a potential lifesaver for depressed people.

The mother of a three-year-old boy who wandered into a gorilla pen will not be charged, prosecuters have said. We must not inconvenience parents who do not parent.

• Good news for Hef: the Playboy mansion has been sold to a neighbor, a private equity boss. The neighbor probably won't hurt either.

Restoration has started on the tomb suspected to have been Jesus'. Should he arrive, he is cordially welcome to stop by this blog for an interview. There is absolutely nothing like having a large audience of nine (on better days) to get your message across.

• The next Harry Potter play is already a success although its script has not been published yet. J.K. Rowling, its author, is drawing parallels with Bruce Springsteen, who can defecate on stage causing his fans to go into spasms of orgasmic glee.

Homosexuality is not a choice. Wearing Crocs is.

Daydream Believer and a Cross-Dressing Queen

What a difference two syllables makes: ISIS received quite a bump in recruitment after a story about a militant who executed his own mother. They thought it said mother-in-law.

• Deaf rappers are taking on the music industry. As opposed to tone deaf?

By the time you read this, Internet Explorer 11 will be the only IE supported by Microsoft. As we all know, Internet Exploder should never be used anyway, but it you must, make sure you're running IE 11. I feel dirty.

• A man who ordered a Kindle received a patient's tumor sample. It's a very understandable mixup but this blog wanted to warn you. Don't order Kindles.

A mountain lion killed in Idaho had a fully formed set of teeth on its forehead. ISIS suspected.

• Volkswagen's CEO says, "We are not crooks," by which he means "We are crooks."

SELFIE BRIGADE

Police in India's Mumbai city identify 15 places where taking selfies "can be dangerous", a week after an 18-year-old drowned while taking a selfie. Never mind drunk driving or chainsaws - pretty soon selfies will be the major cause of death in the world.

Continuing the theme, a Lima, Ohio man was not happy with the mug shot police took of him. Though he is still at large, he sent them a selfie to use instead.

• Crocs has posted a tribute to David Bowie. In case you don't remember, I'm vice president of The Committee to Eradicate Crocs in Our Lifetime. We haven't had much success lately, especially with my own wife.

Somewhere on the net is video of a man stealing a python by putting it down his pants. Who would have thought this could go spectacularly wrong?

• "Koro" or "Penis Panic" is a type of mass hysteria in which men believe their penises are vanishing. Gives new meaning to Don't Panic!

LEGO has been found to be complicit in ISIS torture: captives forced to walk on them. Four of out Five captives prefer beheading.

• Seen on Twitter: Hillary should watch the State of the Union address from a federal prison cell.

Happy birthday to Monty Python's Carol Cleveland (73 or 74, depending on source).

This issue would not be complete without some verified porn facts:

• Over 35% of all Internet downloads are pornographic.
• Scholars at the University of Montreal were unable to study men who do not watch porn because they could not find any.
• Mia Khalifa responded to anonymous threats from fanatic muslims threatening to cut her head off with “long as it’s not my tits. They were expensive.”

Have a seat... I want to say something nice about the president. I just read that during Beau Biden's brain cancer trauma, the VP lamented that they'd have to sell things to cover medical bills. Obama offered money, for which he receives high praise from me. It was then I realzied that the Bidens had Obamacare.

• What was it like in the wild west days of the internet, when there were anonymous sites, where groupies could rate the size and prowess of the rock stars they bedded....

TAX SEASON is coming up. Watch out for fake IRS phishing emails. Also fake Ebay emails. Go to the website instead.

Another one bites the dust. Glenn Frey, 67, of the Eagles, died from complications of intestinal difficulties and several other things. Joe Walsh had better lock himself away for safe keeping. With that in mind, I give the Eagles Farewell Tour.