Pandemic Pancakes - or - Forced Vacation, Day 10-ish

 One or two or several of the holidays are over. I think.

My friend emails, asking if I'd like to meet for brunch.

Well, sure, as long as brunch is after 2:30.

Just because it's after Christmas doesn't mean I started getting up at reasonable hours.

Off we went, to my favorite place, the one with the One True Pizza. And for the first time ever, it was closed. I was so stunned, I couldn't think of a different place to go. My friend opines that Mexican food, as well as Italian food, is made of about three ingredients. The name of the dish changes with the placement of the ingredients. When the cheese is inside, it's a calzone. When it's outside, it's pizza. When the ingredients are just warm, it's a burrito. When they're deep friend, it's an enchalito or something. Do NOT attempt to obtain the real names of these dishes from Taco Bell. Mexicans laugh at us gringos for eating there. They wouldn't feed that stuff to their dog. If you must eat there, obtain a DNA test on the 'meat.' That will probably cure your desire to ever go in there again.

We settled on a place I call "Used to Bees," because it tends to change names ever few years.  Their frozen strawberry margaritas (I told you I drink like a girl) are so potent, if you just smell it, you will singe your nose hairs.

After a long walk, we were seated. The long walk wasn't to the restaurant, or across the parking lot. It was from the front to the back of the place. Perhaps it's because I'm not pretty, I always get seated at the back, or at least out of the line of sight from the front. *I* wouldn't want me up front either, There wasn't another person for many tables. The lighting was specially designed by Stevie Wonder, so you could barely see the menu. My grandfather said restaurants were dark so you couldn't see the food. We couldn't see the menu. It wasn't just us, though... there was an entire restaurant with menus as close to their eyes as possible. It looked like some sort of cult, like Catholics. Half of the people were using their phones' flashlights, the other half using matches. The matches worked better, but the phones didn't set the menus on fire. Most of the menus looked a bit scorched for some reason.

We started drinking early. My friend was perplexed by sugar instead of salt on the rim of the glass. Don't you know - sugar makes everything better. Ordering was difficult because this restaurant delights in making things difficult for their customers. It's Mexican, so they send out a Mexican looking waiter, with an accent, making anything he says impossible to understand. I think I asked for Anthrax in my drink. The thing is, when the waiters go back to the kitchen, they speak perfect English. They spend the next seven minutes high-fiving each other. To make it even funnier, they wear masks. No one has a hope, so this makes it easier for the kitchen when everybody just orders 'a burger.'

We had to sit there until the one drink wore off, so I could drive. Apparently the manager was in a panic, because they were seating people near us. These people were very clever; they brought their own heavy accents with them, to confuse the waiters.

Speaking of reasonable, I just heard a sneeze. I went to say 'bless you' and realized I'm the only one home. Maybe it was the mice.  Although the dog frequently stares at one spot, unmoving. Maybe whatever she stares at sneezed. I'm working on the ability to just say 'mm-hmm' and go on. If I go out tomorrow and return to find the house sitting there, upside down, 5 feet in the air, I'll just say 'mm-hmm' and bring in the groceries.

Maybe it's the remnants of whatever happened last night, while I was asleep.

Before I went to sleep, I read for an hour. Sometimes I read better with background noise, so Wife helped me by snoring the entire time. As I'm getting ready to turn the light out, she looks at me and the book she's been holding up, while asleep, and tells me she's still reading. I play along, thanking her for snoring for the last hour. Since she's a/my wife, she gets agitated, closes the book, and goes downstairs for a few hours, because she obviously wasn't tired. Or snoring.

There is never a shortage of Weird Stuff<tm> happening in the house. I write about it often. Many times it's about supernatural-appearing things. Other times, it's 'cleaning.' Today it was cleaning. I say cleaning because when I awoke, there was not a single spot to sit on any couch or chair. It was like a women's clothing store exploded, coating the house with...  clothes.. There is a difference between an explosion and cleaning: cleaning causes more damage and doesn't get on the guitars. Later today, if she gets up, I'll ask what happened. She'll either tell me 'I dunno' or 'I WAS CLEANING.'  Sometimes I poke the tiger by asking if there's cleaning going on, why does it look way dirtier than before she started cleaning. Tigers, you know, eat people.

Sometimes I avoid the mess by starting up the front end loader and moving a small dump truck worth of stuff to find myself a seat. When she arrives it looks quite comical... rows and hills of clothes, me, more clothes. The bad mornings are when she doesn't see me there. I wait til she finds a seat, say hello, then wait for the terrified SHRIEK because I scared her. It would be so funny, if I didn't always wind up with the hot coffee all over me.

The Christmas presents went over pretty much how I thought they would: the kids loved theirs, and Mrs. I Want Nothing for Christmas decided the gorgeous new ring fit well. I got her one of those car magnets that says 'I love my English Cocker Spaniel.' There are so many words there, that the magnet would either have to be the width of the trunk, or the letters would have to be compressed to read 'I love dm&34n'. Right now it's holding the fridge together, but at least people walking by the fridge know we love our English cocker spaniel.

I got a rock.

But that's not all!  I also got to take out the trash.

Flying AIDS News  

Fauci made a proclamation designed to foment PANIC.

Drug companies said there will have to be more and different shots.

50% of the planet said PBTHLLLLLLLT.

President Taxit said there will be no mandates, as he drew up the paperwork for mandates and played with the new puppy, Rabies. His first dog, Major, took to biting people at the White House. For some reason, this was unpopular. Major was sent off to the Donald Trump School of Charm. Again. Who can blame the poor dog - if you spent time at the White House, you'd bite them too - it's a natural reaction.

Hey Hey We're All Monkeys

Here we are, in week Whatever of the presidential race and I will attempt to explain things to the best of my abilities.

We have:

• Three whould would like to implement a theocracy, including one whose introduction mentioned killing gays.
• One unindicted career criminal.
• One socialist.
• One demagogue, but at least he's not owned by anyone.

We libertarians don't look so crazy, do we?

Want to know how your candidate views cybersecurity? They don't. They're completely incapable of comprehending it. Judging from statements, they would all prefer that governmental agencies have access to your email, phone calls and location.

In Berlin, a car exploded, killing the driver and destroying the car. Police suspect a bomb.  Because cars explode all the time, right?

• Rock keyboard legend Keith Emerson (71) has gone to the great keyboard store in the sky. His death was ruled suicide (possibly due to the gunshot wound). We wish his sigficant other and family well. 
• Depression is a terrible thing: please don't let it go untreated. Sometimes we drink or do drugs to mask the pain... get some help. There are talk and medicinal therapies that help. There may be a community health center if you can't afford a private doc. You can also ask your primary physician.

For some reason I cannot explain, we have a four foot string of bells hanging on the front door. They might have come with the wife but this would have been over twenty years ago (I catch on quickly). The cat, having been 'strongly discouraged' from shredding the furniture when he wants to go out, now rings the bells. Not to be outdone, the dog bangs on his water dish when it needs to be filled. Once again, it's a bitch when your pets are smarter than you.

• People are getting Donald Trump tattoos. Do you think that, at any point in the future, they'll regret it?

A New Mexico man faces charges after chasing two women around a home with a chainsaw. I don't know what they're so upset about - it sounds like a normal evening around here...

• The entire Washington, DC Metro line has shut down for a day for inspection. Let's think critically:
• the system has never been shut down for any reason other than weather
• the mayor was not consulted
• not that anything moves in DC anyway but you don't shut down the entire public transportation system during the day, for a day
• couldn't the system be inspected in the evening, so as to inconvenience fewer commuters?
• I'm not saying aliens, but....
• On the other side, this inspection is to check for an electrical fault that has occurred twice recently.
•    --> When I read a headline like this, I prefer to stop, collect the facts, and hopefully arrive at a decision. It's my version of Critical Thinking. Taking all this into consideration, what do you think?

Meanwhile in Massachusetts, the police entered a bar with the intent of shutting it down, for whatever reason police shut down bars. The DJ must have slipped and played 'F*ck the Police', by N.W.A.(Ninnies Wearing Aardvarks?). As a result, said DJ was charged with disorderly conduct for trying to incite a riot. I suspect this one won't hold up in court, if contested.  In other news, Donald Trump says there will be hell to pay if he isn't elected.

• Last week I took my lunch out of the fridge to take to work, reminding myself that I needed some barbecue sauce. At work, I discovered that I had forgotten the sauce (like you haven't done the same thing). As I took my first bite, the container jumped up in the air and promptly deposited my entire lunch on the floor under my desk. I'm very efficient, so it hit my desk, the floor, and my pants. It turns out peas can roll over six feet in any direction, and that's before falling. Now I have sauce down my pants leg (think Velveeta color) and I'll be picking up peas for the next week.
• I've been under my desk and there are several undiscovered species living there, so the five second rule didn't apply. In the end, all worked out well.. I didn't want to eat it without sauce and I didn't have to. Now shut up and go with that logic because if I think about it any more, I'll be very upset. And hungry.

A recent study finds that Seasonal Affective Disorder does not exist. People who have Seasonal Affective Disorder are reportedly quite confused. In other news, there is no such thing as bipolar disorder - people are just moody.

• A man charged with killing six people in Kalamazoo, MI, says that the Uber app took control of his mind. On the positive side, for $8.95 per mile, he'll shoot the people of your choice too.

After last week's $1,300 Prescription Fiasco, I received a call from my employer. They wanted to know if they could help somehow. Class act, folks.

Work Stories: Quantum Food

One of my colleagues was out of the office for a week for training.  This caused a problem for the rest of us at lunch.  You see, Smedley (almost his real name but not quite) has the rather annoying habit of commenting on lunches that belong to other people.  We have no idea why.

"Hey lefty ... spaghetti today?"

You're mighty observant, Smedley.

Now I don't claim to understand quantum physics but I suspect we have a case here that puts it all in perspective.  Things exist as a wave and/or a particle until observed.

This means that my lunch remains a wave until Smedley comments on it, rendering it a particle.  The problem was noticed while Smedley was out of the office last week.  I posed the question to my coworkers: does my lunch exist without Smedley here to comment on it?  Then what do I eat when my lunch is a wave?

These questions are way above my level.

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Apparently Asia is getting into the coffee business.  This is my guess, based upon the packet of coffee I received with an order recently:

HOGOOD COFFEE

My taste You know