The USPS Delivered All the Packages. Somewhere.

 Your love is like  shoving a Buick up my ass

The USPS tried to throw me a curve ball today, when notification of a long-missing package popped up. Like the last one, they inform me it's going to be late. They can't tell me how late, or even where the package is, but they sent me a notice, so now I apparently feel much better and won't write about it in my widely-read blog and get them in trouble.

The one package has spent literally a month wandering around New York, from where it was mailed. They keep assuring me it has hit Philly, but I'm suspicious, for some reason. Perhaps it will go back to New York for a while, because it prefers the weather. Or the accent. Strangely enough, the package from Michigan wandered around Michigan for 30 days, but they assure me it's out of Michigan now (and winging its way east to Panama).

You realize if these deliveries hit 40 days, I'll have to come up with something about Jews wandering around the desert, probably with USPS packages to deliver.

• I don't have any of their products, but I'm in awe of the FU-Tone name.

President elect Biden was advised to make a speech about the Washington riot. He was quite upset. Not about the riot...about being taken away from his Barbie Playhouse.

We have Barbies in the lefty Mansion. Too many. Of course, some would say 1 Barbie is too many. We have the Barbie Bus, Barbie Plane, and Barbie's Philly Crack House. It came with tiny replica needles and everything! There are Barbie clothes, which cost more than people clothes. There are Bob Mackie-designed outfits. We have a Barbie steering wheel cover, but I'm not mentioning it, lest someone try to install it. The internal kids think no moving vehicle is complete without a Barbie flag, especially construction equipment. When they get their earthmover, it will be Barbie pink, with a Barbie flag on the back. And then, as so many things go, the city will enact a no earthmover on the lawn law. I'll have to park mine on the street, with the rest of them.

Today I identify as  marmite

Dear lefty 

• I have a bandana hanging out of my right back pocket. My friends tell me that the right side is gay and the left side is straight. Have I committed a preferential faux pas? (I'm straight)
• take the bandana out of your pocket til high school ends and stay out of certain parts of the city if you don't

Mainstream or Pr0n?: Easy Vegetarian, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of My Basement 

• Apple is working with Hyundai on an electric car for 2027.
• Phew. Good thing I got my Hyundai early - all my friends would point and laugh (in a different way than they already do).

Conservative-friendly social network Parler is in a world of trouble. After getting thrown out of Google and Apple stores, they discovered that if Google and Apple don't like you, not many others do. This includes Amazon, which runs their servers (The Cloud)  They're looking for a way to get back online.

This points out the aforementioned agenda, but it starts to get hairy, because of some violent posts, like talking about killing the head of BLM. The thing Gab has over Parler is that Gab polices for illegal speech, although neither is in the Apple or Play stores.

And while we're at it, Stripe will no longer process payments for Trump's campaign site. No agenda here either.

Bright fellow Cory Doctorow says you must align yourself with a digital feudal warlord (Google, Amazon, FB, Apple, MS, etc) and if that warlord turns on you, heaven help you. 

Amazon and Walmart are telling some customers to skip returns of unwanted items. Turns out it's too expensive to ship them back. 

Hello, Walmart? I want to return this sweater. I only wore it once and It's quite ugly, really, like an Ugly Sweater Competition. 

We share your sadness. Please keep the sweater - it's probably full of the Flying AIDS anyway, and we'll credit your account. Looking at your account, you seem to return a lot of stuff.

I'm very picky. That's why I shop Walmart.  [sound of choking]

Hello, Amazon? I need to return this box of random Chinese sex toys.

Ma'am, the joke is on you, because you can't reach a human at Amazon. Think about this... do you want to rip the $1,000 bills from Jeff Bezos' hands as he wipes his bottom with them? Do you? 

Hello Target? I want to return this dress. It's an 8 and it turns out I need a 22. Plus it has red bullseyes all over it.

Hello, CostCo? I want to return this Chevrolet truck. It's the wrong color.

Sorry about that. Just filling the tank is prohibitively expensive, so keep it and we'll send you a new one.

--> although the CostCo customers are batshit crazy, you can return anything for any reason, even without packaging.

--> I really like saying batshit crazy. Or just batshit. Repeat after me: batshit crazy.

Hello Sears? I want to return this house. Whoever built it from a Sears kit back in the 60s did an unbelievably bad job.

Sir, we are bankrupt. They can barely afford to pay me to answer this stupid phone.

But they told me the guy who bought it that it was returnable if not fully satisfied. Plus anybody who would buy KMart is morally bankrupt.

Ok, Sir, we'll credit your account.

I don't have an account. They went bankrupt.

I'll stop by with a large sack full of bills, ok? 

Can't you send me a better house?

Sir, not only are we bankrupt, the houses haven't been produced since the 60s.

Oh, I see.. bait and switch. Bad faith. Pull the sweater right over my eyes, and other cliches.

Sir, how about if I bring a huge bag of cash and personally build you a house? 

How do I know you'll do any better than the last builder? It's a valid question.

Sir, do you live in Northeast Philadelphia or did you forget to take your meds today? 

Both.

We'll credit your imaginary account. You have a nice day now. 

• My incredibly heavy vacuum tube shortwave receiver isn't making a sound. I think I blew a tube. And boy did that hurt.

Don't forget - per the Flying AIDS relief bill, the president gave the intelligence agencies 180 days to produce an unclassified report on UFOs. This is almost a dream come true for researchers, and more than 60 years overdue for America and the world. The only question remaining is how the agencies are going to worm out of this. They have a long, storied history of lying, so that's a start. I predict one of the following:

• Lie and say they don't deal with UFOs, like they always have
• Produce a very light paper, short on facts
• Claim it's a national security matter and remain clammed up

It's not that I don't trust the intel agencies, but I don't trust the intel agencies, and those above them. I guess we'll see soon.

Ain't The Cloud great?

Whenever anyone says The Cloud, you are required to repeat it and genuflect. Or at least your CEOs and that level guys.

What happens is you have your Corporate Buzzwords, which must be spoken frequently, or the Corporate folks aren't doing their jobs. So a while back, the buzzword was The Cloud. Because of this, businesses began adopting things that were in The Cloud. They got rid of their mail servers and used horrible services like Microsoft 365, which was, you guessed it, in The Cloud.

Let's get to brass tacks. I don't know why brass tacks... they sound painful, like some sort of World War II torture. Let's get to the truth. In reality, The Cloud just means Someone Else's Computer.

So your mail is processed and hosted on Somebody Else's Computer; in this case, Microsoft's. Microsoft now has responsibility (sort of) for and control of your mail, and unfortunately, possession of it. Their service claims some ridiculous amount of uptime, like 99% or more, but you've read about the outages. Your mail is not under your control, so you can't make any changes. You've taken a security risk by letting it out of the building. Lastly, you've introduced a delay in receiving the mail.  This is not the way for a company to operate their email services, but it's the way companies are going. After all it's The Cloud, and they save money by farming out their email. And their IT services. And whatever else they can send. If the staff is particularly unattractive, their work goes out too. Your security goes into The Cloud sometimes, even if you have security devices in-house.

So down the line, when there's an outage, all you'll have is your work laptop or desktop, with no email, Faceyspaces, service, or security, because they're all in The Cloud.

Newer Corporate Buzzwords are Internet of Things (IoT) and Artificial Intelligence (AI). If you haven't heard them, you will. Artificial Intelligence is when some software will be put in place to do something humans can't or can't easily. It will perform functions like facial recognition, where it has trouble with black people. The Internet of Things is a very slow motion train wreck, wherein you wire up your house with 'smart' devices that fail when your internet connection is down, because they have to check in with their server before they work. This is a bit inconvenient when it's an oven or fridge. Security is bad or non-existent, so it will be a matter of time til your entire house is hacked, like people did with baby monitors. Do ya really want people from all over the world monitoring your baby, and telling it stuff you'd rather they didn't hear yet? Or ever? Do you want your car doing whatever the hacker wants it to do, while you're in the driver's seat?

There is a right way and a wrong way to do these things. Guess which way they're done currently?

• Ugandans have been warned not to eat dead fish that wash ashore.
• also warned not to drink bleach, stab themselves in the eyes with forks, and piss off people larger and stronger.

An app developer in Milton Keynes, England, used a delivery robot to deliver an engagement ring to his girlfriend, also a technology enthusiast (geek). After they wed, they will have virtual sex, with and without the robot. They will also have virtual fights and will ultimately get a virtual divorce. Presumably the robot will pick up the ring.

The US Space Force joined the US Intelligence Community, to defend the national security of the US. 

From what?

We have satellites to spy on every area of the planet. WTF is going on in space that we need defending from? Are they hip to Ziblat and his pals, performing all the mischief to confuse us? Putting up Roadrunner cutouts in front of the Mars Explorer? Taking it for the occasional joyride? Knocking on the Space Station doors? They're not harmful. Is it the others they're worried about? Are we able to do anything about them other than HEY FRANK - INCOMING! 

Some of the literature describes one alien race as 6' tall and beautiful.

SHIT. Can you imagine if models were aliens?

"This cosmetic is infused with hyaluronic acid and micellar water. They both mess with your DNA to produce beings better suited for our home planet."

Do you want to live on a world where people are beautiful but dumb as a box of rocks? Cindy Crawford has an engineering degree, but who knows about the rest of them. Master class in lip pursing? Books about how to do stuff to keep you in the papers? Winking at the non-gay guy on TMZ? Disavowing any relationship with the Kardashians?

But let me try for the positive in all this: maybe they need to reproduce frequently.

The line forms to the left, guys.

Dog - The Smartest Person in the House

Russian interference in the upcoming election has taken a step up, with several Russian IPs accessing Google, with the phrase 'how to hack american election'.


Your love is like a shot to the groin



Dear lefty

• What are you doing for Halloween?
• We got some of those huge bags of candy to give out. We're going to sit there and eat them.

Halloween's coming.
I know this because last month the candy displays were up at the grocery store.
So.....
Halloween in the age of the Flying AIDS.
Virtual trick or treating? Is there an app for that?
Perhaps technology will help - kids can stand at least 6' from your door and send a drone to get the candy. Maybe a 6' grabber, like the ones to get things off tall shelves.

Hospitals used to xray candy for free. If you want an xray, your copay will be $450. Will they test your candy for Flying AIDS for free?  Do you need to take the temperature of the person giving out candy at every house? Does every piece of candy have to be disinfected, in case someone breathed on it? How do hundreds of children incorporate a mask into their costume?

• The president has gotten more excited about Space Force. Apparently the aliens have been buzzing the Space Station again.

Yeah yeah, I'm always late to the party.
I know the Tonight Show is on but I've never seen any of the last few versions.
Until last night.

This is not 'old person telling kids to get off his lawn' - this is 'they call THAT a tv show?'

A split screen with the host on the left and guest on the right, talking from home.
When they went to commercial, a shot of a dude in his home studio, playing the guitar. He's the 'band'.

No. This is not a tv show. Especially one with a heritage that goes back waay before any of us were born. You can no doubt find clips with Steve Allen or Johnny Carson - funny stuff. Jay Leno too. This 'adapt to Flying AIDS' tv is sad, to be polite. Local news is also a parody of itself. I am not suggesting the host and guests shoot themselves - maybe just a hiatus. Although....

• I was raised well, in spite of what you read here. While at the mall for the first time, I yawned and went to cover my mouth. Stupid masks.

Today's best auction item: you can get the receipt for the purchase of a 1963 left handed guitar for only $500. Bargain at half the price. If you can't stand that kind of magnificence, you can opt for the $100 Ford Tractor receipt from 1950.



Today's best phrase: My parents were Chinese orthodox Jews from Iran.
I heard this because I'm not feeling well, so my darling wife decided to cheer me up with a nice tv show about the Holocaust.

Chinese Jews.
This lends itself to all sorts of jokes that would never be tolerated in public.

What do you get when you combine the Chinese with the Jews?
The owner of a car dealership who can't drive.

But I'd never lower myself to that level.

• And another thing.
• Working from home has been the greatest thing ever to happen to meetings. You can nap for the entire meeting, with no fear of anybody catching you. Not so much as a yawn, plus you get credit for attending. If you must use video for meetings, forget anything I said. Or get a picture of yourself and put it in front of the camera, then snooze blissfully. If anybody asks you a question, ask them to repeat please, because you're having audio issues.

Working from home is not all peaches and cream.
People are starting to resent workers who are also parents, as they have to juggle both jobs. Trust me, juggling children is not something that should be done at home.

You also have to adapt to normal business practices. H/R now sends you Black Lives Matter flyers to print out and hang in your office. I got one today for Prostate Cancer Awareness Month. It will look fabulous next to my Worldwide Women's Breast Awareness poster. After last week's meeting with H/R, I no longer want to send them a picture of my prostate. Ok, I really do, but I'm not going to. My boss calls that 'growth'.



I just like to watch things burn....
The president was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for the Israel/UAE peace agreement. The silence is deafening. I said last year that if Trump achieved peace in the middle east, people would find a way to fault him for it. On the 4th, Serbia and Kosovo agreed to normalize economic ties, in a US brokered deal.

Yeah, but why did it take him so long?
If Obama was president for life, he would already have it done.
Look at that tie!
He's an antisemite. No, wait... he's sexist.
Notice he hasn't brought peace to any latin countries. He's still a racist.

I'm still voting for Jo Jorgensen. We have the highest debt ever, we still have war or troops in more countries than we all have fingers. Civil rights are being shredded daily. You were just held prisoner in your own house. Government is the largest it has ever been, and only grows. 



You think your day was bad?
A Tennessee woman got test results saying she is positive for the Flying Aids.
She can't read the letter because she died in February.
The test was in June.
She anticipated the outcome: the letter said she had to isolate.



I hate Windows. Bill Gates should be tried as a war criminal.
Put in password, connect to work. Oops, it won't connect. Shock.
I've had it - just reboot. Since I was in a hurry, I selected "reboot without updates", so it sat there, staring at me for a few minutes before it performed the updates I told it not to, then finally rebooted, at which point it did a few more updates. Then it sits there and mocks me, while 'checking my status.' It knows full well that my status is 'sitting there, staring at it, wanting to reformat it and install linux,' but I'm still on probation for the last time I did that to a work computer.

This took 20 minutes.
I managed to get to my meeting exactly a few minutes late, as everyone was having their virtual coffee and discussing which words and phrases we should not use at national meetings (usually this part of the meeting focuses on me). The meeting, like most meetings, came complete with sound effects. The first one sounded like somebody dragging chains across a steel floor, then repeatedly throwing them up in the air. The owner of the noise apologized for his cat. Oh. We realized it wasn't chains - it was the cat playing a tambourine. This is a very interesting feline: normally it makes a noise like a baby screeching. Then comes the ocean noise.. kinda like a waterfall at its loudest point (turned out to be a coffee maker). This alternates with the construction on someone's home addition and minor demolitions testing (gotta keep the kids occupied). My coworkers told me not to say anything, because the last time, it only got worse. Plus all the noise is from The Boss.



Birthdays

Otis Redding
Buddy Holly (would be 84)
Ron 'Pigpen' McKernan - Grateful Dead
Ben Orr - Cars (sang "Who's gonna drive you home")
Chrissie Hynde - Pretenders
Joe Perry - Aerosmith


Checked Out

Keith Moon - Who?
Warren Zevon - Werewolves of cancer
Ernie Ball - pioneered development of guitar-related products
Hughie Thomasson - Outlaws
Diana Rigg (82) - The Avengers



SJW Stapling

Employees of the nonprofit DoSomething, which markets itself as "the largest tech company exclusively for youth and social change," are walking out today in light of allegations of racial abuse and toxic work culture at the company.   You will no doubt remember them as the company that pushed Apple to diversify emojis.

Hollywood is adding affirmative action rules to the Oscars

Space Force - a Special Edition

Warning:
lefty babbles skeptically about Space Force, in which he proves that Space Force ain't what it seems.



So, we have Space Force [insert deep voice with lots of echo].
I never really heard what it was about - just that we had it. We've been messing around in space for a long time: this is not our first ride.

Here's their site.

Here's their about page:

MISSION:
The USSF is a military service that organizes, trains, and equips space forces in order to protect U.S. and allied interests in space and to provide space capabilities to the joint force. USSF responsibilities include developing military space professionals, acquiring military space systems, maturing the military doctrine for space power, and organizing space forces to present to our Combatant Commands.


The Space Force was established under the Department of the Air Force.

What are we fighting against?
The page claims things like nuclear missiles. We can already see nuclear missiles. Our existing satellites can see a license plate on a car in detail. Then there's NORAD, which can also see all sorts of interesting things, like nuclear missiles and craft of unknown origin. They claim watching satellites and space debris. Sorry, guys, we already have every satellite and piece of junk cataloged very carefully, by the likes of Satview - Tracking satellites and Spacejunk in Real time. Oops - inconvenient facts.


This is Public information

1. JAPAN FIRM TO DEVELOP SATELLITE TO REMOVE SPACE DEBRIS
How do they know where it is without Space Force?

2. ROCKET LAB TO LAUNCH SATELLITES FOR US SPYSAT AGENCY AND NASA
Keep it in the open so no one will see it

3. Space debris is a major challenge as the chances of collision are high. If there is a collision, then the outgoing satellite or space vehicle will be totally damaged. At present the chances of near-by passage of space debris to working satellites is 20,000 approaches per week. This will steadily climb up to 50,000 close-by per week by 2050
How do they know where all of it is?

4. See all the satellites and space junk
Shit - Space Force vs web page. Only one can be correct.

5. Space Junk: Tracking & Removing Orbital Debris
Uh-oh

6. How Satellites Avoid Attacks And Space Junk While Circling The Earth

7. A global network of space surveillance sensors provide vital information on the location of satellites and space debris for the nation and the world. Maintaining space superiority is an emerging capability required to protect U.S. space assets from hostile attacks.
Are you going to tell us there's already a system in place?

So if we already have these capabilities, what is Space Force (aside from a huge bonus for the Military Industrial Complex)? Again?

Many suspect that some of our space weapons are actually pointed out, instead of at Earth. The Department of Defense never told me, so I remain neutral.


Warning 2: I (damn near) proved that Space Force is not what it's advertised as, but cannot say what it is.
 



Stupid Space Fact of the Day
A couple of years ago, I monitored the Space Station as it flew over my region. I could hear the Earthbound amateur radio guys contacting it. Fun day.

The Masks Don't Help and We Look Like Weenies

Since we're all inside, less stuff happens, so we have to go with what we find.

• Amazon is having a rough time with shipping deadlines. I think they should throw all boxes in bleach. No one will be afraid to touch them.

YMCA, by the Village People, is going into the Library of Congress.
I did some checking and Led Zeppelin isn't in the Library of Congress. Dr Dre will be inducted this year because that's obviously music (?), along with Whitney Houston. Surprisingly, Jimi Hendrix and Jeff Beck have good showings.

It's like the Grammys, but not quite as confusing.

• It's at times like these we can reflect on the positives of this situation. For instance, it might be hard to find toilet paper, but Caramel M&Ms are on sale.

Amazon, hiring 100,000 employees, has a small problem, in that employees at 9 warehouses have contracted coronavirus. I was right - the 100,000 were replacements.

• News said up to 10% of New York City's police are sick. If this continues, people will walk around, openly flaunting their 64oz sodas.

There are many articles online about what you should and shouldn't do. One says going outside is good for physical and mental health (as long as nobody is near you). I told you exercise causes cancer. Or in the case, the Flying AIDS.

• Southeast Pennsylvania Transportation Agency (SEPTA), the company that runs public transportation, says they're at 6% ridership.
• They're still running late.

The US Space Force has successfully launched its first mission.
What is it?  That's classified.
When did it launch? You don't have a need to know.
What did it cost? More than COVID-19 bailouts
What does that patch on your uniform say? "Space Force: Bringing Freedom to Space"




Today I identify as   a tampon

Light travels at the speed of 186k miles per second.

A Light Year is light traveling at 186k miles per second for every second of every minute, hour, day, week, and month for a entire year. 

That comes to 5.8 trillion miles. 

The US government is 3½ Light Years in debt.

Now that most of us across the planet have to stay home, it's past time to figure out what's up. It must be good, because it's not restricted to any one people, country, or economy.

The first thing to ask in any situation is who benefits...
Well, there's a great opportunity for one or more Big Pharma corporations to score. Not sure if this is long-term enough to make it worth the trouble.

One group benefits: the governments, who have enacted shutdowns and violations of civil rights. China clamped down immediately. Others followed. When this is over, are every one of our rights going to be restored? Several states have used the Flying AIDS to close gun stores. This is what we call an agenda.

If we take this far out there, it's another part of George Bush's New World Order. The UN has been working on this forever, as have the Bilderbergers, Trilateral Commission, and the Council on Foreign Relations. Hillary and Henry Kissinger are members of these groups. Look them up - I did. It's hiding in plain sight.


This is just the obvious stuff. Send a comment with your ideas.




SJW Simpering


COVID-19 is a gendered crisis.

Nurses, nurse aides, teachers, child carers and early-childhood educators, aged-care workers and cleaners are mostly women.

They are on the frontline of this public health crisis and carry a disproportionate risk of being exposed to the virus.

Idiot Governor, top right

Walmart Ate My Coronavirus

Not everything must be complex and involve computers and hacking.
A teen walked into a Walmart in Joliet, IL, wearing a mask and a sign that said I have the coronavirus." He sprayed Lysol on produce, clothing, and other products. He and his buddy were arrested for disorderly conduct, retail theft, and criminal tresspass.

This is the kind of independent thinking we need in our youth today. Anybody can phone in a bomb threat - this took preparation and setup. I think we should start a fund for his defense.

• My friend's boss gave him a new term: maintenance window.
• I think he jumped out.

Tom Steyer, Dem hopeful, is calling for a $22 minimum wage.
It's great to see such naked pandering so early.

• We finally figured out how mosquitos sense our warmth. Part of it is exhaling carbon dioxide when we breathe. If we don't want our blood sucked, the only reasonable solution is to stop breathing.

Curious about the US budget?
Check out Science magazine.
They identify it as Trump's Budget, then mention it drowns science agencies in red ink. I'm sure there's implicit bias, coming from Science magazine.
What's very interesting is not the budget cuts, but the Budget.
It is incredibly difficult to elicit my sympathy for a 6% cut to the National Science Foundation, when the final number is $6.328 billion. If you read it this way, it might be considerably more interesting. The numbers are for the research component, so the figures may not be the entire budget for the unit.
That said, the remaining budget for these research areas is 59.951 billion.
Add many other departments, plus the Black Budget, and you begin to understand why your taxes are so ridiculously high. Imagine if you were 'allowed' to keep most of your own money.


Taking a momentary break from defending the planet, or whatever it is they do, Space Force is desperately searching for a short name to call themselves, like the short names the other branches of the military have. Therefore, they're crowdsourcing it. Back on the Old Days<tm>, we just Asked People. Now we crowdsource. Speaking to the internet is probably not the smartest idea....  none of the pre-existing suggestions are any good (Guardian, vanguard, sentinel). Therefore it is incumbent upon us to help out...

• UFO Fighters
• Spaceheads
• Tax Increasers
• Zero Gravity Jockeys
• Rocket Humpers
• Satellite Farmers
• Space d00ds
• Paratrumpers

Humor me for a minute.... 

The navy has ships.

The air force has planes.

The army has tanks.

The marines have scuba guys who do Bad Stuff for the CIA.

What does Space Force have?

If I understand correctly, the newest tech we've seen, aside from the secretive triangular thing that just got tested, is still the Saturn V (40s technology from former nazi, Werner von Braun) and the Space Shuttle. Any follower of history or even casual observer, knows there's something else we aren't privy to. How does Space Force get to Space? Do they cruise the moon to pick up Space Chicks? Do they run around in the Aurora, a triangular craft? Is there something newer, something triangular, that might be able to hover in-place and sometimes gets mistaken for a UFO (that doesn't exist)? Maybe they just do weird stuff to other countries' satellites.

While we're on the topic, Popular Mechanics ran a story on the government's UFO program. It's interesting. It gives a view into secret government programs too. Worth a read, keeping in mind that this is the public level; the one you're allowed to see. UFO research has been going on forever, but this particular 'disclosure' is somehow being allowed to go public. If you think UFO research started a number of years ago, with a $22 million program, I have some nuclear cold fission patents to sell you.

• Weird, unseen auto industry inventions.

Today's Special List of concerts the promoter knows I want to see, starts out with Janet Jackson and Backstreet Boys. Ummmm... guys - it's time to fire your algorithm. Yeah, Frankie Valli too: we don't really have 4 seasons here. On a positive note, the Black Crowes are touring, as is John Fogerty.

Dear lefty:

• What do I do with my erection?
• Just keep it away from women - we don't need you reproducing.

VITAMIN D ALERT

This is a warning to avoid vitamin D: it is very troublesome.
It comes in tiny little football-shaped capsules, and without fail, it will roll off any surface it's on. I spend 10 minutes every morning, trying to locate the little bastard on the carpet. It blends in.

• Stop what you're doing and watch this. Joe Bonamassa and Eric Gales jamming. It will tear your head off. I'm still looking for mine.

Today I identify as   a plaid suit



I am pleasantly surprised to read that Trump just signed an order to test the US infrastructure's vulnerability to GPS outage. I guess he's secretly reading this blog. For my next trick, I suggest that we figure out what happens to planes and other things if GPS goes down. We also need to secure our insecure infrastructure, like power generation.

• Today's best line: You just cannot kill everybody who doesn't agree with you.
• Uh-oh

Bloomberg considers Hillary as running mate.
Sound the air raid sirens! Barge the bilge! Muck up the mizzenmunch! Stock up on babies to snack on -- Satan's personal representative is back! But wait a minute... wasn't the Chosen One supposed to be president? Bloomberg is sexist!

• Sex robots may cause psychological damage. 
• Paid for by the League of Frightened Women  

Heroes of the Stupid

Pets in China are being forced to wear bizarre face masks because their crazy owners are terrified they may catch coronavirus.



Heroes

There's no question about it - social media is toxic. It's best to take a break to get back in the real world for a bit. Somewhat less toxic are the email groups, for special interests. There's a (police/fire) scanner group, with all the technical people and knowledge you can ask for. Most recently, there were a ton of messages to and from "Robert." The last one had Robert thanking everybody for not making fun of him; he's autistic and takes a little longer to understand things, but really likes his scanner. Looking back over the previous messages, one could see many in the group helping Robert, step by step if necessary, to get set up.

There are many stories like this. They just get swallowed up by the words of assholes.




SJW Slop



Transgender ideology can take on a comical character, as in a recent American Civil Liberties Union commentary objecting to sales tax on tampons and similar products while pondering: “How can we recognize that barriers to menstrual access are a form of sex discrimination without erasing the lived experiences of trans men and non-binary people who menstruate, as well as women who don’t?”

More Absurd Stuff [placeholder]

I love this kind of news...
More than 350 ethical hackers got together in cities across Australia on Friday for a hackathon in which they worked to “cyber trace a missing face”, in the first-ever capture the flag event devoted to finding missing persons.



Over on Twitter, there was a post from Space Force (the official account). It was a link to a tv station, with video of something in the sky. The Space Force question was "Aliens or military?"          Very funny, guys.



Dear lefty

• Do you ever miss the huge blogging platform you used to use?
• Do I? Well, I used to get paid via advertising. Now I get paid in satisfaction and nice people. Do the math.

Most Americans don't have a clue what https:// means, according to a Pew survey.     Most Americans don't have a clue what pencils are for.

• Superior IQs are associated with mental and physical disorders, research suggests
• How does that explain me?

No thank you, I'd rather be on the testing team for VIPoo

• My friendly ticket agency emailed to let me know that tickets for Air Supply are now available.
• Do I look old and dead?

When a small child, I thought that success spelled happiness. I was wrong, happiness is like a butterfly which appears and delights us for one brief moment, but soon flits away. ~ Anna Pavlova

Today I identify as  your mama

• I let the dog in the house. In the time it took me to close the door, she was charging through the house, then ran upstairs to see if her mommy was there. Only when Mommy wasn't there was it ok to say hello to me. I could be upset at being a second class human, but I'm leaving it alone.

"Even if you don't like guns and don't want to own them, you benefit from those who do." - Ron Paul

Multiple people were stabbed at a shopping mall in Manchester, UK.
Fortunately there were no fatalities.

If you take away their guns, they stab people.
If you take away their knives, they use chains.
If you take away their chains, they use rocks.
If you take away their rocks, how are you going to take away their fists?



Today's best headline: Effects of acute wild blueberry supplementation on the cognition of children



There are moments that are so ironic, it hurts. You just get done saying something and realize it could have come from your parents' mouths.
We took Mom to Ihop, because dinnertime is the best time for pancakes (except all other times). Strangely, there wasn't a huge crowd. Stranger was the volume level. It was loud. It was mostly coming from the screaming child. The little brat sat there and screeched at random intervals. At one point it was so loud that its mother shusshed it. Mom was voluntarily deaf and tuned out the shrieking little bastard.  You could tell it was bothering me because I would say 2 words, hear a shriek, then wince in pain.

Mom told me that when her children went out in public, they knew to behave. Apparently I was a tiny adult, and I continue to regress as I get older. When the waitress asked if there was anything she could get us, I suggested a muzzle for the darling little shrieker.

As if on cue, 4 from the Taylor Swift Generation sat next to us. That generation runs from about 10 to 15 or so. They proceeded to make more noise than the shrieking child. They got louder as they sat there. They were completely unaware of the effect they were having on everybody else in the restaurant. When the waitress came back, I asked for 4 muzzles this time.

Normally I'd be afraid of sounding like my parents. I don't think so this time... why should an entire restaurant be subject to shrieking children and screaming teens? I know this is Ihop, but we really wanted to enjoy pancakes with less noise than planes taking off. I was assured it's bad form to turn their tables upside down and tell them Satan doesn't like loud children. Ihop started reinforcing their door glass, so it's harder to throw the noisemakers through it. Then the police tell me I'm the bad guy.

Normally I ask for the non screaming children section.

This is why I don't go out a lot.
Even for dishes with purple whipped cream, which is a tie-in for a movie.



California Governor Gavin Newsome (uh-oh) introduced a new law that allows coworkers, employers, and teachers to seek a 'red flag' order against anyone they believe is a threat to themselves or others. If California doesn't want to secede, how about we do it for them?  This law is so extreme, the ACLU is against it, and the ACLU does not like the 2nd Amendment.


Speaking of laws, a criminal dropped his gun, walked out of the house with his hands up, and was shot.  I wonder if the policeman will be red flagged. He was fired.




Heroes of the Stupid

A Kansas schoolgirl was arrested and charged with a felony for brandishing a finger gun. District found liable for not checking the type of ammunition she used.

Man walks 351 miles from Indiana to Wisconsin to meet 14 year old girl for sex. Well, at least he proved he's serious.

Man drives 200 miles to police station with body in car, confesses to killing more.  You have to admire his commitment to justice.

Taco Bell recalled 2.3 million pounds of seasoned beef from restaurants.
FAKE NEWS: that ain't beef, and those aren't restaurants.




SJWs. More.

A Kansas schoolgirl was arrested and charged with a felony for brandishing a finger gun.    It belongs in both categories.




SJW Backfire

Artificial Intelligence models used to flag hate speech online are racist against black people. No, really.

• the tweet “I saw him yesterday” is scored as 6 per cent toxic, but it suddenly skyrockets to 95 per cent for the comment “I saw his ass yesterday”. The word ass may be crude, but when used in that context it’s not aggressive at all.
• maybe we shouldn't be trying to police speech....

We've Done It

I joke about being part of Trump's Space Force.
I joke about Space Force.
I joke.

Yesterday I heard that India just successfully tested their satellite killer.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen - we have (already) weaponized space.
Seemingly tired of having enough hardware to blow up the planet ten times over, we moved the fun to space.

See a pattern?

Just a few short (evolutionary) years ago, we were beating each other with sticks and bones. Then canons, rifles, chains, guns, bigger guns, grenades, bombs, etc.


-------------------------> [Hey, who paid for this shit?]


-------------------------> [Hey, who benefits from this shit?]



As a guy with no interest in bombing anyone (except spammers), this is not a welcome thought. It's not like things are going to stop here.

As a guy trying to look at this from a larger perspective, it's saddening.
We're better than this.



If there is any other life out in that absolutely humongous universe, can you imagine what it thinks of us?

Walmart Loves You

Walmart loves you so much, it wants to ensure your health by taking your vital signs while you shop.

A patent application is very revealing of their desire to keep everyone safe: a biometric sensor in shopping cart handles.

These sensors would track the shoppers’ heart rates, temperatures, grip strength, and stress levels, not to mention the cart’s weight, speed and idle time. Next, that info would be sent to a server where the data could be analyzed and compared against baselines obtained when the customer first grabbed the cart.

Well, if that isn't the creepiest thing you read today, I'll eat my hat. Better yet, I'll eat Shakira.

Walmart will have to convene a panel to figure out why all their customers are wearing heavy gloves in the summer. Better yet, why people are shopping elsewhere (except the useful idiots who think it's nice of Walmart to monitor their health, in case they have a heart attack while shopping).

Your even bigger surprise is that there's no way listed of opting out of this chicanery. And of course, no personal information will be collected (aside from every biometric sign available).

ThermionicEmissions has some journalistic connections, who advise us they print only what they're told to. ThermionicEmissions also knows some sneaky people, who helped us discover some other patent applications about to be filed by the mega-giant and seer of all retail health things:

• a sensor for your dining room chairs, that detects how you're feeling when you get home from Walmart, and at all other times. Also, whether you washed recently. This sensor is taking a while to be approved, as it keeps beating Alexa up.
• a sensor to monitor your colonic health. This is inserted rectally, for the best connection. This will also tell when you clench your butt cheeks, after hearing what Walmart is up to this time.
• sensors for your genitals, to tell when you're really excited about a sale.
• a scanner for all your important paperwork, to save Walmart the research
• all of these sensors to be tested in Walmart's new camps sleeping facilities.

We always feel protected by our guardians in Washington, but we'll never feel the level of protection afforded to the citizens of Ireland. Like the US, every piece of mail coming into the country is subject to scrutiny. The US protects its citizens from surprise by examining the contents of the letters. Ireland protects its citizens from any sort of plant or drugs. It is even more magnanimous via protecting manufacturers from fake goods. But that's not it, no sir.. they protect their countrymen (and women) by protecting them from offshore medical products. The kind people order over the internet. "You never know what they're made from," says the helpful package opener. Never mind that some citizen ordered this with full knowledge, probably because the pharmaceutical company gouges the people in Ireland, like they do in the US. Ireland is concerned, more than anything, with the health of its people. You can tell by the way they confiscate cigarettes mailed to people. It has nothing at all to do with the usurious tax rate on ciggies.

• Some stuff that happens in England with the police leaves me howling. Usually it's uncontrolled panic over someone with a steak knife. Even funnier, if you can imagine that, is watching a policeman using a broom after an accident; cleaning up. Where I live, the victim of the accident is ordered to clean up. And there's no broom.

How's Space Force, you ask.....

As usual, you'll be sorry you asked.

Due to some additional funding that hasn't materialized, Space Force is at a standstill, as new projects go. You simply do not let a force of ADHD-addled, top of the line, highly driven types go without any significant direction.  Last we heard, they're out racing saucer-shaped craft. It's a great team-building exercise, and every now and then, the aliens let them win.

• I have a remote coworker I've never met. I can tell she's tall from the way she types.

Do you feel protected now, punk? Do you?

Department of Defense Travel System Exposed data of 30,000 Civilian, Military employees.

Probably occurred months before the October 4th discovery.

"..the breach occurred at a travel management services firm that handles "a small percentage" of DoD's travel services. 

Good thing it was a small percentage... only 30,000. A major breach would be rough, eh?

• I an ugly happenstance that I don't understand, Myanmar used Faceyspaces to help fight a war. FB had no idea it was going on and rushed to shut down  'a bunch of accounts.'
• The Myanmari military operated without any scrutiny, as they didn't malign muslims or any other minority.

Remember Do-Not-Track?

After taking a look at it the first time, I knew where it was headed (the digital trashcan). Let's face it - much like being on the Do-Not-Call list, it depends wholly on people at the other end respecting your choice. Let's face it - that ain't gonna happen, no way, no how.

• WHY IS THERE A BOX OF LEMON BAR MIX in my kitchen?

Just in case you were feeling that your government was made of a bunch of doofuses, know that there's no difference the world over: UK's Ministry of Defence discovered 37 security breaches of protocol last year. Breaches of protocol are even more astounding than the garden variety breaches because it's just stupid people doing stupid things.  Send sensitive information over the web, unencrypted. Plug USB drives into your computer without checking or scanning. Leave the computer locked when you walk out of the room.  

There is a long list, but the people up top don't want to discuss it, because it might lead to a cyber-attack. I have to admit, that's a good one. "Gee, we'd truly love to tell you every detail of how we screwed up royally, but we're really concerned that doing so might somehow put you at further risk. If we tell you, the terrorists win, yeah? Believe me, there's nothing we'd rather do, but our hands are tied here. It's for the children.

That's irony, right? 

Still no word from the Ministry of Speelling Things Incorrectly.

• Do you have or need a baby monitor? This guy did the research on putting one up safely.

A Spanish security person has discovered a second bug in the iPhone lockscreen,  which allows a person with the phone to hijack your pictures and send them to another phone. Got a pissed off spouse (who doesn't?), disrespectful kids (redundant), or someone who happens to be in the house and curious?

While waiting for the Apple patch, the temporary solution is to disable Siri from the lockscreen. 

Of course, disabling Siri would cripple your iOS 12 experience...

And now we hit the crux of the biscuit: even the author of the article mentions the user experience. Folks, if the user experience is more important than the security of the device and your personal information, perhaps you need to reevaluate your stance on the matter. Maybe you need to get hit with the exploit (or a 2x4) to adjust your thinking accordingly. Is it any wonder I haven't been asked to write for any major (or minor) publications?

This information may be moot because people don't care enough about security to read or take notice. Well, not on this blog, but one that has a wider circulation (although I'd prefer this blog, for some reason). 

• If you're an old computer soul, you'll remember Winamp, which whipped the llama's ass. It was THE player of audio. Bought by AOL, it kinda floundered. A new company has purchased it and it's officially coming back.
• The program is referred to as broken and dated. It still plays audio files, so how broken can it be?
• Once again, the article includes the word experience. I don't want a playing experience: I want to play my files. Nothing else. No blinky lights, no waveform display that looks like a heartbeat on a hospital monitor (he's in v-fib! Charge to 240- CLEAR!), and no equalizer whose curve looks like a smile. Not even a trick button that makes you think you're listening to surround sound instead of missing half your music.

There is a vacuum in the house.

Not the kind that picks up dirt. 

It's an anomaly in the vortex.

It's a small black vacuum that's always there, frequently following us around.

It makes no sound, but is omnipresent.

It's very familiar, yet the absolute opposite of something we knew.

it's been three months and still tears me apart

I'm telling you - the Russians are meddling in our process...

I do nothing: I do it often and I do it well

For some reason, known only to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, an email address I don't use has become Spam Central, largely for foreigners trying to give me millions of dollars because of their declining health (and mental capabilities). The address is ONLY used for Google communications for this blog. Even though I was never good at math, I think I got this one.

If I really cared, I'd take them up on their offer and scam them out of their own money, but it's just sooooo much effort to expend when I can't become awake for work, even at my own desk, after 3 cups of coffee (and an undisclosed amount of meth, snorted right there, which everybody thinks is coke).

• If you use Firefox and take advantage of private browsing, you will be happy to know that it's absolutely infested with Google nonsense. I'm recommending that, if you care, you set your options to mimic private browsing, without using the feature (forget everything you did, flush cookies and history, etc). 
• One of the problems is the use of a Google blacklist of bad sites. When you query the list, Google knows where you're going. Outside of private browsing, you can set the service used (which may also keep records - check).

Speaking of delayed gratification, Stanford University for the Terminally Wealthy did a famous study, where children were put in a room and given a marshmallow. They were told they could eat it whenever they wanted, but if they waited til the Study Person returned, they'd get another marshmallow. Forty years later, it was shown that the children who waited experienced better outcomes in life. Also that phrases like 'better outcomes' take about forty years to appear. And if you don't pay researchers on time, studies take a lot longer to reach a conclusion.  [from 12 Habits of Mentally Strong People]

• US police might be in trouble via their bodycams. They turned up hackable, which could put the attacker in control of the camera and video. 
• If the police don't forget to turn the camera on.
• We will not learn.

After several huge media outlets threw Alex Jones off, coincidentally at the same time, it was discovered Twitter didn't. This came as quite a shock to Twitter's Left, which demanded he be silenced for 'hate speech', as well as free speech advocates, who figured he'd be thrown off by now. Reports are that Jones' subscriptions went through the roof after 'disappearing'. Twitter's Left are apoplectic, demanding they Do Something. Twitter is having trouble making a decision, for once. It should be noted that the majority of people thrown off Twitter are Twitter Right, as admitted by Jack, Twitter's Big Cheese<tm>.

Now, let's think on this for a second. As the election heats up, a conspiracy guy, off to the right, gets thrown off most major media/social sites at once. One could theorize he's influential, as so many sites acted at once. And since several sites acted at once, who's giving the orders?

Disclaimers: I do not listen to Jones, but he amuses me. As a libertarian, I believe that these sites have a right to allow or disallow whoever they want. However, this smells orchestrated and deserves investigating.

The effect of these actions is silencing people and cutting off income. Regardless of the person or entity being censored, is it ok with you that major outlets essentially dictate what you can see/hear/read?  Again, this is not about a person so much as silencing in general. Make no mistake - to allow this is a mistake. The left's excuse is 'hate speech'. If these people understood the First Amendment, they'd know that there is no such thing as hate speech. Speech is speech, whether or not you agree with it. This includes the unscrupulous legislators who allow such assaults on freedoms guaranteed to everyone.

• As if it wasn't bad enough that companies are selling literal airbrushes to apply makeup, they are also selling spray-on hair and/or root touchup. 
• dent puller would be helpful, as would body putty.

After watching way too many police shows, covering the US and UK, I've come to the conclusion, after taking way too much time, that police have turned into a multi-billion dollar drug-seeking operation. I think we can all agree that anything showing the officers in a bad light gets scrubbed from video and never shown. This leads to video of police actions that they think are legitimate.

The script is always the same:

• sometimes lame excuse for pulling someone over
• I need to pat you down
• do you mind if we search your vehicle? If you have nothing to hide, why object?
• ooh - drugs!

Some of the excuses are legitimate, like running a light. Some are completely ridiculous, like not using your turn signal for two seconds before changing lanes. Or a bulb out on your plate. I got pulled over for swerving a little as I approached a toll booth. I fully admit swerving, as I was reaching into my pocket for my wallet. We were on our way to a gig and the guy was playing "you don't have anything in the car I need to know about?". Officer, if you want to pull all our equipment out of the car and check it, be my guest. Then we invited him to the show, because we're that way, plus it was a lovely passive aggressive move on my part.

In all of these cases, the police were looking for drugs.

Now think about this. The US and UK (and whatever other countries) have set up a humongous infrastructure for the War on Drugs. The police are a detection unit for this alleged war. They don't even issue a ticket for a moving violation by itself without looking for drugs. Most of the time, they find drugs. One can guess these segments were left in on purpose because it makes great television, and the non-drug pullovers aren't shown because they're not exciting. Or most of the pullovers are for drugs. Take your pick.

The moral aspect of this is hysterical. "No, son, I don't smoke that stuff and you shouldn't either." Yeah, the forty year old policeman hasn't smoked a doobie and gives a stern moral lecture. Just say no to cutting off our money supply for this terrible war we must fight.

And then there are the just plain stupid drivers, who lead the police on a dangerous, high speed chase through two counties because they have an overdue parking ticket. The driver admits this to the cops, as he's being extracted from his upside down vehicle that he crashed on the side of the highway, after the stop sticks were deployed. No doubt they search what's left of the vehicle for drugs.

DISCLAIMER: none of the above applies if the driver is impaired. The police and prosecutors should throw the book at anyone who drives impaired for any reason.

• Ever so slightly disconcerting is watching my cursor move a little bit by itself.

The Continuing Adventures of Space Force

Lieutenant lefty here.

As you may remember, I was selected for The Force by President Trump himself. A year later, we still don't know why.

I have risen in rank rapidly, because of things like getting three r-words into small sentences, seemingly effortlessly. The fact that I can tell the difference between a male and female cable end might also have something to do with it.

Last week our Secret Mission (sssshhhhh.... don't tell anybody) was to check out what King Kong Ill, President for Life of North Korea, was up to when not in the press. What I'm going to tell you is Triple Top Secret, above even Double Tomato Clearance, so you must swear on whatever it is that people swear on, that you will not repeat this information or tell anyone where you read it. When not in the public eye, King Kong Ill has his BFF, Dennis Rod Man, over for one of his Ultra Secret crossdressing parties. The Minister of Panty Propaganda had a little chat with Rod Man, wherein he explained that no matter how Dennis dressed, the most fabulous and prettiest in the party had to always be the Ill, as insiders call him. An outsider called him the Ill once, and they still haven't found his body.

When President Trump met King Kong, he couldn't understand why the Ill had a picture of J. Edgar Hoover, nefarious head of the FBI and famous gay crossdresser, in his private suite. There are still high level discussions among the Cabinet whether it was a full size picture or just another of the Ill's mirrors.

After this amazing discovery, we saw a bunch of various colored and shaped craft of some sort whiz by our ship. Since we're the Space Force, we thought maybe we should take some sort of action. Since we're the Space Force, we had no idea what action to take, so we phoned the White House. Dick Cheney said we saw nothing; it was merely space gas. So we went back to our duties. By the way, if anybody knows what our duties are, could you please send them to me at my secret classified email address?  Thank you.

No, You're Fat

There's a lot of Weird Shit happening in the world today, especially of the Weird Social Variety<tm>. For lack of better definition, let's call it Fat Pride.

When you see a 'woman of size', wearing clothes made for a woman of size, they say they're comfortable in their skin. Mrs leftystrat, a former woman of size, used to say to me that it was nice that these women were comfortable with their size - you go, girl. It only took one catalog of swimwear for women of size for both of us to agree this was Not Right. After the lingerie catalog for women of size, we were both shocked and put off by the pictures. Don't get me wrong: there should be lingerie in any size that people will buy; but I'd rather not see it in ads. If you haven't seen it, seek it out. It simply doesn't look right. There's a reason the Victorias models are slim.

I don't usually have much to say on the social aspects of this, but being comfortable with or proud of your (large) skin can normalize fat. How comfortable are they going to be with their first heart attack? Will this send the message to large people that it's ok to be large? It's very clearly unhealthy, as established by Medical Science, since way back when Medical Science was young (and thin). Fat hits arteries and restricts blood flow to organs, most notably the brain.

I'm big on the freedom of speech thing and this is ok with me from a speech perspective... whatever the market will bear. I would just prefer, personally, that people don't think this is ok - for their own health. If you want to weigh north of 300lbs (453 liters Canadian), go for it. Just don't explode in public: that stuff's damn near impossible to clean.

Having said that, I am not a Person of Size, but portions of me are growing. Unstopped, who knows how large they will grow. I'd prefer not to complete the Science on that and have taken steps to stop the growth. When I stay steps, I am not speaking physically. What Science hasn't discovered yet is that exercise causes cancer. I do not wish to be on the leading edge of that discovery, so I strenuously avoid it.

What I have done to arrest the growth is to replace one soda per day with a large glass of water. Well, I tried. Have you experienced water when it's not 90 degrees or you haven't completed a marathon jog up the steps? It tastes like... water. Throwing a lemon wedge into it makes all the difference in the world. Throwing some Arnold Palmer iced tea/lemonade into it would make an ever bigger difference, but something tells me this isn't a good idea. This is a huge step for me and I do not take it lightly. Thus far I've replaced a soda with water damn near every day of the week  (*except weekends and a few days during the week). We traditionally eat well, avoiding fast and boxed foods, preparing most meals ourselves  (*except malts, Marshall's favorite). Logically, all things remaining the same, the weight gain would point to exercise, but as I said, cancer won't be the thing to take me out. Or a heart attack.



Next week, ThermionicEmissions reviews "50 Shades of Gay".

• California will be voting on Daylight Savings Time shortly. After that historic vote, California will vote on whether or not gravity should exist.
• Experts expect nothing will happen after the vote, but since it's California, at least they got to vote their feelings.

She Woman Man Haters Club
Uh-oh.... the American Psychological Association has discovered that women outnumber men by more than two to one in the psych field. For the 35 and unders, the ratio jumps to nine to one. Do you suppose there will be urgent efforts to bring the men to parity? A great wail on social media about needing more men? High school programs to direct men into the mental health field?

Along those lines, seen on an announcement for Women Fest:

All women are welcome at the festival, including transgender women and pre-operative individuals. We're also happy to have non-binary people, provided they have a vagina; but not non-binary people with a penis because we have to draw the line somewhere.

Watch your mailboxes. There seems to be a small flood of junk AOL emails. Most of us would comment that any email from AOL is junk, but apparently it is still used (by the clueless). They might not have subject lines but they contain a small amount of text and a link. Also getting deluged with phishing emails from banks and the requisite people depositing a few million into my account, wanting my information.

Your bank isn't going to email you on sensitive matters, especially on your email you give out for nonsense purposes. Call the bank and check if you think the email is real. Don't do this frequently unless you want the person who picks up the phone to snicker when you say your name.

Nigerian princes, kings, ex-officials, and dog catchers aren't going to give you millions of dollars, or even one bottle of chilled YooHoo. 

What do I do?

Don't. Remember lefty's law: just say no. Don't read it, don't open it, don't click on the link and don't leave it in your inbox - mark it spam and delete it. When you see a link, hover your mouse over it: this will show you where the link really goes. Odds are it will be different than the link you're clicking on. If it seems too good to be true, it is.

Similarly, watch what you're installing on your phone. This is primarily an android issue, as Apple vets the authors and apps. If it looks too good to be true, it is. If it has a lot of foreign text in it, avoid. If the reviews look odd, avoid. If there are grammar errors that tell you the author's first language isn't English, avoid. Look the app up elsewhere for any info. Trust your instincts: if the app causes you to pause, don't. You're choosing between possibly destroying your phone's software or being without Fantastic Game of the year. You decide which is more important. Note when the app first hit the market and the download count. Note quantity of reviews and stars.

• About that shiny new browser you just installed on your phone, or, heaven forbid, your computer (remember those things?).... Don't go anywhere on it until you check the settings... they're typically pretty dangerous. The last one I saw had save passwords on, automatically fill out forms on, and accept all cookies, including third party on. This is stuff you want to turn OFF. Save your passwords in a password manager, not your browser. Automatically fill out forms means the browser keeps your data, which isn't safe. Don't accept third party cookies unless you really need them to make the (well known, safe) site function.
• Don't install just any browser until you see what it's built on. I don't use Chrome because it's Google and it phones home. However, there are android browsers built on Chrome. Ever vigilant.

One of the top web vulnerabilities is cross-site scripting.
So don't cross-site script, ok?


Oopsie - Faceyspaces admitted sharing users' data with 61 tech companies. This was revealed in a 747 page PDF delivered to Congress. The recommend step to fix this is to delete your account.




I've been going back and forth about my new job. I didn't want to tell anyone what I'm doing for privacy, jealousy, and hatred reasons. Since I share everything and try to be honest with my readers, I'm going to come out of the closet, so to speak, and let you know about my new gig: President Trump's Space Force. At work, I'm Captain leftystrat. You guys can continue to call me lefty, shithead, or whatever you call me when I'm out of earshot.

I was doing some contracting for the subcontractor of a subcontractor, when I was selected for the program. I'm told the president himself picked me, due to my great love of expanding government and outrageous expenditures funded by taxpayer money. In his wisdom, the President felt that someone endowed with my superior sense of sarcasm and love of government would be a good person to observe the program. As a patriotic American, I was proud to accept and will rise to the occasion, occasionally standing. Don (he tells us to call him Don) is a decent guy, with a great love of pussy jokes.

As a formality, I had to go through an intensive background check. They made sure my listed address was where the checks went. They also talked to my neighbors, who are either completely terrified of me or have no idea who I am. The 6'5" humongous black man who lives down the block works for the mafia and the NFL, which sometimes get confused. He's completely terrified of me. I let him borrow my weed wacker and he was hesitant to take it from my hands. Other neighbors know me only as Marshall's dad. Marshall's mom is incredibly popular with the hood, but parents pull their children into the house when I walk by. I don't know where the reputation came from but I enjoy the hell out of it: the social interaction is absolutely zero.

I got a really spiffy uniform with an actual patch. The Space Force logo is an eagle holding billions of dollars in its talons. At the front of the control center, the logo is a gray alien, with the words "Swamp Gas" at the bottom. The program labored to figure out an appropriate weapon for us to carry, so now we're equipped with super soakers, with Ray Gun written in magic marker on the barrel. More than one of us walking down a hall look most formidable, like Ghostbusters without the sense of humor or decent hair.

To be continued.....

• Bill Gates says the world is a far better place today than ever in history.
• Yes it is, especially if you have more money than God and Zuckerberg. (those two get mixed up sometimes).

A new Swedish law recognizes sex without 'explicit consent' as rape.
Nobody, including the person who drafted the law, knows what this means, other than a judge will have to decide whether there was explicit consent.
Sex in Sweden is about to get weird. And not in a good way. Read this in the voice of the Muppets' Swedish Chef:

HIM: Hello. Do you accept my hello?
HER: Hello, I do. Do you accept my hello?
HIM: I do. Wanna come back to my house for drinks and the possibility of some sex?
HER: I agree to go to your house for drinks but do not consent to sex at this moment.
HIM: I understand. Let's go.
HER: Let's go.

At his house...

HIM: I find there's nothing like chocolate whipped cream vodka to start the night off. Do you concur?
HER: I do not agree that chocolate cream is the best way to start the night, but agree to consume the beverage.
HIM: You are aware that this drink contains alcohol, which can impair your decision-making ability.
HER: I am aware that alcohol has those properties and also tends to make my panties disappear. That notwithstanding, I agree to drink it.
HIM: Excellent. Let the party begin!
HER: I agree. Let the party begin.

HIM: Would you like a third glass of vodka? We can switch to Swedish Fish vodka if you like.... our national beverage.
HER: Swe.. hic.. Shwede ka asheptbl.

HER: Where my und.. unddwr.. pantiesh go? Alwaysh do thish.
HIM: I would like to kiss you.
HER: Ag... aggg... concur.

HER: Now kish me downnnn air.
HIM: To be clear, are you asking me to perform oral sex upon you?
HER: Yesh.. lick mmm mah mmmmm pushy.

HIM: I would like oral sex from you. Is that agreeable?
HER: Ye yah ye no yes yesh, thatsh grand hic... no talkies wif mouf fullnphggggh
HIM: That kinda hurts. Can we have intercourse instead?
HER: yeahyeahyeahyeah putitinmenow hopontoppop
HIM: I just need you to fill out this form in triplicate, agreeing to intercourse, signing at the bottom and initialing at these seven spots.  If you think you'd like anal, initial here. If you'd rather wait and see, don't initial here but initial here.
HER: Yeah, whatevs.. are we gonnadoit now?
HIM: Almost there. What are we doing about contraception?
HER: No probs.. I'm on bill...
HIM: You're on the pill?
HER: No, I was on Bill earlier. And I gots wunna those fishing lures all the way up there, so we're good. Now plows me like middle eashters turned desert into an oasish.
HIM: Where do you want me to finish?
HER: left ear.. right ear.. someone's ear, yeah.
HIM: If we need a vibrator, lube, or barnyard animals, initial here.

One night of hellacious sex and one subpoena later....

JUDGE: Martin Smegma?
HIM: Yes, Your Honor.
JUDGE: you are accused of raping Miss Edith Hoe. How do you plead.
HIM: Not guilty.
JUDGE: Miss Hoe, what happened?
HER: I don't know - what happened? I can't remember anything but a really nasty headache.. oh.. that.... we went to his house, plied each other with liquor and he raped me.
HIM: Your Honor, I have sworn affidavits, showing a positive affirmation to each step of the process of consensual sex. The plaintiff has signed and initialed each form. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find an all night notary?
JUDGE: Mr. Smegma, I pronounce you guilty.
HIM: Your Honor? I have explicit consent. That's the requirement of the law.
JUDGE: Yes, but she got drunk and couldn't consent. Fifteen years in prison.
HIM: You're a prick.
JUDGE: Excuse me?
HIM: I said I think I'm going to be sick.

• What do you do with an invasive species of iguana? If you're Florida (uh-oh), you eat them. The McGuana, flame broiled Iguaper, and the deep fried iguana bits have become favorites at most restaurants (when dinner starts, about 4pm).
• They put Florida at one end and California at the other. This is either for amusement's sake or a cruel joke. Or both.

A study shows coffee may boost longevity.
Between coffee and sarcasm, I am creative and will live forever. [evil laughter]

• For the third time in South Africa, someone has been found alive in a morgue freezer, after showing no signs of life.
• Perhaps she read that Bill Gates said there's no better time to be alive.
• RUN... ZOMBIES!! VOODOO!!!! KOSHER BACON!!!!

Some dude who read the bible and just happens to be a marijuana scholar (a marijuana scholar?) said Jesus used cannibis oil to heal and it might explain some of his miracles.

Asked to point out where in the bible it says Jesus used it, he could not entirely pull out the word 'cannibis', but pointed out that Peter and Paul (before Mary) were sitting around, saying, "Oh man... this shit is great... did you say Jesus gave it to you? Does he have any more?"

And lo, Jesus turned to Peter and Paul and said, in his mercy, "Dave's not here, man."

I tested my new scanner when the printer came out of the box. It scanned and printed, which was really all I wanted. I am not that complex a person.

Unfortunately the forms I scanned in showed up rotated a few degrees to one side. This meant every line on the forms headed uphill. No one has ever seen documents like this, so it needed to be fixed. I re-set the form, made sure it lined up perfectly against the edges, and it came out heading uphill at a steeper angle.

The reason no one has ever seen documents like this is that any normal to complete idiot of a person places a document face down and it gets scanned perfectly. Unless you're this particular idiot. I manually rotated the paper ever so slightly then scanned again. Less uphill but still uphill. After a difficult long day, I had no patience left for lines going uphill. I became very upset. I said things to the scanner... things that, had I said them to the wife, would cause a divorce. Finally I got the document almost straight. Unfortunately there was a page two.. same process, but it was worse. More screaming at an inanimate object. Both of my deaf neighbors heard me. They were napping, hearing aids out, in rooms with windows shut, air conditioners on, and blankets covering their heads. They heard every word. I'm surprised the Word Police didn't stop by for another visit. Even threatening to grind the scanner into a fine powder did not intimidate it. Page two finally emerged, only slightly uphill.

I'm just going to spend the rest of the evening picking bits of printer/scanner out of the neighbors' houses. If I don't make any noise, they'll never know.