I Smell Nap

Your love is like  

Keith Richards: Arthritis changed my guitar-playing

Clapton has arthritis too. It's a crime.

People pick on Keith, but I aspire to be Keith. No, not the sheer amount of heroin ingested.. I want to make it to my 80s, playing guitar with arguably the most famous rock and roll band ever. If you ever doubt this, look at his face when he plays. He's got a huge smile; what more can anybody want out of life?  Well, he has a smile and more vintage guitars and amps than God.

• Still no Left Handed History Month....

People tell me I complain too much about the rain here, where England called and said it wants its weather back. Well, perhaps people would complain if anybody talked to me. With a fun fall fair this Saturday, Wife let me know it would rain this Saturday, like it has most recent Saturdays. I don't complain for no reason, not that it wouldn't be fun. Why Saturdays? Maybe because rain's just a throw of the dice every day here, where Seattle called and is jealous. Arizona called and laughed hysterically. Texas was laughing so hard, it couldn't pick up the phone to call. There were actually LIS (Laughter Induced Spasms). We are the tropical rainforest of Pennsylvania. It's very sunny and nice today, but that's because the weather knows we have nothing to do after work and is just mocking us.

Just yesterday I saw 2 occurrences of sun. They were swiftly and violently dealt with.

• Something came up the other day and I thought my mom would like it. Then I stopped short, realizing the call would be long distance, incredibly so. Guess I'll have to get used to that....

I just read a short story about defining moments in life. 

I'm trying to remember if I had any...by definition I had to....

1. first kiss and boom-boom, the girl who introduced me
2. graduating from taking apart vacuums to taking apart computers
3. adopting Joe Cocker Spaniel
4. discovering activities involving a dwarf, chandelier, donkey, and chocolate pudding

Send me a comment with a few of yours.

Prada to design Nasa's new Moon suit

JESUS CHRIST - why didn't you TELL US it had to keep air in? 

• Here is your reminder that there is no such thing as hate speech in the US: it's just speech you don't agree with.

Turn the tv off, please.

I would love to. Hmmm... how do we turn the tv off these days. Oh, I got it...  hit the remote. Now.. which remote? Where is it? Ok, I don't have time to excavate - I'll just go to the tv and power it off manually. Oh no, some sort of whipping arm for the armored blender is in front of the button. Obviously I'll have to move it first. I sure hope the power button hasn't moved - last time it took 2 weeks to chase it down: it had moved to the guest bedroom. 

RIP Suzanne Somers (77) - 2nd bout with breast cancer

Pr0n or Mainstream: in which there are 2 movies listed. Your job is to figure out which one is which..

1. Dad Crush
2. Crush Dad

President Giveaway will visit Israel as concerns grow over conflict escalating.

1. Even *I* don't think it's safe for him to go and would rather he do his damage from the White House
2. Oh God, how much is this going to cost us? 

New York Bill Would Require a Criminal Background Check to Buy a 3D Printer

New York is a really silly place. Apparently they feel inadequate in the silly department, to California and want to do something about it. A bill Would Require a Criminal Background Check to Buy a 3D Printer. Remember, this is the same place that outlawed 32oz sodas. Will soda intake be part of the background check? What if you're printed a lot in the past? You forgot to send your mother flowers for Mothers Day? You were late on your taxes? Buddy, you won't be able to buy a regular printer.

Son, We Need to Have a Talk About Your Flugelhorn

Your love is like   spaghetti, when it grows that blue fuzz

Today I identify as  pureed yak

Way back in the forbidden years known possibly as the 70s, there existed a place to buy electronic kits. It was called Heathkit and you could get everything from a clock to a tv to repair gear. People ignored the obvious conundrum that the price was roughly equivalent to purchasing a new, prebuilt thingie.

Now things have gone to hell, nobody cares about electronics, and it's extremely difficult to buy kits. Heathkit folded, stayed folded, continued to remain folded, then very quietly reappeared. True to form, you can purchase learning kits, a $125 LED clock kit, and a no-solder $149.99 AM radio kit. With no brick and mortar stores, maybe it's cost-effective. I can't imagine "these kids today" learning to solder....

Over on Ebay, where things are fun and people ask $50 for old magazines, occasionally Heathkit kits show up. It must be inflation, because they're going for over $600 for the tiniest of kits. I didn't do any Heathkitting, but it's nice to see.

I grew up with a soldering iron in my hand. Unfortunately, it took a while to figure out which end to hold, and to remember never to solder in shorts. I like to whip it out now and then (I also like to solder). If nothing else, it's a skill all musicians should have.

Also back in the 70s(?) was the digital watch. It's back, but no one knows why.

Dear lefty 

• Why are they singing in the rain?
• turkeys are so stupid, they don't come in from the rain. They turn their heads up to drink and can drown.

McDonalds plans to launch a plant-based burger - the McPlant

You're gonna McHate it! 

Collins Dictionary declare "Lockdown" as its word of the year.

runner-ups were blowfart, covid baby, respirator, Flying AIDS, and "that will not fit".

• Yes, science has given us nano-scale guitars that you can actually strum, but there is nothing that approaches the precision of my dog eating around the kibble to get to some tuna someone put in her bowl.

Some lockdown children in England are forgetting how to use silverware or regressing back to diapers. I know it's a different country, but don't they have parents there? 

ROME (AP) — A Vatican investigation into former Cardinal Theodore McCarrick has found that a series of bishops, cardinals and popes downplayed or dismissed reports of sexual misconduct with seminarians, and determined that Pope Francis merely continued his predecessors’ handling of the predator until a former altar boy alleged abuse.

These guys really jump on a catastrophe. Fortunately, this is the only instance of child molestation in the entire Catholic Church. Oh, I get it... this is like UFO Disclosure... 

• Keith Richards (1941-1975) does not own a cell phone. He is something to aspire to: 76 years old, playing music, and one of the happiest men on the planet. The best vintage equipment, and the ear of every manufacturer. He wipes his butt with $100 bills - he and Mick are the songwriters, so they get the cash.

I am constantly amazed that people, including school districts, use Zoom.

The FTC announced an agreement, covering their misleading statements on security. You should not be using Zoom. For anything.

• My neighbor's 13 year old daughter is getting bullied at school for being a Trump supporter. At least the kids are being indoctrinated into bullying, regardless of side. This will help them on social media.
• I didn't have a political choice when I was 13 - did you? I had just discovered the opposite sex was good for something other than ignoring me. In spite of my discovery, they continued to ignore me.

Speaking of which, men are stupid. Ladies, I do not want you to hurt yourself agreeing with me. Some guys just couldn't pick up signals, thus were fatefully ensconced in their basements and bedrooms for most of their lives. If I weren't with Mrs lefty, I'd be there. I am incredibly dense. If a woman were to come up to me with a sign that said, "I like you a lot and would love to do some mattress dancing with you," I would look around the empty room, trying to figure out who the sign was for, all while carrying on a perfectly normal conversation with the woman and wondering if she liked me. This started and continued through high school, when we'd talk on the LANDLINE with our buddies, going over the events of the meeting and whether we thought she'd be into us. "Well, she took her top off, but maybe it was dirty." "She invited me to go skinny dipping" but maybe she just didn't have a clean bathing suit.  This was before Tinder and random sex you videoed for Pr0nhub.

Looking back, the really cool girl in high school who wore what looked like a crochet shirt (full of holes) with no bra was telling me something. I say this because she told somebody years later. Cuz you know I sat there and discussed the shirt with her. 'Dweeb' comes to mind. A frying pan to the head should have come to mind.

This continued into (alleged) adulthood. I failed to pick up on absolutely any signs, no matter how loud. OK, there was one... a very brave lady came up to me at a show and said I was very good looking and she wanted to go out with me. THAT one I got. But first, I checked her pupils and made her walk a straight line. No coke-bottle glasses either, no legal blindness. Once, at work, a lovely lady walked up to me, kissed me on the cheek, and walked away. I figured that was a pretty good signal, but Mrs lefty disagreed, saying the lady probably lost a bet. That was cruel. The one who asked me to fix her computer appeared in a sheer bodysuit, which I just started to pick up on, but even I know that you never mix reproductive parts with people just this side of the Happy Place<tm>. Any other blogger would say "never stick your dick in crazy," but I go the extra mile for my readers.

Speaking of (musical comedy) shows, this apparently happened a lot at shows, but again, I was too stoopid to notice. This was pointed out by Mrs lefty, in a very amused way... "Didn't you see that?" What? "That girl, very interested in you." Where? "She was right in front of you." Well how was *I* supposed to know? Apparently this happened fairly regularly and I missed it fairly regularly. No way in hell I'd cheat on Mrs lefty, but it was nice to know someone thought I was attractive enough to give me signals I would miss. 

Thinking this over, I can strike up a conversation with a woman almost any time, in any situation, the weirder the better. It suddenly hit me, if I could use my comedic talents for picking up women, I'd be drowning in them. But if I tried to do this consciously, I'd clam right up. I probably missed out on many potential get togethers because there was no Mrs lefty there to tell me they were amused by me and primed for an exchange of numbers. 

There's something wrong with the Plan when it took me this long to figure things out and I've been married for xx years. 

Perhaps women should come with a sign of some sort.. a bit less subtle than flicking her hair.. after all, we're very dim and inexperienced. Maybe a large pin with half saying INTERESTED and half saying nothing. They can rotate it to the proper orientation and even the really st00pid guys will get the message. Nah, we'd just think it was set to INTERESTED for the last guy she saw and she forgot to set it back.

• on V-Day, Wife watched horrible old war movies. One thing about the Germans - they didn't have the courtesy to speak English.

Garmin added pregnancy tracking to their Connect app.

Because we not only don't want privacy, we demand we don't have any.

Ask Dr lefty

According to a study, the benefits of multivitamins 'may all be in the mind'.

Let's ignore the fact that the doctors recommend them... anything that is claimed to be all in the mind still works. It shows the body's power to heal itself. When placebos work, it's just the person healing themself. So take them.

My friend is a Weird Magnet: she attracts Weird. This has gone on since I met her, many many years ago. They come out of the ether to meet her. Our theory is that she exudes a Weird Vortex, which pilots their semi-faulty aircraft into her life. The latest is a guy she called in to fix up some hardwood flooring. She had to have him 'evicted' because he became convinced he lived there. This is only mildly Weird, as these things go.

Captivity - Day 79 Shove the Mask Up Your...

It's magnificent outside. This is just another magnificent day. It's been like this, except for the day 400,000 people lost power. All this great weather has people happy. Naturally I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Luck like this always comes with a price tag: I'm just looking around, wondering what the next weather aberration will be. We had a mild winter, and we're just above middle Atlantic, so it could snow. We did hurricanes and tornadoes last week. Rain is as present as bad game shows (redundant, I know). Maybe all the leaves will fall overnight, producing quite a surprise tomorrow morning. The dog is running around her yard, keeping the area safe from motorcycles and rodents. She's also eating birds, and her latest snack; bumblebees.

I'm reading last night and Wife puts on a bad game show called Tag. Tag. Tag?
I watched parts of the player intros, and boy were they scary. Men with more muscles than hair, women with more muscles with hair. Some of the women were downright... what's the word..... frightening. People can bench press hundreds of pounds, but I don't want a woman who can bench press me. Or whose penis is bigger than mine.

If Tag becomes popular, expect Celebrity Hopscotch, Washed Up Celebrity Charades, World of Wiffleball, Congressional Hide and Seek, and Military Eyebrow Plucking! This is just the first week.

Currently, Mrs lefty, who might have bumped her head, is watching the Game Show Network. Game Show Network ain't what you think. In fact, it has a surprise: the game shows are reruns. Reruns from the 1970s. You can watch strangely-dressed people, bizarre washed-up 70s stars. and prizes that will have you howling.. a Ford Pinto. A stereo console with separate speakers and an 8 track player! A washing machine. A plaid sofa (that looks like it got burned in a fire). As a history project, it's hysterical. Otherwise, it's like archaeology: the people doing it don't always understand what they dug up. You also make a fairly good assumption that the contestants, hosts, and washed up stars are all dead. You're watching history! The contestants are almost uniformly ugly, and their 70s clothing makes you want to crawl up the ceiling, like when you try to do your tax returns. 1 in 40 are actually kinda cute. Think about it: the cutie contestant is now a great grandmother. Or dead.*

I'm told there's a current one called Match Game. Once again, there is not an original thought in Hollywood. Match Game ran through the 70's, I believe. The title differed by the year... Match Game 73, Match Game 78, etc. Hollywood is reviving a game show that's roughly 50 years old. I can't wait for Star Wars 97  - The Latest Sequel. And Star Trek 104, where Kirk discovers Viagra; Spock gets phased (on stun), loses his memory, and makes a nice home with Sulu.



* I try to be scrupulously honest, so I want to make a correction: all of the celebrities on the game shows are not dead.. one was Betty White.

** In post-nuclear 2051, the cockroaches will be the only ones left alive. Except for that one house in Hollywood, where Betty White is shacked up. With Keith Richards.

You Gotta Love Blonde Asians...

An Australian lady went to Vietnam. Upon return, she got pulled aside for inspection. Turns out her boyfriend, a plastic surgeon, installed buttock implants in Vietnam.

Say it again: buttock implants.

We know they're not new, but think about it..it's inserting something pillowy in the body. Like breast implants... a few years back, a woman was arrested in Philly for doing butt implants, one of which killed someone.

Epilogue: the butt implants contained large amounts of drugs.

• A man proposed to his girlfriend in court. That's so romantic, ain't it? She was in court for stabbing him 13 times. That should be some marriage... all lawyers in the court gave him their cards.

This probably went viral last week... the 16 year old girl who called 911 because Daddy took her cell phone away. The policeman sternly explained that 911 is for real crimes and went on to tell the child that everything really belongs to Dad anyway - she's a minor.

I think she's due for a Learning Opportunity. She will work in a 911 center, shadowing operators and listening to actual 911 emergencies. Hopefully this will help her understand the difference. While she's there, she can help out by cleaning the bathrooms. 

Dear lefty:

• I try really hard to get my boss to like me. What else can I do?
• Nothing. Your head is already so far up her ass, when you sneeze, she burps.

As I type this, Betty White turns 97.

After the nuclear apocalypse, there will only be Betty, shacking up with Keith Richards.

There's a great article on a new treatment for PTSD. This poor Seal Team Guy has been experiencing all sorts of horrible PTSD, causing all sorts of horrible problems. He walked in, had a treatment, and walked out, happier than he had been since before joining the service. There are variations of this treatment, but it's basically shooting very minor electricity at your brain, via a small wand the doc holds. You are not physically touched, and there's a small noise inside. Some people don't get full relief immediately. One variation is in use, although who knows if insurance covers it. The name contains 'transcranial'. I can remember this, but have no idea what I had for breakfast. Or lunch. Or where my keys went. Did I remember to use protection? Will prayer be needed?

The funny thing is that the Seal described some of his major symptoms and I joked that after seeing the list, I must have PTSD. Somebody close, who shall remain nameless (but married me) looked at me as if I were a complete idiot (a look I see often) and said, "Duh - you scream PTSD. Sometimes literally."

Well gee, it would've been nice if at least one of 15 therapists told me this, before they all committed suicide.

• BULLETIN: The Canadian Winter Festival was cancelled due to heavy snowfall.
• The Pennsylvania Winter Festival was cancelled due to cold weather.

It was so cold yesterday...

HOW COLD WAS IT?

It was so cold, I had to run my hands under cold water to warm them up.

It was 7 degrees outside.

The poor dog, who came from down south, has never even heard of this temperature before. She never saw snow til recently. She wants to go back.

It got better later, when it finally hit 13 degrees.

It's not a climate - it's a plague.

• Today I beheld a tool that looked like a small chainsaw that goes on a pole. It looked like it might be fun at parties.
• At least it didn't take up more room than the hedge trimmer in the bathroom.

Dear lefty:

• Quinn Quinones, from Queensland, asks our opinion on climate change.
• Dear Quality: are you out of vegan shampoo again?

Arizona state Representative Gail Griffin(R) proposed a bill to require all computers sold in the state be locked from accessing porn. Users would pay a $20 fee to unlock it, which would go toward The Wall.

• I think the technical term for this is Blithering Idiot
• You cannot regulate access to porn anyway - it's impossible. Too many varied sources, with new ones popping up all the time. This is why filters don't work well.
• I believe regulation of access by the state is a 1st Amendment issue.
• If you build your own computer, will each piece be taxed? Will your video card be taxed more because it allows you to SEE porn? Will your mouse be protected from porn too?

I LIVE IN THE INDIGNATION

I often hear what my wife's watching on tv when I'm in the next room.
Most of the neighborhood can hear what my wife's watching on tv.
The 'news' provided some sickening material recently...  it was largely about viral videos. There is one about a high school kid smirking at an Indian guy and another about a large child dancing shirtless in a stadium.

I'm looking at this from as for above as I can... we are a nation of morons. I've said it before. Frequently. We're fiddling while the country burns. Think about it - we're absolutely fascinated by online videos, to the point it makes the nightly news. This also says something about the news. We are sitting wherever we sit, looking at a huge video site, picking out videos that amuse us. It's like a worldwide sport - all we're missing is Sports Hooligans rioting in the stands, although that would be a viral video too. Everyone's free to do what they want with their time, but we essentially watch Stupid TV to amuse ourselves. We have become fat and lazy, amused by video-lets. Does America riot when taxes are raised or levied? No, we're busy being hypnotized by YouTube, which is the next step from being hypnotized by the Boob Tube.  The people Up Top benefit from this. Less resistance to subjugating the Proles. Our tv's already watch us.

Having said that, YouTube can be an incredible asset: aside from entertainment value, the knowledge passing how-to videos are priceless. Never fixed a dryer before? There's a video for that. Oven's paint peeling? There's a video for that. Car making a noise like a pigeon being strangled? That one's about to be uploaded. Dads dancing, Guitar lessons, how to apply makeup for the cosmetically-impaired. How to dress like a ho and how this celebrity dresses like a ho. People hanging from very tall light poles, during a riot after a Philly team won a championship? It's all there. And viral.