Neon Insanities

 Your love is like  feral wombats

The House is currently brawling over vaccines. Naturally they have their own supply, but the bickering is fun. Some haven't reported getting the shot, some won't get the shot, some like to watch things burn, and the rest of them are banging gavels and asking when they can get back to screwing America in person

• No, the toothbrush is not heavier after it's charged

Today I identify as  some sort of delicacy involving testicles

The Netherlands (anywhere under my first girlfriend's clothes) and Ireland have suspended use of the Astra/Zeneca vaccine over blog clots (and blood clots). At this point there is no direct connection between the vaccine and the blood clots, other than people began clotting and had cerebral hemorrhages after they got jabbed.

The Big Answer came from the Vatican over gay marriage: in a two page explanation published in seven languages and approved by the pope was "No". The answer prompted shock among Catholics and non-Catholics the world over. The explanation was that they could not bless sin.

Still nothing on child molestation.

• An anti-mask airline passenger was charged after urinating in the cabin
• the passenger demanded his money back from the Donald Trump School of Charm

In San Antonio, TX, a ramen noodle shop was vandalized days after its owner spoke out against ending the state's mask mandate.

There is a ramen noodle shop? 

• a Florida woman pretending to be a plastic surgeon was arrested after a bad nose surgery
• there was a person in the chair when the police made the arrest, but the janitor came in and finished the surgery.

Today the president  planned the first major federal tax hike since 1993.

Allegedly over 50% of you voted for the old guy, and now I have to pay. Thank you very much.

Strip the pork out of the government, THEN we'll talk tax increase. There is not a responsible bone in any body in DC. Tax and spend and tax. And you keep voting for them. The libertarians would be slashing government, not raising taxes.

• The Oscar nominations are out.

Survey says!

The average single is masturbating three times a day amid the Flying AIDS lockdown. 3 in 10 are masturbating more than once a day. Only 14% are doing it once a day. 34% had their best orgasm ever. I'll buy all these statistics, but the one about 26% saying they're watching more pr0n is just silly. On average, singles haven't had sex with someone else for over 4 months. Married people are saying, "Only four months?".

America's Governor, Andrew Cuomo, reports he is not getting it at all, in spite of allegations from most of female New York. His ex wife slept in a locked bathroom during their divorce. The dogs ran when he got home. The housekeepers wore chastity belts. His garbage got picked up at 1am if there were female sanitation engineers working that night. Biden and Pelosi have stopped short of calling for his resignation (because his name isn't Trump). 

Kentucky continues its reaction to being last on the best states to live list.

The state senate approved a bill that would make insulting a police office a crime. Some senate members were deeply offended, claiming it was unconstitutional. Let's see... is it legal to talk to the police? Of course it is. Is it legal to say less pleasant things? Well, yes, but proving your point will probably earn you a night in jail or a ticket for something or other. The bill's sponsor is a former policeman. His next bill will make jaywalking a death penalty crime.

I always wanted to make not using turn signals a death penalty crime. No free speech issues there.

• The NCAA has called foul on a Virginia Urology ad campaign. Apparently "Vasectomy Mayhem" is too close to "March Madness" and people are too stupid to understand the difference. 
  
• It looks like Vasectomy Mayhem could do us some good

Breonna Taylor anniversary protest marches happened.

During the peaceful events, 2 protesters tried to destroy a police car and got run over because the car decided it was mad as hell and wasn't going to take it anymore. Several businesses in Hollywood were 'protested'. Yet another peaceful protester smashed up an outdoor seating area of a restaurant. Armed protesters blocked traffic in Louisville, and arson is suspected after a fire in a vacant church.

Peaceful protests have broken out in Tigray, where hospitals have been vandalized and looted, almost collapsing the healthcare system.

• DMT, a powerful psychedelic, is being tested as a potential cure for depression in England
• By coincidence, untold numbers of people are coming out as depressed

The National Transportation Safety Board blasted the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration for its permissive regulation of driver-assistance systems, specifically Tesla. Foregoing mention of the Tesla's propensity to burst into flames, they were more concerned about lax safety practices. The National Safety Traffic Board called out the National Transportation Board Administration for no practices at all and the National Driver-Assistance Explosion Agency was born. It will report to the National Highway Plane Landing Bureau, for safety programs when damaged planes try to land on highways. Land with the traffic, not against it.

• Live music is coming back to New York. Musicians are serenading passers-by from inside abandoned shops, through the glass windows.
• right after they pull Governor Cuomo off any female band members

We have Ebola. That's right, there's an outbreak in Guinea. Guinea is located just south of New Guinea. Genetic study shows the virus may have hidden in a survivor for 5-6 years. The unnamed man/woman came down with Ebola 5-6 years ago and was vaccinated with the Astra/Zeneca/Pfizer vaccine, which appeared to neutralize the Ebola. Little did they realize it was hiding behind the left kidney. When doctors checked to make sure the Ebola vaccine was effective, it moved behind a lung, until x-rays were ordered, at which point it hid under the right big toe. Whenever you see a discoloration under a nail, it's Ebola, hiding. You never know when it's going to pounce, but you will know when it has pounced. You start to bring up your internal organs (and toenails) through your nose and mouth, going into an infinite loop and infecting everyone around you and their toe or fingernails. It is always best to avoid people bringing up their liquefied internal organs, per the National Highway Safety Association.

• another thing I love about MS Outlook: when it brings up an email under the main window and you can't bring it forward
• I was only 15 minutes late for work today because of the Windows virus. All I needed to do was start the machine up. HA! One doesn't just start up a machine... there are tests... checks.. updates.. calls to Aunt Marge.. I shall just have to get up 30 minutes earlier in case Windows occurs.

I don't get this: Chinese smartphone manufacturer Xaomi was put on the Huawei (ban) list by the government and sued. There is a temporary hold on the ban. The company said the ban was "arbitrary and capricious," and deprived the company of its due process.

Errr.... what due process is a manufacturer owed? Huawei was banned because we don't want Chinese Spying Stuff in our networking gear. It was the right decision by Trump. Why, now, can't we make that decision elsewhere? What am I missing?

If you use SKY ECC for your encrypted messaging, you had better stop. Belgium and the Netherlands broke the encryption and monitored 70,000 users. The CEO was arrested under Racketeering laws. Essentially he was arrested because his secure messaging service was used by criminals and wasn't secure enough to keep governments out.

They will not stop til they have everything. Almost everything isn't good enough. For the time being, use protonmail.com. We are doing nothing wrong by wanting the privacy guaranteed us by the Constitution. Also: don't say anything in email you wouldn't say out loud. Somebody is or will be listening.

• A Faceyspaces study says a small group plays a big role in pushing vaccine skepticism. How did they discover this? By looking at your posts. They will not stop mining you. Will you stop letting them?

It's the little stuff, always.

I'm watching a Britcom called Raised by Wolves. I didn't really want to hear the songs I heard until "Show Me the Way" by Peter Frampton. It was the studio version off the Frampton album. Give it a listen - you'll hear a lot of the songs from  'Comes Alive' and a few more. Great stuff. Old stuff.

Why is it Always Semprini?

Ticketmaster, that evil entity that lets you think you can purchase overpriced tickets online, emailed to let me know that the Sixers' schedule is in.

I'm holding out for Hitler on Ice, Opera for the Attention Deficited, and Ballet: a brief 10 day course.



In today's IT report, shit got leaked, a credit security company put 1 million records online for anyone, and you have to approve a warning before you use your IoT stove. The stove will stop working if it can't get to the internet and will talk the other appliances into going on strike. So nothing new.

Faceyspaces has long denied shadowbanning.
This makes their new patent for shadowbanning somewhat suspicious.


You should probably wait to buy an oven that you can set to preheat remotely. The June oven has been turning itself on during the night and preheating to 400 for hours, after an update. June promises another update, but says it's a user error, not an oven error.

Need to reset your smart GE light bulb? Find instructions, turn on for 3 seconds, stand on left foot, swear you'll never buy a smart device ever,

• In case you somehow failed to discover it, here's a full list of Monty Python episodes.

Dear lefty

• Everything in the world that's happening has me worried. What do I do?
• Get drunk, mix with pills, drive, and yell at people. You'll feel better and won't remember any of it.

Having a good day today? Let me fix that....
Our good friends at the Army germ lab (Ft. Detrick) have been ordered to shut down research involving dangerous microbes like Ebola by the Centers for Disease Control. Did you ever think you'd see the day when the CDC could shut down the army?

In case you don't remember, Ft. Detrick is where the lab lost, misplaced, or was otherwise found to be short of all sorts of disease samples.  These people can't be trusted to secure a cold virus (which is precisely why they work on ebola).

Better now?



But wait - there's more! Hiding in plain sight!
The Pentagon is testing mass surveillance balloons over the US. It's in the actual non-fake news.



Over in New York's Hudson Valley, people are up in arms because the new tenants of a housing development will be Hasidic Jews. Can you imagine the furor that would erupt if the buyers were black and this was said? I'm surprised the Antisemite Squad hasn't been out. There doesn't seem to be any real reason for the uproar presented.... just a few minor complaints. Maybe the Antisemite Squad is right (this one time - don't cry wolf).

• Over at the airlines, support miniature horses are now allowed to fly. This gives me hope for my Emotional Support Elephant.
• A Fresno, California, man, winning a taco-eating contest, died. He choked on a taco. Usually when people die from tacos, it involves Taco Bell.

Joe Biden's (D-Molestia) people are talking about scaling back his appearances to limit gaffes. I say get him more appearances. This is the Joe Biden we know and love. The Joe Biden we expected. He's finally living down to his potential!


Groundbreaking sperm sorting could let parents choose the sex of the baby.
Can you imagine having that job?
What if they want to have a trans baby?




Let's talk pressure cookers, the Manhattan kind.

Mrs lefty said maybe someone got a good deal at a department store.
She's deadly sometimes.

The bomb squad eventually discovered the cookers were harmless.
Obviously this was a tasteless prank (my favorite kind).

We need to have a common sense talk about pressure cooker control.
Nobody needs 2 pressure cookers. Only the government should have pressure cookers.

The Pressure Cooker Pranker was caught, because of way too many video surveillance systems; both city and transit.  Yes, you're being video'd - but it's for the children.





Hero of the Stupid
A motorist was visited by the police and found to have EIGHT phones with EIGHT games of Pokemon going at the same time. In his defense, the fellow was pulled off to the side of the road - not driving. The policeman made him put his rig in the back seat before continuing. the picture is priceless.

Bill DeBlasio says he can beat Donald Trump because of his height. "The tall candidate almost always wins."





SJW Stuff

Humanoid robots modeled after white celebrities might be racism, according to a study.

NY university promotes paper comparing cow insemination to 'rape', and milking cows to 'sexual abuse'.  Apparently no one told them that calling it rape means they fuck cows.

A student built a 'Cry Closet,' meant to be a safe space for stressed out students.


Katy Perry has been accused of sexual misconduct. "Teenage Dream" costar Josh Kloss said Perry pulled down his pants at a party.  Back in the day, this was called funny, hijinks, and Good Clean Fun. Some would give their firstborn to be pantsed by Katy Perry.

Whale Hunting in Arizona

Playboy magazine will be dropping (fully) nudes. Now when you say you only read it for the articles, you won't be lying. New format to start in March, Hefner to be out of business by April.

• Leonardo DiCaprio will produce a film based upon an as-yet-unwritten book about the Volkswagen diesel emissions scandal. BANG! VROOOOOM! POP!  FTWANG! OOF! Nonstop action! Just as soon as the book is written. All the action, suspense and naked ladies you'd expect from a movie about a book about emissions testing.

A Guatemalan mayor was lynched by a crowd. This is the kind of participatory democracy in which we need to be involved. It's a model for the future. It will also have the unintended effect of keeping politicians 'clean'.

• The president made some candid comments, noting that he finds American's common skepticism of government "paralyzing." Coming up, Dick Cheney upset that people think he's mean.

America's mayor, Rahn Emanuel, blames Chicago crime uptick on officers second-guessing themselves. Office of the Mayor: shoot first, ask questions later.

• The rapper T.I. says "World ain't ready for a female president."  Yeah, boy... dem bitches don't belong in da (White) House.

SELFIE NEWS: Selfie-obsessed millenials are increasing opting for plastic surgery to improve photos. I don't even have to do anything - this stuff comes out weekly and writes itself. And teens spend so much time texting that some miss sleep.

• Because there's an open-carry policy at the University of Texas, gun-grabbing students intend to openly carry sex toys. Guns and dildos - an educational dream come true.  At the risk of sympathizing, I say if more sex toys were used, less shootings would occur.

Ladies - if you sniff this particular phallus-shaped mushroom, you will be highly aroused and have a fifty percent chance of a spontaneous orgasm. Plant them everywhere! Peace on earth!

• NOT Ok, Google: if you talk to your phone (not curse) using "Ok, Google," please be aware that Google stores everything you say to it. This is allegedly for accuracy and definitely for advertising.  Don't take my word for it - go ask Google. You'll find a list of every command given to it. You can opt-out but everything still gets recorded - only with an (allegedly) anonymous ID. Oh, your location gets recorded regardless (it's also available for viewing) whenever you speak, search via Google, Google Maps or other apps that have access to your location. [What does lefty do? The same thing he always does - shut that shit off. I can't deny that talking to my phone would be more convenient, as would getting directions, but not at this price.]

John Schindler, a security expert and whistleblower who now writes for The Daily Beast, has claimed that a senior EU official from an undisclosed country also inquired about impeachment proceedings, saying that the nation believes Obama is not fit for office. Why is it only foreign countries that recognize this?

• Apparently there's a chronic shortage of air traffic controllers, which has reached crisis proportions. This does not bode well for air travel. When you consider the news recently, with ground stoppages, 'glitches', hardware issues, and a seriously dilapidated, insecure, single point of failure infrastructure, you do not have a safe, secure, reliable platform. Do you feel safe flying? Are we going to wait until things collapse completely before doing anything? Probably. I just hope no one gets hurt.
• IRONIC UPDATE: A U.S. Department of Homeland Security computer system that checks airline passengers against terrorism watch lists experienced a brief service disruption. 

Writer Salman Rushdie says violence against writers and a misplaced sense of political correctness pose new dangers to freedom of speech in the West. BUT WE HAVE SELFIE STICKS!!!!!!

• Florida man (of course) arrested for DUI in motorized wheelchair. Kentucky, embarrassed,wants its title back.

Tired of debates and political bullshit? The one thing every candidate agrees on: Punish Edward Snowden. You voted them in. Now vote them out.

• NOTE to my loyal readers: Ebola lingers in semen for up to nine months. Let's not let Ebola become the latest STD, ok?

SELFIE TIME - fatality edition!

• two men in the Ural Mountains posed for a photo while pulling the pin from a hand grenade.
• a university graduate died after trying to take a selfie while hanging from a Moscow bridge.
• a 17-year-old boy fell to his death from a rooftop as he tried to take his picture for his Instagram page
• In the US recently a man died after shooting himself in the neck while taking a selfie. 
• officials at the Waterton Canyon in Colorado were forced to close the park after several people were caught getting a little too close to the wildlife.
• at Yellowstone National Park, officials issued a warning after five separate incidents of selfie-takers being gored by bison.
• In Australia, a rock that looks like a wedding cake was fenced off because too many people were climbing it to take pre or post-wedding photos of themselves.

non-fatalities (yet)

• a man taking a selfie while a bull charges at him
• a man posing with a lion 
• someone taking a picture in front of a train
• a woman taking a selfie of herself and her toddler while driving.

TOONZ:

PURE UNOBTANIUM: The question of where John Lennon's iconic Gibson J-160E acoustic/electric guitar went has been answered. The guitar will go up for auction, with John's widow getting half and donating it to her charity. The guitar is set to auction for between $600,000 and $800,000. Paul's stuff is cheaper and left-handed.

Original Lynyrd Skynyrd guitarist Gary Rossington (63) is under observation after a heart attack. Gary had previous heart trouble. Being a member of Lynyrd Skynyrd is even more dangerous than going hunting with Dick Cheney.

Having taken an obscure turn here and there, it's time to go mainstream.
The Allman Brothers have a very long history in music, as well as a lot of members. Although broken up as of this past January, the band will live forever. Shortly after achieving fame, original member Duane 'Skydog' Allman died, followed by bassist Berry Oakley. More recently, original guitarist Dickey Betts either left or was politely asked to leave, going back to his side project, Dickey Betts and Great Southern. At the time of their dissolution, Derek Trucks (slide guitar wizard and nephew of original drummer Butch Trucks) went back to the Tedeschi Trucks Band and Warren Haynes continues with his myriad projects (solo, solo band, Gov't Mule).

The definitive Allman Brothers live album is Live at the Fillmore. It comes right out of the gate with Statesboro Blues, featuring Duane's lyrical slide guitar and the ever soulful vocals of one of rock's best, Gregg Allman. Enjoy this full album and rejoice in some of the greatest performances in rock.

An Allmans staple is One Way Out. There's a man down there, might be your old man, I don't know.


Jessica, named after Dickey Betts' daughter, is a really hot instrumental which you'll recognize. Also featured on this track is a previous week's focus, Les Dudek. Instrumentals have an impossible time getting on radio but this one made it.

One of my favorite tracks is In Memory of Elizabeth Reed. I love the way it starts out slowly and ramps up to the solos. I love to jam along with this, pretending I'm with the band. I figure if you're going to dream, aim high.

An even better pretend rock star jam is Hot'Lanta. The interplay of the two drummers is apparent, plus the normal guitar heroics.

Guess which one is me....