More Fun Than a Miami Beach Weekend

 Your love is like  mennistration

• Miami Beach is on high alert as another spring break weekend starts...
• Officials are flummoxed - they didn't expect another weekend 7 days after the last one 

How does an 18 year old rack up 43 tickets? 148mph on a chase through NY, in his Infiniti. Social media helped identify him. The NY League of Luxury Cars will be picking up his tab. They can't believe that an 18 year old already shows the utter assholiness of drivers over twice his age.

• I don't know about you, but I'm vibrating, with the thought that there will soon be no more masks required. Then I can get back to guitar shopping, and complaining there's nothing there for me.

Sesame Street adds new muppets to teach race.

Dad, we have 2 new kids on the block - Luther and DeShawn. They're black.

How come DeShawn's dad sits home all day and Luther's dad works?

First of all, son, we're all the same. Understand that. Black people have a substance called melanin in their skin, which makes it black.

But Dad - if DeShawn's dad doesn't work, how do they always have the big TVs and new video games? Their car is nicer than ours.

Well, Son, it's like this..... go ask your mother.

"Cinderella" production canceled over concerns the cast is too white.

Especially Cinderella. Where do they get off making her white? Even though they're her sisters, why can't they be black? The pumpkin, when it turned into a limousine, had no shag carpeting or large chrome appointments. It didn't even have a musical horn. The footmen were white, which is good. There wasn't a single purple velvet hat with a feather sticking out of it either.

Chanhassen Dinner Theaters in Minnesota has decided to scrap the project and go with Footloose in 2022. They will need to wait that long to find a black Jewish lesbian that looks like Kevin Bacon. The Bacon character will discover that the school won't let her play her Biggie and Tupac jams. The entire school will learn to scream "That's Racist" and everything will be ok.

The initial idea was to cast a long-haired guy who wasn't allowed to play his Nordic Death Metal, but that was also deemed too white. Let's face it - they're right... how many black Nordic death metal fans are there?

A Boston high school's football coach was fired because his team used anti-semitic language on the field. Naturally, the Anti Defamation League is involved. The school itself is calling foul because there are no Jewish players in football or in the stands, so they wonder why there is any objection. The Anti Defamation League just knows...

• This will be absolutely shocking, but I'm having an issue with the work iDevice. I can't get it to ring. It blinks nicely, though. It's not a huge issue, as all I ever get is spam calls. Fortunately it dials, or at least it did 2 years ago, when I made my last call. My skin burns when I pick it up, so I avoid it. It's like when I go to the mall and there's an iStore- I have to stand far away from it or I start to sizzle. 

The Department of Homeland Security was put into place after 9-11 to spy monitor terrorist communications. Now they want to spy on monitor domestic terrorism. Scope creep in spying. Government overreach. Shock and surprise. And of course they'd never spy on innocent Americans, like the NSA.

• Something huge and invisible is making nearby stars vanish, scientists propose
• Rob Reiner unavailable for comment 

Bill Gates says world should be 'back to normal' by end 2022.

Biill Gates - amateur virologist, professional rich person, philanthropist, and man to be tried by the World Court for crimes against humanity (Windows).

• a gene defect may make rabbits do handstands instead of hop
• after a liquid Friday lunch, scientists tried implanting the defect in giraffes

The Suez Canal remains blocked by the ship whose captain invested too heavily in mushrooms. 706 cubic feet of sand needs to be removed to get the ship through. The ship is doing its best to get out, but the real problem is the other ships rubbernecking.

Seniors who got vaccinated and are going back out into the world are freaking out their children, who want to control them to keep them safe...

Dad, I told you no going outside til you had your vaccine!

But sonnnnn.. I got both shots.

Dad, you will stay inside. It's for your own good.

But whyyyyyyyyy?

We don't really know how safe anyone is after the shots.

But Son, the vaccine companies just got around to telling us we're safe.

FINE. But I want you to wear a mask!

I don't WANT to wear a mask.

Dad, how many times have I told you to be safe?

But I got the shots....

And stay close to home. 

But I had a date in the next county over.

NO.

I hate you, Son. You ruin EVERYTHING.

Relationships

When they first got together, he'd say good morning. She had a look in her eyes and said, "Wanna?"

Many years later, he'd say good morning. She had a look in her eyes and said, "Coffee?"

Are you an uneducated coward, threatening Asian-Americans by spraypainting their businesses or using social media? Be careful - they're hiring security and buying guns. Better yet, go ahead...

• Amazon denies workers pee in bottles
• "You don't really believe the peeing in bottles thing, do you?"
• Once caught, Amazon said that's it's not what it looks like: it's not because employees can't go to the bathroom - it's for drug testing.
• Oh.

The latest from Billy Gibbons (ZZ Top), off his upcoming solo album

Hollywood 151

No doubting who it is with your eyes closed

Notable is drummer Matt Sorum, formerly of Guns N Roses

Only One More Day of Medicare Commercials!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Your love is like  a warehouse full of empty fire extinguishers

Our long national nightmare is almost over. The Medicare open enrollment period ends December 7th, also known as the day the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor  (United States). I am not enough of a historical buff to know if there is a causal relationship. I do know that if the country is subjected to one more day of Medicare commercials, violence will ensue. People who were non-violent hippies long before long hair will take up arms.

My buddy asked me to pass along a warning for you: take your antidepressants every day, or you'll wind up crying at tv commercials and inconsolable when you realize that your new shoelace will break some day. However, no matter how sad you are, you'll still become enraged when you see a Medicare open enrollment commercial. 

Today I identify as  the pointy bit of the bomb that explodes first

The Flying AIDS has put an incredible strain on marriages, with many unable to stand it. Divorces are up 70%, according to one law firm. In order to keep things calm and keep families together, here are a few things that might cause upset, so you know to avoid them:

• Spouse's girlfriend
• which way the toilet paper faces
• who hasn't shaved in 17 weeks
• if I see that t-shirt again....
• if they could only put a pot on the stove and open a can..
• do I look like their bloody maid?
• a highly unstable marriage to begin with(?)
• too many Medicare commercials

Philadelphia is known as a city of neighborhoods.

Well, it seems the Delaware County neighborhood just paid $500,000 ransomware.

Speaking off the record, the other neighborhoods were surprised the thieves asked for and got that much,

• What is Krampus, and is it related to the Kraken?
• do either have anything to do with Dutch Heavy Metal? Cuz it sounds like they should.

Another interesting bit of synchronicity...

I was typing some Ufo Stuff the other day. Today social media is atwitter (see what I did there?) about an object in a picture taken through an armed forces fighter plane. Although it's early, we'll see the Usual Circus, featuring the Usual Performers: show hosts screaming DISCLOSURE!, no comment from anybody who could shed any light on anything, the Denial Squad (it was a lenticular Chinese lantern), and maybe even a few cooler heads (this is what one of those weird balloons looks like and this is what the object looked like - make your own decision).

The thing that hit me first was that thing didn't look like it belonged there. It was kind of a triangle shape, with possible points coming out of the sides. It was odd to me that with all the millions of dollars of meters, sensors, and coffee makers on the plane, the picture was taken with the pilot's phone. I certainly have no idea what it is, nor should I. However... stretching the already faulty memory baaaaack a few years, there was an announcement of an aircraft (Air Force?) that was going up, but the purpose was confidential. It was a triangular affair, possibly unmanned, but might be able to stay up for a long time. Looked like a triangular wing that had put on a few too many pounds.

Or, you know... the aliens are messing with us again, sailing their drones in our atmosphere.

Back to everyone's favorite topic - the Flying AIDS, Pfizer's chairman said "We're not sure if someone can transmit after jab..." He said they were also unsure of side effects, but no one cares and no one can sue them for anything nyah nyah. The vaccine comes in 2 doses and was genetically engineered to be as painful as possible to receive.

Healthcare workers will be getting the stab first. This caused someone to worry about side effects, for what could be the first time. Think about this - healthcare workers may be sidelined due to side effects (screw the public). I can't find fault with the vaccine and expect patients lining up for the latest from Bill Gates to completely overlook green skin, zombie appearance, and dropping limbs from healthcare workers who have already received their shot. Remember KMart? Remember mild and meek old ladies going full Predator during a blue light special? Jab Days are going to make that look like a bad 8-bit video game. Oops - Pfizer slashed its vaccine numbers in half because certain raw materials didn't meet its specs. This surprised pharma insiders who feel the spec was simply showing up.

Idiot Governors and Idiot Mayors all over the country are coming up with wishful protections against the Flying AIDS, none that do more than interfere with your rights. California's Gavin Newsum mandated masks indoors, with double masking in the bathroom and triple-masking in the bedroom. This order supersedes Newsum's last order to wear masks indoors when awake. He is meeting with councils of governors all over the country to figure out new and more invasive laws that are just as useless as the old invasive laws. Don't count Gavin out, though - just when you thought he couldn't out-stupid himself, he rises to the occasion. Meanwhile, anyone going or staying anywhere must wear a bubble boy suit. Since more people=more Flying AIDS, families will be restricted to 4 people. If there are more than 2 children, excess will be quarantined in friendly Flying AIDS Camps and returned to their families. Eventually. This applies to 100% of California households, unless the house belongs to a politician, or unless the children under 5 are trans.

Biden asked Fauci to stay on as chief health adviser.

He also suggested the letter agencies "Continue to do what you do best"

and asked Trump to stay on as White House Communications Coordinator.

A little levity for you: there is a United Nations Committee on the Peaceful Use of Outer Space. Although it's difficult to get information, I can tell you the chairmen are John, Robert, and Ted Kennedy.

• The mayor of Austin, Texas, stressed the need to stay home. While he was vacationing in Cabo. The Elite strike again.

Dear lefty  

• What do I do when my 65 year old mother invites her 66 year old boyfriend, Melvin, over for dinner? Do I have to eat with them?
• While the polite thing to do would be to eat with them, the fun thing starts with piping in fart noises to the table. Set them off at just the right moment. Unless they're really weird, they will be terribly embarrassed. Then throw a little hot pepper in each dish. Finish up with the dessert you so kindly made in their honor: vomay soufflay. I guarantee this will never again be an issue for you. Or just go to McDonalds, cuz that's all you deserve.

We're fast approaching the most popular season on the calendar. We refer to it as such because working people get 2 days off, 1 week apart. Some spend their entire working year working up to this...

• What do you get a service elephant for the holidays? Iqbal is very quiet, shy, and happy to do his job, but I want to show him that without him, there'd be very little me.
• While we're at it, what do you get a wife for the holidays? No, don't tell me. I'm going to guess this year.
• Once again, as we ponder the Great Questions at this Great Time, we remember that in multiple personality disorder, sometimes some of them tell me what the others want.  Since nobody wants anything this year, I'll have to get really creative.
• Uranium reaches 'critical mass' at 25lbs, then goes nuclear, so to speak. Although the Science hasn't been done, it has long been suspected that shoes reach critical mass at 2,347 pairs. For self-protection reasons, I'm going with jewelry this year. There are entire turquoise (and anthrax) mines taking weekly video calls with Mrs lefty. That woman is the most popular person no one has ever seen.

Of course it'll be time to act social again too.

I've been excused from social activities since men walked on the moon, due to my tendency not to show up, but I'm really trying, for Mrs lefty's sake. Unfortunately, Mrs lefty's family has things set up in a rather.... complex manner. Since most of the family is in one area, most holidays are spent at the house of the 1 family member not in close proximity to anything (except the next state). When you drive there, you figure you have to have driven so long that you're 2 states over, but no.. you're in the same... state....

One reason I don't show up at gatherings is that I'm not like the others (no, really). Being the AntiSports confuses people and they sit there, trying to discuss sports with me. They're all very nice people, but they want me to drink, so much so that I guard my backside, lest they get too insistent and want me to take some home. There are a ton of those aluminum troughs, with the burners under them, to keep them warm. Uncle Bob also has a burner under him, but we suspect it's for different reasons.  There are more gray meatballs than sold in every convenience store up and down the east coast for the 3rd quarter of the year.  As if being the AntiSports weren't bad enough, they make fresh kielbasa and sauerkraut. I take one taste of it and say I really like the kind of smoked kielbasa I get off the store shelf. If that's not enough to get me dis-invited til next year, I ask for a coke or some soda that isn't diet. The entire house goes so quiet you can hear the carpet growing and I tell them it's ok, water is great. If we need to leave in a hurry, I ask for some lemon for my water.

The kids and I have an understanding: don't bother me and I won't bother you. Unfortunately their parents are nowhere near as wise. Bless them, they really do try to make conversation... "Don't you do something with computers? Aunt Ida has a computer. It'll be the death of her." "Which version of Windows is the best?" "So you're working at home now. How do you get anything done with your wife...."

Mrs lefty has a Theory: they will tolerate anything short of 1st degree murder, because I took her off their hands. And 1st degree is negotiable. 

Mrs lefty has another Theory, but I don't know how to document it in serious-looking symbols. Given 2 bathrooms, one will be located up a set of stairs that's physically harmful to ascend, to anyone with a back problem or who just likes saying they have one. Given these same 2 bathrooms, if one goes out of order, for any reason, it will be the one easier to get to. Given any bathroom out of order, bodily functions will get together to have a laugh at your expense, by requiring the use of the facilities NOW, instead of climbing 492 stairs. So keep your toilet(s) in perfect working order, lest you have to clean the steps too.

Yeah, you're not... you probably shouldn't.. don't get involved in... whenever you need to do something online....  

.... like Amazon, you put in what you want and I'll hit the ORDER button," said Mrs lefty. "In all the time I've had an Amazon account, I've never seen the trouble you had in the past week. Had I ordered it, it would all be here now, creating a trip hazard in the middle of the floor."

She's probably right about ordering.

She's absolutely right about the trip hazard.

I think I just broke the Amazon Delivery Uncertainty Principle.

The item that was going to be here Monday, then Tuesday or Wednesday, is now in some sort of Quantum Hole that exists somewhere between Sent and Delivered, only they can't tell me where. When I went to track it, the first thing I saw was a bold "Your package may be lost." Wow, honesty. But later on they allowed me to cancel it (even though it may still arrive); however, they cannot simply replace it. This is getting somewhat circus-ical. 

So I canceled. Have you noticed that your credit card is charged immediately for purchases, but must wait 3-10 days for refunds? Have you noticed that the entire matter would sit, wither, and die unless I researched it? Kinda like healthcare. i got another email, telling me a purchase would take an additional week, due to the Flying AIDS. Uh, folks... the Flying AIDS is almost a year old, and no surprise to even people in vegetative states. Why did it suddenly lengthen delivery for the English Cocker Spaniel tire jacks, after ordering them?

While this is going on, the AntiSports discovers an NFH team guitar strap. I wisely had Mrs lefty hit the ORDER button. There's one nephew off the list.

Target is selling Marshall amps. This is a bit odd, like Circle K selling sports stadiums. Since their inception in the 60s, Marshall amps have been sold at music stores. No one would even think of going to Target for an amp. Marshall amps are those huge, black behemoths, with white script lettering, behind bands serious about their tone. You can't miss them. Your ears can't miss them either - they have caused more deafness than hearing studies with naked mole rats.

But it's not always me. This week, it's Mrs lefty's turn. Wherever she goes, stuff falls off shelves or generally launches itself at the ground. The problem is, she's never touching any of it. It's like a whirlwind that sweeps up anything not nailed down and deposits it, very loudly, on the ground. Because of the screaming after the falling, the neighbors think we are fighting and throwing plates at each other. Nothing could be farther from the truth: the dog and I are hiding under any piece of furniture large enough to protect us from Angry Flying Detritus (AFD). She actually asked me to make her a cup of coffee, so all the cups in the cupboard didn't launch themselves at the floor and we'd have some plates left. It's getting bad. It started with stuff in the fridge and freezer launching itself when she opened the door. Now it's a free for all and we're doing our best to keep her out of the kitchen. Not that the phenomenon is confined to the kitchen. It also transmits by proximity: I was eating something and a piece of it flew off the plate, getting crumbs all over my clothes and everything else in its path. The 4 churches in the neighborhood have joined the 4 drive-thru beer distributorships in staying away from our house, out of fear and panic. We tried to sage the place, but the sage stopped burning and there was some particularly nasty laughing joining the normal particularly nasty laughing. 

And when I took a look in my Amazon recommendations, there were pink women's sex toys and home repair Stuff. I don't like pink and find the idea of home repair repugnant, distasteful, and way above my meager abilities.

So yeah, I shouldn't be pushing ORDER buttons on online orders.

Don't say a prayer for the atheist patron saint of ThermionicEmissions, Frank Zappa, who died on this date in 1993. The world will never see another.

During a week when I've had trouble with everyone and everything, I figured something out about Windows. First of all, Bill Gates should be branded a war criminal for vaccines and for Windows. One of the constant agitants of Win 10 is the shutdown process. Windows is the only operating system on the planet that needs to 'get ready' to shut down - all the rest shut down. We know when we tell it to just shut the $^$@ down, it will decide it wants to install upgrades. You cannot stop this. Last week I shut it down with the option to install updates: it didn't update anything and shut right down. This week there was no option to update (YAY!), so I just shut down. It then 'got ready' to shut down, first installing updates. The pure evil and cleverness of the exploit cannot easily be put into words. Sometimes you have to respect the work of your enemies (of humanity), and this is one. The other being, of course, Medicare open enrollment.

ThermionicEmissions bids a sad farewell to Bob the cat. Bob owned 2 of our friends far away. He was a somewhat large, very fuzzy black cat, with quite a great personality - almost doglike. He sat on your lap, stole things from the table, and seemed to be friends with everybody. Bob left quietly, in the arms of his people.

I Got a Job Hammering Dulcimers

Your love is like mayonnaise on peanut butter



Dear lefty

• Why do people from other countries come to this blog?
• clicking on bad links, searches for service elephants, 3D printed chicken nuggets, the Ministry of Silly Hats, boob-shaming, or bladder leak underwear 

Russian interference in the election continues, with the revelation that thousands of Russians watched the debates. [Stosh said to Pavlov, "If Americans believe this iznuryat, they're interfering in their own election."]

In other Cyrillic news, Russia plans to release the early Flying AIDS vaccine data. Aside from the fact that the vaccine doesn't work and it's too early to have accurate results, the vaccine is a big success.

There are very slight differences between Russian and American governments. A rocket launches, then promptly fails to remain airborne, crashing into a small city. In Russia, the event never happened. In America, the crash is highly publicized, the government pays millions to the city, and the budget for NASA is increased by billions because of redacted for national security reasons.

• Credit where it's due: a senator asked the Department of Homeland Security if foreign-controlled browser extensions threatened the US. I think most of Congress couldn't identify a browser extension, so kudos to him.

If you think you have to get up early, witness the plight of Space Station astronauts, who were awakened to look for an air leak.

Uhhhh.... Space Station.. this is Houston. THIS IS HOUSTON. GET UP, SLEEPYHEADS. Sorry to wake you, but it seems there's a bit of an air leak we'd like you to locate. No problem if you don't want to get up, but don't expect to get up again. Ever.



Eating at the Blue Sign

Recently we went out for dinner, to iHops, for pancakes. They're starting to allow dine-in (picking up pancakes to eat at home just doesn't seem right, plus we lost the ancient recipe to make them at home). They almost seemed surprised that we wanted to eat-in. The atmosphere was pretty creepy or downright silly, depending on your point of view. The buffer between aisles was covered with huge rows of plastic wrap. I suspect that this was not for wrapping up your food for the dog. There were 2 other diners, seated roughly a half mile apart, to satisfy social-distancing regulations.

The menu went from a hardback 23 page, full-color spread to a nearly colored table mat. Oddly, they still had our favorites, along with deep-fried chicken, deep-fried burgers, deep-fried grease bits, and one chicken sandwich that wasn't deep fried (it came wrapped in bacon). I particularly love the mandatory caloric information next to each dish, along with the occasional SODIUM WARNING. This was added by nosy, busybody politicians, because people don't know that chocolate chocolate chip pancakes with chocolate whipped cream, floating in Real Imitation Maple Syrup is high in calories and not particularly good for you. My favorite thing on the menu was the discovery that the healthy pancakes had more calories than the chocolate ones. The only WARNING missing was that you should avoid the iced tea lemonade unless you enjoy the taste of convenience store plastic bottled lemonade. I don't know this for a fact, but I suspect the eggs come from cardboard or plastic containers, containing the minimum amount of Egg Product allowed by the Food and Drug Administration. They taste sorta like egg-like substance, but not enough for me to order one. Mrs lefty likes the pancakes that smile at you, if only as a reminder to take her meds.

We got the finest plastic silverware: it was black, in support of Black Lives Matter. It came in its own, germ-resistant plastic packet. The waitress asked us if we had iPhones, because we could order online. Everybody vigorously shook their heads no. Aren't we paying for (and tipping) a waitress? The instructions said that we had to enable location, wireless, and give it full access to our addressbooks. I was beginning to think we were at a walk-in Faceyspaces. Aside from the plastic-wrapped dividers, the waitresses were all wearing masks. We felt particularly protected, especially when we saw all the waitresses were not covering their noses with their masks. Remember the choice of syrups in those wicked containers that were usually close to empty? The waitress brought out 2 small, round, almost to-go containers of maple syrup only.  Someone complained the coffee was watery. Well, you like convenience store coffee, so why are you complaining? It's all colored water anyway.

Fortunately the food was the same as we remembered it, even if it was served on small paper plates, delivered by a waitress from 6' away, with some sort of long-arm contraption so she didn't have to get anywhere near us. I don't blame her, but for other reasons.... I wouldn't want to wait on me either. I don't look like the kind of person you'd want to wait on, in spite of my sweet, genteel manner, good looks, and refined fashion sense. On my best behavior, I didn't curse out loud once, attracting the attention of the entire restaurant.

Between 2 recent excursions to eat at restaurants, I decided to give up until the Flying AIDS has passed and we can all eat together, with metal silverware and waitresses that aren't afraid to come near the tables. Then I can go back to complaining about the noisy little f-ers that always get seated next to us, whose parents seem unaware of their screaming, which can be heard over a plane taking off (or an Ozzy concert).

• Tesco, One of the World's Largest Supermarket Operators, Sets 300% Sales Target For Plant-Based Alternatives To Meat
• Unfortunately, Tesco's customers set a 300% sales loss, because the stuff tastes like meat-flavored plants, only not as good.

Noted scientist, virologist, and war criminal, Bill Gates, has come up with a 3 point plan to rid the world of the Flying AIDS. Many suggest we'd be better off ridding the world of Bill Gates.

With the lack of actual ticket sales and running out of government bailout money, airlines are running Fights to Nowhere. You get on the plane, take off, see some stuff, then land. Highlights include:

• higher ticket prices than Flights to Somewhere
• that same airline food you know and love
• DISCLAIMER: if you bring luggage, there is no guarantee it will be lost
• the Miss Arizona SCUBA Team pageant
• TSA screening takes no time, including the prostate check (you too, ladies) 
• with early booking, you can request a child to scream and kick your seat, or a grossly overweight person to sit next to you
• No masks required on Covid flights
• Deplaning made faster and easier. With parachutes.

Because California has been out of the Crazy News for a few days, they just announced they'll house prisoners based on gender identity, not biological sex. Are they going to provide runways for prisoners who identify as F-15s? 

• Kylie Jenner's makeup company warns of a data breach.
• Asked for comment, Ms. Jenner said, "What's a data breach?"

Happys 

Buddy Rich - the drummer

Johnny Mathis - chances are he's 85

Marc Bolan - no longer banging a gong

Less Happys 

Mac Davis - heart surgery a few days ago

Mary Ford - wife of Les Paul, helluva player

Black Lives Matter have chartered a Russian Rocket (because American rockets are full of white privilege). They are planning to go into space and put on a massive protest because black holes are racist.

Pundits say the protest will be marred because many have suggested BLM take a rocket somewhere anyway, and because black holes tend to suck anything around into them, especially Marxists. There is no way to peacefully set fire to a black hole, which will also come as a surprise to BLM.

Dog - The Smartest Person in the House

Russian interference in the upcoming election has taken a step up, with several Russian IPs accessing Google, with the phrase 'how to hack american election'.


Your love is like a shot to the groin



Dear lefty

• What are you doing for Halloween?
• We got some of those huge bags of candy to give out. We're going to sit there and eat them.

Halloween's coming.
I know this because last month the candy displays were up at the grocery store.
So.....
Halloween in the age of the Flying AIDS.
Virtual trick or treating? Is there an app for that?
Perhaps technology will help - kids can stand at least 6' from your door and send a drone to get the candy. Maybe a 6' grabber, like the ones to get things off tall shelves.

Hospitals used to xray candy for free. If you want an xray, your copay will be $450. Will they test your candy for Flying AIDS for free?  Do you need to take the temperature of the person giving out candy at every house? Does every piece of candy have to be disinfected, in case someone breathed on it? How do hundreds of children incorporate a mask into their costume?

• The president has gotten more excited about Space Force. Apparently the aliens have been buzzing the Space Station again.

Yeah yeah, I'm always late to the party.
I know the Tonight Show is on but I've never seen any of the last few versions.
Until last night.

This is not 'old person telling kids to get off his lawn' - this is 'they call THAT a tv show?'

A split screen with the host on the left and guest on the right, talking from home.
When they went to commercial, a shot of a dude in his home studio, playing the guitar. He's the 'band'.

No. This is not a tv show. Especially one with a heritage that goes back waay before any of us were born. You can no doubt find clips with Steve Allen or Johnny Carson - funny stuff. Jay Leno too. This 'adapt to Flying AIDS' tv is sad, to be polite. Local news is also a parody of itself. I am not suggesting the host and guests shoot themselves - maybe just a hiatus. Although....

• I was raised well, in spite of what you read here. While at the mall for the first time, I yawned and went to cover my mouth. Stupid masks.

Today's best auction item: you can get the receipt for the purchase of a 1963 left handed guitar for only $500. Bargain at half the price. If you can't stand that kind of magnificence, you can opt for the $100 Ford Tractor receipt from 1950.



Today's best phrase: My parents were Chinese orthodox Jews from Iran.
I heard this because I'm not feeling well, so my darling wife decided to cheer me up with a nice tv show about the Holocaust.

Chinese Jews.
This lends itself to all sorts of jokes that would never be tolerated in public.

What do you get when you combine the Chinese with the Jews?
The owner of a car dealership who can't drive.

But I'd never lower myself to that level.

• And another thing.
• Working from home has been the greatest thing ever to happen to meetings. You can nap for the entire meeting, with no fear of anybody catching you. Not so much as a yawn, plus you get credit for attending. If you must use video for meetings, forget anything I said. Or get a picture of yourself and put it in front of the camera, then snooze blissfully. If anybody asks you a question, ask them to repeat please, because you're having audio issues.

Working from home is not all peaches and cream.
People are starting to resent workers who are also parents, as they have to juggle both jobs. Trust me, juggling children is not something that should be done at home.

You also have to adapt to normal business practices. H/R now sends you Black Lives Matter flyers to print out and hang in your office. I got one today for Prostate Cancer Awareness Month. It will look fabulous next to my Worldwide Women's Breast Awareness poster. After last week's meeting with H/R, I no longer want to send them a picture of my prostate. Ok, I really do, but I'm not going to. My boss calls that 'growth'.



I just like to watch things burn....
The president was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for the Israel/UAE peace agreement. The silence is deafening. I said last year that if Trump achieved peace in the middle east, people would find a way to fault him for it. On the 4th, Serbia and Kosovo agreed to normalize economic ties, in a US brokered deal.

Yeah, but why did it take him so long?
If Obama was president for life, he would already have it done.
Look at that tie!
He's an antisemite. No, wait... he's sexist.
Notice he hasn't brought peace to any latin countries. He's still a racist.

I'm still voting for Jo Jorgensen. We have the highest debt ever, we still have war or troops in more countries than we all have fingers. Civil rights are being shredded daily. You were just held prisoner in your own house. Government is the largest it has ever been, and only grows. 



You think your day was bad?
A Tennessee woman got test results saying she is positive for the Flying Aids.
She can't read the letter because she died in February.
The test was in June.
She anticipated the outcome: the letter said she had to isolate.



I hate Windows. Bill Gates should be tried as a war criminal.
Put in password, connect to work. Oops, it won't connect. Shock.
I've had it - just reboot. Since I was in a hurry, I selected "reboot without updates", so it sat there, staring at me for a few minutes before it performed the updates I told it not to, then finally rebooted, at which point it did a few more updates. Then it sits there and mocks me, while 'checking my status.' It knows full well that my status is 'sitting there, staring at it, wanting to reformat it and install linux,' but I'm still on probation for the last time I did that to a work computer.

This took 20 minutes.
I managed to get to my meeting exactly a few minutes late, as everyone was having their virtual coffee and discussing which words and phrases we should not use at national meetings (usually this part of the meeting focuses on me). The meeting, like most meetings, came complete with sound effects. The first one sounded like somebody dragging chains across a steel floor, then repeatedly throwing them up in the air. The owner of the noise apologized for his cat. Oh. We realized it wasn't chains - it was the cat playing a tambourine. This is a very interesting feline: normally it makes a noise like a baby screeching. Then comes the ocean noise.. kinda like a waterfall at its loudest point (turned out to be a coffee maker). This alternates with the construction on someone's home addition and minor demolitions testing (gotta keep the kids occupied). My coworkers told me not to say anything, because the last time, it only got worse. Plus all the noise is from The Boss.



Birthdays

Otis Redding
Buddy Holly (would be 84)
Ron 'Pigpen' McKernan - Grateful Dead
Ben Orr - Cars (sang "Who's gonna drive you home")
Chrissie Hynde - Pretenders
Joe Perry - Aerosmith


Checked Out

Keith Moon - Who?
Warren Zevon - Werewolves of cancer
Ernie Ball - pioneered development of guitar-related products
Hughie Thomasson - Outlaws
Diana Rigg (82) - The Avengers



SJW Stapling

Employees of the nonprofit DoSomething, which markets itself as "the largest tech company exclusively for youth and social change," are walking out today in light of allegations of racial abuse and toxic work culture at the company.   You will no doubt remember them as the company that pushed Apple to diversify emojis.

Hollywood is adding affirmative action rules to the Oscars

Practicing Good Nasal Hygiene

Your love is like  a serious breathing difficulty, like COPD.


Happy Labor Day! The day we celebrate labor by not working.



According to the New York Post, toilet paper to New York's homeless, JFK's grandson is the last hope for the Kennedy Dynasty.  Before he runs for office, he wants it known that he's a great admirer of the mafia, thinks any old war is ok, does not want to talk to Russia about cooperation in space, and promises not to sleep with anyone's wife, girlfriend, or really hot celebrity. He doesn't even think LBJ's hat was stupid, although the jury is still out on LBJ himself.


Dear lefty

• You need a woman's viewpoint here.
• You need to adjust your meds.
• But seriously...
• The comments section has been open for 9 years. Fire away.

Wanna see a magic show? A show that invalidates math? Watch one of those public television beg-a-thons, especially the ones featuring music. I don't know how they do it, but they put on huge concerts, featuring artists who had hits before you were born. They have to get the best musical historians to dig up (literally, in some cases) the singers and bands that play these songs.

Remember the Kingsmen? You remember their only hit: Louie Louie. The vocals were so garbled on the original record, there was an investigation into whether they were obscene. To this day, even the singer doesn't know what the words mean. The album cover features 5 guys, dressed in jackets, in their early 20's. The band comes on to perform, there are only 4 guys (due to a horrible accident with a hand mixer) and there's not a gray hair in the bunch. Same garbled vocals - he had to learn how to garble again, after years speaking clearly. The song was in the late 60s, making it roughly 60 years old, making the group in their 80s. Yet they appeared no older than 50-something. It's magic!

The next lady did one of those typical 'boy wants to meet girl, girl has bad breath, girl pleads don't leave' songs. She just had a facelift so tight, she couldn't close her lips.

Then there's the black groups. Always attired spectacularly in matching suits, always in-step with each other, always hitting the notes. Except Bubba. Bubba put on a few pounds over the years, and required a custom tux, flown in from Turkey, which is one of the reasons Bubba is so large. You'll notice him sweating, right about after the introduction of the song. The rest of the group is praying that the song ends before Bubba has his final heart attack. And this is just the girl groups....

Smokey Robinson and the Miracles were in fine form, with 2 of the original members, and no Smokey Robinson. There was also an additional Miracle, who joined the band on the way to the stage. The Jimi Hendrix Experience's equipment appeared for 'Foxey Lady', because the people who played it are all dead. 3 Dog Night is now 1 Dog Night. Frankie Valli and the Season played 'Walk Like a Man', in a voice that sounded like a woman. The Mamas performed without the Papas, and a Supreme was missing Diana Ross. The Turtles were Happy Together, but not with their band. Several Beach Boys performed, in separate bands, and the Pet Shop Boys did their cover of 'Where the Boys Are'. A cricket came onstage, but Buddy Holly was nowhere to be found. The evening ended with a holographic reconstruction of Elvis Presley's hips, performing his greatest.... hips.

You have to figure some people in the bands are not the original members. Some bands tour with the original name and the original roadie. The Sweet tours with its original guitar player only. Foghat tours with its original guy who says "Testing 1-2-3".  And the Pet Shop boys tour with only their original 'boy'.

There was also a Linda Rondstadt concert from the 80s. How can a woman sing so well and be so screaming hot? I'm willing to overlook the fact she has the stage presence of Fred Jones, 88, of Trenton, New Jersey; recently deceased.

In any show featuring music that was even near the 50s, we must be subject to Jerry Blavat, The Geeter with the Heater. Nobody, including Jerry himself, knows what a geeter OR a heater is. Jerry was a disc jockey - he never played an instrument or sang. His only characteristic was that when you heard him, you wanted to punch him. I know someone who did - we send him flowers every year on the anniversary.

You have to give them credit: they all love each other and no one says anything political or that Black Lives Matter.

sigh... things sure have changed....
You're lucky if you can get all the band members to show up for the gig.
They might be attired in matching t-shirts. You might see an actual gray hair.
If there is a replacement band member, it's because of an overdose.
The roadies have to remind one of the band members that he plays guitar.
The singer storms off because they gave him Bud instead of Bud Light.
Because metal detectors mean you can't bring guns to the show, the audience lobs audience-to-stage guided missiles instead.

• The Russian election interference continues, with several Russian people logging into Twitter. 

College students are getting tips on staying safe, after many breakouts across the country.  I don't have Fauci's credentials, nor am I as confused as the CDC, but I suggest staying the f- home. Did you notice there are no breakouts at home? Answers this obvious can only come from someone who never attended college.  (I couldn't pass the drinking test)

• My parents often wonder how things would be different if they used contraception that one time....

In case you're not getting interrupted enough, I just got a text from the Pennsylvania Democrats (not all of them). No idea where they got my number. They wanted to know if they could count on my vote for Joe Biden and the Pennsylvania democrats. I asked the fellow if I could count on his vote for Jo Jorgensen and the Pennsylvania libertarians. He texted back that I could not.

He asked what were the important issues in the election.
I couldn't bring myself to be nasty to this poor fellow, who's just doing his job. Off the top of my head, they're keeping a senile dude and a megalomaniac out of office, the truth about ufos, abolishing the IRS, NSA, and any other department with letters in it, forcing cell phone providers to provide good coverage everywhere or your money back, bringing back land yacht cars, making radio great again, free nosewash, stop spreading viruses, making it illegal to laugh at tin foil hats, a cure for male pattern baldness, and giving the SJWs their own country (Siberia).

Well, if they're going to interrupt me unsolicitedously, they get what they deserve.

• My birthday's coming up, next year. Please don't get me anything.

There must be something in the alignment of the stars and work equipment and operating systems I don't like. First thing Monday morning, the (Windows) work computer has a visible cursor and nothing else. Next to it is the iDevice, which is displaying a somewhat nasty looking graphic that's somewhere between 'you should really charge me' and 'I want to have sex with the charger cable'. Above it is a url that ends in /restore. Really? The iDevice wants to be restored? The iDevice that literally sits there, and the only calls I get are spam? That I use for email if the computer is busy being Windows-impaired (like today)? Perhaps it's all a very funny and effective way of waking the employees up on a Monday morning. I rebooted Windows, which fixed that issue (aside from the fact that Windows is still installed) and the iDevice's website told me to reboot, which I did. It was really a simple, intuitive matter of holding the top button while massaging the round button and singing psalm 1:23 - Steve Jobs, We Love You.

The error code was 3.14159 - device feeling unloved.
I just can't.

• Here's a very interesting program on a ufo landing in France, in a farmer's field of lavender. There were 2 beings involved, 1 of which fired something that paralyzed him. The craft left marks in the ground and was investigated by the police.
• People raise lavender? That's outrageous.

Warren Buffet, 7th wealthiest man on the planet, and Bill Gates, war criminal, have signed "The Giving Pledge", to give the majority of their wealth away. These guys are amateurs: upon my demise, I'm giving away 100% of my wealth, unless I have an heir dog at the time. The fund to make sure I can't reproduce was successful, so I have no one to bequeath anything to, after my wife dies. I am certain I will die first, because Mrs lefty watches all the true crime shows and has a small library full of true crime books. They'll never find my body.

• Happy Birthdays: Rudolf Schenker (Scorpions), Debbie Gibson (50!), John Phillips (Mamas + Papas), 

An Asian woman with cerebral palsy was almost drowned at birth. Now she's a poet. Make up your own punchline. [I'm glad she lived but couldn't she be something useful?]

• Smart Dust. No, really, Smart Dust.
• Just imagine the fun when something you can't see or touch is there, monitoring, and reporting.
• It may be able to help people whose brains are having trouble moving limbs or other things.
• Natural defense: It will choke on the Dumb Dust in my house.

You Musk be joking: A mind-reading Neuralink chip in a pig's brain? Downloadable memories? Telepathy? Watch and judge for yourself. We're still in the infancy of this technology (I think), but it has the potential to simultaneously be something great and something so dark, you don't even want to read about it in dystopian sci-fi.


Faceyspaces sued software development kit makers, accusing them of taking personal information. Faceyspaces said that if anyone is going to steal information, it's going to be Faceyspaces.


Tesla rolled out an update to its cars that lets the cameras see speed limit signs.
Tesla refers to this as an insignificant update that almost didn't go out.




SJW School


I caught a few minutes of a DC peaceful protest riot. The well-behaved, literate protesters were running up to the police, bullhorning, screaming, and literally blowing smoke. The thing I failed to get was the Coordinated Police Marching Backwards defense. It wasn't very effective as a defense, in that the rioters were expanding their territory as the police marched backwards.  And not a single word about black lives. There are snacks being passed out, not that this is organized. One bullhorner suggested the police arrest themselves, another helped the police by letting them know "All y'all fuckin bitches". People keep running up to the police with their phones. If I were there, I'd run up to the rapidly backwards-marching line of police, and show them pictures of my dog. I'd make sure every police person in the line saw her. So there.

French game publisher Ubisoft is apologizing to fans after a video showing the opening sequence for Tom Clancy’s Elite Squad showed images of a raised black fist, which critics said was “insensitive” and appeared to connect the Black Lives Matter movement to a fictional terrorist organization in the game.  Among other things, a raised fist is the sign of oppressed groups, like Left Handed Lives Matter, but the fist is naturally the left fist, not the right one.

Prune Flavored Fish?

She comes to work armed, in a bulletproof vest.
She's the most nervous person in Washington DC.
Her clients are openly hostile.
Who is she?
She's Kellyanne Conway's marriage counselor.



Your love is like  the bends



Kentucky Fried Chicken has dropped the 'finger lickin good' slogan amid the Flying AIDS pandemic.  I don't see the problem, unless you go licking someone else's fingers, in which case there will be larger problems....



Dear lefty

• I think I'm knocked up. The father could be one of 13 guys. What do I do?
• What NASA does when there's a problem before liftoff: abort - abort!  You might also want to keep the gangbangs to an absolute minimum.

This is the 25th anniversary of Windows 95.
Now it's vaccines.
Bill Gates should be tried as a war criminal.

• So I sez to her, I sez, "Be nice to me or I'll take up bagpipes."

The World Health Organization hired a notorious PR firm to get celebrities to spread their message on the Flying AIDS.  Nothing to see here, go on home....

Big Pharma’s Covid-19 Profiteers
How the race to develop treatments and a vaccine will create a historic windfall for the industry — and everyone else will pay the price.
CBP Now Has a Massive Searchable Database for Devices Seized at the Border

The US border agency will be able to sift through data extracted from travelers' laptops and cellphones for up to 75 years. I don't remember either candidate mentioning this 4th Amendment violation in their speeches... 

The CDC says people exposed to the Flying AIDS do not need testing.
Yesterday there were articles stating those infected can be infected again.
THIS is why there is no faith in 'experts', or much of anyone else. It's been since roughly January, and these idiots are 'leading' the fight?

NOTE: I'm breaking my own rule by posting the above. We really need to concentrate on what we want, and not on the negative.

• There's apparently a self-help book called How Not to Get Promoted. No wonder someone asked to interview me for a book recently.

Dontcha hate it when... you're trying to get married, and the Klingons attack?


People are naming their babies Dua and Kylo because Dua Lipa and Kylo Ren are famous persons. I don't know about you, but I can't wait til Iqbal Smith, Blowjob Susie, Ignatz Aggerwal, and Suckit Surreal become famous. That's gonna be some rough childhoods.....

My real name is Jimmy Page lefty Hendrix
My parents were stupid too.

• It's day 2 of Russian interference in the upcoming election. They're trying to influence people through this blog. This does not speak well for the Russians. Don't tell them we get no more than 7 visitors per day.

Lightning strikes twice... perhaps thrice.
William Shatner recorded another album! This track features Ritchie Blackmore (Deep Purple), with Captain Shatner 'singing' The Thrill is Gone. It's every bit as good as his previous hits, Mr Tambourine Man and Rocket Man. The only question remaining is whether Bill's in on the joke. And did Ritchie Blackmore try to punch him on the way out of the studio.





SJW Snickering


NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says he wishes he had 'listened earlier' to Colin Kaepernick


In the 2nd night of protests, people in Kenosha, WI marched and peacefully set cars on fire. Note to cities: announcing a curfew is lacking as a violence prevention method, in that 100% of the protesters ignore it.


2 people were killed and 1 injured in shootings at the Kenosha riots protests on the 3rd night.

Local media reports earlier said the violence was believed to have stemmed from a conflict between protesters and armed men guarding a petrol station.

A state of emergency has been declared in Wisconsin, so the 4th night of rioting should be sparsely attended, if at all.

Tonight's Chant: NO JUSTICE, NO CARS! NO JUSTICE, NO BUILDINGS!
The tide is turning... when you go to YouTube to watch, the live video is referred to as Riots, not protests.


Black Lives Matter rioters attacked the Kenosha Dinosaur Discovery Museum and tore down a statue of a dinosaur in the name of racial justice.


All white people are racists.


Report: Seattle Rioters Used Concrete To Seal Police Precinct Doors Shut In Effort To “Burn Officers Alive”   If true, you're seeing the unstated agenda. This has nothing to do with black lives....

Which gender are you?

Bill Gates in Captivity?

Bill Gates is a war criminal, for Windows alone.
As it turns out, he's up to other things that would qualify him....

I have been an advocate of sending the UN elsewhere for a long time. It may have served a purpose in the beginning, but now it drains money and resources.

Gates has been involved in Sustainable Development Goals for many years, I just learned. When people and organizations are looking to pull off a big one, they frequently hide it in plain sight, as they have here.

Sustainable Development is a phrase that is a cover for World Government.
I'm not asking you to take my word... read the UN page. Here are a few things that should rattle us... some of it sounds really nice... read carefully...

• All people must enjoy a basic standard of living, including through social protection systems  and if they don't, who pays for it?
• we must achieve universal health coverage and access to quality health care   we're still trying to get past that - how do they mandate our healthcare system?
• This will only be possible if wealth is shared and income inequality is addressed  People work for their money - their money. No one else's, unless the person wants to donate.
• promoting youth employment and women’s economic empowerment, in particular   We're going to socially dictate and manage.
• We recognize the positive contribution of migrants for inclusive growth and sustainable development. We also recognize that international migration is a multi-dimensional reality of major relevance for the development of countries of origin, transit and destination, which requires coherent and comprehensive responses. We will cooperate internationally to ensure safe, orderly and regular migration involving full respect for human rights and the humane treatment of migrants regardless of migration status, of refugees and of displaced persons.  You will accept illegal aliens.
• States are strongly urged to refrain from promulgating and applying any unilateral economic, financial or trade measures not in accordance with international law and the Charter of the United Nations that impede the full achievement of economic and social development, particularly in developing countries.  Listen to us, not your country's laws. One world.
•  We acknowledge that the UNFCCC is the primary international, intergovernmental forum for negotiating the global response to climate change.  Listen to us, not your country. One world.
• The new Agenda recognizes the need to build peaceful, just and inclusive societies that provide equal access to justice.  Agenda. Socially manipulate.
•  We pledge to foster inter-cultural understanding, tolerance, mutual respect and an ethic of global citizenship  Some of these things are great. But as a sovereign nation, nothing from the UN should supersede our Constitution. We're tolerant people, but not because an organization has decreed it. Global citizenship... getting us ready....

It's a nasty agenda, but largely it's about World Government, that renders your government moot. We're Americans.. we fought for what we have. We don't take things like this well.

Bill and Melinda Gates are in this up to their necks, across many foundations and entities. They are also behind a vaccine. 

Hey, look at the world wearing masks and adapting and dying.

In. The. Open.

Read the rest and weep....

All is not lost... 

Today Mrs lefty went to Dunkin to get some frozen drinks. The guy behind the counter knows Penny loves the whipped cream so he put extra whipped cream on top of the drink. Ask yourself if you have this kind of relationship with any retailer.

On the first day of Code Green, I celebrated by sleeping. The whole day.

On the second day of Code Green, I shot blowdarts at the noisemakers.

On the third day of Code Green, I worked. Then I made dinner, which sent everybody scurrying every which way. Nobody knows why. Even the dog.

On the fourth day of Code Green, I will have written something a lot funnier.

GUITAR RELATED STUFF

Almost review of Tech 21 Fly Rig 5

I won one on Ebay.

It works, sorta.

It tends to motorboat/oscillate at low frequencies the higher the gain is set.

The lights also flicker in time with the motorboating. I didn't have to pay extra for it at all! Might be power, might be a right handed unit. 

It does perform its functions until it hits oscillation.

I hope to have a review shortly, assuming it doesn't have to go back.

In other musical news, I ordered 2 pedal kits from General Guitar Gadgets. I really wanted to put all the parts and everything else needed together, but these guys have it all together, case included and drilled, in one pack, for about what a cheap pedal would cost. I ordered the BSIAB (Brown Sound in a Box - Van Halen, sort of) and whatever the Klon clone is. If you would like to build your own pedals, this is the place to look. He has kits that are similar to everything you've heard of. If you want to audition any, he has samples, or you can check on YouTube. After hearing them on YT, I decided to order. Review forthcoming.

Captivity - Day 77 Law & Order SUV

AstraZeneca is going to start making an anti Flying AIDS vaccine. Not sure how they know what will work, but who needs facts - there's money involved. Because the giant pharmaceutical company is so poor, this vaccine is backed by Bill Gates.  Bill Gates is a war criminal. This is the man who gave us Windows. Would you trust a vaccine from him?


The Bring Your Child to Work Day thing isn't working out as well at the originators thought. In these days of The Flying AIDS, everyone's working from home anyway. So every day is Bring Your Child to Work Day. First, you cannot social distance from a cocker spaniel, nor can you put a mask on her (someone is going to get rich selling a pet mask).  My lap is a favorite place. If she can't get there, she likes to block the doorway. Some mornings I wake up to find emails have been sent to Purina, Pupperoni, and doggie escort services. I hope this is not Mrs lefty (again). The barking on conference calls is out of hand: as soon as one dog barks, all the other dogs on the call start barking. This is not necessarily a bad thing - sometimes they come up with better ideas than their humans. You also have to watch out for your snacks and, most importantly, your coffee. Over time, our 4 cocker spaniels have loved coffee. The rule is if you put it closer to the floor than your seat, it's theirs.


The Minnesota police apologized for the Floyd killing. They said there was an error in their police manual that caused a misunderstanding. The police  manual said "Handcuff the perpetrator, have him medically checked, put him in a car or van, and get him to the station." They thought it said "put your boot on his neck until he's dead." It was a simple mistake anybody could make, and they are very sorry.



One of the downsides to having absolutely no filters is that you occasionally stick your foot in it. I was practicing with my band and afterwards we saw a legal commercial for mesothelioma. Never having heard the word, I turned around to the band and said "Mesothelima? I had that for dessert last night." The bass player turned green. He whispered "Shhh.... my dad has it." For some reason, I do this a lot.


It's so good to be home after the Great Storm of 2020. I can now trip over my own stuff. The dog can bark at anything that walks by the house, and Mrs lefty can continue her intimate relationship with Quality Shopping Network at Home. When they don't hear from her for a few days, they call to see if she's ok.


The National Guard was just told not to carry guns at the DC protests.
In related news, the Air Force was just told not to fly planes.




THEY SAID WHAT?


Texas Lt Governor said the way to address racism is to "accept Jesus Christ."

• Don't listen to him. He hasn't been the same since the pig kicked him in the nuts.
• First Amendment violation - Church and State
• it's clear to anyone with a pair of kidneys that we have to accept Jimi Hendrix. He died so we could play the guitar.

A cofounder of Reddit is resigning and wants to be replaced by a black candidate.

Uber Eats is not charging for food ordered from black-owned restaurants

Joe Biden said 10 to 15% of Americans are "not very good people." Then he showed everyone his liver spots.

A Witty Title

Today's network breach is Sonic, the alleged restaurant. Payment card information was stolen - rather a lot of it. If you go to Sonic and pay with a card, you should examine account activity immediately. I think this is revenge for some of the worst television commercials in the known universe.

Second on the hit parade is Amazon's Whole Foods, which is investigating their Point of Sale systems, which were hacked. Pay cash.

• What does that huge online corporation know about you? The author asked Tinder for her information. She got 800 pages back, which surprised her. I know we don't use Tinder (snicker) but replace Tinder with Faceyspaces, Whatsapp, Instagram, Snapchat, etc. and think about what you may find.

Today's Fast Fact: even Bill Gates does not use a Windows phone.

• Guitar fans: check out the Rig Rundown of Metallica's current tour

A GOP senate nominee believes that homosexuality should be illegal. This is obviously another constitutional scholar. We remain thankful he's not a nominee for judge.

• This week's best headline (so far): Homeowner found naked burglar dangling from ceiling. He was surprised by police while hiding in the attic. No reason for his lack of clothing but can you imagine laying on insulation naked? The emergency room would spend six hours removing the fibers from your genitals alone.

The Maryland Zoo's polar bear could be the first to give birth by artificial insemination...

Hey Bob - what do you do?

I work at a for-profit that works inside a governmental non-profit putting together knock knacks to sell to people who stop by during the week.

John - what do you do?

Inseminate bears.

• A woman was pulled off a Southwest plane after claiming her serious allergies required removal of a helper dog and one other on the plane. The woman was unable to provide proof of her allergy. When told to get off, she refused. Staff and the police tried politely to reason with her. Failing that, she was forcibly removed. As the plane wasn't going to leave until this was settled, she's lucky the other passengers didn't throw her off.
• Entitlement lessons - $100 per session. Why so much? Because I'm entitled to it.

RIP Hugh Hefner. We all own the man a debt of gratitude. And a couple cases of tissues. He will be buried in a large, stiff sock.

• A wanted subject from the Dark Web was just apprehended. On the way to a beard contest. Sorry, this is funny in so many ways.

A woman pulled over for erratic driving was found to be drunk, with three syringes and $20 in her vagina. Potentially a very prickly situation, although I wonder why she needed to hide currency there. Unless she normally does, which would be cumbersome in checkout lines.

• If you were in an airport Thursday, odds are the entire computer system was down. Gatwick, Washington DC, Paris Charles De Gaulle, Frankfurt, Sydney, DC, South Africa, and Lufthansa were among the affected. Gatwick said there had been "no delays." A spokesman for Lufthansa said the Amadeus Altea software - used by multiple airlines - was affected. 
• The cause of the problem was unclear.
• What in the universe is wrong with airline software/hardware these days? Are they connected by bag phones? Rest assured planes are safe and the backup systems have backup systems. The systems on the ground seem to be where it's hit or miss.
• If this kind of thing happened at my job repeatedly, I wouldn't have a job. You either.

Latest news in the Injured Rock Star Department: Aerosmith's Steven Tyler collapsed after a show in South America. According to a source close to the band, it was a seizure. Still up in the air is Deep Purple's Glenn Hughes, with no cause for his collapse. Take care, guys, we've lost more than enough lately.

• Watch your emails carefully. More carefully. Some of the dangerous emails have gotten more dangerous. Emails from UPS, Fedex, and sometimes even your own coworkers! My friend received a message from her coworker in accounting and almost clicked on the link. It looked perfectly legit, until she hovered over the link and realized it didn't go where it said it did. This is how the Bad Guys<tm> get into your network to steal data or virus the system. If you have any doubt at all, please ask someone. You don't want to be that person.

The king of Saudi Arabia has ruled, moving them 3 days out of the stone age, that women may drive. But only if a man says so, or else she'll have to be dragged out, stoned, then beheaded. Saudi women are celebrating, very quietly, lest they be dragged out, stoned, then beheaded. Somebody had to alert the king that you have to hang them before you behead them. Meanwhile, in the United States, women (and their men, who do what they're told) are celebrating this great step for Saudi Arabia. Still no word on being dragged out, stoned, then beheaded.

MARSHALL UPDATE: After the first chemptherapy treatment, we were told that side effects, if any, would show up two to three days after. He slept the next day and has been fine! My mom shows up every day and does energy work with him. She says he is really strong and getting stronger. For his part, he loves the attention.

Oh The Outrage

Gone viral is the story of a Philadelphia-ish area woman with an autistic child who was asked to leave Friendlys (an ice cream chain). The child was screaming and crying loudly. The mother, who is pushing this as a Huge Story, freely admits that the child is 'a bit of a brat' and 'loud'.

Rather than taking the child for a walk, she was 'afraid' to leave her other child at the table. Rather than simply taking the child out of the restaurant, like one would with any screaming child. The mother states this is 'intolerant', although she does not like the word tolerant. Just for fun, the show asked the child's older brother (approximately 10) what he thought of it, who referred to hate and anger. This poor child will always be secondary to his brother. The autistic child ran around and screamed in the studio.

In a statement, Friendlies states that they are "Confident that dialog is taking place."

C'mon, Mom.. you freely admit everything about your son that states he should have left the restaurant. Stop milking this, crying autism. A letter from another parent with autistic children states that she will leave an establishment when her child/children act out. Mom poo-pooed it.

• NYPD is planning to switch to Windows 10 Mobile. This is what we call a Dunderhead Move. Not because I hate Windows (well, not entirely) but because the platform is almost dead. Plus they must love pain. NYPD is already using Win 10 on their mobile phones, with the plan being to 'upgrade' them to Win 10 mobile. The reasoning is the security of the platform(!) and the mobile device management capabilities (which every other platform has too). Not only is this a stupid move, it's apparent that someone in the NYPD is either getting a kickback or is just incredibly friendly with a vendor. This isn't the first time this has happened.. many cities have selected statewide radio systems for police and fire that have been borderline useless. These people know nothing and rely on salespeople, who we know always tell the truth.

I prefer to let anatomy (especially blood) remain where it is, secure in the knowledge that it's doing what it's supposed to do, or at very least, I don't need to be looking there and passing out (possibly dying a rock star's death by choking on my own vomit). The other night we were catching up on Bones episodes. I remember them as intelligent and well-written, with funny and relatable characters and not a ridiculous amount of gore.  Apparently the focus changed while we weren't watching it. There were all sorts of hideous sights.. I can't and won't try to describe them, as I spent a good portion of the episodes looking at my computer instead of the tv. One particular delicacy involved a mostly eaten body with a carnivorous fish embedded inside what was left of it. Even the wife, a nurse, thought it was pretty gross. So Bones has changed a bit.

In addition to those bodily functions, there's one that of which I was never aware: the switch in my ass. Before your mind wanders too far, there's a switch in my butt that activates the dog whenever I sit. It lets him know it's a great time to do something that involves notifying me in an urgent manner and tone. This can be one of three things: I need food, I need to go outside, or I need water. He never asks for two at the same time, preferring to nudge me for them individually when the switch activates. As parents of bipeds, I suspect you know of this switch. Thus concludes your hidden anatomy lesson for the day (hopefully the year).

• Over 50 parents in England were furious when their children were left stranded on a bus because their Muslim driver stopped on a main road and knelt down to pray. I'm thinking that if your religion is going to interfere with doing your job that much, perhaps you need a different job. Imagine if other religions practiced during their work time...
• Islamists would park the bus across traffic, hoping cars and trucks would kill the kids
• Christians would sacrifice the children to God, while the Catholics would make them feel guilty for it
• Jews would take the kids out for a nice corned beef special, requesting the early-bird and group discounts
• Buddhists would have the children visualize going to school
• Atheist drivers would insist there are no schools and drop the kids back home

Friend to all, the IRS paid $12 million for Microsoft software it doesn't use. Not that anyone should use Microsoft software, but this is yet another example of government waste. But let's keep it between us, or else The Audits Will Begin.

• In today's Internet of Things update, Philips has pushed a firmware update that "accidentally" caused all 3rd party bulbs to stop working. In Plain English, the Philips bulbs are internet-connected. Philips sent/forced an update that makes other connected bulbs stop working. Not only will your house get hacked from outside, your appliances will fight each other for dominance. The fridge will not only refuse to tell you what's inside, it will keep trying to stop the oven from working. The oven, in retaliation, will send the fridge's password to anyone who asks, resulting in it divulging its contents and people ordering food that can't fit into it. Your heater will experience sibling rivalry with the air conditioner, causing hourly changes in house temperature, similar to changes in season. Your sleep (and sex life) will be completely ruined by hackers inflating and deflating your sleep number mattress while you're in bed.

The internet and the local Fox morning show have been awash with multiple segments about Beyonce's bleeding ear. One report had fans ripping out their own earrings. Still no word about her fans' eardrums.

• According to a Men's Health magazine poll on Faceyspaces, which might explain it, half of men shave or trim their leg hair. I find this almost as perplexing as this election.

As we can all agree, this election has been a Class A Shitshow. A dumpster fire extraordinaire. The Dirty Tricks Squad<tm> has been out in force. To give you an idea of what's been happening behind the scenes, check out this video on the Clinton campaign's Agitator Program<tm>.  Be certain that this happens on both sides of the alleged aisle. And it's only going to get dirtier from here.

• In Germany, a man turned himself in to the police, admitting that he put his baby up for sale on Ebay, but it was a joke. Apparently one cannot sell a baby on Ebay - who knew? Oh yeah, the police are only referring to the family as 'refugees'.

PornHub wants everyone to know that after the scary clown sightings, searches for clown porn went through the roof. This has been a public service announcement.

• After having won the Nobel Prize for Literature, the committee cannot reach Bob to work out details. This may be the coolest thing to happen since John Lennon returned his MBE to the Queen.

I'm not sure but it's possible Samsung has declared war on China. It seems Samsung did not include China in its initial recall of its fire-prone devices.

• Chinese media says emojis should be regulated. I agree but think they should be terminated with extreme prejudice

At a recent Amy Schumer appearance, some audience members walked out over her Trump-bashing. While I believe no one should have Amy inflicted upon them, they did pay for the tickets. Would you walk out on a comic for something like this?

• Lest we think my technical criticisms of the presidential candidates is one-sided, it has been discovered that Trump's organization is using the Windows Server 2003 operating system. Again, my love for Windows aside, Microsoft discontinued support for Server 2003 last year. This is inexcusable.
• Speaking of which, my digestion has been interrupted by news that Hillary considered Bill or Melinda Gates as VP candidates. The Official Campaign Move would be Kill Bill. Bill Clinton reported to be nervous. Truly the Axis if Evil.

Hillary Trump

If you think carefully about your presidential candidate, you should go out and vote. If you're voting for someone because of their internal plumbing/gender, please stay home; you're not qualified to vote. I heard a teary-eyed interview on the radio about how great that a woman is running and how historic this is. I want the best person for the job and so should you.

• The FBI is stepping up its use of ISIS stings, with little public or congressional scrutiny. Translated into English, the FBI is locating some poor slob who claims support for ISIS, arming him, then making a huge deal about his arrest.

Most notably absent from the wannabe presidential speeches is any talk of the national debt.

• My wife and I have found the Ultimate Relationship Secret: sleeping when the other is awake.

A dispute over Ramadan meals in Duesseldorf resulted in a fire that gutted a shelter for 282 asylum seekers. The portions were too small, so they set the place on fire. Let's import some immigrants, shall we?

In related news, a Pakistani woman was burned alive by her family for eloping. She was obviously asking for it.

• Microsoft founder Bill Gates launched a campaign to help extremely poor families in sub-Saharan Africa to raise chickens. Unfortunately the poor will discover they can't raise the chickens because the chickens will automatically keep trying to upgrade to Chicken 10.

David Beckham, famous for f-ing the anorexic-looking Spice Chick, says "You need to wear a condom in the fight against HIV." I'm doing my part by wearing a condom as I type this.

• To protest rampant sexism in Hollywood, Ghostbusters is being remade with women in the title roles. Because that's not sexism at all.

With all the huff and fluff about transgender bathrooms, don't you wonder how many people will benefit from this?

Steve Jobs - Seriously?

I really intended to let this one pass.  Never liked the guy.  Hated his products.  I figured why not let him RIP.

I've only been home for about an hour, catching up on some rss feeds and watching a little news.  To put it politely, if I hear one more lionization of Jobs, I'm likely to lose my breakfast.

The local news featured kids who were somehow brainwashed into believing that there would be no computing at all without Jobs.  Well, that's certainly a marketing coup.

Then there was footage of people passing by a random Apple store, leaving flowers and putting up sticky notes.  The interviews were nauseating; as if the greatest humanitarian in the world had just passed.

"...comparable to the day Princess Diana died" 
"..coolest store we've ever seen with the coolest toys"

"changed the world"

"...compared to henry ford and alexander graham bell.."

Yes, one hell of a marketing coup.  I may be the only person on the planet who regularly listens to podcasts on a device bereft of lower case `i' in front of it.  Who computes on many devices without an `i'.  Who even has a netbook and tablet without `i's.

Apparently I'm one of the few people who listens to music on a number of devices onto which I transferred the songs directly.  Who can play music in any format.  Who does not require Steve Jobs' permission to play only certain music with certain extensions.  Who isn't subject to the Jobs Vision of How Things Should Be.

I can use any hardware, old or new.  I can perform just about any task done on a Mac, with free software.  I don't have to reboot constantly.  I belong to an enthusiastic and helpful community.  I can find software anywhere.  If I were telented, I could modify the software.  And my systems are still incredibly secure.  The hardware is modular and can be replaced when one component breaks; I  don't have to take the whole thing in.


I'd be nauseated if all this noise were over Bill Gates too.


I am a linux user.