The Toe Fungus Chronicles

Your love is like  naked yogurt

Australia: Woman survives on wine during five days stranded in Australian bush

Woman says, "I just did what I would do if I were home."

Today I identify as  a fly on the wall  (who got swatted)

Met Police shoot dead two dogs and Taser man in Poplar (England)

Maybe they're right: guns are dangerous and should not be given to the mentally ill.

Pet owners, beware: the stormtroopers are coming, and there's an automatic presumption of guilt. Like American SWAT teams, they'll shoot your dog. As an added bonus, you'll be punished for not obeying or showing your papers. Fortunately, tasers only kill a small portion of people shot by them.

Three stabbings in a week leave Californian city on edge

WE DEMAND KNIFE CONTROL

Told you so. It's not the weapon - it's the person holding it. Take away guns, they'll use knives. Take away knives, it will be chains and rocks. Then sticks. And spit.

UCBerkeley hopes UCDavis is also keeping Jews and Zionists off their campus.

UCDavis is worried. I am worried too; there's a pizza place in Davis called Woodstock's Pizza. I was worried about how I could get them to open up near me. Woodstock's East.

Feds rethink warrantless search stats and – oh look, a huge drop in numbers

We would never violate your privacy. Unless we had access to your information.

American Software Developers for Diversity are "Really Pissed" at virus makers and insist there be diversity among ranks. They demand to see and verify all employee lists of virus organizations, to ensure diversity. They further demand each organization, even the state-sponsored ones, have a Chief Diversity Officer. The Developers insist that the information provided will not be given to any authorities: they just need to be positive that all organizations across the globe are sufficiently diverse.

World Password Day came and went.

Nobody noticed or cared. Their password is still 'password' and is written on a sticky, under their keyboard.

 The US Postal Service (USIP, US Incompetence Patrol) is being asked to delay a pay cut for rural carriers. Yes, the gang that couldn't shoot straight, even with their electric vehicle program, weird or non-existent delivery, and constant rise in postage prices, wants to cut salaries in the boonies. Another great business and public relations decision. Privatize.

Notes to self:

1. just because your calls and texts don't get received, don't go to the website - it will be of no help whatsoever. It won't even let you into your own account.
2. you probably shouldn't spew that much coffee onto your pants, shirt, phone, and laptop

1. (again) Just because you got it straightened out doesn't mean they bothered to turn on your service. 3 hours and another phone call later, all was well. The rep said to remember to smile. Who the hell does she think she is?

Flying AIDS (still) news

The U.S. COVID-19 public health emergency is ending. What does that mean?

It means they'll have to invent something else to keep sheep people in line and in their homes and paying twice as much for food.

Disease detectives gathered at CDC event—a COVID outbreak erupted

Walensky to step down as head of CDC

  

"I had to get out of this self-made shitshow while I could still get a high paying job in the private sector"

WHO ends COVID emergency but warns threat is not over

You still believe in our pope-like infallibility, right?

 And the big shocker:

Moderna rakes in surprise profits ahead of 400% vaccine price hike

Coronation concert: William says he is 'so proud' of his father King Charles

When asked about Prince Harry, King Jug-Ears asked who that was... "Oh yeah, the black lady's husband. Haven't seen him in years."

Hoping for a saner answer, Camilla was asked. "Don't fask with me - I'm the Queen, bitches! HAHAHAHA."

(ex)Prince Harry was there too. He watched the coronation from a few streets away, underneath some benches, in a sewer. The Black Lady was denied entry into London and was put on the next plane back to the US.   (orders from the top)

Possible Best Headline of the Year

A Hilton hotel guest says he woke up to the night manager sucking his toes, man charged

The night  manager said it was all a misunderstanding: he entered the room because he smelled smoke. Presumably he put out the fire by sucking the guest's toes.

Apparently the only smoke was in his pants. But seriously, the guy should be jailed just for being so stupid. You're the night manager at a major hotel chain. You think it will be ok to enter a locked guest room, then suck his toes. In what universe will this go unnoticed? Did he think it was a convention of foot fetishists? Did the man express a love for having his toes sucked when he checked in? Did the guest call down to the office and say he'd leave the door open and pretend to be asleep? 

P.S. Does this make the manager gay? I'm not up on my Foot Stuff.

Rabid Religionoids on the Rise 

Anti-Porn Lobbyists Pressure Reddit to Shut Down Its NSFW Communities

These clowns go all the way back to Morality in Media. I don't see it happening.

Accessing Porn In Utah Is Now a Complicated Process That Requires a Picture of Your Face

Porn VPN searches soar in Utah amid age verification bill

Pornhub Blocks All of Utah From Its Site

Pornhub pulls out of Utah

per Pornhub, their largest state consumer is Utah. 

Not anymore.

Special Budget Theater Fraud Report

In a complete shock to no one, the budget farce was passed by Congress.

Every time it's the same thing: debt theater. They should all be removed from their jobs and forced to pay for what they voted for.

• the debt ceiling was suspended til 2025, so the thieves can continue to plunder and raise the debt even further.
• think I'm over the top? Per the article  "This allows them to pay their bills until that date and know that the next fight over raising the ceiling will not interfere with the presidential election."
• shockingly, the only clear winner was the Military Industrial Complex, with $886 billion.
• Biden agreed to cut $20bn from the $80bn to the IRS, but divert that cash to other non-defence spending. President Giveaway strikes again.

No mention of the other pork loaded into this mess, but rest assured, it's there. If nothing else, they can spend us further into debt and avoid responsibility for it. Life is good if you're a thief politician. It's not like anyone will find them liable for their actions. Forward this to your friends. And enemies. And Congress(I already said enemies). 

Don't you wish you could play with your debt and suspend it for a few years?

They're clowns and criminals. I don't know who voted for them, but it sure as hell wasn't me.

HOLD. THEM. RESPONSIBLE.

Yes, the Aardvark Runs Things. The Aardvark and the Dog

Your love is like  candy-coated anthrax

90,000 old BMWs too dangerous to drive due to airbag recall, maker says

BMW also discovered 350,000 older models have broken turn signals. BMW has chosen not to recall the cars because BMW owners don't use them anyway.

Today I identify as  the guy who is going to order the FBI to locate Dianne Feinstein. And her tax returns for the last 40 years.

NFFL.

The National Fantasy Football League.

I suppose it was inevitable, like fur on a monkeywrench.

It's probably been around for a long time - I'm well-insulated (read: ignore most things).

I remember discovering Fantasy Football [wayback music]. The musical comedy group was performing in yet another dingy bar, which thought it would be hip to have Comedy Night. This was a common infection in the 1990s. While watching the other comics, we noticed they weren't getting much traction (the audience wasn't paying attention). We fared a little better, but not much. Some well-meaning waitress explained it was Fantasy Football night.

HUH? 

Fantasy Football.

Huh? 

Jeez, I must've looked like one of their customers. Taking it on faith, I wondered why they would hold Fantasy Football night on the same night they're paying a lot of money for Comedy Night. It was then I saw the sign. I only saw the top half til then... it said 

FANTASY FOOTBALL TONIGHT!!

$5 beer night

Live bait $2

also

COMEDY NIGHT - COME ON IN AND IGNORE YOUR FAVORITE LOCAL COMEDIANS FROM THE AREA. And they're local.

And that's how I learned about Fantasy Football. I remain incredulous after all these years. Sure, when we were in school, we put together Ultimate Bands, from our favorite musicians. This show lasted all of 5 minutes, then we graduated 5th grade. 

Oh wait - now there's a National Fantasy Basketball League. I wonder if they're going to bring Fauci back to explain the spread of this.....

Giraffes, despite a relatively small brain, can handle statistics

Good, I need to hire one to balance my checkbook.

It's not just me, though. Google gave the giraffes some AI and hired 100 of them as managers and at C-level positions. Only 30% passed diversity training. How's that for stats?

Ransomware gang hijacks university alert system to issue threats

Libertarians hijack White House p.a. system to issue debt reminders

 

The Linux Foundation, the nonprofit organization enabling mass innovation through open source, previously announced the launch of the Software Developer Diversity and Inclusion (SDDI) project at Open Source Summit. SDDI explores, evaluates, and promotes best practices from research and industry to increase diversity and inclusion in software engineering.

You know the 400' dinosaur has crunched the organization when there is a high-level position with the word 'diversity' in it. Thusly it applies to projects and 'inclusion'. GTFO. I dunno about you, but I'd hire the best person for the job; a killer programmer or whatever else I needed. I do not hire for gender, dancing ability, nose hair, or man buns. This stuff is a giant waste of time, that could better be spent on looking for the Best. My own people are virtue-signalling. And whining.

AI News

White House Pushes Tech C.E.O.s to Limit Risks of A.I.

 

“We must regulate AI,” FTC Chair Khan says

White House: Big Tech bosses told to protect public from AI risks

OpenAI’s regulatory troubles are only just beginning

 "We might not know what AI is, but we need to be involved." or "Legislators gonna legislate"

Yes, legislation, the first act of government. Whether it needs legislation or not. Whether it's the government's business or not (not).

We're already protected by the owners from it insulting anybody. Now the government needs its paws in the mix. STOP PROTECTING ME. After 9-11 we had Security Theater. Now it's AI Theater.

Worldwide, plastics recycling is 9%. In the US, it's 5%.

Once again, we lead the world.

Don't forget: among 17 other days and months of recognition, it's Mental Health Awareness Month.

Of course, every day is mental health day at ThermionicMansion.

It was another Fun Laptop Day.

Laptop #1 half-booted, with an error I've never seen before.

Laptop #2 is working, for some unknown reason.

Oops, perhaps I was too quick with that proclamation. The keyboard isn't working.

I know - I'll plug an external keyboard in.

Annnnnnd nothing. No workie.

I know - I'll plug a second external keyboard in.

Annnnnnd nothing. No workie.

I know - I'll change USB ports.

Annnnnnd nothing. No workie.

I'll reboot. Maybe it's confused.

Oops, it won't start now.

Hey, the power cord detached itself from the power supply. That would explain some things.

However, nothing will explain why Laptop #2's keyboard still isn't working. I plugged in an external keyboard, just like last time. Except this time it worked.

I seem to have an 'effect' on electronics. Sometimes being Satan has its disadvantages.

And then the werk computer:

Microsoft: There is an update to Office. Click the button.

Click

We need to close some programs.

Ok

['updates']

We cannot open Office because we are updating it.

--> just shoot me.

If I were half as smart as I thought I was, I would have taken the whole day off and slept late.

Flying AIDS Surprises in the News

Lockdowns only reduced COVID-19 death rate by .2%, study finds: 'Lockdowns should be rejected out of hand'

Coronavirus News Articles

TikTok: Chinese “Trojan Horse” Is Run by State Department Officials

Rochelle Walensky has resigned as the director of the CDC, the same day the World Health Organization announced that COVID-19 is no longer a global emergency  [There are no coincidences}

Australian government is hit with class action lawsuit over Covid vaccines

COVID-19 vaccine claims yield small payouts from U.S. government

3 prominent economists slam COVID lockdowns and school closures and say they should never happen again

Why I won't be watching the King's Coronation

Yes, this was an actual article. Hopefully in a British paper.

Some of the comments were..... odd. Some of my suggestions are... odd.

1. We should be allowed to vote for King and Queen.
2. I'm American. Do I look like I care?
3. C'mon - they're all lizard people
4. I'm allergic to horses. Horses and pointless pageantry.
5. I'm sorry, but his ears are just too large
6. the cat told me not to
7. I don't have a hat big enough. Those women wear entire cars on their heads.
8. Colonial imperialism, racism, antisemitism, ageism, and silly accents.
9. Spam Spam Spam Spam
10. Well, I mean... Hugh Grant, yeah?

Now, for the $10,000 prize, answer this question: in which war were the dentists expelled from England?

missed 60 out of 80+ votes and no one has seen her

She Thought He was a Man, but He was a Muffin

[Muffin Man  - Frank Zappa]

RIP Tina Turner (83) - the Queen of Rock

Your love is like   boiled cat

I walk by the tv and Wife is watching this show where humongous ants are running around, devouring people. I told her to stop watching the news - it causes nightmares.

Today I identify as  malazy

Passenger 'voted' off of Trenton-Atlanta Frontier flight after altercation

Yes, welcome to Airplane Survivor! Ooh, sorry, you've been voted off the plane. But it could be worse; you were on the tarmac. The last person was voted off over the Atlantic Ocean. On the last flight out of Trenton (NJ), the passengers voted off the pilot.

Conversations with my Dog

Me: Why do you sometimes take forever to eat?

Her: oh, that's on the days you give me some tuna with my food

Me: But why?

Her: Do you have any idea how difficult it is to lick between every piece of kibble to get the tuna?

Me: I see.

Her: You know at the zoo, where they give balls to the bears and watermelons to the tigers? It's called Enrichment Activities, to keep them stimulated and interested. I don't like fruit, so I keep myself busy licking tuna from in between dog food. It keeps me very stimulated and interested. After I'm done, I keep looking, as if tuna magically reappeared in my bowl.

Me: You live a rich life.

Her: Could you move, please? I need that spot on your pillow.

 

‘Asian Less’ AI Model Turns Asian People White

AI is in its infancy. This means it's very interesting to watch it grow. Already the creators have added limits so as not to offend people or groups or discuss certain topics. Another is the one above, although it's usually in the opposite direction.

Make sure your AI is not modified (and good luck with that).

A 2,200-year-old poop time capsule reveals secrets of the Andean condor

A poop time capsule. You're probably saying to yourself, "Jeez, why didn't *I* think of that?" Our traditional time capsules always contain the same old boring crap, as do the satellites we send out of the neighborhood. It's time to put the fun back in time capsules. Hmmm... let's think of some...

• poop  (duh)
• used feminine hygiene products 
• a few different types of pr0n
• more poop
• a really really large bra, like a G or H
• a season of Americans Idle or The Masked Furry (see: poop)
• an entire day's pharmaceutical commercials  (warning: can cause death)
• Adam Sandler

Clarence Thomas Had a Child in Private School. Harlan Crow Paid the Tuition.

Oh great. Now the Judicial branch of government is acting like the Legislative branch.    

Now that everybody knows, Thomas can send the bills to President Giveaway. Why not - he pays for everything else.

Maybe it's not the same in your house, but another thing that differentiates women from men is the woman's ability to remember things (like something you did 10 years ago that PISSED HER OFF). It has great potential to affect things, like most things in a relationship. When my nephew was born, the first thing Wife said was how much he looked like me when I was a baby. HOW does she know that? Unless I seriously mis-guessed, she wasn't there when it happened. She's tricky and talented, but she couldn't have pulled that one off. She also can't time travel (I hope). Maybe she's the alien I've been looking for and she can travel anywhere, anywhen. Even *I* don't know what I looked like when I was a baby, plus I paid well to have all the pictures destroyed.

The only positive thing to come from this was his mother's reaction to her newborn looking like me: all the color drained from her face and you could hear her internal voices screaming NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Today ThermionicEmissions brings you our first Guest Spot. Our guest author's name is Hymie Leftowitz, my distant cousin (very removed). Please make him feel welcome.

Today I discovered a tv show called Jewish Matchmaking.

The first thing I thought was. "Gee, I could take the ball and really run with it."

The second thing I thought was, "I really need to stop the sports metaphors - I don't like sports."

To explain this correctly, I need to refer you to an old joke:

Q. Why do Jewish men die before their wives?

A. Because they want to.

Jewish matchmaking is a misnomer: most Jewish guys won't date Jewish girls. Or, true to stereotype, their mother told them they have to. Those who date Jewish girls are masochists, who do not or will not learn from experience. My cousin lefty dated a Jewish girl once. Once. He's too proud to tell you he's still in therapy. So instead he marries a shiksa with more personalities than a priest has altar boys. He's not Jewish, but he should be.

Jewish matchmaking is also an oxymoron, like 'happily married'  or 'cheap wedding.'

For some reason, Jewish moms want their sons to marry Jewish women. Jewish dads don't care, so long as Mom isn't in the room. Jewish moms want their daughters to marry Jewish men too, but can make exceptions for doctors and lawyers. Jewish women are just like any other woman getting married: a total nightmare of a Bridezilla, insisting the ceremony be only for and about her personal fairy tale. The difference is that Jewish women want their second, third, and fourth weddings to be their personal fairy tale too. Mothers don't generally worry about their young daughters dating outside of the religion because Catholic schools and well-informed parents teach that Jews have horns, are the devil incarnate, and are almost as cheap as the Scots. 

So the nice Jewish boys eventually marry nice Jewish girls, because their mother is one.

The other Jewish boys eventually marry Catholic girls because they don't want their wife to turn into their mom. Scholars have written books and teach college courses on this psychology. Woody Allen made an entire career joking about it.

Jewish boys are held to less stringent requirements by their fathers. They can marry whoever they want, but they will get more in the will if they marry a nice Jewish girl like Michelle Pfeiffer, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Aniston, or Julia Roberts (go ahead, look it up). I showed my cousin lefty this list and he almost shot himself; most of his favorites were there.  But he's sticking with the shiksa with more personalities than Brad Pitt has girlfriends. Oy vay.

Hopefully I have explained this well. If not, I refer you to another old joke:

Q. What does a Jewish girl make for dinner?

A. Reservations.

And that is why Jewish Matchmaking can't be a real show.

Thank you, Cousin lefty. I'll be back (that's a threat).

[lefty here]

Maybe if I get designated a hate group by the Anti-Defamation League, this blog will get more traffic. The ADL, incidentally, is also a hate group. They could find antisemitism in Chanukah.

Hymie was right - the list of 150 most beautiful Jewish actresses was astounding. And stunning. And probably incorrect, but wow...

Michigan school district bans backpacks over safety concerns

This includes clear backpacks, meant to help the situation. 

Well, that should stop all violence, right?  It sends a very clear message to the students: if you're bringing a weapon to school, keep it in your pocket. 

 Somebody is calling for a vote to ban books from schools too. Authorities suspect the students.

Click here: Twitter alt text meme that isn't funny for blind people

STOP it. Just STOP. They should not, and I will not, take every group into consideration when I write something funny. It's heartwarming to see (sorry) that the blind have gotten on the Offended Bus. Pretty soon we'll all have to speak only words and phrases that, according to some random committee, offend no one. The joke will be on them: the people who didn't get on the committee will be offended.

Writer: I have to test out some new material. Can try it out on you guys?

Guys:  Sure!

Writer:  A Polish guy and a Jewish guy go into a bar...

Oh no, not another Polack joke.

 It's antisemitic!

Alcohol kills over 1,000 people a day in drunk driving accidents

Writer: I see. Let me try another. A priest and a rabbi go into a delicatessen..

Its antisemitic! 

Here comes the child molester joke....

 Meat is Murder!

Writer: Ok, 2 lesbians go into a lesbian bar

Why do you hate women?

I support LGBT, why are you such a HATER?

Oh c'mon - the city won't grant zoning to lesbian bars.

Writer: Two angels were perched upon the head of a pin...

Why does everybody hate Christians?

Is this an anorexic joke?  That's a real thing, you know.

Do you hate paper clips too? Your guitar strings are made from metal, you know.

 Writer: A person charged with upholding laws pulled over a person with no ethnicity or religion, and asked if she knew this was a one way street. The blonde driver said, "But Officer, I was only going one way." 

 HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Oh man, that was hysterical - more blonde jokes! 

Oh, so it's law enforcement officers now, is it.....?

 

IMPORTANT News - Death and Devices Under Attack

One more dead in horrific eye drop outbreak that now spans 18 states

  It's drug-resistant, so extremely dangerous.

Not as important but still important

SanDisk Extreme SSDs keep abruptly failing—firmware fix for only some promised

Mobile fraud: Thieves 'shoulder surfing' victims to steal phones

  use them in private only. Especially banking apps.

HP rushes to fix bricked printers after faulty firmware update

Warning: Samsung Devices Under Attack! New Security Flaw Exposed

It took 48 hours, but the mystery of the mass Asus router outage is solved 

She Drove a Red Vulva

Your love is like  the love between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton

Soldier shoots dead politician he was guarding

He seemed to miss the concept of guarding. The Secret Service tried to get in touch with him, but he shot himself first.

Today I identify as   someone who hates Microsoft and discovered Microsoft isn't so fond of him either

Conversations with my Dog 

Me: I see you've temporarily abandoned your mommy. Does this mean you want to go out?

Her: Yeah yeah yeah!

Me: Ok, door's open.

Her: [stands there]

Me: Look, you said you had to go outside, what's up?

Her: I don't really have to go.

Me: Then why did you interrupt work?

Her: I wanted to see if I could get you to take me. 

Me: Sometimes.......

Her: Notice your office?

Me: Yeah, looks like the aftermath of a nuclear strike.

Her: That's me - going for my Inferior Decorator certificate.

Me: Could you try cleaning something for once?

Her: Its not like you clean anything...

Where do I sign up? 

You know... for the memo. 

I always discover I didn't get the memo way too late.

For instance, nobody told me all food servers have to have a ring through their nose. I had to notice it all by myself. It's not hard to pick up, but still.... if I had gotten the memo, I'd have been prepared. It's bad enough I have to look at graffiti up and down their arms and neck. Even on police. Back to food, so far it's only the women, but the men can't be far behind. After the men pick up on it, it will have jumped the shark and they'll be off to the next effort to mutilate their bodies. I suggest sticking with the nose: it's right out there for all to see. If you're going to do it, do it loudly.

Those humongous holes in the earlobes are out, and now doctors are making a mint stitching up the holes. Hmmm..... I wonder if the doctors had a part in suggesting the holes... or the things they put in the earlobes. How about a repro dinosaur bone?  If they want to be edgy, how about a small explosive? One that's semi-faulty, in that it might or might not go off, at any time.  Or a small dinner plate, about 6" in diameter, through the nose. That should certainly establish your Hip Cred. Perhaps a small car tire through your lip. You can graduate to a Caterpillar earthmover after a month. The man bun will be with us forever, or longer. For those of you with male pattern baldness, you can get a Lee Press-On Man Bun.

Of course I wouldn't know about any of these things til I went to a restaurant, because I never got the memo.

President Giveaway has proclaimed Loyalty Day.

This time he's not giving away your money, he's after your liberty. Let's all salute and pledge our loyalty.

It turns out he thought he was pledging his loyalty to doorknobs.  He's running in 2024, you know.

Dead Body News

Seven bodies found in US search for missing teens, say Oklahoma police

is this considered a bonus?

You know the lunatic responsible will have books written about him, as well as movies. 

Corpse found under Tibet hotel bed leads to probe

Now there's a way to screw up your vacation....

Front desk, how may I help you? 

This room.... uhhh.. could stand a more thorough cleaning.

What is it?

No big deal, but the body under the bed is a little off-putting. Smells a bit too. 

Sir, the dead body under the bed is a premium feature, and a $75 upgrade. We'll leave the body there and not charge you the upgrade fee, ok? Uh, Sir?

Yes?

Don't go into the bathroom, ok?   

I picked on Microsoft Teams recently because it annoys me and because it's Microsoft. But the main idea is pretty good: instant communication audio/maybe video for a whole team. Unfortunately the devil is in the details (of how the program is used). We have a New Boss. Old Boss used Teams very effectively, and most importantly, sparingly. It was left to the group to post rude things and observations, as these things should be. New Boss made a crack about a member using email, as if email were operated by vacuum tubes and something to be avoided. I wonder what would happen if he found out I don't use Faceyspaces.  I stopped posting observations but they laugh at my Microsoft struggles. 

Don't get me wrong.. new boss is a nice person, even if he thinks Teams should be used to say Bless You and tell you about the envelope he's licking. Plus, if I had a groin injury and had to go to the doctor, I don't think I'd want to announce it to the team. Email seems like a pretty good way to notify a boss. Sometimes it's interesting to say 'groin injury' because it shows if anyone's listening.

So now the phrase often heard is "what is it NOW?" The program DINGs and DINGs, especially when I'm doing something important and need to remain concentrated on it. But no, I'll have to look at Teams, only to discover it's a reminder for today's meeting, that everyone already has a reminder set for. Another team member gently suggested we not have meetings for the express purpose of scheduling the next meeting. Fortunately Boss agreed. We will have to monitor this situation. At very least, there are certain things we don't need to know:

1. your wife has 'woman problems' and has to go to the doctor now
2. your wife's penis is bigger than yours
3. you're coming down with a cold. or a sexually transmitted disease
4. lunch was really good
5. it hurts when you pee
6. the cop who pulled you over this morning hinted the ticket could go away for certain 'favors'
7. parts of you smell
8. no, sexual harassment training is not a how-to

ROCK NEWS

RIP Gordon Lightfoot, one of Canada's greatest exports. Justin Trudeau, Prime Minister and Head Crossdresser of Canada, took to Twitter to memorialize Lightfoot. Trudeau was wearing a gorgeous white ball gown, in keeping with his manliness and ability to govern.

Also RIP Tim Bachman, of Bachman Bachman Bachman Turner Overdrive, also one of Canada's finest exports. Tim was an original member, but left early, giving us Bachman Bachman Turner Overdrive. Robbie Bachman died in February, leaving us with Bachman and Turner. They sound just fine. BTO came from Winnipeg, a small landlocked island off the North Pole. Their accent is even more comical than 'regular' Canadian. Condolences to Randy Bachman, having lost 2 brothers. He seems like a really nice guy.

Aerosmith has announced their Peace Out tour, allegedly their last. 

Well, you know final tours. The Who had 14 of them.

Not much is known about the Aerosmith tour, but Steven Tyler will be joining the band over a special link from rehab. Depending on how the tour goes, other band members might also join from rehab. In the event that Tyler escapes from rehab, a boxing ring will be set up at the front of the stage, for members to calmly work out their differences. 

Speaking of boxing rings, the largest ring ever put together was built for Journey's 50th anniversary tour.  There was no opening act: Neal Schon and Jonathan Cain sparred for 30 minutes. Unfortunately the humor was lost on Schon and Cain: instead of boxing, each took a mic and complained about the other. At the end both threatened legal action, cut up their Journey credit cards, then came out as Journey, with no original members but Schon. 50 years and one facelift later (sorry, Neal), there they were.

Cain pissed off several entire versions of the band with his newfound relationship with God. Arnel, the singer, tweeted that he wanted none of that spiritual stuff. Cain asked God to help sort out their issues. God, a big Journey fan, washed his hands of the matter and told Cain it was his mess and he should clean it up. God then went off to the VIP section and seriously enjoyed the concert. After the show, Security maintained the stipulations of Journey's contract, which said there should always be at least 3 security people between Cain and Schon at all times. The entire band had to go through a metal detector on the way to the stage and coming off the stage, in case fans threw weapons. In Detroit, police were called when a small gunfight erupted (onstage). 

Cain had a chapel erected for himself and the band to pray. Only himself used it. Schon had a wall size mirror in his dressing room The show was filmed, but Neal had his own cameramen, focused on him, so he could watch himself play for the entire show. This caused a problem on "Don't Stop Believing" when Neal became infatuated with the guy onscreen and insisted on jamming with him. He turned furious when he discovered "that guy stole my licks!"

Yeah, I often lament the fact I can't get people, including my own family, to read this blog. It was driven home the other day when I sent an email to family members. Out of the entire lot, ONE let me know that the links I included were wrong. Normal, realistic people would just pack it in. Stubborn, sarcastic, social media non-influencers will just go on, pretending their family cares and seeking fulfillment from strangers on the internet. Thanks for reading!

this is one of my favorite memes of all time, but I don't know why

You Ate my Table

Your love is like  improperly prepared rat

Scientists Have Solved a Mystery About the Most Powerful Object in the Universe

Guilt.

Today I identify as  Michaelangelo's penis

Ban all gambling adverts, say more than half of Britons

For the benefit of American and other readers, I will translate British to English:

"We are a nation of people who do what the television tells us, especially the ads. We abandoned all personal responsibility years ago. Please take the bad stuff away so we can get back to overfeeding our pets and life insurance commercials."

Freddie Mercury: Queen star's friend Mary Austin to auction his personal treasures

She's 72 and wants to put her affairs in order. Some of the proceeds will go to charities.

It's been 30 years since Freddie left. 30 years. The movie, although somewhat sanitized, gave an interesting look into the private and professional sides of Freddie. By the end, you almost knew him, as well as his relationship with Mary.

Asking the Big Questions: Freddie influenced and entertained millions. He left behind his music and all of his worldly possessions. Was it a good life? If you were Freddie, would you say you had it all and when you left, you were happy? What were you most happy about? Your legacy? Your fulfilled life? An effect you had on one person?

In the end, a person you didn't know will own your house. Another will own your stage costumes. Is there a lesson here? The problem, as I see it, is that we don't hear from enough dead people to help us put things in perspective.

Nothing really matters. Anyone can see. Nothing really matters. Nothing really matters to me.

I am proud to announce the new Cisco Internet of Things Firewall. I was privileged to work with Cisco on the project, and brought my love for my technology with me. Here is a draft of the instructions

1. plug in the Cisco and get the updates
2. plug your IoT network into the jack labeled IoT
3. plug the network you want to protect from IoT into the jack labeled LAN
4. pull the power plug from the Cisco

You are now protected from all issues the IoT will bring to your network.

Cisco recommends the No Wire option, where the IoT jack isn't attached to anything, in case some ass plugs the Cisco back in.

Cisco and I are collaborating on the CLOUD Firewall. It works the same as the IoT Firewall, but says THE CLOUD on it. This will satisfy the CEO and his buddies because his network uses THE CLOUD.

In the pipeline is the AI Firewall, because THE CLOUD is last week's buzzword. The current buzzword is AI - Artificial Intelligence. All C-level executives must use the buzzword at least once in every sentence. lest they be though of as out of touch. Even the janitorial staff asks the CEO how the AI project is coming along, when the CEO goes to the men's room.

Magna’s new rearview mirror cleverly integrates a driver-monitoring system

You need to check the mirror sometimes, but this mirror's always watching you. Ugh.

As sea levels rise, the East Coast is also sinking

Meh... I never liked New Jersey anyway

 

• I'm enjoying my new phone from werk: the iDevice. No wait. I didn't say that. I'm enjoying that I only have to charge it weekly. I'm still not sure how to operate it, but that doesn't matter. I just have to answer it when it rings, which I can definitely manage. It's a piece of werk equipment, therefore I don't play with it. I use it for werk.
• After not being able to get the last one to ring for a long time, someone made me aware of the mute switch, so I'm ahead on that one thing.
• Unfortunately I'm not so lucky with Teams, which I have to use. It's like they put it together to purposely annoy the users. It has a special feature: the further up the chain the messenger, the less likely Teams will notify me of their message or text. So I get DING DING all day when my coworkers post something stupid about their nose piercings, but nothing when my boss asks me to do something. I've often thought Microsoft hates me almost as much as I hate it.

Speaking of Microsoft, in yet another bid to piss everyone off, they're discontinuing accessories and making them only for Surface. So if you like the $59.99 ergonomic keyboard, you can have it for $129. Don't forget the cameras and everything else. The ergo keyboards and mice are the only thing I like from Microsoft. Wankers.

IMGUR breaks the internet:

As of May 15, 'pornographic' or sexually explicit images are not allowed, with the existing images deleted.  In their stated effort to be diverse, they will be diverse to everyone except those with adult content. No 'hate speech' either. The Right must've whined again. Meanwhile, content from the beginning of Imgur will be deleted. This will delete content from Reddit and all the other social media sites.

I read a lot of Robert Heinlein growing up. Even science fiction dealt with the circular nature of societies. We don't want to go there. Personal responsibility has gone out the window. If there is something we don't like, we're free to ignore it. Delete or turn the page. Stop forcing your issues on the rest of us.

The body being 'dirty' came directly from religion, to keep us in line.

I often say we are a nation of morons. Unfortunately it turns out we are a planet of morons...

Russian forces suffer radiation sickness after digging trenches and fishing in Chernobyl

Who saw that coming? 

 Maurizio Cattelan: Banana artwork eaten by Seoul museum visitor

 He was hungry 

Principal forced to resign over Michelangelo's David visits sculpture

Fired because the historic artwork had a penis. Parents were outraged, probably because they don't have a penis.

Man's viral worm dance at charity event wows Rita Ora

You laugh, but this Viral Worm Dance will usher in world peace!

Teenage Mutant Lesbian Nuns

Your love is like  reading the bible on the Moon

India-based cybergang busted for selling fake KFC franchises

At least there won't be any cyber-burgers

Today I identify as  beaten to a pulp with the start of the election season

Wife (to friend): I wouldn't have believed it if you told me. There were literally sparks the first time we met.

Me (internally): Should I tell her the air was dry and had a lot of static electricity in it?  Nah.

Much to our (financial) dismay, President Giveaway announced he'll be running again in 2024.

One of the Secret Service guys asked him if he'll still be running in 2024 and he said yes. Every morning he jogs .25 miles to the front door for the newspaper.

Regardless, he'll need some slogans...

• This was the best the dems could do in 2020. And now in 2024.
• Now giving away your money for EIGHT years.
• You thought taxes were bad now....
• Huh? 
• Every bit as deluded as the republicans.
• 80 is the new 90!
• The oldest man in the... ummm... White thingie. House.
• Making cognitive decline a worldwide thing
• Another advertisement for the Libertarian Party.

Biden says he wants to finish the job in a 2nd term.

He means taking the rest of your money, your childrens' money, and their childrens' money.

Didn't he do enough damage in his first term? 

Your Government(s) at Work  

US

IRS Wants to Buy Internet Mass Monitoring Tool

The U.S. military and FBI have previously bought access to netflow data

FBI and others urge Meta to halt encryption plans, citing child abuse risk

How can we spy on you if you encrypt your data? It's for the children 

NSO Group Used 3 Zero-Click iPhone Exploits Against Human Rights Defenders

NYPD blues: Cops ignored 93 percent of surveillance law rules

Private Israeli spyware used to hack cellphones of journalists, activists worldwide

This tool tells you if NSO’s Pegasus spyware targeted your phone

UK

NHS England considered using Palantir tech to manage strike disruption

UK Introduces Mass Surveillance With Online Safety Bill

Surrey and Sussex police unlawfully recorded phone calls via app, watchdog finds

How China Censored Research About Covid-19

Conversations with  my Dog 

Me: Listen, your toys are all over the place. We keep tripping over them.

Her: Yes.

Me: Can't you put them away?

Her: You don't put your stuff away, why should I?

A dispute over Southwest Airlines' mask policy led to a passenger punching a flight attendant.

Incidents like these have been on the rise in the US, according to the Federal Aviation Administration. There have been 2,500 reports of "unruly behaviour" by passengers in 2021, says the agency, compared to 100-150 during a typical year. Most of the incidents were related to the federal mask mandate.

Gee, isn't that interesting. Let's get past the point that it's NFG to harm an airline employee. Attendants did not make the rules, although it might be more difficult to get into the CEO's office to smack him.

We're not happy about mask mandates. It shows up in the ridiculous rise in violence (by complete idiots).  Dear Ding Dongs: there are better ways of venting your displeasure.  Still, displeasure must be vented. I know some offices in DC that are ripe for your communication.... whether or not I agree with you.

I have never heard so many people saying they smelled a rat, when the Flying AIDS hit. Even people who swallow whatever is fed to them.

Don't forget - science tells us that stopping a Flying AIDS particle with a generic mask is like stopping a golf ball from getting through a basketball hoop. K95 masks will stop a particle. If it matters.

Just because we have a large slot machine in the bathroom doesn't mean we're weird.

Does it?

Some like to read, some like to surf. Perhaps some like to pull levers. 

Why is there a tabletop slot machine in the bathroom? Is it a permanent fixture?

No, we have to figure out how it works. Since that's important, we put it where we'd remember.

Remind me to look in the toilet before I sit.

MOON LANDING?

The Japanese are landing the first private craft on the Moon. In the craft is their 22lb (357 litres Canadian) rover called Rashid. Rashid is the most common female name in Japan (no it isn't). The lander will be out of contact during its path on the dark side of the Moon*. This is a problem NASA and everyone else has dealt with in any Moon trip. Concast jumped in and said they'd wire the dark side of the Moon, so we're never out of contact. Concast will also be providing internet access to the Moon. Since the solar system is not currently wired for the internet, Concast will use its standard cost of $10,000 per mile to the planet, then $5,000 per block on the Moon. The distance to the Moon is 238,855 miles, bringing the first phase of the charges to $238,550,000, payable now, NASA. Things get more difficult with the $5,000 per block charge and all tasks will be halted until we determine what a block is. Concast warned ispace that the cable they're stringing to the Moon is fragile and vulnerable to breakage from space junk or any alien ships that might fly by. They want ex-president Trump to warn Space Force not to break the cable (again), on their mission, which nobody really understands but pays for just the same. The Pentagon also looked into the signal dropping on the far side of the Moon. The problem was explained graphically, with crayons, so they would understand that the Moon itself blocked the signal, so they were out of touch. The best minds at the Pentagon got together and solved the problem in under a year: blow up the Moon. If you send a few nukes to it, there will be no Moon left to get in the way of the signal. NASA saw to it that the Pentagon got party hats and extra ice cream sandwiches that month.

*David Gilmour was justifiably proud of his song being used as a theme. Roger Waters said it shouldn't be used because of the plight of the Palestinians. UC Berkeley hopes there are no Jews or Zionists on the Moon. Nick Mason, heretofore silent, said he's incredibly proud of Pink Floyd and Waters is just compensating for a medical condition called micro-penis.

The weight of the craft went off the scale because of the Space Lasers necessary to keep the Chinese from blowing it up. Although the craft would not land for 24 hours, the Russians claimed credit for the craft and said it already landed. North Korea says theyhave  a weapon that will blow up the lander after it has landed on the Moon. The weapon is already in orbit around the Moon. America immediately went on alert, with the Pentagon demanding $125,000,000 for anti-North Korean Moon orbit weapons (ANKMOWs). President Giveaway said no(!) but the Pentagon ignored him and ordered the weapons anyway.

People still around from NASA's Apollo days are suspicious that ispace won't be able to pull it off. They cite the lack of technicians in the control room with ties, pipes, and thick, dark glasses. There wasn't even a single pocket protector. How can you land on the Moon without a protractor? 

The lander is getting closer and closer to the Moon. The technicians assure us that this is very good, if one wants to land on the Moon. Otherwise it is very bad. Yes, the lander has... landed. What are those red and blue strobing lights? Shit - it's the Space Police. They said the lander is not displaying a license plate. They're asking for license, registration, and insurance information. What? They want to know if it's alright to have a look inside the capsule. No, Officer, there is nothing inside that you need to know about. Those panties are my wife's - they're a good luck charm. No, I didn't know I couldn't hang them from the mirror. No, none of us can walk a straight line: Moon gravity is 1/6th of Earth's. What do you MEAN the windshield tint is too dark? We're in space, we have to protect ourselves from the Sun. Look, Beauford, have your boss check with ispace. You'll find out everything is in order. OOPS, NASA has informed us that the aliens have pulled off another of their famous Space Pranks. Good one, Grays.

Despite English not being the first language of some of the commentators, they have managed to squeeze in "super good". Even the aliens referred to their joke as "super funny." The alien mission commander said they have to stop watching so much Earth tv.

The entire operation was on schedule. On schedule, that is, until the craft landed. If it landed. After it was supposed to land, it never got back in contact with its parent. Isn't that always the case? ispace assumes it crashed. Bummer.

I feel inferior.

No., wait, I always feel inferior, but this time I feel inferior as an American.

Let me explain:

1. I have never sued anybody. I have failed the legal system, even though I've been sued repeatedly.
2. I haven't found a single thing to be offended by. As a citizen of the world, this is unheard of, unknown, psychologically unhealthy, and downright icky (technical term). My short-term solution is houndstooth; it really offends, upsets, and aggravates me. Unfortunately this does not have the cache of being offended by a social cause or anything significant. I continue to work on finding something more significant to be offended by.
3. My only real cause is Left Handed History Month and REPARATIONS for my southpawed bretheren and sisterethren. Although I work diligently, I don't have guilt on my side, so I can't make right handed people do what I want.

This is as close to a personal improvement project as we get here.

Life is a Series of Major Disappointments. Then Things get Bad.

Your love is like  beetle milk

It's rough being dyslexic. My friend says those marital arts movies are always disappointing.

Today I identify as  an irritant

Speaking of werk, my boss is out tomorrow. I suggested I run the daily meeting. Because I have absolutely no experience with the product, I am uniquely suited to run things.

Ukraine war: Leak shows Western special forces on the ground

Of course there are troops there. Biden learned well from Obama's No Boots on the Ground promise. Lying fucks. We will never get out from under the Military Industrial Complex. ---> We were warned.

Conversations with my Dog

Me: You sure sneeze a lot.

Her: Yes I do.

Me: Out of 4 dogs, you're the only one who sneezes. A couple of times a day. 

Her: Yup.

Me: Why do you sneeze?

Her: Why do you sneeze?

Me: Because your hair gets up my nose.

Her: Bingo!

Don't get me wrong: I love that it's getting warmer - maybe even sunnier (ok, less cloudy). But the sun makes the weeds grow, which means MOWING. The doctors can't figure out what the problem is, but I think it was a nasty incident with a mower when I was little. Maybe it was a Stephen King thing, where it came alive and chased me. It's not far from that now, metaphorically. I had to mow the weeds last week. I didn't want to because it would be setting the bar too high with the new neighbors. Although I suspect they already know.

 San Francisco fog defeats pack of Waymo robo-taxis

No, honestly, they're perfectly ready for prime time.

We're their beta testers, like Windows. 

Satan Clubs Should Be Allowed in Schools

I maintain that satanists are the best friend of the First Amendment. Whenever the rabid religionoids try to legislate (only) their religion, the satanists pop up. Rather than allow a satan club, the religionoids close up shop.

 On March 31, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) filed suit against Pennsylvania's Saucon Valley School District after it dismantled the "After School Satan Club," an after-school program sponsored by the Satanic Temple with chapters across the country, alleging the club failed to communicate that it was not formally sponsored by the district. The ACLU argues that the removal was actually motivated by the hundreds of angry messages the district received from local parents and the general public. 

Yeah, let's be serious here. It was the calls, of course. Religious freedom only exists when it benefits their religion. The court will decide, as they have in the past, that the Satan club has every right to be there, as do the atheists. 

Twitter claims dead celebs are subscribing to Blue from beyond the grave

Is there anything Musk can't do?

lefty Restaurant Review: The Azteca

You know that guy.. the guy who's always screaming into his phone because he thinks the person on the other end can't hear him?  He was 20' away from where we were sitting. His voice was LOUD and clear. If God, or one of his representatives (the official ones) made an announcement, they'd use this guy, whose voice carries to the next city. Naturally he wasn't the kind of guy who just sits there with nothing to say. No, he went on and on. Then went on and on. Nobody in the entire restaurant cared about anything he had to say and I was wondering what it would take to shut him up. The problem wasn't going to be around too much longer, judging by the sheer amount of paper airplanes, handguns, poison darts, and poison frogs that the other patrons were aiming.

While we were waiting to get sat, we watched about 10 employees walk around, none saying so much as a word in our direction. "Not again," I said to Wife. "These people have 5 minutes. Not to seat us, just to acknowledge our presence, or the pants come down." As we watched yet another employee pass us, I said, "4 minutes." Wife asked me if I was glad we waited, as a very attractive Mexican lady greeted us. She asked if we minded sitting at a booth near the bar. I said fine, provided she told everyone to shut up. Apparently she didn't hear me.

I don't want to say their girly frozen strawberry margaritas were potent, but it's been 4 hours and I'm typing this while hanging upside from the chandelier.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the food. It was really good. 

AT&T launches medical radar device that monitors older adults through walls

AT&T wants you to know that there is absolutely nothing creepy about this.

Study Finds High-Speed Rail Increases Happiness

The study found Chinese people were two percent happier on average living near high-speed rail

What have we learned?

• the Chinese are easily amused
• People are 25% happier with an adult store in their neighborhood. 

They're coming out of the woodwork - with guns

• Two Texas cheerleaders shot after one gets into wrong car - the small 18 year old cheerleader looked dangerous, so he shot her
• Kaylin Gillis: Driveway shooting suspect shows no remorse - police  - had no idea why the police where there, but didn't shoot at them
• Then there was the girl who, with malice aforethought, rang the wrong doorbell. Yup, she got shot too.
• Washington divided on how to stop mass shootings - Here we go: Gun Banning Theater. They have no idea how to stop it... it's all hot air.

Please Stop Crashing Trains So Much, Agency Responsible for Safety Regulation Asks Railroads

Now this is the kind of forward thinking we need in government. It's action. It's reasonable and it costs nothing. This advice would  have saved countless lives in Amtrak crashes in DC and PA.

North Dakota Senate Rejects Free School Lunches Then Votes to Increase Its Own Meal Budgets

CAUGHT!

But it's ok, we'll just vote the other party in next time.

Florida Democrats Troll DeSantis By Trying To Ban His Book

DeSantis signed a controversial law last year that makes banning books in schools easier.

That's funny.

Of course, neither party has anything serious to do at the moment.

Where in the world is Dianne Feinstein? 

Does even Dianne Feinstein know?

The 89-year-old senator has missed 60 votes of the 82 taken in 2023.

She's so old and forgetful, she might run for president. 

The show must go on

Laura Benanti: Actress says she went on stage while having miscarriage

#respect

This is not the only case of serious infirmity in theater...

• Sir John Gielgud performed after his loan payment was late and they broke his leg
• Lady Emma Thompson did Funny Girl nude. Not because it was written that way - because she wanted to.
• Sir Barbara Streisand tried to do Funny Girl nude, but the show closed during the first scene. At least it took attention away from her nose.
• The entire cast of Harry Potter performed after inhaling anthrax, thinking it was cocaine.
• It has recently come out that Sir Paul McCartney performed a Beatles concert in 1967 under the influence of marijuana. Scotland Yard is investigating.
• Sir Jimi Hendrix did a short tour opening for the Monkees. He was out of his mind with shame and regret, but performed beautifully. His tour manager is still in hiding, 53 years after Jimi's death.

BMW almost went broke, offering to put turn signals on their cars. It was initially a joke, because BMW drivers don't have to use turn signals. In the quest for Most Useless add-ons, Polestar has come up with a real winner: replacing the rear window with a hi-def screen. This way no one will be bothered by what's going on behind the 'SUV coupe.' Not to be outdone, BMW bounced back: in addition to the back seat 31" tv's, there is a 13" tv for the driver, on which he can watch anything he wants, except the road. Built-in Eye Watchers watch the driver to see if he mistakenly takes his eyes off the display and reminds him with a siren, then steel bolts in his eyes. The greatest accessory is the option to replace the tinted front windshield with a mirror. This way the driver can look at himself all the time, instead of bothering with all that nasty driving. BMW drivers hail it as The Ultimate Driving Accessory and have been standing in line for the upgrade. BMW officials are still evaluating a $10,000 battery option. This will replace the seats with batteries. The car won't be electric, but it will explode eventually. They're calling it the Tesla Experience. For people who don't want to spend $10,000 at once, there is a $5,000 per month option which will provide a 12 year old to hack your car whenever you're not in it. Minimum is 12 months. Its working name is 'The Hyundai/Kia Experience." BMW has saved billions on auto-driver software, because all cars automatically get out of the way for BMWs.

What Doesn't Kill Me Makes Me VERY Angry

Your love is like  overcooked popcorn smell in the microwave (and your entire house)

most popcorn experiments in my youth turned out rather badly. For some reason, the stove popcorn tended to blow up and catch on fire, like a Tesla.

Today I identify as   Millard Fillmore, late president and inspiration for the Fillmore East and Fillmore West concert venues. Guess which half of that I made up.

I'm looking at a food wrapper with the words "Italian Style Meats" on it.

Is this the same as calling Olive Garden "Real Imitation Italian-Style food?"

American cheese is "Pasteurized Processed American Cheese food product"

Pizza Hut is "pizza indistinguishable in taste from its box".

I guess it's some sort of Truth in Labeling law.

It's a shame other things don't have labels....

• Hyundai/Kia: $250 tires and kids can hack into it
• Tesla: Do Not Enter - On Fire or will be soon
• Labradoodle: Invent-A-Breed!
• Crocs: When you need people to know you're an idiot
• belly shirts: Hey fat chicks - don't let the haters get you down - huge bellies are HOT!

I just got RAPED.

Well, not physically, but my butt hurts.

In reference to above, Hyundai/Kia are made in the same factory. Recently a video showed up on TikTok on how to hack the cars. Strangely I never received a call from the dealer. Last night the key fob was either abducted by aliens or decided to follow all my dark wash into some other dimension. This made it extremely difficult to drive the car. Or get into the car. Since I don't have a TikTok account (the Chinese keep trying to steal my data. And my house.) I can't even hack into it.

The gentleman who showed up to help told us this was going to be expensive, if he could even pull it off. It seems Hyundai/Kia has taken advantage of the hack to raise prices through the fscking roof, and there are very few to be had. Thank you, Hyundai/Kia; may you experience this in your own cars. Without getting too specific, the fscking fob was $400. The little fscking key insert was $200. I tabled my plans for a backup set, just like I tabled plans for more guitars. It almost seems to be a race to spend MY money: everything else, or me. I am generally the last to cross the finish line. If you watch closely, you can see me beating myself about the head and shoulders with the baton.

I need to emphasize this never happened when we had manual locks, manual start, but fortunately not manual windows. And THE CLOUD [religious fanfare]. I foresee ten years into the future, where you will have to fingerprint scan, face scan, iris scan, and voice your Social Security number to unlock the car. You don't want to know what it will take to start the car.

Stay tuned for more of The lefty Show, when all the windows in the house spontaneously decide they like it outside better and spring out of their frames, to the ground. When the 25lb dog goes up against the 150lb Lab and 100lb Pit, causing thousands of dollars of vet bills. At least the Lab and Pit will run away when they see her again. When the car's computer decides it doesn't like the new key and refuses to speak to it anymore. When said computer tries to run Windows and turns into a brick, turning the car into a brick. A nice-looking brick. When the fence pulls an AUNTIE EM AUNTIE EM and flies away into the sky, taking our garage with it. When we think for a moment and realize we don't have a garage.  When old lefty gives up and just laughs insanely until they bury him. Possibly after.

Space dust that regularly hits Earth could contain proof of alien life

I have the key to life, the universe, and everything, all over my house!

Meanwhile at home.....

ACHOO

Bless you.

Thank you.

Maybe you're allergic to dust.

If I were allergic to dust, I'd have been dead a long time ago.

 You know how there's always one guy who doesn't get the joke?

FBI: Rent-a-Hitman site nabbed Air National Guardsman who was “excited” to kill

Yes, this gag site snared a not-too-bright fellow, who wanted to be a hitman. Someone should have explained to him that his particular talent was only to be reserved for his country, not for rent. Or go to the dark web. Unfortunately he couldn't find the dark web with detailed crayon drawings.

He probably got caught when he tried to pick up some FBI chicks at a bar. He bragged to them he was a hitman, on the Hitman 'R' Us social network. Or the FBI sent him a snail mail invitation to the Be A Hitman in 90 days website. It must've been a slow week.

NOTE to laptop manufacturers: put the mic and headphone jacks toward the rear of the unit. The cables always get in the way.

• If you're having a particularly hard time with your birthday, remember this: the next day you'll be the same age, but your problems will all still be there, plus you can face the horror of new and better problems!

Pentagon Says Reaper Drone Spotted 'Metallic Orb' UFO in Middle East

• UFO Theater is back!! For a limited time only!! 
• Still no info on the last shootdowns - so much for transparency.

New Zealand, known mainly for an accent sounding like Australia's, was minding its own business, getting ready for the cat-killing competition for children, when there was 'a bit of an objection.'

I have questions.

1. What enlightened soul thought this would be a good idea?
2. What enlightened soul thought this would be a good idea for children?
3. What enlightened soul's boss approved this?
4. Have these people never heard of the internet?

The boss' boss got involved after the small objection.

The good thing was that there was not going to be a cat shooting.

The bad thing was that he gave it back to the same 2 nincompoops to fix.

They came up with new ideas.

• cat owner shooting
• shooting the children 
• tripping and falling over terminal hospital patients
• pushing pregnant women down steps

New Zealand cabinet reaches gender equality for the first time

This explains the cat shooting. Because it's not the product, it's the gender equality of the producers. Somebody's taking President Giveaway too seriously.