RIP Tina Turner (83) - the Queen of Rock
Your love is like boiled cat
I walk by the tv and Wife is watching this show where humongous ants are running around, devouring people. I told her to stop watching the news - it causes nightmares.
Today I identify as malazy
Passenger 'voted' off of Trenton-Atlanta Frontier flight after altercation
Yes, welcome to Airplane Survivor! Ooh, sorry, you've been voted off the plane. But it could be worse; you were on the tarmac. The last person was voted off over the Atlantic Ocean. On the last flight out of Trenton (NJ), the passengers voted off the pilot.
Conversations with my Dog
Me: Why do you sometimes take forever to eat?
Her: oh, that's on the days you give me some tuna with my food
Me: But why?
Her: Do you have any idea how difficult it is to lick between every piece of kibble to get the tuna?
Me: I see.
Her: You know at the zoo, where they give balls to the bears and watermelons to the tigers? It's called Enrichment Activities, to keep them stimulated and interested. I don't like fruit, so I keep myself busy licking tuna from in between dog food. It keeps me very stimulated and interested. After I'm done, I keep looking, as if tuna magically reappeared in my bowl.
Me: You live a rich life.
Her: Could you move, please? I need that spot on your pillow.
‘Asian Less’ AI Model Turns Asian People White
AI is in its infancy. This means it's very interesting to watch it grow. Already the creators have added limits so as not to offend people or groups or discuss certain topics. Another is the one above, although it's usually in the opposite direction.
Make sure your AI is not modified (and good luck with that).
A poop time capsule. You're probably saying to yourself, "Jeez, why didn't *I* think of that?" Our traditional time capsules always contain the same old boring crap, as do the satellites we send out of the neighborhood. It's time to put the fun back in time capsules. Hmmm... let's think of some...
- poop (duh)
- used feminine hygiene products
- a few different types of pr0n
- more poop
- a really really large bra, like a G or H
- a season of Americans Idle or The Masked Furry (see: poop)
- an entire day's pharmaceutical commercials (warning: can cause death)
- Adam Sandler
Clarence Thomas Had a Child in Private School. Harlan Crow Paid the Tuition.
Oh great. Now the Judicial branch of government is acting like the Legislative branch.
Now that everybody knows, Thomas can send the bills to President Giveaway. Why not - he pays for everything else.
Maybe it's not the same in your house, but another thing that differentiates women from men is the woman's ability to remember things (like something you did 10 years ago that PISSED HER OFF). It has great potential to affect things, like most things in a relationship. When my nephew was born, the first thing Wife said was how much he looked like me when I was a baby. HOW does she know that? Unless I seriously mis-guessed, she wasn't there when it happened. She's tricky and talented, but she couldn't have pulled that one off. She also can't time travel (I hope). Maybe she's the alien I've been looking for and she can travel anywhere, anywhen. Even *I* don't know what I looked like when I was a baby, plus I paid well to have all the pictures destroyed.
The only positive thing to come from this was his mother's reaction to her newborn looking like me: all the color drained from her face and you could hear her internal voices screaming NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Today ThermionicEmissions brings you our first Guest Spot. Our guest author's name is Hymie Leftowitz, my distant cousin (very removed). Please make him feel welcome.
Today I discovered a tv show called Jewish Matchmaking.
The first thing I thought was. "Gee, I could take the ball and really run with it."
The second thing I thought was, "I really need to stop the sports metaphors - I don't like sports."
To explain this correctly, I need to refer you to an old joke:
Q. Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
A. Because they want to.
Jewish matchmaking is a misnomer: most Jewish guys won't date Jewish girls. Or, true to stereotype, their mother told them they have to. Those who date Jewish girls are masochists, who do not or will not learn from experience. My cousin lefty dated a Jewish girl once. Once. He's too proud to tell you he's still in therapy. So instead he marries a shiksa with more personalities than a priest has altar boys. He's not Jewish, but he should be.
Jewish matchmaking is also an oxymoron, like 'happily married' or 'cheap wedding.'
For some reason, Jewish moms want their sons to marry Jewish women. Jewish dads don't care, so long as Mom isn't in the room. Jewish moms want their daughters to marry Jewish men too, but can make exceptions for doctors and lawyers. Jewish women are just like any other woman getting married: a total nightmare of a Bridezilla, insisting the ceremony be only for and about her personal fairy tale. The difference is that Jewish women want their second, third, and fourth weddings to be their personal fairy tale too. Mothers don't generally worry about their young daughters dating outside of the religion because Catholic schools and well-informed parents teach that Jews have horns, are the devil incarnate, and are almost as cheap as the Scots.
So the nice Jewish boys eventually marry nice Jewish girls, because their mother is one.
The other Jewish boys eventually marry Catholic girls because they don't want their wife to turn into their mom. Scholars have written books and teach college courses on this psychology. Woody Allen made an entire career joking about it.
Jewish boys are held to less stringent requirements by their fathers. They can marry whoever they want, but they will get more in the will if they marry a nice Jewish girl like Michelle Pfeiffer, Jennifer Lawrence, Jennifer Aniston, or Julia Roberts (go ahead, look it up). I showed my cousin lefty this list and he almost shot himself; most of his favorites were there. But he's sticking with the shiksa with more personalities than Brad Pitt has girlfriends. Oy vay.
Hopefully I have explained this well. If not, I refer you to another old joke:
Q. What does a Jewish girl make for dinner?
A. Reservations.
And that is why Jewish Matchmaking can't be a real show.
Thank you, Cousin lefty. I'll be back (that's a threat).
[lefty here]
Maybe if I get designated a hate group by the Anti-Defamation League, this blog will get more traffic. The ADL, incidentally, is also a hate group. They could find antisemitism in Chanukah.
Hymie was right - the list of 150 most beautiful Jewish actresses was astounding. And stunning. And probably incorrect, but wow...
This includes clear backpacks, meant to help the situation.Well, that should stop all violence, right? It sends a very clear message to the students: if you're bringing a weapon to school, keep it in your pocket.
Somebody is calling for a vote to ban books from schools too. Authorities suspect the students.
STOP it. Just STOP. They should not, and I will not, take every group into consideration when I write something funny. It's heartwarming to see (sorry) that the blind have gotten on the Offended Bus. Pretty soon we'll all have to speak only words and phrases that, according to some random committee, offend no one. The joke will be on them: the people who didn't get on the committee will be offended.
Writer: I have to test out some new material. Can try it out on you guys?
Guys: Sure!
Writer: A Polish guy and a Jewish guy go into a bar...
Oh no, not another Polack joke.
It's antisemitic!
Alcohol kills over 1,000 people a day in drunk driving accidents
Writer: I see. Let me try another. A priest and a rabbi go into a delicatessen..
Its antisemitic!
Here comes the child molester joke....
Meat is Murder!
Writer: Ok, 2 lesbians go into a lesbian bar
Why do you hate women?
I support LGBT, why are you such a HATER?
Oh c'mon - the city won't grant zoning to lesbian bars.
Writer: Two angels were perched upon the head of a pin...
Why does everybody hate Christians?
Is this an anorexic joke? That's a real thing, you know.
Do you hate paper clips too? Your guitar strings are made from metal, you know.
Writer: A person charged with upholding laws pulled over a person with no ethnicity or religion, and asked if she knew this was a one way street. The blonde driver said, "But Officer, I was only going one way."
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Oh man, that was hysterical - more blonde jokes!
Oh, so it's law enforcement officers now, is it.....?
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