CSI: New Jersey

 Your love is like  xxx parmesan, left out in the sun for 3 weeks

Amazon’s Plan to Track Worker Keystrokes: A Sign of Controls to Come?

It's been days since the last report of Amazon's somewhat draconian effort to watch their workers. Today's is keystroke logging. This is where every single keystroke is recorded so Amazon can see what you typed. This is more a malware tool than workplace spying. 

Amazon will not stop there, no sir. It's cooking up some more schemes to monitor its workforce

• bathroom scales and timers, to monitor your input, output, and time spent producing it
• time spent not typing
• audio monitors to hear if you're talking to someone too much - AI to figure out who 
• rabid dobermans to monitor you making sounds and getting up too much
• urethral and anal catheters, to avoid nasty bathroom breaks....

Today's Olympic News: the Russian ladies ballet team was accused of beating up the Dallas Cowboys, as well as spying on all the other teams.

Apple defends iPhone photo scanning, calls it an “advancement” in privacy

Nazis defend concentration camps, calling them an "advancement" in fighting antisemitism

Biden administration defends multi-billion dollar tax hike as "advancement" in allowing people to keep their own money

Today I identify as  a 767, hijacked to Nebraska

• We'd just like to say hello to whoever now owns Afghanistan; probably the Taliban
• in 20 years of American deaths and payments to the Military Industrial Complex, nothing has changed

Collision limbo

I expected this part of the aggravation to be the least aggravating. This just goes to show you that the glass is always half empty, even if you decide to go with the half full explanation. They were in touch weekly, hence my ease with the process. Only now do I realize that they're just like the rest of the people we've dealt with lately, only they hired a very friendly phone representative to call me and tell me things are going well and on time. Only he stopped calling and giving me Finished By dates when we got two weeks beyond them. The last excuse was someone ordered or delivered the wrong parts, and somebody had to learn Swahili to get the parts exchanged.

This only makes me wonder what the next problem will be, because you know everything that happens to us will only become a struggle and wind up in limbo. 

"Oh gee, yah, we're really sorry, but we only have 3 tires on the car right now. We had to reorder the 4th tire because they sent us three car tires and one farm tractor tire, which winds up being a few feet taller than the actual car. We can install it temporarily, if you want, but you'll probably get pulled over by the police, because your tire obstructs 100% of the view on that side of the car. On the positive side, you'll never get caught in mud or snow.

I shiver to think of what would happen if I had to take the car in for a broken heater knob....

Dealer: Well, we fixed the heater knob - it was just a fuse

ME: a fuse for a knob?

Dealer: happens all the time. However....

ME: however?

Dealer: when the heater knob broke, it sent a spike up the electrical system and fried the car's brain.

ME: does that make my car... brainless?

Dealer: so brainless, it could work in DC

ME: and how long is THIS going to take?

Dealer: no prob, mon, we do this all the time. Should be a few weeks to six months maximum.

ME: SIX MONTHS?

Dealer: yeah, your car is special. It takes longer. Plus the chip shortage has hurt us all. Might even push it out to a year.

ME: I've owned the car for 2 years, of which I've driven it 3 months.

Dealer: yeah, that's how it works sometimes.

ME: hey, ya know that large check I'm giving you?

Dealer: yes.

ME: It could take 6 months to a year.

Dealer: Oh, here comes your car now. All done!

• the Feds seized thousands of fake vaccination cards
• it's great that the Flying AIDS has created income for so many - first Big Pharma, now fake jab cards

Tropical Storm Henri could be forming in an atmosphere near you. So far 16 countries have come together and refused to participate in storms until they're given proper names.

• President Giveaway II has boosted the food stamp benefits 25%, the largest increase in history
• Lovely. High unemployment benefits and nobody works. Will high food stamps cause people to stop eating? 

Couple caught having sex on Bondi beach cliff top in front of shocked sunbathers during Sydney lockdown

Now this is how you celebrate the Flying AIDS! Knowing Australia, they were thrown in jail and will never be seen again.

 The U.S. government has opened a formal investigation into Tesla’s Autopilot partially automated driving system after a series of collisions with parked emergency vehicles.

What could Teslas have against parked emergency vehicles? Are they just flouting authority? When will they start catching fire and exploding? Teslas are good at catching fire and exploding.

Surprisingly enough, Tesla is being demonized for its autopilot; not because of crashes (it's not supposed to be used as a true driverless car), but because it doesn't spank the idiot drivers enough when they treat it like a driverless car.  In other news, the Biden administration has decreed all forks produced from 2021 on must have engraved on them: WARNING - DO NOT STICK IN EYE.

• The Cure Bassist Simon Gallup Announces Departure From Band
• took 40 years to realize band's output was ....  bad 

At a certain point in my musical development, I developed a very large, very loud amplifier called a Marshall. It was 50 watts (British watts are louder than American watts) (no they're not) and had four 12" speakers. This was legendary for me and loud for my parents. As soon as I got going, I'd hear TURN IT DOWN. 

But Mom, the Marshall tube amp sounds better the louder you turn it up, due to the even-order harmonic distortion and power sag from the output tubes.

Mom was sympathetic, as she had to put up with me all my life, but it wasn't entirely relevant to her.

It was completely irrelevant to my idiot neighbor, who called the police. What could we expect from someone who painted their concrete steps? The nice policeman also failed to understand my electronic explanation of why the amp sounded better louder, so I explained using his toaster. It turned out he largely didn't care, and told us if he had to come back, he'd be upset.

  *this was a common Philly Police trick - intimidate the victim

Mom asked the policeman if the very large police station had any practice facilities for bands with loud amplifiers, also failing to impress the fine fellow.

Years went by. My brothers grew up. 

I got louder.

Now I pass cars that make my car vibrate with their sound systems. Without thinking, the first thing that comes out of my mouth is, "TURN THAT NOISE DOWN."

G-bus, I have become my parents.

Could be much worse...

• 80% of Pennsylvanians have received 1st dose of Flying AIDS vaccine.
• said the CDC, throwing around more random numbers 

So I'm sitting in the lefty office, feeling like Advanced Death, when the dog stops by. I'm impressed that she's sitting with me, trying to guard me. Until her mom walks upstairs, then she's off like a shot. 2nd place is better than last, I guess.

RIP Duane, Berry, Butch, and Greg

Lemon Coffee?

 Your love is like  a groin pull

Today's Olympic News: somebody is disputing something

Mrs. lefty sometimes goes into the local convenience store. The wife, a very sweet Indian lady, stops to talk with Mrs. lefty and they compare jewelry. Her husband likes to chat too. Yesterday he asked if she wanted her cigarette packs soft or HARD. I suppose he sees himself as swave and de-boner. I foresee a drop in visits to that store.

Today I identify as  certainly not Judy Garland, I'll tell you that.

Everybody misses Alan Rickman. He was great in movies, but I really loved his voice.

I always wanted to hear him sing I Feel Pretty 

I feel pretty.

Oh so pretty.

I feel pretty.

And witty.

And gay.

C'mon, you hear it too....

Limbo

So the only limbo left is Collision Limbo.

The smashed up almost new car was to be ready on time, last week.

It is now ready on time, this week.

I think they ordered the wrong body, which had to be put together in Korea, in spite of the fact the car is actually made in the US. This is the extent to which this particular collision center goes for their customers. Or at least for me. Because I'm special. Or at least that's what my mom always told me.

ME: You told me Thursday 

COLLISION: I didn't say which Thursday

• My work pc is annoyingly slow. I tracked it back to McAfee.
• Do you think it's because he's dead?

My mom makes this Chocolate Cake of Death. The cake is deep, rich, and heavy.

The icing is even heavier. It has some coffee in it.

At any family event, the cake is requested.

Mrs. lefty has spent over 20 years trying to get the recipe. Mom keeps saying she'll give her the recipe.

Now Mom has dementia and we can't get the recipe out of her.

How is this right? 

• Did Plato and Aristotle have last names?
• if my name were Plato Schwartz, I'd call myself Plato too 

Google was sued over the Google+ data leak

The case website with full details is at googleplusdatalitigation.com. The case was settled in June 2020, with Google agreeing to pay out $7.5 million. After losing about half of that money to legal and administrative fees, and with 1,720,029 people filling out the right forms by the October 2020 deadline, the payout for each person is a whopping $2.15.

Half of $7.5 million in legal fees. Half.

Fish with 'human' teeth caught in North Carolina

his health insurance doesn't cover dental 

Infrastructure Bill Could Enable Government to Track Drivers’ Travel Data

So they can charge a per-mile TAX.

I didn't vote for him.

• Have you died lately? I know I haven't. Check out this BBC documentary about near-death experiences. Lots of interesting stuff on this site.

Just when you think Big Brother has finally put another tetanus-covered nail in your coffin, Uber comes along and asked employees to allow cameras in their homes and bedrooms.

Now I'm surprisingly in favor of cameras in the bedroom (but only if I have control of them).

My employer? I'm not enough of an exhibitionist to make this work.

You'd think Uber would only be concerned about having a camera in the car.

Aside from updating your resume, what would you do?

• move the camera to the bathroom, focus entirely on the bowl, display your success each time
• frequently dance around the bedroom, sometimes as a family, singing Hava Nagila, and other Swedish folk songs
• set up your computer to send racy novels through the keylogger
• make bored sex noises before bed
• point the camera at someone else, who is actually working. There will be entire websites you can pay to capture someone working. It will become more popular than those naked cam sites!
• point the camera at Chaturbate or Grindr

My employer would be ok with any video, including adult, except one that in any way demeans minorities. My supervisor wouldn't care... I can't even get him to read my emails.

Along those lines, Apple promises it will reject government demands to use new child abuse image detection system for surveillance.  No, really, we swear.

Apple already checks iCloud files and images sent over email against known child abuse imagery, as do tech giants like Google, Twitter, Microsoft, Facebook, and Dropbox, who employ similar image hashing methods to look for and flag potential abuse material,

Read it again: the other services also 'scan' for child abuse material

Although we don't have any, what else is scanned?

Best assumption is everything. Proceed accordingly.

Ever get anything from a humongous worldwide shipper that rhymes with RedEx?

Of course you have - we all have.

Ever try to ship anything with them?

That was a trick question. The answer is you can't.

In my younger days, you'd call a number and they'd send a truck, post haste.

Those days have gone. They are so far in the rear window that it is easier to see Abraham Lincoln at his desk (with a slave or two underneath).

I got a next day envelope. I went to ship it back, prepaid.

This is when I discovered you can't ship anything with RedEx.

RedEx is cutting their costs by 'allowing' you to drop off your next day prepaid envelope at 'drop off points'. Sorry - it's prepaid, guys. You're coming to my house, even though it might kill at least one of us. And it will.

I went looking for a phone number and POOF, got their web page, which is full of color pictures and all sorts of irrelevant information, but no phone numbers. Eventually I found the contact page, but it was in Spanish. That makes perfect sense. Falling back on my 6 years of high school Spanish, I gave it a try. I got the phone numbers. Unfortunately they were for Spain.

These RedEx guys have it down.

On Fridays, they all get drunk and watch people attempt to use the website.

There's a chat box. But there are no representatives available, because they don't work on days ending in -y. There's an automated help box, where I ask it for a phone number. It silently mocks me. I ask it to just send a motherfscking truck to pick up a tiny prepaid envelope. It suggests I go to Shipping.

Shipping is the page I've been to over and over. It wants me to set up an account. I don't need an account, I need a colorful truck to show up sometime in the next 24 hours. This is not an option.

Finally I discover another option to schedule a pickup (YAY!).

I fill everything in, hit SUBMIT, then it stares at me, subtly giggling. Eventually it tells me not to resubmit and check with Scheduling. There IS no Scheduling.

When I finally hit OK, it tells me the shipping number is wrong. Of course the shipping number is wrong - I copied it directly from the envelope, where it was typed in LARGE BLACK LETTERS. I did not mistype.

Sneaky bunch, these RedEx guys.

I saw a RedEx truck coming up the street. Quickly, I built a roadblock, put out some stop sticks, and stood there, holding my AR-13. The driver said he sympathized with my plight, but he couldn't pick up anything without it being scheduled. I was tempted to have his gas tank schedule itself to drop off the truck, but stupid karma would just catch up with me. Again.

RedEx's business plan counts on people getting frustrated and giving up trying to ship.

If I ever DO get in touch with RedEx, I'm going to ask them why they caused me more aggravation than the last 2 elections. They'll tell me they just want to make sure I'm serious about sending the envelope.

It's a good thing the envelope I'm sending isn't for antidepressants. I'd have shot myself.

This all feeds into my abject failure in all things electronic commerce. I wonder who I killed in a past life to cause this... Whenever I attempt to purchase something on the web, Wife has to take Dog and go on a Three Hour Tour, because she knows there will be screaming, pounding, and pleading (this is just typing in the url).  For a high tech guy, I feel like an abject failure every time. Concert tickets are the worst. And after I fail to get them online, I have to go to the box office, where there's a $25 surcharge for handing money to a human. So that's $325 plus tissues for nosebleed seats. 

I'm ok with Amazon, but that might just be a magic spell Jeff Bezos has put on the planet.

This might point to excrementally bad web design, in addition to my karma for having blown up several small, possibly inhabited planets in a past life. All of this is on large screens - heaven forbid this is tried from a phone! Everyone and their dog is a 'web designer' but, like everyone making music, not everyone should. C'mon - people with telescopes can't read that font size.

I'm good with Ebay too, but I think it's because I used to give them 15% of my income for guitar toys. Disposable income became indisposed. Must be my karma again... you see, I set a couple of nuns on fire... just a few... well I had to... they kept telling me I had sin and it was early in the morning, before sinning hours. If you think about it, the only people guilty of sin in advance are husbands.

• Some call me a contrarian.  I think not.

Missing a Mercedes in May, Maybe March

 Your love is like  a Brazilian wax

You will be thrilled to know we're out of Rental Car Limbo.

Ok, maybe not you, but we are.

When I say we're out of Rental Car Limbo, I mean we returned the car and bent over for the fees. Not only did somebody hit the car, the rental person managed to find 3 more things for our insurance to cover.

While speaking to our insurer, I discovered Renterprise charging us a $500 deductible was incorrect, and they should have known better. So in however many months it takes for the insurer to extend our rental days, that will be refunded too.

As for the Mercedes, Mrs. lefty's comment was that she'd take a different car.

As for Collision Limbo, the collision place called to let us know where they were in the process and confirm it would be ready when they said it would. I forgot to ask him if they could paint it metalflake blue. Dammit. Nice guy, great service.

There has been some motion in Badge Limbo. Notice that I didn't say I was one step closer to getting my badge - just that there has been motion. I have been hurt before, and I'm very cautious. I have hired a priest from the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster to help move me from Limbo.

Today I identify as  a hammer. I'll probably hammer in the morning.

• if I'm reading and listening to something, I can hear better if I look at the speaker

Because of voter-approved regulations in California, bacon may disappear.

Ya know, California is its own planet, provided for our amusement, but THIS could spell the end of it. Protesting, nuclear bombs, armed insurrection at the grocery store....

• Fauci says more 'pain and suffering' still ahead
• meaning he's still in office..

The legal limit on how much debt the U.S. government can owe was reimposed Sunday, kicking off a high-stakes battle over federal spending with dire implications for global financial markets.

A two-year deal to suspend the debt ceiling lapsed at midnight following inaction from Congress and President Biden to give the U.S. more borrowing authority. The Treasury Department will now begin taking what it refers to as “extraordinary measures” to prevent the U.S. from defaulting on its debt.

I didn't spend this money. You didn't spend this money. The people you voted for have, and haven't done a thing to fix it. Your president just put through a historic tax raise. Is this what you want?

People experiencing hair loss months after Covid infection...

Study: Vaccinated people can carry as much virus as others...

Follow the science  

• So the International Space Station was minding its own business, when a Russian module decided to FIRE RETRO ROCKETS, causing a bit of a problem with the shuttle's attitude control. NASA is sending some BLM protesters to the shuttle, for attitude control.

Got a Kindle that uses 3G to connect?

Not much longer.

2G and 3G are being repurposed for 4G and 5G, so phones and anything else that uses them won't work, unless they also can use 4G.

Or wifi.

HE ESCAPED....

Well, not so much escaped, as had to drive his wife. To CostCo.

I used to say "All good things come from CostCo,: but I don't say that anymore. Perhaps good things come from CostCo when I'm not doing the shopping there. 

It was a multi-purpose visit: to pick something up from the pharmacy, to 'get a few things,' and to replace a phone. We all know you don't 'get a few things' at CostCo. Yes, you need milk, but that $3,000 sofa is really comfortable. Yes, you need frozen shrimp, but that dining room table set would go nice in the.... dining room. [remember these...both will become more significant. This is a literary technique called I Dunno, because I'm not a literary person].

While at the pharmacy, I observed the process for Flying AIDS shots. It involved going to 4 windows and asking where do you get the shots. You also get a free eye test, looking around for the place to get shots before you ask. Then, just like the doctor's office, you sit there for 60 minutes and wait. I'm sure there was even more hilarity, but I just couldn't bear watching it.  [hint: they're not really free... your insurance covers it]

I noticed there were a ton of Russian people. It's not like there were a lot of them, but all the overhead announcements were in Russian.

I just have to break in here and say "Morena Beccarin.... whoooooo"

Back to CostCo, they have a kiosk with phones for the 4 carriers. We found out by accident this kiosk closes at 5:30, because she was there and they couldn't get her a new phone because they were closing. These fine folk are not CostCo employees, because for some reason, CostCo couldn't find anyone who took an IQ test and failed among their ranks. So they brought in the guys from BobCo Fly By Night Keystone Kops Phone Sellers, Inc. I mean, it started ok... she said she wanted a new phone. They tried to upsell and failed. The specs and demo phones were located around the corner from the phones with the prices. Gee, I can't Imagine why. Know this: if you want an android phone, you can have anything you want, as long as it's Samsung. Literally. No other phones. The guy said iPhone and we both laughed. And of the Samsung phones, you could have any of about 6, with not a ton of difference between them, except price. It's getting bad when even android phones are over a grand.... that used to be iPhone territory exclusively.

Having selected her phone (I like that one... my friend has it), we began the process. And when I say began the process, I mean Boris the Idiot stared at his screen and looked pathetic. You see, Boris the Idiot was a trainee, so he legitimately didn't know what to do (unless he's been in training for 4 weeks and is simply an idiot). Unfortunately, his mentor, Gandolf the Fat, was taking care of other customers, leaving Boris the Idiot to stab at numbers randomly, occasionally asking Gandalf the Fat some questions. Apparently BobCo didn't think it was important to staff the kiosk with anything more than (semi) warm bodies (with incredibly silly clothes - I mean when they stand next to a customer, you can't tell which one works there).

So this continued. I sat at the dining room table display (see, I told you) and checked my email and surfed a bit of pr0n. People are flipping obnoxious in public. The screaming children are bad enough, but the winner was the people talking on their phones, in speakerphone mode. If they're near and particularly loud, I join in on the conversation. It's usually pretty effective... they either turn it down or run to the other side of the store, This is why I surf pr0n at CostCo - apparently there's a mandate to be obnoxious.

Thirty minutes of Boris calling Gandolf over takes us to paying for the phone. I continue with email while Wife goes to pay. Fifteen minutes later, Wife re-arrives and politely fills me in on The Deal: she has to pay, then look for a manager to take her and the phone back to the kiosk, probably because people are stealing their own phones after they pay for them. Managers are very busy doing Manager Things, thus they are hard to find. This is where I helped: I shoplifted a refrigerator and POOF - instant manager. 

At this point, the frozen shrimp in the cart defrosted and I had a cart full of little shrimp running all over the place, scaring the children.  While I'm sitting, some bald dude with a lot of earrings is in my personal space, looking at the box for the dining room table. He must be gay - gays like me.  But I don't care if he's Mila Kunis - GET OUT OF MY SPACE. Ok, maybe Mila Kunis, but you get the idea. I know what's for dinner because the frozen lasagna has not only defrosted, my temper is cooking it. My back hurts, my mouth is dry, and my neurons are not happy. 

Once the manager accompanies Mrs. lefty back to the kiosk, the fun continues. First Boris, then Gandalf exclusively spent another 27 minutes doing something, We don't know what, because they don't know either. I'm getting near the end and my nostrils are telling me to GET... OUT...in Morse code so I ask what's causing the current Major Backup. They say something in kiosk that I don't understand (because I don't speak kiosk). I suggest we go to the carrier store because this ain't workin. She tells me she already paid. I introduce her to the refund.

Finally, 2 hours later, she has a phone.

And they could NOT transfer her contacts or calendar.

And they double charged us.

And Gandalf the Fat threw in a shirt. Unfortunately it was the one he was wearing.

This is why I don't go out much.

Joe Biden’s Secretary of State Tony Blinken recently announced that he is inviting United Nations racism inspectors to the United States to conduct a report on American society.

HUH?

• Pentagon believes its precognitive AI can predict events 'days in advance'
• "We can catch incidents of bad thought and racial slurs..."  

BOMBSHELL: House Committee finds COVID-19 leaked from Wuhan lab

• Don't you hate it when you're a medical student and the body you're about to work on is your friend?