Somebody Call the SPCA

In the most recent weather horror, people were leaving their pets home while they escaped, in North Carolina. Why is this ok?  Leave the kids tethered in the back yard and take the pets. It will certainly be a more pleasant experience.



Browser Settings
if you don't use a browser, please ignore this.

Reminder to spend a few moments configuring any browser you install on your computer, tablet, or phone. I keep several browsers installed for different purposes: one locked down, one wide open, one encrypted, and the one everybody has but doesn't admit it (for the thing that everyone does but doesn't admit it).

The default browser settings are an absolute nightmare. I know, I know.. you have nothing to hide and you don't care. I do.  Yesterday I installed Opera. I'm a bit leery about this, as it's owned by a Chinese company, so it's probably going to be uninstalled. Every other setting needed to be changed. It's the worst I've seen yet. 

Stop the saving passwords first. This means anybody who is using your phone or computer or tablet has your permission to log into anything you do. Also stop offering to save logins or actually saving logins. This is about security. 

Don't use a prediction service: this is the same as going to Google or somewhere else. Don't use Do Not Track: nobody honors it and it allows sites to know you exist for tracking. Protect from malicious sites also goes out and gets a list. I'd also uncheck anything about sending data to the browser's company. 

Other protection - Extensions: help yourself out a lot by installing some extensions. Start with an ad blocker. I like uBlock Origin. Opera has a native ad blocker I'm checking out. History Eraser gets rid of everything when you close the browser. HTTPS Everywhere makes every place you visit secure, if possible. Do not accept Google as your default search engine: use Duckduckgo or something else of your choosing. Google needs no additional information of yours. Install a VPN if you like. This makes it insanely difficult to track your location (but still allows fingerprinting of your browser). Kill any personal news or recommendations on your home page: more profiling. Put your own bookmarks there if you want. 

NoScript is my favorite extension. It turns off javascript. This might break websites, but I only let javascript run where I'm sure it won't try to damage my browser. It saves the settings on a per-site basis. Another favorite is Cookie Monster, or similar, which does the same thing for cookies. It's a sport and privacy matter with me.. your mileage may vary.

Save yourself some space and allow searches in the URL spot. This gets rid of the separate search blob. A great time and effort saver is mouse gestures and rocker gestures (having nothing to do with your choice in music). It's very handy to have a shortcut to go back or forward a page with just your mouse. You don't need to set up users/profiles unless someone else uses the browser and wants it set up differently. 

• there is a new UK movement called Go Sober for October. It took an entire week to film the commercial because the actors kept breaking out in laughter.

I am so tired of the endless calls for diversity in the tech industry.
What we need is diversity of thought, not of gender. It's not the industry's job to 'teach' society anything. It's their job to get the best and brightest, regardless of anything but ability. If employees are chosen on the basis of race, gender, or size of their nostrils, it is sexism, racism, and nostrilism. Hire for brains, not breasts. Or other stupid slogans.

• A security professional noticed an access point on the corporate network that didn't belong there. She tracked it down to a water heater that had a wireless access point on it. Because water heaters need wireless access points in order to heat water. Smart = Stupid. Stupid = Smart.

"People are almost universally recognised as being the weak link in the cyber defence" 

You're kidding me!
Companies who care about security spend a lot of time and money securing and monitoring their systems. It only takes one well-educated employee to click on a phishing link and POW, the network is infected.

• The US Government Payment Service just exposed 14 million records. This is the government: the people who are going to keep us 'safe' and issue standards for cybersecurity. Eat your own dog food, boys.

ThermionicEmissions Detective Agency
Help solve this Important Security Matter...
I will provide the facts and you make a deduction.

There was a security analysis of cyber-attacks against universities and colleges in the UK

• attacks increased from 8 or 9am and then tailed off in the early afternoon
• There was a very sharp decline in attacks in the Christmas, Easter and summer breaks and during half-terms - with attacks rising again sharply when terms resumed.

Take a guess.....

• Have you ever had this happen to you?  You're minding your own business, walking into the bathroom, when you trip over the hedge clipper?

My parents have adjusted to cell phones better than I thought. Dad even manages to text. Mom manages to text, but she doesn't understand there's a limit on characters. She fires up SiriGoogleFrank and dictates texts, so they total about three or four on average. Their limits on text knowledge showed today, when Wife replied to a group text. She immediately got a call from Dad, who didn't understand what she said. She explained group texts but he wouldn't understand. He said she had to come over This Instant to explain it... Mom's all upset.

My parents really need a hobby. One that isn't us.

• Here's a bit of self-knowledge I recently discovered: after being exposed to people, I need a few weeks to recharge before I see people again.
• Whether this is a consequence of voluntary agoraphobia or the cause of it, I don't care.

In case you were considering it, you are not allowed to bribe your spouse's doctor to tell them that frequent sex will make them feel better. This is because of some nonsense called professional ethics. Or so I hear...

I just got this app for my phone where you put in your zip code and it lists items for sale in a radius around you. I don't get excited about new apps unless it's revolutionary or sends supermodels to my house, and that has never come along. This one, however, was interesting.. I searched for 'left handed' (strange, I know). What I got was pages of left handed golf clubs, a left handed bow (there's a left handed bow?), two left handed baseball gloves (one of which was right handed), a bunch of left handed guitars (one of which was right handed), and the piece duh resistance... it's almost like the app was written just for me... a breast pump.

I'm not going to tell Wife about this... no, not because of the breast pump; because of the Shoe category. In Electronics, I located a hair dryer, all sorts of things with apples on them, a black and red and black metal tool, a black and red digital device, air hoses, a computer set, and a Toshiba 4gig screen (laptop). Any ancient dusty speakers in your basement are 'vintage'.

The pictures were all taken by the same drunk child. Some people were far away, most were in the dark, one lady was selling rings who had HUGE hands, so the rings were dwarfed, only the backs of phones, and a flat screen tv side shot.

Harvey Irma Jose

Feeling under the weather, I decided rest was indicated. Anyone with all but the most acute powers of observation will not be able to tell the difference between Rest Mode and Non-Rest Mode. My neighbor felt sorry for me and decided to begin a large, noisy, external home improvement project. The banging was quite accomplished, but the loud machinery really drove the point home. Somehow they even managed to produce a loud noise that sounded like they were hammering chains into my walls, for what seemed like weeks, but in reality was just every hour I was awake.

Next day was much better. They waited til I was awake to start (7am). At certain points I felt my house literally shake, as if they were performing surgery on my house instead of next door. One day I'm likely to look out the window and find out what they're doing.  I have cataloged many separate and delightful noises emanating from this project: the Mowing Noise, the Pick on Concrete Noise, the Sledge into Bricks Noise, the Entire House Shaking Noise, and the Repeated BOOM Noise, which only surfaced when I used the phone.

Just for fun, there's a lot of noise coming from the other next door.  Both of my neighbors are elderly: the one who Marshall trained to feed him treats, and the one Satan crosses the street to avoid.

• Once again, a hurricane brought out the best and worst of humanity. Irma hit Florida with a vengeance and long before it hit, the volunteers were out, manning the help lines and trying to get help from more volunteers in the field.
• While the flood of volunteers manned the lines, an army of trolls did their best to interrupt communications. I have never heard anything like this before- with every request for help was one of these young miscreants, yelling obscenities and racist comments. This was completely unlike Hurricane Harvey communications. Maybe the Troll Alarm was sounded, and all the poisonous examples of subhumanity left their caves.
• All through the communications, there were less toxic examples of humanity, who wanted information on the weather, gas, and store openings in their personal neighborhood. These people were genetically incapable of using a search engine to check the information for themselves.
• Comcast and another local provider opened up their wifi hotspots and brought in mobile hot spots, allowing everyone unlimited access.
• People were posing as the electric company and robbing houses.
• While the storm was in its early stages, the looting started. One must note the can-do American spirit of the looters, who got out there, without consideration for life and limb, in the wind and rain, to steal things from other people. To feed their hungry families by stealing sneakers. To protect large screen tv's by taking them home.

Wife comes down the steps, says, "You're going to think I'm crazy" and disappears into the bathroom.  Ok, I'll play...

• Billions of Bluetooth-enabled devices are vulnerable to attacks across all operating systems. Google and Microsoft have released patches. I got a linux patch already. iOS before 10 is affected. Samsung smart watches, Smart TVs, and refrigerators also... This is Serious Stuff<tm>, people. Best practice is to keep Bluetooth turned off except when you must have it. Antivirus systems are unlikely to catch it. The beauty of this is that it shows us how unprotected we are and how manufacturers are unprepared to patch all their devices. The only positive here is that Bluetooth has a limited range, so it's more difficult to exploit.  Bother your vendors for a patch now.

Over in Afghanistan, three people died as a result of a suicide bomb blast in a cricket stadium. I told you sports are dangerous.

• The entitled are out again, this time demanding statues of people they don't like be taken down. And localities are acquiescing.
• My Demands:
• Being left-handed, I demand all statues of right-handed people be taken down. And that we get proper desk chairs in schools.
• I am also entitled to have statues taken down because I never got a statue taken down and others have.
• I want the Rocky Statue taken down because it's stupid and it's Philly's idea of culture.

Whither Kaprinsky: Kaspersky Antivirus (Kaprinsky or Kasper Sky, according to the Great Minds at my former employer) is up against the wall these days. The government has been ordered to replace it within ninety days because of alleged connections between Kaspersky and the FSB (formerly KGB). While no definitive connection has been established, the fear is that the FSB can request/compel them to provide data on systems 'protected' by it. Kaspersky has been given the opportunity to address the issues.

My natural inclination is to hold the phone until a connection is proven, but in the interests of safety, maybe this is a wise decision. Antivirus has privileged access to your files and operating system, so it would be a good way to obtain (or leave) data or programs. On the other hand, hackers are no doubt already in government (and other) systems. Having worked with quite a number of antivirii on a corporate level, I can safely say the all suck, in terms of deployment and operation. Best Buy will not be carrying it either.

• The new iDevice includes facial recognition, although I'm told it didn't work during the Big Announcement. While The Authorities may have trouble guessing your PIN, holding the phone up to your face is certainly convenient. Rest assured the law will be convoluted to make this work. It requires eyes to be open, so it will be more difficult to use on a dead body (make with that what you will). There is also a panic disable, which requires pressing a switch five times, that will disallow facial recognition unlock. There are other legal complexities around being compelled to give your fingerprint but not your PIN.
• This latest exercise in Apple Excess can be yours for the low low price of $1,000. Start lining up around the block, drooling, wide-eyed, wallet extended, to get yours now! We used to think $150 sneakers were ridiculously expensive.
• One of the latest flagship android phones is expected to hit $1,000 also, bringing up some questions... What the hell do you get for a grand that you didn't get for half that price (or less) on your current phone? 
• You'll certainly get a better camera, but I have not a qualm about my two year old phone's camera - the pictures are wonderful. One device has two cameras with different focuses.
• A faster processor: this would certainly be an incentive, although mine is pretty snappy.
• Better battery life: I hope. This is a huge one for most of us. Removable is a good feature too, so you can keep one charged as a spare. It's a shame you have to.
• Bigger and/or Prettier screen: some people aren't happy with the size of their screen (or much else)... larger or smaller. New layouts, for people who don't use their own launchers (Nova Launcher recommended-free).
• Facial recognition: if I didn't use eyeball tracking, imagine my thrill with facial recognition. Hint: it's probably in use on your driver's license.
• Sleek new case: please.
• Is it worth that price tag for the Latest and Greatest? I say no. In fact, if you wait a few months, there will be bigger and better, or you can purchase a gently used version at a considerable discount.

The most recent episode of South Park set off Google Home and Alexa devices. Go Matt and Trey!




As usual, I was minding my own business online, when things ground to a total halt. No amount of rebooting and troubleshooting turned up a cause. My cable modem indicated everything was fine. In situations like this, I love nothing more than interacting with Comcast (or most anyone else).

The automated service told me that my issue had nothing to do with any outages and actually sent me to a human, after a commercial for the NFL. Let's forget for a moment that I can't stand sports and concentrate on the obvious importance of an NFL commercial that you cannot bypass, while waiting to repair your internet service. The attempt to reset my modem had failed, then tried again and succeded. This was not particularly effective, as the modem did not indicate it was doing anything other than failing to go online, but they told me to wait ten minutes.

Ten minutes later, with no progress at all, I called again. This time the automated voice told me there was an outage in my area and expected restore time was four hours. So messing around with the modem earlier was a total waste of time.

Do you know the sheer hell visited upon you by being without internet for four hours? I'd rather go to the dentist than be sans internet for four hours. Fortunately my cell phone had lots of data, so I could tether my computer to it. Unfortunately, no matter what I tried, I could not get the computer hooked up to the phone. Connecting with a cable failed miserably, as did every single option I tried inside the phone. There is an actual button for wifi hotspot, that failed immediately, as did everything else.

Ever try using all your apps from a huge display on a cell phone? It worked, but not in a particularly useful way. Good thing I had many other things to do (that had absolutely nothing to do with porn).

Upon calling Comcast again, I was shocked beyond belief to speak to an Indian service representative (no I wasn't), but at least this lady spoke really good English and wasn't reading off a script. After re-rebooting the modem, it clearly showed there was an error. Mrs Service helpfully suggested that someone return the modem to Comcast and get a new one.

Because I'm that kind of guy, I had an upgraded modem, which seemed to surprise my rep, as she kept trying to get me to bring the defective modem back. After a bit of reiterating, I finally got her to accept my solution. I had to give her the new modem's MAC address.

At about this point, I discovered that I had a modem but not a manual, power supply, and whatever else came with the device. Mind you, I had the box it came in. This modem has been sitting around for a few weeks, migrating from this spot to the other, but always together. Not now, of course. Stuff just happens in my house. This was followed immediately by screaming. Unfortunately, screaming had to be modified, as I was doing it right into the phone.

One thing I note as I get older is that I cannot read small print. I used to be able to read things written on a grain of rice. Now I need Serious Magnification to read six point type. It's even more difficult after 12am, with very little light in the house.

Having solved the MAC issue, the rep told me to plug the device in, then started asking me questions about my router. Lady, if I had router issues, that would be my problem, not yours. If you get my modem set up and get signal to it, I'll handle any issues post-modem.

Apparently simply hooking a modem up and repeating a MAC address four times is not sufficient to restore internet service. There are things called hooks, put in somewhere to allow the original modem to work, and these need to be removed. Hooks.... somewhere at Comcast, there are a number of fish hanging on a line, each with a hook. They had to remove the fish and the hook so they could hang different kinds of fish, corresponding with my new modem. This is all because the old modem was brown and the new modem white.

Twenty minutes later, the helpful service rep sent what's technically known as The Magic Bullet to my modem, making the lights go all blinky and restoring service. Halleleujah! Only five hours to a solution.

It's Raining Trees

It's been a rough month this past week.   Finding out about my fried dying, back pain, the wife's three-day migraine and other jocularities combined for an interesting week.  Seemingly out of the blue, my wife picked up a postcard reminder that Renningers had a musicians' flea market happening and today was the final day.  We chose to view that as a Sign that we should get out of the house.

I woke up to gray, overcast skies.  In other words, it was a normal Philly day.  We checked weather online and decided to go; everything was covered anyway.  My wife decided to check her directions online, which I thought was a little weird, as she drives there the same way every time.  She came up with a more direct way.

Off we went, traversing the mighty Pennsylvania Turnpike, in all its gray glory.  Whoosh we went, past the exit we normally use.  I figured the new directions should get us there more efficiently.

Twenty minutes later, I asked my wife if she checked the directions.  What was the advantage - time, speed, directness to our destination?  She said yes.

This should have been a clue.

Further off we went, passing places with names I couldn't pronounce, nor would I care to.  As we got much closer, we went through Pottsville (no, really) then a few tiny little places where no one in their right mind should live.  Seriously, I was raised in a row house in Philly.  I moved to the `burbs as soon as I could.

Corn comes from the store, not the stalk.  Meat comes wrapped up, as it should.  Marshall the cocker is the closest we have to animals around here and I like it that way.  So it was bizarre to drive through these little hamlets with all of the stereotypes in full attendance. There were even two fat good-ole boys, sitting shirtless on the porch in their rockers.  One town even had a restaurant - a real fancy kinda joint with an Eyetalian name and everything.

For some strange reason the directions were completely accurate, down to mileage, and we hit Renningers exactly when we should have.   Only this didn't entirely look like the Renningers we usually visit.

I looked at my wife and asked her if she got directions to the wrong Renningers.  She looked at me and said she had no idea there was another Renningers.  Sure enough, my blonde wife obtained driving directions to the wrong Renningers.

I was not amused.

In fact, I was beyond not amused.  I stupidly thought that getting out of the house would be good for us, given the past week's festivities.  Nothing raises the spirits like guitar gear and Retail Therapy<tm>.  I was largely agitated that I had been separated from my bed for this long in this weather, using that much gas.  I suggested an immediate return to the house, where Marshall and my bed would be waiting for me.  Since my wife gave up sleep for lent, I mostly sleep alone anyway.  Marshall likes to barge in and spend some quality time on the bed, but only if the air conditioner is running and he can leave the bedroom door open.   Smart as he is, we have not been able to get him to close doors behind him.

My wife, feeling Uber-Blonde, insisted she rush us to the correct Renningers, as we would be passing that exit anyway.  Grumbling, I decided I'd go along for the ride, largely as I had no other way home.

It continued to be very ugly outside, as it tends to be.  We arrived at the correct Renningers shortly thereafter.  I knew it had to be the correct Renningers as it looked so familiar (and as there was almost no one there).

There are two outdoor pavilions under which there were a few people selling stuff.  The first one seemed to be the regulars.  As we walked through, it appeared that most were packing up.  There certainly weren't any shoppers.  The remaining merchants looked depressed.  It became difficult to tell if the ones not hanging from the rafters had already succumbed to depression or were waiting for the pills to take effect.

We heard a band, which was a good sign.   And when I say band, I mean a few people banging away at their instruments in no real semblance of togetherness.  Still, it beckoned us on to view the people selling musical equipment.  And when I say people, I mean a sad group of stragglers with all varieties of musical gear.

No, really, I saw lots of pure junk, an eight-track player with some tapes, a Soldano and a Dr. Z amp.  Cheap guitars (all right-handed) abounded.  I don't think there were many more than ten people selling.

Having exhausted the possibilities of the musician portion, we looked toward the band.   The band, as it were, turned out to be four young fellas who had a distinct inability to complete a single song.  They'd get going then stop.  They weren't painful when they started but they'd kinda grind to a halt and there would be radio silence for a minute or three, followed by an attempt at a new song.  I don't know if this was an actual band or a jam but it wasn't entirely successful at being either.

Don't get me wrong: I drove well over an hour to check out this event.  I had high hopes for it and still do.  I wish them all the luck in the world: our region needs more musical events.  Perhaps it was the fact that it opened at eleven and we arrived at two.  Maybe it was the weather.  Maybe it was too close to a college.

Failing the musical portion, I pointed my wife toward the inside area.  She asked for a rest room and I pointed her toward the large, white portapotty right in front of us.  I haven't seen a blonde day like this in years.  I had to point out a turn because someone was looking at the road repair guys.

If you have never been to Renningers, you really should go.  It's kind of like a long, multi-lane, very humid indoor flea market, where the vendors go home but their stores don't.  It's also beyond a time warp because although you see things that you remember growing up, so will your parents.  Ancient coats, clothes, `antiques', military gear (including nazi paraphernalia) and even an electronics repair shop.  I
stopped at the electronics place to chat with the owner about All Things Tubes.

There are all sorts of food stops in the market, some manned (and womaned) by the Amish.  I asked my wife if it was appropriate to give the ladies my card and tell them to call me at Rumspringa.  She was most amused but suggested it would probably be better left unsaid.

I really have to give this some thought.  The concept of leaving something unsaid is most foreign to me.  In fact, up until recently, I didn't know one could leave something unsaid.  This might explain my weekly standing meeting with Human Resources at work.

We did purchase quite a variety of vegetables and some chipotle powder, because everything is better with chipotle.

Overall it was pretty depressing and disappointing.  The humidity indoors was oppressive and most of the stores were closed (on a Saturday, their big day).  We decided to leave and were amused to note that we were the next to last car in the lot.  By the time we got there, we were the last car.  I figured that this must be the same kind of Sign as finding the reminder post card about the event.

Homeward bound we were, back to the gray turnpike.  Only things seemed to be a lot more interesting in this direction.  I was minding my own business, checking email on my tablet, when my wife kept repeatedly trying to get my attention.  I looked up and immediately wanted to look back down.  The skies were almost black, with stuff swirling in the wind, falling down on the turnpike and hitting cars.

There were things that looked like flocks of birds blowing all about the sky, with some eventually hitting our car.  They weren't birds and didn't appear alive at all but they were flying about in the horrible winds and impacting the windshield with a sickening thud.  For purposes of illustration, let's call it Flying Mulch.  We'll call it that because Flying Mini Cooper with a side of Flatbed Truck is not as easy to remember.

We are not used to driving in hurricane-type winds.  Even stranger was the fact that a whole lot of trees were bent over at almost ninety-degree angles.  There were branches flying too, plus tree limbs and leaves all over the four lanes of the road.  It got so bad that some of the drivers stopped doing eighty miles per hour and actually put their flashers on.  This is almost unprecedented in Pennsylvania.

A brief check of the weather on my smart phone let us know that it would be dark, with a chance of showers and five mile per hour winds.  Weather forecasts are the biggest joke on the planet, with the possible exception of Congress.

We drove through a few different versions of hurricane and General Yuck.  The Hyundai behaved flawlessly, which is more than I can say about some of the other drivers.  They were exercising their God-given right to do eighty in a hurricane and there was simply no one that was going to deprive them of this liberty.

Another check of the weather indicated that there were tornadoes in DC and Lancaster.  I had the sinking feeling we might have driven through a Weather Event of some sort but I preferred to remain ignorant at the moment.  You can't drive through a hurricane or tornado if you don't know it's a hurricane or tornado (right?).

It had almost cleared by the time we got home, which was just in time for the storm to have followed us.  Fortunately it was a very pale ghost of itself by the time it hit us.


As I suspected, both the dog and the bed were happy to see me.  As much as it seems better to stay in bed most of the time, I need to get out and have these stupid experiences so I can type them out for you, my readers.

Thank you for coming by.  If you like ThermionicEmissions, please tell your friends.

Well It's (not) Flooding Down in Texas

No serious musician can read that without hearing Stevie Ray Vaughan tearing it up.

As it turns out, it's not flooding or even raining or misting in Texas.  It's a regulation mess.  They need the water.

The irony here is that the Philly area has had more rain than they can deal with.  Chicago has had more rain at this point than other entire years.  Texas can have all of Philly's rain, as far as I'm concerned.

I am not a climatologist, weather forecaster (although chance is almost as accurate), or marine biologist, therefore I cannot being to figure out where to place the blame for this horrendous weather.  As we say here, it's not a climate - it's a plague.

We recently had an earthquake on a Monday.  By Friday we were in Total Panic Mode<tm> over an impending hurricane.  The hurricane was more news fury than damage (thankfully), except for several inches of water in the basement. 

I am also not an excavation specialist or basement magician, yet my task was to remove the water from the basement with the aid of a wet-vac.  As it turns out, water is very heavy, especially in five-gallon containers.  I spent the next three days feeling like I was run over by a small fleet of eighteen wheelers.

Just for fun, the area got five and a half additional inches of rain last night.  While this isn't too far from the norm, there is simply nowhere for the water to go because it won't stop raining.  Hence the lovely happy voicemail from my wife on the ride in this morning (since I moved from Verizon to T-Mobile, calls tend to go to voicemail), stating that we got more water in the basement, this time encroaching on our freezer at the far end.

Water eradication used to be an easy task years ago.  The water stopped pouring into the basement after we re-graded the soil outside.  The remaining puddles lefty via the sump pump.  This worked perfectly and automatically, therefore the township had no choice but to start inspections, insisting that all sump pump evacuation routes be blessed by the county (looking up, reverentially).  We actually had to let them into our basement to see that our pump was correctly installed.   Since the pump drained into the sink, we were ordered (HEIL!) to spend five grand to have it drain into the street or remove it totally.   We removed it totally.

So I have that to look forward to after work.  Small wonder my back is trying to send me images of Texas and Arizona at this moment....

So aside from my own full-size olympic basement pool, the first order of the day was to get to work.  Normally a relatively easy task, I had no idea of the Herculean feat that would be required.  Fox News was already in Total Panic Mode<tm>, advising people to stay off the roads (although they hadn't yet announced that they were pre-empting their normal schedule to go wall-to-wall flood coverage).  Because it won't stop raining, there was simply nowhere for the water to go.  Because there was nowhere for the water to go, it pooled.  Because the water pooled, people tried to drive through it.  Because people tried to drive through the pools, their cars died in the flood (one of the first was a police car).  There are very few live brain cells in the Philly metro area, especially among its drivers.

One of my carpool signaled he would need a ride.  A few moments later, he texted that he would be running ten minutes late, as his recycling bin had ridden the rapids and he was out in a futile search for it throughout the county - he needed a hosing-off then a shower.  This fellow comes up with better and more creative excuses than a crack addict.

When I got my most recent car, it started snowing as I drove home.  To keep things consistent, carpooler #2 just purchased a car and she has to drive us to work through a flood.  Things only get better from here.

It's a twenty minute ride to work, normally.  When I say normally, I mean with no traffic, during summer recess, when there are no buses or parents taking their godforsaken brats to school, choking up the roads.  Since school just started, the ride went to forty minutes overnight.  When you add in flooding, it's anybody's guess.

Because of flooding, one of the major arteries had to be closed, dumping all traffic onto the small road we use to get to work.  It was jammed solidly for a few miles in all directions.  Total gridlock. 

To make things just that much more interesting, we had Stereo Cacophony.  On the right, we had the constant blaring of horns, from `helpful' people beeping at cars that were simply not moving.  Why do people beep horns at gridlock?

Even more unnerving and infuriating was the noise in my left ear, which turned out to be the new stereo, which was playing the new `music' from the new stations.  When I say total f-ing garbage, I'm not kidding.  The noise made me long for Britney Spears - it was that bad.  I didn't hear a single real drum for the entire ninety minute ride.  There was even a discussion of which we hated more, country music or rap music.  I noted that both terms are oxymorons.

I also realized that if I was lucky, I might be able to get a job as one of those guys in rap groups who looks angry, wears a wool cap, and says HEY into the mic every now and then.  It would suit my mood well.

To add to the hilarity, after the ninety minute car ride, the entire department was abuzz over fantasy football.  I have half a mind to go into the firewall and block the URL.