STOP RESISTING!

Those brilliant republicans are at it again. The bible-thumping House Speaker's days might not be long. So he said God sent Joe Biden (and didn't get sent to the Happy Place<tm>). The latest is trying to cut discounted broadband from poor people. Are the republicans' P/R people on vacation this month? I think I'll float the idea of keeping the electricity on for people who can't afford the bills or are sick...

Speaking of President Giveaway, let's not.

There's a lot of hoo-ha over YouTube's 5 second delay before playing videos. At first it was supposed to be caused by ad blockers, but now it's not. Having said that, Firefox has a great ad blocker and YT blocker. If I see commercials on YT or in general, I'm shocked. That's how effective the blockers are.

Physicists Design a Way to Detect Quantum Behavior in Large Objects, Like Us

Oh, that's not good. As soon as they observe you, you're in a box with the cat. 

Vast botnet hijacks smart TVs for prime-time cybercrime

That's right - smart TVs. Buy a dumb one, like mine.

our washing machine could be sending 3.7 GB of data a day — LG washing machine owner disconnected his device from Wi-Fi after noticing excessive outgoing daily data traffic

maybe, maybe not - but not difficult to believe....

Some mysteries remain about why dogs wag their tails

I may be stupid (MAY be?) but it's because they're happy. Ours doesn't stop. Neither does the dog's.

 

'It hasn't delivered': The spectacular failure of self-checkout technology

you mean it's not just me? You  have the same problems, namely stupid people. You just added stupid terminals and saved the store lots of money. The store doesn't have to pay machines. If there's a cashier left, I get in that line.

 Where I live it's 26 degrees out, with the real feeling in the shade of 27 degrees. We're in the midst of either 4-6" (27 grams Canadian) or 2-4" (38 grams Canadian), depending on which forecast you see, what ads are on the page, and how much cold air Canada is sending us. Trudeau is a sneaky bastard with a passive-aggressive personality. The indoor humidity is 34% and dry. What a great concept - indoor humidity! I can get a forecasting job reporting indoor humidity, indoor temperature, and indoor supply of Frosted Flakes, as well as the Sex Likelihood. I'll be set for life (except for Sex Likelihood).

1/4" (99 grams Canadian) of snow shuts the city down completely. There are cities where 4-6" are no problem, but we can't possibly learn from them; it's just PANIC all the time. Friends in Minneapolis and Canada carry shovels, blankets and food in their trunks, in case they get stuck - and that's a general warning. There is no bread or milk to be found, but plenty of salt that cracks concrete and bothers pets. The secret of this snow is that it's coming down over the last snow, which was largely ice. I predict skidding and have forbidden Dog from driving in it. She hates the snow, as do her parents. But I'm the kind of guy who bitches when it's cold and snowing, hence my blog.

The really scary thing about snow, and trash lately, is that the cans are put away, as if by magic, and the sidewalk is shoveled. Considering I used to do this for older neighbors, I can only assume that we have become the older neighbors. This karma is both frightening and slightly appealing to my lazier side (my lazier side runs around my body in a 360 degree arc). 

Bizarre footage shows several UFOs hovering above Philadelphia

at first I was upset that I never saw them, until Wife reminded me one has to occasionally go outside AND look up. I understand now.

Andrew Scott halted Hamlet soliloquy after theatregoer used laptop to email

a laptop?

 You may be surprised that someone would do this, as well as using a laptop (probably a doctor), but there are records of more interruptions during Hamlet...

• in 1976, Hamlet was interrupted by someone using a front end loader
• in 1943, Hamlet was interrupted by bombing
• in 2022, Hamlet was interrupted by 3 girls and their Faceyspaces beeping
• in 2001, Hamlet was interrupted by a computer telling Dave it cannot allow that
• in 2017, Hamlet was interrupted by a hostage situation involving automatic weapons
• in 2019, Hamlet was interrupted by the diversion of a train during construction

The Secret Word is a Secret

 

Your love is like  Crunchy Frog

One of the (internal) kids informs me there's a site called 'many fish in the' or something like that. She explains to me that it's like Tinder - random hookups for the purpose of boom-boom. I am apparently not hip enough to know about this site. This begs the question of why she knows about it.

Today I identify as  triple antibiotic cream

I need new glasses.

Wife told me the aviator frames are back. I seriously like these. She suggests Warby Parker. This confuses me because they don't have aviator frames. In fact, all of their frames look more or less the same, in different colors. So I can go to any number of places online to get frames, but I don't understand the measurements. In technical-speak, I want Big Ass Aviator Frames. There is no translation between the two. I notice that women have no trouble at all finding these in sunglasses, but they don't exist in men's frames, like decent songs on the radio. So now I can't figure out how to make this happen: do I just order the frames and go to a local store for an exam, or get an exam and try to find frames. Or just shoot myself. Shooting looks like the most logical solution - much easier than going 5 places so I can see again. And who really needs to see? It's not like I drive. Much.

Nothing starts a familial war quite like butter cookies.

Since my in-laws don't live anywhere near Civilization, we send normal stuff there. The favorite seems to be from a local bakery, in a relatively nice war zone. I say relatively nice because you're not dodging bullets. Often. I suspect the only reason this place is safe is because their cookies are so good. It's like a Safe Zone<tm>, in the middle of the city. If they shoot up the customers, the bakery will go out of business and the gangs won't get any cookies. Retail is very complicated in the 2000s. 

Cyberwarfare looms as Russia shells, invades Ukraine

So anyway... ummm... oh yeah, so we send cookies to the in-laws, along with this thing called butter cake. Nobody knows exactly what's in butter cake, and that's for the best. It's a short yellow cake, with some sort of delicious, sweet, butter icing. It's also best you don't know any of the nutrition information, because it's likely to cause hardened arteries in decent quantities, and believe me, it's impossible to eat this in small quantities.

So the goodies go out to the Netherlands, where they just got electricity and cell phone service is good, so long as you have a landline and don't try to use it. They literally have to walk up the block to get signal. It's the impossible dream, like a movie without III or 16 behind the name. Then the fun begins. Dad grabs the pound of cookies, saying they were sent up for him. He disappears. No one knows where he goes, as the house is small. Later, he is forced to bring the cookies back, sometimes by force, and make them public. Then he keeps on reappearing, asking meaningless questions, each time snaking his hand into the cookie box. As the cookies quickly dwindle to zero, the real fighting begins. Half the butter cake is gone, and people start noticing the cookies are nearly gone too. And heaven help the person who goes near the cherry pie; they're liable to touch it and draw back a nub.... Mom is serious about her pie too. I have never been there when this happens because, quite frankly, I'm scared. They're wonderful people, who would give you the shirts off their backs, unless there are cookies involved.

Plus I just can't visit a place where the nearest Walmart is an hour away, as is the McDonalds; two places I also don't visit. It makes me very popular with the family.

The Aliens are circling Earth.

They have their cloaking device on, so nothing on the planet can 'see' them. They're on a mission from the Multi-Planet Consortium, to see if Earth is ready to join the federation. The Prime Directive is in effect; they are not to interfere with the natives unless they're ready for First Contact. Yes, the aliens watched Star Trek too. Nobody knows how. Their version of Nurse Chapel was green, with four arms. Spock thought she was really hot.

Monitoring Earth they went, in their monitor-class ship, the Last Prize. The crew always bitched, believing they got the worst ship because of something Captain Sr92l*# said to the Council. Even the beelzerschmitzel was broken. And you know how they get when they can't have their beelzers.

As they orbit, they monitor television, which is a reflection of society. They see Texas Ranger, which upsets them greatly, as Chuck Norris isn't in it. They see Americans Idle. They see "I snigged my step sister." They see 27 Star Trek movies, 37 Star Wars movies, and too many Fast and Furiouses to count. They see the Masked Furry and start to pack things up. "These people are beyond not ready for First Contact. Judging from television content, it could be another century or two. Let's head home....

As they're setting course for the Plaedies, the captain says, "HOLD ON, guys. You're not going to believe this, but they have a Doctor Pimple Popper too! We're going in."

• GM seeks US approval to deploy self-driving car without a steering wheel
• because a driverless car with a steering wheel isn't terrifying enough 

White Castle hiring 100 robots to flip burgers.

Yes, but will they program them to get your order wrong? 

Flying AIDS News  

COVID’s spread within hospitals hit all-time high amid omicron wave

Google will no longer require US employees to be vaccinated against COVID-19

It's getting ready to SNOW again.

How can I tell? The forecast says no precipitation.

You can't tell by looking - the sky is always gray - no clues there.

On the positive side, this will cancel our trip to the place that rhymes with Bosco. Yes, I know we need food, but I just can't take that place, more specifically the people who shop there. And their Customer Confusion Program, in which they move everything around weekly, so you can never find what you're looking for.

I always stop to look at those humongous tv's.

I don't want one. I don't need one. But I feel compelled to look.

I should probably ask the doctors about this. Maybe some Adderall.

I have to warn you about.... uhh... dammit.. what's the name of that stuff? It sounds and looks healthy and has an X in there somewhere, probably at the end. They make health bars and other stuff. The problem is if you're looking for flavor, you're better off eating the box they come in. I've never tried it, but I just can't get near the chicken in a can. Or several other canned 'meats.' TIP: do NOT go to the FDA site for what they allow to be called 'meat.' Also avoid the FCC site, on general principles. And shut down the IRS.

Commonwealth Games: Athletes allowed to protest about social injustice at Birmingham 2022

In fact, all athletic competitions will be suspended. Replaced with:

• 100 member BLM chant
• who can take a knee fastest
• who has the best Antifa accessory
• fastest -legible- protest sign created
• loudest complaint decrying lack of women in football
• most traffic blocked outside the stadium

Better than bobsledding? You decide.

Tesla is working to make Steam video games work in its vehicles

So you put out quite a few hard-earned dollars for your Tesla.

You have to worry about spontaneous explosions, battery fires, and random braking. Let's now add "I wasn't driving - I was playing video games."

Honda, terribly jealous of Tesla's ability to get press for every little fatal flaw in their cars, is investigating 1.7 million cars for phantom braking. 

Tesla already does this. Can't Honda be original? Ejecting seats or something? 

Headline of the Month (year?) 

Aaron Rodgers’ go-to cleanse could involve oily enemas, bloodletting, vomiting

It sounds like a Flying AIDS cure..

Russia - Ukraine 

ThermionicEmissions condemns any act of aggression or war.

Dmitry Rogozin says he does not appreciate “openly hostile” US policy

Says the man whose country just invaded Ukraine 

Four-time world champion Sebastian Vettel says the Russian Grand Prix should be cancelled - and he will not be there if the race goes ahead.

What a sissy. So there's a full scale invasion going on. Does he think he's so important that someone is going to fire an ICBM at his car? 

Vladimir Putin is over the top giddy because his army has seized the Chernobyl nuclear plant, which melted down in 1986. Apparently his aides were terrified to tell him... Russia now owns:

• a building still full of radioactive debris
• a power plant that won't power
• the prestige of owning a melted-down nuclear power generator

With the news of the invasion comes interesting news: things can be blamed on it. So far the integrated circuit chip shortage and inflation are alleged victims of Putin's folly. If you watch and wait, there will be more blame:

• the USPS going with 8mpg trucks instead of electric ones
• little Jimmy's wagon loses a wheel
• men who can't get it up
• rent payments late
• actual buildings missing [in Ukraine]

Interview with Mr. Mackey:

War is bad, M'kay?

• FAA now says 5G airports may interfere with Boeing 737s
• The same altimeters the FAA cleared last month....

In order to do my job, I have to be a pretty tenacious and black and white guy. Either it's working or it's not working. Apparently the FCC doesn't work the same way. Either that or somebody's bribe bounced.

George Washington University Apologizes for Tracking Locations of Students, Faculty [thehill.com]
George Washington University President Mark Wrighton issued an apology for tracking students' location data without consent and said using such data "raises important privacy considerations and potential breaches of expected ethical norms in higher education." 

Further, they explained it was all a mistake.

They were told to make sure wireless was accessible, which sounds just like "make sure to track all student location data without their permission."              

• How to file your taxes online without hurting your wallet or your privacy

World number three Alexander Zverev has been thrown out of the Mexican Open after "unsportsmanlike conduct" that saw him attack the umpire's chair at the end of a doubles match in Acapulco.

He also called the taco "a national disgrace," questioned the net's parentage, accused the balls of being impotent and underinflated, and said the surface was as tilted as the Tower of Pisa.

Zverev and the umpire are holidaying together in Spain.

In his bid to make government more diverse, President Taxit nominated the first black female judge to the Supreme Court. He needs to try harder. Yes, he has nominated no white males to any post, but he could have easily nominated a black female Jew to the Court. Still there are no midgets, pagans, satanists, or trans people there - not even a single gay. Is this the best he can do? Is this to be his legacy?

What Biden's aides don't tell him is that the black female is the lady on his IT team. Once on the Supreme Court, her opinions will largely be "Did they turn it off and on again?"

• I just saw an article on threat detection, which mentioned 'security hygiene.' You're probably saying to yourself, "WTF is security hygiene?"
• As someone in the field, I can help. Security hygiene is washing your hands after you surf. Not opening every email. Not clicking on every link. Securing your browser. Using private mode, which does NOT protect your surfing, but cleans up everything after you're done - no history. 

Mom - Jimmy's Out Licking the Light Pole Again

 

Your love is like   a sushi lunch from 7-11

• New York mayor pledges to rid city of gun violence
• bringing in Superman and Wonder Woman, housing criminals on Krypton 

Today I identify as  a dump truck - vooooom!

ThermionicEmissions has its sixth follower. I am beyond excited. Can't you tell?

Pr0nhub and Google better watch out.

Don't Let Your Roku, Apple TV or Other Streamer Track You. Change These Privacy Settings

Flying AIDS News

It's difficult to sort out the best Flying AIDS headline, but I think I found it:

Washington DC Requires Nude Strippers To Be Masked, Clubs Warned About ‘Staff Not Wearing Masks’

They are required to wear a mask, while sharing bodily fluids with you. Brilliance that could only come from DC. Has anybody seen Fauci?

Get well wishes to Reggie Dwight, aka Elton John, who tested positive for the Flying AIDS. He was vaccinated.

There’s a new version of omicron but so far it doesn’t appear to be more dangerous

no no no no very dangerous, PANIC, get 5th booster!  

They had covid-19 once. Then, they got it again.

WHO warns of potential for more variants as omicron subvariant found in US

Two-thirds with Omicron say they have had Covid before

OSHA will try a different route to a vaccine mandate for businesses

Red wine could reduce chances of COVID-19 infection, U.K. study suggests

between the pot and red wine, the world could become a better place..

California’s COVID gun store shutdowns ruled illegal

• Pentagon Places Thousands of Troops on Standby for Deployment to Eastern Europe in Standoff With Russia 
• #ImpeachBiden  now. Hurl the Pentagon skyward to see how aerodynamic its shape is.

You're probably going to say that you didn't see this coming....

Child badly burned while pouring gas onto bonfire at home in New Jersey

Same child will die while demolishing his house from his bedroom

Denmark, New Zealand and Finland top list of least corrupt nations while South Sudan is the worst and US drops out of top 25 amid 'continuous attacks on free and fair elections'

At least we're moving in the right direction. That old American spirit shows itself yet again! 

• After all the creative work I put into the blog, who'd have thought that the page that gets the most visits, by far, is the review I did of a police scanner.

I watched Jimmy Fallon last night. And by watched, I mean played with my laptop and listened here and there. [Foreshadowing] A headache appeared out of nowhere. Ok, I'm late to the party, again. I wondered what the jokes would be about, as a study showed every late night show was very left-leaning and anti-Trump, while he was in office. Fallon went after Biden, shockingly. In a very stupid way. He even managed to get a shot at Trump (I voted libertarian). So very little has changed. He's still got that younger brother personality, full of energy. Not my speed. The headache felt more and more like drilling in my head, so I went to bed.

Ya know, I have a bad feeling my headaches are secondary to a toothache. This is frightening and disturbing, as I had all that work done last year. Yes, dentistry is a racket, but they fixed my problems. How do I know there's a tooth problem? When Wife looked at it, it hurt like hell. Pizza doesn't look good to me. I couldn't take out the trash (this may or may not be related).

The disturbing thing about the dentist was they all wore masks, so I couldn't see their faces. Dentist offices are usually bubbling over with gorgeous women. Don't get me wrong - I was happier that they knew what they were doing, but still... Anyway, I have no desire to go back, masks or not. The pain isn't pleasant (no, really?) so I'll have to pull all my resources together to make an appointment. I don't know why this is, but it is. My arm could be broken, but calling the doctor to check my injury could take weeks. I'm bad that way. I'm bad in many ways, but Wife and Dog tolerate me well.

Dog is out of control, being aided by Wife. Dog flatly refuses to pick up her stuffed animals, which frequently are in places that would trip us. Wife keeps reminding Dog that if she kills us, there will be nobody left to follow around the house, or even feed her. Then Wife goes to pet store and buys Dog three more stuffed animals. Speaking of killing, I have to keep reminding Wife that I don't have enough life insurance to make it worth killing me. I keep it this way on purpose. Did you ever get out of bed to a huge pile of true crime novels? They started like "True Mafia Killings." I'm starting to get suspicious because her new books have titles like "Death of an IT Guy" and "The Guitar Player Murders." 

For all the people and media screaming DISINFORMATION, has anybody thought about the actual 'experts' that can't agree? The steadily-changing advice? When you hear DISINFORMATION, it's DISHONEST and a PLOY, with an AGENDA.

Cranky old Neil Young (I'm a fan) told Spotify that Joe Rogan needs to be pulled or Neil's music will be pulled. Over misinformation.

Idea: subject the misinformation to the same brief tests as the 'official' cure.

The self-driving car industry is abandoning the term ‘self-driving’ and leaving it to Tesla

Recommends it be renamed: self-crashing, auto-exploding, talks with strange accent 

C'mon guys.... the Batmobile could operate with no one in the car. It's 2022 already.

Disney responds to Peter Dinklage's criticism of Snow White remake

Peter Dinklage, known good actor and least likely to get on most Disney rides, had some things to say about Woke Disney casting actors not similar to original parts, such as the upcoming Snow White. Surprisingly, Dinklage seems to be for more of it. 

In the remake of Snow White, Disney wanted to make sure no character was white. And that there was room for 14 more sequels. The casting so far:

• latina Rachel Zegler as Snow White  (the woman is seriously beautiful)
• Dennis Rodman and his North Korean basketball team as the 8 Dwarves
• Whoopie Goldberg as the evil stepsisters
• Steve Irwin as one of the Brothers Grimm (we are never told which)
• and Meat Loaf as the glass coffin

A Night at the Opera, A Day at the Dentist 

Something happened to a tooth. It's a tooth not touched by the dentist (yet). I have a theory.... after all the necessary work was done, the other teeth got jealous and demanded services too. Maybe the dentist hypnotized them, I don't know.

In any case, there was some serious pain. In a place I like to use. At this point, everybody's main goal is to get rid of the pain, ASAP.  And I forgot how these folks operate. Let me give you an example: let's say you walk in the door with a dog stuck in your jaw. A smiling, personable tech will sit you down and take xrays. They like taking xrays. If you told them your arm hair hurt, they'd take xrays. After the pleasantries are finished, she will ask you what the problem is. You never went to dental school, so you figure you better explain it, so they'll be able to fully diagnose the problem. So you tell her the story, she takes xrays, then tells you she's off to see the wizard doctor, who will have a look at everything. Thirty minutes later, the doctor appears. You look around for where the applause is coming from. It may be the overhead speakers, which normally play absolute crap you do not want to hear. The doctor asks what's wrong. You have the privilege of saying the exact thing you said to the personable tech. You feel that you are repeating yourself repeating yourself. 

Just to make sure you're serious and not kidding about the problem, Doc is going to 'tap' on the area and you say when it hurts. Even the patients whose bodies do not regularly try to escape the chair by themselves feel a little scared when she brings out the Dental Sledge. You see the size of this instrument alone and inherently know this part of the examination is not going to go well. Dentists have a horrible reputation, some deservedly so, and they're not going to help themselves by bringing out stone age nazi tools of torture. Unfortunately, things are not stopping there, no sir. One phrase that automatically indicates you should be anywhere else in the world but in that chair is, "Tell me if it hurts." Then the gentle tapping starts. And when I say gentle tapping, I mean banging away. They cut you a break - the first tap is never the problem....

Dentist: I'm going to tap. Tell me if it hurts. BANG. Does that hurt?

Me: [recoiling in terror] Nope.

Dentist: Does this hurt? BANG.

Me: Nope.

Dentist: Here? BANG.

Me: OMFG YES, THAT'S DEFINITELY THE ONE, YES SIR, YOU HAVE DEFINITELY HIT IT, I HOPE I DIDN'T WET YOUR CHAIR.

And they look at you as if you're being unreasonable by screaming when they slam your painful spot with a sledgehammer.

Some think dentists are nazis, getting off on inflicting pain.

Dentist: I'm going to tap. Tell me if it hurts. BANG. Does that hurt?

Me: [recoiling in terror] Nope.

Dentist: Does this hurt? BANG.

Me: Nope.

Dentist: No? How about here? BANG. No? Here? BANG.

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAH.

Dentist: So here, right?  BANG.

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAH - right.

Dentist: Ok, how about here?

and it becomes almost a game, like Pound the Pain, or Pound the Gopher, or Pound the Patient. The really good dentists manage to keep a straight face when they hit you, some not even displaying symptoms of sexual excitement.

Finally the doctor pronounces a diagnosis, which you cannot pronounce.

Well, Mr. lefty, you have a dog stuck in your jaw. This is called canine mandible impactus.

What can you do - it hurts?

Well, we can shave some of the tail hair down, so it doesn't get into your mouth.

But it hurts.

Here's what we gonna do: we'll make you another appointment in eight weeks, and you'll come in. We'll get out the canine mandible impactus meter to check everything out. Then we'll do a short procedure called a canine mandible no impactus, which should take care of your problem. Ok?

Ummm... ouch... I was kinda hoping you could do something today, to get rid of the pain.

No, we can't possibly do that - we won't get as much money that way. Here's what I'll do: I'm going to send another of our personable techs to discuss finances with you.  You think you're in pain now.....

• World's Smallest Books:
• Famous Jewish Basketball Players 

Don't joke about that shit.... the Anti-Defamation League will git uppity and start demanding the NBA hire more Jewish players.

Similarly speaking.....

With an upcoming spot in the Supreme Court, President Taxit promises to appoint a black woman. With a history of dumb moves, The Diversity President strikes again. This is the highest court in the land. It's rather important. You want the best and brightest. But Biden doesn't hire that way - he appoints by gender and race. This is racism and sexism to start with. If he announced he wanted a white male justice, we'd have (more) riots. And it would be illegal.

Just like my stance on tech workers, I don't care about any of your personal stats - I want the best person for the job. In my interviewing history, that's the only candidate that got hired. We turned out to be a very diverse group; but we didn't go hiring by gender, race, sexual preference, hair color, or religion.

I knew a woman who was thinking of becoming a phone sex worker, back when that was a thing. She thought it would be cool to go further and become a Mistress, with a house full of slaves; guys in maid outfits, cleaning the place, with no expectation of sex.

Did I mention we were a couple for a year?

NO, not that way. I turned in my maid outfit as soon as I was promoted. Something about maids not having mustaches and a successful game of Rock Star and Groupie. The relationship got off to an auspicious start when she showed my brother some nudes she was particularly proud of. And she had reason to be proud..

She had an amazing talent. Ok, a few amazing talents. She could do the thing that stupifies every man; take her bra off under her shirt. But she could also appear taller. She was not a tall lady, but she could dress a certain way and everybody thought she was tall. Either that or she was skilled at mass hypnosis.

This is precisely why I don't write about my girlfriends.

Somewhere out of the blue (more likely gray), I found out we were coming into a major snowstorm in a few days. I guess not paying attention is occasionally a problem. I mean, you can usually just count on it to be gray, with a few odd days of sun here and there. For some reason, we have all our groceries. Usually we're in need of something as it snows. No doubt the shelves are picked clean of milk and bread, if there was any delivered (Supply Chain Shortages). We do not get snow like Canada or Minnesota, where 12" is just an annoyance. We get 4" and everything's a mess until July. All these years with snow and the city has not figured out how to manage it. They could even ask Minnesota how they do it, but no. Wait... I know why... if they learned how to do it right, they wouldn't need a small army of snow removal workers. Nobody does anything to endanger bureaucracy (except firing toll takers to put in the Automated Spying System{ASS}). 

As you know, I've been trying to get out on weekends, so we already have the reason I can't get out this weekend. With the amount of times this has happened, you'd have to call it a conspiracy. Either that or everybody got together to make sure I never got out to bother them. Like they did to make sure I never had kids. You realize that I haven't been to Guitar Center since before the Flying AIDS. Yes, I know I'll be disappointed when I get there, but I'd at least like the option of going.

Again, remember, most heart attacks occur while shoveling, so don't shovel.

Earlier, Neil Young was cranky about Spotify and threatened to pull his music over Joe Rogan's 'misinformation' about the Flying AIDS. Neil said it was either Neil or Joe. Spotify chose Joe. Meanwhile, Apple has taken advantage, sending notice to its subscribers with playlists, tweets, and push notifications.

I spent a few seconds on this.

No disrespect to the people who are affected by this, but the problem never touched me. Why? I rip albums and CDs to my hard drive. Everything's automatically available (including a folder full of Neil Young songs). I can take it anywhere (on my phone) and no one is keeping a record of what I listen to, to market to me. I don't have an account to any streaming service because it never occurred to me that I needed to do it that way. Plus I'm not really sure the services are going to have the music I listen to. I also don't want tweets and push notifications.  Just a thought.....

• OK, WTF Is Going On With the Reddit Antiwork Subreddit and the Fox News Ambush?
• Indeed. Although the article looks at the Fox News ambush, it's interesting to note the viral posts in the subreddit.
• It looks like a bunch of waah waah waah, sprinkled with an idea here and there. Perhaps these people recently graduated from one of our Woke universities and are demanding to sit home and have somebody pay them. Most of their complaints come down to this: do something, instead of complaining. Don't like your boss or your job? Get a different one. Come up with a need and fulfill it. Prefer unions? Organize. You are responsible for you.

Yet More Bottled Glass

Your love is like    The Roseanne Show without Roseanne

It snowed. I hate it here.

Because I expect winter to be 70-80 degrees, with little humidity, and perfectly sunny. No snow. Ever.

In fact, I expect summer to be like this too.

You doesn't has to be real smrt to has a blog.

I want to complain. OW. What did you do that for?

Oh, sorry, this is getting kicked in the nuts lessons.

Sorry... why would you need lessons in getting kicked in the nuts?

Sir, are you oppressing me?

Not me, I just want to complain.

Ah, that would be 2nd floor, with beds.

I want to complain. Why are there so many mattresses in Complaints.

OH NO, SOMEBODY SAID MATTRESS TO MR. LAMBERT 

[and did those feet, in ancient times, walk upon Philly's dirty streets...] 

I want to complain.

Get in line.

I am in line.

Ok. Do you have a number?

No. Where do I get a number?

It's on the ticket.

Hold on, hold on... I am expected to have a ticket and stand in line?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, this is a very silly sketch and I am not prepared to go on with it.

That's Philly for ya.

Is this Complaints?

No.

The man from Tickets told me to come here for Complaints.

Ok, yes, this is Complaints. We tell people no - it cuts down the traffic.

I want to complain.

Yes, we've already established that. I didn't have to take this job. I'm a theoretical physicist. I just do this for the benefits.

I want to complain. It's this weather thing.

I see. Can you be more specific? 

I don't like it.

Is there a part of it you don't like more than others?

Most of it, actually.

Is it the seasons? 

To start with, we only have two. 

Two, Sir? 

Yeah, summer, then somebody flips the switch and we have winter. I think they sold the other two for taxes. But that's not what's bothering me.

Sir, are you currently on any medication and have you taken it recently? 

Abuse is downstairs. I want to complain about the weather.

Yes....

It's cold in the winter and unbearably humid in the summer.

I see. And do you have any suggestions? 

I thought we could keep it around 70-80 with low humidity all year round.

Then you'd only have one season.

I could live with that.

Anything else? 

It snows.

It is the east coast, Sir.

If we get the temperature suggestion I made, we'd only have to see snow on tv news, from other states, and we could all laugh at them. And in Christmas movies.

I'll, uh, see what I can do.

What do you mean, 'see what you can do'? Is this not Complaints?

Yes, it's the largest complaints department in the state.

I want to complain. I want to speak to your boss.

Sir, if you think I'm an asshole, wait til you meet him.

[ThermionicPython]

Today I identify as  the semicolon key I hit instead of apostrophe. Every. Stinking. Time.

Flying AIDS News 

Meta (Faceyspaces) will require employees to have a COVID-19 booster to return to the office

Free AI protein software packages nearly predicted structure of the Omicron coronavirus variant correctly

Covid: Chile starts fourth vaccine dose amid rise in cases

                read that again 

Covid PCR tests end for asymptomatic cases in England

'We have gone backwards': Covid confusion snarls Biden White House

Which mask? What test? Covid's latest surge spreads an epidemic of confusion.

U.S. CDC may recommend better masks against Omicron - Washington Post

Don't forget, the majority of heart attacks happen while shoveling snow.

I keep trying to remind Wife, but she gets all wide-eyed, citing some sort of imaginary law, stating we must clear snow within 8 hours.

Or what - the Snow Police will get us?  

We have to bring up the trash cans too.

Yeah, the Trash Police...

And we still cannot find an enterprising youth to pay to shovel snow (or mow). I guess the youth of America have something better to do. Maybe they're quitting their jobs for Unemployment. Or quitting their job to work at Walmart or McDonald's, for $15/hr. Most likely, sitting in, playing video games.

Drones are coming to get us. It's fun to fly the hobby ones, but the Big Jobbies are there to spy on us and deliver less than pleasant payloads. So here's a great story about a drone delivering a defibrillator in time to save a man's life. He was shoveling snow and had a heart attack (told you so). 

• I had to go back to my old office. Again. I'm less sore this time, probably because I didn't have to play Naked Twister with the racks.
• Wife says I have to wear a mask at home. I suspect she's trying to tell me something....

Broadcast radio is trash. It has been trash for years and years. 

Never has it been trash in greater quantity than recently. There are a very few people writing the hits today; they're just handed off to the Flavor of the Month singer (sorry, dancer).

To make things more fun, there is now AI software that will create you a song. While this is fascinating on a technical level, it's pretty ugly on an aural level. It's not guaranteed to make you a star, and the company has most of the rights to your song. So go ahead - produce some product. It's all product anyway. Then everybody will want to sound like you. For a month. Good luck.

• Female dolphins have a clitoris much like humans’
• also get headaches 

My employer thinks ahead and wants to make things easier for their slaves employees. When they ask you to do something, they write it out and explain each step of the process. Unfortunately, the explanation is difficult to understand, and the steps are invariably wrong. It goes something like this:

1. Click link.   (Link takes you to old site that doesn't refer you to new site)
2. Look for Payroll    (there is no Payroll)
3. Look for "My last check"   (there is no Payroll. OH, it's under HR)
4. Print a copy   (you can only use work printers and you work from home)
5. Check to make sure you're under Payroll   (there is no Payroll)
6. Your information will be on the left  (it's on the right, 5 clicks away)
7. Can we offer you a soda?   (soda machines are at work, broken)
8. Is there anything else we can do?   (system does not understand DIE)

I'm the kind of employee who desperately wants to fix the systems to make things better for everyone. I learned to keep my mouth shut after the Talking to Manglement Incident.

• What 2 words tell you to immediately not watch the program?
• 1,000lb Sisters

I want my text messaging back.

With people using iDevices, I now get Likes on texts. This isn't social media - this is texting. And while we're at it, I don't want to see emojis on the subject line of email. In the beginning, email was text-only, and was checked in a terminal. We're being driven back.

lefty liked this post  😈

• 'They' say that many people with money are just as miserable as the rest of us, without money. I dunno about you, but I'd like to do the science.

As we mentioned in the last installment, Mrs. lefty is going visiting, and lefty knew he needed a babysitter. He suggested Jennifer Lawrence because they were talking about her.  There has been no response from the Mrs. lefty or the Jennifer Lawrence camp. I have a feeling it will be another lonely period, with no adult supervision. Anything that 'happens' is now on her....

• Today is the second day in a row we can see the sun.
• For penance, it's way below freezing.

In the future, people will look back on us and wonder what happened. There will be college courses on this time period. One of the more intense topics will be how vocal minorities managed to force the majority to go along with their bizarre ideas.

Somebody Please Tell the Car to Stop Talking to Me

Your love is like  shaved ice in the winter

 So I had to go into work today, for the first time in almost a year.

This meant I had to put on pants. I hate that.

The car DINGS to alert me there's a possibility of snow on the roads.

How does my CAR know this?

Apparently the car doesn't know snow is forecast for tomorrow. Maybe my car is special. Maybe my car should shut up. Jeez- I'll bet it's telling me all sorts of things and I'm just not looking.

• Asshole Ahead
• Asshole Behind
• That was a pretty good tune, who was it by?
• You should really hit your wife up tonight - she's in the mood

I have my music over BlueTooth, plenty of gas, and I'm off.  Speaking of Bluetooth, I need to find a really interesting Bluetooth name. The name of the car is too obvious. NSA Spy Van might work. Or Undercover Police. That way when anybody needs to connect, Undercover Police will show up. Better yet, IRS Collections.

Having gotten to work, I remembered how stressing it was on my body: all the standing, kneeling, walking, and standing and walking again made me really sore. Then the driving... mein Gott.

We made the server room Super Secret Access - it's incredibly safe. It's incredibly safe because we made it Super Secret Access and didn't bother to tell anyone, specifically me. The people who lovingly put everything in the racks did a wonderful job, as always, but they have a new way of doing things that involves hiding things in the rack. Even if you find them, you need a stool, 2' more height, and a nice suite of floodlights to figure out what's going on. Sometimes a seeing eye dog. If you put your phone in flashlight mode, it laughs at you, like that's going to help you see anything.

Then I made the ridiculously optimistic move of calling Mrs. lefty, to see if I could pick anything up for her on the way home. I say optimistic because she'll never hear the phone ring, whether it's the house line or her phone. Twice today I watched her walk out of the room and immediately, the phone rang. It makes me feel better that she's not ignoring me. She has her voicemail set up to tell everyone who calls that it's full and they can't leave a message. She shut voicemail down on the house line, so the only way to get her is if the phone is in her hand. Since she never knows where her phone is, you simply can't get in touch with her. She also doesn't receive texts from certain persons, #1 being me. I've tested this, so don't go telling me she's ignoring me. I've mentioned stapling the phone to her forehead, but if she answers it, she'll forget to re-staple it when she's done.

• Now I know two people with the Flying AIDS. A coworker had a bad headache, went to the ER, and tested positive. Since he was otherwise asymptomatic, they sent him home and told him to take ibuprofen if necessary.

Today I identify as   Bridget Jones

Flying AIDS News 

Omicron is not mild and is crushing health care systems worldwide, WHO warns

Florida’s COVID cases and hospitalizations are surging, but the state has the second-lowest death rate in the nation.

but they can't agree on why

CDC updates are straining already-pressed public health departments

Supreme Court appears poised to block Biden's vaccine and testing rules for businesses

Teacher put 13-year-old son in her trunk while driving to testing site for fear of COVID-19 exposure       Gawd bless America! 

CDC Pushes Flawed Study on Kids, COVID-19, and Diabetes

Covid-19: Common cold may give some protection, study suggests

• Pope Francis says choosing pets over kids is selfish
• So is molesting little boys and covering it up, pedophile 

Sinead O'Connor's 17 year old son committed suicide after he simply 'went missing' from suicide watch at a hospital. They both suffer from bipolar disorder.

I can't speak for Ireland, but if you're on suicide watch in the US, you either have someone sitting next to you or you are visited every xx minutes. The place is locked down pretty well, too. And the US has a pretty poor system.

Our most sincere regrets go to Sinead. 

We still don't like her music.

• Did you know there's a book called "Breasts - A Natural and Unnatural History"?  I'm shocked the author didn't send me an advance copy.

Just saw a commercial for athletic socks.

I can see I'm going to need them, to help me get out of bed, down the steps, and to the couch. Athletically. Because the regular old socks just aren't helping me athletically. 

Next up:

• athletic shoelaces
• athletic condoms
• athletic supporters

Facebook Launches 'Privacy Center' to Educate Users on Data Collection and Privacy Options

IRS launches Tax Center to educate taxpayers on paying a fair amount of taxes.

• If you use Norton or Avira antivirus, they just installed a cryptominer. It takes serious CPU cycles and Avira gets 15% (not sure about Norton). Avira was just purchased by Norton. Advice: go into settings and turn it off.
• if you have a QNAP device, get it off the internet NOW, per article. These things shouldn't be touched with 10' poles (opinion based upon constant issues)

RIP Bob Saget (65) unknown causes

I really thought that one of the Olsen twins was going to become famous in a bad way. Drugs or something. I never watched the show, but from the pictures, I thought the slutter-looking one was cuter (of course).

Well, it's winter, it snowed, and it's time for CLEANING! 

(don't tell anybody, but we've been cleaning for about 20 years and it has only made things worse) 

Dear?

Yes?

On the stove is a bunch of stuff I found in the prep area that might not be needed.

Cool. What? 

A set of wrenches, several packets you pour into water to flavor it, hubcaps from a 1974 Datsun, half-empty medicine bottles, some xmas presents, and $1.74 in change in the sink.

Ok, thanks.

Do ya think you could do something with all that stuff? The hubcaps are worth a lot, plus we could use the prep space.

Wait, wait, I'm doing something.

You probably don't remember, but we agreed not to leave non-kitchen-related things in the kitchen.

Nope, but I'll leave them there get them tomorrow.

Thanks. I don't want to go as far as to say we're getting organized, I just want to maximize the square foot of prep space so we don't have to move the elephant every time we want to cook.

Who's this lady?

What lady?

On tv.

I'm in the kitchen.

Well come in and see.

That's Jennifer Lawrence. I believe she's the highest paid female actress at the moment. I would like to have her babysit when you go away.

I've never seen her before.

To the best of my knowledge, they don't need to check with you before they decide on pay. Besides, your movies rarely have color in them, so it's understandable you might have missed her. So, about her babysitting....

When I was younger, I bought books on organizing and clutter.

And now they're piled up so high, we can't get into the kitchen.

Part of my problem was we were poor when I was little, so I'm overcompensating by buying lots of stuff.

No wonder Every Shopping Network<tm> calls to check on you weekly. We're putting their kids through school. Is it possible that money could have gone to better places?

It did. To cigarettes.

Small wonder we're broke. So, about cleaning....

The doctors told me to work on one spot til it's finished. 

And?

That's not the way I work.

So there are 17 half-finished projects in every room.

I'm working on it.

And how's that working out for you?

Maybe the doctors were right....

The kitchen and attic both need work, but it's probably not productive to remove only half the nuclear reactor parts from the kitchen, then spend quality time half-wiring the attic.

Look, I have to do it my way.

We both have a problem with clean, flat spaces. We simply cannot leave them alone. Every unoccupied space must be filled as soon as possible.

Why do you say that? 

That spot on the coffee table where my laptop sits? The moment I pick it up, there are 3 remote controls, strawberry Quik, and some batteries popular during the Truman administration sitting there.

It's a compulsion, like keeping all labels toward us.

No, that's obsessive compulsion.

NO IT ISN'T. Everybody goes through gallons of hand cleaner a week and keeps the tv volume only on even numbers.

So if the doctors were right about one task at a time, how do you think you're going to change?

I'm still thinking about it. STOP BULLYING ME.

I stopped discussing any of this with you after last time.

What happened last time? 

I cleaned up entire flat surfaces in the living room. 

I don't remember that. 

No matter, they were re-cluttered within hours. 

What about your contribution to the mess? 

I will cop to the guitar stuff, anything elephant-related, and the vertically-oriented Camaro in the dining room. The rest is mostly clothes. You have more shoes than some small countries. And you hang up clean clothes in places the elephant goes, so they're always on the floor. Or on the elephant, and trust me, he doesn't look good in some of your dresses. They're too small and he can't figure out how to put them on. It was only a matter of time til we had the world's first cross-dressing service elephant. I have to keep the LGBTQ+ people away - they want to celebrate his uniqueness and he just wants to be a service elephant. He says he really can't be a cross-dresser because he doesn't wear clothes in the first place. He insists he'd be more of a costume dresser and the other elephants would laugh at him. So he's in a good place now.

Did you say something? I was spackling the oven.

I felt I hadn't had enough grief and aggravation, so I went food shopping with Wife. She's feeling a bit sore, so I had to carry the heavy stuff. Naturally it's raining. In fact, the rain got heavier as we parked the car. Oddly, the only thing we've had approaching sun lately was after it snowed. I hate it here.

It was, as expected, a course in Supply Chain Issues.

Oddly, it was more a course in lefty Supply Chain issues. If I wanted it, they didn't have it. At one point, I didn't get too close to shelves so maybe there would be something I wanted.

Can I have some cherry yogurt?

Sure, out of the empty spaces for 100 different kinds, there are exactly two, so long as you want strawberry.

I see. How about some vanilla ice cream?

There's Philadelphia Vanilla.

WTF is Philadelphia Vanilla? Is it more highly taxed? Does it have pieces of cheesesteak in it? How about some frozen pizza?

Not a single one we eat. Some look decent, though. Look at this.. stuffed cheese and bacon.

What is it you say? Yeah, no.

But it rises in the oven.

Oh, the Exploding Crust Pizza! By all means.

I can't find the tomato soup.

You're right - I can't find a single can of it either. Imagine... tomato soup... wait - here's one. 

That's Healthy soup.

Oh. Here's one.

That's no salt.

Perhaps they stopped making good old regular tomato soup. Maybe there's no demand for it... heh heh.

Ok, pick out a few.

I want bean with bacon. It's right up there, in the empty spot.

Look on the bright side - there's cream of mushroom, cream of broccoli, cream of cream, and cream of onion. They're not the healthy or low salt varieties either.

Of course they're not. Those cans have been here since WWII. If anybody bought cream of celery, the registers would ring, sirens would go off, and the customer would win a million dollars.

Really?

No, I'm making it up, but it's not far from the truth. Geebus - my M&Ms caramel are fourteen dollars a bag! Maybe I'm higher maintenance than I thought.

Look, they have bologna.

Cool, I love buh-low-me.    {do not use this pronunciation around kids}

Look - soda is buy two, get two.

Oof, that's still expensive. Almost as expensive as water. Dammit, no matter which side of the soda box I pick up, the handle is on the other side.

Law of physics.

Have you noticed only a few people are wearing their breathing arrestors?

Yup, there was no sign. And they took out the 6' spacing signs.

Maybe they know something.

Or they just gave up.

Or that stupid robot-thing running around sucks up the virus.

Is that what that thing does?

I'm not sure, but there are definitely a lot of missing children around here.

Why does that magazine say Betty White turns 100?

Because some editor is about to be fired. Can I have some of that seasoning I like?

No.

Why not?

Because they have eleven varieties, but not yours.

Would it be easier if I stayed in the car?

No, you're not good when left alone, and I don't want to bail you out like last time. Remember: it's ok to watch those movies on your phone, but it's not ok to show your appreciation without pants.

You're as stuck up as the rest of them.

No, I'm the one who bails you out. Again and again.

We also went to the place that rhymes with Home Repo.

They required breathing arrestors. This caused me to not smell that woody smell the store has piped into the air. Because of this, their Competent Ray didn't get to me, and I didn't feel that if I bought tools, I could build stuff. That's how they get you: you come in for a screw and walk out with a complete $600 battery-powered drill and auger set. You had never seen an auger before in your life. It's a good thing you missed the plumbing aisle... heaven knows what you would have done to the toilets.

The thing that really got me was that the extremely friendly, helpful staff asked if they could helpful us with anything. She said no thanks, stood there, then walked right to the shelves she needed. She had never been in that store before. This has me worried. Out of all the superpowers....

Our last task was to get keys made. This sure has changed. There's an entire wall full of silly character keys you can buy. Hint: do NOT buy them. They're made out of a super dust polymer that breaks on its 25th use. It only looks like metal. There are regular key blanks available. They're proudly displayed by the second key machine, in the locked drawer, beneath the bags for the finished keys. Again, the employees were friendly and helpful. Especially Bob. Bob was hired to prove to the world how progressive and woke Home Repo is, by hiring an old man who is the only one who doesn't know he needs hearing aids. I suspect Bob has never seen wood either. The customer in front of us asked questions, Bob looked confused, and said things like 'Uhhhhh' and 'Green' a lot. By the time everything was over and the fire was put out, the time-saving, customer-operated key machine required three employees (and the firemen) to operate. That there is some time-saving hardware. If the employees can't operate it, the customers are better off trying to build their own houses. Even with the adorable little display that gave you instructions, that the third employee called over told the second employee to ignore because sometimes they're wrong. I was pleasantly surprised the key worked. At least I think the key worked. There was no screaming when she used it, so things must be ok. So far we've been through two Eeyore keys and one of those things that looks like a Twinkie but has 13 movies out...Minions? I suggested real metal keys, so she got Twinkies. We'll be back for another key in a month. The only thing that confused me is that there were six Customer Service ladies at registers and one cashier. She was all sorts of bright and happy, telling us, in detail, about her cats. The way she described one, I think he was a dog, but I didn't want to ruin her day by telling her. When you go to adopt a cat, hearing a BARK is a pretty definite indicator. Although having a cat that barks would be pretty cool.

When we got home, she wanted dinner. She suggested the cheese-infused pizza. I wanted the Philadelphia Vanilla ice cream. We combined them.

And still no trip to Guitar Center.

I am very high maintenance and highly demanding.

I always thought I was cheap and easy.

• Good: You bought a Mercedes
• Bad: The hood is locked. No user serviceable parts, etc
• Question: when was the last time you saw a Mercedes owner under the hood?
• the way some of these people drive, the doors should come locked too 

I should probably have Tesla send me their press releases... I couldn't write this stuff every week....

Tesla’s ‘Full Self-Driving’ beta has an ‘assertive’ driving mode that ‘may perform rolling stops’.  Also...

• gives the finger to other drivers
• blows the horn at other drivers
• aggressively passes if drivers in front aren't going fast enough
• stops using its turn signals entirely

4 Wheel Drive is Still Useless on Ice - Try it

 Your love is like  battle fatigue

Most of the people in the civilized parts of the US (both of them) have had it with the barrage of Medicare commercials. I can't make the commercials stop but I wanted to share some knowledge (I was in the field). Medicare is Medicare, and you can pretty much do what you want. You'll need a supplementary insurance to take care of the remaining 20% Medicare doesn't cover, and a Part-D for meds. The commercials you see are completely disingenuous, with their 'you are owed this stuff' patter. The truth is that, while you may get certain things by switching to a single all-in-one insurance, you're going to lose something too. Insurance doesn't make money by offering you perks. The perks are in exchange for something, frequently choice.

The bottom line is if you're considering an all-in-one plan, go over every single thing you need that's covered under Medicare, including meds. Then see if the other insurance covers all of it. The business of insurance is a business, and quite nasty. It is the responsibility of the consumer to make sure they're getting what they need. If you've got questions, ask away. Nothing personal will show up in Comments.

While we're on Commercials that Kill, we couldn't get by without lawyer commercials. You must remember - nothing you do to yourself is your fault and you are owed Big Bucks<tm> for everything that 'happens' to you. Slide on ice in the middle of an ice storm? It's obviously the fault of the person who owns the sidewalk. Watch some car hit a bus, then jump on the bus and claim whiplash? It's obviously the fault of the bus company and the car that hit it.

I have to admit, all these commercials have had an effect on me. I realized it while on the phone with one of the lawyers' offices...

Lawyer's Office: Cohen, Goldstein, and Pondhockey - how can we help you?

lefty: I need to talk to a lawyer.

LO: Sure, what's wrong?

lefty: it's a long story, but you say on the commercials that I am owed Big Bucks<tm> for anything, so I feel pretty bad and I want Big Bucks<tm>. They say if you want to win, get a Philly lawyer. You guys are known throughout the world as THE sharks. Is that really true?

LO: Absolutely is, Sir. Actually, what they say is to get a Philly Jewish lawyer, and we have the most Jewish lawyers of any Philly lawyers office. Some of them are doctor/lawyers too. Can you imagine such a thing? Double shark, with a complete lack of conscience or humility. Or sense of humor. What kind of case is this, Sir?

lefty: Doctor AND lawyer? Do you have to keep them separated from people?

LO: We only let them out for court. Court and dining. They keep themselves sharp by being rude to waiters.  Have you ever seen a South Philly waiter? They eat sharks for snacks.

lefty: I am starting to shiver. I have a case it's difficult to describe. It's more of a 'feels' thing than a falling thing.

LO: Ok, feels. Let me connect you with a female lawyer. They have (or had) some empathy and are better with feel things. I'm putting you through to Mrs. Cohen.

lefty: the one in the practice's name?

LO: No. Most of our lawyers are named Cohen. If they're not, we have their name changed. It scares the hell out of most other lawyers outside of Philadelphia. You'll be speaking to Tina Cohen.

LO: Tina Cohen's office - this is Tina - how can I help you?

lefty: Tina, my name is lefty and your commercials say I am owed money, so I want you to get me some.

LO: Certainly, lefty. Who recommended me?

lefty: The front office recommended you because you may still have a vestigial sense of empathy.

LO: Yes, I am the one that best imitates empathy and caring. What will we be suing for today?

lefty: I am a tried and true, red white and blue American. I am of a certain age and have been sued twice.

LO: That sounds a little light, but there's still time to be sued more. How can I help?

lefty: It's very difficult to admit this, but I've never sued anybody.

LO: Did I hear you correctly? You're American and you've never sued anybody?

lefty: [pause] ah.. yes.

LO: Then you're not really American, are you?

lefty: It's a good thing they routed me to the one that best emulates empathy.

LO: How can I help you?   [snort]

lefty: Well, I need you to tell me. I feel really bad about this, and I figure I'm entitled to something because I feel really bad about this.

LO: lefty, I have to be honest.. you're the first client that ever had this problem. I'm going to have to pull in the Really Big Cohens to help me with this. The ones they don't let near people. The one that hasn't come out of his office in 25 years but wins every case.

lefty: that sounds... scary. And impressive.

LO: Tell me about the suits filed against you.

lefty: I was playing in a band at a party. Someone died. It was somehow our fault. I was also sued for being some combination of nazi, asshole, white supremacist, and racist supervisor, because an incompetent coworker got fired. The fact he admitted he used to take naps in his car never made it to the process.

LO: I see. That's kinda light for your age range. Have you considered tripping over your own huge feet on somebody's sidewalk? Going on a kiddie ride and claiming a serious back injury? Riding a bus and claiming no hair on your entire body will grow? Total alopecia?

lefty: uhhh, no. I was pretty traumatized by both suits, actually. I swore never again.

LO: Now we're getting somewhere. We will start by suing both people who sued you, for emotional trauma. That's a good start. The other item, you not having sued anybody, is a little more complicated.

lefty: Ok, why?

LO: Well, there's really no precedent for it. No specific entity has caused your feeling poorly because you haven't sued anybody. Technically it's your fault for not having sued, but we never blame the client - it generates no billable hours. Look, I've very quickly consulted with the Ruling Junta and they've decided to go with The Showstopper. Because there's no specific entity to sue, we're going to sue everybody. The entire planet. Every person and group of people. No one in the history of the law has ever pulled this one off. They never even tried. Once again, a Philly lawyer will be the first and make headlines. We will not rest until other lawyers wet their pants when they find out they're up against a Philly lawyer.

lefty: your commercial said no money due until case is settled. Is that correct?

LO: Absolutely. Considering the hugely immense size of this case, we may give you a million dollars monthly, as walking around money.

lefty: uhhh... when this hits the press and legal journals, can we keep my name out of it? I want to live to enjoy my Big Bucks<tm>.

LO: Certainly. Although I can't understand why anybody wouldn't want to be tied to the largest lawsuit ever, we respect your privacy. Unless somebody sues you.

lefty: Who do I sue about this weather? There's another historic suit for you...

Today I identify as  one of those things in your eye that you see swimming around, but you know isn't real

• I sent my last taxes in with a Return Reciept. It took 4 weeks to return.

Today the president  noticed CNN's fact-checker isn't on the air all day, and hasn't been since November 4th. He wants to offer him some sort of position, because unemployment is a bitch.

I work for an incredible guy. He doesn't micromanage, doesn't bother me, and asks for what he needs done, knowing his people will come up with it. 

The other day I got a call.

Boss: Hey lefty - I hate to bother you, but Major Manglement let me know a few people on my staff were underperforming.

lefty: UNDERperforming? I get merit raises, great reviews, and Get Out of Jail Free coupons from HR, for when I offend people.

Boss: understand, it's not me. Major Manglement has been collecting info, crunching numbers, and making them into very colorful, meaningless charts and graphs.

lefty: what is it this time? Naps not long enough? Insufficient pr0n downloaded?

Boss: No. It's our Deleted Items folders.

lefty: I see. Dare I ask what about it?

Boss: it's too small

lefty: and how have they come up with this specific gem? Who decided how many is enough?

Boss: You know how it goes - I have no idea. But I'm under quota too. Just bring it up to quota. Then I can call you for more amusing stuff. By the way, you should probably not identify Windows as a virus in large corporate meetings, as true as it is.

lefty: understood. Here's my plan - feel free to use it: Write a filter to delete everything starting with an 'A' on Friday. Then put it back first thing Monday. Or just use Deleted as your inbox.

Boss: this is why you get merit raises.

a study found that heterosexual males posing with a cat in their photos were “less masculine when holding the cat, higher in neuroticism, agreeableness, and openness; and less dateable” by more than 1,300 women.

I didn't know this required a study. 

IT'S *$&#ING SNOWING AGAIN. 10" yesterday. Freezing rain last night. Quiet most of today. Then SNOW. Unacceptable. I used to work and sit on the couch. Now I work and I shovel. I prefer the former. So if you're watching the news tonight and there's a ha-ha story about some guy losing it and going nuts with a flamethrower attached to a shovel, you might be reading his blog.

And as I'm outside, shoveling, for the 3rd time this week, my right earphone keeps falling out. Thus proving I have 2 left ears.

Remember: most heart attacks occur while shoveling. I am not making this up. Be careful, unless you live in Arizona, in which case we'll be at your place in 8 hours.

• Here's a video from an article on communicating with lucid dreamers. It's done scientifically. It's quite interesting. I suspect this is the beginning of something big and they don't know how big. But what do I know?

But wait... it's going to snow again tomorrow. Who did what to whom?

Monday snow is the worst of all snows. Monday is the worst day of the week, so Monday snow just piles it on. Monday snow is bigger snow. If you're getting 3" of snow, it's tolerable. If you're getting 3" of Monday snow, move to Hawaii. The flakes are not only heavier, they're generally shaped in variations of the letter F, as in F- you. Some snowplow services will not guarantee work on Monday snow, preferring to wait until at least Friday, when it's plowable. Keep the kids indoors because if they get lost in 2" of Monday snow, you may not find them til July. Do not take this as a hint.

As is custom lately, it's supposed to rain afterwards, washing all the snow away. Nope. Don't try to pull the wool over our eyes - we're hip to this shit. Kick the ball, Charlie Brown. The forecast of rain is just to keep the proles from rioting after yet another snow storm, especially on Monday. By now, the snow is higher than some of the smaller houses on the block, and the neighbors are taking turns trying to dig a tunnel to the front door. Snow brings out the best and worst in humanity - like social media. Of course tunneling assumes the resident wants to come out of the house. It gets really ugly if the resident has kids. They start tunneling from the front door and the neighbors start from the sidewalk. They meet in the middle, but 2' off, like a $2 billion tunnel project in New York.

Speaking of which, I am advised the Crazy Lady, our bad neighbor, was 'taken away' yesterday. They never take her to the Happy Place, just to the hospital. Maybe it's time for her to transfer into a new body - she's over 470 now. Although I thought body transfer happened in her basement, not the hospital. I hope she's ok - I strive not to wish anything bad to happen to her. Mrs lefty tolerates her much better than I do: she was taught to respect her elders. I was also taught to respect my elders, but not after they run you over with a truck, then back up to make sure they got you.

• Anthony "Just 3 Weeks of Masks" Fauci says Americans may need to wear masks in 2022, even as restrictions relax. They may need a booster.

Speaking of Science, people who wear glasses are 3 times less likely to catch the Flying AIDS, because they touch their eyes less. But what if they only use their glasses to drive? What's the percentage there?

Mrs lefty and I had a small war polite discussion over whether the YMCA's pool was open. She said the place was largely closed because people didn't want to be in close proximity to others while exercising. That's certainly a valid point, but have you ever smelled the pool? The chlorine will kill any germ within a 3 mile radius, including some of the older swimmers...

We all know to support our local businesses. Nowhere is this more true than Nevada, where legal brothels are suffering because of the Flying AIDS. They're suffering from the prehistoric regulators who won't let them open. The ladies are forced to do internet shows to make ends meet.

Can you imagine when their Idiot Governor allows them to open, on May 1, then decrees masks and social distancing? This is why we need as little government as possible.

IS THIS THING ON?

The entire Oakley Union Elementary School District board has resigned. While this would normally be a good thing, they resigned because they were bashing parents and forgot the meeting was live and open to the public. 

They need to go back to school.

Saudi Ladies - It's Your Time

Women in Saudi Arabia can now enter the military.

• As long as they don't want to go past sergeant
• they must wear religious coverings over their armor
• the death toll is expected to rise, as the women must stay 10' behind the men
• no driving, and Good Lord - no flying. Just laundry.
• everyone must pray 5x/day, even under fire, and the women must clean the prayer rugs
• the least attractive recruits must keep their faces completely covered

Why do you think bargain fares are so low? Now get out and pedal.