Cloning my Service Elephant

I've mentioned the Ring doorbell cameras.
So has Amazon: to the police. They gave the police a 'heatmap' of all devices in an area. While the feature was removed, you can be sure that Amazon would never do it again, nor would police expect them to.



You know how some kids were always the last to be chosen in sports? I was that kid.  No, wait, I was next to last. The fat kid was last. The joke was on them because the fat kid knew way more about sports than I did. That was probably a consequence of growing up without a father. I can't blame my mom for not teaching me about sports (even though she still knows more than me to this day).

I played with the neighborhood kids. They gave me the basic idea and I played along. It was fun - we were little kids, we had a huge drive, and it was very hard concrete. My philosophy on sports (philosophy???) is all applied to the one sport I almost liked; bowling. We can face the fact that nobody, except maybe Einstein and famous supercomputers can score, but bowling was good for me: pick up the heaviest round thing* you could find, and throw it as hard as you can toward the white things. You had to knock down as many as possible. I applied this to baseball, tennis, football, and whatever else we played on the concrete. Because I had no fear, public school gym class was.... interesting. I led a strange tribe, called lefty's Lunatics, who jumped over various pieces of equipment, then (here is the important part) landed on their heads. This explains an awful lot, no?

* you have to find a left-handed ball. You think I'm making this up? Nope - it has to be drilled so the left hand can pick it up.

One day the local kids got skates. This was a little foreign to me, plus I didn't have any, so I'd watch. One day I got skates. Needless to say, I wasn't very good at them, probably because I couldn't apply my bowling philosophy to them. It was all I could do to stand. So there I am, in my non-moving state, and I notice the neighborhood smartass coming in my direction, on his skates. So this is the second time I've been on skates and I didn't have the chops to move out of his way. This little bastard was a few years younger, but everyone knew they were going to find dead animals buried in his yard, after they finally pinned the mass murder charges on him.

Think quick, lefty!
I stood there, arm extended, fist closed.
And the little bastard literally punched himself in the nose with my fist.
He went crying to his mommy that I punched him. Can you see me, barely standing there, trying to explain to Mother Mary that The Anointed One ran into ME? This was a good lesson, although I didn't know it at the time. There's always one asshole, who turns out to have a tiny penis and takes it out on the rest of humanity.

The moral of the story?
There is no moral of the story.
The moral is that if you don't like stories without morals, complain in the comments section.
If you like blogs without morals, bookmark this one.



A Dutch politician is facing 3 years in jail for hacking women's iCloud accounts and leaking nudes.   Sure, one politician who finally does something useful, and they want to jail him. We shall need to see the evidence.



I'm thinking of a new career..... . I want to be a Porn Critic. Just like those fancy d00ds and d00dettes in those New York fake news papers and magazines. Go ahead and review the latest Nora Ephron movie - I'll review Nora's Nasty Nuns (God Never Had This in Mind). One of the movies is demonstrably better than the other. I'll let you decide....

If I were one of those snotty reviewers, my entire job would involve writing two words: "Lacks plot."  Being a porn reviewer, who loves the milieu, I can say anything I want and mean it, without being snotty or holier-than-thou.

• While the anal scenes were spot-on, the fisting lacked realism. 
• When the 12 guys abused the hell out of that 5'2" girl, she kept crying, "More! More!" This is the kind of in-your-face moment that had me rewinding to see it again and again.
• No. I refuse. No clowns. A porn reviewer has to have his standards.
• This reviewer has never beheld a movie with such dedication and reverence for the form: of course I'm talking about Greta Does The World. It's the heartwarming story of an (of-age) girl, driving around the world, going around the world. Spreading her message of spreading in many countries. Becoming a world celebrity for f_ckng. It was 90 minutes of pure joy (and countless money shots). Of special mention was the scene where she tried to fsck the entire United States. People argued for and against her message, but her message of love got out, as did many other things. SEE THIS MOVIE.
• Quick review of Barbara's Bouncy Balloons: normally I enjoy any movie with semi-naked women sitting on huge balloons, bouncing, but this one just didn't... finish. The balloons were all wrong, and Barbara had the rhythm of a child with cerebral palsy and the verbal output of someone with Tourette's Syndrome. Avoid.
• Very few movies take women into mind, but here's one: A Hard Man (Is Good to Find). The men were all over 10" and the women vacillated between frightened and wide-eyed with naked lust. Ok, it lacked plot. Ok, it might have been unrealistic in spots. But foreplay went on for 43 minutes per scene. A must-see for women. Men should consider it a training film.

Our good friends over at DHS want facial recognition scans used on Americans, in addition to existing scans on everyone else.  Who could have seen that coming?



Remember?

• computer shows?
• on the steering column gearshifts?
• bright light switch on the floor, under the emergency brake?
• touch tone phones with no # or * key?

"This Entire Century Has Been An Unmitigated March In The Direction Of Stupidity"   @zerohedge

• 5 ways to protect your privacy on Chrome
• Like it or not (I don't), it's the most popular browser, whether by itself or built upon.

Just in case you need surgery, you should know that docs are now consulting YouTube for direction(s).  This means that if you're good at printing fake diplomas, you can be a surgeon too!

• I'm over the moon delighted that this blog has gotten past its 2-6 hits per day, so if I need to feel disappointed, I just check ThermionicMalware, which has 15 hits over its lifetime (ok 2 weeks, but still.....)

Hey, how about that opioid crisis?
Related article: Suicides associated with forced tapering of opiate pain treatments.

• Wife's new acquaintance called six times and texted four times last night.
• I have a strange feeling about this one... some sixth sense tells me it may not work out well.

How to keep a cat off a Christmas tree
Long time readers may remember Ren, our exceedingly intelligent FDU (Feline Destruction Unit). We got him when he was a few weeks old and he was a precocious little bugger. We only had one cat before (Fred) and he was pretty well-behaved, but died early. Ren grew up and grew and grew, to where he was almost as large and 10 pounds shy of Marshall, the wonder-cocker. Ren would torture Marshall, whose main wish was to be an only child. Ren would also hang from under Marshall, yet they'd sometimes nap together. For some reason, Ren was highly antagonized by the xmas tree. We had one that went up in stages.. maybe he wanted a real one, but he would get into it, push off some very expensive baubles, rewire the lights a bit, and eventually disembowel the tree. It became too much of a problem so I decided to meet him halfway: I took just the 12" top section of the tree and hung it from the ceiling, so he couldn't get it. He tried leaping but failed. We won!!!  Well, not really. By later that day, he figured out how to get it off of the ceiling. We lost. No more trees til he left us. Marshall left the trees alone, unless there was food under them.

• Best book title this week: Ask Me About My Uterus
• Best audio title: Bonny Tyler - the RCA Years    Huh? Was there more than one year?
• Best job title: Ethical Hacker.  Ethical?

Dammit, I hate to be serious, but here goes.

You sure picked a bad time to be Catholic.
If I were Catholic, I'd be out for blood (sorry). There's nothing wrong with the religion - it's the Upper Corporate Administration. Never mind all the secrecy, the trillions in goodies in vaults, and the politics.. they allow and turn a blind eye to pedophilia. This is not acceptable (notice my gentle phrasing, which you don't see often here). This 'secret' has been out in the open for God knows how many years, yet nothing is done.

Pope Francis has accepted the resignation of Buffalo bishop Richard Malone following reports that he kept a secret binder full of the names of accused priests in a closet in his office.

It's so far out in the open, it might as well be featured on a Kardashians show. This is enough proof for anyone, yet nothing will be done.
I'd like to suggest that Catholics, who are innocent of this, jettison the corporate structure. Find different places of worship. Let the collection plate go empty. Most importantly, call for a legal investigation into these evil practices. One child abused is one too many.

Isn't it time?



The good news: NASA satellite found India's Moon lander
The bad news: AAA does not send tow trucks to the Moon.




Heroes of the Stupid

L.A.'s Head of Homelessness resigned after a 33% increase in people sleeping on the streets.  They expected him to hit at least 50%.

Kamala Harris is out of the democratic race for president. If she continued, she'd have to spend her own money. I'm serious.



SJWery

One huge drawback of nuclear power is that it doesn't dismantle systems of oppression - it only produces clean energy.   Next up: how air is racist


I left Greta Thunberg alone. The situation needed to simmer a bit. And sure enough, it germinated and grew an SJW:

After all, the climate crisis is not just about the environment. It is a crisis of human rights, of justice, and of political will. Colonial, racist, and patriarchal systems of oppression have created and fueled it. We need to dismantle them all.


San Diego State University launched an online portal for reporting incidents that include "messages of bias."  They also launched a "free speech" website, where students can learn about their First Amendment rights.  Strangely, there are some clashes between the two.

This is the Edge. You've gone over me.

There has been a breakthrough in quantum teleportation.
Worth a read, even if just for the possibilities.

Commenting on Brexit, one of the people involved referred to Brexit as a Schroedinger situation, where people want to leave and stay at the same time. You don't hear this from US politicians.

What is wrong with the UK?
They just passed stringent censorship laws to make things 'safe' online.
Where are the free speech advocates?
I won't be surprised if some sites refuse to exist in the UK. This is what happened when GDPR hit: you'd see notices about the site not being available in those countries.



RIP

Ric Ocasek, singer from The Cars. (75)
Not a fan, but still...
Eliot Easton, however.....




Dear lefty

• How many republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
• None. Nothing will get done and they'll blame the democrats.
• feel free to switch the parties around

I learned something today: right after Roe v Wade, a congressman introduced a bill to exempt medical personnel from performing abortions if it violated their religion or morals. It passed.  There is a suit pending from a nurse, 'forced' to assist in an abortion. Well, she had the right to walk out, but felt she would make too much of a big deal if she didn't, so she's suing. I guess one of the great things about our system is that anyone can sue anyone for anything (except if excepted by Congress). Prediction: she will win the suit, but damages will be limited because she didn't walk out when she had the chance.

• It's late. Things are quiet. I can hear myself think. 
• I preferred when it was early, loud, and I couldn't hear myself think.

For a guy who has always loved technology, and taking it apart, I sure hate technology. Turns out it's not just me.

I needed to have a conference with 2 family members... no problem... most phones allow you to do this. Not that the phones make it easy... I had to look it up because things don't come with manuals anymore. It's pretty easy to do (after reading how). Like most things, it wasn't obvious and the controls don't appear onscreen until you're in a call.

One ringy dingy, two ringy dingy... Party 2 answers. I call Party 3, who naturally doesn't answer. He calls back and I hit the Magic Merge Button, which hooks us all up. Well, sorta. Party 3 was popping in and out and sounded like he was inside a mariachi band. This is fine if you like Mariachi, but not so much if you like being able to talk. Technology Fail.

Party 2 uses a service where people can call in and be connected. So I do, and for some reason, it worked. My surprise was short-lived, when it simply disconnected. Upon reconnecting, Party 2 said he had to set the call up five times before we could connect (and get disconnected). Party 3 called in and we finally had a chat, because the Mariachi band was on break. When they came back, it kept breaking through the silence on his end. The Mariachi actually spoke more than he did, which was annoying (even if you like Mariachi). His phone connection was absolute crap too.

C'mon, people... it's 2019. Why are we still having so much trouble with ($&@ing cell phones? I joke that it's new technology and they need another 25 years to work out the bugs, but this is really sad. We also pay an absolutely ridiculous amount of money for this 'quality' coverage, compared to other countries.

Whoever said advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic was right. And needs to be shot.




Meanwhile, at my job, I got up and walked to someone else's desk to say hello. I regret that I have no pictures to post. On the positive side, you don't have to look at me (or my pictures). My coworkers all look like Nancy Pelosi and Mitch McConnell. And Oprah, during the 'large years.'

• Opinion: US can slash healthcare costs 75% - interesting.

In my search for news, I spent a few minutes on Fox.
I watched Lindsay Graham go on about how the dems hate Trump. He scapegoated them for everything. Then he did a brief Warhawk speech on how al Queda and Taleban are threatening our security in Afghanistan.

Graham slipped and told two truths: the dems have Trump Derangement Syndrome and the Warhawks are even worse than anyone imagined.

We didn't get where we are because of one party: It's all a choreographed dance. They are at war.. with US.





Horrors Near Home

The picky niece has a new boyfriend. Good for her, she's tough.
He's black, she's white.
This isn't an issue for anyone except the grandfather, Sergeant Hitler. The patriarch has a bit of a racist streak, amongst others.
To everyone's shock and surprise, the Sergeant really liked the guy. Relief fell upon the masses.  [This is what's called a setup.] Here's a list of stuff we are trying to avoid saying when meeting the boyfriend:

1. So you're the black guy...
2. Niece - Is it true?
3. Hey, we brought a case of grape soda.
4. Are there black Jewish girls?
5. Don't mind him - that's a dunce cap. Really.

• Why do I like Ron Paul? I wind up agreeing with most of what he says.

So I'm sitting there, computing Important Things, then get up to get a soda. When I come back, there's a piece of donut by the computer. I am absolutely sure it was not there when I left. The dog is asleep on the couch. So how did the donut appear? I heard no noise.

Either the donut spontaneously appeared or the dog is a little sneakier than I thought. Hey- where is the dog getting donuts and why isn't she eating them?

• No thanks, I'd rather be Trump's social media manager.

Feel-Good Story of the Week

There's store video of some thug going into a Philly cell phone store and pulling out his gun. The counter guy pulls out his legal concealed gun and shoots the guy. No charges filed (at present).

• Johnson and Johnson has been fined for misleading marketing of opioids in Oklahoma. Johnson and Johnson is reeling from the historic $475 million fine. They claim assault over this most severe wrist-slapping.
• Shuddering from thoughts of a drop in profits, the other pharmaceutical corporations are seeking a cap on damages. No one capped their sales...

Yeah, I tend to miss Popular Stuff. I didn't know Christina Aguilara is a Disney alumnus. Now we have to wonder how long til her inevitable breakdown and what it will look like. Shaving heads has been done, as has drugs, something that looks like multiple personalities, 'outrageous' behavior, being largely nude in public, and countless other stunts.



Heroes of the Stupid

After finding that some people fall for satire online, researchers at Ohio State University are advocating for the flagging of satirical articles so that people do not get confused. They claim falling for satire articles is a "problem for democracy."    Sick society.


Man fights off subway attacker in wild video as bystanders get out their cameras and record. No one helped.





SJW Strikes

[twitter]
"It's official, we have a 4 year old daughter! Waylon is now Willow. Took a LOT of paperwork to make the gender transition.    Child Abuse 101


FB bans Irish girl's account after saying her name is a racial slur.


A college professor was 'retired' from his job for things like social media posts about hitting the president with a baseball bat. This is unprecedented (being fired, not threatening harm to the president).

State of the Blog Address

Blah blah blah.
Blah blah God blah blah family blah blah.
Blah blah blah Make Blog Great Again blah blah.

• One of the many benefits of living in my house is that it's never boring. No matter what time of day or night, what part of the house, or who's involved, there's no shortage of Sheer Fun. This morning I found a wife busily scrubbing a dark brown substance from the couch.
• Uh-oh.
• Apparently it all started with a 32oz cup of chocolate milk. The dog decided to 'help' by leaping up, causing the entire 32oz to do an experiment on the science of chocolate milk's suitability for flight.
• The results were so spectacular that we will be cleaning chocolate milk from a twenty foot radius of Ground Zero for days. Equipment across the room got splattered. Fortunately, at no point did Hawaii issue an incoming chocolate milk alert.
• The only thing that got spared was the dog, who just sat there and licked his paws.  [chocolate can be fatal for dogs]

I bitch a lot about the weather. I bitch a lot, period.

According to this morning's Weather for Idiots, it's much colder here than Minneapolis. Plus the Minnesotans are making fun of our accent.

I'm not kidding about Weather for Idiots: you get the temperature, but it's almost irrelevant: you are given the weather quality on a one-to-ten scale (the Eagles Forecast). Then there is a two dimensional character called Bus Stop Buddy, who shows up dressed in weather-appropriate clothing, standing at the bus stop. Even the dog complains that this is beneath his level.

Then there's Bother. Every news team has a Bother... the one member who instantly annoys everyone who watches. You wonder how this person is still employed until you come to the logical conclusion that they have pictures of Rupert Murdoch with midget donkeys and cream cheese. At least I hope that's cream cheese.

Bother makes people leap off their couches with the urge to kill him or her. Even people walking by the television. Neighbors. Cousins who don't even watch the news.  Our particular Bother is one of the aforementioned midgets, only this particular height-impaired human is also one of the Ritalin Children, who never outgrew (or medicated) his A.D.H.D.  He bounces around like a pinball, talking at top speed and top volume, torquing off 90% of the viewers. Unfortunately, he also has pictures of them with Rupert Murdoch (the donkeys refused). 

As if this weren't enough, two people appeared on the show with German Shepherd heads and two actual German Shepherds, dressed in Iggles t-shirts. I'm hoping the SPCA raids the set and arrests them for animal cruelty. That would be Must See TV.

There is some parlor in Philly giving out free Iggles tattoos.

The wife's Instant Analysis was that the lunacy hasn't begun - it's just ramping up exponentially. Win or lose, the city is going to have to do more than grease the light poles this time.


And the city managed to get through it with only a few fires, store windows smashed, and turning-over of cars, sometimes onto other cars. It just goes to show that Los Angeles and Chicago aren't the only places that can throw a good riot.

• Everyone's celebrating Dem Iggles winning the Superbowl in their own way.  One man, exemplifying Philly, bent down and scooped up some horse manure. Instead of hurling it into the crowd or setting it on fire, he ate it. The crowd cheered. His wife got an emergency restraining order and is reportedly looking for a 'good Philly lawyer' for her divorce.
• The Ritz-Carlton's awning collapsed because people were standing on it.
• Macy's and TMobile's windows were smashed. Nothing was taken. When asked for comment, a bystander (who swears he had NOTHING to do with the windows) was quite  offended at the suggestion that Philadelphians loot. "In Philly," he said, "we do not loot. We set our own cars, or someone's cars, on fire and flip them onto other cars."
• The police were out on horseback, but were unable to trample and of the revelers. Their parents would be ashamed, if they weren't helping them turn the cars over.
• To show they were good sports and there were no hard feelings, the crowd chanted FUCK TOM BRADY!
• Although the light poles were greased (11 knocked down), those unstoppable fans managed to get up there anyway. The Army has representatives in Philly today to study how hard a head has to be to ignore grease. "It's amazing none of them demonstrated the ability to hover," said Sergeant Stedenko. 
• The city's top cop took a bottle to the back of his head. He said he was proud to get stitches because the Phillies made it to England.
• Quote from New York Post: Philadelphia was on fire, in some cases literally...
• There will be a parade.  This will not end well.  I will be the only one at work.
• Philadelphia schools, public and parochial, will be closed, so they can see the historical parade. Gee, wouldn't it be nice if Philly could get anything else organized as quickly as this? And if schools taught something useful, instead of sports? 

• In case you don't fully understand how America was screwed by Congress, which just authorized the NSA to collect all of our communications without a warrant, here's a very good explanation from security expert Bruce Schneier. In essence, the NSA is now legally allowed to do what they've been doing all along. Edward Snowden's head just exploded. Next time a member of Congress complains about something, remember what they authorized.

Best Headline, US Edition: One in 10 Americans think HTML is a sexually-transmitted disease, study finds. One in four think MP3 is a Star Wars robot. One in three think computer viruses are transmissible to humans.

• Today I learned: there is a person named Fetty Wop.
• This illustrates what's so good about America: anyone can name themselves whatever they want, no matter how stupid or certifiably insane. There is a Nordic country that must approve the baby's name first, proving my point.
• Unfortunately there is no such agency protecting pets from being named by their owners.

There is a killer whale who can speak! It can say hello, goodbye, count to three, and say the name of its trainer, Amy. In addition to the obvious reasons, this is remarkable because whales do not have the same vocal structure as humans. Already, Ellen has invited him on her show, although we suspect it's just to get to Amy.  Republicans and democrats are worried: after a few more weeks of training, the whale will beat them in the midterm elections.

• The Trade is a new docu-series focused on the stories of addicts, their families and the law enforcement officials trying to curb the epidemic that kills 91 Americans a day. 'It needs to make you uncomfortable': the opioid documentary set to shock America
• What the documentary will fail to show is the person in the long dark coat, forcing the addicts to shove the needle in their arm. Or buy the pills for recreational use.  Oh wait.. there's no one forcing them to do this?
• This will only hurt the people who need opioids to help control their chronic pain.

Good God, they're still after me.
I went to see the young one performing with the school's orchestra. They closed with the Eagles fight song. Unfortunately it wasn't the Joe Walsh Eagles. As I was reminded, it would probably be a bad thing to smash a few violins on the conductor's head and about her person.

• On sale, tickets for Paul Rodgers (Bad Company), Ann Wilson (Heart), and Jeff Beck (Jeff Beck). This is going to be a real treat for everyone. Two great rock voices and arguably the world's greatest guitar player. My wife, who doesn't play an instrument, goes to every Jeff Beck concert. Highly recommended.

Speaking of concerts, I found something odd about this one: the conductors announced the song, then spoke about the composer and the song, sometimes including the song structure. Although I've been a musician for many many years, I don't 'get' classical music, nor does most of the audience, I'm willing to bet. How, then, does explaining it to the Great Unwashed help?

"This next piece, Rhapsody in Puce, was written by Leopold Liberace, during his food poisoning period in France. It's interesting to note that Leopold, whose friends called him Ted, didn't start composing til shortly before he started decomposing. If you listen closely, you'll hear the composer's use of the chromatic didactic during the flourish. You'll also say to yourself, 'Hey - that's the song from the Tide Pod commercial!' "

I don't think the person sitting next to me appreciated my question about the concert so far, when I asked about the presence of the conductor's hair down there. It's ok, though... Mom's used to my outbursts.

So I'm sitting there, both amused and puzzled, mentally composing this entry. How would this look if it happened during a rock concert? To make the blog less of a chore to read, I'll go ahead and show you....

"Yo. Thank you, thank you. You guys here in [looks around, pauses] Delaware are the BEST!"
[audience cheers wildly, even though the concert is technically taking place in Nebraska]
"Thank you. This next tune... I'm serious, guys... this next tune is called 'The Plight of the Bumblebee in Relation to Vacuum Theory.' This one was written by Bob, our drummer, during his blackout phase in Utah, while coming to the realization that he should start considering one of those celebrity drunk tanks. The song features a standard rock structure, except during the break, when Bob inevitably f's up the third fill and misses the chorus, even though he wrote the goddamn song. Interesting story: at the end of the tour, if not sooner, Bob's going back to the clinic and we're replacing him with a drum machine. Don't tell him, ok?"


Bitching (speaking) about weather, the Five Day Forecast is gloom with precipitation and low temperatures. This is similar to last week's forecast. Perhaps you remember the order, but I expect it to rain toads, blood, and Brussels sprouts with rosemary. At the end of the street, some old dude is loading animals into a large homemade boat.

Punxatawny Phil, the rodential mascot for Punxatawny, Pennsylvania, is due to pop out of his abode, and if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of movie stars complaining about the president. The joke's on us, as it's never sunny in PA, so he'll never see his shadow. This means we'll have three to seven more years of Hollywood complaining about the president and accusing Punxatawny Phil of sexual harassment.

But seriously, folks, the script changes this year. It seems that Phil has been diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder. It's particularly bad at this time, because he hasn't seen the sun in three months. When he fails to see his shadow, he's going to get out his Groundhog Grenade, pull the pin, and swallow it.

In completely unrelated news, Punxatawny has announced a new mascot for next year. Due to pressure from social justice advocates, the new rodent is Punxatawny Philomena. Philomena is a female-identifying transgender trans-species animal, who identifies as a Sherman tank. She describes herself as a Jew and an antisemite, whose hobbies include deep connections with women's social justice causes and prostate cancer. If you misgender or microaggress her, she will pressure the mayor to send you to a country where stoning is not only allowed; it is encouraged.

• Wildlife Strikes Back: a Maryland hunter was airlifted to a trauma center, after a dead goose fell from the sky and landed on his head, causing head and facial injuries.

Here's a list of the twenty most hated companies in America. The results are pretty much what you'd expect, with a few surprises. Number one should be fined so heavily, it will go under.

• Immigration (ICE) raided 77 North California businesses, looking for illegals. There were no arrests. Probably because Governor Jerry Brown blocked the doors with his body.
• In the Cliche Department, ICE raided one hundred 7-11 stores last month, arresting 21 suspected illegals.

STING instigates violence: a couple was in the midst of a domestic dispute when one of them went to the bedroom and played Sting's "If You Love Someone, Set Them Free." At this point, the dispute went physical, according to police. Sergeant Smith stated that individuals should not, under any circumstances, play Sting songs.

• George Washington University was rocked by a picture on social media, featuring two students, one of which was holding a banana, with the caption "Izzy: I'm 1/16 black."
• This is unprecedented. It's an outrage. It's 2018! I have absolutely no idea why this is racist. If you can enlighten me, please leave a comment.

The Dow plunged 666 points this week.
I think it's a sign: the Dow is talking to me.
Do not doubt me - the Beatles talked to Charlie Manson...

We Need Commonsense Truck Laws

It was a fine morning.
The wife had taken off at some unearthly time to take the parents to the airport. They were flying to somewhere (allegedly) warm.* It was so early, she had to scrape ice off the windows.
Back home, I had to get the trash out before the trucks did their parade down the block. Fortunately they didn't have their marching music blasting from the trucks this morning. The Crazy Lady was peering out her spyhole front window, shaking her head disapprovingly, as her trash goes out three seconds after the Minimum Allowable Time strikes the previous day.

Running late, I looked down at Marshall, who looked up, expectantly.
Ah yes, The Dance of the Medicines.
As you know, he isn't very good with taking his pills, depending on your definition of good. He has figured out all manner of not taking his pills, worse than a psych patient in a locked ward. We have tried all sorts of hiding places, like peanut butter, cheesecake, lunchmeat, tuna loaf, Tastykakes, and whatever else is around. This week we're back to turkey. I carefully roll the pill in turkey and present it to His Highness. He quickly sniffs it and gobbles it (sorry). I notice the chewing isn't at his usual rate, which signals Shenanigans. Not hearing the pill drop on the floor (he spits them out while eating the lunchmeat), I turned to give him another pill and there he sat, pill attached to the side of his mouth. Now if you're a black dog, you should probably not hide your white pills on the side of your face. Yes, he's smarter than we are, but according to science, he sees black and white.. perhaps some color.

Running later, it was time for breakfast. No, not mine - his.
Marshall gave up dog food a while ago. As he is doing his best to train his parents, he hasn't had to touch the stuff since. I guess it's not so bad - the stuff costs more than our food, plus we know what he's getting. Unfortunately there was none of it about, so I went with the No Fail Option: tuna. Or as he prefers, "Smells Like Cat Food." Never a problem with tuna. It comes in its own juices too, which drives him nuts (further).

Then it was time for my pills. There's the one to prevent diving under the desk and sitting there for the rest of the day. The other one to counteract the side effects of the one that prevents diving under the desk. The most disgusting pill known to man: vitamin B. I've seen people willingly choose the stuff they give to prisoners with a death sentence over vitamin B.  Then there's the pill that keeps me off the mail lady. The postmaster was very clear about this, so I try not to miss any.

It's not that my wife takes a lot of pills, but the pharmacy truck pulls up after the mail lady leaves.

• All we hear about these days is the opioid crisis. I mention this because the dog takes a non-opioid, very mild pain reliever. Recently we discovered that the Mother In Law also takes this pill. Mother In Law was very unhappy to discover that the dog's dosage is higher than hers and is on the phone to the doctor now.
• As for the Great Opioid Crisis of 2017, a presidential order will result in further chasing of our tails and, importantly, genuinely sick people not being able to get their pain medication. Remember the signs on the pharmacies that said "We do not carry Oxycontin"?

We cannot go a few days without Internet of Things news, and today's is a real winner. LG has a Smart Vacuum. Yes, you read that right. For the bargain price of $549, you get a vacuum that streams video to a smart app on your phone.  The problem is that an attacker can intercept the video, hack the account, and 'gain control of the device'. While it might sound like someone else doing the vacuuming, it could allow access to the home network. So someone can look around your house. 

There are patches to secure the device, but these depend on the vacuum owner having the latest version of the app. What are the odds.....? By the way, over 400,000 of these vacuums have been sold. We're just asking for it. 

Back in my days of customer service, I was taught that when I say NO, I should offer an alternate solution. Well, I left customer service because I hate people, but I want to help. What I'm going to do is keep my house just like its owner: dumb. Dumb dumb dumb. I managed to use vacuums all my life that didn't have a video system that streamed to my phone. You did too. My vacuum is not required to see, as that's a function I can handily perform. My tv does not need to listen to me or send details of what I watch to the manufacturer. My toaster does not need to communicate with anything, other than to tell me when my toast is done (DING). I can survive without my fridge showing me what's in it and telling me what I need to buy at the store.

It's not that I can't see the value of certain smart appliances. A friend has his tv set up through his network and can control it with his voice. Another talks to his Google box, which gives him handy answers to questions and reminds him of things. That's pretty cool... this is the future we read about. What we didn't read about was the technology spying on us and hackers taking over our home network. It's your choice.

• Because of all the ship incidents recently, the Navy has made sweeping changes, including improved training for sailors. 
• Do. Not. Hit. Other. Ship.

China and the US signed an agreement not to hack each others private sector companies for commercial gain in 2015. After the signing, hacking dropped ninety percent. This is really an accomplishment, except that the intrusions haven't entirely stopped; the Crap Cleaner malware left signs that China was involved. 

Taken on its own, an agreement not to hack private sector companies kinda willingly pushes aside the small matter of hacking government systems. 

Mom... Russia is looking at all our files.
Yes, Dear, but they've agreed to ignore files on regular people's computers.

• Tenth graders in California (where else?) are being taught that their sex partner must say 'yes' every ten minutes or it's rape.
• Omitted from this all-encompassing piece of knowledge is what to do when you have multiple partners at the same time.
• Also missing is whether 'oh my God' is an affirmation.
• Who reports the 'rape' if the partner waited til eleven minutes to say 'yes'?
• Do both partners have to do the Rape Dance afterwards, if any laws were broken?
• Can't the president just build The Wall around California?

Parents: you're doing a great job by monitoring your kids' internet use, on their phone, computer, and tv. Unfortunately, the Circle with Disney program you're using has been found to have twenty two vulnerabilities. You're still practicing good parenting, though... instead of monitoring, you're teaching your children to hack. This is a very valuable skill in the 2010s.

• Because you're an aspiring linux guru, here's 3 tools to help you remember linux commands.

Apple will share face-mapping data from the iPhoneX with third-party app developers. Although not as alarming as the headline sounds, this is bad news.

• There's a lawsuit. Yes, there's always a lawsuit, but this one's a winner: a woman is suing Sephora (it's a makeup store, guys) because one of their lipstick samplers gave her herpes. No word on whether the sampler was called Ron and if it was applied in the back room.

Hold onto your hats, kids.... an independent Special Committee has cleared four Equifax executives, including the CFO, of insider trading, after they sold shares just before a major data breach was revealed. Yes, there may be more facts in evidence of which we are not aware, but please... the selloff occurred over a few days, right after they discovered the breach (a month before it was made public). Let me phrase it differently: if you or I had done this, we wouldn't have internet access in jail.

• Offshore law firm Appleby got hacked recently and the hacker dumped an awful lot of information for everyone to see. Yeah, yeah, another breach, it's Monday. Wanna hear a few bits of information?
• secret financial dealings between commerce secretary Ross and a Russian firm part-run by Putin's son-in-law
• millions of dollars of investment in Facebook and Twitter from Russian state companies
• Yes, I like to watch things burn sometimes.. especially when information like this comes to light. They're dirty all the way up to the top.