Gorillas Gluing Tweed

Here it is, the day I've been waiting for.
THE SUN!
It's out and as bright as ever.
It is confusing the hell out of me.

It makes me want to do stuff.
I'm full of energy.
I should really clean.
Yup. Clean.
I feel like cleaning.
Like I feel like going outside in the 41 degree sunshine and dancing naked.



It's 2018.
Have you noticed how quickly things get into public domain after they happen? I'm talking politics and Bad Stuff in general.
Notice how long after a scandal breaks, we get the news and frequently the perp. Same with mass shootings (except Las Vegas).
Russian collusion in the election. Russians and Trump. Obama henchmen, entrenched in high positions. Leaking on a massive scale.

[Jay Leno voice]
Hey, what's with these mass shootings, especially in schools.
Before Columbine, it barely happened.
Now it's every few weeks.
Are the kids that mad about homework?

Faceyspaces has fired Cambridge Analytica for harvesting the demographics of 50 million subscribers, without their knowledge, and providing it to the Trump campaign. The cynical (you rang?) would say they were fired because they helped Trump. The slightly less cynical would notice that Faceyspaces said, "If there's anyone violating personal information, it's going to be US."

• In case you missed the news, gay sex robots are on the rise, so to speak, at a brothel in Spain, allowing straight men to experiment with homosexuality. Among other features, the doll has a customizable penis. What is a customizable penis? Can you order colors, sizes, glowing, and monogrammed? Does it go limp and ask for Viagra?
• I don't care what you want to do with/to the doll or what you do at brothels, or what you do at home - it's none of my business. My small question is how straight men experiment with homosexuality. Wouldn't they fail to be straight at that point? Do law-abiding citizens experiment with thievery?
• At the brothel, the dolls are available for rental. In other news, businesses in Spain are hiring maintenance people to clean lifelike dolls at hourly intervals.

Pelosi Watch

To cheers from the masses, Nanci Pelosi announced her retirement in 2016. She decided to stay on to ensure Washington had at least one woman in power. The bar is pretty low, apparently. We used to vote for candidates based upon their lies qualifications. Now we vote for them based upon their plumbing.

Pelosi wanted to let everyone know she's not going anywhere. Some Democrats are running against her because she's politically toxic and they don't want her as  their leader. If I were a democrat, I'd vote for that senile old guy with the coke bottle glasses on the Sopranos. Oh wait, he's already there.

Highlights from Pelosi's speech to female congressional candidates:

They tell me my medicine isn't working, but I say HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPOS.

We will not stop until California is 99% illegal aliens. Who among us hasn't had a gang bang with Mexicans and their horses - amirite, ladies?

I promise more rocks in salads.

And in closing, I say vote for Trump in 2020!

In a 6 minute video, Nancy has 23 brain glitches while giving a speech at the Office of Strategic Services. She's the perfect candidate to lead both political parties; old, frail, and failing.

Who's more unstable: Pelosi or the people who keep re-electing her?

On the other hand, she's a goldmine of material.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

• best headline of the week: "Inked EVERYTHING at body art convention" Wait - are you trying to tell me that people.. have tattoos... at a tattoo convention? Wow - who could've seen that coming?

On hiatus from packing to leave the country after Trump was elected, Barbara Streisand said she was never sexually harassed and joked it might be because of her looks. Of course I'm kidding. It was her personality.

• In England, a man kicked out of a club took revenge by ramming his Suzuki  into the club. Lives were saved when the Suzuki crashed into the front window of the club and immediately collapsed into a small plastic ball. Police escorted him away but declined to charge him, saying that the way people in the club laughed at his little thing was punishment enough.

Over in Kabul, parents named their child Donald Trump, hoping that he would be as successful as his namesake. This is not going over well for some reason. Some Faceyspaces users have issued death threats, forcing the parents to close their account.  I say anything that causes people to close Faceyspace accounts is a good thing, even death threats.

This poor child has no idea what awaits him as he meets other children. Other youngsters who had a rough childhood are Leslie Neilsen, Marion Morrison (who couldn't take it and eventually changed his name to John Wayne), and Bernie Schwartz, who changed his name to Tony Curtis, to make himself sound less Italian.

• What flavor are white jellybeans?
• speaking of which, I'm a huge fan of Jelly Belly cinnamon and hot cinnamon. It's been a while since I consumed an entire pound of them, so I went to Amazon, where everything's cheaper. A pound of frickin' Jelly Bellys runs $9-12. Sometime in the near future, people will abandon hard currency and bitcoins, trading instead in Jelly Bellys. The government will announce a War on Jelly Bellys. Every airport will contain Jelly Belly detecting dogs and air ionizer testing machines. China will start counterfeiting Jelly Bellys, some better than real ones. TSA agents will be retrained to check all possible hiding places for Jelly Bellys. You will be prohibited from carrying more than 3oz of Jelly Bellys on the plane. Shoe and crotch bombs will no longer be searched for, along with guns. Huge ships and little cigarette boats will be stopped. Illegal aliens will be pushed to the side, as customs agents swarm the boats, in search of the sugary little devils. Women will purchase $1,200 Coach bags, with a small, undetectable pouch for their Jelly Bellys. The underground trade in Jelly Bellys will far surpass all narcotics combined. Children with dead eyes will wander the streets, asking people, "hey man - got any Bellys?" The stock market will have trillions in activity on Belly futures.
• what's that thing between Unfinished Idea and Beating a Dead Horse? Oh yeah - Just Enough. Can somebody explain that to me?

A gorilla at the Philadelphia Zoo has been walking around on two legs when carrying something. Keepers say he doesn't like to get his paws dirty. He even avoids mud.

It's not bad enough that our chemicals are turning frogs gay, growth hormone from cows is getting into our bodies, and there's Prozac in the water... now we have OCD gorillas. When he's not out gathering food, he's washing his paws.

* My mom said that when I was little, I came in and washed my hands every time they got dirty. My wife says I need to get out of the house and get my hands dirty. You cannot please women.

Upside Down World

• A Democratic congressman from Long Island implied that Americans should grab weapons and oppose President Trump by force, if the commander-in-chief doesn’t follow the Constitution.
• Rep. Tom Suozzi made the remark to constituents at a town hall last week, saying that folks opposed to Trump might resort to the “Second Amendment.” This guy essentially threatened a sitting president. Oddly enough, that's one of the things the Second is for.
• This is the party that wants the Second Amendment destroyed. That doesn't want you to have guns. In unrelated news, republicans are urging women to have abortions if democrats don't pass anti-abortion legislation.

The pope condemned prostitution as torture and asked for forgiveness for the men who patronize them.
 -- no word on child molestation.

• The Austin Bomber done blowed himself up, as police got close. It was rather considerate of him. He saved the city a lot of money in court costs
• The police believe he is responsible for all the Austin bombings. This is slightly different than the previous evening, when the explosion at Goodwill was not related to the bombings at all.
• The police accessed the bomber's Google search history and discovered that he was looking up other Austin addresses. This proves the need to use duckduckgo.com, which doesn't track you, plus set your browser to forget everything you do, or browse in private mode.
• President Trump tweeted "AUSTIN BOMBING SUSPECT IT DEAD. Great job by law enforcement and all concerned!"
• Twitter and Reddit exploded with the news that the president tweeted in all caps and condemned him as stupid and a dumb motherfucker.

A woman in Spain died from an allergic reaction to bee stings. While this isn't a rare phenomenon, she died during a live bee acupuncture procedure, where bee stings are used instead of needles. If the procedure hadn't worked, doctors were going to attempt the live elephant trampling procedure, which uses elephants instead of running the patient over with a car.

California's Stupid Backfires

• One day after Orange County, California, supervisors voted to spend more than $70 million to house the homeless, residents in three rich cities expressed alarm about a proposal to set up "camp" shelters in their communities.
• People in the communities are apoplectic. They're crying NIMBY! (not in my back yard).
• Some homeless are currently in hotels. Since we haven't been able to afford a vacation since the Iraq War, we're flying to Orange County next week, and claiming to be homeless. We will demand a nicer hotel, in a better neighborhood. One with a view. Close to the beach.
• To date, California has provided 80% of the country's GDP (Goofy Domestic Product, which measures the ridiculous and humors news).

Axe-throwing is gaining popularity. People are flocking to New Jersey to throw axes. They are going back home at record rates, when they discover that you have to throw the axe at a wood target.

• New York City, in a desperate bid to out-stupid California, has proposed a bill that would disallow smoking while walking. This is the same city that protected people from the scourge of soda by banning containers over 24oz.
• Next week, New York City will solve their burdensome traffic issue by banning cars.

In a desperate bid to out-stupid his entire party, Joe Biden said he would have 'beat the hell out' of Trump in high school. Trump really brings out the humanity in people.

• The bad news: there's a box that unlocks up to date iPhones.
• The really bad news: local police are buying them.
• not that we have much of a Fourth Amendment as it is....

After the Faceyspaces debacle, if you're silly enough to remain connected, here are a few ways to protect the micron of information you have left.

And while we're on the subject, a fellow downloaded the data Faceyspaces has on him. There were two years' worth of phone call metadata from his Android phone, including names, phone numbers and the length of each call made or received. Is this ok with you? This is just the beginning.

• According to Bloomberg, the music business is seeing its fastest growth in more than 20 years.  Don't encourage them.

The Wall Street Journal informs us that the demand for American sperm is skyrocketing in Brazil.  Wealthy single women and lesbian couples are the big buyers.  I've seen quite a few Brazilian women and I'd fly there to donate personally.

• Video of the Las Vegas shooter has emerged. Six months after the tragic event. It doesn't take six months to edit video. Within a few days, the Austin bomber was identified and dead. This pattern repeats, almost unfailingly. 
• I have no idea what anyone's up to, but it doesn't take a seasoned detective to notice something's off. Where there's smoke...

Political [yuck]

I hate to get more political than the small bits I put in the regular old blog entries (who are we kidding here - I kinda enjoy it but am afraid it will put readers off). Remember that I'm a libertarian, so I try to present this without bias. Well, I will admit to hating Hillary and everything she stands for but am trying to be fair on all sides.

The presidential debates are upon us, which all but the most politics-resistant humans (and dogs) have realized. Cats don't care either way. The first debate was shaky, the second was carried away by the Trump, often referred to as the Cheeto, the Trumpster, Make America Great and several other names that I won't bother to type.The Hillary (also known as the Criminal and the Saint) campaign is in a bit of a panic, which is very interesting.

The debates have been largely Content Free, with insults and blame being the order of the evening. I hear that they have been the most contentious ever. I refuse to watch them, as they're simply two people lying (they won't allow third parties in the debates) or massive finger-pointing. And let's face it, all a third party candidate has to do is stand there quietly and politely and become the Voice of Reason and they're in. Would you want that if you were one of the major parties?

It has become apparent that the press is squarely in Hillary's corner. They tend to misrepresent Trump's statements to make him look bad. In some circles, CNN is known as the Clinton News Network. They have been caught admitting their bias. MSNBC has been referred to as a Democratic Propaganda wing. There have been times where many outlets have used the same wordings for an event, as if they got their talking points from somewhere (I'll leave it to you to name it).

The Wikileaks documents have provided an important insight into the workings of Hillary's campaign, as well as the DNC itself. I urge you to check them out if you haven't already. Have no illusions that if there were a hack of the RNC, it would look largely the same.

I have said before that this election is historic in that one of the candidates is not owned by the Powers That Be (PTB). Guess which one.  Many maintain that the press is owned by Hillary but if you think about it for a second, Hillary is a bit of a puppet: all major news outlets are owned by six families, who control everything you see, hear, and read. This is why it's important to get your news from a number of sources, not including mainstream media (MSM). It's not Hillary - it's the PTB who are in a Petulant Frenzy over the candidate they don't own. Donald is a very serious threat to their power and the Dirty Tricks Squad is out in full operation, to an extent that dwarfs elections in the past. I feel for the man's life to some degree... look what happened to the Kennedys, who went against the PTB Plans<tm>.

Trump has a really solid base, which seems to feel that he will Make America Great Again (MAGA). It is theorized that many more people are voting Trump but are afraid to say anything for fear of retribution or having to listen to their friends' expressions of horror. As for MAGA, the people are borderline hypnotized and actually believe this. Let's face it, there is no human that will get into office that can MAGA. None at all.

As if Trump's supporters weren't weird enough, the Hillary people (lovingly referred to as Hillbots) are obviously the same people who elected Obama (hope and change). Twice. The Kool Aid is strong with these folks (not 100% of them, of course.. some are just terrified of Trump). Anyone with operating brain cells knows that installing an email server of your own for classified information is not only illegal, it's downright dangerous for the country, in that it can get hacked (which it did, by the Russians and Chinese, for which there's proof). The main reason for the server was to avoid Freedom of Information requests. The other reason was convenience. If one of us peons did this, even at your place of business, it's a fireable (and jailable) offense. The FBI declined to prosecute, probably due to collusion (and Comey's fear for his life). Because there was no prosecution, her followers claim she's perfectly innocent and will hear nothing else.

Hillary's health is another serious issue. It is a matter of record that she sustained head trauma. This was apparently so serious that she could not remember certain things she was questioned about by the FBI. She has collapsed and had tremors indicative of a neurological problem, possibly Parkinson's. All recent medical issues have been taken care of by private physicians, who are exempt from disclosure. There is even a medical technician/physician that is always by her side and carries some sort of rapid injection pen at all times. You'll pick him out as a large, imposing African American man, sometimes closer to her than her own Secret Service detail. When Hillary collapsed and had to be helped into a van, half of the team helped her, in what appeared to be practiced fashion, while the Secret Service got into a formation that blocked any view to what was happening. This is a pretty large concern for someone who would be president. It is also poo-pooed by the Hillbots. If Hillary had a seizure during a press conference, the followers would insist she was dancing.

I have one question for you: Do you want either of these people running the country?
I will not presume to tell you for whom to vote... I just want you to notice what's going on and make the best choice for the country and yourself.

==================================================

We All Love Microsoft

It's been a great week for everyone's favorite operating system, Microsoft, as word reached us that the safe, secure loading key, that protects from other operating systems or malware being loaded, has been leaked. Ooh, the security!

As if that weren't possibly the most fun one can have, it appears that the latest Windows 10 update will break your video camera's functionality. Windows decided that they were going to operate a certain way and expects the cameras to know this. Test often.

• Not that I need to remind you, but it's National Waffle Day.  This now frees us to anticipate National Belly Button Lint Day. Hold onto your hats people....

Ryan Lochte should be disqualified, not for making up a robbery but for not making up something interesting.

• A man at a gay nightclub in Sydney allegedly added hydrochloric acid to a lubrication dispenser. Fortunately he was caught by security guards. Hmmm... lube..... at a gay nightclub. Doesn't anybody fuck at home or in cars anymore? And can't they bring their own accessories?

The Weiner Limps Away: to the obvious surprise of the world, Anthony Weiner got caught sexting again. His wife, Huma, Hillary's Girl and alleged Muslim, finally did the right thing and cut him off, as it were. They're separating. Poor Anthony will never get to see the Oral Office.

• Some commercial versions of granola are loaded with enough sugar to rival a slice of chocolate cake. So why not just avoid the misery and eat the cake?

We bid a fond farewell to Gene Wilder (83). 

Gene, if you got up there for the same reasons I do, you more than succeeded.

• While Gary Johnson advances in the polls, I'm kinda disappointed in Donald Trump. I figured he could afford to go nuclear on Hillary. Unfortunately, he's been somewhat tame.

With the University of Texas allowing concealed carry on campus, protestors are combating with sex toys. I love a good sex toy, but if there's a shooter, I think a gun would be the safer choice.  You?

• Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) was nearly shut down the other day due to fears of gunshots. There were no gunshots but police did question a man dressed as Zorro. Of course they did. The last Airport Panic was caused by balloons bursting.  Perfect fodder for Security Theater.

500 cows were stolen from a dairy farm in New Zealand.

How do you suppose this was accomplished? And how did they hide 500 cows? Were they taken in Flight MH370?

• I just saw an article about the benefits of being friends with Hillary Clinton. They forgot to list "not winding up dead under suspicious circumstances."

No bigger a celebrity than Barbara Streisand said she'd leave the country if Trump gets elected. The problem here is that nobody will hold Barbara and the other celebrities accountable for their promises. Perhaps if Trump wins, he could volunteer his personal 757 to get these folks to the destination of their choice.

• Because things were getting boring, our appliances are staging a revolt. The wife is suspicious of the fridge, which is still keeping things cold, thankfully. Obviously in sympathy, the washer declined to drain. Thankfully, the internet is full of tutorials and suggestions on how to fix the problem. It is one of three things - two of them are simple, the third task goes on for hours. Guess which one needs to be undertaken. Guess.
• In circumstances you're not gonna believe, there's an unused washer/dryer combo already in the house. Apparently hooking it up is the least of my problems. Operating it seems to take some sort of an advanced college degree in either astrophysics or string theory. The wife, who seems to be operating under the delusion that we're In The Money, is already concerned that the device is inoperable by normal humans and wants a new, stupid washer.
• Have you priced washers lately? They have lagged behind, only slowly, cell phones. They started as plain old washers, then got 'smart', then became front-loading; in the process, causing the price to skyrocket. While my mother wanted nothing more than a dumb phone, my wife wants a dumb washer (as distinguished from a dumbwaiter, which we get whenever we go out). During a recent Costco trip (where you go in for napkins and $350 later, walk out with tires and a lifetime supply of fiber bars), we could not locate a dumb washer. We did, however, spot several washers with IQs at least double ours, with prices starting at $1200. At the risk of sounding like an Old Pharte, dumb washers used to cost a few hundred dollars and run forever.
• So now I gotta teleport the washer combo into its rightful spot, somehow teleport the broken device to its Final Resting Place, and figger out how to connect the beast to whatever it gets connected to (hoping to avoid an entire blog post describing this effort). What I know about washers could fill the space occupied by Kim Kardashian's brain.

While the loudest voice in the building at work chats with my deaf, loud next-door neighbor for an hour, I find myself nostalgic for the guy who spent the entire day surfing for sneakers.

Feel the Johnson

About 200 million Yahoo account credentials were just dumped online. While there is no indication if the theft is fresh, it won't hurt you to change your password. One of my friends got hacked last week.

In fact, it wouldn't hurt you to change any or all of your passwords. Make them secure. If you're not sure what secure is, do a little searching online with your favorite search engine. I use duckduckgo.com, which doesn't track you.

• I don't wanna say I work with some interesting old folks, but the guys in the next cubicle are discussing the need for sheetrock and the fact that one of them had a half sheet that he just threw out. No, wait, he gave it to his son. Then he proceeded to describe it. It's been a year and a half and I still don't understand this place.

More earth-shattering (stupid) news: our friends over at Apple have changed their handgun emoji to a green water-pistol. Hopefully they will not reproduce. Next up: Apple changes phone shape to round, so you can't 'point' it at anyone.

• I think I'm experiencing Political Burnout. Or General Burnout - I can never tell.

ISIS has threatened the Olympics. In Portuguese. Unfortunately the Google Translate results came out like this: "Your mother is a dumptruck. We fuck goats. We will masturbate in stadiums, to images of pork and pork products."

Just in case they're serious, some of the Olympic sports have been 'adjusted':

* The 100 yard run from explosions

* Throw the javelin at the terrorist

* The itsy bitsy, teenie weenie, yellow polka dot pork bikini pageant for women and men

* The 50 foot dive while keeping your AK47 dry

• The World Health Organization has endorsed a 42 second hand-washing method. Compulsive hand-washers all over the planet rejoice.

Non-political message: Trump called Hillary the devil.

Please put your own punchline in a comment. The winning entry will be included in the next post. There will be no monetary compensation but maybe I can manage a candy bar. Probably not.

• A Dutch man waiting for an online girlfriend to show up, spent 10 days in a Chinese airport. Between the 2 of us, I don't think she's coming, Dude.

I know it's early, but can we have a remake of "Suicide Squad" starring Congress?

• This is Bachelor Week at ThermionicEmissions, as Mrs leftystrat is off tending to two sick parents. Rest easy - Marshall and I are ok, except for figuring out how to hide the hookers and blow Marshall ordered while I was at work. The wife is likely to notice the charge on the credit card.
• The Good Neighbor is concerned, as Marshall has spent less time outside, commanding her to bring him food. Speaking of which, he was so hungry the other day, he ate his own food.
• Marshall also turns up his snout at tap water. We have to put it in a spring water bottle and refrigerate it until cold. My relatives went to Disney and brought him back a water bowl that is very difficult to tip over, as he does when it's empty. At least he has something to occupy his creative side. Meanwhile, I take the water bottle out of the fridge and announce "Special Spaniel Water." He runs to his bowl and drinks the water as I pour it from 3 feet up. After he's done drinking, he paws the water out onto the floor. Nobody knows why.
• Are you getting the picture of life in my house yet?

Donald Trump made few friends the other day, when he kicked a baby out of a Virginia rally. I don't know why people are upset: when I go to a restaurant or on a plane, I always ask for the No Screaming Baby section.

• An Australian woman just became a mother at age 63. Has this possibly gone too far? Who does she think she is - Mick Jagger?

A lawsuit has been filed against the makers of Pokemon Go over players trespassing on private property. Unfortunately, you still can't sue for stupidity.

• A leading Irish Archbishop has said he will stop sending his trainee priests to study in the country’s main Catholic college due to allegations of a “gay culture.”  Still no word on the "pedophile culture".

It has already been established that California is the Land of Fruits and Nuts but the Hollywood Set is particularly affected. The following was heard at the DNC:

"Our president is brilliant" - John Legend
"I Love You, Barack Obama" - Alyssa Milano
"I don't expect to feel as proud of a president in my lifetime as I feel about Obama" - Michael Ian Black

They appear to be living in a different universe.

Get the hell out of here before you get me SHOT

Muppet Paws Strikes Again

An Ikea museum has opened in Sweden, celebrating the firm's history. Next month, K-Mart is opening a similar museum. In a restroom somewhere in Detroit.

• Been thinking of a new pet for Marshall. The idea of a sloth is interesting. Even if you go to sleep for the night, he'll only get ten feet total from the bed.

During a planned active shooter drill at Andrews Joint Base, an real life active shooter alert was called. The base reported it. The press reported it. The Secretary of Defense reported it. And hour later, the alert was called off, stating it was a planned active shooter drill. Because the base, the press and the Secretary of Defense don't know and can't tell the difference. Nothing to see here - move along.

• According to a Baltimore professor, white people need to give all their money to black people. You can't even write parody as good as real life anymore.

Although we know that Faceyspaces is inherently evil, statistics dictate that some of the people here use it. I won't call you out by name (because I don't know it) but I'd like to share with you this guide to FB security settings.

• Over 100 women posed naked against Trump in front of the Republican National Convention. This is a short-term goal for me that's close to my heart.
• Speaking of the RNC, as we'd expect, it started with a prayer. Yeah, separation at its finest. Also, one of the featured speakers is from Duck Dynasty. That's putting your best foot forward, guys.

Did you know that your plane cannot take off until they're sure the coffee maker works?
I suspect they fear armed insurrection if it doesn't.

• I was told a long time ago that guitar players got all the girls. And I hear that women love a sense of humor. I should be doing better than Leo DiCaprio at this point...

A man shot at two teens playing Pokemon, mistaking them for intruders. I say he didn't mistake them, which makes it a service to the neighborhood.

• In the oasis of Afghanistan, a pregnant fourteen year old girl was burned to death in an 'honor killing'.  What other religion has these advantages... you can impregnate an underage girl then kill her for having sex and being pregnant?

Exercise, they said...the doc told me it would be a good idea. So I bought a stepper, assembled it with a lot of screaming, and proceeded to go against everything I stood for. It was horrible.

Back at the doctor's, he asked how it was coming. I told him exactly how it was going: I got on the stepper and watched every second go by, calculating how long it would take til I could stop. The doctor, bless his soul, said that if exercise caused me this kind of grief, I shouldn't do it.

I now have Doctor's Advice not to exercise. My life is complete.

Go outside, they said.. feeling brave, I took the dog out back. Smelling the air, post heatwave, I looked around at my back yard (that I hate because I have to mow it). There sure were a lot of trees that I didn't know existed. They provided needed shade. I began to think that maybe I could spend a few minutes out there, maybe with a laptop (there's no helping me). 

Feeling positive, we went back inside, to the air conditioning... where I noticed the itching, where several bugs bit my legs. Up and down. 

Now I need a doctor's note to keep me inside, on my glorious couch.  

The Great Unveiling

FBI's James Comey: "While Hillary's actions clearly rise to the level of prosection, I decline to do so. The example of Vince Foster looms large to anyone who would try."

I am not a Conspiracy Theorist, I'm a futurist.
Once again I am forced to repeat this. If, after the FBI non-Prosecution Fiasco, you have any doubts that the fix is in, you might need to seek professional help. After all the woman said and did, she has been protected by the Powers That Be (PTB). The veil is off and it should be painfully apparent that laws are for you and they don't apply to Them. Too big to jail,

They're terrified of Trump because he's not owned, so all the stops are being pulled out for Hillary.
Just in case you think justice is still imminent, they own the voting machines too.

I'm still voting for Gary Johnson, whose poll numbers keep rising, for obvious reasons.

• Philly Strikes Again: Transit officials found cracks in more than a hundred new rail cars, pulling them out of service only weeks before the Democratic National Convention. Some of the ancient cars aren't stopping at farther stations because they're full. People are having trouble getting around. In some cases, there are 30 minutes between trains during rush hours.
• Meanwhile, the mayor wants illegal aliens to be free to roam in his sanctuary city.

A New Zealand couple found a human head on a beach in Fiji. Come to Fiji - where you're sure to get a-head.

• The 20 year old Briton who tried to grab a policeman's gun and assassinate Donald Trump has denied the charges. He didn't mean to assassinate Donald, he just wanted to look at the policeman's shiny new gun and shoot it where Donald was standing. Since there was no clear intent, the FBI's James Coney has declined to prosecute him.

In another move for common sense, the next Iron Man will be a 15 year old female. I guess the Iron Man suit will have to be redesigned to accommodate boobies.

• Some bright fella set a Google car on fire because he believed Google was watching him. Well, he was correct in his assessment but went a bit far in his actions. Turning off cookies would have been a better start.

In the past week, two Teslas have crashed while in Autopilot Mode. This would normally be an item of concern, but none of us here can afford one.

• The US House passed legislation prohibiting employees from viewing pron or explicit sites. Only the goons in the US need this law. Next up: a law to stop federal employees from killing their coworkers.

It's a Plane Shame

The TSA is firing its security chief. What does this mean? It means 99 more years of the TSA. They have successfully turned the narrative around from "why do we need the TSA?".

• Our hearts go out to the victims and families of EgyptAir MS804. May they return home soon. Unlike MH370, which still valiantly remains unfound.

Hawaii could become the first state to put gun owners on an FBI register.

And now it starts.

• Apparently Taylor Swift is a Nazi idol.  No, really.

Microsoft is helping to fight against terrorism. Unfortunately, Windows 10 is still being produced.

• Your tax dollars at work: Federal immigration authorities are building a separate unit for transgendered detainees in Alvarado, Texas. 

A man rubbed chili on his girlfriend's tampon to give her 'hot vagina'. 

How could I make this shit up?

• It must be that season again: when there are two bomb threats on airplanes in one day: George Bush Airport and LAX.

I have strenuously avoided political labels, preferring instead to allow behavior to speak for itself. But the DePaul stage-rushing and takeover and the violence outside the Trump rally in Albuquerque really indicts the left. Apparently free speech only exists when it's speech the left agrees with. Anything else justifies shutting down, sometimes with violence. Some of these miscreants threw bottles at police horses. And when the protesters are Black Lives Matter, justice will not be forthcoming. The right has its own problems but violence is not among them.

This is a perfect time to remind everyone that the republican/democrat division is a false one, designed to divide people and distract from larger issues. You're gonna get it either way. Vote second party. Gary Johnson (libertarian) is now polling at 10%. Don't vote for the lesser evil - vote FOR someone.

• In the interests of grammar and truth, I wish to point out to commentators that undocumented visitor is spelled i-l-l-e-g-a-l a-l-i-e-n. No amount of linguistic gymnastics will change it.

It is interesting to note that some world leaders are quite rattled by Donald Trump. You know you're doing a good job when you can piss off world leaders.

• It has been discovered that the US nuclear weapons force uses 1970s era computer systems. Ever hear of 8" floppies? Nuclear weapons, people.

Hey Hey We're All Monkeys

Here we are, in week Whatever of the presidential race and I will attempt to explain things to the best of my abilities.

We have:

• Three whould would like to implement a theocracy, including one whose introduction mentioned killing gays.
• One unindicted career criminal.
• One socialist.
• One demagogue, but at least he's not owned by anyone.

We libertarians don't look so crazy, do we?

Want to know how your candidate views cybersecurity? They don't. They're completely incapable of comprehending it. Judging from statements, they would all prefer that governmental agencies have access to your email, phone calls and location.

In Berlin, a car exploded, killing the driver and destroying the car. Police suspect a bomb.  Because cars explode all the time, right?

• Rock keyboard legend Keith Emerson (71) has gone to the great keyboard store in the sky. His death was ruled suicide (possibly due to the gunshot wound). We wish his sigficant other and family well. 
• Depression is a terrible thing: please don't let it go untreated. Sometimes we drink or do drugs to mask the pain... get some help. There are talk and medicinal therapies that help. There may be a community health center if you can't afford a private doc. You can also ask your primary physician.

For some reason I cannot explain, we have a four foot string of bells hanging on the front door. They might have come with the wife but this would have been over twenty years ago (I catch on quickly). The cat, having been 'strongly discouraged' from shredding the furniture when he wants to go out, now rings the bells. Not to be outdone, the dog bangs on his water dish when it needs to be filled. Once again, it's a bitch when your pets are smarter than you.

• People are getting Donald Trump tattoos. Do you think that, at any point in the future, they'll regret it?

A New Mexico man faces charges after chasing two women around a home with a chainsaw. I don't know what they're so upset about - it sounds like a normal evening around here...

• The entire Washington, DC Metro line has shut down for a day for inspection. Let's think critically:
• the system has never been shut down for any reason other than weather
• the mayor was not consulted
• not that anything moves in DC anyway but you don't shut down the entire public transportation system during the day, for a day
• couldn't the system be inspected in the evening, so as to inconvenience fewer commuters?
• I'm not saying aliens, but....
• On the other side, this inspection is to check for an electrical fault that has occurred twice recently.
•    --> When I read a headline like this, I prefer to stop, collect the facts, and hopefully arrive at a decision. It's my version of Critical Thinking. Taking all this into consideration, what do you think?

Meanwhile in Massachusetts, the police entered a bar with the intent of shutting it down, for whatever reason police shut down bars. The DJ must have slipped and played 'F*ck the Police', by N.W.A.(Ninnies Wearing Aardvarks?). As a result, said DJ was charged with disorderly conduct for trying to incite a riot. I suspect this one won't hold up in court, if contested.  In other news, Donald Trump says there will be hell to pay if he isn't elected.

• Last week I took my lunch out of the fridge to take to work, reminding myself that I needed some barbecue sauce. At work, I discovered that I had forgotten the sauce (like you haven't done the same thing). As I took my first bite, the container jumped up in the air and promptly deposited my entire lunch on the floor under my desk. I'm very efficient, so it hit my desk, the floor, and my pants. It turns out peas can roll over six feet in any direction, and that's before falling. Now I have sauce down my pants leg (think Velveeta color) and I'll be picking up peas for the next week.
• I've been under my desk and there are several undiscovered species living there, so the five second rule didn't apply. In the end, all worked out well.. I didn't want to eat it without sauce and I didn't have to. Now shut up and go with that logic because if I think about it any more, I'll be very upset. And hungry.

A recent study finds that Seasonal Affective Disorder does not exist. People who have Seasonal Affective Disorder are reportedly quite confused. In other news, there is no such thing as bipolar disorder - people are just moody.

• A man charged with killing six people in Kalamazoo, MI, says that the Uber app took control of his mind. On the positive side, for $8.95 per mile, he'll shoot the people of your choice too.

After last week's $1,300 Prescription Fiasco, I received a call from my employer. They wanted to know if they could help somehow. Class act, folks.

Sanpellegrino Grapefruit - the Editorial Issue

No, seriously. Sanpellegrino makes sparkling water and some really tasty flavored sparkling water. I am not particularly fond of grapefruit but when I tasted this, I was eating a grapefruit.  Unfortunately I get nothing for mentioning/endorsing this.


If you're planning to go to the Superbowl, you're going to get surveilled so closely that you'll feel like you're getting a colonoscopy.  Security Theater strikes again!  It's for the children.

• A child was kicked out of grade school because of his DNA. Really. Because of some health issues at birth, he had a DNA scan, which revealed the possibility of Cystic Fibrosis. The parents disclosed this to the school on the entrance form. Now the child has been bounced from school because of the potential illness, which would require him to be kept away from all sources of infection. Mind you, the child does not have Cystic Fibrosis. This is the opening shot of Genetic Discrimination. If you've had a DNA scan, you had better find a way to hide it. If your boss finds out you have a genetic disposition to alcoholism, you're outta there. Depression? Bye! 

In case the FDA approves it, you'll want to know that there are now vaginal marijuana suppositories for period pain relief. My mind boggles at the concept of getting a secondary high.

• Don't you hate it when this happens? Author Whitley Strieber was having some landscaping done when the entire crew quit and walked off. The foreman explained that "one of those aliens walked across your driveway." Even stranger, the crew would accept no money.

Hillary Duff's divorce was just finalized. I'm just warning my wife in case she starts calling again. The Vanessa Hudgens situation really got out of hand.

• Thank all that is holy - there will be a Fast and Furious 9 AND 10!

Hundreds of Missippi citizens received jury summons with instructions to call a sex hotline. I'll bet they never have trouble finding jurors.

• A cleaning lady in Mannheim confused an art installation with garbage and threw it in the trash. It's a fine line. You'd probably do it too.

The IRS had to shut down the E-File system due to a 'hardware failure'.  Libertarians: not even in office and already fulfilling their promises.



TECH CORNER

If you haven't been paying attention or slipped and used the Microsoft Edge browser, know that the InPrivate Mode isn't private. You don't even have to understand why... if you use inPrivate mode for privacy, USE ANOTHER BROWSER.

If you use Comodo browser, stop. It poses a security threat.

If you use Malwarebytes antivirus, it can take 3-4 weeks to fix flaws. Malwarebytes' free malware buster is not mentioned. I highly recommend it for weekly scans and getting rid of stubborn malware (on Windows machines).

If you purchased a Microsoft Surface Pro tablet, Surface Pro 2 or 3, your AC power cord is being recalled. Some small nuisance over fire and electrical shock.

Six ways linux is more welcoming than Windows for newcomers.

DO NOT PISS OFF THE INTERNET

Unless you've been hiding under a rock, you have seen the video of the Indian doctor abusing an Uber driver. She was placed on leave by the hospital where she works. But that's nothing compared to the figurative beating she has gotten for pissing off the internet. As the video went viral, people emailed her with all sorts of nasty suggestions, including 'strongly encouraging' suicide. As if this weren't enough, someone found her address and leaked it to the net, prompting people to send her things, including a package containing curry and a hijab. People left notes on her car. Others located the Florida Board of Medicine phone number and suggested people call to complain.

Granted, her behavior was reprehensible. No one should be treated like that, especially poor people providing a service. This was clearly a breach of personal responsibility. The internet has made her life a living hell, in spite of tearful apologies and what appears to be genuine remorse. Fear is probably a component too. That said, this has nothing to do with her medical abilities or practice. 

The internet has shown how ugly it can and will get. The power of incredible amounts of people with varied skills cannot be underestimated but they should probably self-moderate.

ThermionicEmissions would not be ThermionicEmissions if I didn't mention that someone dug up personal pics of her and she looks quite nice in a bikini.

THE TRUMP CARD

I would not presume to tell you how to vote (have I mentioned that Governor Gary Johnson is running on the Libertarian ticket?)  and that is all. You probably know who has my vote (have I mentioned that Governor Gary Johnson is running on the Libertarian ticket?) and I want to officially state that I would not vote for Donald Trump. However, no one could deny his effect on this election.  People, well, the ones who are awake, are pissed. The Donald tells them what they want to hear and a vote for him is a legitimate protest vote. In addition, no one owns Trump, which is a downright lovely thing; he's an outsider. [NOTE: I am not coming down on anyone who votes for him. I just find some of his positions to be dictator-like.]

If you've seen, read, or listened to anything approaching news, you know that Trump bowed out of the debate (offering to return at the last minute if Fox would donate $5 million to one of his charities). Trump has a problem with Megyn Kelly, at very least. 

Trump traded barbs with Kelly and Fox. Fox was grossly unprofessional in its responses. Megyn was one of the moderators of the debate and referred to Trump as an Elephant and other unprofessional hot air emissions. Is this a news outlet or a free-for-all?

ThermionicEmissions would not be Thermionic Emissions if I didn't mention that Kelly is a very attractive woman with long blond hair. She cut it for the debate and her looks vanished in a non-existent puff of smoke.

CRIMINAL

Here are a few words about Hillary Clinton.  Hillary is a lying, vicious career politician, defining hubris. Although the press and government departments desperately try to cover it up, her email situation should result in HILLARY FOR JAIL 2016. 

There is no question of above top secret emails. The Inspector General required a higher clearance just to read the emails to determine if classified information was on the server. Hillary changes her story every time new information comes out. None of this is a secret.

What is completely ignored is that every action after purchasing a server has been a serious security breach, if not downright illegal. If you or I got our work email diverted to a personal server in our bathroom, we would not be employed too much longer. Documents also show that the Russians had the server hacked within twenty minutes of it being powered up. Who knows about if or how far the Chinese got. Wouldn't you qualify a home server diverting above top secret email and effectively providing this information to other nations a pretty serious offense? The emails identify CIA-payrolled spies, whose lives are now in danger.

Lastly, the Top Secret Gov't Network is completely separated from the non-classified system, so someone had to open the classified emails and copy them to the non-classified system. BOOM-they knew. The rest is lies. Now all that remains is that her buddies in government let the indictment go through... uh-oh.

Mike Nesmith (The Monkees)-every day I come home to this - don't you?

Put Your House on the Internet - What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

In some regions of the Indian state of Maharashtra, second or third daughters are not given a name but are merely termed 'Nakusha', meaning 'unwanted'. No comment yet from Nakusha Clinton, Nakusha Kardashian, or Nakusha University of Missouri.

• Donald Trump met with black pastors, claiming 'great love' in meeting. What Donald forgot to mention was that the 'great love' was the love Donald feels for himself. The pastors looked around, in sheer disbelief.

In yet another Faceyspaces Fracas, it turns out that Phuc Dat Bich might not have been the real name of the person who got his page shut down multiple times.

Faceyspaces will be expanding parental leave for all employees. Provided the birth is live-streamed and all rights to the baby revert to Mark Zuckerberg.

• Hatred, a controversial violent video game, is coming to linux sometime soon. It opens with a Windows 10 screen and the goal is to eradicate it before your computer slows to a crawl and your head explodes.

Predatory ISIS wrings money from those it rules. It may be considered an 'import duty', not a bribe. If not paid, one can be arrested or have property destroyed. This is in addition to the normal ISIS practices of smuggling oil, plundering bank vaults and drumming up donations from wealthy supporters.  Wait.. are we still talking about ISIS?

• It was only a matter of time: Your Christmas tree lights may be slowing your wifi. Or that's what Ofcom claims, offering an app to check.  In other news, your doorbell is impacting your oven temperature.

Brain scans have proven that there is no such thing as a male or female brain. It's just that a man's Central Processing Unit is centrally located.

• You might want to run your computers, tablets, and related accessories during a blackout. Here are tips on how to select an Uninterruptible Power Supply (UPS - as differentiated from UPS: America's largest, brown-suited basketball team).

RELEVANT: The blind woman with multiple personalities who switched personalities and could see. Fascinating read and oh so true.

• This dog walked two hundred miles to get back to his rescuer. Get out your tissues. Look at this woman's eyes.
• While we're on the subject, a pit bull stayed by her owner's side after a house fire in Maryland. Ironically it's illegal to own a pit bull in that particular county. They are appealing.

NOT THAT IT'S RELEVANT HERE: but San Francisco police are getting breathalyzers that detect marijuana.

Speaking of which, according to an actual scientific study (not performed behind the convenience store with a few buddies), pot is said to ''cause psychosis-like effects in healthy people that's similar to schizophrenia'. It's been an awful long time (high school?) since I inhaled but I don't remember a single psychosis-like effect. Perhaps some of you 'know someone' who smokes and can comment on this finding.

• BEST HEADLINE OF THE MONTH:  G-string wearing homeless ex-lawyer high on crystal meth and crack cocaine mistakes woman and kids for giant panda

Authorities are seeing cases of a rare disease called tularemia, also known as Rabbit Fever. Symptoms include fever, a white tail, and huge pointy teeth. Meanwhile, University of Missouri leaves class and marches 'for the bunnies'.

• President Obama, in a rare Sunday address, said that "freedom is more powerful than fear," as he advocated another attack on the 2nd Amendment.

People are choosing gender-neutral pronouns. Instead of he/she, some wish to be referred to as they/them. These people sure came late to the party - Multiple Personality Disorder has been we and them for years!

• News You Need: The first penis transplant performed in the United States could happen in the next few months.

Novate, CA man did not know that on Thanksgiving, that he would soon be in a life-and-death battle with a crazed squirrel. An 87 year old man got bloodied, fight a squirrel that terrorized the neighborhood. Gimme yer nuts and no one gets hurt.

• SO this guy in the Bronx rents out his home as a club, where women strip and lick whipped cream off each other. Neighbors are outraged.... that they can't get in.

MUSIC MATTERS

Tommy Emmanuel will blow the top of your head off with this medley. Be careful.. I know from experience that brains are extremely difficult to remove from ceilings. Tommy needs no drummer. Or anybody else for that matter. He comes from Australia but please don't let that affect your impression.

While we're on that musical tangent, enjoy Michelle. The man's a virtuoso.

Tommy going Over the Rainbow.

And I'll close with the master, Jeff Beck, also Over the Rainbow. Look at the smile on his face as he ends....

I would have guessed Star Wars

Going for the Boobie Prize

Donald Trump has proposed a ban on Muslims entering the country. I propose a ban on politicians entering D.C. Let the Muslims clean up their own garbage.

• NICE GUY NEWS: a woman bit a TJ Maxx employee after stealing underwear. It has not been specified whether the woman or the employee stole the underwear.
• A naked 19 year old man's attempt to hijack a Federal Express truck was foiled when he could not figure out how to drive it.

Scientists have figured out how to create infertile mosquitos. It's an awful shame they haven't figured out how to create infertile Kardashians.

• James Comey, FBI Director, said the California shooters were radicalized 'for some time'. Funny, that didn't stop them, did it? Another chapter in Security Theater.

Flying Spaghetti Monster holiday cards are back!


Never let it be said that Philadelphia isn't a warm, welcoming place. Just the other night, some samaritan deposited a severed pig head at a mosque. He even went to the trouble of having it smoked. Also this week we had three students violently assault a high-school teacher. The city of brotherly love strikes again!

Philly's own mayor, Michael Nutter, wants to ban Donald Trump from Philly. When asked for comment, Philly said it wants to ban Michael Nutter from Philly.

• The latest digital threat? Distracted walkers. Distracted walkers veer off course by as much as 61 percent while texting, tweeting, reading and walking. And taking selfies, no doubt.

In Florida (of all places), a man was pulled over by state police for speeds of 100mph and DUI. While this is not out of the ordinary in Florida, it was 3pm and the driver was naked.

• Porn star James Deen, recently accused of three six eight nine ten rapes of fellow porn stars, is 'completely baffled by the allegations.' In addition, his company is being investigated by OSHA. Because they don't use condoms.

One of the biggest disappointments of the last 7 years, Obama aside, is Joe Biden. Before the elections, he was the Great White Hope of Silliness, taking every opportunity to shoot himself in the foot. Since the elections, he has been silent. A recently leaked memo from Edward Snowden shows that between the odd appearance, Joe is literally handcuffed to his chair. He's let out strictly for public relations and every other Tuesday, he's waterboarded by Dick Cheney.

• Dirty Dancing is going to be remade for television. Because, you know, we NEED this.

Meet Excel 2016!   No.

• The Vatican has announced 'irregularities' after $22,000 found in a desk. Thou shall not steal.

A sign in a South Carolina gun store says, "Want to piss off Obama? Buy a gun."

As it turns out, gun sales have taken off like mad during Obama's tenure. Here's a conspiracy theory for you: perhaps 'gun control' was invented by the NRA.

• The president has implemented 'emergency measures' as border surge overwhelms immigration officials. Hey - didn't you allow this in the first place?

So you want to watch some synchronized swimming, aka water ballet, but it's missing a certain oomph? What do you do? HINT: everything's better with Led Zeppelin. [Stairway warning]

• It's been a while since the Planned Parenthood shooter first appeared in court. Yesterday he erupted, causing his own lawyer to want to 'explore issues of competency'. I'm pro-life and I'll kill you to prove it.

Sailors repeatedly filmed women undressing on a sub. Does this mean the Village People weren't gay after all?

• Microsoft Edge has inhereted many of Internet Explorer's security flaws. Don't use it.

How to avoid the new Star Wars movie.

• A Polish priest and government supporters performed an exorcism on a newspaper to purge the 'lies of the media'.  You know, Father.. Polish jokes don't just appear out of the blue.

A MODICUM OF MUSIC

Today is the Day of Cray. Robert Cray, that is. Robert is, as you'd expect, a fine guitar player, singer, and writer. You can see him playing the part of a bass player in Animal House. What's not to like?

One of his biggest hits is Smokin' Gun. Great, fun guitar playing and soulful singing. Surprise ending. An almost humorous lead. My late Bad Band used to murder this song but in spite of that, people always enjoyed it.

Nothin' But a Woman is cool riff-based song. Listen and enjoy. Plus, how can you not enjoy a line like 'tell me a boatful of lawyers just sank'?

The Forecast (Calls for Pain) has hit written all over it. Catchy riff, strong emotion, approachable theme. And some cool playing.

Lemon Curry?

Japan releases dog poo app.  I just like saying dog poo app.

• The decision to award the Nobel Peace Prize to US President Barack Obama in 2009 failed to live up to expectations, the committee's ex-secretary has said. Their awards to Iran and Mussolini also failed somewhat.

The internet is positively abuzz with news of a Faceyspaces Dislike button. Hit it! We dislike Faceyspaces!

• We all know how I feel about the president. However, he pulled one on the pope that has me howling: he invited a transvestite, a pro-abortion nun and a pair of gay bishops to the White House when the pope visits. This was described as a stunning show of political indecorum. More indecorum in the White House, I say!

Have humans made dogs stupid? I had no idea it was catching. Are they watching reality tv now?

• Snake with no mate gives birth for second time. Uh-oh... a second virgin birth, the pope visiting, and Microsoft has developed its own linux.......IT'S THE END TIMES!!!!

I have a friend who somehow became afflicted with children. While visiting one day, I noticed something really odd (in spite of my complete lack of child-rearing skills): Mom would tell one of the children to go to the bathroom, almost out of the blue.

About fifteen years down the line, when she's caught and the inevitable interviews with the neighbors all reveal what a nice child she was, the psychologists hired by the court will trace the whole nightmare back to Mom making her go to the bathroom on command. Books will be written. CSI will do an episode on it.

Speaking of which, did you ever see the neighbors say that it was only a matter of time? They could tell something was going to happen - he was just that kind of child. They're suprised it wasn't worse. THAT's the kind of news we need to see on tv.

• Vladimir Putin will be meeting Elton John for a chat about LGBT rights. And Ted Nugent, for a talk on the proper way to prepare bear.

"If the Government were placed in charge of the Sahara Desert, they would run out of sand in 5 years"
- Milton Friedman

• A Guantanamo Bay detainee has an online dating profile. "Detained but ready to mingle". Their first date will be da bomb!

A DFW Whataburger (former) employee refused to serve police the other day. #policestomachsmatter 

• [sigh] Donald Trump, our only hope for genuine White House hilarity, fashion plate and inveterate dog-fluffer, pledged a huge military buildup and better healthcare for veterans. Oh well, the man whose slogan is 'I couldn't be any worse' is now promising things and not specifying how he'd pay for them. Yes, The Donald is now officially a politician.
• Speaking of buffoons, Jeb Bush says people need to stop demonizing the NSA.

Every few weeks at work, some nice person comes along and dusts my cubicle. The other day I was privileged to observe this ritual: she proceeds to dust all of the bookshelves, which has the effect of relocating all of the dust to my desktop. This is cleaning efficiency at its finest. The Cleaning Union is hiring someone to push all of the dust from the desktop to the floor. Next year's contract includes provisions for a vacuuming expert.

• Being a British Isil jihadist isn't all glamour and brides.... this guy laments the hygiene, shoe theft and lining-up behavior of his fellow jihadists from other countries. Maybe the key to destroying Isil is to let them destroy themselves from within.

Chipzilla has produced a sports bra which opens vents when it senses a certain level of heat and sweat. Millions of men are now practicing their hacking skills.

• Federal air marshals under investigation for filming sex with a prostitute while on duty.  Provided your hijacker is having sex with the marshal, everything is under control. Don't you feel safer already?

Paxil, the antidepressant, is deemed unsafe for young people after reanalysis. The manufacturer said it was safe for young people. What they meant to say was that it was NOT safe for young people. They apologize.

• PC POLICE ATTACK!
• University seeks to ban expressions of intolerance
• Comics don't want to play colleges anymore
• Devo member apologizes for 9-11 themed wedding, box cutter favors
• Robot ethicist launches campaign against sex robots, saying such products demean women and reinforce stereotypes. In unrelated news, robot ethicist's house TP'd and raided by SWAT. Accounts hacked and credit card has charges from religious beastiality midget porn sites.

SELFIE NEWS: A Japanese tourist died at the Taj Mahal after slipping down a staircase. He had been taking a selfie. Another senseless selfie-related death.



MUSICAL MENTIONINGS:

The Reverend Billy F Gibbons (ZZ Top) is about to release a solo album. In the meantime, he's up to his old tricks in the video for Treat Her Right.

John Hiatt is a songwriter who doesn't get his due. He wrote Have a Little Faith in Me (Joe Cocker, others), Memphis in the Meantime (Gregg Allmann), Thing Called Love (Bonnie Raitt), and Angel Eyes (Jeff Healey), among many others. You may not have heard him perform them but his style is original.  He also has a great sense of humor, not a standard feature in too many people from Indianapolis. He recently toured with another ThermionicEmissions favorite, Lyle Lovett.

My brother turned me onto John, the first song being Little Head. Let's just say it's a variation on the theme of of men's central processing units being centrally located. Another song that sits in my phone's mp3 directory is Cry Love. It has no guitar solo and I have no idea what it's about (making me a perfect American consumer).

Speaking of Thing Called Love, here's a Bonnie Raitt live version, complete with John. And nothing would be complete without a complete diversion, via Bonnie Raitt and Emmylou Harris singing backup on Little Feat's live version of Dixie Chicken, complete with RIP Feat members Lowell George and Richie Hayward.

Fred and Paul from Little Feat - Keswick Theater - 9/11/15

The Presidential Clown Car

There are so many people running for president that ThermionicEmissions put together a brief comparison of the major candidates so you don't have to. I'm sure this matrix will allow you to make a more informed choice for next person to occupy the White House. Another public service from the liberty-minded folks here at ThermionicEmissions.

	Donald Trump	Vermin Supreme	Bernie Sanders	me
Party	Republican	Free Pony Party	Democrat	Left-Handed Party
Most Notable	Endorsed by ex-wife, who he did not rape	Only bona-fide American Presidential Candidate to actually donate a living organ	Socialist	The best left-handed guitarist on his block
Best Known for	That thing on his head	Wearing a boot as a hat and carrying a large toothbrush	Socialist	Male Pattern Baldness, unsuccessful blogger
Platform	Let all the damn wetbacks in	Zombie apocalypse awareness (and zombie-based energy plan), time travel research (in order to go back and kill Hitler before he was born)	Take away all guns	Jail the Kardashians, force Congress to use Obamacare
Slogan	I've got $9 billion and you don't	Screw world peace - I want a pony	The accent Trump wishes he had	Running with scissors for YOU

	Hillary Clinton	Libertarians	Chris Christie	Rick Santorum
Party	Democrat	Libertarian?	Donut	Barefoot and Pregnant
Most Notable	The only woman Bill wouldn't sleep with	Ron Paul	Stopping traffic out of spite, blaming it on others	Didn't realize Intelligent Design was religiously motivated
Best Known for	Sucking out all bodily fluids from Vince Foster	No government spying	Using storm aid for ads	Pennsylvania's emarrassment
Platform	Whatever the Bilderbergers, Trilaterals and Council on Foreign Relations say, personal servers for me alone	Maximum freedom, minimum government, free market healthcare (because that worked so well before), stop 'exporting freedom'	Shouting down anyone who disagrees, lap band surgery in every pot (belly)	Intelligent design, no birth control, no same sex marriage, deregulate pro wrestling, waterboarding
Slogan	I ran the White House for eight years - what the hell else do you want?	Leave us alone	Shut up!	My values are the country's values

Since I don't want to unduly influence you, dear readers, here is a list of famous libertarians:

Squint Eastwood, Vince Vaughn, Ayn Rand, Chris Rock, Christina Ricci, Dave Barry, David Letterman, David Lynch, Dean Koontz, Denis Leary, Dennis Rodman (his nose rings are reportedly voting for Hillary), Donald Fagen (Steely Dan), Howard Stern, Matt Stone+Trey Parker (South Park), Penn&Teller (Penn&Teller), Kurt Russell, Drew Carey, Frank Zappa (absentee ballot), Gene Simmons, Hugh Downs, John Malkovich, Matt Drudge, Matt Groening (Simpsons), Neil Peart (Rush), Raquel Welch (I rest my case), Robert Duvall, Tom Selleck and Tommy Chong (enthusiastic marijuana user)

What is at the top of Trump?

Poor sleeping pattern could be a contributing factor to cancer, a test on mice suggests.

I am not exactly a scientist, medical expert or even a mouse enthusiast but I must take exception to this travesty of research. What the study shows is that weird sleeping can cause cancer in MICE.

* In most cases, mice are not humans, although some humans are known to be mice.

* The study cannot prove a causal relationship because you cannot accurately simluate real world sleep patterns in mice. The study did not account for the wife leaping in and out of bed, the wife waking you up because she's up anyway, the dog jumping on your chest and circling before going to sleep, or the mouse's neighbor running the $@!ing lawnmower at seven in the morning.

* the mouse does not suffer sleep deprivation over how he's going to pay for the kids' iPhones.

Conversely:

* the human doesn't have to worry about cats (or the dog, if he sees the cat chasing it).

* the human is not likely to be used for medical experiments (unless the CIA is involved).

* The human will not fit through the hole in the molding (or the wainscotting)

* Most humans can NOT make it through a maze

• Peru is about to make 'first contact' with an isolated Amazon tribe.
• 30 days after first contact, the Mashco Piro Indians will send back some questions:

1. We're very impressed by television. May we return the favor by leading an attack on the tribe Kardashian?
2. Why do all of your things have 'i' in front of them?
3. 'Hummer' mean something else here.
4. What is at the top of 'Trump'?
5. May we trade hunting skills for this 'boob job' thing?
6. What medicine for VD?
7. Why do you sit on 'couch' when you can sit on log?
8. Why do you have such small... gen... genit... penises (except for the dark ones)?
9. 'Glock' less accurate than bow and arrow.
10. No, Tonto not related.

Who says militias are bad or crazy?
After the tragedy in Chattanooga, militiamen, veterans and citizens are standing outside armed forces recruiting centers, guarding them with their own guns. For some reason known only to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, recruiters are not allowed to carry weapons, so these folks are acting as unpaid guards, on their own time and at their own expense.  Some of the neighbors are nervous but more importantly, the recruiters are safe and they're standing up for their own. 

• Scientist warns the world to 'think twice before replying to alien signals from outer space'  The only problem is that any civilization that would be capable of sending signals here would already know about us. Again, a smokescreen.

In case you missed it (or are in denial), an all-transgender modeling agency is opening in LA. More dick for the click?

• A brain-eating amoeba has been found in Louisiana water.  They should also be checking Kentucky and D.C.

BEST headline of the month/year:  Wyoming man found with 30 eyeballs stuffed up his anus. Probably because the silverware no longer fits.

• A Philly treat for many years is water ice. For those of you in far-away climes, it's somewhat similar to a Slurpee/Icee but a little less liquidy and eaten with a spoon. Marshall aims to be the first spaniel with an endorsement deal from Rita's Water Ice.

Got Water Ice?

Speaking of Trump, we should all know by now that he's running for president. This definitely complicates the decision as to which presidential candidate gets the ThermionicEmissions endorsement. Of course my vote always goes to the libertarian candidate but at this point we're not sure who that is. This may be a political statement on the election. Trump himself is a real spoiler - if he gets in, there will be no shortage of material and General Amusement, of the variety promised but not delivered by Joe Biden. Then there's the perennial favorite, Vermin Supreme, because how can you argue with a presidential candidate who wears a boot on his head? Stay tuned for details.

• The FBI is sure getting good at tracking down suspects: check this story out. Never mind the kidnapping - look at how the FBI managed to get the info. This is creepy (and the NSA is jealous).

CHILD ABUSE WEEKLY

AS readers might have noticed, I take a dim view on child abuse, noting that it goes all the way to the top. Here are a few stories from this week: Epidemic of US children sold for sex and FBI says child abuse at almost epidemic levels. Police, citizens, Members of Parliament, Congresscritters... all the way to the top.  In fact, Met Police is investigating the late former prime minister Edward Heath (posthumously) into claims of historical child sex abuse by establishment figures.

• There are some articles that leap right out at me and say ThermionicEmissions!  Dozens of bra-wearing men and women have protested in Hong Kong after a woman was jailed for assaulting a senior policeman with her breast.  A Chinese woman accused an officer of touching her breast. The court ruled that she pushed her breast into him so she could charge him. 
• I'm starting to develop a fantasy. A fine fantasy of fanatical frenzied females, all trying to assault me. Life is good.

Service dog dials 911 during fire, saves blind owner. Yolanda the yellow lab called the fire department. Dogs truly are better than humans. Yolanda also called 911 last year when her owner fell and lost consciousness.

• NFL running back comes out of the closet: No, he's not gay. No, he's not changing his gender. No, he's not a pedophile....even worse - he's an atheist!

Close it on Some Musical Magic!

Ever heard of Steve Vai?  You might have caught him as David Lee Roth's early solo guitarist or in Frank Zappa's band ("my little Italian Virtuoso", Stevie's Spanking). Steve is one of those rare Guitar Geniuses. Anyone who can transcribe for Zappa and play that stuff is among the musical elite.  Steve is a delightfully wacky musician who does things his own way.

Another of those tunes guaranteed to make the hair on the back of your neck stand at attention is For the Love of God.  Notice the way Steve owns the stage, the music, and his guitar. The guitar faces are priceless and completely appropriate. The studio version of this song, not far away from this recorded version, was recorded after a fast of a number of days.

We are also treated to a bit of pre and post-tune virtuosity, ala Steve's Noises. Steve is ably accompanied by the even more wacky Mike Keneally (Beer for Dolphins, Frank Zappa) on guitar and keyboards.

Does Mr. Vai look familiar?  You might have seen him as the devil in Crossroads, playing against Ralph Macchio in the Soul Selling Scene.  Or the triple-necked guitarist in David Lee Roth's 'Just Like Paradise'.

Enjoy his take on Jimi's Little Wing. One of Steve's more amusing tracks is The Audience is Listening, with one of his school teachers on announcements.