Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Muppet Paws Strikes Again

An Ikea museum has opened in Sweden, celebrating the firm's history. Next month, K-Mart is opening a similar museum. In a restroom somewhere in Detroit.

  • Been thinking of a new pet for Marshall. The idea of a sloth is interesting. Even if you go to sleep for the night, he'll only get ten feet total from the bed.

During a planned active shooter drill at Andrews Joint Base, an real life active shooter alert was called. The base reported it. The press reported it. The Secretary of Defense reported it. And hour later, the alert was called off, stating it was a planned active shooter drill. Because the base, the press and the Secretary of Defense don't know and can't tell the difference. Nothing to see here - move along.

  • According to a Baltimore professor, white people need to give all their money to black people. You can't even write parody as good as real life anymore.

Although we know that Faceyspaces is inherently evil, statistics dictate that some of the people here use it. I won't call you out by name (because I don't know it) but I'd like to share with you this guide to FB security settings.

  • Over 100 women posed naked against Trump in front of the Republican National Convention. This is a short-term goal for me that's close to my heart.
  • Speaking of the RNC, as we'd expect, it started with a prayer. Yeah, separation at its finest. Also, one of the featured speakers is from Duck Dynasty. That's putting your best foot forward, guys.

Did you know that your plane cannot take off until they're sure the coffee maker works?
I suspect they fear armed insurrection if it doesn't.

  • I was told a long time ago that guitar players got all the girls. And I hear that women love a sense of humor. I should be doing better than Leo DiCaprio at this point...

A man shot at two teens playing Pokemon, mistaking them for intruders. I say he didn't mistake them, which makes it a service to the neighborhood.

  • In the oasis of Afghanistan, a pregnant fourteen year old girl was burned to death in an 'honor killing'.  What other religion has these advantages... you can impregnate an underage girl then kill her for having sex and being pregnant?

Exercise, they said...the doc told me it would be a good idea. So I bought a stepper, assembled it with a lot of screaming, and proceeded to go against everything I stood for. It was horrible.

Back at the doctor's, he asked how it was coming. I told him exactly how it was going: I got on the stepper and watched every second go by, calculating how long it would take til I could stop. The doctor, bless his soul, said that if exercise caused me this kind of grief, I shouldn't do it.

I now have Doctor's Advice not to exercise. My life is complete.

Go outside, they said.. feeling brave, I took the dog out back. Smelling the air, post heatwave, I looked around at my back yard (that I hate because I have to mow it). There sure were a lot of trees that I didn't know existed. They provided needed shade. I began to think that maybe I could spend a few minutes out there, maybe with a laptop (there's no helping me). 

Feeling positive, we went back inside, to the air conditioning... where I noticed the itching, where several bugs bit my legs. Up and down. 

Now I need a doctor's note to keep me inside, on my glorious couch.  

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