The Unemployment Files (#4)

Greetings, friends and neighbors, fellow bloggers, readers, and everyone here from the Wide World of Water Sports.  This is the next in the Unemployment series, otherwise known as Episode 4 (or Why Am I Still Typing This Shit?).

As you know by now, I remain without work, unless you count the constant drone of the wife, barking out orders for me to do menial tasks like carrying stuff, cleaning stuff and mowing. I'm a knowledge worker - this kinda stuff is beneath me.

SEARCHING

You have been privy to all of the interesting search results I've gotten as well as all of the lovely recruiters who have called and emailed.  This installment's Best Of would have to include the offers for work in Houston, New York, four counties over, and of course, the three month consulting arrangement in Arkansas.  Come to Arkansas, work three months is their new state slogan.

A friend suggested a new game: collect all the coins for the states for which we're invited to work. The one with the most coins wins.  No, I don't know what.

In my own searches online, I have come across a few winners also. Business to Business insurance sales, wound nurse and my absolute favorite: lactation consultant.  I have to tell you that the last one had me considering a career change.  I'm somewhat of a subject matter expert in that general area anyway, going pro wouldn't be that difficult.  I can already properly size a bra and check for lumps, so I know wherefrom I speak.  Ok, I am a bit lacking in lactation - it's simply a fetish better left for others.

THE HIRSUTE CANINE CHILD

The dog has been enjoying the hell out of having me home full time, according to my wife.  As I type this, he's sitting next to me, putting his nose under my arm and insisting on all attention being provided to him and him alone.  Unfortunately all the attention has spawned more of a little monster... when we go somewhere, he becomes Spaniel Detective and hunts down anything edible, no matter where it is.  He used to be such a good dog when we left.  Last week he got half a bag of my Reese's Pieces (the bastard).  This was doubly evil, as my wife was supposed to get me Peanut Butter M&Ms, not Reese's Pieces.

He's defintely acting out.  Yesterday he ate half a loaf of wheat bread... the kind with all that sawdust on the top.  Wheat bread.  No matter how bad chocolate is for dogs, he will consume whatever he can reach.  Fortunately it doesn't bother him (it bothers me though).  My wife, who is sometimes forgetful (like it's sometimes humid in PA), left a whole bag of trail mix on the floor.  Strangely, the dog has left it there.  Yes, we've finally found the single substance that the dog won't touch. Remember - this is the guy who has eaten raw brussels sprouts.  Just not trail mix, please, Dad.

Meanwhile, the cat is also enjoying more attention.  The fastest way to get one of them to come is to call the other one.  Sibling rivalry at its finest.

Speaking of the cat, he has developed a new talent.  If you remember, the dog has trained the (good) neighbor to come out and feed him upon his command (bark).  The cat, no slouch himself, saw what was going on and figured he needed to get in on the action. So he, the cat who makes no noise at all, now sits on the fence and goes meow...Meow... MEOW and the neighbor comes out and feeds him too. We have unleashed two beggars upon the neighbor.


THANKS FOR THE HELP

The neighbor with the good intentions, who last time asked if the house was going up for sheriff's sale had another piece of wisdom the other day.  He saw my wife smoking on the front step and lectured that she must stop smoking; it's costing us too much money.  Of course the guy is one hundred percent correct; he's just lucky he didn't get a Subaru through his thorax.  The wife is a little jumpy where ciggies are concerned.

Armed with this great information, my wife decided to save us some money on cigarettes.  Whenever I hear 'save us money', I start to shake.  This usually means that she has purchased two of something 'because it was on sale' or 'because it was cheaper'.  When she gets home, she tells me how much money she has saved us.  I volunteer to save us even more money.... Guitar Center is having a sale and I can get two guitars for just a bit more than one.  Think of the hundreds I can save us!  Oddly enough, it is at that exact point that her math fails her (as well as her sense of humor).

Where was I?  Oh yeah, cigarettes.  She saved us loads of money by buying.... are you ready?  can you guess?  wait for it...  Roll Your Own cigarette parts.  We now have a tray table dedicated entirely to assembling cigarettes. Or rather, a tray table dedicated entirely to holding all the paraphernalia required to assmeble cigarettes.  I figure this is a practice best done when she has enough ciggies already. The moment she's out, she'll run shaking to the tray table, try putting together a single cancer stick, fail miserably, and run screaming to the store to buy a carton of regular old cigarettes (for $77 plus taxes).  In fact, it turns out that the tobacco companies are the ones that started the Roll Your Own movement.

INTERVIEWS - WE GOT INTERVIEWS

Hey, I haven't spent the entire week sitting on my ass.  I've spent the entire week looking for jobs, while sitting on my ass, thank you very much.  I have to admit I've had a decent amout of 'hits' on my resume lately, some from actual caucasians (who aren't Indian and trying to pound me into any job they can fit me into).

The prospective employers are getting smart about things, as I mentioned, and doing phone interviews (screenings) to weed out the bad prospects before calling them in physically (if not mentally).  I have had a bunch of phoners, as I call them.  Each one teaches me something, namely that I hate interviewing and that I can learn from my mistakes. And I make rather a lot of them.  And I insist upon making each one of them repeatedly.  Getting feedback helps to learn what to do next time.

So I've learned a lot, largely by failing.  Some call it Trial and Error.  I call it Error and Error.

This week I got a call from a recruiter for a job that turned out to be pretty damn local.  If there's anything I like (besides not having to mow the lawn), it's a very short commute to work. So I sat on the phone with the recruiter, very patiently, and answered questions. Very early in the process it became apparent that the technical recruiter had absolutely no concept of technical matters.  It would only make sense, you know.  I was charming and helped with technical acronyms.  Having gotten through that, I was informed that there was another phoner with their actual technical person.

A few days later, their actual technical person called, only he wasn't entirely technical either; he just knew all of the terms and acronyms. I suspect I was less charming this time but I passed muster. I know this because I was then invited to meet him in person.  In a small county, one state over. Tomorrow, if I didn't mind. For anybody keeping score, this was two phoners and an in-person, just to get past the recruiter.  The visit was pleasant, he asked great questions, we all talked about pets, kids and the coffee situation brewing (get it?) in South America, causing prices to rise exponentially.  I must have been in good form because I passed muster again.

How did I know I passed muster again? The recruiter was going to pass my resume along to his client. IF the client likes my resume, there will be... hang on..... guess what?  a PHONER!  If he likes the phoner, an in-person will be scheduled.  For anybody still keeping score, I will have gone through three phoners and two in-persons before I know if I got the job or not.  And this is for a consultant slot.  This has city government or extreme corporate obfuscation written all over it. I hope they don't take measurements when I show up. I typically disappoint.

Then there was the other phoner/screener for a large retailer.  It was being gang-interviewed, possibly by monkeys, judging from the zoo-like background noise.  It felt like home because I used to work in a zoo.  Well, not a traditional zoo, but they were really loud and sometimes smelled like animals. The secretary's husband likened calling there to a soccer riot.

And there we are - this week's installment.  Although it would break my heart, I am perfectly willing to discontinue this series and get back to the (ab)normal stuff.

The Philadelphia Curse - It's Personal

As we know, I have company in from out of town this week.   As we also know, Philthydelphia's weather is highly variable, to be polite.  In fact, Philly and the surrounding suburbs are going to shut things down for a day and have a huge celebrity concert for the purpose of getting the funds to purchase a real climate.

The weather and I go way back.  I have ancient memories of going on vacation when I was tiny and having it rained out.  Ever since then, I've felt it has been personal.  Douglas Adams [The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy] has a great bit about a person who gets rained on wherever he goes.  He doesn't realize he is actually a Rain God.  Read the Dirk Gently novels.  Everyone should read Douglas Adams regardless.

Validation is a particularly sweet thing for me, especially with the high number of odd things that tend to happen around me.  So it was welcome when the folks at work started noticing that it wasn't, in fact, totally in my head.  Over a period of years people noticed that we could count on rain when I took off work to visit the zoo.  We could have a heat wave the likes of which would make Arizona jealous and if I took off Wednesday, it would rain.  Rain wouldn't appear in the forecast in any way, but it would rain.  One year for my birthday, my coworkers got me zoo tickets and rain ponchos [Note: not Sears ponchos].

I would like to ask Douglas Adams if I might be a Rain God too, but he had the temerity to die a number of years back, making contact all but impossible.  Lacking any other subject matter experts, I am left to wonder alone.

So I have company in from out of town this week.  After brief consultation, it was decided that I would take off work Friday so we could go to the zoo.

You see where this is going, right?

On the work calendar, I noted that I would be out Friday and to BANK ON RAIN.  

I have to tell you that the Universe is not stupid.  When I took off work and promised not to go to the zoo, it did not rain. When I took off and said I wasn't going to the zoo but intended to go anyway, it rained.

My poor friends from out of town manage to get the absolute worst of weather every time they arrive.  Usually it's the ridiculously high temperatures of summer combined with the ridiculously high humidity of summer.  In actual fact, spring and fall have been declared null in Pennsylvania, due to budget cuts.  This time my guests have been treated to our second record heatwave of the summer.  Yesterday it hit one hundred.  If you sit outside without moving, you will dissolve into whatever you're sitting upon.

But this time, the Universe had another trick up its sleeve.  Normally the forecast would be for high temperatures and sunshine, yet it would rain.  This time the Universe one-upped me....  as soon as I took Friday off, the forecast changed to rain and thunderstorms all day.   Yes, Victoria, it is personal.

Did you ever feel Universally f-d?

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If I were really smart, I'd charge people to make it rain.  For several hundred dollars per acre, I would take off work for the day to go to the zoo, hence rain.  Unfortunately I can't concentrate my powers anywhere but where I live.  Perhaps I could get paid to relocate for the day and make it rain there.

Then I truly would be a Rain God.

Riding Out the Apocalypse at the Zoo

Yippie - we're all still here!
Or at least I hope we're all still here.

Much to everyone's surprise, the Rapture failed to occur.
In fact, it failed to occur precisely to the moment.  Call me a sage.

In any case, we decided that the zoo was a great place to spend our last hours together.  To make it a proper and fitting goodbye, we invited the parents.  Family time is together time.  Never mind that my siblings had convenient excuses: living across the country and some crap about a wedding.

I am a member of the Philadelphia Zoological Society, through no fault of my own.  It actually started at work one day.  I took off to go to the zoo and it rained.  The next time I took off to go to the zoo, it rained again.  It got so that I tried taking off without saying why I was taking off, but Mother Nature got wind of it and it rained.  One day I even took off, specifically noting that I was not going to the zoo.  It did not rain, so we largely put it down to me going to the zoo.  My old boss noted that I could make a lot of money by visiting drought-ridden areas and going to the zoo.  My wife, although for the idea, was kind of sad, as she really loves the zoo (as do all of the internal folks).  For my birthday, my coworkers got me a membership to the zoo, as well as a pair of raincoats.  The bastards.

There is this show on what's left of broadcast television on Sundays called Animal Exploration.  I get the impression that it's a few years old but the host, Jarod Miller, is a hoot.  He's a small, manic zoologist who visits zoos all over the country and talks about the animals.  It's an amusing show for kids and larger kids (like me).  I prefer mania to poor Steve Irwin (RIP), whose main tactic seemed to be poking at anything in front of him until it tried to attack, in defense.

In any case, Jarod and crew did a few segments at the Norristown Zoo, right outside of Philthydelphia (it's always better to be outside of Philthydelphia).  We had heard that there was a zoo in Norristown but kept driving around it for good reason: you don't want to get out of your car in many parts of Norristown.  It might be the county seat but this particular seat needs a good cleaning in spots.

So naturally it was decided that we'd all visit the Norristown Zoo.  We packed our sunscreen, water, parents, and Kevlar vests, then set out on our journey.

At this point you're probably saying to yourself that you know this is all made up because we packed sunscreen.  After seven straight days of rain, Mother Nature either got tired or had her period, allowing the sun to peek out and providing the area with a rather nice day.

Signage is surprisingly good in Norristown, allowing us to find the zoo without difficulty.  And it's a good thing, too, as the zoo is incredibly well hidden.  It looks like any other nice residential area.  The only delay was caused by taking my father's directions.  Dad used to drive by the place every day on his way to work, or so he said.  I had temporarily forgotten about Dad's sense of direction so we listened to him (at first).  Fortunately no one forgot about Dad's driving, so we took our car.

My parents lived in Arizona for a few years, meaning we used to spend a lot of time visiting.  Within two or three trips, I could navigate the area better than they could.  This would have been funnier if we didn't have to give them directions so frequently.

Meanwhile back at the zoo, the kids wanted to know if Jarod would be there.  I assured them he wouldn't.  There were more cups of Dunkin Donuts coffee there that we didn't bring to make us take notice.

This definitely was not the Philly Zoo, although I suspect they keep the animals there in cages to protect them from some of the Philadelphians.  Right out of the gate we saw a beautiful eagle, just kinda perched there.  And many not-so-beautiful people, pointing at the fish swimming around in the muddy water.  I did have to announce more than once that this was a special No Screaming Baby day at the Norristown Zoo, after which things quieted down a bit.

We immediately came across everyone's favorite lawn ornaments, who get that way from the shrimp they eat.

Walking along, we came across this little fella, who the ladies named Fred.  Fred was a bit camera shy, although we met his cousin later, who walked right out in front of us.  Of course all the good shots are on my wife's camera.  These are from my Droid.

Not being a traditional kind of guy, I don't do traditional types of pictures.  Take this one:

There were some empty stalls and this was taken around the back.  I have no idea why the animals required a bowling ball but why ask why?  Perhaps there was some sort of Norristown law that stated that there must be one bowling ball per twenty seven animals - who am I to question their alleged wisdom?  Maybe the Bowling Lobby got to them before we did...




We saw quite a lot of animals.  This is an especially fortunate thing, this being the zoo and all.  The ones that had the biggest effect were the bison.

Talk about up close and personal.....

These were some majestic beasties, alright.  Also quite personable.  And they'd pretty much have to be, as there wasn't exactly a lot between them and us.  And the neighborhood, for that matter.

I'll post the good pics if my wife ever retrieves them from the camera.




Overall it was a great day.  The Norristown Zoo, while small, is a great place for kids and people who maybe can't stand too much time out.  Or adults who can't walk long distances.  Or people who don't like to wait in an hour of stopped traffic to park at the Philadelphia Zoo.



Last but definitely not least...

This is a purple Swiffer.  My wife loves purple and didn't know they came in that color.