Don't Fart in Church - it Keeps Me Awake

Here's a smartphone app to detect credit card skimmers on ATMs and gas stations.

And you told me there was no such thing as a butt plug hacker.

If you have an iDevice, you may be infected. I'm not kidding.

Do you use Chrome browser? A neato bug is causing a fix to be rushed.
This raises many questions: which browsers are also affected because they're Chrome-based? Chrome is based on the open-source Chromiun, which is probably affected. Many popular browsers are built on Chrome. Don't use Chrome - it's a goog product



BREAKING: President Trump wants to buy Greenland.
I have to question the intelligence behind this.. can't we buy a country with a decent climate?

We're at least 22 trillion in debt; why are we talking about buying a country?
I'll tell you why...


Top 10 Reasons to Buy Greenland

1. Because it's there
2. Asked how he found America, John Lennon said, "Just turn left at Greenland." Imagine how much easier it would be now.
3. How about those Kardashians?
4. Keep the military home from Afghanistan fresh - they can just take it.
5. We can change its name to Booger.
6. Send California there.
7. It's half the cost of Iceland per square foot.
8. Even the trade imbalance with Denmark. (Denmark owns Greenland)
9. Zero Population Growth - who wants to do it where the temperature never goes above 50 degrees (17 grams centigrade)?
10. Are you f-ing kidding me?

Dear lefty

• How do you categorize people?
• It all comes down to cocktail or tartar sauce on seafood.

Up to 10% of Texas drivers are uninsured or underinsured.
Philly: Don't be a pussy - we're at 50% on a good day.

Pennsylvania ranked 18th on the top friendliest states.
Its neighbor, New York, ranked last. Very close was its other neighbor, New Jersey.  Imagine if they ranked cities.... Camden, Manhattan, North Philly (scene of the recent shooting).

• Every now and then I find a particularly interesting piece. The parrots want to tell us something. The ones that aren't dead parrots, of course.

This study shows handler beliefs affect scent detection dog outcomes.
Now explain that to the policeman.

• Here's a little light reading on the CIA mind control experiments. Yes, the Manchurian Candidate is non-fiction.

When you see an airplane on tv, how can you tell it's a commercial?
The people look comfortable and the refreshment trolley takes up less than half the aisle.





The British are a Riot

Insipred by the riots in Hong Kong, the British have decided to take up rioting (on a limited basis, if that's ok).

They urge caution, so most will be protesting at home. Some of the more brave Britons will protest online. The bravest promise to leave their homes, slowly, but can't agree on a suitable venue to air their grievances. The riot had to be postponed four times, because of a series of meetings to figure out what their grievances ARE.

The novice rioters are urged to start with small steps, such as grumbling in public. The more intrepid rioters are going to get Really Serious, with a series of strongly worded emails. If you are leaving your house for the riot, practice in small increments: take two steps, say, "We just cannot have that sort of thing here," then run back inside. You will be ready for full revolt in only a few years' time.

The brave rioters staying home are urged to march in step with the people actually attending the riot (both of them). The riot will be televised, but you're out of luck if you haven't paid your licence fees.

The grievance committee also has to approve signs for the rioters. Suggestions thus far run the gamut from "Oi" to "Man United or Death!" to "I am strongly against this sort of thing." The political subcommittee has also approved "Fuck Trump" signs. Although there is no specific relevance, it has become fashionable to carry them. The Boris Balloon has been rejected because the Chinese are too busy rioting to complete it on time.

The largest hurdle facing the Brits is that they have to be taught how to riot. History shows they're not very good at it, unless there's an interruption in the flow of tea or Eastenders. When advised rioting includes things like not showering, being rude, and flouting authority, the grievance committee decided on a more nuanced approach: postponing the riot indefinitely and holding more meetings.

• Police in England carry a device that lets them check if car windows are tinted too darkly.  From tinted windows to people saying bad words, you're protected.

Headline: A man suspected of planning an ISIS-style knife attack in New York is in jail today, courtesy of the FBI.

Real Story: some incompetent boob was nurtured and encouraged by the FBI, then 'caught' right before committing the act.  This happens so many times, your first instinct when you hear FBI should be 'they set up another one.'




Heroes of the Stupid

Lindsey Graham is advocating for a peace deal in Afghanistan.
Yay!
His only prerequisite is that US troops are allowed to continue fighting.
Ummm....


A South African bank says that password managers play a useful role but cautions against the use of them for your bank account.

'Hundreds of thousands' of users are still using compromised passwords - worse still, they're using those same passwords for multiple different sites.


Jed Foster (20) is in court for the murder of policeman Andrew Harper. He says he's not guilty - he wasn't even there. He did not drag the policeman under the car.  The policeman was not married for only 10 months. Foster wasn't even in the country on that date. In fact, he was on the moon on whatever date he allegedly killed someone. He couldn't have been there because he denies being born. This should be an interesting trial.


Elizabeth Warren gave a speech in front of Native Americans, where she apologized for claiming she was part Native American. She is actually African American.




SJW Situations

[Twitter @PaulLeeTicks]
As much as a monster as Ted Bundy was, just keep this in mind: Ted Bundy killed 30 people, over a span of 4 years. Whereas Donald Trump is responsible for the mass murder of 31 people - in just one weekend.

I'm a little bit country... and she's a little bit rock and roll...

Absolutely - Your Data is Safe With Us

Today's IT fact: Healthcare is now the most vulnerable industry to data breaches, with 328 breaches in 2017 alone (accounting for 60% percent of all breaches last year). The total estimated cost of these breaches reached $1.2 billion.

Remember this when your doctor talks about Electronic Health Records and offers you a URL to look at your records and talk to his office online. 

• The trash truck just left. Before it got to the next house, the Crazy Lady's cans were taken back to their resting place. This is weekly and for some reason, fascinates me. The thing is, the Crazy Lady has nothing to do with it. She has somehow managed to coordinate this dance with neighbors and whatever creatures Crazy Ladies socialize with. She has them all fooled, looking like she's having trouble getting around, when the fact is she's only 439 years old, which is midlife for her species (whatever that is).
• One day I discovered a neighbor working on her patio roof. I suggested concealing a bowling ball up there, with a trapdoor. He knows I'm sometimes odd, but he looked at me with questions on his face. Turns out he has no idea how evil she is and is doing work for her because he's a genuinely nice guy who helps people. This also gives her plenty of time to call the city and complain about some imaginary violation on my property. After which she'll leave us some fresh tomatoes from her garden.
• I need to start limping a bit. Then maybe the neighbors will take my trash to the curb precisely at the earliest time allowed, the day before the truck comes, then take them back to the house the moment the trucks leave. Snow plowing would also be good, as well as mowing the lawn. I try not to be unreasonable.

Speaking of neighbors, I have to remember not to cheat on my wife.

This is not really a difficult thing to remember, but I've already had an illustration of what would happen if I went insane and tried.

I'd get caught.

I  say this because every time I'm with a female in an honest circumstance, someone I know happens to pass by. I kid you not. One day I didn't have a ride home, so I asked a female coworker and offered pizza in exchange. As we're eating, my sister-in-law walks into the shop. I introduced them, being perfectly honest. Because it sounds perfectly honest to say 'she's my coworker'. Mrs leftystrat is friends with this coworker and refers to her as my Work Wife, so no harm done.

Another time I'm in the same pizzeria with another person who did me a favor (of a non-sexual nature) and Wife's niece walks in. Niece lives forty minutes away but loves this pizza.

Second niece, who lives around the corner, occasionally carpools with me. We're at a red light and there's a knock on the window. A gentleman is telling Niece that her left rear tire is really low and she could use some air. I looked up and the gentleman was the neighbor who worked on Crazy Lady's porch because he's genuinely a good person. We said hello and I explained that the very attractive young lady was Wife's niece.

So if I were theoretically ever so stupid as to want to cheat on my poor, long-suffering wife, I'd have to move to another state to try (at which point my parents will be visiting that state and staying at the same motel).

• Headline: Morbidly obese couple have sex for the FIRST time in their 11-year relationship - after losing almost half of their combined 1,256lb weight.
• No. Just no.

Sometimes you read an article so ridiculous that you check to make sure it's not dated 4/1. Unfortunately, this is not April Fools Day:

Microsoft is cracking down on what people say while using their services online. According to a new services agreement written by the company, the tech giant is planning to ban accounts that use “offensive language” and will go through your private data to “investigate” users.

Read the sickening article. 
We know of my great love for all things Microsoft; this is a great example of why, especially awful on the heels of the Faceyspaces privacy debacle.
This will not affect me, but if you use Office, Xbox, Skype, or certain others, you will be affected. I'd advise you to curtail your use of these services, even if you don't produce content that will trigger an alert.

I know that you're not putting anything in your documents involving obscenity or bestiality, but this is the first step to dictating what you can say and how they own your data. Remember lefty's law #2: if you can't touch your data, you no longer own your data.

One does not have to be looking for conspiracies to see what's going on here - it's happening in real time.  You will look back on this and realize how this was a major step that pushed us across the line to censorship and official corporate monitoring of your data. And you agreed to it. Think about it now, while you still have the option.

Things is getting weird and concerning.

• Speaking of movies, don't forget to see Bedazzled. The original, not the Liz Hurley remake (although Liz Hurley...). The dialogue is unbelievably funny and beyond merely witty. Check out some quotes. I'm told this is a spoof on Faust, but I'm a Philistine and don't know anyone called Faust.

My wife is watching some movie about Jewish gangsters of yore. Yes, I know they existed but never stopped to think about them.

Jewish gangsters.

Time for a little stereotyping.....

You owe me a favor. If you don't complete it, I'll sue you raw.

What do you mean you can't pay? I'll beat you with 3 day old bagels.

Oy, dis interest is meshugga. I shall cut it down to 99%, for you.

You know Moishe, right? Moishe the tailor. He forgot his protection money and got audited.

• If you're giving a PowerPoint presentation to several departments at work, remember to close your porn. Trust me.

I've read some winners lately. I really enjoyed the complaints that gun control was too white. Ladies and gentlemen, if we manage to surpass this, we can be 100% positive that the rest of the universe is laughing at us (as opposed to mostly certain).

Holy Cross Theology Professor Says Jesus Was a ‘Drag King’ with ‘Queer Desires’

Go ahead. Try to beat that.
And while you're beating that, perhaps you can define 'Drag King'. A woman who dresses up like a man? Will we all be watching Rachel Maddow's Drag Race on tv?

Saint John’s constant references to Jesus wanting water, giving water, and leaking water “speak to Jesus’ gender indeterminacy and hence his cross-dressing and other queer desires,” Liew contends.

Well, that's certainly an original interpretation of the New Testament. I don't want to come off as a biblical know-it-all, but I'm beating my brains, trying to figure how the actual expert got from water to queer. We're obviously out of our depth. Maybe the guy's subconscious has been writing up these theories.

• There's a very interesting article in California's Mercury News about deportation of illegal aliens. In short, ICE is deciding on whether or not to deport an illegal who has been deported three times and has a drunk driving conviction. His wife and children, US citizens, want to pack up and move to Canada if Dad gets deported.
• The path to Canada is fraught with hills and valleys (mostly hills). Canada will accept refugees from terror in their home country. Since it's difficult to prove this in Mexico, they've got a problem getting in. They want to apply for permanent citizenship.
• What the tens of thousands of people streaming into Canada don't know is that they need to prove they have skills that would benefit Canada and that they won't be a drain on the system.
• For some strange reason, the article is reasonably balanced. Recommended reading.

While we're in California, a San Francisco policeman pulled over a self-driving car and gave it a ticket, for driving too close to a pedestrian. How do you pull over a self-driving car? Who gets the ticket? Can I bring my emotional support elephant?

• Headline: 'World's worst' super-gonorrhea befuddles doctors...
• Yes, it's super-gonorrhea.. faster than a teenage virgin. More powerful than all antibiotics. Able to leap tall condoms in a single bound!

Last weekend, hackers got to Baltimore's 911 system.
I'm not all that fond of hacking websites, but this is different: it could cost lives. How would you feel if you needed an ambulance for a serious issue, and the system was offline or backed up because it got hacked?

• Good news for the stragglers who have not abandoned Faceyspaces: Firefox has an extension called Facebook Container Extension, which prevents FB from tracking you across the web.

Walmart made a 'business decision' to pull Cosmopolitan magazine from their checkout areas. It might not have been entirely a business decision, as Walmart recently heard from the National Center on Sexual Exploitation (NCOSE), which had launched a campaign to pull Cosmo from checkout areas in an effort to make them more “family-friendly and sexploitation-free.” They claim the magazine "regularly promote pornography, sexting, BDSM, group sex, anal sex, and more.."

Isn't it wonderful that we have somebody looking out for us, to make sure we don't see things they don't want us to see?  Like the women who stood behind the alcohol prohibition of the early 1900s?  Women are actually campaigning against consensual sex. That's shooting yourself in the vagina, isn't it?

• Our friend and neighbor, the schizophrenic, is a really nice guy. When he was able, he'd plow our sidewalk when it snowed. It doesn't take a professional to understand he's paranoid, but we all have our issues (especially in our house). Yesterday, Mrs leftystrat pet-sat for him, so he could get some stuff accomplished, as he doesn't get out much. The guy, a vet, barely makes enough to get by. 
• When he returned from his trip, he had purchased lunch for both of us. You can't tell him no. Solid guy. There's some good in the world (contrary to the stuff I put here).

Sister Wives

Is this four times the fun? Looks more like four times the trouble. 

Avoid.

• Need some ideas about how to see if an email is legit? Check this out.

Just remember that if you're unlocking an iOS device with the fingerprints of a dead person, it only works with the recently dead, so jump on that corpse ASAP.

Really Deep Thoughts - Really

Really, what's the point of life?

Everybody has asked this at one time or another: it's my turn.

What becomes of you when you're gone? While we all have our ideas of where we 'go' after our time has passed, what of our space on Earth? What did we leave, if anything? Do we have to leave anything?  Does it matter?

When we go, we leave some sort of impression. Do we truly live on when people remember us?

What of our Stuff?

Like most grandparents, mine kept a shoebox with all of my accomplishments over the years. They were very enthusiastic about this, so it was more like the size of a 1971 Cadillac. 

As I mentioned, my grandmother died years back. As I saw some of her furniture and whatnot come into her children's houses, I stood, stunned, when I thought of my shoebox. It opened this whole quasi-existential dilemma. This is not about me (ok, it is), and not really about the shoebox.  

The box was no doubt a source of pride and love. It fulfilled its mission in their lives. But now the box is an orphan; it floats in space and time. A possession of paper, with emotion attached to it. But now the emotion has no owner.

My parents have a box like this. It is now time to change the topic.

Which brings me to Me.

For some reason, I feel I need to leave something. Why? Is this common?

I have done many things of which I am not proud. When I'm feeling down, they come visit, and dance in my head. On the other hand, I will certainly leave a lasting impression, mostly in a positive way. I've made a difference in a lot of lives, mostly people around multiple personality disorder. I keep a virtual shoebox of emails from people asking questions and getting information they needed. Sometimes I look inside the shoebox... it has emotion attached to it and makes me feel really good to have helped a little. note: this is not bragging or virtue signalling.. it's just inventory. Mostly (hopefully), I've left laughter and entertainment (intentional or otherwise).  I guess that's a decent legacy. I guess it only has to matter to me, because it will be nothing in one generation. Dust.

I'm kind of attached to my Stuff.

While all the other kids were buying nice cars and spending money on dating, I bought guitars and amps and related things. When people rented apartments and bought houses, if there was spare money, it went to guitars. When I went on vacation, I had already scoped out where the music stores were. The result of this is apparently quite an enviable collection. It's interesting and frightening that the 'dog' guitars I bought are now considered vintage and desirable. I also paid frightening amounts, just like everyone else, for a house.

When I'm done here, what happens?
I can't leave anything to Marshall, as the actuarial tables have him predeceasing me. Mrs. lefty obviously gets everything. The equipment that I loved and poured everything into becomes orphaned. It will eventually find new homes, via one of those 'collector died' sales. The house will probably make the news and local legend, as one of those 'crazy old couple' stories.

I think I'm going to leave everything to the SPCA. Or establish lefty's Home for Wayward Women. Damn, I was dead sober serious up until the last paragraph.

What will I think then?
The atheists say I'll be rotting in a box.
The Buddhists say I'll be coming back.
My mom says if there's any justice, I'll come back as a parent with a child like me.
The Judeo-Christians say I'll be one of two places. At least one lets me observe. I'll be with my loved ones; and most importantly, my pets.
Others say I'll join my 'higher self' or the Universe, perhaps coming back, perhaps 'moving on', depending on what I need to learn.

If I don't know I'm dead, I could haunt a place forever. You don't want that, trust me. The moment I figure out I can 'do stuff', there will be no end to the merriment. I'll have found my Eternal Gig. One wonders if this isn't heaven...

You Had a WHAT?

Many have given thought to aging and technology. Today's kids will never know

• the joys of trying to get the little yellow plastic thingie into the 45 so it will play on your record player
• pay phones
• 8 track tapes and sometimes cassettes
• a bigass home stereo system with huge speakers and Serious Wattage
• dial phones
• home phones
• watches
• alarm clocks
• cars without seatbelts
• leaded gas
• vacuum tube appliances that had to warm up before coming on
• non-flat screen televisions
• purchasing porn, music, and movies
• (relative) privacy

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.  - Ben Franklin

• Veterans Memorial Park, in Belle Plaine, Minnesota has a controversial monument with a cross. The Freedom from Religion Foundation is at the head of a movement to have it removed, as it goes counter to the First Amendment. City officials voted to keep it in the park (because apparently cities can vote to approve unconstitutional things).
• You know what happened next, right? The satanists submitted a proposal for their own display. In almost every case, this is enough to get the original item removed, but Belle Plain is apparently special.  The priest started Panic Mode<tm>, about how this will encourage children to try satanism and will bring the end of morality to the world.
• The satanic display will go up as scheduled. 
• Quite frankly, I'd be more scared of the priest and his buddies. A lot of their shenanigans have come to light lately....

GAB, the right-leaning, zero-censorship Twitter replacement cannot get a mobile app going on iOS. The developers have worked tirelessly but Apple will not approve the app for their store. Excuses aside, take one guess why... I mentioned to the GAB folks that it would be a badge of pride not having an iOS app, but for some unknown reason, they didn't share my enthusiasm.

• The election in England is over. Many hands are wringing. There are new and old office holders. And I understand absolutely none of it. The one bright side is that Monty Python prepared me for the election by introducing the Silly Party and the Very Silly Party. They are actual candidates, one with a bucket on his head. Yes, this is part of their elections, and a welcome part, as far as we're concerned.
• I would like our friends in the UK to note that absolutely no one in the US protested, burned flags, burned people, or rioted over their elections, unlike their mad, unruly protests over our election. This point would be much better made if I had any UK readers.

One of the most controversial tweets in the history of Twitter.

• Gender Studies is basically an exercise in observing a penis only once, and blaming it for everything bad.

In case you were bored, we just sent up a spy satellite to spy on spy satellites. Funny as this is, we really don't want to know what that cost. And we won't.

• It got somewhat less boring over the weekend. Started with a new medicine that made the wife nuts. Then a 2am trip to the emergency vet because Marshall was whining constantly. Nothing was found. Then a crack in the windshield most of the way across. Today we get to watch that service that comes to your house and installs the glass. Fortunately we have so much money that this won't be an issue.

Mrs lefty says to me she saw it raining. Well, not raining, but leaking from the telephone pole.  Leaking?  Yeah, the pickle bucket at the top of the pole.

Uh-oh.

I called the electrical utility's "You better check this out" hotline and they assured me they'd get their best people on this soonest.

You see, the pickle bucket is a transformer. Surrounding the transformer is vegetable oil (you think I'm being silly, but this one time I'm not). The oil was leaking from the transformer case, which really isn't a good thing. There's really a frightening amount of voltage and current up there and we only need a small fraction down here.

Within hours, the utility rushed some of their best people to the area to swiftly knock out the power to the entire block. An hour later, we were back in business. Yay repair guys!

A utility person we know told us this has been a problem forever and they never fixed it. Apparently the load from everybody using their air conditioners in the 95 degree high-humidity heat set it over the edge.

This, of course, brings up very important side effects of power loss: OMG - THE INTERNET! Even on a laptop or phone, if your router/wireless doesn't have battery backup, you're screwed. The phone can use 3G/4G/4.796G, the computer is black, and the laptop will last as long as its battery.  Remember this. Some providers install a backup battery for the modem/router.  Never mind air conditioning or breathing - we need internet!

I formally apologize for that.

Concrete Windows

According to Reuters, the US military aid to Israel will be at least $38 billion. That's billion, with a B.
This needs to be stopped. Stop the money flowing to any country. Lower taxes. You wanna send aid? Go ahead and contribute voluntarily.

• Two US bombers flew over South Korea in a show of force. No one told them it was North Korea which fired off a nuclear bomb.

Is the transgender bathroom brouhaha a distraction or a significant need? How many transgendered people would this impact? Can they use current washrooms? One of my disabled buddies was against making every concrete corner into a ramp.  I have no position as yet: you tell me.

• Bradley/Chelsea Manning has been approved for a sex change. Tell me, why is it easier for a psychiatrist to order a sex change than to get his patient out of solitary confinement?

In the Ultimate Irony Department: Hillary will be featured on the cover of Womens Health magazine.

• Good news for iDevices: iOS 10 is rolling out. Bad news for iDevices: iSO 10 is rolling out. There are reports that the 'upgrade' is bricking phones. As with any upgrade/update, wait for the bugs to be worked out (not that any of us here use iDevices)

Basic Security: do NOT plug a found USB drive into your computer. At best, it'll be harmless. At worst, it will literally fry your computer. It could have a less harmful virus. In any case, Just Don't Do It.

• are you a Last.fm user? 43 million passwords 'leaked'.  Change your password NOW.

Yeah, I'm late to the party, but my advice is solid: if your phone supports wireless charging, invest in a charger. 

• An Indian media company has launched a Spanish-language Bollywood film channel. In the US. Because demand has been outta site. There's too much here to come up with the appropriate slur.

Top US military and national security officials stated that climate change is a 'significant and direct' threat to the US military. Unfortunately, they can't find a country to invade over it.

• An old guy shot three people at a senior citizens complex in Cheyenne, Wyoming. This proves we need common sense legislation around septuagenarians with guns. 

The tank made its debut 100 years ago. About the only good thing it did was to allow Joe Walsh to ride down Hollywood Boulevard with one. I'd like one for my lawn but my locality has a specific ordinance against tanks on lawns, hurriedly enacted just after I moved there.

• Hopefully this won't (or will) be helpful: if your older relative goes nuts, it might be something as simple as a urinary tract infection. It's easy to diagnose and easier to treat. A UTI can look like dementia.

Many people may not realise the beer in their pint glass contains isinglass, a gelatin derived from the swim bladders of fish. Drink up!