Brown Wind

So millions upon millions of European carp have flooded your South Australian waters, threatening local fish. What do you do? Dump some Herpes on the bastards. Yes, herpes, which will kill thousands in the first twenty four hours. Herpes - what could possibly go wrong?

• While we're Down Under, what do you do if you're bored? Well, if you're a fan of black humor, and who among us isn't, you name your portable wifi hotspot Mobile Detonation Device and just wait for hilarity to ensue. Yes, some lady's phone picked up this hotspot and she showed it to the plane's crew, who showed it to the captain, who showed it to two other friends, and so on. The plane was two hours late due to searching and people escaping with their luggage. The device was never found. He obviously should have called it Explosion In Five Minutes.
• Not to be outdone, a Los Angeles flight was delayed after locating a wifi hotspot called "Al-Queda Free Terror Network."  Shit is about to get hilarious!

When do you use free wi-fi? Never.
If you must, here are some tips from a real hardcore security user.

• The third largest electricity and water utility in Michigan shut down all its corporate IT systems after a ransomeware hack. Fortunately the electricity and water continued to flow but this is a very visible warning shot on a very important and visible utility. Look for this more and more, with less tolerable effects.

A Florida (of course) woman reported an 'adulterated meal' to police. She went to KFC and ordered two sandwiches, which she believed 'contained semen'. The sandwiched were swabbed for biological evidence by the police.  How does one swallow a sandwich?

• You're not paranoid if it's happening: A government surveillance program has been exposed around the San Francisco Bay area. The FBI has placed microphones in trees, under rocks, and in equipment, all without warrants, because they don't need them. The program is allegedly an attempt to prove real estate investors are guilty of bid rigging and fraud. Yeah, right. They eavesdrop with impunity.

This should make your day: Employers are having a harder time finding applicants who can pass drug tests, especially marijuana.

• President Obama has defended his transgender directive for school bathrooms. Still no word on monumental debt.

The BBC is going to close its recipes website to save 15m lbs. And let's face it, with a choice between deep fried and blandly boiled, what use is there for it?

• The first penis transplant has been performed in the US. Ewwwwwww. Ouch.

Sinead O'Connor went missing for a few days but was found alive in a hotel. She was escorted to the Happy Place. Remember, folks.. depression is no laughing matter, although her voice is. I hope she's  ok.

• According to NASA, April was the seventh month in a row to have broken global temperature records. Except in Philadelphia, where it has been cold and rainy since about 1939.

Taco Bell will no longer bolt tables to the floor at new "Upscale" locations. Well, the drunken fights at 2am will be much more interesting soon..

As you remember, we had to put Ren the cat down last week.
My wife/kids are telling me they hear him scratching at the door. I heard noises but not that.
Today I heard the scratching.
So I opened the door and let him in.

Bipolar Disorder Has Captured My Soul

See - it isn't so easy updating songs to new names for old disorders.  What I'm told is an excellent description of the disorder is rendered by Stone Temple Pilots.

When tax records are requested, Al Sharpton tends to have mysterious fires. There's an old joke about convenient building fires being Jewish Lightning.  Google will not let me type this name, so let's call it Sharpton Lightning,

I've often said that a great deterrent is worth twice the punishment. Utah wants to bring back the firing squad, which is cool, but I was thinking of public flogging or the stocks.

Many of our nation's and world's problems can easily be overcome by one solution: fear. Take this fine example of how to fix the schools issue.

Because we all know that taking a power saw to a baby's neck is an unspeakable act, you will all be happy to note that, according to autopsy, the baby was already dead when the power saw was employed. 

Communist Party leaders are afraid that the Dalai Lama will not have an afterlife. Worried enough that this week, officials repeatedly warned that he must reincarnate, and on their terms. Now there is a party with some power.

Meth lab found in Walmart. Explosion in aisle 3. That certainly explains a lot.


Forensic experts in Italy said Thursday they had reconstructed the DNA of a national war hero and poet by analysing semen he left on a handkerchief given to a lover 100 years ago. The gift of semen is timeless.

Doctors perform first successful penis transplant. Note: this is not a Hillary joke.

It's springing outside. There is not only sunshine but damn near fifty-some degrees outside. This is almost bikini weather, although perhaps not for me.  Apparently spring fever has sprung, judging from the sights on the way home today.  Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's Dairy Queen, I don't know.

So there we are, parked at Dairy Queen because we decided that we couldn't live without a malt (yes, a MALT) to keep us from eating dinner til ten tonight.  There was a curious mixture of skinnies and fatties. Was it an old Supreme Court justice who said "I can't define obscenity but I can recognize it when I see it"? If he could have seen what I saw, he'd tell you he was fortunate to be dead.  This sixty-something lady, who was extremely well-endowed in the buttocks and legs, was wearing bright white yoga pants with floral patterns all over them, like a walking, misshapen drapery.

While watching the fauna, the dog, firmly standing on my lap, was watching the ice cream go by. He really likes ice cream and malts. In fact, there is a very small list of things he doesn't like. He was watching people, hoping they'd drop off a cone or shake for him. He remained horribly disappointed. Meanwhile I was taking in the occasional bit of MILFy goodness and some not-so-MILFy goodness. There was an awful lot of traffic, which turned out to be driven by free cones. The dog was pissed.

Then I saw the cherry on top of the sundae....  an approximately ten-year-old girl and her friends, all in Catholic school uniforms.  The young lady in question had the biggest thighs I have ever seen, on a ten-year-old or a forty-year old. And she was wearing a uniform that featured a moderately short skirt. It was horrifying, especially when she sat down.  When she walked, I could hear the sound of sandpaper rubbing against itself.  I grew up near a Catholic school whose graduation picture featured many students in pregnancy uniforms.  Is it presumptuous to wonder about a fat uniform? A burka, perhaps?

Sorry, I'm feeling a bit irked today.

The dog, however, got really interested while I held the two malts. He kept trying to arch his tongue to get through the little hole in the dome top of the malt.  He succeded, to the amusement of my wife. She stopped laughing when I told her the dog had eaten her whipped cream.  And when we were done, Marshall got the cup, which he spent fifteen minutes worshipping and removing the top from.