The Hair on my Left Elbow is Killing Me

Due to my love affair with the couch, I seem to be attaining a soda belly. It's not my fault.. I'm not doing anything different.

Wife brings me some fresh cupcakes. I thank her and remind her, for the fourth time this week, that I'm trying to cut down.

"SINCE WHEN DO YOU CARE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE?"


After that, she went to visit my parents. Mom was taping flowers to the wall. This is not a good thing. Mom would have ordered special flower mounts, not used tape.

It's just another day.

• Saturday: 80 degrees. Sunday: 40 degrees. Monday: 4 hour flash flood warning. Tuesday: raining carburetors.

It's a sad thing to have to admit, but I never saw Led Zeppelin live. I did, however, catch the solo tours of Page and Plant immediately after. Page's doubleneck guitar got a round of cheers as it was put on its stand.

Everyone seems to be up for a reunion except Plant. It's difficult to form an opinion on this.. I want to see Led Zeppelin, as do millions across the globe. Plant's reasoning is that he doesn't want to be a best-of act. Understood, but if you do new material, you're not a best-of act. Meanwhile, his solo career is going well. I've seen a few concerts online and his band is in fine form and the songs are good. They even slip in a reworked Zep tune here and there. Recommended.

What's bothering me at the moment (as opposed to what's bothering me in general or specifically at any other moment) is something about Plant's solo career.  I don't even know what it is.  Recently I discovered some live shows from the early 80s. I was there, front and center, at the hockey stadium. For whatever reason, it became very important to listen to the concert and collect more. The music came back to me. I remembered the riffs and where everything went, including stuff I didn't remember I remembered. And then I had my fill.

Don't you know that I came across another old concert and some rehearsal material and listened for a bit. Now the songs are whirling through my head again, like one of those amusement park rides that... whirl. It is said that music recalls another time and place. I certainly don't feel like a different time or place. I feel good tunes. Regardless, they're back again and I'm enjoying them. It's just that I always have to know why, which makes life frustrating.

• England recently held the BAFTA Game Awards. Yes, an awards ceremony dedicated to video games. Next year, the Hand Mixer Awards air for the first time. I, for one, can't wait.

If you log into your Yahoo or AOL email (if you still have AOL email, there's little that can help you), you'll see a new privacy and terms notice. In light of the Faceyspaces scandal, they want you to know they're reading your email, and will most likely share it with Verizon, their parent company. Full disclosure is wonderful, isn't it? Don't you feel better?

Speaking of Faceyspaces, Techpinions did a survey on 1,000 people, of which 9% said they deleted their accounts. I'm trying to figure out if this is a good thing or a bad thing. If the numbers hold, it's a pretty significant thing. To reach 9-10% of Faceyspaces users usually requires the personal invitation of a Kardashian. Or meth. While this number is significant, I'm bothered it wasn't higher. THANK YOU, SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER?

Speaking of Faceyspaces again, they just deleted over 100 private discussion groups that have been facilitating identity fraud and cybercrime on the platform for years. Faceyspaces did not discover the groups by themselves. The whole operation would've been quick and efficient if someone complained that the groups were hate groups, run by right wingers.

• Many Android device manufacturers are not telling the truth when they say they have patched phone vulnerabilities in new updates, researchers found. Fortunately I have nothing to worry about, as my carrier is too stupid to update anything and can't even tell me if I'm going to get the next version of Android.
• Reminder: put black tape or something solid over your laptop or tablet's camera. It's no longer something just us tin foils do... Zuckerburg does it too.

Are you a T-Mobile customer?
They just got hit with a $40 million FCC settlement by using fake ringtones. When you'd call someone out of range, they'd play ringtones, making you think the other party was hearing the phone ring. This was banned in 2014. Ever wonder where the settlement money goes? Certainly not to the affected parties.

• Russia is attempting to ban the secure message app Telegram. You know you're doing well when a country's leader wants you blocked.
• ThermionicEmissions' strong recommendation is to use Signal. It's available for all platforms.

David Buckel, famed gay rights lawyer, set himself on fire in New York to protest the use of fossil fuels. In a statement, the nations of the world pledged to stop using fossil fuels immediately. I sure hope he didn't use an accelerant.

• It is of no matter that there are gays in the NFL. What does bother me is that the Social Justice Warriors (SJWs) are starting to get by the detectors. NFL player and activist Terry Crews said: 

• “People have to understand that masculinity can be a cult, and when I say cult, it’s not different from David Koresh, it’s not different from Jim Jones,”

Is this some sort of Halloween joke, where he dresses as a football player but in reality is some crazed uber-feminist with green hair? The cult of SJW is large and strong now.





A substitute teacher in the Philadelphia school district has been suspended for allegedly hitting first graders.  That's one way to teach respect early on...

Speaking of Philthy, Mother Nature was booked yesterday for drunk driving. There was a line of coke on the dash and a speedball in her pocketbook.

• A college in California (of course) is hosting a No Whites Allowed pool party.  Can you imagine a college hosting a No Blacks Allowed pool party? There would be riots and calls to burn the school down.
• The invite stated only "people who identify as POC" permitted to attend (person of color).
• No problem. I identify as a person of color. And a fire engine! Vroom vroom - wooooooooooooooo!

A few days back, there was an incident in a Philadelphia Starbucks, that has no doubt gone around the world. The only facts not in dispute are that there were two male People of Color. The employees told the men they couldn't use the restroom if they weren't paying customers. They called the police, who escorted them out. Both the police, who were on camera, and the mayor state that the police did nothing wrong. The POC are claiming racism. Starbucks has apologized, letting a POC spokesperson deliver the news. Philly's Groups You're Supposed to Apologize To are apoplectic, saying that they will not accept Starbucks' apology.

The mayor will meet with Starbucks, along with his HR Helpers in case of Unconscious Bias. Starbucks will force sensitivity training. It's good that the mayor could take time away from soda taxes and his great work with his sanctuary city.

Unconscious bias. What a great term!  Is racism losing its effectiveness?



Later that night, in a Philadelphia row home:

Dad, I learned about racism today in school. It's terrible. I'm not racist, am I?

No, son, you're not overtly racist, but we have to consider that you might be unconsciously racist.

What is uncongslee racist?

Well, you could be racist and not know it.

But Dad... how can I be racism and not know it?

Err... you could have a tiny little racism gene, waaaaaay down inside.

Well how do I know?

That's why the school district says everyone has to take unconscious racism training.

[crying] But Dad... I'm NOT a racist!

I know, Bobby, but you have to trust the training.

Will it tell me if I'm racist?

Um.. not entirely.

Then why do I have to take it - you know I hate tests.

Because everyone is racist, son. Unconsciously at least.

Who says that?

Human Resources departments.

How do they know?

Because... uhhhh.. they were told so.

By who?

Industry people. Mostly lawyers.

Do lawyers know if you're racist?

No, lawyers know that it's bad publicity to not look like you're doing something, plus people of color will blame you for being racist. 

So I might not be racist unconshly?

No, but they invented the term just in case.

Dad, what's white privilege?

SHUT UP AND GO DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

Thank God for the federal government. Without their intrusive nannying, it's a wonder any one of us is still alive. The FDA has banned the sale of caffeine in bulk quantities directly to consumers.  No, seriously. They said it could lead to injury or death.

Still no word on aspartame, or the thousands of other things they approved that can cause injury or death. Next week, the FDA will ban water, because too much water can kill you. Look up hyperhydration or water toxemia.

If any of you can snag an interview with Ben Franklin or Thomas Jefferson, can you ask them about this? I'm pretty sure their intent was to allow citizens to make their own mistakes.

• The Pentagon has turned loose a $5.1 million contract to a cybersecurity to identify illness in its soldiers via their smartphones. SARGE - hold your fire - I need to send a text!
• The phone's camera, microphone, and motion sensors will be used 'to keep tabs on deployed U.S. service members.'
• The ACLU said there just might be some privacy issues here.
• What kind of pussies work at the ACLU? Just because the government will soon have the ability to monitor your 'health' by turning on every sensor your phone has, doesn't constitute a privacy problem.
• I call BS. They can already turn on the sensors. This is just preparing us for the announcement. Even if you don't believe me, you can still see it happening, right out in the open.

That Damn Cartoon Music

I've been a Frank Zappa fan for as long as I can remember.
And why not? When you put a song like Yellow Snow near a teenager, it's bound to happen.

I had no choice but to dig deeper into the catalog. I liked more and more of his music. The first album (yes, album) I got was The Mothers, Live at the Fillmore 1971. This quickly became a favorite, playing over and over, even though I had to get up to flip the record every time. Aside from the very interesting musicianship, the thing that got me was the fantastic interplay between the singers, Mark Volman and Howard Kaylan. Only later did I learn they were The Turtles (Happy Together, actually performed on the album), aka Flo and Eddie. These two were hysterical and worked incredibly well together and with the band. Of course Frank rehearsed them to the edge of their lives. It was a huge production, and I wanted to see that live. Alas, this was a small part of Zappa history, without a ton of video I could locate. This was also before the internet [SHOCK and AWE!].

The theme of the album was being a rock star and traveling all over the country, meeting and trying to bed groupies.  Between the hilarity was instrumental bits that were kind of interesting. Not the usual masturbatory guitar solos I listened to normally. Frank was a great guitar player and a complete 180 degrees from anyone else who played. He played for as long as he wanted, and it was interesting all the way. The instrumental bits were not all guitar solos - he had other interesting things happening, but not too weird... just slightly out in his own neighborhood. Do you see why I never got called to write reviews professionally?

It's a good thing, too. Whenever I read or hear a review, I always wonder if the reviewer and I listened to the same piece of music. What I heard as ear-piercing howling, the reviewer referred to as 'the wide range of the lead singer's voice'.

In any case, further explorations into Frank's catalog turned up a few more hits and catchy bits. And even more strange, out there compositions. I refer to them as compositions because that's what we was: a composer. Yes, he had songs, but some of the stuff he did was beyond explanation; way too complex for my young ears to grasp. So I left the compositions there and enjoyed the Joe's Garage trilogy.

As I matured musically (who the hell am I kidding - I matured in nothing and remain the same genial hardhead I was at 16), I went back to the complex stuff and found I had an appreciation for it. Mind you, this is the music that parents and girlfriends call Cartoon Music, because it's very busy, fast, and jumps around a lot. It's also impossible for most rock musicians to play, but I appreciated the hell out of it. Mrs leftystrat, not so much. Since she processes things differently, it's too busy for her. Having read Vonnegut, especially what read like time travel, it confused the hell out of me. She said it was perfectly understandable to her. Oh well... if we were the same, there'd be no fun in it.

In listening to the more complex stuff, I gained an appreciation for what must've been involved, and composition in general. I sure as hell couldn't do that.

Try it out for yourself. A ton of his songs appears on YouTube. Funny stuff and cartoon stuff. Also a series called Shut Up And Play Your Guitar, which is, as you'd expect, only instrumental. If you like the music, please purchase it to help his kids, who are split into warring factions.

• A blind guy goes kayaking in the Grand Canyon. Fortunately he's not crazy enough to do it himself: he takes a guide who knows the area like the back of his hand, as well as his team, which stays in touch by radio. You know what happens next, right? There's a sudden disturbance in the water, a reinforced fiberglass paddle snaps, and the kayak turns over, trapping him in the water.  The guide, I mean.

How's Marshall?

He went for his followup visit at the acupuncturist the other day. She's very pleased at his progress. His lesion has shrunk significantly! We're beyond thrilled.

Think about this for a minute. The doctor thoroughly examines him, sticks a few needles in him and sends him home with some Eye of Newt and Stuff, and he's doing better in two weeks, maybe sooner. What does this tell you about chemicals?

Possibly to detract from getting well, his behavior has gone down the loo. He has successfully taught his mommy to walk him on command. Marshall has his own yard, so he can do whatever he wants. But there's something about his leash that makes him happy. Starting at two or three in the morning, he whines, very quietly at first, then ramps the volume and pitch until she gets up and does what he wants. Since he discovered she will walk him, he now sits by the door and whines. He trained her faster than he could ever be trained. To be fair, we never know whether the pitiful whining is pain or manipulation. My wife, bless her, lets me sleep because I have to work. Plus training me could take years.

As we know, I'm always late to the party.
HOW LATE ARE YOU?
I'm so late that I didn't know Barry Manilow was gay until last year.
THAT'S REALLY FRIGGIN LATE.

I didn't realize the power of my own dog.

When he went to the acupuncture doc, she and her assistant were oohing and ahhing over him, saying no way he could be 13-14 and he has a puppy face. The doc asked if it was ok to take pictures of him. Ok, but I'm not going to be a stage parent.

The regular vet practice is also incredibly fond of him. We take him when we're just picking something up and the multi-doctor practice goes on hold until everyone has come out and said hi to him. He's a celebrity.

On twitter, people follow his progress. One fan said if she lived here, she'd steal him.

That dog has more mojo than Dr John. If I ever needed a date, all I'd have to do is stand near him.

I can say, completely objectively, that he's a tremendously good looking cocker.
And some sort of furry therapist... he brings out all sorts of things in people.  Who knew?

Will the Last Person Please Turn Out The Lights

I've bemoaned the terrestrial radio situation before, but today it got worse.
We have one rock station, and one classic rock station, which plays the same songs by the same artists, over and over and over and over.... Then there's NPR, but I don't need to hear why Trump is wrong about everything or four hours on plants, until most of the listeners commit suicide.

So we're in the car, which is the only time we listen to the radio, as the cd player broke. We put on the rock station and hear..... hockey.

There used to be another rock station that was a hair more listenable. Naturally that couldn't be left alone, so one day they went sports talk. A talk station on FM. Why? Do we need color commentary to come to us with full fidelity? Can't we just listen to our teams lose on AM?

After much searching, I managed to locate the email address of the rock station's program director and sent him an email to share my feelings. Because the world seems to operate on feelings these days. Before you shudder at my feelings, sharing them, or what else I might say to the person, I want you to know I kept it very level. At no point did I threaten his family's well-being or even his genitalia. I made no comments about his predilection for crossdressing or cruising certain neighborhoods after dark. I didn't even complain that the morning team seems to be more of a Morning Mob, with much input from people who sound like they were picked up off the streets in South Philadelphia and told to put in their two cents whenever they felt like it. I simply stated that we have many choices for sports, but they're the only rock station, and how about playing some rock?  Not unreasonable.

I feel much better having done that. Maybe tomorrow I'll send an email to the classic rock station, suggesting they play something different from the 12 artists they play. I know it's what I'd like to hear.

I have got to invest in a new car radio. With AUX IN. It doesn't even have to have AM or FM. Just Bluetooth or a USB stick with music.


Will the last person listening to terrestrial radio please turn out the lights when you're done?


P.S. I received a response from the program director, explaining that they were contractually bound to carry the hockey game, due to some other station carrying football. Or basketball. Or water polo... probably water polo.

Guitar-Related: read at your own peril

Because I like to be told "no", it was time for another trip to Guitar Center. I like to go every now and then to see what's new and if there's anything I desperately need at that moment. They used to have new stuff. Now they have... blah. In large quantities. The place has shrunken down, both in space and inventory. In terms of lefties, it was a good trip: one used Strat, one cheap Strat, and one midline Tele. It used to be better, but stopped. The chain in is financial trouble, much like Gibson guitars. They were bought by Bain Capital, Mitt "Sue" Romney's firm, which squeezes out all profits, then discards.

The new Fenders, as widely publicized after the music show in January (NAMM) were nowhere to be found. Funny, they appear for sale all over the internet. So I asked, only to be told that NAMM is a giant tease, and no one will see the actual guitars til May. This bears checking out.

There was one guitar that caught my eye. It was backwards, but still.. I could probably order it. In fact, it caught everyone's eye because they could not help but see it. Then it burned out their retinas. It was rather unbelievably yellow, in a way that could provide light for a hemisphere of the planet at very least. It might've had a tinge of green, just to make it more.... violently ugly. It was a Charvel and they introduced some wild, LOUD colors recently. Unfortunately Charvel is a metal guitar, therefore I wouldn't like it if it were lefty. Bloody necks that are wide and flat. But it was so wonderfully blinding that I could almost see myself playing it, next to my other incredibly ugly Strat. You know - if I ever played out anywhere.

There were two employees visible, both of whom were very nice and customer-service oriented. The store was dead, but I guess Easter Sunday/April Fools Day is not known as the best time to shop for guitars. I kinda liked it. I went in with money, ready to spend, and failed. I do this a lot, which says something about me.


Will the last person shopping at Guitar Center please turn out the lights?

Makeup

We took a trip to the makeup store too. My wife does not get off on being told no, and it works out spectacularly for her. Or, as we say around Christmas, What do you get the girl who wants everything?

I'm a relatively decent husband, in that I take an interest in things she likes. I don't mind shoe shopping or makeup shopping. Except today. When guys go shopping, they stroll in purposefully, eventually get the thing they want, even if it means looking at a list with one thing on it, and get their ass out of the store. Women are different (no, really?). Every aisle. Everything on every shelf required either a comment (got that, got that, don't have that, got that, don't want that) or physically handling the item. Sometimes this came with an explanation. Normally I can do this with no difficulty. Today was different. I was sweating. My good humor and geniality started to fade quickly (yeah, geniality.... very funny).

These stores are incredible. It's a license to print money. Guys, if you've never followed your lady into a makeup store, you owe yourself a look. Take one of those muscle relaxers first, or a stiff drink (or both) and follow her in. There are all sorts of things in this store, each costing a lot of money. And women and girls flock to these places to be beautiful.

There is makeup in all colors. Want blue sparkly lips? Gotcha covered. Purple eyes? Check. Foundation? Name the shade. Concealer? It will make you invisible. Spackle and trowels? Aisle 3. Want to know why she is short on cash?  Because her lipstick is $19.99, and most everything else starts at $8 and rockets upwards. I was going to surprise her with some perfume, which was only $70, but a better bargain at $99 for a slightly larger size. I buy guitar stuff that doesn't cost me this much.

The focus at this point seems to be eyebrows. Don't ask me, I have no idea and no way to comprehend any of it. Maybe if we find a woman, we can ask. I've been noticing eyebrows lately, because you can't possibly miss them on social media, with the interminable selfies. Just as I was thankful that they stopped doing stupid things with their lips and stopped looking like they slipped across their eyelids and onto the side of their face with mascara, we are now faced with eyebrows. My limited understanding is that ladies used to pluck their eyebrows. Now they can be permanently installed, done professionally, tweezed, hot waxed, drawn under, drawn instead of, and threaded. I understand this process uses thread but have no desire to watch or even have it explained to me.

My eyebrows are strategically located in the traditional spot (right above my left buttock). They largely sit there, occasionally falling out or growing. That's pretty much it. They require no real maintenance, color, marker, or threading (I don't think). No matter.. consult a woman and she'll tell you that you probably could use some cosmetic sharpening of the old above-eye growth. Thanks but no thanks - I've got to wash my hair that night.

Why do women do this?
To make themselves beautiful. After all, if you buy this lipstick, it will give you larger breasts. And if you use that blush, you'll look just like that adorable model on the cover. That eye shadow will make you look like Cindy Crawford, while that perfume will turn you into Julia Roberts, complete with that smile and her perfect-size bum.

How do they know this?
How should I know. It's probably genetic. They walk into a makeup store, find just the right concealer, foundation, and bath salts (not the ones that make you eat the face off people) and go home, safe in the knowledge that they can operate the makeup like they were born with it. If you put the purple stuff on your face, it makes the craters less visible. The green stuff hides pimples and redness. The pink stuff is good for bruises, after you 'fell down the steps' again. The brown stuff... well.... it makes your skin browner. We even saw something that, according to the model, gives you a gap between your front teeth. Some of that stuff gives you big blonde hair! My wife is hip to this scam. She learned a long time ago that you will not look like the model, nor will the stuff work anywhere near as advertised. Smart woman. Only took 13 years to figure this out. You laugh - many women still haven't figured it out.

I spied another poor guy, across the aisle, pretending to be interested in what his lady was showing him. Smart fella. It got me to wonderin'... with all this space, maybe they should either put in a men's section with products, or put in some benches and a tv. Internet access. Cinnabons, my god. Expensive coffee drinks! This is another money-making opportunity for these folks, even if the markup is better on makeup than $7.50 coffee with whipped cream, a few squirts of this and that, a half pump of watermelon, and some soy whipped cream because Muffy is lactose intolerant and we don't want to be following her down the aisles, if you know what I mean.... I need to suggest this to the chain, because I'm incapable of keeping my bright(?) ideas to myself.

The owners of this place have to be wiping their bottoms with hundred dollar bills. With the exception of the Metro group, guys don't do this stuff. But women flock to these places, handing over lots of their hard-earned cash for essence of this and foundation of that.

At the cashier, we stood in line because there was only a cashier. There were others, but they were doing homework for their Looking Busy class. Good job, I tell you. Cashier, a customer too, asked if we found everything ok. STOP. Hold the really bad overhead music. Keep the commentary down. What does that MEAN? We definitely found the things we brought to the counter ok. After having combed the entire store, aisle by aisle, there is very little we didn't find. Did she mean finding the experience ok? No, it was too hot and nary a product for a straight male, except maybe some $29 shampoo.

Better yet, just experience it vicariously through me. I'm here for you.

But That's Not All...

No sir. There's another place one must see a few times in one's lifetime. I won't mention the name, but it rhymes with Head, Laugh, and Be Gone.  I'm not sure our parents imagined a world that included a store carrying beds, coffee, coffee machines, coffee containers, coffee grinders, linens that resist coffee, pillows, towels, kitchen gadgets and makeup. Yes, more makeup.

I don't think it was unreasonable of me, upon her insistence at looking at even more makeup, that I politely told her I forgot something in the car, perhaps a life, and I'd be waiting for her there.

But seriously, folks... all of their stores take up mega-space. They all have room for that weird size brush with the curved handle that allows you to clean the bottom of those 18" tall spaghetti containers. Not the lasagna containers- that's a different tool entirely. And they have this tool in a few colors, plus left-handed for me. If you can afford the retail space for these items, you're doing well.

I have never seen so much coffee in my life, in the form of Keurig pods. They're everywhere, including the bedsheet section.  Let me give you a hint, if you're serious about your coffee: don't buy this crap. Stick with what you know. Especially the stuff with the big V on it. We wasted money on a large box of french roast V coffee and had to throw it out. I like strong, manly coffee, with seven tablespoons of sugar and a half pint of fancy creamer, in a girly way. None of this stuff measures up to Peet's. If you don't mind nicely flavored hot water type beverage, by all means, pick up some pods. There's an infinite variety. Donut Shop (actually reminds you of Dunkin, watered down), Cinnabon (absolutely not - real thing only), Italian roast (tries to sleep with your wife), and Green Mountain. Even people who drink from the toilet should avoid Green Mountain. They're owned by Keurig or vice-versa, and produce coffee-colored, mildly flavored water.

One of my most amusing finds was a creme brulee(?) set, with some bowls and what looked like a mini flamethrower. The first thing I thought, after realizing that I needed a mini flamethrower to go with the large one, is that they couldn't sell this in England. You're not allowed to carry a knife over 3" or generic cutting tools or a hammer, because they're used for breaking in. One guy was barely allowed to keep his carpet knife, because he used it at work to cut carpet. Can you imagine the look on the face of the cop who sees the mini flamethrower? They might have to ring the fire brigade, bomb squad, armed response unit, and an ambulance for the first cop, who had an aneurysm after he saw it.

The store must have a generous Screwing Off policy, as we watched one employee, clearly not on her break, sit on a stool and check her cell phone. Probably forgot to post an important selfie.

The As Seen on TV crowd will have an orgasm over this stock. Pillows, flat hoses, hose extenders, vibrating things, and some sort of flower sponge that sings. I walked away quickly.

I'm secure enough in my manhood to hold my wife's pocketbook, but frequently don't have the shoulder strength. The only thing worse is being stranded by the entrance while she goes to the ladies'. A caring employee finally came up and asked if she could help me find anything. I teared up and told her my wife walked away and I couldn't find her, so this is where we agreed to meet if one of us got lost. There's a reason I don't go out much.

I found a saying recently.... "Every time I go out, I remember why I don't like to go out."

• Students at the University of Colorado earn up to 3 points for attending the annual White Privilege Conference.
• Where do I get me some of this white privilege?
• How many points do I receive for attending the Jewish and Black Privilege Conferences? Will they be combined again this year? What do you get when you combine.... sorry... I said I wouldn't do that again.

Hey, if you're ever in Ukraine (economic problems forced them to change from The Ukraine), I've got the accommodations for you! It's a brand new S&M hotel.  You can get the Dungeon Room, complete with dominatrix (150 pounds/hour). You can even rent by the hour (3 hrs min). There's only one hotel rule: don't appear drunk. You can get out the belt and beat your partner til they're bleeding. Strangle them for pleasure during sex.  Spank them til they can't sit down for the second quarter of 2018. Make them wear WWI gas masks. Just don't appear drunk.

• Back in 2011, a photographer got a picture of Mark Zuckerberg picking up dog poop. Security 'escorted' him to Faceyspaces HQ.
• I think it's great that he cleans up after his dog.
• However, he's a slimy hypocrite who believes it's ok to mine everyone else's data but not his.
• Sorry, bud... if you're on the sidewalk, it's no longer private property.
• There's something wrong when you have your own security force that's not beholden to local laws.

For all of you End of Days folks, a rabbi said he sees Trump rebuilding the temple. I know that has some sort of significance - maybe the messiah? Or something from Life of Brian. He's not the messiah: he's a very naughty boy.

• Comment while watching British tv: hey, she's not ugly!
• Line from British tv show: She's not a foreigner, she's Welsh.

Due to the brewing trade war with China, they said America would learn a "painful lesson" by tangling with them. They have threatened to close all of their restaurants.

• London's death toll has bested New York. That is an accomplishment. The deaths are attributed to knife violence. The first hullabaloo was a demand for the mayor to speak. When he did eventually speak, he said, "Let me clear - there is no reason to carry a knife ... they will be caught and will feel the full force of the law.  Apparently not, Mr. Mayor.
• I think you guys need to sit down and have a common sense talk about knife control. This is when parody writes itself.

A couple of weeks ago, a Tesla driver crashed and died in California. Another one almost met the same fate while on autopilot, at the same location. The theory is that the line paint had faded and the camera could not make it out. However, there were no warnings about crashing into the divider.  Tesla advises its customers to keep their hands on the wheels, and to pay attention. This seems to negate the point of autopilot.

Regardless, this highlights my apprehension over self-driving vehicles. I don't like the way they seemed to appear so quickly. I'm not against them, but I don't think they're ready for prime time. I take a lot of heat for this.

Backwards World

There are over 1,500 people headed through Mexico to the US, aided by Mexico. They have released DEMANDS of President Trump.

“We demand of the Mexico and the United States: that they respect our rights as refugees and our right to dignified work to be able to support our families,” the statements reads.

The second demand is “that they open the borders to us because we are as much citizens as the people of the countries where we are and/or travel.” 

They're not even in America and they're already more entitled than college students.


Speaking of college students, George Washington University is holding a diversity workshop that teaches that Christians, especially white ones, "receive unmerited perks from institutions and systems all across our country."

Christian Privilege. Betcha didn't see that coming.

In case you fear where this is going, I'll add more workshops offered: “heteroesexual privilege,” “cisgender privilege,” “abled-bodied privilege,” “socio-economic privilege,” “unconscious bias,” and more. Don't forget right-handed privilege. white privilege, and male privilege.

Homework: count the number of your privileges.

The Derbyshire Constabulary mens choir is rather upset (British understatement) because they were told they have to admit women. Or at least anyone identifying as a woman.

More than one million illegal aliens have received driver's licenses in California, according to their Department of Motor Vehicles.  Send them to Syria and have them demand licenses.

Parents Being Parents

• Gimme that old time religion: An Arizona mother got her child up for church on Easter Sunday by tazing him. She was promptly arrested for some reason. I think she should be commended for parenting skills.
• Her two children are on probation and the sixteen year old tazee has an ankle bracelet. All she was doing was enforcing discipline. Let's face it - they'll never do that again. Nor will she.

• An Ingram, PA, couple ran a brothel out of their house, where three young children were living. Child endangerment charges have been filed.
• Another responsible parent, teaching her children the value of a second career option. Survival. Business skills. 
• The 18 month old might be a little young, but is it ever really too early to start?

Remember the Defense Department giving out armed forces equipment and vehicles to police departments? Some Wisconsin police are returning mine-resistant vehicles and replacing them with smaller, armored emergency vehicles, due to citizen complaints. Having no bearing on the decision is the fact that they're large, heavy, and difficult to maintain.

What's wrong with mine-resistant vehicles for combat against your own people? How much will the new vehicles cost and who's paying for them?
You know that the rest of the cities and states will follow suit.  Just kidding.

Florida, We Missed You

• It's been a day or two since we heard from Florida, but they've taken a chunk out of the news cycle: a Volusia teen has been accused of biting the head off a live chicken. It's going to be about five minutes until someone's lawyer blames Ozzy Osbourne. Aren't you supposed to wait til they're cooked first?

• So it's Easter, and in Altamonte Springs, some folks are having a nice Easter dinner. Shivon Perez asked a guest, her ex-boyfriend, to fix a pipe. While he was fixing said pipe, she sprayed him with gasoline and set him on fire.
• If he doesn't do the dishes, your next step should probably not be setting him alight. Hit him with a pan, maybe.

Marshall

How is Marshall coming along?
He had his first doggie acupuncture appointment the other day.
Yes, there is a doggie acupuncturist. Or at least that's what she said she was.
She had a degree on the wall from School of Modern Doggie Acupuncture and a white coat with her name on it, so we felt it was safe to go ahead.

The staff fawned over him for a while. We initially put this down to the amount they were charging us wherever we went. It seems to be pretty genuine, and he seems to lap it right up. He's not tremendously social, like his parents, but he does well. He sat there for his treatment, not moving around and not anxious (dogs pant and move their tongues in and out when anxious). The doc was most impressed with his appearance and health for his age and his condition.

These folks are using Eastern medicine. Know what that is? It's what people used before Big Pharma. Natural remedies. Stuff we should all be using. We were advised to modify his diet. I didn't get all the details but one phrase stuck in my mind: "there's a big difference between farm raised and fresh caught salmon." And give him some mushrooms (I thought they were almost inert fungus). So the dog will eat much better than we will, even when we buy expensive food. They said they'll stop the cancer at very least, and they've had success at driving it back some. I believe them. People have had all sorts of ailments cured via acupuncture. So why not my little monster?