There Are Some Days, and This Is One

This is the kind of thing we read this blog for: a Michigan highway billboard was hacked to play porn for 15-20 minutes. This is positive hacking. They destroyed nothing, made some people happy, possibly caused some outrage and a car crash, and everybody gets a funny story. I'd avoid the rush, however, to move to Michigan, as police have a bit of video and are searching for the perps.

For those of you who are upset about their work computer being locked down, there's a fake browser update that will infect the entire network with banking trojans. If you're locked down and updates are automatically installed for you, this won't matter.

Anyone who has read at least one of these entries knows of my great love for Faceyspaces. Well, it hurts like hell, but I have to back Faceyspaces. No, really.  Attorney General Bill Barr, along with the UK and Australia, is about to ask Lord Zuck not to go ahead with his plans for end-to-end encryption across its messaging services until it can guarantee the added privacy does not reduce public safety.

When you're done producing filling for your barf bag, allow me to translate: We, the Five Eyes, are rather upset at your attempt to keep all of your information away from our five prying eyes. If you don't leave everything wide open or accept one of our Extremely Safe Backdoors, you are making it very difficult for us to steal scan your information for terroristic threats and to keep the world safe from democracy. Because everybody except lefty and two of his friends uses Faceyspaces, it is our largest source of information. If you do not allow us access, we will convince the founder of Faceyspaces, the NSA, to allow us access.

Remember when back doors were something fun?



Dear lefty

• How do you categorize people?
• There are only 2 classes of people: Munsters and Addams Family

Today I identify as a shrubbery



China recently celebrated 70 years of communism with parades and displays of weapons. And riots and a shooting of a protester. The people of the People's Republic also celebrate, but only when they're told to.

In unrelated news, The US celebrated their public education system by publishing these stunning results: first in spending of any country per student, 38th in results.

In yet still more actively unrelated news, Maria Bartiromo reports that... well... I don't really care - look at that face. She's a classic.

In related news, police are filing criminal charges against the person they shot during the riots.    I always say, "If you shoot them, they'll never do it again."  

The young man will be charged with rioting and assaulting a policeman.
Back in Tianamen Square, the lone protester was finally charged with assaulting a tank.

No thank you, I'd rather spend a few weeks with with Richard Nixon, in his  underground bunker.

• Every now and then, one must give thanks for even random positive events: today I'm thankful that the new project will no longer require Windows 10. I argued so politely and so strenuously, they redid the project just for me.
• Sometimes a good thing comes in the middle of tragedy. This is one.

Bernie Sanders, genial old Silly Person, noted communist, and inveterate alpaca plooker, said there should be no more billionaires*. What a funny old dude. He says random sentences with 'free' in them, generating cheers from his fanbase; like Bruce Springsteen, but much more expensive.

*Unrelated news: Billionaires said there should be no more Bernie Sanders.

• Today I want to share something of great import. I feel it will enrich your life and keep your kids happy too. Unfortunately I already forgot what it is. The mind is a terrible thing to... ummmm...

I am proud to let everyone know I like Orange Crush.
I am proud to raise my eyebrow upon seeing a bottle of Watermelon Crush.
I am proud to say eewwwwwwwwww upon tasting it. Yes, they got it right, but watermelon soda? Join my campaign for Kidney Stone Crush.





When a reporter for the United States Army Training and Doctrine Command interviewed Frank Zappa for the Command's news syndicate, the story was held by a superior who demanded that Zappa - who had been rather hard on the Army - answer one more question: just who does he think will defend the country without the Army?

Zappa's reply: "From what? The biggest threat to America today is its own federal government.... Will the Army protect anybody from the FBI? The CIA? The Republican party? The Democratic party? The biggest dangers we face today don't even need to sneak past our billion-dollar defense system... they issue the contracts for them."

The interview was not run.

We need Frank more than ever today....





Heroes of the Stupid

A federal judge ruled that Harvard University’s undergraduate admissions program is constitutional, rejecting a challenge accusing the school of discrimination against Asian American applicants.

In a decision released on Tuesday, US district judge Allison Burroughs in Boston said that while Harvard’s admissions program is not perfect, “the court will not dismantle a very fine admissions program that passes constitutional muster, solely because it could do better”.   Reached for comment, the KKK was outraged that their Harvard admissions will be capped at 20%.

Why is my cable bill so ridiculous? It couldn't be because of added fees, could it?



SJW Time

University and College Union apologises after failing to include Jews on list of groups of Holocaust victims (the Jewish Chronicle).

It described how the Nazis had persecuted groups such as “trade unions, including social democrats and Communists”, “Europe’s Roma and Sinti people”, “Black people”, “disabled people”, “freemasons”, “gay and lesbian people”, “Jehovah’s witnesses” and “'asocials’, which included beggars, alcoholics, drug addicts prostitutes and pacifists” were persecuted by the Nazi regime.

The international section in your supermarket is racist. The food is segregated.

sometimes you need to keep your soda cold

Hack Hack Hacking a Lung

A UK woman, for some reason a model, wants to be so fat she can't move. No, really. He boyfriend, a feeder, is feeding her obsession. She currently weighs 50 stone, which, according to an online converter, is 700 pounds. Regardless of conversion accuracy, she's a flipping disaster. Her plan is to reach 1000 pounds. This is a sexual fantasy, people.  I figure she must have some interesting life insurance and the boyfriend is gonna get his jollies then she's going to die in short order. Apparently nobody told them it's dangerous to be to fat.

Oh yeah.. don't say anything bad or you'll be fat-shaming.

• Apparently fax machines can be radicalized. Yes, binLaden figured out a way to turn your machine against you. If you still have one, keep an eye on it. You never know what it will get up to. The real problem is not the fax machine - the real problem is that the government is getting involved to help us. (article is from 2015)

There is now a petition on Change.org to End Discrimination of Young Women by the Boy Scouts of America. I don't know where these miniature Einsteins come up with this stuff, but it looks like they're serious. It also looks like they're not aware of the Girl Scouts and Brownies. Until the Girl Scouts are petitioned to end discrimination against young men, I'm not signing. The good news is that gays can now join Boy Scouts but atheists are still persona non grata.

• Senate democrats are holding up a Zika funding bill over language inserted by republicans relating to Planned Parenthood. This sounds like a perfect time to enact my One Topic Rule: all legislation will be restricted to one topic only. No inserts or backdoors. One topic.

Amy Schumer says that anyone who isn't a feminist is insane. Amy is a Subject Matter Expert (SME).

• A potential entry for Best Headline: Fish Fraud is Absolutely Rampant. In a recent study, one in five samples was mislabeled. Next time your order flounder, remember that in reality, you could be eating the bumper of a 1975 Pinto.

In a very alarming trend, HSBC bank has become the latest financial institution to allow selfies as a form of identification. This must certainly be the final horseman of the apocalypse.

• Londoners were urged to look out for and report brothels so the government could watch for sexual exploitation. It's for the children. In other news, the IRS has urged Americans to report businesses and people not charging income tax, so the government coud look out for sexual exploitation. Tax cheating is the gateway drug to sex-trafficking.

According to just-released research, over half of 18-24 year old female students experience sexual harassment. one in seven males too. Just short of half 18-24 year old female students and six in seven male students are protesting for the right to be harassed too.

• My best friend got dragged to a Springsteen concert. It was only fair - he drags his wife to his concerts (although his concerts are naturally lots better).  This morning he sent me a link to an article noting that Bruce just broke the record for longest concert held at that venue. It's like being 'volunteered' for the Afghani army. The torture never stops.

My company has done a tremendously safe thing and outlawed Firefox from its desktops. In fact, the system is so safe that even its own administrators cannot install Firefox to the desktops, despite incredibly expensive software and systems designed for just this purpose. Although I require Firefox to perform my duties and have Supervisor Permission, nobody in the entire corporation can install the program.  Just between us, I installed Firefox when I first arrived. The other day I was using it and POOF, it completely disappeared. Uninstalled by itself, by the same system that cannot install it. The institutional incompetence is mind-boggling.

• A woman has been accused of setting fire to a blanket and a control panel on a jetBlue flight. We're sure glad the TSA has protected us against this sort of thing. Good thing she didn't have a box cutter, eh?  Did we have this level of Crazy before 9-11, which went unreported?

In another bold move for equality, Brown University will be making tampons available in men's restrooms. No word yet on where men are going to put them...

• Mark the date: September 8th is National Ampersand Day. Because we've run out of all other days. Well.. maybe National Twig Day. National Belly Lint Day. National Termite Day. National Mother-In-Law Day (although that's going too far).

I know you're asking yourself how to generate a good, safe password. While you're waiting for an answer, here are the top 40 passwords - please don't use any of these:

Think it can't happen to you?

I strongly urge you, if you haven't already, to get your affairs in order. Life insurance for those who will be left behind, will, power of attorney, advanced directive, burial wishes and payment, disposition of your Stuff, etc. Please do this before it's needed. Save those left behind a lot of additional grief and assure your wishes are enforced.

Happy 15th Anniversary

NOT THE IMPLANTS!

All is not "Good on ya" in Australia, where a kangaroo jumped on a cycling Australian woman and ruptured her breast implants. This should serve as a warning for women in Australia, women planning to visit Australia, women who bicycle and anyone who exercises (especially in Australia) Also women who demand silicone breast implants, which cause all sorts of problems when ruptured.

• Just in case you're curious about what it's like being a porn star, Samantha Bentley shares... [ooh, ahh, ooh baby...]

A French ship has detected signals likely to have come from the black boxes of the EgyptAir plane that crashed last month.  MH370 working overtime to continue not being found.

• Marilyn Monroe would have been 90 this year. What a GGILF she'd be.

Two countries separated by a common language: In England,the list of the Queen's favo(u)rite songs has been released. This is apparently a Big Thing. Wonder what would happen if Obama's favorite list was released....

• Abba reunited for their first performance in 30 years in Sweden, during a private party, for a one-off event. They have been offered millions in the past but turned it down. Good for us.

ISIS militants have killed a Hindu priest in Bangladesh. They were no doubt worried about his potential for violence.

• In trials now is a blood test to determine if a prescribed medicine for depression is the correct one. I hope this works - it will be a potential lifesaver for depressed people.

The mother of a three-year-old boy who wandered into a gorilla pen will not be charged, prosecuters have said. We must not inconvenience parents who do not parent.

• Good news for Hef: the Playboy mansion has been sold to a neighbor, a private equity boss. The neighbor probably won't hurt either.

Restoration has started on the tomb suspected to have been Jesus'. Should he arrive, he is cordially welcome to stop by this blog for an interview. There is absolutely nothing like having a large audience of nine (on better days) to get your message across.

• The next Harry Potter play is already a success although its script has not been published yet. J.K. Rowling, its author, is drawing parallels with Bruce Springsteen, who can defecate on stage causing his fans to go into spasms of orgasmic glee.

Homosexuality is not a choice. Wearing Crocs is.

Is the Ghost of J. Edgar Hoover Watching Us?

And if so, is he wearing something fabulous?     |
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As it turns out, the cottage where Bruce Springsteen wrote Born to Run is up for sale. If we think about it, what good has come out of New Jersey? Let's see.... Bon Jovi... Springsteen... Chris Christie... me... Nah, that house should be bulldozed.

• Tom Brady says Frosted Flakes and Coca-Cola are 'poison.' He's just pissed that he can't figure out how to let the air out of either of them.  And there, ladies and gentleman, is my sports reference for 2015.

The nightmare continues: My wife, in a severely altered state, spent so much time on Faceyspaces that her cousin referred to her as a Faceyspaces Whore. It was an ugly sight (site), with her making a sandwich while looking at her phone. Minute after minute elapsed. By the time I cleaned a sink full of dishes, she was still standing there, sandwich half-made, drool coming out of her mouth, catching up on the latest selfies from her nieces, who were posing in front of toxic waste dumps and in bathrooms.

While out visiting over the weekend, there were two Facetime sessions at once, involving my mother, brother, cousin, cousin, Philly and Israel. I am so embarrassed that I can no longer attend family functions (as if I did in the first place). My family is a bunch of iHoles.

Speaking of visiting family, one of the visits involved a relatively recent baby.  What does one say when visiting a home with a new baby when one doesn't like babies? Yup, that's the most recent baby I have ever seen. He looks just like his father, if his father looked like the mailman. Here, have this very silly baby outfit. Hey, how about them [insert sports team]? Please show me baby pictures - better yet, videos!

I also discovered that we have a serious anomaly in the family: hot cousins. My family is so devoid of attractive females, I just naturally assume they're from someone else's family. Question: is it still incest if we have no babies and they're third cousins? And how, exactly, do you bring this up? "Hey - wanna pretend to make three-eyed babies?"

• THREATS IN OUR SKIES continue, as a drunk passenger stripped and asked a stewardess for sex. As a result the plane had to make an emergency landing. Be fair - the drunken Irishman (redundant?) took off his undies before waving his penis about. I'm wondering what the problem was - in the pre 9-11 days, this would qualify as in-flight entertainment.
• Another drunk man (no word on whether or not he was Irish) was thrown off an American Air flight for making gun signs with his fingers. I wonder what the finger sign is for box-cutter....

Homosexuality discovered to be caused by dead parents' curse or grief over ex-parrot. Or so it is thought in China, where a man was beaten and tortured to cure him of his homosexuality. Officials blamed his condition on parents or parrot. Unfortunately for China and, by extension, the medical establishment all over the world, he still prefers penis.

• I think I have an interim solution for the immigration issue: tell the Mexicans that the Muslims are coming here to steal their illegal jobs and healthcare.

ThermionicEmissions salutes the unnamed K-9 officer who died in the line of duty in Anderson County, SC., on 10/21/2015, of a gunshot wound.

• Remember the hack of the CIA director's AOL email account? The CIA has condemned Wikileaks for publishing documents from it. You know, rather than condemning the CIA director having an AOL account. To be fair, I predict that there will be no official inquiry into the CIA director, unlike Hillary.

You've got to hand it to the Germans... after Israel's prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, claimed a Palestinian leader told the Nazis to kill the Jews, Germany stood up and insisted it was responsible. Next week, Cancun, Dick Cheney, and Poland will claim responsibility.

• Joe Biden has announced that he is not going to run for president in 2016. He said, "I will sit this one out because the election doesn't need one more clown. It would be impossible to distinguish myself from this bunch."

Remember the drought in California?  Because everyone did so well at conservation, Los Angeles is raising its water rates.

• SELFIES R US: This week's installment features migrants in Slovenia setting fire to their own tents in protest of having to wait one day for their UK papers. While the fire burned, they took selfies.

SAD NEWS:  Years back, my little hamlet discovered that an adult video store would be opening locally. The natives came out with pitchforks and torches and pledged to do anything possible to avoid having this plague in their town. They even tried to get their business license denied for silly, trumped up reasons. Law triumphed and the store opened on schedule. At no point did the crime statistics rise or the hamlet turn into some sort of modern Sodom and Gomorrah. It just sat there, silently, out of view due to bushes and the lack of windows. The only real excitement came when I discovered The Religious picketing the store by holding bibles and saying words at the building.

Either The Big Man<tm> took a while to come through or economics succeeded where prayers didn't and the store is closing. Wife says this is just like Playboy being beaten by the availability of free online material. It's kinda sad, like the end of an era when hobby stores started closing [sigh]. The only bright side is the 50% off sale. Perhaps the store in the next town over will succeed due to their emphasis on items that aren't video (or so I hear).

To borrow a theme from public radio beg-a-thons, this is the type of information that you won't get on other blogs. It is attention to detail that successfully combines economics and porn in the same story. But please don't send money - I'd feel horribly guilty, as my heritage dictates. But please do tell your friends, family, and people you don't like about the blog: I need to break the ten reader mark.

SNAKES ON MTV

Way back in the 80's, another group I enjoyed watching on MTV (when they played actual music) was Whitesnake. Whitesnake actually goes waaaaay back, through quite a lot of incarnations, with the only common element being the singer, David Coverdale. Mr. Coverdale was in Deep Purple for a while, as well as doing vocals on a Jimmy Page album, causing Robert Plant to refer to him as "David Cover-version" (the British like to hyphenate). 

Where was I? Oh yeah, MTV.  After the band's shift from bluesy rock to a more metallic tone, someone had the brilliant idea of making videos featuring David and his incredibly hot girlfriend at the time, Tawny Kitaen.  Tawny's performance generally involved having impossibly large hair and looking impossibly good, while wandering about, storming out, or gyrating orgiastically upon a Jaguar (presumably David's). This was all a young, hormone-filled guy could want in a video. Fun fact: Mrs. Whitesnake eventually dated a baseball player and went to jail for beating the crap out of him. That's hot.

I can't help but consider Whitesnake a guilty pleasure: metallic leanings but still managing to stay tuneful.
Is This Love is a perfect power-metal love song. I wound up playing it and humming it a lot after purchasing the album. Round about this time, David was having a really difficult time with guitarists. I don't know if they kept exploding, imploding, or doing horrible things to their nostrils, but a number of them came and went. This was ironic, as the people in the video were not the people on the album. This continued through two albums and featured John Sykes, Adrian Vandenburg (in the video), Vivian Campbell (Def Leppard), and Steve Vai (Zappa, David Lee Roth, solo). This being the 80's, Vandenburg's hair was almost as big as Tawny's (he's Dutch, you know). The criteria for the video seems to be large hair and long leather coats.

The band was rounded out by Rudy Sarzo, who became notable because he'd lick the neck of his bass and Tommy Aldridge, late of Pat Travers, on drums. Tommy is a world class pounder and is in the band to this day. He occasionally came onstage dressed in only a diaper. Did I mention he's a drummer?

The really huge hit was Here I Go Again, in which the band wanted to convey that they were Very Serious about music. They were so serious that the video featured two Jaguars (and Tawny doing her own stunts). Right before the guitar solo, David hits a note that only dogs and the random hedgehog can hear. Seriously - there are overweight classical music altos that cannot hit that note.

An earlier song that classic rock aficianados might remember is Slow An' Easy. This song kinda illustrates why Robert Plant made that comment. I really like the song regardless. The video personnel seems to include John Sykes and someone who looks like Cozy Powell (Jeff Beck Group) on drums. This song did not do too well on MTV, probably because Mrs. Whitesnake was not in it.

Another Whitesnake staple is Give Me All Your Love. I think part of their musical success recipe was doubling the guitars with keyboards (give it a listen) and a really memorable sing-along chorus.

I'm having a blast at their expense but I do like them and I'm really jealous that I can't be flying across that stage, having the time of my life, and getting more tookie than Elvis. David is the prototypical frontman and still hits just about every note - the man does some serious vocal gymnastics, even though he's ninety. Ok, sixty-something. The latest incarnation of the band features Tommy Aldridge and Reb Beach (Winger). They still sound good.

PLAY Guitar Hero?  I AM a guitar hero.

Who Are You and What Have You Done with my Band?

It was getting dark and just started raining.  Of course it just started raining - I had just loaded the car and we were on the way to the club where the band was performing.  The optimists will say `at least it wasn't snowing.' I hate optimists.  Optimists weren't at this place last time when it was raining cats and frogs.  Cars and small houses were washing by the window as we were playing.  We had to wait for a ferry to the front door.

As any non-optimist would predict, the rain stopped after we loaded our gear into the place.  At the risk of sounding like an optimist, at least it would be nicer for the people coming to see us.

After three grueling years, we managed to agree on a name [Wolfe Blitzer].  And when I say agree, I mean no one objected, which is the best we could manage.  I remain convinced that Male Pattern Baldness would have been a much better name, but got voted down. [as George Bush said, `things would have been easier if this were a dictatorship and I was the dictator'].

In related news, the bar still had old information about our name.  We're used to this, as we sometimes change our name three or four times a night.

The core of the band has been together for about three years.  Recently we added a new bassist, percussionist and keyboardist, which really seemed to fill things out (as well as taking up much more space onstage).  And when I say onstage, I mean `the area in front of the pool table, which wasn't moving and upon which we were instructed not to place anything.'  As that was our single instruction, we complied.

SPATIAL DYNAMICS

Spatial dynamics is the science of how things fit, given a certain space (and I'm only making up a tiny bit of this).  Within any group (or marriage), there will be people who get it and people who don't.  The band is somewhat gifted, in that two thirds of us get it.  Unfortunately it's the ones who don't get it who cause all the trouble.  See if you can pick them out:

Bob brings in his equipment and sets it up where it doesn't interfere with everyone else.
Sue brings in her equipment and plops it down in the middle of the stage then goes to talk to people.

Julie sets up the p.a. system because the band needs to start on time.
Stan watches the p.a. be carried by then starts drinking heavily.

George tunes his guitar and sets his amps.
Roger excels at finding the most annoying noises imaginable.  Over and over again.

We've all got them.

THE CROWD

lefty's First Axiom of Performing is that if the band starts, roughly at the same time, and finishes, roughly at the same time and in roughly the same key, people will enjoy themselves.  I'm not certain the band believed me at first but it bore itself out in the first set.  The crowd went nuts.

lefty's Second Axiom of Performing is that if you bring the crowd, it doesn't matter how poorly you perform. This also proved true (it was axiomatic).

We are the kind of band who brings new meaning to the phrase `Drink up - we sound (and look) much better the more you drink'.    We had a band meeting last week, during which we discussed our appearance.  I made sure to mention that since we're onstage, we have to look as LARGE and LOUD as possible.  As a result, everyone came in jeans and black t-shirts.  Our lighting consisted of four or six red and blue spotlights, which succeeded in making us look darker, as if that were possible, not to mention the fact that no retinas were spared.  We went blind before the second song.  So much for DIY lighting.

The place was packed.  We were standing room only (SRO).  There were people actually dancing.  It's been so long since we've seen happy audience members that we became concerned and wanted to call an ambulance.

It probably doesn't happen at every show but people actually cheered when we played Jimi Hendrix.  It probably didn't hurt that after the songs, I set the drummer on fire.  This might also have something to do with my wife's comment that we held the Geritol crowd enthralled.  It was, however, a bit sad when we realized that these people were our contemporaries.

Due to the spectacular lighting, I had to look down at my guitar a lot.  I also `go away' sometimes when I play.  It flipped me out to look up and have women going crazy in front of me.  But I am a true musician<tm>.  And what is a true musician<tm>?  The one who marvels at the women staring at him.  Then one steps up to the mic.  She sings out of key.  And POOF - she's no longer desirable.

It's a sickness, I assure you.

No,. really, it was an incredible experience, especially for a first time band outing.  I'm older than most of the people out playing these days.  My goals are not all that lofty:

• to play enjoyable classic rock in dive (and nice) bars
• to make people happy
• to stroke my ego with attractive women
• playing is the best therapy there is - I want lots of it

For clarification, I'm married, so all stroking is strictly visual (and imaginary).  It seems that I met my goals.  This does not happen often and was a welcome surprise.  I spent the next few days smiling (and sore, but that's a different story entirely).

My friends `caught' me playing a Springsteen song and asked if Madonna was next.
The reactions were mixed and hysterical:

"When are they playing somewhere with a real stage?"
"Why aren't they playing originals?"
"They should play song parodies."
"How come only one of them moves?"
"I"m sorry, I had to stay home and do my hair."

EVIDENCE

I saw a lot of flashes and cell phone cameras, in addition to a video camera or two.  As a result, there are almost no pictures and absolutely no video of the event.  Should this change, I will post it here.

I did see one light in the darkness after we were done.  It was my best friend, holding up his iPhone, on which was an animation of a lighter.  I told him I would have recognized it earlier if it were an Android phone.

Friends don't let friends use iDevices.
Don't be an iHole.

TECHNICAL DETAILS

The band had its first outing with the brand new p.a. system.  The system included a Peavey 8600 powered mixer and a pair of Peavey two way speakers (15" and compression driver).  The percussionist promised me he had Marshall decals to cover the Peaveys because I was embarrassed but he never produced them (he was subsequently fired).

I will say this once and if you quote me I will deny it emphatically: the system absolutely rocked.  It did exactly what it had to with plenty of headroom to spare.  We had to jigger up a monitor system because we don't have any and wound up using guitar amps, which worked fine.

guitar: lefty `77 Strat, `59 reissue Les Paul --> Voodo Vibe, Dano compressor, CTO-1 overdrive, RV-3 reverb, original Fender Blues Deluxe amp.

guitar: backwards (righty) recent Strat, Fender Blues Jr amp

bass: custom Rick 400x, SVT stack

keys: Nord, Sony(?)

drums: round bangy things with a strategically-placed vibra-slap.  The evening could not have gone as well without the vibra-slap (the thing that sounds like a rattlesnake in All Along the Watchtower and Feelin' Alright).

percussion: more round bangy things with a few plastic bangy things (and lots of callouses)